Nerd Poker - Episode 12 - The Cult of Zinzerena

Episode Date: May 2, 2018

The College of Gostel nearly fell, but our heroes have managed to keep it in the balance! The plot of the strange Drow séances has begun to unravel just enough that, at the very least, this mage college's troubles seem to be traceable to one student. Now they must try to find a quiet corner of the rattled campus rest in, and before the night is through they may have to deal with some new unsavory characters of uncouth upbringings. Luckily, no-one is as uncouth as our heroes.

Hey everybody, I'm Brian Poussaint Comedian, writer, actor, nerd. I've been playing D&D with my friends for a long time. I decided to do a new podcast where we play Dungeons & Dragons in my very own dining room. With my wife, kid, and my noisy dogs. So meet my friends Sarah, Ken, Sam, Lee. Now it's time for another episode of Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker Season 2. Hey, everybody. Rhodes is at a party.

Fucking partying. So this is Brian Poussaint. Shirt's off. Oh, man, it's going to get nuts. They'll be home soon. You'll hear the door open and dogs scamper around. I'm Brian Pessain, like I said, and this is Brian Pessain's Nerd Poker. Yeah.

Really? Yeah. You know what, Brian? We're live in Chicago tonight. That was brave. We're going up right before Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. I don't like that. And my friends are here.

Why don't you flash the applause? It was kind of unnecessary, and I felt prompted. Sarah. Hi. Dan. Hi. Blaine. Everybody's sitting where they're supposed to be sitting.

I like it. Oh, yeah, we did mix it up a little. As it should be. We just recorded those bonus. Ken was on the other side it was weird I was off I was delivering all my

out of date punchlines to the wrong seat Mavis is here hi Mavis oh she liked that she lit up She was like I'm a real special lady There was a giant moth also earlier Oh my god that thing was enormous

Ken ate it Like we asked him to We're uh What's going on with our Our Patreons? Well you know they make everything possible, Brian. I know they do. Right? They sure do.

And here's how they identify themselves with names like Drat. With two Ts. Thank you, Drat. It's like Rat, but like Don Rat. I get it. Thank you, Carrie Marsh. Thanks, Carrie.

Thank you, Bodhi Built My Hot Rod. I like it. Thank you, Carrie Marsh. Thanks, Carrie. Thank you, Bodhi Built My Hot Rod. I like it. Thanks, Bodhi Built My Hot Rod. Thank you, Marcus Nolan. Thanks, Marcus. Fake name. Thank you, Eric Jessen. Thanks, Eric.

Twice as fake. Thank you, Alexandra Rupert. Thanks, Alexandra. Thanks, Alexandra. It. Thanks, Alexandra. I don't get these names. You want some goof ones? We'll go back to some goofy names real quick before we end this segment. Let's give a shout out to Postal Blowfish.

Thank you, Postal Blowfish. Of the Hampton Blowfishes. Thank you, Fart Angelo Dinkle Spitz. Of the Hampton Blowfishes. Thank you, Fart Angelo Dinkle Spitz. Fart Angelo Dinkle Spitz. His name is her name, too. And thank you, NotACreepyWeirdo.

Thanks, NotACreepyWeirdo. So when last we left our adventure... One more time for Rob Schneider. Oh, no, no, not him. You can interrupt me, William, but not for Rob Schneider. Let's hear it for Adam bought me this house. Arkin? So yes, when...

Thank God you're back. You guys were in a mage tower and you just killed a bunch of people in it. Yeah, we did. It's normal archmage had been supplanted by some spies. There are a couple of drow and a couple of lunar elves. And you're now kind of commiserating. I'm going to pull up the exact floor

because this is a kind of tall, complicated mage tower in Gostel that you guys are hanging out in. But you guys. Here's. Lane, what is this Dan humming brought to you by? Well, you know, while Dan's humming, it's time for a quick Nerd Poker News update. Is that it? Nerd Poker News Update.

Left Shark from Katy Perry's performance was killed for soup and to give a Chinese guy erection. I can't find my notes, so I'm going to just skip it, but you guys, I'll pull it up. Back to you, Dan.

I'll pull it up if we have to, you fucking weirdo. Yeah, I'm just going to ignore. I'm in straight up denial, so I don't have to grapple with what just. Yeah, I'm just going to ignore. I'm in straight up denial so I don't have to grapple with what just happened. You're in the main genre. You're not wearing headphones in a cubicle while you're working like somebody right now.

Yeah, I just listened to episode 11. They don't have new drums anymore. Beginning of episode 11 it was just everybody shouting at the same time for like eight minutes. Sorry, you guys. Hey, shit. I'm sorry. Sorry, you guys.

Hey, it's all part of the fun. It's a fun aneurysm. Jingle. A fun aneurysm. At least we have our own mics. There's not eight people shouting into one microphone like the old days. So you guys are with three Last year

Shut the No I'm just kidding Get out of my house Okay Game over man Hey look he left a damn Telford shaped hole in the wall I was torn between my desire to keep going

And my desire to commit to the bit Feeling like a fool I was torn between my desire to keep going and my desire to commit to the bit. Feeling like a fool. I was. And so you guys do not feel like fools, however, because you just smote a bunch of creepy-looking dudes, and you had just investigated a tree that nobody thought should be growing in this mage tower. You passed it a couple of times when you were marching up and down, trying to clean out all the baddies.

And there might be some baddies above the 15th floor that's as high as you guys went you didn't kind of go up into the top half of the mage tower there are too many magical protections you guys kept bouncing off of them so you're you're about a quarter of the way up the mage tower in this room that's supposed to be a meditation room but has a mysterious tree in it and uh esmeralda had ingested a pollen uh briefly when she and bodhi tried to advance into the room a little bit and she had a vision and uh everything still kind of vision of love just kidding it was a vision of zinzerina i think yeah zinzerina vision it definitely felt like you were uh getting a sort of royal cult kind of invitation because you were getting some kind of Zinzerina gospel

imprinted in your brain for a second. Like you were a lead actress on Smallville who was recruiting women for a sex cult. Oh, dear. That is the weirdest news story in the world. Much as actual humanity has experienced a darkness unlike we have seen before, you guys have gotten a glimpse

into what Zinzerina's up to. You sort of, Sarah, Esmeralda witnessed a sort of fable. That's more good, more good. Right, she was like, the blood, it's my blood, the blood is here, it's the blood. And the blood thing seemed kind of rote,

I would think, to Esmeralda. It felt like a very direct, kind of bossy voice saying it. And when you saw the crown, it felt very symbolic, not like you were actually witnessing part of a story. It was like a very direct kind of bossy voice saying it. And when you saw the crown, it felt very symbolic. Not like you were actually witnessing part of a story. It was like, this is like almost a hallucinogenic flyer that you're being handed into your brain. So, yeah. But you're still kind of, I would think, kind of feeling the after effects of it because you did sort of see it with your own.

