Nerd Poker - A Nerd Poker Christmas Carol - Part 3 of 3

Episode Date: January 7, 2025

Our festive millionaire ghost murdering adventure reaches its end, with plenty of violence and class war for all! We will return to our regularly scheduled campaign next week. Thank you for hanging out with us over the holidays! For merch, social media, and more be sure to head to nerdpokerpod.com. And for 3 bonus episodes a month and more, subscribe to our Patreon at patreon.com/nerdpoker  

Hey, it's Brian Postain, nerd poker. We're calling it The Thug Campaign. My friends are here, Chris, Blaine, Ken, Engineer Sam, and of course our kick-ass DM Dan Telfer. Welcome to Nerd Poker. Hey everybody, I'm Brian Pasin. You're listening to Nerd Poker. nerd poker. All my friends are here. It's the third part, part three of our special Christmas or our Christmas special that we're calling a nerd poker Christmas Carol. And a bunch of shit has gone down. We killed a guy that sounds like Mitch McConnell, but isn't.

a guy that sounds like Mitch McConnell, but isn't in no way is it. And we're just having fun. My friends are here. Hello, Dan. Hi, Brian, it's me, the guy who said you could kill a turtle. You have Ken's here. Hey there, Brian, how do you do today? Really good.

Blaine is here. Good. Hey there, Brian. Did can do this bit. Yeah. And Chris, you don't have to do that if you don't want to. Brian, I'm going to time travel in time and tell Ken about a bit. Sam, how are you? Hello, musical children. Nice. I see that you are the left hand side.

I see us musical youth. He he. Same different spelling. Dan, you want to thank some people? I will thank people in particular. I will thank the people who keep this podcast going, our Patreon supporters. If you're on the top two tiers at Patreon.com slash nerd poker, you can get a shout out on the podcast.

Folks on those tiers have usernames like Glibbles is proud level one improv teacher. Thank you. Glibbles is proud level improv. Once I remember. Thank you, Scott Dyer. Thank you, Zach Clark. Thank you, Ben. Thank you, Scott Dyer. Thank you, Zach Clark. Thank you, Ben. Thank you, Dr. Poo Poo Popper.

Thank you, Immortan Gerb. Thank you, Drew Hugh Uid fan. Thanks, Reverend Yorick. Thanks, Sean McCoy. Thanks, Dill Lee Lee. Two ladies. He he he. Nice.

Thank you, teachers talking teaching. Thank you. Teachers talking teaching. Thank you. Nine LK. Thank you. The random or thank you. I'd like to cut off your jib. Thank you. Thank you. Kelsey Roth. Well, what?

Nothing. But debate the logic of that one. It's complicated. There's more. Thank you, Kelsey Roth. Thank you for nice guys, a girl and a pizza place called Paladinos. Thank you. Hit it and quit itch.

And finally, thank you. Thirty six, twenty four, thirty eight. Only if she's five, three and has two fingers up her ass. Blaine, who are those supporters brought to us by? Supporters brought to us by Asscrafters. Quality Ass in about an hour. Asscrafters. And scrawny paper towels! Oh, they don't wipe up anything!

Oh no! Why'd you spill a whole soda? Oh no! I'm not going to be able to absorb what. Oh, God, no, he's selected a size. Oh, scrawny paper towels. Dan, thanks, Blaine, for reenacting that deleted scene from Wicked, part one. And now time to talk about what happened last time on Nerd Poker's Christmas Carol. Yeah, you guys nuked the Mitch McConnell ghost Mitch McTortle. And he is now a splatter of ectoplasm out

in the snow. Whilst you stand in his rent a cabin, a pile of gifts having had their magical auras wiped clean, you are now pondering what to do with them. Somewhere in the other rent-a-cabins are two other semi-formed ghost people who have it out for Willy Crackets and his group of merry murderers. Let's just get right into it. You are in this little cabin over on roll 20, the far left cabin. How would you like to proceed?

