My Therapist Ghosted Me - Red Flags, Goody Bags & Why Joanne Was Ghosted

Episode Date: April 2, 2021

This is it! Episode 1 and the full explanation of why and how Joanne's therapist ghosted her. That's not all though... There's a full Twitter meltdown, a disagreement about virtual gigs and the first ever collection of "dick moves" too!Subscribe, enjoy and leave a review!If you'd like to get in touch, you can send an email to [e-mail]

Welcome to My Therapist Ghosted Me with me, Bo Williams, and my dear friend, you'd know an English person wrote that, dear friend and colleague, okay Jo, Joanne McNally. It's a podcast that works, well we don't know if it works yet, but it should work on the basis of sharing your innermost thoughts with as many people as you possibly can to make you feel better and not worse and not weird. Yeah, because we will tell you all the weird stuff we do, which will make you feel less weird.

And in the coming weeks, we're going to share all sorts of thoughts, problems, issues, memories and stories. And we're going to ask you to do the same. The chances are we're going to find out that we all think in a similar way. We all get annoyed about the same things and we all have to ask you to do the same. The chances are we're going to find out that we all think in a similar way. We all get annoyed about the same things and we all have the same regrets.

Either that or we'll have made some very embarrassing admissions when no one even asked us to. Right, Joanne segment one opening chat forward slash so fluid

yeah Jo has his he's trying to get Jo's our producer by the way not Joanne Joanne doesn't like being called Joanna or Jo no

I'm very firm on the Joanne-ness of the situation not Jo never you were never a Jo well the only problem is there's so many Joes in comedy.

And Joe is even... Like Joe who? Joe Brand? Joe Brand. Joe Swash. Is he not kind of funny? No. I don't know.

It just feels like it's not... At least Joanne is a bit more stage name. Like Joe. Like no one remembers a Joe. This Joe, I didn't remember we'd met.

I remembered meeting the Joe. Joe, you're going to have to say things. Thank you. Cheers for that. Thank you very much. Yeah. It's just a bit of a blah. name like joe like no one remembers a joe this joe i didn't remember we'd met i remembered me you're gonna have to say things for that thank you very much yeah it's just a bit of a blah it's a bit blah joan at least joan has something more to it oh do you know what i find annoying about your name sorry coming from a woman called vogue sure hit me okay okay i'll tell you what it is every time i tag you in instagram it's too big for the writing and the Y goes on the bottom and then I have to make it smaller. Okay? Are you taking the piss?

That annoys me. That annoys me. I tag you quite often, obviously, because I'm like, oh, for fuck's sake. And I actually was going to tell you, I was going to say, would you not change your name? Do you know what annoys me?

Every time I tag you, the Instagram account dedicated to your mole tries to interact with me and I don't know if I should block it or not. I don't even get, that mole account doesn't really go for me. No,

it's not going for me either but I'm just uncomfortable with it because it's just many photos of your mole up close and it's called Vogue's mole

and he only follows one person and it's you. I don't even know, he must have alerts set up for you or something. That's so weird. It's like your man

have you ever had your turned up on there's this lad who films there's a whole YouTube channel of women wearing

pleather pants on Irish telly have you not been on it I'm sure you've been on it I love a bit of pleather I do but there's also a really funny

Instagram account that I started following it's a bit called Ugly Irish Houses have you seen it no it's Lloyd Griffith who's actually an English comic put me I started following it's a bit called Ugly Irish Houses have you seen it? no it's Lloyd Griffith who's actually an English comic

put me onto it but it's gross but hysterical and like it's there's a house in Derry with like a corner bath but like in the middle

like they're using it like a stand alone bath oh my god it's got a lot of it's private Crimes Against Design Ireland's Middle Finger to the Aesthetics

this is I want to join. I'm sure if you ask to join. Okay, I'm joining. I've requested. I want to see these gaffes. They're hideous. There's nothing. Now, I'll be honest with you. Imagine maybe a block from it because your gaffe is on it. My gaffe? I swear to God, I wasn't. I'm not just.

Have you seen a picture of my house in Ireland? Yeah. Right. It is so, it's gorgeous inside. The outside is so rotten. I used to walk by that house for a year and it was up for sale for a year because everyone was probably the same as me. And they were like, that looks rotten and didn't want to go in. And it's, it's just so ugly from the outside. And it's painted like this pissy yellow color. But then I went in and I was like, actually, I love it. And if you're going to live there, you're not looking at the outside

that much because you're always in there. This sounds like literally you falling in love with Spencer. I know. We were actually only talking about that last time. About the, like, how I fell in love with him on the jump. He used to have, right, and I don't like snot. Only since I've had kids, I don't mind snot. He

had so much snot. Always, always. He'd be coming down the ski slope and he'd just end up at the end and there'd be like snot running through his beard and stuff. He was actually disgusting. And then he only figured out that he was allowed to wash his ski suit

about a month into it. Like, I was like, you can send it down because it reeked of BO. That is kind of, like, I wouldn't find that attractive. I didn't. I don't mean,

he's not the colour of piss. Just sometimes the tan, like, there is a bit of a urine glow of him let's be real I'm just going to be real we said we were going to be real

we both have a yellow skin tone and you look quite yellow from where I'm sitting too well if I lived half my life in the tropics like you did I'd have a yellow skin tone too excuse me fortunately I live in Clapham Clapham's lovely half my life in the tropics like you did I'd have a yellow skin tone too unfortunately

I live in Clapham Clapham is lovely if I was married an aristocrat I'd be swinging out of St. Bart's six months a year as well

I read in the papers what similar lives we lead we do actually what do I do that's very different to you you're married

with two kids and you go to St. Bart's. Okay, fine. My son, Theodore, loves saying Joanne's name. Joanne! Joanne!

