Nerd Poker - Episode 1 - Amynna

Episode Date: April 26, 2017

The time has come to meet our new heroes: Bodhi, Tom Diretto, and Twee. They have sailed to the mysterious land of Amynna and found a shroud of mist. Will they find their fate without having to first pin it down and punch it to death? Only time will tell. Visit https://www.patreon.com/nerdpoker for more!

Hey, it's Brian Poussaint. I used to have a podcast where I played Dungeons & Dragons with a bunch of my friends. I missed it, so I decided to make a new one. It's called Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker. It's myself, a couple of my buddies, Blank and Patch, Dan Telfer, Ken Daly, an occasional guest or two, and we're gonna be playing in a new setting, my dining room. Each week you'll hear my wife, my son, my dogs, and we're gonna be playing in a place that I love and playing the game that I've loved half my

life, Dungeons & Dragons. We've got 5th edition and we're ready. So are you ready? Here's Brian Possehn's Nerd Poker. Hi. Hey guys. Hi Brian. Thanks for coming to my house. We've played here before. Yeah, no, but I mean, not for a show. We've played with each other's little parts. I think we're calling this Nerd Poker 2.0 or Nerd Poker with Brian Poussaint. Or Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker. Something like that.

Two nerd, two poker. One in the nerd nerd two in the poker you have found this somehow if you're listening to this we try not to publicize the feed for this anywhere so you're in a secret game you're the only one who found it thank you one fan

we're going to be playing fifth edition we've all sort of messed around with it, right? Have you actually played yet? I haven't played, but it looks good. You've read it, and Blaine, you haven't played yet, but you've read the... Yeah, I read it on the toilet this morning.

Nice. Dan Telfer, and myself, Brian Poston. You've heard some amazing new opening that we've played before this. Oh, man. It's going to be so good. It's fire. But Dan is our DM. Hi.

So get us started. All right. Let Dan is our DM. Hi. So get us started. All right. Let's slide into Dan. Oh, first of all, we missed you guys. We did. Yeah. My cancer is in partial remission. All right, you guys.

Let's get down to business. So we have before us three adventurers you have not met before they've only known each other for about a week and they have come looking for fame and fortune uh why don't you introduce yourselves uh hey uh hey hey skinny What's your deal? Oh, hi. Hi, I'm an elf. And my name is Tweed.

Hi, Tweed. Tweed. Tweed will be joined by this rather gross looking fella over here I don't know oh there's two of you, you're both kind of gross looking who should we start with, anyone want to step up to the plate

I don't know who you're talking about I'm not gross looking you must be, what's your name now Bodie that's it, just Bodie don't have a last name I'm not gross looking. You must be... What's your name now? Bodhi. That's it. Just Bodhi.

Don't have a last name. I'm a half-orc barbarian. Gunmetal flesh, I believe? Yes, yeah, yeah. Sexy. It's not black. It's more of a smoky gray gunmetal-y thing. Your skin is a thing. And you, sir?

I'm Tom Doretto. Tom Doretto. I'm a fucking trickster rogue. And I live my life 30 feet at a time. Me too, but I would never say that. No, he's a little more masculine. So our friends here, our new friends and Bodhi, heard that they could make an especially fun chunk of change in this largely abandoned continent called Amina.

Amina used to be populated by dwarves and they fled for mysterious reasons centuries ago. But some human traders have begun colonizing it and wanted to invite all sorts of cultures to come and trade on the shores of Siddha inside the Bay of Siddha. And after Bodhi told you two about it, you two had met through your mutual love of the fey creatures. You, Tom, being a tiefling yourself, and Thuy, you being a bard of the elvish variety. Yeah. Enjoy the fey creatures so you know you tried to commune with them at home to kind of to find some money but it hadn't really paid off in a big way here and then you hear bump into bodhi how did my kickstarter spell work

and uh bodhi invites you on a ship to go to this land of Amina where there's supposedly great fortune and much trading as Doge would say so welcome, you've landed on the shore the dock is very quiet

and no one else seems in a hurry to get off the boat there's a few dozen other travelers off the boat. There's a few dozen other travelers on the boat but they all seem to be tarrying as it were on the boat. They all seem very quiet and none of them are eager to get onto the dock which does not have any sort of welcoming party. There's a sort of gray mist in the air. It's midday but you can't find the sun on the other side of the clouds. Welcome to Amina.

They seem afraid? Almost a little afraid. There was a lot of singing and raucous fighting. There's a lot of bodyguards and warriors on the ship, but everyone went to sleep late last night, and it's almost like they're all hungover and a little more sheepish than they used to be. Hmm.

Are we getting... detecting any sort of weird vibes coming from the actual area? Do we hear birds and wildlife in the distance? Why don't all three of you roll a wisdom check?

Yes. We'll roll under, yeah? Yeah, yeah. All three of you get a real creepy vibe from this place you were all anticipating a creepy vibe but um it's just like that time we went to that hard island it was so spooky does anybody have kind of a a way of you like, detecting evilness or something. Well, Bodhi and Tom, you realize right away that you see tents on the shore

where there should be merchants walking around, but you notice right away there's nobody walking around. Nothing seems abandoned. You think you see some people, but they're not really enthusiastic. They seem kind of glum. And, Tui, you get a magical vibe. You get a sense that something about this land is magical. You're not sure positive or negative, evil or good.

Should the most charismatic of our bunch maybe ask somebody what's going on? What's your charisma? Why don't you let the fans know? I would imagine I'm right in the middle there. I have an 18 charisma. Literally. I have a 10. I also have an 18 charisma.

