My Therapist Ghosted Me - The BAFTAs, Golf & Sitzpinklers

Episode Date: February 24, 2023

We've started our run at the Gaiety, and it's very exciting but not as exciting as Vogue's outing to the BAFTAs. Meanwhile, Joanne's playing golf, people are escaping prison dressed as sheep, we want plates and what is a sitzpinkler?!If you’d like to get in touch, you can send an email to [e-mail] is going on tour in Ireland & The UK! Remember to check the venue websites as well as Ticketmaster! For more information about Joanne's gigs, just visit www.joannemcnally.comThank you!

This is a Global Player original podcast. Hello and welcome to My Therapist Goes With Me with me, Vogue Williams, and Joanne McGlowy-Nally. You're looking very glowy today, Honzo. Thank you. I'm 12 weeks pregnant I wish I'm kidding I just didn't drink last night Vogue tell me about your week

you've been busy my week well yeah wow touring touring is full on isn't it well that's actually not what I meant what was I busy with?

What have I done? The BAFTAs! Oh, the BAFTAs. Yeah. Well, that's part of my week, the BAFTAs. So I'll tell you what, right? I'm not one of those people that gets invited to the BAFTAs. I'm not.

I don't even get invited to the TV BAFTAs. And I feel like anyone gets invited to that, but not me. Is there a hierarchy or like TV BAFTAs lower the TV BAFTAs. And I feel like anyone gets invited to that, but not me. Oh, is there a hierarchy? Are like TV BAFTAs lower than film BAFTAs? I feel like there was more A-listers at the film BAFTAs. BAFTAs, yeah. At the BAFTAs.

The BAFTAs, yeah. So when I went to the BAFTAs, so many superstars, like proper famous people. You get there, right? You go in. I felt like, I just felt like, I thought I'd feel like more of a loser, but because I was so excited by all the celebritas around me, I didn't care. I was just like, I didn't care that I was staring at everyone. I was staring at people for too long. Didn't give a shit because like I'm never going to see these people again. We don't mix in the same circles.

But for that one night, I was amongst the stars. You're like, I'm here to gawk. You're like, I'm shamelessly going to gawk at the celebrities. Yeah, you're a gawker.

You're a professional gawker. But do you know what, folk? The thing that it is, the thing about this is once you get invited to the BAFTAs once, once you don't make a tit out of yourself,

do you know what I mean? Once you're not found like topless face down at the Vogue after party, why wouldn't they invite you again? Once you're not heckling, why wouldn't they invite you again? This is it, babe. You're in. You're a BAFTAs person now. BAFTAs, yeah. I might have scared some of the guests with

the staring, but like I think I could get away with that. Now I will say, you mentioned the Vogue after party. Didn't get invited to that. Like, what's their problem? What is their problem? You know, I'm called Vogue. Just let me come. Babe, I think it's the main party's the first invite. Next year, you'll be in at the afters. And you know what as well? I bet they're shit crack. No, they look like good crack. I saw Florence Pugh coming home. Well, I didn't personally see her. She was coming home at 8.40 in the morning. I thought, that bitch is sound.

I want to hang out with her. Oh, I saw. I was like, the papers are so funny. They're like, Florence Pugh. It's basically going, Florence Pugh, session bird. Spotted coming home at 8.45. Like, they might as well have just sat her. Do you know what I was surprised by?

She still looked absolutely amazing. I think she had her makeup artist out with her. She must have just said it. Do you know what I was surprised by? She still looked absolutely amazing. I think she had her makeup artist out with her. She must have. For touches. She looked absolutely glorious. Like she could have been like, that wasn't from the morning after. That was actually from me walking out the night before.

Thank you. Yeah. Can you imagine how much makeup you'd have done for the BAFTAs, for the tele-BAFTAs? You'd be peeling that shit off for weeks. I know. I know. Does the after party have little sandwiches

or anything like that? What goes on? Do we know? Okay. So I'll tell you. Right., I know. Does the after party have little sandwiches or anything like that? What goes on? Do we know? Okay, so I'll tell you. Right, okay. Tell us from the very beginning. So you woke up. So I woke up.

Face down in your own vomit at the BAFTAs. Face down in my own vomit at the BAFTAs. Colin Farrell, nude, beside me. Delish. Jamie Dornan on the other. No, I'm only joking. And I shouldn't say that. Jamie Dornan's married and I've been going on only joking. And I shouldn't say that. Jamie Dornan's married

and I've been going on about him too much. So are you. Oh, yeah. Out of respect for Jamie Dornan's wife. It's all rumours. Spencer couldn't give a shit. Well, Spencer wants to get involved there. We were considering

some kind of thruple arrangement. No, so I got up. Otto, of course, ruined my night that I had before. So I'd had two hours sleep. So I woke up. Otto, of course, ruined my night that I had before. So I'd had two hours sleep. So I woke up. I nearly started crying because I was so tired.

