My Therapist Ghosted Me - Riders & Riding

Episode Date: May 28, 2021

It's no overstatement to say that Joanne has BIG news. Suffice to say it's been a good week. Meanwhile, Vogue is looking at riders and imagining what she might like to ask for in the future. Plus - your questions answered after Vogue gave you permission to "ask us anything"! Subscribe, enjoy and leave a review!If you'd like to get in touch, you can send an email to [e-mail] more information about Joanne's gigs, just visit www.joannemcnally.com

Welcome to My Therapist Ghosted Me with me, Vogue Williams, and Joanne McNally. It's the podcast that works on the basis of saying something, wishing you hadn't said it, worrying what people will think before accepting that it's already been said, so there's really nothing you can do about it. Oh, I hate feeling like that, which is a regular occurrence. I know. On this week's episode, we have dogs, riders and riding. I went for a roast yesterday with Spenny's parents.

Couldn't wait. Go on. Looking at this place, right in the corner from me. Never in my entire life have I had such a shite roast. And a couple of people mailed me. Those ones I did get back to.

They're like, oh my God, I'm so jealous. I was like, don't be. It was the worst roast. How'd you fuck up a roast? How do you fuck up a roast? Joanne can make a roast. I can make a roast, yeah. But you don't have to do anything.

You just bang a chicken in an oven and then walk away and then you come back and the chicken's done. I can make a roast, yeah. But you don't have to do anything. You just bang a chicken in an oven and then walk away and then you come back and the chicken's done. I know, I know. But like, the beef was like, the beef,

the beef was like eating a flip-flop. Ugh. And I ate it all anyway because I was starving. But even the carrots. You're a little trooper, Vogue. You're a little trooper.

I'm not. I had to start doing that to Theodore this morning. I was giving him his porridge and he wouldn't eat it. He's like, yuck. That's all he says now. Yuck.

And he slaps. He started to beat me. And That's all he says now. Yuck. And he slaps. He started to beat me. And Joanne. He says Joanne a lot. Joanne. He says it like that. But he wouldn't eat his porridge. And I started telling him about the starving children around the world.

Oh my God, you're that parent. Yeah, still didn't give a shit. Wouldn't eat the porridge. So I had a standoff about a donut yesterday as well. I let him have a donut, this huge donut, like the size of his head. And he can have one once a week. And I was like, you can eat half

and now after your nap you get the other half because he stopped taking his nap and I'm really trying to prolong it. Didn't nap and actually I stood by my guns, didn't give him the other half of the donut yesterday.

That'll teach him. That'll teach him. You won't even remember. I've learned the trick with Theodore is, so Vogue has a jar of jellies and stuff down in that microwave that she calls a basement that I have to sit in

and sweat profusely in. And I take Vogue's own sweets and then give it to Theodore like I've brought them for him. I'm like the cool aunt. I don't even have to spend any money on him. I'm giving him his own stuff

back to him but he's too stupid to realise. He is. You can take his toys away from him, give them back like a month later and it's a new toy. I love that you'll admit that you're, not your kids are stupid,

but the kids are stupid. Like, it's so rare that you get a parent who'll go, yeah, he's not the smartest for his age. I'm not saying Theodore's not smart for his age. I don't know what age he is. I can't tell. He's nearly three.

He could be 12 for all I know. He's nearly three. He's very smart for his age. Oh God. And as we spoke about, as we spoke about poor as we spoke about, poor Gigi. Oh, it's Gigi.

You think she's not really at the races yet? She's not at the races. She's still sitting there like a big lump. Everyone just brings her stuff though. She's like queen of the castle.

Everyone comes in. You're the same. Everyone comes in and is like Gigi. I know. She's like, I'm not moving for anybody. I'm just going to sit here

like a little fat lump. But she's so stunning. She's just like, so cute. Yeah, she's so stunning she's just like so cute yeah she's so cute eat her I'd love to have her skin do you want to say that

look at Gigi's skin I'd love to spread her out in a cracker I'd love Gigi's face that collagen that collagen so plump so plump

I'm going for what's it called a super duper matrix facial it's called like the transformer the propylo the propylo oh sorry I thought you meant that other facial oh It's called like the transformer or something. The propylo, the propylo.

Oh, sorry. I thought you meant that other facial. Oh, the Morpheus. The Morpheus. We're going for that. That girl's hooking us up. Great, yeah. We've met a new skin girl

and we're going to be... But I always look at you, look at your skin. It's glowing right now. Do you have highlighter all over your face? It should. I've that iconic shit that you gave me that I spray on my face in the morning now.

And I shouldn't be because I did have a couple of wines yesterday John you were also hungover on yesterday I had a big weekend yeah

now that things are open again it's like being in Irish college I'm just running around drinking everything and scoring everything I can see oh go on go on

tell us so basically I hooked up with a child at the weekend I'm not going to say what age she was because frankly, I don't know. Vogue.

Thanks. He's 24. Yeah, 24. So basically, I shagged a snowflake. And I'm telling you. Was he woke? The cultural differences. Yeah.

