My Therapist Ghosted Me - Sex Ban, Teletubbies & Getting "Pretty Woman-ed"

Episode Date: January 14, 2022

In the last episode for this season, (don't worry... There's an EXTRA episode on Wednesday and Season 3 will be here in February!) Vogue & Joanne discuss disturbing children's television, suspicious shop security and the reason why Spencer didn't like what he heard during the latest visit to the doctor! If you'd like to get in touch, you can send an email to [e-mail] more information about Joanne's gigs, just visit www.joannemcnally.comThank you!

Welcome to my therapist ghosted me with me. I actually Joe sorry I forgot Joe wants me to do a little poll to see if people want the intro back or not like I mean it's tomato tomato shit you know what I mean it doesn't really matter people have bigger fish to fry. I think it matters to Joe. Joe's the only one it matters to of course because we're trying to erase them out of the business basically Jo you should be happy you've got less shit to do it's true less of a job look at you Joanne your mom's house obviously the heating isn't broken there I'm absolutely freezing got a hot water bottle two jumpers on it's super mild

over here at the moment do you know what's like I'm not going to go down the climate change route but just to flag on New Year's Eve in London I ate a calippo on my way to the show

like I was practically smothering myself in chip oil to get a tan and it was like eight o'clock at night it was so warm it was crazy it's warm here

but it's like my house is cold at night it was so warm it was crazy it's warm here but it's like my house is cold I'm just permanently freezing and then I spilled all that nail water on my hand on my crotch so I just had to put on my pajama bottoms oh it's been trying to get onto this call was a nightmare quarter to one because Theodore came home I was getting my nails done he forced me to paint his nails before I could leave the room now he wants to wear the nails to nursery and then I spilled the nail stuff on my on my crotch then I had a wet crotch and I was going to sit here and do it with the wet crotch and I thought no it's too wet it's beyond damp. Can't believe for like five minutes in you've already referred to yourself as wet damp crotch. I love that Theodore is so metro. Is he getting

shellacks? What's he getting? Little stannos? He got a little blue polish. If you love him with Cardi B nails, that would be quite the statement. What an iconic kid. I feel like he'd cry if I put them on. I would as well. He'd like them for a minute. He'd like them for a minute. But he does he has pink pajamas

which he insisted on. Then he saw Gigi with sparkly shoes. He now wants glittery shoes. I get it. We all want pink sparkly shit. What we actually want is gay babies. Let's be real.

We all want a gay baby. Well, I have three now, so one of them, hopefully. If you were so much better off if one of your sons is gay, that's what I think. Because I think gay sons have a much better relationship

with their mother. Whether that be a stereotype or not. But I think that's true. It is true. Yeah. And we've enough gay friends to know that. Yeah. All our gay friends are much closer to their moms than our straight friends.

Actually, well, Spenny's a bit of a mommy's boy. He's really close to his mom. He rings his mom a couple of times a day. I'm really close to his mom. So I'd either have a Spenny or I'd rather a gay. I'd definitely rather a gay than spenny when I first moved to London I said to you who's your best friend here and you went to Spencer's mother and I was like you need help excuse me Jane would be one of my very good friends yeah

you were like Jane's my bestie and I was like you need to get out of the house I have lots of besties you well I nearly dumped you before you actually corrected yourself after your show and humiliated me in front of a full auditorium. They're still doing it. So, Jo, in the show, I think we talked about this, but in the show I talk about my two best friends, blah, blah, and then every time they're like. I was sitting there and everyone just turned around.

I was like, wow, this feels good. Look at that pathetic loser. She didn't say she was her friend friend I denied you three times for the cock crew like Judas I was like Vogue who Vogue what Vogue where I think it's important to have a few best friends of course you're always saying this to me I know Vogue I know you share your time amongst a lot of friends I don't have you all to myself Vogue's like yeah Joanne I have a lot of friends yeah it's important to share I've got a lot of I've got a lot of close friends that are very close to me

Amber is my best friend Spencer says I can't have her as my best friend because she's my sister no that doesn't matter very close friend of mine

what have you I want to know about your week first you talk about your week because I've literally I sat in my house and made soup it's my only weekend off

until April May you see sorry but like I find that fascinating like so you do make stuff for yourself you don't just eat sambos I'm trying because I'm starting to film and clear history on Thursday I'm trying to get the Christmas out of my face so you made like some shy soup with nothing in it no so I made like a delicious carrot. I just need to kind of clean out my face, you know, like de, what's it called? Depuff. I need to depuff.