We got a couple of 18s. You sound like you got a 10 charisma. I look like an orc Roman Reigns that got hit with a shovel so my charisma is Do you guys want to walk down the dock and head towards the tents and see who you bump into? Roman Reigns is a wrestler blame

he's a large fella but he's very handsome but I'm not Everyone roll another wisdom check I wish everybody could have seen But he's very handsome, but I'm not. Everyone roll another wisdom check. I wish everybody could have seen the move-in. I think that was where everything was, was the move-in. We've got one microphone, so we're trying to figure this out.

Hopefully we still sound beautiful. I'm sure you'll tell us. Gotta stop breathing. Yeah. Specifically. Just leave your avatar as an egg. Tell Nerd Poker Pot on Twitter because no one here is going to look at it as much as their personal account. Yeah.

And then we will never be eating Arby's at my house. It's not allowed. You've got that to look forward to. Sorry. Just on the map here. This is Siddha right here. Now, where are we? Are we up here? Right where the word Siddha is, you are where the Y meets the beach. Right here on the...

Yes, sir. Okay, so... So we're at the Y? Yeah. We're at the Y. Okay, so I'm just going to look for parking. Roll wisdom for parking. I want everyone rolling wisdom again.

Something else may be about to happen. Yes. Nope. No. I was cracking wise and I got distracted. Tom. Oh, no, I actually no, I totally made mine. I have an insane modifier for mine. I made mine.

Well, Tui, you were a little distracted for a second So it doesn't happen as directly to you But you're standing near Tom Tom you notice A weird Fluttering noise by your ear Okay

Some kind of a butterfly Or Something that looks like A large black moth Lands on your right shoulder. Is that one of the fae? Do I see it? You don't recognize it as a fae creature, but it looks too big to be a moth.

I will try to talk to it. What do you say? In what language? In the language of the fae? Yeah. In the Sylvan language? He already is talking fae. in the language of the Fae? Yeah. In the Sylvan language? He already is talking Fae.

So let's hear it. What do you say? What is this place? What's happening over here? Do I see this thing land on him? Yes, you do. Do you want to say something else, then? To the fake creature? Or do you want to wait and see how he responds to what is this place?

I'm sort of a little... My eyes get dinner plate-y. I'm just looking at this thing like, what? I have the W and T already dialed, and I'm just waiting to dial the F. Hey, Blaine, what was that break brought to you by? That break was brought to you by filling up on bread.

When you really shouldn't have filled up on bread, fill up on bread! From the makers of I Ate All Three Demet's Turtles. No idea. I missed you. You get them free to pack, the Demet's Turtles. They're a little pecan caramel. Oh, yeah. Those are good.

And you eat one. It's delicious. And you go, I'll have another one. There's a second one in there. That was pretty good. Now you're kind of full. They're very rich. And then you think, well, I better eat this third one because it's just gonna melt in my pocket or in the car i'll forget i had it or i'll

find it in my backpack later it'll have that white stuff on it or there'll be like pecans in my bag and then you eat it and you go i ate all three turtles oh uh tom yeah i forgot to ask you uh before we started playing i asked asked Bodhi, but what skin tone are you? I think you get to pick something from a deep bluish purple to a human-ish flesh color. I think I'm a dark, almost blackish red. We got a couple of dark characters over here.

And then probably the whitest elf alive. Yeah, I'm flecked. I got some flecks going on. I sort I got I sort of got a little bluish tint to my

translucence which is very flattering and becoming and I have some little like a gold flex in my

in my eyes Tom is it weird that I picture you shirtless or or in a wife theater well that's pretty hot shirtless or in a wife beater? That's pretty hot.

So, Tom, you just asked what looks like a large black moth on your shoulder in the Sylvan language. What was it again? What's going on here? What's happening? In this land? Yeah. It says this to you in Sylvan and flutters away. Straight up into the mist.

Would you like to tell your friends who are not in the very whispery earshot of this creature what it said? Heed. Mananan. Despair. What's the second thing mananan oh is that a guy that we're familiar or somebody that we're familiar with I think it means

look out for mananan it means despair I'm guessing Tom and Tweet roll a wisdom check again good I'm going to bust a book out I kind of automatically make wisdom checks I think you, yeah. Yeah, I have a huge perception.

Um, you two both recognize, uh, Mananan as, uh, Do-do-do-do. Mananan. Da-da-da-da. Mananan. Mananan. Da-do-do-do-do. Da-do-do-do-do.

Da-do-do-do-do. Da-do-do-do-do. Uh, Mananan. Da-do-do-do-do. We're the host of your favorite stars. You recognize Manan as a deity. Ah. Listen to Manan. That's about it, though.

It sounds vaguely familiar. You know it's... I'm kind of deity. Are you guys familiar with him? I'm not, so I haven't heard of him. Deity starts with a vowel. You made your... Did you make...

Yeah, you don't recognize it because it's a very specific kind of deity. Gotcha. And I have no knowledge of? You know it's of the lawful neutral variety. It's a powerful nature deity.

So what do I know about Mananon? You know it's not surprising you hear about Manan on the coastlines a lot of coastal creatures worship this a lot of ocean creatures

worship this but you're not exactly sure what powers or how long it's been since Manan Manan Mechalier has manifested itself do we see any more of these moths flying around? although you notice when you look up

the mist is heavy. The one that's blocking out the sun and you can only see about 10 feet above your head before the soupy mist sort of takes over. It's closer to the ground than it is in front of you.

You can see pretty far ahead but you can't see very high up. Wow. That's better. Okay. What was our plan? Did we have... Well, there's lots of tents. It does seem like now that you're closer, there's people milling around of many races.

They seem alert. They don't seem like they're under any kind of spell. There's nothing too strange about them other than it just seems a little sullen here the despair thing doesn't surprise you you feel like these are a bunch of wimps you get a weird a weird sense that all you guys are a little more peppy than everyone else so there's something a little fishy in that respect. Is it the spring at my step? This is the spring at your step, Tweet. You good fella. You little springy boy. Let me turn around

for a second. We just took a selfie. It was really great. There was a little sound effect. See, on the old show we had an engineer, but this one we don't. We're engineering ourselves. Hashtag Westworld. If I could engineer myself, I'd never leave the house.