Totally. He's told me he was a polyamorous pansexual vegan. And he's like, what are you? And I was like, totally. He's told me he was a polyamorous pansexual vegan. And he's like, what are you? And I was like, drunk. Get in the car. He had more labels than TK Maxx. I couldn't keep up. I was like, by the time you finish telling me what you identify with,

I'm going to be sober again and this isn't going to happen. So just stop talking. But honestly, that generation was all condoms and consent. Just stuff I'm not used to really. There was condoms all over the room the next day not because we'd have sex because i've forgotten how to work them and with these nails there i was like trying to build balloon animals i was like they were snapping gross does he not put it on himself that's too much detail oh i'm also having flashbacks but we won't go into that oh I hate when that happens I know oh

I even get that with Spencer what? if I've had a night of drinking and we've had a night of fun I'm like I just get really embarrassed about certain parts I know

because suddenly it's like you've got no pride or boundaries and then the next day he's so young I was like the next morning I'm going to find. I was like, the next morning,

I'm going to find him downstairs watching CBeebies or something. I love it though. You're back on the horse. I'm back. Woohoo. I'm back. What was it like?

Did he have loads of energy? Loads of energy. He's actually really sound. He's a sound young lad. I just think it's fantastic that you're back on the wagon. I mean, we've been pushing for this

for a long time. For a very long time. Now, I don't usually have one night stands. I'm not it's fantastic that you're back on the wagon. I mean, we've been pushing for this for a long time. For a very long time. Now, I don't usually have one night stands. I'm not really a big fan of them traditionally because the next day

I don't really know how to behave if they're not in love with me. I don't really take it well. Do you know what I mean? So I'm not really a pump and dump kind of gal. A pump and dump.

Jesus Christ. I think that's what the kids call it. You don't know what They call it A fuck but dumb No they're really nice About shit I thought Oh they're so nice

The young ones I'd highly recommend Although I was like On the night I was like I can't really hold your hand I'm gonna look like I've found you

And I'm trying to Hold your hand I don't know There was probably some Yeah we were at a time Like yeah I don't know I'm being triggered

but he messaged me then the next day and I was like I looked back and we'd kind of messaged a bit because we kind of know each other

and I was like have I groomed him? what is my role in this? I can't message back and he stayed the night but the thing about it is is that yeah he's got an old soul

do you know what the problem is? he's got a really really deep voice which makes him sound older than he is so an old soul do you know what the problem is he's got a really really deep voice which makes him sound older than he is so then in the dark you're like this is appropriate

does he look young well the girls were like show us a photo so I did show me a photo I did go on Instagram and I was like oh god

and they were like I was like look their old photo like he looks nine but I said he's a really deep voice he's a really deep voice stop

stop making it into a bad thing you finally you've had sex I'm like do you know it's gas really deep voice. It's a really deep voice. Stop. Stop making it into a bad thing. I'm not ashamed. You've had sex. I'm like, do you know it's Gantz, right? Because I've got a young cell

and he's got an old cell. You could go together. It's Grant. Somehow kind of I don't know why you need to make excuses. If that was a man,

if that was a man sleeping with a 24 year old, it's like, well done, dude. Well, not nowadays you'd be like, you're an actual creep. But I get respect because I'm a cougar and that's how feminism works. Yeah, you are a coug. A good coug. Better standards for us. I was just really excited for you, to be honest. I know. I was really excited, too. It was really exciting. And now you can have that as a backup. Do

you know what I think, actually? I see now the benefit of having sex with people you have no emotional investment in. Yeah it's only taking you how long to realise that? 30 years Yeah 30 beep years. I can't actually have sex with anyone I like Ah no you're gonna have sex with someone. What about we're going

on a weekend away Joanne and I and you're gonna meet someone fantastic I can feel it. My vagina is like one of those shops you break your bike like once the seal is broken, I want to meet your mother. Like, I can't be trusted. I can't be trusted. I have an addictive personality.

It's too much. Did you have any one night stand? Are you a one night stand woman? No, no, not really. Well, I was, well, no. Let me think. Spenny was kind of a one night stand, but not really,

because I'd known him for like three weeks before. But the first night we kissed, that's the first night we... Well, that's a one night stand, but not really, because I'd known him for like three weeks before. But the first night we kissed, the first night we... Well, that's a one night stand that has really gotten out of control because you're now married to two kids. I don't think that counts. Yeah, that one night stand has been going.

That really escalated. No, I'm not really a one night stand. I tried, I know, I tried my best to be more worldly when I broke up from a long-term relationship and I just kept going, bouncing from relationship to relationship,

only seeing one person at one time. But at one stage when I met Spencer, I was texting like four or five other people with the intention of being worldly.

But then I met Spencer and he kind of took up all my time and then it ruined it. Yeah. And, and he was meant to set me up

with Anthony Joshua and he didn't. Spence, Spence, Spendy, Spency. Spendy thinks that I just fancy everyone. He wouldn't be wrong. I fancy a lot of people. Yeah.

That's okay though. I like that about you though. You've got game. I've got game but I don't deliver. I wouldn't, I don't think I could be frenzy if you were completely devoted to your husband.

I would find that tough. You know what I mean? I joined at the hip for it. No way. Yeah, I don't like that we've got our own separate friends as well Sherspenny was out

with his mates on Saturday the bloody chick from here I've told him at one in the morning and I was like just now

obviously he doesn't drink so like he came in I was like just be really quiet because I'm up at half four in the morning and he comes in

and drops his phone on the dresser I was like I'm going to kill you because I can never sleep when I know I'm up at half four in the morning fair play to him I just don't think if I didn't drink it's so terrible I don't think I'd going to kill you because I can never sleep when I know I'm up at half four in the morning.

