Nerd Poker - Episode 1 - Cloddenheim

Episode Date: January 23, 2019

A group of heroes on the continent of Cloddenheim have been invited to a gathering by an eccentric scientist. A carriage awaits.

Hey everybody, I'm Brian Poussaint Comedian, writer, actor, nerd. I've been playing D&D with my friends for a long time. I decided to do a new podcast where we play Dungeons & Dragons in my very own dining room. With my wife, kid, and my noisy dogs. So meet my friends Sarah, Ken, Dan, Blaine, Chris. Now it's time for another episode of Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker. Season three. Hey, everybody.

Brian Poussaint and you're listening to Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker. Season three. What? Episode one. How? Oh, man. All my friends are here. Chris.

Hello. Sarah. Yes. Ken. We are all your friends. Dan. Hiya. Blaine.

Hi. And with his own microphone for the first time ever. Oh, boy. Hello. Sam. Wow. Everybody. Welcome, Sam.

Hi. Sam, you are officially on mic talent. Oh, boy. Yeah. And he's even got headphones so he can hear us. I love it. Welcome to On Mic Guild. It's pretty great.

I have terrible news about the guild benefits. Now we can listen to you look at the internet. That's right. Hope you enjoy the Matrix trilogy. We have all new characters. We do. We have an all new characters. We do. We have an all new adventure. I want to really quickly just say who was at Palladino's.

Oh, sure. I think our listeners are going to be thrilled to hear that tonight. These are our Patreon sponsors. Yeah, we should say we're for those who might be dropping in for the first time. We have regular listeners. You can listen to this podcast any old place. But on Patreon, we have a special page where if you pay a little extra you get a couple of episodes a month with special guests where we go through modules or danger rooms and we try to throw we've had people like brendan small and joe manganello jackie cation we've got rick remender coming up soon

the creator of deadly class i watched that pilot yeah it. Yeah, it's pretty good, huh? It's very good. I liked it a lot. It's available online. Oh, is it already? They sci-fi put it up on YouTube. Oh, okay. But it's great. It's a good show. And if you join Patreon, you get to listen to the backlog of like, it's like 30 some

hours of guests going through Tomb of Annihilation and weird danger rooms that I built, including Sarah and Chris before they were full cast members and original members Sark and Jerry and all sorts of stuff. That's just back when I was your neighbor, Mr. Twinkasetti.

I would just come by every once in a while and say hi. At first we could only see the top part of your face over the fence. Didn't he play Bonnie Franklin's boyfriend for a couple episodes? Yeah, for three. So we have a running gag, who's playing at Paladino's where you can see some famous cover bands such as Doris Day in the Time

opening for Prince The Revolution Calling a Prince cover band that plays Queensryche's Operation Mindcrime in its entirety That's one of my favorites That comes from Neil Wicker I was saving that one for the first new episode of the campaign that one just hurt my brain uh thank you neil wicker for supporting

us on patreon and coming up with that hilarious uh paladino's reference so we're um oh hey i went through over the weekend you guys oh yeah you did yeah i saw a philip Philip Gasser, Philip Astner, a little Rod Serfri. Wow. Just when I thought one of the listeners had you beat. You powered that one out. That was amazing. Lane would never allow such a thing. You know what we should do, Brian?

We should go check it out this weekend. Rash is there. Rash? Yeah, it's a Rush cover band with psoriasis. Should have stopped with Philip Glass. No, Rush has done

a cover band of them called Rash. Oh, really? Yeah, you know when they do the little... Oh, man, I didn't know that. Oh, now I feel like Carlos Mencia. They do those little wraparounds during their live shows.

I didn't know they wrapped. They have video shit on the big screen. Oh, and I just thought of one more thing, too, for Patreons. I've been trying this new thing out. Last campaign, do you guys remember Brickette Stonecaster, that asshole guy that is actually a name submitted from one of our patreons they changed their patreon name i told

our patreons if they uh change their username to whatever name they want and then throw in npc i will search for the keyword npc in our patreon list and occasionally incorporate npcs with those names so briquette stonecaster I believe is the D&D name that someone out there who listens to our podcast uses in their campaign. That's cool. And that may happen again. So if you subscribe on Patreon, we'll try and throw in some NPCs. Can I make a disclaimer about that now?

If I am mean to an NPC, I'm not trying to be mean to the person that it is named after. Faithful Patreon subscriber. I'm going to just let you guys know as Dungeon Master that as soon as we're done recording, Chris is going to take that back and be like, yeah, I fucked him up on purpose.

It was a deliberate assassination of the character. I knew the whole time. He's really mean in person. Oh my gosh. You might hear great things about Chris Tallman and how nice he is, but in real life, he's... It's all bullshit. Wow.

Can't stand him. He's in that booth, right? He's in the soundproof booth, right? I'm across the table from you. You and your lip reading classes. That was me coming across the table. You guys ready for a new magical land yet?

I changed my mind. Bye. Sarah just opens the sliding door and walks onto Brian's patio it's in the intro but we're in Brian's house you guys so that'll be a thing we are in a new land a new continent even

that you guys have never experienced before me and a Martha Mon oh my god someone out there just shit their pants because they thought a Martha Mon was coming you're on a new continent called Clottenheim welcome to Clottenheim everybody Oh my God. Someone out there just shit their pants because they thought a Martham on it was coming. You're on a new continent called Clottenheim. Welcome to Clottenheim, everybody.

