My Therapist Ghosted Me - Sweet Treats, Jersey Cows & “Klepto-Jo”

Episode Date: September 2, 2022

You’ve got to love them, even if they were a bit light-fingered back in the day. Vogue has nothing but good things to say about the Jersey livestock and Joanne is grateful to her agent for his honesty.If you'd like to get in touch, you can send an email to [e-mail] more information about Joanne's gigs, just visit www.joannemcnally.comThank you!

This is a Global Player original podcast. Hello and welcome to My Therapist Goes To Me with me, Vogue Williams and Joanne McNally. Joanne McNally Oh that was a risky move That was a risky move I didn't know If it was going to be Too much vodka Nearly too much

Joanne I'm absolutely horrified That you're using Sparkling water as a mixer Well do you know what Like I'm willing to I'm willing to do a whip around If you need money

Go fund me for some Some decent mixers Sparkling Have you just run out of Diet Coke What's the crack I don't I love it I do a whip around if you need money to go fund me for some, some diesel. Sparkling. Have you just run out of Diet Coke? What's the crack? I don't, I love it. I do like a Diet Coke.

Well, I tell you why I don't drink Diet Coke at vodka anymore. It's actually, there's actually a reason to it. Cause obviously I used to drink loads of vodka at Diet Coke, but I used to get so violently hung over that like there were three times I had to get the doctor called to my house because I was vomiting so much. I've missed flights because of it

I miss a long haul flight as well and you're blaming the mixer for that you're blaming the Diet Coke it had nothing to do with the vodka it had nothing to do with the vodka it was the soda lime excuse me

exactly so what I'm saying is drink Diet Coke in small amounts but drink a lot of vodka this is like when I was a child and one Easter Sunday do you remember for Lent

like you'd give up sweets and chocolate I never partook in that Jo do you know what Lent is do Protestants have Lent no that's when you give up

for 40 days 40 days 40 nights 40 days 40 nights 40 days 40 nights yes um Lent

the reason we're going to have and you're going to have Joe but anyway me and Val could be floating around with our wings up in the sky

because I because I gave up dairy milk for 40 days listen Joanne that's sacrifice that's what Jesus wants. Exactly. He doesn't care what I,

he's like, you killed him on, it doesn't matter. Did you give up Chris for 40 days for Lent? You're in. Exactly. True pain.

So one, so my aunts and uncles, whenever they come visit me and my brother, they would always bring sweets and chocolate like you do. And so we would

pack them all into a tin and then on Easter Sunday when Lent was over we would go down and gorge I mean this is before I was bulimic

and I knew how to follow through this was just like straight up gorge so then one Easter Sunday that's triggering I just triggered myself there on my own sorry about that

very unwell very unwell very unwell but em so anyway gorged from like you know 6am

like you're down. You have the tin open. You're three Turkish Delights down by 6.15. The day continued like that. So I just pigged out. Who eats Turkish Delights?

You're absolutely sick of them. My Uncle Micheal used to bring us Turkish Delights. That was what he brought us. I love them. Anyway my point was Easter Sunday the whole day chug chug chug chug chug

and then I'll never forget it I had a slice of pineapple that evening and I got sick everywhere and for years I was telling everyone

I was allergic to pineapple like I had a really heavy allergic reaction to pineapple and I truly believed it truly believed it Joanne it's not the same as the Diet Coke

okay it's not the same as the Diet Coke, okay? It's not the same. Do you remember waiting? Did you ever have a midnight feast and you'd literally wait? You'd save all your bits and you'd wait till midnight. You'd all get up and go to the kitchen at midnight with your friends and you'd eat all this shit. Do you remember that?

I do. Yeah, I do remember eating. Like, I do remember kind of scoffing out with friends. I remember we used to... So in our school, we used to so in our school we used to be asked to bring in a selection box for kids

the Vincent de Paul in Ireland so like the charity that deals with kind of homelessness and stuff like that and we would be asked to bring in a selection box

to give to kids of parents who were struggling and I used to my mum would buy me two selection boxes to bring in do you think I brought it in no

oh Joanne you stole the charity you little hunga I stole And I used to, my mum would buy me two selection boxes to bring in. Do you think I brought it in? No. Oh, Joanne, you stole the charity. I stole. You little hunga. I stole. I'd store them under my bed. And then the girls would come over and we'd eat them. And not a bother on me. Not even a hint of remorse.