Who, the child? Theodore, yeah. I love him. He's so cute. He does love you. I'm into ugly aces. They've accepted me. It's got Junaid O'Connor's

face on it. It's disgusting. Oh, love. Joanne, I'm so glad. It's got Sinead O'Connor's eyes on it. It's disgusting. Oh, love. Joanne, I'm so glad. It's very funny. Why is the podcast called My Therapist Ghosted Me, Joanne?

My Therapist Ghosted Me. That's basically the story there. And I'm so disappointed because he was great. He was quite cheap because I tried to go to the guy that

Spenno went to. Oh God, he was very expensive. And I was like, fucking hell. I know. Anyway, do you know when you're like willing to spend 200 quid

on a pair of shoes but you won't spend 60 quid on your actual mental mental peace and well-being. You're like, but you know, it would cost you more to get the dishwasher fixed.

Anyway, so he sent me out to this cheaper man out in Notting Hill who I loved. He was kind of old, like he was an ex-addict. He was like quite hippy-dippy,

a lot of incense. Like we hug when we go in and he was, everyone, I told him all the people I hated and he was like, wish them love and light, wish them love and light.

Oh no, I'd be out the door. No, I really took to it and he was one therapist, honestly, that I've really liked I kind of go through therapists quite quickly

because I won't change my habits so eventually they just get really bored and literally the one before him she was she was I could hear her

rolling her eyes do you know when someone's trying not to roll their eyes and the second one then he just stopped taking my calls now are you sure he's not dead no he's not

because I rang I blocked my I blocked my number and rang him. Stop! I just had to know. I was like, has he relapsed?

What's going on? No, he just doesn't want to work me out. Look, I don't know what happened to him. He's completely ghosted me. That's it. The relationship is over

and I have to accept that. And that's why our podcast is called My Therapist Ghosted Me. I went to my therapist there probably, I'd say, just before Christmas I went to see my therapist and he me. I went to my therapist there probably, I'd say just before Christmas,

I went to see my therapist. And he kind of just, because I hadn't seen him in years and I went in and I was like, listen, this is what I'm like. Basically, I went into him because I have no ability to sit down and calm

and relax and chill. And I was like, I have no chill and it's really like, it's getting on top of me. I just want to sit down and watch telly. It's really freaking me out.

I can't stop doing stuff and I feel really stressed out and I feel out I can't stop doing stuff and I feel really stressed out and I feel like I'm never going to be organized la la la and he was like well I hate to say but you were like this four years ago as well so that's just the type of person that you are so he basically told me that that's the way I was and there's something you can do about it do you remember the time that you gave me the number for a therapist and and you separately gave me a number for a chiropractor and then I messaged the chiropractor thinking it was the therapist and

booked it an appointment. No, you texted the therapist thinking it was the chiropractor because then he emailed me and he was like he texted me and he was like I think I've made a big mistake sorry I didn't realise I'm after letting slip that I'm your therapist and we're not allowed to do that. I was like it's grand so she rang the wrong one

you should go to him he's great. He's like you're welcome to come in what are the problems? And I was like I've got some lower back pain and I feel like it's grand so she she she rang the wrong one you should go to him he's great he's like you're welcome to come in what are the problems and I was like I've got some lower back pain and I feel like I'm my hips aren't aligned he was like I'm Vogue's therapist and then he felt so guilty he then had to text me so funny okay Joanne sorry we've already rambled on and Jo has only five minutes per topic. It's all written down in black and white. That's it. Right.

So we were going to talk about... Joanne is one of my best pals. And she's a comedian and I find her very funny. I'm really supportive. I love when she puts up her live videos and everything. And I found out Joanne was having... She was doing gigs online.

Live gigs. And she was practicing new material on people. And I asked, can I come to the gig? And she won't let me go to her gig. I don't allow Vogue tickets to my virtual gigs. And the reason I don't is because I know you and love you and I respect you and appreciate you. Cut the bullshit.

I want to come. You don't have the attention span, folk. Right, this is the perfect way to judge if your material is good or not. If I'm still there at the end, it's good. I've done Zoom business meetings with you where very important people are involved

and halfway through you just start, you disappear or you're breastfeeding a kid. Like, I don't want to be dealing with that on a Zoom gig. I'll mute my face. I won't do the video. Honestly, I've never wanted to go to something more.