Hi. So your characters... Also what Jerry Lewis yells when he falls down the stairs. Clottenheim! Your characters, Brian, Blaine, Ken, and Sarah, have just met. You have all been invited to a strange... No, not Chris yet, Brian. Listeners, Brian just pointed at Chris like,

did you forget he's sitting at the table? No, not yet. I have talked to all of you a little bit, either over text or on the phone or an email. And so you've all been... Should we explain why some of the characters aren't coming, why nobody's coming back, why they're all new?

I don't think that matters. We don't need to. We just sort of decided, right? Right. For funsies. But some more people- They didn't go to jail. No, they're all alive for the most part.

Well, who died? Don't they still play in- Tweet's dead. Yeah, bonus episodes are still there. Part of Ken is dead. Oh, yeah, that's worth pointing out too. Sure, like if you guys miss the uh like bode and twee they can all come back on bonus episodes whenever these guys join our patreon yeah they're still alive in the patreon they are yeah it's

weird we're holding them hostage even though i've killed them it really is weird It's like I'm only alive on the holiday. Well, Bodhi, in bonus episodes, will Bodhi level up? Depending on how he survives from the last adventure. Let's talk about that on Patreon. I think he should. Oh, I know. Let's get to the new order. Oh, I want you to meet my new character.

Believe me. And here we go. So the four of you, excluding Chris my new character believe me and here we go so uh the four of you excluding chris's new character have um all been invited to this sort of observatory by this guy who seems in clod mine uh very keen to meet adventurers so you um you all came from different parts of the continent perhaps the trident coast to the south perhaps bozor off to the west um but uh you you all met up outside the silver henny woods where a a a carriage was supposed to pick you up it's a little late it runs a little late but you're all sort of standing around and realizing you're waiting for the same

carriage the four of you so why don't you tell each other and listeners who you see ambling up to this sort of muddy post where the carriage is supposed to arrive. Brian, you want to get us started? What do these three other characters see standing around? What do they see? Yeah. I'm average height. That's what you would see from far away. But when you get up close, you might notice that I'm a half elf. I'm a drow. Let's see. What else would they notice about me?

I mean, what physically? Half drows are interesting because drow are very sensitive to the sun. They sort of have dark violet skin, white hair, red eyes sometimes. What is this guy kind of carried over with his half drow heritage? I'm wearing a hood and I'm kind of acting sketchy or looking a little... What kind of skin tone you got, half drow? I don't know. I know, it's tricky, but I feel like it could be a very big identifying feature of you.

Do you have dark skin? Do you have splotchy skin? Do you have maybe bright pink skin? Hadn't really worked that out. I know. I know. But they're all going to notice it right away. I mean, half-elves generally stick out a little bit because both elves and humans.

Like a pinkish-grayish thing. Pinkish-grayish? Like a baby pig. Yes, like a baby pig. I dig it. Anything else they should know about you? Just from first appearances, you got a hood up, your average height, you're like between five and six feet tall. Uh-huh.

No, that's it. You kind of keeping yourself a little bit? Dressed dark. Looks like I've got maybe some issues. Nice. Hey, Blaine, what do they notice about you? I would probably make better time if I wasn't waiting for this carriage. Driving me nuts.

So Blaine also appears to be a half-elf. Any identifying features you'd like to tell us out of character? That's a wonderful in-character introduction. I look like I was drawn by Jack Kirby. I'm waiting for that blasted carriage standing out here in the open like a fool. He seems fun. Now, you don't really have hair per se is that right blaine you have something else it's dark right why don't you point it out i have moss i have moss for hair yes he has he has

my i have a moss beard i have a moss mustache it looks like he's been sleeping in silver henny woods for a couple of years maybe like my arm hair looks like watercress. It looks like moss. I get it. And he seems slightly insane. Hey, Ken, how about yourself? What do they see? Probably my wings. That's right.

You're not just a regular old humanoid. What are you? I am a... I believe it's pronounced Aarakocra. Aarakocra, yes. So he's got arms and legs, but also you got bird's wings coming out your back. Yeah.

You want to tell us about your plumage? What kind of colors you got there? It's nicely, it's almost parrot-like. It's very colorful. Resplendent, even. Is it like a certain kind of macaw, like blue or green? More like a lot of red, blue and green. Ooh.

Like three caballeros. All in one. What's your posture like? I'm very bold and comfortable with myself. You're like Sam the Eagle. Yes, indeed. Yes, I show no fear and

glad to meet whoever comes my way. And Sarah? They would see a kind of a half-elf. We have three half-elves of different origin. Light bronze skin kind of. She's half-sun elf, who is what someone who knew might be like,

huh, she looks a little bit weathered in the face. Too much sun elf. Yeah looks a little bit weathered in the face. Too much sun elf. Yeah, a little bit, maybe too much sun. Maybe the human half didn't. But she has a sort of a regal bearing. And she looks... Yeah, weathered but proud. Yeah, she looks proud.

Like one of those Arizona elves. She has a. She looks like you wouldn't want to mess with her, but she also has a large gray blue amulet that is kind of prominently displayed, but over her chain mail.