Not a bit of regret. Nothing. Sure, it was the same. We used to, I assume you opened your charity tins with a tin opener like everyone else. Never. Oh my God, I would never. I used to go around. This is how saintly I am.

This is why I know I'm going to heaven, by the way. I used to go around carol singing when I was like eight and someone accused us of stealing the money. And we were like, why is he accusing us of that? Because we were so good. We used to actually give it to charity. We didn't steal like Joanne. Yeah, well, I mean mean the troker box was an obvious one because it wasn't sealed but it was literally like a milk carton so you could just like open the top and take the money

out there was no real challenge there but i do remember i'll never forget it anyway i was going around and it was a tin obviously they were up to the fact that kids were cracking open the troker boxes so this was completely sealed like a tin can of beans. I can't believe loads of you over there in the South Side were stealing from charities so like you. Filled the whole thing up,

back into my bedroom, went down, got a can opener from the, yeah, Chris. No. Crack the fucking, oh, come on. You didn't,

I actually cannot believe you didn't crack it open. I never stole from charity. Do you know what? I got all my, my robbery was from my dad. I really robbed that poor man blind. God bless his soul.

Rest in peace. Rest in poverty. They couldn't even afford a coffin for him in the end because Vogue stole all his cash. He was put in a wicker washing basket. I thought it was better for the environment.

Okay. Throw him in a basket he doesn't need the money he once gave Amber and I 500 euro for Christmas like a lot of money for Christmas huge money I took my 500 euro but obviously that wasn't enough for me

so he put Amber's 500 euro in this vase and he couldn't get it out and he was like go on and try and get that out there for me folks shoved a fork in got it out straight away stole a 100 euro and then I said I couldn't get it out and he was like go on and try and get that out there for me folks I shoved a fork in got it out straight away stole a hundred euro and then I said he said well stole a hundred euro from it and I was like I can't I can't get it out dad sorry don't know what you're gonna do and then Amber fished it out because it was so easy and she's like 400 euros an odd number for and I was like totally got away what's so funny is like the effort that went it like say you robbing from your dad and amber and robbing food out of amber's mouth and

me cracking open a tin do you know what I spent do you know what I spent that money on what sweets like sweets just bags sweets I'm back to sweets 10p like how many 10p crisps? I don't know. Like I would just go up to the corner shop and basically turn up with a grand in cash as an 11 year old and be like, sweets. I want everything that you have. I actually got, I got barred from going into school. I probably have told you guys this because I used to go in with a bag of shit,

like a bottle of Coke, two bars, three packets of crisps, three croissants, always three croissants. And once my principal, she'd be at the gate when she'd walk in she went through my bag and i wasn't allowed to go to the shop anymore before school why oh my god because i just had a bag of shit yeah speaking speak you've actually just reminded me so one of my friends his um child has started big school as the school's going back this week and um he was telling me that there's now an app that you can order your child's lunch and it's delivered to their classroom every day amazing and then he was like oh yeah so everything's done on an app now like all the so

um you're you have an app for your school and then if you need to be late or if your child needs to have a day off the parent just apply like just kind of sends an email via the app and I was like oh my god so the art of faking your parents signature that con is gone that's not possible anymore mitching off or going on the hop is now impossible as in I'm sure it's not I'm sure you could make it work but the amount of time you'd forge a signature you'd forge your forge a letter from your parents saying you need to go to the dentist

or whatever else you need to hand it in those days are gone oh my god that would be absolutely devastating Jo what do you call hopping off in the UK

you call it going on the hop uh skiving probably skiving I know that was no that was really intense

when he sat there because England is big. Is it? Yeah. There's lots of different words. How big is it, Jo? There's lots of different words. I'd call it Skyvin,

but loads of people will message now saying it. Skyvin. I bet you've never, I bet you never did it. Nah, you little geek. I did it once. Once?

Yeah, and regrets it for the rest of his life. He still feels bad about it. Still feels bad about it. Do you know what I used to do On a Friday We had double mats Which is absolutely

Disgusting anyway And I'd rather sit In a toilet cubicle So I'd be in school And I'd be like I'd rather sit in that toilet On my own For an hour and a half

Before phones And just sit there Doing nothing I know I know The effort that went in Like I was the same I remember going on the hop

And we'd go up Killiney Hill and we'd have the lunch eaten by 9.15am. And then we're like, what happens now? And we had literally nothing else to do.

