Nerd Poker - Episode 11 - Thoggis

Episode Date: April 3, 2019

The most epic battle yet unfolds, and our heroes discover that they have stumbled into the lair of something far more sinister (and gross) than they had originally anticipated. Only luck will allow them to escape with their lives. Sadly Blaine missed out on this episode, but don't worry, he's fine and will be back next episode!

Hey everybody, I'm Brian Poussin, Comedian, writer, actor, nerd. I've been playing D&D with my friends for a long time. I decided to do a new podcast where we play Dungeons & Dragons in my very own dining room. With my wife, kid, and my noisy dogs. So meet my friends Sarah, Kev, Dan, Blaine, Chris. Now it's time for another episode of Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker. Season three. Hey, everybody.

I'm Brian Poussaint, and you're listening to Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker. All my friends are here. Well, we're missing one, but we're going to start. Blaine figured out how to suck his own dick, and he didn't leave the house. Great. Can you blame him? Hello. Sarah.

Hello. Ken. Hi. Dan. Hey there. And then Sam. Hi, everyone. And Mavis.

Mavis is in for Blaine. Woof, woof, woof, Mavis. Is that her own name? Huh? No, I'm speaking her language. That was Bernie's mountain dog. Licky's in here, too. Licky, how are you in this room and not freaking the hell out? Ro-ro-ro, Licky.

Oh, don't bark at Licky or she'll go off like a fire alarm. Well, last time on Nerd Poker. Yes, hello. Hi, everybody. It's... Uh-oh. Licky, it's It's, uh-oh. Lick. Lick.

Licky. It's just me, Dan, that guy who comes to your house once a week. What's up, dog? So, last time on. Lick. He's not having it. Last time. It's when I do it.

It is. It's the voice. Oh, my goodness. I'll get her out of it. It is. It's the voice. Latin. Oh, my goodness. I'll get it right here. Okay. Last time on Nerd Poker, our heroes broke into the city hall of Bozor to try to, you know,

confront the guy who's become sort of the de facto mayor, but he's more of a fascist slumlord who is ruling over Bozor and took over a vacancy, what do you call it, a vacuum of power after the comet hit and the mayor died of ice poisoning. You guys knew he wouldn't expect you because he sent at least one, if not more, execution squads out into the street to take out whoever killed Marshal Dugsuck, what he called Dugsuck, a real asshole of a troll that

broke into a bar and you guys murdered the shit out of him. And you made quite a spectacle of his corpse, so he wanted a public execution. You guys had something else in mind. You killed the executioner squad. You broke in the back. You snuck through a little room full of slop.

It was weird slop. It was garbage and entrails and shit. You weren't sure why it was there. But after you went through that room, you discovered why it may have been there. A back room of City Hall filled with piles of trash. And beneath

the trash, Dianoga-like, an odiug hid, waiting for you to make a noise. And you ran through the door kind of last second. You were kind of a bunch of wussies. But, uh... That Odiug was DTF, and you weren't up for it. What? So, you went through the door and snuck out,

and you managed to get into the sub-basement of City Hall, where, you know, you had a darkthor sneak in there, kind of stepped on his own foot or the carpet or something, made a little noise. So as you walked in this big, empty-ish room with a big bed at the other end of it and a big roly-poly creature of some kind underneath a red curtain. He improvised and he said it was Admiral Darkthor at his service

and he said, would you say you and the boys decided you were in charge now? Yeah. And the deception roll went quite well. But I couldn't keep the farce going very long. He gave you a beat to hear you out. And instead of improvising more, you absolutely panicked and bum-rushed him, stabbing him in one of his exposed eyeballs.

And then he revealed himself. He is a beholder the size of three or four of you. He has flesh-colored flesh with hints of sparkling gold on his scales and what looks like chunks of ice crystal jammed into his flesh he's kind of a disco beholder with glowing gold eyes as well so he has given up on the deception now that you've attacked him dark sir and uh we haven't rolled initiative just yet, but now's the time when we do, everybody. So roll for initiative, and then we'll talk.

Well, if this goes dead, then so is he. Yeah, there's a line. Thagas rolled a one on his initiative. So did the smartass. What's that with your bonus there? You really set yourself up. That was like an eight. I have the initiative bonus of seven,

so that's an eight for you. Yeah, me too. What you got, Queep? 17 with my bonus. What you got, Halc? 17. With my bonus. What you got, Halcine? 21. Why am I still doing the voice? You're respecting my 21.

We should all do the voice. That's a fantastic role. TikTok, what you got? 24. Oh, shit. Shit. It's like 2001 in here. I'm proud of us for having that much breath considering how much marijuana smoke has been gone through those esophagi.

I stayed out of that. You guys did your whole THX moment. All right. So TikTok, you whole THX moment. All right. So TikTok, you burst into the room. Yes? Si, senor. I'm giving you that as part of your last action. This is where time slows down to those little six-second turns.

You come in and you see this giant flesh-colored beholder hovering over Darkther. And you've never seen one of these before, but I think that, um, the, uh, Baron of pepper green would have told you a little bit about some of the more dangerous magical creatures in the world.

And this is one of the ones that's a little more rare, but, uh, he's, you, they're usually so powerful that you've, you've seen drawings of these before. Papa,

tell me a story. Well, uh, I guess here's the story I'm drawings of these before. Papa, tell me a story. Well, I guess here's the story I'm going to tell you. They're real powerful, and if you see one, just run away. Oh. So... Oh, I thought there'd be more. Not about what they do or how to fight them.

No, but it looms large over Darkthor, who's taken a few steps back, uh you hear you hear the whole conversation uh go sour and he he tells him he's no longer interested in having him as his admiral uh all right so i would say i would immediately shout to everybody uh spread out and then i'm going to cross away from the group like one two sort of here ish and then i will shoot my bow at his big head go for it oh a 25 that's a head is that a natural 20 no it was, it was a bonus on that.

