My Therapist Ghosted Me - Pilots, Birthday Cake & Award Winners

Episode Date: September 29, 2023

WE'VE WON AN AWARD! Plus, hotel stays, Gigi makes a mess in a marble palace, Vogue's been on the Late Late show, the pilot in hot water after a big night out, Pat's an influencer & a lot of spoofers.If you’d like to get in touch, you can send an email to [e-mail] review Global's Privacy Policy: https://global.com/legal/privacy-policy/MTGM is going on tour in Ireland & The UK! For tickets, merch and more, visit mytherapistghostedme.comFor more information about Joanne's gigs, visit www.joannemcnally.comThis episode contains explicit language and adult themes that may not be suitable for all listeners.Thank you!

This is a Global Player Original Podcast. Hello and welcome to My Therapist Goes With Me with me, Vogue Williams and Joanne McNally. What are you drinking? Is that a green juice? Orange Orange juice It looks like a very fancy orange juice It is I'm in a fancy

I'm in Do you know what? I'm actually not in a fancy hotel Ah that is fancy I guess it is Maybe it is fancy I'm filming a show So they put me in a hotel

But when I say Like the staff Like look I've worked in hotels You know Well I actually loved my me in a hotel But when I say Like the staff Like look I've worked in hotels You know Well I actually loved my time in a hotel I was cleaning toilets So I didn't have to deal with anyone

Like I wasn't people facing I was toilet facing Which was well accessible But I just had to clean up I just had to clean up their vomit Which was fine I didn't have to deal with them

As drunk people I just dealt with the aftermath But the staff I swear to God Like I'm like I'm sorry Have I done something Like what is going on

Like it's Not an attitude Some of them were so sound And then some of the other ones I'm like There's one woman Who does the breakfast I swear

I'm like I'm sorry Did I accidentally Ride your boyfriend What is happening here She fucking hates me You're only pretending Some of them are sound

So you don't sound as mean No One of them I swear to God One of them was so sound This morning at breakfast I said to the sound When I said You're the pretending Some of them are sound So you don't sound as mean No One of them I swear to God One of them was so sound This morning at breakfast I said to the sound I said you're the soundest person

Working in this hotel I said you're the best person In this hotel When you have to say that You know that everyone else Is really shit Because the divide between her And the other woman

That I was Like kind of Interacting with Dealing with Interacting with Is a fair term Is a world the girl was so sane

she's like do you need anything else she's like I remember yesterday you didn't want this on this this is the same like she's so lovely oh I love that

the other one I was like is she going to glass me like what the fuck is happening here she's literally going to smash a bottle over my head hateful

sometimes people take a dislike to you though and that's just what happens like I've been in places like where I'm literally like sorry sorry could I have some ketchup and you're just terrified to ask though and that's just what happens I do like I've been at places like where I'm literally like sorry sorry could I have some ketchup

and you're just terrified to ask for anything it's like oh god I'm really sorry now I need mayonnaise and I'm like do you know what I'm just going to go without

I'm not going to have the mayonnaise I know it's that point you're like I don't need eggs you know what I mean it's fine I'll just take that coffee and splash it in my face

oh my god somebody shat on my place oh I'll just eat that it's okay I'm happy yeah I know it's terrible isn't it Joanne

yeah Joanne I've had another baby do we do a drum roll Emma do you have a drum roll sound effect or anything no no you've seen it

don't look take it back close your eyes is that Superman that's what sorry if I get supposed to be Is that Superman? That's... What? Sorry, Vogue, it's supposed to be... Okay, sorry.

Okay, you ready? Vogue and I have been knighted by the British Podcast Awards. Not an Irish podcast award in sight, but indeed we've scooped a British one. We won the Podcast Champion Award British Podcast Awards. Not an Irish podcast award in sight but indeed we've scooped a British one. We won the Podcast

Champion Award 2023 from the British Podcast Awards. Indeed. We're Bob Geldof now. Good luck.

We I told you I'd do it. I always told you I'd do it. I'm just waiting for that call from King Charles. I'm on the way, Charles. It's a controversial decision,

but we have given up our Irish citizenship and we are now fully British citizens. Joanne, we're allowed to have British podcast awards and I mean, it's really bad for you because at least I've got British kids. Like I have kind of an out. This is bad for you. Maybe I'll cancel the second one I asked to get for bad for you because at least I've got British kids like I have kind of an out this is bad for you maybe I'll cancel the second one I asked

to get for you for your house I have no backbone I just want awards wherever they come from I don't care I'm just going to lean into the awards

no but seriously also do you remember my dad was English do you remember remember remember Emma cut that out

I know yeah I don't actually I've kind of hidden that fact that's. I know I don't actually. I've kind of hidden that fact. That's why I had him killed off. Frank was it? I said, things cannot get out that my father's from Lancashire. Oh, I did know that your dad was from Lancashire.

Supposedly, there was a comedian hosting the awards last night. She was very funny funny Zoe Lyons oh Zoe yes very funny so she was hosting the awards and she was saying that she listens to a lot of

true crime podcasts and supposedly the best place to bury a body or to get dispose of a body is in Lancashire Shire

really yeah tourist attraction is that to do with the lack of police or just the soil is soft? What's the angle there? I think there's more places to hide in Lancashire. Well, I hope...

