My Therapist Ghosted Me - The Atlantis, A Hot Zoo & Petty Celebrities

Episode Date: January 27, 2023

They're back, after a slightly false start (you'll find out) and they're hitting the ground running. Joanne is down the line from Dubai after her LONG holiday and Vogue is gagging to get into the Shakira / Miley chat! If you’d like to get in touch, you can send an email to [e-mail] is going on tour in Ireland & The UK! Remember to check the venue websites as well as Ticketmaster! For more information about Joanne's gigs, just visit www.joannemcnally.comThank you!

This is a Global Player Original Podcast. My therapist ghosted me. Joanne McNally's back. She wanted to retire. She's been on holidays for six weeks. She keeps saying she's only been away for three. But here she is, and she's not happy about it. I am absolutely delighted that we're back, Joanne. Okay, for anyone who can sense the hysterical tension in Vogue's voice, I'm so used to it now It was a struggle This is Vogue's This is passive aggressive Vogue

Basically there was a technological fuck up We recorded what we thought was maybe the episode of our life It was, it was, I'm not even lying, it was the best episode we've ever recorded It was the best episode we've ever recorded. It was the best episode we've ever recorded.

I'm going to say Jo lost it. Jo fucked up. Joanne is going to start by telling lies. I'll tell you what I really think happened. I'll tell you what I... And after we'd recorded the pod, by the way, I text the pod group and I said, great pod, guys. And I honestly had a spring in my

step. She had a spring in my step she had a spring she had a spring in her step and me and Joe basically live in fear of Vogue and all we we just if there isn't a spring

in Vogue's step me and Joe take Xanax and cry into each other's arms because Vogue reels the wrist so Vogue Vogue texted us

saying we've done a good job me and Joe were absolutely thrilled and then we spent an hour trying to find the fucking thing and it's gone it went didn't record so basically saying we've done a good job. Me and Jo were absolutely thrilled and then we spent an hour trying to find the fucking thing. And it's gone. It went.

Didn't record. So basically... I think I'm being watched by... I think it's some sort of law in Dubai. They don't like gouges so I don't know what's going on. Anyway, the fucking thing was gone so we're here again. I thought that we should start off right

because I actually felt really embarrassed for you. I felt... For Jo, I know. It was really embarrassing for her. Oh, actually, do you want to go back to that? Will I for you. I felt... For Jo, I know it was really embarrassing for her. Oh, actually, do you want to go back to that? Will I tell you what I think happened? Joanne, I'm not being bad, but I'm surprised you even know how to turn your laptop on, okay?

You are the least tech-savvy person I've ever known. And that's coming from someone who is not tech-savvy. I know you didn't press record. It's the only explanation. That's not what happened! Dubai have blocked Zoom. That's what happened, explanation. That's not what happened. Dubai have blocked Zoom. That's what happened, folk. That's what we told you what happened

and you will accept that as the truth. She asks too many fucking questions. It was quick time. It was quick time, Blair, by the way. Quick time. Not quick enough for Joanne. No, not quick enough. Yeah, so what I was actually

really embarrassed for you. So I would love to be in Dubai and I was invited to Dubai. I don't know if you saw there was a party going on in the Atlantis. Remember that party? So I was invited to this party. Beyonce was there. Hold on. Hold on.

Hold on a second. Hold on a second. Let's back this shit up. Okay. I am in Dubai. I'm on week three of a holiday. It's not shit up. Okay. I am in Dubai. Yeah. Okay. I'm on week three. I'm on week three of a holiday. It's not week three. Okay. Is it not?

What is it? Do you mind? You've been on holidays since before Christmas. I have. You have? It's now the 26th of January. Week three, she says, Jo. I've been in the sun.

My face looks like a bin bag. I am like a Dalmatian. I have so much pigmentation. Anyway, we'll get to that. I'm in Dubai for shows, right? Anyway, there's a massive opening party in the Atlantis Hotel. Beyonce is there.

Michelle Keegan. There was a bit of a drop off there on celebrities, but I'm a big fan of Michelle Keegan. I just mean, you know, there was some people in between as well. Ronan Keating was invited. Ronan was? Ronan's? It was Ronan.

I like Ronan. I'm a fan. But like, come on. Anyway. Ronan, that's not fair. But like, that's what I would say if I was you

but as I was invited I didn't care if I saw Ronan there. I should have been there with Ronan but I was too busy for the Atlantis. Who the fuck?

Who wrote this invite list list Louis Walsh who invited these people anyway I was not invited so I sat in my hotel room looking at the fireworks going off which is fucking rude

to be honest anyway I was like folks it's a huge party and I said at least Vogue wasn't invited that's the only thing giving me peace

and Vogue's like oh I was invited so Vogue was invited to the Atlantis party do you know where I was invited so Vogue was invited to the Atlantis party do you know where I was invited this week the donkey sanctuary in Cork

oh my god I'd go there where I will go of course we'll go we'll both go we're going we're cutting the ribbon I told them we're both going

but my point is Vogue gets invited to the glam shit I'm invited to the more feral events anyway I was not invited however

Jo the poor thing was zooming in on the fireworks. You were zooming in with your little camera. Look at them. Look at them.

Well, do you know what I did? Do you know what I didn't do, Atlantis? I didn't Paris filter you, you prick. So the fireworks looked like shit from where I was standing. Didn't even LA filter you. I didn't actually get invited

to the Atlantis I don't understand I knew it I know but you know what I will say right I call bullshit Okay We should have been there

We should They all flew business class Business class It looked a bit It looked a bit lame to be honest You know I was going to say It looked crap

It looked crap like shit I was embarrassed for Beyonce It was crap Beyonce She fucking rang it in I heard it was shit I heard I was embarrassed for Beyonce Beyonce She fucking rang it in I heard it was shit Hold on me and Vogue know how much Joe can you guess how much Beyonce got paid To do that party

How long did she play for I think she just went halo halo And then levitated off Million quid 25 millionid 25 million 25 25 million she didn't even do

the whole show herself she fucking didn't even do Ivy Blue did half of it lazy bitch she didn't even stay in the fucking Atlantis sure she didn't I'd say she was

shut up lifted off her couch no question she probably flew straight home she probably flew straight off her couch she had they had tunneled something for

her I think they just tunneled her out of wherever she lives Beverly Hills

they lifted her off the couch elevated her down onto the stage in the Atlantis I'd say she didn't

even like a puppet didn't even actually stand on the stage and then she got Ivy Blue to do half of it yeah that's what happened and that's

why we're happy by the way that we weren't invited to the Atlantis okay we don't want to the Atlantis. Okay? We don't want to go there. You know what I mean?

