My Therapist Ghosted Me - Post Thief, Jedward & How Often Do You Wash?

Episode Date: May 3, 2024

So, how often do you wash? Vogue's done a deep dive and she knows all about how often celebrities are doing it. Plus, boyfriend jeans, skinny jeans... Who knows?!If you’d like to get in touch, you can send an email to [e-mail] review Global's Privacy Policy: global.com/legal/privacy-policy/For merch, tour dates and more visit: www.mytherapistghostedme.com/For more information about Joanne's gigs, visit: www.joannemcnally.comThis episode contains explicit language and adult themes that may not be suitable for all listeners.Thank you!

This is a Global Player Original Podcast. Hello and welcome to My Therapist Ghosted Me with Mebogue Williams and myself Joanne McNally. Joanne McNally I was making my cup of decaf tea as I do every night rock and roll and I just washed washed my hands

because I'm a clean girl and the tea cup slipped out of my hand and scalded the inside of my legs and now I have all these but you want to see it's like I've dropped

cigarettes all in the inside of my legs is this from that hot tap thing that you have listen I want to have a quaker tap I will not have a bad word said about that hot tap is it a quaker tap a cooker a quaker it is the greatest thing it is the greatest thing that's

ever come into my life I don't know how often I'm in that house and to this day I still can't there's some witchcraft to getting that thing getting the boiling water out of it but I do

like don't get me wrong I'll be fucking getting a Quaker tap as soon as I get here I wonder what a Quaker tap will look like a Quaker tap just a tap with a little hat

we judge people in our in a cart a horse and cart just like just stinking of oats stinking of oats stinking of oats Quaker oats

oh my god I was thinking of the Quakers a porridge top yeah like a full day breakfast we judge you're judged in our house

we judge people on two things in our house one thing we judge if you well that's just a level of its own I'm a Spenny wore a harness

in some parts by the way I haven't brought it up yet but em if you ring our doorbell and you don't do anything like stand there

and don't push the door or can't find where to push the door Spenny and I are like there's something wrong with that person there's something wrong with them

and if somebody can't get the cooker tap on I'm like really embarrassed and there's me thinking you're a great hostess I was only writing the other day

I was writing in my book about a great host Vogue was turns out the other day I was writing in my book about a great host Vogue was turns out you're a little bitch a little judgy bitch

I knew you'd think I'm a great host but I'm not you're just so bad that you think I'm great but like for instance

Jane Spencer's mother is a great host like when you came over I didn't have any crisps or anything out I gave you leftover food because I didn't want it to go off.

We went for dinner in Vogue and she gave us leftovers and we had to heat them up ourselves. Actually yeah what am I talking about? I've had better to get better service in prison. She just took out all old food

and we all just queued up like boarding school and queued for the microwave. Actually what am I I take it all back I had a nice table setting well you just had a fucking table didn't you

I had a tablecloth you had a tablecloth and matching napkins sorry you did now in fairness you did and candles you did

with daisies on them you did but you're doing that's your collab you're trying to shift them that actually wasn't my collab it was you try to get us

to buy them at the end you'll like tag me in that will you speaking of table settings I have a post thief oh

so someone is coming in and stealing our post stop yes and so far from me because he just he just goes delivery whenever someone goes delivery

we just let them in. The lampshade. No, the lampshade stayed. I have a lamp, I have a lamp, I have a lamp on the way that has arrived. That is,

I've done it again. It is the size of the lampshade. I'd say it's like two GGs high. And it's not a floor lamp. It's not a floor lamp, It's not a floor lamp. It's for a table. I told you it was. I wondered.

You were like, look at this amazing lamp. I'd say even Enya would be like, I don't have space for that. But I'm willing to make it work. And you're one. Erin in Mullan, she's really nice.

With the light, because she listens to the pod. She sent me a tape measure with it because she was like, you might want to start measuring shit. Anyway. I'm getting lights off them. I hope mine don't come like that.

Well, no. Remember I got the, I wanted the really, I just didn't realize how large. I just like big stuff. What can I say? I have big eyes and a greedy stomach.

Do you know what it's, what is it calling? Manifesting. I'm manifesting. You're manifesting a castle. A giant castle. Yeah. I'll be like ordering things

from my mouth. They're like, you live in a fucking apartment Joanne why have you bought a speedboat from my moat so I can do my rounds at night

make sure there's no one in the moats where my moats are free so anyway I got a message saying there's someone been stealing I'm sorry

these jeans are I can't these jeans are so tight by the way I had to give away the jeans you gave me and I loved them the ones with the stripe I had to give away the jeans you gave me and I loved them the ones with the stripe

I had to get rid of them they were they're never going to fit anyone I don't know when did you wear them as a 15 year old because I wore them one day

and it cut off the circulation I actually had purple legs I had to get rid of them oh yeah well it was when I was quite unwell that's why I said if I had a relapse

