Nerd Poker - Episode 13 - Lurue

Episode Date: April 17, 2019

After having instigated a series of mercenary bribes gone sour, our heroes have a few loose ends to tie up (stab) before they can move on. And if they can, there is a certain temple to visit, and a certain drow friend their who may have regained her faculties by now.

Hey everybody, I'm Brian Poussin, Comedian, writer, actor, nerd. I've been playing D&D with my friends for a long time. I decided to do a new podcast where we play Dungeons & Dragons in my very own dining room. With my wife, kid, and my noisy dogs. So meet my friends Sarah, Kev, Dan, Blaine, Chris. Now it's time for another episode of Brian Posehn's Nerd Poker. Season 3. Hey, everyone.

This is Rhodes Posehn from Brian Posehn's Nerd Poker. You are watching Episode 13, Season 3. Have fun. Thanks, pal. Yeah. Good work. See you guys. Later. Peace. See you guys. Later.

Peace. We have our announcer back because he's on spring break. So he's up late tonight. Nice. Rose Pardo. Yeah. All my friends are here. I'm Brian Pessain, first of all.

That was my son. Oh, first of all that was my son that was my son I made with a lady I didn't see how we did it could you? using lab equipment this is where Brian weirdly defends his virginity he's very pure he's never done anything weird Lab equipment. This is where Brian weirdly defends his virginity. He's very pure.

He's never done anything weird. All my friends are here. The people that are making fun of me already. That's what friends do. Chris. Hello. Sarah. Ken. Ken.

Wait. Chris. Yep. Sarah. Hi. Ken. Hello. Hey.

Hey. Blaine. Hi. Ken. Hello. Hey. Hey. Bye. At the end of the table, as always, our friend Sam. Hi, guys. Hey, Sam. Hi, Sam. Sam, are you on Mike in any other podcasts? Some of them, yeah.

Nope. That's a Nerd Poker exclusive. Yep. Guess. That's a Nerd Poker exclusive. Guess what else is a Nerd Poker exclusive? The following Patreon supporters. Thank you, WiffleDiffle69. Nice. Thank you, Pepperbert. Pepperbert. Did you name all these people, Dan?

Thank you, VoodooBeef. VoodooBeef. And thank you, TikTok's Downstairs Mix-Up. Wow, that could go a bunch of ways. That was my favorite episode of Peep Show. Our heroes defeated Thugus the Beholder, cut off all of his eyeball tentacles, brought him up...

Hold on, if anybody lives in there, never mind. Go ahead. My riff was not going to be worth it. So eyeball tentacles came upstairs. That was the downstairs mix-up we were talking about. You brought them up like a bunch of pool noodles, and you set a trap for the brigands employed by Thogus. You lured them in with promise of money,

and it wasn't entirely clear if you were planning on giving it to them or killing them. Who knows. At one point you got bored and stabbed the demon. That's not what I did. No, that's pretty much what... Okay, back up a go. At one point Darkzer came out

and tried to kiss the demon and it didn't go very well and so he rebuffed your advances. it didn't go very well and so like he rebuffed your advances and that didn't happen either he said hey I just think we're not supposed to be more than friends. These recaps have gotten

looser and looser as this season 3 goes on this narrator is not a reliable narrator when last we saw our heroes, they were fighting six, maybe seven, depending on how nice Kovner is feeling right now in the middle of City Hall. And no sign of Fugglesnuck. Kovner's pretty fucking carved up, though.

He took nine points of damage. Back to the action we go. Yeah yeah what the fuck was that right was that the wrap-up i thought it was great actually no that's not true he uh he took 14 points the attitude he threw me at the end i want to at some point go back to doing like a truly dramatic intro and i have no clue if I'll ever have the focus of fortitude. I like the unreliable narrator. It's changing the show. I like it. Let's see.

Last we saw, two guys just went off and started stabbing Brian. A girl in a pizza place. They botched heavily. One of them botched real bad, and now the rest of them are going to take their turns so here comes was fucking Deadpool on two guys a girl on a pizza place?

he was one of the two guys yes I know I just figured that out who played the pizza place? that bugbear charges you Halcine and misses physical bits other level for that bugbear charges

queep and misses and that frog man fucking bugbear papa john lithgow goes up to kovner and says why and Kovner and says, why?

And Kovner says, uh, I got held hostage. And the guy tries to stab and he misses Kovner. He stabs at Kovner? Yeah. Wow. Origin story. Here we go.

It's not that surprising. He literally was like, come inside. Hal Seen We gave him money. Origin story. Here we go. We gave him money. It's not that surprising. He literally was like, come inside, and then. Halcine, you're up. Domino's Deluise. All right. Are we still coming up with names for the pizza place? Yeah, I have early onset dementia. So I'm going to be doing this for a few more minutes.

A nerd poker exclusive. So I'm going to reach out and touch someone. The guy right in front of me and I'm going to inflict wounds on him. Remind us how inflict wounds works. Make a melee spell attack against a creature you can reach.

I have to do that. Emma Tombstone. That's five to hit. So that's an 11. Pizza Davidson. Nice. Hut. Sorry, I got to keep these in a famous pizza theme. 11.

Little Cesar Romero's. Nope, that's a miss. I feel like I was distracted by what was going on. You were. I feel like I should get to all of you. No. There's no skill in dice rolling. What are you talking about?

Diana Ross, the Pimp, Pizza Supremes. Deep sigh. Deep dish sigh. Jerry Lee Lewis has a whole lot of shakies going on. Holy shit. Wow. I'm just mad I wasted a spell and all I had to do was touch the guy.

Yeah, so it's just he's live and he's able to dodge out of the way. He's got big gangly arms and he's towering over you. I feel genuine rage and me, Sarah. I actually feel very angry right now. I just want you to know. So let's see what happens next time.

Okay, let's go. Whoa. Do you get a plus to hit? Did you forget any plus? Okay, I got a plus and I do. You fucking blew it. Creep, you're up. I'm going to chop this bugbear.

I'm going to rage. I guess. Good. Gosh. Oh'm going to rage. Now I'm mad at you. I guess. Personally. Good. Gosh. Oh, that's great. So that was an eight. That's a miss.

Yeah. Crustle Crow. I get to go again, though. You hear, huh? If I'm raging. Yeah, you're raging. You go again. Cuckoo Bird.