You'd be at the top of power. Sort of came out. So you were told when you got off the ship that there would be an envoy to greet you. There's no envoy. Not even a dude with a piece of paper that says twee on it? No, although you were almost literally expecting that. I'm going to hit Hudson News

and pee and then I'll meet you guys at the baggage. You see merchants all over the place though, many of which look like they speak the common tongue. And again, nobody seems outright depressed, but everyone seems pretty quiet. Like they were hungover too. Almost like they were on the boat with you from all the partying last night.

Is it a wick from a spell maybe or something? Am I getting a spell? I am getting a spell vibe off these guys. As I get closer to people, do I feel like they're magically burdened with something or is the magic vibe that I got when we landed more of a general thing? As you step off the pier,

it almost feels like the ground itself has the magic vibe and that the people are just like you. So the place is just a bummer. It is just a bummer. It's just a bummer, a weird psychic... Did they just go through something? Is this a reason?

Did you say earlier that we'd been here and it wasn't like this? No, you'd heard of it. You'd never been here before. Does it seem cursed? Would you... Would Tom know specifically?

Like, are you talking a tiefling curse? You're talking... Perception? Yeah, why don't you go... Why don't you give it a shot? Like, are you talking a tiefling curse? You're talking... Perception? Yeah, why don't you go... Why don't you give it a shot? Why don't you see? Roll a perception check.

Perceived. Yeah. It doesn't seem cursed, but you... You start to get the same kind of magic vibe that Tui does, where you feel like, wait a minute, this is not how it should feel to walk. This is not just jet lag. Something's funky.

Yeah. Should we maybe try to get some water or some supplies from somebody, talk to somebody, and then maybe get away from the shoreline before we come out of the water? There's a big tent right

on the shoreline that seems to have basic supplies and there's a couple of humans manning it, kind of tapping their feet impatiently because they're expecting you to buy something from them like I guess most people do. I'll get a t-shirt with a Tweety Bird dressed as a cholo.

I don't do mornings. Talk through the hand. Snuck to Apu. Mickey Mouse with a hey, Ayatollah. He's like, I had that. I had that on a pog slammer. They say, you know, we'll sell

you, you know, a meal for a piece of gold. We'll sell you a meal for a piece of gold. We'll sell you a couple of spare... You want clothes? We've got everything. What do you need? What do we need?

Is there five guys around here? Murder some fries. I've got five guys in my mouth. They notice... I am recording! I'm saving your voice. They do seem to perk up a little bit when you come up to their tent and they confide in you that

they're a little annoyed more people aren't getting off your boat they're like we were told the next boat would have more people on it is it just you? that's kind of a bad vibe yeah something like weird yeah and they're like well you know what happened to the colonists have more people on it. Is it just you? It's kind of a bad vibe.

They're like, well, you know what happened to the colonists, don't you? We do not. We would love to. We know what happened. There's supposed to be a native colonial population of several thousand that came over here on very large boats

about a year ago and they had survived at least one winter we were told but so far we have yet to see anyone but other merchants they're not been able to find any colonists and when did you get here uh we got here about a week ago and we've only been selling other merchants so we we do not have the gold we were promised. This land stinks. It smells terrible at night. A foul smell comes out of the ground when the sun sets, and we have yet to see the sun

through the mist. Huh. So I guess location, location, location is not something you've ever heard of. They do say Location, location, location. Isn't that something you've ever heard? They do say very few warriors or fighters have stepped off a ship. It's been almost entirely merchants. And they suspect that because of how magical this land is, there is exploring and magic.

There's something exciting beyond the hills and the shore, but they're too timid themselves to go exploring. Which way are the paths to the hills and stuff? Well, they suspect the colonists were saying, if you look at your map... I do have an old map, yeah. if you look at your map I do have an old map there's sort of a little

dip right here this is forest the colonists were supposed to be camped right here in the middle of this sort of V shape where I just drew a circle they found no evidence of any colonists

there's ample proof that colonists left so they don't colonists there's ample proof that colonists left so they don't understand why there's not at least like dried out burned campfires no trace at all so they think that's a little fishy but they do say there are many creatures in the woods

that peer out from between the branches at night none of them have approached anyone there have been no casualties but they suspect that there's sentient creatures in the woods. Also, there's a bit of plains before the mountains, either to the north or the south, and there's too many trees to really see the plains, but they know there's a thin amount of trees here and here, and if you were to walk through them, you could see great plains. Perhaps some sort of settlement. Can you pee?

Can you just wait for a second while I finish peeing? You're peeing that whole time? Who's gone the furthest inland? Who's gone the furthest inland? There was one, an entertainer, who grew impatient and was hoping to lure some colonists who went into the woods thinking he saw elves. And he said, let me bring the elves to this camp. Perhaps they have brought the colonists into the wood and they're shy. I'm not afraid of elves. I think very little of elves. I'm good with elves, though. I can talk a mean game with elves. Good to know.

He seemed a little racist towards elves, you get the impression. But he thought that's what he saw in the woods. He went to go find them. And when he came back, he seemed very sad. And he had very little to say. And he's been sort of hiding in his tent for three days. Let's go talk to that guy. Where is he at? Let's talk to that guy.

Where is he at? He's staying in a small tent to the north of the merchant's tent. Over there? Yeah, yeah, yeah. A little squat tent. It's like this tall. Just big enough to lay down in. There's no... Oh, so it's a motel 6.