I'm trying to depuff my face. I'm trying to depuff my mind, my cell. I'm trying to depuff. So I'm drinking soup. I'm going for little walks, little trots around the place, trotting around.

A run walk? A little run walk, been to the gym, just kind of touched things. I like, when I'm getting back into the gym, I don't like to do anything on the first the gym, just kind of touched things. I like, when I'm getting back into the gym, I don't like to do anything on the first day.

I just kind of re-equate myself with, I just kind of touch the equipment and then obviously sanitary. Joanne, Joanne has a very entertaining way of training herself. It's good that you have Joanne Belton because if you see her,

she'll like, she'll do like four kettlebell swings and she'll move on to something else. Then another thing and she could be doing 15 different things in the gym. I'm more like a casual trainer. I just feel good being there, you know, I just like getting out of the house. And then I'll do four kettlebells and look at my Fitbit to see like, have I fucking got an ab yet? I'll be like, oh, my God.

Well, I have to put like my proper training on the back burner. Because you're right well i went to the doctor the other day and uh so i'm on a sex ban while i go to the maldives i'm lying there with a probe in me right and the doctor says you can't have sex for two weeks until you get back so i can keep an eye on it and spencer's face, and he was like, excuse me, excuse me, what, Dr. Vasse? Like, we were looking at my cervix, and every time I laughed, which was like constant when he was going on about it, it was getting more open and more open, which is the problem.

And basically, she was like, you can't have sex for two weeks. And what the fuck am I going to do with myself? Well, I know what I'll do with myself. You know what you'll do, yeah. you're pulling away behind the lilo um I'm but I'm confused is I thought that was kind of an urbaner that like I mean excuse my ignorance but is he saying that Spencer could potentially loosen the child so basically it's her Dr Vso she's this greek woman um so basically my cervix is a little bit open so i have to be like careful are you in an extended labor now basically and you're going to the maldives i'm allowed to go swimming uh i'm not

allowed to go like for fast walks or anything like that i can do my johns like my resistance bands and stuff like that but i can't do high impact stuff not that I was doing it anyway but oh my god imagine you went running in the Maldives and just dropped out what would you do I know you'd be like mommy's got 5k left mommy will be back I'll be back in 17 minutes this is how obviously people have toilet babies yeah possibly well another baby just slips into the toilet did you see um two things to say one this is probably not really actually that funny they found a baby in the bin in the air in the airplane did you hear about that i know bin babies i know but people do that all the time and they find them a lot like it's terrible

it's fucking terrible I have to say now I don't know I'm just going to say it I would love to be a bin baby like can you imagine the material you get out of that a bin baby

yeah imagine the material like the books the films fuck Philomena they'd be like Joanne McNally the bin baby

that's kind of that's kind of when theatre is being really bold I'm like I've got to put you in the bin do you want to go in the bin will we put you in the bin and i like pretend to lift him up in the bin i can do that for you from late to the pod folks you're going in the bin you're definitely going in the brown bin john theanne. The brown bin. Yeah, I'm going to be recycled. I'm adopted.

I'm already recycled. Recycle me again. You're very sustainable. You are. Very sustainable. Yeah. If anyone ever tries to tell you otherwise, just say no. I wanted to, speaking of sustainability, did you see Leonardo DiCaprio?

Yeah. I love when they pick them up on that. When he goes on about saving the world and everything like that, I'm like, save the planet, save the planet. And then he's sitting on this yacht that like in seven miles of sailing, it releases more emissions than a car does for a year. I also, like, I get it. And I get that we love poking holes in people's kind of performative.