That's a 17. That's it. Oh, good. Let's roll to Damage Get him Oh my god Bonk Four

Alright Something It's something Alright You hear crashing noises From the back room Uh oh Oh no

Coming up from behind us What the hell is that No You hear crashing noises from the back room. Oh, no. Coming up from behind us. What the hell is that? Oh, my God. Now banging his face against the doorway. Beefy James? What's his name? Dave. His name was Beefy, and then Brian said Dave like microseconds after I said Beefy.

It's Beefy Dave. It became Beefy Dave. Boy, there is nothing good about that beef. It's beefy Dave, the founder of Wendy's. Now, is this some sort of OTIG thing? Yes, it is. That is the OTIG.

Okay. Or OTIG. I really don't know. I didn't look up like a YouTube video of D&D phonetics. I think they tell you on D&D Beyond. Everybody, D&D Beyond. Go check it out. Dr. Uy, you're up. These guys are in front of me, right?

Is this door open now with the OTIG? Oh, yeah. It was already kind of open with stink coming out of it. And so now you're just sort of... Well, this thing is just coming in the door behind me. So I'm going to hit it with a moonbeam. Oh, boy. You sure can.

Why don't you tell us a little bit about moonbeam off your spell card there, Blaine? It's the governor. Moonbeam was this street performer that used to hang out on the quad. What? One day he was gone, and everybody felt bad, even though no one ever treated him with any respect. I think there was a lesson learned there anyway. Anyway, move me.

On who? The bugbear? Yeah, the odiog. The odiog. Oh, okay. Yeah, because I saw it coming behind us, so I'm just going to go. Before I do the...

I'll just spell it. Okay. Okay. What was that to hit? What's happening? Oh, sorry. I got it rolled. Oh, bl. I got a roll. Oh, blame.

That was all wind up to a dice roll. That was a 14. All right. And I was just trying to make sure that I didn't have some sort of embolism. Right. He has to do a check during his spells. A 14 is a hit. Yeah.

A lot of damage. Do you have your card? Oh, yeah, I do. 14 is a hit. Yeah. Play damage. Do you have your card? Oh, yeah, I do. Oh, my God. These cards, Blaine. These cards. Thanks to Dungeons & Dragons for our Dungeons cards.

Thank you. Greg Tito. Thank you. To the 10. Radiant damage. That's a 15. Nice. Alright, so you smash into his face with this moonbeam and he

kind of flies back a little bit. He's no longer in view he's you just see like rubble in the doorway as you knock parts of it away uh yeah and ghostly ghostly flames uh no no no he's going to get terry now all right cool okay anyway that's it so i so i slammed him, right? Then I'm going to get out of the way. All right. You get out of the way, and Darg throws up. Are you going to move your guy at all, actually? Are you going to back against the wall?

What did you say? Get out of the way? That is like a smashed-in pile of wood right behind TikTok. Oh, this is a smashed pile of wood and right behind tick tock oh uh yeah this is a smashed pile of what happened to dave he retreated after he got hit in the face of the moon uh i'm gonna try i just want to kind of get away from the i want to yeah yeah i didn't know he was out of the room though all right so dark sir um what's your passive perception uh where would i bottom left the first number on the bottom left oh uh 13 all right yeah you you hear what sounds like uh a lot of voices behind you outside behind me okay yeah um sounds like a crowd all right well i'm gonna it's a good crowd guys i'm gonna first it very to first, to the three guys looking at me,

I'm going to pull my lute from behind my back, and I'm going to stand on one leg and hit a power cord. On the lute? Yes. And? And then I yell, darkness. And I cast darkness on them. One.

You guys all see the whole doorway just go. Wait, he's a bard? No, but I have that. Oh, cool. Yeah. No, but I have a lute. You can use the lute to summon the darkness if you want. And a will to rock.

Yeah. Wow. Oh, I love this. So where is the darkness? I just cast it right on their faces. Yeah, here. It was inside of us. Remind us how big the darkness is.

It's 15 feet. So like a torso level. Okay. I'm going to just like in front of them. Have you draw. Let's go. Yes. This is going to be.

Is there a melody at all to that? No, just a simple chord, power chord. All right. Are you going to do anything with your bonus action? Go outside. So they can't see you. No. You run outside.

Greatest magic show in the world. You see there's like about 50 people. They all look like townspeople gathered on the front lawn. Hey, we've killed Thagas. His men are trying to fight my friends. If anybody wants to help my friends, that would be awesome. Do a performance check.

Use the loot. Oh, my friends need help. And after his speech he goes no I botched it what's your performance bonus I mean so I got a four on that I thought it didn't matter when you rolled a one huh? I thought it didn't matter when you rolled a one I just was kind of curious I mean if he has any bonus to it it means he's got

like if he's got plus three it's like oh he's got like a natural kind of ability to buffer the one a little bit I mean it's still terrible that crit fail thing was for combat and ability roles but sometimes I will borrow it if it's like a situation and you know in this situation everyone's just confused

like you just you tell you tell him Thagas is dead and they all kind of turn to each other they go Thagas is dead Thagas is dead there's a guy in the back of the crowd who recognizes dark there's like do darkness tick tocks up um oh take yourself off the you're you're out here now right so i'm out here um i I will switch to my axe, and because Froggy there went a-courting on Kovner. He did, right?

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. So I will switch to my axe, and are we, like, flanking him now? So can I get advantage on swinging my axe at Froggy? No, you're not flanking him. Oh, never mind then. I'll just attack with my axe regularly. Also, you don't know that he's an ally.

Well, I hope so. I'm going to swing my axe at that fucking frog. Please swing your axe at that fucking frog. That's a 20, Dan. A natural? All right, roll your damage. That's eight slashing damage. Nice.

Hell of a baby, hell of a... Ow! He squeals in a very high-pitched manner as you hack into him. Uh, that's eight slashing damage. Nice. Hell my baby, hell my, ow! He squeals in a very high-pitched manner as you hack into him. Yeah, when he does it, I say, you leave our dwarf friend alone! Do an intimidation check. Shh, I am so bad at these. Uh, that's a seven. I mean, he's just squealing.

He can't hear you. That's gonna take us to some bad guys. Dargo runs outside. I'm sorry. That's the name of this demon. His name is what? Dargo. Donnie Dargo?