Let's cut this out because I don't want people to find my father. I went to a lot of trouble. But in all honesty, I feel like thank you to our listeners because that's the reason that we won this. And we don't win many things. Sorry, many things.

We've won nothing. Excuse me. We have won one other thing, but that's okay. What did we win? I'm not telling you. Oh. Because you don't know. Stop, I want to put it on my CV.

What is it? I won that game show Pointless before as well thank you very much okay so stop trying to take that away from me oh but I mean the pod yeah we're really

do you know what we're really happy and Joanne you said a nice thing yesterday you said that like our podcast has changed our careers and that's down to our listeners and we have our lives have changed

because of you and we really appreciate it and we'll never forget the podcast has changed our lives and for the worse that sounds i'm being dragged away from my kids to go to australia for two weeks i can't wait sob sob sob um it has changed our lives. All jokes aside, the podcast has changed both our lives.

Not Imo's. She, Imo? Not Imo's. Probably not Joe's, but certainly ours. But it has changed our lives and we're so, we're just so grateful

that we can. I do. I feel very grateful. And our listeners are sound as well. So I have to do a little bit of press after. And one,

there's always. Oh sorry, we should say I wasn't able to go because I was filming. So Vogue went and she took it for the team joanne wasn't able to come because she couldn't be arsed i'm gonna ask you it's filming i'd love to have gone i know i would have loved to have you on stage but it was a very fleeting moment so yeah on off so they actually like because award ceremonies can go on for a long time they had a new approach because supposedly

the year before it went on for hours and hours and hours and basically no one was allowed to say a speech and it was great because like it was like on off, on off, on off. But we had kind of rehearsed a little something

for you to say. Yeah. And I didn't get to say it. Would I say it now? Yeah, say it now. Do you want me to say my speech? Okay. I was going to say

wow. Oh Jesus, no. This isn't good. No, okay. I'll do it a better way. Wow. And to think that I got suspended in school wow oh Jesus no this isn't good no okay I'll do it a better way wow and to think that I got suspended

in school for talking shite and now I'm winning awards for talking shite well I kept correcting her saying talking shite

with your best friends and she just refused to put that in no I wasn't saying that I wasn't saying that and because Joanne also was like oh and don't forget

like to thank me that wasn't in my speech I never said that you little liar I did want to thank me that wasn't in my speech i never said that you little liar i did want to thank joanne's therapist for ghosting her because without that man treating her like crap we wouldn't be here today i'm very glad you didn't get to make a speech because this is i don't know where this shit's coming from this is not thank you at all thank you to the british podcast awards thank you to joe for putting up with us, in particular, Joanne.

We're tough work. We know it. And we're glad that you've stayed around. I was going to say thanks for Global. Our podcast is on Global. Thanks to Louisa for ensuring that we don't get cancelled every week. And thanks to me

for being myself. Yeah, I think it's for the best. Yeah. But that didn't happen. And thanks to Winston for being around for 11 years. I hear. Come on. Otto, who's my favourite child today.

Spencer. No, actually, cut that out. No, Spencer. You know, I think that was for the best. I would have been playing the music about three seconds in on that speech. I would have been kicking and streaming, just being dragged off stage. But it was really good. um did you meet anyone nice um do you know who i met elizabeth day and her husband oh she's lovely she's so nice and her husband is bang on as well really nice so i've never i've never met her but i really she has the how to fail podcast which i

really like yeah and she's really really sound and you know like and she's gorgeous and she was dressed really cool um so we were sitting beside them and then I was sitting beside Louisa and Jo but I went to do um interviews after yeah and I was doing an interview with the metro and it turned out to be the woman who wrote your article oh about the nappy about the nappy and I was like oh my god I was like please send me that article I need to print it out

and get it framed for her new house she's got a great name what is it Kitty something Kitty Kitty Crisp Kitty Crisp

what a name Kitty Crisp Kitty Crisp she was sound she was very fun really nice so I'm gonna get like I have it here

as you'll see so I got her to send it to me because I'm literally you look great in that picture. Because the headline is comedian Joanne McNally once used a nappy instead of a tampon and has never looked back. So imagine that on your wall. It would look great. It would be like an award.

I would actually. That would be lovely actually. It would be like a kind of a greatest hits disc. You know the way they give people. I'll pop a Pampers in with it. Just down the bottom. A little soiled tampon. That would be fab. I'd love that. Thank you in with it just down the bottom a little soiled tampon that'd be fab

I'd love that thank you tell me more about the awards well I was going to tell you a little bit about my week because the awards were good and that's what we did and we went through

fine yeah we won an award okay we're delighted yeah we won an award we don't want to really push it on people too much no we don't between the two of us we've got nothing

Barely have a laptop I don't know how we make it through our days to be honest I'm just walking around with a mouse do you know those like a

what were the mouse boards that we used to put them on those little mouse mats what were they called they just called mouse mats yeah well well well someone's got an attitude problem today excuse me What were they called? They just called Mouse Man. Yeah. Well, well, well.

Someone's got an attitude problem today. Excuse me? Excuse me? Where's Joe? What's going on here? Joanne and I went to my friend James' party recently. We got invited to a birthday party. Oh, yeah.

