Nerd Poker - Episode 12 - Golden Stratagem

Episode Date: April 10, 2019

A despot deposed, our heroes struggle with their newfound responsibility, including whether they should share their newfound glory with the local dregs under Thoggis' employ. TikTok soul-searches himself, and others.

Hey everybody, I'm Brian Poussin, Comedian, writer, actor, nerd. I've been playing D&D with my friends for a long time. I decided to do a new podcast where we play Dungeons & Dragons in my very own dining room. With my wife, kid, and my noisy dogs. So meet my friends Sarah, Kev, Dan, Blaine, Chris. Now it's time for another episode of Brian Posehn's Nerd Poker. Season 3. Hey, everybody.

This is Rose Posehn, and you are listening to Brian Posehn's Nerd Poker. This is episode 12 of season 3. Have fun. Thanks, buddy. Rose! Doing the job thanks dude a regular Casey Kasem who's that

well he was the voice of Scooby Doo and he was also the voice of Mark on Battle of the Planets that's true nice impression of Blaine who I haven't introduced All my friends are here you guys Who?

Oh I dropped a card sorry Chris Sarah Ken Blaine Hi Brian hey have we met before? No we've never met before Sorry my rhythm was off I said hi before I was introduced.

Can I ask you something, Brian? Yeah, sure. Is this your card? Oh, yeah, that's my card. Thank you very much. That's amazing. Blaine was not here last episode. He's not used to the spell cards yet,

but he has just been handed a wad. And also, Sam is here, guys. Hi, everyone. Sorry, I'm all over the place. No, that's all right. Who gave us those cards? I was taking a look. What are those cards all about, mister?

Are these cards from... Wizards of the Coast. Thanks, Wizards of the Coast. Thanks, Wizards. Thank you, Dungeons and Dragons, for your Dungeons and Dragons cards. Also Dragons, yeah. Yeah.

It's really them. I mean, it's not... The Wizards of the Coast, they're synonymous to me, but yeah, yeah, yeah. It's Dungeons and Dragons gave us the Dungeons and Dragons cards. Nice. They gave us a ton of stuff for this yeah. It's Dungeons & Dragons gave us the Dungeons & Dragons cards. Nice.

They gave us a ton of stuff for this campaign. It's cool. I'm excited about it. They also gave us some top secret stuff. They give you that fake voice. Top secret. Yeah. I love top secret.

They give me this weak parody of a game show voice. All right, you guys, you ready to hear who's- We're like Stink Martindale. Patreoning it up. Yes, please. I would like to thank some supporters by the names of Grieva. Thanks, Grieva. Thank you. Thanks, Dr. Woosh. He's my podiatrist.

Thanks, Petey. He's also my podiatrist. He's my other podiatrist. He's got a second opinion. Gamorian Orc. Interesting. And thanks, Crush Thuckus. That's a nice name. That's a real name. Crush Thuckus. What? Wow, that's a nice name.

That's a real name. Crush Thuckus. Crush Thuckus. No, Reds. Go ask Mommy. Anyway. Thrush Ruckus? What?

Crush Thuckus. Crush Thuckus. Crush Thuckus. Sounds like he plays drums for king diamond crush anything else you want to plug shall we jump into

let's jump in to the new episode of nerd our heroes just went across town. They were camping behind the Temple of Leru, where they left their friend Hoshinka to heal up.

Instead of going inside to fetch her, they killed an execution squad, broke into City Hall through the back door, and confronted a beholder by the name of Thogus. They beat the ever-loving the name of Thogus. They beat the ever loving shit out of Thogus with what has to be the most criticals in the history of a boss fight of Dungeons and Dragons. You guys noticed a few things while you were fighting them. There's like a little vestibule. You had to run through.

It looked like there was a cot. You guys were hanging out in there a little bit because you fled like a bunch of dying babies. Unnecessary. Thogus made you close to being murdered and you were like, oh, I'm so sad. I'm so wimpy and weak. This is less of a recap

and more of an attack what's going on uh hang on uh so okay uh now I'm gonna read

what really happened yeah so you went into a little vestibule you're running away but uh the final blow was dealt

by Dr. Uid as he raked his thorn whip across Thagas's face and the beholder crashed to the ground the shadowy tentacles Dr. Uid, as he raked his thorn whip across Thagas' face, and the beholder crashed to the ground, the shadowy tentacles it summoned from the walls retreating into the nothing sphere. You are now in a big, empty, theater-like sub-basement

with petrified statues stuck to the ceiling and a giant beholder bed in the far end of the room. Does that mean it's round? Yeah, so the beholder bed's not round, but it's like... Does it rotate? You haven't really... Is it a contact lens cleaner? You haven't really explored yet. You guys are all kind

of taking deep breaths. It's like a bird bath or a hard-boiled egg container. Would you take a long rest. You could. How's Blaine's hit points and stuff? I'm way down, right? I think we all are, right? I didn't actually take any damage.

I'm going to lay some hands on myself and make some good berries. Lay your hands on self. You're just going to camp out in Thogus' little bedroom here? Doesn't this seem like a good place to do it? Or no? Hello?

Anybody? I'm thinking. I'm thinking. Okay. It seems there are guards on the outside. Wouldn't they come and check at some point? That is not something that TikTok would say because TikTok is currently knocked out. Still? So you're getting plenty of rest uh there is there is something we should

cover last episode uh chris and i talked about this off the air actually so this may uh you may recall what we were about to do chris correction but um i asked him when he got hit with a sleep ray by the beholder if uh he knew if warforged could be put to sleep and we couldn't find evidence either way so he got knocked out later i discovered warforged are immune to being made asleep i was pretending the whole time uh but because because we didn't look it up it happened in canon there's no going back now uh so instead i'm going to tell t tell TikTok what happens while he is asleep, and it will be important and unique to this particular Warforged. So, TikTok, you see darkness for a while. I mentioned last episode that you felt the pain go through you.

Then there is a moment where you see what looks like a cloudy sphere, and you hear creaking mechanical noises. You are formless right now in just sort of a black expanse but you see what looks like a sphere of gray fog and there are chain and grinding noises like there's a machine inside it and as you approach the sphere closer you notice there are pathways inside it and you realize this is your own mind and you suddenly plunge inside it and you realize this is your own mind and you suddenly plunge into it and you realize something.

