Nerd Poker - Episode 10 - Vorpal Bosch

Episode Date: June 21, 2017

Our adventurers have gotten slap happy from their vampiric victories and are now having fun storming the castle. Will they succeed in their campaign against Woody? Will they be defeated by a creepy door? Only time will tell.

Hey, you're listening to episode 10 of Brian Posehn's Nerd Poker. This is the last episode with sound issues. After episode 11, we each have our own microphones. I want to thank some of our listeners for contributions lately. I just got some money from Brendan Alotta in Bethlehem, Pennsylvania. Gave us $20 to Nerd Poker. We got some skeleton mugs sent to our P.O. box, and I want to thank the guy that sent them, but can't find the slip. We have the mugs.

They're super kick-ass, but we do not have the packing slip that said the gentleman's name who sent them, but I appreciate him. Send us a message on Facebook, and we'll say your name here. Patreon followers, we've got episodes with Sark and Sarah.

Second one is coming out this week. You can check that out. Thanks for following us and thanks for listening. I'm going to be on the road this week. I'll be in Salt Lake City in an IDIOT, idiot, or whatever, up in Northern California at Shoreline Amphitheater.

Looking forward to that. Thanks for listening, guys. Enjoy. Bye. Hey, it's Brian Poussaint. I used to have a podcast where I played Dungeons & Dragons with a bunch of my friends. I missed it, so I decided to make a new one. It's called Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker. It's myself, a couple of my buddies, Blank and Patch, Dan Telfer, Ken Daly, an occasional guest or two And we're going to be playing in a new setting, my dining room Each week you'll hear my wife, my son, my dogs

And we're going to be playing in a place that I love and playing the game that I've loved half my life Dungeons and Dragons We've got 5th edition and we're ready So are you ready? Here's Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker. Hey, everybody. It's Brian Poussaint. You're listening to Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker.

Episode 10. 972. We did 972 of these already? And we still haven't launched. Although we have if you're listening to this. It's like time travel. What you're going to notice sometimes too is when we do two of these

you'll be able to tell because we'll be a little looser on the second one. A little gigglier. Because the whiskey in front of us It's the whiskey, that's all. Full of pizza and whiskey that was good pizza

remember how how old was the Arby's three months ago did it or three years ago that Arby's did we set it on fire

yeah the one that burned it to the ground yeah we kept all the rest beef in an old refrigerator it's unplugged

we put it in we leave it in an unplugged refrigerator, but it's out under a tree. One time before we taped an episode, I went there and asked them to make me an all-veggie sandwich, and it was the wettest, most horrible sandwich I've ever had in my life. They just threw hot nacho cheese on you.

They have peppers and onions. Scoop it with an ice cream scoop. It's like the McDonald's pink slime except they just keep it in slime form. Solid. I like it. And I eat it all the time. I have not

get it on the way. Blaine brought some last time we recorded. It was generous. It's pretty good. The Simpsons is wrong. I think it's delicious. get it on the way Blaine brought some last time we recorded it was generous force makes up because I love it it's pretty good the Simpsons is wrong I think it's delicious

does Simpsons say Arby's is bad they've been doing Arby's jokes forever let's just fucking make fun of Arby's yeah they're a big cowboy

wow that was great and then you go like a week and a half later you go hey you know what Arby's was great I gotta go to Arby's again

and you go that was a good thing I gotta go well this episode is brought to you? Arby's was great. I gotta go to Arby's again. You go, that was a good thing to say. Well, this episode is brought to you by Arby's. Last episode was brought to you by Pixar. We're getting some good good. We're real prodding rollers this year.

Arby's, it only makes you pee blood sometimes. Hey, pass the horsey sauce. Makes your poop smell great. We're, uh... Something really wrong with you. Hey, pass the horsey sauce. Makes your poop smell great. That's a good idea, though. Arby's should make a sandwich that's got like lavender and rose petals in it and it makes your shit come out smelling like a fucking potpourri basket.

Should try the unicorn, the Arby's unicorn. Not so good. Yeah, it's not good yeah what they do is it's actually a narwhal it's the meat of a barista that made the unicorn frappes at Starbucks good barista meat

did you see Katy Perry throwing up the unicorn no I've been jerking off to it for like four days. What the hell? She tried the unicorn and then went and spit it out. And then you jerked off?

Well, she was naked when she did it. I'm going to start jerking off to that. And he was just jerking off to whatever was in Entertainment Weekly. And he just happened to land on the Katy Perry page. That's my porn. Billy Crystal got it started. I'm just glad I didn't

wind up on a Michelin ad. My porn is an entertainment weekly. At all times. They use Neighbor to Neighbor, which is just that book that shows guys that'll build your fence. Or jerk you off. Neighbor to Neighbor.

I thought it was just a magazine about Jim Neighbors' macadamia. You guys. We currently knew who was going to say plug our Patreon. If you're enjoying this free feed, you'll love our

Patreon. Patreon.com slash NerdPoker. By now, if you're enjoying this free feed, you'll love our Patreon. Patreon.com slash NerdPoker. By now, if you're a Patreon subscriber, we have already released some extra content. We haven't even recorded extra content. But the people that are subscribing will get some bonus stuff in the month of May. This probably isn't even May when you're listening. Wow, you're listening. Wow, you're in the future. So weird.

