My Therapist Ghosted Me - Wedding Madness, Moses & Grapes

Episode Date: March 10, 2023

When did Moses live? Have you ever seen an ant up close? Does the moon affect the body? How do you strap a dog into a car? When is scoring your cousin a grey area? All these questions and more are answered..ish in this week's episode. Plus taking Gearoid out with a grape, lunch breaks, the ancient Greeks and more. If you’d like to get in touch, you can send an email to [e-mail] is going on tour in Ireland & The UK! Remember to check the venue websites as well as Ticketmaster! For more information about Joanne's gigs, just visit www.joannemcnally.comThank you!

This is a Global Player Original Podcast. Hello and welcome to My Therapist Ghosted Me with me, Joanne McNally and herself, Vogue Williams How was your week Joanne? Let's start with you I'm kind of I opened my eyes 37 seconds ago That's good Well as I said

you look great in the sunglasses really have added to your look And this just for the record this is not a hangover or a bender I'm just tired

that's it got in from London very late last night I had one Negroni two bags of pop chips I went straight to bed FYI I want to know how many space jeans you had

don't lie to me oh well that's a great question Vogue and I didn't want to get into it but I'd known do you know why British Airways don't serve them

on a short haul flight I was disgusted I don't know why I keep forgetting it because I'm filming this show at the moment so the production company booked the flights

I wouldn't have fucking booked them Aer Lingus would have had space jets and they always have ice pouring out the engines Aer Lingus that's why they can't fly

as high as other planes because they're way down with the jet that's why they fly with Aer Lingus oh my god I can't imagine your face that's like if they didn't fly as high as other planes because they're way down with the jet that's why they fly with it oh my god I can't imagine your face that's like if they didn't have tea on the plane for me

I'd be raging it's like if they don't it's like they might as well not have seatbelts what's the fucking point of this plane oh my god it's not safe

that's so great because British Airways do this thing where they have like eight business class seats up the top and they pull a little curtain and I guess they just charge those people so much

and they get free booze. That they get the booze. There's none left. They don't care about us and there's nothing worse when you see the trolley speeding down the aisle because you know

they're not actually dealing with actual sales. They're just handing out free water and pretzels and I saw that happening and because it was a late night flight I'd always have a space to get on a late night flight.

Or an early morning flight let's be honest. Well I'd have a mimosa on an early morning flight. And then and I see her powering down and she's just handing out the free water. And I was, also I was in the middle seat, which you know yourself now. Oh no. And I was, I just looked, I said, have you no business?

She goes, not in this one now. Oh, that's awful. Do you know what I mean? Get out of here! The business flights in BA, they're not really like a business seat. They're just the same seat, but they've got like a little table in the middle seat. So there's only two seats. So they're not actually any bigger. But you know, when you're walking down, like when we fly, like I'd never fly business with the kids. But anyway, when we're walking down to your seat and you're trying not to make eye contact with

people in the business seat, you're like, I hate you. I'm trying not to show my jealousy. Please, can I sit there she keeps getting into our bed at night it is honestly I thought it was cute the first couple of nights but she was like

you know when someone kicks you with a heel she was kicking me with her heel in my back last night like a heel like just her foot heel just her foot heel I used to be awoken by Spencer with something else in my back and now I'm woken up with a heel in my back last night. Like a heeled, like just her foot heel or was she wearing a little shoes? I used to be awoken

by Spencer with something else on my back and now I'm woken up with a heel in my back and it's not great. I would take a heel on my back

every day of the week. Do you know what? No, I've actually, as much talk as, we always talk about not wanting to have sex and I think it's high time I told you

I've had sex twice in three days. Can you fucking believe it? Now I did try and get out of it last night. I'm sorry that happened to you. I'm sorry you had to go through that. I've had sex twice in three days. Can you fucking believe it? Now, I did try and get out of it last night. I'm sorry that happened to you. I'm sorry I had to go through that.

I was walking by and he was like, oh, darling, your pajamas are so sexy. They're not sexy at all, by the way. And I was like, we only had sex the other night. Like, no way. And then I actually was like, do you know what? Fuck it. Might as well. I think, do you know what it is?

I think you get so used to saying no no no no no no

no that actually you forget that you actually want the ride as well you're like you're just so used to saying no that sometimes you

cut off your nose to spite your face no sorry I can't and then you're just pulling away yourself a half an hour later I did all the proper solid in Killarney

and you did more than once did I do more than once well I did it he was like we were getting ready to go but we had like he's like oh we've got about

you know and he's like so how long is the drive oh we've got about 20 minutes no actually it was less than that he's like oh we've got about 15 minutes and I could see him and I was like

fuck's sake he's like go on go on I was like alright go on go on go go on go on I was like alright go on go on go on go on and he was like

after he was like thanks a million you're a real sound I was like you're brand new what's up with it thanks a million get into the car

take the suitcases down Spenny does this thing and it's like it puts me off because he starts from the morning and he's like he's talking about

having sex by the evening and I'm like you've mentioned it seven or eight times today and then after it the next day he'll be like now wasn't that great wasn't that great didn't we have a great time I'm like you've mentioned it seven or eight times today and then after it the next day he'll be like now wasn't that great

wasn't that great didn't we have a great time I'm like do we have to talk about having a great time like I don't want to talk yeah let it go

it happened and now it's over like stop trying to reminisce oh Christ so I had a shoot for Bear this week Bear by Vogue goes to 20

when is this tan discontinuing I don't know So I had a shoot for Bear this week. Bear by Vogue goes to 20. When is this tan discontinuing? I don't know if I can listen to it anymore. How long is this going to go on? I hate to tell you. What's the plan here? But it is just going up and up and up. It's the best tan on the market, right? It is, unfortunately.