When you're told you can't go to something, then I'm like, no, now I really want to go. Like, I couldn't wait to go to Joanne's gig. And I brought Spencer and I was like, Joanne's gas, this is going to be brilliant. And actually, it wasn't really a like,

hearty, hearty kind of gig that she does. It was more of a dark comedy kind of play, which was amazing. But I told Spenny it was all about like we were going to be laughing our arses off. He was quite shook after the whole thing. He didn't look me in the eye for about a month. So that was Bite Me, which was my first stage show, which is a dark comedy theatre piece about bulimia. Yeah, so I wasn't, it's not the place to go for a full-on laugh. And it was in the Vault Festival

so it was like really dark under the train tracks and it's just like. I thought it was brilliant though. Yeah, I liked that show. It made me think that you're way more intelligent than I thought you were.

It's like fucking hell, she wrote that. When I read your newspaper articles, I'm like, what? How does she know that word When I read your newspaper articles, I'm like, what? How does she know that word? I know. I know. I don't write like I talk.

I find it hard to find my words. You don't write like you look. Don't worry, I get that a lot too. Do you know what it is, right? When the show, when live comes back up and running, I just feel I'm so used to friends getting excited at the start because they're like, oh, you're good, good, good.

But then, they're not interested. Like, they get boring after a while and I don't want to stress. Like, those Zoom gigs that I'm doing at the moment called Locked Comedy. How many people

are allowed to go to them? I sell, I top it at 50 tickets a week. 50, 50 people before me. Anyone you know? Don't lie. I don't know. No, no, no, no, no, no.

None of my mates go they've long given up on watching me do stand-up they couldn't give a shit well i haven't no but that's because you weren't in ireland when i started so you didn't see the live stuff and then when i came over here sure everything was shut down after a year but when things open up i just rather save my friends for like the in-house physical gigs i do remember though jamie Lang was doing comedy, stand up in the comedy store. Fair play to him. And Spencer came to watch him. And he was like,

Spencer, I can't wait to see you. This is going to be great. And I was like, oh, thanks a mil. And second Jamie literally, I was on straight after Jamie. Second Jamie laughed. Jesus, Spencer couldn't

have legged it fast enough. There was steam coming off his Manolo Blahnik or whatever the fuck he wears on his feet. I was like, Spencer's out. Oh, okay. He never texted me going, sorry, I had to lag it.

Like, nothing. To be fair to Spencer, he doesn't like going out anymore. He was already out. All he had to do was sit in the same space for an extra nine minutes. Listen, I'm not going to make excuses for Spencer. He's a dick, right? We all know he's a dick. That's so

see I wouldn't do that to you no of course not and I'm glad you know what I'm glad he did that to you I'm glad that's what you get

yeah he's not coming to the fucking Zoom yeah you'd probably let him go absolute bitch

what's that bright yellow thing in that window oh I spent it I don't think he looks yellow he's got a he's got a yellowy

I mean look we all have a yellowy vibe he looks he looks like he doesn't look like he's quite tanned he likes to say he's African

but he did his mom's from Africa oh yeah but he did you know those heritage tests that you buy and he was

honestly he was like oh fuck this is going to be great I'm going to be African like thinking I'm going to be a Viking fully English nothing just English and that was

absolutely it we're going to take this up next week when I'm actually going to be invited to the gig you actually had told me that I could go and then you took it back and I'll turn off my video

you're more than welcome to come okay let's get into the topics fuck you that was a topic. Vogue knows my obsession with Alice Evans has been long documented. So Alice Evans, if you haven't heard, but I don't know who wouldn't have heard. Is she English or American?

English. Oh, surprised. And he's Welsh. Johan Gruffydd. I thought his name was Lone. No. My housemate Sophie's Welsh and I was like,

tell me how to pronounce this properly because it's like someone, Gerard Farrelly, who's one of my comedy Irish friends, and this English woman was trying to book him and she was like, I can't get through to Geroid.

And I couldn't get through to Geroid. I couldn't stop laughing. Anyway, so it's important to get the pronunciation when you can. I'm being respectful. Say it in Johan. Johan Groffat.

That's not bad. What's your name in Welsh? Johan. Johan Groffat. Anyway, so they're married 13 years, together 20. Oh, now the plot thickens. I didn't know that.

That's quite sad. And he has left her, right? Now, so Alice, your man wants, Johan wants to leave her, right? Grant, this happens all the time. The thing that made this story interesting was that Alice then took to Twitter and made this announcement to us. Like something,

it was kind of like we were owed an explanation even though it's really none of our business. So the tweet said, Sad news. My beloved husband's soulmate of 20 years, Johan Gruffydd, has announced he is to leave his family starting next week.

New paragraph. You mean our young daughters, girls, are very confused and sad. We haven't been given a reason except that he no longer loves me. I'm so sorry. And then all this madness started

where he was going into her account, deleting them. Basically, she took all her pain, all her anger, all her confusion to Twitter and started tweeting very publicly about the breakdown of her marriage.