Let's work through the gifts. I couldn't hear you cut out a little bit for me, Ken. Well, Robin, the gifts. Rummage through the gifts. Yes, it is, but I heard rummage through the gifts. Well, it's not But I heard rummage through the gifts. Bromwich, the only good. Could I help check for traps as we run? Let's let's get an investigation rummaging check. It's actually who wants to rummage.

Actually, JIFTS. Oh. Investigation, you say? Investigation. That is a 15. Sorry. I got a one minus one. I think you're building a trap. Oh,

you're zero. I rolled a zero. Yeah, you know, you don't need me. You don't find any traps, Willie, but Mario, you try to rifle through them and you just sort of like hungrily wipe your hand across the wooden floorboards and get a massive splinter and take one point of piercing damage. Hi, you know.

These these boxes you open the it looks like six boxes. They all have foreign currency in them. There it looks like what might be thousands of gold worth of foreign currency. You'll have to get them exchanged somewhere. But this is clearly money that was donated to Mitch McTortle's wife and used it, you know, probably through, you know, some complicated series of donations and tax shelters. But when you say foreign currency, what do you mean?

Like like giant kingdoms who don't use the same type of of of gold, like different different kingdoms got it. Different kingdoms, the amount of precious metals they use in the coin is different. So they're worth a different amount. And yeah, like there's there's a couple of giant coins in there. You've got some weird splinter shaped coins that you believe are made by nulls. There's a lot of stuff in here that you're going to have to take somewhere to get turned into usable currency.

Cool. Well, very good. It's it's like a fun present to figure out where the money comes from, right? It's like most present. Everyone can roll an insight check to see if they can figure out how much gold this is worth. All right. I'm going to do that. Oh, God.

13 minus three. I got a four. I got a must be 16 plus 622. That's better than four. I got a six. I got 10. All right. Willie Crackett's I'll put it in the chat, but you believe this counts for seven thousand three hundred and fifty four gold.

Wow. Three hundred and fifty four. So I'll be like, guys, this comes out to about 200 gold apiece. Wow. And so I went up. Oh, yeah. Yeah, whatever. We can we can split it all up later, but. Sure.

Can everyone roll a perception check? 15 plus 116. 24. 16. 24. I heard 16, a seven and a 28, sorry. 24 seconds. 24. Oh, lovely. Well, OK, Joffrey, Willie. The other two guys are too obsessed with their new piles of coins,

but you hear crunching in the snow and suspect that all of the explosions have drawn some attention. Oh. Country would tell them. I look at Jeffrey and kind of his. Someone's coming. John, there's no this is just saying. But no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no You could try. Probably wouldn't go great. You lay a finger side of your nose. Twinkle your nose. Yeah. Why don't we go to the unbroken window where it's like the three into the south? OK, can we great play the unbroken window?

You believe during the fight that you saw magical aura on the window, but there is no longer one. And you believe you can quickly pop them open. You glance. Sort of side to side and don't see anything. So, you know, no immediate sign of anyone outside. Do you open the windows?

Maybe you could. Yeah, could I quietly open one of them? Yes. Do a stealth check, please. Still check. All right. Do you see a young boy on his way to a butcher shop? A boy is with a goose. A 28 on that stealth. All right.

You think you've absolutely silently opened the window and wait for your friends to climb through it with you. Great. Let's get out of here. And you see a boy with with a with a goose. He says, I'm taking this to my goodly wife. I'm a boy, but I'm married. It's Victorian times. And then he just campers down the mountain.

The end of that little moment. But yes, you are all kind of stealthily now poised in the snow. I will arrange your tokens as such so you can have a Roll20 visual. But you believe somewhere out here nearby. Are the other perpetrators against Willie Crackett's. Oh, yes, those ice

censored one right below us. Jake Mall and Elon Cucks are somewhere out here in the snow. Should we? I like perhaps us being up high. What if we know that we're outside, go up on the roof and use that as a tactical position to spot other people either around the houses or around the courtyard? Yes, sounds good. All right.

This building that's right behind us. Is this another one of the cabins? Yeah, that is another. Yeah, that's another set. She's small. Should we just go in? Well, Dan was just saying that we think the other two ghosts are no longer in the cabins, we think the other two ghosts are now out here.