Right. Yeah, keep an eye on me. Cause I, I failed that constitution. Everything still smells like mushrooms and mildew. And cause you were in the caves of the under dark for just a moment, but it felt very real. Do you want my Vicks inhaler?

I'm going to borrow my Vicks inhaler. So you were kind of pondering what to do next. I would say, um, Esmeralda, you remember that there were a couple of weeks between like this, the seance that transformed all the students and the mage tower falling. And then the mage tower actually sprouting into a,

um, they're not yet. That was incorrect information to whatever that reference was. Um, but like the Warner Warner Brothers' curriculum. Was it? 700 years ago? Right, that the actual event that's supposed to still be taking place,

the dorms, we need to figure out where the people are. And so you've got three sort of instructors with you. And one of them wants to go run off and talk to the students. She's like, yeah, we need to make sure the dorms are okay. So if you'll forgive me, I'm going to. Well, we definitely need to check out the dorms. I know, sorry, what's your name again? Bodie.

Bodie. I know Bodie maybe wanted to just set the tree on fire. So I'm not sure if he wants to just try that or if we should just go deal with the. So the instructor that's leaving, she introduces herself. She's Master Gendi, and she says, you know, please, whatever,

please don't do anything rash. Like, this is like a large magical bomb in our mage tower. There's clearly something going on here. If what you say is true and this other mage tower was destroyed, we could have some time because, again, maybe weeks between the mage tower falling

and the spire kind of growing to the moon. Okay. So maybe this thing will knock the mage tower down tonight. Maybe in two weeks. We don't know. We seem to have killed a lot of the guys. And so Gendi takes off, and there's two more. There's the gravely wounded mage.

Thanks for being the voice of reason, Dan, with that NPC there. Don't do that. You'll get killed. Master Tetched is the really wound one. Yes, his name is Master Tetched. It's T-E-C-H-T, though. And then Master Magnus is the guy who's trying

to get some authority. I saw Monster Magnus in Vegas. They were awesome. Master Magnus. Not Monster Magnet. Oh! Master Magnus. I didn't see those guys. Marvel Madness? I was Master

Magnus-ing him this morning in my garage. So Marvel Madness't see those guys. Marvel Madness? I was Master Magnus seeing him this morning in my garage. So Marvel Madness looks at you guys and he's like, you know, I do want your help, but we kind of need to sort of split off in a bunch of directions ourselves. We're a little

rudderless right now. What Gendy's going to go do is kind of check in on the students and we gotta you know kind of keep them happy you know they're kids and and uh they need to grow up this is the real world master magnus kind of takes his head he's like he's like well let me explain um i think the reason we had this seance booked was because there was sort of a loophole in our respect structure.

There's like one student in particular who's been nagging us to have some different kind of entertainment on campus, something a little more dicey. He's like, we like to have a very traditional, very low-key sort of mage college here. This is the kind of college where we study a lot of lore is this is the kind of college where we study a lot of lore this is the kind of college where we want everyone to know the basics of magic before they

just go running off on adventures and we take pride in the fact that we're not weird but we had one student in particular who i'm like worried about i want to know where she is you know she she might not even be in the dorm i want to find her make sure she's not consorting with one of the people she originally planned the seance with i'm sure we do right do we have um you don't have a map of the smaller area where you're in the mage tower right now like right by the tree so the dorms are the dorms are just a little bit north they're just like a quick jog and they're built into a hillside. And didn't they say they were staying in the forest?

Yes. However, they were invited to come onto campus tonight. Right. And so Master Magnus says he actually wants to rebook one of their usual entertainers and just try to have kind of like a chill thing going on in the dorms, but have it be heavily policed and have all the instructors nearby and just do something kind of like normal.

It definitely seems like the time for a party. Well, he's like, but here's the thing. They don't have parties. Right. Yeah. They have like with the, they have a bard who's like the, he tells you like we have this guy who comes in and he's just like the equivalent of like a folk singer and he's been coming here for decades.

And so that wasn't the show that was, he was gonna get a break and so he was like gonna be that on the next town over and i would just want to send a messenger to go bring this guy in and just kind of tell the kids to calm down because they're kids where was the last where was the last place you saw this student this girl he uh master magnus kind of goes oh geez if i'm being perfectly honest, it may have been in the woods. She doesn't like to hang out in the dorms with the other students.

The way he said it, I thought he was going to say his bedroom. My bed. No, he tells you her name is Dessa. There's a long pointy hat on the doorknob. She looks at you, Esmeralda. She says she's a half-elf, much like yourself,

and I think it gives her a bit of a chip on her shoulder. Sorry, this is really funny. No, I know. There's funny things happening. Oh, my God. The worst part of listening back to the podcast is all the jokes I talked over so I could keep the podcast moving. I'll be like, oh, I didn't laugh at that.

God damn it. That was funny. I'm sorry. People notice them. Well, I hope so. Good point, Matt. Okay so um okay so please keep interrupting me is what what i think i'm sorry so yes go go dessa is this half this half elf student he looks he's he's he's like you know how half elves can be like you know

she had no relationship with her father who was an elf and wanted nothing to do with her mother so uh yeah she she's always trying to push us to to be more of an experimental school and we have none of it um and so this was her idea because she went to a tavern off campus and met these elves she said they were elves not drow you know if she told me they were drow i would have been like oh no no no no no no um and he says now that i think about it i think that the the house of elves that was putting this whole thing on does sound like it was maybe drow like the whole thing seems kind of straightforward drow and we we kind of stepped in it a little yeah i thought they had to sign a special i thought we knew they were drow because they had to sign a special agreement the students who are bringing

them here that's the thing. They had to make a magical pact where basically if they weren't on their best behavior, they would be unable to cast magic. If they committed any sort of out-of-bounds spells, if they cast any out-of-bounds spells,

then they would be rendered dispelled. Do we think we should go into the woods and look for this lost half elf and the drow I'm emotionally lost this pact is what kept the magic from happening or was there something you would do to stop the magic

at first we thought this was just some elves and then we found out after we agreed to the whole thing that they were drow. And so we had them sort of like have this magical pact. It was misrepresented. He says the House of Faeon, which, you know, once we told Archmage Sermanica it was House of Faeon, he was like, those are drow dummies. Like, what are you letting drow on a campus for?