Oh, jeez. She's loaded for bear. The four of you see the carriage approach. The driver looks drunk. You're all forced to climb inside in close quarters and talk to each other for a few hours. Say hi to each other, everybody. Hello.

Hi. Hello there. It's a pleasure to meet you. Hi. Well, I suppose I'll go first. My name is Halseen. Halseen. That's a lovely name.

Cool, and you are? Sorry, I thought that sounded like there was an ellipsis at the end of that. I just want to get back to the woods. I have things I'm working on in the woods. I'm a doctor. Doctor

Uid. Doctor Uid? Alright. Oh no! Chris just figured out what that spells. Doctor Uid. I believe that I texted about this. Medical doctor.

Anyone else want to introduce themselves by name besides those two? My name is... Oh, go ahead. No, you first, sir. I insist. Oh, boy. My name is Queep. Nice to meet you. It's what? Hi, Queep. Queep. Nice to meet you all.

It's what? Queep. I like that song about you. That song by Lady O'Head is really good about you. Oh, Lady O'Head. I like that movie about you, both Queamy and Rhapsody. My name is Darkther. Darkther?

Darkther. Darkther? Darkther Sturry. Like Arthur, but dark. Okay, so Darkther Queep. Dr. Whoid? Dr. Ood? Dr. Ood.

Dr. Ood. How seen. How seen. How seen. And. Uid. Dr. Uid. How seen. How seen. How seen. And I guess away we go. I made sure to just let you guys have whatever pronunciation you want to. Is anybody else in our little cart? No.

We all got this letter. You did. You got a letter from a very curious character you've never heard of. Says I want a speedboat. And you sort of compare it. You've got basically the same letter. Would any of you like to kind of go over the basics? Something about surviving in a haunted house for

a day. I don't know. No, you all got a letter from someone named Nibbin Dairy Waxel Pezzle Gig. That's what I meant. Nibbin and Queep are characters in this campaign. And one of them is my fault.

Yeah, so this Nibin character seems to be, he claims to be the honorary Baron of Peppergreen, which you guys know to be a land way up to the north. And there's some mountains, sort of the southwest area of Pepper Green. Should Chris read this?

Chris knows about this letter. No, so our listeners could hear it in his... Oh, sure. He has a great reading voice. He does have a great reading voice. Well, why don't you do an improv class if you don't want to do it? No, you...

What's your character? I think he's saying it's not Chris's character. It's not his character who wrote it. Oh, right. His character delivered it to you by mail.

Okay, cool. But yes. It feels like people might like to hear it or am I wrong? No, they would like to hear it but I think just because Chris hasn't gotten to talk yet,

let's let Chris do it. I won't do the character voice just yet. Just read the letter? Would you please? Sure. Dear brave adventurer, allow me to introduce myself.

Though you may already be familiar with my discoveries, I am Baron Puzzlegig of the legendary Puzzlegig Observatory atop Mount Hook. Thank you, of course. And I would like to invite you to my breathtaking villa along with 19 other remarkable personalities from across the great land of cladenheim in two days time my desperate apologies for the strange stains on this

document i assure you there are strange stains it's merely experimental strange stains season three coming up in the summer within my great halls, there will be much celebration, and I will shower you with rewards that your reputation has already earned for you. Together, we shall regale each other with tales of glory over stiff drinks and shanks of lamb, and our story shall outlast the breadth of history. And again, complimentary boozes and meats. The reason for this occasion is not merely my love of adventurers, which is indeed sincere

as I am bound to this observatory by my own frailty. But it is also destined to be a night of celestial splendor and my mountain villa will be the greatest place to witness this in the whole of this fair continent, far above the political schemes and more

literal conflicts. You get it, right? Well, get inebriated and look at the sky. Please come alone and trust that my own reputation is promised enough that this evening shall be worthy of your presence. Fondly, Nibandero Axel Pezzlegig, Honorary

Baron of Peppergreen, Chief Scientist of Pezzlegig Observatory. And so you guys would have asked around, and all four of you feel like this guy's name checks out. He seems to be the actual Baron of Peppergreen. And his observatory is real. It's where a lot of celestial events have been observed, paid for by wealthy gnomes who live in Peppergreen. It's where they have the technical Emmys. He's got a very gnome-ish name, you would have noticed also.

And it's not uncommon for a gnome to have a scientific background. So you guys are all heading up there knowing you're running a little late. He had said two days time. It took you a full day to get where you were from where you first received the letter. And now you're kind of bumping right up against what you originally were hoping would be a couple hours earlier. Your carriage goes up the sides of some mountains, some very narrow passes, and finally reaches the observatory.

It is a bright, cloudless day. But the day is... Severe clear. cloudless day. Severe clear. The day is headed into night and a character meets the carriage as it pulls to a stop. Chris, would you like to introduce everyone to what you look like? Sure. You guys see about a six and a half foot tall creature. Sort of a big

looks like kind of wooden, maybe kind of like a robot sort of, like cords of wood. Clearly there's fluid and stuff running, but it's a very almost mask-like face. It's two glowing red eyes with a red sigil kind of here on the forehead, a big pronounced brow and an animated jaw. And it just kind of dressed in sort of clothing that you would expect like the servant of like a baron would wear. So it's like a velveteen suit. Sweet. What the? And you guys have heard of like clockwork automatons

before and this guy just looks like one owned by a rich person and again looks like he could have been built by a gnome kind of makes sense that he would approach Would you like to greet everyone? Greetings! I am Tick Tock the mechanical man

servant of Baron Pezzlegig Please step carefully these rocks can be sharp. I am TikTok. Hello, TikTok. Are you magical or mechanical? I am a mechanical man. Who built you?