Led. Well, they're out there. They're looking for they heard the noise. And he just implied that we think the other ghosts are now coming for us. That's why I was saying, if we at least get high, she might be able to see it. Yeah. And, you know, get some cover, maybe. Get ahead of you, man.

You said get high. All right. This Spicoli, flap his feet in his van, start lifting him off the ground. Sky Vans. Is there, I'm going to, I'm gonna jump up onto my shelf and can I see any footsteps that aren't, I'm going to jump up onto my shelf.

And can I see any footsteps that aren't, footprints in the snow that aren't our footprints? Well, first let's clarify some physical action that sounds like may or may not have already occurred. Did you guys all get up on the roof? I would like to climb up there. Yes, please. Yes. Well, everyone else is getting on the roof.

Would you like to build yourself on the roof, Blaine? Yeah, I sort of else is getting on the roof. Would you like to build yourself on the roof plane? Yeah, I sort of just get up on the roof and there's my shelf. Well, then let's have everyone roll a quick stealth check, please, to get up on the roof without making too much noise. And then, yes, I will. I will. I will give without rising a clutter. Exactly. Exactly. Seventeen. I hope that no one comes to see what's a mother.

Nineteen. Samara. What's the matter? Oh, wait a minute to lose. You have an exciting new look. Yeah, I'm using my elf on the shelf eyes. See if I can see any footprints in the snow. All right. What would you get, Brian?

Well, I got an 11. But you see, it was a botchy boo and plus 10. Watch plus. And pretty great. So you guys here allowed clack clang as Spicoli hoist himself on the roof. You do have a moment to get a perception check in Toulouse

as you attempt to survey the area. But you think you're the area. Uh oh. But you think you're drawing attention to yourselves and. Yeah, I rolled a five. Sorry. We had some more. Yeah. 19 plus one. What's that?

Then 20, 20 perception. But when that is moving around. What is happening? 20 perception. But I can't remember. Is moving around. We're. What is happening? Well, what do you think? I am attempting to add a map with. OK, so one second. I see. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And now I see roofs. I see roofs. I see frame. What was that again, Blaine? I'm so sorry. I was a 19 plus one is a 20 for perception. Yeah, you think you see tracks in the snow leading to the north. To the north. Is there a cabin up there?

I know, but that is the side of the house where Mitch McTortle flew out the window, threw himself out the window, I should say. But those aren't his tracks. No, but you see two sets of them. I mean, the obvious thing I am attempting to make obvious is that those are the tracks of the other two that are here to kill Willy Krakens. Okay, and they're leading away? No, they're leading towards the window

where the sound came from, you silly goose. Okay. Is that silly goose still hanging in the window? Okay. Okay. Yeah, you guys are, you know, you think you have maybe a moment, I'm gonna kind of like scoot you up on the roof here. Click click click. But someone's gonna be here.

Oh, you got your you're not on that one. Oh, we're on this one. Yeah. OK. But and I'm going to put some tokens with obvious faces up there. You don't see them yet, but you know, they must be there. Yeah, tracks were headed. Yeah, I think you maybe have a moment. So I'm timer Timer to tackle.

I mean, why don't we like what those of us who can quietly and we can all sneak attack from up here? I like it. So, yeah, I'm going to try and stealth my way across the north, the roof to the north so I can get a line of sight and shoot one of them before they realize we're there. If anybody else wants to join me. Yes. Yeah, I can.

I actually could roll. Oh, yeah. Do we need a stealth roll, Dan? No, because you guys made a really loud noise and that's not going to work. So there's going to be an immediate attack on Willie Crack as he attempts to do this, unfortunately. OK. All right. Then I got to walk across the roof like this crunch, crunch, crunch, crunch, crunch. You absolutely will get to momentarily.

But first, there is going to be a spell attack. You see an arc of electricity fly up over the roof as a levitating wizard appears on the north end of electric bolts going between his hands. And then he says in a very meek nerds voice, you're going to die. So. That is a 24 and a 24 to hit Willie. Now, Dan, I have advantage against being frightened.