Yeah, but he's been laying down in there basically for three days. Probably peeing in a bottle. Maybe it's just his color tv i'm from free hbo go track this torch on for you there's a place on ventura that still advertises color tv like what wow goes through your motel pulling into a motel like i hope they have color tv i hope this this Netflix isn't black and white. There's a place by the old Galleria on Sepulveda that says anyone dealing

in human trafficking will be prosecuted. On the big sign? Well, on the window sign. Oh, okay, but not next to color TV? No, that's not a feature. It's a warning. Amazing. What? There's no warning. Amazing. What? There's no sex trafficking here.

Human trafficking. I don't, I guess that's prostitution. Oh, human trafficking. Oh. I guess we can stay here. The merchants laugh as you say you want to go talk to the entertainer. And they say, good luck. He's clearly been humiliated by the elves.

That's all right. Okay. That's what they think. They think the elves. That's all right. Okay. That's what they think. They think the elves did something embarrassing to him. Oh, okay. He's in his tent pouting. Okay. I think he saw something bad.

You know, I think what he needs to see right now is an elf. Let's make that happen. So what do you guys want to do? How do you want to approach this tent? Who wants to knock? Sorry, I'm very loud. I will. All right. What do you do?

Do we hear this guy's name? Hello, Mr. Entertainment. This guy's name is Horo. Horo. Is there a Horo in there? We want to talk to you. You hear some shuffling and a voice says, go away. No.

You hear a very deep emo sigh. Oh, Judy DiNero. Pretty much. This athletic-looking gentleman wearing very tight, bright green clothes. Prince Valet.

It's not even Prince Baron. It's a black hand guy. It's like Green LeMay, his outfit. He's wearing a golden belt And there's bells attached to the belt Did you guys see Don Knotts suit for sale From the Love God on Ebay

It's $5,000 It's his green With the hat And the leopard collar But Harry Knowles posted it I guess And somebody sent it to me and Dana Gould and said, one of you has to own this. No, we don't. Maybe we both go in on it.

Like, I'll wear it on Monday, he'll wear it on Tuesday. Oh, my God, this is amazing. Is it with the riding hat? It's like a riding helmet, I think. There it is. Oh, yeah. Fantastic. Holy mackerel. It's amazing. Is it with the riding hat? It's like a riding helmet, I think. There it is. Wow. Fantastic. Holy mackerel. That's amazing. So what does this guy say? $5,000 on eBay,

by the way. Yeah. You know what that would go with? My wife bought a lot of Phyllis Diller's wigs and choker necklaces on eBay. So she's like, I'll throw some stupid money. Why not? She has a green wig that was on an album cover and all these crazy Phyllis Diller chukkas. Who's Phyllis Diller? So this guy, he kind of crawls out on his stomach.

It's really embarrassing because it's a really lame little tent. And he stands up and he goes, I am Horo. I speak with my hips, but today I use my face. What will you have of me? Is he a dancer? Are you a dancer?

Yes. I am the greatest dancer in all the lands. What can you tell us about the forest? What do you want to know about the forest? I'm so done with the forest. Why? He, uh... Sorry, I was peeing. He... He pauses

and he tries to talk and he just sort of looks down and he starts to crawl back into his tent. No, no, no. We really want to know what's going on. Can you help us? He says, I told you I prefer to speak with my hips. And he tries to crawl back into the tent.

Well, tell us with your hips. You're going to dance us to sleep? And don't be weird. Can I make a little suggestion? Well, tell us with your hips. Are you going to dance us to the story? Hey, and... And don't be weird. Can I make a little suggestion? If you want to talk with your hips, maybe I can call you with a little music. Everybody, he pulled his loop from...

I'm guessing it's a loop. It's a guitar, actually, right? Yeah, I said it was a loop. Roll your your guessing it's a loop it's a guitar actually roll your old fake strat it's a cheap ass japanese squire oh yeah he says aha and he starts really awkwardly and And he looks, again, very athletic. So there's something weird about it. He kind of like wiggles his butt. Just like, not enough. Like you feel like he can do way better than this, but he doesn't. But I don't want him to.

He gets really into it. I think it's plenty enough. He appears to be some sort of exotic dancer. He goes up to Tui, and as Tui plays, he starts to... It's really awkward. Again, I can't emphasize this enough. It's like his skull is made of lead, and it's weighing him down. He can't make eye contact with any of you,

but he rubs his hip kind of sensually against Tui. Now you're rubbing your hips with gas. Horo says, this feels so good. I feel almost myself again. Thank you. Thank you. What can I do for you? Tell us what happened.

What happened in the woods? Yeah. There is no future. This is the end. Don't you know? No, we don't know anything. This is the end. And he starts to just repeat this is the end

over and over again. And he grows heavier and he tries to crawl in the tent again even though Tui is playing music. Why do you think it's the end? He ignores you and he just tries... He's kind of aggressively going back

in his tent. Do you do anything before his feet get in there? Yeah, I grab his feet. Alright, roll strength. Three. Yeah, grab his feet. All right, roll strikes. So how hard are you pulling this guy's ankle? Tui's still playing music, by the way. It's hard enough to lift him up. I'm going to pull him off the ground and hold him up to me.

Okay, he starts squealing really loud. Like he's absolutely terrified. I'm going to throw some intimidation on him now and quiet him down and go, look, I just want to talk to you. All right, he's crying now. There's no need to cry. Tears are screaming down his face. I don't want to hurt you not I don't want to hurt you

I don't want to hurt you I just want to talk to you he starts grabbing his face grabbing his face what is he grabbing his face he's trying to stop the tears from coming out of his eyes but it's really weird what are you doing he doesn't answer.

I shake him. Okay. But just enough to be like, come on. He starts squealing again. Stop squealing. You're being so gentle with him. It's impressive. I really didn't think he'd last this long with you.

