National Park After Dark - An Ode to Ian

Episode Date: June 23, 2022

Today we remember and honor the life of Danielle’s partner Ian along with all the smiles, laughs and immense love he left behind. We also discuss grief, in its many forms, and what life after death for the living can be like. We love you Ian. Ian’s GoFundMeGrief Support Recs: Terrible, Thanks for Asking. Good Mourning. Hey Spirit (Podcasts). Hot Young Widows Club (Book). TED Talk.For the latest NPAD updates, group travel details, merch and more, follow us on npadpodcast.com and our socials at:Instagram: @‌nationalparkafterdarkTikTok: @‌nationalparkafterdarkSupport the show by becoming an Outsider and receive ad free listening, bonus content and more on Patreon or Apple Podcasts. Want to see our faces? Catch full episodes on our YouTube Page!Thank you to this week’s partners!Beam: Use code NPAD to get 40% off your first subscription order or 20% a one-time purchase  Microdose: Use code NPAD to get free shipping and 30% off your first order.ZBiotics: Get 15% off your first order when you use code NPADFor a full list of our sources, visit http://npadpodcast.com/episodes Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Your next obsession is waiting. Watch only on Prime. Hello everybody. Welcome back to National Park After Dark. Welcome back. Thank you for being so very patient with us over the last few weeks, a month. I don't even, time is blended. I don't know really how to begin this eloquently.

other than we both hope that this is the hardest episode we will ever have to do. And if you're looking at the numbers, no, you did not miss an episode. This is episode 69 as an honorable 69 to Ian because we never had an episode 68, but this is a dedication to my late partner, Ian, and he wouldn't have wanted any other number. So we just went ahead and skipped 68. So this one's for you, Ian. Number 69. Number 69, baby.

So today's episode is going to be a bit different from any other episodes we have ever done for many reasons. It's going to be kind of a mashup of a few different things. It's going to be kind of like a part thank you, story sharing, reminiscing. There's going to be laughs, tears. It's going to be my ode to Ian. And it doesn't necessarily take place in a national park, although we have been to many together. But Ian was a huge part of this podcast and, of course, my life. And we owe him an episode.

So here we are. You definitely too. In case anyone is new here, yeah, definitely probably not the best first episode to listen to. But just as a quick explanation, the very bare minimum of an explanation that I can muster, because I don't know how. I don't know how else I'm going to get through this, but Ian, who is my partner, passed away extremely unexpectedly in early May. A couple days before his passing, he was having some migraines, a bit of an issue with some headaches. And we went to the doctors twice in the week prior to his passing. But I had to call 911 in the early hours of May 7th after he experienced a seizure while we were in bed.

and he passed away the following day in the ICU. So for co-hosting a podcast exclusively almost about death, it turns out I am really, really shit at handling it. And as many of you know who have been with us for a while, I've talked from time to time about losing my dad in much the same way as far as unexpected. At an age I was not prepared for that was young, I thought, for him, things like that. And as much as that shattered my heart and changed my life, I was very, very wrong to think that

experiencing that type of grief would prepare me for all the other grief to come in life. And the reason that I really wanted to speak about Ian's life and what my life has been like since his passing is because Cassie and I come on this show every week, sometimes twice a week now, and talk about death in some capacity. And we have never spoken about what death leaves in. its wake and that is its effect on the living. So I was going to try and form this somehow into maybe like a trail tale type of format, but instead I just kind of sat at my computer and wrote and whatever came from that is going to come out of my mouth for the next, however long this is going

to last. It's just going to be kind of my pure and unfiltered and unformatted memories and feelings and some of our adventures together. And while the majority of our relationship and our lives will remain private as they should. I did really want to dedicate an episode to Ian because he deserves it. So, um, I know it's just the outpouring of people who have said, you know, I feel like I've known Ian because of things that you've said throughout, you know, just little tidbits about him and things like that. And personally, I never thought that I really talked much about him, I guess, but you know, maybe throughout time and over the last year and a half, those little details have added up. But this is going to be a little bit more, more put together,

kind of a clearer picture for everyone. So Ian and I had paths that kind of actually mirrored each other and almost kind of just like ran parallel, but never crossed until much later in our lives. We grew up in the same small town in New Hampshire. He was four years younger than me, so we didn't have many super close mutual friends, but I was friends with his sister. And we graduated in the same class. And he would joke later on, like, come on, you really don't remember me. Like, you were at my house. Courtney was at your house.

