My Therapist Ghosted Me - The Christening Test, Joanne's Blindness & Revenge Rides

Episode Date: November 18, 2022

It's a late release this week, owing to Joanne's inability to podcast 15 minutes after her laser-eye surgery. HOW did that plan not work?!? There's plenty to catch up on though, with Otto's christening this weekend and a surprising act playing the same venues as The Prosecco Express...If you’d like to get in touch, you can send an email to [e-mail] is going on tour in Ireland & The UK! Remember to check the venue websites as well as Ticketmaster! For more information about Joanne's gigs, just visit www.joannemcnally.comThank you!

This is a Global Player Original Podcast. Welcome to My Therapist Ghosted Me with me, Vogue Williams, and her, Joanne McNatty. It's been quite the week. Let's get into it. Good morning. Good morning. We're not going to call it good morning. We're just going to say morning because it's yet to be decided whether it's going to be good or not. And so far, the last 10 minutes were painful. I've had a nice morning. Well, I've had a nice morning. I've had a nice morning. I can't,

I can't lie. I have had a nice morning. And also to add to that morning, I finally got Joanne to, to record the pod at a time that suits me down to the ground, 8am. Hold on, how have you had a nice morning? Have you had any sort of experience before now? What have you, what time did you get up at? Well, Otto also woke me at 10 to 6 then I coaxed him back asleep about quarter past 6 because I was like you know you're supposed to get up with them at 6 because that's meant to be a normal time to wake up uh I don't think that's true I tried to sleep till 7 so I got to sleep till 7 had breakfast with Gigi who's going around like she looks like a little old woman she's got a dressing gown on slippers a handbag which she has at all times and she just goes around looking like a little old woman she's got a dress and getting on slippers a handbag which she has at all times

and she just goes around looking like a little old woman trying to put a water bottle in this tiny little satchel when Otto wakes you up what does he like what does he

does he just like come in and shake you what does he what does he do so he just walks in and he just says mama

mama and then I just he walks in yeah yeah on his legs on his legs yeah just walks in and he just says, Mama, Mama. And then I just... He walks in? Yeah, yeah. On his legs? On his legs, yeah. He walks in.

No, he doesn't. He walks in and he says, Morning, Mama. No, I'm sorry. You're trying to suggest Otto walks in with a cryptic crossword and a coffee.

He's like two or something. No, he doesn't do crosswords. He likes... What's that other one called? You know that other one? Sudoku. Sudoku. That's what he likes. He likes, what's that other one called? You know that other one? Sudoku. Sudoku, that's what he likes. He's really good at Sudoku.

He just wanders in, having just solved a Rubik's Cube, and we start the day. That's exactly how we started our day this morning. I wanted to talk to you about Otto, because it's his Christmas thing this week. I know. I know as in,

is that an I know I'm not coming, or an I know I can't wait? Of course I'm coming. I know as in, is that an I know I'm not coming or an I know I can't wait? Of course I'm coming. I'm just worried because I'm in, I've took leave for Southend. I'm in Southend that Sunday night. And I'm just worried that the queue for the Godmothers is going to be so long that I'll be late for my show. That's what I'm worried about. But I'm going to be there.

But I need to get in first. Well, I thought that we could start right? I have some questions for you about Otto. Yes I will perform at the christening thank you. Yes I will. I'm sure the priest would absolutely love you

imagine. I swear to God that priest would throw us out if you went on stage. Listen if there's a mic on that altar, you'd want to keep me away. You're lucky I can't see anything at the moment because when I'm around a mic, no one's there. Look at the shades. Where's the other ones? I love

those black ones. And wine. Mic and day wine. Mic and day wine in a church. Good luck. You should have become a nun. What are you doing with your life? Wrong profession. Do you know Spenny always, he's like, he is, he has a thing

for like, if I was to dress up, I haven't done it yet, by the way, before. If I was to dress up in a nun outfit, he said that all men think that, Jo. I don't think so. I really hope we can keep that in, because that's... He's into a bit of, well, he's into nuns. I suppose it's the celibacy

it's kind of hot I guess the kind of no no oh no basically I think what's he saying he gets enough of that shit at home what are you talking about no I literally find myself sometimes doing like like you know when you do that like when you'd be

in school you'd be like oh no please no and I know he's coming back from a week long trip today and I've had a great time alone haven't had to do anything I've been living

a happy celibate life and now he's coming home and he's like oh I'm gonna get you and I'm like oh no gross put a gum shield

on your crotch lock it up get a shutter like they do for the shops oh my god yes basically Spencer Spencer's suggesting that he wants to dress up as own what he's actually suggesting it up. Get a shutter like they do for the shops. Oh my god, yes. Spencer's suggesting that he wants to dress up as own. What he's actually suggesting and what I believe he is suggesting