That's the stop squealing song. I just met't think he'd last this long with you. Best to stop squealing, so. I just met him. You guys just met me. He starts breathing really heavily, and he starts to calm down. All right. Oh, okay. I have to admit, I did not think he would be alive this long. Okay.

This is impressive, you guys. What do you mean it's the end? He said, I don't know. All I can tell you is I saw something in the woods that convinced me this is

not the same life I led before I came here. I am a different person than when I came here. From something you saw? Yeah. I went into the woods and I don't remember what happened, but I saw something that told me my life is over. I am not a person anymore. Jeez. Not a person anymore sad

what do you guys think let him go maybe you should just try to breathe in yourself try to let him down try what believe in yourself

believe in myself yeah he starts kind of shaking his hips again like he was when you were playing a song I'm on break he gets sad again

he stops he stops dancing he thought he was going to get another that's so weird and break. He gets sad again when he stops dancing. He thought he was going to get another step. So weird. I hold out a giant brandy snifter with a couple of dollars in it. You know, hmm. So we probably shouldn't go in the woods, is that what you're saying?

No. No. Not unless you want to know the truth. But that's the only thing we want he says I'm sorry I'm not the person I once was I once was the most beautiful dancer

my hair was long and I cut it all off with this rock and he takes a really sharp rock out of a bulge in his suit and you notice his hair is indeed kind of weirdly cut and he says I smashed this

rock against another rock to remove my hair it felt wrong on my head what a weirdo and you look off next to his tent and indeed there's like a straw like pile of blonde hair. Wow. This guy's weird as hell.

Something's happened to him, obviously. Possessed or something. He's still calm and breathing heavily, so you feel like you might be able to get some more information out of him before he goes into his weird trance again and crawls back in his tent. Why don't you leave? My boat is gone. Isn't yours? All the boats leave once you step off of them. Are the boats still here?

No, the boats are not there anymore. Okay, sorry. Are you okay? I hope this new mic is picking up your asthma attack. Boat's gone. Boat's gone. No sign of it. That's all right. There's something out.

I can't believe I did that without coughing. What else? Is there more info to get from him, I wonder? You do get the feeling he still is holding something back. Did you see any people in the woods?

I don't remember anything from the woods. All I remember is the feeling I left. How do you feel about elves? Ugh. I hate elves.

If I ever saw an elf again, I'd kill myself. They're disgusting. You notice, again, he hasn't really made eye contact with anybody. He's just kind of looking at the ground. You don't know if he's really taken in the twee as an elf. He's kind of distracted.

Well, we might know elves. Can I tell you a little something? What is it? Move your elf. You always live your life. Never think you know the future. Shake your elf. He starts rubbing his hips against you again.

I don't like it. You and you and that's the only way. Jess is going to sue the shit out of us. Stop. You're an elf. You'll know for pity's sake. I think I fucked it up just enough to get away with it. You notice he's been kind of like tossing

the rock up? The one he said he used to cut his hair? He's been kind of like tossing it up. And when you sing, he starts gripping it really hard. Because he wants to kill me with it because I'm a singing elf? No, it seemed like he was super into it, but he was clutching to it like a teddy bear, like a kid would grab a teddy bear.

I'm going to kind of keep sort of humming the melody a little bit, sort of keep him occupied. He starts rubbing the rock against his head. Uh-oh. What happens when I get to the to the lin drum solo? He starts bending over a little bit while holding it hard against

his head. To shake his head? You're not sure what he's doing. He's just kind of like humming along to the music with you. Okay. I am not liking this. Again, he's in like a skin-tight one-piece. Yeah. And he pulled this rock out Okay. I am not liking this. Again, he's in like a skin-tight one-piece.

Yeah. And he pulled this rock out of a lump in it. It was folded over. I feel like this dude plays Elmo in front of the Chinese theater. He just got picked up in Times Square for doing something. With a fanny pack around his elbow. You notice it looks like parts of his costume are missing. Like he's wearing a really basic outfit.

You see little tears on the seams of it, like things have maybe been ripped off of his costume. There's bells on his golden belt, but that's the only real secondary thing to his outfit. The more he rubs the rock against

his head, the more you're like oh if i have anything to ask him i want to ask it soon because he looks like he's starting out you want to tell us go extra uh yeah he said um uh they're they're coming they're coming soon i'm almost done they're coming soon who's they they? They. And he points at the woods. He starts just kind of like bopping his head with the rock. What's inside his tent?

Do you ignore him? Do you ignore him? He's freaking me out. Okay, he starts rolling around on the ground. You look inside his tent and you see a really exciting

like bits of fabric it looks like he's cut off a lot of his costume and so you see like a lot of weird feathers and other items there's a journal in there he's got a little stash of money it looks like And other items. There's a journal in there. He's got a little stash of money, it looks like.

A pee bottle. Gross. Just say vitamin water, Dan. XXX vitamin water with acai berries. I'm good. I'm gonna I'm just gonna I'm getting a little tired. Okay, he curls up into a

ball and he goes to sleep in the dirt. I'm gonna grab his journal and look through that. Okay. You notice it's starting to get a little dark and some of the tents along the beach, the merchants are blowing out candles. But there's still people pacing around like they're hoping you will buy something. They're all kind of looking at you.

Let's ask for a tent. Or do we need a tent? Yeah, we need a lodger. Yeah, you're pretty sure you saw a tent that's actually selling tents. Okay, let's go back. So you head over there. Did you take the gold from Horo's tent or did you just take the journal

I'm not going to take any of his money not bad for the guy does he have a lot of money he had a lot of money it looked like he used to have a real nice costume he came here to make a lot of money

and he was going crazy in that tent. I'm not going to rob the guy. No. If he dies, we'll give it to the church to bury him. It's looking likely. You feel like this guy was pretty worth for work. You head to the tent. You guys can afford either a tent separate

or together. If they're separate, they're pretty small. Can we just get one room, two doubles? Yeah. We want to get a king and a cot. Sure. They send you one room, two doubles.

