Nerd Poker - Episode 14 - Fang Gang

Episode Date: April 24, 2019

We open on our heroes interrogating Haushinka the drow, and leaving few stones unturned. And not to be undone, Sister Briarlock may have one more surprise to reveal about Dr. Uid, and we're not just talking about that "wild magic" stuff normally reserved for sorcerers. Secrets, secrets, secrets! Sadly we are without Chris Tallman and his intense energy both this episode and next (everyone went on Spring Break vacations this April and his was hardest to work around) but we promise more of him ASAP!

Hey everybody, I'm Brian Poussin, Comedian, writer, actor, nerd. I've been playing D&D with my friends for a long time. I decided to do a new podcast where we play Dungeons & Dragons in my very own dining room. With my wife, kid, and my noisy dogs. So meet my friends Sarah, Kev, Dan, Blaine, Chris. Now it's time for another episode of Brian Posehn's Nerd Poker. Season 3. Hello.

It's Posehn. Rhodes Posehn. On Brian Posehn's Nerd Poker. Episode 14, Season 3. Hope you guys enjoy. Yeah! Ba-da-ba! Ba-da-ba! Ba-da-ba!

Damn, we can't... Nice job, buddy. I can't scream into the microphone. We can't get the rights to you screaming that. Oh, really? Oh, I have bad news. This whole adventure is copyrighted material. I'm kidding. I was kidding him, Rose. Yeah, yeah. Teasing him.

Because we don't have to get permission from them. No, we don't. No, no. I can probably hum a knockoff. Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do- Maybe you could. Yeah, sue me. I don't think you can. Or maybe we can just crappy flute it and nobody will even know. Yeah. I didn't know crappy fluting was a thing. Crappy flute.

I just like that he invented that adjective. Or verb. Let's go crappy flute, everybody. All right, buddy. Thank you. That was some good crappy fluting. That word is fast. Crappy fluting. Bye, Luke.

All right, thank you. He's shutting the door. He's taking the elevator. Please shut the fuck up. Down, nigga, down, down, down, down, now, now, now, now, now. Oh, my God. Can I do my intro for the show now? Shut the fuck up.

Your dog's doing five. And now the dog. She's got a big Conan set coming up. Let her practice. Hey, everybody. That was my son and five minutes of your life. Episode 14.

My friends are here, except for one, but we'll get to that in a second. Sarah. Hello. Ken. Ciao. Dan. Hi-ya. Ciao. Dan. Hi-ya. You should have seen his reaction to ciao. I had to strain

not to like just like chortle. Blaine. Oh, also ciao. Hello. And at the end of the table. What's that shirt say? Oh, rich, rich. Anybody rich? That's Sam, you rich. That's Sam. You guys,

that's one of my favorite country acts. Big and rich, rich, rich, everybody rich. They were, I saw him in Nashville at the airport. Great,

great people appearing at that airport. If you've ever landed there, have you ever landed in air in Nashville? Who'd you see there? I saw Prince and Recently? Asia. The country?

The place? The continent? It's that kind of country music. I am incredibly confused. You saw the Supergroup Asia? Yeah, it was the Supergroup Asia. It was it was... Or a porn star. Yeah, it was the Supergroup Asia.

It was Wonder Woman, Batman, Red Tornado, and Martian Manhunter. And Gorilla Grodd. We are down Chris this week. Oh, that's right. He is off with the kids. I mentioned that he was gone. But we had to record because we were running out of banked episodes. We had banked a bunch, and it's been like a month almost since we've recorded anything,

but we could wait no longer. What did we all do? Yeah, forgive us. I visited my family. We went to our European vacation. I was in Europe. You were in Hawaii. We used Little League.

I'm thinking of the Bad News Bears. We were underground trying to find One-Eyed Willie's buried treasure. That's something different. Kathleen Turner and I were trying to find a jewel. Now this is normally when I would thank our Patreon supporters, but this is a

very special episode because we now have a series of tiers on Patreon. 96 of them. And there's some real fun ones. We've got the $2 tier for those folks who that's what they can contribute. And we want to let them know we appreciate them. There's the $5 tier, which is the classic tier with all the other stuff.

There's the 666 tier for those who can contribute $6.66 per month. I don't get it. Yeah, I wish you listened to heavy metal music and maybe you could help me out i've heard good things i've heard mixed things it's a 444 with 222 fingers up your ass that's beautiful the top tier how many people would that be the top tier however is ten dollars a month so uh those of us uh in in the stargoyle tier which is ten dollars a month go into a special drawing for a swag bag so you're

gonna get a swag bag some very special uh personal uh sacrifices from us it's gonna be like a an ounce a pound of flesh but no we're gonna give you oh that's oh it's so weird yeah we had a big biohazard bag ready to go but i guess not part of my body oh my god we also have a biohazard bag and set in case scott baio tries to get mailed to us baio has their bag is just what you call his entire wardrobe where we put all our sharps and our dolls but i want to i want to call it we drew a name and this person is going to get the swag bag and they are from our group of ten dollar a month

supporters and their name is bixie tinker tonk so thank you that's not true. Bixie Tinker Tonk. Their actual, I will pull up, I believe it is a lady. I will pull up her patron page just to prove it to you guys. Dan, you're embezzling, aren't you? This is Bixie Tinker Tonk. Bixie. Thank you, Bixie. It is a photo of her. Yes, sure is.

It's the automatic. It's Bixie Tinker Tonk. Thank you, Bixie Tinker Tonk. Thank you very much, Bixie Tinkertongue thank you very much Bixie congrats on your win Bixie Tinkertongue as soon as I saw that name come up in the spreadsheet I was like well

here we go and then we have a gift now that the PO box is working again for another week or so. I'm such a slacker. It's up. We'll have it for at least a year.

It's all paid up. We got a gift. Look at this. 20 bags. Holy shit. Of complete dice sets and a big pouch.