Like, come on, you don't remember seeing me and meeting me, like, referencing the times that me and me and Courtney would be together. And he knew exactly who you were. I don't know. Even if he really knew or if he was just like, come on, how could you not remember me? Like, this space, how do you not know? Okay, so you were probably eight at the time. So no, I don't remember you. You know, after college, I decided to move to Colorado.

And he too decided to move there after he graduated high school. And again, like I said, we're four years apart. So at the time he's graduating high school, I'm graduating college. So we moved to the state pretty much around the same time. So again, parallel lives, but not really intersecting because he lived in the Denver area and I lived in Colorado Springs. And we had no idea that either of us were so close. I mean, we had no reason to. Like, we weren't friends.

Yeah, like you didn't really know what was going on in each other's lives. And you just happened to be in the same area. Same area. Yeah, exactly. So I'm in Colorado for years. So is he. I ended up moving back to New England after my time in Colorado and spent a few more years back in New Hampshire. But I was really missing the state.

Like, I had such a great time in Colorado. And I wanted, it's not like I wanted to move back, but I definitely wanted to go visit it again. So my mom and I decided to take a trip. to Rocky Mountain and go see some of the things that I couldn't see when I was there because I was working three jobs. I had like two days off a month. I couldn't really take a trip up to, you know, the sand dunes or the, you know, Rocky Mountain or whatever. Yeah. Whenever I wanted. So we decided to go to Rocky Mountain together. And that was actually the trip I went to the Stanley Hotel at the first time. Oh, really? Yeah. You saw Ian right after that? Yes. Oh, my gosh. Yeah. So,

the first time I saw the Stanley Hotel was during that trip, and that was also the first time I truly met Ian. So whether or not we had seen each other before when we were much younger, this is what I count as our first meeting. And he definitely must have been eyeing me on social media. Well, I know he was because he was in your DMs. He definitely was. He would always joke. I got you by sliding into your DMs. I'm like, please don't spread that around. Please don't tell people that's how he met. Yeah. So I know that because he had sent me like a few messages here and there, like the month prior, but he really ramped up when I was in Colorado. She's here now. She's here. So he was messaging me like, we should meet up while you're here. And this is a trip I was taking with my mom. Like I'm not about to go into downtown Denver and hang out with you. I'm not here to date anyone. I'm with my mom.

Right. Doing a national park trip. Exactly. So I decided that, you know what, why not? And it was the day that we were supposed to fly back out. So our flight was maybe in the late afternoon. And I said, you know what? Sure.

I have a few hours before my flight if you want to come into this area. So he got an Uber. He lived in downtown Denver, like Bachelor, studio apartment, didn't need a car. So he Ubered out to where I was near DIA. and we had a drink together. And I guess the rest is history type of thing. You know, from that time on, we both kind of knew that we had struck gold because that meeting was kind of like, it was like a reunion of souls.

Like that day definitely marked the first day of the best adventure I have ever been on. Well, I remember when you came home from that trip and you came to work, this was when we were working in vet med together. And you came in. And one, I thought you were out with your mom in Colorado. So when you came back and you're like, I met someone. I was like, hold on. Hold on a second.

Like, where is your mom? In the car, actually, okay, just so everyone. Thank you, mom. I know you're listening. She dropped me off because we had a rental car. Yeah. She just dropped me off. And I'm like, yeah, I'm just going to go meet a friend and, you know, I'll text

you. It shouldn't be long. It's like three hours later. And she's like, okay, we're going to miss our flight. Like, we have to go. What have you been doing? Yeah, yep. But I remember you came back and you're like, I met up with Ian and I felt like I knew, I can't explain it, but I felt like I have known him my entire life. Yeah. It was insane because, you know, it's just very, I have never, I have met many people that I'm like, wow, you're really cool. I like you. Yeah. You know, like you're a cool person. I think we're going to get along really well. But this was truly something I have never, ever experienced before. And it was not ideal at the start. Like I said,

I mean, we just had this like amazing first, essentially like first date. And then literally I was like, okay, bye, I'm going to get on a plane right now. And I have to catch my flight across the country. And not only was I going back to New Hampshire, he was in the process of moving to Florida to start his whole yachting thing. So he's across the country and he's moving another place across the country, still not intersecting. Exactly. So I, you know, at first it kind of on paper was like, what are we doing here? You know, so on paper, it seems like the timing couldn't really be worse, but we made it work. I mean, after that, like, after that first meeting, it was kind of just all over. And we ended up having a long-distance relationship for several months.