Dan is walking over to me. Why are you kissing me? Okay, he's whispering to me. This awkward whisper brought to you by Spaghetti Peas. Take your O's to the next level by Spaghetti Peas. Take your O's to the next level.

Spaghetti Peas. Franco American. American, American, American, American. Awkward Whisper is my favorite Wham song, too. Oh, man. I saw Andrew Ridgely the other day at the Rock and Roll Ralphs on Sunset. Is that a true story? Yeah.

And he said said number 38! And I got some tarragon tuna salad. I'm kidding. He's doing very well for himself. He doesn't have to work. And you guys see TikTok begin to power up the red light reappearing in his eyes. And now TikTok you notice that

Dr. Uwud is standing over the corpse of a giant flesh colored beholder with ice crystals stuck in it. The one they call Dr. Uwud. And the corpse of a giant flesh-colored beholder with ice crystals stuck in it. It's the one they call Dr. Uid. And yeah, you guys haven't really... This is still the first moments of silence. You guys are welcome to make a plan. I only suggested the rest because I have no spells.

A bunch of people are down hit points. But yes, I do think someone might come to check, but maybe they won't. And you can try and take turns, right? Can we close the doors? Are there doors in this? No. Lair?

Does anyone have an actor feat where they can mimic Thagas' voice? Because then we could just... No. Esmeralda did, but... And Thagas was the... Thagas was the beholder, yeah. But we will know for certain.

I mean, the floor that they would walk on to come down here is our ceiling. Yeah, so let's pretend this table is like the big theater. It's like this is one story. This is two stories and where the ceiling is and all the stone people stuck to the ceiling. Over here is the doorway you came in. And then there's like a vestibule about this big where it looks like somebody was camped out like a guard or a bodyguard. But they weren't there when you ran past. The other side of this vestibule is a spiral staircase

that you went down. Dargthur first. And going up there is a small side room near the big hall of City Hall. I will stay and watch. I mean, we can go to another room where we can try to exit out the back door where we came

through. There was like a trash monster and stuff. I'm okay to do whatever. I can't. I won't be able to help with. We need to heal that. Absolutely. And there is a big bed. It looks like, it's hard to tell, but it looks like there's a straw stuffed mattress on this thing that he would rest on.

Okay, so should we just take watch turns? Yes. With the people who need it the most going first so that would be like blaine i have two good berries that ought to take care of it right all right who's taking first watch uh just you tick tock everyone else i will okay dog throw and die so you guys only um these guys all start what just resting and makeshift beds are you gonna actually use the bed you'll use the bed i'm using the bed i mean you notice when you go up to it there's stuff stuffed under it this was like his oh yeah weird the room his weird nest can i look

at his body what's on there anything interesting um i will look under the bed uh sarah do an investigation check and tick tock do an investigation check, and TikTok, do an investigation check. I'm going to light up some detect magic. Okay. Are there any magics being detected? Oddly enough, there is no magic being detected in this room. 15. You are just going over his body? For right now, yeah.

I mean, you... Gently. You really don't understand the physiology of it. As you go under, you realize he's not wearing anything. He doesn't have any pockets. He's like a magical sphere-like creature. But yeah, oddly enough, it looks like he has different kinds of scales. He's completely limp at this point.

That's about all you can figure out gross so he's pretty gross i mean he's a he's a very large corpse that occupies a large part of a large room is there anything inside him are you asking me maybe he eats treasure do i know anything about can i do an arcana check to see if i would know anything from my travels or like about how to do an arcana check can i also do an arcana check i was very very good with weird stuff uh you can give her advantage if you're helping her and then i'll let her roll one more time i will help okay she only gets one one bump up to advantage if you guys all help you're just gonna what concentrate 11 like i mean yeah like all you know is different body parts of it might be magical in nature.

He didn't get a detect magic off of any objects in the room, but the corpse does have sort of a dim resonating magic off of it. It just doesn't seem like it has any loot on it. Tick tock. Why don't you roll an investigation on the bed? I rolled a six. It did not go well. I am distracted. Yeah.

Well, you still notice quite a bit. Oh, guys, I got it. It just feels like there might have been more and you're distracted. Yes. So before you go in, you realize under the bed there, there is a few pieces of jewelry. They don't seem magical per Dr. Uwud doing a ping for magic coming from the bed. But you find

three human finger sized rings and a locket. Strange way to describe that. Okay. And you find a few thousand worth of gold coins.

So like seven? 7,000? You find 3,550 gold coins. They're in platinum pieces too. It's not like the bed is overflowing with them. He's got like a little

easy to find. What was the thing you said before the three rings? Yeah, they're like brass. And before the rings... Human-sized, there's a locket. A locket. Mm-hmm. And there's nothing coming off the rings to detect magic-wise?

No. I will investigate the locket. You pop it open. There is a picture of a human woman inside of it. I probably don't know who that is. No. It looks like a very old, very childish painting that someone has fit inside this locket, but it's small.

Can we all look at the woman and see if we recognize her? Nobody recognizes her. And no magic coming off of magic no um but but also he he really screwed up looking at the bed i mean you just you just see tic tac like look under the bed and like walk away okay can i look too yeah all right then then i want to rest guys come on let's rest you're digging up the bed at 12 so uh you dig around and you actually do find uh there is what looks like a strange book wedged under the mattress strange book yes what is it uh the the first club international the first it's it's it's large um it looks like it is uh written in common but it

looks very old it looks like uh maybe a few decades old the first i want to say uh i'll tell you exactly how many the first a few chapters of it are really just like ledger stuff. It looks like someone's keeping track of supplies in a store. And then about two-thirds of the way through, it turns into a diary. And I am going to text you the end of the diary, which, as you flip through, you realize is a bit odd. Can we pause for a second? Yep. All right, so...