Now, I have to be clear. Vogue was invited. I was invited quite late in the day. Suspiciously late in the day. No? I kind of get told to invite you places because people kind of know

that you'll be like it's like me as well. I don't get invited to very many places anymore because people know that we're always going to be doing something or not in the country

so they just were kind of an afterthought. I don't mind being an afterthought once I'm a thought. No you were invited quite early to the party. be doing something or not in the country. So they just were kind of an afterthought. I don't mind being an afterthought. Once I'm a thought. No, you were invited quite early to the party. I was invited very late in the day. I was on my way before I was invited. I was literally in the Uber on my way to the party.

And then I got a text from Brian going, do you want to come to the party? And I was like, fuck you. I'm on my way. Yeah. Thanks a lot. You don't get invited so many. I didn't invite you to tea's party.

I've learned my lesson though. She's very upset about that I mean I'm You know yourself now I need to go to Purple Dragon play Like a fucking bullet to the head But I do like to be included

I love that you even know The name of that place Of course I do You post about it 28 times a day Purple Dragon Purple Dragon I dream about the place I dream about being in a phone cage Basically they babysit my kids I'm in times a day. Purple Dragon, Purple Dragon. I dream about the place.

Basically, they babysit my kids. I'm in a foam cage in Purple Dragon. That's my nightmare. Okay, so we got invited to James's party. Yes.

Well, you did. I just went. I got invited. Joanne snuck to James's party and we had a lovely time. But like, James invited people's kids and I wasn't actually

going to take my kids because James's apartment is basically like, James and Brian, must say are friends uh like a marble shrine and everything in it is fancy and fluffy and like soft furnishings are all creams and pinks it's like walking it's like going to a party inside the statue of David I would that's a great way of saying it it's like going in through the feet of the statue of David. I would, that's a great way of saying it. It's like going in through the feet of the statue of David and then going up

a lift up to this penthouse apartment in gay heaven. Yes. That's where they are. So everyone who brought kids like was like, as soon as we walked

in the door, Gigi was turned around to James and he's like, do you have any high heels? And of course, James had a wardrobe full of high heels he had

fucking Gigi's clipping around and these heels with fish like these fish in a glass heel she was wearing

like Balenciaga boots like it was insane she was just going around so she was thrilled all the kids are running around and all the parents

who own the kids are terrified that and all the parents who own the kids are terrified that their kid is going to be the one to do something wrong the day was going perfectly the apartment was not trashed

it looked amazing and then the cake came out and then Gigi now it wasn't her fault she only leaned on the coffee table

and the whole thing flipped the whole glass flipped over two things smashed there was coffee all over they have this rug

it just like it's like a woolen like fluffy rug all over you can imagine now like high fashion guys you can imagine

like the you can imagine the like even the toilet paper is faux fur like everything is high fucking end. And she just went in and she basically just wrecked the place.

Wrecked the place. It was all over the light pink sofa. And like I got such a fright, but Gigi got a fright because everyone obviously spun around and she started crying. And because I'm so scared of James, I literally, I left my crying child to try and just do any damage control about the rug and I was like, oh god. It was very bad. It was the worst. It was bad, yeah. And do you know what I thought was very manipulative?

What? That Gigi started crying like it wasn't her fault. Like she's crying. Like so everyone has to go, oh are you okay Gigi? When she knows full well what she did it was very clever on her side. She was deflecting. And it's like, Gigi, you know what?

No. Take that attitude. She was pointing at me. I was like, don't you fucking dare blame this on me. She was pointing at me. I can't believe it wasn't you. Everyone was expecting you would do something. And it was Gigi.

And then anyway, so James in his birthday speech, he's like, I want to thank everyone for coming except Gigi. Yeah. Because they have a child now now so that's why I think they're kind of trying to be more child friendly but they have a baby like he's a

like he's a little like he's still in a nappy and all yeah don't worry he's going to start crawling soon and then they'll then they won't be that couch will turn to a dark that couch will be dark grey

in a year I guarantee it you can't you can't raise a child in a marble prison. What are they going to do? I mean... Imagine them trying to child proof that place. The whole place would just have foam walls,

foam tables. What's your man's name? He was the singer and there was a movie about him. Michael Douglas played him. Simply Red. What's his name? He's Simply Red. What's his name again? Mick Huckle Mick Yes

Fairground is one of my favourite songs I had it stuck in my head For about 12 years Fairground is a fantastic Behind the Candelabra What's your man's name? David Bowie Oh my god

Jesus Ronan Keating Liberace He's not a singer He was a singer Anyway I feel like Their house is like Liberace He's not a singer He was a singer Anyway I feel like Their house is like Liberace

But like Really like Anyway It won't be like that Soon enough They're gonna have to swap out All their furniture They're gonna have to

Yeah They're gonna have a soft play area In the corner So ha Ha Yeah Telling me that Shiji can't come Gonna be Liga everywhere.

Mashed into those carpets. Oh my. Mashed potato all over the floor. Just crap everywhere. I can't wait to have my own place to make a mess myself. And have no one give out to me. I'm so excited. I think that for you it's still

nice to contain it to the bedroom I think. don't have your whole house like that because i will come over and i won't be able for that so just contain your mess to the bedroom in your own home i'll have a playroom so i'll just play in there and mess that up and then i'll keep the other rooms for the good rooms and i'll put plastic on the city oh it's a, it's a settee. It's a settee. Have you seen the settee?

