NASW Social Work Talks - EP20: Support for Caregivers

Episode Date: December 18, 2018

Our guest Santo D. Marabella, MBA, DSW (a.k.a., The Practical Prof®) is an author, playwright, filmmaker, speaker and educator. He's the author of "The Lessons of Caring: Inspiration and Support for Caregivers."  Dr. Marabella talks about the lessons he's learned while caring for his aging parents, and how the book can help people in a similar situation. Read the show notes to learn more

Thank you for joining us for this episode of NASW's Social Work Talks. I'm your host, Aaliyah Wright, and today we're speaking with NASW member Santo Marabella about his book, The Lessons of Caring, Inspiration and Support for Caregivers. Dr. Marabella is a professor of management at Moravian College in Bethlehem, Pennsylvania. His experience and study includes work in leadership strategy, management, social work, the arts and not-for-profit boards he holds a bachelor's degree in business management from villanova university an mba from saint joseph university and a doctor of social work from the university of pennsylvania dr marabella thank you so much for joining us oh thank you it's really

wonderful to be here can you tell us why you decided to write this book yeah i've had the privilege of being the primary caregiver for my parents. Dad's 92 and my mom's 88 and they have various advancing medical health issues and we do have a wonderful caregiver that works with me and helps them daily. Within the last year or two it's been getting a little bit more I guess more pressing in terms of their needs currently my mom's on dialysis now dad's had a number of falls so in the last two years kind of ramped up their needs and it can be overwhelming so i thought about this and i thought well i bet i'm not the only person in this situation and i bet that some of the things that i'm learning might add to the conversation about caregiving i know there's lots

of wonderful resources about it um but i i thought that perhaps some of the lessons i've been learning and some of the ways that i could articulate those would benefit others and i think i also needed to do something productive and positive and not dwell on some of the some of the stuff that can get overwhelming at times and so who is your intended audience i i love our membership i think we have such a variety of people and professions that are the helping professions so I think one segment is certainly our colleagues who do so good so much good for for people in all walks of life I think sometimes maybe and I'm not a clinical person I did a clinical when I was in grad school turned out to be one

of the best educational experiences I've ever had I teach and I work with organizations and businesses and but I still recognize that as professionals in in the helping profession we may not always remember and be present to some of the things that some of the folks are going through our focus is on clients and patients and and sometimes we forget the client might also be in this case the caregiver and so I think one target is certainly our membership and the other target which is probably a bit larger are people you know the baby boomers the folks traditionally you know we call them the sandwich generation

because taking care of not only their children but taking care of their parents and I think it's such an easy thing to forget that we have to take care of ourselves and in the helping profession we know that we don't always do it but we definitely know about it but I think those that are taking care of loved ones family members may not always remember that and may need support to remember that and to also to find ways to do that to actually take care of themselves and so i think you know from an educational academic background like i always lean towards starting with making people aware and trying to educate and inform but you know i've learned in

all my years of teaching that you need to do that at every level that you teach whether it's in a classroom or outside you have to get people's attention and you have to be engaging and you have to really know your audience dr marabella why do you think this topic is important today i'm i know there are books and resources on caregiving but there sure isn't a handbook on this you know as i said being that academic i went to the to the literature and there are about 43.5 million caregivers can you believe that wow lines of caregiving right um as of caregiving that's in the us uh as of 2015. that's

a lot of people in the united states that are in the same proverbial uh caregiving boat as me The majority of caregivers, depending on the source, anywhere from 53% to 68% are women. Women who are probably already taking care of households and children and having jobs outside the home. And some of the data shows that people who are caregiving, surprise, neglect their own health. There's a statistic that suggests that about 15.7 million people are caring for Alzheimer's patients and many of those may actually die sooner than the Alzheimer patient

they're caring for yeah I the other the final one that I thought was relevant was a quote by Joanne Jenkins from AARP many cases people were spending more time and resources caring for aging parents than they did raising their own children that's a quote from her so you put all that together what do we have we have a contemporary social societal issue that isn't going to go away anytime soon and it's it's a great thing right it's a blessing that we have our loved ones whether aging or physically disabled because of medical science and technology and the wonders that it brings and and not a but and the same

time, we have the challenges and the overwhelming responsibilities that such a situation brings. I wanted to ask you also about self-care, because that's one of the things that people need to be aware of when they're caring for other people is taking care of themselves. Can you speak a little bit about why that's important? Yeah, I'm not speaking as an expert because I don't do it very well. The basic rationale that I hear a lot from people who care about me, including my parents, is that if you don't take care of yourself, you are going to have no strength, ability, capacity to take care of your parents. And so putting it on them in this sense that, you know, it's not about me it's about me being able to better take care of them

sometimes helps you know I grew up in Italian Catholic so combine all that guilt there and but it's a good thing and hit the guilt is guilt can be helpful but for me it's physical health too I mean the stress the and I don't want to paint a picture here though for me that's not at all as I said to start I think it's a privilege to be in this role, and at the same time, it's really hard at times. But when I look at this notion of self-care, I put in the book that exercise, physical activity, all those things are really important because they, as we know, de-stress us. I am the worst at this.