is he wants to ride a virgin. And you can tell him that fucking ship is well sailed with you. I'm sorry, my friend. That's why it has to be a fantasy so extreme he needs you in a habit on a floor

then black dress I'm even worse than you are my friend sister Vogue sister Vogue no oh back to the

christening back to the christening stop you're gonna get me barred again I swear sorry

um uh she gets me to lose jobs I'm sure that Theodore didn't get into a school of choice at the start because of this podcast oh come on two jobs and one school for your child you lost like go on

what have you gained folk what have you gained this is exactly true actually I'm absolutely convinced of it okay if you want to skip the godparent queue which is excessively long this is exactly true actually I'm absolutely convinced of it okay if you want to skip the godparent queue which is excessively long

for the christening and you know what I was actually telling the priest because you have to tell him who's going to be there all Irish godparents you'll be happy to hear

all Irish James Ciarán you Megan that's a good squad like we could have a good sesh Wanda let's get I was going to say you chose well none of us are going to live till our 50s Ciarán, you Megan. That's a good squad. We could have a good sesh, Wanda.

I was going to say, you chose well, none of us are going to live until our 50s. You're going to have to rebook when we all die. I'm actually, now that I've mentioned the group, I'm like, shit,

I better have champagne in my house beforehand because they won't hold out until one o'clock. I'll get you to my house around 12, we'll start drinking. Is there, like is it a proper mass

like are we kind of shaking hands and eating Eucharists and stuff I'm all about it I love a good mass I haven't been in ages I know

another vibe I was thinking that like I didn't even think of any readings because I just I just thought I just thought it's a quick thing in and out

christening on the head done I love reading so I'm happy to choose I just thought it's a quick thing. In and out, christening, on the head, done. I love reading, so I'm happy to choose. You could sing, Em, our father, who art in heaven. Do you remember that song? I always knew the words, because obviously it's the same as the prayer, so it was quite handy. And we didn't have a father, so we were always screaming for them.

Our fathers were actually in heaven. So it was quite handy. And we didn't have a father, so we were always screaming for them. We were like, what's happening? Our fathers were actually in heaven. Freddie, up in heaven. Oh my God, I started crying on mine and Spencer's pod the other day because I was reading, I don't know, I don't know how it happened. Anyway, I was reading about what happens to a body. You don't want to know. I'm not telling you. I won't upset your day.

You've already had a bad morning. I know what happens. You explode. You pretty much do. You'm not telling you. I won't upset your day. You've already had a bad morning. I know what happens. You explode. You pretty much do. You just liquefy. You liquefy. No, all the gases get trapped and you blow up. No, you don't blow up. That's not what it said.

I'm telling you, it's called casket gas. You blow up, they have to stick a fork in you like a sausage in the grill to release all the gases because if you didn't, just expand you have enough holes in your body to get the gases out no no no no no you don't you don't you don't have to come out speaking speaking of things like that like supposedly what this is for the gangsters who murder people and chuck them in a river you're meant to stab the body so it sinks just in case yeah I was into hooligans growing up I've seen the shit

go down if you want to skip the queue right you need to answer five of these very simple questions first and the fact

that you half believed Otto walked into me this morning does not fare well for you well I did I did think it sounded a hundred

percent I was like maybe he cops in on one. I didn't think it sounded a hundred percent. I was like, maybe he cops in on one leg. I didn't think he'd be using the two legs at this stage. Go on, why? Okay. What is Otto's middle name?

Parenthesis or something, is it? Parenthesis. Otto Cornelius. That was a really easy one. You didn't get it. Otto James. Oh, grand.

Okay, fine. His initials are OJ. Not great. My cousin told me that just before and he was like, you can't call him that. I was like, I can call him that. No one's going to be like,

oh, here, OJ. Like, they'll just forget about the James part. Well, now I know what I'm getting for his christening. A silver necklace with his initials OJ dangling off the end I thought you were

going to say something much more sinister I'm going to take him for his tattoo his first tattoo I'll be like he won't remember OJ since he'll be too young

I'll be like you need to get OJ tattooed on your chest your mum will be delighted now when was he born I'm not going to ask you the date I know you won your mum would be delighted now when was he born I'm not going to ask you the date I know you won't know

the date but what month was he born it was around Christmas time oh come on what how do you know

February April what's February shit oh Christmas time she says Christmas time someone was born oh sorry that was Jesus sorry Shit. Christmas time. She says Christmas time.

Someone was born. Oh, sorry. That was Jesus. Sorry. I knew someone was born at Christmas time. Well, I don't even know why I'm going to bother asking these other questions. Come on. I'll ask a few easier ones.

Does he have any teeth yet well I mean I could be pedantic and say yes they're all there technically because I've seen the x-rays on Buzzfeed all your teeth are stacked up

ready to pop does he have any coming through I would say no well done ding ding ding ding ding she got one right he's all gum at the moment gorgeous Well done. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. She got one right. He's all gum at the moment.