I was built by the Baron Puzzlegig inside. Come, come. He will regale you with true stories. Yeah, I bet. So he goes ahead and walks to... Dr. Ewod? Oh, Dr. Ewod. How could I forget that?

Is it Ewod or Ewod? Dr. Ewod. Dr. Ewod. He's got some attitude. Ewod. Oh, God. You are escorted across the port Cullis by Tick Tock who acknowledges

that yes, you are running late. He tells you, you're going to Hurry! Hurry! There are meats inside! Refreshments! And also a party game. And a game! Which Tick Tock leads you to a room that has a small table in the center of it and what looks

like sort of kitchen fixings around the edge of the room uh when the five of you walk in the door magically slams shut behind you and you hear mechanical grinding as if it is locking shut. You notice in the center of the room, the small table has four glasses, all filled with whiskey. And there is a small plaque on the table that I will now give you handouts for. Is TikTok still in the room? He sure is. Pass that around, would you?

I like games. This is, he explains, a party game that everyone else who has already showed up has already gone through. He is inviting you to partake as part of the festivities. The other people who total 20, including you, are already dining, but TikTok insists that you partake in this puzzle. You are late. You are rude. This escape room, if you will, before you head to the main chambers

where the dining is already connected. I just briefly want to take TikTok by the arm and I just want to murmur quietly to him and be like, are you here of your own will and volition? Yes, I am a servant to the Baron Puzzlegig. Is that a choice that you are making? It is what I choose to do. Would you like to read?

Can I be clear that the carriage was late and not us? The carriage that you sent for us? So I don't know about the rude thing. Oh, Darkther, will you never grow up? I was just pointing out. So, TikTok, in your voice, would you like to read for the listener this time what the plaque says? Listen closely. This whiskey needs your attention, and by that, I don't mean your thirst.

It wishes to become a cocktail, so some mixing will be needed first. Volcanoes need dashes of fair island sweetness. Storms need the twist of a fruit for completeness. To exit, you'll need to be as sly as a fox, or your fate could quite simply end up on the rocks. You notice there is a table full of spices and cayennes and curries. There is a table full of fruits. There is a table full of other alcohols. And there is a table full of savory dishes like beets and breads. In the center of the room, there are four glasses with whiskey in them. In the center of the room, there are four glasses with whiskey in them.

So we need to mix up some cocktails? Does anybody have a connection to volcanoes at all in this room? No. Not me. Hmm. Hmm. hmm hmm well we're gonna start it off with a bang everybody do an investigation

check would like to point out that I haven't had a drink in a while kicking it off with a one. Dr. Ewan. I rolled a 16. Nine. Ewan!

I got a seven. 16. So, uh, Queep. Yes. Which table you want to focus on first? Any in particular? The savories, the fruits, the... The savories. You notice that there's a lot of grilled meat.

It looks like it's sort of been salted and left out. And there's raw meat in beds of ice. Is there a place to cook? No. Want to look at another table? Yes. Which one? The spices.

Did she say there were spices? Mm-hmm. the spices. Did she say there were spices? You notice there are a series of containers, all of them glass, all of them labeled. It's like I said, curries, peppers, ground peppers.

Various combinations have already been mixed. And there are a few raw peppers separated from the fruits table that are sitting on a bed of ice. Are the other people eating? We can't see them. There's no other people here.

They're in another chamber somewhere. We're in an escape room. Would you like to look at the next table? Yes. Which one? Do you want to look at the... Did TikTok leave? No, he's just standing here staring at you.

I know the answer. I am not allowed to play. So it is like a riddle. Yeah. I didn't come all the way into town for a goddamn game! You notice the fruits are all laid out.

Some of them have been cut. Some of them have been diced. And some of them are in beds of ice. Are there plates? No. It's just the glasses of whiskey and all these ingredients. I cast zone of truth on TikTok.

Awesome. Awesome. All right. So pull that up. Zone of truth. Awesome. All right, so, pull that up. Zone of Truth, all right. Now everyone's gonna have to bear with me while I figure out the meaning of this class. We're gonna try to really get these spells right.

Can I help? You create a magical zone that guards against deception in a 15-foot radius sphere centered on a point within range. So you're casting it on him, so right where he's standing. I'm going to see if he... I think he gets some kind of saving throw. I'm checking that right now. I remember that it said that he knows that it's happening,

so he can choose to speak evasively, but I was hoping that due to his mechanical... Charisma saving throw. Roll it, Tick Tock. Roll it. You have a 10 charisma, so no bonus to your charisma. Would that work on an automaton?

Here, move your thing so I can do it right. Ooh, 18. Yeah, he beats... So that means means let's see Until the spell ends a creature that enters the spells area for the first time on a turn or Starts its turn there must make a charisma saving throw on a failed save creature can't speak a deliberate lie You know whether each creature succeeds or fails. So you know that he kind

of braces himself against it when you cast. Do I know that she cast it? Yes. Haha, Halcine! I like what you tried! Well, I was just going to ask you for, you know, you seem like you like games. I do like games. Can you give us a hint about this game?