Sure. So he goes outside and he is followed by these two tieflings. Oh, my God. Dark Thread just removed half of the problem. And they see the crowd. And they start panicking. They're going to attack you, but they're like, what? It's like they've never seen people on the lawn before.

So you're far enough away that they took long enough to find their way through the darkness it took half their movement speed so they can't catch up to you and they're kind of they're kind of freaked out bugbear is going to go for halcine and miss roll the three and the other one's going to roll against queep and he gets an eighteen. What's your AC? Fourteen queep. You get hit for

ten points of slashing damage as he lays into queep and what does queep say when he gets hit with this axe? Ow everybody kind of looks around when Kweep says ow. Oh, okay. He has a larynx with a lot

of different things that can come out of it. You never know. When a bird speaks perfect English, it's like, it's eerie. It's eerie. The frog tries to run away. Tick tock. I'm going to give you an attack of opportunity as he

runs for the darkened door. talk. I'm going to give you an attack of opportunity as he... I will take it. Runs for the darkened door. So I'm going to slash again with my axe. Oh, it's another 20. That's a hit. That is 11 points. Oh, I'm sorry. Wrong. 9 points of slashing

damage. You managed to just hack the back of his neck wide open and he collapses on his face. Nice. So you can flop it. He's toast. That's damaging. Night night, froggy. That is going to take

us to... Can I turn and lock eyes with Kovner? I mean, just... Yeah, you can look at him. Yeah, just turn and look at him. He goes... Mm-hmm. That's right.

That's right. He doesn't do anything. Queep, you're up. I'm sorry, Halcine is up. Halcine is up. Excuse me. Okay, I'm going to... anything uh queep you're up i'm sorry halcine is up halcine is up um excuse me okay i'm going to

um uh i'm gonna cast thaumaturgy i'm gonna alter the appearance of

my eyes to look like a storm is gathering in them holy shit and i'm gonna and i'm gonna

tell the bug we're gonna be like thogus is dead flee this town at once and then i'm gonna and i'm gonna tell the bug we're gonna be like thogus is dead flee this town at once and then i'm like raise up oh my intimidation with advantage okay well hopefully the next one is better than that one sarah first show is always kind of like a warm-up show. 13. Second show, they're drunk. He looks a little freaked out.

He's like, what is about to happen to me? But yeah, he doesn't flee. Not yet, but that's all I could do. All right, that'll bring us to... Can I support her? Does he not notice what's happening around him? She already rolled with advantage. I was counting on the fact that

he was noticing like what was going on around him um let me check his passive perception uh yeah you know what

so oh I actually looked at the wrong charisma uh for what you were rolling so he

you rolled a 13 uh he looks around and he also tries to make a break for the door looked at the wrong charisma for what you were rolling. So you rolled a 13. He looks around and he also tries to make a break for the door. Nice. So you get an attack of opportunity on him also as he tries. Oh, cool. Yeah. So I can just swing him? Yep. It turns out bugbears have shit

charisma. For those of you listening at home, they have a nine charisma. So he's 11. I don't want that they're real ugly uh so it hits him but doesn't kill him oh dark that was Brian oh oh Brian

gets about that far um he yeah he he as he's running you hear him uh go retreat retreat uh they don't like how their friends disappeared in the darkness. He's a little too dumb to figure out what's going on. That is going to take us to finally Queep.

I will chop. Queep chop. Ooh, 20. All right. Roll your damage. Yeah, baby. Oh, it sure was. Oh, 12. natural yeah oh it sure was oh 12

10 points of that's your first oh oh wait you roll the 10 i rolled i rolled 20 so it's double damage yeah yeah yeah so what's your total with your bonus 20 total fuck all right roll your second attack you hack deep into his collarbone with your axe yes but yeah that's over a 20 that's a hit that's a hit that's a much lighter four but it's all you needed as his head becomes removed from his shoulders and you see the bug bear just kind of fall into a pile of blood and viscera quip executed him quite handily things turned real fast darkness sure did some stuff. Hey,

what you going to do there? Dr. So there's everybody's over here. Uh-huh. He's running out. He's running out. These guys are bad guys are good guys. That's how seen that's that's Kovner. That's the dwarf. We've been he's running out. He's running out. These guys are bad guys or good guys? That's Halcine. Good, bad. That's Kovner.

That's the dwarf we've been to. He's your hostage. We don't know. So we're not going to kill him. No, but he's got no weapon. I mean, his figurine has a hammer, but he's unarmed. I'm going to go over here and make sure Beefy Dave isn't coming back in here. He's calling his mom.

Can you slam that door? Go over there and do a perception check. It's very adorable i'm moving my finger so it looks like he's peeking through the door uh like a little rascal style uh beefy dave's on the other side of the door beefy dave uh oh i open the door there's a train coming at me then I slam it I open again and there's a lion 14 so 18 you just see I mean he's not attacking you but he is right there like you just see kind of coming through the dusty fog this thing kind of lurching like it's coming back yeah his face is the only thing that will fit through the door though his shoulders are much broader than the door

for now. Does the does the moon beam thing continue to hurt him for a little while? Why don't you tell me why don't you look at that spell card you got right there? The do it starts to burn is engulfed in ghostly flames and cause hearing pain as long as it

starts. Okay. Yeah, I think it just leaves. Okay. Alright. I thought it would just kind of... Some fun flavor text there, but it does not cause damage over time or DOT, as they say. Alright. Okay, yeah, I'm just waiting

for this thing to come back in. I'm going to activate my flame blade just to get it going. Sounds good. Dark three are up. I'm going to activate my flame blade just to get it going. Sounds good. Darg, three are up. I'm standing amongst the crowd, right? Uh-huh. Those guys are still on the steps. They're still about 20 feet away from you,

but you're much closer to the crowd than you are to those three guys. I duck behind somebody and I disguise myself. I'm now two feet shorter and I'm a little bit fatter and I'm wearing a hat. Do a stealth check. I knew Sam would love that.

I was really trying to see a Sam. This game is awesome. Because whenever I do something he didn't know or anybody does something he didn't know they could do. What am I doing? Stealth. Yeah, I saw dark third goes to Ralph's do. What am I doing? Stealth. Yeah. That's how dark third goes to Ralph's. Done.