The pita breads would be eaten by 9.15. Oh my God, the pita breads. The pita breads would be done and that was the perk of the day. And then you just sit there bored off your tits

with nothing to do for whatever. At least you weren't in school though. Exactly. At least you weren't in school though exactly at least you weren't in school did you ever have friends there was this girl right her mom no he struggled i actually got that vibe from you um this uh this girl her mom used to bring her in mcdonald's twice a week mcdonald's she'd get mcdonald's dropped to the school and there was just some people like that whose parents loved them more than our parents

loved us I never we never had that we weren't even allowed have we spoke about this before Jo I feel like maybe we have

no my family my mum was shit for treats like we'd know decent treats in the house generally some people's houses you go to and they'd

loads of chocolates and crisps and everything we'd none we'd like an alpaca wagon wheels down the back with the jam and this cardboard with fucking jam and it's disgusting i never had any decent lunches i remember there was a guy that i was in primary school with called jamie who would have um sugar sandwiches every day which at the time i thought was amazing but now in hindsight i think it's probably is is Jamie still alive it's abusive two pieces of white bread

butter and then just half a bag of caster sugar tossed in the middle and that was his lunch I quite like that it's caster sugar because that's a finer sugar well I mean

that's crunch I am assuming it was caster sugar because I don't know any other sugar but we didn't qualify that at the time absolutely disgusting

you're like what kind of sugar is that Jamie oh it's caster oh that's fine that's a high end, that's fine. That's a high-end sugar, yeah. Everything we ate

went into a deep fat fryer. It was like, oh, do you want some spaghetti bolognese? Deep fat fryer. What? Do you want some deep fat fryer?

Yeah, we lived for the deep fat fryer. Can I just say one thing about bums? Why, what, what? My least, like, a word that actually, like, you know the way some people hate certain words?

My most hated word is botty. Oh, oh, you know that word? Oh. I remember, like, going on the hop, like, we used to go on the hop, and like I say, it was just such a waste of time you didn't do anything ah no

it was not a waste of time I wouldn't say that I had a great time we used to go to free gaffes we like yeah I remember my auntie was my year ahead

so like Naomi knew exactly what I was doing I'd been kicked out of my gaff my mom kicked me out of my house and and so I used to yeah yeah yeah I went through

yeah yeah I love hearing about folks' wild side. Got thrown out of my house when I was 17. Moved in with my dad who just like let me do whatever I wanted. Were you thrown out of the main house into the outhouse? Or were you like actually thrown out of the house? Well, I tell you what actually happened, right? So I went home and I snuck to Wesley, this disco Joe, this disco.

And I wasn't allowed to do anything when I was younger. I had to be home at like certain times and everyone else was allowed to do whatever. And so I snuck to Wesley on one Joe this disco and I wasn't allowed to do anything when I was younger I had to be home at like certain times and everyone else was allowed to do whatever and so I snuck to Wesley on one of my dad's weekends and they knew I was doing it and I went home anyway we had this big glass door at the back and I went and they're all sitting in the kitchen and I knocked well I didn't knock on the door I went to open the door and it was locked that's why I knocked on the door and I got shooed away from my house and I left and I had the time of my life did whatever I wanted and when I felt like not going to school I would just literally write myself a note Naomi would run after me because she was obviously our year ahead my auntie and she'd be like please don't do this please oh and I I'm like, Naomi, excuse me, I'm not well.

I have to go. You need to ring my dad, okay? And I'd ring my dad two seconds later and I'd be like, if you don't tell, if you don't tell Naomi

that I'm really sick, that's it, I'm going to be expelled from school, it's your fault and he'd be like, you do it. This is the show,

I always think like there is definite pros to having divorced parents because you can kind of get away. You definitely have more. Yeah, you have more sway. You can get away with more. You get more stuff too. Did I ever tell you about the time that I stole the credit card?

Did I tell you about this? No. Okay, hang on. When I talk about stealing, Joanne has like trumped me. She's stealing from charities and credit cards okay did you ever tell me

about the time I did that heist in the National Art Gallery in Ireland did you ever tell me about the time I stole the Mona Lisa did you ever tell me that it was mad

it was mad I had three blue wickets next thing I knew I was stealing the Mona Lisa what have we done so basically I'm mad. I had three blue wickets. Next thing I knew, I was telling the man, Elisa, what are we going to do? So basically, my dad died.

Like things were a bit like wobbly in the house. Oh my God, no. Yeah, yeah. So my mom, you know, things are a bit wobbly, but the whole fact was all a bit wobbly.