That's what it says on the Amazon. Sure enough, that's a big pouch. All right. But pretty much all the colors. All the colors. Of your rainbow. Of whose rainbow? Wait, you take that back.

Your rainbow, Blaine. What's the note, Brian? It says a gift for you. I noticed y'all run a little short of dice. Don't forget to check out Palladino's. They're featuring the Gago dolls. An all-fairy Goku doll cover band that just screams obscenities at the audience.

Thank you so much. They were so good. Thanks. Greg Hindman. Thanks, Greg. Greg you so much. They were so good. Thanks. Greg Hindman. Thanks, Greg. Greg, thank you. At the Pink Phantom. Thanks, Greg.

And that's a shitload of dice. I confess I want really badly to start calling dibs on one or two of those. Yeah, they're very pretty. That's what they're there for. They are all the colors. I'm going to call dibs on the... These remind me of scotch. Give me the translucent yellow ones.

Oh, those? No, right to the left of that. They are pretty cool looking. Oh, like butterscotch. Or scotch the drink. Glenlivet, thank you. Children. Yeah, I don't see that close enough. Those are scotchy, too.

Oh, those are, yeah, those are nice. Let's do the scotchy. Give him the scotchy. Hey, look at that beautiful color. Great. Yeah. It reminds me of a candy. I like the smoky gray, smoky gray blacks.

Yeah, take the pink ones. Pinkies. Pink and white. I think I know what time it is, everybody. Whoa. Oh, shit. Last time in Clottenheim, our heroes liberated the fair city of Bozor, destroyed Thagus the Beholder,

a thug keeping the town under the control of his band O'Briggins. Afterwards, you tried some, let's call it, creative mercenary liberating, where you invited various guys into the city hall and tried to buy them off. Brian is opening his dice and sounds like an old lady with candy in the movie. It's like crinkle, crinkle. Who wants

a hard candy? I'm trying not to do that. My throat is dry. I hate that so much. I may have been trying to cover the noise, but it's all gone to shit now. No, no, no, I'm sorry, please. No, it's cool. I don't want them. Sir, please continue. Thank you for calling no, no. I'm sorry. Please. No, it's cool. I don't want them. Thank you for calling me, sir. I'm not going to open

them. Fuck all y'all. So you bought off like two of them and then... No! Stop it! Stop it! Misophonia is real!

He got the Casio back and it only does crinkling plastic. Stop it. We're going to have to apologize for this episode. Wait, it's not me crinkling. I'm on fire. Remember our first whole season that we apologized? I can't remember shit while he's giving me a fucking aneurysm. Stop it.

Stop it. I can't even insult you. It's so annoying. Thanks. I jumped in my coke. It's licky again. Motherfucker. And that's an hour.

Off the rails. Thanks for tuning in, everybody. This is the least Dungeons and Dragons we've played in a long time. We needed Chris. People enjoy that every once in a while. You're great. What colors? Let's get to it.

They're nice, right? Gray with gold letters. Smoky. All right. with gold letters. Smoky. All right, so. Smoky. Smoky. You tried to buy some people off and you killed some people.

You found a town doctor and cast his own truth on him and made him confess some stuff, but you feel like you set some wheels in motion to make him a trustworthy member of Bozor who will at least, I don't know,

talk about politics with all these poor saps who've been under the thumb of just a mob boss. Right. Then you went to the north side of town to visit the Temple of Leroux and interrogate the drow woman named Hoshinka, who you saved from the pits beneath the mountains where our adventure started now you've kind of got halfway through the interrogation so i'm going to go into my normalish voice um hoshinka has told you a few things so far uh she mentioned that she is an assassin that she was going to go go make contact with a sun elf named

Kavindra in blue bog you noticed her voice is much different her personality is much different and it's because her mind had kind of been blasted to shit when you found her do you guys it has been like a month I mean wait do you want to talk real quick is there anything you forgot or has one yeah what am i yeah what had we asked you yeah what did we already gained from you i mean mostly you just asked like for some background info like she gave the most absolute like basic very specific though she was going to yeah her job was very brian's looking blankly well i don't remember not as blank as he looked in the last episode when we her job that she was undertaking was to come assassinate your mother okay yeah um i thought of something also that i want to ask her but oh

and also we found out that dr uid isud is actually named Dr. Drew and he was- Dr. Drew Uwud. Dr. Drew Uwud. And he was getting romantic with the lady that- She just knew it. You drew that conclusion. She just said she knew him very personally

before he was married. And I was like, oh, were you together? I'm remembering this is all news to me. It was a long time ago. It was like, yeah, yeah, yeah. She was very, she was a little shit, but she also told you that Dr.

It would set some events in motion that got people killed. Was this from the episode where Blaine wasn't here and we were worried about him? No, no. Oh no, I was right here. That was a while ago. But it was an episode where a lot of people had their backstories revealed

and we were all a little startled by all the backstory happening so yeah right um got mine but then it was sad when i remembered it yeah it was sad so hashinka is still sitting in this little room this sort of uh it's meant to be kind of like a how should i put this it's actually a really small room and you see that she's got a cot in here. Uh, I think you guys would have passively noticed while you were like mid interrogation. It seems like, um, sister Briarlock,

who was your escort up here may have been, uh, as well as the other sisters here. You don't know how many people are here. I'm keeping her sort of prisoner. There had been illusions that they were going to dump her with Thagas and get her executed. She did ask us what authorities we were taking her to and all that stuff. And you think it's a good evil kind of thing.

