NASW Social Work Talks - EP15: Speaking Out Against Domestic Violence

Episode Date: October 16, 2018

Carla Gonzalez is a clinical social worker and domestic violence survivor who leverages her professional skills and uses her platform as Miss U.S. World Elite (among other titles) as a vehicle for speaking out against domestic violence, bullying and sexual assault.

Welcome. This is Social Work Talks. My name is Greg Wright, and I'm the Public Relations Manager at the National Association of Social Workers. NASW member Carla Gonzalez has participated in pageants for years. It is the 2017 U.S. Ms. World Elite. But for Gonzalez, pageants are not just about winning a rhinestone crown. She has used the platform to raise awareness about domestic violence. According to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, 10 million American men and women are physically abused by an intimate partner each year. In fact, one in three women in America and one in four men will be a victim of some form of physical violence at the hands of an intimate partner during their lifetime. October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month, and we are sitting down with Carla to talk

about this important issue and her work. Welcome to Social Work Talks, Carla. How are you? I'm fine, thank you. How long have you been in the pageant world and what prompted you to get involved in that? I started my pageant competing when I was in the fourth grade and by the luck of the draw I won the pageant so I knew that this was going to be my new hobby. What are some of the titles that you've won, Carla? Growing up, I've won different titles, but I think in my older years, I would say 40 and up, I have accomplished some really nice titles, and one would be Miss U.S. World Elite 2017,

And then from there, prior to that, I was Miss United Nation International 2013-14. I won that in Jamaica. And prior to that, I was Miss America International 2012, and I won that in California. And prior to that, I was Miss U.S. of America, and I had won that in Connecticut. That was 2011. 11. Some women think pageants are old-fashioned or even sexist, but do you think that they can be used to empower women? Absolutely. In my personal opinion, pageants, they're like everything else. Using your title, if you use it the way you should use it, it's like a job. You can accomplish

and do many things with the crown and the title because you're out in the public and you know you have attention and you're a you become a role model and and being a role model for kids if you're a positive role model you know that means a lot especially in this day and time with all the things going on with kids in our society and when you have that crown and you're able to get in to places and events and speak on topics that are very important and something that a lot of us women who do this, we take very seriously. You have used your platform as a pageant winner to work on the issue of domestic violence, but why is this a personal issue for you? You know, domestic violence is something that affects every one of us at some point,

whether we live through it ourselves or, you know, we had a mother or a sibling, a niece, even a nephew, because we know that domestic violence, it does not discriminate. It affects women, men, you know, different races and cultures all over the world. And so as far as myself, it's something that I experienced oh gosh when I was younger you know when I got married and you don't really understand and know because you don't have the knowledge when you're younger to say oh this is a domestic violence situation and until I became educated on this topic did I realize or even become able to say, I was a victim of domestic violence. But now, of course, we say, you know, I'm a survivor of domestic violence. And I would always say, oh, he never

hit me. Understanding the fact that the verbal abuse, the mental abuse, the emotional abuse, those are still forms of domestic violence. And until I started my social work career and being educated on all these things, I never was able to even recognize or acknowledge the fact that I was a victim of domestic violence. You sweep these things under the rug and being able to be a spokesperson on this and say things to empower other women, to educate women and young girls to know what it is they're living in and what they can do to get out of it and help themselves, I think is very, very, very important. And my story is basically being married to someone who verbally and emotionally, mentally abused me. And it's a complicated situation because, OK, he's a good guy to other people.

But at home, when things didn't go the way he wanted them to go or he had had a few too many beverages, you know, I was the one that he would take his frustrations and his anger out on. And so then, of course, one thing would lead to another and then things would escalate. And then I would find myself in all this turbulence as well and feeling like I've lost my mind because I'm fighting with someone. And, you know, it's not right. But you get in this cycle of dysfunction, which is the the cycle of violence. And you go through all the phases. And then when things are good, things are really good. And you're like, OK, and you hope and you pray and you think, OK, OK, OK, this is good. this is going to last, we're going to work this out, to find yourself back at the other part of the cycle of violence where things fall apart again and you go through all these traumatic

instances all over again. And I think the hardest part, and a lot of women can relate to this, is when you recognize that you are a victim of domestic violence or you are living in that, that's one thing that that's something that it's hard to to handle but i think the worst part of that is when you realize that you've allowed your child or your children to live in this dysfunction as well and the things that have happened you've allowed child abuse i mean because when the child is crying and scared because mommy and daddy are fighting you know and they're hiding in the bedroom calling their grandparents because they're scared, that is child abuse. And only until I became a social worker and I started studying all these things