And I always think, like, if I could get a hold of my cell phone records from that time, oh, my God. Like, I am so shocked. My fingers didn't fall off from texting and my ear didn't, like, melt to my phone being on the phone for so long, because we talked every single day, all day, and during the long distance portions of our relationship, we booked trips to make sure that we kind of always had something to look forward to through our time apart. And our favorite trip of all time was not a national park. It was quite the opposite, but anyone who is in Florida or lives in Florida has been here, our favorite trip was definitely a spur of the moment long weekend in Ybor City in Florida.

We had a lot of fun memories there. It kind of was just like a random place. We didn't really go for any reason, which is very out of character for me. Because usually I'm like, we're going to do this, this, and this. And these are the things I want to see while we're here. And we kind of just chose it. And we had some mishaps. He backed our rental convertible up into a pole the second we got in it.

And we ended up drinking tea laced or not laced because it was intentional. We didn't get drugged. Well, kind of. We had cratum in tea. We didn't know what cratum was. So that was an adventure and that was right before we went on the best ghost tour of our whole lives. And then he got us pretty much lost a drift on a hobie cat, which is like a little mini sailboat. But we had such a fun time.

We rented a little tiny house and that ghost tour, like I said, was just so fun. And we floated like on the waves, on the beach, holding hands, which is saying something because I don't like to swim, number one. don't get me in the water. I was just going to say, hold on, you are swimming. And holding hands in public in a romantic way. Really? Because I specifically remember, okay, so I specifically remember we all went to California together and Al was there and Ian was there.

And I try to get Al to hold my hand all the time. And I specifically remember looking at you and Ian holding hands and being like, Ian holds her hand. It's like, why can't we be like that? Well, it's funny because I've just never been a PDA person in any sort of way. Like, I think it's nothing, it's not that I have anything against it. It's just I feel like sometimes I feel uncomfortable with PDA when I'm involved. But as soon as I met Ian, it's just like, sorry to literally everyone because we're the people making out in the corner.

We are the people. Yep, exactly. So anyway, fast forward through our long distance. And we were like in the home stretch. And I remember we went to Asheville for a long weekend. And that flight home was so sweet because he was flying home for good. Like usually we would fly somewhere. It would be great for like two or three days. And then we would cry in the airport because we would have to go back to Florida, New England, wherever. And we were so happy because that flight home, he was coming home to New England. Like that was the because he had finished up his Florida yachting stuff. And we were kind of planning on, you know, we'll go back to New England for a little while and then figure out what our. next move was going to be. And we had an awesome summer in New England, and we decided that our next adventure would be coming here to Washington. And I bought a little off-road camper. We packed our cars, and we just headed west. And we spent about two and a half weeks moseying our way to Washington.

We slept each night in the camper, either off of Forest Service roads on BLM land or in different national parks. And I planned the entire route, which we had like a show. shared note on our iPhones. So it kind of just outlined our stops because I had my Jeep in the camper and then he was driving his truck. So we were kind of like had this mini caravan going. And although we had like a shared itinerary, I don't think he ever really cared. He was just kind of like happily like, okay. So I'll follow you. Where are we going next? No, I'm like, you don't, we're driving cross country on all of these like back roads and through the forest. And he's like, this is fun. So if it was me, I'd be like, where are we?

What are we doing next? Where's the gas station? Are we going to a hotel? And he's just like, yeah, I'm happy to be here. Like, just let me know where to go. Yep. Down with the going with the flow. And during this particular trip, we checked off arches, Death Valley, Lassen Volcanic, and Crater Lake, as far as national parks. But our favorite night by far was outside of Area 51. Of course, I had to drive the extraterrestrial highway. I couldn't be in close proximity to it and not drive it. Yeah. So we did. And, and. And we wound up in a tiny town called Rachel Nevada. And the population, I think, is like less than 50 people.

Legitimately less than 50 people. It's very, very small. We had breakfast at this place called the Little Alien. And, oh, I have the, see, I have the little, like their little business card. Welcome to the Little Alien. That's cute. And it's a, we didn't stay at the, because they have like hotel rooms and stuff. But they had, you know, you could get breakfast there and stuff.