I have a couple questions for her that I thought about in between that. Well, that might be a good time to ask. And I will go into my character voice. Hoshinka, how much do you remember of the time when your mind was gone? embarrassingly enough I remember all of it you do? it struck me that you had a

sandwich do you remember this? yes I remember the sandwich because you named your sandwich Kev and you worshipped it and i just wondered if that was related perhaps to your contact or kavindra it is uh if i uh i must admit it was kavindra that my my son elf contact that i was to meet in blue bog was named kavindra and I was losing my memory and I knew I needed to remember Kavindra so I clawed it into

my arm I did not get all the way through it took me hours to remember the Kev part and before I knew it some when many adventurers passed me by most of them kicked me, robbed me, made fun of me. One of them felt pity and gave me a sandwich. And at a certain point, I could only remember how Shinka was my name. And I thought, well, all I have is this sandwich, so Kev must be this sandwich. And Kev stood with me so long that I revered this sandwich in an uncomfortable way. But I no longer believe my sandwich is a god and if uh that is a concern i understand but it is not an issue anymore so are you asking us for money what's happening oh but if there is any other questions you have i would be happy to answer

it i would only ask for very humble things in return. Yeah. Do you have any feelings about this lady coming to, to kill your mom? You want to talk about that at all? It's really too bad that Chris is, I am here to kill your mother. It sounds, would you,

would you say, would you say that in front of her? Would you let her know that it's because we can say that you as players are reminding Brian, that's his mom, but I don't think we officially said that. I definitely would not say it in front of her. you let her know that it's because we could say that you as players are reminding brian that's his mom but i don't think we officially said no i definitely would not say it in front of then i don't hear any answers but i would have like i bet tiktok really some big wink yeah yeah tiktok right now the light in his right eye is blinking like a wink like right over and over again at you sour boy i don't remember how we got the new when did we get that out of her she during the interrogation you asked what her mission was and she said to assassinate a drow pirate that has been giving uh the the

seaside right uh coast a hard time and her name is dratlana and you recognize the name yep um i want time alone with him or her i mean uh if you want time alone all you got to do is ask i'm sure these guys would be happy to uh scoot out of here oh both literally and no i would just say it i would say it in front of other people uh who who was uh who sent me on that mission or do we already ask you you you do know she is employed by some sort of drow named the Violet Fang, and that she's a part of a syndicate called the Violet Fang as well. Do other people know anything about that? Well, I think it's very interesting that, I would say to her,

just our people, I'm a half sun elf. It's surprising to me that you're working so closely with a Sun Elf, Kavindra. Well, there's not many drow left. We make what alliances we must. Like I said, I am from another continent and so is my employer. This Dratlana was a part of the few drows that come up into Claude and Haim.

And so we would like to dispense of her to gain the trust of the people. Violet Fang has more ambitions than just to be a sort of crime boss, you know. Hmm. But this Jotlana no one likes her yes she's terrible as far as I know she killed

many people yeah that's what I've heard you seem very coy about it well aware that I have no point to mock you so whatever you else may ask.

Were you here during the comet? Funny you should ask. No, I was in Vestin until very recently, the last year or so. I confess I was also underground in that tunnel for close to a year. Tunnel, huh huh so when the comet hit here did it affect veston i can only imagine i have not been uh back i the the comet actually created uh let's say an opening for me to leave veston wait so when did the comet hit i forget this is 10 years ago yeah 10 years ago oh okay but i'm asking her if she would have been

in veston i was in veston and we we heard that there was political upheaval and to someone such as myself a member of a traditionally persecuted race it's a great time to get out of dodge so to speak can i ask the dm another question which is am i making fun of her accent when i say veston is it actually like weston and she's saying it like veston and so when i it's west okay all right so but i would know that because it's a continent right yeah all right yeah yeah what kind of room are we in where where are we small room it's it seems like it wasn't originally meant to be like interrogation kind of room well that's what it is it's become one sort of and it seems like this room is too small for someone normally to stay in it but they've kind of uh adapted it for this person

they don't like what's your plan here if if you if they let you go free if we just say you know be on your way are you going to continue with your mission as soon as they heal me they make it clear they expect me to be either executed or locked up. They do not like me. Yes. Don't you mean vexecuted? I mean, there is no W in front of execute, so no. You guys calling me on my bullshit. I don't like it.

I mean. Where were you supposed to meet Kavindra? In Bulbog. Which is a small seaside town southeast of here. And where were you supposed to find this objective that this person here is supposed to assassinate? Well, I think along the Trident Coast. On the waters south of Bulbog.

So your plan was to follow a river down as you go out to the sea. Kavindra's your contact to help you make this happen? Yes. So you're going to meet with her first and then... Yes, and like I said, it was almost a year ago. I do not know if that's where Kavindra still is. I would hope so, but she might not be waiting for me anymore. I'm presumed dead by most, I should think.

I've heard about the Trident Coast from my dentist and a few friends of his. They think it's okay. What would TikTok... Would he have any... So! You seem like you could use a favor. Are we supposed to let them kill you? What do you all think?

I think we should talk about it not in front of her. All right, Admiral, whatever you say. This is our Admiral. So we're going to discuss what next steps are for all of us, I guess. And we'll be back with you shortly. Okay. Do you need some water or coffee or something? Do you want a Coke?

Liberation would be great. Thanks. Bye. I'll get you some water. So you guys step outside. Didn't it feel like we had to step out? I don't think we did. What are we supposed to get from here? Well, Iendra so that's one thing she used to work for my father

so that's interesting right guys i don't know maybe i find it interesting. No one even said it. I'm shocked. The interested mechanical man. It's by craft, a little bit of, you know, mostly, you know, just. This and that. This and that, yeah. But yeah, that's why I was surprised to hear because Drow don't like sun elves. I think she's a liar.

I did not like that woman. You think who's a liar? That evil woman we just talked to interesting now so i think at this point you are going to have to tell us a little more about your mom i don't know that much i mean what i mean what you came up with was like she was a first of all she's named dratlana because she is a parody of uh Atlanta from Aquaman. Right. Like Wario or Waluigi. I'm giving you writer's credit on that one.

