My Therapist Ghosted Me - Saylor...

Episode Date: August 26, 2022

This week, Vogue is back in her beloved Jersey and Joanne holds the fort in London. Find out how the ‘work in progress’ shows went and the unusual name that Vogue has thought of, in case she has another baby! If you'd like to get in touch, you can send an email to [e-mail] more information about Joanne's gigs, just visit www.joannemcnally.comThank you!

This is a Global Player original podcast. Hello and welcome to My Therapist Ghosted Me. It's me, Joanne McNally, and it's her, Vogue Williams. She can't do the intro because there's a helicopter swirling outside her house and she wants to stay relatable. Look at that pint of wine. That is, sorry Vogue, and you're good at numbers. That is not, that's not a pint, that's not even a mega pint of wine. That is a rational adult measurement of wine.

I'm after getting in trouble for stealing again. It's happened again. Oh, God. Klepto Vogue hits again. What have you stolen now? I put someone's virginity. Tell me quick. I wish it was.

I wish it was. So you know the way the lovely people at Pioneer lent me um the decks for our for our show yeah for our live show I thought they were gifting me the headphones and I stole them when they went to pick up the decks and they were like where's the headphones well they're currently on my head in Jersey they're with their new owner which is surely where they're supposed to be Louisa texted me my manager and she's like yeah we'll get them back I was like will you will you yeah will you really I'm on the run yeah it says you went to Jersey's they can't call you

back like I'm on I'm a fugitive now my new heavens it is always quite embarrassing it's kind of a weird relationship with brands and posting and all that jazz. Sometimes it's always, it's a bit awkward. Like, are these a gift or do you want them back? When you really like something like they're lucky I didn't put the decks in my pocket, you know, I really loved the decks. I thought about stealing them,

but pioneer, apologies to pioneer. I'm bringing her back to the shop with the headphones. That's, do you remember when I, when I first stole that, that's what happened to me no when I first my first robbery yeah um I was around I think I was around eight and it was Amber's fault I even remember the jacket I was wearing it was a green jacket me and Amber had a matching one ugly color green swampy and uh we were at the ifsc kind of

area at this place the irish life center in ireland and there was loads of these shops and i was going around my sister and my mom was in the shop and i saw a 10p troll rubber and i was like oh yeah i was like i really want that rubber and i was like to my mom please can i have this rubber and she wouldn't let me have it and then amber's like steal it and I was like no she's like steal it and so I stole it right and we got to the bus stop and uh and I felt so guilty I took it out and threw it on the ground and Frederick my stupid brother told on me and my mom dragged me back to the shop and made me give the rubber back so I well I'd like to say I never stole again. I was going to say, did you learn your lesson?

No, you haven't because now you're 45 years of age. You just stole a pair of Pioneer headphones. I'm borrowing them. I'm going to give them back. They're just resting on my ears. I haven't given a date as to when I'm giving them back,

but I plan to. Once I'm dead. Yes, when I am not alive in your will you can give the pioneer headphones back to pioneer you're welcome pioneer that's a great one I'm gonna give you them back when I die when I'm dead yeah that's not stealing um I love the way your arm is like steal it it's like you know do you know that meme that's going around you're like just be normal just be sane and there's like a devil on your shoulder it's like ask do you know that meme that's going around? You're like, just be normal. Just be sane.

And there's like a devil on your shoulder. It's like, ask him who his first girlfriend was. Or ask, you know, all this shit. Do you see the one? It's so funny. She's lying in her bed with the face mask on and a glass of wine. And she's like, wait till your boyfriend comes home and ask him why he cheated on you before he ever met you. I love all those things.

They make me laugh so much. They make me laugh. much they make me laugh Amber was awful like that I don't even want to tell you some of the things that she made me do my that sounds really ropey

it's ropey like I've actually just thought of something that's that makes it sound like you're returning tricks at the age of seven years of age my brother was a fucking terror

so we used to play this game called the chokie race where I'd run up the stairs ahead of him and he'd pull my legs out from underneath me oh yeah yeah so that i'd fall back down the stairs and carpet burn my face he would give me cereal in the morning on a saturday you know when your parents are still in bed and i come down he'd be like hi joanne i've made you a bowl of alpen and i'd be like oh thanks connor and it'd be full of buttermilk. Like he was just a prick. We used to, I was actually,

I was running in the park the other day with John Belton and I saw these things on a tree and I was like, come over. I was like, did you ever do this when you were younger? We used to cut open these things. They look like tomatoes, but they're not.