Flew home to London and then I started getting ready. Like I had people over to get me ready. Hair, makeup. I had got my, I had a nice outfit sorted because obviously you've got

the outfit sorted for ages. Outfit was stunning. I know. I did feel like I might have been a bit old for a look like that. But anyway. No! Are you sure?

Yeah! It's the little tits that I have. I was like, oh, they're very little tits. Look at those little tits in there. You're athletic. They're athletic tits. Other people would call them pecs. But thank you, Joanne.

I call them abs. They're abs. You've just two more abs. Two more. Your abs have nipples. You should be proud. Extra abs. So anyway, got ready. We went off to Your abs have nipples. You should be proud. Extra abs. So anyway, got ready.

We went off to the BAFTAs, got there at four o'clock. And their queue of traffic was so long. They had closed where the cars went. I tell you what, they wouldn't have closed it on Leonardo DiCaprio, but they closed it on us. So we had to get out of the car. Get the bus. We walked.

Yeah, we got, hopped on one of those rental scooters Boris bike hopped on a Boris bike imagine getting a Boris bike to the BAFTAs we did we got a Boris bike to the BAFTAs look at me

I'm relatable she's like pedalling up to the BAFTAs don't worry I didn't have to try and act relatable there so then you get there and you queue up

in this long queue for the red carpet and I'm sorry if I'm going to the BAFTAs I want people to know about it so I was happy to queue right there was this man in the queue

shamelessly taking pictures with every single actor I was obviously really jealous because I just didn't have the balls to do it no it's too thirsty it's too thirsty

you gotta act like you belong there do you know what I mean that's the key absolutely pretend that you like flow in these circles all the time. So anyway, I did a lot of staring in the queue. Taryn Egerton walked beside us.

Then there was the man from Lord of the Rings. I forgot his name. Then we saw Brendan Fraser. Oh yeah. He's so tall in real life. He's back now. He's like, he's back. Like the pistachio nut.

He's back in fashion. Yeah. A's back now. He's like, he's back. Like the pistachio nut. He's back in fashion. Yeah. A hundred percent. But he's really quiet. But Spenny said it must be because he got that like nine minutes standing ovation. So now he's turned into this little, so like this was his smile. You know what I mean? Like not really a smile, like a little smile, but just like, like really like a quiet man.

Anyway, who else do we see? Jamie Dornan. Spenny was talking to him. I was too embarrassed because he was so good looking. Do you ever get that? When someone's too hot and you're like, I can't, I can't talk to you. Yeah. I would have guessed that with Jamie Dornan, those kind of hot, particularly Irish actors, I find when you see them in person, they're like, they're tiny. Is he tall? He wasn't that tiny. He was around Spencer's size, so quite small. Quite small. Yeah, quite small.

Yeah, that's Polly Pocket stuff, so it wouldn't be for me. Moving on. So then I spotted Colin Farrell. He was about like five meters away from me, laced in Bare by Vogue. Laced. I thought you were going to say cocaine

and I was like, wow, fair play. I didn't realize he was so brazen. This is the problem with the Baftas. I guarantee it's way more boring than it looks. I'll be honest. Okay, sorry. Finish anyway.

Okay, I'll keep going up the red carpet. So anyway, we're on the red carpet and obviously there's loads of really famous people but everyone's queuing up and there's a queuing system

in all walks of life. Queue in the queue. Some people, I don't mind if you come to the top of the queue because, I mean, if you're Cate Blanchett, you can kind of go to the top of the queue because I mean if you're Cate Blanchett you

can kind of go to the top of the queue you're talking about queue skippers yes people who skip the queue there's a few people that were skipping the queue but a few people that are allowed to skip the queue name and shame name and shame Cate Blanchett skipped the queue but she's Cate Blanchett I can accept that yeah you're I understand yeah you're like it's Cate Blanchett she's got she's got carte Blanchett is that got she's got Carte Blanchett is that a thing yeah she can do

whatever the fuck I should be writing for the Daily Mail that's a fucking great headline go on anyway but there was someone else

who skipped the queue and I thought you know what you should not be skipping the queue my friend oh I'm not saying

who it is because it will just like turn into a big war oh who are we going to war with the neck the absolute neck. I thought,

excuse me. Your days of skipping the queue are long gone, love. Yeah. One, two, skip a few. I don't think so. Not for fucking you, my friend. You're lucky you're not an usher at the boxers. I have a lot of respect for that artist I do I do I really like them too I don't want to point out who it might be but yeah kind of piss off we don't want to give too much away by the gender there's like 12,000 people about me

but I thought you know what Honzo no no no but yeah go on because I'm not going to say anything to you and so how did they navigate the skipping of the queue? Did they kind of tap dance their way up the side? Or were they just very obvious? Balls deep, straight up, didn't give an absolute shit.