And also, you wanted her to be evil and have killed your father. That was also written by Brian Posehn. Right. So we hadn't decided, but what do you want me to tell you? How much do you want your character to know about your mom? Well, he was always away uh because there's no way you would know her for a while yeah that was part of my backstory i'm gonna try to kill her no i want to well maybe she killed your dad so it's complicated at the very least i would think

that you would want to pin her down and ask her questions right there right well when my dad raised me and then she came back and while i was gone and uh and i i came back to my dad dead right so you're not sure if you want her dead at the moment is what you're saying uh we'd also talked about kind of like I think I know what you're getting at what well him wanting to emulate her more than anything want to get power at some point mm-hmm but then we also yeah you don't have to give it all but that's for you to decide what you want to tell these guys cuz I'm I fit all written down but I don't wanna I want you you want to tell these guys because i'm i have it all written down but i don't want to yeah you got i want i want you you need to tell these guys something because they're very hungry for information so what i would recommend brian is that you come up with

what you want these guys to know because i think as far as your character i didn't know i was gonna have to do this i know i know but uh we did leave when you just found out you don't't think we're all going to be pretty taken aback when we hear that this lady wants to kill your mom? Quite a coincidence. I'm going to act like I don't... You just don't care? You're just kind of like, whatever? No, that I don't know much.

Okay. All right. So... know much okay all right so uh so what how do we know she how do they know she's my mom um did it come straight it has come up before yeah i think it came up because somebody said i remember i think it was vux the bartender was talking about or something yeah yeah i mean we were talking about just like how she had a bad reputation like like the locals already knew she was your mom okay can i pray to valker to ask him for guidance with uh with hoshenka well like with the whole situation yeah like what's going on right now like who to trust and where allegiance is like i just want to get

a sense of like who is well is in the one one thing you guys have not tried a lot that I know is a huge option you have is good old-fashioned insight checks. You can force insight checks against NPCs, against each other. And if you roll really high, you can tell when people are lying or they're holding stuff back. For instance, I rolled an insight check

from TikTok and he's telling you, I think she's holding something back. Well, I do have, I can zone of truth her if we want, but if I do that, I'd like us to have some idea of what we're going to say. You know what I mean? I also feel like that lady who we came in here with has

something else to say about Dr. Uwud that I found interesting. That definitely is true. That is more the DM carrying over what you guys noticed from the last episode. Hey, why don't you subscribe to Entertainment Weekly like everybody else? I look to the camera and I say, sorry if

that was a little meta, everyone. We'll be right back with Bosom Buddies. Okay, so I mean, um so we'll be right back with bosom buddies okay so uh i mean you can go back in there or she knows as much about my mom as i do okay well what do we want to do are we gonna let her go about her business we now have two connections to the people that she literally we know both of the people that she's supposed to meet on this island i would say this must have something to do with you know a higher power all right do a religion check and and you know so tell me exactly what you're asking velker obviously your hand is guiding us here because why else would all of our lives be intertwined this way. Like kelp tangling in the sea. Oh, Jesus.

It's like Ed Sheeran. 13. What Sarah said didn't suck. No, I thought it was poetic. Oh. Like Ed Sheeran. Yeah.

You close your eyes. And you see Oh, like Ed Sheeran. Yeah. You close your eyes. Shut up, Blaine. And you see six figures on a beach looking out to the sea. They're in silhouette. Valkyr's telling me that we're all about to undertake a journey together, including, it seems, one more person. Terry. Could be Terry.

Could be Terry. Could be Halshinka. Hmm. Oh, wait, six. So it could be Terry and Halshinka. Wait, there's five. That would be seven. No, we're not going to take this evil woman that TikTok doesn't like

and I don't like so much either. I don't like her because I think she was holding something from us. I wouldn't mind going back in there and being a little more rough with our language. How about we go back there and I cast Zone of Truth and we think of what we want to ask her. TikTok would like that idea. She might easily be able to make the save, though, but we'll see.

You know what I mean by that. Save herself from having to. Yes. Do we have to get ready to get like getting close or what? Are we planning on eventually killing this person? What's the end game here? Depends on what we find out. Yeah, I guess.

So it's a 15 foot radius sphere centered on a point. This room is like eight by ten feet so everybody you guys all pile in there you're like crammed in there and she's kind of like so we're all be in the zone of truth so just be aware of that yeah um great unless you cast it beyond her you can't cast it yeah you can't cast it sort of beyond the wall and maybe maybe you'll just have your choice within range. You might just hit some fairies in the room next to yours. I mean, it doesn't make you necessarily.

It just means you can't speak a deliberate lie. And an affected creature is aware of the spell, and they can be evasive. They're not forced to speak, but when they speak, it has to be the truth. Got it. All right. So you're going to head back in.

You guys go back in the room. One more thing. I'm begging to pardon me. She sees you in and she takes a deep breath. She flicks her fingers and seems to summon a cigarette into her hand. And she begins to smoke and says, all right, what now? Do you know that magic cigarettes give you magic cancer? Actually, I did.

I like to live on the wild side. Okay, so did we... Know your magic girls. She gets to do a saving throw. So you're getting your card out for a zone of truth? I was getting this. All right, what's your zone of... Give us the old flavor text on zone of truth if you'd be so kind.

Flavor text. Zone. My zone of truth is buffalo wild wings, you guys it all happens and they can't lie buffalo wild wings you create a magical zone that guards against deception and a 15 foot radius sphere is fender sventard see i'm picking up your accent i i always do um centered on a point of your choice within range until the spell ends a creature that enters the spell's area um for the first time or starts its turn there must make a charisma saving throw.