A settee! I can't wait. I'm going to decorate the whole place. Oh my God, it's going to be amazing. I'm going to help you do it up. You're going to have to get like, you're going to have like sheets and spare sheets. You're going to be a grown up. I'm going to get you a steam iron. Shut up! She's so excited all I need is running water

and an air fryer and I'll live forever I did the late late show on Friday you did the late late on Friday and can I say you looked like a

gorgeous bastard the hair the look I loved it yeah none of that was down to me I looked like an absolute pig before um Carly Ashley and Karina got their hands on me um but yeah first one I'd ever done with Patrick Kielty so there's a there's a chat show in Ireland it's called the late late

show and uh and they've just changed hosts after how many how long was Ryan on 17 years was it that long it was a long time anyway yeah long? It was a long time. Anyway, yeah, long time. It was a long time. And Ryan's a good friend of ours. It was like choosing the new Pope. That's how big a deal it was in Ireland. It actually was. You're waiting for white smoke

to be coming out of Ortiz chimney. It was a huge deal. Everyone was like on tender hooks about who was going to get the job because it's basically the biggest, it's the biggest job in Irish TV. TV, yeah, definitely. Media, yeah, yeah.

And Patrick Kielty, Paddy Kielty, he got it and he was hosting it. Now, I thought he was a very good host. I was on with Baz, who is an Irish presenter and he's absolutely bang on, isn't he? He's just so nice. And I was on with,

basically, I kind of feel like he's your mirror person in a man. Oh, who? Jimmy Nesbitt. Is he? I thought he... From Coward Feet. Joanne, I thought because of the roles he played,

I thought, oh, he's going to be a moany bastard. He is one of the soundest people in the world. I am desperate to go on the piss with him. He is so much crack and he was nice to everyone really funny like you would

love him and then I heard was he asking for me? oh he was asking for you yeah he was what did he say? um what did he say?

what did he say? was he really asking for me? no he wasn't ah he did do you know what though he was like I met your husband like seven or eight years Do you know what, though? He was like,

I met your husband, like, seven or eight years ago and he was really nice. And I was like, see, even you remembering Spenny is really nice. That's really sad. Because, like, you're Jimmy Nesbitt. You don't need to remember anyone.

But you know the only thing about The Late Late Show that drives me mad? Go on. The shit online after. And, like, I don't see very much of it, but it's like, and you know what I will say,

which is really sad, it's like a lot of it is from men. And it's like, what does she do? And I'm like, are we still there? Are we still trying to figure out what I do? Like, I'm not, I don't sit in my arse at home and do nothing. I think you know that.

Stop trying to make it out like I do nothing because it makes you feel better. It's so annoying. It's so annoying It's so Aggravating It would boil your blood And I don't know why I let it annoy me

I know It's the only thing That annoys me Because I'm like You know what I work too hard For you to say That's a piss off

Yeah I know Anyway You want to kind of Individually reply to them all But you just But you can't Because then you look insane I know

It's so frustrating I did reply And then I deleted it I was like I'll just It's too There's no. I know. It's so frustrating. I did reply and then I deleted it. I was like, I'll just, it's too, there's no point. I know. Why am I so worked up by some comment from some guy called Dragon Man, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, who has a fucking, an avatar

of Man United. Like, it doesn't matter. But it just, it's just frustrating. Especially, I understand, especially from your perspective I get I get called Like they put comedian In inverted commas

Like it's Like I'm faking it Like this is my I do I get paid To go on stage And tell jokes It is actually

My job Like you can't put it In inverted commas Like I've just Called myself a brain surgeon And never stood in a hospital But with you You get

Your thing is What does she do Mine is She doesn't even She's always on holidays your thing is what does she do mine is she doesn't even she's always on holidays I'm not what does she do no so I

one guy actually mailed me because you know I do see my mail sometimes by the way everyone and he mailed me a screen grab of a nasty comment

and he was like ha ha ha this is what we think about you and I was like he said what excuse me he said what he basically sent me a nasty comment

that someone had said and was like laughing about it and I was like dude like he said excuse me said what he basically sent me a nasty comment that someone had said and was like laughing about it and i was like dude like you're mailing me this you've gone to the trouble of mailing me this i've had a couple of them where people are like don't mind what they're saying online about you and i'm like i wasn't aware anyone was discussing me online thanks my mom does that to me with a daily man don't't mind them. What? Don't listen to those comments, Vogue. I'm like, sorry mom. Like I've told you to stop telling me that. So anyway, I actually really enjoyed being on the Late Late

and I'm going to campaign to go on the piss with Jimmy Nesbitt and I want you to be there. Well, I mean, but he wasn't asking for me. I thought he was asking. He just can't innovate me. He just, he didn't like he, okay, listen, it doesn't matter. Did he not ask about the pod or anything now? Oh, he was, okay, he was asking about,

he was, he said, where is Joanne? And I said, Jimmy, she's not here. Was that guy, he wasn't asking about where I'm, where I'm on tour next, right? He said, Did you tell him I was going to Canada or anything? Do you know what he said to me? He literally said, he was like,

you'll never guess what, I'm after booking tickets to your friend's show in Winnipeg. And I was like, did you? Shh, I swear. Ah, he's sound. So you'll see him in Winnipeg it's lovely to hear yeah well he's the

only one who did so that's a relief he's really excited to go it'll just be me and James Nesbitt staring each other in the eyes

in a thousand cedar in Winnipeg they're starting all the desperate giveaways have started out hey Ottawa are you a

stand-up fan well you're in luck Joanne McNally is coming and we have six thousand tickets to give away. I won't have that said about you, okay? You are a fantastic... You're my favourite comedian

of all the comedians, men and women, okay? I'm just saying, I'm really looking forward to meeting all seven people on my Canadian tour and bring snacks. You only need seven Canadians to have a good night.