Read the words. Alessia takes a deep breath and tries not to come back with something annoyed to that. And yes, she reads the words again. Okay. And she does, while doing so, with the impetus of this hint, she's going to do another insight check. Do an insight check. Insight? Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

of this hint she's gonna do an insight check insight okay yeah yeah you have a plus three to your insight 19 uh you feel like there must be one simple word that's easy to overlook or one simple phrase one simple focus focal point can i this is based off the just blunt sort of cheeriness coming from tiktok can i detect magic in this room yes you can i'd love to all right i'm just gonna take a look around hope i drink up like a test tube you get a magical aura from the whiskey and also the door the door we came in

also tick tock say the tables again how many there's four whiskeys. Oh, the tables of, yeah, sorry. Fruit. Fruits, peppers, meats. Do we see anything that looks like a volcano?

You think that might be a reference to the spicy stuff, but there's no mini volcano in the room. Okay. Are there glasses that we can make? Yeah, there's glasses of whiskey. On a small round table in the the room. Okay. Are there glasses that we can... Yeah, there's glasses of whiskey. On a small round table in the same room. Right, but are there empty glasses, too, that we can do mixing?

I think we're supposed to put something in each, in the whiskeys, maybe? So we put a spicy thing. I'll put some fruit in one of them. Put some ice in one. Put some meat in one. Well, the meat doesn't follow. I'm trying to find that out.

You guys have never had meat daiquiris? I examined the exit. There's one exit door? Can I look at the exit door? Yes. Do an investigation check. The exit door is glowing. Yeah.

Magically, right? 19. There appears to be a heavy magical lock on the door. You're not sure what it is. But it is there are sort of gnomish engineering locks involved. As long as it's not one of the Boston Dynamics

things. Oh boy. Man, they give me the creeps. You guys gonna try adding anything to the drinks? Yeah, I'm gonna put some chili in one of the whiskeys. Nothing happens. When you put chili in, nothing happens. In one of them. Okay, we put chili in one, we put fruit in another.

You put fruit in another one and nothing happens. Do we have to take sips of these things? Maybe. Anything else? Let's see. There's gonna be like three episodes of us in a glass I know yeah TikTok can say whatever he wants

he's free will for the party you must make yourself a drink oh make yourself a drink like make a drink that is me or am I overthinking it just make a drink? Like make a drink that is me? Or am I overthinking it? Just make a drink?

That's why I asked about if anyone had volcanoes. It wishes to become a cocktail. And a volcano is a type of cocktail, right? I don't know. I love this. I thought the storms might be a reference. I told the Baron, this was too hard.

I begged him this is bullshit you've tried putting fruit and peppers in two of these whiskeys I need a drink I'm gonna put some ice in another one you put ice in one

and the whiskey disappears and it turns into a small velvet pouch cool I take the pouch uh huh what's in Cool. I take the pouch? Uh-huh. What's in the pouch?

Inside the pouch, you find 10 gold pieces and 20 diamonds. Jesus. Jesus. It goes to write it down. I'm going to put a piece of meat in one of the whiskey glasses. Nothing happens. I put ice in another one of the glasses.

It transforms into a velvet pouch. I take the pouch. Inside is 10 gold pieces and 20 more diamonds. We put ice in each. Each one transforms into a pouch holding 10 gold pieces and 20 diamonds each. I have 40

gold pieces and 80 diamonds. Wait, why do you have all of them? I was the only one who did it I I was helping I was jumping in on the third one would have been mine. I see how seen I try to nab all of it Yeah, all right. No, I give him a pouch. Okay Just him whoever who wants a pouch. I thought we might need to figure this out. It seemed like First also when the fourth one transforms the door unlocks and slides open. All right.

You solved it. Don't know how we did it. We just put ice in there, but that's cool. What was the trick? You had to put ice in there. The last line explains it. That's it. I was disappointed that the alcohol disappeared.

But the other stuff doesn't mean anything. I thought it was like a threat. Like we would get thrown down the mountain. It's all misdirection. And it was a reference to ice. Okay, so we go through the door? Sure. So the door is the same door that you came in.

It was all just a fun little party game prepared by the Baron. And TikTok walks you across the hall up a staircase this time. Use the railing, please. One time a woman slipped and broke her leg here. Yes, Brian? Were we each supposed to get one of the pouches? You get the feeling it was supposed to be like party favors for each of you, yeah.

I toss them to everybody. I got some earbuds. What's in them? Each of you gets 10 gold pieces and 20 diamonds. You feel like this is part of the riches you were promised in the Baron's letter. Halcine, where are you from? What is your background? Very forward.

I'm really from, I'm kind of from all over. Not an answer. 10 gold pieces, 20 diamonds. 10 gold pieces 20 diamonds 10 gold pieces 20 diamonds yeah if you got a pencil get to work so you guys head up some stairs up into the main observatory where you see

a variety of characters most of them humans and elves there's a couple of dwarves and you are greeted by the Baron himself the honorary of characters, most of them humans and elves. There's a couple of dwarves. And you are greeted by the Baron himself, the Honorary Baron of Peppergreen, Nibbin Dairy Waxel Pezzlegig. He walks over and he has sort of golden brass braces on his legs. He's kind of hobbling. He looks like he can't really walk without the braces, and the braces seem to be very

complicated in nature. I kind of fall in behind him. And he introduces himself and he says, hello, thank you so much for coming. Oh boy. I can't express enough how excited I am to see all of you. I can't get out of this observatory. I mostly came here to hear about your adventures.