So it's 10 piercing damage. Holy moly. So, yeah, you nail this thing right in its carapace. And it kind of. It's carapace, you say. Yeah, it knocks a big chunk of ice crystal off of it and uh it's he he kind of just like grinds his teeth against each other and um you see one of the uh eye stalks kind of like like focus in on you don't care for that i don't like that one bit and uh is that your turn yeah i mean there's it doesn't look like there's any cover anything it looks like a giant empty rectangular room and he's

at the far end is that correct uh what's your passive perception 12 i mean right now it's huge and you're focused on him, so I'll just say there's wooden floors. The walls are sort of plaster. You feel like there used to be vents in this space, but a lot of stuff has been gone. It looks like there's some clutter around the bed.

He looks like maybe he holes up in here because he avoids other beings. That's all I'll give you with the 12 unless you wanted to. I would like, can I, do I still have, can I still perceive in my turn or am I done? I think it counts as an action, doesn't it? Oh yeah.

Okay. Then I'm done. All right. Like to try to investigate or something. Yeah. Yeah. So that brings us to Halcine. We've got spell cards now, by the way, everybody.

Sure do. Thank you, Wizards of the Coast. We got these courtesy of Greg Tito over there. Thanks, guys. They're keeping us in power. Thank you for our speak. They've been awesome. They've also been plugging us online.

Yeah, and that's Satine Phoenix. And they're listening listening and I'm getting fun messages. There's nothing more exciting than loving this game and then seeing that game tell people to listen to you playing it again. It's the greatest thing in the world. I was in denial because... To have actual Dungeons and Dragons say,

hey, these guys are cool. Oh my goodness. Halcine, what you thinking? I am thinking that I am going to um could i make a soundtrack um i'm gonna cast oh shoot that's a melee spell um i don't have my one. How close is he in feet? 10 feet. He's 10 feet away. All right. I guess I'm going to throw my javelin. Yeah, that's cool.

And I'm going to spread out. If I can do that with one action or I don't know how much I can move on my one. 30 feet. So I'm going to spread out. Dunder cheap. Here. And then I'm going to throw my javelin at him. Go for it.

30 feet and the Thunder Cheat. Oh my god! You guys are crushing it. Hell yeah. It's a plus 4 to hit also. So I roll damage. That is so a hit.

Oh, hell see. It doesn't do that much damage. Do you want to call your shot? Yeah, I'm going to pick. Can I pick a stock? Yeah. With a critical, I will let you pick a stock. Okay, I'm going to pick.

Oh my gosh, they're all so gross. I'm going to pick the one that's like right here on on okay okay i'm gonna make a note too which one it is so i feel like that don't beholders have a different thing from each eye um subdue it depends each beholder is a bit uh unique oh all right and i would say uh what's what's your uh do you have like a passive insight um insight i mean i have a plus three to my insight and my passive wisdom insight is 13 okay i mean yeah i mean you you just look at this thing and think oh one of these right so uh so eight plus two so ten and you're doubling that right no i mean it's a 1d6 for a javelin so i just doubled

my okay so 10 damage that's still fantastic i don't double the plus right it's you double the die roll you think i thought you doubled the damage according to former bonus episode guest joe manganello you double all dice and then add bonus that That is correct. Yes. Sorry. Did I pronounce his name correctly? Yes. Say again? I meant to. If I did not, I meant to pronounce his name.

If you subscribed on our Patreon, you could listen to that. Joe Manganiello, I believe is how it's pronounced. He knows everything about D&D. Oh my God. It's so fun. It's incredible. When someone knows that much

and they can dungeon explain to you without it being pretentious. It was delightful. So, yeah, you nail this thing in the eye, and it just stuck in there. And you see dark red blood spray out of the eye. That is hurting him bad. You know, the one that Darkthor stabbed, you could kind of pick it out, too, when he floated

off the bed, because even though its eye was kind of looking at you, it was kind of twitching like an earthworm that you would accidentally step on. So this one is now twitching even more wildly because it's lodged in there. Great. It's trying to

shake it out. Good news. Yeah, you guys have already done. It is good news, Dark Thur. Already done. We are winning the fight. Well, a nice chunk of damage. Admiral Dark Thur and his semen.

Well, yeah, he used to work on the docks and pilot. Did you ever pilot a boat? Did you ever have your own semen? Sure. Okay. You possess semen, everybody. All right. So that'll bring us to Queep.

Did you have another bonus action or anything you're going to use? Was that not enough? I mean, he doesn't look happy with you. Queep, you're up. I'm going to use my crossbow with the doorway as cover. Okay. Pop in and shoot. 20. Holy shit. i watched it happen new dice yep nice who dis different all right oh my god you guys this thing is not easy to hit and you're fucking

wailing on it you should be disappointed a little bit right uh oh i'll have my turn yeah i think you should do fine oh god you laugh like a batman villain don't enjoy it yeah roll your damage double it and then add the dice or modifier uh one b 10 plus two so So 10 plus 2. 12. Do you want to call this shot, too? What do you... I'll go for the big old honking eye in the middle. Oh, nice.

The one on his face, not on a stalk. So you nail his middle eye right as it's blinking. My middle eye, man. And he tries to open his lip and he's like trying to shake it out but he's just like does he have like a funny catchphrase that he shouts when he gets hurt all

these times it's always my eye yeah he says mother felker what does that mean that's from Captain Marvel the good place oh is it oh yeah yeah yeah my eyes the goggles they do nothing uh yeah yeah yeah he says uh he says uh i don't know i don't know why why can't i can't i can't improvise dialogue when i'm prompted but

if it was my like turn to come up with it on my own. See, improvising is hard. It is. And I did it for like a while. So I'm bad. Chris shrugs because he's got more experience. I know. Well, he like actively just did improv like yesterday.

Yeah, that's true. So like I'm way out of practice. Ah, you can do it. I'm a stand them up. I like to sit in a room and write everything out. Admiral Darkthir is solid 100% gold. That was in the moment. That's all I've got.