We're all hypocrites. That's the thing. Like, you know, it does make, when I look at him on his yacht, and people's kind of performative we're all hypocrites that's the thing like it does make when I look at him on his yacht it does make me kind of go I'm so glad I fucking washed out that yogurt pot yesterday with the Brillo pad for the environment Leo

that one's for you babes how many yogurt pots do I have to clean to offset that bullshit but also if I had that kind of money I'd hardly be reclining on a Lilo I'd be on a fucking super yacht as well probably I put a jar of pesto in the dishwasher the other day and Fanny was like why is this in here I was like listen I'm not having the recycling where you again because Spencer is like convinced that nothing actually gets recycled if I want to wash out the hand packet I'm washing out the hand packet it gives me inner peace it just makes me

feel calm I'm no saint but I do I do wash my rubbish my ex used to say it's the only thing I cleaned in the house was my own rubbish I somehow believe that yeah I was I was very caught up by cleaning it's a guilt thing but like you say oh this is my point about Leo he's on a super yacht we're sitting at home like mugs cleaning out our yogurt cartons however if I had his level of cash I'm sorry I'd be sitting on the yacht right beside him yeah or rent something that's already there like rent the ceiling stand-alone he doesn't even rent shit like that like that will be somebody else's yacht he's invited on like this 300 million pound yacht he's in St. Bart's and his girlfriend I saw her she is like she is just unreal doesn't

he just date exclusively 24 year olds and then she is 24 yeah they're all like it's like when ricky gervais said at the golden globes he was like this awards ceremony goes on for so long that leonardo di caprio's date will be too old for him by the end of it i don't get it though i don't get like i know we've spoken about that before but like i don't know it though I don't get like I know we've spoken About that before But like I don't know

There's just not They wouldn't wash out Their yogurt pots Ah they would That younger generation Are like They're more environmentally They still live with

Their moms and stuff Like they're just really young They're like 21, 22 It's too young No Leo I would say with Leo He doesn't want A wife, children

None of that shit so it's easy to go for younger girls who don't want anything from him he's they're not gonna ask him ask anything of him i said but like he's been with this girl for like four years now i reckon she could be the one really that 24 year old no yeah yeah she's an actress she's a she's al pacino i know way too much about this shit uh she is al pacino's um always thought i'd end up putting myself but i'm too old uh al pacino's niece or something like that no way an absolute ride i saw them walking on the beach the other day not like here not like the fucking i saw them walking on my local beach i saw them in the daily mail walking on the beach and leo was talking to

his friend and she was just like wandering around in the background like a lost child. I'd be happy to just wander around after him like a lost puppy. He could call me Shadow. I'd just hang there behind him. They're just all

really skinny really young models. Joanne what's this new setting you're in? mother's kitchen very nice light you should consider doing it more often in there she is going to come to your house well folks oh lucky you i know so i got pretty woman's this last week, actually. Go on.

I went shopping and it was in the, like everyone's having sales and stuff like this. And I will just say, it's not even a brand that I would ever usually shop at. And I was actually just being kind because it was empty, that shop. When I went in for- Fear him out, fear him out. Next, next, next.

What was next? Marks andx and spencer and i went in though and i picked up this dress and it was gorgeous like but it was like a woolen kind of day dress which kind of was a bit weird anyway well you don't want a woolen day dress but i picked it up and um like a summery kind of dress and literally the saleswoman goes to me that's two and a half thousand pounds i was like excuse me now in fairness i looked in the mirror and i did look like i could rob something but i thought you went back with all your brillo pads i went big mistake huge mistake i started flinging brillo pads in her face You'll fucking regret this I'm without Brillo pads Williams Big mistake Huge

The absolute arsehole I nearly wanted to just say Yeah I'll fucking I'll fucking take it And then get my auntie To take it back later Yeah of course I'll be returning this

In half an hour What time's your clothes Yeah What time is your shift over Because I'll take it. I've experienced those kind of snobby shop women as well. It's like, sorry, hon, you can't afford this shit either. Like, I don't know why you're getting snobby with me.

