Nerd Poker - Episode 10 - Hall Raid

Episode Date: March 27, 2019

A plan is hatched to free the city of Boazor, but funny thing about plans. There is sneaking in the night. Blood is spilled. And, at the end of the episode, Boazor's biggest secret may be revealed.

Hey everybody, I'm Brian Poussin, Comedian, writer, actor, nerd. I've been playing D&D with my friends for a long time. I decided to do a new podcast where we play Dungeons & Dragons in my very own dining room. With my wife, kid, and my noisy dogs. So meet my friends Sarah, Ken, Dan, Blaine, Chris. Now it's time for another episode of Brian Poussin's Nerd Poker. Season three. Hey, everybody.

I'm Brian Poussin, and you're listening to Brian Poussin's Nerd Poker. Episode 10 of season three. We did it. We did it. Thank you. Good night, everybody. America. Dicks. My friends are here. What did it. Thank you. Good night, everybody. Dicks.

My friends are here. What? Chris. Hi. French for Ted. Dicks. Sarah. Hello.

Ken. Hi. Dan. Hey there. Blaine. Hey there. And at the end of the table, Sam. Hi, everyone.

Hi, Sam. Hey, Sam. Hi, Sam. Before we get into it, I've got some donors from I was just in Austin At the great Cap City Comedy Club One of my favorite clubs And they know they're one of my favorite cities

Because every time I perform there I tell them that And I only say that in two other places Everywhere else I tell them to fuck themselves from the beginning of the show through the end that seems excessive yeah that's not fun for you either no no that would be bad i heard your bookings are really dropping that's no way to be a pro i mean no way to treat a lady no way to treat your baby, your woman, your friend. Dear NerdPoker, here's $100 from your old fans in Austin. What?

They've contributed before. They're regular listeners and all that. Impavidus. Can you read this? What? Impavidus. How would you pronounce that? Impavidus. you read this what impavitous how would you pronounce uh impavitous impavitous goldfrapp silu opal hitana and avani uh recently we saw some bands at ye old paladinos oh nice

uh moby grapeleaf a bald elf who does psychedelic electronica. I like Moby Grapeleaf. And Gentle Hill Giant, a prog rock band of ogre hippies. And Run NPC, a rap band that gives PCs clues when they make successful interrogate roles. Thanks, guys, and Pavidus and your friends. I'd also like to thank a few Patreon contributors. I got one more, too. What am I doing?

Nathan Lehey. Is it Lehey or Lehey? Yeah. Two A's. Lehey, I say. Nathan Lehey wrote a real nice note saying how listening to us while his drive entertained him, and then he got his wife into it,

and she punched him in the face. Oh. Oh, no, no. Huh? Despite my wife wanting to punch me in the face once or twice during a boss encounter. He's DMing, and he also says, I'll read this. despite my wife wanting to punch me in the face once or twice during a boss encounter. He's DMing, and he also says, I'll read this.

Dan, look, I look forward to many more adventures, and hopefully not as much spousal abuse due to unlucky rolls. Keep it up. I've enjoyed every single episode, Dan. The shit you come up with and the amount of lore you create astounds this new DM, you come up with and the amount of lore you create astounds this new DM, and I hope that I can become as detailed and in-depth as some of your story elements have gotten. Enclosed is some cash for the next food run, pay up, bottle of whiskey, treats for Mavis, a new Casio for Rhodes,

or however else you see fit to spend it. Your first time DM at 33 from Austin, Texas. Nathan, hey, thanks, Nathan. Yay. Good job, Nathan. Thanks, guys. Those are great. An uncomfortable amount of compliments that I enjoyed.

Thank you. Here's something else I enjoy thanking Patreons. You're a really good shitty DM. Aw, thank you. That means a lot. You've called another really talented person a shitty DM, so I take That means a lot. You've called another really talented person a shitty DM, so I take it as a compliment. Thank you, Mill Wookie.

Thank you, Mill Wookie. Thank you, does this... You're the finest. Thank you, does this smell like chloroform to you? Thank you, does this smell like chloroform to you? Thank you, Boner Dog Don. I just call him Don.

Thank you, Scott Astrup. Thanks, BonerDogDon. Thank you, Jack Francis. Thanks, Jack Francis. Oh, it was... Whoa, Jack Francis. I think BonerDog is a reference to my book, but maybe it's something else. Maybe you need to reread your book and count the Boner Dog is a reference to my book, but maybe it's something else.

Maybe you need to reread your book and count the Boner Dog references before you take full credit for that one. There's like six Boner Dog stories. Thank you. TikTok's Mechanical Boy Parts. Oh. Somebody made that their Patreon name.

TikTok's Mechanical Boy Parts. I like it. The clock waits. I'm a real boy. Uh-oh. Oh, no. I'm starting to feel myself be possessed by my DM intro voice I feel it in my tummy What am I going to do I feel like you need to

This is the scene where we start going down This is a great I'll show you insane It's great But we still get to complain It's a cut scene Ya great. Here it is. We still get to complain. It's a cut scene. Ya boys in Clottenheim.

No, I didn't like that, though. I'm from the street now. Ya boys... No, God, I can't keep that up. Oh, boy. Our heroes hid behind the Temple of LaRue, attempting to healing. Makes plain laugh. That's why I laughed. Is it LaRue? LaRue, attempting to healing. That makes Plain laugh. That's why I laugh.

Is it LaRue? LaRue. It's L-U-R-U-E, an actual god from Dungeons and Dragons. That sounds hilarious, and I had hoped would get a similar reaction to the one it received. You went to the Temple of LaRue in the north end of Bazaar. Not how you pronounce this city. It's Bazaar. But you camped out. You hung out. You heard

some weird voices. You figured out Thagas wanted retribution for Doug Thug's death and you snuck up on the little Chewbacca fake prisoner bullshit on some bugbears and a bullwug.