I'd have taken them back I really thought it would be I had a relapse I'd have taken them back I really thought it would be quite a significant relapse like I think I miss that I miss those

glory days I squeezed myself into them and I was like I'm actually in pain wearing an armband as a belt

just like a little little dress to slip into an armband teeny tiny so anyway the post man he is coming in he is stealing

presents packages and posts no not the actual post man another man no sorry I don't wish to embroil the postal service

in more scandal because they want to did you hear all did you read all that scandal shocking wild anyway so far from me

he has stolen a box of table settings from LNH from LNH which ones did you choose all the cabbage stuff and the cabbages

are now gone and he stole a pallet of canned wine canned rosé so he is going to have quite the dinner party on me

it's the summer you need the canned wine I know what the hell and I just think and then anyway we got a photo of him on the CCTV

and he's posted all around us now and I just I'm laughing because I mean I don't want to judge a book by its cover but he just doesn't look

like the type who's going to use a cabbage table setting if you get what I'm saying he looks a bit rough and ready but also whatever about my canned wine drama and also sorry the company who's going to use a cabbage table setting, if you get what I'm saying. It looks a bit rough and ready. But also, whatever about my canned wine drama. And also,

sorry, the company, the first pallet of canned wine they sent to the wrong address. And that person contacted me going, do you live in Clapham? I said, because I think I've got something

belonging to you. Oh, that's so nice. I said, you know what, you keep that because that's really sound that you actually said it to me. You keep that.

I'll ask them for another one. So then I told them and they said, oh, we told her we'd send her another one to say thanks as well. So that woman has two pallets and I have nothing.

Well, I feel sorry for the wine people because they're down three pallets. And you still don't have any. I'm still sober. What is this life? Anyway, but there was a couple upstairs,

a new couple and he's after taking out their wedding presents they had delivered. I know. Oh my god They'd be nice bits as well There's really a hoover in there And everything

You be careful You get bits sent from Dyson I wouldn't like that name Well obviously now Everything is going to be sent To your address Oh god F-A-O-J-O-A-N

Just in case You think you're getting lucky I do open things sometimes And I'm like Wow Like that necklace I opened that Tilly Sivas necklace And I was like

Wow I didn't even ask for that I'm going you know the way my pelvic floor is always moving around everyone's lopsided everyone is slightly

misaligned yes look okay everyone do this look at yourself naked in the mirror and have like your shoulders your shoulders will be off one shoulder will be naked in the mirror and have like your shoulders

your shoulders will be off one shoulder will be down on the floor and the other one will be up by your ear yeah look in the mirror and admire your quasi-moto

back for the day look in the mirror and start crying went to see Rebel Wilson oh sorry I don't know I just I just

why do you hate Rebel Wilson I don't hate I do not hate Rebel Wilson you don't hate her I just I told you it just it makes me feel uncomfortable

all of this around it you know her book is different in the UK as well because it wasn't let be printed in the UK yes because well she spoke about that so I went to see

Rebel Wilson talk about her new book and it was hosted by Fern Cotton and it was on in what I believe I thought was the London Apollo

turns out it was the London Palladium did you go to the Apollo of course I did oh Joanne I don't read deets god damn it off we went

and anyway made it in time back to the London Palladium like challenge Annika oh my god the Palladium is so much easier to get to I know I don't read deets. God damn it. Off we went. And anyway, made it in time. Like challenge Annika. Oh my God, the stadium's so much easier to get to. I know. What a waste of steps.

What? Although I'm back around my Fitbit now, so it did look great the next day. I was like, oh look at that hysterical race

to get in in time. Did you just arrive soaking wet? Sweat. No folk. I mean, it's quite the walk. Every time I sweat now

every time I'm sweating on Insta someone's like are you perimenopausal no I'm just hot Sheila I'm just hot so it was really good

I really enjoyed it but she did speak about that the Sacha Baron Cowan thing and she was saying that legally every kind of territory has to decide on whether they'll

print stuff so I didn't realise that the Sasha Baron-Kahn stuff in the UK has been redacted we all got a free book which I thought

was very generous did you? yeah how many of you's went? how much were tickets? I think they were £70 what?

that's not a free book how was it? was she good? it was really good she looked amazing she seems like a really gorgeous, sound,

fun person. Honestly. I'm glad to hear that. I took, I really, really enjoyed it. I think the production could have done with a bit of a kick up the gee, but the talk itself.

Send Amber in. I think it needed a bit more, I just like, I like a bit of pizzazz. Like, you know, there was like, maybe more music or something, I don't know. Or maybe some I just like, I like a bit of pizzazz. Like, you know, there was like, maybe more music or something, I don't know.

Or maybe some more like visuals on the screen. But why would she send Amber to give her a kick at the key? Sorry. I just remembered. Yeah. She needed her sister in there.