They warn you. They're like, we all sleep in our work tent. We don't have separate lodging. We recommend you sleep near the beach, but that's not really based on anything. Again, nobody's died since we've been here. We're not afraid of anything, but we're all getting pretty wary of the woods

since that crazy dude came back. What's the deal with that guy? They're like, honestly, he's a dick. We're all pretty glad he's going crazy. We think he got hypnotized by something, some weird creature in the woods. That makes sense.

He's just full of shit. Don't worry about him. There's nothing real creepy going on here. This is just a dumb... Your boat left too, right? Let me check. Boat's gone, right? A lot of boats leave just because this place is gross. They can tell right away there's not as much civilization,

and so they'll just leave. A lot of people will just say, they're like, don't worry about it. There's going to be another boat here in the morning any settlements any buildings here besides tents they said to the north they think some have seen

through the mist what looks like perhaps an old dwarven castle sticking out of sort of like the side of a mountain but other than that there's been no sign of an encampment or the colonists. Hmm. I say we make some camp

near this people. In the morning? Yeah. What's the smell at night? The smell is horrible. And they said, if you like, we can sell you some blankets to put on the floor of your

tent. You don't want the bare put on the floor of your tent you don't want the bare floor of the ground for your time okay something seeps up it's almost like it turns into a marsh at night and then recedes so anything touching the ground will be wet yeah better better you buy some blankets and just throw them away after a few days. They'll be tolerable for at least a few days, the smell. After that, we'd have to sell you new blankets. Sure, sure.

Let's just go. Let's just crash here and take off when we think the sun is up. We could talk to more people if we want, if they're still up. Yeah. People are up. Yeah. People are up and around.

Is there any sort of a restaurant or food tent? Or a guy who maybe has whiskey? Yeah, there's actually a really huge tent that some of the people who aren't retiring for the evening to their cots seem to be going to to get drunk. Let's go there. Yeah, let's go get

some drinks. Some's go there. Yeah, let's go get some drinks. Some drinks and information. Great. Well, you head in, and a lot of merchants drinking. A lot of people trying to... How many people are there, actually? There's about 50 people. Oh, okay.

You'd say about 25 of them went to this tent to drink, and about 25 of them are going to bed. Oh, okay. And so everyone in here is really quiet it's really tense everyone's pissed they're not making money all night all night but because you're the new guys they all kind of look at you size you up try to decide if you're gonna try to buy anything off of them they're no one's outright running up to you and trying to be creepy or cheap about it. You can tell they're all kind of antsy.

Like, oh, we brought some stuff here. We could sell some stuff to them here while they're drinking if they want. They're kind of like... Armed? Yes. There's a couple of bodyguards milling around that seem to be circling their clients.

But everyone seems to have some sort of light weapons showing everyone because they're tense. They seem like they're willing to defend themselves. Sure. Um, you would describe, uh, most of the people here though,

as civilians with a weapon, they barely know how to use. There's not a lot. They're merchants. There, there's a, a couple of, uh,

basically barbarians walking around. Well, let's head mercenaries head to wherever we can get a drink well there's a little makeshift bar a little wooden plank set up with a bunch of bottles a bunch of glasses they're all pretty dirty they all look pretty slimy somebody manning is there somebody manning it or yeah there's a guy just hanging out there. He's like, what do you want? Three Musketeers. Why do they have three Musketeers? They don't even have Milky Ways?

A drink for my friends and myself. He's like, great. We got whiskey. We got beer. That's about it. I'll take the whiskey. My friends. Sure.

Sure. He's like, we got a special. We're closing up shop and probably the next boat that comes in, so we'll give you a whole bottle for five gold. Great. Fair enough. You're buying three

bottles? What? So I'll give you three bottles for ten gold. This one I think is enough. This one's enough. Sure? Yeah, and some calamari for the table. He's like, you want food? I got food too. Food would be great, sure.

He serves you guys up some seafood. Smells real weird though. You're not sure you want to eat it. So how long have you lived on Yoshinoya Island? I'm on a seafood diet, it turns out. He's like, I've been here since the beginning.

Sold all my good stuff. You guys are getting away. I want to tell you about my diet. What's your seafood diet? Are you a pescatarian? Whenever I see food, I eat it. But it's only if it's seafood. If it smells bad, you don't eat that.

It's grilled fish, but it seems like he put it on salt. Like, it seems like it's been sitting in his store for a couple of days. They do that with caramels all the time now. I don't like salt on caramels. He apologized and said he traveled with this meat. There's nothing... There's no meat you can catch here. We're good then.

Okay. No, thank you. No? We'll just eat whiskey. One gold for three meals. That's good. you can catch here. We're good then. Okay. No, thank you. No? We'll just eat whiskey. One gold for three meals. That's good. It's all right. We're good.

No, no. We don't need food. We'll find something in our ration. He kind of bites his lip like he's going to slap you and he walks away. He's lucky he walked away. Yeah, it's like, hey, fuck me for eating at Wienerschnitzel before we left. The whiskey seems decent, though. It's a big bottle.

You get the impression he was trying to sell you his last three bottles. This is one of them. Yeah, I just don't want to drink a bottle of whiskey and get railroaded in a tent. Yeah. Story of my life. There's one empty table. Pretty much every table's got somebody sitting on it. There's one empty table. Pretty much every table's got somebody sitting on it. There's not a lot of

tables either. Let's go to the empty one. So you head over there and right away, the guy at the next table starts looking at you real pissed. What is your problem? He is a dragonborn. He's easily

the ugliest dragonborn you've ever seen in your life. His lower jaw sticks way out and it's kind of sideways. It looks like he's got a permanently broken jaw. He's got one big googly eye and it's just staring daggers through you. Are you an artist, my friend? Because I would recommend painting some sort of picture of me and my friends because it might last longer. He says, sorry. He keeps staring at you.