Thank you so much. Can't you see our adventures from your observatory? Thank you for hosting. This is a beautiful party. Yes, I promise there's much more treasures to await you. I'm so grateful. I really am. I hope you enjoyed the party game.

You were very late. I did everything I could to get you here on time. I'm real sorry. But I'll try to make it up to you. He said it was your fault. That one. It's totally my fault. Sour boy.

Of course. I've heard about the sour boy. I've heard about his reputation. And that's why I invited him. He's like a really good sour boy. You're good at you're good at stabbing and stuff, though. Right. Right.

I guess. Sour boy. You know, the robot. Was right. But I am TikTok. You also cop to it. So I'm cool. If you're cool. Well, of course, I'm cool. I'm just excited to see you also cop to it so i'm cool if you're cool well of course i'm cool

i'm just excited to see you thank you so much oh man um and uh yeah he he actually apologizes to you like 10 more times dark there it's all right uh and um he gets the impression i'm mad dog tick tock uh he hands each of you guys. You've ever been to prison. I give you prison eyes. Yeah. Yeah. What's up?

I see you dark. Hello. First, actually, he walks over to you, TikTok, and he thanks you profusely. He gets the impression you guys did not enjoy the party game. And he tells you she tried to steal all of it. Oh, man. I was worried that was going to happen. You know what? That's one way to look at it. The other way is that I solved the puzzle and then

took the pouches and then distributed them to everybody. You know, I tried to break it up so you guys would be coming to carriages that were based on even amounts of honor and dishonor, and I guess I didn't do that great job. One of you was... I don't want to say dishonorable, but like not what I expected. So,

uh, thanks so much for trying the game. Um, here's some bottles of vintage whiskey for each of you. Uh, you'll notice they're, they're in a protective, uh,

sort of slip cover in case you're adventuring and you know, like you bang into it a bunch and won't shatter. Uh, so enjoy. It is really good whiskey. Here you go. And it gives each of you guys a bottle of what looks like extremely expensive whiskey. Nice. Thank you. Um, you guys each you guys a bottle of what looks like extremely expensive whiskey nice thank you um you guys you guys are able to partake in some uh very fancy meats at this point

as well as some uh booze that is not just in a gifted wrapped bottle you notice looking at the other adventurers that they all look like you know they, they're solid level tens. There, there, there's some real, uh, grizzly looking people there. Some, uh, some guys who look like they've seen even more shit than you have. This also looks like it.

Really? Yeah. But we're not right. We're, we're, yeah, you guys are, you guys are reasonable adventures and you,

you adventurers and, um, you feel like you have some old school dudes that you're rubbing elbows with. Okay. And it kind of, again, sort of lends itself to the air of authenticity of this crazy rich gnome who invited you here. You do look up to and you see this observatory's ceiling is magically open so you can see the sky. And you get the impression that a lot of things happen here through telescopes and other sort of celestial measurement devices as you look around the room and there's a lot of just gold uh mechanisms designed to look at the sky and record scientific facts at one point um

the baron sits down and he encourages everybody to get up and tell tales of their adventures. And a couple of people do. A couple of people talk about slaying beholders with their bare hands, being in a group that felled black dragons. Would any of you care to take advantage of the situation? At a certain point, you guys are all at the sort of latecomers table, and you can tell the Baron's kind of eyeing you guys like, comers table and you can tell the Baron is kind of eyeing you guys like any he won't

stop TikTok is sort of stuck at the kids table with you guys anyway we're so shy this new group and it's fine if you don't want to get up there's not much for me to tell but I will go oh oh oh you guys

I have a very special you've been so kind you've been so generous to tell the stories my personal servant is going to get up there and he's going to say something give it up for TikTok everybody the mechanical man I'm TikTok the the Mechanical Man, servant of Baron Puzzlegig. I help him... Thank you.

That's the Baron clapping all by himself. Everyone kind of stares at him. Embarrassing, just the one. I help the Baron lift things. I lift the Baron. I dress the Baron. I wash the Baron. I'm TikTok. And TikTok has a seat at the table I asked the Baron did you build

him by yourself completely he hears you say that and he kind of scurries over to your table and he says do you care to ask that one more time I'm sorry I kind of don't want to like let's just say spoil the secret of TikTok amongst mixed company I'm sure i just was curious if you were responsible for building

him by yourself up here or did you have uh workers help but it's very impressive i'll be honest with you um tiktok is sort of a treasure that i found um and i don't like the word to get out uh but i may as well i may as well as well start revealing it a little bit. He's very special. And I sort of, I don't want to call him a rescue, but he's a very good friend. Who rescued who? So yeah, he seems to be very humble about the whole TikTok thing and honest and earnest and all that stuff. Where did you find him?

He notices everyone seems a little concerned and he says, oh, find him? Let's just say sort of a curious market in Peppermint. Like a flea market

kind of thing sure like an underground barter system like a no no it's all in the up and up it's above ground front front front front uh sales room fascinating dark that rolls his eyes and uh yeah, he notices the more he's talking to your table, the more there's just sort of chatter is happening. And he realizes he kind of needs to get to the point. It's starting to get dark. You're starting to see some things. I'm starting to get Darkthir.