I can't deny that. I can't. I'm wearing it now, actually. You do look glorious she did it all herself by the way I think you look fabulous in that pink jumpsuit

don't you I do actually now I do well no sorry she was saying she thought she looked like a clown

and I thought I think you look and then I was scared to wear it because I thought I would be clowny but it's not clowny no you see

the first time I wore it it's what's the name of the dress? Paulita. Paulita. And it's this gorgeous kind of striped, kind of circus-y vibe.

It's like a circus tent. Jumpsuit that Vogue wore on the late, late. And I tried it on one day and Vogue came down and said, get that off you and wear it on the late, late.

Now, it was no harm to get it off me because I, even Amber, Amber just, I just put it on and walked out into the city and Amber just burst out laughing, which is not the reaction you want. And it does, I guess because of my job and all, it's maybe a bit

too on the nose. It's too circusy. And also because you're so tall and slim and like, you're like a little race dog or what do we call you? A whippet. I'm like one of the whippet dogs or no, a greyhound. A greyhound. Now what's the dog with the long blonde hair the dog with the long hair I love that dog I forget what it's called what's the dog again an Afghan hound

but can I also say I'm a bit like I'm like a long haired sausage dog too because I've got such a long body I'm mainly body these little legs

and the tiny little legs yeah the stumps hanging out the back of you. Because you look like an Afghan hound, you can wear that kind of stuff where it's, I, and I'm not stumpy, but compared to you I am, because you're six foot twelve.

Anyway, I'm wearing the jump seat and like it's not, it's not the way you'd want to wear a jump seat like that because I have to wear thermals underneath because I'm filming this show and a lot of it's done outdoors like it's not it's not the way you'd want to wear a jumpsuit like that because I have to wear thermals underneath because I'm filming this show and a lot of it's done outdoors and it's so cold

and it's freezing it's snowing and stuff but yeah I really like it I'm just committing to it now it's on I'm going to wear it for the show

watch this now I will never be allowed to wear that jumpsuit again people will constantly troll me about it whenever I wear it because it will now be Joanne's jumpsuit

okay I wore it first only because I had to tear it off her back I know you did find me wearing I was kind of like trying it on downstairs in the basement I was like get that off me now I'm really I'm very sharing with all my stuff but I saw that I was like get it off get it off you are in fairness but I think I look like, get it off, get it off. You are, and fair enough. But I think, this is what I love about modern life. Sharing clothes, reusing, recycling, passing around, even something like that. It's such a distinctive jumpsuit.

Like back in the day, people were like, oh, Scarlet Fee, you're wearing the same thing. You cheap bitch, you're wearing the same thing as Vogue were in the late 80s. Not anymore.

Now we're applauded. Now I'm applauded. Oh, everyone loves it. I'm a type bitch. But I love going through other people's clothes as well. If anyone's thrown out a bag of clothes,

I'd have to have a little sniff to it. I have to have a sniff. And I also think I am weirdly self-conscious. Not weirdly, because it's just the times we live in.

I do get guilt about buying clothes. I do get a bit of guilt. So it's nice sharing around and borrowing and all that jazz. So anyway I was at

I was at my shoot for Bear and we were in this house right so you oh was that a burp? Did I burp? Anyway I should know if I burped.

I think you should. You don't. I mean that many staff around you don't even have to know if you burp anymore someone else tells you. Oh here we go. That was a cough

just in case you didn't know what happened there too. Thank you. But I was in this age where people rent that. You're wetting yourself out there's some urine coming down your leg there.

Can someone wipe that up for her? A little wee wee. I tell you what I think I need to start getting that chair back to be honest with you. I've been doing a lot of jumping around lately on our tour and I think I need to start getting that chair back to be honest with you. I've been doing a lot of jumping around lately

on our tour and I think I need to get the chair back in my house. I need to be buzzed back. You're not alone. I need to get myself in that chair as well. I think we have to

get it back on there. And like, I say that, we talk, again, you're entitled to have no pelvic floor. You've had 12 kids.

I've had zero kids. I know, but all women have to constantly work out their pelvic floor and I haven't 12 kids. I've had zero kids. I know, but all women have to constantly work out their pelvic floor. And I haven't been doing it because I had to rely on the chair. And now I need to go back for more buzzing because it's not great when you're jumped around on stage and you

feel like you wet your pants. Oh my God, I can't be able to work out my pelvic floor now as well as everything else. It's exhausting. Anyway, the house that I was in, right? So people rent out their houses. Quite a good idea. So they rent it out for like the day for a shoot.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And some of them get like two grand for the day. So they just have to leave their house from seven to seven. And then when they get back, everything has to be put back in place and it all has to be spotless. And they might get two grand. This house that we went into,

they had a baby zebra, a stuffed baby zebra. Oh yeah, okay. Stuffed is the important bit stuffed stuff another stuffed flamingo these things like I'm glad I didn't get one they seem to be everywhere

and yeah would have been nice to have one here how common yeah huge stuffed flamingo god how embarrassing

and and they had an ostrich have you ever seen an ostrich? Were these? Yeah. Hello. You're talking to Dr. Doolittle over here. Oh, yeah.