Gorgeous. It's such an old little man smile. He scrunches up his nose. I didn't want to say that, but it absolutely is. He looks like my granddad when my granddad used to give me his teeth to clean and then he'd smile.

Why do my kids look like old people? Honestly, I'm going to send you a video of Gigi this morning wandering around like a granny and then him like a grandad sitting over the other side. Their skin is beautiful though. I'd love to have that skin. Skin is beautiful.

Is he eating proper food yet? No, if he's got no teeth, there's no way he's sitting down eating like chops and all. But I would say he, well, you, God knows what you're feeding him. Probably like pigs on a spit or something Mummy caught a hippo I haven't had any meat

this morning by the way thank you Kay Mummy caught the children of snow leopard but they're about to go extinct oh God catch more

we need to stock up any chance anyone sent you those taxidermy knickers? I've been sent them so much. They're actually gorgeous. They're like, they're like this cowhide.

They look like cowhide knickers. What? No, no one sends me anything. Taxidermy knickers. Can I just say something as well? And it's becoming offensive, everybody. Anytime I post something something even if i

don't even think it's embarrassing people are like oh wait joanne sees this i can't wait to see what joanne says about that i'm like do you just think joanne spends her whole life trolling me i'm actually very supportive of your decisions it's literally about everything I post folks I could post a tribute to my dad

and they'd be like oh wait till Jan gets her hands on this one but because Vogue is like she's the she's a brand's wet dream I kind of she kind of throws me in sometimes as part of the deal.

Like, I'll do it, but you have to give Joanne something. I'm like a bargaining, like the tragic, like fucking sister in the basement. I love this colour, but Joanne would love that colour. Just in case. You're going to have to give Joanne something. You're going to have to give her something. Pair of taxidermy knickers come on give her something please

yeah she needs them okay two more can Otto say any words I would say he is saying mama no wrong does he not say anything yet he doesn't say anything yet wow is that normal

yeah he is not behind in his development of that i was gonna say i admire i admire your honesty just telling us that he's behind in his development it's so unusual for a mother as his godmother what is his favorite thing to do smile oh he does he does he smiles a lot he's one of the smiliest babies i've ever seen he's got loads to smile about he's got the life of Riley

I know but sometimes we are like what is he what is he so happy about all the time it's 100% of the time that his eyes

are open he's happy he's the best baby so basically you're at the back of the queue you're outside the church

at this stage I'm going to let my mom and everyone go in front of you to give him a kiss let me show you something because I know that you love an olden day baby do you want to sneak peek

of what he's wearing this is Theodore's old christening outfit have you ever seen something so cute hold on a second is that so that was what Theodore wore

and that's what Anna was going to wear yeah Paul Costolo made it for Theodore and Theodore shat all over it but actually

Paul Costolo Paul Costolo made it for him and Theodore shat all over it but shout out to Isle of Arning who I paid by the way

but they they got the stains I couldn't believe it one day how is that possible my question is so and this is a genuine question

so what do you get children for christening is it still like can I give them a hundred quid do you get like well I'll tell you what

he won't be getting a hundred quid it was me a few bob we're on tour. Plug, plug, plug, plug. Plug, plug, plug. Where are we? Get out the adapter

while we plug our fucking plug 28 venues. We need a three pronger. You know those ones that fit three plugs in at the same time? We should just hire

an electrician to come in and do it for us because we're terrible at plugging ourselves. Oh God, the cough's back. Oh, she's smoking again, girls. I actually did have a couple of cigarettes

the other day. Did you? Yeah, I was like, don't start this now. This is a slippery slope. I was really anxious about a show and yeah,

I lent on the old, lent on a fag. I lent on a fag for the evening. Hoisted myself up in a fag. I lent on a fag for the evening. Hoisted myself up in a fag. But like I say, it's a hide into nothing. Zero stars. Do you know what it is?

Sometimes your body, you have these feelings that you feel like are going to be calmed or diluted by a cigarette. The second I light it, every single time I'm like, this is disgusting. And I either put it out or sometimes I'll smoke it just, I don't know, because I'm like, this is disgusting. And I'll either put it out or sometimes I'll smoke it just, I don't know, because I'm like, waste not what not. I'm sure this, but you know,

whatever. So you just smoke it, but there's, I literally can't, I don't enjoy anything at all, any of them anymore. But sometimes I do fall into L patterns. It's like,

even when we were on holidays, like I would start, because Amber smoked and I was like, go on, give us a smoke. And I'd literally have like two drugs. I'd be like,

do you want my smoke? Cause I feel so sick. But like, for some reason when you're drinking, you like, you like struggle through the feeling sick part. You're like, no,

I gotta smoke. I'm drinking. I'm doing all the stuff I shouldn't do. It's not for me. Um, I've just Googled christening gifts. Yes. Cause all I know is I got loads of little tiny spoons and all.

