Nerd Poker - Bonus Episode - D&D's The Descent Livestream

Episode Date: June 13, 2019

Hey listeners! We wanted to share the audio of Twitch broadcast at the official Dungeons and Dragons event "The Descent," which was of course hell-themed, and our little story takes place between Season 3's Episodes 14 and 15ish. Plus we've got Engineer Sam Keiffer playing along the whole time as Terry! We played a game on live streaming video! This is of course only the audio, so forgive the sight gags the audio quality that comes with video streaming and the ambient sound of convention attendees.

Hey everybody, I'm Brian Poussin, Comedian, writer, actor, nerd. I've been playing D&D with my friends for a long time. I decided to do a new podcast where we play Dungeons & Dragons in my very own dining room. With my wife, kid, and my noisy dogs. So meet my friends Sarah, Kev, Dan, Clay, Chris. Now it's time for another episode of Brian Pussain's Nerd Poker. Season three. Oh, hello there.

Oh, hi. Hi. What's up? Welcome to Nerd Poker here at the D&D Descent live event. I will be your Dungeon Master, Dan Telfer. And this is, of course, the namesake of the podcast, Brian Posehn. I'm Brian Posehn of Brian Posehn's Nerd Poker and other things. All my friends are here.

Hi, I'm Chris. And Chris. Sam. The end of the table, me. Sam Kiefer is going to be sitting in for Blank Capach. I'm Chris. And Chris? Sam? At the end of the table, me. Yay! Sam Kiefer is going to be sitting in for Blaine Kepach. Blaine is at home with pneumonia right now. With shaving.

Those of you... Blaine is... Our healers are both sick. Blaine is nonstop pooping right now. Our healers are sick. That's crazy, right? I can finally do physical comedy. Physical bits!

Let's do something healthy. I do physical comedy on my podcast all the time. He does it all the time, yeah. Now I can do it. So, yes, Sam will be... It says Blaine Kepatch on the chyron, which is hilarious to me, but that is Sam Keefer,

longtime engineer of nerd poker. I'll take it. Blaine, you look great. Blaine is probably not watching. He's probably just pooping. Sarah, I believe, is watching at home. Hi, Sarah. Hi, Sarah. Hi, Blaine. For those of you who don't know,

she does not have pneumonia. She had treatment for an unruptured brain aneurysm, which was non-invasive, and she's healing very quickly, but in the interests of her being fully functional back on the podcast and in life as soon as possible. She's allowed to relax. She's gonna hang out and relax. Having berries.

Is she in a tent? Blaine is the one who can summon good berries. So hopefully Blaine will head over at some point. He's gotta get better to heal Sarah. Yeah, exactly. Oh boy. We should play for people that are watching. We should play for people. We can play for people. I will be

very easily distracted during this because all the nerds in the world are behind us. So occasionally you will see and hear people purchasing a variety of things and I will

Oh my god, there's people behind and crazy someone's in dinosaur cosplay too which is great i love physical comedy one more time oh my god uh but yes shall we get down to business yes yeah why not let's do it now uh we're gonna have to speak authoritatively for my short attention span, but we are going to be playing the main campaign characters. Yes. So this means that Brian will be playing Dark Thirstury. Brian, physical take, will be playing Dark Thirstury.

The Gloomstalker Ranger. Yep. Ken, you'll be we've Eric go grab barbarian. I'm tick tock a arcane Archer warforged. And I'm Terry. It's trying to get my kids back. How many do you guys got two kids have three DUIs? Yeah. And they're your real kids. Yep. At least they get more attention than your real kids.

That's right. So we are going to be playing in the timeline. Big swings. In the, it's like episode 12, 13 range. This is going to be a bit of a flashback. So this means I'm not supposed to kill everybody, but I might because that would be fun. Timeline-wise, it will make zero sense if I kill everyone, but who cares?

So, uh, what is this game of love? I believe we are still live, but the light's loose. Um, because I can still see us on the stream, so... I'm having a stroke, you guys. No, Brian, it's okay. It's just the lights. Brian, stroke jokes aren't funny anymore. You guys smell like toast? Oh wait, here it comes, here it comes.

You ready for this? Oh, hello everyone. Welcome to Tech Doesn't Work. So here's what we're gonna be trying to do as I pull a Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark. Are we still going? We are, we are. I'm watching the stream. It's hard to believe, given the fact that we are completely unlit.

But this is going to be hell-themed, so I guess it'll work out thematically, you guys. I also look really good. I'm loving my light green skin tone that I'm discovering I have. This takes place in the city of Bozor. Our party was very interested in trying to get Bozor back on its feet. For those of you who have been listening

to season three of Nerd Poker, these guys liberated the town from a little crime lord named Thagas, a beholder that lived underneath City Hall. And they eventually wanted to sail away and discover more of their character's story. Brian showing off his bald spot. I'm backlighting myself.

Oh, you're backlighting? Oh, okay. He looks angelic that way. Holy Brian. And so these characters, you know, we fast-forwarded a little bit as they left the city of Bozor. But they expressed there was sort of a silly amount of interest in you guys getting Bozor back on its feet. Yes. They had no local government.

And so I thought we would go ahead and rewind a little bit to what happened in the intervening days. Okay. and rewind a little bit to what happened in the intervening days. Oh, okay. Between when you defeated Thagas and picked up Hoshinka from the Temple of Leroux and then sailed off to the North Seas. Okay. All right. So you guys are, you're fresh out of walking around town.

You've discovered, you know, this guy named Jonkel, who's going to shut down Jonkel's Cheese and Nut, his Cheese and Nut shop, so he can be your... Oh! What happened? There's been a murder! Oh, no! I said the magic words.

Jonkel's Cheese and Nut. I'm missing my favorite 20-sided. You are? No. Oh, okay. I did try my favorite 20 sided. You are? No. Oh, okay. I did try to steal it. One of you.

One of you has it. But no, the timer ran out on Brian's darkness spell. So, here we are. And yeah, you guys are going to be just walking around, kind of enjoying how quiet the streets are,

how you're allowed to walk. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,

oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,

oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, kind of enjoying how quiet the streets are, how you're allowed to walk the- Uh-oh! Uh-oh! Five minutes! Yeah, this is gonna be the most, uh, is it lit or is it not episode of live streamed D&D ever. But, uh, yeah, you're walking around and- It's just like Game of Thrones had that lighting problem, right guys?

Yeah! Totally dark, couldn't see what's happening. You know what's happening is- Timely comedy. All the electricity being used by people stealing HBO Now passwords is being sucked out of the studio. You are going to go through that window. You're too big to do pratfalls like that.

You do TV all the time. What is happening? I used to do them a lot, and I started to hurt myself. But we're in a set made out of like foam core. Like you're going to just. When I was in my 20s, I would just throw my dumb body at anything. I hope Joe Manganole chokes you out. No, just in general.

Oh, somebody in the chat is lamenting the fact that I'm not doing my DM voice. Oh, yeah. I'll do it briefly, but only... There's so much ambient noise, I feel like you wouldn't hear anything I'm saying. Or they won't. Yeah, and it makes some of us want to vomit. I can't. Oh, boy. Oh, boy.

Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy.

Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy.

Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy.

Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy.

Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy.

Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy.

Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy.

Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. This is not part of the regular show. Our party is walking amongst the citizens of Bozor

when a familiar face walks up to them. Oh, yeah. Grepus, the town surgeon. Oh, yeah. Who you cast Zone of Truth on and admitted that he had a very unfortunate date. That's right. You tried to get him to run for mayor,

and he was like, I'm a surgeon. I'm honest, but I don't know nothing about no governments. But he said he would help facilitate the election, and so he approaches you. Is there... There's insanity going on. There's a bird behind Ken. What? Let's just play. Okay.

Brian can't handle it. His short-term just being critted against. But, yeah, so you are approached by Krepis. Okay. And he says, there's going to be, you know, a debate from the lead contenders for mayor. We've been working for the last two days to find the people. Then you'd better prepare a speech, Krepis. It's time to win. He goes, oh, no, I'm not. Yes. I'm not going to win the people. Then you'd better prepare a speech crevice. It's time to win. He goes, oh no, I'm not.