Yeah. And then what is, one of our, one of our goals is every time, Sorry about using all the water. I love how mind-blowing

the concept of pre-recording something is to us and it's been around for only, Well, it's especially funny that we've recorded 10 episodes

and not released. We never did this on the old Nerd Poker. Yeah, the old Nerd Poker was like, oh fuck, we're all going to be out of town for a month. Let's not released. We never did this on the old Nerd Poker. Yeah, the old Nerd Poker was like, oh, fuck, we're all going to be out of town for a month. Let's go record. We were recording them right before you listened to them,

like Matt and Trey. We were pulling a South Park. Poor Sam would be done recording our episode. We'd all be going home, and he'd be like, yeah, I'm going to sit here and engineer this episode and release it at 3 in the morning. Got to take out all the shit blaine said about that guy oh god we should release a bonus episode for the patreon subscribers that's just you saying

that name for an hour. You can say it three times fast. It appears in your bathroom mirror. Oh, God. Strangling you from behind. He wants you to sign one of his flyers for the Sacramento punchline. Oh, my God. Excuse me.

All right. Sorry, I just had to go shit in the sink. Al Bundy's upstairs doing a bit. My son is asleep, but you'll hear house noises this episode. His house ain't at Arby's. And maybe Mavis. Mavis is pretty out right now, but she might entertain us. She got high as fuck.

I forget if I mentioned this in one of our first episodes but our new art is by Aaron English an awesome dude from the great white north who is a big fan of the show what a beauty way to go take off yeah I love that he did the 5.0 cover the 5th edition cover

sorry you guys you know where you are right now right you're in the jungle baby you can't people are sleeping at their desk

while they're listening to this alright sorry living room I mean in the where my yeah yeah yeah Brian's child is sleeping

and if you're sleeping at your desk I just want you to know your co-workers are going to come in your ear while you're asleep also when you sleep spiders drink from the corners of your eyes did you know that?

that's a fact, yeah did you ever see Cat's Eye? you know how the cat will take your breath but then you've had Cat's Eye? You know how the cat will take your breath? But then you've had cats, right? They do shit that's really close to that. Where your cat is like

kneading on your chest and you wake up and you've seen Cat's Eye and you think your cat is really trying to do that. Yeah, they have that maintaining eyelid that's kind of halfway down. I was reading an article about how cats have a really strange brain since they've been domesticated because they're smart but they've also got to cope with all these leftover instincts that dogs have kind of adapted better like guys

that's the show like dogs dogs have found a purpose but dogs have found a purpose through evolution is as hunters and lackeys for humans. But cats, because they're independent but domesticated, their brains are wired really weird. So the way people think they see ghosts and the way they think cucumbers are snakes, all that stuff,

is because their brains are just a mass of messed up nerves. They can't identify. They can't identify. They have real heart attacks and die from that cucumber thing sometimes. What? Cats have died because people...

Yeah, but I've seen them die. Quit filming your cats. Is that why they'll sit in a tape box? Yeah, they hate it. You just put tape on the floor in a square and they'll sit in the middle of it. Yeah, because their brains are a mess of wiring. If you put a bag on the floor, they'll get right'll sit in the middle of it. Yeah, because their brains are a mess of wiring. And if you put a bag on the floor,

they'll get right inside. They love bags and boxes. They should work at a Ralph's. They have a normal intelligent animal brain, but it's just constantly glitching. Yes. Yes. It's very glitchy because it doesn't want to be domesticated, but it is. We shouldn't keep cats.

Nah, they're cute. You know, the thing I did read is dogs prefer to, dogs like it when they get rewarded for stuff, but cats choose to spend their free time and like to be rewarded by people. That's what I read, which is nice.

What do you mean, like to be rewarded by people? Their pleasure centers are more activated and they're more attentive and emotionally responsive when they're near people. They want to be near people more than dogs do. Even though dogs are friendlier. Interesting. Oh, yeah.

My cat clearly wants to be around me all the time. And I hate it. Because it climbs on me and scratches me by accident. I have a feeling on my Instagram a couple months ago. I have a five, six, seven-inch gash in my thigh from my fucking cat. Three o'clock in the morning, jumped on it. Cut his feet off. Oh.

Really? That's what I do. That's stupid. And that was you. You had pet legs made out of like stuffed animal legs. So you still got like animal feet, but they don't hurt you. Get him two of those little carts. Put a cart on the front legs

and a cart on the back legs and then push him around. And you know what you do? Because you get them things that you put on turkey legs when you do a hug out. Are you Billy Crystal and the Christopher Guest

on SNL on the bad season? You get one of them... I've tried to segue out of this like three times. Oh, segue. I remember segways we've been playing when the creator

of segways drove off a cliff is that what happened yeah we haven't been dicking around that much on these other episodes

that's true so we're getting some dicking in it's about time to let loose yeah alright

blame the woody whiskey it's really good whiskey it is really tasty Okay so yeah Caramel finish Cutting the limbs off of animals

You encounter this guy Jesus Your buddy Woody And yeah he He's kind of wedged into a Suit For our Facebook. Oh, so we mentioned Patreon and we mentioned we do all that business.

Patreon. Yeah, we'll put this on the Patreon. How's that? Yeah. We'll have it up on our Facebook too. Send him a bunch. Just look at that guy. Yeah.