But some people really like believe, like, I know where I stand in the alphabet. And some people are, yes. You know what I mean? Kate Blanchett, she's not even on the alphabet anymore. She's like past the alphabet yes you're V for Vogue for very out of her depth

at the BAFTAs exactly you know what happy to queue I'm happy to serve the drinks guys I'm happy to serve the drinks I'm just glad to I'm just happy I'm here

happy to be here happy to be here I'll walk people to the toilet no problem but you know what happened then which really put me back in my box so we're queuing up Brendan Fraser

it's a wall and there's like three people on it at the same time so everyone gets their picture Brendan Fraser's at one end

Spenny and I are in the middle and Cate Blanchett comes on and starts at her end well when I say the camera's diverted

in the two the two the two other directions Spenny and I were just standing there still smiling at nothing.

Smiling into the wilderness. I love the I love the visual of these two cameras having like an allergic reaction to Vogue and Spencer and just like

pinging off in opposite directions. Spenny will deny that down to the ground but it's what happened. I was there and I saw it. Anyway, then we went in. I went with San Pellegrino. So you get invited by brands and actually we had a nice time. We had a good table, which I was happy about.

Who was on your table? Hit me. Just the San Pellegrino crew and Joe Sugg and his dancing partner, who are also very nice people. They're not famous, though, are they, San Pellegrino? No, they are. Oh, famous. San Pellegrino. I mean, who's the face? I mean, were you sitting with a load of oranges?

I don't understand. Excuse me. In the world of water, they are the most famous water. Oh, San Pellegrino. Yeah, you see, everyone knows them. Yeah. I was thinking of that orangey,

what's that orange stuff? I know, what do you think? They do. They make that lovely lemon drink as well. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, I'm a huge fan of San Pellegrino.

I love their work. They should have been up for a BAFTA. Anyway, so yeah, you get invited by brands. So Joanne, I think that we should start reaching out to people now. We want to go next year. Why doesn't Bear by Vogue have a table at the BAFTAs?

We couldn't afford it. Oh, fair enough. Yeah. I mean, San Pellegrino is a billion dollar company. I'm on my way there, but we can't really afford a seat at the BAFTAs just yet. Well, I am bringing out a line of tote bags. So depending on how that goes, we could be all there on my ticket next year. I heard the tickets.

So I heard the tickets are 30 grand each. Like, can you imagine? But what's the crack? Like is Cate Blanchett's not paying 30 grand? No, she's not. She's not paying a penny. But you know what? Surprise, not a goodie bag in sight.

Not a goodie bag in sight. Maybe not for the water people but maybe there's you know what I mean maybe bottles of water aren't their huge priority sorry what are you what are you trying to say nothing are you more famous now than when you went in I'd say so I'd say slightly so but did you tell everyone about the podcast what was the point of you going well I was sitting there writing notes the whole time I'll be honest about different things that happened when I get well I get my notes out actually because I did write these down thinking I'll forget that now I wrote down best people watching I literally I'm surprised I didn't fall off the balcony trying to look at them and one thing I

loved because last week when we did our first Gailie show I was so shitting myself that I thought that my I was going to just like buzz off stage from shaking so much. The host, Richard E. Grant, his hands were shaking. He was absolutely terrified. Why that, why no one gave that lad a Xanax or a bit of CBD or even a bit of rescue remedy? Like once the hands, once the hands go, it's game over. Cause they know you're weak. I told you before when I did my first arena show, it was, um, like it was for, it was John Bishop put on a charity show, um, in three arena. And I was by far the kind of newest comic on the lineup. But, um, it was a bit of a tick, tick diversity. We need a woman job. And I was like, bing, bing, straight in. I was like, I didn't give a fuck that I'm here for diversity.

I mean, I'm here. That's all that matters. But, um, the hands were going so, cause it was huge. It was like, you know, huge. And I took a Xanax just to stop, just to stop the shaking. Because I was like, if I go out there shaking, I'm already kind of the weakest sheep. Do you know what I mean? No, you can't, you can't be shaking. And I did, it did make you think that like, oh God, he's so nervous. I went out there solid, like a rock. I could have done surgery with those hands. Don't remember a thing about the gig.

She just stood there in silence and thought she did a good job. She actually said a word. Yeah. Eyeballed everyone. Thank you. Good night. Enough. Thank you for having me.

Poor Richard E. Grant. I think that we should really host it next year. I'm willing to put myself forward. I think we should. Vogue, we couldn't even host the Razzies. no one wants anything to do with us I know oh do you know what though it's so funny like the way there's this like ongoing there's this ongoing tobacco between British awards British press and Irish actors and Irish yeah and them claiming

Irish people as British when they've won something or done something good but then if they've done something terrible like it'd be like British comedian Joanne McNally donates toys

to Ormond Street Hospital but Irish comedian Joanne McNally is done for drink driving on the way home it's like they want you when you're hot

and they don't want you when you're not hot but no they're a clever bunch they're a clever bunch they're a clever bunch the Brits I'll tell you what the Irish

the Irish cleaned up but I think that I think the Banshees of the Vintage Iron was up for best British film yeah which I did

like it couldn't be more Irish I know listen they want the I don't blame them they want the awards do you know what I mean

I have to say I mean you could be political or you'll take you'll take the credit I'll take any award I know I would worry what you would take to be honest I mean, you could be political or you'll take the credit. I'll take any award. I know. I would worry what you would take, to be honest.