You had sex with them. I don't remember that part. Back up. I remember every time I fuck a bullywug. I think you kept watching after we fell asleep. With great cleverness you established a plan

wherein TikTok would take a sniper position while the rest of you faked Halcyon as a prisoner. And it almost was really good, but the shatter spell that Halcyon cast didn't quite kill everyone immediately. It did some damage, and then eventually people were executed, including a face melt by

Halcyon, a bullywug getting fucked up. There's just one bugbear left on his knees. One of his Achilles tendons bleeding hardcore while his friends lay dead in the streets. It is midday.

What do you do? All his friends are dead. Are you going to question him? All his friends are dead. I will cross over and pick up that executioner's axe. I cast Zone of Truth on that guy. Oh, all right. Zone of Truth.

Time to look up the rules. All right, Zone of Truth. We're looking at some 200 extra bonus points. If you get this next... I forget. Did that guy just quit his job in the middle of that? Yeah, sorry. I was checking out these scratch-offs.

All right. $50,000. Hello, Corvette. He makes a charisma saving throw. He fails. On a failed save, a creature can't speak a deliberate lie while in the radius. He's aware of the spell. Can you avoid answering questions which he would normally respond with a lie?

He would be evasive, but he has to be within the boundaries of truth, so ask away, guys. Now, Mr. Cohen. Whoa! Goodbye. It's fresh as today's headlines. Yeah, that's going to be great. Three weeks. Happy St. Patrick's Day, everybody.

Judge Ito, do you find that these... What would Leto do with the dancing? Dancing Itos. Who's going to ask the first question? Where is Thuggis? He kind of like sneers. Would you rather die or would you rather answer some questions? Did you see these hands?

Do an intimidation check. Oh no. You know what? Roll with advantage. Cause he's, he's in like a horrible position. Okay. That one is a 13.

I love what Brian just did. I just look up and there's just smoke everywhere. What did I miss again? It's mist. It's not smoke. Teach a charm sketch. He says. Is it?

Yeah, it is. It's not real. It's vape smoke. Boy, that smells like Los Angeles a yeah he sneers hard and says

basement city hall what is thogus well large round thing all right kill him stop What is Thogas? Well, a large round thing. All right, kill him. What? Stop.

Does he have mind powers? Very powerful. Where did he come from? Underground. Who's his boss? No one boss. Stogus is boss. What's his weakness?

Men. Please don't say Ferrari Roachers. And here's where I break it. There it was. Mind of my business. The bugbear is rapping. Yeah. What is the question? I got so delighted by hip hop.

He kind of shrugs. What is his relationship to, what's the wizard's name? You don't know either. You know he's nicknamed the Tenebrous one. What is his relationship to the Tenebrous one? Kind of shrugs. Why does Dogus always hide? He like to.

Say it again? He like to hide. He likes to hide. How does he feel about sunlight? He out in sunlight once, I think. Does he pay you? Yes. How was the interview process?

Long, protracted, do background check, ask about college diploma. Where were you when the comment hit? He blinks hard. He says, Where were you when the comet hit? He blinks hard. He says, in the north of Silverhenny Woods. Oh,

maybe you guys knew each other. Silverhenny Woods, huh? Yeah. I have a place up there. I did anyway. It was nice. I had a place up there. I did anyway. It was nice. I had a boat. All kinds of stuff.

It's all gone now. It's all gone. Maybe I took your stuff. I take stuff sometimes. And he kind of laughs. I'm going to zone out and just watch something in my head while you guys figure out who's gonna do this

are we done with him how many are guarding Thogus uh he winces hard again he doesn't want to talk I step on his hand do an intimidation check with advantage he explodes what's your point of smashing damage I step on his hand. Do an intimidation check with advantage. He explodes.

What's your point of smashing damage on a hand? It's better-ish. 11. Not great. Yeah, he grits his teeth hard. I'm going to fly up and hover over him and poop on his head very lightly, like little bird poops. You say it's like little bird poops, but it's not.

You're a big man. These are big man poops. This is horrible. You just shit on him. He just kind of is like... How do you like that? He just like braces himself waiting for it to end. I feel like this is taking this

group to a level of intimacy that we were ready for and we wanted. I'm trying to come up with a clay-ache and clo-ache joke. I'll cut his throat. He's done. I'm saying, do you want to... He still hasn't answered how many

people are gardening. How many? How many are gardening? I want to know. You need to tell me an action you're doing with this. Intimidating. How are you doing it? Because that's going to determine how difficult it is. You can say it, but that's what other people have been doing. And if you keep it that simple, it's going to be a lot harder than if you do some physical action.

I can't believe pooping at him didn't intimidate him. Maybe if you tell him who your mother is. Queen Dratlana. Anybody put the knife up to his neck? Yeah, he was right about to cut his throat.

I have a dagger out. Well, you're actually going to use the executioner's axe, weren't you? Yeah, I had that. He's covered in bird shit.

He felt a little rote. He had a knife to his throat. Okay. It's actually uric acid. As your last words come clean, how many are guarding him? Do intimidation with advantage. Oh, except this time,

take your bong and point it towards the dice tray. Okay. You get a second roll, though. What the fuck? double botch really yeah we shall see that's crazy okay i say one more can i have that was pretty nuts he's still he's still alive i mean i Triple! Triple bye. Okay, I will pull up. Someone loan Brian a 20. Nine ones! The dice leaped on the die.

It was a mimic the whole time. Fish it out, fish it out. Brian was a mimic? Yeah, so what are you trying to do with this? 18. That would have been interesting. That's eight ones.