My brain, I get so distracted, I couldn't even listen to the show. Yeah, so we were trying to level up between episodes, but there was more to level for than we bargained for, so we wanted to take a quick moment to do something. Cool. Yeah, we're back. So yeah, Sarah, you find the last couple of pages of... This is very interesting, guys. we bargained for so we wanted to take a quick moment cool yeah we're backwards uh so yeah sarah you find the last couple of pages very interesting guys i'm gonna let tick tock read

it in his mellifluous oh is it juicy yeah it's very interesting don't make it all sexual the diary Entry 36. Ooh, nice. The deal is done. No longer must my entries be coded. I am free. Free of responsibility to any other than myself. No supplicant whining.

No bowing to the boring folks. Free. Free. Ooh, that's a scary one. So remember that the first part of the book was ledger so like at this point it turned he's saying he doesn't have to code whatever he's writing anymore so the first ledger part was coded and tick-tock can you determine what kind of ledger it was keeping track of you're gonna get there's more here oh there's more that was entry 36. There are 39. Entry 37. The crystals are doing their dark business

to protect my personality. Though my physical form hardly resembles that of Boris Thoggle any longer. Thoggle, right? Yes. My mind remains as sharp It did look like F. and true as elven steel.

I find that I miss the formality of arms and legs far less than I expected to. Gross. Their pretension even makes me laugh. The power that courses through me makes mundane human indulgences seem pathetic, even sickening. The tenebrous one's promise of wild magic

through the crystals is working praise his name i am not afraid his name i do not write here out of respect dark third do you recognize that name boris thogel t-h-o-g-u-l-l oh thogel no isn't it bogus i'm looking at the dm i just as though are those letters S's? Do an insight check. It doesn't look enough like Thogus. T-H-O-G-Y-L-L. Thogus. It is Thogus. I'm just trying to say did you ever know a guy named Boris Thogal? You're right. It's Thogal.

Dark through you don't remember it. This is like David Cronenberg's The Eye. I thought this was like, you know, those old-fashioned S's that look like F's. Yeah, it could be. However. Are you thinking of the Stussy things in people's notebooks?

It occurs to you that it is similar, sure. The others are ugly. I need new others. This pen is boring. And the last entry, Bozar. So he went nuts. Yes. I think that's the short one.

And the writing got really tiny, like Robert Crumb's brother, like Charles Crumb. So that maybe then explains the crystals sticking out of our troll brother before. Didn't you recognize him when he was much crazier and gianter? Yeah. Dark Thug? You recognized when you met Doug Thug he was a smaller green troll which was more typical

of trolls the last time you saw him. Yeah. Now he was dark blue and yeah, looked like he was dusted with ice. Mm-hmm. I remember that. Yeah, you do. With this new information, can you examine the beholder and see if, you know... Actually, can we do like an arcana check and see if there's parts of the beholder that are...

I mean, she kind of already did. I mean, like... I mean, physical parts. With this new information, I mean, you can tell the sort of crystal chunks sticking out of it look pretty much like scales like they appear to be growing out of him as opposed to being stabbed in him but they're translucent and have a sort of like milky dark blue quality inside and you said he was flesh colored i remember that when we first yeah the the rest of him is sort of flesh colored and then they like like the scales are very thick they of flesh colored and then the scales are very thick. They're flesh colored

and the ends of them have a gold shimmer on the outside. He was turned. Yeah, he was turned. Can you pull out those crystals? Do a strength check. I'll let you do it. Are you going to put gloves on or something? Put gloves on at least

so they don't touch your skin. I pull on opera gloves. I do have those. Go and some spectacles. I actually think I remember that. Can we assist her so she gets the advantage? Yeah, you're doing it with advantage, yeah. Well, I rolled a 19 that time and a 19 the second time.

Nice. I mean, you yank and you yank, and it doesn't just come out by yanking, but you feel like you've got one loose-ish. It just feels like it's connected with some nerve tissue. I'm just curious if we can examine it. Yeah. All right, before someone comes down here, if we're going to rest, let's rest.

Rest and heal, yeah. And then so TikTok and Darkther are on watch. Darkther, tell me about your story. I'm trying not to say tell me about your mother in a challenging way, but that is what I mean. Tell me this story. It seems to upset you so. Another time.

Well, everyone else is asleep. Aren't you a robot? Not me. Keep it down. It's just us and the doctor. I'm pretty sure Halcines is pretending to be asleep. It's everyone except for Cuckoo Bird. But look at him.

He's asleep. His feathers are shaking. Don't you want to wear him like a blanket and fall asleep? Where's that one foot go? Tick-tock stares at you, Darkthor. I'm going to walk away from him. As you walk away, it's only been

about 10-15 minutes since these guys started resting. You hear a clopping down the stairs. I wake them up. Coughing? Clopping. I think I said coughing. Foot falls. 15 minutes, do I get one spell back? I go closer to the stairs.

What do I observe? I kick them awake and knock an arrow. I barely slept. You see... Licky's here. You see what appears to be a duergar, a dwarf from the Underdark. Duergar, shit.

Go ahead. He. Um, he, Hmm. Oh no, go ahead. Uh, he's carrying a shield and, um, he kind of looks up for a second. And I realizes there are people like near the doorway. And he says,

uh, pardon me, Lord. Uh, there's, there's been developments. And you like kind of averts his eyes in shame. Yes. Tell me your development performance no deception deception

deception with disadvantage oh you're a dick over there that's a four he looks up from having his head down and goes what the fuck?

Arrow. What the fuck? Arrow. You're free. Arrow. Okay, so you're free. He turns to run. You can fire an arrow.

I'm right by him. He's right there. Okay. I want to stop him. Okay, so you're trying to hit him with your sword? Yeah, I'm going to slash at him with both hands. Roll. Long sword and dagger. He's trying to flee, so you're trying to hit him with your sword? Yeah, I'm going to slash at him with both hands. Roll. Long sword and dagger.

He's trying to flee, so you get advantage on this. 19 plus... That's a hit. Yeah, plus six on the dagger. Mm-hmm. So then I draw Aurora with four. Let's see. Brian Rowling brought to you by spaghetti teas.

I pity the fool who don't enjoy this treat from Franco-American Eric. I wish I knew. Oh, I saw Jerry Duggan yesterday. We went to a skate park in Montrose. It was wonderful. Oh, skater die. Says his love. Yeah, it or die. Says his love.