I'd take fucking anything. She would take anything. Hand it over. Colin Farrell, right. I kept a good eye on him throughout the ceremony. He's gotten a lot of attention on this podcast since we started.

There's been a lot of threats to going by on Colin Farrell, which is sick and disgusting. But we have done it several times. I know, but he did. He was waving at me in the queue. Was he, yeah? He was like, Vogue, Vogue, where's Joanna? Tell Joanna I was looking. Yeah, he was waving at me. Had you done the mushrooms? He said, I love my therapist ghosted me. This is when you'd done the mushrooms, was it? Just half a queue. Your trip to the walls. I'll tell you, this is how much I fancy

Colin Farrell. And Colin, if you're listening to this, and I assume you are. He is. He's an avid listener. He told me. I fancied you when you were wearing bandanas. Ah yeah but that was he looked hot with a bandana. No he didn't and I still I was like because love is blind so to me there was no bandana there was just a full head of hair. He's got a great head of hair. I loved Colin Farrell so much that I went to his brother's dance school just in the hope that Colin Farrell would show up one day and he didn't. Is that true? Yeah, but I did learn some street tap and funk.

Wow. Yeah, no Colin Farrell though. I'm like something, oh I love Colin Farrell and he wore hats. I love Colin Farrell, I liked him when he wore hats. I love Colin Farrell, I liked him so much I love Conor Farrell he wore hats I love Conor Farrell I liked him when he wore hats I love Conor Farrell I liked him so much

I broke into his home sat in his kitchen I used to do I waited for him to return from rehearsals I tell you what if I knew where he lived he'd be in serious trouble

Emma was there in the background by the way because Jo's we won't even talk about what Jo's doing I can't IMO is there in the background by the way because Joe's we won't even talk about what Joe's in I can't I just

it's unbearable to me we believe there is a child coming into the world that has something to do with Joe so he's not here anyway apparently he's the father

no excuse yeah I don't think he's giving birth why isn't he on the call IMO anyway thank you for filling in IMO's not as thirsty so she doesn't keep

her mic on. Imo just sits in silence willing to be in the background. Joanne, how was your week? Well, I'll tell you how my week was. I started playing golf this week. Oh. And

finished playing golf this week. So basically, it's a one-time thing. I had a one-night stand at the golf club basically, and I will not be back. It's a long old game. It's a long old game. So basically when me and Alan were in Dubai and I did Topgolf and I actually was kind of good, but you know when you can't figure out if it's just beginner's luck or you're actually like a child prodigy of golf. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, I mean, I saw the videos. I don't know how good you were. I hit all the Pokemon off the castle on the screen. So I don't know what you're, that's what I did in Topgolf in Dubai. Okay, okay, okay. I killed all the minions on the screen. So I don't know what you're, that's what I did in Topgolf in Dubai. Okay. Okay. Okay. I killed all the minions on the screen. So I don't know. I mean, what can I say? You're fantastic at golf. Sorry. Sorry. Thank you. Thank you. So anyway, Adam's like, come on, I'll take you out to the golf course and we'll get around in, I guess I say.

That's so boring. I know. I was like around. Yeah. He's like, no golf. I was like, fuck's sake. So anyway, we're on the golf course and he has this little buggy that he pushes around like a pram full of, and a little Michael Jackson glove. He's an electric buggy. So he's a full on golfer. Oh yeah. Wow. When I say, first of all, I used to play hockey in school. That never leaves you, that position. It's the opposite of golf. I took so much grass I moved more grass

than a Mexican drug cartel in the space of an hour like I levelled the place levelled the place sorry

sorry you only went out for an hour no no we were there for ages actually we played six holes gee that you know

I that's amazing he's such a cheap Alan's such a cheap bastard so he's digging around in his little pram for all the golf balls and I was like

there's golf balls here and he goes no no no no he was trying to give me the cheap ones because he has like expensive golf balls and then he was trying

to give me the like pennies hun golf balls like the fucking Euroland golf balls I think that's kind of fair enough though like how many did you lose a lot

my handicap my handicap is so high that I could win just by getting off the buggy to be honest. I could just put a foot on the ground and they're like her handicap is so high

she's won. She's beat everyone. But like it's kind of just like snooker but standing up. It's a weird game. It's a weird game. And it's not even

he's like it's a sport. It's like the only exercise genuinely the only exercise I got was using the rake to get it out of the bunker. It was the only time I broke a sweat. Well, I come from a golf family. My family talk about

golf all the time. They watch golf all the time and they play golf all the time. So I used to have to play golf when I was 14 and I got thrown off the golf course because I kept arriving down in belly tops because there's loads of lads there now. Oh yeah,

I had to wear like a special little jacket. Yeah, you have to be like dressed really appropriately. But like, I'd be going down and there'd be loads of lads

around the golf course so I'd be like trying to look like a ride and I'd just go down in my little Calvin Klein belly top thinking I was deadly lying across the golf course

and then I got kicked out. You got slut shamed out of the golf industry. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm a fantastic golfer. I did notice, Alan has like a little golf gilet and all, do you know what I mean?