So then one guy wrote back. Joanne loves this story. She's literally like she's researched it. Someone, sorry, there was a tweet, someone wrote underneath saying this seems like a weird thing to share to Twitter and she wrote back, really? I've lost my mind. And I, my heart went out to someone because I was like, the honesty of it. I was reading this article

and they were talking about like the etiquette of when you break up with someone and what not to do online. I was like, when you've broken up with someone, you're not thinking about etiquette or you're not thinking about rational safe thoughts. I've turned up to men's houses twice. I think at the moment, the way things are going, we've gone from people just sharing

like a lunch platter and a day at the beach on Instagram to now every single thing. And where's the line? There's no line anymore. I know, but you know, there has to be a line though. Like we all go bonkers

when we break up somebody. Stalk them on like social, everything like that. You can't help yourself. You dig deep. Basically, she wanted to recruit us as kind of a virtual jury that would be on her side.

So she was going for this immediate kind of, she needed the validation. She wanted our sympathy. She was completely confused. And you know, we're both big Instagram users. There's a lot of validation in Instagram. Do you know what I mean?

And you have people kind of really liking you and telling you all these positive things. And that's obviously what she needed. She's since come out and said that she's no parents in America. They live in America. It's just her. You know, she's been raising her kids. I don't think she's really working anymore. She's 47?

No, she looks great. She looks great. Although, I think the papers are now doing that dick thing that they did to Lisa Armstrong, where they seem to be just posting very un... Attractive pictures of her. Yes. I hate that.

And saying nice things, so then everyone's like actually that's she doesn't look like that it's so shady and I know that there's the Daily Mail do it all the time

they've done they did it to Lena Dunham once they posted this really awful photo like it was undisputably a very bad photo

and they were like Lena Dunham stuns and they're opening it up to troll these women yeah but they want the abuse. Yeah, and Alice has even said herself, she's like,

my self-esteem is on the ground. Oh, God. Do you know what? My heart has broken for her. I know. But stop, Joanne. Like, come on. I'm on her side.

I'm team Alice. What's the most crazy you've done when you broke up with somebody? Turned up to their house. I don't even think that's that bad. I've done loads of stalking stuff. You're like, what's the last thing your boyfriend said to me? Honestly, he's like, I'm going even think that's that bad. I've done loads of stalking stuff. You're like, what's the last thing your boyfriend said to me? Honestly, he's like, I'm going to call the guards.

I love you! Anna, but you get... We made our peace. I can understand, I can understand, like, why she's doing that. Because when you get dumped, especially, it's like you just go into this, like, nobody else exists in the whole world. Even if it's the worst relationship ever,

you're desperate to get back with them for a certain amount of time. Now, when I look back on certain relationships, I'm just like, oh, God, thank God that didn't work out. Whereas before, you'd be devil. Devil. Like, the first lad's house that I turned up to. Was this the one who was going to call the first lad's house that I turned up to. Was this the one who was going to call the guards? No, that was the second one.

Is that, this is the one that his mom was there or something? Yeah. Oh God. And I was honestly, I was so, I don't really take heartbreak well. I have noticed that, yes.

Yeah. Yeah. Folks witness that. I really crumble and I go a bit hysterical. I go a bit mad. I do. And I, you know, I've read articles about it. But we all do. You just can bit hysterical. I go a bit mad. I do. And, you know, I've read articles about it.

But we all do. You just can't hide it. I don't know. I think, I mean, I'm not trying to make out that I'm madder than anyone else, but I do seem to suffer a lot. It does seem to really knock me for six. Why do you think it is? Because you just don't see it coming.

No, I mean, that's the interesting thing about this Alice thing. That she's, everything she says now, she's saying she was completely blindsided. She didn't see it. But that's why I wanted to talk about it because I was thinking, even going back to her Instagram, to me, as a punter, it's obvious there was something wrong. Oh, no. I know. So when she's saying she didn't see it, it's like she's ignoring all these red flags.

And that's why I was like, oh, red flags, it's so interesting. Because to people on the outside, they're so obvious. But when you're in it, especially with someone like me, you're like, oh my God, look, it's bunting. And you're literally running towards them.

So I did this shout out on my Insta for people. Like, what red flags have you really ignored? Because I was reading this article and it was Alice had done this photo of where she'd done, she said, oh, just spent 40 minutes

doing my makeup for a Zoom call he didn't bother to turn up to. Oh, was that before they broke up? Yeah. No.

Now, 40 minutes doing your makeup for your husband for 20 years on a Zoom. So you're obviously, she's obviously feeling like he's going to leave her.

So all the signs were there, but she just, you see what you want to see. It's confirmation bias like we're all just hiccup shit when it comes to this stuff but anyway so I was like what Fred Flagg do you know that moment where in a relationship where you realise

you're not in love with them anymore or the moment you realise they're not in love with you anymore and it's like uh oh so small things like oh when I was treated to a night away in the Jackson Court Hotel, aka Coppers. Now, this is a regional reference,

but Coppers is, I don't even know how you describe it. Basically, this hotel is basically a hostel. It is a hostel. At 40 quid per night. That was the treat, right? Then this one, I always thought he was a penny pincher,

but the highlight was when he asked me while we were walking through Tesco to buy him back a jar of passata I used while I was cooking us dinner unfortunately it was not a joke oh my god

red flag alert this is a different one when he left me in the airport with a pint of water and bought himself a drink I went out with the lad who did that to me before who?