Fair play to him. I just don't think I'd... If I didn't drink, it's so terrible. I don't think I'd leave the house. Isn't that terrible? Drinking at home is your favourite. No, but I mean, I have a lot of admiration for people who can go out

and not drink. I do. I think it's tough, you know. I do have a lot of admiration for it. A lot. I have an admiration for people that can drink like more than one day in a row

because the next day I wake up I feel like my body has turned into the Sahara and I can't drink I can't yeah but you're so lucky there are no consequences

to my actions I am literally bulletproof I can't get hangovers I've had two in my life what I'm just I don't know what it's like my body's a cucumber

I'm just incredibly hydrated all the time no no remember after we had that party with James in my life I'm just I don't know what it's like my body's a cucumber I'm just incredibly hydrated at all times no no remember after we had that party with James and then you thought you'd be

you had gone out the Thursday night you went out the Friday night now that was bad for you that was really bad yeah that was really bad so that was one of the times

but I knew you were boozing on Saturday I could tell by your voice yesterday I can tell yeah my what's it called when you have a something

a tell you can tell my tells I have the same with what's it called when you have a something a tell you can tell my tells I have the same with Spencer I now have with you because we spend so much time together I know one word I'm like that bitch

was drinking last night where was I Friday I Friday we were with the boy shag the kid keep an eye on Theodore I don't know what I'll do next I'm out of control mommy's back in the game mommy's back the kids. Keep an eye on Theodore. I don't know what I'll do next.

I'm out of control. Mommy's back in the game. Mommy's back. Mommy's back, baby. And I'm giving Theodore sweets. It's not a good start. That's how these things start. She's going to come right into my eight and a white van.

There's a thin line between a seduction and an abduction from what I can tell. What did I do? Oh, I just zoomed everyone and drank loads of wine. I'd like nothing really.

Very boring. I just zoomed everyone and drank wine. Yeah. Oh my God, on Saturday, like this is the difference in our lives. I was at a child's birthday party

in the middle of Chelsea, which was quite nice. They had two bouncy castles. Did you get on? With the family? The bouncy castle? No. There was one for the big kids

and one for the little kids. I didn't think I was allowed on the big kid one. Too embarrassing. I didn't know those people. I had to just, I had to, I introduced myself. I got on very well. I wonder though, kind of embarrassing. I didn't know those people. I had to just, I had to, I introduced myself. I got on very well. I wonder though,

kind of like, I don't know. I have a few mom friends from the nursery, but I don't have that many. But then I'm like, I don't know. I don't have that much space

for any more friends. And I'm kind of a mom now because my boyfriend's 11. And the mushrooms. And the mushrooms. Yes. Yeah. I need to price those bouncy castles

for my boyfriend's birthday. Hook me up with a free bouncy will you isn't it so funny the way like we can call lads daddy in the sack but if they call us mommy like it's not the same there's no sexiness to mommy there's no sexiness to daddy either

Jesus no not for me we call us when we call each other mama and dada not in a sexual way I know no I know but where does where does that stop then

like do you just when you have sex then are you like hello Vogue hello Spencer do you just just swap back then

oh no he freaks out if I call him Spencer I don't really need to use his name during the act yeah we're busy do it bitch

do it do it to mommy I don't really need to use his name during the act. Yeah. We're busy. Do it, bitch. Do it. Do it to mommy. I know. But I used to have, when I went out with this lad before and I used to bathe him all the time. Did I tell you that story? Basically, I was so in love with him

that I just wanted to like bathe him and groom him and stuff. And he'd come in and the bath he'd hear the bath running and he'd be like no and I'd be like come upstairs

and then I would sponge him down and everything and he was like this huge big lad and then the girls were like you've got a baby fetish

and I was like I don't and they're like you do and I was like fuck maybe I do what if I start trying to breastfeed him

so I was like okay I'm going to find out what this is all about so I found this book, The Chemistry Between Us, I think it was called, really, really good. And on the back it said,

why when a woman falls in love is her man like a baby to her? So I said, boom. Bought the book. It was fascinating. And it was basically saying that when a woman has sex, she releases the same endorphins

that she does when she gives birth. It's like this connection. So like I felt the same way about him as I would feel about a baby. But he was a sexy baby for me. Oh, Joanne. Fucking hell. I know. But you don't have that nursing element

like when he was sick, I was kind of tending to him. No, I don't have that. I'm more like oh God, get on with it. I hate when people are dragging themselves around the house feeling sorry for themselves when they're sick. My mom never gave sympathy and I don't give sympathy.

I'm like, oh, shut up. There's only a level it can go to. My mom is a nurse, so unless you came in decapitated, she didn't give a shit about you. She's like, literally everyone in the hospital had it worse.

So if you were like, my leg's in the field and my head's in the field over there and this and the other, then she's like, okay, fine. But other than that, she's like,

suck it up! Yeah, that's what I like. She was a suck it up mom. Yeah, never got a day off school for anything. Really? No, never. Oh no,

until I moved in with my dad for the year and then I'd say, I just think, I've got my period. Leave me alone, you don't understand. And I'd get loads of days off

for that. Like I got my period about five times a month. Great. Also, the thing about one night stands is if you're being real about it, there's never that much crack for the woman as in...

No, no, no. Oh, that's what you said. Pump and dump. Pump and dump, right? Whereas men can ejaculate at the drop of a hat. I don't. I'm obviously more complicated

and except for we have a mutual friend who I'm not going to name, obviously she can't understand she's like every time she's sex she orgasms if a man just even looks her in the eye I don't believe that

she's like I orgasm every time and I'm like she's like do you not orgasm and I was like no because I don't have a clitoris the size of a farm animal I don't have a pig's clitoris I don't believe that

it's not true how can that be true I said you're like a farm animal she's I mean a lucky farm animal. You're obsessed with pigs and their orgasms. You talk about them

all the time. Well, it is something to work towards. The orgasm for half an hour. This is why, because I keep trying to get you to stop eating sausages because I tell you,

the pigs, they're more intelligent than Gigi. Like, is that what you, like you're eating something. Listen, whoa, whoa, whoa. She's finally standing up for her own child.