It wouldn't be, you wouldn't be going, wait till I get you home. No, no, it's not a very sexy sport. No, no. It's quite pimpy, quite posh. But I was like, honest to God,

next time I'm going to bring a metal detector with me so I look like I'm digging up the place on purpose. Like I've heard loads of cash be put underneath or something. It was, you know the way women fought really hard to get into golf clubs. And I was like, I've fucking sent them back by 60 years. It just wasn't my thing. I think you're more of a darts girl.

I think I did love a bit of darts now. Yeah, darts is a great game. You just sit and you drink, you have fun. You just like, that's more your sport. I don't think golf is really for you. No, it's too posh. Yeah, it's not even that it's too posh. It's just not for you.

Anyway, I'd say if I tried to, it's a Paris Court Golf Club. Like it's quite a posh golf club. Oh my God, you were there. That is posh. I'd say if I tried to join now, I'd have a hernia, but yeah. No, I'm surprised they even let you stay there. That is posh. I'd say if I tried to join now, they'd have a hernia, but yeah. No, I'm surprised they even let you stay there. Sorry about the damage. Sorry about the damage done.

Apparently they had to close it off then to kind of put the grass back down. Are we going to talk about the Gaiety? I don't really know what to say. Well, it's my first time doing a tour. Joanne's just been touring out of her mind. We went, we started our tour in the Gaiety. And I have to say, it's very, it's so much fun.

I'm trying to teach Joanne the new ways of touring. And so we were really well behaved last week. We didn't go out in the dirt. We didn't go wild once. But the tour, you see, it's different when you're touring. Like we, I wouldn't really call a touring quite yet because we are literally

doing a show a run in a in a venue in the city that we live in so that's a little bit easier it's when you're bouncing around different places it gets harder

and you're staying in hotels and like hostels excuse me I'm not staying in Dublin I'm bouncing around from London over to Dublin

I'm allowed to say that that's true I've asked Mary we have'm allowed to say that I've asked Mary we have a lovely tour manager Mary I've asked her for stage manager stage manager stage manager

I've asked her for decaf tea this week I'm going down a new route decaf tea and grapes okay Emma can you imagine

how much crack she has to tour with I get more crack out of Theodore at this stage Speaking of Mary our stage manager We've a couple of stage managers Mary's one of them she's amazing She won't mind me saying this I had to ask her one of the days

Oh my god are you going to say this Yeah Okay she asked me I had to get the morning after pill Right so I was in the venue And I couldn't get out I was in the venue and I couldn't get out I was in the venue do you know it's always a bit rushed

you're in rehearsals and obviously at the moment we're kind of tweaking the show the show is we're trying to see what works what doesn't work

blah blah blah so every day we're in early we're in about three o'clock to go through what worked the night before

what didn't work how we tightened improved all those kind of things yeah so I said to Mary I was like Mary listen come here

you wouldn't run out and get me. We're not, well. And she's like, okay. Mary is a woman in her fifties. Folk. Mary is 55 years of age. So, so she runs out and I, she said,

your man called her in for like a consultation. He was like, when was the last time you had your period? And she was like, it's regular enough. And he's like, when was the last time you had sex? Anyway, she thought it was really funny. Thank God. And she was really sad about it.

But she said your mom was just staring at her gown. This is a lot of bullshit. But the thing about it is that I think people should be able to get the morning after pill for you like I would have preferred Adam Godwin had got it for me but he couldn't I think that you should just

yeah 100% you should be able to just get it but like I also I'd be too like I don't know I wouldn't ask

because not myself well I see I know Marriott Marriott did all my Vicar's Treats and me and Marriott are thick as thieves but also like it's a bit like

it's a bit scarlet that you're like you have to go in and you're like I don't want to be asked loads of questions I know I need the morning after pill give it to me

we know what happened like when she last had sex it wasn't three years ago I wouldn't be here it was clearly in the last 24 hours did you see in the news this week well there's been loads of stuff in the news I wanted to talk about.

I saw that this man, right, he tried to escape a Bolivian prison. First of all, I wouldn't be trying to escape prison in Bolivia. I feel like you're just getting loads of trouble. But anyway, as a sheep. Yeah. Did you see the pictures of that?