But I was, I guess you'd call it now acting out as they say. And which I literally have not stopped doing since. I'm 39. I'm still, I'm still acting out as they say and um which I literally have not stopped doing since I'm 39 I'm still I'm still acting out yeah they can't call it acting out you want I think it's just your personality whatever so um yeah I stole her credit card and just like went to town on it and how did you think you'd get away with it though I don't do you know at that stage you don't the consequences you're kind of in denial You're just thinking I want what I want

In this very moment in time And I don't really I can't I don't know how to Consider the consequences It was like there was No consequences So stole her card

And went bananas on it Like was taking out Like using it as an ATM card Like taking out cash Going on the piss And just drank and whatever else and then one day i was in ecd and i got a call because you know with the credit card bill sorry this is when you were in college what of course what age do you think i'm nine year old

stealing a credit card obviously i was i needed money i was a woman with no job actually i think i was working at a bistro in denarii at the time anyway it doesn't matter so because back in the day it would take a month for you get a credit card bill every month so I had four weeks of acting like I'd won the lot out and then I get a call from my mum is in the city and I'll never forget it was in the arts blockchain smoke and obviously covered in fake tan with orange hands but that'll give you that's the timeline and she was like I've just got my credit card bill come home now

and I went okay turned my phone off disappeared for a week went and lived in my friend Sinead's house mum's ringing around everyone

and I this is what I did this was my strategy make her so worried about you that by the time you get home the anger has kind of so got home eventually I got rocked up a seer like a proper mate I can't have much money I can't I honestly I'd be lying if I honestly can't remember I must ask her

I can't remember because I bought actually did she make me pay it back no but she definitely like there was maybe when I repeated college, probably had to pay for that myself. Like there was definitely. I'll tell you what, that's coming out of your inheritance. So you can expect your brother to get a better inheritance

than you're going to get because that's coming, it's coming from somewhere. She will not forget about it. She's like, I'll split the assets so you can routine with your children. Expect for that two grand that Joanne racked up

when she was 19 years of age at UCD. Connor will get that. But I remember because I'd spent it on nothing significant I just drank it like it was just it was like drink and taxis and nights out and hotels and so um she was like I just want to know what you spent it on and I'll never forget it going up to my my trashy drawers and taking out clothes I've had years going down pretending. So it'd be something substantial. Yeah. I was like, my school, I bought a uniform.

Do you want to know how I bought that? Okay. Here's these three-year-old dungarees. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Literally, that was what I was doing.

I would have been like, my friend is really sick. Terrible times. Terrible times. Always blame it on someone's sick. It's the only way sometimes yeah well that's klepto they used to call me klepto joe that was my nickname stop

it yeah god i forgot all about that great times you know what when i when i had first met spenny right his mom was like spencer have you have you been using my credit card for your uber and so he had uber andiveroo on his mom's card. And he just like, he was just like ordering whatever he wants. And she noticed after a while and was like, yeah, that's just not going to happen. But like, I love the idea of the giant.

I don't know how long it took giant. Like he'd be like, Spencer, did you buy a house on my credit card? I've just noticed. Did you get a moat built with my credit card? No, I agree with the moat. Okay. Yeah yeah the moat was a fair call i think that we've got if i didn't have a moat around my apartment i'm sorry there's no way in hell i would live in that dump it's right it's inhumane everyone everyone needs a moat joe i was saying to vogue so you know the way Vogue gets loads of

loads of shit and abuse and trolling and all that jazz oh I no I don't know I actually don't know what you're talking about

at all so things have kind of I guess I've the bottom line is I've started getting a bit of abuse myself which is always a great day

because it means your career is progressing I'm fair to be honest with you when I heard about the news I was thrilled. It was like a new child had been born to me. That's how ecstatic I was about it.

Yeah. Yeah. Because you know Finally. If the trails are coming it means you're doing something right. You know what? She deserves it.

And I looked on with absolute admiration and jealousy watching Vogue get trailed over the years. I was green with envy as she got absolutely abused online. I was like, look at that bitch, how successful she is. Come and get me! Come and get me!

