My Therapist Ghosted Me - Smile Lamp, Saltburn & "Money Saving"

Episode Date: February 2, 2024

As you know, this is NOT a financial advice podcast. This week, Vogue is thrilled that it's only a few days before her dry January (remember, she messed up on the 6th, so has to wait until Feb 6th!!) comes to and end, whilst Joanne has declared that enough is enough and she needs to get out of bed. Plus, badly measured furniture, very questionable money saving tips and a quick look at the Oscars / Barbie situation.If you’d like to get in touch, you can send an email to [e-mail] review Global's Privacy Policy: global.com/legal/privacy-policy/For merch, tour dates and more visit: www.mytherapistghostedme.com/For more information about Joanne's gigs, visit: www.joannemcnally.comThis episode contains explicit language and adult themes that may not be suitable for all listeners.Thank you!

This is a Global Player Original Podcast. Hello and welcome to My Therapist Ghosted Me with me, Vogue Williams, and Joanne McNally with 10,000 Notepads. I forgot mine. I used to travel with like 18 notebooks because I'll write an idea in one and then I'll develop it in another and it's, yeah, there's no system to it.

It's insanity. I never used to use a notepad until I worked with you and now I always have a notepad but I left my notepad at home and now I'm working off the phone with pictures of my notepad. Loads of people do that.

It's okay. So tell me about your week so my week has been well Christmas is finally over we're recording this I know is it?

it's the 1st of February honestly the festivities ended for me this morning what do you mean? so obviously I worked first week of January

and then the tour was finished and I just to say I was on a jolly with a capital J and obviously I moved into the flat and I just to say I was on a jolly with a capital J and obviously I moved into the flat and I got like so I sat

on my hoe in bed the harness rotting in the corner of the flat and I ate and drank for two weeks

solidly in bed and watched telly I got a telly in the bedroom I binged on loads of shit I basically have bed sores like I have been

so good to myself and then last night do you know when you get to the point where you're just like enough's enough now do you know what I mean you're like get your hell out of bed so I did 20 minute pally and then I'm I'm fatigued because I have no momentum I haven't moved what have you I'm like a slug how did this happen though I made a decision to do nothing for two weeks. Like literally nothing. The decision before you made the decision for two weeks

was to buy a running belt and go running. Yeah. So then you just changed decisions. That was a fantasy. Okay. Because I was like, oh maybe I,

because do you know when you stop. Were you embarrassed of the straps to go running with? No, do you know what? Do you know what folk? You were embarrassed. I was actually, me and I,

I was standing, and I I was standing because I look I'd get up every morning and I'd look out the window with my morning gin and I'd watch with my breakfast gin and I'd watch

people running around clapping calm and I'd say that's enough exercise for me for one day my eyes are exhausted watching these people run around

I am thrilled because you texted me the other day saying that you were you were going to start looking after yourself and that to me meant you were going to start looking after yourself and that to me meant she's going to

start training with me she's going to sauna and ice bath and that's what I heard well so today so last night I was like this has to stop like you said

you'd give yourself January it's the 1st of February tomorrow it's the 1st of February is it today? today yeah oh yeah so this

recording on the 1st of Feb but it'll be out obviously at a later date 5 days I can get fucked up yes yeah you're back yeah so this recording on the 1st of Feb but it'll be out obviously in a little bit 5 days I can get fucked up yes yeah you're back yeah so I'm basically taking the

the you've been disgusting and soon I will be disgusting I've been disgusting but disgustingly happy I honestly didn't have an ounce of guilt until the 14th day

I will say until the 14th day I was like this is a bit gross now I I have been on sober January since the 6th of January because I this is a big road it's new I have been on sober January since the 6th of January because I messed up

because I fell off the bandwagon so I have been not boozing since the 6th of January which actually feels like quite a long time it's actually not that long

when you think about it I will say I feel physically absolutely amazing I'm not anxious or anything like that yeah yeah yeah sure

really what's your topics about do you know what I'm gonna go give blood next that yeah yeah yeah sure really what's your topics about come on do you know what I'm gonna go give blood next week are you gonna give blood my blood is so fucking good

before the 6th of February I better go and get some eggs because it's never been better so I'm booking in you can't come actually I can't go I'm gonna go and give blood but what I will say is

so like obviously I'm thrilled at myself because I feel so healthy but Sveni and I were away and like yesterday was the first time I like properly had a belly laugh like a real like a proper

laugh and I realised it's because I haven't been drinking yeah I know drinking is a lot of fun it is a lot of fun like you can't deny it but also it hits a point where it becomes incredibly depressing but there is there is a point where it is fun until it becomes Concretely depressing I love this

Folks donating their blood To Usain Bolt Because she's just In the peak of her fitness She's never been fitter I had this I did I had a thought yesterday

And Spenny Who is like Honestly He's becoming unbearable Because he's not Like now He's not even going to drink again Because he's doing this

Like this challenge In six months All I hear about Is the challenge Or what's it called What's that thing called when you starve yourself iron man fasting fasting and i actually said to him at breakfast yesterday i was like and i found myself before he came to breakfast i was like shoving a croissant in my mouth and then i was like you know what actually spenny i feel like you look down on me when i have breakfast and he was like

what i was like you come in here fasting and just sneer at what what like he he does he looks at what's on my plate and he's like oh and I'm like I fucking I haven't had that since my parents used to do it when I used to pile my plate full of stuff and it's so annoying when someone's just sitting there fasting and I said to him yesterday as well I was like you're a grumpy bitch and it's because you're starving probably is yeah yeah like he's he's denying himself vital resources so here I am giving up the booze right I told you if you're starving. Probably is. Yeah. Yeah. Like he's denying himself vital resources. So here I am giving up the booze, right?