All right. Here she goes. There she goes again. And everybody, I guess, should make it unless. Hey, everybody, make a, unless you want to, it's up to you. You cast beyond or just fill the room. I mean, if you think I can cast beyond. Shit will get real. If you think I can cast beyond, I would do that. You can cast beyond or just fill the room I mean if you will get real I can cast beyond you can guess

yeah all right so you're just gonna do her all right thank God that would have been a three she got an 11 rolled high what you need what was your dice result your DC spell save on your character bitch

13 so she fails your dice result? It's your DC spell save on your character sheet. 13. So she fails. So but just to be clear, she knows that she failed. She knows and she had a plus four so it's pretty tough to get her. Okay, so who's ready to ask So you do that and she goes

because she knows and it makes her uncomfortable. So what, why did you, why did you come to this place? To Clottenham? I mean, I will be honest.

I saw that there was a vacuum of power in this continent and I wanted to be a part of it. That place sure sucks. Back to you. I mean, if you're just asking what my motives are, yes. I came here hoping to be powerful. It has not gone great,

and she points at the stump of her leg. Oh, wow. stump of her leg oh wow um were you coming to on a on a job i was here to kill jatlan you mean to yes to claudenheim well no but you were you're you're you were underground because you're in the middle of this thing and you were gonna yes i i was trying to take a shortcut um there are many dangers on land i thought it better to go underground and it went terribly we were assaulted by some kind of monster uh it was uh like nothing i have seen before interesting yes yes and it's the strangest monster I've ever seen can you describe it yes it was

large and scaly it has one terrifying golden eye and then many more eyes on short stalks it wasn't some sort of like dark red plated armor on its round floating body.

And it cast various kinds of fire from its different eyes. It was terrifying. It was a beholder, was it? A dark sort of brick red. It was like an ice beholder, right? Yeah. He looked human flesh

colored or whatever. Right? And he had chunks of Yeah. He was like he looked human flesh colored or whatever. Oh. Right? And he had chunks of crystals in him. He had the ice. Blue crystals. I think that the Tenebrous one or whatever can turn people into ice. Ah. What?

And have you met Kavindra before? No. And was she supposed to be your contact? Yes. Do you know who the Violet Fang is? Yes, I know who the Violet Fang is. Who's the Violet Fang? She is my employer. Do you know who the violet fang is yes i know who's the violet fang who's the violet fang she is my employer do you know her true identity yes what is her true identity she is not exactly a drow yes the violent fang she is a drow but uh she is, I think, from somewhere else that I've never heard of.

She's very secretive, but I said I had not met her. I have met her. But she is a drow? I was afraid to tell you because I thought you all looked dangerous and you might want to kill me and kill her. So I wanted to protect her is why I did not tell you. And what's her name? She is the Violet Fang.

But what's her real name? Look, we saw you in your dark... She starts chewing her lip. She knows she doesn't have to talk, but that if she does, it will be awful. So she's holding... Look, we saw you in your darkest time with carting a sandwich around,

and we still saved you. So I think you can tell us the name of this. When I learned her true name, she spoke in a sideways language. It sounded as if she was speaking through some kind of tube. I could not pronounce it. She appeared to be a drow, but she could change. Does it sound familiar to Dark there?

Nope. Or anyone. Arcana? Any sort of... She seemed to have some magic qualities to her that made her otherworldly. I was going to say, does it sound familiar to me? Anyone

who wants to make that guess, you need to have arcana proficiency if you have arcana proficiency you may roll i have tix arcana efficiency i have no arcana i think i have a plus but not proficient that's what you mean like yeah yeah i don't know if anyone here does i know tiktok does not no but you know what I do? I have a history proficiency. All right, I'll let you do that. Thanks. If you have history or a kind of makes sense. 15.

So the way she is describing this character, it sounds like maybe this is an extra planar being the language remind the way she's describing like the way that the speaking happens and the magic happens it sounds like things you've heard of say coming from

where like the tieflings come from or like where the the demons come from it like where the, uh, the, the demons come from. It just, it just sounds like not what you would expect from anyone who was native to this plane. Even though Darther knows about his mom,

wouldn't that, wouldn't that knowledge go over into this or knowing about drows or no? What can I tell you about drows? Um, or knowing about drows or no what can i tell you about drows um i think you would be immediately suspicious of all this information it would make you go like oh so she's not a real drow right you know you'd be like you'd be like all the voice stuff you'd be like the only thing that you might consider is that a lot of drow deities are demigods who were once mortal and like rose up through magical means so you might a part of you might go

like oh is she like a demigod or something but other than that no all right blaine you're about to yeah i rolled on my count of check of 20 and i have a plus five so anyway i concur with everything that done uh okay well i'll give you a little something extra special for that um you it's a new car so there's that extra there's that extra planar thing but because she seems to have magical abilities and speak another language you would think um either she is not drow or she is uh you know something dangerous the violent thing uh but but dangerous the way you're dangerous she would have some sort of powers that would make her likely to be not to be fucked with um and and and i'd be a good tipper she that's my big problem uh and i'm trying to think too

like the kind of stuff you study uh and got it, it was specifically Arcana. You would be like, you know, this means if you're worried about the Tenebris one, she could be just as dangerous. Okay. And where is she based again? Bakersfield. Donkeyland.

She's based in Donkeyland? you know that is you know that is where hoshenka came from and so you would suspect at least no but i'm asking hoshenka where she's based donkey land yes okay interesting it's a it's a it's a land of halflings and we were trying to build an alliance between the drow and the halfling I use my, remember how I had those map things? Did we, was, Donkey Land was what it originally was? Donkey Land used to be a larger country that bridged, so like if you think of Cloddenheim as Europe, Donkey Land used to lead into Asia,

but Asia, the bridge to Asia got completely destroyed by half the comet. So Donkey Land is now broken up. Oh, there's like an island. But you would know that Donkey Land used to be a thriving kingdom full of halflings, and now it looks a little more treacherous.

Okay. Great. Other questions, guys, for her while she's in this zone? You looked at me. I was about to ask you, would I be familiar with that too? You looked at me. With Donkey Land?