But out of respect to D dessa and a desire that a lot of people had to make this uh not just a boring mage college yeah we were gonna go for it anyway because the research we did made it sound like this could be okay well can we have whatever was gonna stop them from casting spells can we somehow have that at the ready it was gonna stop the students right yeah he said that's actually why i'm worried about them and i stop them from casting spells. Can we somehow have that at the ready? It was going to stop the students, right? Yeah, he said that's actually why I'm worried about them and I want to make them calm because if they start casting spells in defense or anything,

they're going to have basically dispel magic cast on themselves and they will be rendered even more helpless. But if they don't cast an offensive spell, they can cast all sorts of insight spells, all sorts of beneficial passive spells that can help protect them in case of an emergency. But they'll all be rendered magic-less if they start firing magic missiles around. Got it. So does anyone is it? Does anyone else think...

I just thought the woods seemed like the next step. Well, they are lovely dark and deep. Master Magnus says he would actually not mind going with you if that's where you want to go.

He's trying to write... He's kind of rubbing Master Tet's shoulders right now and trying to heal him. He's trying to cast some healing spells on him and he's like,

I need someone to go up in the tower. I was just gonna... there's 15 more floors up that someone also has to go scout uh because there could be you know some kind of little clutch of dark elves up there i was gonna ask about that yeah but i also need to be healthed up i would like to but i don't want to split up the we probably shouldn't do that, right? He says it... Oh, I'm absolutely not pushing for that because it makes it harder for me. But you're setting up two things.

For choices. You're talking about things to be killed upstairs. To me. Right. And I'm going to tell you, in the voice of this NPC, as he's trying to heal Master Tetch, Master Magnus says,

you all look really tired I'm willing to gamble that we all try to rest I feel like we bought ourselves maybe a night by killing all these guys off and if one of us goes

if one of us can just find Dessa then maybe we can make sure that there's no dark elves showing up who are unexpected at this point. We already put the word out. We feel like we've sounded enough alarms that they won't even be able to get on campus, but I'm worried about this student. I'm worried she's in trouble.

Because she's a good kid. We can tiny hut up, and I'll sing some songs with some cure wounds he then when are we gonna get this girl oh but I thought he said I've got a real hut you can rest in there's actually one just thing we rest and then go get the girl okay then let be clear. Okay, then let's just do that. Yes. And he said, you know, let's all, he said the only problem is it's by the outdoor theater where I want to try to gather students, so there might be a little noise.

But I think you're going to find that there's certain magic alarms going off all night that might be a little distracting. It'll be fine. We're used to, yeah. There's also a football game going on, and we won, so there's going to be a lot of cheering. And Bodhi doesn't say this out loud, but we all trust this guy, right? He looks like he's a little spooked, Master Magnus.

He looks like he's not enjoying this, and that seems convincing enough. You feel like he's kind of in damage control. Cool. So I would say that unless you guys want to roll for insight or something like that. How many floors are left? No one has checked the top 15 floors. I could

do that. I fly. He looks at you and goes, we have to actually spend a couple hours casting spells on you or you would fly right into an invisible force and crush your head yeah it feels like we're like wasting time that we should just be let's just rest and do it right if we're gonna sounds good if that's what you know this guy slash dan telfer wants us to do

then let's do that all right yeah so he he kind of you know he he he pats uh master touched on the back and he's like go go cast some protections on the 14th floor. Try to keep anything from coming down. What's the top floor? He said there's 15 more. Yeah, and he said it's all libraries with dangerous magical spells, some artifacts. Is there a headquarters or an office?

He said, honestly, that's where Archmage Somatic was killed is sort of the office. That's where one of the big fights you already had. And a lot of stuff was gone. I think that's where most of it was. But there might be one or two. Most of the more public areas you've been to

at this point. But we can come back. We're going to rest. We can come back or go to the woods once we're done doing that, correct? Yes. And he said, you guys seem pretty keen on the woods. If you like, I can wake you up

around two in the morning and before the sun rises we can head out into the woods just to make sure there's no surprises. Sounds good. And so a touch goes off. He starts heading down the stairs. You're going to follow him for now.

Everyone's going to know. So he goes out on the main campus. He waves down a student and says, go, go, there's a tavern southeast of here. Go run over there and get Okendoink. He'll,

he'll do the show tonight and he'll do the theater and kids will have Oaken Doink. So he goes, one of the kids goes to get Oaken Doink, who's going to be the substitute performer instead of the seance. Oaken Doink? Uh-huh. And then Master Magnus walks you over to this little building.

It looks kind of like a cabin or like a beach house bathroom. It's got like sort of netting around the outside. It feels very hippie. So you can sort of see through into the building a little bit. And you go in there and there's visitor's bunks and, you know, a sort of water closet built in. And he's like, you know, try and rest.

We'll turn off all the lamps in here. Can we set watches and do it? Yeah. I'll go first. Okay. I'm 39 down. Can I get that just in sleeping or can somebody else?

No, you're going to only be able to heal a little bit. I can do my Song of Rest. That's from this game, right? Everybody gets to play my Song of Rest. Because I also lost a lot. I'm going to say you don't. You don't.

I'm going to say because you're suddenly in this cabin, and it's very peaceful, and you're able to forget a moment the horrible stuff that you did, so you don't take a penalty. It also helps that when you start casting Song of Rest, you hear another bard outside in the theater. He forgets about killing that kid? Yeah, exactly.

Because there's another bard playing outside, it kind of distracts you enough. You forget that you nuked a bystander. He what? What did he do? This guy? I'm going to try to distract myself by healing my friends.