I despise going to a gym. I had a gym membership. I took what I like to call a gym hiatus for about a year and a half because, of course, I had every excuse in the book. You know, I had a lot of hospitalizations with my folks. You know, I needed to be at the hospital or I needed to be at their house. So there was lots of great excuses why I couldn't go to the gym for a year and a half. So I wrote the book, and in it I put about, you know, the importance of self-care in whatever way you choose. and I looked at myself and I was like, well, you know, you really need to practice what you're

preaching here. So as of a few months ago, I am back at the gym. I am hating it less than I used to, which I guess is a progress, but I actually feel better. It does help. Let's talk about why your book is an e-book rather than a printed book and tell us what's distinctive about your book. And what I really, really found in this process was there's so many people like me who are also either have been recently or currently in the same situation. And I thought, what better way to support caregivers who might read the book than to hear from more than just me? So I reached out to some folks, you know, social media is wonderful for things like that. And wound up with, I think about 10 folks 8 to 10 folks who agreed to share some commentary about their

experience so what I did is each of the lessons or chapters the conversations with the folks that went on video match those lessons so I think it's another way to bring to life the lessons look I don't think people who are caregivers have the time or the inclination for the most part to read a heady research book it's not one I wanted the right and it's not one I would want to read as a caregiver I think what people who are in this situation want is they want to support they want resources and tools that they can apply the next day and I think they also want a community as you've seen the chapters are really

short there's activities the videos bring to life what other people have been through they offer support and encouragement and and they're kind of folksy, just regular folks just talking to me, which is just really what I wanted. I wanted authentic support for people who read this book. It's definitely different in that it's structured that way. I found the videos incredibly insightful because it's just real people talking about their real experiences and dealing with being a caregiver. And it's something that I think a lot of caregivers don't think about, that there are other people out there like them going through the same thing. So I want to ask you about how the book is laid out and structured.

The way it's structured is there are eight lessons after the introduction. There is a kind of an opening little background and some of my experience. And there's what I call a mantra. I've been influenced over the years by so many wonderful modalities and philosophies of self-care and mindfulness. And so I've tried to incorporate the little that I know about that into a very usable format. So there's a mantra for each lesson. Then there's some questions that I pose to the reader for them to consider and to think about and to reflect on, followed by just that, a reflection, a way to really be thoughtful. One of the things I've learned from social work is this notion that I guess we used to call them

processed papers and processed forms where we'd actually be evaluated about what we're doing. But that process of reflecting and being introspective and taking the time to be present to what's going on, It almost, what I call it in my alter ego, the practical prof, I call it the prof pause. This pause is what gets us out of trouble. Well, it gets me out of trouble a lot because it's that point where you want to say something or you want to do something and you just don't do anything. You just stop that cold and collect yourself. Breathing is a really important thing I found.

It keeps clarity. There are lots of circumstances in time that just challenge us as caregivers, that just really, really test us. And so taking this ProfPause or the reflection can be so helpful. And then, you know, I am a college prof, as you noted, so, you know, we have to have homework. I have a background in consulting and training for businesses, and businesses want takeaways, and takeaways they can use the next day. influenced by that, there's homework that I think will help you maybe in an area of caregiving

as it relates to one of these lessons to maybe develop and grow in that area. Trust me, I equip myself as a student of this, not just the teacher in this book. And then the final section is amusing, which I hope kind of lightens the things up because this can get a little bit heavy at times what is your hope for the book and its impact so the human part of me is like well i want to sell books right and that'd be fun because you get to communicate your message more more than that and and bigger picture and longer term is i i've been given some gifts in my life and i've been very privileged throughout my life and largely because of my parents. And I really think that I need to give back and continue to give back, not just to them, but if there's ways

that I can make a difference for others. I know it sounds kind of hokey and cliche, but people who know me know that it's pretty authentic. It's really who I'm about. I do want to make a difference. And I think sometimes just having the conversation, making it okay to communicate, to vent. You know, I started a Facebook private group for readers. Once they read the book, they're invited to join the Facebook group. And I made it private because I want people to feel safe and that they have a community where they can say, you know, I'm so frustrated because my mom, dad, brother, son, daughter, whoever you're caring for, friend, partner, was driving me crazy today. And I don't, you know, I don't, I had to take,

I had to step away and I just need to step away and tell somebody, well, that's really good because that keeps us grounded in this reality that we're in right now. If I can make a difference in that way and if we can share this message and if people talk about this more more comfortably wow then that's a wonderful thing for everybody people who are caregivers can feel isolated and alone how do you hope your book will impact those suffering in that way i think that's really true and it's it it makes me sad a bit to know that there may be a lot of people i'm really blessed you know what they say it takes a village to raise a kid well it takes a village to raise your parents as well and I I have that I have friends of my

parents I have my friends of mine Raven College my employer is just amazingly accommodating I mean I'm always committed and and they know that but at the same time they're amazing so I'm blessed and it's still harder so I can only imagine for people who don't have the community that i have what this must be like if people see this this is out there if people uh connect with the facebook community i'm also going to start a um maybe it'll be monthly i'm not sure yet but kind of like office hours with the practical prof where um maybe you know we'll take it an hour and anybody who's read the book who wants to check in and maybe talk with other folks on video

