Nerd Poker - Episode 15 - Admiral Ahoy

Episode Date: May 1, 2019

Our heroes having just interrogated the living heck out of Haushinka's the drow, they now sit upon a throne of clues. Is that a thing we just made up, a throne of clues? We'll have to use that in-game at some point. Anyhow, at long last, nautical backstories draw our heroes towards the sea. And sadly yes, Chris Tallman is missing one more time, but worry not! He is back next episode, we've recorded it and everything, his intense sexual energy will flow through our microphones again before you know it.

Hey everybody, I'm Brian Poussin, Comedian, writer, actor, nerd. I've been playing D&D with my friends for a long time. I decided to do a new podcast where we play Dungeons & Dragons in my very own dining room. With my wife, kid, and my noisy dogs. So meet my friends Sarah, Kev, Dan, Blaine, Chris. Now it's time for another episode of Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker. Season three. Hey, everybody.

That was real. That fits, Brian. Poussaint, you're listening to Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker. All my friends are here. Not all of them. Dan, what's going on with your forehead those things popping out yeah Sarah hello I don't know nothing bad Chris isn't here but we're going to call him Sam is though I'm calling hi Sam

oh hi Sam so it's due episode 15 season 3 and we're calling we're calling Chris at home in the shower we're going to see

if he can win one of these Bob Seger tickets hey guys I'm in the shop over can I talk to you about these

Bob Seger tapes oh man you read my bye where are the magic words going to about these Bob Seger tapes? Oh, man. You ripped my mind. Where are the magic words going to get you? Bob Seger tapes. Hey, how are you doing, Chris? Good.

How are you? We're good. I don't know if you can hear us. You're plugged in, but it's not working very well. I can hear you through the phone speaker phone, so it sounds like I'm on speaker phone. There we go. Hi. That's great. Where are you on vacation, Chrisris can you tell us without endangering yourself what's the energy

there oh yeah i'm in the midwest and we're visiting uh our families are my daughters have a spring break so this is like our weird spring break uh we were uh in chicago yesterday and it was a blizzard it was pretty insane and uh this week I'm going to be running my wife and her, our kids and then her brother and his kids. I'm going to be done mastering an adventure for them. Oh, wow. Beautiful.

Cool. Can you, can you say just like one thing to get, to get Sam really aroused? Maybe not aroused. No, I know what I'm saying. Fire me up. He's in the shower.

Sam! Am I talking to Sam or am I talking to Terry? Oh, talk to Terry. Do it in character, please. Terry, I'm concerned about you and your wife. Do you think love will ever be in your future? Nah, she won't take me back. Too many DUIs.

Perhaps it's best to move forward. I get what you're implying. Yes, I'm in. That was easy. Alright, Chris. We miss you. We'll see you soon. Bye. Sorry. Hey, everybody. Have fun. Okay.

Bye. That's Dick Talk with Tick Tock. Bye. Sorry. Hey, everybody. Have fun. Okay. Thanks, Chris. Have fun. Bye. That's Dick Talk with Tick Tock. I thought I'd knock a few drinks over. No, it's not. What? No. It's like

car talk, but with dicks. Joke denied. We're not calling it that. No jokes out of you, Blaine. Oh, dear. Last time. That's weird joke bullshit. So why start now?

Take this new form of improv. Last time on Dick Talk with Tick Tock. It's called No It's Not. No It's Not and What Else Do You Have? I think Dick Talk with Tick Tock is a new t-shirt. Our heroes spent an entire hour interrogating without killing anyone it was crazy

I felt terrible for the listeners we're now on our way out of the temple and yeah it was pretty nice I've never seen you guys play Dungeons and Dragons in one building for like a while not set it on fire but

this narrator thinks it was interesting it's very special last uh we got a little bit of gear to accompany our level four status and new hit points and finally i believe we are leaving with hoshenka the assassin uh in tow a new blue crystalline leg uh helping her hobble around uh you just talked to crepus briefly the town surgeon who's feeling kind of dumb uh what do you want to do now well i don't want to be mayor that was another thing that was brought up right yeah i mean you think that this town cliffhanger was look you guys have shown a remarkable amount of interest in bozor's future so i will tell you

the following things they will obviously elect their own official with a minor competence they are definitely a little nervous as they've been living in a military state run by a gang but you feel like you've set them up for success as best you can. You can now use contacts in Bozor. This whole city knows all of your names, and you will be obviously heralded here. So this is a place where you can send word for assistance. This is a place where you will receive discounts in all shops,

but you do not have to stay here. You can get out of town. You guys would know that you have at least two options for getting out. Do we remember the bartender's name or the owner? Vux, and I'm happy to remind you of that whenever you need it. Sorry, why don't we...

He is one of the strongest contacts you made, sure. I think he's saying that they'll be fine if we just take off. They're going to figure it out. Right, but why don't we suggest Vux as... I think we did, and they said that he's kind of a good bartender, but not a...

He just happens to be the guy you drank with more than someone you think would be suited to drink. Not like an AOC bartender. So you know you have a few options, and from talking to the townspeople, you'll learn some stuff. So do you want to just do... Let's call it a...