What is it? 24. All right. So all of a sudden, just a fat little halfling. They're completely. They're like all three of them are like. Yeah, I'm going to walk towards them, but like still kind of being cool about it. Okay.

And that's your turn tick tock you're up what the heck well I am not entirely certain what to do here I don't think I would help outside I think the sight of a me in front of that crowd might be terrifying I will turn and sir

I'm gonna move towards here. Uh-huh. As I pass Kovner, I say, come and help us clean up the monster. And I will shoot my arrow at the Otyug in the doorway. Go for it. 15. That is a hit. Roll your damage. 15. That is a hit.

Roll your damage. That is nine piercing damage. Slams into his face and he disappears again. Retreats. Doctor, does the door close? There's no door on the frame. It's smashed in. It's broken.

The plaster is crumbling around it. I feel like, what's his face? The short, fake halfling over here. Wouldn't he remember that this is like he knows people in this town, and so he might try to like, right? He's the only one. Oh, I forgot that. I feel like he has his character.

These are your people. Yeah. Y'all something like, we should help. right he's the oh i forgot that you know i feel like he had these are your people she's yeah y'all something like we should i'll let you reckon that you say something when you turn into a fat little halfling what do you want to say um who do i know what do i recognize anybody yeah you look around you actually see vux the bartender from the swollen port is here right uh you see you see a half-orc woman that you recognize from the bar there is here. Right. You see a half-orc woman that you recognize from the bar. There's like a couple of sailors here.

You guys, we're free. Help me with these dudes. Do a persuasion check. All right. Okay, that one. Ah, 21. you see vux reach back and pull an axe out uh and start advancing

on these three okay um and that takes us back around to uh tick tock hand with an arrow so we are at these guys they are going to try to hack at the crowd no oh that's not gonna go well for them why just because because they think i'm in there somewhere

yeah the fat halfling yeah he laughs as the innocent they'll probably jump in now. Well, they have to. So all three of them lay their weapons into bystanders and people start screaming, but some people from the back start charging. They've got improvised weapons. Most of them are just like pitchforks and broom handles, but there's a couple of people with axes and daggers, but they've killed a few people. All three of them connected with unarmed civilians.

Jesus, not what I was going for. I'm the new plane. No, I mean, they're not chilling. Welcome to my world. Once you get out of a rest home, and this blood does set a fire in the laundry room. All right. Brother. Okay, Halcine, you're up.

Can I get out the door in one turn? No, you can make it to the darkness in the door. But I can hear stuff going on outside? Yeah, you can definitely hear the crowd. At this point, there's shrieking and howling outside. Great. So I'm going to run, I guess. on. Yeah, you can definitely hear the crowd. At this point, there's like shrieking and howling outside. Great. I'm gonna run a guest. Okay. Yeah. Dagther, one day they will applaud

for you. Not today. Well, first of all, the guy who was called, like it looked like the townspeople decided for themselves to come after these guys and these guys just connected with it. They were, for what it's worth, they were adult men. Right. They look like just either shopkeepers or civilians but they were you know oh so while do i pass this guy or is he still he's out the door by now right uh you did pass

that guy so he if you go for the door is going to take an attack of opportunity on you as you run by why are you so slow he misses okay is he though? Because I look at him with my storm eyes again as I pass, warningly. So he missed. I know. I'm just letting you know. Yeah, he's definitely still going to, yeah. No. You can do an intimidation check if you want.

Well, it's fine. He missed, so we'll just move on. Okay, so you make it to the doorway. He swung at you? Yeah. Speaking of which, it is now Creep's turn. I'm going to fire crossbow at that dude that swung at her. Okay. He has his back to you, so you get Cleep's turn. I'm going to fire a crossbow at that dude that swung at her. Okay.

He has his back to you, so you get to roll with advantage. Four. Wow. So, eight. It's an eight. Yeah, that's a miss. So, it goes against the wall there. Beefy Dave.

Suddenly, Dr. Uid, you see a tentacle reach out at you, and it slaps against you. Like a high five? No.

You take six points of slashing damage as one of these tentacles reaches out, and this time it didn't stay back for long. After the crossbow bolt hit it, it just charged at the doorway and slashed at you. I'm going to look at the camera and say, I think I've learned a little lesson about proximity. And you're up.

Oh, me? Well, if this thing is slashing at me, I'm going to just attack it with a flame blade. Okay. And my flame blade does 9,000 points of damage, automatic hit, and we all win. Yay! It says right here on the card under the whiteout.

No more Dungeons and Dragons. These spell cards are great. 18. That's it. Nice. And it does 3d6. Really?

Nice. So no complaints 5, 9 points so it howls in pain but doesn't die you feel like this thing's hide is incredibly thick that was not the most damage I've ever done Darkthor you're up

okay well I'm thick. Okay. That was not the most damage I've ever done. Dark, three rep. Okay. Well, I'm going to make my way behind these guys and use my advantage and hack and slash at the demon guy. Okay. Why don't they just make the whole planet out of black box? As you do this, you realize you have

advantage because he is mid-combat with Vux. Oh, okay. Ah, shit. Well, he was the one I had the most against. All three of these guys are distracted and they're fighting townspeople who have weapons. I'm definitely going to go after him first.

He's the one I hate the most. Not even close. That's... Is this a... Oh, yeah. Do you roll twice? Nine. Oh, yeah. No, I will. Worse. I'll take the nine.

All right. Well, he's twisting and flexing too much. No, he's... and flexing too much. No. He's. But do I get two on my long sword too? Yeah. Okay. That one's a 17. Nope.

Still misses him. Oh, really? But do you get advantage with that one too? Yeah, I do. Oh. There you go. 24. That's a hit. Player damage. Natural 20. Cool. Or is that one too? Yeah, I do. Oh, there you go. 24. That's a hit. Natural 20.

Yeah. Alright, we'll roll it and that's a crit, man. Nice. Celebrate. Get excited about your crit. Take your shirt off. Let's all take our shirts off. Let's all take each other's shirts off. Does crit always mean that... You double your non-bonus damage.

So roll your damage dice. That doesn't mean that he's dying. Not necessarily because he has... It just means more damage. Yeah, double damage. Yeah, right. All right. I thought you were eating dice.

Oh, nice. Which one do I double? The full number? Double the dice. Okay, so it's 12 plus... If we get 1,500 Patreon supporters, we will hire people to make background music for moments like this.