They're all good crack. You'll have good fun with the Canadians. Bring edibles. Yeah. They're legal over there. And pinot. We'll just sit down

and have a drink together. Really. There's no room for... You know, there's no point me standing on a shoebox. There's no time for comedy. On a stage.

There's no time. There's really... It's unnecessary. Vancouver, Toronto, absolutely. But the rest, like Edmonton and all, it's literally, I'm just going to go into someone's sitting room,

sit down, have a cup of tea. After the late, late, I had a great time because I went to the airport to get my flight and I realised I'm very attracted to men in pilot uniforms. They were doing their little switcheroo. Oh my God. There was five of them. Five of them chatting together.

I was like, I'd like to be in the middle of that conversation. Naked. Naked. Just rubbing up against their uniforms. In a gimp mask and a Ryanair apron. Oh, oh my God. So this is what I was going to say. Okay, so we obviously want to talk about the same story.

So I, when I was on the dating apps, I completely turned me off pilots. Pilots was always, it seemed like quite a sexy job because it's like, you know, it's like, you know, it's a really fun bus in the sky and they wear sexy uniforms and there was kind of this. really fun bus in the sky. And they wear sexy uniforms. A fun bus in the sky. It's a party bus.

It's a sky bus. It is ultimately, they are just, I don't mean to undermine them. I mean, I wouldn't like the stress of flying a plane. But all the dating apps, the pilots, they want you to know they're a pilot. There's photos of them in the cockpit. There's photos of them in the cockpit. There's photos of them in their uniform. Joanne,

they've spent hundreds of thousands of pounds becoming a pilot. Of course they want you to know they're a pilot. It's very expensive to become a pilot. Do you know how much

it cost me to do an arts degree because I kept repeating every year? I guarantee it was the same as it cost to become a pilot. Well, that degree is extremely

useful to you. You're doing wonders with it. It's basically playing a Nintendo Wii,, that degree is extremely useful to you. You're doing wonders with it. It's basically playing a Nintendo Wii, Vogue. You could probably do it. Oh, I could. I could definitely fly a plane. I could fly a plane. But, you know, so, okay.

The story is there was a pilot, a British Airways pilot, and he basically was fired because he was caught doing cocaine and trying to get on a flight to fly hundreds of people home. Not great after a cocaine binge. And do you know what actually,

so he got caught and he got fired, but he cost the airline, he cost BA 100 grand because he wasn't able to fly the plane back. And then he had to fly back as a passenger, Scarlett. Oh, wow. In the jump seat? Mortal. No, in economy.

He had to fly back as a punter because they were like, they're not going to say, oh, here, dude, it's all right. Pop up the front. No, no, no, no. He's in big. I think he might be borrowed from BA for life. Oh, so how did they catch him? First he, how are the pilots getting drugs

through the airport? Do they not get searched and all like the rest of us? Joanne, it had already gone up his nose. It had been done. Oh, sorry. Okay. So he did it in the lounge. Yeah. Okay, gotcha. He tried to say he just like. That's like he tried to get into those lounges and don't fucking let me in but I knew good shit was going on in there

Joanne I walked by the Erlingus lounge again And I couldn't get in Oh Erlingus Like Can't get in I think we're actually barred

I think it's down to you Right It could be I think they know You're going to fleece them And that's why I'm not getting in When I only want the shortbread I don't want anything else

Yeah No I lifted up the whole Optic system Just dragged it behind you yeah like do you want a glass I was like no you're grand thanks just like goes with it straight from the nipple but so yeah I'll tell you no I have to tell you how he got caught because it is so bad he basically someone ratted him out because he sent his mates like this run run through of the whole night like in text messages and they've all been like like printed here here's the best parts i've lost my shirt somewhere and one of the local

lads produces a plate with a few lines of coke so then there's a debate about whose chest is the best to do a bump off that's the story of how i ended up snorting coke off a girl's tits in Joburg. Like, can you believe that? Is this in his lads what's, is this in his like his lads what's app group? His lads what's app group. But it got me thinking, right? Whose tits are you going to do coke off? I would say I have great tits to do coke off because I have got the flattest tits. So then you need a flat surface.

You can't be getting these massive tits. So true. So I'd be like a table yeah to do yeah yeah you're like a gorgeous tanned a bit of tanned um hide hide i'm a hog any table you're absolutely right you're actually do you know what you're you you've never been right about anything before it's it's one of those things that people say they want to snort coke off a tit but to what end and how? What's the point?

The tits aren't flat. Imagine trying to snort it off and like the nipple then gets in the way and your nipples are whopper. I don't have whopper nipples

thank you very much. I actually I feel like getting my tit out right now to show you. I don't know. I have to go and look at my nipples now. No, they're normal.