Yeah, it was good. Don't forget Jerry. Was your guy trying to skate? Yeah, Jerry gave Ollie Declan's old razor scooter. So he was trying to, he rode for a while and fell over. Oh, cool. Darkthrow, you slash your sword across this duergar's back, and he stumbles and falls onto the stairs.

Tick-tock, are you going to lay in? I remember I have another strike. Oh, you're going to do it? Go. Roll. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right. That's a 19 on that one, too.

It's a hit. Okay, cool. So, 1d8. He can roll again, too. He is on the ground. You want to try and crit that, Brian? Do you want to crit? Sure.

I mean, who doesn't? No. All right, roll your damage. You can't fire me. I crit. Has anybody done that yet? We can kind of clip that out and put it in there anywhere, Sam. All of our listeners should quit their jobs using that funny way.

If I be, I crit. Yeah, well, you have botched this entire career. Six. All right. Yeah. So then you stab into his shoulder blade while he's down and he's calling for help. Oh, I try to put an arrow in his mouth instead. Okay.

Do I get the advantage? No, you actually would roll for disadvantage because now he is fallen into a stairwell and dark through is standing over and dark shit. All right, I just charge. Okay, don't you have like a telescopic fist or something? Go go gadget. Yeah,

I just charge. He puts his hands up. He's he's pleading for mercy.. Yeah, I just charge. He puts his hands up. He's pleading for mercy. All right, I'll just pull out the old Axaroo. Dark, they're standing on top of him? Yeah. Who are you calling for, friend? Help. I was calling for help.

From who? Fuggle Snucked. Come on. Who's that? You gottalesnucked. Come on. Who's that? Come on. You gotta try harder than that. Dinglewish? Hoopser Stinks?

No, Fugglesnucked. The growl. Oh, the growl. Oh, no. Is he she? I don't want to, you know, mislabel. Is that being an upstairs? I don't know.

Gender's a construct, man. I don't know why we're talking about this right now. Well, I'm just trying to be respectful. Maybe Grell doesn't want to be. I don't think they have genders. What's their relation to Thagas? Who is this person? Where is employees? What do you want, man? Guess what?

What? You've all been sacked. You're free to go. But you just stabbed me man aren't you gonna kill me i was running away and you you're gonna kill me now right well we'll see we're making some changes in the organization it sounds thirsty when did you start working for him oh five years ago five and how does that track with the timeline that we heard from about when he came to town he came here shortly after the comet hit so he's probably been here a while but not the whole time

How did you meet him? I just got word that he needed some hired men He like came into town and then you just got word and you met him and you were like oh cool a beholder, I'll work for this guy Yeah, I'm from the Rusted Mountains, I don't even know this area Well, I do now because I live here Where does Thuggis get his money?

He collects it from everyone. From Doug Thugg, remember? So, did you notice anything unusual about him? Like, what would you say were his best and worst qualities as a boss? Well, I mean, I didn't know the annual reviews were coming up, so

forgive me while I need to think for a sec. Could someone give me some water? What's your 10-year plan? No, but really, was there anything unusual about him? I mean, I've never seen something like him before. Is he dead? He's dead. He's inside out.

Oh, fuck. Yeah. Fuck. You gotta let me go, man. I'll leave. Just let me go back to my house and get my shit. What about your friend upstairs, Winky Tanks? Yeah, what about Fucklesnatch?

What about him? Vandersnatch. What about him? Vandersnatch. Is there a way to shut him down or call him off? Shut him down? I don't know man shut him down i mean last i saw him he was out on the front lawn i was hoping he could hear me calling i thought we were talking about the trash monster i know the grill the the trash monster is the odiug okay okay i'm sorry that I forgot which was a grill and which was an odiog.

I'm not mad at you. What is a grill again? That's the floating brain with the beak and the tentacles. The night guard. Right? Yeah. Oh, that's fucker snitch. Yeah.

What do you guys call the odiog? Beefy Dave. Did you just... Did you just rename Beefy Dave? Beefy Dave. Beefy Dave. Oh, boy.

His name is just Beefy. The problem with Beefy Dave is he'll never go home. He just stays forever. When I was a kid, my mom would always get Beefy Dave soup for us. It had the big thumbprint

on the top of the can. They grew them in that back room. Good luck getting them out of there. Hey, listen, you're going to hang out with our friends while we rotate sleeping. They were letting me go. We will when we're done. We've got to

rest up a little bit here. It's hard work killing a beholder. We have freed your town, friend. Again, I was a mercenary brought here to lord over this town. Things change, don't they? I don't feel like you're going to let me keep my sweet apartment above the cheese shop.

It sucks. Why don't you guys just hang on to him here. We'll tie him up. Then he can call out if we need. Then we can go back to sleep because I am beat. I'm beat too. Someone just stabbed me real hard. Can someone just let me go back to sleep because I am beat. I'm beat too. Someone just stabbed me real hard. Could someone just let me go back to my apartment? Yeah, I kick him in the nuts.

You're an intimidation check. Helsene, you are so great. I love Helsene a lot. Whoa! 20. After you kick him in the nuts, he bites his lip, and you just see tears flow out of his eyes as he silently recoils on the ground. He bites his lip and you just see tears flow out of his eyes as he silently recoils on the ground. He does not complain.

Anyway, I curl up in that big bed. All right, back to bed. We go. So first watch you guys do a perception check. Both of you dark

third. Do you want to talk about something else? 21. 21. You hear calls in the distance, but no footsteps near the stairs. Doesn't sound like anything is moving. Somebody's fucking car alarm will not stop going on. Four hours go by. Dark third, are you going to take a rest? Yeah, sure. Sweet. Okay. Are you going to stay up with anyone else? are you going to take a rest

yeah sure sweet okay are you going to stay up with anyone else or are you going to stay up solo yes Darkthor who should I awaken for a second watch who is the least hurt Halcine right yeah probably right I will wake up Halcine did you get hurt at all I did but I'm okay

I'll wake up Cuckoo Bird I didn't get hurt at all, but I don't have any spells. Cuckaloo. I will let Halcine get her spells back and wake up Cuckoo Bird. Both you guys roll your perception. Cuckoo Bird. You're going to wake up everybody else on the farm. Cweep.