It's just roll six, six, six. And then we all die. I'll warm up the Executioner's Axe next time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, he's definitely looking like he's reached the pits of despair. So it's going to be a high DC, whatever you try. I will let you go if you

tell us how many people are in the basement. Alright, that is going to be a persuasion check. I have a persuasion check. Do you just roll one? No. Is it a one party? Persuasion check brought to you by... Ten. Oh, never mind. But you can roll one? No. Is it a one party? 10.

Oh, never mind. You can roll one more time. You can have advantage on him when he's in this position, but you have to have a different tactic or it won't count. Oh, shit. 19. I have proficiency. What do you want to know?

How many people are guarding Thagas? Out front, there are guards for me, I think. Other things inside me no want to touch. Scary. Don't know how many. The brain things? No, not brain thing. Just one brain thing.

Oh. Ignite time guy. Okay. What's his name? Oh, hang on while DM look that up real quick. It have name with lots of consonants. You're incredibly well spoken. I feel like you're choosing not to use all of your language.

Oh, brain thing name Fugglesnucht. You were wrong. Our DM's really outdoing himself with the names this time around. Yeah, you haven't even looked at what all the shops are named in Bozar. I can't wait for that to happen. Didn't we just kill a guy named Dougfuck?

And the swollen port in a row. Too much already. Darksir knows the names of them, so anytime he needs a different shop, I can tell you. I feel like Darkthor knows the names of him so anytime he needs a different shop I can tell you okay so you were in the middle of questions yeah well I told him I'd let him go if he answered

okay so you let him go I mean I let him go yeah you guys see Hal seen help him to one foot and he tries to hop away what? no I promised to let him go I didn't say anything about anybody else so I that's why I'm telling you guys in real time I said if he told us how many people were guarding away. What? No. I promised to let him go. I didn't say anything about anybody else.

That's why I'm telling you guys in real time. I said if you told us how many people were guarding I will chop him with the executioner's axe. Because you never told us how many people. He just did. Oh, what did he say? Four guys up front. There's something else inside that's scary.

I would say he would have thrown this in. I probably meant to say it. He's talking about like the first floor. You know Thargus is in the basement. Okay, listen. I stop TikTok to say one second. And I say to the guy, to the bugbear, I'm like, listen,

you are not going to have an employer anymore. And I think that you can look at us and know that that's true. So we're letting you go. I need you to go in the opposite direction of this town. And if I hear one word about you pillaging, raping, murdering, punching, being rude to people. And she is nosy, so it will get back to

her. And you can't watch the shit out of me. He looks really upset when you go into the getting rude to people. And she is nosy, so it will get back to her. And you can't watch the shit out of me. He looks really upset when you go into the getting rude to people. Like, he's really... You will see us again. Otherwise, maybe just think on your life and make some different choices. By the word of Valkyr, I wish you well. Good day, sir.

What is your name? He turns around. Fog. Fog. Fog or fug? He sighs deeply and says, fug. Be seeing you, fug. Okay, mechanic man. He limps away.

I don't even dignify. He doesn't know the full word mechanical. It's not meant to be some sort of weird dig. I don't even dignify that. He doesn't know the full word mechanical. It's not meant to be some sort of weird dig. I think TikTok is from the village. Okay. Alright, there's a pile of corpses. It's broad daylight. You notice a couple of people peer out of their homes and look at the mess.

Do we care for Hoshinka and churches or shall we go? You are at the doorstep of the Temple of LaRue, it's true. I know, but it feels like our time is short, right? In terms of getting to now we have... You definitely feel like you set off a timer before someone comes to notice that the executioning squad has been... She's probably safer in the temple.

What if we go deal with this Thogus thing? Thogus thinks he has the hour. We still have some surprise to our edge. Yeah. So do it. I was trying. So, Darkthor, you would know that City Hall's got like a big sort of square in front of it, like a park park almost with like a gazebo i think you guys noticed uh when you walked kind of close to it at night that it was in a bit of disrepair but it was dark enough and

far away enough that you in particular with your excellent dark vision wouldn't have gotten a good look at the current state of it but there's like a little park in front of city hall and um you would know the back uh there is a door or there was a door and he seemed to be implying that the guards were mostly up front but you're not sure because you've never been in City Hall what exactly is on the other side of the back door 10 years ago

okay you never went to City Hall Dark there never got a commendation from the mayor never sold the most cookies what are cookies commendation from the mayor. Never sold the most cookies. What are cookies? Oh, poor little dog, Farrah. No one gave him a sweet treat.

I got a sweet treat every Christmas. From your mom. Hmm. She was generous. I wish you could have seen the way Chris shrugged that off. I don't know if TikTok would be offended by this. For some reason, this does not get my hackles up.

It should. He was raised by a single dad. Let's go around the back. So you guys head north, and right now there's no more patrols coming. It's surprisingly easy. You start to try to be stealthy, and you realize, like, oh, yeah, like...

There's nobody here. There's no one around. Is there a back door? Do a perception check, everybody. That's what we were looking for, right? Mm-hmm. Ken, I told you to use my bag. Yeah, Ken, you rolled shit.

Seven. Can't you roll shit? Twenty... Twenty-one. Wow. Twenty-one. God damn. All right, you guys go around the back

and you see the back door is long since been boarded up. There is a marble staircase with giant chunks knocked out of it and there's big wooden planks. They look pretty securely built over the door. You do however notice there are broken windows all along the back.

There also appears to be a patch of dirt next to the back door that has what looks like debris on top of it. Let's check that out. You kind of just kick the debris off of it, and it looks like there is like a cellar door. Oh, cool.