And shove them down each other's backs. And it's like itching powder. And I remember running home, screaming, crying. I must have been about like six, really young and having to get in the bath. I remember. I told you about me going blind, didn't I?

No. Well, firstly, my brother, just back to the terror that he was. I think that our neighbor, we had a dog called Topaz, this kind of obese Labrador. Did you just love the petrol station? So actually, she was my aunt's dog originally. And she was named after the stone, Topaz, you philistine, not the fucking petrol station so actually she's she was my aunt's dog originally and she was named after the stone topaz you philistine not the fucking petrol station yeah okay who's gonna call their dog circle k you don't name dogs after petrol stations that's like when my mom tries to say she didn't call me after the magazine come on we all know who does she why what does she claim that

she oh she claims she heard it herself in a shop Sandra's spoof for the week go on Sandra get out of that go on I just thought of it myself classic Sandra she tried to tell me

the magazine wasn't out yet because when I was younger I was like no the magazine wasn't out yet you're giving away that's what I'm glad you're finally admitting you're a woman

in your 60s with just a very good aesthetics doctor because Ewan's done a great job I'm so glad you're finally admitting you're a woman in your 60s with just a very good aesthetics doctor because Ewan's done a great job I'm so glad you're finally admitting it Vogue was born before the printing press was invented she just found Dr. Ewan in time

so anyway Topaz the obese Labrador right she was always wandering around Labradors are always obese are they? I think that's a racist stereotype, folk.

Well, they're prone to getting fat, Labradors. Go on anyway, tell me about Topaz. I'm sure she was beautiful. Topaz, well, she was just out

of her step aerobics class and she was really making, she was just really trying to make a go of it and she was waddling through one of the neighbour's gardens and the neighbour came out

and hit her age with a brush, you know like get out get out topaz and my brother i don't know what age was it six seven or something like that i don't know 28 i honestly don't i've no concept of time went next door with the scissors and your one had this gorge and he went in and cut the head off every single one snip snip snip like a sociopath Every single one. Snip, snip, snip, like a sociopath. I'm sorry, but that is like,

if you're going to kick a dog out with a broom, that's what you get. He cut the lid. Sorry, I've had three wines. I have to be transparent. He cut the top of every single one of them. The lid off the flower. Then he went in and circumcised her husband and performed a full vasectomy

with the scissors. And then that was fair. He was quite the child and that's what you do for slapping a dog. Do you remember when people used to put like filled up water bottles

in their garden to try and deter the dogs like it would do anything? No, what do you mean? Squirt them in the face? No, just leave the water bottles there because supposedly the dogs wouldn't wee on them then.

My cousin Sophie, she has a dog. They've had Labradors their whole life, right? And it's always called Sam. One dies, a new Sam comes in. It's like a conveyor belt of Sams.

They're all Sam. I wish my mother had done that with my father. I'd have fucking been thrilled. Frank is back. Okay, he looks a little different. I don care daddy's home I've missed you daddy's home he's Asian I don't care I'm not gonna ask any questions daddy's back it's a fresh Frank it's a fresh Frank I love that your dad's name was Frank I like that name If I had a child I'd call it Frank regardless of gender

If I had a child I would have another name Do you want to hear my next baby name that Svenny's not into if I ever decide to have another baby which I'm quite unsure of because I'm very tired I'm going to call it Sailor What you going to do with a drunken sailor

What you going to do with a drunken sailor No you're not into it? Is she frozen? She's not frozen. I see her eyes moving. Sorry, I'm just trying to process this insane bit of information you've just given me.

That's a great name. Sailor. S-A-Y-L-O-R. You're joking, aren't you? This is your new comedian career, isn't it? This is comedian vogue, isn't it? This is you being the, this is comedian Vogue, isn't it? Doing your jokes.

Having the lols. I am. I am. Sales, I'll call her for short because it's a girl. Whether it likes it or not. Are you drinking, Vogue? No, I've told you. I feel really guilty about my week of drinking.