I told you, if your anxiety is a problem, you do what I do. You drink a bottle of wine and you take a beta blocker. That's what I'm going to do. I do. I actually have so many

beta blockers left because my prescription is now just sitting at home because I haven't been drinking. We have to say we're not medical professionals. Just in case people thought we were. No.

Because there's a chance. I do give off that vibe, I think, that I'm very medically anonymous. Yeah, you do actually, 100% with your bag of pills. You know, we talk about booze a lot. But it is the worst thing on the planet for you. It is. But the Pope also said that wine is a gift from God.

That's because he's trying to get people to go back to Mass. No, in fairness, I don't really... And they fucking gave it out on the pul fairness, I don't really give it out on the pulpit. I wouldn't really. I've never had the wine. Well, yeah, back when I went to Mass,

they didn't let women on the... The wine was for the sacrosancts. Sacrosancts. She remembers the Mass. I was an altar boy. Oh, yeah, you were an altar boy. I know, in fairness, I don't really listen

to what the Pope tells me. They have red wine at mass which is apparently, it's not just wine, it's allegedly the actual blood of Jesus Christ. So that man,

no more than yourself, people will be drinking your blood now in 20 years time, won't they? I'm telling you. Listen, I'm going to the nearest

blood clinic to me so get your ass in there if you want like hyper blood. That's what I've got at the moment. I'm a Williamist I've joined the Williams church you drink folk Williams blood blood for everybody

that she donated in 2024 after giving booze up for a month it hasn't even been a month yet my eh I used to go to mass we used to have to go to mass like in Ireland that's just what you did

you had to go to mass every week and I used to hate it Joanne obviously didn't because she was an I wanted to be an altar person I don't know what happened well I the only reason I became

an altar server was because I found mass so painfully boring that I said I need to spice this shit up for myself I need to get involved and also I love a stage

yeah yeah yeah I mean I wasn't allowed on the altar though I told you that wasn't I I'd be skipping up the altar they wouldn't let girls on the altar

that's shocking so as well now they tell you now they're like skipping up the altar they wouldn't let girls on the altar that's shocking now they tell you now they're like do whatever you want they have men riding on the altar now they're just trying to get the numbers out

I'm telling you they aren't I swear to God if you hadn't met the priest at Otto's christening if you hadn't been there and met him couldn't even invite him for lunch

he was so mean to our group really really mean it was really hard to get in it was really hard like I rang one church and they were like have you not been worshipping with us for like over a year to our group. Really? Really mean it. It was really hard to get in. It was really hard.

Like I rang one church and they were like have you not been worshipping with us for like over a year? I was like no. And they were like well then you can't get your son christened here. I was like fine.

Only the other day I was walking. If you went into the church you'd go on fire. Only the other day. Get a tan. I miss vapes. I think about them every day every fucking day

I think about the vape yeah I had to get Spenny right last night I haven't vaped in so long and I found one in my drawer and I was like I'll wait till he goes

to the bathroom and then I was like I'm actually thinking of sneaking a vape well they are addictive like that's the problem I haven't had one in so long and I was like Spenny I have to give you this vape you're going to have to hide it, that's the problem. I haven't had one in so long. And I was like,

I have to give you this vape. You're going to have to hide it somewhere. And he was like, no, I'll throw it out. I was like, no, because I might go drinking one day and then I'm having a vape. This is like you saying

you'd be surprised that you're addicted to opioids. Like, this is, it's an addictive substance. I cannot believe the level because I still think about it every day. And now Rishi Sunak has, he's banned disposable vapes.

Yeah. That's environmental though, isn't it? has, he's banned disposable vapes. Yeah. That's environmental though, isn't it? No, it's for the kids, supposedly. They wreck everything. I think it's for the environment as well. It's plastic, isn't it? Yeah. Now, what I will say is

they have brought out, and showed me one that you, what's it called? Recharge. Recharge. Recharge? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So it's more so,

so it's twofold. I think they're trying to get rid of is there an age legal limit on them now? There must be. You can't sell them to kids but who was selling them to kids anyway? Because there was no because whenever anything new comes out

it's like the Wild West. There's no law. So that's it. Me and the blue eyes are done. Supposedly. But now that I've spoken about it it's all that I can think about. I tried to watch stuff

and actually a woman got in contact with Sven and she was like I can hypnotise Vogue for being frightened on the plane and then I was like I'd rather be hypnotised to hate vapes

it's because I'd sit here vaping all this whole pot if I could now do you not think about your lungs I'm no one to talk like my liver

looks like a punched face I used to vape and smoke at the same time when I was like 18, 19 I'd have a vape talk like my liver I'd say looks like a punched face. I used to vape and smoke at the same time when I was like 18, 19. I'd have a vape in one hand and I'd be smoking out my car window as well. At 19? Disgusting. We didn't have vapes at 19. We did. But the proper the massive ones that used to fill up with oil. Maybe it was 20 something. When did vapes come out? They're only new. No no no no. We had the views one and everything. I used to get the ones that you just have to fill up with actual oil.