Well, what I was going to say, remember when we would do our show and then we'd be like, well, we just go out and sit there and play music the whole time I don't think they want

to hear us shite on it turns out no one wants to sit there and listen to anyone talk they just want music definitely if the energy like just hold on

sorry can I just also say that these Pullum Bear jeans they're so tight and I'm absolutely enraged that Pullum Bear I can see outlines of everything don't privately factor in weight gain when they're making tight and I'm absolutely enraged that Pullum Bear I can see outlines of everything

don't privately factor in weight gain when they're making jeans like why don't they still fit me my ass has grown I'm actually not trying to even like promote

but like that's the jean you want they're my jeans from my collection and there's a pink pair from my collection that you would love but they're sold out

I could get you a pair if I wanted to but I'm not intending on it well you're not having the jeans without the floral dress whatever

I could do with a new set of curtains give it to me I'll hang them in the flat no deliver them to mine I'll collect them there hopefully they get stolen come here

no offence to because you know I admire you as a business bitch why are your ankles so bare they're basically culottes that you're promoting

Joanne excuse me right first of all skinny jeans are not in anymore what what do you mean skinny jeans are gone are they

yeah but these these were supposed to be boyfriend jeans I've gained some weight folk thanks okay sorry I didn't know you'd bought mom jeans

these are actually Petromotion I'm wearing flares these are actually the baggiest jeans available on the market but yeah I gained some weight

so thanks for that so much for being body positive these are called ankle I had to wear nine belts just to keep these up. Now I can't breathe.

These are called ankle grazers. Okay. Yeah, I'm not into that now. I like it. Jo, there's a lot of ankle coming from you as well. These are shorts.

Fine. Okay, fine. There's a lot of leg over in that region. Are they not paining you? As soon as Should I just buy a pair of full blown

trousers as soon as it's above 15 degrees we all have to get into our summer gear you're wearing fucking burmese

he's wearing hot pants it's disgusting it's just the rules it's still it's still what is it

it's May it's May guys I meant to say happy May Day Happy May Day. Happy May Day. Is that a thing? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Big...

I'm going polling later. What's polling? It's just something we make May Day people... Are you voting? Jesus, no. I'm joking. Are you going for Rishi?

Big day. Yeah, Happy May Day. Would you check when we do happy May Day would you check what we do on May Day because I think we should make a day of it listen I'm not doing anything I'm working on May Day and then I'm going home it's kind of pagan-y

which I'm into at the moment we're on the May poll all of that that's it polling that's what I meant gonna do some May polling later okay make sure you get a video to watch it

then we'll feel like we did it I'm really moving into paganism you're not actually at all you didn't even know what May Day was you didn't know it's the start of May

foul Jesus that's all it is it's just because we I worked up the who's the pagan god the sons

and that kind of thing oh okay great okay the baby from Tally Tuppies do I we're going polling for the baby later can't wait great day out for us Pagan gods. Sons and that kind of thing. Okay, great. The baby from Tally Tuppies. We're going polling for the baby later. Can't wait.

Great day out for us. Happy May Day, guys. For everyone else. For everyone else who celebrates. I love those weird pagan films like The Wicker Man and what was it? Is that the Johnny Depp? No.

What's his name? Keanu Reeves. No. Okay, fine, whatever. No, I'm fine whatever are you thinking of the Matrix no I think

oh no what's his name Nicolas Cage they did remake it with Nicolas Cage oh there you go well I was obviously speaking about the original

because I've been a pagan for quite a while now Edward Woodward Edward Woodward huge fan of him I don't know who Edward Woodward is what's the other

kind of weird creepy pagan one with Florence Pugh in it? Summer something. Brilliant. Summer solstice or something. Solstices are strange, strange things.

Midsummer. Midsummer. Also a great recommendation, Vogue. This week I had a conversation with Spenny and I was telling Joanne about the conversation. Spenny turned around to me

because he's not really a dog. Like, have you ever seen him petting one of the dogs? I've never seen him interact with the children he doesn't even he doesn't they're not dogs

I've certainly never seen him interact with the dogs watch him when you come over watch him pet the dogs it's like he doesn't even know how to pet a dog I saw

I made him kiss Bertie once and it was the funniest thing ever but he started because when he's getting older he's got this cough that I'm trying to get rid of he's on hard tablets and then I have to give him two meals of this other thing twice a day

so he was like what happens when he dies I was like well what do you mean he's like well where does he go I was like he goes to the vet and he gets cremated and then they give you back and then they give you back the ashes and Joanne thought that it was really bad of me to do that,

that I should be bringing Winston back to the homeland of Ireland to get him buried. And I thought, well, how am I going to get him back? Like rent, you wanted me to rent a private jet to fly a dog's dead body back to Ireland. So just because he's dead, it's not Winnie anymore. It's just a dog's dead body. I mean, are you going to pay his effort?