Queen of safaris. They are frightening. An ostrich is one of the most frightening animals I've ever seen. And they're not a looker. They're like, they're kind of gobbledy looking. Yeah. They're not the ugliest of animals because I read a book. Huh?

Huh? I read a book called. huh? I read a book called oh sorry I read a book called The Ugly Five and it like

are you still reading children's literature and passing it off as adults? what is going on here? I have to say I was reading I was reading a book by Colleen Hoover

because you know that I like to take a break I read a book in between a Colleen Hoover and I was reading her last book and I thought this really is for a 14 year old. Like, I mean, I read it in two days, but it was still for a 14 year old.

But you know what? It actually doesn't matter because young adult fiction is a huge seller and that's all the stuff that gets made into films. So like, you're on the right path. And also anything that gets you turning a page, anything that gets you turning a page. Do you want the book?

I haven't read anything in ages. I am, when I say crawling through the Adam, Adam McKay, Adam McKay book. Are you only reading that now?

I'm still reading it now. So I read the first one last year, the one that you're reading now. I love it so much. What's it called? This is Gonna Hurt. This is Gonna Hurt,

which is really, really good. It is like, I'm, within the first two pages I was bursting out laughing and Sven was like you can't be laughing at that book already

it's so funny yeah it's really really funny kind of scary about Doctors though yeah I know I feel like I could be a Doctor it's a great book I think anyone can

I'm joking I hope Adam hears that he is so he's so funny though but like I think anyone can I'm joking I hope Adam hears that Jesus This clam can do it Anyone can do it He's so funny though But like He had to work Like he was doing

97 hour a week So doctors Young doctors are doing Like 100 hours a week It is Absolute madness And they are not Getting paid enough

It is crazy When you think As a patient You're like You kind of want to think That your doctor is Well rested And not firing on Red Bull and Skittles do you know what I mean? He did say

he said the book is like a love letter to the NHS. Well I think yeah like like serious respect respect for anyone working in the NHS or as a doctor a nurse anything it's absolutely it gives you an understanding like if I had an operation now and they took off the wrong arm be like listen I know you're under a lot of pressure don't worry about it. It's okay. Don't worry. It's okay. Joanne I think those sunglasses

were a really good investment even if you only got to wear them for today. Imo I have my hobby is losing sunglasses. It's like it's my thing. Only expensive things really is what you'd like to lose.

You don't remember the cheap shit that you lose really. It's the cheap shit that you lose really it's the expensive shit that you lose that you like get so angry with yourself about because you're like

I can't believe I spent that much money on a pair of fucking sunglasses and I left them in the toilet in Nairobi

speaking of books speaking of books because you got me onto that book I read a book my last book was called Circe. I don't know if anyone's read it. Have you read it?

Oh, Emma pretending she's reading again. Me and Emma had a book club for five minutes. She didn't even finish one book and I'd done all three. What a loser. We're always, we're always threatening this book. How do you, like, I don't even, I don't understand how you do it. Have you cloned yourself or something? Okay, I'm not, this is not me bigging myself up, right?

But I did a TV show in Ireland years ago about the Leaving Cert. And I had to go and this man was going to teach me how to speed read. And then I went to go and meet him. And then he told me, you're already speed reading. So I speed read. And I didn't know I did it. So it's not a skill I've actually mastered. It's just the way I read. So that's how I get through. Really? So what is speed reading? Talk me through this super power. I don't know. I think you skip words or something, but you can still form the whole sentences.

So you don't need to read every word to get it. So I just kind of. I got you. So it's kind of like you're getting the tone of something rather than the detail. Yeah, I'm picking up the balance of it. Are you just reading the back? I just Googled the end.

Quick synopsis going on to the next one Thank you When Spenny started reading he was like oh I've read that book I've read that book he was listening to this

eight minute thing I think there's an app that you can read a book in eight minutes and I'm like you're not fucking reading the book Spencer Yeah

There's a difference between I think some books are useful because it depends what kind of books you're reading fiction I feel it's important to between I think some books are useful because it depends what kind of books you're reading fiction I feel it's important to like read whereas

some books that are teaching you they're kind of like if you're into that kind of self-help or business or CEO or how to make

a billion squid yeah the kind of synopsis of the book is probably quite useful like the you know PowerPoint the breakdown

no but it's yeah exactly it's I just wish I could read like more history books. But Circe was kind of a history book. So what is it? Talk me through it. So it's a mythological book. I bought her an X book too

and people said that that one's even better. So I think her name's Madeleine Miller, the author. So it's about this, she's like a Greek god's daughter and it's all about all the Greek gods and everything. And then I was fascinated and I actually found myself starting to believe in the Greek Gods. Like I'm actually pretty sure Zeus was

like a real thing. Really? Well I'm not surprised. You're quite religious. It's not that I'm religious. So Zeus, well he would still be alive now if he was a Greek God because they never ever age and they never die. They never die.

I want to be one. But can you imagine back in the day how confusing it must have been without science? You're like, why are we alive? And that's all like the moon or the sun. They're like, well, that's obviously why we're alive. Those big kind of biscuits up in the sky are the reason we're alive. Anyway, go on, tell us about the book.