Does that help? I mean, I think it helps you, Chris Talman, in case this is an upsetting moment for you as you know. That's that's my character, Chris Talman. I don't think has advantage being frightened. OK. Well, in that case, let's just get right down to the 34 points. Lightning damage for Wham. That's huge. OK.

Yes. And if everyone could please reroll initiative. Right. Twenty. Twenty nine. Twenty five. Well, I'm not ready for any of this information yet, but thank you for your prompt rolling. I just keep saying it over and over. Twenty nine.

How many? Twenty eight. It's just keep saying it over and over. Twenty nine. How many? Twenty eight. It's just sort of a. Twenty nine. Day. And then I. I. Needed number nine.

Eight. Happy New Year, everybody. Look, it's like a. Present. Not at all. Chris, would you get Chris? I got a twenty nine. And I got twenty.

Jesus. Oh, my God, my ADHD wants to stab you in the deck. And what you get ADHD eight in the deck. Brian, would you get 25? Oh, there is. He's just off camera. Your head was gone. All right, Chris, you're up.

All right. He shot me. Kind of fucks things. I'm going. Jake Mall is on the ground roaring. Oh, well, that's good. Please fuck that guy. Elon Cox is levitating about 15 feet off the ground.

I'm going to. I mean, I'm no choice. I got to fire my crossbow at him. OK, straight shot. Twenty boy. That's a hit. Fourteen points of piercing, no sneak attack.

Nobody else is in range, so it's a hit. 14 points of piercing, no sneak attack. Nobody else is in range. So it's just right. I see Blaine up there, but they're not melee, right? Correct. Yeah. OK, so 14 points. And then I'm going to form my movement. Let's see what I got.

I think I have climbing speed because I'm no, it doesn't seem like it. So I'm going to go across the roof heading east one, two, three, four, five. And I'm going to bonus action. There's nowhere to hide really is there? No, you're pretty wide open. The chimney that you slid down is right on the edge of the roof on the Southeast corner and is so on the edge. It's not really got any room to hide behind.

Interesting. All right, well, I don't want to draw fire towards my friend, so maybe I'll just stay where I am and then bonus action. Hi dodge. I'm going to bonus action dodge Dan. You son of a bitch. All right. No, it's actually dodge.

I'm pretty sure it's action. Lincoln mercury. Yeah. Well, you helped me out with what bonus action dodge is going to do for you as a bonus section. I just want to make sure I can pretty sure. Bonus action, Lincoln Mercury. Yeah, will you help me out with what bonus action Dodge is going to do for you as a bonus action? I just want to make sure I can do it. I know as a rogue, I can do dash disengage or hide action. I can't, yeah, there's no dodge.

Dash disengage, did nothing else I can do. So I will, I mean, I'm going to try and hide. Although obviously I'm right there. Well, if you want to try and hide, you can use it even as your bonus action. You just would have to get off the roof. You'd have to make like a. Like hang off the edge, sort of like cling to the underside.

It would be a pretty high stealth DC, but yes. And I mean, I might as well do something. I will bonus action hide on the under swell of the the roof. Great. We're looking for a 20. Sure. 24. All right. Show me where you want to hang off the edge by sliding your token.

One more square to the right. I mean, I guess it'd be right there. I just hanging off the wall. But not like legs down, you know what I mean? More like clinging like a tick. Ha ha. To the. All right. You know what I mean?

Like I'm not trying to present myself as like a dangling. Insert your head into the roof. Yeah, I'm. Yeah. Go ahead. No, describe it for the listeners. No, I'm just trying to make sure you say it. I'm got my hands and probably one hand to one foot firmly, like clung

to the edge of the roof. And then with the other foot at hand, I've got most of my body slung underneath the roof. So I'm basically in the shadow of the. I don't know. I don't know the terminology so well. Yeah, the overhang. Thank you. Yeah. Ryan, you're up. Cool. I'm going to.