Yes. I'm not gonna win the debate. I am in the debate, but I'm not gonna. I really don't want this. Are you trying to tank it? I'm not trying to tank it. I'm a little worried about one of the people running for mayor. A rival? Yes. Who? Well, it's this thing. It's like a brain with a beak and it's got tentacles. It's one of Thogus' guys. His name is Fugglesnut. Winglewang? Winglewang is not his name.

I thought we killed that Fugglesnut. No, he ran out of town while you guys were killing everybody else. You never actually engaged in combat. Keep it PG-13, Brian. Jesus. You named them. I'm just saying your names.

Fugglesnuck. What a fugglesnuck. Which is perfectly G-rated. Oh, but snuggled, not so much. No, it was close. I was just messing with you. The debate's going to take place in in city hall and he says um yeah and you know like there's uh sister briarlock is gonna be running for mayor uh she she she's

gotten very interested in the power vacuum so it's gonna be myself sister briarlock from the temple of larue and fuggle snuck the grill um who can't actually speak in the common tongue even he has to have his uh bodyguard speak for him. Sounds like we don't really have to worry about people voting for him then, right? I don't know. He's kind of been crushing it. Everybody is really kind of into what he is offering to do. You should maybe come to the debate and see what I'm talking about. All right.

So let's not go. All right. Well, this has been Dungeons & Dragons with Brian Poussaint. No, let's go. You head over and there's about 30 townspeople. And they're all starting to gather around. And there's a lot of talk about whether or not this is going to be just like a Horrible mistake or if they should just vote for Fugglesnuck now and get it over with

You seem very concerned. Does he have some sort of magical power over these people? Yeah, why is he? Why is he even? Why don't you do an investigation check and you guys can go through the crowd and figure out. Terry, would you like to roll an investigation check? I don't think we are. You do, by the way, find a very helpful guy named Terry, a human who... Hi, good to see you guys. It seems like at the very least very emotionally drawn to TikTok.

I think we've seen you at the bar. Yeah. I was hoping to bump into you guys, the metal fellas. I like him. Oh! Man. I pat him on the the metal fellas. I like him. Oh! Man. I pat him on the head. Please don't do that.

Oh! Careful with that. Brian, what did you lose? My dice. Okay. Alright, so we're gonna roll the investigation? Okay. Yeah, roll your investigation, you guys.

I don't know where your dice went, Brian. I got a hole four. I need that one. We'll go on a dice sweep. I don't know what you're at. I need that one at some point. Well, you got a two. I won't let you leave without your special dice.

Is that bad? Oh, it's great. Hey, guys. Terry rolled a dice sweep. I don't know what you're at. I need that one at some point. Well, you've got a two. I won't let you leave without your special dice. Oh, it's great. Hey, guys. Terry rolled a two. Did I help? Nah. Call it a day. Sam, people in the chat are saying they really hope that you do a recap despite the fact

that you are playing with everyone. Oh, yeah. You're still a recap. I got a 21. You get my note four. I got a four. Anybody be a 21? 21, I mean, let's be honest.

He did what he needs to do. Great. So you're talking, everybody, first of all, with that 21, you pick up Terry as sort of like a... I've picked you up. It's been fun hanging with you for a bit. You guys, and Hoshink is with you all, so I'll clarify that. You pick, Brian, what do you do? He's looking for his die.

You got it? That could not have look better on camera. Wow. Wow. Let me do that again. Okay. Accidental. Oh, hey, guys.

Nothing weird. Keep your minds out of this. We're just bros being bros. We're just a couple of dudes hanging out playing Dungeons and Dragons. Sometimes accidents happen, and they work out. And we accidentally fall in love. Terry, it's not normally like this. I don't know that I believe you.

Yeah, well, it is, though. See? This one rolls way better. Okay, good. Good. You learn the following TikTok, and you impart it with the party. Something I didn't mean to sound so similar. You tell everyone, yeah, like, Fugglesnug has offered to basically through force and money enslave a bunch of goblins to

come into town and be the police force infrastructure and basically have like a goblin slave army run everything and he's provided proof that he can bring this money in. He had a trade deal with Paxos left over from Thogus's rule and he has promised no curfews, no martial law, all this stuff that Thagas did enforce, no tithing. All we need to do is allow him to run. There was a curfew and martial law? A slave army. There was a curfew and martial law before, Terry. You were so drunk most of the time, you don't remember this. Was it a fight with my wife?

You spent most of your time blowing off steam at the swollen port. I have some issues, sure. She might have an argument here. TikTok, do an insight check. Yes. 15. Is that plus anything? I had the plus. I rolled a 13 and I have a plus 2.

You feel like maybe the reason... Oh wait, insight? I'm sorry, that's a 13. Yeah, you only needed a 10 to figure this out. Terry's trying to figure something out about himself. Terry's taking notes. But, yeah, that's basically what the advantage is. He's saying, like, you know, you don't have to pay the government money. Just let me run this mercenary goblin force that I've enslaved.

Do we want Wigglewax to be in charge? But everyone's worried because the only other people running are uh sister briarlock from the temple of larue who they think is a little pretentious and annoying and uh they just they've never really met her she usually just stays in the temple and crepus who is just way beta just really wimpy every time somebody tries to get him to do a speech, he just kind of goes over his outline of what he thinks would be fair. What if there was a candidate? I don't know.

A king of the sea, perhaps. Someone that the people could get behind. Someone of Bozor that the people could vote for. I mean, they several times come up to Darkthor and... Oh, Darkthor! ...and Halcyon, and they're like, oh, you guys are pretty cool. If you guys would just not leave town

forever and... Well, we can't because of continuity that you've already established. Well, and you have also said on regular episodes, you would not like to be their permanent mayor. You were not looking to put down roots here, necessarily. No, you got high sea adventures

you want to get to. But I feel like it's a boring way to spend the game. Oh, you got high sea adventures you want to get to. But I feel like it's like a boring way to spend the game. Oh, you mean like mayor stuff? Being a mayor? But I have all this great office sim like planned. You guys are going to do infrastructure meetings. Throw the kiss babies and shake hands. Oh my God. How many hit points all the roads have in town? Or you could have to fill them back up with new cobblestone.

It was going to be really exciting. Wow. Doug, if I could make a point, if you won the election, you could then appoint whoever you choose to be in charge. Oh, is that true? Yeah. Terry, it sounds like, checks out with Terry. Do an insight check. Terry's got some legal issues that would prevent him from being mayor.

You don't know. Maybe it's an idea you had, though. And your connection to this debate that's about to start is Crepus, a very weak-willed person. Right. Not weak-willed, but you would think go along with a plan like that if you suggested it to him. But you don't know whether or not the rule state being elected lets you pass the power on to somebody. How else will we find that out? I don't know.

I'm trying to figure out a way we can chop a monster. Shall we cut to the actual speech? Yeah! Yeah, that sounds good. So, now, Darkthor, you could, of course, just, you know, intervene at some point during the speech. You guys can, you know, create a scene if you want to. Fingernails down the chalkboard. I want to make it clear.

I feel like there's a little bit of, like, fun anti-establishment scheming going on amongst you guys. All right. But I wasn't expecting it. I just want to encourage what sounds like delicious anarchy to me. But there's three sort of podium type wooden structures on a little platform. Feels very, you know,

formal for Bozor, but they didn't know what to do. So just kind of like crates with like a nice sheet thrown over them or a table blanket. Is there any booze around or like a jug? I try and make sure that I get one and I hand one to Hal Seed because I feel like if anybody's going to be making an impassioned, drunken speech,

it would be Hal Seed. Okay. Yeah, Vux has got a beer cart. Cool, yeah. So I will get a couple of jugs and give her one and go, we might need you. She nods and starts on her third beer go, we might need you. She nods and starts on her third beer pretty quickly. Oh, good.

And the speeches start first. You get Sister Briarlock from the... Oh, God. Brian, your babysitter's here. Someone recognize Brian's famous. D&D! Sister Briarlock. You scared the bat guy.

That was funny. The speech is mostly along the lines of I want to bring magic to this town. I will invite fairy folk and fae and other druids to sort of help run the city we can magically supply enough simple food and it all sounds like boring vegan stuff sister briarlock okay that's basically her plan okay uh crepus uh when it's his turn no so it's gonna open up for a town hall debate in a moment. And but you have a quick. No, but when she does hers, let's clap real loud.