Put him in a suitcase. Bring him on the stand-alone. They never check anything. I'll put him in one of the bags. I'll put him in one of the bags. That is so true. They never check out. You could bring a fucking hand grenade on there.

Sailor rail. Yeah, sailor rail Winnie how? He deserves a proper burial. Maybe he does. And I have stone and everything. I'm going to put a flag on his coffin. Do you? I am.

I'm going to bring him home. There's going to be a lovely flag on his coffin it will be an Australian flag because he's an Australian dog oh sorry I forgot I'm not flying him to Australia

no he'll be dead he's not going to notice he's an Irish dog now we've taken him in he's an Irish dog yeah no definitely do

bring him back to the homeland that's what he'd want except not his real one the cheaper one the cheaper one I'll tell you what I have to be honest he's going to the vet come on your kids might listen to this one tell you what I have to be honest he's going to the vet

come on your kids might listen to this one day so I'd edit that and say he's going to a farm like everyone else does yeah they all went to the farm my parents never did that because they didn't give a shit

well our friend's dog died recently and there was they were the dog was given a wicker basket and that was a lovely

that was a lovely the dog was buried in land and limerick and the dog was given a headstone and everything yeah that's the kind of thing I would like And the dog was given A headstone and everything Yeah That's the kind of thing I would like

When my dad was given A headstone Because it reminded me Of my dad's headstone And he was given This headstone Where they had like Someone had drawn

A picture of his face In the headstone And I have never Seen a more frightening Looking picture Hold on Freddie's face Is on the headstone

Freddie's face Well no We took it away Because it really wasn't great It was like Who approved that Without the family's consent Well I think my auntie Got it made Oh my really wasn't great it was like who approved that without the family's consent well I think my auntie

got it made oh my god so she got it made right my auntie Sharon it's his sister obviously and she got this made and we were all like

oh Jesus he looks fucking awful there and we actually couldn't because it was so frightening but you know when they have one of those one of those wooden crosses that they put on

before they had to Yeah, yeah, because the land has to settle, doesn't it? So Sharon took the wooden cross home and it's real Oh wow, with his face on it? His face isn't on that one but she took it home and sometimes it's in her garden

and sometimes she'll send me a picture of her with the wooden cross Is this one of those times that are you crying laughing are you crying I'm not crying I just always find it funny when people send me

like Amber will go to his grave and send me a picture of the grave I'm like thanks I know you're like I forgot he was dead oh Jesus Jesus Christ

I picked up the phone in the hairdresser's the other day and I thought it was mine I looked at it three texts from dad turns out it wasn't mine I was like what I haven't heard three texts from dad turns out it wasn't mine I was like

what I haven't heard from him I haven't heard from him in years what has he got to say what the hell he's finally got wifi do you know that billionaire there was a billionaire

I read a story this week there was a Russian billionaire who faked his own death and he was found living somewhere with his mistress oh I love those stories I love those stories yeah I love those stories.

Yeah, let's dig up. What do you call it when you dig a body back up? Oh, exhume. Exhume a body. Yeah. No, I'd really, that reminds me of that story.

He's still there, guys. Okay. Put the soil back on. I don't know if you've seen Joe. I have fallen at the last crock hurdle. Pringles sent me a pair of crocs did I show you these crocs? I adore them they're so nice

now they might send you a pair of oak I'll try and see if I can suss it out for you well I mean I've already mentioned it they're still on Pringles don't dress everyone I've got to be honest they don't dress everyone some celebrities

have come out and said that they don't like to wash how often do you wash I wash every day I wash every day although I don't think

I should really have to but unfortunately every day I'd have a shower some of them don't well hold on now hold on now I have to be completely honest if I'm lounging around

I wouldn't be bothered no I'd always have a shower now I'd have to be completely honest. If I'm lounging around, I wouldn't be bothered. No, I'd always have a shower now. I'd have to hop in the shower. I know if I'm a level 10 hangover, which hasn't happened in many years, there will not be a shower taken that day. And if a shower isn't taken, I know it's a really bad day for me.

I find it just wakens the spirit. A quick shower. Did you read recently they were saying there's really no need to shower every day, but people do it anyway. Oh, I just if I smell a smell off myself like I'd have to go home

nearly and like wash I'm fascinated by my smells oh no I would not like that but some people I could understand like there's a wildlife presenter Michaela Strachan

she says she washes like once a week I understand that she's around animals if they get her scent they will run away oh is that what it is if you go deer hunting when you go deer that what it is? If you go deer hunting,

when you go deer hunting... Which I regularly do. When you go deer hunting, you can't wear perfume or anything because the deer will smell the perfume. Sure, I know. We're always going deer hunting. Go this weekend, actually.

But a shooting, a shooting weekend with Prince Andrew. No, no, no, no, no. That was just a regular shoot. That was just a regular shooting weekend. Sorry? jam along. That was just a regular shooting weekend. Sorry? What the fuck is a regular

shooting weekend, Andrew? What? Prince Andrew. Remember when he did that interview and he was like, no, no, no, no. That wasn't a party.