Am I within right? Where are they? You're on the far side of the roof right now. You could let's see. You could get closer. He is about 50 feet away from you. So you wouldn't be able to get in melee range of this turn unless you dash. Well, I'm going to shoot a fireball, which is 120 feet. So that'll work. Sure will.

I'll be a spell attack, I believe. A 12 hit. To do to do to do that is a miss, unfortunately. OK. Then I will fire my short bow as a bonus action. OK. 19 or 26. That's a hit. Cool. Yes.

Five points of damage. All right. You smack them right in the thigh with that arrow. His gummy thigh. Yes, his gummies. Dummy thighs. All right. Are you going to stay in that position, Brian?

Ish. You're a close. Yeah, yeah. No. Oh, yeah? Ish. You're a close. Yeah, no. Oh, yeah, I'll I'll have the distance. OK, he's having the distance. And you're up. I'm going to, as Mario always does in the games, use my blowgun. I just remember the first time I played Donkey Kong.

My blowgun. Roll to blow. Oh, my God. 12. That's a miss. Oh, wait, there's right over shoulder. I guess I think you do you. Well, I have mastered the blowgun.

No, it doesn't. It doesn't. It doesn't mean to get advantage. It just means you get like a proficiency bonus or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I get a bonus and I got some other shit. We're not going to talk about that. Mastered the.

Yeah, go master the blowgun off the air, please. Blaine you're up. He's mastered the blowgun off the air, please. Blaine, you're up. He's mastered the blowgun. I'm going to I'm going to use my shelf like a little surfboard. I'm going to ride it down to the the edge of the of the roof. OK. And then I'm going to use a scorching ray. Oh, a spell attack. Oh, a spell attack.

That's a spell attack. But can I just jump on him and throw him at the. Like in the Mario game, the turtle. I mean, oh, yeah. If you get closer, I'll allow it. Yeah, this. Yeah. Throw me like a little book out of your cart.

I create three rays of fire and I hurl them at targets within range. I can hurl them at one target or several. Range spell attack for each ray. If you do both, you're going to just aim all three at Elon. Are they both in range? Yes. I'm going to do two at Elon and one at the the other guy. Jake.

Jake. And I'll save one later for the fat man. All right. That's a 12 plus five is 17 is one. That for you on 14 plus five is 19. Yeah, those are for Elon. Those are both hits. And there's a 20. Yeah, those are for Elon. Those are both hits. And there's a 20.

A natural natural 20 for the for the third guy. Jake, Jake Mulder, Ogre. So please roll the damage for all three and make sure you calculate the crit damage for Jake. Those are two D six. So. Those are 2d6 So It's a five and eight is 14 on the first guy Elon

Mm-hmm, and then Jake is Five is ten ten on Jake Cool so all three of them smash into the two of them. Jake is being hit for the first time. It, you know, burns his boxing shorts off and he's just standing there naked, roaring angrily.

That's weird. Did you see Chris Rock's SNL monologue where he talked about Jake Paul beating up Mike Tyson. It's a 24 year old guy building up, beating up an old black guy. Who's he gonna fight next? Leonard Freeman, Morgan Freeman? Leonard Freeman.

Yeah, I fucking hate that guy, I believe is the quote. I love Leonard Freeman. I hate him like a landlord. I hate him like cocaine hates monogamy. It was fantastic. Yeah, he is a very naturally funny guy. Yes, he is. Glad you got that gig given the salt thrown his way.

So, what will that do if your turn, Blaine? That's it for my turn, yes. I'm just gonna sit back on my shelf and watch. All right, well, first thing you'll watch is Jake Moll going into a flying leap and landing on the roof next to you. Uh-oh. Uh-oh.

First thing he's to do his club. Oh, no, is he going to is he up here to take a shelfy? 1616 hit 16 to hit. I have an armor class of 17. Oh, so it glances off your shell. Yeah, my shelf. I like it. So then he roars loudly. Come to me, my followers.

And you see a swarm of rats fly up the sides. Flying rats. Oh, we call pigeons here, Los Angeles. That I did not say flying. They're simply a swarm of rats. So a bunch of rats fly up and they try to bite at you. Do they scamper? I think actually a group of rats is called a church.