You're going to, sorry, no, no, no, no, no, no. You're going to call your no no no no no. You're gonna call your child sailor. That's like calling your child plumber or carpenter or electrician. That's a fucking. If I have a fifth child there will definitely be electrician

in there. This is the kind of shit remember we saw that list of names in New Zealand that they wouldn't let people call their kids anymore like violence and bus stop. This is sailor goes on that list. No it doesn't. Vogue I'm telling'm telling you this name i've let you i've let you make some really wild decisions in your life but if you call a child sailor i will step in with social services and we will take the child off you and we will call the child lorraine like it's supposed to be called and you will never see that child again and i won't raise it because i'm not capable but joe

will raise it yeah fine are you ready for baby Lorraine Jo you can have Lorraine Jo do you not think Sarah's a lovely name okay well you two get lost you two

I'll do whatever I want I'll call it shit bag if I want and you'll just have to deal with it shit bag Matthews Vogue

why do you know what do you know what I came into she's gone she's onto something else hang on I keep looking around the office though because I'm just Do you know what I came into She's gone She's onto something else Hang on I keep looking around the office

Because I'm just thinking about it So I came up here And Spenny's dad was here working And he was like Will I just work quietly here While you do your podcast I was like I'm sorry

Maybe for the Spencer one Not for I can't have you in here For this one Absolutely not Sailor I don't understand You don't understand.

You don't have to understand because your child is going to be called Captain. Yes. Captain. Captain Hook is going to be one of them. She's going to call the other one

Trainer. You can't be calling your kids after jobs, folk. I can call my kid after anything I want. Barista. Have you met my child, Barista? Excuse me. If Gwyneth Paltrow can call my kid after anything I want barista have you met my child barista excuse me if Gwyneth Paltrow

can call her child apple I can call my child sailor I wonder what kind of apple she was thinking was it a Fuji apple

was it a pink lady but the thing with Gwyneth is she kind of didn't get away with that because she was mocked globally yeah

well tell Liv Tyler her kid's called Sailor is she is it is it a boy or a girl I don't know that's the thing about Sailor

it's very versatile would you not just go for something would you not just call it Barry like Jesus Christ give these kids a chance the Bazinator

no vote Barry like even Otto I'm like Sierra Foxtrot Otto He sounds like a Met fucking Morse code Listen how about you Give these children a chance

How about you stop Slagging Otto Okay I'm not the one who Named him after a Morse code You are always Slagging Otto You're so mean about it

Sierra Sierra Foxtrot Otto I just can't do Anything technical No I can't do anything technical it's shocking really it's shocking I don't even know how I answered a landline

back in the day like I get thicker and thicker and thicker do landlines no I was about to say do landlines do landlines

cut that out here will I tell you something that happened to me this week okay so I guess I guess you must I I can't take the abuse of a seller anymore and quite frankly it's none of your business right go on guzzle that wine you're gonna need it um so I was driving along well I wasn't personally driving somebody was bringing bringing me to a job. And there was two vans in front of me, right? Like just worker men screaming at each other like proper road rage. And then they started throwing water at each other.

They were having a water fight, throwing water at each other. And I thought that is the nicest form of road rage I've ever seen. Yeah, it's cute. I once had a road rage incident um I feel like in London you have to be a bit pushy on the road this actually happened in Dublin when I was not being a very nice person and I basically gave someone flip the bird right thinking I was a smart arse I must have been about 18 drove into a petrol station and started filling up my car and your man followed me in and was basically like wrestling me at the pump trying to get the petrol thing out of my car because he was giving out to me so that was my road rage so aggressive I like the water thing

it's like throwing balloons at someone it's very it's very gentle yeah it's very gentle it's like throwing marshmallows at each other I like like it. I've never been involved in a road rage incident that I remember. But I did, I remember seeing one photo somewhere where someone had pissed them off park

and so they strapped a trolley to their car. Ooh. Yeah, like with one of those, do you know those wristbands that serial killers use to tie up women? What are they called, Jo?

Oh, yeah yeah the cable ties yeah all that shit that Jo has in the back see we can see yeah with your shovel and all hanging off

your back wall Jo cable ties they strapped a trolley onto this lad's car with a cable tie he drove home with a trolley on the back of his car

outside the pub at the end of your road in Battersea there's always because I sit there and write sometimes there's always shit kicking off on that corner I don't know what it is the planning must be really off there's always people beeping and giving out to each other on that corner I find it very

stressful because you're like where does it end I know well I do you know that road then upwards there's like a little bit that you have to drive through but it's just the right width for a car the amount of people that cannot get through that is shocking would you would you beep the horn work aside

would you like how many times would you say in your life you've beeped a horn on someone else be honest now be honest now

sometimes they're a friendly beep it's just a sometimes an aggressive not very often Jo what about you No I'm very calm

Yeah right Joe Are you Really Can you drive Joe Yes A car now Yeah You wouldn't know

What the fuck he'd be on Like do you want A penny fire thing Down there Excuse me I'm an amazing driver It's just not legal But I'm very good

You're not You're not an amazing driver. I refuse to believe it. Vogue, listen. There's things about me that surprise you all the time. I am an amazing driver. Very confident. I love driving. And I can turn corners and indicate all on my own.