I saw something, some man in a fleece or something. No, he was, he wrapped himself in sheepskin and was, he was crawling through the grassland surrounding the jail, like with the little sheepskin on him, trying to just like canter out of, out of jail. Canter out of jail. Yeah. He was trying to canter out. Imagine, imagine putting on the fleece sheepskin thing and being like, oh, they'll never know. And the size of him, like he wasn't, he was a big man. He was a large sheep, a large sheep. Fair play to him. I like, I admire his creativity. Spenny said he would try and break out of prison immediately. I'm too much of a wimp, I think. It would really take me a while to work up to breaking out of prison

but like I definitely think I'd give it a go some people, this murderer arranged a friend to fly a helicopter onto the courtyard and the four masked men got out of the helicopter and cut through two heavy metal doors and escaped, your man escaped

so they literally flew into like that's pretty, where was that? Because that must have been very, that must have been an expensive exercise. And then he tried to escape again. No, El Chapo. Sorry. El Chapo? A tunnel. Yeah. El Chapo. He's the famous dude. Yeah. Well, he's escaped prison loads of times. The second time he built a tunnel under the jail.

So people built a tunnel for him under the jail in Mexico and 33 feet underground, nearly a mile long. And he had lights and everything in the tunnel. I think, wasn't he a very important person? Emma, who's he again? He's a Mexican former drug lord. That's it. A Mexican former drug lord that's it a Mexican former drug lord he's who I'm moving all the grass for

that's him El Chapo Frank Morris who was a bank robber and three others escaped from Alcatraz fake heads were made

of paper mache very artistic yeah and hair from the barbershop tools barely suitable for assembling Ikea living room set

helped the prisoners to access an unguarded ventilation shaft but the thing about escaping from have you ever been to Alcatraz? Unguarded

imagine your job was just guard a ventilation shaft imagine like training up in security you're like not humans just ventilation shafts they made themselves a little raft

because obviously it's a rebound current. They just, if you can escape from Alcatraz, you should just be allowed to leave. You deserve it. Yeah. Do you ever watch Bound Up Abroad? Yeah, it really frightens me. I'm surprised you haven't ended up somewhere like that.

It's so good. But like a lot of them, they do escape. I know. There's some particularly good episodes where they escape and it's it's always it's usually Bolivia Bolivia must have a weak

security system actually because I think I'm not the first person I've heard to escape from Bolivia I'd say you wouldn't escape in Japan and I don't think

you'd escape in Thailand have you seen the film Broke Down Palace with Claire Danes and Kate Beckinsale yeah that's a good film it's brilliant

but it's not real but I did think it was at the time but apparently they didn't get on. Oh well I don't think I wouldn't get on with her either

Kate Beckinsale she's too much of a ride have you seen her? She's not real. I only hang out with mingers isn't that right Joanne? Whoop whoop whoop

whoop whoop whoop whoop I don't hang out with anyone over four out of 10. So obviously I had a slow week, but one of the things that I was, an article I was reading about was the fact that pistachios are like the new thing I like to see what the trends are you know what I mean if it's like lots of pistachios what's going on pistachios they're saying it's like gonna be everything pistachio eye cream pistachio spread pistachio butter why is pistachios I don't know so I don't know who makes the decision I don't know someone's up there going avocados you're right pistachios

you're in I don't know how it works that's know who makes the decision. I don't know. Someone's up there going, avocados, you're out, pistachios, you're in. I don't know how it works. That's what's actually happened. Yeah, there's food trends. Like remember it was like prawn cocktails. No, I don't remember it being prawn cocktails. I still love a prawn cocktail, Chris. Well, it was the 80s,

but like there's always these trends. Oh yeah, yeah. If you've got a bit of downtime and you're in your office, I'm talking to people listening to the pod now, have a look at We Want Plates. It's really funny. So it's just all these photos of people trying to serve food on these ridiculous things like shovels and spades. And one of them was like a fry. Someone served it out of a jar. I know they're trying to be interesting,

but imagine going on a date with a lad and watching him trying to lick mashed potato out of a fishbowl. I think that's kind of sexy. I'd like, do you know, yeah, because they think you'll go if their chips are served on like a rustic boomerang or something. I do like an old chip

in a pretend fish basket, a pretend little metal basket. I like it. You mean a trolley? Yeah, I love it. I love a chip in a trolley. A chip in a trolley. Yeah, that's the thing.

Where are those fucking tiny shopping trolleys? What's the crack with them? Those little shopping trolleys should come with little canals so you can throw them in after. Where they truly belong. Where they truly belong. And do you know what else I love?

I love soup in a bread bowl. Like when the bowl is bread. You never had that? No. When they dig out the middle of the bread and then they put soup in it and then the soup soaks into your bread and you eat crusty. Oh, it's amazing.

But anyway, so I was looking at all these weird food servings and there was like asparagus being served in plant pots and stuff. Some of them are hilarious. But then I came across this. So there's a place you can get a croissant and inside the croissant is a piece of sushi. Oh God, that's rotten. I know I sound like a born again Christian, but that's not normal. Like that's not normal. Sushi in a croissant?