I know. Do you know what, though? It's why I prefer doing my pretend shopping at home. Like, I go on Net-A-Porter and I'm like, yeah, I'm not going to spend that on that. Like, 900 quid on the coat, you're all right, but I'll put it in my basket. And I feel happy and content with it but I'm not going to a shithole like that to be told how much things are before I'm fairly touched. What did you say to her? I just was like okay thanks yeah I was like it's not that nice. Yeah you're like it's not worth it. And scurried over

to the sale rack. You're like I have a personal preference for clothes that children have made. So I remember once I used to get followed around in shops quite a lot, as you can imagine. And one time I remember I took a photo of it somewhere. This guy was like, it's actually so rude. Like, I understand that they need to keep an eye on shit, but like being followed around. It's so rude. But I don't like that. But I also don't like people who are too enthusiastic.

Oh, I know. You want the middle ground. It's like Australia. I remember Sydney was terrible for that. Yeah. It's like you're too friendly. Yeah, it's weird. There's a guy in Pret-a-Manger in Leicester Square like that as well.

I'm like, this lad needs to calm the fuck down. This lad needs his annex. It's too much. It's too American. I don't like it. I like to be, it's like a relationship. I like to be politely ignored. Yeah, exactly.

Just say hello. Leave me to go and try some bits on. And if I need a different size, I'd love if you'd come and get it for me. But don't overwhelm me yeah but don't overwhelm me because I don't want to be forced into buying something yeah stop shadowing me I was um one time I was in a shop and your mom was following me around it was like I'd walked in with a bat of clava and a hammer like he was just being so rude about it but I realized I was

I can't remember was I I can't remember was I moving house god knows what I was doing basically I think my handbag Had broken Something I Anyway I had a black bag I had a black sack Like a burglar Full of shit That might have been why

He was following you around I might as well have walked in With like a ladder and a torch I was like Oh that might be a problem But yeah Now that I don't Rob thinks anymore

I get a great kick out of getting eye contact with the security guards as I go out I'm like yeah innocent yeah innocent no eyeliners in here Hunzo I find that if you go into like sometimes I'll wander into Chanel but like honestly that some of that stuff on resale like a woolly hat is 900 quid. I saw a bucket hat on a secondhand shop yesterday for 700 quid, a Chanel one. It's nice. It's an absolute disgrace. Anyway, I went into the shop there

and it was like, Svenny was buying me my first ever bag from there. And I was delighted and I was so excited. And we went to the one in Paris. I have never felt like such a thief in my life like I think you have to like leave your bag to a side like this I think they assigned a security person to me you can't do and it's very unenjoyable they assigned a security person to you it felt like that I felt like I was being trailed I must start I must get out of my leggings and tracksuits

but like all the yummy mummies wear leggings like no one's going in do you have to dress up to go into a shop I feel like you have to dress up to go shopping

or else you're going to get pretty womaned now in fairness when I go through the airport and I walk by the Tom Ford stand I see the Tom Ford and that's pretty expensive for a student

so I go and drown myself in it someone always will come over and they're like do you want to buy some I'm like no what the hell made you think that yeah that's not okay this is how scabby I am when I'm going to the airport I'll go to put my perfume on and go oh I'm about to walk into an apothecary an apothecary an apothecary what's it called Jo an apothecary apothecary apothecary I'm about to walk into a like an apothecary. An apothecary. What's it called, Jo? An apothecary. Apothecary. Apothecary. Apothecary.

I'm about to walk into like an apothecary. A perfume factory. Why would I waste two squirts of my Jo Malone, which is worth nine grand? No thanks. That's what I do. Go for the Tom Ford.

That's a really expensive one. It's 300 quid a bottle. Is it? I know that because we're all pooling. We're all pooling together to get Alexander one for his birthday present

and Spenny of course is like I'll just buy it for him I'm like shut up you his brothers and sisters are buying it we're pooling together you're doing a whip around for Alzo and it's Tom Ford I'll chip in a tenner put me on the cart I do get kind of

nervous though still going through airport security. I'm like, shit, am I a drug mule and I've just forgotten? Because it's so tense. Do you know when you beep, you're like, oh my God, am I smuggling heroin? I just totally forgot. I don't have a great memory. I find airport security funny.