And vapes, you don't remember them? No. I'm disgusting. I used to, I don't, I don't even smoke. I don't know what, like what I was on. You know when you're younger, you think you're deadly and you're like, I'm going to smoke. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I am trying to furnish this flat.

Sorry, is this last week or this week or is this last month well I'm sorry it takes me a while to get my shit together it's like it takes me six weeks for shit to arrive

is this November I saw I did see a pink chair I don't measure anything I've never measured anything physically I measure with my eyes so I'll look at something

and be like that looks like it might fit in my sitting room I'll kind of take it in with my eyes and then look look at something and be like that looks like it might fit in my sitting room and I'll kind of take it in with my eyes and then look at the space and I'll be like

yeah sure if you're going to tell me you messed up the couch please God well I don't know yet because the couch still hasn't arrived oh God

so everything I'm ordering to the flat is three times the size I thought it was because online photos I guess I'm just so used to dating online that everything like everyone who says they're six foot it's five online photos I guess I'm just so used to dating online that everything

like everyone who says they're six foot it's five foot eight so now I'm just used to things being smaller than what they appear to be online and everything's

fucking huge so what I thought was going to be honestly like a little coffee table is a full dining room table for five people remember I said

I was going to take your kitchen table I did think that was quite big for you there's no fucking way I could fit this I don't I said I was going to take your kitchen table? I did think that was quite big for you. There's no fucking way I could fit this. I don't know what I was thinking. What, I need a bank

kitchen table in my flat? When was it for the last supper that I'm going to have on Christmas Eve? For example, Joanne kept the ghost

from, the ghosted tour, the huge, probably about two and a half meter high ghost, two meters wide yeah we don't know

where it's going Kevin Kevin Kevin's minding the ghost when I get a house I'll put that in the garden I don't know if it will survive the garden

it's not it's not made for garden it has to be for interior I might garden proof it though do you know like do whatever it takes to put it in the garden look I don't know

it's probably a pipe dream but anyway so something you've just got to say goodbye to put it in the garden look I don't know it's probably a pipe dream but anyway so something you've just got to say goodbye to she said goodbye to the pink chairs I don't think we'd said about the pink chairs

so do you so while we were splitting up all of our tour stuff yeah because it's nice to have like memories memorabilia

yeah and I'm glad that we have those little ghosts don't know what we're going to do with them I'm going to find them well they're enormous they're not that big

they're about half that screen would you say and you know whatever I'd say they're the whole screen do you think yeah they were up really high

they were up high yeah maybe I don't know I'm going to frame this I was going to do it like your lobster like do you know like a full

I'm going to do I think I'm just going to stick it on the wall I was gonna frame our outfits and like give you one and give me one yeah but I had threatened

like Elvis yeah but I'd threatened to frame my jockey outfit and I still haven't done that yeah but I mean these things aren't urgent we've had a complaint what have I done

I know I've done something I can tell I used to love listening to the pod and it was so refreshing to hear two women so honest well after the most recent pod I've changed my mind there is no way

on God's green earth that that fraud Vogue Williams is a decoup I'm sorry I can't get behind this lie okay right and like I said

I wrote back on you're absolutely dead right me and Ger are also considering leaving the podcast if you're already just you're just jealous of my breasts we've had another one come in

about the tits again I have to issue an official apology because basically I bought this smiley lamp I loved that lamp

it's cool isn't it yeah it is very cool again it's six times bigger than I thought it was going to be that's fine and it takes

it takes up the whole side it takes up the entire side table yeah it's a nice lamp it is a nice lamp I could have done with a smaller size anyway people were asking

about the lamp because I was showing a photo of the bed that was very kindly gifted to me by SleepAid thank you very much SleepAid SleepAid is great that's why I couldn't get out of the fucking thing I very kindly gifted to me by SleepAid thank you very much SleepAid SleepAid is great that's why I couldn't

get out of the fucking thing I've never had like a proper like lush bed thank you SleepAid we're having a great sleep thank you SleepAid it's like sleeping

in an Ugg boot that's the only way I can explain it that's why I'm just that's why I literally sat in it I lay in the thing for two weeks

watching Netflix oh my god I think having a good bed is like so important I've never had one before it's not like it's not like I was sleeping in bins but I never had a plush bed before

I just like I would miss my bed in London when I'm away I love it so much so basically I bought this smile lamp 20 times the size I thought it was going to be fine

classic the usual could barely get in the door didn't send it back it's like one of those comic sized tennis balls that you'd see in an have you seen it yet it's like one of those comic sized tennis balls that you'd seen in an Albuquerque sketch

it's the size of that table anyway and it lights up and it's kind of half creepy half wholesome and fun so people are like what's the crack of the lamp

which is the lamp and I said oh I bought it they're all over the internet you can get them anywhere they're about 20 or 30 quid now okay I didn't realise the lamp the they're about 20 or 30 quid now okay

I didn't realise the lamp the smaller lamp is 20 or 30 quid the large lamp that I bought is 130, 140 to say

I was absolutely rinsed out of it for spreading false information about the price of the smile lamp I was like girls I apologise

I didn't fact check myself I apologise I'd obviously remembered the price of the smaller lamp but bought the larger one I couldn't be more apologetic. But people were getting annoyed.

They were like, some girls are just like, what are you talking about? Like, where did you get it? And I was like, it doesn't matter. Tell us the worst things you bought for your flat. So the table is ridiculous.