They're much bigger than mine. Do you want? I've nipples like a belly button. They're very... Do you want? A fucking swimmer started swimming around your areolas

and he still hasn't reached the other side. You've got bigger areolas than me. Excuse me? Yeah. Areolies? Areolies.

Areolies. That's grossly unfair. No, I won Yeah. Ariolais? Aliolis. Ali... That's grossly unfair. No, I won't have it said. Don't you dare alioli-shame me. Do you want me to show you a tit? I thought you had. Do you want to see it?

There's no point. We can't see it. Zoom in there. Get your magnifying glass. Zoom in there, please. Sorry, I thought that was a grape. Okay. So the pilot had to fly home

and you know what? Actually, I do feel So the pilot had to fly home and he, and you know what, actually I do feel, he actually has a wife and kid and he's gone off and just being that fucking idiot. So imagine knowing you're going home to that as well.

I think it's, it's all, I think pilots have a lot of smoke blowing up their hull. Jesus, Joanne really has it in for the pilots today.

They really bothered me. I love pilots and, you know, I fly with them all the time. I think you're going to have to start getting the sail and rail again when people hear this. Anyway, Carol Vorderman told me

that the taking off and the landing is the most dangerous part and the rest, she said, is a piece of piss. And I believe Carol. I believe Carol and she's an intelligent woman. She's highly intelligent. She's in... Mensa.

Mensa. So I'm giving that pilot spoofer of the decade. Right? That's what I'm calling him. Okay. Yeah, good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then I also have a spoofer of the week.

A father was absolutely disgusted after a Chinese buffet charged his five foot boy who was 11 an extra 12 pounds for an adult meal because he was too tall

they measured him didn't they they measured him and they said that like and the dad then was like he couldn't even eat half a plate of

chow mein he didn't eat any of the crispy ducks and all he had was prawn crackers and he had was prawn crackers and he had to pay 22.50 for his kids meal

I've seen the size that child he fucking he definitely ate that stuff I'm sorry no he did he's still a child I was thinking

he's a I saw he's a grown man that child is a grown man he's like 5 foot something but you know what when I read that story

I was like it just goes to show you don't fuck With the people Who work in a Chinese buffet They are the hardest working Most serious people They deal with shit

All day Every day And there's no way There's no There's no empathy In that environment For your giant child They're like

He's over the ruler He's paying Your name's not down You're not coming in There's no way around A Chinese buffet I've been in them many times When I was bulimic i spent i've spent years in those places i could be i could be insane all day for five quid it was the dream i was just thinking

though like if it's a child you should be able to get a child's meal because if they're doing it on height restrictions i'm gonna start like looking for the child's meal for Spencer. I was going to say, if it's done by size, I mean, come on. Excuse me, I've brought my son in. I don't want to pay full price. He's got to have a child's meal. And do you have a bib? I'd like one of those bibs for him. Maybe we can't afford to bring Joe on tour if it's done by height. We'd get him into children's airplane seats, children's kids meals, kids menus. He'd be half the price.

Joe can sit in our lap, which means we don't have to pay for his ticket. Perfect. Come here to me. It's my birthday this weekend. So I'm going away for my birthday today. And do you know what today so basically i don't know what it is okay it's like spenny hates my birthday like he's coming to the party that i've organized but i even had to organize my own cake do you know how embarrassing it is to tell the the baker oh what you want on your cake and I was like wife of the year please and I said

happy birthday Voguey I'm like what a loser you did not how embarrassing I did I wanted that on my cake

and because I bought my own cake I had to tell her what I wanted on the cake that is he should be he should be organising that now

come on he should be I'm a big Spano fan but he should be you can't be dictating you He should be. He's absolutely. I'm a big Spenno fan, but he should be. You can't be dictating. You can't be wishing yourself happy birthday on your own cake. There's something very sad about that.

It's very sad and pathetic. I know. Yeah. But like, he kept trying to buy me a present yesterday because he's away on the day of my birthday.

And I was like, and he's like, I'm going to buy it now. And I was like, but I really don't want that. And he's like, no, I'm buying you these boots. And I was like,

Spenny, you're actually causing me a headache because you're going to get me the boots so you've got something to give me and then I have to bring the boots back

because I don't want them and he was just so insistent on buying these boots for me that I didn't want I think I just the idea of walking into a cake shop

and like well you're right happy birthday Joanne we all love you and they're like and what's your name Joanne it wouldn't even be

as embarrassing if you said Joanne imagine if you said Joanne Imagine if you said Joanny Or something Yeah I gave a nickname for myself Joey Mac

Fooky Fooky I don't care The cake's only delicious I'm thrilled I obviously Again Will not

Will not make that party But When I come back from Canada Actually no Do you know what Do you know what we'll do When we're in Australia, we will choose a day.