Oh, OK. Way to go. Do a performance check. Do a performance check. And tell me. So you're trying to make it like she's your favorite candidate. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. What'd you get, Brian? That's both bad.

Oh. So it's a half-assed performance. 11. Awesome. Yeah, 11. Six minutes to have a performance. I got an 18th advantage. Oh, I have a three bonus to my...

Performance? Yeah, performance. 11. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's not bad. A couple other people are like, all right, yeah. Oh, that woman should be in charge. She's not at all boring.

Some good points. Great points. But you do notice, like, nobody was automatically going to applaud. Like, it was kind of like, ooh. And then, yeah, Krepis goes over his list of how he believes it would be fair to treat everyone. And he describes in detail the benefits of free health care uh that would be provided not just by him but by a series of interns that he would hire uh he goes over uh who in town he thinks would be good at being a farmer if they wanted to start being one and he goes over

the process of thawing the poisonous magic ice uh which everyone kind of already knew but he'd like tries to play like oh here's he's gonna get rid, here's... He's going to get rid of it. That's, yeah, he's going to get rid of it so people stop dying of ice poisoning because this stuff is toxic and corrupted. I approve. And he finishes his speech. So are you going to applaud for him? Oh, yeah. Way even higher.

Okay, let's do another performance check. There we go. Damn it. Oh. Pair of twos? Is that... Terry, are you joining in? Are you helping at all? I've always been helping. All right, well, you got a role to do a performance.

Another two to throw. Oh, that's it. I got a 16. Okay, okay. So this time a couple more people. All right. All right. And then it's Fugglesnuck's turn. Fugglesnuck is a giant sort of sofa chair sized brain with a large bird beak. No eyes. It's not a bird. I know. I'm off. I'm out. But a beak.

He was trying to fake you out with that beak. It sort of floats there in silence for a second. And then it's bodyguard walks up. You recognize this bodyguard as Kekul, the orc from Thagas's army, who you paid a fair bit of gold to skip town. Yeah, ten gold. You broke your word. Didn't we pay him to not walk away too? He looks at you for a second and goes,

Oh, okay. But then he explains to the audience, Fugglesnooks not speak. He no have mouth that work. He speaks to me. One second please. Boo! And Fugglesnook puts a tentacle

Boo! On Kugglesnook puts a tentacle Boo! on Kekul's shoulder and for Boo! for little stretches, Fugglesnook goes like, Boo! Boo! and it is translated by Kekul, who is being

telepathically communicated to via this tentacle, and Kekul says, I Fugggle snuck promise an army of 250 goblins who i have had under indentured servitude trying to keep wildlife from entering bozor for the past six years these loyal subjects will keep any crime from happening in bozor also there will be more trade from Poxus, and all that other stuff I tried to tell you before about curfews not happening. Boo!

The people of Bozoar want a man who speaks for itself! No thank you. All right, all you guys do a persuasion check. Because as soon as he finishes, people are trying to like... Persuasion? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Nope. Two. 19. is people are trying to like... Persuasion? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Nope.

Two. 19. Really? Yes. Oh. 12. All right, so... We heard talk of a pool hall. I want to tell you, too, this debate, by the way,

this is via... We don't want your goblin army. Via text message, Blank and Patch wants to tell us who this this debate, by the way, this is via text message. Blaine Kipach wants to tell us who this debate was brought to us by. What's this debate brought to us by? This debate is brought to us by cigaretteables, edible cigarettes, and diet cigaretteables. Pop the carton and get starting. Warning, cigaretteables may cause lung cancer and death. Oh, wow.

All right. Thanks. That's one of our sponsors. Also, this live stream is brought to us by the new Toyota Pre... No, I'm sorry. This one is too dirty for me to say out loud. That happens.

Sorry. You've got to listen to our regular podcast where we say whatever the crap we want. Blaine does want us to know who's playing at paladino's this weekend though who's playing at paladino's this weekend jaleel okwai the urkel tribute band yay and boo oh boy all right so uh yeah what'd you roll on your persuasion checks? Two. Two? I got 19. Oh! 19 and a 12.

Okay, so a few people do kind of, like, start to go like they're gonna applaud, and they're like, eh. Wasn't that monster already trying to hurt the people of Bozor? Why would we choose it again? At this point... I don't trust this spokesperson. Sister Briarlock senses the unease in the crowd, and she raises a hand and says... She's gonna herald hill it.

I can assure you if there are any of you who are still considering voting for me that I will protect this town. For when those monsters were slain in the city courtyard, I collected the demon ichor that they left on the ground. And I have used it

to get in touch with another plane. What? What? And via my connections to this other plane, I believe I can secure the same sort of, let's just call it strong-arm security that Fugglesnucht can provide. Sort of buried the lead with that one.

Halcyon does not like this. She's shaking her head going, no, no, that does not sound good. That doesn't sound good to Darkthor either. Does Darkthor know well, reception? Do I have any sort of insight on this? You do an insight roll, yeah.

Yeah. Oh! He just rolled a natural 20. 23 would be my insight. Beautiful. So, yeah, you feel like she's out Oh, he just rolled a natural 20. 23 would be my insight. Beautiful. So, yeah, you feel like she's out of her league for sure. You know, she's like. And that this could end badly if she releases demons.

But kind of want her to do it, though. I mean, dark. For the show? For the viewers? What you do in Tuit. There's a monitor on the floor that we can look at if we... Oh, my God. Yeah. I have it pulled up on my laptop, too, so I can tell if it cuts out or if the lights are off, if it's still broadcasting.

So, yeah. And you figure out, yeah, she's like out of her... Like, she worships this unicorn goddess. And now she's talking about communing with another plane for security, that doesn't sound good. So you figure like maybe you should do something. Me personally. Or the group.

And Halcine seems ready to go. She's put down her beer. Halcine, what do you want to do? Talk to her? Let's immediately go figure out what's happening before they even get off the stage. Go. And so she leads you guys up there. And Sister Barlack acknowledges that there are definitely people in the crowd talking.

Like there's a big din of noise. And you hear a lot of things from a lot of people, townspeople with names like Jeremy Perker, Aiden Gervais, Katie Morath, Rumpel Farts, Nathan, Gun Zero, Brett M. Guth, 0. Brett M. Guth. Stacey Dunkerly. Hamlet 423. Fake. Hamlet 421. Hamlet 420 with three fingers up his woo-hoo. His woo-hoo.

You know, the medical term. Thank you. Thank you, Lard O. and Brooke Siegel, all townspeople, a.k.a. Patreon supporters. Thank you. Yeah, no one's completely sold but they're all like oh should we uh she's definitely taking the fugglesnucked approach and as you approach to like fugglesnucked and kekel both just kind of glare at you

okay um but uh sister bry Who's taking the lead on this? Says, oh you, you all. If you like, you can see for yourself the security force that I intend to bring to Bozor. Oh, you think you can bring a small portion of your security force through? Absolutely. Oh really? And perhaps as a way of demonstration we can see how tough they are. She says this very loudly to everyone. Of course, allow

me ladies and gentlemen I will take this brave party to the plane of existence. So we're going there? You're taking us there? Yes. How else will the people of Bozor know that the place I am talking about is truly safe? She takes a pouch off her belt, reaches in, takes something slimy, rubs her hands together, snaps her fingers, and a fissure in space and time opens up on the podium. Crackles with purple energy. She's not concerned that we don't wanna go, right? It pulsates like a membrane.

It does not seem so. And she tells the whole crowd, if you have any doubts, please, may the bravest amongst you step through this gate. I mean, for the people of Bulzor, I feel like we need to. I kinda wanna push her through the gate. Is she coming with? I'll come with.

All right. She walks through the gate. Can we just turn the gate off? I follow her. All right. Yeah, let's go in. You walk through. We go through.

Yeah, this will probably impress my kids. Bye, everybody. I'll go. Wait a minute. I don't think yours. Oh, boy. The gate suddenly snaps closed behind you as you walk through.