Check for traps. Do an investigation check, won't you? 20 plus. do an investigation check won't you 21 good enough I yeah you don't see any traps it seems like a big flat steel door with an iron ring there or anything there's an iron ring that had like a rock on top of it and you just kind of kick it over and it looks like it was very poorly hidden. Is there a lock? No, it's like a big steel ring. Let's lift it as stealthily as we can. Like you'd see on a bull's nose in a cartoon.

As we're doing this, does it seem like this is an escape hatch? Like could someone from the inside have easily opened that up? Do an insight check. 18. I mean, you think it could definitely be... I mean, have you pulled on it yet? I was going to.

Yeah, I mean, it feels like it could be pushed up. It feels like it's a very easy to open door, but it's heavy in steel. All right. And as you lift it up, it makes a loud grinding noise. I was trying to do it steel all right and as you lift it up it makes a loud grinding noise i was trying to do it as stealthily and as slowly as possible uh do a stealth check it's gonna be real high dc can i assist 20 plus he rolled a natural 20. oh never mind then 26. so it takes like five minutes because you feel the rust in the hinge of this thing.

And it's really heavy, so you need to have them gather around. And as a group, you're trying not to make a loud cranky noise. You get it up, and you manage to fold it over, and there's a short staircase down and a wooden door. Okay. Let's head down, right? Yeah down right yeah somebody else want to go the other way around do we want to like plan this or or just it's a big building

it's a big building like I said it's like the temple of the rue it's like a full city block and so you feel like if you went around you guys would be separated by quite a bit of distance hey let's get in here. I think this is the way. This is the way? All right. This is either we are immediately on top of him or we might get to sneak up. Are you closing the door behind you? No.

Right? Well, it will throw light in, right? Do we like light? You feel like you're in an open street right now and no one's really looking at you, but there were looky-loos when you walked away from the battle. You feel like any minute now someone could just walk around. Close it very quietly, very slowly. Do yet another.

Yeah. Stealth check. You can roll with advantage because they're helping you. He rolled a bocce boo. No, it wasn't. It's a seven. Okay you. He rolled a bocce boo. No, it wasn't. It's a seven. We call that a bocce boo with a thing on top. Roll it again, though. You got advantage.

Yeah. You rolled a 19. 25. Once again, it takes you another five minutes. You don't see anybody as you close it behind you good yeah you get advantage because yeah you're you're a group in a small enclosed area i it it's it's okay

and dark there's a stealthy motherfucker it's pitch black those of you with dark vision can see well um and there is a wooden door you're in a very small kind of uh cellar walkway going up to this door. The stairs descend about 10 steps down, and then there's about five feet in front of it before you hit the door. Should we check for traps? Yeah. Investigation check, somebody. Whoever wants to put their hands on this door

to check for them, roll. How about a 20? Oh, Dr. Ewood rushes for us. Plus a 3. Nothing. No traps? Nope. Shall we? Yeah.

I'll knock an arrow in my bow just in case there's something there. You push the door open and you're immediately rewarded with the stink of rot. It smells like old meat, dead things, maybe even like an ammonia smell. Those of you with dark vision notice there are bins here, sort of big wooden crates with slop in them, and another small staircase leading back up and the other end of this small 20 by 20 foot room.

You appear to be in some sort of room where garbage is sorted. It's a little confusing. Nothing about it seems immediately familiar to any of you. But this is cellar. It's a small cellar room, 20 by 20 feet. And on the other end of the room, there's another staircase leading up.

Get through the room and ascend the stairs. Should we just... Do we need to check out the room any further or should we just up to you I would like to check out the room further investigation check with advantage Thank you so much. I got a 20 on investigation also. Well, one of you is going to lead it. So, yeah, you realize they're sort of sorted into different things.

One of these almost seems like fruit. One of them seems like dead body parts. They're recycling. Yeah, it's almost like compost, but it's really sloppy and bloody, and the body parts, some of them look human. Are they coming from above? You don't see a chute or anything. It looks like... And they're in bins.

They're in big wooden crates with no lid. And the crates look like they've been here for a while. They're kind of stuck to the floor with gristle. Yeah, there's sort of one that looks like plants and fruit, one that sort of looks like body parts and meat, and one of them that just looks like random trash that people sort of cobbled together.

And one looks like just sort of... You rolled a 17. The other one looks like it's maybe shit, but it's got bones in it. I prayed to Belker, and I'm like, please stop Dan from doing this. No, I'm kidding.

What is going on here? What type of... Yeah, do a religion check. Weird ass. Oh, 20. Why don't you ask a more specific question with that kind of role more than what kind of weird ass shit is going on yeah um i guess i'm asking like what type of creature is this and what should we do where What should our path be? You see rain falling,

and in the rain you see a dark shape lurching around. The thing looks very large. You suddenly pull back and see that this thing is pulling other things towards it and you see what looks like a mouth eating and you get the impression that you're being shown some sort of large monster okay so do i get the sense that this is like his waist yes okay you think this might be some sort of feeding and waste, like this is the pantry for a monster. Cool. Alright, guys.

Let's move along then. What is it? What happened? So we're going up the stairs? Or do we want to kill the monster in its pantry? You know, they say don't shit where you eat, but I think... If you look up the stairs, you notice there is another wooden door.

Again, only about 10 feet up. Are there any holes in the ceiling? No, I tried to explain this to Chris a second ago. There's no chutes or anything. I think we've done all we can here. You walk up the stairs and you see there's a trail of viscera that go up and down the stairs. It looks like definitely food or waste has been carried up and down.