You'll forget about my birthday by Australia. I know you will. I won't because you'll start looking older. I can't wait. I want a balloon and I want a card in Australia because I want it to be properly my birthday. Yeah, we're going to choose a day

that we're not gigging and then I'm going to bring it out for a gorgeous shot. Well, there's no day of that. There is. There is. gonna choose a day that we're not gigging and then I'm gonna bring out for a gorgeous show there's no day of that there is there is there's the day that we fly so I'm basically on the plane on the plane I will have them I will send over a cosmo Pat invited me for dinner when I was home I was home last week and she was like I'd love to see you let's go for a nice lunch dinner she's like on me on me and I was like I was home last week and she was like I'd love to see you let's go for a nice lunch dinner and she's like on me, on me and I was like really that's really nice

thanks so much and she's like absolutely on me I insist and I was like oh that's lovely thanks so much so we went for dinner

and we're sitting there and we ordered the food and then I looked at the she was drinking as well and I was like I have a bottle of Sancerre and she goes well you're paying for the booze then

and I was like excuse me she goes Sancerre and I was like, I have a bottle of Sancerre. And she goes, well, you're paying for the booze then. And I was like, excuse me? She goes, Sancerre. And I was like, I'm sorry. What? Basically, unless I was ordering a Lucozade, I had to pay for anything alcoholic on the table,

even though she was drinking it all as well. So we split the bill at the end, even though she'd spent two weeks telling me how it was going to be her treat. She was like, well, you're a Sancerre. As in like who the fuck do you think you are it's the cheapest

bottle on the menu mum I am I'm still your daughter I'm a bill splitter I like splitting bills with people and I always would just even if I wasn't drinking

I'd still split it like normally but like with you I probably I probably would tell you you can pay for the booze sorry now

sorry now my mum can put it away I didn't lick it off I'm doing so for October I don't drink me and mum drank put it away I didn't lick it off I'm doing sober October I don't drink me and mum drank the exact same amount and somehow we were then

I was paying I paid up more than her in the end even though she invited me out with absolute fanfare about how it was all on her and her treat

I also paid for the taxis up and down I love that she paid she paid 30 quid for two hikes and I paid everything else even though it was

her big invitation out She's gas She also I gave her one of my silver bags So So I've started a clothing line I haven't

That's it It's basically just merch That kind of lost the run of itself Called Anxious Preoccupied And I Me and my friend Nick Are doing it We're having a good time doing it

But like I mean I think Rhihanna can relax I don't think it's really going to be Excuse me No no no I don't think it's going to take off But we're just enjoying doing it

It's fun And I love all that kind of stuff But Mum Because she No more than myself And yourself She loves a freebie

Loves Everybody loves a freebie Come on Who wouldn't love a freebie So there was one of the silver bags in her house because I was supposed to gift it to someone

and she was going to carry with my auntie Breed for a couple of days and she messaged going there's a silver bag here seems a waste to leave it here would you rather I word around carry

to get people talking she goes like I'd advertise it for you and I was like yeah go on take the bag to carry so she takes it to carry basically declaring herself as an influencer like yeah go on take the bag to Kerry so she takes it to Kerry basically

declaring herself as an influencer Pat so she's taking the bag to Kerry to get people talking about it and then sends me a photo of it

where she's basically because they are huge bags they're big but they're great for like nappies anyway whatever Joanne don't sell it

so she folded in the corners of it so she goes I've made it what do you and she goes I've made it what do you think of this I've made it wearable I was like she basically folded in the ends

so it's not as large I was like thank you so much yeah you're dead right mum you've thank you Pat you've made it digestible thank you so much Kerry sales have gone through the roof Pat

thank you I have some news for the pod listeners and I'm going to try this out again I'm trying it out pod listeners I want you to get

behind me and believe in me I'm doing Sober October for fuck's sake it's the last time I said I was

giving up drinking I started tripling Tripling Your word is worth nothing I want the listeners behind me I'm doing Sober October Who's with me? Who wants to do Sober?

Emma do Sober October Joanne I'm not asking you Emma do Sober October Can we mute? Emma will you mute her or something? Do you think I can do it? I can't listen to these lies anymore. I just won't be lied to anymore.

Do you think I can do it? No. No one does. No one does. Okay. Right. Well do you know what? That's all I needed. That's the kick I needed. I'm going to show you. That's going to be me. Socktober. And also because I'm doing that. Basically right today John and I have launched we're doing our Flexi app, but the app isn't going to be available till January.

So we have launched a five week program. Of course, I have a code for our ghosted listeners. It goes to 20. So it will basically be 10 euro a week is what you'll pay. That's great. You should do this with me. It's a challenge, Joanne. So you've got three workouts a week and then John and i are going to be doing lives on the platform too so

then you'll get the lives and it's all saved down you can start whenever you want i'm going to start on monday joanne you're going to start on monday it's for everyone it's for all like exercise abilities it's going to be amazing it's three workouts a week plus a live and it's going to be fun goes to 20 flexi it'll be on my page i'm very proud of it we've worked really hard on it and i think that you're gonna amber's gonna do it i don't like to do too much exercise in case i relapse amber's gonna do it and it's not too much it's basically it's three workouts a week joanne and you're doing it i'll give you a code actually you can pay for it. It goes to 20.

But that's very exciting. We call Valen Sugar Valen Sugar because she's such a successful business bitch. But that's really exciting and you and John should work together. You get on so well and you want the same things. Yeah. And it's a great program. Really really good. Abs. Abs. Abs.

Oh God. Can I have another spoof of the week? is that too many spoofs spoof spoof spoof can I? yes it has to be Jada Pinkett Smith I just you know like I don't know her from Adam

as you would say but I just get a vibe off her you know I know she's a funny one I there's parts of her that I really admire. There's parts of her that I really admire and there's parts of her that I think she's drank her own Kool-Aid.