And that's what we did. And while we were there in the little. which is just obviously covered in Area 51 stuff and, you know, just such a vibe in there. And while we were there, the one person working saw that we had the camper and we asked where we could camp nearby. And they're like, they just like pointed across the street. They're like literally anywhere. No one cares. Yeah. So we drove across the street after we ate and we set up camp. And it was just like the seemingly endless swath of desert. And Ian played guitar as I heated up our meals like we did every night. The dogs played with the tumbleweeds and we took some calls from

family that night. I remember because we were so excited that we had service. So we took advantage of it and kind of touched base with people. And then as night fell, we locked the dogs in the camper and we dragged my sleeping bag up on top of the Jeep with a pillow. And we took advantage of the zero light pollution to Stargaze. And of course, we were UFO watching. Yes, of course. What else does one do? on the extraterrestrial highway. So there was like this huge swath of desert and there was where we were camped. It was kind of like lined with a mountain ridge

and over that mountain ridge was an Air Force base. And they had been sending out, there was at least two to three fighter jets that they had sent out in the middle of the night as we were stargazing. And for maybe two to three hours, we were watching them just like zip across the sky and we would like shudder and laugh

every time they broke the sound barrier because it would shake the camper, the Jeep, like you would feel it like reverberate through your body. And it was just the coolest experience. And it was so unexpected. And it was just the one of the best nights that we've ever had. And we just like stumbled into it. It wasn't planned at all. Was not planned. In Death Valley, I swore. I saw a mountain lion at desk and freaked the fuck out. And I locked us all inside the camper. Because we were like set up somewhere. I forget the can. that we were in within Death Valley.

And later on the next day, we stopped at the visitor center. And I asked if mountain lines were prevalent in that area, especially that time of year. And while they were like, okay, so it's not impossible, but it probably was likely not. Like in the moment, I swear to God, I saw like the reflection of the eyes. And I dragged all the dogs into the camera. I'm like, there's a mountain line. And I, and he kind of like, you know when someone's panicking next to you? and you don't know why, but you're now panicked.

He was like, oh my God, okay. And then he was like, wait, what? No, like, as we were in the camp, I'm like, no, I'm not going out there. Like, I swear to God, I just saw one. And he didn't think so. And if he was here right now, he would swear that I was losing my mind.

But he was very reluctant to peek his head out and get out and check to make sure that there actually wasn't one. He's like, there's definitely not one out there, but I'm not looking. Yeah, but I'm also scared. Yeah. We stood under the infamous arches in you. Utah and kissed like it was some grand stone form of mistletoe. We hiked to the petroglyph covered walls

in Moab, watched the boiling mud pots in Lassen volcanic, and enjoyed the perfect bluebird day in Crater Lake. We dipped our toes in Lake Tahoe, took showers in the hot springs that teamed with small fish in Utah, and had to this day the best pancakes of our entire lives in its small town I don't remember the name of at the base of Mount Shasta. This was the first meal other than like a boil in the bag, dehydrated meal that we had in a really long time. So maybe we were a little bit swayed. But we did try going back like a year later to recreate and get those pancakes and nothing could ever compare. Like it was just the best meal we've ever had. You went back and you're like, we need those pancakes. And then we had them. We're like, are we sure this is like? Is this a place?

Yeah. Yep. And it was when we were leaving Oregon and entering into Washington when I first brought up the idea of the podcast. And I think it was because I was kind of high off of our weeks of adventuring through our public lands and obviously had a lot of time to just think and kind of daydream and, you know, wasn't worried with day-to-day work or errands or whatever. And I pitched him the idea. And I was like, what do you think of this? And he really loved it. And he thought it was. great and he was like well who are you going to do it with who would you do this with and that's the moment I texted you because I was like I know exactly the person I know exactly the person of who to ask I need to find this text so we can read how are you going to our text thread is I found it before okay I was going to say a bit overwhelming because what year was it in 2000 and it was the end of 2020 right yeah it was the end of it was in October of 2020 okay you were Because October 30th, 2020 at 101 p.m. I think probably Pacific Standard Time. Hear me out. Dot, dot, dot. Podcast. National Park After Dark. We talk about all the fucked up things that happened there.

Murder, fatal accidents, animal attacks, et cetera. And I said, I love it. And we could even interview with people who get lost and survive for days out there. Like people who survived attacks could do the podcast recording sometimes at night inside a park. You said exactly, like for special events, we could totally do this. Like, you're involved. Cassie, what she doesn't mention is she didn't know what a podcast was at the time. But we figured it out, right? We did. And then I'm reading this thread, too, and you sent me a bunch of ideas for podcast logos.

I don't even want to see. I think I'm good with it. We talk about our tagline, enjoy the view, but watch your back. Really? That suit? early on. Let me see how... For some reason, I thought it didn't come until later. It was you who came up with the idea. It said, yes, enjoy the view, but watch your back.