and working in public health and having to go through all these trainings and child abuse trainings and education and how to identify, you know, what it is, I can tell you that it's something that I was so glad that I had recognized it and I had the support of my family and I got out of the situation but it's something that has lingered with me forever to think I allowed this to happen to my my son you know and and I think women can relate to what I'm saying as far as we take things and we deal with things and we get hardened with things sometimes you know I felt like that's how I did it and you just overcompensate in other areas but when it comes to your children. It's a whole nother story. And because of my son and the light bulb clicking on

and seeing how it was affecting him is what actually empowered me to finally say, this is it. I am not putting him through this, not one more time. And I started planning and plotting and, and just, I had made that decision and I made the move. I got out of it and my life has been, you know, so much better. But I think because I lived through that and I understand it, it allows me to work with women. And I understand, I understand all the components in the stressors and the issues that they're dealing with and in the children and the things that surround those issues. And, um, I just feel like I am able to touch women on this topic and in this issue, because when they know someone else has lived through it and they've experienced it and they

see that you know you can survive it you know that's the most powerful thing ever and so for me to be able to even take it one step further and wear a crown or have a title and also look at a woman and say you know what here's some of the things that I experienced growing up and I was able to pull myself out of it because I had support and I had people in the community. And those are other things that, you know, at some point we can talk about the importance of having the support and the mentors for women that are in situations like this and young people as well. But I love to see their eyes light up and look at me and say, you, you experienced that? And I just say, oh, yes, I did. And here I am.

Are there a lot of women, a lot of men who walk around who are, in fact, hiding this? Absolutely. And those are the things that we try to touch on when we're out doing education, because our goal is to keep educating and getting the information out there so that people don't feel like they have to hide and cover it up. It's not a shameful thing, but on the flip side, you know, I can see where people would be hesitant and feel embarrassed to admit it because it took me a long time to admit it because I felt more comfortable saying me and my ex-husband used to fight all the time and oh my gosh, you know, I experienced these things. It was so much easier for me to say all of these things, but it was difficult for me

to say I lived in domestic violence. I'm a victim of domestic violence. Now I'm a survivor of domestic violence. And so, yes, I do believe that people hide and cover it up. And we know that it's underreported in the statistics surrounding men because, you know, how many men want to say, oh, well, you know, I go home and my wife is abusing me because you have that machoism thing going on with men that who wants to say that? So our goal is to educate, educate, educate, and put the information out there for people

no, you can overcome this and it shouldn't be something to be embarrassed or something that should be hidden. Evidently, you left your marriage and then went into a social work career. So whenever I had my son, I was 18 and I started working in public health with women and young teen moms who were coming in to access programs. So that piqued my interest because my boss had told me, he said, kiddo, he said, I'm going to give you a job. He said, under one condition, you have to get an education. He said, an education is one thing that no one can ever take from you. And so I worked a full-time job. I became a single mom because I went through a divorce. And then it turned into working two and three jobs because I was a single parent.

and so I started working with teen pregnant women and that's kind of where all that started in working in public health and then once I got more into the social work field because you know you have to take all your basics and so trying to work and go to school at night you know and getting all your basics under your belt what do you want to do what do you want to be I took sociology I took criminal justice because I was trying to figure out what was it you know where was I going to go with all this and then finally someone said you should be a social worker you love helping people and that light bulb just clicked on and from that moment I started researching and I was like oh my god that's exactly what I need to do I have to be a social worker

wow uh where did you earn your social work degree Carla I earned my degree from the University of Oklahoma. And I started working in public health in my town. I come from a rural area of Oklahoma. It's a small town called Idabel. In its rural population, it's probably 6,000, maybe 7,000 now. I don't really know, but my whole family is still there. And so I'm really a country girl. I have those country roots, you know, and I was just so excited. It was just like, oh my gosh, I mean, I'm making all these changes in my life. This little small town country girl, now I'm doing something else big. And so I just keep trying to find other things big to do. Absolutely. As a pageant winner and a crown holder, what are some of the domestic violence

organizations that you are working with and also what activities are you doing with them? So here I'm very involved with our Oklahoma Coalition Against Domestic Violence and Sexual assault and they run all the programs across our state and i was actually just in a oklahoma women's legislative summit coalition and so we had a lot of the agency heads there and directors and and it wasn't just about domestic violence it was about the issues that affect women and young girls across the state so this encompasses many different areas but i went into the breakout session that had to do with violence against women and young girls and how do we protect them better what can we do what kind of legislation should we try to enact or support so that's one

component and i know their executive director very well and then the other is the ywca it's our largest domestic violence shelter in oklahoma and their ceo was also in attendance at this meeting and so she and i you know we sat beside each other and we're always talking about things And I used to volunteer for the YWCA. I went through the training and was a sexual assault advocate for seven years. And so you'd be on call and work with the same nurses, the sexual assault nurse examiners. So if a victim was raped, then you would get a call and go into the hospital and go through the whole exam collecting evidence for prosecution. And, you know, that was something that was very, very intense. It was very it was a difficult thing to do. And it was hard because I worked.