So, yeah, you guys have encountered this fella, and you just doused him in oil. You burned him? You haven't burned him yet. Well, you burned him a little bit, but you haven't really seen evidence that he got burned. That's too bad. You've taken a couple of swings at him, and now he's in front of you, and he's about to do something.

We've got to get some oil on him. Yeah. You did. When he came down the stairs, he successfully splashed him in the face with oil. His little suit looks like painted wood. We just haven't lit him up yet. His nickname is Woody. We fucked up everything we tried to do though.

Let's make it stick. You threw the oil on him and I lit him up, right? That was the first time. He had the door, but now he has oil on him. Woody. We haven't lit him up. We're failing at it. That was the first time. And now... Woody. Woody. We're failing at it. And then I botched.

Oh yeah. Woody, as on the downswing of your sword, Woody grabs you by the neck with his big wooden fist and he slams you up against the wall for two points of damage.

Ouch. You guys notice he doesn't have elbows. He has really long arms. Really long arms. Does he have knees? These nuts? What? Does he have knees? These nuts?

What? No, no knees. Fred D. Cole. No knees. He's like a... He's inside that thing? Yeah. There's his head right there on the top, and his tentacles are grouping down.

Yeah. Okay. Who's up? And he's still holding me? And I'm still up against the wall? Yes, and Brian is up. All right. Okay.

I'm going to use the greatsword to try to de-limb him. All right. I'm going to either go for a... I know you can't do called shots, but the idea is... Or can you in this edition? You can do called shots. Yeah. I'm going to try

to take a leg out from under him. Go for it. Maybe two if I can. Yeah. Take a swing. Dreezy has wooden legs.

Yeah. And you get plus two damage with legs. Yeah. He's got wooden legs. They're real wobbly legs and he kind of has to he kind of has to lean side to side to walk.

So a nine plus two, right? Yeah, it's eleven. You get a big old chunk out of one of the legs, but then your sword sticks in it a little bit. Okay. You gotta kind of yank it out. I don't know what I'm going to do next time 10

I'm going to cast array of sickness at him array of sickness? alright go for it what do I have to do can you remind us what array of sickness is array of sickness is a noxious ray that does 2d8

poison damage and it's on page 271 if you want to let me check it out. Let me check that out. A ray of sickening greenish energy lashes out towards a creature within range.

Alright. He's's gonna try to make a constitutional saving throw yes um wow nope all right

so now I roll my damage mm-hmm eight seven and five twelve points yeah you cooking good

he squeaches and squeals a little bit and loosens his grip on Tui who slides down to the floor that's nice that's a nice thing he's not happy he's waving his arms around I'm going to Can I

I want to tell these guys to hit the deck Uh oh Sure That counts as half a turn You got a turn still And I'm going to do a thunder wave Which is a wave of thunderous force Which creeps out from me.

A creature must make a constitution saving throw. If it does not, it takes thunder damage and is pushed 10 feet away from me. In addition, unsecured objects that are completely within the area of effect are automatically pushed 10 feet away from me by the spell's effect. Spell emits a 100-spoon audible 300-feet. Also I get higher levels because I'm at third level now. Also any creature in a 15-foot cube originating from me has to make a saving throw, which is why I wanted to give these guys a heads up. Well, I bet it here because I cast from a

distance anyway. Maybe I'll get away from it. Alright. I'm kind of trying to make sure that it's not going toward, it's focused directly. Give me some space. I want to point it. Go for it.

Alright, and then I do that. Didn't you say you had to roll? No, it's evocation. He flies backwards. Does it do... So it's 2d8

plus another 1d8. No, another 2d8 because it's two levels above first. Why don't you roll that 8? I'm going to roll that 8. There's 6. There's 2, which is 8. There's 5,

which is 13. And there's 1, which is 14. Great. So he... You knock him back onto the stairwell he just descended from and he kind of crashes in a heap. Yeah, as long as his woodworking is fucked up.

Nothing's fucked up, but he's definitely a little tangled in his own forelimbs, kind of flat, trying to scramble to get back on his feet. He has balance issues. Wekus comes up. Oh, yeah.

Where'd he been at? He takes a swing with his hammer. Yeah, look at this. That's a bow. And crunches him right on the top of the head. Ooh. Just kind of smushes his head back into his bucket a bit. And he makes big sort of splatty noise. Sounds real, real rough.

Like a stress ball. The other guys with their swords try to follow that up. How many guys does he have with him? Nope. And yes, two. One of them swings and misses. The other one gets a little slash in and one of the bulges of flesh sticking out of the ribcage So he's taking some hits

He Jumps up all of a sudden He plants his arms and legs Down and out Like a flap And suddenly is on his feet And looks more dexterous than you would have expected From how awkward this exchange has been so far.

What an asshole. And he tries to throw a punch at Lekas and misses. Good. You are up. Dude, it's a big battle out here. Yeah.

I'm gonna rage. i wish you would what would happen if you'd rage for us brian just use my i can't decide if you use my gauntlets or if i use my uh great sword um i kind of feel like just reaching into him I mean you definitely got a sense from when your sword hit the wood that it's really heavy wood and this would be very difficult to just keep hacking away at right so I'm just going to try to reach in and pull the octopus out

or pull this creature out of this thing go for it why don't you do a strength check for us? Okay. See if you can get a grip on it. It'll take a turn to get a grip

and another turn to yank. Oh, yeah, okay. Because he's up on his feet now. He's not sprawled on the ground. The other way, too,

is like you light a match and then blow it out and then touch him on the butt. Almost as good as you can do. You grab him by a chunk of flesh on the butt. Almost as good as you can do. You grab him by a chunk of flesh on the top. I got a 19, you guys.