Unless you really need to. And Vogue, if you think you're getting duty to do half our show, you're fucking dead right. Dead right. If we're really struggling, tea. Can you imagine 25 million? Can you imagine ripping through the duty free on the way home? There wouldn't be a Magnus left in Dubai duty free if I'd gotten paid 25 million. There wouldn't be a Toblerone left in the UAE. 25 million though

but then, do you know what? I'd be kind of annoyed if I just went for the free trip. If I knew she was getting 25 million, I would have been like, you know what? You might have flown me here business class but I want to be paid as well to go. I think they were paying people. No, they weren't. I know a couple of people who went.

Are you sure they weren't paying people? Would you say no to a free trip all expenses paid like business class flights? You're asking me the woman who's going

to the donkey sanctuary off my own back. Where are you staying in Dubai? Where are you? I'd get a free taxi I'd take a free taxi I'd take a free taxi to a slaughterhouse

if I thought I was going to get somewhere in for free Cut that Don't cut it Leave it in It's exactly what I said about you

You hate chickens You hate animals I'm surprised I invited you to that donkey sanctuary I love donkeys I've said I love donkeys I didn't

Poor Alan Alan just left Just left there We've been together For three weeks Long time And we Can I just say

We only broke up 19 times And he only drove To the airport once Which I think Is pretty good going To be honest Did he actually Drive to the airport

He did a lap of duty free Through nine tantrums And came back No He never actually Left for the airport but there was a lot of threats. Do you know when you're just fighting, do you know when someone's like,

folk, me and you will never get to this point because we just wouldn't, I don't think. And plus, I can't stand any sort of confrontation. With Alan, I fucking live for it. Do you know your boyfriend is totally different? Friends, I'm a complete soft touch. I think you'll admit that, folk, I am. Yeah, you can be be you don't like confrontation

I hate it but you still do whatever the fuck you want those duvets honestly your duvets it's still in my house I do whatever the fuck I want but I will have the decency to turn my phone on airplane mode for a month so I don't have to fight with anyone but with Alan I'm like bring it bitch so like for example

do you know those fights where he'll be looking at me like they're he'll be like if that's what if you genuinely think that if you think he'll be like do you know and they're like

barrelling you down if that's what you think of me I'm gonna fucking get on a plane and fly home and you're too drunk to even remember what he's asking you

but you're like yeah I do you're like I'm not gonna back down you're like yeah that's exactly that's exactly what I think that's exactly what I think that's exactly what I think

pack your fucking gym shorts get the fuck out of here so that only happened once really the rest of them were just like fights that we could fix that's fine

I would be like an Alan though but I'd go full the whole way to the airport of course you would yes I would I'm so stubborn even if I was

completely wrong I'd be like that's it I'm off if I was like caught sleeping with someone else, I'd be like, no, I'm off. That's it. Had enough.

Yeah, you're like, don't you speak to me like that. There's one thing, fighting with your boyfriend or girlfriend, it goes to a level where, like, it just doesn't go with anyone else. No.

The stubbornness. I always feel though, like, if one of us, and I did it the last time actually Svenny and I had a fight over Christmas and I was like

just fuck off and as soon as someone says fuck off that's it you're lost you've lost and I knew I'd lost I was so disappointed in myself

and he didn't even fuck off either still sitting there it's like they say if you bring Hitler into a debate you've lost because it's like the lowest common denominator it's the same say if you bring Hitler into a debate you've lost because it's like

the lowest common denominator it's the same if you lose your shit in a fight that's it the really thing is to really calmly I just kind of smile

really calmly and be like I say things like you're going to really regret this tomorrow I can't believe you spoke to me like that I want

do you know what you're going to have to apologise I would never speak to you that way I'd never speak to you or he'll Okay? I'd never speak to you. Or he'll do things like, he loves bringing Vogue into fights.

Me? Alan does! Loves us. Yeah. Why, what have I done? Because he'd be like, do you think Vogue could speak to Spencer like that? I'm like, are you high?

Are you high? I wouldn't, John. Of course. I certainly wouldn't. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Not me. Do you think Vogue, do you think Vogue would speak to Spence?

Or like, because I'm doing a lot of travel at the moment, he's like, Vogue would never go away for that long. He's dead right, I wouldn't. Yeah, because she's got three kids.

It's nothing to do with her husband. She couldn't give a shit about him. She's got three children that she's all breastfeeding all at the same time. She's got seven tits. That's why she needs to be at home. Oh my God,

that's so funny. He brings me up. I do bring other people in I do sometimes like I say to Spenny about his friends I'm like would your friends be like that now

yeah what would your mom think if she really told me to fuck off like that it's the worst yeah what would my mother think if she heard you speaking to me

the way you're speaking to me I hope Amber or Alzo hasn't heard the way you've just spoken to me they would be so disappointed he wouldn't be your friend after that

could you imagine if the children heard you speaking to them imagine your daughter Gigi Gigi would be like right on

yeah yeah go daddy Gigi yeah oh no Gigi God she's a troublemaker anyway

anyway we've had a great time so Joanne's been on yeah oh no she's a troublemaker anyway anyway we've had a great time so Joanne's been on a permanent holiday we all survived she it's really taken us a long time to get her back on the pod

five weeks and she's absolutely if you look you can't see her face heartbroken well Vogue this is where this is where me and Vogue

differ I have had addiction issues in the past, which I have dealt with. Vogue has an addiction to work, which people... Joe, what are you nodding for? Yeah.