I had a thing, an incident recently. I'm not going to say the airport, but basically I was going through with my sister. Dublin. Shannon. No, I'm not saying where it the airport, but basically I was going through it with my sister. Dublin, Shannon, Maudie, Gatwick, Heathrow, London City. Heathrow is actually very good. The airport in your basement, the private one. The chopper pad on the roof. But I was going through and I got called back at security.

I heard someone say, Vogue, blah, blah, blah. The name of my passport is actually Wilson. Vogue Wilson, back to security, please. And I was like, what the fuck? And I went back, and one of them goes, did you forget something? Like this woman that I hadn't been dealing with. I'd had a real laugh with the other woman at security, myself and Amber did. This other woman was like, did you forget something?

And I was like, yeah, sorry. It was my watch, blah, blah, blah. And she's like, what watch is it? I mean, it was dead. And I was like, explain the watch. watch blah blah and she's like what watch is it I mean it was dead and I was like explain the watch and she goes now remember that won't you won't you remember you'll remember what we did for you won't you and I was like sorry what and she was like you'll remember that now we we gave you that back security gave you your watch back that you forgot and I was like that's literally their job okay and I kind of walked off and the woman who had obviously found it was at a different security lane and I was like that's literally their job okay and I kind of walked off and the woman who had obviously found it was at a different security lane and I was like thanks a million I

got it blah blah blah and then your other one comes up again and she goes now put that up on your socials and remember what we did to you and thank us and I was like what I was like why am I in so much trouble for forgetting my watch special shout out to Gatwick airport for not fleecing my watch insecurity so brave blessed it may or may not have been Gatwick I know and like give me a shout out like no do you ask everybody else that pop us up there on your Instagram as you know I couldn't I had one of those bizarre nights last night where i just couldn't sleep i was tossing and turning until like half six in the morning so what were you doing till half six you do you know what you had your you had your laptop on well of course that's why you need to i've told you about creating a sleep space for yourself. I can't. I need someone talking to me as I fall asleep.

And it's clearly never going to be a man. So I have to listen to documentaries about toot and come in. That's where you're wrong. Get the Calm app. You can have Ryan Gosling and Harry Styles talk you to sleep. I'd rather have one of the, I'd rather have an Egyptologist. Because then I dream that I've discovered toot and calm. Like, whatever. Look look we've discussed it

before, you know the vibe I don't like to just sleep, I like to become an archaeologist at night and then go on digs, which is what I spend my time digging at night While you're sleeping, I'm making history okay? I used to listen to the Harry Styles on cam until it

got too explicit, I had to stop it My dreams just became too full on, I was waking up wrecked Really? Do you have a thing for Harry Styles on cam until it got too explicit. I had to stop it. My dreams just became too full on. I was waking up wrecked. Really? Do you have a thing for Harry Styles? I didn't know I did, but yes, I do. It seems I have a thing

for almost everything right now. And he goes for elder women. He does. He seems quite happy with your one though. Olivia Wilde. Disappointing. Olivia, that's a stage name. I'm absolutely raging that I didn't think to have to create a stage name for myself why

what would you be well you're Vogue imagine I call myself Cosmo oh that would have worked out really well Marie Claire if we were about magazine covers Elle you could be L take a break farmer's journal come on horse in hand let's go come here to me why do you only have JOA on your stage I know I keep forgetting to explain it so basically um the setting for the stage is JOA because at the time when I't, when I first did my Vicar Street, my first Vicar Street, I couldn't afford the NNE because they're really expensive. That's actually kind of cute. The JOA is still there, but I forget that when I go out on stage, I'm supposed to explain why that isn't finished. Why haven't you got the NNE I think my joke was something like

oh I wish E's were still a fiver because I couldn't afford the E at the end of Juan something like that I can't remember inflation E's are now a grand sorry what I was saying was so I couldn't sleep and I was tossing and turning in and out of digging up toot and camoon but then