Oh, I meant to say, I wonder if you'll let me retcon this because I genuinely, and I think we would have, which was to search the bodies of the guards. That's a bit far back for a retcon. I'm going to say you guys were in a rush to get out of there. It was right at the end of our thing in the night. In the name of how likely it would be that your instincts would be to maybe just hurry up. Here's what I'll say. You notice those guys you killed

were wearing simple cloaks over their armor. That's about it. Great cloaks. There's a door. Check it. Dungeons and Dragons doors. That means dicey rolls. that's about it like all right well let's great cloaks okay uh yep there's a door check it

dungeons and dragons door is like you know what that means dicey rolls let's hear it who's checking investigation check

who's doing it who's laying hands on this door who is the highest bonus I don't Blaine was eager to do it last time

I don't have a good one is Dr. Uid our door boy I'm plus two for investigation zero what are you Blaine I'm 14 plus for investigating. Zero. What are you doing? I'm 14 plus three.

Oh, God. What is that? 17, that's good. There seems like dried fat on the door handle, but no. No traps. Okay. Dried fat. Doctor, that pain, is it a price you pay?

Let's slowly open the door and head inside right i'd rather do that than answer there you go there's a payoff some people were hearing but you uh do a stealth check if you're going to be a sneaky that i can do oh baby uh 18 plus six yeah you feel like you very easily open this door and manage to peer out you see what used to be a sort of large town hall type room with high vaulted ceilings um it looks like there's a bunch of broken furniture in a corner of the room and in other corners of the room uh 10 to 20 ish feet tall piles of trash not unlike what you saw sorted except much more chaotic and unorganized you just see sort of dunes of meat and refuse and shit. Um, there is, uh, three doors on the other,

uh, three sides of the room. One of them is, uh, not that far away, a little bit to the right. Um, and then there's one,

uh, sort of straight across the short end of the room. And then there's one to the left, really far away. Uh, so to your right, near straight ahead medium far door to your left far away what do you guys think would you like me to draw on the grid how it looks it does it mean just from where we are does it seem obvious that one of them is like the main door in or something like that? Say again?

Do we see movement under any of the doors also? Yeah, that's a good call. We're going to get a little... Giant hand moving us. Huge pen drawing grid. Huge pen drawing grid.

You know, whenever I'm watching a grid get drawn and I'm thinking about renting a car, I always go with Enterprise Rent-A-Car. Okay. And when you need a Ford Fusion with Scott Bakula in it, Enterprise Rent-A-Car. What end of this, Dan Fusion with Scott Bakula in it. Enterprise Rent-A-Car. What end of this, Dan, is the back? Did we come in initially through here?

I positioned you guys at the door where you're coming in. But I mean, from the great scheme of things, like where's the front of the building? That's the front of the building. I think this is the back of the building. You're coming from the back. Keep down and up the stairs to the store. You kind of went like down and up. Yeah, correct.

Towards where Sarah is, is the front of the building. So I feel like this door, right? It's the side door. Oh, to go outside, you think? The front of the building is over here. Oh, I know, but I thought... You entered underground sort of near the middle of the back of the building.

So you think... Isn't it huge, though? This doesn't seem like it's going to go to the back of the building. So you think, isn't it huge though? This doesn't seem like it's going to go to the outside. It might go to another room, right? It's all, all three of them seem like they could go to another room. Yeah.

I don't think it's going to go. I just figured it would go to like a, got it. Anti chamber or here. Yeah. I say we pick one of these two. Go to the closest one, right?

Should we just check and make sure there isn't like a living thing in here? Yeah, everybody do a perception check with advantage. It's a difficult roll regardless to really pick up on the subtleties, but... 14. 22. 16.

15. 10. Twice. Darkthor, you think in that pile closest to Ken, you see something shifting around. It looks like there's waves moving in the pile of trash.

There's a trash monster in that far pile. A mouth that can grab you. Something like that. Shoot it with an arrow. Have you ever seen any? Do you guys want to fight it or do you want to try and this?

Yeah, let's go through that first door. Or check that first door. Maybe we should stealth our way to that door. Everybody do a stealth check, please. With advantage? No, absolutely not. 21. 20. Natural 20 before I add. Yay!

Five. Six. So 23. Seven. Now who's the trash monster? Brian didn't roll that much higher, and he's got a great stealth bonus. Yeah, you guys,

Brian, your foot kind of turns on what looks like a roll my ankle. Yeah, you roll your ankle and yeah, you actually go down these heels and Sarah, you step on something and realize it's like a femur that you snap in half. You hear a weird

loud glugging noise coming from the pile of trash on the other side of the room, but you make it about halfway there. So far, so good. You're like halfway to that near door now. Roll again. It depends. Are you guys going to

keep going or going to go in that other door or where are we going? Yeah, let's do it. Let's check that door out. Well, what if this is the thing we're here to kill fog is all the word all the word better good oh no I think this is this is their waist and this is just a waste monster you guys would remember thogus is supposedly in the basement yeah that's good down yeah oh so You went down then up again,

and I think you would all feel like you're on the ground level again. Let's go to the door. Okay, let's do it. Who's taking point on the door? I will. Roll your investigation check. Dr. Uwichid, right? Well, you put hands on it first,

so if Dr. Uwich u does again more time is going to pass and he you can't tell me what it is yet because something else might happen first so what's your role 12 you don't think you find any traps uh but also as you check it you hear uh uh the gurgling is now turning into like a whooping noise and uh if you guys just peer over your shoulder a little bit you see something's definitely shifting out of the pile of trash open the door all right uh you whip it open and um there is what looks like just like a pile of shattered wood it's a much smaller room closet uh but it uh you know it's bigger than a closet. Okay. It looks, it looks like this maybe used to be another meeting room. Um, any other doors out of there, out of this room?

Uh, no. Okay. Um, let's close the door and keep going. Move it. Right. Okay. Try for this. Uh, as you turn away from the door, you see something, uh, shifting around and looking

back here. It's yeah. Uh, it's here it's yeah it's it's it's like half out of the garbage pile so you can't quite make what it is but it looks like there's sort of like um an arm waving around i don't it's far enough away and dark enough that like even those you had dark could it be a person who's getting eaten by the trash? It does kind of look like it. I move closer to examine it. How close? Show me. It's right here? No, it's in Ken.