You call it a church of rats. Church of rats is called a church. You call it a church of rats. Rats. For sure. All right, so that's going to be seven points of piercing damage as the rats bite at you, that they crit against you, the rats. OK. Oh, God. I got rat crits.

Sorry, Blaine. That's OK. I'm trying to find a picture of a toilet wrap, but I am unsuccessful. Yeah. Look in Sarah's dream journal. All right. And that is going to do it for Jake mall. Next we have, uh, Elon, who is going to fly over here

and this fucking guy, he's going to unleash a stroke of lightning in a 100 foot long bolt. Can I please get a dexterity saving throw from it? Looks like everybody. As he fires this arc of electricity across the roof, potentially hitting everyone. Christ, I hate them. What is it, Dan?

Saving through a dexterity saving through a DC 15. I got my 16 plus to 18. Dan, am I framed of lightning? No. Twenty five, Dan. 12, so to success success fail from Willie What you got Ken 20 Oh Willie unfortunately, you're gonna be the only one taking this damage

Now I can't really hide from lightning. Can I though Dan? That's that's what I'm wonder cuz remember Under there in the shadows. Yeah, you're. Yeah, unfortunately, it's still going to hit you. I'm making your role for it because you can't just like do a regular stand and dodge. Otherwise would, you know. Well, let's see. Don't hit him much. No, you're you you successfully hit and I should give you something for that.

I'll give you even though you failed, this doesn't hit you. Yeah, you all see this bolt of electricity fly past you. It's not going to hit anyone. More sense, narratively speaking. Yeah, because you're clutching. Yeah. You cause I think that lightning knew I was there. It did, but it missed.

It missed. You're up. Really, crackets. Shedding energy from him. Shoot that lightning. All right. So. Though I'm hidden. Am I able to like from this distance from while hiding, attack Jake? Like, could I fire my bow from my hidden?

You'd have to you'd have to like swing up. I would make you roll an acrobatics check. OK. So I try to. Acrobatics at least balance yourself on the lip of the roof enough to pull a shot of 19. I'll work. OK, so then I'm going to fire him. With my crossbow.

And go, sorry. 17. That is a hit. Great. And because he's in melee with Blaine, I get to have the sneak attack. So it's a total of 19 points. Oh, all right. It just sticks right in this chest. He goes, oh, yeah.

You know, this classic Paul line. Oh, perfect. All right. And then the will have the screen. I'm going to use my movement to get most of the way across and then maybe bonus action dash just to spread out and get his spread out from everybody else on the roof. That's my turn. Cool. Brian, it is your turn for murder.

Holiday. All right. I am. Going to get to find. Oh, let's see, where is he? My clothes are the sort of north end. One's by Blaine, one's further up. OK, I'm going to get Jake. Paul has summoned a swarm of rats.

Jake Mall, excuse me. I'm going to get to the first guy. Or Elon. He's closer, right? Yeah. Oh, no, Elon is actually farther away. Jake jumped past him. OK, so I'm going to go to Jake.

OK. Where is he? Appearance of your token by him. Oh, I am. OK, cool. Yeah, fuck, I'm just trying to find my thing so I can dump it on him. I like to watch you don't. I hit him with chill touch.

All right. I think that's for the book. Let's see. Chill touch. I think it's a deck save. Does that sound 20? Yeah, 20 to hit. Oh, it's a range spell attack. Yeah, that's a hit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, it's a range spell attack.

Yeah, that's a hit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Nice. Cool. Does he chill? He's got to hang out with a hookah. Watch a real 13 chill touch damage. Oh, shit. Jesus. He squeals like a vine user as you hit him.

Touch. Jesus, he squeals like a vine user as you hit him. A touch. It's a very short squeal. Do I have a bonus action or do I have? Let's see. You're a thief, right? Yeah, I can. I think I think you steady attack. His life. Give yourself advantage.

So I will. I will short. I'll know I'm going to dagger him while I'm right there. OK. Dagger, dagger, dagger. There's a 14 hit. Yes, it's a hit. Nice.