Yeah. You would know that it is a very magical place, to ask you would i be familiar with that too you looked at me with donkey land yeah uh you would know that it is a very magical place that the halflings there are kind of uh or they used to be very uh what's the word i'm looking for closed off so the fact that she's trying to form an allowance between the drow and uh halflings might be a little laughable to you okay and where is the city okay blue bug blue the other city blue of vendaria yeah vendaria my my history yeah is south of blue bug like just do south right it's not on the map you have okay there used to be two elven cities to the south a moon elf city and a sun elf city and they're they're both just wiped clean hey guys this is your

opportunity so what else would you have of me i mean it's silly you cast this spell on me i would tell you most things anyway now you're just dragging the more let me let me tell you what we're doing we're trying to make sure look we're going to help you not get executed, which I think is probably what you want. It's very much what I would want. Then we need a little bit more guarantees that we're dealing with, you know. I will help you all I can.

I can tell you where they keep some magical items here that will sweeten the pot. That's great. But can I actually ask you another question, which is what is the biggest piece of information that you are intentionally withholding from us uh that's great and can i get three more wishes uh you might as well just say it because uh yeah she she bites her lip again and she says, I do not want to be held accountable for any of my crimes

and would like to start over. I am afraid of the Violet Fang. And I feel as if you have given me another chance and I would like to help you whatever. If it is to meet the Violet Fang, so be it. But I would like if you would not say, let me be killed or also return me to her as some sort of bartering chip.

If I am being honest, the biggest thing I am withholding is that the Violet Fang thing was not going well. I was not paid that well and I do protect her out of a sense of pride, but she is frightening. So you'll bail on

your mission also? Whatever it is you want. Well, why would you carry out your mission if you don't want to work for i do not like dratlana i do not like a lot of things do you know dratlana personally yes oh you do yes tell us about that how do you know her personally? She is a family member who, yes. What?

Snap. We all look at each other with dinner plate eyes. How are you related? She is my grandmother. What? What? Do you know who I am? She pauses and looks at you.

Do you want her to know who you are? Could you guess? Wait, hold on. If she's her grandmother, then did you have any siblings? Not that I knew of. Did I? No. No.

Not that you know of. How is that? Okay, sorry. Go ahead. Well, in the movie as a sister or in that that uh that history of she she looks at you and says our security she says totally following that you all i will say is you look like i have drow and maybe vaguely familiar but i do not know who you are all All right. She's your grandmother? Yes. So you were going to kill her?

Yes. Who, is she your paternal or maternal grandmother? She is my maternal grandmother. My mother's mother. Who's your mother? Your mother's mother? Who's your mother?

Stop. You thought of her accent. It's very different. I think she's just from Australia. No. People with nicknames. Funny you should ask that. My mother was a drow named Dextra, and she lived in Veston.

And Dratlana sold out our entire family, and they were all killed. What does Darkthor know about that? It doesn't sound like a big surprise of what your mom's capable of. Right. uh it doesn't sound like a big surprise of what your mom's capable of right but do i actually i would say that um 20 i just rolled a 20 do i have any memory of that yeah she had she had a family far away that before she got together with your dad and you don't know what happened to him but now you know you think right and how do i know that just my dad? Yeah, just from your dad saying that he wasn't the first. He wasn't her first. Oh, okay.

Okay, cool. And I don't need to share that with anybody. Nah. Nah. Unless you wanna. Well, I mean, we now sort of know. If you're in the room. No, I haven't said. I was talking to him.

We could say that kind of. We totally heard it. No, no, but I'm saying we know that now that Dretlana's her grandmother. So we know that by some, she's your cousin. I don't know. There's a little bit of like, you know. Step-aunt cousin.

Game of Thrones weird creepiness. My mom had other families before me. Okay, so this is your grandma. Were you chosen for this assignment randomly? I requested this assignment. And I appreciated that the Violet Fang gave me this job, but she did not support me well. I would think she would as soon as have me killed.

So it's revenge for what she did. Anyway! Do we want to meet the Violet Fang it sounds to me like the Violet Fang is a monster from another plane so no not right now but maybe eventually like I said

if we should head east and you take me with you perhaps I can figure out a way to meet her that is beneficial to all. She has not, you know. I mean, is she evil? It's hard to say.

She is said to make blood sacrifices, but I do not know if she does it with a conscience. She could just be doing it for work. The Tenebrous one? Yeah. Tell me a little bit about your knowledge of the Tenebrous one. The Tenebrous one is a dark wizard, dabbles in creepy magic. I do not know exactly why he did what he did,

but they say he summoned armies here to wipe clean the magic of this continent. All right. Good luck with that. So let's divvy up some magic items. Cool, you want to rob the Temple of Lerua. I am your woman. Shall we? No, I'm not comfortable with that,

but I'll leave the room. Look, if you take me with you, I will make it worth your while. I will be loyal and I am telling you this with your spell in effect. Yeah, that's good. Yeah, and there's the, you know,

the message I got from Valkyr. What was that? Six silhouettes. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I know. I'm just reminding Brian six silhouettes standing but I will note that they were looking out at the ocean

which says to me that we need to like go somewhere maybe to the beach you think that he was maybe showing you that as the path yeah but maybe to the what was their mission before we ran into her?

We didn't really have. Well, and this is where TikTok might pipe up and say, I am happy to discover whatever you want, but I would like to know what happened to the Baron. I notice he is noted on this map. I would not mind, say, sailing to the north or looking up some contact to someone else

who has heard of what's happened to him. Oh, yeah. The wreck of the Baron's Ark is on here. Which Baron? His boss. Which one?

His boss. Nibbin Barry Waxo Pezzlegig, the honorary Baron of Peppergreen. I'm hoping to kick this off at the party at his house to try to get out of here. Right. So, now we have to do what we're best at,

which is making decisions. Does she know anything about the Baron? The who? The Baron of Peppagreen. Oh, yes. He is a crazy scientist, they say. I don't know. Very a crazy scientist, they say. Oh.