I came across this hilarious article about the Teletubbies so oh I saw that this article the Atlantic about it and it was like she's like I've got some I've got questions about the Teletubbies basically the Teletubbies have been rebooted did you know that I know we watched the Teletubbies in this house they've been rebooted Jo so do you you remember the original ones they televisions in their valleys yeah and no one really knew the deal they lived in this kind of like um dome yeah they look like they're basically in isolation if you look at it now through a 2022 lens they're basically quarantining together and this voice would tell them like what to do telly tubbies go to sleep telly tubbies it's quite psychedelic and weird and trippy yeah but kids absolutely love it but the reboot they've turned their tellies into touch screens and they have

little babies like they've little tiddly tubbies now they've had little kids which is weird because they've no genitals and they have tubby toast oh god but then it got me thinking about this kind of because i was like to make children's tv you'd need to be you can't need to be a bit fucked in the head well you you made me look into it so like gg loves the teletubbies but then there's this thing called in the night garden watch like eat honestly you'd actually quite like it you are it's like it's made by a load of stoners it's actually made by the same people as Teletubbies. It's the weirdest, weirdest show. But then I was looking into them and there's this fella, right?

Bippy. He fucking, he honestly, he scares the shit out of me. I'm trying, or Blippi. I'm trying not to get Shishi to watch it because I just, it kind of freaks me out. He makes 8.2 million quid a year. Blippi.

Doing what? Being Blippi. what? being Blippi the wiggles you know the wiggles yeah very strange they're worth over 50 million we're in the wrong career

we're in the wrong career we should be putting on and what's his name Mr. Tumble loaded foam costumes and it's all the sets are always

kind of built out of pool noodles it's all like soft and also I was thinking about the Tally Tull Beats it has aged very well yeah

it has it's not like Sex and the City where you go back and like Tinky Winky is a man with a handbag ahead of his time

I know yeah that is very true well actually you don't really know which is a boy which is a girl but Tinky Winky

does remind me he has a man's voice yeah but so do we. There's loads of stuff going around that said that the Egyptians didn't build the pyramids, it was the aliens. I reckon the Tally Tullys

had something to do with it, to be totally honest. After that three-hour compilation I watched last night, those fuckers are up to something I can tell you basically I ended up my story my point is I ended up watching a three hour compilation of the Tally Tubbies last night

absolutely hypnotic shit so the Tally Tubbies Twitter has clearly been taken over by a woman in her 30s it's like the last ones. Do not disturb is on. Tinky Winky is celebrating National Bubble Day. And he's there with his handbag in the bath with cucumbers over his eyes. And then they're doing this.

They dress them up as Billie Eilish. They're really trying to stay relevant. Oh, my God. And then their newest resolutions are Tinky Winky. Start every day with a balanced breakfast. Poe, find center and balance. This is how I knew. I was like,

this is clearly a woman in her 30s. How was Capricorn season being treating you? This is the Teletubbies. It's all in the details. I can't, not I'm too busy.

We'll do anything for their squad. Alexa, play material girl. It's all gone a bit strange. They were front cover TV times. Listen,

they're not going anywhere. Not going anywhere. They've really, they've done a Madonna on it. They've really managed to rebrand in a very relevant way for a place them but like peppa pig makes an absolute fortune that girl who was peppa pig's voice she actually got swapped out recently because she got too old makes an absolute fortune and you know that singer freya ridings her dad is daddy pig i don't know anything about that now i will say something

peppa can sometimes be a little bitch to her dad and when Theodore used to watch it he would be really mean to Spencer sometimes. Really? Yeah. I do wonder are they brainwashing our children?

Like the time for Tally Tubby is time for time for bed. Like it does feel like they're trying to teach them how to be compliant. There's surely a message in it somewhere. The only flaw with Tally Tubby

I think is that it's no longer body positive because it's Tally Tubbies. Although maybe that is body positive. If they changed it to Tally Tours House

I'd be very upset. They need to stand their ground. Stick with Tally Tubbies. The OGs. Tally Tubbies. Oh my God, I never even thought about that. Spencer's new nickname

for Gigi is Tuba. And she actually, he was like asking her the other day in the bath, what's your name? What's your name? And she's like, Tuba, Tuba, Tuba. That's what she was saying. Speaking of Sheezy, she is an escape artist. She's been cliff diving. I came home the other day and she goes down at half one and at about 10 to two, she started crying. And I was like, that's really

unusual. And I walked into her room, opened the door there. She is standing in front of me. really unusual and I walked into her room opened the door, there she is standing in front of me, she had obviously got onto the side of her cot and flipped over and then she had this big mark under her eye and on her head you need to get her into the gymnastics I know

she can go to the Olympics imagine swinging out of a fucking, what is it, a balance board doing the hoops Swinging out of a fucking, what is it, balance board? Doing the hoops. James and Brian came over for dinner. Let's talk about this because you're somebody who's always on time, which is very, no one would ever guess that about Joanne.