That was just a regular shooting weekend. Sorry, for us normal folk, what's a regular shooting weekend? It sounds like a party. But I worked with McKenna Strachan.

Smelled nice. I would think if she's a wildlife presenter that maybe it's that it's environmental she has to smell like muck she's not she's out and about

she wants to smell like that but when I was with her it did not smell like muck it smelled quite nice Jonathan Ross said he only washes like once a week also that man

has smelled nice every time I've met him and we've worn his clothes yeah we tried on his coat he tried on his full length leather jacket the other day you know what he did to Sven?

He was here because Jonathan Ross records in Global, so you see him sometimes. And Sven, he took that as his moment to ask Jonathan to go on Big Fish. And he was like, oh, come on, Jonathan, will you go on Big Fish? And Jonathan was like, no. And Sven, he was like, no, you will though, wouldn't you?

And he was like, well, why would I come in here and sit on your podcast and talk to you for an hour when I could be at home doing what I want to do? And Spenny was like, Jesus, fair play. Okay, that's fair enough. Yeah, I mean, you can't argue with that. I actually really liked that. Sometimes honesty is so honest, it's discombobulating.

I prefer honesty than a lie, though. It's just, even if it's really bad, you just have to be like, listen, do you know what? I've made a balls of that. Ah, yeah. Ah, yeah, yeah. But sometimes, I remember this. There was a guy we knew when we were younger.

He started chefing. And it was around the time where we had loads of gangs of friends and everyone just kind of saw each other at the weekend in pubs and stuff. And we were kind of stuck talking. We didn't really get on that well. I didn't really get on that well. Anyway, we were stuck talking in the pub.

And I said, so what are you up to these days? He goes, I'm starting going chaffing. So I've got a dinner party. I'm going to put a dinner party on for my friends. I said, well, I'd love to go. I'm kind of joking. I think I was joking. I can't remember.

And he goes, to be fair, Joanna, I'm not going to invite you. Like, I don't really know you. And I was like, you had to say it, didn't you? You couldn't just, you couldn't just play along with this lie. I don't want to go to your dinner party anyway.

I was only being nice. I don't like going anywhere. Please. But this was when I was young and I loved going places. But Jay was like, we don't really know each other, John, I'm not going to.

And it was just like, when someone just kind of pulls the, pulls the curtain back and you're just faced with this person that you don't really know that you've just invited yourself

over to their house for a dinner party it's done I'll never forget it oh well put you back in your place did you see your man who ran London Marathon

and it made me think that you could win oh yeah yeah the London Marathon I saw this man he drank a glass of wine for every mile how he kept going

so how many miles was the London Marathon 27 26 26.2 he did not drink 26 glass of wine for every mile. How he kept going. So how many miles of the London Marathon? 27? 26. 26.2. He did not drink 26 glasses of wine. I think he was doing like many,

he wasn't drinking Joanne glasses of wine. Yeah, you couldn't. Oh my God, I was with Una, our director when Spenny and I were doing our show in Dubai

and they came over and gave her a glass of wine and I looked at her and I was like, Joanne would go berserk if she saw that. Tiny.

Like not, I was like, did he, iserk if she saw that tiny like not I was like is this a joke yeah that's like in America and that's why I'm giving my visa back but your man yeah well you have to have the visa

and now I have to have the visa because we're going on tour in America I know yeah which I can't wait for but I think if I had to do a marathon which I never will

I think I'd rather be drunk I was it reminded me of why would I do one no oh do you know, which I never will, I think I'd rather be drunk. I was, it reminded me of... Why would I do one? No. Oh, do you know what you can do with me? I... Wait to hear how condescending this is.

Go on, what is this? You put me in a paddling pool or something? No, I need to tell you about something else after that about the wine. What you can do with me, because Benny's doing his 30 marathons in 30 days. Oh yeah. For charity. I will move in. And she...

Is that what you're asking? I will. I will take his role I am going to do 5k a day for 30 days what do you mean is that that's hard

I think that's hard I know it's for charity you can't say no oh what charity I'm already doing a lot of charity work at the moment

yeah sure I'd love to do that, Vogue. I think, do you know what? I was hoping it was going to be something like that, actually, when you asked me. 5K a day is really hard. I was basically spending time trying to make me a better runner.

And yesterday, I ran around Battersea Park in my fastest time ever, which is slow for everyone else, five minutes, 35, which is... You did the whole Battersea Park? No, of course I didn't do the whole baddysy park i'm not fucking usain bolt like i did sorry you just said i ran around that was that was my pace i did the whole park in under 20 and i was like wow that's really good then i got home and i i felt so cold

from the sweat i had to have a bath and then when i got out of the bath i was like oh my god i think i'm gonna faint and that was from one lap but i I think if I did 5K a day, I could maybe become a bit of a runner. Yeah, I think, yeah. I think you have a runner's build. Thank you. Yeah. Why don't I time you? No.