The table is ludicrous. We're going to need a picture of the table for the pot. Oh, it's a fine table. It's just much bigger than I thought it was going to be. But like at this stage, I just don't trust myself

I feel like I'm going to order like a salt mill and we're going to have to take off the side of the flat to get it in it's going to be like the size of the Eiffel Tower I literally don't know

what I'm doing when am I invited round for God's sake can I not just go and measure shit for you I don't have a measuring tape I will come and measure it's too late now

everything's there oh no now I'm going to have to start sanding shit back do you want to just move out well I'm not going to fit in it start it get a new flat

it's just storage now it's time to move on that's my storage flat and this is my living flat and do you know what I don't have a plate I don't have a single plate still Joanne

I have pink plates and mugs ready to give you but you haven't come to get them yeah but they're only side plates I think I need a main do you have any knives and forks yeah I do have cutlery cutlery

no plates no plates come to my house and I will give you those bits and then you can order the other plates I think I should just go to your house and then you should leave

and then I should just wander round and then you don't see what I take so you don't get upset do you want to move back in well I'm going to have to because I don't fit

in my own flat anymore I need to make a little obstacle course to get me through to the one fork she's one of those hoarders she just hoards furniture but none of it

has anywhere to go I just lie in bed scratching myself with that tiny hand that I have Alan came over he's like when was the last time

you left the flat and then I introduced him to Deliveroo and he's like why would anyone last time you left the flat and then I introduced him to Deliveroo and he's like why would anyone leave their flat and I was like I know

and you have Zapp which brings you all your groceries you don't need anything and like this is not fucking paid advertising but that thing is insane we were ordering

screwdrivers off it and everything I know it literally has everything a toolbox order a tape measure I remember do you think of that

I remember when I first went for a job in the building industry so I basically went for this job and they were like oh what makes you like FF&E

and I was like I just love it it's just my favourite yeah the company of course no it wasn't the company it was the type of role I was coming for

and I was like I love FF&E it's just always been something that I've really loved so much 2000 people went for the job I got the job then I had to google FF&E it's's just always been something that I've really loved so much. 2,000 people went for the job. I got the job. Then I had to Google FF&E.

It's basically fixtures, fittings and electrical. So I showed up to the building site, had never measured anything myself. They sent me out for honestly about three hours wandering around the building site. And I came back and I was like, here you go.

And he was literally looked at me. He was like, have you ever measured anything in your whole life? And I was like, nope. And he was like, this is like completely wrong. I obviously had like things like four meters high and shit. I just can't. But when you did your...

I wouldn't be the best person to come and measure for you actually. You're not selling it to me. But when you did your, between the two of us, we'd have the wind tiles out. You'd just have like a little Sylvanian family size couch in our sitting room. I just have like a little Sylvania family size couch in her sitting room. So I was away on holidays with Spenny. We went on our first kind of like couple holiday. Yeah. Where we didn't have any kids and we didn't have any friends.

People were wondering where Amber and Megan were. Of course. And we realized that we'd actually never like been away together. And to not, like I felt like my olden self, where I didn't have to worry about anyone else. It was really nice. And we got on really well until the last day. When my accountant and my stepdad started sending me my stuff about tax.

And then Spenny obviously got his stuff about tax, because it's tax time. And to say we were fucking vicious with each other, because we were both so separately pissed off about the situation and about like feeling like

we were being robbed that like I was having a massage and I was nearly crying I was like I need to just I just need to go home I want to go home

and then Spenny and I ended up having this massive fight and we wouldn't really talk to each other when we were in the airport like we kind of said a few words to each other

but we'd had this lovely holiday and then it was just ruined on the last day because we got our tax bills but we got to go skiing together it was really nice we were in this restaurant you know when you're like in in ski places they have these like dancers and stuff and like they do all these songs and we went to this nice place so there was only one singer and there was a trumpet man or a saxophone man and she was there singing and the restaurant was quite

empty and because of what you have drilled into my head I was like God I have to pay her loads of attention now but because I

paid her loads of attention she kept singing at me and I was like you know when someone's singing at you and you're

like I've never felt so uncomfortable in my life so we had to leave I didn't even have coffee I couldn't

because of what you told me I was like I have to pay her all my attention because I'm the only person in the restaurant but she keeps she keeps fucking what's that called

when someone serenades you yeah no I really it's really uncomfortable I used to go out with somebody who was a singer and it was like one of my least favourite parts

who was that name I actually don't remember his name I don't recall the name now that's too much attention like when someone's performing I think you have to give them

the respect yeah to look at them but if they eyeball you back for an uncomfortable amount of time that's on them

you're free to leave I had to go you're free to leave I left Svenny there I was like see you later um Barbie didn't get an Oscar obviously I was on

my two week jolly so I'd had I'd gone for dinner and had three large glasses of Pinot Sojko which you know

in London is a bottle and a half yeah yeah did you hear they're getting rid of the large wines in the UK I find it weird how you do your measures anyway because like

even the spirits spirits are tiny you have to have a double yeah I know remember in Shoreditch House we asked for a double double and they were like sorry we actually can't

do that for you legally oh is that bad remember Joe you were there they wouldn't give us a double double no they wouldn't

you had to do it manually yeah they wouldn't quadruple it no they won't do that gosh no Barbie didn't get an Oscar yeah I loved

I loved Barbie I loved Barbie too yeah I love Margot Robbie I love Margot Robbie too yeah but they didn't get an Oscar yeah I loved I loved Barbie I loved Barbie too yeah I love Margot Robbie I love Margot Robbie too yeah but they didn't get an Oscar and I had had

three large wines and I came home and I was enraged and I was just I was fired up on the rhetoric online about it and I was like

it's a fucking disgrace America Ferrara had been nominated obviously I was too drunk to notice that and Ryan Gosling Ryan Gosling but that's why I was so enraged that. And Ryan Gosling. Ryan Gosling.