I can't believe I've had to push you to this point I called her stupider than a pig That's what it took We're going to go on to topic one now Because there's absolutely no point in me telling you about my week It was so boring I went to a kids party and worked That was it

And had a shite roast with a piece of beef that tasted like a flip-flop. Well, did you go to Monkey Music? You love a bit of Monkey Music. Didn't go to Monkey Music. That's Thursdays. That's Thursdays. Do you want to relax? Sorry, I'm just trying to organize it for my...

Monkey Music. I didn't go swimming because the party got in the way of that. I need you to take my boyfriend to Monkey Music next Thursday. Oh, does he want to go? Yeah. Okay, I'll get him a spot. He doesn't know what he wants. He's too young.

I know what he wants. Has he started swimming? He needs to go to Monkey Music. Okay. Topic one. Now this... Right. I came get him a spot. He doesn't know what he wants. He's too young. I know what he wants. Has he started swimming? He needs to go to monkey music. Okay, topic one. Now this, right, I came up with this topic because Joanne said last week that Mariah Carey likes to be carried

and her rider says she won't do stairs. And I think, you know what, Mariah Carey, you're absolutely dead right. Why would you do stairs? She's so rich, she doesn't need to do stairs. She has somebody to carry her up and down the stairs

and then I was going to look at celeb riders because there's lots of these now that you wouldn't you'd actually you'd think they'd be way worse than they are first of all

what would you have as your rider I was actually laughing because I'm so far away from having a rider the last time I did the last time I did Vicar Street

my own Vicar Street they ticketed me going in what they were like ticket please oh stop I was like I'm off stop The last time I did Vicar Street My own Vicar Street They ticketed me going in What? They were like Ticket please Oh stop I was like I'm off Stop

That's me It's me Had you not glammed up? No Do you know what it was? I wasn't wearing mascara And I'm absolutely convinced That when you're not wearing mascara

You look like a different person Yeah you do Because your eyes are like Pisshails in the snow Pisshails in the snow You must have some kind of a rider No nothing I'd say you're a cheap date.

Very cheap date. So I remember doing a gig up in, I think it was Glore. Is that in England or in Ireland? It was in Ireland and they were like, can we get, they walked me into this dressing room

and it was like a little prison cell. There was nothing. There wasn't even a plug socket. There was nothing in the room and then your mom was like, can I get you anything? And I was like, a water would be,

get a water. They fucking charged me for it. Charged me for a bottle of water. After the show, they walked me to the bar and made me pay for the bottle of water. Oh my God. Yeah, so I'm not really rider material. If you could have a rider, what would be on it?

Bottle of white wine, chicken salad sandwich and a sausage dog. Oh, a sausage dog. That's quite a good idea. I'd love if every venue had to give me a dog. Just to borrow. You're obsessed with it I'm taking Winnie with me

I'm sorry you can't have him can't have him I'm not doing three weeks away from Winnie for your sake and you know what you make dates

with Winston right she makes dates with Winston and then you just you forget about him and he's left sitting there on a Sunday morning and I'm like

don't worry don't worry Winston Joanne's coming Joanne never shows up never shows up awful bitch no that's fair enough if I owned Winnie I wouldn't want to be parted from him either Don't worry, Winston. Joanne's coming. Joanne never shows up. Never shows up. Awful bitch. No, that's fair enough. If I owned Winnie,

I wouldn't want to be parted from him either. I try to, again, like I do every weekend, try to foster a dog. So Battersy Dog Centre. Battersy. Battersy Dog Home

or Battersy Dog and Cat. Oh, they're notoriously hard to get from. Well, they were like, you need a car. I was like, where the fuck am I going? Just give me a dog with legs

and I won't need a car. Like, how badly damaged is a foster dog that they just roll around? Can they not... Like, can I have one with legs, please? Maybe the dogs don't take the tube. They have preferences. I have to drive it to piano

lessons. It's not a human. Unbelievable stuff. You've never paid much interest in Winston, though. You haven't. Look, that is an absolute lie. You haven't paid that much. Joanne. Who's minded that?

I've minded that dog loads. Back in the day. I don't think you've minded him loads. On my rider, what I would like, I had to think about this because I haven't had a rider. Well, I used to actually when I did bits, like vodka always.

Yeah. But I was thinking I'll probably get a rider for that show that I'm doing. So I want to have berries. I want to have hummus. You are so rock and roll. Coke zero. Oh my God. And Fanta zero and Pepsi Max because I like all three.

Sometimes I switch it up. And because I'll be at home, Club Orange zero. And Super Queen Sosos. It's not a picnic. It is a picnic. This is in your dressing room so you can nibble before you

go and sit there nibbling sausages in between takes. Yeah, cooked sausages. I've missed the Irish Sosso. Cooked Sossos and I like the

Super Queen potato salad as well. Folk, don't be ridiculous. If you're getting a rider, go big, go hard. No, you can't. That's what, okay, look at this ridiculous. If you're getting a rider, go big, go hard. No, you can't.

That's what, okay, look at this. You want bags of potato and a bag of heroin. Folk Williams. Boom. That is what, like,

a bag of heroin. Yeah, I'd love a bag of heroin there, please. Justin Bieber, right, when he first started his career in 2010, his riders were simple. Lots of snack food.

