My Therapist Ghosted Me - Trolls, Peacocks & Ugly Crustaceans

Episode Date: March 18, 2022

It's an animal-heavy episode this week, which asks... "Who doesn't want to see a mini horse?" Plus ducks, turkeys, micro pigs and some inappropriate massage techniques (unrelated to the animals). If you'd like to get in touch, you can send an email to [e-mail] more information about Joanne's gigs, just visit www.joannemcnally.comThank you!

Welcome to My Therapist Ghosted Me. Welcome Vogue, welcome to you Vogue. I'm watching a lot of Frasier at the moment so I'm like, hello Vogue, I'm listening. I feel like Frasier Crane. Welcome to My Therapist Ghosted Me. I'm Joanne McNally, that's Vogue I'm listening I feel like Frasier Crane I'm Joanne McNally that's Vogue Williams let's get into it and we're here to have some fun how weird that Frasier Crane was married to your one Camille oh my god stop I went like I find Frasier

very comforting telly and I think I was talking about it during the week I think it has aged incredibly well bar the constant slut shaming of Roz but actually she should have got her own spin off show. But Kelsey Grammer's love life is quite the roller coaster. I think he's on his fourth wife and he met her on an airplane. That's where I plan on being.

She was his air stewardess. So you'd have to stop flying on your private jet boat to meet someone. If you wanted to meet someone like he met someone oh so she was an air stewardess not on a private plane no on a peasants plane oh no no no no couldn't do that

on one of those scummy planes the ones where you have to share it with other people yeah like the bus in the sky so she was serving him like whiskey and peanuts, basically. And they hit it off

and started a, you know, violently passionate affair. And now they're married. And she's obviously because he has affairs, it's kind of like his thing. This new wife, because she's only,

I think she was only 30 when they met. And he's in his 90s or something and she made him get her name tattooed on his groin

oh god he must really like her what he must really like her I know I was like that is adorable

I was like come on like if you're if you don't if you don't, if you can't trust your husband, like if you trust issues that severe that you have to brand his dick. I'd want it on the tip.

Put it on the fucking tip. I wouldn't want that. I was once going out with somebody and we were actually mid argument and off he went and he came back with a, with an iPad for me, no interest in having an iPad. Well, I didn't know how expensive they were at the time. So I probably would take it now. Um, do you know, those things are like a

grand. I thought they were like 200 Euro. I don't really get iPads to be honest. A grand for an iPad. Anyway, he came back with an iPad and a tattoo of the of the day we met or something on his wrist and I thought like no no

oh I'd fall for that now nah I just thought it was really weird I went out with a lad before who had tattoos and when the relationship was it would depend on

who was who was loving more who was loving who more at the time so if I felt he was pulling away I'd try and get him to get a tattoo of me on him and when he felt I was pulling away he'd threaten to get a tattoo of me on him no one ended up getting any tattoos thank fuck

but I do think that is kind of cute though tattoos I would like to see my face on someone's ass someday something to look forward to something to work towards no I don't think I'd be into it I wonder if i could ape a fool's penny and try and convince me to do that i reckon i could what do you think getting getting your face tattooed on him not necessarily my face but something to do with me like a volkswagen car or the green giant how are they to do with you oh my god i used to be called the green giant in school volkswagen

my name is Vogue Williams. VW. Oh, that's so funny. So if you were like, whose house is this? What have I done? Do you know those game shows where they hint at who the

celebrity is? Do you know those show? No. I did. I did. What did I do? Guessability with Sarah Pascoe.

And it's that. Yes. Yeah, yeah yeah yeah so that'll be yours a Volkswagen and a green giant and a green giant or

or that bird from Sesame Street big bird you don't look anything like him I do look at my neck image

speaking of your neck well now it's a ridiculous segue but the neck of you the neck time where we Jo we were on the Tommy Tiernan chat show last night oh yeah Well, no, it's a ridiculous segue, but... The neck of you! The neck. Joe, we were on the Tommy Tiernan chat show last night.