Our tagline. And I don't even remember that. Oh, it's so funny rereading this now. October 30th, 2020, when you were out with Ian is when this whole podcast started. And it was just, yeah, I was just, he was like, yeah, that's great. But who are you going to do it with? Are you going to do it by yourself? I'm like, what? Because he had the feeling I wasn't asking him. You know, like, I was like, I have this idea.

What do you think of it? Not like, I have this idea, do you want to do it with me? He was kind of like, he got the vibe. The vibe that he wasn't. He's like, this is your thing. Yeah. Who are you doing it with? Yep.

So our first home in Washington was less than ideal in some ways. We had the infamous bathtub with no curtain or shower stand that I had to rig a broom handle. I had to use a broom to attach the shower. head two feet off the ground and shower underneath that. We had a flee infestation because the person who owned the house had a giant hole in the wall for stray cats to come and go as they please. All of the appliances were at least from the 40s, but it was also so perfect in so many ways. The lofted sleeping area and the skylight above the bed soothed us every night during our rainy Washington nights. Ian loved putting on his carhart overalls and going to go.

going out into the driveway to the woodshed and chopping wood for our wood stove. And I remember waking up to the smell of coffee he would make every single morning on the percolator on the stove, which at the time, I was like, why am you going through? He would have whole beans grind them up. Like the sound of the grinding would wake me up from the loft. And then he would put it in a percolator, which we used on our, I understand using on like a camping trip. But I'm like, this is, this takes 40 minutes from start to when I actually had my cup of coffee.

But he loved using his percolator. And our next home was definitely an upgrade, but it's still unique because here we are in a converted garage. It's very small, but it's cozy. And that's all that we ever wanted. We attempted to grow vegetables in the summer. We hung garland around the door during the winter. We continued our tradition of our Charlie Brown Christmas trees and decorated. our sad-looking little pine trees with the words, Hail Santa, and topped it with an alligator

hand flipping the middle finger as like kind of our star. And that piece we had found at an oddity shop during one of our travels when we were long distance. We loved having a home base, but we were always thinking about our next adventures to go on. We checked off so many places off of our list. New Hampshire, Maine, Massachusetts, North Carolina, Colorado, New Mexico, Nevada, Utah, Washington, Oregon, Florida, California. We've been so many places and so many experience within all of them. And of course, we were looking forward to so, so many more. I've already had to cancel two upcoming trips

and shed more than a few tears when his updated passport arrived in the mail. These trips I've literally had to cancel, although others were just thoughts that I now have to dismiss. All of the items that we checked off of our list together, all of those memories we made, I look so fondly upon because he made them what they were. And please remember that the next time you go to do the same. Whatever item that you're checking off your list,

make sure that you look around you. Because despite those beautiful waterfalls or stunning rock formations, more often than not, it's the people we share our adventures with that make them the most memorable. And as we sit here recording this episode, Cassie and I are sitting in Ian and I's shared office. Ian worked from home and his desk is just a few feet away from mine. He was always the first to hear any of my episodes.

I'd practice reading them out loud to him or just sharing facts that I was uncovering while researching the episodes and putting them together. He was always my guinea pig. Although he never offered any criticism, always just, wow, so great, so interesting, good job. He was one of our very first Patreon members. He was one of the first to buy our merch. He wore his gray NPAD sweatshirt literally everywhere. He hyped up our show to every single person he met, even people directly in front of me, which was wicked embarrassing.

But he was our number one fan. The smile on his face when we asked him to write and record our guitar intro and outro, and especially when he realized that he would be playing it for our first moment live show in California in person. Oh, my God, he was so excited. He was so ecstatic. And he always took music very seriously. It was his passion. So even though our intro and the guitar sounds to our outro and even the little guitar sound, the come little children for the Salem episode you did, I forget what episode that is.

It's Halloween since then last year. Yep. So all of the guitar intro, outro music, even though listening to it, it's what, 30 seconds or so clips at a time, he would send us five, six versions for us to choose from. And personally, I couldn't tell much of a difference between most of them, like minor tweaks. And he'd be like, no, like, I changed the tune in this one and I did this with this one. And we'd be like, right. We can totally hear that.