Damn. What do I perceive? Cweep. Yes? You realize near the end of the second watch that one of the statues has been shaken loose on the ceiling. It looks like it's about to fall. Also, you notice it looks like Thagas is decomposing quickly.

Weird. Yes. Is anybody under the statue to be hurt by it? Yes, it is near the bed. It looks like there's a 50-50 chance it'll hit the bed. I'm going to wake her and pull her out of the bed all right is this like a sleep in an uncle giggles haunted mansion kind of a thing where we have to isn't that a danger room that you did in the first campaign ever yeah i just

ripped off the flintstones all right so you wait you guys move and uh it doesn't doesn't fall right away but you feel like yeah like maybe kind of gently pick her up and like maybe put her next to these two. Yeah, sure. They're just right there. They're going to go everywhere together. So at least she can just sleep. Okay, get in your own bed. Come on.

Get in your own bed there. There you go. Queep, tell me about where you are from. You are no longer with your people. Your people have been kicked out. What's the haps? I would rather not talk about it. Oh, boy.

Nobody wants to. Wow, no one's up for improvising. Wake me up. I'll burn out your gum. Do you want me to tell you what I know? I know my back history. I just didn't want to share it with you. I mean, you're from the Rusted Mountains, right? And your people encountered some things.

We've talked about this, right? The Rusted Mountains where the duergar is from. Our dwarfen friend. Yes. I look at the duergar. Do you know these bird people? Have you seen other ones of them? Yeah, they're Aarakocra.

Okay. You've seen them? Yeah. And then Queep says, I had some bad experience family-wise. Oh no! Did you leave? Or did they kick you out of the nest?

I blamed them for what happened and left. What happened? I shunned my own people. What do you mean? But you blamed them for what? Well, I lost my father when I was very young, and the Ravagers came and stole my mother.

Oh! So they didn't do a very good job protecting the village, so I left. But you blamed your parents. I blamed the people of the village for not protecting my family. Oh, we should go back and teach them a lesson. Yeah. Hey, first do no harm there, robot.

The second watch ends without the statue falling down. For another four hours have passed. You gonna wake anyone else up and let Queep go back to their... Or are you gonna take this one solo? Oh, I should wake up a third person. We need a health scene, so I'll wake up the doctor.

Isn't eight hours enough? It is, but I don't know if you need what do you call it? Long rest. How long is the long rest? I guess it's eight hours. Yeah, you're right. It's eight hours. So that's it? And everything's back?

Yes. At this point, as you guys start dusting yourself off, though, you realize it is probably night up above. You've spent the better part of the full day, and your sleep time has been off.

It might be easier for us to move under the cover of night. Yeah. Because we have Gigog's best friend down here. I think we need to... That makes sense. We're going to need to, in order to free the town, we have to kill or release all the mercenaries and then let the townspeople know. We can go back to the swollen port

and give them the good news and find out who wants to take over. Perhaps our dwarfy friend. What do you want? We're going to leave now. You're going to help us like leave town we're going to leave this building oh and you're coming with us you are now a shield balls cool if you continue to disobey we'll put a handle on you he remembers being kicked in the

nuts and gets real quiet i can't imagine that would ever you just see like his forehead crease right and like he's bald and you just see like a vein course through his head as he like sort of bows in shame she's the boss uh so you're gonna head up the stairs? Are you done here? Should we ask him, like, what's upstairs? I mean, there's... Anyone waiting? There's City Hall and... You know there's Beefy in the back room.

Big champagne on ice. Please don't freak. The door is locked, just you and me. Beefy in the back room. There. Beefy in the back room. There's Beefy in the back room, and then he tells you, if you go out the front, there's sort of a big courtyard in front of City Hall

where there's usually a 24-hour patrol. Is anyone going to give us trouble? Or upon hearing the death of Thogus, will they all stand down like you? Depends. There's a vacuum of power. I mean... There's no one paying them. Is one of you in charge now?

Yes. Which one of you is the mayor? I'm gonna get my hatchet out. We're gonna go select the mayor. You're gonna select the mayor? She's gonna put her foot through your nuts again, friend. What's wrong with you? Stand down. He wouldn't talk to me that way. Yeah, he gets just like,

whatever you want. Just tell me what to do. Just tell me what to do. We're going to go tell the townspeople is what I was saying to my friends, not to this loser. All right. I do think we should go make a big announcement in the courtyard, and then whoever goes away away goes away, and if they don't, then we kill them.

Then we can... What's left of Fogus? So he looks like his flesh is just hanging really loose off of whatever skull is inside of this thing. Is it still a beholder-sized skull? Yep, and it's not, like, rotted away, but it looks like it's collapsed in some magical way. I'll bring that upstairs.

He looks like he weighs well over 500 pounds. Can you like root through the goo and see if there's anything inside him? I mean, you could hack some of his flesh off. You could hack off his eye stocks. Yeah, I do that. Oh, yeah. How many of them? All of them?

Yeah. All right. How many are there? Huh? How many are there? Eight, right? Yeah. How many of them? All of them? Yeah. All right. How many are there? Huh? How many are there? Eight, right? Yeah. Hack, hack, hack.

Takes you a minute. Hack, hack, hack. You managed to hack off all the eye stocks. They're big, though. I mean, each eye stock is longer than any of your arms, and so you'd all have to carry one under each of your arms. All right. So you're all just going to, like pool noodles,

you're just going to carry these big... Well, I also wanted to root through his guts to see if there was anything in there. How are you rooting through his guts? Because that's... Dungeons and dragons! Dungeons and dragons! Tell me, Steve Agee, how are you rooting around in the monster's dead guts? Although this sounds more like something I...

Why, that's me and Steve today. It actually sounds like something that my character would have done. No, he just would trace their dicks. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's no, right? No, this is something my creepy character would have done. No, but does he have a dick? He's got eight eye stalks.