And you see you are in a very dark corridor with no ceiling. It is a stone building, and the sky above you looks like swarms of insects raging against each other. You see on the horizon

what looks like giant metal machines shaped like animals smashing into each other. You think you see like a giant steel giraffe butting its head into like a steel rhino, both of them hundreds of feet high. And you just get like a feeling that this is not like a chill place to hang out.

Right. But you're in like a stone courtyard with high walls. Okay. And at the end of this room, there is a small stone altar. Okay. And Sister Briarlock says,

simply approach the altar and you will meet the power that I have been in connection with. You guys look around and uh-oh, Halcine and Dr. Uwe didn't make it through the portal with you. Oh. Whoops- uh-oh how seen a doctor uid didn't make it through the portal with you whoops a doodle no healers okay so and you said are they just because they're not here but terry made it through yeah it is because they're not here i'm here to help so you got terry you said the immediate vibe is i can't hoshinka made it through i'm gonna play hot shakespeare she's not a healer is she though

oh i don't remember yeah she's an assassin and you said the immediate vibe is this is not a chill place right no not at all this is this is way more really awful than anything uh terry's ever seen yeah terry has never even seen a monster the grossest thing you've ever seen is animals yeah yeah you're in birkin you're in fantasy birkenstocks flop some chubby shorts you see a chubby guy yeah can we get any sort of impression of where we are uh sure do it do uh we'll call this an insight check all right a lot of insight checks flag you bought them from fourth of july A lot of insight checks.

You bought them from 4th of July and then you wear them all year round. You know exactly who Terry is. Great. One long fingernail. You don't know. It feels like probably one of the worst planes of existence to you.

That was a terrible roll. I boxed everybody. Wow. So that's all right. Are these all single digit roles? Terry will tell us where we are. Terry got a seven. You guys think you're in Florida? Wow.

That's the best guess. And you look for Terry. Terry got the highest. All right. By the humidity, this is definitely this has got to be some kind of Fort Lauderdale scenario. Something. My thighs are just, like, plastered to each other.

And yeah, so there's Sister Byerlock gestures. Although you notice something with that role, like, something's not right about her, for sure. About her? No. You already don't like that she closed the gate behind you so fast. Nobody has detect evil, right? No. Uh... Yeah, you already don't like that she closed the gate behind you so fast. Nobody has detect evil, right? No. Well, I don't.

Nope. Dr. Ruud does. Terry, can you do anything? No, Dr. Ruud. Terry, Terry, Terry believes he can. Terry might have one spell deep inside him, but it might take a very special kind of roll for him to find that out. Okay. Terry would like to find that out okay terry

would like to attempt that all right do an arcana check you gotta roll a crit so roll that high roll what you got it you roll a 20 oh okay great what a crit with an r is it a six no terry that's not a big six terry takes two steps back but you, for a second, kind of brace yourself, Terry, and you search deep within your mind for some higher power or connection to the magical places beyond your dreams.

All you sort of get is the noise of people stomping around. Do you have any weapons on you, Terry? Yeah, yeah. Also, in addition to his stroke, yeah, he... No. Also, in addition to... I forgot my wallet, too. The stroke joke's less funny these days.

Oh, what? I'm not gonna blood test. Is that not funny? No, I'm just being a dick. I'm gonna give... I have two daggers. I have a regular dagger and a curved dagger. I'm gonna give them both to Terry, so he's got a couple things in his hands to fight

with. Terry says, thank you, and please don't tell my parole officer. Terry, are you enjoying the loud bird noises just happening in the background terry perks up pretty standard game of dandy yeah yeah yeah yeah what happens is going on behind us oh boy It's like Mavis. Yeah. Hey, Mavis. Alright, so you're in Florida.

Yeah. And there's a stone altar ahead. Sister Rhyolach approaches the altar herself and says, very well, if you do not trust it, allow me to show you the power that this altar allows. You're not letting her? I don't think so. Okay. How are you doing the no? Express your no to me in Dungeons & Dragons

terms. Can you shut up? Okay, how are you doing the no? Express your no to me in Dungeons & Dragons terms. Nobody has hold person, huh? No, we don't really have any spells. I don't have any spells. Except possibly one spell deep inside this magical boy. I think this is going to be find acid secret spell. I think that's going to be find Ashen. That's going to be Terry's spell. Terry's is called Lift.

So should we put our minis out? Let's put our minis out. Sure. Ooh, Terry, what are you represented by? It's like absent. That's the limits of my mic. You guys are going to have come from a portal here. It's great TV, huh?

Play it to the camera, Dan. Terry is being represented by this familiar piece. Hoshinka. That's cool. That's the portal in it. Look at it. Ooh, that's the portal? It's really neat. That's the portal?

We'll be right here. And what are you trying to do to stop her? Attack her? Are we really attacking her? Moshinka says, I do have a longbow if you want me to fire my longbow. I feel like we have.

Do we need to open it? What? Yeah, then we kill whatever comes through, and then we demonstrate how powerful we are to the people of Bozer. I felt like we didn't even want to see what she had to show us. I feel like if we kill her, we can't get back, though, right? I thought we could just step through the portal without her. I thought he said he closed it.

Oh, they closed. Did she close the portal? That's why. Okay. Like, we need her to get home. I think. So maybe not kill her? What do you guys think?

All in. Let us know in the comments. Yes, no, don't. He's nodding. Don't kill her. People in the chat are really excited about having to look at my butt. They are really, really super into the giant purple cloth I made them stare at for an interminable Have to, get to.

Thanks, D&D. Here's what they say in the chat. Kill her. Definitely kill her. Kill. So we should kill her. Everybody roll for initiative. All right.

Zero that one. I don't think you get any bonuses, so that's- I bet not. You have 14. That's pretty good. 14. That's good. 21.

What you got, that's 14 that's good uh 21. what you got ken 19. i got a 19 also wow what'd you get terry 14. sweet why do you oh you get it because i got a bonus i thought you were just actively cheating i was like is that a thing well i look at my phone and then i said 100. yeah that's cool right Is that a thing? I look at my phone and then I say at 100. Yeah, that's cool, right? All right. So up first we have Brian. What you gonna do?

You got a longbow you can fire an arrow. Can you summon a dolphin to talk to her dog? I'm gonna I'm gonna throw a fairy fire on her. Okay. To light her up so we can all shoot her. Because it's dark in here, right? It's pretty well lit by the flaming red sky. But it is going to help, of course, for you to do fairy fire because that will mean everyone will have advantage on hits against her. Yeah.

She will radiate a soft glow. All right. As you do this, fire! That is the glow. Yep. That's how you scream it? I want to see the fairy fire. Do you feel it?

Fire! All right. Great. When you cast fairy fire on her, she begins to transform. A giant wheel made of steel and spikes begins to spin beneath her feet as she is elevated off the ground

by bright orange plasma, and she begins to twirl her staff, which also begins to light up in flame as well. So here's Sister Briarlock. Doctor, what did you do? You prick. I got the show going. What is that?

The action sequence. That's crazy. It's like Cirque du Soleil. And are you gonna move on her? Do I get an attack too? You use your action to cast Faerie Fire. You get a move on her? Do I get an attack too? You use your action to cast fairy fire. You now can advance or... Yeah, I would advance still.

Okay, go for it. You can go 30 feet. Scoot back a little bit. That's a little much. For drama, I'm using the full map okay chris you're up uh what's tick tock doing how'd she get that far away from us she walked all the way to the altar oh okay i'm giving her that she was about to do an action but when you yelled no not knowing what she's gonna do it all the way up there i'll sort of mirror dark strip in the opposite direction to kind of spread out.

So there ish, kind of, probably. And then I will fire an arrow at her. Great. Roll to attack. Rolling to attack with my bow. Ooh, now that's, oh, thank God. That was a two. It looked like a one.

So it's a total of a 10. That is a miss. Dan, I think you're doing it wrong. Oh no. Should we start over? So it's a total of a 10. That is a miss. Dan, I think you're doing it wrong. Oh, no. Should we start over? We should start over. So I went to Paris, France.

All right. That'll take us to Ken. I'm going to fire a crossbow. I wish you would. Bolt. Seven. Seven to hit. You guys are rolling on your attacks. That is a miss. It's one of the things happen. Thanks.