And he would get so into it. And whenever we would ask too, it was like, we'd be like, hey, we're thinking about this. And he's like, yep, I got it. It wasn't even a hesitation. It was like, I got it. Not only do I have this for you guys, but I've also created 10 versions. of it and you can choose what you want. Or if you want me to totally change it, I'll also do that. Yep. And all we had to do was we never even showed him an example of what we wanted. We just said,

this is the vibe we want. And he's like, say no more. Got it. He was just so musically gifted. And it was his passion. And we are so happy that he is going to forever be part of the podcast in that way as well. And this room that we're sitting in as well as our entire house has to this day remained untouched. I haven't had the strength to move anything from where he last placed it, but I know that someday soon, I will have to. I'll have to leave the home that we created together, and I'll be forced to start a new chapter, one that was handed to me when I didn't want it, and to be honest, one that I'm really dreading, because I will be doing it without him. But deep down, really deep down, I know that he's still with me and always will be. Ian changed me in all of the right ways. He brought

got calm and love into my life and taught me to not take life so seriously all the time. He was always my biggest supporter, believed in me, and saw things that I didn't see in myself. He encouraged me at every turn and loved me through even my most spicy, satirious moments. Ian may have died, but he isn't going anywhere. And I could literally go on and on and on about our story and about Ian, but I just wanted to give everyone a small glimpse into who he was and how important he was to me and so many others. I mean, this guy had so many friends, like an abnormal amount of friends and people who truly loved him. He was a light that we were all drawn to.

And to say that times are dark without him would be a massive understatement. And that kind of leads me into why I wanted to do this episode today, because I kind of kind of mentioned before, I really contemplated doing it. First, because of course, it is extremely difficult emotionally, but also because I treasure the relationship that I have with Ian so much that even sharing this small portion of it in such a public way is also kind of difficult in ways that are hard to describe. But I chose to because, like I said, every week we come on here and share a story about someone losing their life for the most part. And although some of our stories are historical,

and we can kind of dismiss as like, well, that happened, you know, 100 years ago or 150 years ago or whatever, a lot of them are very current. And that means that we are sharing stories that have impacted an untold amount of people in some of the worst ways. The stories that we share are very real, real people who had real lives and very real loved ones,

people who also were a light in the world to other people. And of course, we always do our best to be compassionate during episodes. We just really wanted to take the time to recognize this very basic and often overlooked fact that when people die, it's sad. And we feel for the victims of certain crimes or certain circumstances, but we also feel for the people that are left behind. My father and my partner may not have died on a climb in Yosemite or on a trail and glacier, but their loss is felt in a very similar. way. And also, another reason that I wanted to kind of even just bring this up is because I individually, as well as both of us on the podcast through social pages and the email and whatever way that someone could get a message to either Cassie or I, we have received hundreds of messages

of condolences, which is of course massively appreciated. But sprinkled in with those messages of condolences were also messages of, I'm sorry and I can relate. Listeners who have reached out and been kind enough to share just a sliver of their stories of grief and loss, whether it be a spouse, a sibling, a parent, a friend, I have been humbly reminded that not only am I not alone, I am supported, and that we are all fighting battles that no one could possibly imagine. No one would ever know, looking at me in line at the grocery store, attempting to buy a bottle of wine and a bottle of Advil with my library card, because my mind is full of fog, and I spent the last 72 hours in the fetal position on the floor that I had forgotten my credit card.

I was just staring at the wall that holds a framed self-portrait painting of Squidward that Ian thought was so funny. I didn't think it was funny at the time, and now it's like one of my most valued possessions. No one would guess that my world just crumbled when they honk at me for not driving fast enough through town, that I'm going under the speed limit because I'm driving Ian's truck. And I'm terrified of anything happening to it because that truck carried us so many places and I feel like I'm, I'm with part of him. The person sitting next to me at the premiere of the New Jurassic Park had no idea why I was crying in the middle of the movie, hugging my purse. Because instead of holding his hand, I was holding a pouch of his ashes to my chest.