But it works. I'm also going to try to distract myself by healing my friends but it works I'm also going to try to heal my friends that aren't in quotes 10 12 oh I'm going to put that on Brian so that's 12 does anybody else need a thing? thank you

everybody do a perception check. I will give you a quick description of what it's like as you go to sleep. And if you roll over a 15, I will give you more specific details so you know what you're going to wake up to. So I'm not rolling yet because I'm doing the... You're doing first watch. This is, yeah, this is one for those guys. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But everyone is about to go to sleep.

You didn't get it? Did you get over 15? Oh, what am I rolling here? 20. Perception check. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But everyone is about to go to sleep. You didn't get it? Did you get over 15? Oh, what am I rolling here? 20. Reception check. Giving me a bonus, too. A four! No, you didn't get it.

But it's plus two! Okay. Nine plus... My perception is high. That's a great song. Your perception's 11. Yeah, so... So you perception's 11. Yeah. So you actually get it.

20. All right. So for the most part, Bodhi and Tweed, you just notice it feels like you're in a camping lodge. Tom, you notice that the bard outside sounds like he's singing very silly songs. It sounds like he's like a goofy kind of like weird entertainer. A weird owl? Yeah. Kind of entertainer?

His name is Okendoink. Are they parodies of other Bard songs? What'd you roll? 20. Notice they kind of sound like parodies of other Bard songs. But every once in a while there's an original thrown in, right?

And then Emo Phillips opened. Everybody's lurking by the meat bin. You're taking first watch. Roll a 20. Bologna. 16.

So you hear lots of popping noises during this concert that goes on for about two hours, and it just sounds like there's just weird magical alarms that are going off in a pattern. The first time you hear it, you're a little concerned, and then you hear almost the exact same noise an hour later, and you realize they're kind of just subtle student alarms to let everyone know that certain emergency protections are up. And you remember from your time

at the college of roke that there were similar perhaps less open air versions of this that you would hear sometimes when you'd use a magical door you'd be like oh it made a clicking noise and that means that there was a spell on it but it's a practice spell for for young people okay um and uh so that's that's what you notice. I'll say two hours go by. Uh, I think, do you want to swap hours?

You want to, you want to get some rest yourself? Oh yeah, I do. Okay. I'll, I'll take one. Okay.

Uh, roll it up, Tom. I'm about to. Roll it up, Tom. That's what you were born to do. That's what I was born to do.

Uh, 14. Is that what you were born to do. That's what I was born to do. 14, is that my perception? Mm-hmm. We got a huge bonus on that one. 25. So two more hours go by, the concert's still going. You notice a similar thing, but you're not quite as sure what they are because you're a goofy rogue, man. Hey, come on.

Well, you're a goof. I'm arcane. You're't you. Hey, come on. Well, you're a goof. I'm arcane. You're suave. You're magical. But these kids, they seem naive to you. The more you listen to this bard, the more you think he's too goofy, man. Like, what is this entertainment? And you start to wonder about...

That sounds exactly like another one bites the dust. But yeah, you're rolling. You've got this huge perception bonus, so I'm giving you insight into this bard because he's kind of echoing through, and you just start going, I kind of get why this student, Dessa, hates this entertainment

and tried to find a seance to replace it because you're just kind of like... I kind of like it though. Try to get Bob Saget. If you want to make Tom like it, Tom can like it. But I think you also feel like it's really goofy. It's like these are young, angry

hormone filled kids and you got the impression this entertainer comes here like every week. So you hear a couple more hours of that. And then are you going to swap hours one more time as we approach the final two-hour stretch before it sounds like some campus guys are going to come?

I'm all healed up, so. I need more, but I don't know. I would let Bodhi sleep if I was you guys because he got all fucked up. I can, and you know what? I'm an elf. I don't need a lot of sleep. I can learn another cure

wounds and lay another cure wound. You sure can. We'll switch hats. Roll a perception check for you. Just one. Roll 120. I was doing 13 for his. You were okay. Roll a perception check because that's what I was worried about because I was narcissistic and thinking about my job.

19 plus 2. Oh, again, very good. Sorry, it never happens. Pretty proud of myself. You notice that the concert ends? Thanks, Tweed. Oh, sure. My pleasure.

Do you think you hear crickets? Oh, Blaine Kipatch is on. You hear the students kind of filing away. You think they're walking sort of across the campus to the dorms to actually get their own rest finally. And you hear some talking outside the door.

Can I put up my little Elvin stethoscope? Can I put up a hotel glass against the wall and listen in? Yeah. Roll here. It's still going to be a little tricky, even though there's not a lot of wall to this building. Let's do...

I'm trying to think if this is stealth or perception. I think it's perception. It's a wisdom check. Wisdom check. For Tweed, that's a plus six, and you need a 15 to really hear much. I got a 13 plus six, which is 19. Lovely. You hear

a conversation between Master Magnus. There's only one thing that's not on four legs that can hear this frequency, Superman, and that's you. You hear Master Magnus geeking out to this bard and telling him how much he loves his songs and how much he appreciates him coming here in short notice and just like he just you know he loves that he uses both like a drum and a lute and goes back and forth and it's just like really great and like he doesn't understand you know why he wasn't just booked like any other week this week and why there was that confusion

and it won't happen again. He'll be the regular. And there's been a lot of, it's been a really hard day. So just thank you. And he's just like gushing to this guy. Am I getting a feeling that maybe the other bard

was charming people with his songs? Yes. Okay. And you get a feeling that neither of these two feel- It's like an Ed Sheeran kind of thing. But neither of them feel bad about it and you get a feeling that neither of these like an ed sheeran kind of thing and but neither of them feel bad about it you get a feeling like it was like a deliberate like like a charm to calm them down and uh you don't the other guy doesn't talk much but you you do hear that it doesn't sound very human his voice he just kind of goes oh Ooh. Uh-huh.

There's Captain and Tennille and Schmoo. Is anyone else awake yet? Right about the end of the two hours, both Master Magnus and another bard enter the room. And it depends on how light you guys are sleeping. You can just wake yourselves up or wait for twee to do it but what the i think you know we could just kind of like pretend that we're sleeping and listen for a little while uh is that what you would do you think you would you hear them kind of walking towards the door and you would be like oh i want to hear more what the what's going on with this guy perk up my up my little point here. That sounds interesting, yes.