Honestly, you don't choose sides, Joe. You're a very attractive slave driver, and that's how you get away with it. Because you're very well groomed and turned out, so people don't suspect that you're a very attractive slave driver and that's how you get away with it because you're very well groomed and turned out so people don't suspect that you're a slave driver but rest assured she is

Vogue would have had me back on this podcast on Christmas day 100% 100% doing a Q&A too right please

I want to retire I'm going to France going to join the protests I love the French I love the French that makes me love the French I love the French that makes me love the French I didn't love the French before what are you talking about you'll be doing collabs in the grave

you'll be literally doing a collab you won't even pay for your own heads down you'll be tagging them from hell excuse me I actually I had a long conversation with my Uber driver today I swear to God because he was Muslim

and I was like tell me about now what you think about death and he was telling me and then I said that's a real shame because my friend Joanne she's going to hell and I don't know how to tell her that I'll be up in heaven and I was like how bad do you have to be to go to hell and he was like well you could spend a few years there

or a lot of years there I was like she's going do you have to be to go to hell? He was like, well, you could spend a few years there, a lot of years there. I was like, just try and have a long time there. I, because I ran out of Bear by Vogue before I went on my six-month-long holiday. Ghosted 20, ghosted 20. I didn't even have the 20% swipe up code. I had to walk into a physical shop in Ireland

and pay for a bottle of Bear by Vogue because unfortunately it is the best tan on the market which means Vogue I want you tonight to revolute me

whatever I spent in that bottle was it 20 quid because you're not fucking having that cash Joanne I want it back in my revolute account

by the end of the day if you're not organised and whatever sorry and what I paid for the mitt Spencer had you would have hated every second of it

but he had this clean co-party in a nightclub in town where it was all no booze people loved it but there was a ping pong show

right yes of a woman shooting ping pongs out of her her vagina yeah i thought and like think about trying to do it now how does she shot them like three meters far in the crowd this is this is a place in london by the way you can actually go to a place like this where they do shows like that um it's a really cool fun nightclub and they do all these like amazing different stage shows but part of it was the ping pong thing

that was amazing three three metres hold on you know that I did that as part of my acting module pardon

you shot I'm professionally trained in Vaj ping pong of course I am what do you want to make it in this business and you don't know how to shoot a ping pong

out of your Vaj grow up is that what you're going to do on stage tonight grow up yeah if nothing works like do do do

load them in there get the stirrups sorry one man tried to catch the ping pong with his mouth and I thought god it's a bit far

I've seen like so I went to obviously like I mean I say obviously I think most people who go to Thailand they slip into

a cheeky ping pong show I don't know how they do it but one of the women was she poured water well like a clear liquid into herself

she was like I'm going to make it into Coca-Cola so she poured a clear liquid into herself and then I guess like I decanted it back in

I don't know how else to say it into a Coke bottle and it was the colour of Coca-Cola and handed it to a guy in the front row and he fucking drank it. That is

one of the most Glug, glug, glug. That is I actually don't even want to continue this conversation. Let's not talk about the ping pong anymore. That's sick.

Let's beat about Coca-Cola in case they want to do they want to work with us in the future but that's alright. It was Pepsi. It was Pepsi Max. Yeah, I love a Pepsi Max.

Also, there was, sorry, just to say, again on the ping pong show, the same show, a woman, she wrote, she'd put a crayon or maybe it was a sharpie.

Oh, I love this trick. I think I could do this trick. I really do. I 100% do. I've seen you. I'm going to practice it. I've had your, no, I'm sorry,

not seen her do it, Jo. I've seen her pelvic floor be measured to practice it. I've had your, no, I'm sorry, not seen her do it, Jo. I've seen her pelvic floor be measured or whatever and the data was very impressive. So I've no doubt that she could fully. I'm honestly going to try that. Obviously, I'll have a drink first

and then I'll try it. Do full-blown arts and crafts with that thing. She, she, she, you're like your man in Ireland who draws the aisles.

What's his name? What's your man who draws all the aisles inls. What's his name? What's your man who draws all the owls in Ireland? What's his name? Joe, Google Google man who draws owls in Ireland, please. Hang on, hang on.

Don Conroy. Don Conroy, that's it. Don Conroy, yes! Don Conroy, Joe, is kind of an Irish institution. He just used to draw owls in the telly all the time. He'd be loved and grown up.

Anyway, that'll be Vogue. What would you draw? Squirrels. I think I'd be more of an art attack Neil Buchanan. I'd be like doing like this mad, huge art attack on the ground. Yeah. That you'd have to go up in a drone to actually see it. Yeah.

It'd be so large. It'd be so good. I've really trained myself. Do you know what I found, by the way? By the way, there's a man called Pete who works in Global and he helps with pod stuff. Do you know what

that little snake was doing? He had our Global Award in his bag and he was going to take it home with him. In his... Hold on, in his back? In his backpack?

In his bag! He was going to take our... So remember that award that we got that we thought they didn't give us the award. We thought they were cheap. Well, it was an award. We had it and he was trying to steal it.

So I stole it. And you're not having it. Come here. I want to talk about your safari. Oh my God. Yes, thank you. Or as my friend Audrey calls it, that hot zoo that you were at.

Which is like, why would you go to a hot zoo? And I'm like, because it's life-changing and life-affirming, Audrey. That's why. Is Audrey that one I don't like? The dentist? Yes. Oh, yeah.

Audrey's slagging my teeth. What a cow. Of course, Audrey goes to the zoo. She probably goes to SeaWorld as well. No. She's all glitz and glamour. She wouldn't be going to any fucking hot moon. Not at all.

She'd be like you. She'd like her animal stuffed in a bell jar. True. I did think now, I did think right, when you were showing those videos of the zebras, and I thought, now those zebras get eaten a lot. I wonder what happens to their hide. Well, they...

Sorry, hold on. We need to back up because there's so much to say about the safaris Vogue's totally throwing me by talking about having one stuffed and putting her sitting in the room again

I wouldn't do a hold ever you're mad they're huge firstly special shout out and thank you to East African Experience Company

for the trip of a lifetime what they do is they curate your trip for you. I knew you didn't.

I knew you didn't organise one thing about that. There was no way. It was way too good. As if I did. I'm logistically challenged as you know.

So travel companies are ideal. Do they organise even your trip, your flight to Kenya and everything? Every, everything.