So yeah, it's about Greek Gogs and stuff like that. But it got me, I had to start looking up. I pulled a Joanne because Joanne loves history so this is obviously ancient Greek mythology facts so I wouldn't take it for facts

because you have to believe tell the ancient Greek facts very rude so so here are you saying that Greek mythology

is fake news is that what you're trying to say here I honestly I want to believe in the gods so bad because if I find a god I'm going to, like Athena.

Athena was a very frightening god. Anyway, you have to read the book. If you haven't read the book, it will take you a while to get into because it does sound so ridiculous at the start. Are you finished it? Can I take it on Saturday when I'm over? I'm finished it, but I've left it in Ireland. Do you want me to order you one on Amazon?

It's so good. I'll order you one on Amazon. I'd love that, Vogue. Yes, please. So, idiot. The word idiot can be traced back to ancient Greece. it's so good I'll order you one on Amazon I'd love that Vogue yes please so idiot the word idiot can be traced traced back to ancient Greece

although it's a different meaning so it actually referred to someone who did not take part in politics or public affairs I'd like to be an idiot I think we already are

yeah we are are not do not all words have a Greek origin is that not where the I think they

I think I think the Greeks, they really had everything, didn't they? The Greeks and Romans kind of started the whole ball rolling, really. You know, I did Greek and Roman civilization studies in university. Shut up!

Yeah, I did it in my first year. I couldn't tell you a thing. It was one of those subjects everyone did in their first year and then just dropped it. But yeah, I did it. It's so... But you know what? I would do a course like that. I swear to God. It was one of those subjects everyone did in their first year and then just dropped it. But yeah, I did it. It's so, but you know what?

I would do a course like that. I swear to God. It is interesting. It's so interesting. Now this one's a bit depressing. Infanticide was common in Sparta. The most fierce and well-known warriors

in Greece had some ruthless rules. Every newborn was to be inspected and if any physical defects were found, the baby would be abandoned and left to die

wasn't Moses putting a basket and throwing it down a river weren't they mad for it yeah was that Moses yeah hold on

Moses isn't Greek and Roman I know Moses isn't Greek and Roman he's got something to do with Jesus sorry sorry I'm getting way late there now

Moses I thought Moses was on wasn't Moses in the Egyptians? You know where Jesus was? Bethlehem. If you want any history facts, Joanne and I are going to be running a course. Moses ran a B&B in Bethlehem. I'm pretty sure that was the deal there.

Judas had an Airbnb at the Wailing Wall. That's what I know. Judas. I actually found myself singing the animals went into I do because my kids were listening to something yesterday I was singing that yesterday

and I thought of you fondly Joan of Arc Ancient Greeks used stones as toilet paper that's crazy not their smartest move like

use a leaf or grass but I suppose if, not to get too graphic now, but if things are hard, if things are a bit rusty down there. You wouldn't need a stone. I would rub myself along a piece of grass

like a cat does, you know, and they've got worms. That's how I would have done it. Indeed. What a great visual. Because I remember back in the day they used to use stones to clean their teeth they used to use like

grit and pebbles and stuff oh also you won't like this one hubris for mortals to get drunk it was considered hubris for mortals to get drunk

so you weren't allowed to get drunk if you were immortal so you would be immortal but I would have married Zeus by then so I would have been allowed to get drunk

yeah you'd be up we'd be up in the clouds getting locked no I never said you were going to marry Zeus I said I was going to marry Zeus if I was drinking I was like

God no Godess that's who you want to be you want to work towards being one of them anyway I've probably ruined it for people but it's actually

way more interesting than some of the stuff that I've just said I want to be your one with snakes for hair do you remember her Medusa yeah

and if you looked at her you'd turn to stone do you remember all that Jazz very like Candyman isn't it Candyman has ripped off Greek mythology

yeah but I'd love a book like that about the Greeks and they don't age the gods don't age and they look golden and when they look at you it just glows golden

and everyone knows yellow light is fantastic on skin they're basically the Jasper Housewives. Yeah. They're amazing. Or Housewives of Beverly Hills. Everybody, just so you know,

there are still some tickets left for our SSE Arena in Belfast and there are currently only 300 tickets left for our fourth three arena. So get in there like swimwear.

Speaking of bit of hocus pocus. I don't know if you've noticed but there's a giant full moon at the moment. Yeah, I have noticed actually, yeah. And

I was Liv Davey was doing my makeup the last couple of days she is kind of bougie and a bit woo woo and

she's into homeopathy and stuff and I was because I was telling her about my crusty eyes remember when my eyes were starting what's homeopathy

basically natural remedies oh yeah okay okay and I was telling her about my crusty eyes and straight away she goes, oh yeah, crusty eyes, that's the liver.

Oh, well there you go. That wouldn't be too far off. And I was like, whoo! Anyway, we got chatting and I was talking about the full moon and she was like,

yeah, no, it's, I was like, do you believe, and this would be classic Liv now, I was like, do you believe that the full moon has an impact on your mind,

actions, menstrual cycles? She goes, absolutely. We're all water and moon affects the tides and everything. And I know that people say that because we're basically cucumbers because we're made up of water. We're like 90% water, yeah. So the moon's pull on the tides would affect our bodies for sure. Water balloons with eyes is basically what humans are so I but I googled it and there is there's not an ounce of data

to say that the moon has any impact on our minds or like the full lunar lunacy all that stuff that it's just kind of methodical

have you ever have you ever got pissed on a full moon it definitely affects you but I posted on insta saying like there's not like full moon it doesn't have an impact

on your brain wow I think it's the most controversial thing I've ever posted has John finally got cancelled? It's cancelled. To say?