The closest to Ken. This one? No, no. Here? No, Ken. It's in this pile. I think it's Ken on here. No, I'm sorry.

Yeah, the corner. Ken is a man. I'm a man? But he's made for a woman. Do a perception check. I thought made for a woman. Do a perception check. I thought he was a bird. Do you have dark vision? Yes. Okay.

17. Do a stealth check also. Stealth. Okay. You see it's really hard to see uh uh like anything more specific than this but this is pretty specific there's there seems to be more moving that's kind of sticking out but it's it's obscured enough by the trash you can't see um this thing that looks kind of like a fleshy paddle is kind of waving back and forth and as

you focus your eyes it looks like there's eyeballs on one side of it something else terrible back away do another stealth check is five so you get back to the group and you hear it make this loud

oinking sound and it starts to shift its way out of the trash. I head for the door. I guess we have to fight it. Oh, we're going to fight it. You could still run to the door and not engage it but I'm going to show you what this thing looks like. I know what it looks like.

I think we fight it because we're going to have to come back this way anyway, even if we succeed. I know what the fuck that says. I think so. Oh! Nope, that's not what I was thinking. That thing's huge. It's really big.

What the fuck is that? Try not to get between it and its mother. I'll let everyone do a history check. Or no, let's make this a wisdom check. Straight wisdom check for everybody. Twelve. Seventeen.

Seventeen also. You seventeen boys recognize this as an odiug. That's why I was going to say that, but I didn't want to sound like a dick. Don't wake up my family. Sorry, I'm trying to keep it down. So, Halcine, you are with the party. Rhodes has been sick.

And yeah, it seems very interested in you. You've got a split second to decide. I'm going for the door. Which one? The one you haven't opened yet straight ahead? Yeah.

All right. I'm throwing at some food. Oh. What kind of food? Like, what do I have? Umami burger. Yeah. No, food.

I think you have basically. Umami burger is delicious. No food. I think you have basically delicious. I, uh, cheap shot. The only food I remember you getting was like jerky style rations from that gnome in the mountains. Some jerky at it.

Maybe it could snap into a slim gym of some sort. Uh, do a shit. This is interesting. Do a shit. Um, take a poop no got you covered

do a constitution saving throw no do a yeah what's like a distraction check this is a animal handling yes nice

10 it seems to like at least Animal handling? Yes. Nice. Ten. It seems to at least notice it and be focused on it for a split second, but it's going to be much closer. It's like halfway to you at this point. Tick-tock, are you at the door? Yes. Okay. What is everyone else doing at this point other than hal seen who has not moved

her action i'm following tiktok okay so everybody else scoot behind him please i mean what we're going to come back out this way anyway right yeah maybe we'll find something in this room to help us with this thing all right if you if you call out and say no let's stay and fight it do it it. No, I follow them, I guess. All right. You're opening the door? Yes. It's a long hallway. There's a lot of doors in this room. There's no gross trash in here.

But you're still overwhelmed with the smell behind you. It is better in here. Let's go. Go, go, go, go, go. Go and close the door. Everybody, do an athletics check. 13. 16.

16. Damn it. 24. Ooh. I think you just feel the athletics check. Oh, your dice is behind you. I'll let you roll that again. Do you want to borrow one?

Yeah, I've got one in my hand if you want to just take it. Brian's got long arms. I like it. I've been rolling well with it. And now it's going to... Now it's going to fuck you. Jeez. Well, 16.

You guys just make it through this door, and you just see this maw clapping shut full of trash and blood and guts. It does not fit. It is too big for this door. Oh, that's good. You raise a little bit of a ruckus. You guys are now in this room.

It looks like it was maybe the main hall of this city hall at one point. There's another door at the far end. You feel like you're at... If you came in the front door, you feel like you're in one of the back rooms, and this hallway, maybe the far end, heads to some sort of lobby or main entrance. You see on either side of you a series of rooms, a lot of smashed-in wooden counters, on either side of you a series of uh rooms a lot of smashed in wooden counters a lot of places people used to meet up and talk to people who worked for the city of bozor and it looks like

it's all been destroyed uh not a lot going on here it's eerily quiet except for the loud snapping monster jaws behind you um you do think it wouldn't take this thing too long to maybe smash through the doorway? And if you're not moving forward, it can definitely reach you. So it's got tentacles. Why would they keep something that's going to destroy the building? You feel like, yeah, there's like noise happening. It is eating all the waste from Thogus? I guess.

Those of you who realized what that monster was, the Odiac would know that these things eat trash. Sometimes they will hide themselves in trash. Like Oscar the Grouch. Thogus and his guards create trash. Or just that this is the guard

dog. We want to get to the basement, right? So do we think maybe the basement's back through there or ahead of us? Again, you haven't been in here. It might just be a matter of looking around. It could be down that door. Probably since that thing was guarding it. I have a feeling.

Yeah, it's that door at the end. You think that's where door. Probably since that thing was guarding it. I have a feeling it's that door at the end. You think that's where it is? I think probably. Oh, back here. Yeah, the one we didn't go through. So we still got to deal with this fucking thing. There are... Let's see.

Should we at least investigate these doors? Yeah, there are eight doors on either side of the room. Do you want me to draw this one for you all closed no okay I'm going to draw ones so you can see if they're closed on a separate board so we can match dinner but yes well yeah blame this drawing is brought to us by? This drawing is brought to you by Spaghetti Peas.