You're like a, you're like a toddler. You just turn up and you, they have people like meeting you in airports like coming off the plane, not even in arrivals

and they walk you through emigration and it's amazing. You don't do anything except pay and turn up. It's fantastic and all these amazing hotels

and the animals and oh my God. But it's funny how quickly you get used to seeing these wild animals. The first time I saw a hyena I was hysterical and I took like 28 photos of it and by the end of the holiday

there could be like an elephant dry riding your leg you're like oh fuck off where are the koalas you're like what's next hyenas I always feel sorry for them they really are

they're really are rhinoceros rats hyenas are rotten looking aren't they they're the worst they're so ugly did you see any hippos

yeah stop do you know if you get eaten by a hippo like it is hyenas are rotten looking aren't they they're the worst they're so ugly did you see any hippos yeah stop do you know if you get eaten by a hippo like it is such bad look 500 people a year they kill the most humans in a year we've spoken about this i know i'm obsessed with hippos but this has made me even like they're so nasty and spiteful they don't even like meat they only like like they only like plants that's like me like chasing down a piece of tofu and eating it i don't even like meat. They only like plants. That's like me chasing down a piece of tofu and eating it. I don't even want it. They don't even want to eat you. You have to really piss them off.

Did you know to spite? Yeah. When you said getting eaten by a hippo is really bad. Look, I thought you meant like as in, if you see a black cat cross your path, as in, oh fuck, I was eaten by a hippo. Something real bad's going to happen to me now. Uh-oh. It's like the opposite of seeing three magpies. I was eaten by a hippo. Something real bad is going to happen to me now. Uh oh.

It's like the opposite of seeing three magpies. She got eaten by a hippo. Uh oh, something bad is going to happen. Tell me about the hippos. They're amazing. They're so gorgeous.

It was just amazing. Like, it was honestly unbelievable. I feel like I'm definitely going to go. I was in Kenya and then I was in Tanzania

and I'm going to go back to Kenya next year with the same company East African Experience Company plug plug plug it's a real honeymoon thing

basically me and Alan managed to get a honeymoon without actually having to get married which is fucking class but these are things that you said

you wanted to do now next up is a baby shower right yeah but if hopefully I could do a baby shower with East African Experience Company

which means I won't have to have a fucking baby I can just have the shower exactly that's a good idea you could have a baby animal get a dog get a dog

to be honest after what I've seen I don't think I'll ever be excited by a dog again like I've seen baby cheetahs and stuff do you know what I mean

and now you're gonna bring a Russell Terrier into my life. Do you know what I will tell you? There's a giraffe cafe and you sit in the cafe and the giraffes like eat your food. Where is that? I don't know. It's obviously somewhere in Africa. I don't know where.

But then I thought to myself, it'd be fun for a minute. But then when you're trying to eat your French toast, it's like, OK, guys, that's funny enough now. Bye. Got my picture. Fuck off. It's in Houth. I love it there. We'll go to Fota Island.

I do want to go there. Oh my God, the amount of messages I got off girls. I'm like, should we see that in Fota? Fota is like our own little Irish safari park. It's pretty good there as well. I've never been, but my friends have been it absolutely I've been to Fowda

it is the animals are I haven't been there in so long but like you know it's a couple of animals kind of in Cork

you know it wouldn't be the most exotic of animal sanctuaries obviously but Ireland likes to when we don't have shit we like to make shit happen

like Trebalgan have we ever spoken about Trebalgan before? oh I think we did Trebalgan is that the place that was down? Where was it? And there was that big lake. That was amazing.

No, you're thinking of Clara Lara. I'm thinking of Clara Lara. Trebalgan. Sorry, Jo. You might want to put captions on this. It's Clara Lara. What were the two? There was two slides.

We've spoken about that in Dun Laoghaire and you used to go, what were they called? Rainbow Rapids. Rainbow Rapids. That was deadly. Rainbow Rapids in Dun Laoghaire and you used to go what were they called Rainbow Rapids Rainbow Rapids that was deadly Rainbow Rapids in Dun Laoghaire shut down

did you go they're opening again did you go and kids would kids would lose their at least have like they had this lost property where in the Rainbow Rapids

there'd be literally towels stuck to it and all the place was a fucking death trap then Clara Lara where everyone went for their birthday party it was just a big lake

and they just it was just disgusting they'd throw you in the mud and then Trebalgan was kind of a summer it was just a big lake and they just it was just disgusting they'd throw you in the mud and then Trebalgan was kind of a summer it was like a hotel like a kind of a

summer centre parks resort place for families but in the pool they had a wave machine right so the wave machine

would come on every half an hour and the alarm there'd be this which means you knew the waves were coming and there's two types of kids in Ireland.

The ones that'd get out of the pool and the ones that'd fucking get into the pool when they heard the and they'd be like and I'd be getting out. I hated it. What?

I'd be straight in. See that's how we're different. That's how we're different. You're bravery. But you're a bear grill. It was like getting waterboarded as a seven year old child. It wasn't exactly

what I was looking for at the weekend. They have that at Central Parks. I went to I guarantee you you'd like Centre Parcs you're going to have to start putting in a bit of time with Otto

we're going to have to go to Centre Parcs you're going to love it you bring all your own food and your own booze you stay in a nice house you can have a pool table you can have they have like a hot tub

and I haven't been in years and you'd actually really enjoy this when you go do you not need a child to get into Centre Parcs though? no I think adults go on their own no I am telling you people are on the absolute piss down there because the pubs right Do you not need a child to get into Centre Parcs though? No, I think adults go on their own. No.

I am telling you, people are on the absolute piss down there because the pubs, right, have all these big soft play areas. So the kids just go and play. Yeah, it's brilliant. Brilliant. I thought it was kind of a family thing. I didn't think like me and the girlos would go to Centre Parcs for the weekend. I'll tell you what, that's what we'll do for your hen at home we'll do a hen

for Joanne in Centre Park she'll absolutely love it who needs to go to Spain you gave out when I said

Saint Tropez for your birthday you were like Saint Tropez I'd love that us doing mushrooms in the soft play area in Centre Park

there's a great water park in Dubai right where you stand so I did it when I was I did a travel show in Dubai and you stand in this

like thing and it closes around you and then the floor drops from under you but I got stuck halfway I had to climb out of the slide

I didn't go down I don't know why I don't know why I didn't make it down I don't think I was slippy enough you're too tall, obviously. I was too big for the slide.