Yeah, okay, so they're all chopped off. You've got them in a pile. I'll make a bou okay out of them they seem like they seem like they're almost made of of of like a foamy uh kind of uh octopus like quality like they're yeah very thick and muscular but there's not a lot of blood that happens after you cut them off oddly enough and uh they leave sort of these deep purple rivulets in the base of its skull. There's not really a easy place to find guts underneath its jawbone. There's like a pocket of stuff,

but this is fine. No, I mean, he's very spherical, so he doesn't have like a gut. Okay. All right. So we're just going to go upstairs. We're going to use these eye stocks,

like pretend periscopes and then be like surprise. And then like we killed, no, I'm kidding, but we are going to go announce to everybody that we killed this guy. Right. And then we're going to, they're free of his, we're going to free.

So all of you are going to carry at least one eyestalk each. A couple of you are going to carry two. And, uh, yes, you're just all an eyestalks up the stairs. I'm going to give my eyestalks to these guys. And I would like to have my hand on my bow and an arrow.

Okay, and one of you... You could have your hand on this guy, right? Yeah, one of you is presumably going to have him... I'll have my hand on the back of the duergar. Okay. Should we put them on our lapels like we're all in the wedding party? Oh, fun.

So you walk through the little vestibule. Pin them on there. It's like a spring wedding. With, fun. So you walk through the little vestibule. Pin him on there. It's like a spring wedding. With a cot. High stock. You walk past the cot. You start heading up. Yes.

Spiral staircase. What is your name, friend? Just something I can call you for the next couple of minutes. Kovner. Kovner? Kovner. Kovner. All right.

Let's go, Kovner. Kovner? Kovner. Kovner. All right, let's go, Kovner. He says as you walk him to the main chamber of City Hall, you kind of leave the little side room where you had traced the magic down into the sub-basement. When you get into the main room, you realize, okay, we could go back through the back way where Beefy Dave is hiding under trash. Front door. Or you can go through the back way where beefy dave is hiding under trash or you can go through the front door and yeah as you had approached the front door he's

like just warning you i'm not much of a bargaining chip these guys probably don't give a shit if i die so no you're a shield remember kovner he grits his teeth and nods you open the uh front door and stick eye stalks out like periscopes. No, I was just kidding. I don't know what we do, though. You walk right up to the front door and he's like. Halcine, would you like to make the announcement? You can tell he's nervous, like you're going to make him go out first or kill him.

Should we just open the door and like, what time is it? You think it's either midnight or one in the morning, but pretty late. Okay, so should we do it now? We're a little late for this announcement, but yeah. Let's stealthily go outside, though. Oh, I thought we were going to go announce to the entire town that... Well, we were, but you don't want to just kick the door open, right? Like, who knows what's on the other side.

It felt very dramatic, but yeah. There's that guy with the brain we know is out there. Oh, okay. What's his name again? Fugglesnut. Well, let's kill him and then make the announcement, right? Or if we can get Fugglesnut on our side, I think that might go away. Yeah, I think we're going to have to kill them.

Okay, so we want to stealthily... Do you want to use your stealth to sneak out there? Yeah. And then let us report back to us about what's out there? Mm-hmm. Ooh. All right, so report back to us about what's out there. All right. So you're going to try to stealth crack the door open. Yeah. All right.

Let's see a stealth check. Eyes forward. 21. You very silently open the door and peek out. There's nobody right by the door, but you can see in a ring around the courtyard what looks like five figures in sort of like a concentric circle around

the courtyard. None of them look like the Grell. But are they guards? They're all wearing armor. A couple of them have shields. They all look pretty well armed and they've all got torches and they're just kind of looking around.

Do they have range weapons or do they just have swords? Do a perception check. That's a good one too. Let's see. 19. You see mostly sword shields and a couple of axes. Okay. You don't see any crossbows.

I report everything. Five guys. Nobody's got any crossbows. Should we have this guy call them in? Or range weapons. Or. Oh, yeah. Yes.

What am I supposed to say? Whatever you want. Hang on. If he's calling them in, do we want to back up from the door? Right, that's what I'm wondering. How do we want to deal with this, guys? Is this a conversation?

Or is this a finale? You're trying to bring them in to take them out. Yeah, I figured, but I mean, what is our plan? I'm not making up the plan by myself. I could, but I'm not. What does he think? Are they going to disperse? He said some might and some might not I don't know

None of us are real good friends We drink, we play cards, sometimes we stab each other Do you know these guys by name? Yeah What do you think? Yeah I guess he can Does anyone have like hold person or anything that we could? Doctor?

No. I have a whip and a bad attitude, if that helps. I'm kidding. I have a great attitude. You guys are really great. Doctor, what is your opinion? Shall we negotiate with the brigands or shall we execute them? I'm really not a violent person, but yes, kill these people.

So I feel like if we're going to kill them, then we do need to give them the opportunity. So I feel like then we go, we make the announcement. Fine. And then they'll either attack us or they won't. Fine. Are we ready to start shit? Why don't we just, do we have to kill someone before we kill the bad guys? Why are we, why are we?

Can't we call one of them in? You want to do it one at a time, maybe? Yeah, let's call them one at a time. And then we'll. Have them sign in on the sign-in sheet. Yeah, he said he knows their names. Okay, Guy, Kelvon. Yeah.

Kovner. Kovon. Kovner. Kovner, call in your closest ally. Yeah, pick one of them and be like... All right. I'm going to call an Orkin here. He's number one. He gets the job done. He's Orkin.

His name is Kekkel. I'm going to go call Kekkel, all right? If I'm real cool, you're not going to execute me, right? Right. He goes to the door. But we will, though, right, Halsey? He opens the door and he goes,

Hey, Kekkel, Thagas needs you. Come in here. And he closes the door, walks back over. You're what, like five feet from the door? Yeah. Hidden back so the guys have to come all the way in. Okay, so yeah, he comes in. Kovner is like, am I supposed to hide with you?

What are we doing? We're going to have a fight. You got like five seconds. What do you want me to do? We back up. We stand behind this guy. You're all just going to stand behind him? All right.