But that's why I was so enraged. Okay. Greta Gerwig, blah, blah. And I just was fired up. Anyway, I was posting about the fact that it was an absolute disgrace. And then the next morning I got this message.

People were really annoyed that I was annoyed. Okay. Why? Because you weren't allowed to be annoyed? Because, I mean, what the fuck? I don't know.

I have no idea. I love drunk posting, Joanne. Remember the question time? I don't do it anymore the question time when you had a wine was one of my favourite times the Q&A

I had to stop all that it was almost there was a bit too much honesty there never I have to protect my peace so a woman called Ruth got in touch

she's like the other films were better Joanne that's why Gerwig didn't get nominated the female director Justine Treat was nominated for anatomy of a fall because her film was fucking incredible so now her thunder is being stolen because women are crying about barbie not being nominated just because it was a blockbuster with a feminist message it wasn't

good enough for an oscar nomination end of can we celebrate the female who has been nominated named for making a film that is more challenging and thought provoking than anything out there right now? And get over Barbie. It was a mediocre film. Still love you though. And I said, listen,

I haven't a fucking clue what I'm talking about. I did love Barbie, but this is a point well made, Ruth. I'm going to reshare. And then she went, sorry, I don't have a clue either.

I'm due my period any minute. So we're all on the same side really how long away until the cage? it's being held hostage in customs the usual shit some of it's have to

go back it's in modules I don't know what the fuck I was thinking to be honest the feng shui the feng shui is all wrong now because

I finally watched I mean I finally watched Soulburn and do you know what I will say if you didn't like Soulburn I'd have a real problem with you what I knew I was going to like it okay you did like it I loved it I think say? If you didn't like Saltburn, I'd have a real problem with you. What?

I knew I was going to like it. Okay, you did like it. I loved it. I think people who say they don't like it, I think it's really weird. Yeah. I think it's such a... Now, there was that whole thing that was going around about, like, don't watch it with your family, don't watch it with your family. Spenny's parents came over and they wanted to watch Saltburn. They hadn't seen it.

So Spenny starts watching Saltburn with the parents. And I'm sitting there and I'm like oh my god I had to sit there and watch all those bits and it's like I was like oh well

what did you get up to today Jane? Yeah that's terrible. Like you can't watch Salt Burn with your parents. No you certainly can't. I watched it during I feel grossed out that my mum and Neil

even watched it. I watched it during They're dirty. I watched it during they're dirty I watched it during my bed rest and I loved it it's amazing

yeah and then I went in and watched all the interviews and stuff but the thing that I found most interesting about it like I mean it's completely fucked up

but it's dark and some people think it's really obvious I didn't think it was obvious at all I didn't think it was that obvious no it's a real kind of I't think it was obvious at all. I didn't think it was that obvious. No, it's a real kind of,

I just thought it was really fun. But Barry Cowan's amazing in it. Yeah, he's unbelievable. And also, it just reminded me, you know the way your man Felix or whatever his name is? What's his name? Jacob Elordi.

Jacob Elordi, yeah. His eyebrow ring. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I was like, because obviously it's set in 2006, 2007 and his eyebrow ring is so7 and it's eyebrow ring is so disgusting and it just

triggers me I used to want one of them I had one what and it reminds me of my entire generation not all of us obviously

but it reminds me of so many of us when we were younger with those eyebrow rings that were only still holding on by the skin of their teeth

and there was just this tiny transparent bit of skin because they'd grown out so much and if you like nudged them the whole thing would collapse and I remember having to get my eyebrow ring taken out

on a gurney in a hospital the day before my brother's wedding because I couldn't get it out it turned out it was this really simple like click system but I was told it was twisted no one could get it out it went down to A&E

they couldn't get it out and I had to lie down on a gurney because I was bridesmaid and my mother was like, you're not going up the aisle with that fucking thing in your eye. Fair enough, fair enough. And they came in with this huge, big,

what would you call it? Like pliers? Yeah. And I pliered it off. Anyway, the eyebrow ring was... Where was it? Where's the mark? Everyone has a mark.

Yeah, I have a mark. Yeah, I just saw that there. It's guards forever. I cannot believe you got an eyebrow ring. Well, I have my belly button still and the hole stays there. And I honestly, I considered getting another belly button and then I was like, I'm eye barrier well I have my belly button still and the hole stays there and I honestly I considered getting

another belly button then I was like I'm 38 now I can't be going around with a little I can't be going around with a little dangly diamond coming from

my belly button she would love it I was wondering if Barry Keoghan and Paul Mescal like are they what's their what's their situation

well there's a new Paul Mescal film out now that is meant to be absolutely unbelievable. But I actually think that they're in completely different... I don't think that they'd even be going for the same roles. No.