Ooh. Yeah, 16. It's tearing you apart every, every day. Not exactly what I mean. We're not going to hire Journey. Oh, could we hire

Journey, though, just for one episode? I'd be totally into it. Stick him right in the

spine. I'm from the Bay Area. They're our Springsteen. They're great. I love Journey. Hey,

do you know who I'm? You know, I saw a Journey cover band at Palladino's. There was a

bunch of Amish guys. Churney. As you stick the long sword into this demon's spine uh-huh you see you see him arch his back and throw his arms up in pain good uh as you do that vux brings his axe down across this thing and it goes down nice the other towns people quickly overwhelmed the two tieflings. I become myself again.

Some of them. I become myself again and high five Vux. Yeah, Vux totally gives you. Good work. Weird how you turned into a fat halfling, though. Pretty cool, huh? Yeah, I suppose cool is a word I might use. It's pretty funny, really.

I don't know what the fuck. I thought you'd dig it. Yeah, I dug it. I dug it. I feel like you needed to pull. I thought you'd dig it. Yeah, I dug it. I feel like you needed to pull out your guitar and go, Halfling! You gotta do it like that. Also, as this guy runs the darkness house,

and you're trying to leave, right? As you get outside, you see all this. This guy follows you, and he just drops his weapon. He's terrified, and he surrenders. They're still beefy in the back room. What about these two assholes? Wait, is it my turn again? These guys have been... Combat ends except for Beefy.

Oh, but I have something I wanted to do outside. Well, these guys are being disarmed. You can still do something to them if you want to. No, I wanted to see if any of the people that they struck down were at zero hit points but still alive. Yeah, run to the... Yeah, this guy did just get... that they struck down were at zero hit points but still alive? Yeah. This guy did just get

like... 12 seconds will have passed between now and the demon going down. Not the demon. The civilians. Yeah. There's... I have a new cantrip I wanted to... There's them that have that look like they're at zero hit points,

so to speak. They need a drunken Halcyon rallying speech. Well, I'm going to first try it. Can I get to one of them? Okay. So I can get to all of them. I mean, outside looks like it's actually under control all of a sudden. It's only, it's so I have a cantrip that I was going to use.

So I can't spare the dying. Okay. You touch a living creature that has zero hit points and they become stable okay so i would like to touch on all five of them well i think i can only can i just it's a cantrip right what's the casting time on it um one action okay so it's instantaneous then right yeah i guess i could use you can get to all five of them you can spare the dying on all five of these events. Oh, okay. Then I do that. That's fucking awesome. Clerics are great.

Bet you wish you had one of these in all your other campaigns. So yeah, you managed to sort that and that guy throws down his arms. There's just beefy to contend with. But is that a five thing or has that always been? Spare the dying

might be a fifth edition. Because it's the new thing with the death saves so like this basically gets them to where they are stable which is what you're trying yeah and a doctor comes up and it's like binding wounds starts giving them uh giving them leaves of medicine so uh things seem under control and yeah the townspeople say that they they actually say like well maybe we should uh just sort of leave Beefy Dave and just sort of hack him to death with improvised weapons. Do you guys have an idea about who might be the mayor? Are you going to have an election?

They're like, we have no idea. Like, who are you asking, anyone? They're all stunned. We haven't had an election ever. There was a mayor who basically inherited his position a decade ago. I think it's time to open up the doors of democracy in Bozor. Well, I suppose we'll have to, yeah. When did it get Canadian in here?

Drop the balloons. I guess we can be socialists if you insist that didn't know is that particular kind of simulator but all right we'll just go into I don't know if someone said Canada and I got taken away anyway yeah keeps Gerald it's mostly supposed to be Scottishottish but i don't that's what i thought it was earlier yeah did it get irish i don't know it got canadian it just got really nice this is what happens when when dan runs out of his diet coke he just gets real tired yeah so uh you become from ottawa the yeah they're they're thrilled and the fact that you kept anyone from dying definitely gets you in their good graces so he's dead they're so low key over there they're thrilled and the fact that you kept anyone from dying

definitely gets you in their good graces so he's dead they're all thanking you uh yeah i mean they about a dozen guys go in there with stuff like pitchforks and torches and they just start like have we looted death death of a thousand cuts have we looted everything we can live slowly killing beefy we should loot everything we can loot out of there before the people get to it they're all starting to flood the city hall and like take care of you you can you can tell me exactly where you want to go and we'll i'll tell you if there's anyone there but i can't just say yes here comes more looting what should we we in theory we already got his bedroom we got his bedroom stash okay there may be other rooms there but yeah we didn't do that so i feel like people are starting to take over.

Now at the laundry room. Fat Dave's room? They're going to kill him. I think... I sort of feel like... Isn't that trash? Fat sows and get a couple of tuna wraps. You see people...

Beefy sows. You see some wooden cuffs come out, and they sort of put a big lock on the arms of... What's that? A covner? They get coovner all locked up. Be gentle with him. One of the bugbears, you find out his name is Torpy.

He gets shackles put on him. But the tieflings get ripped to shreds. I mean, the two tieflings and the demon are completely annihilated by the crowd for what they did to the civilians. Good. As well they should be. There's very little left except for just, like,

one kind of cheap-looking iron longsword stuck in the ground from where one of the tieflings fell. So now this is the free city of Bozor. I can't help but think we're somehow responsible for the deaths. It totally was. Nobody died. Yeah, nobody died. Yeah, it turns out there for the deaths. I totally was. Nobody died. Yeah, nobody died. Yeah, it turns out there were no deaths.

What a shame. Because I had that feeling that we were responsible for their deaths. Can somebody heal me? I'm down 11. Can you give him some good berries? I'd love some good berries. Can I have some good berry crunch? How would you like six of them?

Vux I'll take it Perhaps we can sit down with Vux And come up with a plan I suggest Vux Yeah, figure out a leader, all that stuff I suggest Vux as the best candidate from this world To help us figure out our place in it

Yeah, you know what we need to do though? We need to go talk to Houshinka. Oh, yes. Remember Houshinka? I mean, Vux tells you, I mean, drinks are on him back at the swollen port later. He also, he's not the most authoritative seeming guy. He's just like

a fisherman's wharf bartender, and he's nice, but yeah, there's all sorts of people coming up to you and asking you questions about whether you intend to take over the town and all sorts of stuff. Yeah, let's not let the bartender and he's okay he's nice but yeah there's all sorts of people coming up to you and asking you questions about whether you intend to take over the town and all sorts of stuff yeah let's not like the bartender um i ask um dark there who when you when you were here like who is a high up who was like somebody that you feel like could step in to sort of help run a an election where's my dad he's not in here in this town. Your dad died, according to your backstory.