You said you wanted to give him a chance. He's a dwarf, so you're all pretty tall. No, we're not hiding. Yeah, yeah. I had said we hide back, let him make sure he gets all the way in. All right. So I think Dan was reading it

like we were trying to hide behind. Right, well, I didn't know if you were going to hide behind rub. Hide behind, there's rubble too. I mean, there's those broken desks everywhere. We're hiding behind to make sure he gets all's not overthink this okay but you're but you're you're trying to be hidden behind him behind not him but like behind uh rubble you're hiding behind rubble behind yeah like here's okay yeah this is why you have figurines dropping back we're like this

the guys coming in the door or whatever okay Okay. So let me get his thing out. Are we missing somebody? Yeah, me. I'm in. Where's your little figure? I'm in the office somewhere. Where's Terry? So Don't forget Terry. Yeah, you want to come join us? Yeah, Terry. Is Terry allowed

in now? Nope. Oh, wow. The lost chapter. I can't wait to hear about the adventures of Terry at the bar. Are you getting phone numbers right now, Terry, do you think? So put Kovner where you want him. He'll go wherever you want. So, yeah, there he is right by the door.

And you see this guy, Kekkel, come in, this big orc. You forgot the D. And Kekkel's like, yeah, what is it? And Kovner goes, ugh. You should be going like this, right? I mean, that's the idea. I think it was going like this, right?

I mean, that's the idea. I think it was more like come with. Okay, sure, sure, sure. Yeah,

yeah, you told you what you would tell him to like take it, take him to the middle of the room. Yeah, okay,

so he would have been told that I'll let you write on that enough because that's what yeah, but he goes back a little bit and he's still kind of like and cackle just like

what you want and he's still kind of like and uh cackle just like what do you want and he's supposed to look for people and they're and cobner's just like come on we're gonna go feed beefy i guess let's go to the back and they just keep going okay so now we're gonna step out right yes yeah yeah go ahead are we just to tell him Thargus is dead? Yes. So what happens? From the shadows, we step out. Okay.

Easy, friend. Easy. What the fuck? Call. Call. Thargus is dead. This can go two ways. He starts taking his hammer and just.

No, calm down. This can go two ways. Two ways? Yeah. One way where you're super dead okay is that two no and one way where you go home and you take your family and uh you go live a new life somewhere make babies i have family or not. Yes, we're from the future. Your roommate. Whatever you want. Your roommate, Craig. Cockle never know mom.

Jesus. Cockle. I have a similar story. You want to fight? No. I hit you with this. I pull out five of them. No, there are a lot of you I don't want to fight because I'll die. I pull out five gold from Thogus' thing. From the thing down here, I pull out five of them. No, there are a lot of you. I don't want to fight because I'll die. I pull out five gold from Thogas' thing,

from the thing down here. I pull out five. Ask for change. I give him five. We need one of them on our side. We have thousands. All right. We give five.

Five? You only need three. He takes five. He's like, okay. He's got to put down his weapon. Just like a lot of beer. Put down your... Drop... What's his weapon of choice? I said war. It's like a hammer's gotta put down his weapon just like a lot of beer put down your put drop what's his

weapon of choice it's like a hammer just drop the hammer you can leave with it we just need you need we need to know that you're not about

to attack us can I have wait I can leave with it I don't think he can leave with it oh he can't leave with it because he's leaving town

give me more gold if I have to leave town I need I need nest egg give me more money. If I have to leave town, I need I need nest egg. You don't have a family. No, I come here for money. Your mom and dad didn't love you enough to give you your own money.

Do an intimidation check, TikTok. We have 8,000 gold now. Getting one of them on our side. Yeah, so give him 10 gold. That's a 12. I need more money if I have to run away with no weapons. Getting one of them on our side. Yeah, so give him 10 gold. That's a 12. All right. I need more money if I have to run away with no weapon.

Look at Halseed. How much more? Try to give him 10 gold total. All right, here's five more. That's a total of 10. You're a rich orc. That's the most I've ever had. Congratulations.

This is good. You leave town, you don't come back. Kekkel, as you leave, tell the others it's time to go. Okay. And he runs. He runs out the front door and he shoves it open. He says, go inside, free money. It's crazy in there.

And he just runs out of view. He leaves the door wide open. I'm just checking with these guys. Or maybe they want to slaughter him. I go against the inside of the wall. Yeah, let them call. Rearrange. Give me Kekkel back.

Well, they don't have me, so. It's crazy in there. I'm here. You guys are so weird. We've got the wand of Orcus. We've got boots of spider levitation. Anything you need. Bodhi and Martha Mon and all that.

They would just kill these guys. Well, the danger said, you guys are so weird. We are? That's what he said. I just want to watch these guys sort of like just, they take their shirts off and do the Uncle Scrooge dive into all the coins that are there. Swim around.

Ooh, a Bullywug. Those are my favorite monsters. Two more Bugbears. Uh-oh. Two Tieflings. Tieflings? And a weird demon-looking dude. Uh-oh. I'll come in. It looks like there was

a few people you couldn't see right away. Apparently. So a big crowd of guys just runs in the front door. And the little frog man goes, What's going on? Greetings and salutations, friends. Thogus is dead. What?

Yes. But we know that he paid you. So we think it only fair as we now take Thogus and pay you. So I give each of them five gold. Do a persuasion check with disadvantage. Why? I think that was super clear. Oh, shit.

Damn. That's a two. So they're holding their weapons tight as you approach. And as you offer the money, they take it, but they don't stand down. And as you step backwards, the little guy goes... You guys should stand down. I come behind them.

I go, you really should listen to my friends and stand down. First. Persuasion. Well, you'll do it in a second, but something else is happening. there is just a second as you step away take over there like the little frog it was give me all the money you have it all and then you say stand down from behind him yeah with your weapon out do an intimidation check

what do i need nine tickets oh yeah you needed to probably like a twenty all right uh but it's too late now uh the the weird demon looking dude turns around and he says oh I think you want to stand down and you just see this green light very dimly flickering in the

back of his eyes what is he looks like a demon do I recognize him do an arcana check five more gold to turn off Matthew Modine is I will support that it looks like something from another plane. It looks like he was summoned here. I go,

look over there. And I run at him and slash at him. Dark there. Do a deception check. 23. He goes, huh?