Yeah, that is the kind of jazz. That's what you get. Yeah, you get tiny spoons, little bracelets, all this stuff that you'll never wear. Well, you might wear a bracelet. Well, I started a credit union firm. That's what people do. I think my mom's setting up the post office account,

so that's not for you. That's my mom's doing people do I think my mom's setting up the post office account so you're that's not for you that's my mom's doing that I don't know I was looking up as well because like I've got this girl making a cake for me um she was like what will I put in the cake and I was like Jesus I don't know and I started googling what to put in a christening cake but it was like a bit full-on I said just put yeah just put also James and they're like the flames of hell that he's no longer going to. Welcome into the Lord's arms, Otto. Now that might be a bit full on for the guest list I have coming.

We'll just assume it's a gay disco. Yeah, we're heading to the Lord's arms after, yeah? Oh my God, I hope you don't go on fire when you walk into the church that's a strong possibility

I have a surprise I don't want any jealous eyes okay okay something arrived last night oh my god

Who's that? Focus Focus waving a pair of Dewberries Into the camera I And They did the little

Twirly laces for me Oh my god Show hold them up again there To say To say I'm thrilled And they make your feet Look small So for someone who has

Actual boat feet Like me If If something Imagine these A pair of denim shorts thrilled and they make your feet look small so for someone who has actual boat feet like me if if something imagine these pair of denim shorts little white t-shirts i'm gonna be so cool it actually do you know what right i they just bring suddenly i'm just i'm back i'm eating cheddar cheese sandwiches in the yard like all my all my memories of being whatever age it was in a war that was like coming back my my gabardine is wet in a puddle at the back. Like drag about. At least you didn't go for the brown ones.

But you have kind of a summer look, which is quite yachty. Like you do quite have quite a nautical look. And they would look good for that nautical look. I think I'm booking a holiday to France. That's where I'm going to go. These belong in France. And they sent me these wellies. And supposedly Rod Stewart loves them.

All the cool people love their wellies. And now I have a pair. I've joined their gang. How do Dubris know that Rod Stewart loves his wellies? Because obviously they've spotted them in the wellies. The royal family go around in the wellies. And now Vogue Williams wears the wellies. Not Joanne McNally.

She's not. Royal, you're royal family adjacent. What does that mean? Kind of, you're not in them but you're kind of sniffing around. Aren't we all?

No. We are not. Oh my God, speaking of people like that, Bob Geldof spotted him in Battersea Park the other day. I said,

how's that knighthood going, huh? Do you regret taking that, Bob Geldof spotted him in Battersea Park the other day. I said, how's that knighthood going, huh? Do you regret taking that, Bob? Do you regret that? People of Ireland. It's like, you're like, give us a bit of that knighthood. Do you remember in Mean Girls

where he broke up the crown and gave it to loads of people? That's what Vogue wants Bob to do with his knighthood. She's sweating for a bit of knighting. Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I have to get this in, right? I have to get it in. Bear by Vogue are having a Black Friday sale 30% off. Would you believe, Joanne? 30% off until midnight on the 28th. But you don't have to buy anything because you get it for free. Vogue, do you know what I wouldn't believe? That we're like 48 minutes into the podcast

and you've talked all about yourself and now you're plugging Bared by Vogue and no one has talked about the fact that I'm blind. Well, I tried to bring it up earlier but you brushed past I certainly didn't blindness is not something you brush past

Vogue but you're not blind you were blind and now you can see I think that's a quote from the Bible oh god the priest doesn't

listen to the pod. Will you relax? Now your eyes look great to me but that could be because you weren't drinking last night. Who said I wasn't

drinking last night? Jo, do you remember that time she turned up on the pod when she said she'd gone sober and your eyes were like this

crystal clear colour. I was like, I've never seen them like that She looked like a Disney character Yeah I remember it so well My poor little eyes So come here to me where are your fancy glasses? I much prefer

the other ones I know the ones that they so basically got laser done Jo was it how many times did you get laser eye surgery? Yeah you told us very late in the game. And I said, I said, Joanne, I don't think you're going to be able to record the pod tomorrow.

No, I will, yeah. I was like, I don't think you're going to be able to. No, I will. I will. Okay. Yeah, I know. Do you know what my problem is? I don't think about anything. I just kind of do it and I don't think, like, anyway, basically, sorry, just to explain.