Now, eight years later, right, listen to this. Where was he doing this? And this is a bit outrageous. Come of snack food. Now, eight years later, right, listen to this. Where was he doing this? And this is a bit outrageous. Come on. So he wants,

there's so much, I'm not going to get through it all. A convoy of 10 luxury sedans and two Volvo buses. He wants his own private jet. Fair enough, if he's there. 10 containers will be flown

with items like a ping pong table, PlayStation 10 Hawk, sofa set, washing machine. Fair. Washing machine? Yeah. You want the 10 Hawk, sofa set, washing machine, fair. Washing machine? Yeah.

You want the venue to bring you a new washing machine? No, it has to be flown so he obviously has, he wants to bring his own washing machine. He has to have

two five-star hotels reserved for security. He wants two of the lifts cordoned off in the whole time that he's there so he can have it. The hotel will convert itself

into Bieber's private villa with three floors. He wants three floors of a hotel. A special Indian yoga casket containing aromatic essential oils, jasmine, margaret. Joanne, this is like,

you should put this in your rider. How stupid is that? Hydrating lip balms. Oh my God, I'm going to put lip balms on my rider. What an asshole. I know, it looks like fucking stupid. And I'm

telling you, do you know what? He played the RDS in Dublin and he didn't as hell get any of that, I can tell you. He didn't get it. It's a, he got a box of Tato and a fucking thing of Ballygown and that was the height of it. A thing of Ballygown. Here, shut up, you. And do you know what? If he'd gone up to that Glorivani, I'm telling you, he'd have to have paid for his own

sparkly water. I can't believe it yeah they walked him to the bar and made me pay for it now your one was kind of young I didn't want to say I don't think I should what was it like 180 yeah

for fuck's sake and it was this whole thing because I didn't have change on me and she's like we don't take cards and then I had to get money off my mate like it was the whole thing

oh my god that's so embarrassing Adele right who you think would have a really I like Adele. I think we'd get on with her. I saw her in Battersea Park. When?

Ages ago. Does she look like... I feel like she looks like she could be like our cousin or something. It was before... Do you think? Yeah, I think we all have that kind of look. Yeah. All she wanted was a pack of marble lights and a lighter.

How can she smoke and have that voice? She wants two bottles of the best quality California red wine. lights and a lighter. How can she smoke and have that voice? She wants two bottles of the best quality California red wine. Like if I sage too close to my nose I wake up the next day husky.

How is she smoking and singing? Taylor Swift, she loves a Starbucks so she has to have her order delivered before 11. Grand, that's not bad.

A coffee, that's all she wants, a coffee. Fucking coffee, she's grand. She obviously hasn't had a Pret-a-Manger coffee because Starbucks

tastes like shit. I don't like the Pret coffee. I'll have a Pret Pardo, I wants a coffee fucking coffee she's grand she obviously hasn't had a Pret-a-Manger coffee because Starbucks it tastes like shit I don't like the Pret coffee I'll have a Pret-a-Manger I won't have a Pret coffee Selena Gomez right after her breakup with Justin Bieber she wouldn't have anyone

called Justin on the set or on tour working with her so they all had to change their names because there was a couple of Justins there

what? that's not that cannot be true I'm telling you now it's true it was in Marie Claire magazine it's true okay oh was in Marie Claire magazine. It's true, okay?

Oh, well, I love Marie Claire. I do. I believe everything Marie says. I would, I would. I believe everything that I read, to be fair. But you can't, like, that's ridiculous. Jennifer Lopez wants all white everything. I'd heard that.

Yeah, I don't care. Oh my God, Jennifer. Yeah, she's back with Ben. I told you. I know, I actually am completely shocked. I genuinely am shocked. Yeah, well, there you go. You're a slagging off women, left, right and centre. And she. I actually am completely shocked. I genuinely am shocked. Yeah, well, there you go. You were slagging off women,

left, right and centre, and she's back. She's back. Slagging off old women. Joanne doesn't like old people. She sees anyone hobbling down the road, she turns the other way and walks off. I am always kicking over Zimmer frames and stuff.

Jay-Z. I love Jay-Z. I love Jay-Z. He demanded seven dressing rooms. Seven. Wants some good quality peanut butter and good jelly. That's fair. I always think toilet paper is a good indication of wealth.

Yeah, I never go cheap on the toilet paper. No, you're like a 12-ply woman. Well, I always get the ones on offer, to be fair, but it's always like, what is it called? Cashel or something. It's like wiping yourself with a Labradoodle. That's where I like going down to the house

so much I went Lindsay Lohan I thought this was funny because like come on Lindsay before she was appeared on a Russian talk show

Lohan sent a list of demands one which included meeting President Vladimir Putin oh yeah he'll just clear his schedule for you.

But this is the thing, when you get that, when you've got that many yes people around you, you actually think you're in a position to demand an audience

with Vladimir Putin. Although he's such a nut job. If he'd actually said, yeah, he's kind of obsessed with America. Don't say nut job,

we'll be all, what's that called, poisoned in here. The Russians will be after us. Do you know what my new thing is now? I'm over Tutankhamun. I've moved on.

Now my new thing is the Russian Revolution. So I found this amazing series on Netflix called The Last Tsar. It's brilliant. Is it good for my mind? I'm writing that down.

Yeah, it's really, really good. If you have an interest in the Russian Revolution. The last, I do actually. Yeah, brilliant. There you go. Why wouldn't I? I didn't say it. If you have an interest in the Russian Revolution. The last... I do, actually. Yeah, brilliant. There you go. Why wouldn't I?

I didn't say it. I just said you haven't expressed it before. I will have you know. Top of my list. Folk, the last... The Russian Revolution. What's up? What's going on about it?