Everybody roll for initiative. Dark three, you can roll your initiative with advantage. So does that mean I do? Oh, shit. 27. I got a critical on my you're not gonna do better than that uh how seen what you got 11 queep what you got how do you get a plus seven on my

initiative anyway that's so crazy dr reed what you got? That's fine. I have a four. That's a four plus three. Oh, shit. Really? That's because I rolled a one on my initiative, Dan. Thanks for asking me to roll that. Tick-tock, what'd you get? 23. That's 23 times what I rolled.

Why did I rub it in? You and your gloating. Sorry. All right. Just break brought to you by spaghetti DTFs. SpaghettiOs down to fuck. It's Franco American Eric and Eric. Thanks, babe. My pleasure, Brian. Hey, give it up for Brian Posse, everybody.

Host of Nerd Poker. Last 17 years. This is season 17 years strong is that true yeah it is you're up Brian alright hack and also slash

okay well Pierce and slash reminds me of that time I went to see Guns N' Roses and Dane Cook we'll be right back

hack and slash. 19 on the dagger there. That's a hit. All right. Making rolling noises. This is a great ASMR thing for D&D people that really, hey, hi. They're really into sounds. Hey. You guys done with the thing yet?

What thing? Oh, this. No, we're in the middle of them, buddy. This is the first episode still. We got a couple more minutes. Yeah, we're still finishing up this one. I'll come get you, pal. Could you call me in I wanted to do another intro. We've got a couple more minutes. Yeah, we're still finishing up this one. I'll come get you, pal. Could you call me in so we can do another intro?

Yeah, buddy, of course. The stage manager will knock on your door. Yeah, we'll come get you. Go wait in the dressing room. All right, you roll your second attack. In the green room. Yeah, you can just hang out by craft service if you want. It's not a green room.

It's just a kitchen. I know, buddy. I love you. Yeah, you agent. You told me. Eight on that one, and then I get to roll again. Sorry. That one's not as good.

That one, we got just a six, so nope. All right. Yeah, it's a miss. All right. Up next, we got Tick Tock. I will shoot an arrow at the frog. Go for it.

That is a 19. That's a hit. Cool. And then if I do one of these... Shoot, that sucked. Five piercing. Alright, so it goes and just kind of like scratches

his arm, flies through the door and he goes, oh! Does it hit one of the dudes behind him? No. That'd be cool. And then I'm just going to kind of shift over here, maybe a little bit behind our friend Kovner. Alright. Alright.

Are you going to do another attack or are you done? I only get one. Great. So then that'll bring us to the demon that you hacked. So he's going to turn back to Darkthor. He brings

his weird axing down for 20. Is that a hit, Darkthor? I think it is. You get hit for 11 points of slashing damage. And he brings up the other end of it. And he botches, trying to hit you a second time.

That's good. He rolled a 97. Ha ha. Oh! Die. He's still kind of thrown off by the fact that you distracted him

and said something was quote over there. And he takes a whole shitload of damage as he accidentally slashes his own arm open. Yeah! Just to feel something. Yeah. Good. Just to feel something. Anything.

All right. The two tieflings are also going to turn around. It's like a whole little army against Darkthor. How did Darkthor get all the way over there? He hid behind the door. Twelve. That's a miss. How did Darkthor get all the way over there? He hid behind the door. 12. That's a miss. And a botch again.

Oh, boy. These guys are... They are afraid of the Admiral. 79. Ooh. That's not good. Wow. He takes a lot of damage.

All right. So one of these guys swings and misses trying to hit you. The other one comes in and he's got you flanked and he tries to hit you, but it doesn't work. And he just sort of like cuts into his own leg because it's too close quarters. You've got an open door behind you uh but you are you've got three guys dog piling on you i'm not worried about it

well that's good because we're gonna pause and pick it up next episode oh shit uh hey uh what do you think happened this episode i'd be happy to tell you guys. Here's what happened on this week's nerd poker. I don't know what a vestibule is. Tick tock is sleeping and I can picture it. Dan kissed Chris's ear and now tick tock is up and keeping watching a corpse. We found loot, but we didn't find all the loot because tick tock looked at the bed wrong

and now there's a book. This game is like a frustratingly slow escape room. The book is full of stories and TikTok is trying to flirt with Brian while everyone's sleeping. I don't know what's happening. I stoned out for a minute here, I think, so I'm sure someone rolled for something. I think the sleeping guy is awake because Brian's slashing at him.

Whoever he is, he fell in a stairwell and he's fired up about gender studies and he's asking for Fraggle Rock. We're interviewing him. Chris said, what's your 10-year plan? And Blaine didn't say 10-year, and it felt off to me. He's being willfully obtuse, so Halseen kicked him in the nuts, and he didn't yell out, so he's a submissive cuck, and I like that. The bird story is very sad.

Everyone's up, and it's nighttime time And we're forming a plan to leave And we're bringing the submissive cuck dude with us We chopped up some eye stalks And we're on our way There's five bros out here and we're gonna kill them We bring in Kekkel first and we surround him And give him vague threats And then we pay him to leave

So now we're paying everyone We're not killing anyone We're just role-playing being a manager and oh dark they're slashing finally we're finally fighting tix ox shooting arrows and both bad guys hurt themselves nice uh brian persain.com uh patreon yeah please check out we got new tiers and they're very there's a bunch of stuff that you can do

on we have 96 of them we've been putting some behind the scenes photos up in there there's photos did you know there's photos of you guys from a

bazillion years ago playing Dungeons and Dragons yeah I did see those those are cool yeah over at Sark's old apartment oh right the cupcake days

yeah cupcakes and whiskey and Panda Express. And a lot of KFC because it was right next door. That was before we moved to the building where Arby's was across the street. Because people are always like, where's the Arby's? Well, we didn't have one near us in the valley at that point. Back in the days where we used to play, there was no Arby's.

There was Arby's as far as I could see. Thanks for listening. Thanks for listening to another episode of Nerd Poker. You can follow us at patreon.com slash nerdpoker and you get bonus episodes from there and you can also

send us anything at P.O. Box 160669 Encino, California 91416. Thanks for listening.