She's got her own hate group. She's so successful! But, so I've started, anyway, I've started getting a bit of abuse myself, which is always a great day. So, thank you. And, but one of them was... Take a bow. Take a bow. always a great day so thank you and but one of them was take a bow take a bow take a bow

thank you one of them is like I think you're really mean to Jo so I got a DM during the week being like yeah she's like

I know you think it's funny but it's not and you're being really mean to Jo and blah blah blah and I was like oh I was like

who the fuck is Jo that bitch that produces our podcast I barely know her Jo who Jo who sorry that probably sounds really aggressive

anyway listen we're all on good terms do we take the piss out of Jo of course we do but he loves it what I will tell you

about that is I get endless like comments of like she's so she's so mean to her husband I can't believe he puts up

with her shit it's like we are irish people we we are not kind to one another and we're not kind to other people either because only when we've had three drinks joe i'm halfway through i love you i love you joe but we do we are we are kind of a slaggy we do have a slaggy culture and not in the traditional sense of slag but like in the in the kind of a slaggy. We do have a slaggy culture and not in the traditional sense of slag, but like in the, in the kind of taking the piss out of each other. We do.

We kind of do. Do you know what? This is how much I like you, Joe. If you died, I'd actually, I'd fully cry. I would cry. Thanks, mate.

Oh, I thought she was going to say Are you not there yet? Are you not there yet, Joe? He's like, I'd love to say it back, but it just wouldn't be true. Joe's being his authentic self. He's like, I love to say it back but it just wouldn't be true Joe's being his authentic self he's like I'm not gonna lie

I wouldn't give a shit if you died but em I thought Vogue was gonna say if you died I'd go to the funeral and I was like please let's not lie

on the podcast Vogue let's just be our real self I'm not I wouldn't dream of saying that we wouldn't go we wouldn't go we would definitely zoom in though Joe we would zoom in to your Jo we would zoom into your funeral

we would hope your parents would invite us but we would politely decline politely decline oh we've got a we've got a no way

I'm not clogging up my feed with that shit it would bring people down he wouldn't even make it to the grid he wouldn't even make it to the grid at the grid

are you crazy I'd have to do a reel and everything no way so funny one insta story in between Sal and everything no way one insta story in between selling Brillo pads

one insta story just like sad news Jo's dead anyway I've collabed with a Brillo pad Brillo never came back to me

that's another job that would probably be because of Joanne okay screwed me over she absolutely screwed me over. She absolutely screwed me over. I haven't drank all... since Sunday.

Look, I have not drank all morning and I am... So this week I got a text off one of my good friends and it was a screen grab from a newspaper article and I was like, fuck, what have I done now? But it was actually, I was thrilled about it. Like, it wasn't real, but for once in my life... Yeah, I know. For once in my life, I was delighted about it.

It said, Vogue Williams to address the Ukrainian... No, Vogue Williams to address the ukrainian no vogue williams to address ukrainian parliament this week and people believed it i think what has happened and this happens quite often when i get google alerts i'm like why is that about it's just because the name vogue obviously whatever if anyone's in a vogue article zelensky is meant to be doing something with vogue magazine and obviously this newspaper mixed it up I thought I would like what would I be saying like I would listen if anyone's out there I would be thrilled to go but like I was delighted about that news hold sorry hold on a

second because I saw that article floating around but I assumed it was like from the Waterford Whispers it was like a fake article there know no no no no are you saying that was a real article it's gone now it's been deleted from the whole of the universe can't find it anywhere but I have the screen crap yes

hold on are you sure are you sure that it wasn't like a parody thing set up no it wasn't a parody I think it was a mistake because he's going to be doing Vogue magazine

how amazing is that that people even if like like some people who don't they'll think that's true there's loads of people now in the world going to be doing Vogue magazine. How amazing is that? That people, even if like, like some people who don't, they'll think that's true. There's loads of people now in the world that will think that I'm doing that

and I'm, I'm okay with that. Okay. Because the photo they used was, it was just like used, I just assumed it was a joke. I think it was me drinking a glass of milk,

but like that's just me in my natural habitat. Living your authentic self. Yeah. By the way, I'm still in jersey obviously have you seen jersey cows joanne they are the most google a jersey cow they're the most gorgeous cow honestly i nearly didn't eat my steak last night are they the ones yeah but you did

though didn't you you murderous bitch listen are they are they the ones so me and prada peter again for dinner later to the steakhouse And I was like What's on the menu For people who aren't murderers And he was like Stop being so dramatic I was like I'm not being so dramatic

What's on the menu For people who don't Want to commit violence Over dinner Have a sour cream potato That's what you can have Are the Jersey cows The ones with the fake eyelashes

I think they might have fake eyelashes Listen They've definitely had work done Because I've never seen A cow as glorious. They are blonde-haired cows. They look amazing. They're majestic.