Oh, he did? Yeah, okay. But that's who I grew up with. That's a rough way to find out. No, no, he's right. It's my mom that's still... Your mom executed your dad. My mom's the mystery. My mom's the mystery.

Moms are a mystery. A mystery of love's the mystery you don't know where she is yes uh moms are a mystery a mystery of love who you write back who would you would go to for authority like who would i you know would you who would you pick out and be like i think is like the wisest or the right the fairest or the uh there was a woman most beautiful like the fairest of them all there's a woman who run who ran a respectable there's a woman who ran a respectable inn not far from City Hall who used to take you in. She might still be around. You haven't seen her. You don't see her in this crowd.

I ask about her. What's her name? Her name is Beatrice Huzzlegum. Of course. Huzzlegum! She runs an inn called... Is everybody here named in the 1880s yeah she runs an in called the kristinette about a block from here okay the what the kristinette i thought you said something else

i asked ron weasley if he could if he knows where she is uh ron weasley well did i name somebody similar to ron weasley and i forgot who you're talking about your name sounded like a Harry Potter name. Oh, Beatrice Huzzlegum. This is a wig. This is what happens when you guys wander into a town.

Hasn't happened in a couple of campaigns. Peppermint Wonderwinds. I asked my red-haired friend. I asked anybody. What is it, Doctor? What was the last time you saw Beatrice Huzzlegum? I ask anybody I ask anybody What is it, Dagtha? What was the last time you saw Beatrice Huzzlegum? Oh my god I believe she's still in the Kristen hat, sir

You got any chocolate frogs? I wish Cool Hey there, boy You know the Christmas goose in the window I'm Ron Sleazley Ron Sleazley. Ron Sleazley?

Yes. Hello. Take this copper. You'll buy the goose as big as you. It tastes like old man. I don't like where this went. Bye. Ron Sleazley.

Yeah, so there's an inn nearby. Weren't we going to, but wasn't there a thing that we went out to see Houshinka and then we came back in because they, you know. Oh, right. Okay. I don't know. They were looking. We're not responsible for making sure the town then comes under fair and just rule. But you were, I was helping you.

Yeah. I'm just saying like now I feel like now we led, I was just trying to help them. The temple might also be a good place to find a temporary leader. Like if a temple is a temple. Isn't that person? That's where Kal Shink is. Okay, wait. I clapped my hands together.

Are there still gathered people out here? Yes. Okay. Very much so. I clapped my hands together and I'm like, people of Bozor. Well, here we go. It's her, the drunk lady from the swollen pot. Yeah, and the lady.

They all started plotting. Oh, okay. It was a good thing. I was going to say, I also just saved five people. She was wonderfully drunk. You're hilarious. So I'm like, does anyone have any nominations? And if I hear, can you just call out the names of who do you think is in a good position

to start help, to help to lead this town back to prosperity? They all kind of look at each other and a couple of people volunteer themselves and then they start arguing names call us other people you're not allowed to call it your own name it gets silent again and uh bozor someone says uh this guy crepus is pretty nice crepus he's the town doctor someone else chime in with an okay yeah everyone kind of nods town doctor is nice okay crepus come on up here crepus comes up yeah what's up um i cast zone of truth on crepus okay uh and i'm like yes do you have it in you to guide this town back to prosperity uh through the will of the people to elect a new leader uh leader or a group of leaders.

I don't know how to facilitate an election, but I can try. Do you feel that you have the best interests of this town at heart? Yes. He says in his zone of truth, right? Yeah. Well, that's good. Do you have any skeletons in the closet? Not literal skeletons, but are there any secrets that we should know about?

Were you in a frat i had sex with a woman once consensually and uh it it i was really bad at it oh boy um i apologize she said it was okay and that was our first and last date oh okay well you know what thank you for your honesty i wish you well in your future romantic and political endeavors. I don't know why I was so honest. It's really upsetting. Is it in front of the crowd? Yeah.

I liked it better when she was drunk. Do it to everybody else. When we come back, diarrhea stories. And then now, okay. A couple of people did over here and they're like, oh boy. All right. Well, but he's cleared to like

not be like a secret demon or whatever sure right hopefully sure yeah

right yeah okay all right I feel good about leaving now that was all

so we could leave yeah leave the town in chaos yeah no we just humiliated this man in front of the town.

Anarchy. No, he only told me about his weird sex date. I told everybody. Oh, boy, folks, you won't believe it. The bad sex man should lead us. So, where to? The temple, Hoshinka. Okay.

You head to the north end of town, and you get to the temple of Leroux. Again, this is a very large building that looks like it was some sort of ancient tree. The ancient tree looks like it took some damage and at one point, most of it was chopped down or destroyed and it is held together by a pink crystalline structure. There is a large double door in the front.

Do the pink crystals at all resemble the blue crystals? No. Okay. There's just lots of crystals. Let's go inside. It's a snowy continent right now. Crystals are a bunch. So you knock? Well, it's a temple, right? It's just open. Sure, we can

knock. Is that normal for a temple? You wouldn't know. What do you want to do, TikTok? I walk inside. Okay, so you see to do tiktok you're walk inside okay so you see tiktok reach for the door and just walk right in uh tiktok when you go inside you are immediately hit with just seems like wafts of fresh air of floral scents everywhere you look there are small animals jumping around there are squirrels chipmunks sugar gliders butterflies i love it here you see and chris looks so happy you see an orange uh pseudo dragon

flies up to you and perches on your shoulder and says may i help you oh my goodness my friend yes you may okay i am so happy i I am TikTok, the mechanical man. What is your name? I do not have a name. I am a servant of the mistress. Oh, well, then for the time being, can I call you Gus? Okay. All right, Gus.