As an ogre chitterlord, he has a 12 hide armor AC. Five more damage. God. Nice. So you just stick them right in the ribs. You start to look pretty shitty. Yeah, I'm going to leave it and hurt. You can keep that one.

All right, Ken, you're up once again. Oh, oh, good. Nice on, you want to take it since. Or that's the game for last time, you name for Jake is a little closer. Yeah, Jake, Jake, this time, Jake. OK, go for Jake this time, aim for last time. Are you going to aim for Jake is a little closer? Yeah, Jake, Jake, this time Jake. OK, go for Jake this time. Jake, this time roll to blow Jake. Jesus, how dare you?

Oh, that's a 14. That's a hit, though. Oh, nice. All right. As low as you may have heard. Good. That's three points of damage. He helps us. The blowgun darts smacks into him. He's he's definitely really badly wounded, but that wasn't enough to kill him. All right. Maybe next time.

Blaine, you're. Am I still covered in rats? Yes. I'm going to cast gaseous form on myself. Ooh, okay. And I'm going to. And they plop, plop on the roof. Yeah, they all go, what the, huh? What?

So, and I'm going to, I'm going to rise up into the air of my gaseous form, like, like some carrot soup smell in a Bugs Bunny cartoon. And I'm going to position myself 20 feet above Jake. All right. And are you just going to hold it up there? I think that's all I can really do right now. I can't I can't cast any spells until this one is.

Until I stop this one. And it'll be Jake's turn. Jake is going to swing his club at Spicoli. To eight to hit, I believe that is a miss. Uh-huh. Stupid Jake. You will then send his swarm of rats to jump all over you, Brian. Oh, God. It's just like in real life.

Eleven to hit, that's a miss, right? Yeah. All right. So it's a failure for Jake Moll, both in the game and in life. Up next is Elon Cux. He is going to narrow his eyes trying to find Blaine, doesn't see Blaine. He's going to fly around the side. Get a good look at Ken. Oh, smile, smile, smiley

and begin firing lightning bolts, you know, shoot two lightning bolts at you. You dick. Twenty six and a 14 mile. There is no you should or is it going to kill us? Twenty six and a 14. What's that? Twenty six and a 14. To that's to two attacks, you're saying one is it?

Yes. Yes. All right. That would be 20 points of lightning damage. Then I was checking. You're saying the evil man attacked me. Is that what's happening? No, I don't get that at all. That doesn't make any sense. All right. 20 points. Fine. Great.

OK, good. I guess you want to play your way, Dan. Huh? Yeah. Chris, you're up. Oh, God. I'm attacked in this game now, Dan, because we're I'm on the other side of the roof, like the peak of the roof is between me and everybody else. Peek roof. Yes. I'm assuming Willie being a halfling is not at the moment visible to the necromancer.

He's flying, right, though. So how high up is he? Like, can he see me? He's got a pretty good view of you, unfortunately. Oh, he does. Well, shits, then I'm going to go. One, two, three, four, five to the north. So I have a better,

much hopefully clearer line of sight on the barbarian. OK. And I'm going to fire my crossbow again. And him. Oh, I forget. 16 to hit. That's a hit. Great. And because he's in melee with those guys, I get to my apply sneak attack. So it's a total of 24 points of damage to that guy.

How would you like to see Ilan die? Oh, no, this was against. Oh, Jake, he's dead. The barbarian dead barbarians. Then how would you like to see Jake die? I would just like the the bolt to catch him unawares and knocks him and maybe his body slides. Dan, would you allow it to his body actually slides down and falls into the whatever? The. Is that the.

I always should. Yeah. Have your should. Yeah. Have your tables. Yeah, I falls into a patio table. Very dramatic. Yes, very, very accidental pro wrestling loss. You you hit him with the crossbow bolt and like an unexpected negative comment on YouTube.