I might as well have said Zara had gone into liquidation. Fucking women were kicking off. What are you on about? I'm a nurse in a psychiatric ward and they're all absolutely mad

on full moon nights. Oh, stop. We have to get extra staff. All this shit. I was like, girls, I don't know what to tell you. This is what the study, it was in Reader's Digest. Oh, stop. We had to get extra staff, all this shit. I was like, girls, I don't know what to tell you. This is what the study, it was in Reader's Digest.

I don't trust them. I don't know. Like, I just, I just don't think that the moon cannot have an effect on a human when our bodies

are so made up of water. But if the moon, if the moon had an impact on your body, you'd be taken out to sea. Do you know what I mean? I do feel a gravitational pull towards the sea during the full moon. Okay, Ariel. What I will say to you is, honestly, think about like, I remember even like going back

10 years when I'd be like, whenever we knew a full moon was coming up, we'd be like, oh, we have to go on the piss because we'd end up just getting blackout drunk. Now, I don't know if it was the moon or just that we knew we were going out to get blackout drunk, but we all thought it was the moon. It's like, ah, you know why you were so fucked last night? Full moon, full moon. Yeah, no, no, no, no.

I think that came from, again, back in the day when people thought the moon was some sort of god that when it's at its fullest, you're like, oh God, like it's fully looking down at us now so there's going to be more of an impact

but there's nothing to say there's absolutely nothing and they've done studies on it and there's absolutely nothing to say the moon has an impact on your behaviour or menstrual cycles or whatever

but I won't be saying that again I've gone back on my word now so don't get cancelled she's very moony now girls I'm big into the moon now big into the moon menstrual cycle loved the moon I'll be out into the moon now big into the moon love the moon

I'll be out in the garden now she was doing a sound bath this morning while she was grounding herself on the ground looking at the moon they said the only thing the only

the only thing they they can prove is that criminality goes up like a tiny amount on full moons which they think is due to the

the longer bit of daylight light in the day. Yeah, that's the only thing. That there's nothing else. Have you ever been to a full moon party? Yeah. Oh, I mean, a full moon party. They are so much crack.

But I mean, I'm pretty sure that lunacy has to do with the mushroom omelettes. Yeah, exactly. I wouldn't blame it. I mean, if you're looking around the house for a full moon party, it's nothing to do with the moon. I mushroom omelettes. Yeah, exactly. I wouldn't blame it. I mean, if you're licking your own face at the full moon party, it's nothing to do with the moon.

I went to the one in Copenhagen and there's these buckets, right, that you get. So it's this Thai whiskey and then you get those little tiny bottles of the syrupy Red Bull. So it's full of shite. And then you have a can of 7-Up

and you put it all into this one bucket. One bucket down and you will be absolutely wild. I remember I went and I was with an ex at the time and we went, so we were eating pizza before we went out

and we went out and we went to the full moon, had like a couple of buckets, absolutely wild. Went home, started eating the pizza as you would. Did I tell you this story ever? I don't think so.

So I started eating all the pizza and I think I was like on my third slice in and I just looked down the pizza was crawling with ants and I hadn't noticed.

So we had eaten like billions of ants on this pizza because we hadn't noticed because we were just so fucked we were like

shoving it into our oh god I hate it. And I've seen an ant's face have you seen an ant's face? No. You'll die. Go Google Emma tell me about this've seen an aunt's face. Have you seen an aunt's face? No. She'll die. Go Google it.

Emma, tell me about this. Please Google an aunt's face right now. Oh my God. Emma has one saved in her phone. Is it terrifying? It is terrifying. Like you'll never want an aunt to crawl on you again. Horrifying close-up photo of an ant is the stuff of nightmares

oh my god it's 9.43am can I handle this oh my god oh my god how bad is that it's like a monster oh my god

I know and you know I once heard a story that's probably bullshit this man fell into an ant pit in like Chile or something and got eaten alive by all the ants like I would not want to be

eaten by an ant I don't know dude I mean I mean that could be made up but still I read it somewhere that's horrific that's disgusting

they're the ugliest thing I've ever seen we don't like to judge the way people look but like ants go look for yourself they are really frightening they need I don't even know judge the way people look, but like ants, go look for yourself. They are really frightening. They need, I don't even know,

like one male in the lips for sure, straight away. Some under eye filler. I don't think there's not much that can be done for them. There's nothing you can do. Disgusting. Look at this. I know. Isn't it shocking?

I couldn't stop looking at them for ages after that. I thought I was having a bad day we wouldn't know because half your face is covered by sunglasses yeah thank god I'm just not I'm not in the mood

I'm not in the mood to be seen oh look it's snowing. There's a lot. Oh look, a cat. Christmas. Oh look, there's some rubbish blowing in the wind. It's currently more interesting than what I'm talking about. Come here to me

so I was invited to Jamie and Sophie's wedding right and Louisa messed up my diary she won't be happy hearing this

said out loud but it's true she messed up my diary to know I can't go to the wedding the one time I swear to God it was the one time I wanted to go

I can't believe you're throwing Louisa under the bus because you don't want to go to the wedding this is Joanne we are in Newcast't want to go to the wedding this is Joanne we are in Newcastle on the day of the wedding

doing a tour so I can't go and guess where it was it's right where my mum lives so I could have just gone spent a few days with my mum I know anyway I can't go

but it got me thinking of weddings because we were talking about it last week I'm glad you're going again never gets old for us, was I? Just saying, Emma and Joanne, if you would like to save the 26th of June next year in your diary.