I would say you guys would notice, if you were starting to wake up, that Twee all of a sudden kind of tiptoes over to his bed and climbs into his bed. And you're like, oh, what is... He's adorable. So we're listening. So Master Magnus comes in, and he is with this creature that's like 8 feet tall

it's about as tall as you two but he's got a lute strapped to his back and Master Magnus is telling him how oh there's this empty bunk over here you can sleep there for tonight and you know don't worry about these guys they're here to help protect the campus

and just go get some rest. Thank you so much. He goes, thank you, thank you. Oh, that sounds great. Okay. Great. Thank you so much.

He starts getting ready to go lay down. Stopped. Can you maybe look at him with your scarab? Sure. That's what I was thinking. Do a sleight of hand check. Difficulty 18. All right.

What is that? Dex? It's its own subset of dex that you get extra bonuses on, I believe. Right. Got it. So. Oh, yeah. You get a plus eight.

Yeah. So it's 26. All right. a plus eight yeah so it's 26 all right you uh you see his his uh magical instruments have a pale blue aura but he is just swirling gray well that's good all right so he's minty and yeah he starts kind of he gets in the bed and it's creaking because he's gigantic and he's trying to get comfortable. You hear him kind of go, ooh. Okay, I wake up. Okay. I say hi.

To the guy sleeping? He goes, oh, hey, what's going on? Sorry, I'm just trying to sleep. Oh, sorry, enjoy your rest. Okay. Rolled a stare at him while he tries to sleep and he tries to go back to sleep

I just stared he's definitely like rolling around like he's not sleeping I just wanted to see if he seemed normal-ish he seems a little strange but yeah he seems doofy I got that I was ready to fill up a pillow with soda cans but yeah. He seems doofy. Yeah. Okay. I got that.

I was ready to fill up a pillow with soda cans. As you have that conversation, Master Magnus walks over and he says in kind of hushed tones, like, if you guys are ready, I'm ready to go on the expedition to find Dessa in the woods. Let's do it. All right. Should we kill this guy before we leave yeah i feel like we should kill i feel like we should kill this guy before we leave blamed by choices now hold on now do you oh yeah display any hostility towards no no i think we're kidding i think we're kidding yeah No, but I'm serious. This guy's going to pop up later and try to kill us. I mean, he's not a kid.

As you guys get ready to leave the room, he goes, Master Magnus goes, you guys did miss quite a concert. It was really good. Blue is like blessing or something positive on the instruments, and he's like just a great. Yeah. All right, okay.

I love that we can just kill him. He could just a gray. Yeah. All right, okay. I love that. We can just kill him. He could just be neutral. He could be like a neutral evil guy. He's like, oh man, you're a bard. You must get that all the time. People just love your live shows. Do you still do a lot of live shows?

I'm mostly studio these days. So he takes you guys. Stuff with danger maps. Never meet your hero. He gushes a little more about Okendoink as he walks you guys to the edge of the woods.

And he says, okay, so here's the deal. I checked in with the other instructors. Dessa did not come back last night. She is the only student who is unaccounted for other than Zerus, who we think is either dead or hidden at the top of the tower.

And Rodney, who is either dead or at the top of the tower. Two students went into the mage tower and never came out. We never found their remains. I'm not getting no respect in the tower. Help. There's three missing students, and this is the one that we haven't seen in 24 hours.

She's in the forest, and two are upstairs. Is that what you're saying? I don't know where she is. Right. Yeah, you guys killed one of them almost by accident. Yeah, the guy that took us upstairs. In the tower. Oh.

He was a hostage, and then he died in a horrible fight. That was Rodney. Yeah, he got trapped in a burning room. Rodney! You guys ran through the fire and left him there. So he's either dead or... After you hit him with a sword, though, right? Not on purpose.

Correct. That's true. Who hit him with the sword? You did. Is this black? There's this sort of like bright... I do remember that uh fog and you saw your sword into it and you heard him yelp yeah poor guy um if i may he gets no respect so um

but you guys are heading to find this uh you haven't met her yet uh this half elf named essa and um so uh master magnus says you know as we as we go in here be a little careful one of the reasons this whole thing makes me nervous is because i've been in this college for over 20 years and we've never had this problem but there's an old drought cave in the woods that's been sealed off for a long time and all this drow talk i was like that's probably a coincidence i think maybe we should start with the cave sounds good okay um there is a uh there's an old hermit you don't need to go into the tower at all he was like well i i would love to go into the tower the second I find Dessa. I'm worried about this kid. He's making it pretty clear.

Yeah, I mean, she's a teenager. She's very powerful for her age, but she's also really stubborn. She's like Emma Gonzalez. You want to applaud Emma Gonzalez? How dare you? I was not. Okay, all right. I immediately just put it

on you all serious. He says... She really loves guns. Master Magnus swallows really hard and says, you know, now that I think about it, this hermit, you might take pause when you meet him.

He is unusual himself and I feel like there's been a lot of reckoning for my school today. So, you know, but he's, I don't know if any of you are familiar with Quaggots, but he's a Quaggoth. Wait, when we meet who?

I'm sorry, I missed the beginning of this. This hermit that lives near the cave. And he's sort of, he's always, he's just like this goofy guy who lives in the woods. That's what people from Boston call gay. So he's like... We're going to have to meet this quaggoth.

HB loves something. Or some kind of quaggoth. His name is Heglish. Ken just went home that was so weird that was weird I've never seen him get up and leave before

he just blurted something out and left look he's just peeling out and heading down the street finally oh he's back

so yeah he said this guy's name is Heglish he's weird but I want to talk to him and just see if he's noticed

anything weird he's really old I don't know if you've ever met a quaggoth but usually they're not pleasant this guy's fine.

He's like elderly. He's probably harmless as far as I know. Okay, we're fine. Let's go. So you walk for a few minutes. The woods are very dark. And you just hear this weird buzzing noise.

And all of a sudden, Master magnus pulls out a wand um it's just you know do you hear that and all you heard is a buzzing but he seems to be really concerned yeah it's just a buzzing can we why are you reassuring me why is he concerned maybe what do you think it is i think i saw a very large aura when I saw it. I'm running on a lot of special spells right now. Five-hour energy. A couple of lewds.

I think I saw a very evil presence when I heard that buzzing sound. I was like that at Bonnaroo a couple years back. Can we roll for that? Yeah, everybody do a perception check. I'm still rolling from the second week of Coachella. I miss Bay. That was supposed to be great, but the second one was just a blur. Eight.