Well, this is what I was thinking. So Paul Meskel is like the really kind of hunky, boy-next-door guy. Yeah. Whereas Barry Cowan is like... I'd love to go on the sesh with him. Barry has a darkness to him, whereas Paul Meskel looks like I'd love to go on the on the sesh with him Barry has a darkness to him whereas Paul Mescal looks like

he's going to pull out a cupcake from his pocket just for you I would say yeah I would say you would be more like Barry Cowan

I would be more Paul Mescal yeah I didn't realise he's in Gladiators 2 oh yeah yeah I did he's massive and then Barry's the new Joker

in the I said this is fascinating do you know when I started watching again randomly Love Hate Love Hate is an Irish series for I'm sure

lots of people in Ireland know it's massive in Ireland it's like a crime a gangland kind of have you watched it? never watched it what?

I know oh my god you have to it's on ITV now Jo I've got Spenny's parents have even started watching it it's an amazing crime drama that was on an Irish channel. It's on ITV now, Jo. I've got, Spenny's parents have even started watching it. It's an amazing crime drama that was on an Irish channel at home

and now ITV have it and we've started watching it again and it is so good. There's so many amazing. Yeah, Barry's in it when he's really young and there's so many amazing actors in it. It's such a great series. One more racco while we're at it.

Recommendation, yes. What did I text you yesterday? And I was like, I actually changed this for you. I was like, I said something you yesterday and I was like I actually changed this for you obvs I was like I said something like

obvs and I was like I better delete it and I wrote obviously but then I told you that I was going to say obvs I say obvs I don't mind at all

I never know what I'm allowed to say or not say around you sorry go on so another recommendation I have I have this book right I am pilgrim

and I've kind of been avoiding reading it because it's so like it's thick it's massive I Am Pilgrim and I've kind of been avoiding reading it because it's so like it's thick it's massive like nearly a thousand pages and I started reading it and it's so not

my kind of book but it's absolutely amazing people have told me to read it and I feel so like educated or something going around with it so even when I'm not reading the book

I'm just carrying it around because it's just like really thick book and I just pop it on the coffee table and I'm like oh there's my book my giant book I've seen people like you

I'm so superior with my huge book. No more Colleen Hoover, although I did buy one of them recently. I see people in pubs that have got like a copy of Ulysses beside them. And you're like, yeah, are you reading that? Are you fucking really reading that?

Well, I am. I can see people looking at me being like, hey, she's so intellectual. Look at her. I did a little shout out on the pod from a story yes so basically there was a girl and she was on tiktok and she kind of went viral because she basically has saved over six thousand dollars in groceries by going on dates with people oh yeah and I remember when I was like when like you know when you start out in the industry you have to do loads of stuff for free. And I remember like whenever like you'd be invited to an event that you wouldn't want to go to, but you'd kind of have to go because you'd like you'd want to hopefully meet somebody that might get you work. I used to just go and get absolutely hammered at those events and just eat whatever food they have because I was like, this is all free. Store up.

Yeah. Yes. Store up. Go do that. And then you'd go out and like you would have had your pre drinks for free. But so basically I did a call out to see the most ingenious ways

people have saved money. They were very good. Hi, from Australia. I'm doing some light home renovations at the moment. Whenever I need specific tools like a hammer or a specific drill bit

I go to the hardware store buy it, use it, keep the packaging and return it that afternoon. My biggest return was a three metre ladder. I only needed it for literally a minute so I could reach the hallway light bulb. Smart.

So smart. There were loads of really clever ones. A lot of you stealing like loo rolls from cafes and from like, we all did that. I've done that. I did that only recently, only because there was just no shop on the way home to the flat and obviously the flat's

kind of running at a bare minimum at the moment well yeah but like there's a toilet brush I'll take that home I'm going to start losing

I'm going to look I'm looking around my apartment to actually see what's missing please don't look too closely you remember

like that blue roll Amber particularly my sister Amber that big thing of blue roll she particularly my sister Amber that big thing a blue roll she was obsessed obsessed with it because she'd take it

to wipe our counters out and when she like she'd come out with a haul and it'd be a huge piece of like blue roll like the full thing I'd be like

how did you even get that home some of it was blatant robbing so this one Amazon returns a lot of things don't need to be returned

they just refund you straight away so you can say that something was faulty and they're need to be returned. They just refund you straight away. So you can say that something was faulty and they're just like, keep it. And then they refund you the money. But that's stealing. But apparently Timu,

you know that new website, Timu? Timu, T-E-M-U? I don't know it. They're everywhere at the moment. I think they're a Chinese website and they're selling everything and they're advertising. Like if you put anything into search

it always comes up a Teemu option and everything's like three quid but apparently it's all absolutely shite but they're the same if you're like

it's not worth them taking it back apparently they're just giving them like AliExpress kind of thing kind of vibes yeah this was a great one

I've been scamming Irish Rail for the last year and a half year and a half tell us more by booking a later train then going to the machine to collect my ticket rail for the last year and a half. Year and a half. Tell us more. By booking a later train, then going to the machine to collect my ticket and just at the same time, I press print, I have my Irish Rail account open and cancel my booking.

The ticket prints fine, works in the machine at the station and I get a refund from Irish Rail 24 to 48 hours later. How did she even figure that out? That's like a proper con. You're going to get caught. You're going to get caught. I don't know. That's the thing.