I got you. So Joanne told a story about a girl who ended up scoring her cousin at a wedding. Yes. And we started getting talking about weddings, but I read somewhere this woman, oh great, here's a headline. A woman left confused after sleeping with her cousin at a family wedding. So she said that they had some sort of sexual tension

since she was 16 and she doesn't see that much side of their family anymore because her dad died. And then they went for it and she slept with her cousin. Her first cousin. Listen, it's not easy to meet someone

that you've chemistry with Joanne you just like I my cousins are grey crack and all that but I'm not going to sleep

with any of them don't worry if any of my cousins are listening they're all just turned it off now they're like

there's no fucking point listening to this shit anymore we were only doing it trying to get into our pants but someone actually did they wrote their cousin at a wedding but weddings are funny

I wanted to go to that one did I ever tell you about that time that I was put at a pregnant people table at a wedding were you pregnant

I mean I was pregnant but that doesn't mean I want to be at the pregnant people table that is so funny so you were just all kind of boxed in together just stuck together

I didn't know any of them and Spenny was still drinking at the time so he was nowhere to be seen he was just like off the table the whole time I was just kind of

stuck there talking about prego stuff with people I didn't know when you're pregnant you don't want to talk about prego stuff I nearly had to start drinking myself

that is kind of brilliant though it's like and all of you kind of sober boring people yeah sober, boring people. Yeah. Sober cervix people.

The sober cervix. People with a full womb. This way, please. And you've got, you've always got the crap table and we were like crap table number two. Well,

now that you've brought up weddings. So I did a little shout out for like, do you know what happened? So basically, send me anything you have on weddings. Anyone do anything weird at a wedding. I'm actually really excited.

Hi Joanne, I met a guest at a wedding who was a gynecologist in a very busy A&E in England. After having our starter and a few drinks,

I asked her what the strangest thing she had ever removed from her vagina was. She replied without missing a beat, a Big Mac. What? Follow-up questions from me

were numerous and of course I asked, was it wrapped? I went, was it? It was. It was wrapped. We got no more information

on that one. Do you know in Adam Kay's book, somebody was like, oh, I didn't, like, it was an accident how the remote went up my ass, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And Adam Kay was like, actually, I didn't, like, it was an accident how the remote went up my ass, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

And Adam Kay was like, actually, I kind of believed it until we removed it and there was a condom around it. What? He goes, I kind of was believing this person who said that it had gotten up his bum a different way until we were removing it and there was a condom over it.

I've heard some terrible stories recently that I can't even repeat on the pod about. Oh, text me though. I love those ones. I will, I'll text you them. Hi, Joanne. So my mum's boss went to a wedding and the bride got caught riding the best man

in the car park at her own wedding. The whole reception, including the groom, saw it as there were CCTV monitors mounted up at head height behind the bar. So as everyone was at the bar ordering drinks, you could clearly see them on the screen absolutely stunning why would you do that

the amount of stories I've had like about the bride and groom bride or groom yeah why I don't know why would you get married

if you're just gonna well maybe they're in open relationships I don't know but just a bit odd on your wedding day a bit odd my cousin had a grand old time with our photographer and now there's a bit odd on your wedding day a bit odd my cousin had a

grand old time with our photographer and now there's a whole section of my wedding missing doesn't count if they're still together I don't

I feel like they're not my cousin's fiance tried it on with me and five other women including the bride at a family wedding while his fiance

was sitting other side of the table. What a wanker. Oh, this one isn't about weddings. It just made me laugh. Hey, do you mind? You were talking about needing a single or double grave,

et cetera, on the pod. While my dad lay deceased in the room, the undertaker suggested that as I'm single I may need to bunk in with my parents that we should purchase a double grave

to have the space. Genuinely, just hours after he had passed. Listen, a deal's a deal. Get yourself a good deal. I'd be happy with that. That is so funny.

Oh yeah. I was at a wedding where the bride had gone missing for an hour and everyone was looking for her around midnight. The groom found her in their bed

in their honeymoon suite with one of the groom's men who was only 20 years of age. She was 30. The groom came down distraught and told the whole wedding party they had the wedding annulled. It was great crack.

Imagine. I think this is an act of rebellion. I think, I think some people, I think, sorry, I'm not, I'm going to go, I'm going to go big on this. I think this is an act of rebellion I think I think some people I think sorry I'm not I'm gonna go I'm gonna go big on this I think a lot of people

get married under duress i.e. they're second they're having dates cold feet blah blah blah and they go through it because the pressure

it's all done look I came Kardashian yeah but do you know what because so many people are depending on you and you've booked something in so that's probably why

people would be like that. You're like, I can't cancel now. My friend was in a wedding band and he slept with a girl on a night out. A few weeks later he was in her wedding band.

Said she was absolutely scarlet and just got off the dance floor immediately after the first dance. Yeah. Oh God. Stung in the bum. Can we do an entire podcast on weddings, please?