Oh, yeah. And Tommy... Joe, are you there, Joe? Yeah, I'm here. Yeah, I'm here. Sorry. Sorry, Joe's on a stag. He's hanging, so he's got his camera off. Joe was on a stag last night, so he's pulling a me on

and he's sitting in the dark there. I can't wait until it's my turn to sit in the dark. Can't wait! What, because you overdosed on dairy? I can't wait until it's my turn to sit in the dark can't wait what could you overdose on dairy i can't see it happening to be honest um you'll be sitting in the dark if you get pregnant again because i won't accept it i can tell you if you book any more fucking shows in that's it i'll get pregnant okay punishments i see them and you do you see at the start I used to post them now I'm like fuck her

I don't want these to if they sell out again there's no stopping her speaking of shows there are still tickets for the SSC Arena in Belfast and the second Apollo day she's just putting it in there what was I saying Tommy Tiernan oh yeah sorry so Tommy Tiernan we were on the Tommy Tiernan show last night

and so I went I was on Twitter this morning and it's actually so funny oh my god I did it as well so funny

the trolls so like it's honestly like they've got an automated reply that they it's like they've just got a timer

it's like fat not funny irrelevant irrelevant as funny as cancer as a funny as cancer It's like they've just got a timer. It's like fat, not funny. Irrelevant. Irrelevant. As funny as cancer is a classic. Women aren't funny.

It's just there's no imagination to them at all. They're literally like an automated reply. It's like saying, who is she? I'm switching off. Yeah, irrelevant. Oh, yeah. This is my favorite. This is what I pay my TV license.

I'm not paying my TV licence anymore you don't you pay 160 quid a year you're not the fucking commissioner for the channel that's like me getting a

paying for a gym membership and then going in and being like I need you to take all the Maltesers out of the vending machine because it's just not my vibe so

take spin off the menu or I'm not going cancel the spinning because I don't actually I don't spin so I can't it just blows my mind. It's literally like

they don't even think of it. They're just banging them out. They're just sitting there going fat slag. I don't mind the fat slag ones so much. Do you know what one really got me?

The irrelevant. And I just thought, you know what, you wicked little bitch. I felt like saying, nobody, you can't say anyone's irrelevant because somebody is, everyone is relevant to someone. I felt like saying, nobody. You can't say anyone's irrelevant because somebody is,

everyone is relevant to someone. But I have to, well, I tell you what I did. I went and looked at mine first, right? I put my name in and then I started feeling sorry for myself and I was like, I wonder what Joanne got.

And I was like, okay, I feel better. We both got abused. Really? I didn't look, I never look at myself. Oh, I looked at both. Do you know what?

Not so bad. I'm mainly slagging off our accents. I don't care. I'm so over it. I looked at both do you know what not so bad mainly slagging off our accents I don't care I'm so over it I can't do anything about that I actually engage with some of them

which is of course stupid I just like them she's an unfunny fat whatever Joanne McNally likes this Joanne McNally

is going to use that as her tinder profile I'm going to just start sending out automated replies now saying thank you for getting in touch your tiny penis is going to use that as her Tinder profile I'm going to just start sending out automated replies now saying thank you for getting in touch your tiny penis is important to me I'll reply

in due course it's so annoying though it's the lack of imagination now I'm not exactly here listen I'm not doing a shout out for imaginative trolls please leave me alone it just made me laugh I was like the people who were like

you're I'm not paying my tv license for this if you by the look of your profile I went into one it was like if you were in charge of putting stuff on telly we'd literally be watching babe station and sims all day you don't get to decide what's on the telly oh do you know what though from your mother's basement shut up even being on telly right like

I would never comment on something like that like it would just never it would never come to my mind to go on Twitter and I say that I did admit to slagging Spencer once

or twice I had to because I've probably slagged people maybe no I don't think I really did I don't think I really tweeted that much I see it as a lack of self-control to be honest like that's it because i've probably slagged people maybe no i don't think i really did i don't think i really tweeted that much i see it as a lack of self-control to be honest like that's but

then i was actually reading into it and they're saying that it's kind of it's it's people who troll like on the regular that they have psychopathic personality traits because it's like a lack of empathy there and stuff and that it's actually because sometimes you feel sorry for them because it just all feels quite pathetic but then actually this study was saying that trolls usually have high self-esteem not low self-esteem