Yeah, I feel exactly the same. Yeah, there's parts of her that I'm like, oh wow, that's a really strong feminist stance. She takes no bullshit. She got married. She's very open. The fact she didn't want to get married, that she has needs, desires.

But then other times I'm like, Jade, this is just too much that red table where she gets her kids around and they interview people like it's like why are your kids asking

Sandra Bullock questions about her marriage it's a bit odd but I think though I don't think it's nice of her to be going on about how she didn't want to get married

because like she is married and that's her husband and I find that disrespectful to her husband and her marriage like don't get married if you don't get married it's as simple as that but what i think a lot of you get married you don't get married emo how's your plans how are your wedding plans going i don't know what you're talking about

i think a lot of people get married when she was pregnant it was like an act of you know she felt she had to she's been married for a long time I don't think like even if you did get married when you didn't feel

like you wanted to get married just don't go on about not wanting to get married I know what you're saying unless you've got divorced so then you can talk

about how you didn't really want to get married in the first place I know what you're saying I know what you're saying although I have to say I do think it's kind of cool when Will Smith's wife comes out

with like, it really wasn't my decision. Didn't want to do it. I feel like she definitely wears the trousers, but basically he posted this. She wears the trousers, the socks, the knickers

on the shoes. I know, but he posted a video. No, he posted a lovely gushing birthday tribute to her, which I thought was really nice. And then she ended up posting a video of her dancing with tupac who she used to go out with the same day as her birthday so she's posting a video of her and her ex when he's posting something really nice about her and then what she did she then posted something else um with a heartfelt message for her husband

because her his birthday was later. He's 55. But then that post, people were like, criticizing her remarks about the marriage and like, posting about like, her like,

basically, she was kind of thrown shade on her birthday and I thought it was a bit mean. I'm just not mad about her and her shade throwing. She's a formidable woman is what we would say.

Because I love Will Smith. Well, do you know what I was only thinking the other day as I sat in Gales in Gales? yeah I was in Gales okay

yeah it's an English chain I know it is it's a slightly higher end Pret-a-Manger yeah there was no Pret's so I went to Gales

which is I was sitting in Gales and I was having a thing just having a good old think about things and I was like Will thing, just having a good old think about things. And I was like, Will Smith is a prick. Like, the more I think about that slap at the Oscars, the more I realise how appalling it was. Oh God, it was so bad.

Apparently Chris Rock is in therapy and all. Apparently he had to go and see a psychiatrist and everything. Like, he smacked, like, you know what it's like. It would be so humiliating Think about this Do you know how embarrassing it is To fall off a bus In front of nobody

Yeah Fall up a flight of stairs In front of your boyfriend Fall anywhere Trip over anything A banana skin Imagine getting slapped In the face

Hard At the Oscars Live on television By someone in the front row like a really well it's not like some it's not like some randomer came in

some stalker like the bodyguard he was like a really well respected actor who was winning an Oscar slapped him in the face it's so bad but that's why

there's something going on in their marriage that he felt he had to do that and it's because she she's he obviously feels in a position where she's going to leg it or something I don't know and he felt he had to do that and it's because she she's there he obviously feels in a position where she's gonna leg it or something i don't know and he felt he had to kind of man up and like act like the fucking alpha and protect her i don't know the whole thing was really

really strange but i just think that like when i read that even about that like it's something there's something going on i don't know what it is something going on something is going on i feel that jada pinkettett Smith this would be my isn't heavily invested in that marriage no definitely not and he's trying to he is trying to keep

someone in love with him who's maybe not in love with him anymore and that's why he reacts like that at the Oscars that's possible to be fair

that's what I take obviously we don't know anything about their relationship we're just when I chat to Jada that's the vibe I get would obviously we don't know anything about their relationship we're just when I chat to Jada that's the vibe I get would you do the red table if they asked you

no I actually don't know if I'm going to do any more interviews like that because do you know what I just can't be arsed with the bullshit

that surrounds it the headlines and stuff yeah it's just kind of like it puts you off you're just like oh is there any I nearly deleted

Twitter the other day I thought I'm not really that mad for it I just think that like there's a real like I'm trying to get away from the nastiness

anywhere that it is and I find that Instagram is not nasty Twitter is quite nasty yeah X X yeah it's rebranded so

I'm not calling it X no we don't we've now respect for we're not going to fucking call it X and that's it for this week everybody

sorry the podcast is a little bit late but again thank you for helping us win our award and we will see you next week also

before you go let's give a little push to our Australian tour we're in we're going over we're going to be in Australia from the To our Australian tour We're in We're going over We're going to be in Australia From the 11th of November We're in Perth

Sydney Melbourne Then we come back We have Belfast Then we're in the Dublin We have the three arenas But there's tickets left For the last three arenas

Then we have Mayo in December Oh I'm excited for Mayo We're in Killarney On the 13th and the 14th of December In the INEC arena And the 13th is soldarney on the 13th and the 14th of December in the INEC arena and the 13th is sold out but there are still tickets

for the 14th yay I can't wait to go there Christmas party yeah I know a Christmas party night out I've been Joanne McNally

she's been Val Williams we'll see you next week Thank you.