Take your O's to the next level. Franco-American Spaghetti Peas. Are you going to understand it if you didn't see Spaghetti N's? I think you'll get it. I think it's easy to get. He's still drawing. What else? We're also brought to you by

Shaved Bush Gardens. Oh my. I almost wish. The most Florida place on Earth. Yeah. I'm going to write a tilt-a-whirl shaped like a little heart alright

how you doing there Dan while you're there did I tell you I finally checked out that Palladino's place oh my god do you guys know they do a movie night I saw that Jack Nicholson Will Will Smith movie, A Few Good Men in Black. And then they had that Stephen King Holocaust movie, Schindler's Mist.

Oh. Did you see the one with the clown? Which one is that? That you never really saw, but just kills you off screen, It Follows. That's not really funny. But it's really scary. Really, really scary. Even though it had Jim Carrey in it.

All right, so you guys can place where you want to be on the board. That sort of band-aid cross-looking thing in the middle of the room is a pile of trash, but it is not of gory, visceral, bloody nature. That's the door on the far side of the room.

Those are the two counters where it looks like people used to meet people, the city council. Those doors with the squiggly lines through them are smashed and caved in and cannot be entered or exited easily. The rest of them are open. Completely open doors. Completely open.

Some of the doors are broken off their hinges even. Are those giant archways? No, those are counters. Those are wooden counters that someone could sit behind. Let's keep trying to head towards the castle. Towards the structure. You think if you head there, you would be near the front door.

Yeah, let's just keep going. That's the front door, right? It could be the front door. It could open to the outside I mean that looks like where you would come into the city hall I would say there's yeah you would into it that where you'd

open that door you could just be looking at the guards at the front door so let's look inside all these open doors yeah let's go boom boom boom uh oh Dr. Ud what's going on? I'm just detecting magic.

Okay. Am I? You detect magic to the right. To the right. Let's check it out. To the right. To the right. So let's check this one first.

Beep, beep. Sure. Beep, beep, beep, beep. Does this seem right, doctor? You go in there. it's a very small room looks like a small meeting room and there's a door sort of heading again to the right this one is closed

it's heading to the room where the door was smashed in let's check it is it pinging it is pinging magic this way investigation check bro you've got the best investigation doctor Check it. Magic this way. Yeah, investigation check, bro. You've got the best investigation, doctor.

Not this time. I rolled a one. But I got stuff on my head. You got a bunch of people with you. I mean, you can do advantage. I'll give it to you. I will help. Roll it a second time, goofball. 15. Thatball. 15.

It's a 15. All right. I mean, it doesn't feel like there's traps. I will open. Okay. Pop it open, and sure enough, this looks like it may head into a basement. There is an archway to your left

that has stairwell going down that kind of curves. Is there still a trail of viscera? No. You feel like the viscera may have been consigned to that back room. Okay. Just checking. Where's the magic? I want to take point and go stealthily down as far and see what I see.

Yes. What is our order? We don't really have a combat proposition. It's true. I'm not the strongest one, but I feel like this is something that might be better.

He was born for it. Alright, so why don't you do a stealth check? Dargther. How does that look? That looks right. 12 on the first one. You get to the bottom of the stairs.

There's a very small room and an open doorway. And that open doorway, you feel like you had to go down the stairs a while, like maybe even two stories down. And the open doorway seems to open to a very very large room underground like maybe it goes the full ceiling up two stories see anybody or hear anything do i sense any i do a perception check and on that so this small room that you're in has stools, and it looks like some basic supplies. There is a cot here that is currently unoccupied.

Okay. And through the archway, you see... It almost looks like a theater, but it's hard to tell because of how big the room is and how far you are from the doorway. Okay. You going to sneak on up? And tell everybody? Yeah, yeah. how big the room is and how far you are from the doorway. Okay. You gonna sneak Alan up? And tell

everybody? Yeah, yeah. You're gonna like wave him down? Yeah. So they're right behind you? Mm-hmm. Okay. So, he shares. You guys are all in this little vestibule in this sub-basement? Can you sneak ahead? Yeah, I'll sneak ahead. Perhaps we should give Thugus a show. Nerd.

Are you gonna go through the vestibule door, or are you going to just sneak up to it and peek in closer? Peek in closer. Yeah. Stealth first, please. Then perception. Wolf. That was a low one.

Eight. And then. Oh, man. So you look, and there's just. Yeah, oh, man. So you look and there's just, yeah, it was low. You look in and there's just a lot of dust kind of falling in here, as if maybe, I don't know, somebody awoke a trash monster above and shook the ceiling. Oh, okay. So there's like big flakes of dust falling down.

You do see on the far side, this room looks like it was emptied. And there's only one thing in the room, what looks like a big bed on the far end of the room with a sort of red curtain pulled over something. Is this where the magic happens? This must be where I detected it. And it starts to shift as you peek through the door.

What do you mean it starts to shift the bed? With that low stealth roll, you feel like maybe you stepped on something. All right. Our Lego. You hear a voice. I think he's sleeping in there, and I think I woke him. It says, have you brought me the head? Yes.

Wait a minute. Who is that? It's me, sir. I don't know me. Who is that? Admiral Darkthor, sir. I have no admiral. You do now, sir. I have no admiral. You do now, sir.

I've been... I don't know. Do a deception check. Do a deception check. Oh my God. 18 plus. I know. He's laughing too hard.

21. Interesting proposition. Why should you be an admiral? The men feel like I'm a natural leader, sir. Where's this head? Where's this head? Show me the head of the one who killed Dungthuck.

It's right behind me, sir. Bring it to me. Okay. it's right behind me, sir. Bring it to me. Okay. Fuck. I'm going to fucking run at him.

You guys come. Let's go. I'm going to just initiative. I'm running at him. I'm running at him. He's off guard. And off we go. Okay.