I'm not gonna oh my god he'd go and order himself a pint and he'd come back and I'd be like em no

yeah some people are just that's one of my worst traits in people being mean Oh my God. He'd go and order himself a pint and he'd come back and I'd be like, um, yeah. No. Yeah, yeah. Some people are just, that's one of my worst traits in people being mean and cheap. Yeah. Especially people that you know

have money as well and they're like, they don't, they just don't want to part with it. I don't think he was being cheap. I genuinely just think he didn't think enough about me to consider me

and part of the round for him. He just was like, I'm a one man show. That's bizarre. How long after that did you dump him? He dumped me, obviously. I was like, I love him.

When he booked a solo holiday for a trip, we had talked about begun planning together. When we make plans and he's like, this is my friend Julie, when we make plans and he's like, I'm not really up for driving on the motorway. Now what this one was, I remember her seeing this lad

and they'd made plans. And he would have to drive on the motorway to pick her up for like 20, 30 minutes. And she's like, so we're meeting up later. He goes, ugh, it's just the motorway. It's a lot.

I'm not really up for driving. Ugh, fuck that. Then when she was breaking up with him, she referenced that guy. I just don't think you're that into me. Like you didn't want to get on the motorway. At least she dumped him. What did he say then?

He was like, oh yeah. He hadn't really considered it. I went out with somebody and they asked me a question. Like, I think we were like four months into dating, five months into dating. And he asked me a question

and I was so shocked that he had asked me a question because we weren't talking about him that I was like, oh my God. And I'd like to say I dumped him but I did not because I was

fascinated by him and then I got ghosted I think I know who that is yeah you do yeah I stuck in there got my one question couldn't get enough

well one of my red flags in one of my relationships was I never saw the front of his phone it was face down for five years

oh what a sneak out yeah little snake slithery I never saw the front of his phone. It was face down for five years. Oh, what a sneak out. Yeah, little snake, slithery snake. Spenny's phone's so boring, I wouldn't even bother. Do you know Spenny went out with somebody and like, because when he'd be asleep, probably in his drinking days,

she would get his thumb and put it on his phone and when they broke up, she had blocked like hundreds of girls. Imagine though. There was a woman on a plane once and her husband fell asleep and she used his finger to unlock his phone and they had to turn the plane around

because she found out he was having an affair and she went ballistic. And they had to turn the plane around. You go to jail for that. You'd be trying to throw him out the window. Jesus, you would. I'd be opening that door. I'm scared of that door in the plane,. You go to jail for that. You'd be trying to throw him out the window. Jesus, you would. I'd be opening that door. I'm scared of that door

in the plane, by the way. Who says, like, anyone can go and open that. I'm left there unattended sometimes. There's a red ribbon across the front,

which is a clear indication, don't open the door. I know, but someone, if they say, oh, do you know what, fuck it, I'm going to open the door, what can everyone do? Get sucked out of the plane.

I've never even considered opening the door. Oh, I have, because sometimes when I'm trying to get one of the kids to sleep on the plane, I'm standing by that door and I'm going to open the door. What can everyone do? Get sucked out of the plane. I've never even considered opening the door. Oh, I have. Because sometimes when I'm trying to get one of the kids to sleep on the plane, I'm standing by that door and I'm like, this door is unattended for a long period of time. Anyone could go and do it.

Does it not have a code on it or something? I don't think so. I think... God, I miss flying. Me too. The day drinking. I don't want to be on a... No, I never drink on a flight, no.

On the teeny tiny bot. That's why I fly. I only... Do you know what? Once I got stopped drinking on the plane, I'd drink on a flight, no. On the teeny tiny bottle. That's why I fly. I only, do you know what? Once I got stopped drinking on a plane, I'd only had three drinks. The airport is the only acceptable place that you can have pint and a porridge at 6am

and no one can say a word to you. Like, do you remember all the, do you know one of the saddest things about the lockdown? All those little gins that aren't getting boomeranged at 7am by 30 girls with wheelie suitcases and curlers in their hair. I'm like, maybe that's how the gin works. It has to be boomeranged to 7am by 30 girls with wheelie suitcases and curlers in their hair. I'm like, maybe that's how the gin works. It has to be boomeranged

to activate the alcohol. I'm trying to think about my relationships, but I can't edit the last two dumpings. God, I haven't dumped anyone in years. I hate dumping people. Fucking a lot better than being on this side of it, I can tell you. I've changed my mind

I was going to talk about being judged by our fitness watches but I think I want to talk about goodie bags. You gave me a goodie bag once full of half empty cosmetics for my birthday. Excuse me Joanne.