That's all we needed. I can improv for like a beat at a time. That's all we needed. I definitely told the story of when I was in high school and everyone's like, you should do improv. And I'm like, I should do improv. And the first time I got on stage in front of anybody, I was supposed to be a pilot teaching a plane full of people how to fly

because the plane was going down and I was dying and I just died immediately. So I didn't have to say anything. I mean, within 10 seconds of the scene beginning. And I just fell to the floor and lay there. I just stayed there because I was too scared. So I'm just saying, I think your improvising skills are going really well. Yes, I think you're doing great. He says, I also pimped you into

doing it he says i caught it in the eye by beholden caulfield oh my god oh my god i'm pumping my fist in celebration it took me a minute but it was worth it uh all right so you got anything you're doing you're raging right, right? So you get a second attack. Oh, yeah. Okay. I'm going to just say if you're fighting a beholder, you meant to rage. I just didn't know with a ranged weapon if you still got it. Right?

I guess so. Right, Bodhi? Rage just means you get two attack actions. No matter what. Two attack actions. When you're a higher level, you can friend these. I never used ranged. That was a three.

What's your bonus? Two. Just kidding. I. What's your bonus? Just kidding. I know it's not enough. You're fucked. All right. Here comes Dr. Uid. I'm ducking back behind the door.

He's the one they call Dr. Uid. So Dr. Uid goes to attack. And let me just check real quick what his options are. Are you going to check his stats? I am. So he has... He takes out his... His thorn whip. And he moves in front of you, TikTok.

So he's just going to move there. And he's going to... Like this? One more to the wall. He's going to kind of stay against the wall. Got it. And he's going to hold his action. Ooh, nice.

So then we've got Thogas, right? No, you're right. I missed it somehow. Darkthor, you're up. I wrote your number, but not your name. Sorry, I'm doing, you guys guys my first time dungeon mastering with no laptop how's it going yeah i fucking forgot dark for his name so fine it's you see uh i'm gonna cast darkness um at his uh big eye uh you do not have darkness because you've cast it today. Oh, shit. Okay. Then I will disguise self, and I'm going to be a totally new person.

He takes on a second character. I'm going to be Captain Dark. All of a sudden, he's Bodhi, and he has 87 hit points. Morgan stands the name. I just came into this cabin by accident. Apologies, everyone. What's going on here? I just came into this cabin by accident What's going on here?

No, I'm just going to stab him Okay But two-handed attack Alright, so you're going to have to close in Because he is ten feet off the ground So you can reach him, but You're going to have to get on the bed Does he have to get on the bed?

Yeah, I would run up, try to jump on the bed, and then I'll yell, send it, and then I'll... Doorbell, let's pause. All right, so you go to attack him, and you say what? I'll let you get a redo. What were you going to say? Well, no, I didn't have a thing I was going to get a redo. What were you going to say? Well, no, I didn't have a thing I was going to say to him.

Cool. Why don't you roll to attack and see how successful it is before you commit to how powerful this catchphrase is going to be because you might regret the hubris. I think this catchphrase thing is going great. I wasn't going to use a catchphrase. And now a timeless catchphrase from Dog Thirstery. Why? And now a timeless catchphrase from Dog Thirstery.

Why? On one hand, it's a 13. As he swings his longsword through the air and connects with more air. You gonna go for it with your second attack?

13 doesn't... No, 13 does not hit. Alright. Alright. That's another miss. Yeah, another miss. He's swinging you swing. Damn it. That bet is so bouncy.

So he's not- What did I need to get to hit him? It's a D&D secret for now. All right. It's part of the fun. I like to have you guys slowly figure out the armor class. D&D secret. I feel like once you've narrowed it down enough, it makes sense for me to say it.

But right now, I feel like the listeners, too, there's a certain amount of suspense. They're like, what do they need to get this guy? What does that say? Who knows? So he goes to bite Darkthor. You see this giant maw

open up to clamp down on your Darkthor. Is his eye still pinned shut, the main eye? He's blinking. He's trying to blink it out. Okay. But he botched him a rude. By his own tongue? That really hurts. Can he shoot himself with one of his eyes?

He rolled an 80. This is the most ridiculous boulder fight ever. So far. Okay, so. What the hell? I like it though. He smashes down on his own tongue

with those giant fangs he almost instinctively was just trying to like use his tongue to like knock the arrow out of his eyeball and instead did it at the same time that he bit down and he takes let's just say a whole lot of damage

and you see blood spray out of his mouth as he howls again. I said ha-ha. This ha-ha you earned. Tick-tock, you're up. I will maybe cross a little bit center just

to sort of keep being the doctor. How did you get multiple crits and then he botched on the first round? This is so fucking D&D. I didn't get to do any of my Simpsons. I always steal things from the Simpsons like that, but I didn't do it in front of Selman. Oh, that's right.

I would wonder if he would catch things from his own show. That's a 21. Whoa, that's a hit, man. Cool, bro. Jesus Christ, you guys are rolling hot. Nine points of piercing damage. Did you get a bonus to that? That is with a bonus.

And that's doubled? No. That wasn't a crit. It was not a crit. That was just a 21 with a bonus. What's the total again? I interrupted you like three times. Shoot, I forgot what I just said. It was a nine 21 with a bonus. What's the total again? I interrupted you like three times. Shoot, I forgot what I just said.

It was a nine. It was nine. Okay, so one second. I need to do some math. So this is going to be, you guys have done, I mean, just a fun amount of damage to this guy. You have hacked at him so much, and you just see there's a lot of blood. Good.

Try and catch it before it ruins the sheets, Darkthir. You feel like you still have in no way seen the power this thing is capable of though because of how... Not interested. No, thank you. I am good as is.

Cool. And that's what you're doing for your turn? Yeah, I crossed and I shot. We should have an email chat or something about everybody's bonus actions because I keep checking in with you to see if you're going to spend one, but you guys may or may not know.

Some of you might. Some of you might not. What you can do with bonus actions. It's easier for me to track when it's attacks because it's just really obvious. You would just swing again. I don't have a bonus action. I have a bonus reaction.

And I have not been hit by anything as well. My only bonus action is... Listeners, I think, like to hear this stuff too. My only bonus action is a two-handed attack, but I have to be in melee range. Yeah, okay. So we're going to go to Halcine who does a thing. I do.

I guess I'm going to Oh boy. Really used a lot of spells on those little bugbears earlier. And my javelin is wedged in its eye. So, one of its eyes. So I guess Sacred Flame it is.