did you ever hear the story about Lindy West no who's that she's a writer feminist she gets a lot of shit online

but this she's a there's a great she did a podcast about it there's a great piece there's a great article about it in the it there's a great piece there's a great article about it in The Guardian

where basically she gets trailed all the time and it's usually like you're too fat to get raped and all this stuff like really horrible stuff

because she writes about like because she's a feminist and she's writing about women's issues and stuff men you know kind of riles them but

her father had died recently and someone set up a Twitter account using her father's photo and all her father had died recently and someone set up a Twitter account using her father's photo and all her father's details and then just tweeted about like he was the voice of her father about how embarrassed he was about her

oh my god so Lindy wrote about it and then the troll emailed her and was like I'm so sorry I don't know why I did it I've given up trolling I've changed my ways I'm reformed and actually

the troll said I think the reason I trolled you so much was because you're so confident and basically the piece is really good because it finishes

with her saying he hated me because I don't hate myself it was like mic drop. I'm setting up a production company. Are you? Yeah, because you kind of have to when you work for yourself.

But I was thinking of calling it Fat Slag Productions. I've never once searched my name so I'm delighted now you've just informed me that there's loads of shit in there about me when I was getting away with murder

I told you that my mom does that to me like if there's a Daily Mail article I've actually not I don't actually look at the comments anymore because they're just too

too mean why would you do that to yourself I know but I don't do it anymore so like my mom will text me and she's like, God, that's desperate what they're saying about your children on there, isn't it? And I'm like, but I haven't looked, mom. And then I go and look and it's all these people.

Poor Gigi gets it the fucking worst. It's like, there's something wrong with that child. She looks funny. Funny looking child. What? Did something happen to her at birth and stuff? Yes! How do you not want to turn up to her at birth and stuff yes how do you

not want to turn up to all their houses and patch up on them i know well one girl right this is like your one who who got an email off her trail one girl mailed me by accident slagging gg off when she was like two and a half months old and i just mailed her back and i was like this is so fucking wrong that you're you're slagging off at two and a half month old and she was so apologetic and she was so embarrassed and she was a mom and I was like listen whatever you get up to in your own time is fine but like that is so fucking weird especially coming from a mother and I think she felt absolutely humiliated so I thought she'd do it again and she was a great looking baby sorry we know Gigi is yeah one of the hottest humans on the planet

except for the legs actually I'm actually going to stop slagging Gigi because when she's older and I'm trying to make her my best friend she's going to listen back to this do you know what you know the way we were always

taking the piss out of our legs and her legs and who's inherited whose legs i had such a thing about my legs growing up i absolutely hated them they were really bulky and really big my calves and they were just the bane of my life and i think they genuinely contributed to me ending up in an asylum for an eating disorder because i just hated them so much and i remember someone saying to me it was an older person like you know someone with authority in the family saying you'll never change

the shape of your legs you're just always going to have fat legs and I'll never forget it it really stayed with me so from now on I'm never going to slag Gigi's legs

actually she's got gorgeous legs and I don't even mean it and they're giving out about trolling and now I'm literally trolling a child I will tell you though

that's the same thing that happened with me and my legs my brother once I was walking around the hill furiously trying to get rid of the legs and he stopped

in the car with his mates and he goes look at the Beyonce thighs on her and I was like no I'd love Beyonce thighs now but like

it wasn't a compliment back in the day back in the day the aim for all women of our generation well the ones like us who wanted to fall into line it was reduce

reduce dissolve away become invisible be the thinnest you can possibly be, heroin chic, blah, blah, blah. I wanted the bird's legs that everybody had and I just never had them. But you know what happened the other day? Speaking of legs, when I was getting my massage, she was like to me, you've got terrible water retention in your legs and your ankles and your feet. And I'm like, fucking great. Like that is the last thing I need. I'd take it anywhere else, just not the legs. Well, I am actually glad to hear that because I was wondering about your ankles.

You know what? She's actually right. I can hear her swishing around down there like little paddling pools. I can hear them swishing around down there like little paddling pills. She needs an armband on her ankle. My God. Stop. I actually had to sleep with them on two pillows last night because they are very throbby and sore.