Very famous crazy scientist. Okay. Is he alive? Like Bill Nye? They say when the comet hit, he tried to fly away in some sort of silly airship, and it got hit by part of the comet, and it went crashy crash. Yeah, we know all about that. Oh. Crash your heart, Atlanta.

Well, they say his airship landed in the ocean, and you can find it if you want. I have not seen it, but they say it floats out there haunted by ghosts. How does TikTok feel about that? TikTok is very interested. So we basically went the opposite direction from there, right? Yeah. Where are we now?

We're here. Oh, I see. But we're still close. Yeah. So all that other donkey lines on the other side of the kingdom. Again, I'm so sorry, listeners, for this incredible amount of... Hey, this is a publicly viewable map. They can... But also, it's possible... Pop up on your Instagram, nerds. Is it possible that the silhouettes were on the beach

looking towards the wreck of the ship? She didn't roll high enough for me to clarify that one, I would think. Anyway, you guys are in the room. Hoshinka is curious if you're going to try to escort her out of this room and maybe make a deal with Sister

Briarwack. Yes, I think we take her with us uh i have one request if you are to break me out of this joint uh my leg i do not think they have the magic uh to give me new leg but i know they could have given me a prosthetic if they wanted to and i think they were being dicks about it so if you could put in a good word they have i think that's plenty of they they i can do this magic where i summon uh earth and i can make things of it and uh i know they have similar magic with crystals they could make me a little crystal leg or some shit okay i know because i support you in your endeavor i have seen i have seen them uh make what you would call uh sort of uh prosthetic for uh some someone else while i am here even

oh who there is some wizard here who's they lost a finger and uh they keep losing their finger because they are crazy wizard and they don't remember shit. And I see them make a little crystal finger that wags around and looks like silly thing. What? Okay. Oh, shoot.

That just reminded me that I had one more question. You haven't met a lot of the wizards yet. I think just one, it sounds like, yes. Do we know who she's talking about? No, you've only met Sister Bylock, but it sounds like there's some other wackadoo Temple of LaRue unicorn worshiping weirdos. Do we know who she's talking about? No, you've only met Sister Bylock, but it sounds like there's some other wackadoo Temple of LaRue unicorn worshiping weirdos. Can I ask a question, another question while we're still here,

which is why do you think that you did not have a Western accent when you went crazy? I think I did not remember to speak, but I was in the tunnel so long I picked up the common tongue. Hmm. Okay. Zone of truth still in effect, y'all.

Very cash. Very cash. You seemed more trustworthy. Whatever, you know. All right, so you head out into the hallway with your buddy here limping along and um sister briar lock runs up to you guys and says um oh uh you're liberating the drow i know we're taking her into our custody um that sounds fine just get her out of here but we i we are gonna

need there's no way that we can travel with her. We are going to need you to construct a prosthetic for her leg. Well, I will be honest. I'm actually quite grateful. I'm not sure if it was intended to be a gift, but I noticed you dumped a big pile of beholder eye stocks at the front door, like a bunch of pool noodles when you came in. Yes, we didn't know if we should bring them inside or if it was like an umbrella stand kind of situation.

We could use those for magic if you don't need them. She kind of like leads like, I don't know, I was going to try to sell them one, but of course

you can use them. Cool. Yes, I'd be happy to fashion a prosthetic or something. Sure. What about asking them for magic

to help us on this? Well, I was going to say if there's anything we want to do before we leave, not to make this too talky talky. Right. But Dr. Guys. Oh, do you want to know the truth about Dr.

Drew? Dr. Drew. Or if you like, I can even tell you his magical ultra secret middle name. Yes. Hugh. Dr. Drew. Hugh. Dr. Drew Hugh Hewitt.

Please tell us everything about Dr. Drew Hewitt. I'm dying to hear it. He had a radio show with... So... Curl. Curl. He had a radio show with... So... Corolla. Corolla. Sister Briarlock's voice becomes a little

serious. She was a little excited about you giving her those eye stalks, but now she seems to be remembering the last time she saw Dr. Uid. And she begins to tell you the tale of that fateful evening when Dr. Uwud chanced upon wild magic.

Wild magic that would infect his mind. And the lights even seem to darken as you hear this story. You hear eerie sounds of bubbling potions as you are seemingly transported to that very night. Oh my God. Is Blaine's backstory monster mash? We were working in the lab late one night when my eyes beheld a fairy sight. Dr.

Uwud would need rehab When this burned his eyes Suddenly To my surprise he did the cast He did the wild magic cast The wild magic cast It was an eldritch blast He did the cast He had no gas, ass, or grass He did the cast

He did the wild magic cast From my laboratory in Half-Elf University. No halflings admitted for diversity. Into the room OOID's wild shape strode and gave himself a jolt upon his own chode. He did the cast! He did the Wild Magic cast! The Wild Magic cast! It was an eldritch blast! He did the cast. He had no gas, ass, or grass. He did the cast. He did the Wild Magic cast. The satyrs were having fun.

The casting time had just begun. The guests included Dolph Man, Dwayne Kula, and his son. His son is named Alecunod. That's Dwayne Kula is named Alecunod. That's Dwayne-cula backwards, Alecunod. You know, like if you remember Castlevania, sometimes Dracula's son is Alucard, which is Dracula backwards.

He did the Wild Magic cast. That takes me back oh my god when blaine uh originally wrote me his backstory he he did some uh references to monster mash and that is the only reason i spent time distracted by the chorus there's there's no real other information you get from this, except for a few things that a few people died because they also explored the wild magic that he unlocked. Those people's names are Dolphman, Dwayne Killa, and Dwayne Killa's

son. Oh my god. Who has stupid names just because Blaine has stupid names. I'd like to thank our Patreons for contributing. That's the kind of thing your money's buying us, is more songs like that. Full disclosure, Dan didn't go overseas.