You like to be driven. Just be honest about it. I also like to be driven. But I have to drive when I'm with you. No, no, no, no, no. I'm just waiting to get my test. Oh, it's so boring. But anyway,

so do you know what I did? I left the house yesterday to go in and do our work in progress. Yeah, so we're obviously getting ready to do the live. We're doing a live tour, as you know. And our first show is Electra Picnic on Sunday, whatever date. Beep, beep, beep.

Put that in, Jo. I'll have to. I'll have to. I'll have to. We're on the Picnic on Sunday, whatever date. Beep, beep, beep. Put that in, Jo. I'll have to. I have to. I have to. We're on, on the main stage on Sunday at EP. But what I will say. The 6th of, what's the date? I don't know. The 4th, I think. The 4th of September. But what I will say to you is I'm like, I kind of just thought that you like popped a few things into a notepad and then just went off on your way and did your tour. I'm quite shocked about how much work has to go into it.

I am. I know I always say I'm tired, but I'm especially tired after those three shows because that was three nights I didn't get to sleep till like half eleven. Vogue, I thought we talked about your sleeping patterns. Okay, I'm sorry. I just I only got five hours last night.

Vogue, Sleepy McWilliams. okay I'm sorry I just I only got five errors last night folks sleepy Mac Williams yeah so we we were doing a work in progress to get the show ready and and then I ended up staying at my friend Sophie's house

blah blah blah anyway came home today hadn't I left the iron plugged in oh god beside a load of books magazines and newspapers. I thank god my housemates don't listen

to this. Like they had a near death experience I don't even know about. And it was piping when I came home. And I was like firstly I'm so embarrassed that I pretended I was going to iron something. And secondly if Netflix check in to see if you're

still watching, would your iron not would your iron not check in you're still watching would your iron not would your iron not check in now Joanne would your iron not be like Joanne are you still pretending to iron okay stop lying to yourself and switch itself off

no it just stays on a treadmill turns up everything else turns itself off not an iron not an oven either not an oven do you know what always freaks me out I'm too scared to put the dishwasher on when I'm leaving the house because I'm like it will set the whole house up in flames and I'm like Not an iron. Not an oven either. Not an oven. Do you know what always freaks me out?

I'm too scared to put the dishwasher on when I'm leaving the house because I'm like, it will set the whole house up in flames. And I'm like, why do I think that? I think that's very fire safe to be aware of you. One of my friends,

her apartment burnt down through a phone charger. She will not plug her phone in at night now. You see fire trucks going around and on the side of them they have these huge things saying plug your phone out at night now not you see fire trucks going around and on the side of them they have these huge things saying plug your phone out at night don't charge your phone overnight

please don't say that to me but it's true and I was using so when my friend's apartment burnt down and she was so lucky why because you were there what did you leave on she left her phone charger on

and she woke up from the smell of the smoke because all the electric started spasming out the back of the house and so she was evacuated out of the house she nearly fucking burnt to death so

and at the time I was using one of these cheap chargers that was kind of like you know bits of wire coming out the top and it was kind of like slowly fizzing

when I plugged it in and she was saying you have to be so careful and since then I don't I try not to leave my phone charged overnight that's absolute bullshit

so it's the one who leaves the iron on for two days no I'm telling you if I can make a decision to do it I won't charge my phone overnight

my friend nearly fucking died I heard about somebody lying on their laptop charger and like they were drunk and they fell asleep

on their laptop charger and they got like a full burn all over their body from it but like I know myself your phone gets so hot like have you never felt your it's like a fucking microwave

on your ear that can't be good for you Jo is it good for you Jo? it's actually microwaves that they work on isn't it that's the that's the frequency that's the signal

that your mobile phone uses it's a microwave so I'm not calling I'm def calling frog. I'm defrosting myself. Is that what you're saying? Joanne, listen, the worst thing that you do is drink. So having your phone up to your head,

it doesn't matter because you're already polluting your insides. I can't concentrate because this wasp in here is going to sting me. I know it. Do you want to brush him out maybe? I'm too frightened. Out. No, he's gone mad. He's crazy. Do you want to brush him out maybe? I'm too frightened. I would be careful with him because they can sting you when they're dead.

What? Yeah, they come back from the dead. No, they don't. They do. I've opened the window. It's all very Pet Sematary. That's what I've heard. You'll stand on a wasp.