And they are, let's be honest, they're bigger. I hope they're bigger than usual. Maybe they just just look the same are your socks tighter than usual or i wear ankle ankle socks how are your ankle bracelets how are your toe rings fitting are they kind of digging in remember ankle bracelets i'm still into an anklet i have to say do you ever go on holidays only you'd get those wraps in your hair? Do you remember them? I was trying to do stand-up about them, like that's how you knew during lockdown if someone was on holiday. Do you know what I mean?

They were trying to hide the evidence. They were trying to hide their hair wrap. So I've never, I've had two massages in my life, right? One was so gentle. I think we actually made love. At one point, it was

it was horrible it was one of the worst experiences of my life I was being caressed like I think I was low level molested at one stage we were holding hands

I was like what's going on here this is absolutely disgusting and she was just like gently tapping me it was horrible may I ask where that was

because that's unusual Ireland oh yeah so anyway it was horrible may I ask where that was because that's unusual Ireland oh yeah so anyway it was it was like

doing pregnancy tests after an hour I was like that was just absolutely outrageous so anyway then I was going in for one recently

because I knew my back was in bits like I have more knots on my back than a tapestry like it's just it's actually sometimes you can feel the lumps it's like braille across my back it's so bad so went in anyway and to say she kicked the shit out of me

I made it clear at the very start I said nothing light now I said I want low level violence basically I don't want to be turned on again I want low level violence and I don't want to be turned on again I want low level violence and I was like that's what you need

you need a masseuse who's going through something some sort of trauma a breakup someone who's desperately unhappy who needs to hurt something or bitch about them

online before you go in like you just need someone who's in a really bad headspace who will just rinse you my back was so bad

it was actually spasming at the start she was like it's got so many bumps in it that's the only massage to get in my opinion I'm not going in to be pet

I want to go in and be annihilated I want to be like sometimes I have to hold my breath it's so sore do you know that you can do you know that I was

I'm not a cat she's like do you drive for a living and I was like well I do spend a lot of time in a van yeah i just do zero driving poor gearoid i was thinking actually you know the way sometimes you get a happy ending my happy ending they're like do you want a happy ending i'd be like yeah and then i'd want them to bring in like my driving license someone had done my test for me or something

you want a happy ending yeah where's the sausage dogs do you know that that I did a TV show before and there is a man that goes around right what was his fucking name again and he goes around basically giving women massages

because you're always hearing about fellas getting a happy ending at the end and and then this fella goes around and gives women massages

and then fingers them at the end gorgeous I'd find that very uncomfortable just to be lying there like it just depends what you're into like I'd say

the one I had now I'd say she was heading that way I hate when they go too far up in the arch arch arch or or touch a flap

by mistake it's like oh no you've made me feel really uncomfortable sorry Vogue yeah no one touched a flap by mistake it's like oh no you've made me feel really uncomfortable sorry Vogue yeah no one touched a flap by mistake hun I've had a few flap touches

yeah so then you were either you were happy ended is what you're saying I'm always getting happy I'm not having another daily mail article not even the daily mail they're the worst I'm always getting happy I've never I don't want I'm not having another Another Daily Mail article Not even the Daily Mail They're the worst I'm getting

That's like saying Oh get a happy ending That's like saying I was getting my eyebrows done And she accidentally Touched my flap There's no There's no need for them

To be accidentally Touching your flap Sometimes I'd get A double flappage Yeah you were Wanked off out You were wanked off It was a good massage It was a good massage

It was a good massage Did you feel kind of Rolls of pleasure Running through your body As you left You know Amber Did you feel Kind of like euphoric

Throughout your whole body You know Was that It was like a jolt Of electricity Amber can't go for massages Because she gets turned on all the time by a massage that yeah well i mean they got they they can be quite sensual that's those happy ending like there was no way the second massage i got there was no way that was going to have a happy

ending in the traditional sense because it was too rough but like if you're getting one of those sensual massages you can see how i would never opt for a sensual massage though i've gotten one before oh god i hate when people give you a bad massage and she's like you know the bones at the end of your back like a minor kind of stick out the two of them at the bottom of my back and she kept rubbing and she's like do you feel those knots and i'm like that's my bones like that is not are you sure because I think they would know she was the worst massage person