I give you free cosmetics. I have bags of that stuff. That's it. You're banned. There's no more freebies for you. She's like Joanne here's a sandwich bag full of shit that I don't want

happy birthday love it's good shit I just can't use it all oh my god you fucking bitch I still use the facial oil excuse me I got you

a tie-dye track suit for your birthday you have one as well we should wear them I think we should do a shoot and wear the same clothes oh yeah 100%

what will we wear a jump suit a boiler suit Joanne told me the other day we wear a jump suit. I know kids. A boiler suit. Joanne told me the other day we love wearing jump suits and she told me

the other day that we were too old for them and I've only just got like seven sitting in my wardrobe. I feel for me that a female comic

in a jump suit is just a bit hack. That's not the way you said it. You said we were too old for jump suits. Yeah. And you borrowed

an orange jump suit. And then I wore it anyway. Oh sorry. So go on. Goody bags? Oh yeah. So goody bags. The Grammys right? the way you said it you said we were too old for jumpsuits yeah and you borrowed an orange jumpsuit and then I wore it anyway yeah oh sorry so go on goodie bags oh yeah so goodie bags the Grammys right

would you like a goodie bag from the Grammys yeah I'd say they've got like a house in them and stuff that's what I thought five grand's worth of stuff

five thousand dollars is that all I'm actually surprised I know once upon a bloom's change maker village children's book that's one thing

pumpkin and peanut butter handmade dog cookies. Oh, shit. A luxury tea essentials from Cup of Tay. 3D printed sustainable trainers. A ceramic usable cup.

A jar of toasted coconut roasted cashews. What? I know they're fancy though. Where would you ever buy them? Where would you find them? You can get cashews in Tesco. There's crisps.? I know they're fancy though. Where would you ever buy them? Where would you find them? You can get cashews in Tesco. There's crisps.

Yeah, but they're not coconut toasted cashews. I'd be bitterly disappointed if I got that goodie bag. I wouldn't even take it home. I'd have a root, a snoop, and I'd leave it under my seat.

I'd take the cashews. The original goodie bags were party bags. Do you remember what your party is, kids? Oh, well, yeah, you have to do that I did a party bag for tea

yeah little rice crispy buns and stuff which actually sounds like more crack than that bag of shit that bag of absolute crap

I'll give you one for my sixth birthday that'll be grand it's always we get actually do you know we get a really good goodie bag

for the Ivy Gardens comedy festival it's sponsored by Vodafone they give us loads of like cool tech stuff and speakers and all stuff yeah on a phone and a journal all. Stuff. Yeah. On a phone?

And a journal. All the acts get like this cool journal with your name kind of like melted into it. What do they do with names? What's the shittest thing you've gotten? Embossed. Not the shittest. Because it's not nice to say shit about a gift. What's the weirdest thing you've gotten? I don't really get like presents.

I'm not really a present giver. I like giving flowers. I don't know. Fuck that. I hate when people give me flowers. What? I don't really get like presents. I'm not really a present giver. I like giving flowers. Oh no, fuck that. I hate when people give me flowers. What? I've given you flowers. I know.

Yeah, I just don't. I give you flowers and you give me a sandwich bag full of half-eaten cosmetics. And we're like, I love it. Thanks, babe.

We leave the house with our fur. Fuck. Do you know when I went off flowers I went off flowers when I had Theodore because so many people

sent flowers it's just so much hassle I then have to arrange them in a vase then you have to change the water like a fish then I have to

clear them out and they go everywhere when I go and put them in the bin and they are going to die and I'm waiting for them to die and I feel like I'm just like I them in the bin and they are going to die and I'm waiting for them to die and I feel like I'm just like,

I'll just die already because they just sit there withering away and then I have to clear them up. What would be your ideal present? A restaurant feature, I always think it's a great present. Yeah, that is a good present.

I like a nice lip balm. I'm so behind on wedding presents. Who do you owe a wedding present to? Oh God, I think the year is like, the real is you get a year. I'll always know if I haven't got a wedding present to? Oh God, I think the year is like, the real is you get a year. I'll always know if I haven't got a wedding present because I get a thank you card

saying thank you for your presents, but like physical presents. And I go, oh fuck. I didn't, I didn't send, yeah, I don't send thank you cards.

I really want to get into that. It's kind of like a mature adult. I'm surprised you don't. I know, it's too much. It seems very up your alley. No, no,

I did buy myself an address book and I've written addresses down in it but I have not done anything with those addresses yet yet I'm not writing Christmas cards

I'm not getting into that I don't want to because it's bad for the environment yeah that's why I don't want to do it I write thank you notes Benny's parents love

like okay so Christmas Benny's mom gives us all a present and we give her a present and then literally on the 26th of December, like my little brother was with us,

everything like that, she's written everyone a thank you note and a long note talking about the gift and why she likes it. She's just, she's so on it with that. And they love getting a thank you note as well.

But like, I just send an email now. I remember when we were kids and my mom was trying to teach me about like, I guess manners and money and all that kind of stuff that I never learnt and she brought me in from I was out in the road

playing. Do you remember when you were kids you'd just be sent out in the road for the day? Yeah I loved that. Yeah you'd just be out in the road for the whole day and if you even tried to come into the house you'd be like get out! And she came in and the neighbour, one of the neighbours had sent a Christmas card but it was her Christmas card

from the previous year that they'd cut up the middle and used the front and just punched a little hole in the corner and put a little ribbon in it and then written the message on the inside

of the front cover but right and she was like the state of that and I understood her anger at the time because it was the 80s but now

that'd be seen as sustainable environmentally friendly that's quite a nice idea yeah but at the time because it was the 80s. But now, that'd be seen as sustainable, environmentally friendly. That's quite a nice idea. Yeah, but at the time, at the time, it was just pure tightness. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But now, tightness is cool. Yeah, you need to be sustainable. It's cool to be tight. That's why I'm going to keep wearing that neon pink jumpsuit to everything. And if anyone gives me shit about it, I'll be like,

excuse me, I'm basically the Greta Gunnberg of fashion. Thunberg? The tiny David Attenborough, whatever her name is. When you said about playing outside, I was only speaking about this yesterday. Theodore, like, he has a schedule.