All right. Up next, we have her. She is going to advance on Darthur and produce a steel trumpet-like device covered in spikes from her back. Put it to her mouth and spew flame at you. What? Oh my god. It's gonna be a dexterity

saving throw for Darkthur. Darkthur, please roll a dex saving throw. Remember I'm wearing my amulet of survival also. This weapon is called the Fail Trombone. Oh. Oh, that's good. Stairty saving throw.

Oh. Plus five. Six. 24. You made the saving throw. So she blasts this 15 foot cone of flame at you and you rolled it aside. You only take three points of damage. Does anyone need pencils? I got some.

As always, I am prepared for the stoners and I have a bag full of pencils. Hey, what? You know, because you guys like to have pet rocks. There you go, nerds. Oh, look at the pencils. They call us rockers, Dan. Three. You took half. Rube.

Terry, you're up. Oh, Terry says, I've been looking for a way to show you guys how serious I am, but these are prescription shoes. So I can't really get involved so he takes just a step back. Oh, those are orthotics? He takes a step back? Yeah, and I'm really not supposed to like get him all

riled up or anything. I'm unable to help. Is your tank top prescription too? The pits are? Yeah. The altar begins to shake. It says top prescription to the pits are the altar begins to shake. This is grab a do right. And a thing begins to happen whether you're aware of it or not. Yeah, some of you have a lower perception right now than others. Sure. But you notice the altar shaking produces a skull with gemstones

lodged in its eyeballs. This, shit. And this guy appears. I want it. Shark. These are. You said shark instead of a bad word. I'm going to turn him around. Shark? I'm bad at being not pretty.

Shark. I know. This is what he looks like. Wow. What the hell? Show the camera now. A lot of new words. I'm just going to leave him like that.

Walking into the camera. Wow. Mother of a mother. So these are the forces she's going to use to destroy to protect the town? Yes. The skull on the altar?

I mean, the skull on the altar is the summon demon? That's the summon demon. Wow. Do a demon huh yeah that's the summon demon huh Wow all right I do a on your do a arcana check okay you've got this cuckoo mm-hmm let's see 13 yeah you know what it is yeah I have no idea what all right brian you're up looks cool uh uh fire an arrow okay at her okay uh so what would be the uh no what my plus would be a strength or to to fire an arrow it's it's your plus to hit for the longboat but you not have it on your sheet

uh oh no i don't i need to do a commercial hey uh one of you guys got blaine's text messages with his commercials or do some of his uh paladinos while I look this up. Blaine saw some other great bands of paladinos on Hip Hop Night. He saw Wu Tang Chung, Cheap Tricky, Bell Biv Devo, Passive Attack. It's an all acoustic band. Uh, he did that. Those are the good ones. That's probably it. Thanks Blaine.

You can tell the last hip hop he references. All right, you you get a plus five to hit on this. Okay. Would you roll? So 13. That is a hit. Roll your damage. Yeah!

Cool. Shoot her in her soul, dog fair. Where's the eight? Do you have an eight? Gold's handy. I have an eight. Yeah, yeah, got it. Hey, eight!

Hey! All right. That's handy. I have an eight. Yeah, yeah, got it. Hey, eight! Hey! All right. That's the most. Yep. She takes eight points of damage. Oh, plus dex. Eight, yeah, so...

Yeah, so it's 12. Okay. So she takes eight... 12 points. Okay. So, uh... I only get one attack, right? Uh-huh.

You should take two. These characters are... I'm gonna go with the... I'm gonna go with the... I'm gonna go with the... I'm gonna go with the... I'm gonna go with the... I'm gonna go with the... I only get one attack, right? Uh-huh. You should take two. These characters that only get one attack.

Yeah, I know. Maybe your DM will let you level up soon. Now? Right in the middle. Sure, the rest of this broadcast will be us leveling up. Get out your hit dice, everybody. It's time to talk about feats and feelings. Boring.

All right, Chris, you're up to talk about feats and feelings. Boring. All right, Chris, you're up. I will continue flanking around. Maybe I'm not sure if I'm what's going on with Skull Guy. Is Skull Guy just sitting there? Yes. It's just a skull? Yes.

Thanks, Brian. A skull with glowing gemstones in its eyes floating a little bit above this altar. I'm going to stay on her. I'll shoot another arrow at her. That I believe is a long go. That's a 23 to hit, Dan.

That's a hit. A total of eight points of damage. You hit her with what would be the most wonderful cinematic way to take out someone like this on a giant wheel of flame?

That she's sitting on a giant wheel of flame? I would hit the wheel just so it starts spinning and it rolls and knocks her into the wall. Okay. Do a... Let's call it just a general strength check. Oh, I'm very strong.

So you nail her with a arrow. That's a 15. She goes flying. Doesn't make it all the way to the wall, but she collapses in flame and explodes in a fireball. That's for Halcine's dream team. Is she dead? Yep. Isn't she our way home team. She dead? Yep.

Isn't she our way home? Wow. Dead? Yeah. Uh-oh. Wow. Well. Did she, okay, let's-

Get comfy, everyone. It's going in my notes. Let's check her body for- It is a guy? Meanwhile, it is Ken's turn to consider the skull that is staring at all of you. Yeah, I will fire another crossbow. Go for it.

She had a staff and all that, right? Yeah. Nope. Yeah. Six. Is there a staff burn up? You can't see from where you are. She's in a flaming wreckage.

I'm running. I rolled very low. Six? Yeah, that's a miss. Yeah. Oh, I got to get this. Ken, let's go over and search her body. First, it's not your turn, unfortunately.

I think your table's ready. First... Hello. You dork. Alright, TikTok. Oh, I gotta get... Hello. So dumb. Hello. So dumb.

TikTok. You are hit with a wall of flame that pierces right through you. I'm hit with it? A wall of flame from a skull. Yeah. A little skull. From behind.

Don't know that I care for that. Do a dexterity saving throw, TikTok. Oh. Okay. Oh, it's a four. Thank goodness. Oh, no. No, no, I haven't added to it.

A Dex saving throw? So it's a total of an eight. Okay. It looked like a one. Yeah, I thought it was a one. I got real nervous. I'm sure an eight's great. Better than a one.

You take 18 points of fire damage. Oh, God. Oof. Oh. Fire damage. Fire. So... Also, it stares at you, Darkthor.

What does? The skull. It turns its head. Do a wisdom saving throw. Hmm. Is there a baby there's either a baby or someone is cosplaying a baby shut that chicken up i believe they prefer to be called kenku brian oh what uh what was i rolling what kind of uh wisdom saving throw please wisdom oh saving uh Saving Thrill, please. Wisdom. Oh, Saving Thrill.

Uh, that is a 16, my friend. Oh! Okay. Uh, you brace yourself and feel something dark and evil shooting through your eyes. You shut them and squint them and grab your face and grit your teeth and it manages to not take over your body, but it was attempting to summon a horrible curse in your body through your eyeballs. Are you okay?

Yeah, I'm fine. I'm going to run to check her body. It's not quite your turn. One more thing this thing does is, rising up out of her body, a pile of organic material and teeth and claw suddenly lurches forward. What is that?

At least it's organic. Brian, you're up. Yuck. What is that? Brian uses his action to yuck. I like how concerned Terry looks. How tall is this? Terry, you just jumped into the deep end of the pool.

It's about five and a half feet tall. It is? Yeah. It's like tentacles and... I'm going around it. You're going around it? Yeah, I still want to get her staff. I want to...

Do an athletics check to get around it without it... Yeah, I'm going over it. I'll run at it and jump over it. Acrobatics check. Yes. Oh, the drow is suddenly an athlete. No, let's do... Yeah, I have the same...

I have the same plus for acrobatics or athletics, so let's see. Yeah, 19. see. Yeah. 19. Nice. Whoa. That's a success. This thing snaps its jaws at you as you go launching over it

towards the pile of what used to be Sister Briarlock, the Mad Max fire breather. Right. So. When I go by the teeth, I go, you missed me. Okay, and what are you gonna do? You're gonna what, go through your body looking for stuff? Yes, I'm looking for the staff.