So listen, me and my friends have another friend in here already. I believe her name is Hoshinka. She's like three quarters of a drow. Yes, Sister Briarlock is taking care of her. Well, your friend doesn't have a weird name. Sister Briarlock. Yes. Everybody outside is named like

Titpunker or something like that. Wow, there's quite a large population in Bozor. Perhaps the dungeon master had a hard time naming several hundred people. I am no narrator. I am not judging anything. Cool. Well, I'm Gus now. Thanks.

All right. Well, then you look around and there's a lot of rooms. There's like a big meeting room where there only seems to be small animals. You don't see any humanoids. And all of a sudden we all have really bad acne. No, but there's like a waiting. There's a chair. There's a big table with a with like a blanket. What the fuck is it called?

Table? Tablecloth. A table blanket. You know that thing they put on you at the dentist when you get x-rays. Table blanket. Table blanket bedcloth. You guys know like a table blanket. Oh yes, the Ikea bandage. But it's draped.

Honey, the table's freezing. Very flowing, kind of, it's a silken tablecloth. Perhaps my friends and I could request an audience with Sister, did you say Briarwood? Briarlock. Briarlock. Perhaps we could speak with Sister Briarlock. It flaps away. It heads up an open door that goes into a stairwell.

Coming down the stairs, you see what looks like a mage. She is in rainbow colored ropes. She is a half elf. Do you? And she looks at all of you and says, greetings, welcome to the temple of LaRue. How may I be of assistance?

I am sister Briarlock. Do I know who she is or no? No, but hey, Dr. Uwud. Yes. Why don't you do a wisdom check?

Blaine's the one they call Dr. Uwud. He makes you feel so nice. He's your Frankenstein. Four. 14. You recognize her. From school? Her name is Candice Briarlock.

And she was a professor at Half Elf University. Oh, boy. She knows you. Wait, that's the name of the university? Half Elf University. The old one-two. She's wearing rainbow-colored robes now, but she used to wear more academic clothing.

She knows your true name. H-U. Yes. She hasn't recognized you yet. You think you're perhaps covered in too much moss and my hands over my face. Wait, she knows his true name? Yes. But we didn't know there was a true name.

So she says, how can I have any assistance? So many secrets. We're looking for our friend Hashinka. Oh, yes. The drow woman who was brought in by Dunkle. The dumb man. I have restored her mind. She is waiting

upstairs. It was very difficult. We had to use our entire store of diamonds in order to bring her memory back we unfortunately did not have the supplies to bring back her leg so she is still missing the what would it take to restore her leg we do not have the magic nor the knowledge how many diamonds did you have to use 100 well 100 gold pieces where there's diamond dust. I give her three diamonds. Her eyes widen and she says, thank you.

Thank you. Will you be taking her to Thagas? Oh, about that. Guess what? He's not a problem anymore. We killed him. Her eyes widen again and she says,

that's wonderful. So, will there be other authorities you're handing her over to? She is, of course, evil. I assume she is to be executed.

We need to speak with her. Okay. Sister Briarlock, who is in charge of Bozor well thagus was but is there a connection to a higher like a lord or a governor someone else that thagus answers to i suppose uh he did speak of associates but only in messages delivered through strange jars filled with voices. And Thogas never sent a jar in response? Not that I know of. I mean, he would just make asides to it.

I think he tried to keep us from knowing much of his plans. All right, let's go talk. Okay. Do a deception check, Blaine. A deception check? Uh-huh. Oh, yeah. Should we go around and introduce ourselves?

Mm-mm. Oh. Twelve? You see her glance over you as she walks towards the stairs with everyone and she says, Oh, it's been a long time. But now we're coming back home.

I'm kidding. I don't say that. She continues upstairs without saying anything else but you know she's surprised to see you I'm going to take my tie I'm going to

dab the sweat off my forehead a little bit I'm going to look the camera go oh this is going to be bad you walk up some stairs there are candles on the wall that have a dim pink glow. Should we go talk to Hoshinka? Do you want to talk to the lady? There's just silk everywhere.

Everything's very pretty and cute. There are what looks like translucent cicadas fluttering around. You think you see a fairy fly past. You get to another I want to live here Small waiting area on the second floor And there is a small door And she says Your friend Hoshinka is in here

But I say friend You seem surprisingly without malice You need to speak to her But is she still in trouble? I am a little confused We found her in a fit of madness. We don't really know her. We rescued her. Okay, TikTok,

maybe I can make a zip-it motion to him. Ixnay on the atchay. What is this temple of? Who is this temple in? Larue is the goddess of nature. Did I know that?

Not necessarily, I wouldn't think. Yes. Did I know that? Did my character know that? Not necessarily. I wouldn't think. Did Darkthir know that? I think he knows this is like the weird forest fruity temple on the north end of town. This whole place is just very dandy for him. Right.

I don't think he's annoyed by it, but I think he would have no reason to go here without this. Dr. Uid likes nature. It's like the Silver Lake. She does look at him and says, you know, I do question your motives if you are associating with this man. With this man?

With this man. But Dr. Uid, he is our friend. He saved us. Is that true? Is that true? He killed Thogas. He rolled our friend. He saved us. Is that true? Is that true? He killed Thogus. He rolled two natural crits. You killed Thogus, Drew? Well, I was at home in bed when it happened,

but yes. Drew, huh? Dr. Drew. You know Dr. Drew. Oh, no. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Hey, Dr. Drew, I have this thing on my lip. Dr. Drew Uid. Oh, okay. wait a minute hey dr drew i have this thing on my lip dr drew uid are you so i'm sorry did i miss the part where there was a there was a time when he and i were side by side a long a long time i'm i've not seen him in many... Oh, were you two like... Together?

It was a long time ago. Ooh! Oh! Bumping ugly! But he had... He had a family at one point, and I was not a member of his family, so to speak. I don't know what that means. You mean he was married?