So I'm going to need a commercial while I draw this, everybody. Admiral Darkthor. I don't know. I didn't know what else to do. We got that bugbear's name. We didn't make a plan. I woke the guy up. I thought I was Stealthy Stealtherton, and then I fucking

stepped on a... Do we move these guys? No, actually, keep them right there because that was your order. Got it. This is going to be the best of you all. We're just going to... I've kicked an old can of Pepsi free. Oh, my gosh.

Holy shit. You guys didn't heal up. Small weapons malfunction. We're fine. How are you? It's fine, fine. We're all fine here. Sorry about my armpits, everybody, being up in your face while I do this.

I need like a selfie stick for it. Blaine, any advertisers? Oh, this map redrawing is brought to you by Gravitational Lens Crafters, helping you see the galaxies behind those galaxies in about an hour. Gravitational Lens Crafters. That's how far you get well actually you get another 10 right because you can be on the bed basically all right so and you know you know who's not allowed on the beds the dogs who's gonna heal me when i don't know what i'm getting into she's a cleric. I just want to say for the listeners. I don't even know how powerful this guy is.

I'm impressed with how fast you got to this mini boss. I barely painted this mini boss in time for tonight and the off chance you got this far, and I'm excited. By the way, Brian, don't take the mini boss out of the cabinet or we're going to have to pay for him. Take the mini boss out of the cabinet or we're going to have to pay for him. So you get to the edge of this bed and it looks like there's a big shape under this thing. It's gigantic.

About the size of, let's just say, three or four of you. And it's rotund. And you just see the curtains, these sort of like red velvet curtains that are draped over it like a blanket look improvised like this wasn't meant to be a blanket like it just sort of hides in here and you see two big bulbous eyes uh each of them about the size of your head kind of like look underneath okay from underneath at you do i I have an issue? It just says, Admiral? Yes. And when it says Admiral, the whole thing shakes. Oh my god. Slice its eyes open.

What is it? Yeah, you tell me. What are you doing? Eyes wide. Shit! I'm going to... Shit. I can only do one thing well i'm just instead of casting darkness or anything i'm just gonna well you can't because it's once a day right oh is that is it okay then good uh then i'm uh two hand striking i'm on my i'm gonna run oh yeah i'm gonna hack it as I... Are they on...

Did you say they were on... You just see two round eyes peeking out of a fold. I'm going to slash at them. I'm going to run it right at where I hit. Yeah, roll to attack. Got me a movie. Oh, what is this? Slicing up eyeballs.

Oh, so the first one is my long sword. Don't know about you. 19. That's a hit. Roll for damage. All right. Want to grow up to be a fireman. A fireman.

10. A fireman. All right. A fireman A fireman Alright You plunge your sword into one of its eyes And the whole thing kind of turns Over Do your second attack The eyes are now hidden That's just an 11 on that one

That's a miss So the other one misses as it kind of like knocks you back just a little bit. Well, I'm going to jump back anyway since it's not my turn. Go ahead and scoot the thing back. Like this? Yeah. Back onto the floor ready to defend. We'll roll for initiative next time.

But you see the whole thing kind of spinning over in the bed, and the curtain flies aside. And there's a very fleshy kind of pile there. It's like human-colored flesh. But you notice, even in the dark, tiny little glints of dark light uh glimmer off of scales uh in a sort of golden yellow way and there are what looks like giant chunks of ice crystals sticking out of its body uh it begins to levitate off the bed oh my god and you see uh

these tentacles with eyes at the ends of them, uh, extend from it. Wait, you see this guy. It's, oh man. Are we going to be in? I thought salacious crumb was going to be sitting on his stomach,

but now, now it's something else. It's going to be. Oh no. Oh, no, thank you. Shit in the hand. Admiral, you. No. No. No, thank you. Shit and a half.

Admiral, you're fired. That's like a famous thing, right? What is that thing? It's a beholder. It's a beholder. God damn it. Shit. We're fucked, right?

Maybe. See episode 11. Hey, Sam, what do you think just happened? I'd be happy to tell you we met a guy that we asked a bunch of questions to Brian triple botched and then Sarah made fog promise not to rape or pillage.

Tick talk talk shit to Darther about cookies. We're at another door. This entire game is just doors. We got it open and it smells like meat. We open another door and it smells like meat. We open another door and it's full of trash. Something's moving in the trash. It's got a flesh paddle.

It's called an odiug, which makes me think of Garfield. Tick tock led us out of the trash room into a room full of dust. We woke up a voice that asked us for a head and Admiral Darkthor started to bluff, but then poked him in the eye. And then we met a levitating ice crystal guy that looks like the Flying Spaghetti Monster. He's way worse than a Flying Spaghetti Monster. Yeah, good luck with this shit. There's a 100% chance of meatballs with this guy.

I'll probably just roll up a warrior again. Anything you want to plug, Dan? No. All right. You did a great job painting that. Holy cow. Yeah, Dan? No. All right. You did a great job painting that. Holy cow. Yeah, that's insane. It's really great.

It's my pride and joy. You painted that? Yeah. Wow. Awesome. It's going to kill season three. Thanks for nothing. Thanks for listening. Thanks for listening to another episode of nerd poker you can follow us at patreon.com

slash nerd poker and you get bonus episodes from there and you can also uh send us anything at p.o box one six zero six nine encino california nine one four one. Thanks for listening. Wow. What was it called? Ducks in a Row? Was it absolutely spec-quacular? Oh, Chris. I was seven.

Chris. Oh my God. Sorry. Hello. Yeah. 9-11. Oh no. Yeah. Oh, I'm sorry. You call it 9-1-1? Oh yeah, yeah. Yeah. 9-11. Oh, no. Yeah.

I'm sorry. You call it 9-1-1? Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Come get Chris. Yeah, he said something.