Like, he has, he goes to swimming, he's got little kickers football, he's got this thing called play ball, he's got, he usually goes to monkey music. Like, I never had any of that shit when I was younger and none of my friends at home their kids don't go

to stuff like that it's such a thing for over here that your kids go to all these classes and they're fucking expensive I went to classes did you?

yeah I went to a lot of stuff yeah I think it's because I was adopted and my parents were trying to figure out what I could actually do they're like maybe

she's some sort of Beethoven yeah but you were adopted when you were what six months I know but they were like my mum's like maybe you had a but you were adopted when you were what six months I know but they were like my mum's like maybe you had a talent that we didn't

turns out I had no talent well your talent is being a comic oh yeah then they found out they'd adopted a show pony and they're like oh Jesus Christ

what are we gonna do now I'm like this and I'll come out but they had me in electric keyboard lessons ballet swimming drama scouts I was in scouts for years but they had me in electric keyboard lessons ballet swimming drama

scouts I was in scouts for years I never did I was the third child though and my parents were just about to break up when I was born I came along

there's not many there's not much photographic evidence of me as a child I don't remember much from my childhood it definitely wasn't sent to any

like classes my auntie taught me how to swim god I was neglected you didn't get any classes no yeah I mean

when I was 17 I went to dance school in in town I thought it was deadly yeah was it hip hop I remember we did yeah hip hop and funk

that was when TLC were huge did I tell you that I used to think no scrubs was no shrubs did I tell you that no I don't want

no shrubs and I used to think no scrubs was no shrubs did I tell you that no I don't want no shrubs and I used to think Shakespeare's sisters were legitimately related oh god I so think that's such a tune what is that one stay with me

oh yeah midnight at the oasis I thought that was who oasis were what's that one my lover's got no money he's got his I used to think it was My lover's got no money He's got his I used to think it was

My lover's got no money He's got his trombolese What's a trombolese? It's his strong beliefs He's got his trombolese Yeah, it's strong beliefs Yeah, I think I knew that But I do see where you're going with that

I just hung up my mom Oops Good, good Get that bitch, Sandra I just hung up my mom. Whoops. Good, good. Get that bitch, Sandra. Now, this podcast isn't going to work unless you are also the listener doing your bit. So me and Vogue can't sit here admitting everything if you're not going to do a little bit of the same in return.

And it always makes you feel better to get something off your chest. So we're looking for dick move of the week. You know when someone just like does something and you're just like, what a dick move. Yeah, that's what we're looking for. Right, Joanne, you read the first one. First one is from Lacey. When my son started school last year, I sort of made friends with another woman at the gates, isn't there? I'm not looking forward to that, to be honest. I can't really be honest. I feel like I've got my full list of friends that I'll ever need in life.

I don't... John's making a mess. Jesus fucking Christ. We're still dealing in paper. Oh, my fear's done. It's a shit show you're running here. It is always paper. There should be like a minority report screen behind me

where I can just like move questions around. Oh, yeah. Look, I don't know anything about schools or moms. I just know that it's hard and that I love that Sharon Horgan show. Motherland. Brilliant. I feel like there's always though something at the school gates at moms and like parents can be like

I mean you can't be quite judgmental of the way other people parent and not that you'd say it to their face but this woman's obviously pretty gel or something. Like I feel like I'm gonna I know I'm gonna make friends with Theatres friends moms pretty gel or something. Like I feel like I'm gonna I know I'm gonna make friends with Theodore's friends moms and stuff like that

but I do feel like I've got my I feel like do you ever feel like I've got lots of friends that I like but not too many. I have enough friends

that I can keep in contact with them but I don't think I want anymore. I'm not in the market for more friends. I don't want anymore. Is that mean?

No. I know two girls at the moment who hate each other who are really trying to make it work because one of them's like I just don't have the time Is that mean? No, I know two girls at the moment who hate each other, who are really trying to make it work. One of them's like, I just don't have the time to make any new friends.

No, couldn't be arsed. Yeah, and she's like, I have to make this work with her. I have to, I just, I'm not, she's got kids. She's like, I'm not in a position to go out and make new friends. No, couldn't be arsed.

I'm actually, one nice thing about being childless and single, one nice thing about being childless and single one nice thing apart from the relentless masturbation no i'm joking um is that i do have time to make new friends so i am still at i'm i'm still at the receiving of the new friend stage of my life, which is nice, actually. Oh, fuck that. I have time to make new friends.

I don't want to. I was trying to put it a nice way. I don't want to make any new friends. That's so complimentary to your friends, how you're so satisfied. I'm so satisfied with my friends. You also have a very attentive husband and two gorgeous kids.