Okay. I don't have the card for that, I don't think. Do I? Maybe not. We've got spell cards. So, I'm going to have to look it up. Hold on. While you look that up, Brian, do you have a commercial for us? God, I wish.

Okay. What level are you casting it at? One? Yeah. Cool. I bet I can pull it. Do we have any paladinos? I did find one. Yeah, I wasn't sure if uh because i i checked with you guys and nobody could remember for sure if we'd done this one yet but i thought of it the other day uh last week at paladinos um i saw sam elliott smith i know we've done elliott smith

before but i don't think we've done Sam Elliot Smith. I like Sam Elliot Smith. That's great. There's a lot of mustache work. The needle in the head. Remind us what Sacred Flame does while I make one more attempt to see if I can find the card. I don't think I have the scarf.

Sacred Flame is my favorite banglesong. Flame-like radiance descends on a creature that you can see within range the target must succeed on a dexterity saving throw or take 1d8 radiant damage nice the target gains no benefit from cover for this saving throw which is cool okay but it's not very much damage even if i all right so you so these are the flames are being fired at him uh no it descends upon him sacred flame what and what is the like radiance dexterity throw he has to make a dexterity saving fired at him? No, it descends upon him. Sacred flame. And what is the dexterity throw

he has to make? Dexterity saving throw. Okay. 11. What is the spell save DC that Halcyon has? I thought this has to do with his dexterity. It is. Well, he rolled with his dexterity saving throw modifier. Wait, can you read it again

yeah you're doing it right spell save dc is 13 that's a hit okay yeah by the way listeners who know a lot about beholders i'm aware of all the cool fun little sneaky things that are happening right now that you are aware of i don't know if any of these guys know what's going on but it's there we know everything there's some real fun like jk we don't know what we're doing um i it was only three but it was three three damage yeah okay that that was sacred beautiful uh and yeah as the the fire starts burning into him from above you see a couple of the eye stalks like trying to figure out what the hell is happening in the name of valkyr oh and and so it comes like from the ceiling like it says descends yeah you see there's stuff on the ceiling when this happens

uh it's hard to make out but there's shapes on the ceiling excuse me what pardon with your passive perceptions uh that i have here in my little thing uh it's it doesn't look like any of you can just notice it without checking. And if we check, we can't attack. Basically, yeah. 19. Unless you somehow get close to the ceiling. That's a hit, man.

Again with the crossbow. Nice. I'm truly impressed with the dice rolls that are happening. This is pretty crazy. This is a good day. So nine. Nine points of damage. And then do I get another?

Go for it. I rolled to attack again, though. Yeah. 21. Wow, that's another hit. Jeez, man. Eight. Great job.

So, dunk, dunk, these things just land into the sides of its head. It is so angry right now. You have a feeling it's going to try something different than it did last time. Why? That brings us to Dr. Uwud. He is going to go into

melee range. So bring him right up next to dark there. You guys see him get right in front of this thing. And the second he does, his thorn whip goes out of his hand and he

goes, oh, shit. It vanishes. Yeah. And so he is going to back up one more swear off the bed or at the off the bed. oh, shit. It vanishes? Yeah. And so he is going to back up one more. I swear. Off the bed or at the end? Off the bed, yeah.

There? Okay. Darkthor, you're up. When we started this, the fight, did you take my dread ambush? Yeah, you used your dread ambush to get out of the bed. That's how you ran across the whole room even though you screwed up the stealth roll. So it's still, during this attack,

it adds, which lasts until the end of the round, your walking speed increases by 10 feet. But that was your first attack. You used that when you jumped him. But it says, till the end of your turn. But you used that turn. That was your first turn. That was last episode when you jumped them but it says till the end of your turn but you used that turn that was your first turn that was last episode when you attacked him you got the dread ambush bonus for that but by turn oh shit but what is but tell me what the tell me what the damage bonus is because

i should i should retroactively add it if we didn't if you take the attack action you can make one more additional weapon attack. Oh, fuck. On that first turn. Yeah, you could have done one more weapon attack back then. Oh, see, the way I was reading it was like it was during the whole fight. Right now, it was around. All right. That's what a turn is.

That makes more sense. Yeah, sorry, man. Cool. So I'm going gonna slash at him again twice. Okay. 20 on the dagger. That's a hit. Nice. Roll your damage.

E, E, E, E, E. E, E, E, E, E, E. E, E, E, E, E, E. Damn it Five Alright On the piercing And now we'll try some slashing Piercing and slashing. Piercing and slashing. 20.

What? Yep, plus four. Okay. Creepy. Wow. You rolled a critical? Yes. Jeez.

All right. Where are you stabbing him, man? First of all, that dagger piercing, I mean, you managed to get right under a fucking crystal and just pop it out as you stick it in there what yeah let's hear let's hear slash at his big eye again okay go for it

it's a brilliant damage all right is your long sword yeah all right he still got a javelin stuck in his eye all right damn it and a cross that was less impressive yeah Alright, he still got a javelin stuck in his eye. Ah, damn it. That was less impressive.

That's just a three. Damn it. You slash across it and you kind of rake across his eyelid. Ooh. But, uh... Fuck. Alright. So now he is up up he tilts his head to the side and sort of stares

at uh dr ue could you please pivot him a little bit for me and then you see all of his uh tentacles stiffen and start dancing around um the walls which were previously made of just sort of like cheap old cracked plaster, seem to spring to life. And you see what looks like hundreds of black smoky tentacles that are 10 feet long reach out towards all of you. What? Yeah. You don't know. From around the bed area so uh i'm gonna need let's see

jesus what's happening i'm staying out hal seen do a dexterity saving throw please sure it's good uh 10 alright uh you are grappled by one of these black tentacles it's here?

see where she is? oh from all walls uh yes oh god and the ceiling too uh not the ceiling interesting okay um but the ceiling is also so high and it's dark enough that you would need to somehow light the ceiling or get closer to it to actually see what's going on up there unless you have dark vision do you have dark vision okay you're the only one who's keeping looking up there so uh yeah these things grab hold of hal seen and then some other stuff happens um so i'm gonna do one of these oh that's the fun one okay uh hey creep yes uh do a constitution saving throw.