Nine. Hey, Dan, can I ask you, do I have a bonus to my initiative? Perception. This is perception. Is that what you want the bonus for your initiative? Oh, just for initiative, actually. Yeah, you have... 19. That's good.

19 is great. Yeah, at a 20, right? I don't see a bonus for initiative for you. Okay, just curious. You might have one, but in 5th edition, they don't make that easy on D&D Beyond anyway. You don't know, right? What did you roll for your perception?

An 8. Plus 4, so 12. Tom and Bodhi are the only ones who are going to see something special so tell me what you're looking for now that you know that you should be sort of so you're looking for an aura do you bust out the scarab and what are you doing

looking for a quagmire you're just looking around seeing if you can pin down the buzzing noise I'm just singing the greatest hits of that bard I really loved his work I guess I didn't perceive anything so I'm just singing the greatest hits of that bard. I really loved his work. Okendoink. I guess I didn't perceive anything,

so I'm just going to keep going. Master Magnus is like, oh my God, I'll make sure I get you one of his songs. We'll set up a tape trading thing. It's going to be awesome. Yeah, you've got a bard right here. Maybe he could learn some Okendoink stuff.

And so, you, Tom, you do see a bright red, or I'm sorry, is it red? No, no do see a bright red. I'm sorry, is it red? No, no, it's not red. You see it's magical. You see, shit, let me pull up. Green?

I have to pull up. Magical. Oh, chemicals, topical. They set me away, told me how to be. You see something orange going... Like about five feet overhead. And you spot it, Brian. Portugal.

It's very dark, but you're half-orc, and you can see you're following what he's following. Half-orc won't travel. You start watching Tom and his scarab, and you're able to pinpoint where the weird buzzing noise is. And Master Magnus says, I'm having a hard time pinning the aura down. I don't know what that device you have is. It's right over there. Why don't you... It's over there! Let's try you...

The second you get a clear shot point at it, and I'll zap it out of the sky. So, what we're going to do here for this is you're going to roll another perception check.

And the higher the number, the better the odds that he's going to hit it, basically. But you need a 15 for him to hit it. Because it's really... 19. Yep, so he's going to hit. You have a plus 11 holy crap

got good perceptions that's why you let him keep the scare of a farcing even though he forgot to use it for like 10 episodes very perceptive alright so Zot he shoots a green bolt out of his

wand and it collides all four of you notice it collides with something in the air and it just hisses and fizzles and lands on the ground let's go get it yeah rent it so he runs over to it with you guys

this is my neighbor's drone and he starts kicking it and he says some kind of fairy. Does he look familiar? Oh, no. You get a little closer. No.

What? What's going on? We've done this to Gagno. Gagno's not in this. A very familiar NPC to these guys, someone who traveled back in time 1500 years is he dead? you see an unconscious

it looks like it might be dead evil looking fairy with jet black hair but is it Gago? is it Gago? dude we gotta heal him alright I'll heal him god damn it how many times have we fucking killed this guy this is the fourth time that you have delivered him. All right, I'll heal him. God damn it.

How many times have we fucking killed this guy? This is the fourth time that you have delivered a critical strike against him, thinking he was just... Okay, wait. Go back, though. So there's no way Bodhi, when Bodhi realized where it was coming from, Bodhi... It was dark. Yeah, but Bodhi still had no idea it was Gago.

You know, things like this... But it doesn't sound like... It's like Bodhi and Brian was dark. Yeah, but Bodhi still had no idea it was Gago. You know, things like this. But it doesn't sound like noises he's made before. It's like Bodhi and Brian are just the same guy. But seriously. Bodhi rolled high on perception, though. If you had questioned what it was at any point, I would have had you roll a wisdom check. All right.

And I would have told you straight up, that's gago but you guys were 100 on board with zapping you're right you're right so why is it or why was he orange uh you believe orange means something is cursed and if you know gago he's got a little wand he's probably got some cursed equipment on him i don't know dude has the worst luck no I don't know Gago. Dude has the worst luck. No, you don't know Gago. And you notice... Fucking Gago. The more you look at him, you realize he's a little big for a pixie.

He looks like he drinks too much. And he's a pixie. He's not a fairy. He's a weird species of pixie that looks... You don't think you've seen him before. And it's because he is from an island called Amina that's in the middle of the ocean,

and he evolved 1,500 years. Can this Magnus... Hey, this guy's our friend, and you won't believe this. He says, what? You won't believe this, but we've killed him four times. This is clearly an evil pixie. I know, but he helps us. I actually have grown to like the guy

and I feel kind of shitty that he's gotten killed four times. He says, okay, I just healed him. He doesn't look like he he's a very durable creature, but he's not waking up. I zapped him real good. Alright, I'll carry him.

Alright, he helps you find a pouch that you can kind of tuck him in. But he's not dead. You notice his little chest is going up and down and you hear like you know a little hole.

Is this one of those videos of something dying in a pool and somebody bringing it back to life. No that prairie dog thing. I saw that too today.

There's like a bunch of those videos. All of a sudden there's these things drowning and guys bringing them back to life. Bringing, that prairie dog thing. I saw that too today. There's like a bunch of those videos. All of a sudden there's these things drowning and guys bringing them back to life. Bringing back tiny creatures. I both found it. I was like, this is both incredibly touching and maybe it has

rabies. I was just like, the very simplistic take on finding a dead animal. Or at least brain damage. Right, right, right. Dead for four minutes in a pool. That was really disturbing for me today. So, okay. Anyway, long story short.

I fished live bunnies out of that pool right out back. Twice. Twice and like perfect timing. Oh my god. You're delicious. Wait, you're an internet hero and there's no video evidence? No. One time I was taking out the garbage and I heard a splash and went,

that's weird, and then ran over and this thing was trying to find the side and I used the thing and got it out. And then another thing. You're welcome. You're welcome. Well, good for you.

Yeah, that's great. But see, that one wasn't like floating already dead. Right. Oh, these guys, that's what happened? I don't know. It was like an unconscious prairie dog. Yeah, that's great. But see, that one wasn't like floating already dead. Oh, these guys, that's what happened? It was like an unconscious prairie dog. Okay, anyway. Master Magnus says, all right, let's keep going. I found a dead rat and I made out with it.