And you got a really good grip, so you can plant your other hand on his skeleton and kind of pry him out. Now it says that if he fails the constitution throw, it's failed save, he's also poisoned until the end of my next turn. So does that mean he does poisoned damage again? Yeah, it does. And then I is also poisoned until the end of my next turn. So does that mean he just poisons damage again?

Yeah, it does. And then I can also attack, yeah? I like all of that. And then the other 5th edition stuff I've done, I feel like you get second turns sometimes. Or second attacks. And I'm shooting an arrow at him.

Yeah, well he just took six more points of damage from the sickness. Twelve. Yeah, twelve. You rolled it twice. Oh, hell. What are you doing this time? Arrow at him.

Okay, so you fire an arrow. You just miss Bodhi, who is on top of him. And you get an arrow right between the ribs. Nice. Into a nice chunk of flesh. And something dark and black squirts out. Nice.

Six plus two. Six points of damage. So it's double. Twelve. So 24 total. That's a good one. I think it did. You guys have done

let's just say definitely a lot of damage to this guy. Cool. I'm going to hit him with an arrow. Go for it. No, I'm not. Would you roll an arrow. Go for it. No, I'm not. What'd you roll, though?

I rolled a 2. It's like a 20, but not really. You nick Brian's ankle and it just kind of grazes. It doesn't take any damage, but Brian is on top of this guy. Sorry, Nick. Good, Brian. I'll whack it. There's Bodhi.

Not you yet. I haven't been extreme lately, but I am extreme. I know, what happened? Lekkas rolls a 20. Wow. Right on. So he only does 4 points of damage, but he does a upward swing and uh smushes more flesh out into your hands brian oh okay uh so whereas before you had a fistful now all of a sudden there's just a

bunch of loose floppy squishy flesh yeah uh in your hands all right um this flesh is gray and really thick uh you you can feel it trying to get out from between your fingers like it's got a mind of its own. Like it's just full of sinew and muscle. You've got a really good grip on it. The other two gentlemen

both connect with their swords and do a nice chunk of damage. Excellent. Bodhi, you are up. Alright. I'm going to plant my feet and just fucking yank as I rage on it.

Give it a roll, won't you? Yeah, what does it sound like? Extreme. Take a sip of Mountain Dew right before. Nine. You got a plus two of that? Yeah. All right.

Yeah, so you do some bit. No, even more. Yeah. What's the other bonus on there? There's a plus two on it yeah okay so yeah that definitely why don't you uh roll for damage you're you're doing gauntlet damage though right so yeah which is where did i have that right of course 2d6 on the great sword give me one second. Yep, yep, yep. Gauntlets of Overpower.

If you're in a band and you're listening and you're not immediately writing a song called Gauntlets of Overpower, I don't know how metal you are. You know what I mean? Even if you're in Imagine Dragons Dragons which is not metal at all and you're listening you're obligated because dragons in your name to step up to the plate you know I've been making fun of Vampire Weekend

for a couple of years and I just heard them today I've never heard them before and I made fun of them just for having that name but boy are they terrible that's all I got I made fun of them just for having that name. But boy, are they terrible. I don't even know, man. Yeah. That's all I got.

You're like if the Decembrists had a hard time getting a fart out. Ooh, Jesus. Tightly wound. I wanted to not like Vampire Weekend. And then I heard a song from their new album, and I liked it. I was like, oh really god damn it there it's i mean it's not something i would buy but they're good musicians they're a good band right yeah like they're they're good but like i would never man i don't like what i heard when i was uh what it is when i we we did uh australia with lucha baboon andoon and Big Day Out. And they were one of the headlining bands. Vampire Weekend,

Red Hot Chili Peppers, the AAS and the Killers for some reason. Oh my god. I would have killed myself if I was on that show. Vampire Weekend was they were always in line behind us for food and they were alarmingly tall and well scrubbed.

Since we're vampires. Anyway, that's my Vampire Weekend story. tall and well scrubbed. Since we're vampires. Anyway, that's my vampire weekend. Tall and well scrubbed. They seem like nice guys. I mean, it's just a stat-increasing item. I mean, I think you... Oh, that's actually been really good. For one of us.

On my latest special, I said that I want Imagine Dragons to die in an arcade fire For an entire vampire weekend And you just get a damage bonus Okay While Billy Joel is jerking off Yeah totally Why don't you roll for damage What does that sound like

I'm jerking off What's love? Check it out. What am I rolling? Rolling, rolling. What am I rolling? Roll dice. What am I rolling? That's what I'm trying to figure out. What am I rolling?

What is this question of what a rolling brought to you by the end, Glenn? Oh, it's brought to you by Away Depot, the perfect place one-stop shopping to pick up somebody else's house. Away Depot.