But like, I literally stopped halfway and then I was like, hello. I was like, I didn't know what to do. And then I had to crawl back up a bit and like there was a little hatch

and they let you out. So obviously it must have happened quite a lot. I'd love to see your ancestors or your like, now you're free in like Victorian England. They tried to hang you by like, you know, they throw them through the trap door. I your like now you're pre in like Victorian England they try to hang you by like

you know they throw them through the trap door and it's like hey guys just like standing a couple of levels below just like face planting herself on the ground

you are insanely tall people underestimate your height yeah I am large when people see me in real life that's what they always say wow you're so tall it's like

would you say that to me if I was really small you wouldn't you wouldn't stop making me feel strange you're not strange it's a blessing and I'd like to be 5'8 that would be a blessing if you don't revel at that 20 quid I will come into your house and clean out your fridge I will take that bottle of grey goose that I've had my eye on for quite a while in the basement it will be gone okay that's all I'm saying

okay goodnight now that I've done Safari Vogue I'm completely desensitised to death I've seen so many carcasses I'm just like are you ready to die

circle of life no ready for you to die don't say that I'm having real issues around death at the moment when you die I'll be like

oh kuna matata I'll just take a picture of your carcass and move on you'll definitely do a selfie at my funeral look how peaceful she looks she's so peaceful

blow her over with a Serengeti she'd love it good luck Laura Whitmore take that microphone. You're up. Joanne, listen,

if any of us is going to die first, it's going to be you, okay? I've been on dry Jan. What have you been on? You're having the wettest Jan in history. I saw you were smugly sucking something out of a protein shake while in a sauna the other day.

Yeah. What the fuck was that about? I was just having, just getting my protein gains in my sauna blanket while reducing my risk of cardiovascular heart attacks or something. That's what happens.

What's the sauna about though? So saunas, someone told me, right, there's a lot of heart problems in my family. And I thought, I don't want to die. Well, I don't know if it'd be the worst. Anyway, anyway, anyway, I just have to look after my heart.

So sauna is really good for you. I'm going to start doing them four times a week. I tried to do the cold shower thing. Very difficult. It's very cold. Yeah, no, I wouldn't be into that now. No, I think I'd like, I'd love if I had had a plunge pool but I don't have space for it. So I don't have a plunge pool

and I don't want to buy an ice bath because I don't feel like I would really make the effort with that but I just feel like the sauna blanket rolls up you get in

you sweat it all out. You'll love the sauna blanket. Your house is nearly ready by the way downstairs. Is it? Yeah it's ready for you. I built a bar just for Joanne.

Oh I'm so glad I didn't take my duvet now because it's just ready to go back in Amber came back yesterday and Amber's first

thought was where's the duvet I was like I still have it don't worry she's like throw it out I was like I can't

throw it out she'll give it to me You can't throw it out I wouldn't I see I wouldn't cross you either I wouldn't throw out your duvet

Oh no I don't know Very kind of you Anyway I played golf last night I wouldn't cross you either. I wouldn't throw out your TV. Oh, no, I don't know. Very kind of you. Anyway, I played golf last night. I don't know. Was that the videos you said? I don't know if that's called playing golf. Were you at a golf course? You were so crap.

Excuse me? Excuse me? I used to golf. I've got a fantastic swing of course you do I was like I played hockey up to the age of 14

I was like I fucking got this so it's this place called Topgolf in Dubai it's just cool it's like a driving range but like we're fun

I don't know it's for fun and you can play Angry Birds right so there did like there's virtually like kind of a big building in front of you

to hit it and knock it over and stuff which I was actually really good at because Alan's kind of too good so he was hitting the balls over the

where you're supposed to hit them exactly does Alan play golf is he a golfer yeah he plays golf he's got a

a membership a handicap are you going to tell us what his handicap is he's got a a membership a handicap are you going to tell us what his handicap is he's got a handicap but I I call myself Trigger Woods

because I triggered him so badly because I was so I was so accidentally so fucking good but I didn't know the clubs I was like give me the huge one

he's like what huge one I was like give me the one that's hung he's like you're absolutely disgusting but he knew which one I meant it's like fucking that's all I need it's like the size of a Fiat But he knew which one I meant. It's like fucking that size.

It's like the size of a Fiat Punto. I was like, yeah, give us that one. Give us the one that's hung like a horse. Come on, hand it over. I had a ball. I feel like I could be, I don't know, golfier. I think golf would be a nice game for you. You'd have to go out.

You'd have to settle yourself a bit. You couldn't be erratic. You'd have to like have all your shit in order. It'd be a terrible game it's something we could play together Vogue because Vogue won't play tennis with me because she said

she'd find it embarrassing for me no what did she say she actually said I think I'd get the ick off you because you'd be so shit because I don't think

I'd play with you there's nothing worse for me than having like even when I play with tennis a tea I'm like ugh I can't bear it

when somebody's not good at tennis because I don't want to have to like watch them wildly swinging everywhere I'm like it's not for me like me and Sven are vicious with each other

on the tennis court I'd love to see myself I'd love to play tennis with you me just in armbands like on the court like waving this tennis and you're like vomiting in the corner

out of embarrassment for me you know what I wanted to talk about Shakira as you know she was married to this man called Gerard Piquet who by the way

is meant to have a massive dick I don't know how I know that but it's gossip about him you know like it goes around about John Hamm obviously has a huge dick

you can see it in his pants Dappy supposedly has a I don't even know why I care about that because I would not like to see that dick. I'll stick all them in my golf bag. Anyway, Shakira's husband... Down the caddy.