And they make the nicest ice cream, I have to say. I thought you were going to say it's dinner and I was like, do you know what I have to say? I don't think people eat those cows. They're too good looking. They're too high end.

They're too high end. They're like the kings of the cows. Amazing looking cows. That's actually, that's a disgrace. That's basically going, if you're hot, we're not. This is what pisses me off.

Joanne, I'm sorry. Attractive people get treated differently and it's not fair and I can't believe it's the same in the cow world. It's rude. If I was a black and white cow and I came to Jersey,

I would be absolutely raging When I saw the Jersey cows You're basically saying I'll eat it if it's like Out of ten If it's under a five I'll eat it But if it's an eight out of ten

Nine out of ten cow Like I'm Only if it's under a five I'm not going to eat I'm not going to eat a hot cow Because It's not fair No

No Hot people get treated differently Vogue Look at you So do hot cows. Okay. Go look up a Jersey cow. I actually want to see her reaction.

Google a Jersey cow. Vogue gets different. Hot people get treated differently. Jo, you're like me. We're normal. Would you ever get stuff? Stop trying to make me unrelatable again. Okay.

I got an email recently asking me if I wanted to sort out my eye bags. I said, yes, I do. So you're like, so my new collab is with blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Jersey cow. Oh, yeah. Girthy. Glow up. Gorgeous.

Blonde. Yeah. They kind of look like if Gigi was a cow. It's like she's got a fresh set of highlights. That's exactly what they look like. I want to talk about this before I forget. My new show comes out tonight. Now, tonight is a cow. It's like she's got a fresh set of highlights. That's exactly what they look like. I want to talk about this before I forget. My new show comes out tonight. Now, tonight is Wednesday night.

So if you're listening to this on Friday, it's today Wednesday, actually. I don't know what day it is. Yeah, today's Wednesday. So it comes out tonight on E4. So if you're listening on Friday, please tune into my show, Send Nudes. I really want people to watch it

before they decide what they think about it because it's... That's how normal opinion works. You can't have opinions when you have much. you can't have i know but people oh god you know the way people write about things before they've seen it so it's like it's actually quite a body confidence show um and i think it's oh tell us what tell us tell us what i don't actually know so the whole concept behind it is people who are desperate to get plastic surgery and they're really uncomfortable in the body that they're in they come to uh our crew and they take they go into this thing which creates a lifelike avatar so they have these cameras like I think it's like 170 cameras that pictures every single

part of their body so then they know exactly what they look like naked now what you know yourself when you look back at pictures and you're like oh my god I thought I was so disgusting back then and then you think about it and you're like now that I can see back like I think I'm amazing so like they are confronted with their own body actually how it is um and then they're given the two surgery options that they ask for because some people just like rush into surgery and don't even like research it or do anything around that and then they regret it like so many people regret surgery really um so many the only people that don't really regret it are people who get like um which we have in the show are people who get boob reductions because their their their boobs are so big it actually is like hurting their back and stuff um and also that's kind of functional

rather than aesthetic i guess yeah but it's people who have lost a lot of weight and want to get skin removed so anyway the show will show you what you look like with your surgery and so many people just do not like the surgery and they realize that actually my body is brilliant yeah the way it was but I'm not giving things away because some people want to continue and there's loads of different surgery options so I'd say it's very hard like a tit job you can revert it's very I'd say very hard to reverse a nose job a nose job how could you possibly you couldn't really can't really reverse a nose job is there probably a bit of an identity crisis when it comes to stuff like that because you're so used to your own face and body and then if it especially your face you're like who am I now I don't recognize myself I know but your nose is there because it suits your face you have a

specific nose for your face and if you take that nose away then you just look you remember last week though I was saying I had a dick nose I swear to god I don't know if it's growing or what is happening I had to re-record something three times today because I just looked too much like I had a dick on my nose you've got it you've got that in your head you need to shake that out you need to circumcise your face or shake it out you need to do something I'll circumcise my face um what have you been doing this week so i performed at um leeds festival and reading festival um my agent rick rick giza was like um you're closing the comedy time mate it's a really big deal and i was like oh my god that's amazing i was like it is a big deal yeah i was like did someone pull out did someone cancel

and he's like no mate it's Reading and I was like oh and it's like if it was Latitude it'd be Catherine Ryan she's not going to do Reading you're doing it mate he actually said that I was there

he said if it was Latitude you'd be in the middle of the day but it's Rattingham Leeds you're closing I do the pep talk buddy I respect him for that we were like Joanne was like you don't have to stay here