Does that count? Now, are you talking about Gago or? Okay, so you head a little farther and he gets to this little cabin next to a cave. And the two things are very close. They're in a pretty big clearing. There's this big sort of cleaving in the rock. No trees around it. Just sort of like this rocky wound in the ground.

And there's this little cabin next to it. And he says, that's Heglish's cabin. I want to go see what's going on. He knocks on the door. Heglish's cabin. I want to go see what's going on. He knocks on the door and after a couple of moments it opens and you see this sort of hunched over creature

with bright white hair all over its body, bright fur. It's got sort of the face of a hyena and these sort of just like white eyes and he's just sort of nodding at everything these two are talking about. Do you want to go join the conversation

or check out the cave? What do you want to do? Do I scare him? Yeah, you can scare him. Don't notice anything but just a pale gray swirly aura. I'm listening to the conversation. Yeah, let's listen in. So the two of them are talking There's a lot of

small talk. Master Magnus is asking him how he is. Do you want me to tell you a little bit about Quaggoth? Do you want to roll to see if your dungeon master imparts any lore on you? Sure. Let's make this a

history check difficulty of 15. I got 16. I'll give you more details the more people who make the roll. I didn't get it. I didn't get it. What is the point of being an Elder's Night scholar if I just keep missing all these rolls?

What's your bonus? It's four, but I still didn't get it. It's pretty good, no. Twelve? And your history bonus is four, so you got it. Or did you include a bonus? No, I didn't. All right, so only tweet. and your history bonus is 4 so you got it or did you include a bonus? you remember Tweed these guys typically are pals with Drow

so yeah you realize this guy Heglish the Quaggoth these people are usually friends of the Drow they're servants of the Drow and they're cannibals and they're real. They're servants of the drow. And they're cannibals, and they're real

nasty. They're sort of monsters. They've descended from, you know, an above-ground species that was once more sentient. It's like the descent. But the cannibals, so they eat each other.

But they feed desperately for meat. But the guy's talking to him. He knows him, right? He seems real old and docile. He seems like if you were to pat his head, you could hurt him. So what are they saying?

Sounds like a Morlock. As they kind of get past the small talk, you see Master Magnus... Jesus Christ! He's so burpy. He's got a terrible cold. Do you have a cold? No. Sorry, everybody. We're recording this podcast

in Denver, the mile-high city where everybody's really gassy. Guess we should have mentioned that. Oh my god, what a great excuse that would be. Also explains why it's taking me longer to cook all my noodles i'm glad that i only have like a few hours of exposition prepared uh because otherwise i would never get it all into these episodes i'm trying to you're the one talking at a snail's pace right now infuriating how right now instead of giving this sort of lecture. And we're done. Master Magnus gets concerned

because Heglish goes kind of straight from his small talk to saying, oh yeah, my friend the drow were just here. And he's like, what do you mean? There hasn't been drow in these woods that I've seen. In a long time, I thought this cave was sealed off. I mean, like we were all kind of glad this cave. He's like, oh no, you know,

my friends came by asking about this just the other day. and it seems like he's proud to have met some drow and he's too old to know it's a bad thing so um uh you know master magnus kind of invites you guys over and says uh yeah this isn't this is really bad because it sounds like you know heglish over here has befriended a couple of drow that are wandering around the woods. Do they go in the cave? Heglish hears you say that and says, oh, of course. That's where her cloak is. Whose cloak? Zinzerina.

Oh, you know Zinzerina? Of course. Who doesn't know Zinzerina? Are you waiting for her resurrection? No, it sounds like it could be interesting. I mean, that's all my friends can talk about. Her cloak is in there. Yeah, her cloak is right in that cave.

They come asking about that cave all the time. I tell them, oh, you know, the mage college sealed it off long centuries ago. There's no way you can go in there. They seem very interested in going in. We should go in there and have something happen to us. And perhaps... I mean, without thinking. You will freeze and everyone turns into a colored pencil drawing. The end?

I think we're at time, aren't we? Oh, we have five minutes. So, Blaine, sing for five minutes. Stretch. Why don't I give you guys a chance to talk to head yeah i'd love to feel quagga i'd love to so so i'm just i'm a little pitchy um so did they go inside so they wanted to go inside the cave they want to yeah but you can only go about 20 feet in that cave before the the rock is just

heavy and granite and there's no there's no break in it you know this is rock that was summoned from deep in the earth to seal it off and was dessa with them at any point um he says uh oh well you know they do have that friend that young elf i don't know her name but there's a there's a young elf i think that hangs out with my my drow friends have have uh was his face yeah describe her hegris is like i don't know her name she seems very shy she always has a hood pulled up she seems to not want to get my attention how long has she been hanging out with them oh i don't know it's been a moon or two i suppose which is very upsetting to uh master magnus he seems to not like how this is turning out.

No. He was lusting after the girl. Do we think she's long gone? Can't really tell. I mean, Heglus just thinks all the Zinzerina talk is great. It just sounds fun that there's like a magical goddess's artifact right

in his backyard. So he's just kind of acting like an old guy who someone found a dinosaur skeleton in his backyard he's just kind of like oh yeah he's asking about has anybody tried to retrieve it he says oh that's all those three want to do is they want to retrieve it but the three of them they don't know how to do it they some i'll let them sit there and cast some spells you know they're not too noisy they keep pretty quiet i'll come out and bring them some fish from the river, and we'll have a little meal, and they'll just go about their business. I'll go back to my house, and, you know, that's that.

It's fun to watch them trying to get the kick. Where are they? Her cloak is in there. They're trying to get the cloak out of her. Oh, right. Okay. What do they think the cloak's going to do? He says he's not sure.

He thinks it's exciting because it could it could bring back zinzerina whoever as you all may know uh is theoretically dead how long has it been in there how long have people known it's been in there um so it's like something that people would get killed trying to get master magnus puts a hand on your shoulder tweet and says i didn't know there was a goddess's cloak in this cave uh that's shocking that's not good um and uh that's a dead god like that's and it's a drow god this is a this is a particular goddess who's sort of known for her cruelty who's known for illusion magic who's known for illusion magic, who's known for murder. She was basically an assassin goddess. So this is all bad news. So do you have any ideas of how to get into the cave?