Okay, roll a investigation check, please. Uh, 16. All right, yeah, you find the staff under some goopy stuff. Cool. People are having fun in the chat, although I just went to the D&D live chat and somebody's really obsessing over whether I know the rules of D&D at all,

which is funny. Rules? Yeah, there's no rules to this game. He's wearing a cape. Rules? I made this up. What are you wearing any rules for? You guys don't think this is based on something other people know about, right?

This is like our little club. This is like our special little game. What do they think you've got wrong? I don't even know. I just glanced across a comment that was like, you can get away with being a player and not the rules, but not a dungeon master. It's like...

So, um, you find the staff. It's pretty easy to spot, but it's under this gunk. You have to, like, kick it out a little bit, and you know if you pick it up, you're gonna get it all over your hands. What, the gunk? The gunk. What's the gunk? It's, like, sticky and black, and

it looks like it... Whatever organic material made up Sister Briarlock, It is either this gunk or the demon thing Investigate the gunker. Yeah investigating roll roll to investigate gunk 13 oh someone did someone they apologize and were talking about me. That is going to be... What are you trying to find out? What it is. It's like...

Is it like... Is it like blob-ish? Is it going to take over my body if I put it on? You think like... Is it like blob-ish? Is it gonna take over my body if I put it on? You think like it is just like leftover demon organic material. Alright. Ew. Yeah. So touching it doesn't seem great.

I'm gonna kick this stuff. Alright. I'm gonna kick it away like little soccer kicks. Okay. You already used your action to search it. But I'll let you like, you could try to kick it like a couple feet away from the blob. If that's what you're just trying to separate it. Yeah. All right, all right.

Just trying to do like a little nudgy nudge. Yeah, do I have to roll or no? No, we'll give you that. But if you want to like launch it full it full on, like, punch it. I'm just trying to get it away from it. Sweet. All right, Sam, you're up. What's Terry doing?

Oh, Terry would love to help. He's ready to get in there. But he says, these are expensive blue blockers I just got. And I'm not supposed to get them scratched. Fantasy blue blockers. So he takes one step back. Wow. I'm on fire.

He's so ready to help, though. Oh, he wants to get in there. So one step back so ready to help though I wants to get in there so one step back where is Terry before he's the green one he's really happy he's really happy to be here now yeah yeah yeah yeah I'm having a blast all right so dark through this monster of a pile of tentacles and teeth is gonna turn on you, and you're, your guy is actually, Yeah, I'm over, yeah. Yeah, you're like over her body, uh, so he's gonna turn on you and try to grab you with its tentacles. So do a dexterity saving throw, please. Sure.

Just a nine. All right. So you are now grappled. And you are going to take 14 points of slashing damage as its tentacles grab into you and it starts chewing on your leg. slashing damage as its tentacles grab into you and it starts chewing on your leg. Listeners usually, because they're listening, they don't get to see the faces I make when things happen to me that disappoint me. Here's one. Fourteen? Yep. Here's my writing down damage face. Hey Brian, can I get a ride to the airport? I went the same way. Yeah. You bought

your Uber app. Load it. Put your credit card in. Chris, you're up. I will. Is the flame stationary? It just sort of appeared out of nowhere. So I'm just trying to get a sense of it. Like, is it is it traveling flame or you're in it right now? I would like to disengage from fire. Okay, this is going to be an athletics check. Do that. Well, I got a nine is my base roll. It's not good.

Oh, it's great, Dan. Uh, let's see. Athletics, you say? Yep. Oh, then it's 14. Okay, you managed to get out and like pat yourself off. Cool. So you're just to the side of it now. Which side of it do you want to be on? The wide side? Is it that proportion? I think I'd probably rather be on the side that I'm already

on. I'd rather be able to have the option between the two monsters. Can I still attack or something? Yes. I can still attack. I will travel towards Goopy, the thing. Will you scoot him towards Goopy? Terry yells, next time I'll get right in there. I'm back. Scooting towards Goopy is my favorite Dead Milkman album.

And so can I shoot an arrow at him? Yes. Now it's a seven this die is very difficult to read uh so that's a 15 to hit that is a hit it is yeah uh i will show your damage please four plus four eight points i'm gonna sing in dnd songs i thought it was They Might Be Giants at first. They're filking. I mean, it's hard to tell who's a bird. In general? Everyone's kind of a bird here.

There's a lot of feathers going on. There's so many birds. If you could be a bird in D&D, would you be a bird? Or do you prefer to see the birds? I acted really angry. Oh, man. Suppose once I got my kids back, I could be a bird or do you prefer to see the birds? I acted really angry. Oh man. I suppose once I got my kids back I could be a bird. Alright.

It would make so many people sad for like two seconds and then be like, oh it's him. It's Bert. So how much damage? That was eight. Great. Alright, so you slam your arrow into it and little knobs of like mutated flesh kind of slough off of it and slide away. Oh god. You don't even see the arrow anymore. It just

disappears inside its fleshy mass. Jesus. I saw a fleshy mass open for Judas Priest. Did it seem like that didn't do any damage? It did. Oh, it did. But it's such a mess and it's terrifying to behold.

That'll bring us to Ken. I'm going to close on the fleshy mass. Okay. Yeah. And I'm going to frenzy. Okay. Yeah. Oh, nice.

Yeah. And am I close enough to melee or crossbow? What do you think? You, from there, will have to crossbow. Yeah, that's a hit. 18... 20. That's a hit. Alright.

9 points of damage. Alright. As you nail it, same thing happens. Just chunks fly off. You lose the arrow visually. What were you going to ask? Since I'm friends with you, I can't close anymore and attack. So it's, you know, for the melee.

But I'll just do next thing. Sarah's just texted. She said she's watching. Hi, Sarah. Hi, Sarah. We're sorry you can't be here, Sarah. I know. We have dice for you though.

So, all of a sudden, this happens. There's more monsters? Wall of flame explodes, Oh, hi. Oh god. Damning you guys. And that beast, so it's just dark sir and slime ball that's going to bring us to terry what are you going to do terry here comes terry with the clutch you know what terry terry realizes that uh this might he wants to go under fire this might do well uh in court uh when it comes time to face his wife

uh diane his ex-wife diane so he'd like to do something but terry forgets what exactly he can do how can terry help terry can reach deep down inside terry would like to reach deep down inside i'm trying to find that spell one magic spell that he would like to do that roll a 20. that he knows. Jerry would like to do that. Roll a 20. Suck it, Debra. Oh, there we go. 10.

It was Diane. Oh yeah. Terry had an affair with Debra. Jerry! Jerry's friend, Debra, really ruined the whole relationship. Diane was his wife and Debra inserted herself. Terry's not getting those kids.

Debra was a cockatoo that he fell in love with at the pet store. Sure. 10. Yeah, just can't quite, can't! You're like, oh! I'll get in there! Maybe!

At this point, Hoshinka finishes a spell that she has been working on, and you just see a giant bolt of lightning smash into the altar. Nice! And it's gonna do probably some damage. Yup. I'm losing dice now.

Yep, that's gonna be a whole bunch of lightning damage to the altar. Yeah. Eat it, stairs. Brian, you're up. That's the lightning damage open for Krokus. Oh. Sir. No!

What am I doing? Um... Um... Attacking. Oh yeah, I'm attacking. So, uh... Yeah, with your sword. Yes.

For killing. Uh... The killing sword. So I just got... Wow. A 20 on the dagger. That's a hit. That's a weird dice roll.

And a 19 on the long sword. So, yeah, so I'll do... Hey, keep it down! Just kidding. The grumpy old dads of D&D. There's D&D over here. And D&D is interrupting my D&D. Eight on that.

Eight on the dagger. All right. Eight piercing damage and then uh let's see oh 1d8 i said keep it down and then uh eight on uh slashing all right eight piercing and eight slashing. All right. So eight piercing and eight slashing. You just dig your swords into this thing. How would you like to completely gut this demon pile? Six years.

That's all right. I dig my, well, so I got my dagger and my long sword. Oh, you scared him. And I just stick it in like that and I go, soup's on. And then I pull it out. And sure enough, it just splatters all over the fire and you guys smell like, just like sauteed,

like demon gut wok. Like fat cells. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do I throw up a little? Do a constitution saving throw to see if you throw up from the smell of barbecue demon gunk. I do not. What'd you roll? A constitution saving throw.