for our previews and he was like oh no mate I want to and Joanne was like Rick like I know you're lying your left eye is twitching

like it always does when you lie yeah he lies to me he lies to me all the time and his eye twitches what I've done now and poor Rick is when you there's all these you know the way there's so I can't remember how I read something about it somewhere like when you lie you look down to the left or there's some like there's some giveaway when you're lying so every time I

see Rick he's looking down to the left because he's lying to me about something I've never seen him looking up I've never seen him looking in my eyes to be honest so that was always like because now I like just taking I just like kind of annoying him so I'm like would you not come to Reading with me like I'd really like the support he's like his eyes are like fucking buried into the left hand side of the ground he's like mate big family thing yeah big I'm like Rick you're lying you're lying no absolutely but you aren't come on Reading and like inviting somebody to a festival is a bit much

but what I will say is I have got a great crew coming to I had a ball did you have a ball yeah I had a really good time I had a really

really good time they're a really nice crowd really nice audience yeah people that want to be there and I was only

saying Spenny because there was definitely some people who didn't want to be there but apart from them it was really good really enjoyed it

no Joanne everybody wanted to be there that guy threw a bottle of piss at me I don't think he wanted to be there but apart from them it was really good really enjoyed it no Joanne everybody wanted to be there that guy threw a bottle of piss at me I don't think he wanted to be there but like that's what I saw there was piss throwing

there was piss throwing I'm joking no one threw a bottle of piss at me I'm going to throw a bottle of piss at you at EP I can't wait from right beside me I think Spencer

I think Spencer's going to throw a bottle of piss at both of us once he sees the show. He's not invited. We said he's not invited. Sonny, you can't come. You've to stand outside. But like,

I can't wait though. I'm going to do like fun stuff that I never have done at festivals because I've always been drinking too much. So I'm going to go like on a fairground. I'm going to go, I'm going to go to the comedy tent. I'm going to say, get Joanne up for a joke.

Joanne, tell us a joke. Oh, actually we should say now. So basically we've moved because apparently, so we're on on Sunday, but apparently the weather is really, really bad. I know, stop. I'm there all day. So they've suggested we move to stage two, which is enclosed. We would like to say this is not a demotion.

This is not a demotion. We're going from the main stage to like to say this is not a demotion this is not a demotion we're going from the main stage to stage two it's not a demotion it's because the weather is bad I also

do you know what what I will say I don't think the people that listen to our pod want to sit outside in the rain and listen to our pod

I think they'd rather be inside not in the rain yeah not listening to our pod because that's the women that's what we like yeah we want to be dry

we want and men and men and the yeah the two men that's what we like. Yeah, we want to be dry. We want, and men, and men. Yeah, the two men that are coming in, we cannot wait to meet you. We cannot wait to meet you. Joe's one of those men. Yeah, Spencer's the other. Oh God.

Leo Decap oh my well I was gonna say yeah he's back on the market but considering he thinks I'm a grandmother at 36 like but I'm sorry oh you're dead

he wouldn't even see you he would look through you you're in a casket like he couldn't give a fuck I could I could pass for 25 if he had enough drinks it's fuck. I could pass for 25 if he had enough drinks.

It's possible. Yeah, you could pass for 25 if we decapitated you and just showed him your body. You could pass for 25. No, no. I'd have to get rid of the hands as well. Your head is weathered.

That's good. Your head is weathered. Head is weathered. A knee. It's all that I do at our time in Jersey. It's weathered. If I got the head gone, hands gone,

knees gone, he wouldn't have a clue. He wouldn't have. if you showed that man your kneecaps he'd be like that's an 18 year old yeah as god is my witness absolutely yeah um but yeah he's broken up that girlfriend of his as well oh my four they were together four years that's a significant relationship i know but it's really but then like do you know what everyone's saying it's because she hit the age of 25 but actually actually, does she, does she realize that like, oh, I kind of want like something more solid. Like I want like, I mean, as you know, I'd be looking for a proposal after three or four days.

She's waited four years and maybe she realized she was never going to get it. I think he's trailing us at this stage. I think he, like, I cannot understand. Like I would, If I was him. I would do a Tom Cruise. And just pay someone. To be my girlfriend. So that I didn't look like an idiot.

By constantly breaking up. With everyone. When they turn 25. He's so predictable. Is he not mortified? No. But maybe that's his thing. You know what.