No. She's very timely. My secret power, yeah. Yeah, it's a good one. James and Brian, right, Spenny texted and and i was like well he's come over a quarter past one lunch will be ready at half one they sent a message back and they said oh we'll be there we'll be there in half one we'll be there and then james sent me a message a quarter to two of a picture of john brian paying for something in a shop in a clothes shop i was like where are you

two oh we thought you just wanted us to come over for a chat at quarter past one. I'm like, who gives a shit? We told you to come over at quarter past one. They are constant. They're the worst. They're the worst, yeah. They're always, always late. Yeah, I know.

They are the worst. Does anyone know who they are? I feel like we talk about them and no one has a fucking clue. We just talk about them like people know. I feel like people do know them. Because when I was in the house the other day and i was like posting pictures of their bathroom and stuff everyone's like oh are they your fancy friends i was like yes they are we've given them a platform and i was reading this article and it was talking about vikings didn't have horns on their helmets apparently they were too cool for them so the horns were like a it's the kind of people the

generation before them or whatever the civilization for them they didn't were like the kind of people the generation before them or whatever the civilization before them they didn't have horns and they were too cool kind of like hipster socks vibes. And then I was like that's interesting.

I wonder what else do we think is true that isn't true? Oh yeah. I love some of these. I saw them on your Instagram. So I'm going to do the official ones first.

Oh here we go. Carrots do not improve your vision. A lot of these are lies that your parents tell you. I think carrots just have a really good publicist.

They do nothing for your vision at all. I used to hide in the cupboard under the stairs after eating carrots to see if I could see. And I never could.

Okay. Blind as a fucking bat. Oh, that's the other one. Bats are not blind. Are they not? Bats have really good vision carrots do not make you see but I was like

what a good publicist I want that carrots publicist imagine thinking that if you eat you you get a superpower I'd be like eat vogue and you can fly wouldn't that be amazing

Spencer would have done about seven laps of the world at this stage I'm so glad my mom has not learned how to listen to this podcast yet he pops his head up am I flying yet no get back down there oh my god you keep munching hang on I want to go back to the bats are you sure that they have good vision bats have excellent vision and excellent hearing apparently sugar does not make your kids hyper that's bullshit oh i don't know if i believe that how is that bullshit because

sugar makes me hyper sugar does not make anyone hyper it's a lie it's a lie oh my god i haven't sometimes that's why my bats at night have not had had dip dabs beside them. Just, I've gone yogurt, milk, no dip dab because I was like, if I have a dip dab, I won't sleep. Now I can have the dip dab. There's caffeine and stuff in sweets that I think is what actually makes them a bit hyper, but it's not sugar. Apparently, look, I mean, don't quote me on this.

Apparently we don't, you know that myth that we only use 10% of our brain? Yeah. Lies, we use 100%. Really? At all times, which is, I mean, obviously not at all times. There's times where we're thick as shit, but yeah, we use 100%. Isn't that scary considering how thick I feel I am.

Like I couldn't even do, do you know those square, what are they called? The, um. Sudoku? No, fuck the Sudoku, the shape sorting box the kids use. Sudoku. No, fuck the Sudoku. The shape sorting box the kids use. I don't think I can pull off

one of them. I'm like trying to stick a pyramid in the wall. And I'm like, put it in the box, Joanne, in the box. Theodore's like, what's this shape, mummy?