And so if you got a call out at nine or 10 in the evening, you might be at the hospital for four hours, sometimes five hours. And then you have to get up and go to work again. And so I was limited about how much I volunteered, but I would always go through the continuing education credits and then along with domestic violence and keep that up. And so I'm very involved with that. And then as far as on a national level, I support the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault. But last year, I was able to attend an event they had in Washington, D.C., and I got to go to some congressional hearings and things like that, You know, trying to get legislation in place on this gun violence and people having guns who have a history of domestic violence. Because, you know, just this year, I think I read the statistic.

There's been 450 incidents where gun violence was involved in domestic violence. So the domestic violence homicide. People just need to better understand all the facts and all the components that surround this issue and how important it is to protect not just women and girls, it's men, it's everyone. Also, I'm involved with the National Network to End Domestic Violence and then Futures Without Violence. And last year, I went to San Francisco and I participated in a technology event that they offered, the National Network to End Domestic Violence. So I was out there for their summit conference and just learning about stalking and what happens.

Then the numbers and the statistics surrounding that is just unbelievable. And it's a terrible thing. And so I just try to learn because another thing that I do within my job is go into schools and present on teen dating violence prevention, Internet safety, bullying, cyberbullying. And now I'm going to offer, I just got trained in a curriculum that falls under Unlocked Freedom, which is It Stops With Me, and it's human trafficking for youth. So I'm always getting involved in as many things as I can so that I'm a wealth of information. I don't know everything, but if I can know a little bit about a lot of things and have those right connections and those dots to connect for people, then I'm doing what I should be doing. Does having a pageant crown make it easier? Will people are willing to like listen to you on a very, very sensitive issue like this one?

Absolutely. What I have found is, you know, I have a publicist and she promotes me and gets me into events. And if I have a title, it's amazing to see how they will put me on the list or they'll accept me into an event or how from there I meet all these people and then I get more invitations. When I pull that crown out and I'm on the red carpet, it's amazing how many people start swarming me and they want to take their picture with me and they want to talk to me and people want to interview me. And I'm like, well, okay, I can be a Z-list celebrity. As long as I'm still getting the point across and the message out across the world, then I'm doing what I need to be doing. And so I think absolutely the crown is definitely the vehicle to get the word and the message and the information out, education out there to people all over the world. can you talk about how social workers can help their clients build a support system that can help them move out of domestic violence if you're a social worker and you're dealing with someone

who is in a situation of domestic violence providing them the resources to the domestic violence shelters is very very important because you never know when they may want to call that 800 hotline number. And they may not be ready to access the resources the moment that you're dealing with them or you're seeing them in your office. And maybe even having them hide the number, put it under something else in their cell phone, because we know that abusers get really upset sometimes when they see these resources that their significant other may have. I think having a support system and encouraging someone to have a support system and accept people who are trying to help them is also important. Because if I had not had my parents supporting and helping me,

I don't know that I would have ever been able to leave the situation that I was in. They supported me throughout the whole ordeal that I was living through. And I always like to tell people, when times got tough and hard, they loved me harder. And I think that is so important for parents to understand and know that your kids are going to go through trials and tribulations in life. And I think that when they're going through those trials and tribulations, that and as a parent, loving them even harder through those difficult, hard times is one of the most important things that you can do as a parent. And then being a mentor to young people and people who are in these type situations is also very important. And I could name about five different

mentors that really supported me, encouraged me, believed in me, never stopped believing in me. And those things are so powerful to have that in your life. And so I'm a big component on never giving up on kids and never giving up on someone who is in a situation because what we know in domestic violence is a woman, you know, she'll leave and she will go back. She'll leave and she'll go back. And there's reasons for that, that unless you are trained in this area, you don't understand. And so just being a support, not being judgmental, being supportive, encouraging and loving is, you know, those are the most important things a person can do. And as far as social work, you know, being a social worker is just providing those resources, being there,

being a good listener. And of course, you know, social workers have all those skills anyway, so I don't have to say this. Well, that's it. We want to thank you for being so open about such a personal issue. Thank you so much, Carla. Thank you. It's been an honor and a pleasure, and I always enjoy speaking with my colleagues at the National Association of Social Workers. Thank you so much. Have a good one. You too. You have been listening to NASW Social Work Talks, a production of the National Association of Social Workers. We encourage you to visit NASW's website for more information about our efforts to enhance the professional growth and development of our members, to create and

maintain professional standards, and to advance sound social policies. You can learn more at www.socialworkers.org. Don't forget to subscribe to NASW Social Work Talks wherever you get your podcasts. Thanks again for joining us. We look forward to seeing you next episode. Thank you.