I can't wait to see. Who he goes out with next. A headless Vogue Williams. It'll be Gigi. Gigi's up next Joe's looking at us like he's gonna call this I just think he's into

legally like it's all very consensual like and legal and all that jazz he's just a man he's very rich who can afford

he can ride who he wants and he's just his thing is 23 year olds that's his thing yeah and he obviously doesn't want to settle down he just wants to be with like absolutely gorgeous girls that have zero cellulite which is just impossible to believe and that are like like he he has a time they're all right he's Peter Pan but He's Peter Pan. Peter Pan. But like the rides he has gone out with, I can't think of. He went out with. Tinkerbell was a lash.

Tinkerbell, right. But you know what? He went out with Giselle. I remember I was so obsessed with Giselle when I was younger. Like I just, I've never wanted to be somebody more than I wanted to be Giselle. But like he went out with her, dumped her when he was 25.

She was 18 to 23 during their relationship now he was a bit of a child then as well he went out with that bar Raffaele one she was 20 to 25 did we just did we sorry keep going sorry he went out with Blake Lively oh my god She was 23. Erin Heatherton, 22. My God, 20 to 21. Yeah, there's definitely 25, 24 to 25. Something 20 to 24. They're all absolute rides in fairness. Like that's just.

Leo, yeah, he's up there with Wayne Lineker. God knows what he's going to do next. They've got money, blah, blah, blah. They're attractive elder men and they can get younger birds. And do you know what I mean? Why does a dog scratch its balls, Joe? Because it can't. And that's exactly the same theory.

That's what they're doing. Okay. Do you know what I got? Another bit of abuse I got this week, a woman messaged me and she was like, stop talking about your sex life, your middle age. It's really embarrassing.

Oh my God. Oh my God. Did you see? I mean, I thought, when I first saw it, I was like, God, what a loser.

Then I quickly realized that I was just jealous. Oh, I know what you're going to say. The Lucas proposal for a girlfriend. It wasn't a proposal. I know, proposing to be my girlfriend. Explain, I think you should explain what the proposal is.

So Lucas from Love Island proposed to the, what's her name? Owen. Michael Owen's daughter. Michael Owen's daughter. Gemma. Gemma Owen.

He proposed to her, but like, I mean, he had set up this proposal that would be worthy of like a prince proposing to

a commoner so weird it was I know it was weird but was I did I think well

that's quite nice and do I want one of those stupid bracelets that cost way too much money yes I do of course of course we do we want we want one of them stupid bracelets That cost way too much money Yes I do Of course

Of course we do We want We want one of them But we will say It's stupid But we're jealous No so basically He proposed

Not proposed He asked her out It's all this It's been gone Basically like I watched Love Island Gemma has no interest in him This is

Well you know what This is now This is an official show months Right She's got her bracelet She can leave now they're like her fucking

her mother she's always scabbing her mum's jewellery it's worth loads of money so your man Luca was like they've been going out since technically together

since Love Island it's going on months but they're not official officials so I guess he's one of these Love Island people who's trying to figure out how do we kind of maintain this

and be the winners like Molly May and your man exactly so anyway he made this big hullabaloo about asking right with rose petals and balloons and all and it was like I hear to be balloons are shite to be a girlfriend they're also very bad for the environment

get over yourself like what's he gonna do I'm actually fucking proposed or what's he gonna do sacrifice an animal what's next yeah what's next where do you go I'm actually fucking proposed or what's he going to do? Sacrifice an animal? What's next? Yeah, what's next? Where do you go from there? Said two very unjealous women.

I also, it comes back to that thing that kind of annoys me. Like, you know, he had a full documentary team there to record the whole thing. Oh, maybe they're recording a show for ITVB.

Maybe. Look, once you all know it's not real, then it's fine then you lean in and you're like alright fine but like

I just I'm like Luca don't patronise me by assuming that I think this is real because I know this is a lot of wamp

I don't even remember Svenny asking me out I think like I literally we were both hammered and I was like oh if you win the jump I'll go out with you

like it was like it was very unromantic and I want I want a Cartier love bracelet right or a business agree that was basically you making a business agreement yeah if you win I'm not going out with no loser okay exactly you're like if you start making money I'll go out with you but otherwise you jump as far as you can a little I don't know horse horse that's it from us thank you for listening

I've been Daron McNally she's been Vogue Williams and we'll see you at EP see you at EP oh cut that out I'm joking Ha ha ha ha ha ha.