I insist on hearing the number. Okay. 19. Yes, you successfully keep the bile down your throat. Can I do a whoop? Whoop. I'm okay. Whoa.

Oh, boy. I'm okay. I'm cool. Anybody got any water? Not for you. Terry has a Mountain Dew. Of course he has Mountain Dew. A hot Mountain Dew.

It is back there. It's got a sixer. It's dented. You travel with six Mountain Dews at all times? He's extreme. Seems like a lot. Shaka brah. All right, so there is now a, uh, just a pile of former, you know, uh, mage and resuscitated demon.

The staff is still sort of in the gunk. Okay. But that is going to bring us to... Nope. I think it was its turn. So its turn's gone. Chris, you're up. Great.

I'm going to start running towards... To close the distance. Is the skull still at the... Oh, it sure is. It's a skull head? It got hit with a lot of damage from Washington. I think it's sending out the flame walls. Yeah, so I'm going to start charging towards the thing and shoot an arrow. Okay, and I'm gonna if I hit I'm

gonna do an arcane archer. Back him up a little bit. Yeah. That's not good. That's an eight to hit. No, that is not a hit, unfortunately. So I'm going to action surge. I'm gonna burn that and try and go one more time same thing shoot another arrow dang it that's a 13. uh no sorry really hard to hit with physical uh well good thing i action surged it does feel like you're trying to hit this little skull too that's just like hovering over the dust of the altar that That's my move. Cool. That's gonna bring us to Ken. I'm gonna back up Tick Tock. Come in with my crossbow.

And fire crossbow. Roll an attack. Nope. Four. That's a miss. All right. It's going great guys. Do you want to switch on friends reading? I don't like when Dan reaches into his bag.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. He does. I'm friends. He's probably just getting his lunch. First. Wall of flame. Oh man. Right on TikTok.

Do a dexterity saving for TikTok. Who would've thought? Who would've thought? You know, 11, 4. Cheating? No. Checking what he's doing. Oh, man.

I'm going to go with the wall of flame. I'm going to go with the wall of flame. I'm going to go with the wall of flame. I'm going to go with the wall of flame. I'm going to go with the wall of flame. I'm going to go with the wall of flame. Who would've thought? Do a dexterity saving for a tic-tac. Who would've thought? You know, uh, 11 for a... Cheating? No. Checking what he... Dexterity save or dexterity check? Make it up. Save. Dexterity save.

You're trying not to get barbecued. Uh, so that's a 15. Uh, alright, that's a success. Great. So you're gonna take half damage on this. Oh, boy. Damn. Successful half damage.

You take seven points of damage. Oh, boy. You're gonna take six points of damage. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. damage on this. Oh, boy. Successful half damage. You take seven points of damage.

That's the half, or I have that? Total of seven, yes. I have 14. Thank you. And that will take us to Terry. Terry would like to look deep inside of himself. See if he might find a spell. Okay. Roll. What's that? That's a natural 20! Yay! Terry would like to look deep inside of himself, see if he might find a spell. Okay.

Roll. What's that? That's a natural 20! Yeah! Way to go, Terry. A.K.A. a crit. What do you got, Terry? Terry, look behind you!

Ah! Yes! Oh! Yes! Oh my god! This game is the shit. I just said bad words. Sorry, I did too, sorry.

I'm scared. Sorry. I'm scared. Fear brings it out of you. Get away. Go. Let's go. No! That's a set.

Brian, it's not a real one. Brian, I know you're a nerd, but you're stronger than that wall. Brian, you could totally run around and beat him up. Yeah, you could just leave and go beat him up. Let's play the rest of the game where we just see Brian fighting everybody. It's a bird, Terry. Sam loves birds. Coming alive.

You really scattered him. It was funny. Alright, so Terry, you dig deep. Past my Mountain Dews. Alright, you feel the power... I can't still look at this. Oh boy. We'll play. The power of a full 24-pack of Code Red surges through your body, and a portal suddenly reappears. That's more right. No way.

Yes. Just Baja Blast right out of me? I'm not sure exactly what's on the other side of the portal, but what appears to be a Bozor chicken kind of walks out and into the room. Is that code? A Bozor chicken? So I'm the portal? You created a portal.

Right here? By rolling a 20. The farthest away from everybody? Right by where you're... It's not near anybody, that's for sure. Oh, my God. Okay. So, that's going to bring us to Hashinka,

who she is going to attempt to hit the altar with another bolt of lightning. But she needs to move to do it. She's going to scoot. She crosses into the portal and leaves. No, she's not. Thank God. Oh, that's a hit. Yay.

Meh. Even the water is nerdy. I have a very jumpy dice tower today. All right, so she strikes it again and you see chunks of stone fly off. The skull... None of you can see that well.

Darkthor, you think you still see the skull floating there, though. Okay. Now bring us to Darkthor. What are you going to do? I'm... Do I need to close the distance to fire on it? I can fire an arrow from here, right? Yeah.

Oh, you might want to get a little closer, just a little closer. You want to maybe move to the other side of where that figurine is, but yeah. Yeah. So I go there and I fire an arrow. Go for it. Roll to attack. Oh, that is our first physical hit against this thing. So roll for damage. So far only the lightning bolts have done any damage to it.

And remember to double your dice damage. So, 8 plus 4, 12. Okay. So, Smack, you hit it right between the gemstones and its eye sockets, and you hear this booming sound. The skull kind of falls for a second, but all of a sudden, the clouds of insects overhead start to spiral over your location. Oh no.

You mean like, gather? Maybe like in a tornado or, you know, monsoon-like fashion. Oh, that's good. Is the fire still burning? Yes. Did you grab that? You've got another, we've got, like, 20 more minutes to wrap it up. Okay, cool. Did you grab that staff?

He hasn't touched it. He kicked it gingerly with his foot. Grab the staff. Let's go. I'm going gonna go back and get it. All right, we're gonna make this a... How are you trying to grab it? It's covered in sticky demon gunk. Uh... I'm not wearing gloves or gauntlets or anything?

You've got like basic leather gloves, but this is, you know, steaming, sticky, tar-like stuff. Shit, Terry's got work gloves in his truck too. Pull it around! Roll the go check by Terry's truck for work gloves. Absolutely. No. I don't think you've got like mage hand or anything.

No. Could I disguise myself as something with thicker gloves? You can try, but I don't think it'll go that well. No, not the way you want it to. All right. You gonna try and pick it up? I'm just gonna pick it up. All right.

And see what happens. Do a constitution saving throw, please. All right. That's a good sign, right? That's what happens when you normally pick something up. Yeah. Do, do, do, do, uh, 12? Uh, so you feel a very sharp pain go up your arm.

Oh, don't pick up the staff. And it feels like it is trickling, like, up through a vein all the way into your back. Oh, boy. Do you try to hold onto the staff anyway? Nah, I let go of it. All right, you drop it. For a sec. Yeah?

Now I'm gonna kick it over. Awesome. Chris, you're up. I will pick up on what Dark just did. You need to do an athletics check, actually, to try to get out of the wall of fire. You and your walls of flame. So it a dexterity check athletics check athletics which I think I even have better athletics plus five so it's a 15 that get me out of Yep. Cool. You're out. I will copy Darkthru's lead and kick the staff

towards the portal. Cool. Do an athletics check to try to get it a little... It's an 18 plus 5. 23. So it lands about 10 feet in front of the portal. We can figure this out when we get back home, right? Let's just kick it through.

Ken, you're up. I'm going to fly up and shoot over the fire at the... Great. Roll to attack. All right. 20. Nice. What?

Nice. All right, roll your damage. All right. By the way, when you hit it, you see the skull is no longer floating. It is now lying on the altar in a pile of dust. Good. A top dust. 10 points. 10 points? Alright, it kind of spins as you hit it. You go, and it goes like,

and it like lands across the altar. I'm going to have you do a constitution saving throw. All right. Oh, man. 13. So you try to block your eyes, but a fountain of like hot dust smashes into your face. That's fine. That's no problem. And you feel it burn into your eyes and you are blinded. You land on the ground. Do an athletics check to try not to take damage.