This is the one that got me started on the call out. Joanne, I was listening to the new app and you were saying you knew somebody whose cousin came on to run a wedding. Try this. My brother's ex told us she was at a wedding and was shifting a guy on the sly. Couple of hours later,

she was introduced to him as a cousin she'd not met yet. She said he didn't care and kept trying to shift her all night and eventually she just sucked him off in the toilets. Now, the thing that I love about this story is that she would have had

to have told her boyfriend the story for her boyfriend's brother to know this story. Do you get me? And then everyone knows the story that you sucked your cousin off. That's gross. There's a lot of cousin action going on, isn't there? See, this is the thing with cousins it's a very grey area it's nuanced

you know it's definitely not a grey area I have something like 50 cousins and I'm telling you what nothing is grey about our area we're very good friends

but we're not sexual towards each other yeah but the thing about it is is I think with cousins with family you feel a connection

to them this is like because I'm adopted there's a lot of warnings go out when you're adopted and you're finding your birth parents they're like come here now

why in case you wrote your your cousin when you meet your birth brother you might feel a connection don't shag him really yeah well do you know

I've heard that a bit when people meet their parents but like supposedly the first person that you ever fall in love with is like your mother or your father and then you try and recreate that your entire life.

Yeah. I know. That's interesting though. Yeah. If I see a man in a Volvo with a briefcase. What? Nothing. What?

Daddy? All I heard was briefcase. Daddy's back. If I see a middle-aged man driving a Volvo heard was briefcase. Daddy's back. I was like, if I see a middle-aged man driving a Volvo with a briefcase. Oh yeah. I'll throw myself in the bonnet. It's such a stinger for Volvo

because they're actually quite a nice car now but all I can think of is that big boxy square Volvo. You remember years ago? I think they're quite cool. this job that I'm on at the moment like it's kind of like a nine to five well it's a kind of you know obviously with hair and makeup it's a 3am you know yeah yeah the tour has not been kind to me anyway so it's a nine to five and I forgot it it so long since I've done that kind of office hour job.

I forgot the excitement of the lunch break. Oh, I know. Oh my God. You go in by half nine. We're like, what are you having for lunch? What's the crack? What are you ordering? Because we have to order in off this menu.

The absolute thrill of it. And then you're trying to delay because you don't get an hour for lunch. You just have to go back when you're finished. order in off this menu the absolute thrill of it and then you're trying to delay because it's you don't get an hour for lunch you just have to go back when you're finished so you're delaying it

like delaying it I'm like I'll cook my dessert from scratch do you know what I mean that's why I used to smoke back in the day because I'd be like extra time

I'm back on 20 marbles 20 marbles a day I might smoke up in the rain to delay the lunch break need a smoke break smoke break I'm like I want to cheer my zoo for dessert

but I'm going to make it from scratch so I'm just going to go off and soak my lady fingers. I'll be in other three areas, please. My lady fingers. The excitement of the delivery of the lunch and it's literally just a cup of soup on the back of a bike.

But you're like, oh my God, the lunch is coming. It's good. It's good. It's because you're getting a break. It's the best thing in the world. You'd swear it was a presidential visit. It's literally just a panini

on the back of a motorbike. Still, it helps. I love that. I love a nine to five though. You know what I'm like? Staying up late is a bit much for me. I haven't touched a beverage since we've broken up

after our Gaelic run. Have you not? No, and I am, to tell you, I feel fantastic. I feel great. I have to be honest. It's amazing. I'm kind of, I don't really tell you, I feel fantastic. I feel great. I have to be honest. It's amazing.

I'm kind of, I don't really know what my plan is now. Because the Australia tour is starting. Oh, anyone from Australia listening? Here we go. Pluggy plug, plug, plug. Australia, New Zealand. There's tickets for everywhere. there are not that many tickets you've

I've seen you've loads of sold out we do have sold out so we kind of we then you kind of add extra shows then do you know what I mean

so there's those extra shows are still available so there's like Sydney and Perth and Adelaide and Melbourne and Brisbane

actually no I think Perth is sold out but Auckland Perth is sold out Melbourne you've Wellington. Perth is sold out. Melbourne. You've one day in Brisbane. You've one day left in Sydney. You've three sold out in Sydney.

You've four sold out in Melbourne. And so you've kindly put on another one. Wellington. Kindly. My charity work in Melbourne, yes. I've kindly put on another one. Wellington think Joanne's an arsehole. So you've got some tickets out there.

Auckland, only one date you've sold the other one out Wellington hello Wellington Wellington Wellington Beef Wellington's delicious that's fun Joanne I'd love to go to New Zealand

I'm kind of jealous I know I'm really looking forward to it actually you said you wanted to do a bit of travel that's what you said you wanted to do

you'll get to go oh my god Australia's so fun I know and actually I do have like there are a couple of days here and there where I've no shows the shopping in Australia God, Australia's so fun. I know. And actually, I do have, like there are a couple of days here and there where I've

no shows. The shopping in Australia is outrageous. Oh my God, there's so many nice brands. And going from snow to heat, my body's going to go into shock. It's going to go into a spasm.