Not a single person passing me on the street would know that under my sunglasses, my eyes are bloodshot because I lost my best friend, my romantic partner. my sounding board, my adventure buddy, my co-pilot, my comedian, my entire daily routine, and my whole future all at once. There is no right or wrong way to handle grief. And from what I've learned so far, every loss is wildly different. When my dad passed from a sudden heart attack at night when I was 19, I so arrogantly thought that, well, here it is, the worst thing that's ever happened to me. It's already happened. It's like I had this mental punch card that I had gotten a stamp on in that category. I thought that from that I would be resilient amidst anything that may come my way. And in some ways, I was right. Overcoming the insurmountable did help me become a stronger person at the time,

but I'm here to tell you that this experience is wildly different. Experiencing grief does not prepare you for losing other loved ones. And losing a loved one doesn't necessarily mean you will understand what someone else feels when they do. And sometimes you may have lost the same exact person as someone else, yet have a completely different path when it comes to grieving that person. My experience may be different from yours. I may be grieving differently than you have or would, or I may have lost someone that you haven't. But I'm also here to tell you that sadly, chances are, your time will come to grieve or to be there for someone that you care about who is. If you take anything from this weird rant of an episode, it is to just try and hold a little more room in your

heart for remembering that. To keep in mind that truly, sometimes life is just hard. And even if you aren't experiencing it now, someone is going through something that you can't imagine. So keep a little compassion in your hearts for that. And over the last month or so, I have ventured down the self-help, grief, therapy paths dabbled, I would say. I haven't really fully committed yet. And not all of them have worked for me, but I did find some comfort in a few things that I wanted to share just really quick in case anyone wanted to check them out. For podcasts, there are many about grief, but there are three in particular that have helped me. First, hey spirit, it's Teresa Caputo's podcast. I love Teresa Caputo, if you know anything about me. I've always been a fan, and I've

leaned on her and her live shows and her books throw out other times in my life. and her podcast is literally just readings, recorded readings she's had with people, and the closure that they have gotten from speaking with her has helped comfort me. There's also a podcast called Good Morning, like M-O-U-R-N-I-N-G, and it's two women from Australia who both lost their mothers, but they have created a podcast about loss in different ways, whether it be sibling loss, parent, spouse, etc. That has helped.

And there is also terrible, thanks for asking. And she, her name is Nora McKinry. She lost her unborn baby, her husband, and her father all within six months. And she has an amazing podcast about her experience. She also has a TED talk about grief that has helped me. And her book, The Hot Young Widows Club, has also been an immense help, not only just from losing a life partner standpoint, but also just how to navigate grief and bring.

be there for someone who is experiencing it. And I'll link them all in the episode description, of course. And when I say help, I say that very loosely. This is a journey I'm going to be on for a very, very long time. And I just wanted to say that obviously a huge thank you to everyone who has sent me a message either through the podcast page, an email, my direct Instagram, Facebook. Literally everything has been massively appreciated. Every single donation, to his GoFundMe that is linked in our link tree on our Instagram. That has been immensely helpful as well. I mean, any prayer, message of comfort, monetary donation, like, it's literally just,

I can't even describe how thankful I am for that. There's been a couple other, there's two other things I want to shout out really quick as thank you. One is to, there's been a lot of outpouring of love for Ian and things done in his memory and different celebrations of life and things that people have done or are starting to do in his memory. But in regards to specifically sent to me, one of our listeners named Chelsea, she donated on behalf of Ian to the Grizzly and Wolf Discovery Center right outside of Yellowstone. And she adopted a gray wolf named Boulder in his memory.

And they sent me a packet with information and pictures about him and just, that donation is going to fund care for Boulder for a while, and I'll receive periodic updates on him and how he's doing. And the money went towards a good cause. And it's something that Ian would have truly, truly loved and appreciated. So thank you, Chelsea, for doing that. It was very special. And a huge surprise when I got it in the mail. And then, of course, Cassie set up this donation in memory of Ian. And she had a grove of 10 trees planted in the Gifford Pinshaw National Forest right outside of Mount Rainier National Park in memory of Ian. And that was extremely specials. Thank you. Of course. And something a little happier because I feel like everyone's like,

oh my God, this is what I think that we're all crying. This is hard. Yeah. But a little bit of an upswing is, I mean, like I kind of mentioned, Ian was over the moon, excited about where National Park After Dark has brought Cassie and I. I mean, of course, we've said it before, we'll continue saying it. The community that we have built is something to be treasured and something to be extremely thankful for, not just for everyone individually, but just the opportunities that it has brought us. And one of those opportunities happens to be traveling. and trips. Yes. Which we have started to do. Obviously, we had announced that we were doing Alaska and, you know, and just like, we're really excited, obviously, Canada and things like that. But we had some

more upcoming trips kind of in the works when Ian passed. And to be honest, I kind of was thinking of just like backing out. I was just like, I can't do this. How am I supposed to travel and go on these amazing fun go lucky adventures when I just feel like, you know, my whole world is over and ended. So I was a little hesitant to do more or to even go on the ones that we have already booked. But as I've taken the last few weeks to a month to really reflect about what, it's kind of like, what would Ian do? You know, like what would he want? And I know truly, I mean, it's, I don't even have to think twice about it that he would want me. to go because he did want me to go. And even in the times that I was like, you know, okay, so if I go