No. You could go in the scooty beside me if you have to. But we have to do 5K a day. It's like that villain about the swimmer. What's it called? Oh, yeah, yeah. She's in the boat beside her encouraging her

along what's that called that was a great film but I used to so Niaad that's it

I used to now this is back in my 20s and I was trying to like really like I was busy with work I was trying to

condense all my time so like you know the way you'd pre-drink before you went out so I had this little gym on my balcony

like just with a few bits and bobs and I was like I need to train like before we go out like I have to I haven't trained today and so I had this little gym on my balcony like just with a few bits and bobs and I was like I need to train like before we go out like I have to I haven't trained today and so I started pre-drinking

during my training what? that is commitment to both sides of yourself I love that I did it I was like I was on the balcony

vodka diet coke that's hilarious and training at the same time that wine reminded me of it and I was like that was probably really unhealthy oh

I didn't I mean a vodka red book could get you through vodka coke was fine I have to say I've tried no excuses you're right

you're right I've tried but it doesn't really work for me but like once I have a sip of wine motivation it's like nah you're a grant like I've gone out with lads before we're like oh have a glass of wine then go to the gym like, nah, you're a grant. Like I've gone out with lads before,

we're like, oh, have a glass of wine and go to the gym and I've never, they go to the gym and I'm like, I'm not going anywhere. A glass of wine

and go to the gym, come on, no one does that. Joanne actually, right, we were texting on Sunday and we were really, we were texting on Sunday and Joanne was coming over,

we were doing a 7K and I was like, you know, do you mind, do you mind if we go running a bit early? And she was like, like 12 and I was like,

no, like 8am and she was like, no, I'm not going to do that. So I went running at 8 and then I was like do you mind do you mind if we go running a bit early and she was like 12 and I was like no like 8am and she was like no I'm not going to do that so I went running at 8 and then I was like you know I'm actually a bit tired from the morning will we just train in the gym

and Joanne's like yeah I can't wait I'd love to come down to train in the gym I'll be down in about half an hour and then about 5 minutes later I got a text sorry I'm not coming down

I've decided to go and have a glass of wine with my friend I need to do this it's for the pod and I was like it's for the pod perfect okay

see you soon Vogue I've decided to ditch all exercise and go on the piss with Susan to meet men so I will not be down today this is in the space

of five minutes I was getting ready to train 10.49 I said see you soon 11.09 is when I bowed out I loved it

do you know what I did do you know what I did I was sitting it was Saturday night I was in bed was it Saturday night or Friday night come on

that was pathetic pathetic it was I was sitting in bed that's behaviour that you'd expect from me big time my Pringle Crocs

beside the bed I was sitting in bed it was 8pm Jo 8pm on a Saturday and I beside the bed. I was sitting in bed. It was 8pm, Jo. 8pm on a Saturday. And I said... That's my dream! There's fucking nursing homes up later than that.

I was like, this has to stop. What's going on with me? So the next day, I was all about the training. And then I just had this moment. It was like, no! I'm a single woman. I'm not saying that I have to meet a man. I mean, I don't even know if I want to.

I just thought I should really be out past six o'clock. Well, do you know what happened to me on that day then? Because you did that to me. You built another app. No, it went from bad to worse. I said to Sven, because it was raining, as you'll remember. And I was like, right, we need to do something with the kids because we can't go to the park. We can't go to the park.

And I was like, do you know what? Let's take them to Westfield. That'd be great. They'll absolutely love Westfield. People in Ireland do you know what let's take them to Westfield that'd be great they'll absolutely love Westfield people in Ireland won't know what Westfield is Westfield is like

Dundrum it's a shopping centre Westfield is a shopping centre it's a shopping centre a really cool shopping centre that I thought my kids would be thrilled to and I thought you know

you've been good today so far I'm going to buy you a little present so we went to Hamley's Theodore wouldn't stop eating the bubbles because what they do is somebody at the front of the shop that makes the kids want to go in

so she's spraying bubbles everywhere the people in Hamley's were giving out to Theodore because he wouldn't stop eating the bubbles and then Spenny walked out there was no reception in Hamley's so I went in with Gigi I got her a little 90th Barbie

and we bought that and I was like where is he? I was looking around the shop for ages small shop walked out Theodore was just

standing there bawling crying he's like daddy said I gotta get a toy and I was like Svenny whatever he's done

we cannot bring that child to Hamley's and then leave that's cruel now no I brought him back in I brought him back in he did get something but there was a story

that I saw which made me think of them that day did you see the cat that got sent in a box on Amazon no

so somebody was sending something back to Amazon their cat had obviously jumped into the box and so this cat flew how many miles

was it hang on this cat flew 650 miles from home and ended up somewhere because it had jumped

in the box and it had been transported the whole way that's what you do when you post them post them just post them back I had two things