No, but I have seen a croissant sandwich, which is pretty nice. It's like getting a scone and then cutting it open. There's like a Tamagotchi inside. It doesn't make any sense. Tell me, Joanne sends me these weird snippets when we're trying to do stuff for the pod. So all week I'll just get these weird random stories

that she sent. I actually didn't read it. I only saw the headline. What happened with Tiger Woods? Now that you're a golfer, what happened with your friend Tiger Woods? Well, now that I'm in the golfing business and the golfing industry,

Tiger Woods was playing with some other lad. You know me, I don't know the details. Anyway, your mom wasn't playing that well and Tiger Woods slipped him a tampon as a joke, i.e. like you're playing like a girl, i.e.

you're pathetic. And of course, I mean, Tiger Woods doesn't have the best reputation as it is. So of course it kicked off. I think that's really unusual for Tiger Woods

to do something like that about women. Really? What? Tiger Woods is saying to women? We're all shocked. That's so strange. Where the hell did he get a tampon? Like, does he just carry the tampon around as a joke? Well, I had a look,

I zoom in on the tampon and it looks cheap as shit. It doesn't even have an applicator. Like, it was, you could tell it was a light. This is the thing. Like, look, as a comedian and Vogue yourself also as a fellow comedian, we respect, we respect anyone's right to make a joke. Yeah. We respect your right to make a joke. But this whole period thing as a weakness, it does trigger me. Like-

It annoys me because you know what? I will say I feel a little bit weak when I have my period sometimes. And I know I shouldn't say that, but I feel emotional. I feel sore and I feel extra tired and I don't need people being in a horse hole

about that yeah because you're shedding you're shedding your uterus also the fact that he gave him a light tampon it's even more offensive that wouldn't even wet the sides of an actual period

like get me super plus now bitch super plus I was like if I used that the force of my cycle would push it out so hard it would crack the patio

so slipping him kind of a tampon light. Also, he's got a daughter. He's got a teenage daughter. I know, but he's Tiger Woods. He's just a bit like, he's just a bit stupid. Do you know what I think he is? I think he's obviously very well respected in my sport, but like, and an amazing player. I think he's a bit immature. That's what happens when you're a billionaire. I know.

He is so filthy rich. I actually met him before and I was DJing at this event in Melbourne and he was kind of nice to be honest. But that was just before Yeah, it was just before

all that stuff came out about all the women. So he was probably looking for more women. I actually felt sorry for him because like, whatever. It's a stupid joke.

It's a kind of a teenage boy joke yeah then of course he got absolutely rinsed and people are like what about period poverty do you know what I mean there's countries that don't have yeah I know yeah I know these things always escalate it's like uh-oh he was like I was just trying to be a wanker with the lads and I got caught There was one more story about, in German, there's a word, right? One of my favorite words. Oh my God.

I read, I read. I know exactly what you're going to say. I read this this week. Sitzblinker. Spitzblinkers. Sitzblinkler. Sitzblinkler. Yeah.

Well, we love that word. It's actually very hard to pronounce. It's actually very hard to pronounce. Sitzblinkler. A man who sits to pee. 70% of men stand because they've always stood. Women sit. Now, I will say Amber and I used to practice standing and weeing when we were younger,

but that was just something we did. It's not really, actually. You just have to face forward. No, you just face forward. Yeah. Look at Emma. Emma, have you never had a wee standing up I have

yeah I'm going to do my next wee standing up as an act of desperation but apparently in Germany they're mad for this they're really trying to advocate for to sit down I think it's like a health thing

so they have toilet seats that when you lift the seat it'll come out apparently you can get it in Angela Merkel's accent to say please sit down please sit down

please sit down take a break take a minute 70% of men in Japan sit Apparently you can get it in Angela Merkel's accent to say, please sit down, please sit down, please sit down. Take a break. Take a minute. 70% of men in Japan sit. 70% of Germans stand. 70% of men sit. I'd actually rather they sat because I mean, honestly, like there's always dribbles on the floor. I live in a house with some men and it's not great. Like I wouldn't have, I wouldn't have a toilet. You know the way you get those toilet mats under your toilet don't bother like they just get pissed on it's gross there is something and I like I mean look I know I'm saying this I'm part of the problem but there's something a little emasculating about sitting down and I know how a man urinates shouldn't impact me at all his body his choice but I just feel like tuck in the willy sitting down it's's you know it's the tuck it's the tuck and rowl I don't know it's like do you know

I just think piss against the wall like a real man that was my feeling on it and I suppose if I ever was a man I think I would like to like if I swapped body with Spencer's

one of my things that I always said I'd do first like I'd love to go and do a wee and see what it's like to do a wee like a man

that's the first thing you would do well no obviously I'd have a wank and well no obviously I'd have a wank and stuff like that I'd have a wank I'd go and have sex with myself

obviously go have sex see what you're dealing with what you can improve yeah score me out of 10 see how good I am in the sack

yeah see what it's like to have sex with a dead fish yeah I am the dead fish why would I ride a damn squid

I'm going to ride myself see what happens yeah but I saw that that piece about the spit sprinklers and I did I did think it was very interesting

because the Germans are mad for it but I think it is a health thing or I think it's a hygiene thing actually it's also a hygiene thing because in 2015

a court in Dusseldorf ruled in favour of a man's right to urinate while standing when his landlord sought financial compensation for urine damage to the marble floor. Not great urine damage. Hold on a second. What was that man drinking that he burnt through a marble floor? Well, wee is like all the crap from your body.