They're like your grads. I'm grad, yeah. I never have any free time. Like if I didn't have friends on a Sunday, I would probably have thrown myself out the skylight at this stage. Yeah, you need pals,

especially on a Sunday. Okay, Michelle. Since I've only been able to exercise in outside spaces because my flat is tiny, I've been doing workouts in the park. Quite a few times now,

I've come across a fella doing the same thing. Last time I was there, I was certain he was copying each exercise I was doing, but was certain he was copying each exercise I was doing, but making sure he did it for longer than I did. I even started mixing it up to see if he followed.

And he did! Complete dick move. I hear that shit. You know when someone tries to runs past you in the park and I'm like I know they're just getting glory out of, oh look, I'm passing out this absolute tortoise. I mean, that wouldn't bother me. I don't want people trying to out-exercise me.

It's annoying. Who the fuck could out-exercise you? Spencer does. You're practically an Olympian. It's so embarrassing. Sometimes I wake up in the morning and I just watch your workouts on the live while I'm in my bed lying in my own filth.

And I'm like, that feels like I've done something. Yeah, Joanne feels like she does something because she walks around with her leg weights. Like, is there anywhere you don't go when you have them on? No, I'll wear those leg weights. I have two two kilo leg weights, which, and then I over, I over egged the pudding as it were and bought two five kilo leg weights. Oh, too much. Which I can't, I just put them on and it's like, do you know, I love a bit of true crime and

I always fathom it. I don't want to fall into I'm so scared of death, I really don't want to fall in with leg weights on. Do you know that a Rolex if someone's murdered with a Rolex on them the Rolex helps pinpoint when they're a murder because if your blood isn't pumping

the Rolex stops working. That's bullshit. I'm strung out on the crime tunnels. No, that's not true. It acts. I think this is a nice example of how different our lives are. I'm like, well, my swatch doesn't work in the pill. I used to love a swatch.

I used to collect them. Remember when you were younger? Do you remember the giant swatch watch clock? Oh, God, so good. I had a swatch with an octopus. Okay, number three from Amanda. My sister is the master of the dick move. Recently for Mother's Day,

she called me and asked what I was getting. Mum, I said I just got a card and ordered some flowers to be delivered. Mother's Day came round, I spoke to Mum on the phone and asked her what my sister got her. She'd sent a card, flowers, and bought Mum some earrings.

She does this every fucking time. Amanda's raging because she got a shy gift I always outgift my brother and sister I do I don't because I don't want my brother

like my brother's kind of really upped his game recently but like he's a lad he wouldn't have been very blessed in the present buying department for my mother

so I wouldn't want to up I wouldn't want it's more so about you have to be thoughtful so I'm more thoughtful in my gifts rather than spending a shitload of money

if you get something really thoughtful then they love'm more thoughtful in my gifts rather than spending a shitload of money. If you get something really thoughtful, then they love that and I love doing that for people. Yeah, I bought my mum a printer once for Christmas and she cried

for like two days. That's a good gift. You wanted a bloody printer. She cried of sadness. She cried because she was like, do you know me at all? Do you love me?

She was so sad about it. I thought she'd like the printer. It's like when people are like, oh, he bought me a fucking Dyson Hoover. I thought she'd like the printer it's like when people are like oh he bought me a fucking Dyson Hoover I'd love it someone bought me

a Dyson Hoover I'd love a Dyson one of my biggest regrets in life except for not having children was not going to a Dyson event because I assumed

it was the Hoover and it was the fucking hairdryer which are worth about 60 grand oh they're really good honest to god they blow your hair and like play music and kind of wank you off gently yeah they do which are worth about 60 grand. Oh, they're really good. Honest to God.

They blow your hair and like play music and kind of wank you off gently. Yeah, they do. Oh my God. You know what though? You ever get invited to go to the Dyson event, they'll give you something. It was a huge faux pas on my part. Oh man, I'd be raging.

Okay, out of those three moves, which do you think is the dick move of the week? I'm going to say the exercising one. I'll go with that. Yeah. Okay, Michelle, you're dead right. That guy's a complete dick. And the next time you see him, tell him he's a dick. We should be handing out golden dicks. Michelle, you win

the golden dick. We should be handing out golden dicks. Yeah. Or like a cup with a dick on it. Something. A bit of merch. Can we get any golden dicks? I'll look into it. Okay. That'll be good. We'll send you a golden dick. Very good. Okay, well that's all

for this podcast, Joanne. If you want to share all the weird stuff that's going on in your head or if you've got a dick move to share, why not send us an email? Hello at mtgmpod.com Also, if you like the show,

please subscribe and leave a lovely five-star review. Also, if you like the show, please subscribe and leave a lovely five star review. Also, I'm doing a lot of virtual gigs that anyone is welcome to attend. And me?

And me? No. You can get tickets on my Insta stories because I'm very organised. I do have a website, but sure. I'm going to get a ticket.

How do you know it's me? Because I'll see your email address. No, I'll put it. I'm going to do a space. Of course you can come. Of course'll see your email address no I'll put it I'm going to do a fake of course you can come of course you can come okay I'm on

at Jemima McNally Comedy on Instagram bye see you later Thank you.