I ask again, is there a reason that you're staring at me? I ain't staring. The big eye don't work. The staring. The big eye don't work. The what? The big eye don't work. Oh, sorry. I'm glad I asked questions first. I'm

just learning how to act. What? Never mind. The ear on that side don't work neither. Okay, good. He's wearing really fancy armor for someone so ugly. What do you do here?

I came here to fight. Are you an army or are you on your own? Yeah, I came here with four other soldiers. We had a crew of 20 merchants. No one else got off the boat. I got off the boat, turned around, the boat was gone.

Been trying to get hired as a bodyguard, but no one here's got money. That happened to us. What? We got off the boat. We were in a tent, and they said, the boat's gone, isn't it? What? What is this guy saying? I see his lips moving. He's telling you what happened to us. The same thing happened to us.

We got off the boat. We turned around and the boat was gone. His name is Twee. He sort of talks in a Twee manner in a way. A little gentle.

This is my friend Tom Dorito. Bob, too. Hey, I'm going to go over and give the guy my karaoke slip.

Oh, no. Wait, what? Well, is there music? Yeah. Okay, cool. So he's going to give the guy his karaoke slip because he wants to sing a song, apparently. Gotcha.

All right, well, the bard on duty sees that you're intent on entertaining yourself, and he said, yeah, go for it, man. The tips here are terrible. All right. I'm just going to get up on the table. Okay. Once upon a time, there was a guest.

He bought a hard glass. He said, my friend, give me my hard glass. The dragonborn starts tapping his feet. He's pretty into it. Oh, nice. This song sounds familiar for some reason. That other bar is pretty depressing. Thanks for mixing it up a little bit. I'm getting pretty bored here. I'm thinking about going in the woods tonight.

What are you going to do in the woods? Look for something to kill. I just had a run-in with a guy who went in the woods. He didn't have a good experience there. Oh, you mean the pansy? Yeah, I don't like that guy. He's stupid.

His outfit's stupid. His dance is stupid. He's from some country where people dance like that guy. He's stupid. His outfit's stupid. His dance's stupid. He's from some country where people dance like that all the time. Can you imagine that crap? Yeah, what do you think happened to him for real, though? Oh, there's some bad... You know, there's... I think those colonists are in the woods.

I think they got kidnapped or eaten or something. And I bet if you just go a few steps in there, you could kill something real fun. Thank you very much, Blondie and Sam. I have a question. Yeah, yeah, yeah. How many colonists were there? Oh, there's like a couple thousand. They don't just disappear.

I mean, it's weird you don't see their houses no more, but they've got to be in the woods, right? I was under the impression there was like a couple, like a dozen of them. Huh? Wait, there were thousands and they had houses? That's what I heard. Oh, you didn't see it. But, I mean, you guys, you probably, we heard different. He looks at you real, real strange.

And he says how long ago did you hear about this place we heard it's only the colonists just got here a year ago right he gets this really kind of like annoyed look on his

face and goes yeah sure whatever whatever yeah yeah yeah, yeah. Wait, no, what do you know? He's like, nah. Tell us the history of this place. I don't know the history of this place, but

everyone I talk to keeps saying different times. They're like, oh, I heard about it a year ago, I heard about it 15 years ago, I just found out, I just got on a boat. Hmm. How long has everybody been here? Are there people that have been here a while?

I haven't talked to anyone that's been here more than a couple weeks. Okay. Bartender has been here the longest. He's about to pack up and try and go home on the next boat. And you've been here how long? We talked to the bartender, didn't we? Yeah. How long have you been here?

I've been here a week. Oh, talked to the bartender, didn't we? Yeah. How long have you been here? I've been here a week. Oh, okay. Did they take off the weight? Huh? Just for me. Everybody wants their wild boy next to tell himself a joke. If I tell myself a joke, I never leave the house. He introduces himself.

He says his name is Lekas. Knock, knock. I'm not coming out. Lekas is Lekas. Knock, knock. I'm not coming out. Lekas? Lekas. Lekas. Not Tom Lekas. You're terrible.

The professor is it. It's Mike Barticle. You get the impression he's a cleric and that he used to lead a bunch of fighters and they've all... Basically, he was the only one brave enough to get off the boat and they all... It sounds like they all went coward and the boat turned around right after he got

off the boat it's dragon boar guy yeah yeah and he looks like he got punched real hard in the side of the head and that side of his head is broken when that happened when what happened your face he stands up like you're trying to fight him no he doesn't like it what i'm just curious what happened oh he sees what's going on he's like all right all right i got punched in the face by a giant wow that's impressive didn't go great no it's a giant that's pretty hard you should see the other guy if you want if you guys want to go in the woods with me you'll see me wearing a helmet i don't go fighting without a helmet no more. They fuck up your face.

My friend Gary Busey had the same thing. Yeah, motorcycle. Tragic. So you're not worried at all about surviving in the woods at night? You've been in there before? Have you been in there before? I walked right up to the edge.

Looks fun. While dancing lights and shit. I've seen shit like that before. I walked right up to the edge. Looks fun. While dancing lights and shit. I've seen shit like that before. I ain't afraid of that shit. You hear stuff at night? You guys want to crash out? There's all kinds of crazy noises in the woods. You guys seen the woods yet?