She hasn't. So basically the system is. A year and a half. She's saving a fortune. So she goes to print it. And as soon as it goes to print, she cancels it on the website. So she has her phone open,

ready to go cancel it. Again, that is stealing. This is Griselda stuff. Yeah. Well, I have no respect for Eireann Roderan since they took the wine off that fucking minibar and made it illegal

to drink on trains now they can they can they can sing for it now I would have I would have stood up for them previously they've made training

shit crack I didn't even know that that wine's crap anyway it doesn't matter it gives you a really bad headache in the UK if you're not drinking

on the train they're like are you pregnant are you okay in Ireland they're like no drinking on the train they're like are you pregnant are you okay in Ireland they're like no drinking on the train and that shit trolley

going up and down with its stupid Kit Kats I love a Kit Kat I was thrilled I got a Kit Kat Pringles and a cup of tea in London the UK trains

I have to say now the UK they train well we're not advocating doing the trains I think we are but if you go to if you last minute

buy a ticket to Manchester something can be 200 quid but they do do a great trolley bar they do and like they do nice food actually on the train they're like

literally have optics there and like pine port yeah but they have nice food in the train stations as well they always have like a mini Martin Spencer's you've got your all the nice bits

I pretend my car park ticket won't work at the exit barrier and the guy working there just opens it for me that's nice of him. That's fair enough, yeah. Some people I heard, they have,

well, no, but they do, they have, they carry around a fake, do you know when your car gets clamped? They carry around

a fake car? Apparently, and they clamp themselves. Now, That's a clever idea. I'm guessing each like local area has a different type of clamp

and the clamper himself would know if he's clamped your car. But they could just glance and see the clamp and maybe think it's from the day before. But also,

you can only get clamped once. So if you go into like a quite high end, like a high cost parking area and get clamped in the morning, then it actually

saves you money. Apparently, you can leave the car there for a week. I don't agree with clamping. It's such bullshit because you're sitting there waiting for them to... Not only are you paying 90 quid. Is it still 90 quid? I don't know what it is. 90 quid

in Dublin. It was 90 euro. And you might have to wait there for an hour and a half while they come and unclamp you. So 90 quid plus all that timing for yours. This one's a bit mean. I always give my Uber Eats delivery a bad review so they refund me that's mean she's like please keep me anonymous

I sound like a wanker do you remember do you remember when Domino's had that thing get your food in half an hour and I used to every time now this is when I was a student

every time I'd be like didn't come in half an hour so then they put a free garlic bread I'm like last time it didn't come in half an hour and they put a free garlic bread and they used to do last time it didn't come in half an hour and they put a free garlic bread and they used to do that.

That seems like good practice. Oh, this was a good one because do you remember you used to sneak booze into pubs? Yeah. We always just did it. We'd go in fine and you'd leave absolutely battered.

Batters, yeah. Unlike your few Diet Cokes. This girl, right, bringing in a hip flask and mixer into pubs. Mixer. She even brought her own mixer. I would hide the hip flask down my pants and then say to the bouncer

that I needed my bottle of Fanta as I had type 2 diabetes and needed sugar to be accessible to me at all times due to my spikes and low blood sugars clever bitch

so clever I very much liked her there were loads and loads and loads but they were my favourites the diabetes thing reminds me of did you see your man

who was caught running with a fridge on his back yeah what was the story with that so funny so basically this guy was training

so basically he's running he's running around some estate in England with a giant fridge and now I'm not talking like a minibar fridge

I'm talking a full fully grown adult sized fridge strapped to his back yeah because he's training for a marathon so I thought it was

one of these like wild training practices where they fucking wear tyres as hula hoops and run up sand dunes but actually he's trying to break

some record for there he is there Daniel something Daniel Fairbrother was his name well I mean he could break any record because no one goes

running with a fridge on their back so he wanted to be the first person to run with white goods on his back so he wanted to be the first person to run with white goods on his back so white goods are like any white household appliance I was like

you could use a fucking toaster like come on a can opener anyway he's got a fridge dropped to his back so they would get stopped by the police

they're like what are you doing because it looks like he's robbed the fridge and he's like I'm raising money for diabetes and I was like anyone could steal

anything the fridge makes absolutely no sense to me I know a fridge because white goods they call it

yeah he wants to break a record I guess he's doing it because and now he's obviously everywhere I was like it's so funny you could do anything

you'd be running down the street with a safe in your hand and get stopped and be like I'm raising money for diabetes type 2 and they're like

alright grant but he looks so delighted with himself I was like I'd just take the diabetes type 2 and they're like alright grant but he looks so delighted with himself I was like I just take the sandwich maker it seems like a big commitment

or you get a toaster I know well done Daniel we like that you're doing that yeah you look great makes no sense to me but you're making money

for charity which is nice it actually suits him it brings out the ice in your eyes I was talking to this man about a swing set yesterday and it brings out the ice in your eyes. I was talking to this man about a swing set yesterday, my interesting life,

and he was like, and so like, they'd have the swings till they're like, what, 12 or something? I was like, are they still playing on swings when they're 12? I think he's aspirational. I remember my first, a bottle of boomers with the girls,

we shared one liter of boomers together. I thought we were locked yeah swings at 12 I'd be like get off them you loser go and drink

and feel like a normal child scarlet babe in other news yeah Brittany is backtracking on her memoir

oh Brittany she's issuing apologies left right and centre who well apparently yeah Britney is backtracking on her memoir oh Britney she's issuing apologies left right and centre who well apparently Justin's after bringing out the single and she brought out

a single that had the same name years ago and now everyone's like kind of they're downloading hers and it's beating him and it's all getting a bit toxic