Anyway, I've sent it to Spencer. He'll be wondering what that's about. Really, really good. And then I did that thing that I like to do where I fall asleep listening to a documentary about the Russian Revolution and then I did that thing that I like to do where I fall asleep listening to a documentary about the Russian Revolution and then I was getting

assassinated by one of the Romanov kids which will make sense to you after you watch the documentary oh my god I read this story actually which is kind of scary a Ryanair flight

was did you see that was diverted on its way to Lithuania they took this blogger off and he's now awaiting the death sentence it's Belarus

it's like what the fuck I it's Belarus is it Belarus? it's like what the fuck I know wild that's gonna happen to us now I'll be on my way to Greece Vladimir Putin will be diverted into Minsk

oh my god imagine you were assassinated by the Russians they're probably lying to the inside of your trilby why is everyone so fucking obsessed with my hat

it looks great it looks great it looks great and I'm happy because you know what Joanne I might have I worked out today and I sweated a lot

and I'm not washing my hair Eminem last one I had so much leg hair when I was what I was just thinking of hair and like obviously

I have loads of hair on my head none on my face thank god thank god touch wood that's why your skin probably always looks so good

but it's not like you've got it. Was it you? Who was it telling me? It was my ex-mate Sophie said she went in to get her eyebrows done and your mum was like,

do you want me to do your beard as well? And she was like, you can't just ask me that. You can't just ask me that. I'm going to get hyaluronic acid injected into my face.

I can't wait. I'm going to get a bit of profiterole done as well. Yeah, and we'll do a bit of facial profiteroles. We'll do the Morpheus. Do the Morpheus, yeah. Our skin's going to be so tight.

I want to look like a different person. Me too. Yeah. I want to be so refreshed that when I go through passport control, they're going to be like, who the fuck are you? And I'm going to be like, I person. Me too. Yeah. I want to be so refreshed that when I go through passport control, they're going to be like, who the fuck are you?

And I'm going to be like, I've had the Morpheus. Let me home. Let me into Ireland. So there was a story that I'll pretend that I found, but actually Vogue found it. Do you want to help us

too busy on the piss all weekend? I was busy. I was busy grooming a child in a pub I mean whatever Oh yeah so anyway this woman

she basically long story short Maya Flynn 28 from Wales woke up to the dog on May 17th after a night out She was left petrified

that a giant husky type dog was staring at her in her bed footage showed the dog following her home and soon reunited with its owner I mean

better than a traffic count like I I got to thinking then the weird shit that you've done when you're absolutely pissed out of your face

like waking up with a dog in your bed that is that's a lot like you'd be thrilled I'd be absolutely thrilled I'd be absolutely thrilled. I'd be absolutely thrilled. I'd lock it in.

She had it all though on Snapchat. So she went back to her Snapchat stories. Do you ever, I remember, oh, I used to post when I was pissed.

Bad idea. I know, I've stopped that as well now. She's explained how it happened. I went to my friends to help her do a bit of DIY and painting. Then we decided

three bottles of wine was a good idea. I like this girl. I'm going to add her on Insta. I was a little shocked when I woke up hungover to a dog staring at me. I was petrified

he was going to attack me. I find dogs cute but they're also a little bit scary especially a bloody big one like that. She continued I documented the entire

thing on my Snapchat. That's how I pieced together the story. It's too good. I was walking home from her house after midnight when the dog

started following me he was just wandering the street it was the street I'd lived in I assume he'd just gotten out it actually reminded me

of a time that I found a dog on my mum's road and this puppy dog and walked it around the estate loads of times tried to find an owner

and the guy I was with at the time was like tweeting about it and we were retweeting it because he had loads of Twitter followers. And brought it into my mum's house. We ended up bringing it to the vet, trying to see if it was chipped. And then the vet was from our road. And the vet was like, I was like, we found this puppy.

He's like, first of all, it's not a puppy. That dog's like in its 50s. He's a ground dog. Who was he seeing? He's a ground dog. Morpheus. Yeah, who was he seeing he's a grown dog Morpheus yeah who was he seeing

who does your work he's just a small dog I thought he was just a vulnerable puppy he's like he's a grown ass dog and he's like that dog is from

such and such an address and it was literally the house I'd taken the dog out of so the dog was just living its life in its own front garden and I was like

I thought I'd rescued it I'd actually stolen it and so when I went back I dropped it back they didn't even know it was gone I was like I thought I'd rescued it I'd actually stolen it and so when I went back I dropped it back they didn't even know it was gone I was like get your dog chipped

I think it's actually I think you legally have to get your dog chipped now yeah you do yeah when he's chipped my mother said it was harder to adopt

the dog than it was to adopt me and my brother she said that well it was the 80s in Ireland they were just handing out kids free with petrol we were everywhere

but she did say when the dog when she adopted the dog they came out and checked the garden and all no one checked the garden when they adopted us

they just fucking threw the kids in the car and were like good luck goodbye and good luck did I tell you the story about I actually didn't remember it recently

so when I was first adopted when my mum got me she said I wouldn't stop crying and she was really freaked out that there was something wrong with me

and so she rang up the agency and she was like the child won't stop crying and she was really freaked out that there was something wrong with me and so she rang up the agency and she was like the child won't stop crying and the nun said listen you have to understand Joanne's

been looked after by nuns for like six months so what we recommend is new parents wear a white t-tow when they're putting the kids down

what? yeah and I went out like a light no I used to do it in stand up I was like

I had a habit for habits how mad is that? I know yeah because they were like she I used to do it in stand up I was like I had a habit for habits. How mad is that? I know yeah because they were like she's used to being put out like that so now she's

So the nuns had you for six months? Yeah. Jesus that's mad. Yeah I know. You're very holy. Very holy. Very holy girl.