Come on, sorry, sorry. Shakira's husband cheated on her and they broke up. They were married for like 12 years or something. They had two kids together. They looked like the perfect couple, but he cheated on her. And for a while, she was kind of doing the perfect couple but he cheated on her and for a while

she was kind of doing the thing of keeping really really quiet and just not saying a thing well she has done a whole

would you say 180 or 360 I don't know if she's gone the full way yet 180 180 she's done a 180

she's done a 180 possibly going to a 270 maybe possibly we'll get to the 360 yeah she's spinning around a cul-de-sac she's fucking gone nuclear one of my favourite going to a 270 maybe possibly will get to the 360. Yeah. She's spinning around a cul-de-sac. She's fucking gone nuclear.

One of my favourite things that she has done recently is she put this big awful Halloween witch outside her house because her house looks directly onto her mother-in-law's house.

So she's obviously insinuating that her mother now maybe she just liked the witch and she wanted to put it up. I don't know. I don't know what her interior tastes are

but it would suggest that she's trying to say that the mother-in-law is a witch the mother the witch thing I was a bit over my head

I didn't that seemed a bit much to be honest I really enjoyed it that's terrible is it look I don't know the details

but it's on what I would say is the fascinating thing that we've been watching play out with Shakira and Miley obviously when she released her single flowers

both are both are women who feel like they were fucked over by their husbands and they were fucked over by their husbands as far as we know

they were right and what I think is so interesting about it and the reason people are so fascinated is because usually when someone

kind of fucks you over you're told to take take the higher road exactly say nothing take the higher road be the bigger person and you think that

that's the smart thing to do so that they don't know they've hurt you you know what I mean like I wouldn't give it to them I wouldn't give it to them so when you see women get so public

about the betrayal and like lash back it's thrilling to watch it's like I can't get enough of it but what I love about it right so you probably, this is what I think that they're doing it because I've been in that situation before where I'm like oh I just want to say

it but then I'm like no because I don't want to look like an absolute loser because I was cheated on but actually I don't think that they look like losers. I think that they probably felt like the victim of being cheated on loads by their husband, said nothing and now they're coming out and it's like well do you know what I'm getting my own back and I they probably felt like the victim of being cheated on loads by their husband, said nothing, and now they're coming out and it's like, well, do you know what? I'm getting my own back and I don't feel like the victim

anymore. She even was saying that you've reduced yourself to a Casio. Now, he's an arsehole. He needs to start taking it and stop getting involved. He then arrives out wearing a Casio and then she's like, you've downgraded to a Twingo car and he starts driving a Twingo. So he's been, he looks pet, like she's a bit petty, but he's really petty.

I didn't like that at all. I was like, do you know what? You're the one who's left her for a woman half her age. And she's having a go. I think he should just take it on the chin. It was like when Ant and Dec, whichever one of them, left her one Lisa and insisted on taking the dog Harley. Give Lisa the dog. You left her. You've married someone else insisted on taking the dog Harley. Give Lisa the dog.

You left her. You've married someone else. Give her the dog. Just give her the dog. Don't be a wanker. Just give her the dog. So when your man started doing all that car watch shit, I was like, that's a sign of bad character. Anyway, do you know how she found out he was cheating on her? Joe, Vogue and me will know.

Joe, you won't know. Joe doesn't know. Wrong! she came home and there was a jar of jam in the fridge now I don't know who's leaking these stories but I want them to do

my PR as well there was a jar of jam in the fridge that had been eaten and Shakira went full waggity on it and was like he doesn't eat that jam

my kids don't eat that jam so not only was your woman banging her husband in her house she was eating fucking condiments insult to injury I would go rash and you know what if you're a jam eater

and you've put butter on your toast and you're waiting to put the jam on top of the butter and there's no fucking jam left you are absolutely furious Yeah That little bitchy Not a jam

It's a more painful It's a painful pill to swallow If I came home And my Ballymaloo was gone I'd be like I actually don't care You're buying someone else But cheat the next

Come here and eat my Ballymaloo Too far It's over You're dead to me Don't touch my ketchup Jo how would you know Your partner was cheating on you What would happen

How would you know If there was something What would you know in the house cheating on you What would happen How would you know If there was something What would you know in the house What would you recognise What would a man need to use In a house for another man To realise there being a man In the house

Oh I'd know If someone used my razor I'd know that I'm always using Spenny's razor I don't think I don't think he'd know from that I think I'd get away

With it quite easily But then again People have gotten away With it on me Very easily Yeah but they probably Didn't do it in your home No they didn't do it I think I'd get away with it quite easily. But then again, people have gotten away with it on me very easily. Yeah, but they probably didn't do it in your home. No, they didn't do it in your house. So,

another girl, Miley Cyrus, has brought out a song called Flowers, which is a brilliant song. If you haven't listened to it, go listen to it. And she basically was married to Liam Hemsworth, who's like the crapper brother of the Hemsworth.

I'm not familiar with the family Thor the fella the other fella is called Thor yeah I know they're big

kind of chunky looking lads big ripped absolute rippers like surfers anyway it turns they broke up

and no one really knew why Miley and her husband broke up I didn't even know they were married but they broke up and then she comes out with a song

alluding to the fact that he had cheated on her like 14 times she basically rewrote didn't he dedicate Bruno Mars song to her and then she basically just rewrote the chorus about buying herself flowers was all very clever and smart again I don't know who's doing her pure but the rumors around the single are rife i.e. the house that she filmed it in was the same house that Liam cheated on her with. 14 women, allegedly. I wonder who he cheated on.

But that's a lot of women. Remember Tiger Woods with his little dirty dog? He's even worse. Tiger was having full-on relationships with all of them. How would he have the brain capacity? You don't need to be fucking Mansa to ride someone else oh my god

can you imagine having to ride that many people a week I'd be wrecked 14 he cheated on her with 14 women so the rumors

around the song then are that the house was where he cheated on her with those women and they're saying then the

workout routine she's doing in it in're saying then the workout routine she's doing in it in the video is the workout routine that he used to do and she's doing it because he used to go to the gym when he was cheating on her

and that the suit she's wearing is from the Joker that was his favourite film so all these they're basically saying oh if you look in real close you'll see that she has stitched his baby teeth

into her eyelashes and it's all this kind of like they're looking for shit that's not there it's a bit of a like they're looking for shit that's not there. It's a bit of a stretch. Anyway, the suggestion is now

that he cheated on her with Jennifer Lawrence because she's saying that the dress that she wore in the song is the same dress that Jennifer wore to the fucking

some premiere blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Anyway, so it's kind of spiraling out of control now. But they did a movie. Allegedly. Allegedly,

which is how all the best stories start. Allegedly. I don't know why I don't have Jennifer Lawrence down as someone like that she seems more like a girl's girl doesn't she she does

but I mean none of us are saints well she says cryptically since pants are my best yeah Joanne is that was really awkward

when I had to walk in on that don't make that happen again I'll let you away with it once don't I don't even think I'd mind if I saw you banging the fence. Oh, come on. That gives me a nine off.