Right. Oh, I'm asked. Hey, that Oh I'm assed Hey that uh That was a while ago But that Monsterpalooza Was a lot of fun It's the best I'm telling you

It's the best convention there is That's a fun little con Nothing Nothing beats it for me If you like monsters In Pasadena Alright so If you like anything really

It's an art show I mean I think it's Conrad Figurine Con Was pretty fucking Oh yeah Off Off TH This season Did you go? really it's an art show to me Conrad figurine con was pretty off TH this season did you go I got little girl fishing

couldn't believe I got little girl fishing okay so it's one damage plus strength plus bonus you gotta watch your dog, dog doesn't know you're Hitler doesn't matter, everybody's gotta watch their dog oh so what's... You have 19 strength with the gauntlets on.

But what do I roll for damage? You don't. You just successfully attacked. Okay. It's one damage plus strength plus bonus. So you do... 24 damage according to what I have. Wow.

That's good. I'll take it. It gives and hurts. You hear a tearing sound. I like it. By the way, if I'm doing unarmed damage wrong, I apologize. I just had to look it up, and I think I'm doing this right. Sounds right.

I have unarmed strike is one damage plus strength. I couldn't find anything under Gauntlets of Ogre. I wrote down that you get a plus four damage bonus with these but I may have invented that. That might not be legit.

Is that something I got? I'm perfectly fine with all of that. Must be. So you hear a ripping noise and it pops out a little bit more from the top of the armor.

Finish him. You're up, Tom. Let's see. What do we got left? Oh, by the way, it looks at you while he's doing this and goes... One big eyeball. With another arrow in his face. Give it a shot.

Roll 20, won't you? That's close. No. Two is almost 20. It's half of 20. 20 is half. It sure is. I like your logic, but I am not

sure. I'm afraid you have not fed me two and a nothing. Enough scotch to fall for your ruse sorry I did some damage I know I know it's just whiskey

Tweet you're up I'm going to take another shot 15 alright well that one connects you get one the blob of the flesh is that 1d6 15. Alright, well that would connect. You get one. What's an arrow shot? The blob of the flesh. What's that, 1d6

for these? Yes. Two. God damn it. Sorry, I didn't mean to. Is everybody clear of this guy yet? Yeah, I'm trying to figure out what I can do to kill this guy. Licka swings and misses. He's having a hard time aiming

Because Bodhi is all over this guy Do you want me to let go? Other gentlemen They both miss with their swords Yeah this guy's still doused in oil Yeah that's why I want Bodhi to get off Well Bodhi's enraged by that man Bodhi get off

When's my next turn? I said Bodhi get off I'm going to use one more rage on him And then I'll save it for the last one Go for it Bodhi get off You're just going to rip it again? Bodhi get off

Damn Alright well Bodhi you gotta do something for me Oh wait the first time I Bodhi So where am I? Hold on one second. Okay, sorry.

It's very funny. This guy... Stoney Concentrate. ...is standing up, but you've got like a boot planted on his ribs and you're yanking his toe. Physically, how much bigger am I than him? You're about the same height. You're toe-to-toe. So it's like Braun Strowman fighting Big Show last week.

And you've got your elbows planted on his shoulders, and you're ripping his head off. Okay. I'm going to try to get some leverage first before I tear. Don't really get my arm in there and kind of get my elbow in and get it really wrapped, and then I'm going to tear and try and pull as much as I can. Let me do some math. My legs are also planted. Hey, Blaine, what is this math I'm doing brought to you by?

No, here's what I'm going to try to do. I'm going to try to turn and almost like flip him or pull and kind of lean into it as much as I can. It's getting really fucking hot. It's like that statue of the Greek wrestlers. Almost like I'm trying to hip toss him. But like

from grabbing from inside of him and hip tossing him. Alright. Give it a shot. Why don't you? That's a fair roll sure is it's 17 yeah and then don't i get two on that on the strength yes sir oh and then what so what is the damage on that on the gauntlets of ogre power again so uh you get 19 strength. Oh, okay. And plus 1 damage, plus 4 bonus damage. So is it 24 again?

Yeah, it's 24 every time. Is that what it is? Okay, wow, that's great. Yeah, so you hear some loud crunching noises and two tentacles pop out of his arms. Good. He's still rooted in the main body though. If you can

stretch him out, maybe we can get somebody to hack at him. You now see stumps of flesh are popping out where there used to be more of his body. A lot of scar tissue. He's like the Darth Vader of octopuses.

Starting to see all of Anakin's battle damage. I'm going to try to cut his root. Short sword. Roots. It's a hit though. He's very exposed at the moment. Three rooms. That's a hit, though. All right. He's very exposed at the moment. Here you go, Rudy.

Okay, there you go. Six on the root. Cool. You don't cut him loose, but you definitely slash him. He chopped his root. I chopped all the root. Blame. I'm coming over with the short sword

I wish you would actually no I'm going to do the long sword I believe no I'm doing the short sword alright you close your distance and you get sprayed with some black blood gross alright five I think I missed I think I got some black blood in my face yep you sure did

um Lekas hits the stairs with his hammer and looks like a doofus. One of the humans swings a sword and misses. I forgot about those guys. And the other human... Boccerini. Oh, Jesus. Sorry. Oh, really? The other...

Unbelievable. The other human rolled a 98 and then an 18. So he panics and as he swings, drops the sword and it bounces under his feet and he trips over it and it

pretty much cuts one of his feet off. Just pretty much clean off. Whoops. It's got a little piece of skin kind of keeping it there. Sorry, I made you help us. Whoops. He kind of kneels down and starts crying a little bit. I bet he feels stupid.