Very holy. She is. I love a bit of the Bible. The worst thing well not the worst thing I've ever done when I was drunk I remember being 17

and falling asleep outside my dad's front door. He came down, he was so furious. I was like, you know, you're trying to crawl back in and you're so pissed. I went home with a soap dispenser one night, not a small one. A huge, I don't know why I did that. But like it was, my whole bag was covered in soap shite. And I don't know why I did that, but like it was, my whole bag was covered in soap shite. And I don't know why I brought it home. Another time in that same club,

we used to get really, really drunk there. That was back when you were fun. Now you want to order fucking hummus and berries on your ride out. I'm having hummus and berries and almond butter. Snacking on sausages.

And oat cakes. And then I fell asleep in the toilets. I used to get so pissed that I'd go into the toilet, set myself an alarm so I could have like a 20 minute power nap and then I'd asleep in the toilets. I used to get so pissed that I'd go into the toilet, set myself an alarm so I could have like a 20-minute power nap and then I'd go back out. And I was going out with Al at the time. And he had people looking all over town for me

and he was so fucking furious. Eventually, one of the security guards tried to push open the toilet door. They couldn't get it open. And he had to unlock it and then push it because I was sprawled on the ground fast asleep.

I don't know if I've ever really gone to town on it, but I've woken up sitting on toilets. Yeah. And I've woken, I've seen other girls power napping on bathroom,

on bathroom toilet floors. Oh my God, imagine doing that now. I know. Now. Just now. Well, I do fall asleep on the cage. You see me doing that now. I know. Now. Just now. Well, I do fall asleep on the cage.

You see me doing that a lot. Mid-chat. So funny. Joanne, what you need to do. It's like she's just about to give me some guidance. I tried to order food off a taxi driver once.

I was trying to order a three-in-one. I can't remember what I was trying to get off him. And he was like, I don't, I can't, I only tell, the girls tell me.

I was trying to order food off him. And I saw one of the girls once trying to ring off him. And he was like, I don't, I can't. I only tell, the girls tell me. I was trying to order food off him. And I saw one of the girls once trying to ring a taxi with a burger with a chicken royale from the chicken sandwich. Yeah, she was trying to dial it and all. I was like, you all right there, love? Okay. Oh, I love a chicken royale. I did a little call out for us yesterday, John,

because I get so many emails about, well, about us and asking us different things about ourselves. And I thought to myself, I'll do a little call out so I will. And I said, you can ask us anything. Somebody wants to know, how did you meet? Well, a lot of people wanted to know how we met. And what's the funniest thing that's ever happened to you together?

How we met, we were in the same friend group, but I wouldn't say we were mates. No, we were very, I was certainly, I said it, I think. I thought you thought you were really cool. Yeah, and I, you were too attractive to be around. Excuse said it. I thought you thought you were really cool. Yeah, and you were too attractive to be around. Excuse me, it's when you had your long flowing hair. You were too hot. Do you know what I think it is?

I think sometimes when- Not back then, babe. You were. No, you're not now. That's why we're friends. You're expiring like the rest of us. You're safe to be around now. Expiring. Curdling. you're expiring like the rest of us you're safe to be around now expiring curdling

so no no no no we weren't now in fairness I think there was a stage like for about two weeks where we were up for the same work

because that's kind of how Ireland works but that's not how we met we met we were always at the same parties together 100% but we weren't close

so we were in this big gang of people and you had your girl little gang and i had my girl little gang and you were an intimidating person as were you at your long flowing locks you know all the the legs and you were the reality you were on fade street jesus christ the street but do you ever see that they did a dub of my voice on this thing because I did this such a funny reality show and the dub is like alright lads

I'm Vogue and I get to it's so good another thing Joanne I thought that we'd like this because I think it's happened to both of us have you ever been ghosted

by a guy you've been dating and how did you handle it you go first we all have those stories I've yes I mean we didn't really have a term for it you know what I mean you've been dating and how'd you handle it? You go first. We all have those stories. I've, yes. I mean, we didn't really have a term for it. You know what I mean?

We didn't have a term for ghosting. Someone just, they just kind of cut you out. And because there wasn't as many ways of contacting people back then, so there wasn't this blocking, unblocking thing.

Oh, I've been, I was ghosted recently, obviously before I spent, but like. I remember you telling me that, yeah. That was the worst. It still fucks me off today. I know, but it's not so funny

because we've discussed this at length and it's that it's the rejection of it and the injustice of it and the reason it still pisses you off is because

or it still bothers you it's because it's rejection no one likes rejection because back in the day if you were rejected by the village you died just a child

you have to Joanne watches a lot of like old school documentaries by the way in the village in the village in the village you died

everyone breastfed everyone's kids and if you were exiled you died and that was that was what happened that was life in the 80s

in Ireland that was it um wildest night out together probably back in the day they'd last quite a long time they were like Rita Ora long

oh my god Rita Ora Rita Ora long. Oh my God, Rita Ora is in an open polyamorous... Nah, I don't know. I think that they posted those pictures of Rita Ora because I think that she's been up since the night before and they know it and they're trying to pick... But she's scoring someone and then she's scoring...

Back in our day, if someone said they were polyamorous, you'd just assume they liked shagging parrots. Here, Joanne. Now they're all at it. Joanne, an Irish star you'd ride? Colin Farrell.