You'll think the job is done and then they'll kind of like creak back into existence. He's moving his bum around loads like he's looking to sting. That's what I heard. Maybe he's twerking. He's probably trying to seduce someone, Vogue.

No, he is getting ready to absolutely batter me. I've opened that window. Okay. Come here to me. Can I just touch on something? Please. Rita Ora she

is looking amazing have you seen her yeah fab bod she's rocking those abs yeah she looks great I love her clothes I love

everything about her I think her new husband looks really cool I kind of want to be friends with them they seem wild Rita Ora kind of confuses me a with them they seem wild Rita Ora kind of confuses me a little bit

like was it Rita Ora who got in all that trouble during COVID for having the party yes remember oh my god so I remember reading that

have we talked about this before Jo no I remember so they did it there was a she was front cover of the Sunday Times

literally four days after it happened so it happened that week and then the Sunday obviously Sunday and she was front cover and the Sunday Times had written on it yes happened so it happened that week and then the Sunday obviously Sunday and the Sunday and she was front cover and the Sunday Times had written yes we have decided to still run the story so obviously

she was booked you know the cover had been shot and the interview had been done before all that shit kicked off and in it they're like oh your birthday's coming up what do you plan to do? No! Yeah and she was like I'm just a really quiet person I just don't like really go out I don't like like I'm just a really quiet person I just don't like

really go out I don't like crowds I'm just gonna spend it with my mum and my family I'm really low level yeah like all this shit

and I was like I mean I know she wasn't gonna go I'm gonna go and go off my tits with a load of friends in Covent Garden but you think she go

like I just I hate the pretending I'm just re people think I'm a real party girl I'm so low key yeah but that was it people think I'm a real party girl but I'm actually really low key I'm just People think I'm a real party girl I'm so low key Yeah but that was it People think I'm a real party girl

But I'm actually really low key I'm just gonna spend it with my mom It's like Liar She is a party A party party girl Yeah but Grand

Like I have I have nothing but respect for that Because I love it But just Don't pretend You're fucking I'm just gonna be in a onesie Drinking a cup of coca

from my bedside hello and sorry someone's really flowing outside there's nothing I can do hello and welcome god it's so annoying when the staff are working Hello and welcome. God, it's so annoying when the staff are working. Shut up, Marcel!

There was one more thing in the news. I know these aren't proper topics, but like... We're just going to wing this. We have no communication pre-pod. Well, we have sent each other a lot of stuff, but like this... Just nudes and stuff. This baffles me, right? I feel like it's some kind of a cult

or something, allegedly. Let's just say that about everything, allegedly um and i don't know what's going on because it's it's the mind boggles nick cannon is set to father his 10th child just as his last girlfriend is expecting his ninth child and the other girlfriend before that just had the eighth child about two months ago like i don't understand i have to say firstly i've nothing but respect and admiration for your obsession with nick cannon vogue talks about him regularly and with great enthusiasm i am fascinated by him because i find him so i think he's like some kind of cult or something but Vogue

do you know the way you love having babies and you've loads of babies yeah so Nick has your want to have babies without the logistics

of physically having to have them if that was you you'd have kids swinging out of every fucking window in Jersey ah come on

I'm not gonna have like 10 kids people would think I'm crazy I would say how many do the Baldwins have she must be close she's going on to us again on to her seventh but like you know what i think

but i just nick cannon is with everybody so he must be like he's just like shooting like just going around with a fucking spray gun of sperm, yeah. I would say he's literally, like, before, when he meets a girl on a date, he's, instead of spiking her, he's like,

sticking an ovulation stick in her wind, or in her pulse, just to see, yeah, and then he's impregnating her on purpose. He's spiking women with babies, is what Nick Cannon

appears to be doing. I would be so frightened to even, like, look him in the eye. Give him a blowy, because I'd say you could get pregnant from

giving him a blowy. That man's going around with a turkey baster. Like, he is going, lean. Give him a blowy. Because I'd say you could get pregnant from giving him a blowy. That man's going around with a turkey baster. Like, he is going, lean back, don't worry about it. He doesn't need to. His is so strong, he doesn't even have to take off his trousers. If he just rubs against you, little dry ride, you're pregnant. Little dry ride, yeah.

I mean, is it a God complex? Potentially. He seems like a nice guy. Joanne and I were discussing dry riding, and we think we're going to bring it back. We're going to bring back the dry ride. We miss it. It's the foreplay for

your teenage years and I, to be honest, I've never had foreplay as good as when I couldn't actually have sex. Do you know what I mean?