Everybody do a perception check, please. 15. 11. please 15 11 13 17 plus whatever oh nice whatever I mean 19 plus some stuff you have a plus 3 bonus 20 a creep once again you notice something kind of interesting all of you realize this is a magically enhanced roof in not just a way where it's transparent against the elements, but you can see sort of through what would normally be a masked night sky with faint elements of cloud and atmosphere is now crystal clear. And you can see nebula. You can see more stars than you normally would be able to. And Queep, you're the first one in the room to notice you look around and your eye catches on what looks like an extremely bright new moon um uh it it almost seems to be quivering and bright uh

it almost seems to be quivering and bright. Uh, is, is, uh, is our host still at the table? He, he looks like he's actually starting to walk over towards the main podium. I want to ask him about that new body in the sky.

you call after him and he, here's your question. And he kind of raises a, he gets like a grim look on his face and he's kind of puts a finger up. And it's like, well, uh, he, He gets like a grim look on his face, and he kind of puts a finger up. He gets to the podium, and he addresses you directly, Queep. He says, Queep, you've noticed.

Yes, this is a very special night indeed. I would not invite so many people for such an occasion if not to show you something very special. for such an occasion, if not to show you something very special. You see, something very, very, let's call it unfortunate, has happened. There has been a, let's call it a celestial object summoned in the direction of Fair Clottenheim. Clottenheim. He looks over to Dr. Uyghur and goes, yeah, so, yeah.

But I have good news. I have spent decades bracing myself for this spell. I have heard tell long ago that this spell might have already been the beginnings of being cast. So my observatory is capable of unseating itself from Mount Hook. So we're going to try that. I've also got some magical barriers that should be able to brace us from impact. But yeah, there's going to be an impact into Clottenheim from that thing.

It's called a comet. And I'm very sorry. Bad news. You guys can't leave. Something real bad is about to happen. Are we about to ride a rocket ship into outer space? He gets a really flustered look on his face. And he starts kind of lifting up the panel of the podium.

And you see he's playing with a bunch of levels? And he looks at you, tick tock. And he goes, I'm so sorry. Why friend? I'm so sorry. Uh,

if I told you, I don't know what you would have done. And he's, and, um, as he starts flipping, you never noticed a control panel under a hidden thing. I mean,

I installed it, but I, Oh, uh, what were you? You realize? Yeah. This is all stuff that you had sort of seen before but weren't on weren't sure

what the function was you'd assumed it was maybe for yeah i never thought to question it and yeah he starts flipping some switches so is the comet what do you think the comet's gonna do destroy the continent or just the city uh the whole room shakes a little bit and he he i mean there's all sorts of people sort of yelling at him at this point. What is your question specifically you want to ask? Well, I guess I stop him from using the controls right now. You're going to try to just... Yeah, I'm going to try to stop him and be like, you know, you got to explain more before you take us away

from our friends and family and homes. Do a dexterity check. Twelve. 12. So you managed to pull him away from the controls. The room at this point is shaking a little bit. I'm watching him. Is he okay? He's okay.

In fact, when you start, when you get a good grip on him and pull him away, he looks startled, but like he's not going to fight back. And he says, yeah, I don't know how to put this, but it's too late, too powerful. I did my best to stop it and put whatever wheels of motion

I could to stop it, but it's too late. What are we in? What is this? The observatory? Yes. It's going to be sort of, let's call it an arc for survival. Do we need to grab hold of something right now? Yeah, that's a good idea.

Do we see the thing coming? Mm-hmm. At this point, everybody is pretty clear that the quivering sort of second moon in the sky is getting larger. It's coming right towards us. Uh-huh. What are we supposed to grab onto? Is there a room for us?

He kind of looks at you, Halcyon, and he's like, let me just flip some switches. It's for everyone's safety. Okay, as he does that, I'm going to pray to my god for guidance. Do a religion check. Thirteen.

You just feel a sense of additional unease. I'm going to look out the window out of the woods. I'm going to think about all my stuff. So he starts flipping some more levers and you guys... Are there chairs? Yeah, like the chairs are suddenly magnetically bolt, have like sort of bolted themselves to the ground.

And there are a series of railings that appear on all the tables that just sort of flip up from the edge. Kind of like how Brian's got this table here. Imagine just sort of like steel bars going like up at the sides of every table. Sounds dangerous. I tell everybody to start lash themselves to something. Wait, TikTok, does nothing in your background let you know there's a way to stop this comment?

I did not know about this. No, I know, but maybe dig deep within your mysterious former self. He is also apologizing every spare glance he can towards TikTok. He just keeps saying he's so sorry.

TikTok, look inside your memories and see if you know anything about this comment and how to stop it. Do a wisdom check, TikTok. I'll do a wisdom check. With the plus zero, it's a three. Yeah, I mean, you just sort of stare blankly back at her.

I know what you're asking. I don't have that. You're like a mysterious mechanical man that appeared at a marketplace. So I thought maybe you had some you know uh foreign so are we supposed to acknowledge it looks very large now um i know i'm looking at him is your idea that we survive this and fight back or just survive uh survival step one uh i don't know what how bad this is gonna look but the magical barrier should completely protect us and we should be we're not rising as fast as i was hoping um i don't know if it's because i was stopped uh mid you know sort of ritual here but

uh do what i can here man where the observatory is the plan where is the plan you have a plan where is the plan he kind of points at his head taps his finger against his temple It's all up here. Where's this flying restaurant going? Up. Yes. Dot dot dot. Where's up? He flips a few more switches and goes oh shit. And the whole thing starts tilting sideways.