ever have you got have you got a protruding tailbone that's something I didn't know no but I broke my tailbone twice

actually it's not a nice thing to do to yourself because you can't do anything about it yeah you can't put it in a splinter Anthony you just

have to kind of get on with it no you just get on with it you can't sit down probably have to sit in one arse cheek yeah it's not great

you're coccyx anyway that's what I'm into aggressive massages no pussyfooting around I want them to I want to see them limbering up outside

beforehand stretching and stuff and if you're polite when she walks in she's going to just walk straight back out I want to see someone who's angry

wrapping their you know when boxers wrap their hands with that stuff Jo what's that what's that just walk straight back out I want to see someone who's angry wrapping their you know when boxers wrap their hands with that stuff Jo what's that what's that white stuff that's what I want to see I actually don't know

I want a trunch bull you know you're what I want someone who's just retired from shop putting because they were doing steroids they had to retire because they were

illegally roiding themselves so they're in a really bad head place but they're also they have a lot of testosterone in them that's what I'm looking for that's exactly what I want actually in a really bad head place, but they're also they've a lot of testosterone in them. That's what I'm looking for. That's exactly what I want actually in a massage.

I wish someone would find that leather jacket I left in Soho. That would be my happy ending. I think about it all the time. So Spenny, basically, right? He was, he is, Clean Co is launching in Brian Thomas, which I know you're a big fan of. But so they were like,

I do love Brian Thomas. Yeah, I do. We love Brian Thomas. We'd also like to get one of those 25% discount things that like stylists and stuff get did you know that i heard it was 50 what i heard i i heard two people this anything for a park and i heard two people talking on set when i was at i was doing a shoot last week and they they get 40 off net apportion i'd be buying everything and selling

it to people but selling it just for 20 off and then you'd make extra money you would you'd be buying everything and selling it to people but selling it just for 20% off and then you'd make extra money. You'd be done by the Depop police. There's women out there monitoring behaviour like that. Okay fine I won't then

but we'd like a card of some description. There are people buying on Depop but you know that Depop Instagram account I follow it's so funny

and there's girls like buying shit from pennies and then putting up the prices and selling them on Depop. And then they get stung. And the dialogue between the two girls,

like you're the worst type of human. I absolutely despise getting ripped off. There's nothing worse in the entire world. I'd love to see a spread in the Daily Mail about you getting stung. Selling my business. I don't sell anything, I told you that.

For like running a clothing, like laundering clothes through Depop, I'd absolutely love to see it. I'd click right through. No, I can't. I can't sell things because I get a lot of things

sent to me. I can't then sell them on. And when I see influencers doing that, I'm like, you didn't even buy that. You know, so Spenny, anyway, Spenny was invited

to Brown Thomas because Clean Co. were launching there and they asked me to go but i am uh i'm too pregnant to fly i won't be allowed to fly then and so then they sent it they asked them they're like oh if oak can't go would you mind taking joanne with you isn't that so you're like you're like spenny's new wife. I'm interchangeable. I love that. I just love me and Spenna on the red carpet. Me at a clean liquor event is in itself an outrageous suggestion. I use that shit as facial toner. I'd be like, I'd be going in and be like, I'm launching a liquor brand.

They're like, there's no alcohol in it. I'd be throwing tables up and all. I'd be like this. I've been conned. I wonder if you, if we could trick you into getting drunk on that. I would. I'd say you probably could.

They do say. Well, I remember when I first started drinking, I definitely just pretended I was drunk. Do you know when you were a kid? Ah, yeah, of course. I funded that.

Showing you're like seven or eight and you start drinking. I had my first boomers when I was 13 I think and we all shared a one liter bottle of boomers and we're falling all over

the place locked I think there was like eight of us drinking the same bottle yeah I know you'd had basically the equivalent of the alcohol

in a deodorant bottle but you thought you were absolutely locked so yeah you're invited to that clean call launch just let me know when you're free

and I'll set it up right you and Sven can like do double denim like pretty adjusted oh I have a happy news story for you go on do you know that

do you know that jacket you love from H&M that you wore in Clear History I got it I got it too oh you got it yeah

oh my god we can twin yay oh my god that'll be fab I've thrown out that horse jumper you got me by the way I don't know what to do with it it's shite