Yeah. So we're bringing it back. My foreplay peaked at 17 in a field. I've never had foreplay. I've never been so gagging for it.

Oh God. After hours of dry ride anyway enough about my sex life for once I would like to talk about Sylvester Stallone

Sylvester where are they Sylv Sly Stallone Sylvester Stallone has clearly cheated on his wife

I mean do you think that's what it is oh well I mean her her maiden name is Flavin and she married

took his name Stallone and she's going back to Flavin no offence to any Flavins out there but that means he really fucked up because there's no way

you'd get you'd turn your back on Stallone you couldn't Cheryl Cole didn't even do that like there's names you on Stallone you couldn't Cheryl Cole didn't even do that like there's names you keep Stallone is a name you keep so he's obviously really fucked her off

so let's actually tell the story so after 25 years of marriage Sylvester Stallone and Jennifer Flavin are getting divorced and she's accusing him of hiding assets so she wants his shit and she has her own money apparently she's got a really good skincare line what's it called yeah dm her let's collab flavin but it is mad after 20 she could do with the business vogue i guess like for me after like

being together for that long if i was like like i don't know what age is he 300 if i was 300 i wouldn't be arsed he's actually he's 76 he looks good for 76 in fairness i just feel like he must be older you don't think so oh he looks he has the kind of like you know it's i mean he looks like what we look at 76 let's let's not lie it's that thing of i couldn't leave my face alone speak for yourself like do you know when you panel beat it's like the car do you know when you're like oh there's a little dent in the car tap tap tap tap tap and it just gets like

yeah yeah yeah yeah exactly yeah next thing you know it looks like a like a fucking box of tin foil just crumpled up that'll be us so that's what he's done you can tell so you know it's been tapping away and he's tapped it's one tap too far have you seen his mom she was like tap tap tap in a way it's jackie didn't she yes oh my god she i think she's is she dead joe oh she's dead. Oh, God. Well, Sylvester Stallone

is going to be dead because, you know what? She is going to whack him out of it. 25 years, he's gone. She is going to

take him for everything. Do you know that she, firstly, they have a child called Sistine, which I think you would appreciate.

Fantastic name. Yeah. Sistine Chapel, very Italian. Yeah, I read it as I read it as cistern like the toilet but whatever

yeah fine oh cistern's a lovely name as well actually cistern fuck all it's like calling your child banister like it makes no sense

cistern I like cistern have you met have you met my my toy my toy have you met my toy my toy

my toy my toy my toy my toy my toy my toy my toy my toy

my toy my toy my toy my toy my toy my toy my toy my toy

my toy my toy my toy my toy my toy my toy my toy my toy

my toy my toy my toy my toy my toy my toy my toy my toy

my toy my toy my toy my toy my toy my toy my toy my toy my toy my toy my toy my toy my toy my toy my toy my toy my toy my toy my toy my toy my toy my toy my toy have you met my child aga it's the aga like you can't you'd give them fucking name if i have another boy if i have another boy seriously though i'm gonna call him domestos like it's a great name it's a strong name i'll be like oh my god meet my daughter toilet duck um so i adore glass cleaner maybe I'll call it Mr Sheen hello Mr Sheen you don't like Otto okay

his new name is Mr Sheen I love Otto Sylvester yeah Sylvester right so he had a tattoo of

sorry what who's name who he had a tattoo of Jenny Flav what was his name Sylvester Sylvester has

Jennifer Flav and his wife tattooed her whole face tattooed on his arm and people started getting suspicious when he got it covered up

with the face of his dog and this is why I love publicists and I say this I say this out of love because I was one his public they were like

is Sylvester divorced and his wife and his publicist is like why are you asking he's like well he's covered her face up with the face of a dog on his arm it's a little bit suspicious and his publicist was like, why are you asking? He's like, well, he's covered her face up with the face of a dog on his arm.

It's a little bit suspicious. And his publicist was like, no, no, no. He went in to get a touch up on Jennifer to spruce it up and it just didn't work out. So he just said,

fuck it, I'll cover it with the dog. Fair enough. Oh my God. Do you know what TV show is coming back? Gladiators. Oh my God. Do you know what TV show is coming back? Gladiators. Oh my God.