I think oh look at that oh god I just I think Britney's fans are like hyper hyper fans

and I I would take in the nicest way possible I would take a lot of that memoir with maybe a pinch of salt as well because any memoir

yeah any memoir because we said before there's one story there's another story and then there's the truth but I think the consequence well that she's like I'm then there's the truth but I think the consequence

well that she's like I'm sorry if anyone I offended anyone I know it's a bit late now but it's like the thing Rowland Keating regrets his memoir

why does he regret his? do you know guess what age he was when he wrote his lifetime memoir 23 24 very good yeah

yeah yeah yeah Dolly Parton you were so proud of me when I was with you there but I forgot he was so young when he started yeah yeah yeah yeah Dolly Parton you were so proud of me about to be there but I forgot he was so young when he started yeah yeah yeah we were talking about this

yesterday about like whether we would do a memoir and I just like in the least weird way possible I've gone through some pretty dark shit

and I just wouldn't want to put that out in the open I just like something that I've like gone through death with done it's in a box

I don't want to have to discuss anybody else and like something that I've like gone through death with done it's in a box I don't want to have to discuss anybody else and like things that might have happened with other people it's just not my vibe I just don't want

the negativity in my life yeah and also you have to memoirs I think as well they're selective it's a selective memory and it's a selective side of the story

it's your side exactly it's your side and also you can't even trust your own memories like I'd have I've had it's true I've had also you can't even trust your own memories like I'd have I've had it's true

I've had situations with people I guarantee if I sat them down they'd be like that's not what happened that's not what I remember or anything like that you know so yeah

it's a dangerous game the old memoirs anyway mine's out next Christmas Joanne did you see the video that my mum did for our merch I did we love Bill Sanders

she looks like she'd absolutely kicked the shit out of you she's so gangster she honestly she mailed me when she'd done it and she's like

someone says why are you wearing those shoes they're so untrendy and she broke her toe on a mirror and they're the only shoes that fit her she knows they're in bits

that's how street shoes she's like kicking around with flax shoes she honestly look at the statement shall we give it a look so basically

that's a garden shoe that's a garden it's a gardening shoe listen she knows the shoes aren't great she said she wanted to wear her Marco Moreos with her

her ghosted tracksuit but her feet won't fit in the shoe because she broke two of her toes oh god Pat's going to hear she can get a free tracksuit now when are they ending

I'd love if Pat would do a little modelling for us in the tracksuits but we all as we said we always love a bit of feedback and we got feedback on the tracksuits

and you said that they were a little bit too expensive which was fair we actually agreed with that yeah we did agree with it so what we did was we spoke to our partner in it

we reduced the price and not only that we decided that we're going to do a ghosted 20 so you can get 20% off all the merch and as I said the prices are reduced

if you want to look like Sandra like you're going to bash or someone you can get her whole purple look yeah minus the rotten shoes

I'm currently wearing I'm freezing everything they're very true to size I get asked a lot about the sizing I'm waiting on bigger sizes so I can do like show you the different sizes on but I am a giant but I'm wearing everything they're very true to size I get asked a lot about the sizing I'm waiting on bigger sizes so I can do like show you the different sizes

on but I am a giant but I'm wearing the small but I quite like a really oversized are you wearing the small? there's the small yeah we wanted them to be a little bit oversized

but they are very true to size and I'm getting that's good to know yeah also just for our American listeners who's going to say bonjour

bonjour aloha American listeners. Who's going to say bonjour? Bonjour. Aloha. G'day to our American listeners. Konnichiwa. Thanks for tuning in. Chicago, February 25th. February 27th, I'm in Washington, D.C. I didn't know there were

two Washingtons. February 28th, 29th, I'll be in Philadelphia. March 28th, 29th, I'm in Washington DC I didn't know there were two Washingtons February 28th 29th I'll be in Philadelphia March 28th 29th I'm in San Fran March 30th

I'm also in San Fran then April 3rd I'm in LA and also Ghosted has been nominated for Ticketmaster's event comedy event of the year

and as has Prosecco Express yeah like double whammy for you but so has Peter Kay so it will probably go to him Peter Kay will probably take it well done Peter Kaye will probably take it. Well done, Peter Kaye.

But if you would like to vote for MTGM or Joanne, you can go to Ticketmaster.ie and you will see the voting system. Voting poll. Yeah. That's it for this week. Girly whirly? Sorry.

Use girly whirly. I'm rubbing off on her again. I'm so sorry. This is what happens when you make me do a 9am record. Girly whirly. You'd want to hear

so we did a 9am record this morning which I have managed to curate my life that I don't work mornings I work nights. So this to me this might as well be 3am

I was last night I set like four alarms all night I set like four alarms all night I dreamt about not waking up in time that the taxi went to a different place stressed with

then when my alarm went off this morning I actually screeched in pain that I had to get up 7am I was like ahhh but now it's over

and I promised you a late record the next time I know so it's a deal it's a midnight record next time I wouldn't be awake

there's no way I'd be awake at midnight you're mad do you think I was awake at 7am no I fucking wasn't dragging myself into the taxi

with toes hanging out my mouth thanks everybody thanks so much