I was thinking that day in Westfield you could easily just package them up and send them off down to my mum in Spain and she'd be opening this package

thinking it's a lovely gift I'd be like it's the kids i'd be like oh jesus christ just pretend it was the kids they crawled in they crawled in i didn't know same with bertie bertie's gonna be on his way home to ireland to amber kissing all over the house would you not train them listen i'm trying to train him dog should be trained by now he isn't but then i saw did i tell you about the cat frank i saw on a then I saw, did I tell you about the cat Frank I saw on a, did I tell you about the cat Frank? There's an old cat Frank

on one of those websites where they rehome cats and dogs and its owner had died. But Frank was like 17 and I was trying to get Amber and Megan to take Frank in Ireland because I don't want to take him but I feel sorry for him.

I'll take him. Where is he? He's in Ireland. But I was thinking you could just package Frank off, send him I'll take him where is he he's in Ireland but I was thinking you could just package Frank off send him to the house by the time he's there

they keep him post him to mine oh no because your man will steal him post him to yours and I'll collect him there I met Jedward is that your first time

meeting Jedward yes what I met Jedward and it was like meeting meeting Jedward yes what I met Jedward and it was like meeting two tiny Irish J-Lo's yeah they look

11 years of age in real life I know they're so buzzy they're exactly what you'd think they'd be but I met them at the Rebel show

such nice lads but we took a photo and like to say they have photoshopped that thing it looks like it's been AI generated I was people were like Jo's been AI generated people are like

Joanne you look gorgeous I'm like that is not me you'd want to see they've face tuned it filtered it fair play to them they know exactly what you want from a picture I could not be more pleased I'm actually going to grid it I think grid it some of the shit you put

in your grid by the way and I'm never on the grid what I want to be on the grid you are on the grid no I want to be on the grid this week that's it you absolutely are on the grid

I don't look great today I'm not taking a picture today but I want to be on the grid another time you're absolutely on the grid if I grid anything of Joanne and I she'll ring me

she's like I'm sorry you have to take that down it's not good for my mental health yeah I'm like Joanne it's been up for hours I didn't I didn't get into

this business to be photographed this much do you know what I mean it wasn't part of comedy when I when I saw this

career I didn't think I'd feel maybe I'd be made feel so ugly all the time well tough luck oh wow

you do no that looks like you well I mean they kept the I mean it is originally me that looks like you when we mean they kept the I mean it is originally me that looks like you when we first met

when I was 17 you were an absolute little wagon wow that's the cruelest thing you've ever said you look amazing you don't look that

different to when we were younger yeah because they photoshopped it I'm not I mean it's still me I'm not saying they changed my head

I'm just saying they did that's not your nose somebody sent me this thing on uh on Instagram they were like this is you and it was like this guy and he's like someone in the background's like oh my god yeah my granny just died it's really he's like wow that's amazing well done like just answering completely random things

I do it all the time I'm just like yeah and Svenny's like you can't hear me Svenny's like what like are you gonna are you gonna and I was like well

actually I didn't hear you so I just said yeah yeah there's only so many times you can ask someone to repeat themselves I know three is how many times

before people get pissed off I would like to say that I got a smear test this week but you didn't no I did I got a smear test you're saying I'd like to

sorry to hear I would like to tell you all that I got a smear test to remind people to go and get their smear test and it was the best smear test I've ever had

she was magnificent in and out didn't even notice in and out now I mean it might have gotten larger down there since the three kids

I'm not sure but it was a very enjoyable experience and I had been putting it off and I said now I'm glad I did that I'm going to do

a mammogram next I do not know how they do mammograms on people with pecs but I'm sure they're like we can see there's no lump sure they're like we can see there's no lump there

we're fine we can actually see your rib cage so you're fine just do a little twirl you're grand out you go come here to me

speaking of looking after myself do you see all the black dots on my face that is pigmentation that I got lifted oh yeah isn't technology amazing so I went in basically

and they basically shoot you with lasers and then you leave and you've got all these black dots that just look like she's like do you mind? I was like I don't care get rid of it

get rid of everything. And now I have all these like black dots that come off your face and then the pigmentation's gone. Yeah it's the freckles they burn them off. You've got nice skin

as well at the moment. Well you remember I had the rosacea and this whatever dermatitis or psoriasis or some fucking I think it was rosacea I even know that. When had the rosacea and this whatever dermatitis or psoriasis or some fucking Isis thing. I think it was rosacea.

I even know that. When it was rosacea and the other thing. Remember my eyes kind of, they were like two little cat asses. They kind of, they went all crusty and tight. Do you remember them? Do you remember them? Yes! Yeah.