Vogue. That's what we used to say. Neil used to do that to us. Vogue. You will go on my first whistle. And you would run. You would run

if Neil was getting like it. Neil was like. I love the way we make out Neil as, like, Mussolini. Like, we're all terrified of Neil. Do you want? Sorry,

Neil is folk's stepfather, just for anyone who's kind of, like, randomly tuned in at this stage. Neil is my stepdad. And he, yes, he was,

like, Mussolini. You would go, my first whistle. Yeah. Emma, you go, oh my.

And we'd be like, oh my god. I told you about when he stuffed the packet of biscuits in Amber's mouth. No, that's abuse, Vogue. We're trying to have a nice time. Amber was being greedy and she wanted the biscuits and he didn't like

backchat was the only thing he didn't like and he got the biscuits and stuffed them into her mouth. Another time, my friend Ashley came over and she spilled some breakfast cereal on the floor. And keeping in mind, our two dogs would walk around the kitchen floor. And she went to pick them up, put them in the bin. And he's like, what are you doing? That floor is clean.

And she's like, she had to eat the breakfast cereal from the floor now i would like to say he's really calmed down like you've met him since but if you write if you rang my house past 10 o'clock past nine o'clock at night when we were younger you it was over i was finished we were all just having a really nice time telling Neil stories, Whistle, and then it just really took a turn and now I think we should call the guards. I told you he's really calmed down. He's calmed down. I really like Neil,

I have to say. I love an elder man. I find them, I kind of gravitate towards them. It's obviously because my dad's dead, but I do gravitate towards them. I find them very wise of gravitate towards them it's obviously because my dad's dead but I do gravitate towards them I find them very wise quite attractive

wow what was what would the oldest you'll be what age is what age is Neil no I can't no

do you know what the oldest I'd go is go on happiness oh my god vomit off no

98 if he was loaded yeah did you see your man So did you see What's the play point The older the better In that case I know

You're like One ride And this house is mine One violent ride I'll shake this lad Into the grave And then all This will be mine

I think you And Sylvester Right These are obviously Into the same tweakments He's 78 He hasn't got long left into the same tweakments. He's 78. He hasn't got long left. Go on.

You go in there. He's yours. Sylvester. We do kind of, we have started to kind of look alike. Vogue, I want to know what your royal name is. Do you know the way sometimes things tickle you and you're like,

I just find it really entertaining. Yeah, go on. Your royal name is do you know the way sometimes things tickle you and you're like I just find it really entertaining yeah go on your royal name okay you told me I had to figure this out so I need to see the thing you sent me so it's one lord or lady so you would be lady would I oh yeah well I mean it's 2022 you can be whatever you want I'll be lady yeah your. Your pet's name. Which one? Can they be dead? What? Are you going to deny Winston?

No, it's fucking Winston. Okay, fine, Winston. Fine. I want it to be monkey. I had a cat called monkey. The last thing you ate? Spencer. So far, we're lady monkey Spencer. So far we're Lady Monkey Spencer. Poor Spenny has a...

Because I've been getting home late from the shows and I know that he wants to fornicate. And I literally, I'm like, please don't make me. I'm so tired. Please don't make me. Tell you what, he's going to get it tonight. I'll tell you that much for sure. Anyway,

so Lady Monkey Spencer. Lady Monkey Spencer of, and then it's the last place you shopped. Lady Monkey Spencer, Marks and Spencer. So Lady Monkey Spencer of Marks and Spencers is your aristocratic royal name. That sounds good.

Yes. So mine is Lady Brendan Falafel of Applegreen. So I don't have a pet, but my friend Sue, I love her dog and his name's Brandon, so I just use Brandon. Lady Brendan Falafel of Applegreen. Joe, what's yours?

Okay, so help me. Lord. Lord. What's your pet's name? Rufus. Lord Rufus. The last thing you ate uh cheese lord rufus cheese such a man just chewing a block of cheese yeah i basically was yeah i was no bread mad bastard last place you shopped joe eso so your. So you're Lord Rufus Cheese of Esso.

Yeah, that's not bad. Lord Rufus Cheese of Esso. I like mine the best because it's mine. Sometimes when I do this Look My nose looks like a dick Look Look Doesn't that look like a dick?

Are you sure you haven't been drinking? It seems like you've got to get the white clothes Have you been watching the The Olivia Wilde Jason Sudeikis And Harry Styles I fancy Harry Styles so much Stop

Please Oh come on I can't deal with another person Fancying Harry Styles I know I can't help it I'm not Like don't get me wrong

I do think he is sexy But I just feel it's It's just It's Expect Jo do you fancy Harry? You'd have a little twirl Joe would you have a bit of

buy in you now or would you be like any buy in you Joe I'm afraid not no it's just it's just the one way for me are you sure now

come on have a drink no I'm I'm sure I'm grand any have you ever had a little no our director we have a director for the live show and she was like accusing me I'm sure. I'm grand. Any, have you ever had a little? No.