Oh yeah, me too. I'd tap that. Yeah, defo. I never really fancied do you fucking smirk, which.

I didn't know what that means. Oh God. Would you ever let Joanne babysit your kids? She's going to give me one. I'm going to give her one. I'm too drunk to remember she offered me one of her kids, but I'm going to take it now. Certainly not Theodore.

Yes, I would let Joanne babysit my kids. Of course I would. I think she'd be great. What is your chipper order? Now, I'm going to tell you mine, right, while you're thinking because I can't believe you just don't have one.

And I would like to say I certainly don't have a chipper every week. I have a chipper like every six months, I'll be honest. I'm a chicken balls woman. A chicken ball is from a Chinese. It's not from a chipper. I know, but I don't,

I'm not a chipper woman. I'm a chicken ball, I'm a chicken ball and sweet and sour balls woman. My favorite thing about Ireland chippers is like, so I'd get chips. I get, now, keep in mind it's about once every six months,

I'm not saying I eat this all the time because people will be like, that's bullshit, that's bullshit. Chips, I get garlic chip and the curry sauce,

I love chipper curry sauce. I get a quarter pounder and a batter sausage. Batter sausage. Yeah, now you know that battered Mars bars are illegal now,

did you know that? Are they? I could be, we might have to fact check. Get the solicitors. Get the legal team involved. I'm pretty sure they made them illegal

because they're so bad for you. That's so delicious. Battered Mars bar. A bit much now. A little bit too much. What's your morning? The reason I actually highlighted this one

because I really wanted to know yours. What's your morning? The reason I actually highlighted this one because I really wanted to know yours. What is your morning routine? I lie in bed and watch you do your workouts and I smoke. I'm asking, I don't smoke anymore. I actually have a lovely routine in the morning. I get up, I do my saging. Before you do anything?

I get up, I sit at my desk. I'll do a bit of saging. Do you not go wee first? And I'll do a bit of saging. Do you not go wee first? I'll do a bit of pingy-pingy music depending on anxiety levels and regret about life decisions. Depending where that scale sits. And then when do you have brekkie?

Licky-tonky music. Brekkie? I'll steal someone's yogurt out of the fridge. Like it's a whole self-care system. Do you not have a delicious breakfast you have ready for yourself? No, do you? Yes. Breakfast is you have ready for yourself no do you yes I breakfast my favorite

meal because I've been asleep for like eight hours so I'm starving I wake up by one of theodore usually mommy mommy with his english accent calling me and I go into him

we have our morning hug I take a snappy off and by the way I would like to say it's dry six out of seven I actually thought you were gonna say something else there and I was

like oh my god but you were going to brag about your size well I don't sorry I don't mind saying myself very impressive

for a date no no no I haven't gone there then I usually go in and get Shishi then we go into the kitchen Shishi has her bottle I have

this morning I had porridge with coconut almond butter by the way ever had that? life changing and blueberries and agave syrup sometimes an egg

depends I usually take I have two salpatines and an empty stomach two salpas in the morning depending where my head's at a Xanax some blinky blonky music

a bit of Sajan I am absolutely appalled and horrified and insulted that I still haven't had one single famous man slip into my DMs. I've had to check my settings. Like who, though? Anyone! Anyone at all! Come on! I've got a blue tick.

I'm single. I've got a vagina. It's fucking ghost town out there for me. No, not anymore. Tumbleweed slipping through those DMs. No, I never get any action on the DMs. You're married. I don't care. It still doesn't mean I shouldn't get any action on the DMs.

Any chance Vogue wants to come with us to Vicar Street on March the 4th? No, you see what's happening here now? People now want you as part of my show. We're a duo now. Joanne, I want five minutes on stage. Do you know how hard I've had to work to build up to sound as Vicar Street? You're just going to fucking prance out with your Jeevoo syrup or whatever you call it. La la la, Vogue is here. What's Vicar Street? I just going to fucking prance out with your Jeevoo syrup or whatever you call it la la la Vogue is here

what's Vicar Street I'm doing it now no bitch back off I'll take you to Whelan's take you to a smaller venue

100 seater favourite kid we all have a favourite right it was to me but I think that you probably have a favourite of my kids

well we know the story there. Theodore is your favourite. Theodore is my favourite. Only because Gigi's a little bit, she's a little bit cold. No, not anymore. Not anymore. She's a little bit,

her face is so perfectly symmetrical that she's looking down on anyone and see if it isn't. Yeah. I think she should be the face of something. I think put her into modelling. She's,

sure she's the face of fairy. Oh yeah, that's true. Click clack. I love when people say I was a child model. It's like, you she's the face of fairy. Oh yeah, that's true. Click clack. I love when people say I was a child model. It's like, you fucking, stop making out

like you're on a runway. I love it when people say I was a model and they were doing press calls in Ireland. No babe. I was on, I used to do,

I modelled on Live at Three till I got too fat and they desalitate me into the dress and they stopped calling. I used to do those as well. Oh God, having to model,

oh no, no. Has Joanne, there was a few of these now Joanne, has Joanne met that guy I used to do those as well oh god having to model oh no no has Joanne there was a few of these now Joanne has Joanne met that guy you were going to set her up with if so any goss

well he's in his 40s and as we have heard from this pod I've changed way too old for Joanne now I've turned I've turned a sinister corner

that's all for this week remember if you'd like to send us an email you're more than welcome to just send it to hello at mtgmpod.com why not like and subscribe

if you've gotten this far it's the least you can do is that aggressive? okay Yeah, aggressive. Okay.