I haven't noticed that of you, Jo. I don't dwell on things, which sometimes is great and sometimes is beneficial and sometimes it's a disadvantage. So for laser eye surgery, it was a bit of a disadvantage. I was like, hey, it's grand, they're just laser in the eyes. I'll be back online in an hour. Wait there. Opt to Laze, who very kindly gifted me the gift of sight back in the day laser eye surgery yeah they'd like literally like they'd pull out an eye and all this but now oh my

god so it's all done by computer so you go in they scan all your eyes and everything right and then they program this computer now obviously there's a surgeon there it's not like you're just going in and sitting in front of a till in Tesco. What was your vision before? Bad. I don't know what number it was. If there's 20, 20, I don't know how it works. I think I was like 1.5 or something. I don't know where I'm getting that from. I could

be making that up. But I'd failed my driving test, eye test. That's how bad I was. So like screens in the airport, couldn't read. You know what I mean? Like I didn't know what flight I was getting on half the time. All that jazz. Blind as a bat.

And it's 15 seconds on each eye. That's it. Done. And it was so funny though. You're the nurse, Fiona. She's really sound. And she was like, listen, just, you know,

this is what happens and this is what happens and they talk you through it all. And then then she was like and there's a smell of burning in the second machine but it's not it's not as burning off your eye it's just the smell of the gas from the machine so just you know like people think it's it's not it's not don't worry about it and I was like all right grand she goes that's just like a myth I was like all right cool then it turns out I have this thing called dry eye. So there was an extra bit of drama around that. Cause you need wet eyes for surgery. Anyway.

So I met the surgeon. He was really saying as well. And he's like, listen, just, you know, but, and then there's this smell of gas and that is us vaporizing the

iris. And Fiona, the nurse was in the room and you could see her just kind of going really rigid. And I was like, Fiona, you liar. Because basically he'd ratted her out.

It is, that is what it is. But she was trying to protect people. She's trying to keep her patients calm. But anyway, so it just burns for a second. And then it's over. But you can't feel a thing.

Nothing. Now, I wouldn't be reckoning. What do they give you for it though? Tonics or something? No. Nothing. No. They do put like,

what do you call it eye drops they put drops in your eyes yeah that are like anesthetic yeah exactly sorry anesthetics in the eyes

okay but and that's it and you're right it's amazing and I've got oh they put flaps in your eyes I don't know why

I don't know what that is he's like then we put the flaps in so I've got little pockets in my eyes now little pockets if you want it and store it I don't know I've got little pockets in eyes. I don't know why. I don't know what that is. He's like, then we put the flaps in. So I've got little pockets in my eyes now. Little pockets. Do you want it in storage? I don't know.

I've got little pockets in my eyes. I don't know. He just said we put flaps in your eyes. I don't know what that means. Who knows? I don't know.

All I know is now I've got eyes like the Matrix. I can see into the future. I can see through walls. And now I'm on steroids for the eyes. Steroids for the eyes. Can you put eye makeup on? Little drops. No, no eye makeup for the eyes. Steroids for the eyes? Can you put eye makeup on?

Little drops. No, no eye makeup for two weeks. Little steroids into the eyes. Eye drops. So I was like, should I be going into the gym now? Hang on, are you with those glasses the whole time now?

You're showing up on Sunday and keeping those things on all day? No. So when you first get it done, you're really sensitive to light. But that only lasts a couple hours now I'm just wearing it because I can't wear eye makeup

oh okay well remember Gina got her eyes done and came to see you in concert and she said that you looked green did you have any eyes yeah no

no I don't know where sounds like she got hers done on wish.com I got mine done with a very reputable company but yeah so my eyes are on steroids now

so they're probably gamier than usual and a little bit violent. I'll be in the gym eye fucking all the girls at the weight machines. And your pupils will go really small

like the balls of your eyes will go really small. My eyes are, yeah, my eyes are yeah my eyes are really gamey but impotent my eyes have never

been stronger but they can't get it up hello but yeah anyway because there's I think people think I would as well that it's a very it's just because it's the eyes people think I would as well that it's a very

it's just because it's the eyes people are weird about their eyes naturally so but like for for it to take 30 seconds

to have eyesight like that's unbelievable it's crazy it's like the future it's like magic and then yesterday I had to wear because I was getting

on a flight and I had to wear so much like eye drops oh my god Jo you'd want to see me I looked like I crawled out from the bottom of a gangbang my whole face was just soaking wet because they'd like dripped

everywhere yeah because you're a comedian now and you know it just comes with the territory you're like it's called satire guys okay satire that is another word I'll have to google I went to Winter Wonderland

last night and I have decided that we are going there for our work night out we have to have a work night out I have have you ever been

no I haven't actually oh my I've never I've realised now well I knew this before because I'm currently filming a scary TV show and they're like

can Vogue stop laughing I when I'm really frightened I just laugh I can't help it it's like my nervous thing that I do I went on that

you know that slingshot ball where two people sit in and they slingshot you oh my god it was so funny. So we're having our work night out in Funderland. Or no, not Funderland. Winter Wonderland. Funderland's in Ireland.