Oh, dear. By the way, I don't know if I need to tell you now that I'm using my reaction bonus action when it grappled me. Obviously. Oh, after this happens? Well, I'm just saying I don't know how that works. Remind me what the reaction is. 17. It's when a creature within five feet

that you can see hits you with an attack, you can use a reaction to cause the creature to make a dex saving throw, and then it takes damage. Nice. This is my reaction called Wrath of the Storm. Ooh. Hey, buddy.

Are they getting like an electrical shock from the storm? I get to pick lightning or thunder damage. My choice. All right. So that's a fail. So before we get to his constitution saving throw, roll your damage. No, come on. That's a bad die.

It goes, but it still got you well no it doesn't because i wanted to do thunder damage actually too bad doesn't matter it's my choice you gotta make a different sound okay it goes uh so you um see one of the eyes just level on you and you just hear and this laser like light of just pink hotness just streams right at your face and uh just as it's about to hit you queep says and you manage to just kind of like duck your head to the side just in time for this thing to just hit the tentacled wall behind you.

Well, I'm still outside, so it probably came out the door. All right. Wait, the tentacled wall. There are tentacles out here, too. Oh, Jesus. They're everywhere. I got to reroll that one, actually, because of rules. Hey, do a wisdom saving throw, TikTok.

Me? Mm-hmm. I'm sure that'll be fine. Why would you say that? Well, now I have a plus zero, so I guess that's a three. Are you immune to sleep as a Warforged? Ooh. I would think so have i do have some immunities i have to check what they are uh you don't sleep though uh right i'm immune to poison and disease

i'm immune to sleep okay so you just get laid into with this ray and you guys all see this sort of blue smoky thing goes out of the tendril eyeball and it just hits TikTok in his center and you just see the red light go out of his eyes. Night night. And you thud to the side. Uh oh. Damn it. This is where it starts to turn guys.

Get away from this thing. I don't think how Dungeons and Dragons works. Well when it's too powerful to fight. Let's go antique shopping instead. Hey, Halcine. Yes? Do a dexterity saving throw, please. Oof.

It was not good. To the tune of four. Four. All right, so it fixes a stock on you and you hear this weird noises, these rings of light head towards you. And all of a sudden you just feel like time is not moving in your favor. But that's your body.

Everything else around you seems sped up really fast. And you guys just see it hit her. I don't get a saving throw for whatever the thing is. It's only to get out of the way of the thing? No, this is, it's going to hit you. Oh, okay, I see. It's, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm just letting you know that I have-

The saving throw determines if you- I have advantage on saving throws against being charmed, and magic can't put me to sleep. Well, if this had been a charm spell, it would have- Okay, I was just letting you know you are slowed your current status is

slowed interesting yes shit you are you move at half speed I think it is let me check yeah your speed is halved for one minute so that's going to be a few turns unless something else happens what so that's going to be a few turns

unless something else what are you guys going to play as next season next season next episode yeah yeah that's what i mean uh so let's oh dear uh you're you're still asleep t TikTok. Halcine, you're up. Oh. So can I do stuff while I'm slowed or no? Yeah, you just can't run as fast. Okay.

Then I am going to cast. I'm just going to go. Oh, God, you guys are so close to it. Arrgh. Yelduck. Okay, so you said there's something coming from the walls? Yeah. to it um arg okay so are there so are there you said there's something coming from the walls yeah the smoky tentacles yeah you've got one around your

waist actually um and i'm slowed and that's different than the beams right correct okay the walls have tentacles hundreds of them right um and they look smoky i ask because um do you live like an air purifier so frustrating guys i have the perfect thing for this and i can't cast it because

i already used my second level spells on some fucking bug bears because we didn't know we were going to be meeting a beholder. So that's great for everyone. Instead, I'm just going to go ahead and inflict wounds on this thing. Yeah. Go for it. Pretty bad. What's the saving throw he has to make on inflict wounds? Oh, God.

I don't know. Well, you've got cards. I know. I know. It's a melee spell attack. Okay. Nice. So you do the roll. Make his buns sting. And I have a spell attack bonus so you do the roll make his buns sting

and I have a spell attack bonus that I add right yeah that's a bad die what's your bonus it's five so it was only an eight yeah that's a miss you just feel like you can't land the spell you don't have a good enough

focus with a tentacle around you alright Queep you're up oh wait i'm sorry but the same reason i didn't cast it before i just forgot i can't it has to be it's a melee spell attack so i have to be able to reach him oh so wouldn't have even worked well okay well we'll just say that you would know better and we can retcon that okay so then i guess i'll just go ahead and do my, sorry guys, sacred flame again. I am burning another sacred

flame. That's a fail. Yeah. Eat. Damn. All right, so the rain pours down on him once again awesome because the next line of that song is close your eye give me your other eyes no uh because this is coming down on

his head you actually bangles i know brian suggested it you see him sort of flail and dodge a little bit as this thing hurts him real bad. You see one of the eye stalks kind of go limp. Yes. And land against his side. Good. That's good. That'll take us... Huh? I said I'll noodle those stalks. Let's pick up. What? Queep.

More bolts across Mo. 16. That's a miss. It goes against the back wall. What's your passive perception? Two, is it?

Let's see. Two? No, wait a minute. That's not good. Passive 13. Okay. Passive wisdom is 13. Yeah.

Okay. Just curious. Don't see anything. Nope. Okay. Passive wisdom is 13. Yeah. Okay. Just curious. Don't see anything interesting. So your first one goes against the back wall. And I'll shoot again. Also a miss. Yep. Oh.

Again. We got Dr. Ud. Ducking back out. Get him, Doc. Dr. Ud's going to run around the back. He's still on the bed. He does a little bed prance. And he goes,

I'm going to try this again! And he manages not to freak out as he busts his thorn whip out and he's going to attack. Yay! That's a hit good

you just see him lash the shit out of the back of this thing with his thorn whip and that'll take us to Dargthur does the thing turn does it turn and look at the doctor or it's still facing us I'll let it choose what it's doing movement wise.