it's a very expensive joke actually I was like this will be god sometimes you gotta sometimes you gotta take the hit I was actually too cheap to get you a cameo

from Wayne Lineker it was too cheap it was something like 80 quid I was like nah it's get you a cameo from Wayne Lineker it was too cheap it was something like 80 quid I was like nah it's not worth it Wayne was on to me actually me and Wayne

go way back now I got a cameo from my housemate Sophie off that lad off 90 Day Fiance do you know the guy Ed or not

was it 90 Day Fiance yeah Ed and to say that man put his all into that now it was the same it was expensive it wasn't cheap

it was one of those jokes you're like you're about to press hit pay you're like do I really want to go am I really doing this same thing

it was like 80-90 quid yeah too much for me he really went to town on it I think I told him to say she'd just recovered from syphilis I can't remember but he really committed to it there was a thing that I saw online

I sent it to you and it was called Fess Fess up was it oh fess hell fess hell fess hole and there was some of them right split I loved this one it reminded me of you split with the missus a few months ago as she was seeing someone else who she's now moved into her marital home I still have the hive heating app on my phone I keep turning up to maximum when they go to work hope it's costing them a fortune i think that's such a good idea like there's so many ways to get revenge so people still send icks in occasionally they just i i love finding them in the ick in cafe on send she actually sent me a video but i haven't opened it yet. Date shows up with hand sanitizer attached to his belt. Oh, God, no.

It's the weirdest thing that gives you the ick, honestly. I love it. I don't know. There's something about a guy on a bike I don't like, like a bicycle. It just embarrasses me. I don't know why. Yeah, so cycling is embarrassing. You're right, Doug.

There's another Daily Mail article there. Also, I found my rollerblades the other day. Sorry, that's embarrassing. You're right, Doug. There's a little Daily Mail article there. Also, also, I found my rollerblades the other day. Sorry, that's embarrassing. I know. How can you say being on a bike is embarrassing and then throw in

that you've got rollerblades? John, let me explain the rollerblades first of all, right? They're for the bigger-legged girls who would like to tone up and tone up the top parts of my legs.

So I thought, I'm going to get back into rollerblading and I went off, I bought the blades, blades my blades and i went into paris park and i did i actually tweeted me to tell me they'd seen me in paris park on the rollerblades and i thought i'm not fucking doing that again no unless you're gonna go anonymous with the balaclava you can't you just can't there's a roller there's a rollerblading like group they all blade around each other and some of them have sticks like skis i just think unless it's 1989 and you're a gay man there's just no room for rollerblading

have you not seen that roller skating girl on instagram no oh my god she's amazing she'd make you on a roller skate but like we would just look like gobshites but anyway you are rollerblading no I have listen I didn't throw I found them I only found them yesterday

when I was doing the clear out and I couldn't bring myself to throw them out a friend of mine got a set of roller skates and I had a go at them to say I was like a foal

trying to walk I can't believe when I was a kid I used to fly around on those yokes I don't believe that I was so talented on wheels I couldn't get from one end of the room to the other I was a kid I used to fly around on those yokes I don't believe that I was so talented on wheels

I couldn't get from one end of the room to the other I was on my ass within two seconds blades are easier blades are easier here's another fetal

I'm a bus driver if I'm having a bad day at work I look in the mirror while driving and utter to myself you're all c***s aren't you

and then tap the brakes twice so they all nod that's absolutely amazing and then tap the brakes twice so they all nod. That's absolutely amazing. I love that bus driver. But I got some in-off followers. They all nod. I know.