That's offensive to me and him. Why don't you do a few blowies? You do a few blowies. Give me a break. I still laugh at the time that you tell me. You were like, because me and folks

spend our lives trying to avoid having sex, but it's, we're just not bothered. But you were like, oh, went in for the goodnight kiss. I got pulled in. Do you know when you're like, if the goodnight kiss lasts too long, you're like, here we fucking go.

You have to. Don't do it. Don't do it. If you do anything more than a peck, that's it. Game over. If you get it. Sometimes, I've told you this now. I'm into kissing.

I'm back kissing again. If you do lots of kissing, then you actually, do you know what? You'll actually think, maybe I do want to have sex. I don't know what sort of high class escort service you're running at that house, but I don't think I'd be able

to have sex without kissing. Like, what have you been doing? I don't understand. I'm talking about full on like kissing for ages before and it really gets you in the nude. Is that apple juice? I love apple juice from a glass bottle. I don't know why. She's definitely got fog in that apple juice.

I'm nothing if not consistent. I was looking at her and she opened a new bottle of apple juice and I was like why is she pouring the new bottle into the already half full bottle of apple juice

my Prosecco tour starts back tonight in Dubai and I'm not allowed to have a drink on stage which means the show is going to be about seven minutes long

so I'm getting my drinks in now why? you're allowed to drink in the hotels over there not on stage you're allowed to drink in the hotels but like so

the hotel I'm in you can order a drink in the hotels but like so the hotel I'm in you can order a drink in the bar but you can't take it into the lobby so I can't take a drink in the lift upstairs I can't drink in the lobby

if you go out finish the drink then go upstairs and order it to the room like yeah it's kind of it's a more peaceful way of life

do you know what I will tell you supposedly there's going to be laws brought in that will alcohol will be seen the same way as cigarettes like really like

detrimental to your health which it is I'm not even being smug about this but I haven't been drinking for the month of January and I swear I've never felt better I feel so good

and it's just I'm also dying to go in the piss again but I feel so good I'm going to take loads more time off boozing and yeah I have to say I feel good well I hope you've noticed that more time off boozing and yeah I have to say

I feel good I hope you've noticed that me and Jo have not worked with you since you stopped drinking because you're no crack and the only reason we're starting to re-record now

is because this phase is over thank God so welcome back me and Jo have been recording a podcast every week behind your back and it's doing very well

in the charts let it be said we're nominated for an award folks do you realise we're the only people in Ireland not nominated for an Oscar

have you seen 14 Irish people nominated for an Oscar I know I'm absolutely thrilled for them all honestly I'm surprised that bloody donkey

didn't get a nod for the Banshees of Intersharen he did a fantastic job I haven't seen it yet it's a great film. Oh, it's actually... But I'm kind of surprised, right?

Not that I'm surprised it got nominated for so many things because they're all brilliant in it. People love us. I know, but because it's so Irish, like, I was literally

laughing away watching it. I'd watch it again now already and I watched the whole thing without even looking at my phone. I really enjoyed that film. I know. I couldn't believe it. Spenny put on

Once Upon a Time in Hollywood there about two weeks ago. Honestly, it took us six nights to finish because I was like, no, I'm done now. I have to go like 40 minute batches.

Brad Pitt in that movie. I don't know. Brad Pitt. Is he looking well? I heard he's not looking great. Well, he was looking fantastic in that movie. Honestly, the bod on him.

He was looking great. This might sound like a mad thing to say, but I think I kind of look like him sometimes if I've, no? Did it hard?

Absolutely. Like, do you know the way there's only a certain amount of faces in the world and everyone's kind of a version of that face? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Do you know what I mean? Well, we would look like we're from the same clan, but do you know what, Spenny? No, we won't! Are you joking? We would look like We're from the same clan But do you know what No we won't Are you joking? We would look like You look

People think we're sisters You've got an Eastern European They do No they think me, you and Amber are sisters Amber being the common denominator I look Eastern European Thank you Yeah you do

You don't look like you're I've got a real I think I look Irish No you don't look Irish I don't think you look Irish You don't look Irish Joe looks Irish weirdly enough Thanks

But Amber looks very similar to Matt Damon Anyway back I want to go back I want to tell you don't look Irish I don't think you look Irish You don't look Irish Joe looks Irish weirdly enough Thanks But Amber looks very similar To Matt Damon Anyway back I want to go back I want to tell you about Other celebs that are petty Because I love petty behaviour Did you just say

Amber looks like Matt Damon Have you ever Have you ever seen Amber and Matt Damon In the same room Have you ever seen I'm going to show you You're going to die

I'll do a before and after for you I did think When I saw Matt Damon When that photo of him Went viral Drinking cans and talking I did think when I saw Matt Damon when that photo of him went viral drinking cans and talking I did think

I haven't seen Amber in a couple of days I'm going to show you the most now I am sorry Spits they're the same person in that photo particularly

he does look like a hot lesbian to be fair I'm going to show you more but they are very similar anyway I want to talk about

petty people because I love petty behaviour we love pettiness we do we live for it so Shakira is doing her own

level of pettiness I think she's going to have to start pulling it back soon now I don't think it's even petty I think she's like I'm fucking I'm taking you down

like she also one of the lines for me obviously because I'm an ignoramus and I can only speak one language which is English I can't sing along to the song because I'm an ignoramus and I can only speak one language, which is English. I can't sing along to the song, but I'm so on board with her vitriol that I'd almost consider downloading Rosetta's own just to learn Spanish so I could sing along with it.