He was working on that. No, he asked for $1,000 for that. I gave it to him. I can't believe steve albini came through in that such short notice oh my god i don't get stupid that often i really just wanted i just love it i just wanted to get stupid so um true i was working in the lab late one night when something horrible happened that was was just true. Apparently you were experimenting with wild magic and people...

Oh, so... Yeah, she was working on a lab that much. She got up close. She also says a few other things that based on that, she would be willing to part with some magical artifacts to help you on your journey. Sure.

And also she said someone named Crepus came to see you all uh he is waiting in the lobby how are we doing on time sam oh crepus we have two minutes great so uh she she brings you three things she brings you some uh leather armor and says if there is any amongst you who uh need to let's just say take more of a beating than others. You might enjoy this. And you see it's got big harnesses on the back that looks like multiple weapons.

She didn't mean it that way. That might just be crotchless plate mail. No, it's leather. It's leather. It's basically studded leather. No, it's not crotchless. And she says there are magical properties to it. Who's it look like it's basically studded leather um and uh she says there are magical properties to it um okay so there's that who's it look like it would fit um it looks like it would fit tick tock or creep okay um i wouldn't mind it uh she also hands you a little fly with it

a little uh necklace and she says, should any of you need to breathe when there is no air, this should be of assistance. That'll be helpful for exploring a water arc. Well, she has another necklace. This is my third gift. Should you want it, it can give you the ability to,

let's just say, be luckier should you feel that you are in danger so what these effectively do if one of you is to take the leather armor go for it so this is going to be plus two leather

armor that is what the magic is it is reinforced magically. Studded leather. Who wants the breathing charm and who wants the luck charm? One of them is water breathing. I'll take whichever one you don't want. We can also trade it off yeah

the one that she calls luck it is an amulet that gives two bonuses it gives you a plus three to survival and a plus one to deception that would help with me and everyone a plus one to deception. That

would help with me. Alright. I'll take the water breathing. As she gives these out, she turns to TikTok. Plus two on deception? No, I thought you said plus one deception. Plus one deception and then

survival is the other one. You should add that to your main thing when you get a chance. Right, yeah. And she turns to TikTok and says, and you. I should give you this. And she kind of hands him what looks like a little scroll. And TikTok just kind of puts it in his pocket. Hello?

Need a share? I'm going to read it later when the person who plays me is in charge. I think it will be important for him to do that. He looks to the camera. Sorry that was meta again, everyone. That was good. Okay.

Shall I head to you downstairs? Oh, oh, right. One moment. She waves a hand, and you see this blue crystalline leg start to spring up from the ground and cover the exposed knee of hoshenka um and hoshenka's got like a cape and a robe but um she finds some really basic armor that hoshenka can borrow and a it looks like a rusty sword. And it's just like

these are basically garbage. She can have them. If you find better, you're welcome to it. She can give someone tetanus. She sure can. You head downstairs to the lobby and sitting at one of the tables with a, you know, a bright flowing silk table blanket

across it. Tablecloth, tablecloth. There is Krep crepus the town surgeon looking looking he looks nervous okay hey how's it going hey it's weird weird stuff you did to me out in public people are still talking about how weird my uh dating life is they loved how honest you were so um honest crepus that's what they're gonna call you i have two things uh one i did an informal poll of who everyone wants to be the mayor and um right now the uh front runners are hal seen and dargther and no one else so uh good luck getting anyone else to be mayor after you leave um that's cool uh the other thing i'll tell you is uh dargther we tried to arrest that guy kovner i don't know if you remember

him he was like a he was a dwarf but he had dark skin and he's kind of milky white eyes he was i think the personal bodyguard of thogas we didn't get a whole lot out of him he said that you guys had used him as sort of a human shield for a while back there and uh we um we got him to give us this thing and he hands you a sigil and he said um he said to give this to you if you ever wanted to meet up in the underworld or you needed passage through parts of the underworld. He said that you might be able to make use of it because you're part drow. And then a few minutes later, we turned our backs,

and he turned invisible and it disappeared or something. So we don't know where Kovner is. Did you open that room up that he turned invisible in? I mean, he, he was in our sort of makeshift prison when he did it. He was like, standing around in like the lobby area.

And we were like, wait here. And he was cuffed. You know, we had these like sort of wooden clasps on his wrists and he just kind of went poof. I mean, we did tell everybody they, as long as they took off

right yeah we did give them we did tell oh and he says by the way someone saw a weird brain thing with a beak and an orc running like to the woods in the north uh they seem like they teamed up or something okay well as long as they're your kids yeah the orc was yelling something about a nest egg I don't know he was real excited about this nest egg he said that's it so I guess you guys aren't going to stay and be mayor let's figure that out next episode

yeah I mean what do you want what's next I want to hear Sam's recap of what happened in this episode sam well i'd be happy to tell you guys so this week we started out dan is mad at the plastic crinkling uh we're talking to a lady who's here to kill the admiral's mother and we might free her tiktok and tiktok's energy is somehow more sexual today. We didn't learn enough, so we're going back in to get more aggro with our questions. Oh shit, is that eyeball back? This game rules.

We're trying to figure out what the deal is with that gang of the violent femmes. There's also a place called Donkey Land because this game rules. The German lady's being real tight-lipped about shit. Oh, this lady is related to the admiral i think we're gonna rob this place no we're not uh the lady with the swedish voice

wants a new leg uh we learned about dr uid through song which is the best way to learn and we got some studded leather armor that i think we all hope tiktok wears what do you i should... That's it. All right. Thanks for listening. Woo! Thanks for listening to another episode of Nerd Poker. You can follow us at patreon.com slash nerdpoker,

and you get bonus episodes from there. And you can also send us anything at P.O. Box 16069 Encino, California 91416 Thanks for listening.