It shatters him to the core and he. Flies down and breaks the picnic table in half. His rats go scattering. Blaine and Brian, do you want to attempt to squish the swarm of rats as the opportunity attack run away from you? Yeah, yeah, for sure. Roll a quick melee attack to try to stomp

or swing at the rats. Blaine, actually, your gash has formed 20 feet above the guy who just died, so you don't get to do this. I'm wrong. OK. I was going to. It's a new line. Still alive, right? The line is still alive. It's not your turn yet either. Just as an opportunity. Oh, that's a hit, Brian. How do you want to see the rats die? Anthropomorphic, they all come to life

and start talking about how much they love pasta and cooking. And then I and I killed them like Remy in red tattoo. As they die, they said they should have asked you. All right. I'll suffocate inside a chef's hat. Yeah. Is that your turn, Chris?

Oh, yeah, that was me, man. All right, Brian, you're up. Who's left? Just Elon Cucks floating 10 feet higher than the roof off there to the east. Jake Maul, but I'm still working on this with fireball to cantrip. I forget I haven't had cantrips forever. Do I get to just use them? I can do it.

It's a spell attack. Yeah. Well, that's OK. Maybe fire bolt. Really? Ha, 17. Oh, that is a hit. Roll that higher. Yeah, I'd love to.

Only six. Nice. That's enough. Both these guys were dying. How would you like to see this firebolt kill you on? He just catches on fire while he's floating and just burns quickly, melts like a. Like a candle and his flesh just falls everywhere and then he turns like a charcoal cube and just crawls into a million pieces.

All right. Well, much much like the servers over at X and overtaxed Elon is burned to a crisp. What that's again. Oh, love it. You are now out of combat. Congratulations. You killed the three ghosts that were attempting to come back to life and murder Willie Crackett's off once. Yeah, we went to Christmas.

Mary also really takes the whammy off the innkeeper who you see go outside and worriedly pet his reindeer saying, I'm so sorry, I forgot to scoop your. Oh, no, I did scoop your poop. At least I remember to do that. The three of you all climb down, gather your wits. You think, well, we've got the keys and keeper won't mind if we go ahead and look inside these these other two things. Yeah, you do find there is a book of spells

in Elon's little cabin that you think is probably worth at least 50 gold, but also could be used if you were to try to attune to it to get some sort of bonus to your magic involving lightning. If someone has lightning magic. Mm hmm. And inside Jake's cabin, just a bunch of dead rats. Oh, that smells great.

He was submitting them and eating them just lives in filth. That's all you find in his cabin. That's too bad. Oh, well, well, thanks, everybody. I'll give everybody their 200 gold pieces as promised. I'm going to- You've been kinda screwed. I'm gonna materialize out of gaseous form on my shelf up on the wall and I'm gonna look

at camera and go- Thanks for watching. I'll be watching you. Ew. Thanks for watching. I'll be watching you. You. Oh, oh, oh, oh,

oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,

oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, We made sure we could schedule some episodes over the holidays without actually skipping a week.

Great, great to have you as listeners, and I would love to be your dungeon master. You can go on ahead to Dan Telfer dot com and send me a message about my rights. I can tell you all about them. And yes, and I'm whatever you like. Be my all my dates are brimed same dot com. I've got. Burlington, Vermont.

Well, this week, probably next week, I'm in Denver. And then I've got one at you, Washington. I've got a cruise next month with fucking living color. I can't wait. What Johnny Taylor is doing that with. Wow. That'll be super fun. So Brian Pessine dot com for tour dates and comic books. And I have announcements soon. There'll be a new another book in 2025 that I'm working on.

Can we talk about it? But anyway, always Brian Pessine dot com. And then there's still merch left over from Christmas. Get me up. And then under poker pod slash merch for any nerd poker merch. It's helped it all.

It all helps here. And Nerd Poker. The house. I don't know. Blame. We attribute the success of Save Man Colleen from. For joining us on this. You got walls and a roof. Well- On the next Nerd Poker, Ken gets kicked out of crunch for doing that thing again.

Kenny joined Gold's gym using an ID he stole from that guy at crunch. All this, and Brian crunches his Gold jimmies on an all new Nerd Poker and you get bonus episodes from there and you can also send us anything at P.O. Box 16069 and Sino California 91416. Thanks for listening!