We've a director for the live show and she was like accusing me of being like 100% straight and I was like, I find that offensive.

Um, you know, she was saying Vogue is straighter than you and I was like, well, if I'm 100%, what's Vogue?

Oh my God, excuse me, I've done way more stuff than you have. It felt insulting to know when someone's like, you're so straight, it feels like kind of gown, you're so basic Joanne, Joanne, be honest

with yourself, be honest with yourself who is gayer out of the two of us? It's definitely me. It's me I don't know Vogue. Are you sure? Joanne. Well, have you had any gay experiences? Yes I have had gay experiences. I don't

mean having a lesbian sister. Have you had any personal gay experiences of yourself, of your own? You can't lean on Amber for kudos Have you yourself gone down on a woman? No Spencer once said to me he was like are just all of your

friends gay? And I was like, no, no. And he was like, okay, name two straight friends. I was like, Amber. And then he was like, Amber's a lesbian. Yes, they're all gay, okay? Except Joanne, she's the straightest girl I know. See, the way she laughed, it's like an insult. It's basically saying

you've no imagination it's embarrassing I don't know I reckon I could have I don't know I reckon I have a little bit of gay for the stay in me you know

no you don't if I went to prison I'd be full blown gay I'd just be before I even got in there I'd be gay in the van going there

I'd be like right fuck it gay for the stay starts now I'd just got in there I'd be gay in the van going there I'd be like right fuck it gay for the stay starts now I'd just be in there pawing away at myself that's all I'd do with the handcuffs clinking away in the back of the van Jesus Christ you couldn't even wait to get to her own cell this place is haunted

there's just handcuffs clinking around the place now that's about Williams paw pouring herself in the sand next door. Choke, I know I've been drinking. You're acting very strange. I'm very, because I've drank for four days in a row

with you, I'm like, I'm kind of, there's something wrong with me. I'm not working properly. And now, and my family, I'm in Jersey at the moment.

Oh my God, I love Jersey so much. I know I have to stop talking about it, but my God, I love Jersey so much. I know I have to stop talking about it, but I do. I love Jersey so much. I love this for you because when this was originally on the cards, you were so against it. I absolutely love it here. Yeah. And now this is so cool. I love that you love it. I want everyone to come over. It's just, it's so relaxing. So my family are coming here now for the first time. Well, my mom's been here once and, and, uh, but my brother and stuff

are coming over and like I know I'm gonna have to have a few drinks again but that's my fifth day but you're gonna be up the duff again in about six days fucking milk it while you can I have to be honest I'm not I'm not actually sure if there will be another child I actually love that Vogue had a little insight into kind of the world of like shows and stage and all that jazz because she saw as in the like post show and pre-show and the kind of anxiety and the adrenaline and the drink here and the drink there and I feel like she kind of I feel like you understand me a little bit more now do you know what I actually I didn't respect you as much before.

Yeah, I knew that. Honestly though, when she's on stage and I was like, God, I'd hate to do that. I'd hate to do that. And actually, thank God I have you up there beside me because I just try to copy you. So go Joe, I'm telling you, Vogue is going to be nominated for Edinburgh Best Newcomer next year

and I'm going to fucking throw myself off a bridge. Do you want to be anything to say Vogue's won Best New Comedian at the Edinburgh Fringe? Has she, eh? Is that a bus? Hold on while I throw myself in front of it. It would still be my worst career

ever. I would hate it oh look there's Vogue on live at the Apollo hey well I'm in an asylum in a straight jacket just kicking the telly

thank you so much for listening we've been Earth Harp has ghosted me please vote for us in the Irish Podcast Awards vote

in the Irish Podcast Awards vote in the Irish podcast awards that is very exciting cut that fucking screech you know you sounded like when you know

when witches when they turn into the rats that's what you sounded like I love witches so much you know you can

go to that hotel it's in Cornwall no yeah we should go When your one turn The most terrifying thing Was remember your one

Got trapped in the painting Oh my god Yes And she'd move around And tap tap tap Oh So sad What a way to go

Vogue was a lovely person How'd she go Was a concert No she got trapped in a painting Oh my god So sad Vogue was a lovely person. How'd she go? Was a concert? No, she got trapped in a painting. Oh my God, so sad.