That's our winter wonderland. It's called Funderland. It's like our kind of Central Parks meets Disneyland meets Slough. Yeah. Is it in the RDS? I can Slough. Yeah. Is it in the RDS? I can't remember. Yeah, I don't know if it's still around, to be honest. Thunderland was great crack.

None of yous are really, like, you're not, you don't seem very excited by our working night out at Winter Wonderland. We're going. And we're going to go at like four o'clock on a Tuesday when there's no queues. But what, so you don't, you haven't explained what it is. What is Winter Wonderland? So it's a huge, like fairground kind of place,

like a carnival on steroids. Like, I mean like hundreds of rides. They've loads of bars and stuff, Joanne. It's a place that everyone goes on the piss and has the best time. Loads of different food places.

And just basically all these fairground rides. And I had the best time I've ever had. What? Because I assumed because you brought the kids, I thought it was like a kind of a very, you know, like a petting zoo kind of thing where there was like a reindeer and a grotto or something. I didn't know what was going on. In the nicest way possible. I'm not bringing them again. They kind of rained it for me at points. points they like I was like I'm gonna keep them out and I'd usually be like bed at seven I was like we're having so much fun we're not going home and then tea just started going downhill around eight I was like quick abort get them out

and everyone was having so much fun and I was like it was the press night so there was no queues and it was like empty and so much fun but then tea was like and I had to go home what's the point of bringing them they can't go on any of the rides they're not the size of the chicken was the chicken there no they have different things the cardboard chicken T was allowed on loads of them

he is like wild for the rides he loves them he wants to go on all the roller coasters and everything wild for the rides is he well well well

just like his mother I see tiny whore tiny whore tiny whore it's so juvenile like anytime an Irish person sees ride used in like any other way like we're like it's like suddenly we're on a stag party

like we have to accept that every other country is riding a different way we just won't let it go my auntie's husband is canadian he goes he goes to me i'll never forget and this is honestly this is about 15 years ago he's like hey you need a ride home and i was like he can't talk to me like that You can't talk to me like that. Joanne, I have a game for you. Okay. Okay.

You have to complete the comments. Now, these are actual comments that were on your YouTube reviews about your stand-up, right? But I've removed one important word and you have to guess what it is, right? And they could be like reviews from like your show, from The Guardian and stuff like that. The Guardian!

Joanne, build a bus. Well done. The Guardian giving you reviews. Like, who are you? That's very good. It wasn't a review. I think they just interviewed me. Okay, go on. Most of Joanne's anecdotes on stage make her sound especially horny, gamey. Okay. Most of Joanne's anecdotes on stage make her sound especially...

Horny. Gamey. Unruly. Unruly. That's very civilized. With these YouTube comments, you seem very civilized. Yeah, well,

this is from the same reviewer. The 30 not... Oh, that's rude. Sorry. The 34-year-old inspires... I love this one. Oh, God. Inspires, laughs, inspires...

Inspires passionate, if very drunken, devotion. That's so cute. I love that. Okay, this is from a YouTube clip Of your stand up I love this girl She makes me feel better About being Alone Completely mental

Lol This clip reminded me To marry someone Oh my god To marry someone Irish To marry someone. Oh my God, to marry someone Irish? Much younger than me. I don't get it. It must have been you talking about the 24-year-old or something.

Oh, fine. Spread the good word. I could do that all day. I love that game. Spreading the good word I could do that all day I love that game spreading good spreading the good word about the hot babies they're everywhere

London is like hot babies too girl she went to the hot babies but now you're with Alan and he is he's a bit older than you poor Alan

he was driving me back and forth from my eye surgery and I was doing these videos being like uh oh what if I wake up

and he's a hog? And he's like... He's like, would you not just say something nice about me? I was like, no. What are you on about? Are you out? That's not how it works. I can't wait till people start telling you

that you're really abusive towards your partner. Do people say that to you? No, they're like, folks already mean to Spencer. I'm like, have you met him? like come on you have to slag him you're flirting with him it's born out of love

yeah it absolutely is do you know what's so funny before we get into topics do you know those ridiculous glasses that I had to wear to keep the light out after the surgery

no I don't know what ridiculous glasses you're talking about but I remember the stunning glasses you were wearing yeah because you paid 500 quid for a pair of them

or something didn't you I got them on sale right 100 quid thank you well can I just say I put them on I couldn't get Alan off me I was like

Alan are you fucking he was all over me like a rat up a drain pipe I was like Alan please I've just had surgery on my eyes

he was like those glasses I was like they're plastic. I told you all. He was going through the list. When you could do, he's like, eye makeup. When you, like, how long you have to wait.