You know when you're... Okay. If my friends and I see one of our exes in a dating app, we report them And get them banned I love how mean people are A boy I was seeing

Went on a pre-booked holiday With his ex So I shagged his brother Fair enough A boy went on a what? On a pre-booked holiday With his ex I know

So I shagged his brother Well they probably had sex too on the holiday let's be honest i've signed my ex up to every annoying subscription service out there to plague him that's quite a good one yeah i like i like pettiness i do enjoy a bit of pettiness now i have to say this is my favorite petty one because it's so disgusting cheating boyfriend so i put tinned tuna in a curtain pole and uh in the house and left

as I moved out classic I think that's that's kind of the that's like the OG revenge putting a fish in a radiator isn't it Jo that's kind of

where it all started yeah putting a fish in a radiator so it stinks the place out any fish anywhere did I ever tell the story about the crab

I don't think so I'm kind of terrified of lobsters and crabs I know lobsters because i have our friends downstairs uh but he's dead so i don't mind him like i'll eat a crab but i'm terrified of crabs martin gone had me on holidays uh when we were filming for erlingus and he sat me on these rocks and like when i say they were like infested by crabs like they were just legging it everywhere. And I was honestly shitting myself.

But anyway, when I was younger, I used to work in the summer shop in Hoth. And I found them behind the counter. And, you know, Cuisine de France, they came over with their little, these three boys came over with this Cuisine de France bag. And I was like, bit weird. They're all coming over. They fucked it on the counter. And you look in to see what you're taking for like croissant a demi baguette and there was a giant crab

like the ones like that the fishermen catch in the bag and they just threw it on the counter at me well I have to say

I wouldn't be anything that moves sideways at that speed is unnerving let's be real it is strange no one's like no one walks a crab like you know what I mean no one's like no one walks a crap

like you know what I mean no one there's they're not cute they're ugly crustaceans they are ugly crustaceans folk

yeah and that's what we think about that well actually that brings us nicely into our next section I'm loving I have an STI

get out I just want to say hi to Joanne because she's coming with me to the launch me at a clean liquor event can you imagine yeah you're coming yeah

100% thank you with me holding hands on the red carpet can't wait I'll let Brian Thomas know that you're coming, yeah? A hundred percent. Thank you. We'll be holding hands on the red carpet. Can't wait. I'll let Brian Thomas know that you're coming, yeah? Yeah, yeah, yeah, totally. Send the car, send the car.

Animals. This week has a strong animal theme. It does have a strong animal presence, I have to admit. I saw, well, actually it was on James Kavanaugh's Instagram. And I saw this woman, she just waltzed onto a flight in America, just like a regular flight in America. And she had a service animal.

Like, I mean, they completely take the piss out of shit over there. There was a girl on my flight to New York and she had this huge dog. Anyway, doesn't matter. But the woman got on the flight and her service animal was a peacock. Yeah.

Have you seen the size of a peacock? Like a male peacock with a giant long tail? I also, so I don't think their service, so I, there's a difference between a service animal is like a dog

that actually works and then the emotional support animals, I actually read about them online. Yeah, that's what I mean. That's what they are. Yeah, emotional support animals. Basically, they've them online. Yeah, that's what I mean. That's what they are. Yeah, emotional support animals. Basically, they've no talent as such.

They can't do anything. They're not the ones Joanne's into. They're being you, Vogue. They're just talentless creatures on planes. They can't do anything except give comfort.

That's why I think a peacock is so strange because a peacock is so strange because a peacock is completely up its own hell mad about themselves a peacock swanning around

why would you want how would you get emotional support from a narcissist it makes no sense to me that's like you trying to get emotional support

from Spencer you don't you come to your friends that's precisely true yeah do you want to hear friend that's precisely true yeah do you want to hear other emotional support animals please

well there was a woman who had a kangaroo she brought it into a McDonald's Jimmy her emotional support kangaroo she was actually asked to leave no because if

then it's not an emotional support animal then she just put a kangaroo into McDonald's because if they're an emotional support animal they have all the correct paperwork they've got little passports

and everything you can't be just dragging animals this is the thing I saw a guy with an emotional support horse on a plane shut up

the neck of that you're just trying to bring your horse on holidays that's a holiday horse here's what I thought you would like this woman got booted

off a US Airways flight when her 80 pound emotional support pig became destructive it obviously had the it obviously had the right paperwork

pigs are very smart as we know pigs absolutely I'm not just saying this because this is what they're known for but they stink

pigs are so smart they honestly they could probably drive the plane to be honest. If you gave them half an hour in the cockpit, they could probably drive the plane. Miniature horses, right?