And one more person. All right. Wake up, TikTok. By the way, I didn't need to do this for. Mechanical clocks. I didn't need to do this for Blank as he automatically succeeded his hit. You've got him flanked. So you have advantage on all attack rolls Blank because he automatically succeeded his hit. You've got him flanked, so you have advantage on all attack rolls right now

because he ran around the back. Got him surrounded. Cool. Well, I will two-hand him again. Do it. First one. I saw that roll, too. What's the bonus? that's a 24 it's a hit nice dagger

roll that dagger damn Come on, man. It didn't even want to go. Low again on that one. That's a five. Okay. Good to know. So the dagger lands and you just kind of get another chip of, you know know it's gold sparkly fleshy scale off of it right okay i'll take it

and this one probably that's a whiff yeah he's moving around too much at this point uh thagas is gonna do the following i don't like this. How do I get around? Let me go between you guys. Okay. Hi, buddy. Thagas realizes he is surrounded,

and he is going to try to hover over here. Ooh, he's moving off the bed. I'm going to need. He's kind of now halfway between the bed and the rest of us. I need to give you a fun reminder that's in your favor. This is going to be an attack of opportunity for both Dr. Uid and Darkthor. Nice. You get a free roll to attack.

Oh, wait. We need to do a quick retcon. Time out. You didn't roll twice for your longsword attack. You had advantage. So roll a second time because you had him flanked last time. Okay, so that's 18. That's a hit.

Oh, good. You figured out it's an 18. All right. For the listener at home, the number was 18. I have five on that one, too. All right. Cool. Slashing damage.

And now you get to do that one more time as he tries to wheel away from you. Do I get a double attack? You get advantage on one attack. You can roll twice for your longsword, say. So 18. That's a hit, and you can

roll again and try and get a crit if you want. Yeah. Nope. Yeah, Blaine's going to thorn whip the shit out of this guy. Eight. Great. You just cut right across his back as he tries to go across. And as he spins around, you get the edge of his mouth.

And you just see a piece of flesh. It hooks him like fish hook. In the corner of his mouth? You just see a skin of gold and peach-colored flesh just flap open and spray more blood across the room. And he bit his tongue? He's not looking good. He's going to have a canker sore for sure.

He's going to get a taste bud out of this. He's not good. However, now he is going to try to murder you some. Uh-oh. All right, so that's going for Dargther. Hey, Dargther, do a wisdom saving throw, please. You have a wisdom save bonus of three. What'd you roll?

So that's an eight. That's a fail. The holder. All right, so you just see this sort of green smoke, like a fog appear in one of the eyes. And then a green laser goes through it and slams into you, Darkthor. And suddenly, this whole thing seems like it's breaking bad. You just have this feeling that these tentacles could get longer at any moment.

This thing could easily fly in your face and bite you in half. And even though you've made a lot of progress, it's not going great. So you are now frightened oh man what does that do to his rolls well that is a great question i'm gonna look that up real quick he probably has advantage that's probably the result of being afraid he's afraid to touch the dice plus 10 to murder that's probably what it is he's afraid he might kill the thing the gift of fear so you are going to try to flee

oh jeez automatically and you have to use a dash so you're going to run all the way across the room right to TikTok. Holy shit. Should I count that? That's one, two, three, four, five, six. You've got your back to Thagas.

How far does he go on a dash? That's going to be 50 total. Dan, what incredible bombo does the Beholder have when he shoots that laser? He says,

No pressure. That's one of my favorite attacks. It's a golden Beholdy. So, Oh, the classic golden beholdy. Hey, Halcine. Yes?

You get hit with a pink laser. Do a wisdom saving throw, please. How dare you? But you have... Go ahead and do your wisdom saving throw. Well dare you go ahead and do your way to the second throw well it wasn't the die because and then roll a second time do you have advantage on this

oh thank goodness 17 plus okay so 22 oh you managed to shake it off but you get the feeling that when you get hit, shake it off, shake, shake. You get the feeling this thing was trying to command your movements. Command this.

And I like slap my thighs. Then I start. Wait, is it my turn? No, it's not. You slap your thighs? Yeah, I'm like, come here, bitch. And then she's going for it. Wow.

Huh. All right. I'm offended. Hey, Queep. Yeah. Do a constitution saving throw, please. Sure. I love doing these.

Get it. Sort of like what a man would do when he says, you know, eat my dick. But she, you know, is not a man holy shit that's a great saving throw so you see um this sort of uh blue light travel very quickly to you and kind of hit you and for a second you don't feel any pain and then you kind of like oh and then you like jump to the side and you just see its whole body suddenly erupt in blue electricity and this arc fly over its head and smash intopt in blue electricity and this arc fly over

its head and smash into the wall behind you. And you see just chunks of plaster. Can you just dodge this stuff left and right here? Kwapa. TikTok makes a sleepy time noise. I don't get to save or anything. TikTok did stop. What am I dreaming about?

Do I remember anything? Electric sheep. So. Sorry. Sorry. That was good. That was amazing. Hal's scene's up. Really? Okay.

Am I still slow or is that done? No, it's still slow. Really? How long is that last? And you're still restrained. You've still got a tentacle wrapped around you. I mean, don't get me wrong. You've done a shitload of damage to um i mean don't get me wrong you've done a shitload of damage to this thing but it's still fucking you guys up um does she know if there's any way does she feel like if she threw something at tiktok it might like wake him or is

it like a not magical sleep there's nothing it's magical sleep it depends on what hal seen considers uh a magical sleep to mean to her. Um, okay. Is there any, can you describe what's in the room to me again? Besides what's your passive perception? Passive perception is, um,

13. Yeah. I mean, you just see there's, there's with all the, the flames you've been casting on something, you see that there's some kind of like stalactites been casting on the ceiling, you see that there's some kind of stalactites or something on the ceiling that don't look like tentacles. They look like they're still...

But there's stuff on the ceiling. Like the ice? Not sure. I mean, I look at it. Can I tell if it's ice? Do an investigation check. I don't even know what that is. Yeah, I'd reroll if it's cock. uh so that's an 18 plus once at 19 so when the blue electricity arcs over its body and slams in the wall trying to hit you notice that it looks like there are stone people stuck upside down to the ceiling like trophies. Huh. Oh, man.

That was nice. Okay. Okay. I guess my question is my other question about all of this. Oh, I have an idea. Hold on. What is it with this world and keeping frozen people upside on the ceiling?