Because it feels like it'd be very empowering. I feel like it must be very feminist of you. Very feminist. Very feminist. But one line is, she just goes, I'm not getting angry, I'm getting paid. And I was like. Yeah, nice. Apparently she's made millions off it already Vogue.

Now that it is she also I heard she owes a lot of money in tax. And he did that to her apparently. Oh really? Allegedly.

I read that in the captions for the song. Let's blame him for everything. Okay David Bowie he released intentionally freaky commercially unfriendly and some would say

bad music in the 70s despite his former manager who was entitled to 50% of his royalties until 1982. As soon as the contract expired, he released the album Let's Dance, which sold 10 million copies and made him a multimillionaire. I love that. I love that. Could that be possibly? That is amazing. That's such a, that's amazing. Well, he didn't want to give him any money,

but then he was kind of like, he wasn't making himself any money, but he probably didn't need money. When I write this book, if it's a piece of shit, I'll be taking the same line. I'll be like, oh yeah, well that was obviously

I didn't like the publisher. Purposely done, because yeah, my literary agent at the time was a c***. How many words have you got down now? Do you want to have a book race? I'm thinking of

writing a book Once upon a time There was a girl Phil's like I'm going to hand it over to the ghostwriter now, thank you I think you might be

smart to get yourself a ghostwriter Spooky 50 cents Once upon a time spooky 50 Cent it's the pot of time 50 Cent bought so he had a fight with Ja Rule

Ja Rule was actually good back in the day I liked Ja Rule was he? yeah he was I think living it up all those songs he was actually pretty good

Ja Rule saw him in the airport once very small very small they always are the career makes up for the the insecurity

yeah so 50 cent in him we're having a fight 50 that's why Joe keeps talking on this pod he's 5 foot 2 fucking

fuck you alright Joe stand up Joe stand up go on Joe he bought two rows of Jarrell's concerts

just so they'd be empty seats in the first two rows. That's quite good. Well, Vogue, I'll tell you, that's another idea. Any venue we don't sell those seats, we'll say Shag, Married and Ode

are trying to fuck us over. That's a really good idea. They bought the three footer. That's a fantastic idea. This is off menu with Ed Gamble. This is his problem. He did this. Joe Rogan did this

yeah yeah yeah it was Joe Joe Rogan trying to sabotage us tell me about some petty shit that you've done I'm trying to think of petty shit that

like I always I always think I'll be petty but then I can't be arsed nothing publicly I'll never do anything publicly I can't be arsed nothing publicly I'll never do anything publicly no it's like a tattoo

I think I'll regret it eventually I just think I'll be petty with my friends as in not with my friends like to my friends bad people I don't like do you know what I mean I agree

I've thought of 18 a few times and it's like actually no do you know what the moment's passed I lost times and it's like, actually, no. Do you know what? The moment's passed. I lost the moment. It's like, you know what I mean? I was on my run, though. I was on a run the other day, right?

During my dry January. Yes, I was running. Just after hopping out of my sauna blanket with the protein shake. This in itself feels petty. Don't I feel a bit pointed now? Well, it's a slight dig. So I was on my run anyway.

And you know when you start having a full-on conversation with yourself, and I was getting really angry, like I was really getting into it. And I was imagining myself seeing the guy that had ghosted me before and actually just like him coming and saying hello to me and me just saying back, fuck off. Like he literally, and I was going through it in my head and I was on my run like, fuck off. Fuck you.

And just like sticking fingers up. And then I'm like, what have I got? I kept going really it in my head and I was on my own like, fuck off. Fuck you. And just like sticking fingers up. And then I'm like, what have I got? I kept going really deep into the conversation. One of my favorite things about Bo is she's, she's so like accomplished

and successful and beautiful and all those amazing things like chosen by God. But when someone wrongs her, she really fucking held on to it. Like those abs that's actually just a grudge

they're grudges they're like grudges all lined down the inside of her stomach and she fucking held on to them and that's one of my favourite things about her and this guy who she's talking about I know full well who it is

because we've rinsed him Joanne if you don't you don't tell him to fuck off if you see him oh don't he'll get a fuck off from me as well rest assured

and Vogue aunt and a snarl oh don't you you know if I ever see you you're talking about I am

he'll be lucky to get a snarl out of me my mom's a grudge holder as well I have to say I think that's where I caught it

she's a terrible grudge holder it is hereditary I believe we started a new TikTok so please go and join our TikTok because we're going to be

putting loads of exclusive content up there loads of exclusive bits MTGM on TikTok we're part Joanne get into the TikTok I just feel like me and you can't say TikTok loads of exclusive bits MTGM on TikTok we're part Joanne

get into the TikTok I just feel like me and you can't say TikTok without sounding like we're 80 years of age I know we're into the TikTok

we're on the TikTok but we are on the TikTok yeah we are and we fucking deserve to be there we do we're just as good as we're having a go we're just as good as

everyone else oh and also also our merch hats we've got our hats people have Joanne obviously hasn't been wearing them because she's not going to sit by the pool in Dubai and wear them but don't worry everyone else okay oh and also also our merch hats we've got our hats people have been Joanna obviously hasn't been wearing them

because she's not going to sit by the pool in Dubai and wear them but don't worry I've sent a few her way so she can post along with my book that she still hasn't

posted about sorry the book that you basically stole my name and put on the back with a quote that I didn't give I'm not even asking you if I release another book I'm not even asking you

I'm just putting it there I don't care what are you going to do about it what are you going to do more like reaching for the stars she's full of shit our hats are on sale next Wednesday

how much are the hats the hats are 15 euro or 13 pounds 50 which is actually very reasonable seems very reasonable swipe up swipe up

and I'm in New York 3rd and 4th of February 4th of sell day 3rd is not That's all I'll say About the 3rd I'm not going to keep Banging on about it

Get in there Buy your tickets for the 3rd You're missing out And Mary Beth Barone Is opening You may not be familiar yet But you will be She's fucking

amazing you'll be obsessed okay fab I like that you I like that you get people that are really amazing and you're not like

threatened threatened I am she's doing four minutes alright Mary Beth that's enough now come on!