Oh, sorry. Vogue, I meant to say Happy Inny Winny Day. Oh my God. Happy Inny Winny Day. How do you know what I'm talking about? sorry Vogue I meant to say happy any winny day oh my god happy any winny day how do you know what I'm talking about international women's day

you're so annoying I hate that you abbreviate everything and I hate that you knew what that was because we were supposed to laugh at it and you just knew

what it was and went along with it I'm a mom that's what we do with everything shoosie woosies it's disgusting. Happy any-Winnie day to everybody.

No. No, take it back. Just, you know what? I just got another message about Winnie, right? It's from a girl on Insta. Oh, Winnie looking so sad at the moment what's the crack with

that like that's she said the other day she goes mummy why is Winnie sad he's not sad did she

yeah I can't change his eyes Winnie gets right can you not change his eyes though I can't change have you looked into

it Winnie's 11 he goes to the vet twice a year for checkups. He's got four beds in our house. He gets three walks a day and his dog food costs me a lot of money every month.

He's not on the pedigree chump. Yeah, no, no. He's well looked after. He's well looked after. He's well looked after. I work for a company, right? And I did a reel for them because I drive their car.

And so it was a really lovely reel and I did a joke in the reel where I was like, Winnie, into the boot. And then I was a really lovely reel. And I did a joke in the reel where I was like, Winnie, into the boot. And then I was like, haha, like Winnie sits in the boot because Winnie wouldn't dream of sitting in the boot. Winnie gets a seat in the backseat. And so Winnie- Of course he does. Of course he bloody does. And Winnie hops into the backseat, anyway, in the reel. It's just a tiny bit. And someone commented on my reel and we're like, tagged RSPCA and and the car company

and we're like are you going to allow this animal abuse she's got no seatbelt on the dog I didn't know you were meant to have a seatbelt on the dog

Winnie would go absolutely nuts I don't think you're supposed to have a seatbelt on it I mean the RSPCA is this woman on crack

that dog has is so well looked after it has never worked a day in its life that dog could advertise creme after it has never worked a day and it's like that dog could advertise creme de la mer on its paws

like I've seen that dog be fed grapes on a private plane not a fucking seatbelt in sight like the absolute cheek of her he wasn't eating grapes

by the way they kill dogs do you want oh do they yeah oh so you were trying to kill Winnie the Pooh well that makes sense dogs, do you know what I mean? Oh, do they? Yeah. Oh, so you were trying to kill Winnie the Pooh. Well, that makes sense.

But seriously, are you going to condone this animal abuse? I thought, what the fuck? That is outrageous. I know. Do you remember

back in the day, your children, in the 80s, we were just drugged and put in the booths. I remember the best seat in the house was lying across the booth.

Do you remember the booth at the back, under the window? That was the best spot whoever got that you were raging you always watched that and my dad used to

hotbox us he'd be like smoking Benson no he was smoking Major at the time with the windows closed just like so much smoke in the car

I've seen like Vinnie Vinnie Winnie spends most of his time in a Louis Vuitton handbag you don't need to worry about Winnie

I've seen him he eats Faberge eggs for breakfast like he's grand also can we just get it how are you supposed to strap a dog into the backseat you're supposed to staple his ears

to the car seat how are you supposed to how are you supposed to secure a dog in the backseat of a car I don't know I'm going to have to look into it though because I don't want the RSPCA knocking on my door

he's just not going in the car anymore that's it let me google does a dog have to look into it though because I don't want the RSPCA knocking on my door. He's just not coming in the car anymore. That's it. Let me Google. Does a dog have to wear a seatbelt? Yeah, Google that. Let's get the deets. It's legal to take your car and the pet with you as long as you properly restrain them. Don't let them sit in the front seats. You just said

it's legal to take the car and the pet with you. Yeah. You know what I mean. You're not allowed to have them stick their heads and the pet with you. Yeah. You know what I mean. You're not allowed to have them stick their heads out the window. That's your speed reading. What was that book about, Vogue? I don't know. Shut up, Joanne.

I remember when I used to drive around with my dog, she'd be like pawing me off. Like, as in, not pawing me off, sorry. Jesus Christ. The other night in Killarney, so me and, me and Corrald were doing Prosecco down in Killarney in the INECC

and we thoroughly enjoyed it, by the way. And, and, I, sometimes before shows, we can feel a bit too relaxed. And we try to kind of psych each other up. We kind of pretend, slap each other and all this jazz.

And so I was like, come on, go out. And I threw a grape at him. Now, obviously, I don't understand or realize my own strengths. And it went right in his eye. It was like I'd thrown a rock at his eye. God love him. I was like, oh my my god I'm so sorry he couldn't see

his eye was like streaming water out yeah poor little groat poor groat he couldn't see anything and I was like stop you're making it worse stop pushing it in

he was like it's so sore it's like when he it's ice it down and everything when you get a mascara in your eye it's like there's never been a worse pain

than mascara going into your eye. They were rock hard grapes. Like they'd obviously been in the fridge and they weren't ripe. They were like bullets. They're the best grapes to have though. They're the best eating grapes, not throwing grapes. I'm just kind of getting it out there before Geroad leaks it himself. I'm just covering all bases here.

It was an accident alright chill out Garoud chill out Garoud you only need one eye anyway thank you for listening that was a lovely time

spent with you I've been Vogue Williams and she has been Joanne McNally thank you for listening and if you didn't listen don't worry about it we'll catch you again

yeah we'll catch you again catch you on the flip side we'll catch you again doesn't matter bye ZYZ see you in the oh Vogue come on now that's too much Bye.