They look like they're stone. I'm just saying, there seems to be a recurring theme here. Yeah. Second time in 11 episodes. Okay, I would like to cast... It's a messed up place. I'd like to cast create water right over TikTok, and then just dump a few gallons of water on him

and see if it'll wake him up. Do a constitution check. Since I can't move. Me? Yeah. Constitution saving throw or just constitution?

Check. Seven. Nah, nothing. You just see water dump on him. Did he look clean? Yeah. I'm sorry.

Yeah, a lot of the dirt and dust that's been shaken loose from those statues stuck to the ceiling has been washed off. Baron Puzzlegig, there's a leak in the ceiling.

Well, I try to keep you nice and clean. Remember to carry some oil with you at all times. I'm a mechanical man. Wash me. Bloop, bloop, bloop. Cut away quick, cut away quick. Queep, you're up. Ah, more of the crossbow edge.

Is that what he says? Yes. Cuckoo-loo-cuck-la. And some of that. 11. That's a miss. Just clap against one of the tentacles. 10.

Miss and a miss. You just keep flailing these things off of the tentacles growing out of the wall. That's going to come around to everybody's favorite druid, Dr. Uid. So let's see. I didn't know he was a druid. Jesus Christ. He's not, actually.

Dr. Uid is going to cast moonbeam yeah cook that thing so let's see it's got to do a constitution saving throw which it should fail you rolled a 20 so you just see this huge beam of white light shoot out of his hands, and it just slams into the wall of tentacles behind the beholder. Yeah. And that is going to take us to Dargther. Hi, Dargther. You're running away.

So let's see. Admiral, stop. Jeez Louise. So this is. From here, Admiral. Perm Louise. So this is... Permission to wake up, Admiral? Do a wisdom saving throw. Oh man. Nothing.

You run out of the room. Are you fucking kidding me? Nope. So you are now in a vestibule where you saw the cot and the stools. It looks like maybe this is like a bodyguard's outpost that's been left ajar. You do notice, once you bolt into the room,

terrified for your life, that, oddly enough, the noise of the odiog, of slamming against a door a couple of doors away at the top of the stairwell is no longer so loud. Okay. And that's going gonna bring us to thogus oops wrong wrong dice you see that uh

uh ray uh aimed at dr. and it fails. Good. This thing hits him. Sounds like a lot of dice you're rolling. Don't think that's necessary at all. You take...

This is going to be... Sarah, how much damage do you think it's going to be? Probably like two? 38. 38? Come on! 30 points of necrotic damage. Shit.

38? Come on! 30 points of necrotic damage. Shit. As you guys just see, this sort of black and silvery light come out of one of its eyeballs and slam into him. And he just... Yeah, and he kind of rolls

five feet to the side as the ray slams into him. Why did he fire on a guy that's sleeping? It's a much worse version of the Sandra Bullock movie. He's trying. You think he realizes there's a sitting duck that he could be slamming into.

Didn't he already use his turn on Dr. Ud? He gets to make three eye attacks per turn if he wants to. Asshole. But does he really want to? Or is he trying to fill a hole that you can't fill? Constitution saving throw, Kweep. Oh, fuck.

Oh, shit. He has dodged every one. Yeah, you've managed to just flap your wings and float out of the way of another. Let Ken do it. I know. He'll do it too. Will he? Because you did it last time and he didn't. I don't want you to make him shy.

He still does it. Go. Ka-klu-ka. Can we all do one? On the count of three, let's all do one. One, two, three. Squawk-a-doo. That's fun.

Oh, my God. We're the nerdiest. All right. Yeah, you're just fucking dodging these things. It's beautiful. I'm trying. TikTok, you just feel your body course with just feels like darkness in whatever wooden and steel veins you have.

Halcine, you're up. Am I still bound by the thing? All right. You can make an acrobatics check to try to break free. Yeah, I'm gonna do that first. Okay. 16. That's a success! Yay!

Okay, so now I'm gonna run to TikTok. Okay. And if I get there in time to try to wake him up, I will do that. You slap him, but he just is, like, magically knocked out. I printed to... I was do that. You slap him, but he just is like magically knocked out. I pray to, I was about to say Darkther, and that is not the name of my god. Do a religion check. You should pray to Darkther.

Oh, you should. Make you sour. Yikes. Seven. All right. Yeah, you just, you feel silence as if you cannot connect with the winds and the clouds above. Okay, well, I position my body in front of so that he can't get a free, but I still have my eye on that eye.

You're shielding him with your body. Yeah, or my shield, yeah. All right, Queep, you're up. I'm going to try to drag Tick Tock out of here. Okay. Oh, Queep enters the room finally. You can get him about halfway back. So if you grab him, yeah.

So now you've got him. Smells like a cracker. Bonus? Do we get a bonus? Yes. Don't even fire at me. I'm on my way out. Oh!

That's a hit. Did you get it? Yeah. Nice. He rolled an 18, so with his bonus, that's better. Did you get it? Yeah. Nice. He rolled an 18, so with his bonus, that's better. He needed an 18. 10. All right.

So you just stack him in the eye again, and now he's got an arrow and a javelin in his eye. Yeah. It's looking ugly. More blood sprays out of his eyeball. Gross. Dr. Uwud is going to run at this thing's back and try his damnedest to thorn whip it oh and he crits yes all right so that's gonna be maybe he's thinking about tenure as he rakes it across his back you

just see a huge spray of scales and crystals splatter and uh skitter across the room dark you're up that okay uh make a saving throw, please. 20. Boom, you snap out of it halfway up the stairs. You try to run back in. Yeah, absolutely. You get to the doorway. Okay.

Do you have any ranged weapon attacks you can make? No, I'm not carrying anything. Maybe you can cast a sassy attitude at him or something. Or aspersions. You're asleep. All right. That's a no, right, Darkthrow? Are you going to do anything else?

No, it doesn't look like I do. Okay, you can hold your action, which you might need if you're about to try to evacuate. You know what I mean? If someone gets your downed member to the doorway. Yeah, sure. How many hit points you got left, TikTok? Three.