You don't want wee going anywhere. Yeah, but that's like you were drinking battery acid. Like that's pretty intense a marble floor do you know what John I was on stage well before we went on and I literally stood there

and I was like why am I here like I don't understand why I'm doing this do you ever get that feeling sometimes with shows the pressure is so much that you are standing

in the wings being like why have I chosen to why did I choose this life for myself? Like I could be, do you know what I mean? Could be working in a petrol station, getting high in the fumes, having a great time, thriving and striving. But why am I here? Can we do, I've been threatening to do this for weeks. It's still in the pod document. I don't know why I was looking at your tweets, but I was going through your tweets and then I thought I'd

actually go through and find some very funny ones that you probably don't remember tweeting. This one you won't remember from the 6th of December, 2016. You said older men were the ideal boyfriends for two reasons. What were those reasons, Joanne? I would say nearly dead and something about taking the house. Wrong. Older men are ideal boyfriends. You can serve them Werther's Originals for dinner and their cataracts mean you'll always appear filtered. Oh yeah, I forgot. I used to do that. I actually used to do that cataract joke. Let's bring that back. Cataracts. I used to say cataracts. They're God's Paris filter.

That was the joke. Thanks, Vogue. It's great to brainstorm. The 28th of November, 2019. You were going on BBC Five Live to talk about what two things? Oh, what year was this? 2019. Had COVID happened then?

What was going on in 2019? This is one of my favourite tweets. Yes, hello. I'll be on BBC 5 Live at 11pm talking about clitorises and Prince Andrew Oh yeah that was during the whole

Prince Andrew and clitoris debacle Strange I've never I haven't heard from BBC 5 Live in a while Go on What accident did you witness in a coffee shop that you said was the most exciting thing to happen to you all day? Did someone spill something hot on themselves?

I assume I saw someone else in pain and got a sick thrill from it. Something dark and weird. Sitting in a very loud coffee shop watching a handyman drill a new lock onto a disabled toilet door. I know there's a woman in the toilet. He does not. He's drilling her in. I'm saying nothing because I work alone

and this is the most exciting thing that's happened to me all day. Do you know what's so weird? I read a tweet the other day that was almost that word for word, except it wasn't a disabled toilet. So I'm wondering, did I watch it happen? Because I was obviously trying to write material and I would test it on Twitter. I probably saw someone drilling and then just in my mind was

like, what would be funnier about this? There'd be someone on the inside. I don't have an original thought in my body. It was probably a lie. Or else she's still in there. Just skeletal. I actually want to do one more. One more, I promise. Okay. You compared it to drinking a can of soup through a straw. You said nothing disturbs you more than what? Bloody Marys? Nothing more disturbing than watching someone drink red wine in the sun. It's as confusing as if I had to watch someone floating around in a lilo drinking a can of soup through a straw. It's just testing

the comedic water. It's probably got two likes, doesn't it? Like you are, like the way you drink wine is disgusting. You would drink really warm wine.

You put your wine in a microwave. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, I won't have that said. You do. I put red in the microwave. I put white in the freezer she's very kind to herself that girl I'm a ditch pig when it comes to booze but I wouldn't drink hot white and that is my that is my that is my boundary I have a standard I need to get white wine drunk with you I, I'm just so frightened of the hangover the next day, but it really is a lovely feeling of warmth.

I'd love that. Vogue, we are so overdue. Like, because me and Vogue work together now. So everything is so worky, worky, work, work, work, work, work.

We're actually really overdue because every time then we rearrange to go out together, your family comes along, all 28 of them, which is fine, but you know. Yeah, no.

Might be nice to just me and you do something yes well I we will organise a date we'll go out and it'll be lovely yeah because it's all

work work work work work I know I know I feel very like that now at the moment to be honest with you a boring little cow but I am flying home tomorrow

and I'm only bringing one child how about that got rid of the other two. Joanne doesn't like them so I said I won't bring them back this time. Who's getting left behind? Well, your least favourite's coming over.

Who's your least favourite? Spencer. He's not coming at all. I told him he's not invited anymore. Otto is coming over with me. Ah, baby Grotto. We love him. Smiler.

over with me ah baby Grotto we love him the smiler thank you for listening thank you for listening felt a bit chaotic this week

it did feel chaotic but you know what it won't feel chaotic to you because Imo has to switch things all around and jig things back in and that's when

it sounds normal and then we don't sound like we have just vomited into the microphone just screeched words at Emo for an hour thanks for listening sorry Emo we love you Emo

love you bye bye everybody thanks for listening goodbye and thank you for listening to my therapist goes to me Thank you.