Shall I leave you with your friend Hoshinka for a moment? Sure. I still like you. She's weird. You're gonna have to fill us in, though, because now my curiosity is peaked. I'm trying to think about what to cast. She steps

aside, but she seems like she wants to stay nearby. You see Gus, the orange pseudo dragon perch on her shoulder and um gus is she cool she seems a little bit of a square oh she's very much a square but she's also cool copy um can i i mean can i like do an aside with her just briefly yeah sure you can walk up to her you the door is still closed you still haven't talked to hashinka i mean she's still just like locked up what what would be your problem with us associating with dr drew oh he he knows wild magic so do lots of people do they

don't they i don't know as players it's just not is knowledge just that's a reason not to associate with someone some bad things happened at half elf university and was he responsible for them i think you should make the best of your time here all right then do a persuasion check if you really want to know more. Okay, I lean in and roll a... Yeah. 17 plus a... 3, so a 20. He connected with some sort of nature magic

that not even LaRue knows of. Not sure what happened exactly, but people died. And you grew that mossy beard thing, eh? Last I heard, he disappeared into the woods. I haven't heard from him since. All right, thank you for that information. We've all been thrown together in quite a situation. I'm glad to hear he has saved lives.

I would say owes lives. Okay. She steps back again and says, just so you know, the other priestesses are aware you're here, and we will protect ourselves if necessary. We are no threat. Very well,

warforged. Okay, asshole. And roll to attack. So we're going to go into Hashinka's room? Yeah. The door is unlocked. Hold on, before we go in. If she is real crazy, what's our line with her?

Will we kill her? Do we go that far? Hashinka? Yeah. Oh, Hashinka. let's she's in a room she must be okay right now so let's talk to her and then make you know well i'm just saying as opposed to before when we asked we walked those guys in and then we kind of stumbled at least we could start with an idea sure i just assumed she must be contained you know she can't

be a threat right now or else they wouldn't have her. Okay, so this is just a chat. Okay. I figure. I don't know. I guess I was making assumptions. And you know what happens when you assume. You make an ass out of Yumi.

So you open the door and you see Hoshinka is sitting at the edge of a bed. She's been cleaned up. She's actually wearing decent clothes now. She's wearing a robe and a cape and um she looks very different uh the lack of just soot cake down her face is is nice she looks like she's been healed significantly there's not weird cuts and scrapes all over her she doesn't look uh spooked by you either she has this very calm turn and she looks at all of you and she says my friends thank you you saved my life i am in your debt how can i repay you well first you can tell us a little bit about yourself where are you from well my my name is Hoshinka.

I am not originally from this continent. I come from very far away. And I am an assassin who you stumbled upon me when my party was destroyed. I was basically destroyed and you picked me up and you saved me. What else would you like to know? What continent do you come from? A very far away continent. It's called Vestin.

It is off the west coast. It is on the other side of the ocean. Are we familiar with that? Yeah, you've heard, especially from sailing vessels. You've never been there. What brought you here? What was your party in search of? She sighs deeply and says, would you mind closing the door behind

you? I do not want these priestesses to hear the darkness of my past. But I will be as honest as you like. You have again saved me when I should be dead. So she didn't have an accent when she was crazy? No.

She was super pumped. Yeah, she was very high energy, no attention span. It's like how the Beatles don't have accents when they're singing. And so you shut the door and she says, I am a member of an order of assassins called the Violet Fang. We take out dangerous targets. I was on my way to destroy a drow who was a danger to many people.

I came here from Vestin in order to escape this persecution of the drow. The drow were nearly wiped out in Vestin by elves, and I tried to make my own way, and I fell in with the Violet Fang. The Violet Fang is led by a woman I only know as the Violet Fang.

I have never met her personally. But she sent a group of us to assassinate one drow in particular. Who? So. Who was your target? A woman named Dratlana. Dratlana. Who? Who was your target? A woman named Dratlana. Dratlana.

She is some sort of pirate. Well, every name he says sounds kind of familiar. A pirate? A pirate, yes. Do you know that name, Darkthir? Dratlana, do I? Yeah, it's her mom. Oh, shit.

That makes a lot of sense so she was sent to assassinate your mom that's a weird coincidence we made it through donkey land to the rusted mountains we found a dwarven tunnel we took it west we were going to head south to the fallen elven cities.

I was to meet a contact in Bluebog named Kavindra. She is a sun elf. She was a refugee from one of the fallen elven cities. What is a sun elf? It is an elf. They have like an orange hue or a bronze hue to their skin. They're a bit pretentious.

Hi, I'm a half sun elf. Oh, excuse me. Am I familiar with this name? Kavindra? Yeah. It sounds familiar. Why don't you go ahead and do a wisdom check? 17. 17? don't you go ahead and do a wisdom check 17 uh you recognize kavindra as someone who used to work for your father oh you think she was a spy who is your father else is getting complicated

guys for now we're digging into some backstory how Halcine, who is your father? He was an elf, a nobleman elf. Sarah needs to check her backstory. Perhaps we should call it there. Oh, wait. I want to find out stuff. We'll find out stuff next time on episode 14. That was 13? Yeah.

Yes, it was. That was a fun one. Sam, what do you think just happened? That was a fun one sam what do you think it just happened that was a fun one let me tell you what happened um so we opened up making pizza jokes and nobody said red baron trump and i thought that was wasted uh blaine used a card are there normally cards in this game that's too many things um the admiral just fucking looted a darkness in here we went outside and there's 50 people queep got hit with an axe and then tick-tocked axe somebody's neck uh brian hit in the crowd like billy zane and titanic this game is awesome um the goons are hacking at the crowd and we're all taking turns fighting them we fought and halcyon's healing people i think so our battle

is over uh what are good berries brian forgot his own dad died, so that stings. We're looking for Beatrice Huzzlegum over at the inn. Halcyon asks the crowd for a leader, and Krampus responds. But the way he responds to make sure he says the sex is consensual is real weird. We go to the temple, and TikTok walks in, dick first. And it's full of animals because this game rules. We ask the animal his name and the animal doesn't have a name. Why does everybody we meet have the same smarmy goober personality?

Just say what you know. I wonder whose fault that is. Sister Briarlock seems pretty chill and knows Dr. Uid. Dandy is such a good way to describe Silver Lake. And oh shit, we just rescued somebody who's going to kill Darkthor's mom. Nice job. I didn't think you wanted to plug.

Go see live comedy, everybody. Support it. It's great for your house. That's a great idea. Yeah, that's a good one. Oh, uh, Near Mint merch, right? Yeah, go buy t-shirts and stuff. Yeah.

That's it. Thanks for listening to another episode of Nerd Poker. You can follow us at patreon.com slash nerdpoker, and you get bonus episodes from there. And you can also send us anything at P.O. Box 16069, Encino, California, 91416. Thanks for listening.