here, here and here, that means we're going to be apart for weeks at a time. And I was really, I was having a lot of anxiety about that and leaving him and the dogs and my little family. And, you know, he was always just like, Tana, this is not even a question. Like, I don't even know why we're having this discussion. You need to take advantage of this. Like you have to go. This is such a good opportunity. Yeah. And he wanted me to go. And so I am. And we are. And on that note, we have two more trips that we can now announce. And there to some places that have been at the top of Cassie's list for a very long time. So would you like to do the honors? We are going to Patagonia and Peru. And I know that we very briefly mentioned it a while ago before this and we are finally ready to launch it. We will be going to Peru in April and Patagonia in March of 2023.

And it is on our bucket list. And I know you say me, but I can remember times back when we work together in veterinary medicine, where we would literally stop working to try and book a trip to Peru. Oh, my God. It was. Oh, my God. It was Peru. We're like, flights out of Boston to Peru right now are like, we can so do this. This is like $200.

And I remember, like, people would come over and be like, hey, like, there's stuff to do. And we're like, uh, uh, uh, we are on this travel page right now. And we have found a really cheap trip. Have a little respect. Okay. We're like, you don't have any PTO. And we're like, uh, uh, uh, we are planning a trip to Peru right now. And it's finally really happening.

It's happening. It is. And it's really exciting. We're so stoked to announce it. Patagonia is going, there are two different trips that are going to be launched at the same time. So if you are looking to book it, I would say choose one that you're most interested in just because they do sell out really fast. So I would say to focus on a certain one, Patagonia is going to be more of a hiking-based trip. While Peru, we're going to be going to Machu Picchu. We do have hikes

planned, but it will be more of a cultural exploration thing. And we will be posting the trip links in the episode description so you can take a look at the itineraries it will be launching to be booked on june 27th at 9 a.m. Yep yeah so right around the corner and it's something that yeah Peru now that you mention it we was kind of on our bucket I don't know if it was really on my list or if I was just like wow we can go there right now for super cheap obviously we go who were you kidding we couldn't go even though in our minds we thought we could but it's happening it's something that we are really, really excited about doing together, not only because, you know, we talked about it years and years ago, but also because we get to go with all of you. And it's an opportunity that

we never thought we would have. And we are so happy to be here. And Ian would be happy and is happy about it as well. To be honest, I think that's pretty much all I can kind of like muster right now. as far as talking about Ian and of course he's going to be ever present in my life. I will probably talk about him in the present tense many times. I still do. He is just forever going to be a part of everything I do. And kind of just to end this ode to Ian, I have two requests of everyone. First, and most importantly, is to whatever you're doing today, just take a moment to text or

call someone that you love because it does and it doesn't matter what you say you could just be like hi thinking of you or like say like remember when at like you bring up a fun memory or something to make that person laugh whatever it literally doesn't matter what it is but ian was so good at that he was so good at always letting everyone in his life know that he loved them and was thinking about them it didn't matter if he talked to you last week or last year he would always take the time to reach out to people he loved. So I think it's something we could all be better at. It kind of gets lost in the day-to-day routines and motions of life. So just take a moment to do that today. And lastly, let's please all raise a glass literally or figuratively that you don't have to be

drinking right now. I know Cassie and I are. But no matter if you're listening to this, you know, while you're having a drink, whether you're on your morning commute, doesn't matter if it's just in your mind. Please raise a glass to Ian. Aspiring rock star, want to be comedian, light and love of my life. I, along with all of the National Park After Dark community, owe so much to Ian, and we will keep him with us always. Keep watching our backs, babe. We love you. Cheers. Cheers. All right, boys, you ready? One, two, three, go. Thank you for joining us again this week. If you have a trail,

tale you'd like to share, send us an email at NPAD Stories at gmail.com. Follow us on Instagram and Facebook at National Park After Dark and on Twitter at NPAD podcast. Become an outsider by joining our Patreon where you'll gain access to monthly bonus stories and exclusive content. And remember, when you support our partners, you're supporting our show. To access our special discount codes along with source information from today's episode, check out the show notes. For information on the show, to shop our merch store, sign up for our newsletter and more, visit NPADPodcast.com. And if you're enjoying the show, please rate, review, and subscribe wherever

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