Not really. I mean, right now he's kind of in damage control mode. He's trying to put his foot back on And it's not going very well Total shock His fingers are all slippery He's trying to Like Lego

He's just trying to snap it back on And it's not working It's not going to happen No Bodhi You are up Again? Well

Should we take a break? No I'm okay Battle him Battle him Battle him Should we take a break? No, I'm okay. Battle him! Battle him! Battle him! Battle him! Battle him up! I'm going to... Just keep pulling. Battle him up.

Battle him. Battle him. Maybe I'm going to... Because if I... You're doing a lot of damage to him. Yeah, and I hip checked him now. Maybe I'm going to... Because if I already... You're doing a lot of damage to him. Yeah, and I hip checked him now, so now I'm going to try to just

almost suplex him. Oh, no. Now I'm going to try to flip him over me by yanking and just pull as much as hard as I can. Yankee flipper. Give it a shot. The old Yankee flipper. a shot. No Yankee flipper

Let's roll for Yankee flipper with my gauntlets of poker power stones. Yes roll for Yankee flipper Yeah He puts very little resistance forth and flies across the room and clanks in a pile over on the red carpet Okay flies across the room and clanks in a pile over on the red carpet. Okay. Take that you piece of shit. Did I pull the thing out of them? No, but it's kind of like writhing around on the ground in the pile right now.

Somebody set him on fire. Yeah. I'll take my tinderbox out and light him on fire. He goes right up. He makes a loud squealing noise that I will refrain from recreating due to a sleeping child. The child of Babu. Do it into the mic just quietly.

It smells like calamari. The sound is on. And it's me stomping on it. Sorry about that, Dan. Dan, go ahead killed Spike Jonze. The other one. The first one. Look up the first guy.

That's the guy that did the movies. How much time we... We're not that far in. We're more than halfway. But yeah, that's why I suggested we take a break. Yeah, let's take a quickie. Take a quickie. We're back. We've got to wrap it up because Ken has to get home.

What do you need to do, buddy? I've got to go watch the Bosch. Bosch, he's a detective from the streets. Jazz-loving, former SEAL, something, former Special Forces. Bosch loves jazz.

His name has a lot of silent letters in it, just like his demons. And also he painted that surreal vision of hell Bosch maybe this is up now Bosch born with five extra teeth

it's Bosch might as well hey can I do a stupid side trivia fact sure please you remember when

Yes revamped and came out with the owner of a lonely heart oh yeah yeah 90125 yeah uh and they had uh the guitarist trevor raymond yeah he's the south african guitar slinger producer guy that came in and they did the video for leave it do you remember the video yeah yeah yeah they were just standing there the five of them that they would do video effects and stretch their bodies out and stuff. The reason that they did the video effects was they wanted to hang them upside down, and they tested all their blood pressure or something to make sure they were healthy. And they discovered he had five spleens and multiple spleens, and so they couldn't hang them upside down.

Trevor Rabin? Trevor Rabin. Multiple spleens. Maybe they couldn't hang them upside down. Trevor Rabin? Trevor Rabin. Multiple spleens. Maybe not five, maybe it was three. He was kind of a shredder. More than one. Yeah, anything more than one is just fucking... That's just gilding the lily at that point.

Dude, that is so bosh. You know what I love is Going to watch Bruce Springsteen With a sugar daddy There is a Google group just called Ravenspleens So I wasn't making it up That's amazing

Bosch I wish I could remember my wife's name But I remember that My favorite spice was Bosch spice. I snorted, sorry. I fed whiskey. Fucking

Bosch. It's like they ran out of ideas to run out of. When you roll a one, don't bosh. It'll be boshed. My sword cut my foot off. It was real gritty. I had a vorpal bosh. Sorry.

I didn't know your nose was by my feet. I'm sorry. Have you guys been watching the bosh point of the season? I like the Bosch redemptions. He finds someone from the street and offers him a second chance. That was a really stupid

Tosh point out reference. So you guys have Flaming Calamari in the middle of the carpet. What happens when he goes to Cantor's? He has a little bosh nosh. You gotta get the mish bosh.

Oh, you know what? I like when he wears suspenders around and he's bosh kosh, bosh kosh. You know, it's weird that we're talking about this. This is going to sound like a joke. Last night I had a dream.

I was eating a giant marshmallow. Uh-huh. I saw him at an anthrax show and he got caught in a bosh he was in the bosh pit that's all I got I was going to try to sleep giant bosh

let's put the kibosh on don't you guys don't you love it visit me on twitter I'm bling kibosh on don't you guys don't you love it visit me on twitter I'm bling kibosh when the football team needs a few extra dollars and everybody has a bosh wash

ok so what are we doing this thing's dead fucking bosh bosh hey who's watching bosh hey it's raining outside don't forget your bosh galosh Hey, who's watching Bosch? Hey, it's raining outside. Don't forget your Bosch galosh.

Here's your Bosches. Oh, my God. Okay, this thing's dead. Oh, Bosch. We lost a foot. Yeah, so there's... Can anybody put a heel on this guy? Or a whole foot? whole foot just bind his foot yeah you bind it

and it just kind of falls off completely his stump yeah his stump is bleeding hey why don't you bind his stump and I'm going to go over and sing a little healing song Lekas lays hands on it and it kind of cauterizes him.