Oh boy. I don't think so. 11. Eleven. Uh, nope. You take five more points of damage as you crash blind on the ground. Okay. Uh... Cuckoo bird! Calacalolo. That'll bring us to Terry. Whatcha gonna do? You're right by this portal you made.

Aw. Terry doesn't want to leave his buddies. Uh, there's that staff sitting there. There is also a demonic staff just sitting right by the portal. Tara doesn't want to leave his buddies. There's that staff sitting there. There is also a demonic staff just sitting right by the portal. Can I try and pick it up? Do a constitution saving throw. Is a three good?

You pick it up and... You get knocked back through the portal. Oh! You get knocked back through the portal. Oh! You drop the staff on the ground in the city. You're in the city town hall square. Does it come with me? Yes, but it's on the ground. You're not holding onto it anymore.

That's fine. And you feel something pulsing in your back near your shoulder blades. Incredible pain. That's good. No, that's good. It's courage. It's a healing... I don't know. Hoshinka calls out, We must leave. We have an exit. That's good. No, that's good. It's courage. It's a healing... I don't know.

Hoshinka calls out, we must leave. We have an exit. Let's go. And she darts right next to the portal and she starts waving you guys like, we gotta go.

Like, let's hustle, hustle, hustle. And she is going to try to hit the altar with lightning one more time. Oh, she botches. Oh, no. Thanks a lot. Ha shinka, ha stinka. Easy, man. Oh, sorry. Guys, I was upset. I apologize. Oh, good. She rolls a five. So yeah, yeah, yeah. She just she can't land the spell. It doesn't

summon a bolt. She can't find purchase. You just see a crackle of electricity in the sky above. Brian, you're up. I start jetting for the door. find purchase, you just see a crackle of electricity in the sky above. Brian, you're up. I start jetting for the door. All right, you get to the portal. Oh, God. Ken, you're up. I too am going to leave.

All right, you're going to need to do it. You're going to need to do a perception check to try to get your over here blind bird yeah oh yeah i forgot i'm blind oh yeah like a blind cave bird you know those yeah yeah they don't exist so that's a uh you're like you're like a bat that thing that people say about oh i'll use you managed to make it you make it halfway oh Oh, good. Okay. But you're like stuck. You're. And I'm trying to echolocate my way out. And you're going to. You guys see another. So this wall of flame extinguishes.

Oh. And another one appears here. Come on, man. This wall of flame. This skull. Yeah. He's a real jerk.rian you're up uh i'm gonna help do i see uh my bird friend coming towards me queep yep i'm gonna go guide him okay uh with his help you can

get through the portal you think you're gonna go for it yeah i'm gonna go grab them all right uh so you guys get through the portal all right it's just hosinka and tick tock tick tock what are you gonna do tick tock uh i fall back can i fire an arrow at the skull as i'm retreating okay so that's gonna go roll roll to attack that's natural 20 dude Dan. What? So you're like... What's your bonus to attack? 8. So it'll be a 28 total. Okay. There was an increased difficulty on this because

first of all, you needed a 20 to hit him physically. Second of all, you're shooting through a wall of fire. That's amazing. It looks cool. Roll your damage. Nicely done. John Woo shot it, so a bunch of do yeah that's amazing so it looks cool roll your damage nicely done john wu shot so a bunch of jobs are released through the portal terry goes sweet slow motion plus four so 18. uh you launch this just absolutely wicked instead like sweet and wicked

steve curry like arrow over the wall of flame, and it just arcs right over, and you can't see it land in the skull. You're just trying to aim for memory. Right. And you all of a sudden feel the ground shake, and dark black energy starts just writhing towards the spot behind the flame where the skull once was.

I think I nicked it. That's probably good. Yeah, I think that's a good sign. And you can book it out of the portal. As you do, I'm going to need Terry to roll a check to see if he can close the portal. Come on. Yep. Is it two good?

So you guys all gather around Terry and try and like encourage him to like try harder. You get to roll one more time. Terry, Terry, Terry. Think about your kids. Is 15 good? Yes. That's much better. With great effort and an embarrassing amount of squinting and grunting.

Yeah. You make the portal shrink and then shrink some more. It's some like demon arms and flame kind of like shoots out. Nobody noticed, but he does poop himself a little. We'll notice. Oh, I'm going to roll with with it right in his jean shorts oh no can i perceive that can i see you to see if he pooped no do i notice it roll perception check oh man receive the proof i only got a three it's probably don't have but i tell you i don't know you don't see any evidence but he is he is doing that kind of... I got five. Thirteen.

Yeah, yeah, like he's... He's walking funny. He's walking on his toes a little bit. I'm sorry. You don't see like a stain, but you do see like that kind of John Wick like stagger. So everybody knows? Like he's doing that like... That sucks.

Oh, hey, your kids are here, Terry. These are my good jean shorts, too. He looks like John Wick after getting hit in the head with a car door or something. Your shorts are chubbies. I thought they were chubbies. American flag chubbies. Coming back through the portal. They're jorts. And they were never pants.

Various druids and wizards start arriving from the Temple of Leroux, including Sister Briarlock. And you realize that was not the real Sister Briarlock who was running the campaign. We just killed you. She has been studying for the last week, and since she left you guys to try to figure out how to keep people like you from ruining the familiars in her temple. That could be anyone.

She's talking specifically about TikTok, who gave one of the familiars a name, Gus, in our own adventure. Also, you know, the townspeople are grateful and they're starting to re-examine whether they should elect Fugglesnut. That's good. Sister Briarlock is confused about her

having been running for mayor for the last three days without her knowing about it. Your staff's crazy. Don't pick that thing up. You do feel like the election's going to need a hard reset. They all chase Fugglesnooks and Keckle back out of town. They do? Yeah.

I brought their pennies in case you wanted to fight them, but it didn't end up happening. I want my gold back from Keckner. What's his name? Terry, you feel like something might be growing out of your back. Uh-oh. Oh, no.

I don't have health insurance. And as the next couple of days go by, you start worrying that maybe... Do you tell anything? There's little... Almost feels like wings. Little tiny... Oh, my God. Terry's a bird.

What? Unfortunately, one night before this crew is gonna leave town. Uh huh. You're all getting drunk at the swollen port and you asked to take talk to take a look at your back. Yeah. And tell him that's a three plus two five. You're not sure what's going on but they look like leathery wings. All right. It's like a bat. Tiny tiny little bat wings growing out of Terry's back. Not touching that staff. This is gonna help my court case. Do you guys want to keep the staff? The man bat.

Uh, yeah. I'm gonna say you can keep it in the boat that you guys have in the main campaign. You would carry it instinctively in a leather bag and keep it heavily wrapped. Until we can identify it. But that'll wrap it up, everybody. Yay!

So who's mayor? You left pretty ambiguous. Terry. Terry could run. You're back, mayor. Terry has some legal issues that would prevent him. I want to thank a few more Patreons who have been so awesome to keep us going over the years. Thank you, Trash Ghost.

Thank you, Joe Campbell. Thank you, Justin Montgomery. Thank you, Italian Pillow Fight. thank you justin montgomery thank you italian pillow fight thank you dr wieners dr wieners what md he's my gynecologist uh what thank you slarg and um uh thank you uh smart uh sean gonzalez and Speak Elvish or Die. I love it. Thanks for watching this thing. We're going to mostly go home. I'm going to go host the big music

concert that's happening over on the main stage. So check out the main stream. Let's be honest. Game of Thrones, it's on on demand. You can just watch that. You can watch Game of Thrones. It's fine. This, right? You can just watch that. We watch Game of Thrones. It's fine. This is way more entertaining.

All the nerds are signing a petition to change the ending of our game just now. Oh, my God. We need better writers. We need writers who have no TV experience to fix this extremely expensive production. Do they not buy Terry Flip so fast? Five people have signed it. Oh, wow. Well, one dude signed him three times.

Oh, okay. And that is Powell. Bye, guys. Who's his dog. Thanks for watching. Bye. Thank you. Bye-bye.

Thanks for listening to another episode of Nerd Poker. You can follow us at patreon.com slash nerdpoker, and you get bonus episodes from there. And you can also send us anything at P.O. Box one six zero six nine. Encino, California. Nine one four one six. Thanks for listening.