They actually get the green light to fly the friendly skies. Why? They're just allowed. If a miniature horse got on a plane with you, I mean, we'd have to hold you back but like you're not gonna be unhappy everyone wants to see a mini horse they're so adorable oh my god look at her apparently the problem with apparently there's a real problem with micro um pigs because people don't understand that they actually do grow up people think they just stay

micro they're always getting handed back back into animal sanctuaries and stuff because they think they're going to stay the size of a hamster. But they actually just grow to kind of half the size of a normal pig. Anyway, therapy animals, they're emotional. They're like teddy bears for adults. But I looked into some as well. And I was really upset. Have you seen Esther the turkey?

Oh, turkeys are so strange looking. But how can I go back now to eating a turkey knowing that there's a turkey out there literally willing to get you through a hard time emotionally Esther doesn't know what she's doing with herself

well she's doing something she's just sitting there enjoying the free ride is what she's doing the other ones I found were Daniel the duck which was actually quite sad it's just this duck looking out this airplane window and it reminded me of when i was

a kid watching children play on the street when i was brought in already like ducks can fly why would you put like you know what i mean if you actually had any respect for daniel you'd be like you know what daniel i'll meet you there you do your thing aerolingus used to I used to fly from Southend which was a nightmare it was miles away but they would do it

40 euro each way and then they just one day it just changed to 400 euro and I said I think it's more than that because one of my mates was moving to Portugal

and they priced taking the dog on the plane and now he's definitely getting the boat well yeah because well it didn't used to be Aer Lingus were 40 euro and then one day it honestly just added a zero but winnie to come home now this will make you sick

but the thing about it is i i had winnie for over a year and there was a couple of people who really wanted to keep him when i was like i can't leave winnie in australia like he was like a child he cost me five thousand dollars to get home i know you can it, I'm sorry, but you can't put a price on flying Winnie home from Oz. Well, you can, it's five grand, but worth it. And you know what else,

actually, it turns out cost per pet has been worth it because it's not like he kicks the bucket straight away. He's 10 now.

I've gotten loads of wear out of him. Yeah, you've gotten loads of wear out of him. Yeah. I can't wait to see Winnie stuffed in the basement one day.

Just his head though remember just his head not a great bod. Are you body shaming Winston? I'm just saying if I have to pay to have him stuffed

I'm not paying for the whole lot. I'll just pay for the head. I'm sure if you could pay to have him stuffed just don't put in as much stuffing as you think.

Just don't put in as much stuffing as he had before he died. Imagine going I'd love to get my dog stuffed because I have such amazing memories but could you make

him a little bit thinner could you kind of tell him just the little head please the only problem is he looks so bloody miserable

everyone I told that everyone's always like what's wrong with Winnie I'm like oh it must be like the amazing dog food I buy him or all the walks he has a day I don't know what's wrong with Winnie? I'm like, oh, it must be like the amazing dog food I buy him or all the walks he has a day.

I don't know what's wrong with Winnie. Well, I suppose before you get him stuffed, you could probably get him some lipo. You absolute monster. It's not that, it's not, it's not the, it's not the skinny or the fat. It's the, I just, I'm just not mad on the bot. I actually can't believe you're saying this because his head is so cute i never really pet his but i do pet his body but i prefer his head and his ears lovely face lovely face so you just ignore him from the neck down basically he's the opposite of a prawn how do you even know he's a boy you clearly just don't engage

with his body at all. I'll tell you what. He is so obsessed. My brother, my brother walked in. The lipstick came straight straight out. I couldn't believe it. Yeah, well, also very good to him. In fairness, clearly better than we thought.

It's a bit weird for him. When he's like, it's time for my happy ending. Hi, Alza. We have to stop talking about riding animals on this podcast it's just getting out of control I don't know if anyone's noticed

Joanne's been posting a lot of pictures of Winnie oh no you've actually just privately sent me them yeah I've privately sent you sent me Winnie's nudes found him on Hinge well thanks a million

for listening and tuning in if you want to send us an email which we always love look at you Anne you're cringing I was joking right

look at your face I'm not cringing I'm just enjoying what you're doing well we used to have a nice outro and an intro but then you

you vetoed them and now look what you've done do email us hello at mtgmpod.com we can never have enough aches

let's be honest they're just the best or confessions I'm very much enjoying your confessions