Hold on. Anyone grabbing on? Yes grabbing on. All right everybody do a constitution saving throw, please. Oops. 11. 2. 15. 12.

4. All right. So you guys see the sky sort of filled with bright light. And we're all dead. That's season three, everybody. Very loud sort of humming noise happens. And then impact, you guys. So the whole room just sort of fills with light.

so the whole room just sort of fills with light and you hear a crash and that's it everything gets real quiet and everything stays white just bright white light as all we see what do we here now so we didn't take off we're in heaven are we in a room with each other

oh shit is everybody dead what's going on you can't just be quiet you've been watching too much The Good Place. Was that a TPK? Are you waiting for something to load? Wait, we can talk to each other.

Yeah. Can we hear each other? Yeah, because he's not saying stop talk. Oh, here comes the blast. He's just chewing Skittles. That's because the blast is coming. You hear a dripping sound. Oh, okay.

So we hear something. Everything is still white. Damn. When you say dripping, you mean like water or something about to break? I'm trying to figure out where is the dripping coming from? Everybody huddle up. Everything is white. You can't see anyone. You can't speak.

We can hear each other. No. Just hear dripping. Can we move? Can I feel my body? You have all taken six points of frost damage. Do another constitution check, everybody.

21. 15. Jesus Christ. 15. Six. I like the cold. It's refreshing. Six. I like the cold. It's refreshing. Six.

So, doctor. Yes. With great effort, you blink your eyes and you're able to open them again. Opening eyes. And you see your face at least you don't know where your body is your face is suspended above some sort of small room the dripping seems to be coming from different places it almost looks like you're in some sort of cavern and you you see what looks like a motionless figure kind of slumped in the corner.

After your eyes adjust a little bit, you realize you're sort of stuck to the ceiling. And you look kind of back and forth a little bit with great effort. Your face is able to kind of turn and you see some of your friends are all kind of like stuck to the ceiling in ice by our feet, by your backs and torsos. All of their heads are a little turned the wrong way. Do another constitution check, everybody. It had to be constitution. Huh?

I went to start this with multiple constitution. Yeah. 20, 22. Damn. What'd you get Blaine? 17. So Blaine,

I got a one. You get your upper torso free. Uh, you managed to just sort of jostle around and, um, uh, tick tock, queep.

You get your heads free too and you blink awake. You three do some perception checks. Me? No, you're still out. You rolled a one. You're iced. Seventeen. Fifteen. Seven. Tick tock.

Dr. Uwud. You feel like one mighty strength check you could knock yourself out of this. How far down is the floor? It's only about 10 feet down. I'll do it. Go for it. 22.

Crack. You managed to free yourself and sort of thud against the floor. Okay, I wait for a second. Does anything else... Do I hear anything else? What was your perception check? 15. Yeah, nothing yet.

I rolled a 15 to get out. Yep, you're out. Ka-chunk. I'm like... Everybody else, you manage to wake up, but you're stuck in the ceiling. You kind of look down at these guys, and they're walking around. I'll try and break free.

All right, you three do another strength check. Seven. Not me? Yeah, at this point, you're finally able, after these guys start mowing around a little bit. 17. Mm-hmm. 19.

Oh, plus so 21. Queep, who is real hot shit back at the observatory, is the last one stuck in the ceiling as the rest of you guys kind of punch over and over again and manage to thud against the ground.

Everybody except Queep do a perception check. and over again and managed to thud against the ground. Everybody except Queep do a perception check. How stuck in there is he? He's still pretty stuck. I'm going to use my thorn whip and try to whip him out of that ice. Go for it.

Two. At least I didn't hit him. Really? Try to break free again? Yeah, do one more strength check and then we'll see if you're still stuck in the ceiling. Jesus. Wait, can we see the bright red

bird man? You do. You see him and after you walk around, you also notice the slumped over shape. It does not appear to be a humanoid type that you've seen before. I want him. We want to get him out first. All right.

And you see to the southwest, there appears to be a tunnel leading away. And we're going to call it there. That's the first episode of the new campaign, you guys. Thanks for listening. Thanks for sponsoring us on Patreon. Or if you're not, please do. And if you don't, thanks for listening anyway.

That's the spirit. Blaine, we appreciate you guys. Regardless of your financial situation and means, we're delighted we get to do this for a show. Yeah, man. It's been fun, and I'm excited about these new characters. BrianPassane.com for tour dates. I'm going to a bunch of cool places.

I'll be in Austin coming up. I'll be San Francisco in March, Hawaii in March, on the island of Oahu, a little place called Blue Note. I haven't been there yet. I think that's what it's called. I'll look it up.

But anyway. Oahu's got great fish tacos. You got a bunch of good stuff there, you fucking idiot. Thanks for listening. Thanks for listening to another episode of Nerd Poker. You can follow us at patreon.com slash nerdpoker, and you get bonus episodes from there.

And you can also send us anything at P.O. Box 16069 Encino, California 91416 Thanks for listening.