Fun. Oh, yeah. Yeah, okay, I'll help him. Okay. This thing bites down on Dr. Ud. I would see them coming towards me, right? He's biting Dr. Ud right now. That doesn't feel nice. Does he get the dodge or anything?

No, he made the attack. All right. He takes... No, he made the attack. He takes 19 points of damage. Is he conscious? Yes. He has 27

hit points. Tick tock. You're still asleep. Hal seen. You keep bringing it up. You're Okay. Hal Seen. You keep bringing it up. You're up. Oh, God. So are we, I guess we're fleeing?

That's what we're all doing now? I think so. Okay, then I'm going to cast. You're at least trying to get your guy out through the door, is the way I interpret it. I don't want Dr. Uid to get lost. He is currently just, yeah. That's my concern here.

Okay, I'm going to cast and just hope that this helps and doesn't hurt, but it will help the rest. I'm going to cast Fog Cloud centered around the boulder. Okay. Remind us what that does. You create a 20-foot radius sphere of fog centered on a point within range. The sphere spreads around corners and its area is heavily obscured.

Okay. It lasts for up to one hour. That's a long fog. All right. Queep, you're up. Dragon. All right, you can get him through the doorway. All right, and I'll fire for my second.

All right, so you smush him through the door past Darker, but you're staying... I know where I fired before. Well, Dr. Uwe is there. Yeah, he hasn't moved, so you can try to aim. And I'll aim high since... Yeah, I mean, I might give him a bonus to dodge, Dr. Uwud is there. Yeah, he hasn't moved, so you can try to aim. And I'll aim high since he's up in the air. Yeah, I mean, I might give him a bonus to dodge, basically,

by giving him a higher. Yeah, it's a miss. So it just goes into the fog. And I'm going to give Dr. Uwud Come on, doctor. This is going to be the final attack roll of the episode. Oh, this is a good one. Isn't he trying to get out of there?

No. He saw how much a good one. Isn't he trying to get out of there? No. He saw how much that last one hurt, and he just rolled a natural 20. Yes. Whee. What did he do? Was it a thorn whip? Oh, he's thorn whipping the shit out of this guy. Blaine, I wish you were here for this.

Blaine, I wish you were here for this. So you guys just see him pull his whip back, lash it across the face, and all of a sudden, this giant fucking sack of hammers just goes poof on the ground. It's toast. He killed it? No fucking way.

Eat it, thug. I had 190 hit points. He did? They are all gone. Ow! A thug lingers above its head. What if I heal him right now? That's amazing. Kweeper, Halcine, maybe

Halcine did a bunch, but you guys holy fuck, the tentacles disappear off the wall. And everything is very quiet. Holy shit. What is that? That was part of his. So he gets a lair action. You guys went straight into his lair, so he gets all sorts of bonus legendary

shit he can do if you attack him in his home base. That's why I stayed at the door. I just texted him. You killed the beholder. Holy shit. Brave adventurer. Wherever the fuck he is. It's tactical. Yeah. The cockaroo.

Yeah. And Kweep has a victory cry of, Klau! You guys are all level four. Ooh! Nice. I need those hit points. So we'll take care of that between now and next episode because we're going to make it a one one episode night because we stayed waiting to see where Blaine

to be and this this brings us to our favorite point in the evening. Everybody. Oh, engineer Sam. Yeah. Would you like to know what happened today? Yeah, what really actually happened?

Oh, tick tock burst into the room with an energy and shot an arrow at the big head. How seen got a critical hit? Is this where the phrase I the beholder comes from? How old is this game? Admiral Dark Ther and semen is very funny. Ken got a twenty, which is very good. It is very funny to watch five comedians. I admire not be able to come up with one catchphrase. Brian raked an eyelid and now the walls are alive.

TikTok got lasered and went into a sexual coma. Sarah is mad. She used up all her spells. Sarah slapped her thighs and then explained it several times. Ken got hit with blue, almost got hit with blue electricity and there's stone people in the ceilings. And then Sarah bathed TikTok. That didn't happen at all.

TikTok got slammed while sleeping, and Dan rolled many dice. Dark Thur rolled a saving throw and ran back in. Dr. U had got bit, and everyone at the table winced, so I assume that's bad, that a 19 is bad. And at first I thought it was a literal sack of hammers, but now I get it and I'm excited because we killed the eye. Yay. You guys were so close too.

I know we were slightly over time and everyone wants to go home and go to sleep, but I wanted to make sure. Yeah, that was great. I was like, let's have some closer. How close to dying were we? I think you were closest to dying. Blaine still had 11 hit points left.

But what would have happened if you... I mean... You rolled so well out of the game. He's got crazy attacks. He would have focused like three... You took a third of his hit points off in like two rounds. I only have 18 hit points. So if I had taken the hit that...

Yeah, you'd be dead. That TikTok hit, I'd be dead. Yeah, that's the thing. He had all sorts of deadly shit. And when I was trying i was trying to make it truly random and take any hit point there's a there's a table yeah where you roll to see which rays he use uses and uh yeah there's all sorts of shit he has an anti-matter cone or anti-magic cone out of his main eyeball so that's why the thorn whip disappeared when dr ran at him so if you guys had ever cast a spell face on and that's why it was so good that sarah had the fire rain down on him

from above if you had if it had been like out of your hands towards him your hands would have produced nothing oh cool you would have just been like but um that's why you kept asking if it was from uh but you guys did magnificent. Level three party should not be able to kill a beholder. Fans will criticize why I didn't kill you all. It's beautiful. No, we did start out

with a bunch of weird roles. The weird roles were fucking amazing. That was... Thank you, troops. Admiral Darkthir troops Admiral Darkthir Admiral Darkthir signing off oh yeah

started this dumb adventure as he dies Thagas hits the ground and you just hear him cry out worst Admiral ever thanks for listening we never said what number this was Admiral ever! Thanks for listening. We never said what number this was.

This episode is 11. I didn't say that at the top. Thanks for listening. Thanks for listening to another episode of Nerd Poker. You can follow us at patreon.com slash nerdpoker and you get bonus episodes from there. And you can also send us anything at P.O. Box 16069, Encino, California, 91416. Thanks for listening.