Walk this way! And at least his scab's over. He's still crying, but at least now he's making small talk about how older Aerosmith was better than 90s Aerosmith. Yeah, but has he seen Bosch?

He says no. It's really good. It's impossibly delicious. He's glad that he's no longer bleeding out because perhaps one day he can meet this great warrior, Bosch. Ken's just stroking his beard trying to think of another poem. I can at least quote

Beat Bosch with sour cream and potatoes. I don't know. There's Probably could at least coat beef bosh with sour cream and potatoes. There are some stairs going up, and Edmund said that there were quarters around here. You notice there's three doors on either side of the room and another stairwell ahead where Woody had tried to retreat. Well, let's scan it out. Cool. Whatever you say, you're the boss oh my god

you hear whimpering behind a couple of the doors one side of the room there's is Tony Danzen with us? is Tony Danzen with us? oh no don't say it I'm just wondering who's the boss.

I'm going to watch for words. I'm going to gaybox you. Oh god. Have you ever been gayboxed? So yeah, you hear whimpering behind two of the doors You think there's definitely people behind those You don't know what's going on behind the other four doors Shit At least the poor people

Who are whimpering Behind them there's a Woman and then another woman Both the women were kind of Whimpering they look Gaunt like Edmund They confirm they were servants of the masters They've got a simple straw bed

Do you have some more masters? We've got some more masters to get rid of I said the masters are coming tonight The masters are coming tonight Wash their faces So they indicate the third door there is Edmund's quarters, and then there's another servant on the other side of the room, but you don't want to open the other two doors.

Why? They say something not unlike what Edmund said in the kitchen. There's horrors you don't want to. Well, they don't say anything about feeding, but they say there's something behind those doors that no man should see. Which doors are these? The far right... Okay, so you're...

Room, stairwell, stairwell. Quarters, quarters, quarters. Quarters, room don't open, room don't open. Okay. Let's not open those rooms. All right. You head over to the other quarters and there is a very heavy set man named Chester.

He thanks you for killing two of the masters. Looks forward to seeing what you will do next. Also encourages you not to open the other two doors. Alright. Alright. Now you make me want to.

Well, they do seem to say it almost like perfunctorily. alright now you make me want to well you do they do seem to say it almost like perfunctorily almost as if they've been told to say it so you don't know for sure if they're saying it because they were told to say it or like they're partially still under the control or if they're

I don't know I don't want to see what's in there I don't either you don't hear any noises on the other side what should we do they said I don't want to see what's in there. I don't either. You don't hear any noises on the other side. Okay. What should we do? They said the Masters day quarters by which they mean

night quarters are up the flight of stairs. They're not allowed to go up there. They've never been up there before. What's his name? Woody just wandered around

and he didn't have a place to stay? Woody? Didn't have a place to stay? No, Woody required no. It's his name? Woody just wandered around. He didn't have a place to stay. Woody didn't have a place to stay. No, Woody required no... It was just a fucking mess. Yeah. Chester says he always thought Woody

was a demon that the Master had slain and taken pity on. He was just a lucky octopus. Well, let's... Are there any... We checked out the room where the guy was killed before. That's where his coffin was.

Yeah. There's some other kind of living quarters upstairs. Let's go check it out. Check out some living quarters. It's weird that undead things would have living quarters. Am I right? They should have dead quarters. So it's another turret

with spiral staircases that take you up. Sure, let's go up. Big oaken door. What do you do? Walk in. Oh, we'll check it first. Right?

Yeah. Roll. Check it for dangerous. Roll against your deck, son. That's good. It is good. That's way below. Nothing there. All right. Come on. This is okay. All right, cool. son that's good it is good nothing there

alright come on this is okay alright cool uh you open the door and there's a

short hallway that plunges into inky blackness about five feet in front of you it seems strange where

hmm it seems like magical blackness uh I got my we all get night vision, right?

Can't see through it for some reason. It's like a torch. Sure. It somehow can't penetrate the blackness unless you get really close. Wow. Do you put the torch as close to it as I can? The torch goes out when you get close. Yeah, weird.

It's like the stuff of the woods or something. You hear a hissing noise from the blackness. Oh, dear. It's some kind of mist gel person, thing, creature. Probably. So maybe we should back off. Yeah, shut the door and get out. Do you shut the door or do you... What do you do? Get out and shut the door and get out. Do you shut the door or do you...

What do you do? Get out and shut the door? Yeah. Alright. No problem. There's some weird shit up there, guys. Let's go ask around and see if anybody knows what that's all about. Hey, free slave vampire person.

What's going on upstairs? That's the master's quarters That he told us we weren't allowed to go in Which master? Master Amalegda The Count Amalegda That we killed? The one who slept You killed in his sleep, yeah

Oh He would go up there to Sometimes entertain Interesting Hang out while he was awake. We were never allowed to go inside. He told us the things that he tended to up there required no human assistance. We've never been in the room.

Yeah, it seems like a very bad place to go into. We would leave meals for him on the outside of the door. And he just hung out there? Yes. His idea of hung out there? Yes. His idea of a good time? Yes. He wouldn't always go up there alone. But he would always come out alone.

Weird. So if the master's not here, would you be afraid to go up there? They said they do feel a little more brave. Would you like them to go check? Yes. Go check on what's up there. Are you sure the master is dead? Yes.