He says a little bit. This was sort of Archmage Sermenic's secret. There was a few just sort of ancient secrets that only the Archmage was allowed to know and he goes there is a book about it in the upper floors of the mage tower do you think it would be a good idea to retrieve it

and try to destroy it do you think maybe you should try to destroy this cloak he said I thought we all destroyed this cave by sealing it off. That granite wall that's about 20 feet in, I mean, that's almost as deep as that mage tower.

I don't know what they're up to or what they mean by her cloak is right there. It's Washington hot. And the Quaggoth Haggosh is just sort of like laughing because he feels like he's getting

more attention and he starts asking you guys what your names are and how about that ask you if you

want to ask you if you want to come in and have some fish yeah we got to get back to the

tower it seems like yeah Master Magnus is like Quaggoth wants us to have fish I tell him it was really nice to meet him I've never had a Quaggoth before we gotta get back to the tower seems like yeah Master Magnus is like Quaggoth wants us to have fish I tell him it was really nice to meet him

I've never met a Quaggoth before I tell him it was really nice to meet him and I've never met a Quaggoth before it was an honor he kind of lights up and he's like oh thank you yes I haven't seen another one of my kind

in almost 30 years thank you thank you and and so you get kind of like a bundle of information um the two drow that were visiting heglish went by uh the names parishery and viesta uh you're not sure what kind of wacky uh fake name that could be but that's sounds like something with a lot of side effects

oh you're done right for you yeah you're allergic to vi yeah but uh you you get the impression that master magnus is is starting to get a little pissed at dessa and is abandoning his concern and is like well if she's coming here asking about a drow god at artifact like without you know he's like i feel like i'm i'm pretty sure that was her that sounds like the kind of nonsense that she would get caught up in and um it makes sense that then she would say she found at a local tavern these drow like these these could be drow that you you you adventurers have already killed i'm not sure if it's if like in the body count as we go through all those those those bodies up in the mage tower if if thisashree and Vy'estra are amongst them.

But Dessa wasn't. I would have known if I saw Dessa mixing around up there. So I think it's time for us to head back to the tower unless you want to check anything else out in this forest. Wait, did we not think that Dessa's not in the forest? He's like, she's in the forest or she's in the tower. The tower got turned. I thought we were going to the forest.

But they haven't been able to get this cloak. You're in it, yeah. There's a book that might tell them how to get to it that's in the tower. So we should keep that book away from them. Yeah, Archmage Sermanic, in one of the upper, very top floors, kept a book. Okay, got it.

I follow all that, but I was still wondering about the girl. Yeah, and he's like, I'm concerned, but it sounds like she's been, you know... Like we thought she was a victim, but it turns out that she might be a perpetrator. Correct. She's been pulling a little bit of a Kylo Ren, checking out Snoke's stuff. Spoiler alert.

Whoops! She's a bit of a flibberty gibbet. That's some 2015 Kylo Ren information. I feel pretty good. Anyway, you get the sense that he feels betrayed enough that he's like, if she's in the woods, I'm less concerned about her. I feel like there's a solid chance that she and some drow

or whatever those more pale, gross-looking elves are, they're hiding up in the tower. And he says, not you. You're one of the good ones. Oh my god. It just got so dog-whistly in here. He didn't mean that

in any kind of disparaging way towards elves. He's talking about those lunar elves, which they stick out. They look almost the opposite of drow to him. Yeah, yeah. Because the dr of drow to him. Yeah, yeah, because the drow

have jet black skin and these have pale white skin. Yeah, he needs those. He doesn't like those and he's worried there's more in the tower

with Dessa. Back to the tower. All right. Is that it? I think that's it. Was that 13 or 12? That was 12. All right.

Thanks for listening. I want to plug something real quick. It'll have been... No, no. Oh. Hey, I wanted to plug something, too. Hey, Brian, I got something really good. No, no, no, no, no.

So once in a lifetime thing with a... Oh, fuck it. You go first. Oh, no, fuck. Yeah, this has nothing to do with the show, so I just kind of want to remind myself to say it. There's this dude, Blaine, you might remember. Remember this guy?

He went by the Twitter handle SethGoodTime? Yes. He won Hashtag Wars a couple times. He literally played every Hashtag War for four years. I remember SethGoodTime. And he would get involved in all of the digital pods, games, and stuff. He got mugged and stabbed real bad last friday so i tweeted out uh gofundme link and i'll i'll tweet it out again

but like holy crap where does he live uh texas outside of austin and uh he just yeah it was random he was walking on the street didn't take his wallet or anything but like stabbed him a lot wow and he's yeah he's huge ambulance bill critical he's no he's okay and he's conscious but like he had to get stapled back together it was rough so uh i just want to say like uh check out my twitter feed i'll retweet it again around the time this episode drops but uh it'd be great if you could throw him some money because now he's a bunch of money in the hole and uh i i regret that uh all that midnight's not around that we couldn't just do like a huge like push to like get this guy get this guy's drag some money so uh shout out to seth good time you feel better man i hope by the time this episode goes out that uh you're not even

in pain yeah no kidding uh yeah thanks for listening um brian.sane.com all that thanks for listening to another episode of nerd poker you can follow us at patreon.com slash nerd poker and you get bonus episodes from there and you can also uh send us anything at p.o box one six zero six nine encino california nine 91416. Thanks for listening. Today, Teller was on the show that I was shooting. And it's so subtle but so amazing. Are you a fan? Yeah.

You're probably a fan. I love that dude and um i've always liked him more even than pen i love pen and teller sure i've always been more of a teller fan well pen is so outgoing like you're gonna have an opinion kind of a mouthful caught this and it was i was so happy that i caught this. A wardrobe person, or a makeup person, he asked for a tissue. And he blows his nose. And he made it disappear. And I was so fucking happy.

He did this sleight of hand shit. And just like it's so second nature. And I lost it. I saw it from 20 feet away. And I was so delighted. He doesn't have waist cans in his house. He has really baggy pants. He did a...

So great. Penn and Teller did At Midnight and I was writing with them backstage and they're sitting there trying to figure out what tricks they're going to do

and Teller's like, hey, why don't I just do this? And he just opens his mouth like he's thrown up and 50-cent pieces start pouring out of his mouth. In the dressing room, he's like, what do you think of that? Like, just real serious, like, you think that'll work? Like, where did you get a... Sinuses full of 50-cent pieces.

It's fantastic.