And it was all across my nose and everything. I know. Cat asses. They were like two little cat asses. It was disgusting. I remember. And then I put makeup on them because I was doing shows at the time and it just looked so

it just made them worse oh god they were like crusted over like a lizard like a lizard cat ass did you have to bring your own makeup brushes no one would touch me

it was like I was a leper I went to this dermatologist so her name's Katrina Ryan I love a dermatologist I think that would have been my job if I hadn't been doing what I'm doing this dermatologist so her name's Katrina Ryan I love a dermatologist I think that would have been my job if I hadn't been doing what I'm doing

a dermatologist but she's like a doctor she like yeah skin doctor a skin doctor very important she went in

and her name I have to give her a massive like I owe her my well my face I was going to say my life that might be a bit much

you owe her your cat asses I owe her well I owe her that might be a bit much you owe her your cat asses I owe her well I owe her that my that my my eyes no longer look like two cats asses

well Jo and I are thrilled as well because it was really revolting for us at one stage too it was disgusting for everyone I thought Dr. Katrina Ryan she's in she's I think

I just think she sounds Irish she is she's in Ireland she's in the Institute of Dermatology something oh that sounds fancy

yeah I think she's technically the most trained dermatologist, the highest trained dermatologist in Ireland. Yeah, I know, yeah. Does she do like little treatments as well?

She does actually. She does? She does a bit of everything? She does a bit of everything. But if anyone's looking for like an excellent dermatologist, I cannot recommend her enough. She's always that sound.

Well, that's very nice. I always like a little recommendation she trained in Dallas and I'm going back there that just sounds really fancy Dallas well I'm going there

at the time will you get me some cowboy boots we have the same shirt yes you will actually yes you will you're not having anything to do we both want cowboy boots I'll get you a pair

of cowboy boots fine absolutely fine I'll get you I'll get you a fucking pair of thigh boots I don't want to see your knees either Jesus did you even dress

we both want we both want cowboy boots I would like a cowboy hat and I also want an American Fanta if you come home without an American Fanta

again that's it I'm finished there's this thing called the World Wide Web why don't you you can't order American Fanta because it's illegal

over here because it's so it's shite and I love it you're going to need to smuggle that in ah yeah that's fine I'll do that you know that I love stealing

well I used to yeah we love stealing and I'm in fairness if the opportunity presented itself and I thought I'd get away with it there's a strong chance I'd steal I know coffee

the Azera is very expensive we've spent many a time I've wanted to slip that in my pocket £7 I wouldn't steal what I wouldn't steal from a shop

I steal from friends and family come on oh sorry do you remember that white hoodie you wore to my house for the dinner party and I said I liked it

well it's sitting at home washed ready to go is it you can have that oh thanks I'm lying you're not on that well we'll see no you're not on that we shall see Well, it's sitting at home, washed, ready to go. Is it? You can have that. Oh, thanks. I'm lying.

You're not on that. Well, we'll see. No, you're not on that one. We shall see. Did you see? So the dinner party that you hosted, I had to cook my own food. And you stole from me. You microwaved something. Get lost.

Okay, so there was a robber. And I thought he was the most amazing thief. And maybe this is what the fella at your house is doing. So he's dressed as a bin bag. Has anyone seen it? Oh, I think I saw this floating around. And he's just scuttling along and his little feet are just at the bottom of the bin bag and he's scuttling along towards a doorstep.

Yeah. I thought it was the most. Is it real or fake? Real. He stole, because you know the way sometimes they leave deliveries on the doors so he'd scuttle up the driveway dress as a bin bag and steal. That's quite smart really isn't it?

I think I think if you found him stealing something you'd say do you know what you deserve that. If I saw a bin bag running down the road now I don't think my nervous system could handle it. I thought it was amazing there's another woman At least he has the decency to disguise himself our lad's just fucking

walking in another guy went in to a clothes shop took off his own clothes put on the new clothes and left oh yeah standard dream

yeah yeah yeah perfect I'll tell you what I know where I'm going did he not buzz out did he not the tags not pop they always go off

even if you haven't been stealing well I have a lovely top from TK Maxx it's an Aless body top at home which has the big huge big

electric tag on it and I if I cut it out it's gonna rip the top but I can't bring it back because I don't have the receipt they're not gonna take it off

for me of course they'll take it off for you if you explain it I've no receipt I've no proof that I bought this will you just

will you just take all your security tags off of there so I can walk back out with it I'll bring it in I look this will you just will you just take all your security tags off of there so I can walk back out with it I'll bring it in I look less dodgy that's

you should actually bring it in even though I'm you looking shit I'm the better thief but yes I will take that back for you

that's it for this week that was chaotic oh we never spoke we'll speak about it next week there's loads of stuff that I'd written that I wanted to talk about, but we just started talking about other stuff,

which sometimes happens on this pod. It happens. Catch it on the bonus. Catch it on the bonus. The bonus is going to be three hours long. Get ready. Have a lovely weekend and we shall talk to you next Wednesday.

Say goodbye then. See you later. say goodbye later