Edmund's not here to reassure them, so they're sort of looking to use it. Yeah, we'd kill the heck out of them. So you open the door and you ask them to... They get a little nervous when they approach the inky blackness, but they step through. They disappear into the blackness. Uh-huh. What's going on? All three of them.

Do you see anything? They don't respond. Oh, they're good. Okay. Well, those Oasis are perfectly good people. I mean, do you want to wait and see what happens? Yeah, I mean, wait. They might be going.

I'm back. Hello? Hello? Buzz? see what happens or wait yeah i'm back hello hello boss nothing aloha oh yeah let's grab another person and send him in with the rope poltergegeist style. You go across the room, you head downstairs, you find Edmund waiting down there, trembling. He says he'd be willing to try the rope experiment. Sure. See you later.

Why were you rescuing people and sending them to their death? So, he goes in with the rope, and the rope, as soon as he disappears, becomes taut. Oh. Pull the rope. Pull it. You as he disappears becomes taut oh pull the rope pull you can't get it to move um but it's it's pulling very slowly in in so you've either got to let go of this rope or tie it off yeah you tie it off on the door frame perhaps it's like a man's third ear sure so like you there's hinges on the door you kind of throw it around a hinge and tie it off on the door frame perhaps sure it's like a man's third ear sure so like you there's hinges

on the door you kind of throw it around a hinge and tie it off like that and uh it stops getting yanked but it also stays taut and you can't get any you try like pulling down on it you can't get I don't know what to do with this Weird blackness It's like Stephen King's The Mist But black It's a happier ending You hear and you're not sure where it's coming from You hear screaming

Oh dear We're not sure where it's coming from. You hear screaming. Oh, dear. We're not sure where it's coming from. No, it sounds very far away. It's not coming from the blackness? You can't tell if it's coming from the blackness or down the stairs. It's probably in the dark. Let's go out of the door. Let's go out of the door and see if we can hear it.

It is coming from across the room and down the other set of stairs. Oh. Oh, good. So it's something here. Let's go run stairs. Oh. Oh, good. So it's something here. Let's go run to the screaming. Oh, my God. Something to distract us from this inky black... Uh, let's shut the door before we leave.

Alright, so you shut the door. Um, you leaving your four recently, uh, freed servants. You're welcome. And, yeah, so you head down. You hear the screaming is coming from outside. Oh, dear.

Yeah. The screams are coming from outside the house. Okay, what do you see? Anything? What do you look outside? You get to the front entrance hall's double doors. you get to the front entrance halls double doors and in a pile there are three uh what look like inside out bodies cool oh no where did they come from i was thinking something they're in a wet pile where they can we see middle of the courtyard they look like they fell from above okay uh do we

see the guy like you think you see hanging up there almost as if suspended in the mist what looks like someone maybe hanging by a rope. It's that mist that turns people inside out. Okay. An adverse mist. Somebody go in there and

release the rope and I'm going to try to catch him. Okay. I'll go up and cut the rope. How far up is he? How far up is he? He's like three stories up. No, I don't have feather fall. Three stories? That's not that far. I fell that far.

I broke my back. Half that far. I got him. I got him. Maybe that's a bad idea. I'll let you think about it for a turn, say. We could make an Alaskan trampoline. It wouldn't be the first bad idea I've had

in D&D. We could gather all the people. I think our listeners like it when I have bad ideas. People are nervous about the Inside Out bodies, but there's still a few people who seem willing to help you. Okay, so we'll have to stretch out a blanket and catch the guy. Did it go Inside Out from the fall?

You don't know. Does he look like he's Inside Out right now? You can't tell. He's mostly shrouded in mist. You just see his shape. He might be already dead. What's that? I don't know. He's not making any sounds mist. You just see his shape. He might be already dead. He's not making any sounds when you call out to him. The inside out guy.

Okay, we do call out to him. And he doesn't. All right. Letkus went ahead and started acting. Hang in there, then. Unless you want to cut him free and see what happens and just watch them i don't really want to see that all right so there's a pile of um 56 minutes uh wet veiny humanoid shapes

yeah yeah yeah enough let's get back to the game um what do you want to do eat the the turkeys of course you're not that low on rations yet

uh uh I'll just lick them up um shit what else is happening

in this crazy big stuff well there's there's more to the castle You can go explore the castle more You've just Spent your second hour Let's figure out what we're doing Fighting this guy

Oh wow we're playing in real time Pretty much That's cool Six hours before the RSVP. So in six episodes, you guys. When the 310 to Yuma gets here. It's going to be like Mad Monster Party. Eek!

Yow! They did the bosh. They did the monster bosh. No monster bosh. Oh my god. What should we... Seriously. Oh, no battery.

We see Bosh. It's really good. Low battery. Stars. I think the Mac wants us to wrap it up. What's his name? Tiller... Tiller?

Tiller? Who plays Bosh? Yeah, let's call it. Tiller? Tiller? I'm going to throw some ads on this. Tiller? Tiller?

Tolliver? Tiller? Tiller? Tills? Titus Welliver We're in a good spot We're in a great spot to call it Fans we love you We love your wet genitals

Go to our Follow us on Facebook Speak for yourself I hate their wet genitals Can you believe Steve Agee just came in here and said that Follow us on Facebook. Check out our Patreon account. Thanks for your support.

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