He's like, two weeks. Exercise a week. Riding immediately. He was honestly, couldn't get him off because I was wearing those plastic glasses and I was like Vogue owns these glasses this is very concerning to be honest Alan

do not throw the glasses out in the news this week have you seen that Pete Davidson has struck again? He's pulled another 50 out of 10. He's with Emily Ratajkowski. Emily Ratajkowski. Emily Ratajkowski.

Bing, bing, bing. Emily Ratajkowski. I heard. He's with her now. Nobody knows. He's been with Ariana Grande Kim Kardashian Kate Beckinsale Kaya Gerber

Olivia O'Brien Phoebe Denyer Cardi Aquino Kazzy David and Margaret Qualley all tens all of them rise

you know one of them one of his girlfriends his longest girlfriend was Larry David's daughter this if you don't know Larry David he's a very funny comedian and if you haven't watched

Curb Your Enthusiasm watch it but he was with her for like two years. That's his longest. What's the quack? He must be. We don't,

I know, we don't know. He's obviously ejaculating truffles or something. No one can understand it, but the man's doing something right. Also, I think it's a bit of an ongoing gag now,

no? Like, I think it's like, he's the king of the rebounds. So when you're, when you've just had a kind of a high profile breakup and you want a high profile rebound to piss off your ex. That's awesome. You're going to go a piece. You're going to go a piece because you're like, you know, everyone knows he's hung.

That's, that's why this is happening. We all know. Yeah. That's it, Joe. He's hung. Everyone knows he's hung. That's like, that's what it is. Big dick energy. Everyone Joe he's hung everyone knows he's hung that's like that's what it is big dick energy

everyone knows he's hung so basically you're saying to your ex-boyfriend I'm getting ridden sideways by a man half your age ha ha ha that's basically

what you're saying I know but that actually makes sense to me now because Kim had just broken up with Kanye now Kate Beckinsale a few of the others were just on their own

she's an absolute ride we don't know what's going on behind closed doors Pete Davidson definitely feels like he's an absolute ride. We don't know what's going on behind closed doors. Pete Davidson definitely feels like he's a revenge ride. Who would you do a revenge? I'd love to revenge ride Bradley Cooper maybe.

Like this, you'd be heartbroken. Heartbroken. Who would I revenge ride with? Oh, Tom Hardy. Oh yeah, that's a good choice. Yeah, Tom Hardy. Or someone who kind of a good choice. Yeah. Tom Hardy. Or someone who kind of looks like your partner that they wish.

Like I think the most heartbreaking one for Spence would be if I rode Jake Gyllenhaal. But I don't think it's a revenge ride if you ride someone who looks like. So I went out with this guy who then when we broke up started riding a girl who looks exactly like her. It's like that speaks volumes. Do you know what I mean? It's not like, it doesn't look like me so I feel other

and like old news where it's actually you've just kind of. Like if I dumped Spencer, right? If I didn't want to be with him and he started riding. I think you mean

when you dump Spencer, please. When the inevitable finally happens, yes? If he started having sex with Emily Radajkowski, I would be on,

I'd have to move to a desert island. I wouldn't be able to cope with seeing that. Like that would just be, like it would put me on edge. Even if I didn't want him, I didn't fancy him at all. I'd just be like, you'd be like, no.

Yeah, I know. I mean, there's really no coming back from Emily Ratajkowski. No way. She's potentially one of the hottest women alive. Like I just hope she's an arsehole. I can't tell. yeah I know I mean there's really no coming back from Emily Ratajkowski no way she's potentially one of the hottest women alive I just hope

she's an arsehole I can't tell she hasn't really there's not really anything solid to prove she's an arsehole she might actually be sound

and that good looking how annoying she must be because she's found Amy Schumer and Amy's sound Amy doesn't suffer feels

she would be sound there was Pete did this thing right there's an app called the beauty meter Amy doesn't Amy doesn't suffer feels there was Pete did this thing right there's an app called the beauty meter app

and and it uses science to tell how beautiful you are Emily got an 86 what a load of shit she's 100 but Pete only got a 56

that's the power with Pete though that you're you know that he's he's kind of this normal dude from Staten Island

who is now a multi-millionaire and is hung like a horse and he's just living his best life riding like these Hollywood A-listers yeah because I'm

a fellow panda I like he has really bad circles under his eyes that's what mine look like if I've no makeup on and it's like do you know what

people like that but they do there's girls going makeup on and it's like do you know what people like that but they do there's girls going in trying to get it done now you know that stop it no you can get it done

I think it's really sexy that kind of dark eye thing thank you Joanne do you know what's just popped up in my calendar Joanne at Palladium evening tomorrow if you knew how excited I was

you probably wouldn't let me go is it completely sold out again? It's sold out, yeah. Sorry, you've just reminded me. The pod's going out today. I'm in, it's, today is Friday. I'm in Ipswich tonight and there are still tickets left.