conferencing which would be really great because and anything that we can help people feel connected we're not doing therapy here we're not I'll say that for the professional clinicians do that so well what we are doing is we're telling people that you are not alone and somebody else cares about what you're going through and gets it and is there. And meaning is there to talk to on a phone call, in an email, or in a text, on a video conference. If you're close by geographically, maybe you grab a coffee when you find time at 3 a.m. That's really my vision of just letting people who are feeling the isolation have some ways out of that. Can you explain to our listeners what the

practical professor is? I love what I do. I teach college. I train business. I worked with lots of boards and not-for-profits, and so I started to write, and it's kind of funny because my relationship with writing has not always been a love affair. It's mostly been very tenuous and not always fun because as a professor, you got to, you know, publish or perish. Well, my place at Moravian, we really emphasized teaching and scholarship. So that's great. It's a place where I really needed to be because both are so important. But, you know, I still needed to write and publish. Once I, you know, got tenure and full professor and all that stuff, I found out that I actually liked to write. So I started writing. I started writing a column in the

newspaper for the Reading Eagle and from that column grew into my first book which was simple lessons for anyone who works so I have this moniker because I think the practical prof can be the best of both worlds I know I live in the academic world but that's not always practical and the world of pragmatics isn't always grounded in the best information so when you put the two together you get I think a good combination that really speaks to a broader audience it's also helped my teaching because it reminds me whether I'm teaching graduate students or undergraduate students it reminds me

that the best learning is is is what we remember five ten years so I'm more the long term I want to figure out ways that whatever we're talking about however we're learning is going to be impactful and enduring professor Merida what's the most important takeaway you have for our listeners today the takeaway from reading the book is number one a feeling of some peacefulness around the notion that when we realize when we have that aha moment that we're not the only person in this place and again this is a recurring theme that we've talked about it but I can't emphasize it enough we all know what it's like to be stuck or

to be to feel loneliness and to feel isolated and how immobilizing that can be so if there's this aha moment in the takeaway that wow um a lot of what he says in this book really makes sense to me i really resonate with that i didn't realize that's what i was feeling or thinking maybe i give you a code a code for understanding uh something that you've expressed you know i'm not probably teaching you anything you didn't know i think what i can help do and what the book can help do is maybe codify or categorize or articulate it in a way that you may not have been able to articulate and then the second thing is this way of understanding things and the third i hope is that it's inspirational i think the third takeaway is that we are making a difference for people's

lives. We are affirming the dignity of life. There's so many things in this world today that do the opposite, that denigrate and tear down and destroy. But wow, caregiving for somebody we love is one of the noblest, one of the most, the purest expressions of love that we can ever, ever articulate and communicate to somebody. And I think people will have to be reminded about that. You know, because in those times when we're ready to scream, we've got to remember what a wonderful thing. Look, I know that my parents are still living in their home because of me and the professional caregiver we have and because of their will to live and to continue to have as much quality of life as they can. So I don't look at that as, oh, look how great I am because I'm doing this.

but I do look at it as the greatness around it is I stepped up and we're partnering together on this journey my parents and I and our caregiver and I really feel good about you know one of the lessons I talk about here is regrets you know not avoiding regrets that they are definitely avoidable if there's so many lessons I think are important but I think for me that and and being present to what I'm doing is really an important takeaway for me because I know that I can't stop their illness and disease as much as I'd like a magic wand. But what I can do is do everything possible so that what they do enjoy here is as much quality of life.

Because I don't want to regret. I don't want to say I should have, I wish I would have. That's not in my vocabulary. If readers get that and that resonates, I don't want that for them, either. I want them to realize that the struggle and the difficulties are surmountable and can be addressed. And maybe this book is one small tool in the toolbox, but maybe it opens doors to other tools.

Professor, thank you so much for your wonderful insight. Oh, where can people get your book? It's available at fine e-book sellers everywhere. So if you go on Amazon or barnesandnoble.com, amazon.com, or iTunes, and type in The Lessons of Caring, and then it'll give you links. Within the book itself, the e-book itself, whatever reader you have, It'll give you a link to the video, which takes you to the YouTube pages. So if you're on a reader that's connected to the internet, that's really helpful.

There are also ways, if you don't have an e-reader, to actually preview it or download it through a URL. So I would encourage folks to do that, but I appreciate you letting me talk about that. And thank you, Dr. Marabella, for joining us. and listeners, if you've enjoyed Social Work Talks, please leave us a review on iTunes. Until next time. You have been listening to NASW Social Work Talks, a production of the National Association of Social Workers. We encourage you to visit NASW's website for more information about our efforts to enhance the professional growth and development of our members, to create and maintain professional standards and to advance sound social policies. You can learn more at

www.socialworkers.org. Don't forget to subscribe to NASW Social Work Talks wherever you get your podcasts. Thanks again for joining us. We look forward to seeing you next episode.