You should at least check it out before you go to bed. Alright. Check out the woods in the dark before we hit it. Yeah, sounds like a good plan. Don't worry, I ain't going to fuck you. I ain't going to fuck you in the woods in the dark before we hit it don't worry I ain't gonna fuck you I ain't gonna fuck you in the woods don't worry my dick's broken from that giant oh man

ripped it right off and threw it too far away for me to go get it let's stop talking yeah let's go let's watch him go into the woods. Sure. We'll walk with you.

He's like, alright. He goes to the bar, buys himself a bottle of whiskey. He says, I haven't gone in yet, but I'll take a few steps in there and I'll wave at you all you bunch of pussies. He's real squat as he stands up. You really get the sense.

As he stands up, he gets shorter? Kind of, yeah. But he's huge. Danzig getting off the chair. He's big. He's a Dragonborn, so, you know, he... You get the impression he's kind of old. You weren't sure how old he was,

because none of you guys really know much about Dragonborn, but you get the sense, like, he's the human equivalent of someone in their early 60s, but in shape. Okay. I was taking a picture with Glenn Danzig at a comic book convention, and a guy walked by and told him, hey Glenn, you should stand

on a chair. You put him on your shoulder and have him say, I'm glad to run but he frowned really hard at the guy. He wanted to destroy him. So Lekas leads you to the woods But he frowned really hard at the guy. He wanted to destroy it. I'm shaking some people all the time. Yeah.

So Lekas leads you to the woods, and with one hand he pulls a hammer off his back. The other, he's just kind of taking tugs off the bottle of whiskey. And as you get closer to the woods, things get quieter. You don't hear the waves of the beach anymore. Everything gets just real still. There's no mist in the woods. It seems very clear through the branches. And when you get real close,

you start to see what look like little fairy lights, little dancing pinpoints of light at eye level, deeper in the woods. And like I said, you see that shit? It's just stupid little fairies. Might be some big satyrs or some shit in there. I'll fuck them up for you. I'm gonna see Clock One bring back its arm or something.

Do what you gotta do. Show us what you got. Lekka's down for it. We all say cliche things. Go for it. Keep on trucking. So Lycus goes into the wood. He finishes the bottle of whiskey first.

It doesn't seem very hard for him. You get the impression Dragonborn can do a lot of whiskey. And he starts pushing through the trees. They're pretty small at the edge of the forest. And he's a huge dude. And he starts to disappear out of eyesight. Do you guys do anything? Well, we can kind of see a little bit,

dark vision-wise, right? Yeah. It's only other trees that start to prohibit how much of him you can see. Why? The trees move? They get thicker the farther in he goes, and they start to obscure his body.

So they're growers, not showers. Yeah. Nothing unusual seems to be happening. The forest doesn't seem alive or spooky. No, he just seems like he's going farther in than you may have expected him to at first. What do you see? I'm talking to him.

He turns around and he's like, I see some shapes. There's definitely some stuff going on in here. Think about maybe lighting a branch on fire and get a torch going or something. He does it as he says it. He lights a torch. You can see

more of the woods and you do see what look like shadows sort of moving back and forth. Taller than him for sure. The torch only goes so high up but like let's say the ceiling of brian's kitchen here is as high up as the light goes with the branches and all and you see shadows at that height kind of moving around and as well as at the ground stuff in the trees stuff on the ground both like it just seems like animal shapes human shapes uh you're not sure

they seem amorphous. Almost just like waves of darkness darting around him. He's like, oh, that's weird. Those shadows are moving weird. He starts kind of like shaking his hammer around. I wish I would have brought more pee.

You want to say anything else to him? No, I kind of want to see what happens. Something does happen. All of a sudden, you can barely see him, right? You more see the light of his torch than him himself. The light goes out and he goes, Ah, fuck! And you hear a big clunk noise and some rustling around.

Hey, pal. What was his name? Lekas. Lekas. Lekas. Yep. Are you all right in there? Someone's trying to fuck me up. I'm punching it.

You hear the clanking of an armored fist and a hammer against something. Can I cast any light on him? Do you guys have any kind of... I don't have any. I have a firebolt. Well, I have ten torches. I light a torch and I toss it.

Will it stay lit? Yeah, it'll stay lit, sure. I toss it as close to him as I think I can get. Now my fire's great. You toss it in and you see what looks like a pill bug about the size of a

bus trying to roll over Lekas. Okay. I'm going to go help him out. I can get a pill bug. I run at him with my great sword. Great. Yeah, we're going to

hit pause and we'll find out next episode what Lekas is fighting and whether Bodhi gets to stab it in the dick. Yeah, and we already have our first donor. I have a name written down in the other room, but

we'll pop that in. We'll do a little thing at the end here. Thanks for listening. Yeah, we don't know when this is going to air, so I don't know what to plug. Yeah, we can't plug yet, but we're going to record several of these, so when you hear this first one,

we'll have already recorded the second and third. We want to get a chunk of them ready for you guys so that we can start to do weekly like we used to. Yeah, so thanks, guys. Thanks for listening. Thank you.

Bye, Tweed. I'm going to hate your character. I like it so far. Good night. Hey, thanks for listening to Brian Pussain's Nerd Poker. You can follow us on Facebook and Twitter at Nerd Poker Podcast. Our new P.O. Box is Nerd Poker P.O. Box 16069 Encino, California 91416. Anything you want to send us comes right to me and I'll share it with the guys

we also have a Patreon account patreon.com slash nerdpoker p-a-t-r-e-o-n dot com slash nerdpoker and there if you join us there

you can get monthly bonus episodes for supporting us there as you may have noticed uh we have some mic problems in these first couple episodes uh i just had one mic in my dining room as we got a producer involved we figured uh we really need a second mic so that gets resolved but uh i still want to uh present you uh the first eight episodes the way we recorded them but just know sometimes we'll be off mic one or two of us might be off mic

thanks again for listening guys couldn't do it without you he's the doctor we're the doctor we're the doctor doctor You're not alone