Ipswich. Joanne McNally, Ipswich. Google it if you're local. Please get a ticket, come in. What an odd word, Ipswich. Ipswich. Where did that come from? Ipswich. Ipswich Google it If you're local Please get a ticket Come in What an odd word Ipswich Ipswich Where did that come from Ipswich

Ipswich How does one get to Ipswich The A12 The A12 She's odd Do you think Do you think she drives a car No

But you can I'm actually I'm actually a fantastic driver Oh sure You've got that person Bringing you to I'm actually I'm actually a fantastic driver oh sure you've got that person bringing you to Ipswich where are you now the person

my tour manager Sophie Sophie where are you now she's gorgeous she's very English she buys ready salted crisps and says things like wicked

wicked he's wicked ready salted crisps she bought me ready salted crisps it's the only tantrum I've ever thrown I was like Sophie ready salted like what the fuck it's I've ever thrown I was like Sophie ready salted

like what the fuck it's not a flavour it's not a flavour I could just chug a bottle of Saxa do you know what I mean just like crack a box of sea salt

into my mouth there's no crack in sea salt why would anyone eat salted crisps I don't even think we have them in Ireland they're a disgrace anyway with

with Pete and Emily I started going down this hole and I actually thought it was quite mean so I I stopped doing it after a short while it was some couples

that had an attractiveness like quite a large gap it's very diplomatic it's quite mean isn't it very mean one's hot and one's a munter so the ones that came up Beyonce and Jay-Z

Vogue Williams and Spencer Matthews but actually honestly I was sitting there doing it and I was like this is absolutely cruel like I did get about eight people's names

but then I was like like Megan Fox Machine Gun Kelly is this too mean why is no one stopping me we'll let you cancel yourself you go ahead yeah

it's been a week or so since you've tried so no no no no no no cut all that cut all that that's your favourite word on the no, no. Cut all that. Cut all that. That's your favourite word on the pod. Cut all that.

Cut all that. Cut, cut, cut. Cut, cut, cut. Just cut. Cut, cut, cut, cut. That helipod needs a vasectomy. Get rid of it all. Start again. Oh, here's a song that I can't get out of my head.

Do you want to hear it? Yeah. Puss my butt. Puss my butt. Puss my butt, and it's black and white cat. Good luck for the rest of the day. That's going to be in your head. And that's what I sing to the kids all day long. I guarantee you, you'll text me later. That'll be in your head.

It's so weird that you signed that song because I was in Yeovil the other night. Yeah. And thank you to everyone for coming I thoroughly enjoyed it and backstage they had photos of all the acts that have been there

they'd obviously ask them to sign their poster and write a little note and everything and there was like you know comics and blah blah blah now

bear in mind no one asked me to sign anything do you know what I mean anyway I fucking walked out there wasn't a sharpie to be seen in that place no one had

usually they hand you a sharpie no one had to be a sharpie to be seen in that place no one had usually they hand you a sharpie no one had to be a sharpie on the album anyway do you know they did hand a sharpie to who signed his poster for his live tour

Postman Pat is doing a live tour Joanne don't get ahead of yourself if you think you're as big as Postman Pat forget it

Postman Pat, forget it. Postman Pat and his cat Jess are on the road doing lives. So I, and they're signing tits and everything for everyone. And I was like, what is Postman Pat's live show? Like he was up, he was up between Alan Carr, Jimmy Carr, Postman Pat's wedged in the centre and I was like I don't know if he's lost work and he's doing some sort of magic mic thing, I don't know what's going on Joanne is violently jealous

of Postman Pat Basically I'm following in the venue footsteps of Postman Pat and they're asking him to sign his poster and they're not asking me to sign fuck all and I'm sorry now but I've just I've got questions Joanne honestly

you need to step back a bit if you think honestly that you're bigger than Postman Pat you need to really rein it in rein it in well I mean

I'll tell you what happened Postman Pat saw Peppa Pig's the business that she's making he was like fuck this I'm getting out

on the road I'm fascinated to on the road. I'm fascinated to see Vosman Baths delivering packages to middle-aged women in Yeovil. It's definitely, there's definitely some sort of kink element to it. Like, I can't. Everyone's throwing their knickers on stage

and landing on Pat's nose. Yeah. Pat's nose yeah thank you for listening oh sorry about what you so we're so Cork is the one at the moment

Cork is on sale Belfast anyway you know yourself it's all there that was it that's it it's done now yeah

thank you Cork I can't wait to go to Cork by the way uh thank you very much for listening we will be back on Wednesday with our bonus episode please keep sending your emails into hello at mtgmpod.com have a lovely weekend sorry we're late Joanne's fault Joanne's fault I was blind Vogue I'm sorry I'm sorry that didn't suit you.