And I'm like, I know where I can go square. Apparently going out with your hair wet does not give you cold flu or virus in any capacity unless a bat flies down and dry rides your hair we've figured out now that's how viruses travel but apart from that there's no way of getting a virus also also if you swallow chewing gum it doesn't stick in your stomach for eight years so I've started swallowing chewing gum again go on you mad bitch you do you leave your gummy life shaving your hair does not make it grow back thicker which I actually do I wonder is that true because I shaved my legs once accidentally when I

was seven and then spent the rest of my life like Chewy Bacca so I think there might be truth to that I don't know because I've used that like blade thing you know that is meant to do like microdermabrasion on your face but it gets rid of all the fluff

and the fluff doesn't come back any thicker no especially I have to use it when I'm pregnant with my newfound beard the Great Wall of China

is not the only thing you can see from space what else can you see you can't see anything from space unless you're a fucking very talented pigeon you can't see anything nothing just like sea water earth whatever yeah the chinese started that one great rumor so i did a shout out on the insta anyway so a couple of people messaged me i

was like things that you thought were true that are not true and a couple of people messaged me saying pregnant women can pee in a police officer's hat did you think that's true joe we could i don't know why you're putting your thumbs up you have a microphone you can speak yeah I thought that was true is that true or not no oh it's not true

well it would be like they're not gonna let you why would you want to piss in their hand anyway that's insane piss up against the wall like a normal person a friend genuinely believed

the RT tower was the Eiffel Tower I believed that as well as a kid what yeah so in Ireland in our national TV station

there's like this huge obviously tower to get like you know it's like a big fucking hangar in the middle of Dublin to get the

radio stations working this was a big one thought it was illegal to turn on the light inside the car when someone was driving so did I I literally

last night was the only time I found out that wasn't true yeah do you know that my friend was the only time I found out that wasn't true. Yeah. Do you know that my friend Clodagh mailed me yesterday after seeing your post and she said that she used to think up until like a year ago that if a bat flew into your hair

it would stick there and you'd never be able to get it out. I'm like, Clodagh, we're 32. Oh my god, I thought I was 32 for a second. I hate when that happens. You're like, oh my God, what am I going to do

for my 21st? Wake up, Joanne, you're 45. The reason I love a hypocrite is because they always come out with really good stuff.

And I know we're all hypocrites, but did you see what the Pope said this week? Yeah. He, he, he called childless adults selfish because they prefer to have cats or dogs over children.

Now this was an 85-year-old man with no kids and he said this at the Vatican and a lot of people were agreeing with him. He's quite the prankster, isn't he? Like, I'm convinced Jeremy Beadle has been reincarnated into the Pope. And that he's literally just taken the piss out of us. We're getting trialled. We're getting trialled by Jeremy.

The absolute cheek of him. He doesn't even have a kid. It kind of opens the door for me to have more, though, doesn't it? Like, if the pope says well so why is he encouraging more children when like literally we know that that's environmentally insane do you know why because he's not going to be around for the end of the world he's 85 actually having animals is less selfish because they need more care than babies because they never grow up yeah exactly he's full of shit that's the thing it's like the i mean i'm not gonna go on a rant about the catholic church but sometimes it's just it's like do you hear what you're saying i reckon he's had the snip

at some stage i reckon there's loads of little babies going around little baby popemobiles with little capes and little hats on them it's like me when i came back from greece and i was like i think i'm gonna give birth to a tiny waiter i can't wait for your next holiday book it joanne's baby's here pulling pints at two weeks old fantastic i'm telling you like it's always the way these priests that they have a secret family somewhere like 100 i just don't get that like why can't they have a family though? It's like pointless trying to make somebody be celibate. It's odd. It's not normal. It's not

human nature. I know because the Catholic Church decided that sex was something to be embarrassed and ashamed about and then just... I wouldn't live a fucking minute as a nun. I wouldn't be able for it. Wouldn't be able for it. That's why I didn't have sex with the lights on until I was about 28. Oh, I like a nice lighting during sex. I don't like a lot of lighting.

This is where lads like to want to make a sex tape and like go for it. You won't be able to see anything. But yeah, sure. Well, Joanne, that is our last episode for two weeks.

We do have our extra episode though. We have our extra episode coming out. Are you going Maldives or Mauritius or Malaga? Maldives. Maldives. I know do you know I'm terrified I'll go and it won't look like the pictures I'll be raging Thank you.