Across the board, everyone make a charisma check to see what you can learn from the townspeople about the best way to proceed forward I thought we were going to the ark you can go to the ark but you know just what they would tell you about how to get there and stuff like that 22

16 a what check charisma charisma oh I thought it was a chorizo check 16. A what check? Charisma. Charisma. Oh, I thought it was a chorizo check. Great. So 20, what'd you get? 22. Oh, so we got two 22s.

All right, you guys do some asking around. I mean, generally, you're of the impression, if you want to head east to, say, Donkey Land or to Blue Bog, a couple of places you've heard about you would want to maybe do it by sea uh so it seems like all things are pointing towards going by sea and the reason for that is although you could traverse the land it is full of danger there are new wild animals that make people afraid of leaving town and the the landscape is littered with beasts that are like something out of folk tales um you think perhaps the ice crystals are being um are sort of mutating some of the wildlife

so to speak uh that's what you gather with that high crystal about the land the sea is a whole other thing so people are suggesting a lot of things to you an unusual amount of people are suggesting you visit haw belly and fuck things up the people of bozor do not like haw belly it's where all the the rich people on the west side of the continent have holed up and blocked out all the poor people and the reason bozor fell into disrepair is all trade had been shut off with haw belly used to be pretty friendly but has now become let's call it sort of a silicone valley of hoity-toity just millionaires who don't like anyone in there and there's a lot of people who are like you guys are awesome

can you bring some of your you know like justice to haw belly and fuck up those assholes yeah so um there's no like as far as you can tell evil wizard or like big bad in haw belly but it sounds like they're pretentious pricks and people do general bad they're like they do tempt you they're like there's loot there there's there's stuff there uh that might help you in your quest so to speak um they also tell you uh to be careful if you take the sea and stick close to the shore there are monsters in the ocean now that are vast and terrifying is there uh leviathans if you will there are also a few people who when you mentioned the ark and how it is crashed and uh they they

note your they're like yeah it's it's up in the northwest your map but um all we know about it is it is in the north sea we're we're not sure where it is it's not in a fixed location they say it sort of encounters people as they uh sail the north sea cool and it is driven by some supernatural force. Would Darkthor know, well, who's the most seafaring amongst us? You and Halcine are kind of a nice tie for pretty damn seafaring. Okay. But then also, do we need a captain,

or do we need, or can we? I think the Admiral speaks for himself, TikTok would say. Let's get our Admiral a boat. Would Admiral feel confident? No. Would Dark through feel confident? Yeah.

I would think so. He would, he would feel, he would feel like he could definitely boss a crew around. You would know that there are basic instead of looking for jobs that need to get it. Although you would also look at this crew you've got here and wonder, maybe you want like an employee to take care of some of the dumber shit there's stuff like buying supplies

that if you're going to be at sea for a while and you're going to have to come ashore that might be nice to have somebody taking care of the food and you don't know if you want to saddle your new what are we even going to use do we have uh no um with that charisma although you would and just your general knowledge you know that you might be able to hire a boat I mean there's

you've got a lot of money seems like you might be able to rent something with a crew is that what you guys all want to do

yeah and we don't think we need a full crew I can crew and yeah and you and I can depends on how big the boat is

yeah this is not a pleasure cruise right and how far are Depends on how big the boat is. This is not a pleasure cruise. Right. And how far are we going? How far is the inlet or that island? Or not island, but the... We're here.

That's Howbelly if we went there. This is the ark up here. The North Sea looks like a few days travel up the West Coast. Please excuse me. I say we go talk to the people of halbelly first and see uh the rich folk yeah what did what would uh dark there know about halbelly and uh you haven't been here for a while no you never liked them they never liked you uh every time you

would have to trade with them you would pull your hood up and try and keep a low profile because they would mock you for being half elf um they're mostly human there are high elves who live there but only humans and high elves and they're like a bunch of dicks yeah they you you know that they keep very uh special uh uh like foods there you know they they like to live the high life um they like to uh so it's like irvine or do we already throw it it's a little more honestly it's a little more like oh hi oh hi what if so it's so there's a lot of like med there's like meditative retreats and stuff like that so like they they think well themselves because they have a rich culture but they're conservative hippies yeah conservative hippies is a good way to put it. Yeah, yes, leave Ohio alone.

Hey, what's nice to visit, but would you want to live there? Poor Jamie. What's high in the middle and are you on both? It's like how about this? It's like a combination of like just like a like a wealthy

tourist area and well, that seems like a, like a wealthy tourist area. And well, that seems like a side. It's like Malibu. Yeah. Doesn't it feel like we should go check out that? I feel like we probably first should have gone to the wreck of the arc or, you know,

we were up there already. It did. It is our origin story, you know? So we could go, we could sail up there. TikTok also says like, yes,

I would like some closure. We do not need to linger. I just want to know what happened to the Baron. I think we could find out why we're even in this weird ass adventure. If it's a few days journey,

it shouldn't be, you know. And I can also fly up and scout. Sure. He says fly, pretty Baron. This other place looks close and it seems like our dm yeah no it

just felt like no your dm is never gonna try to push you in one direction except for that timeshare they just want us to go to how bad how bad how belly how belly how belly how look i have written out your options and I don't have any of them highlighted it's truly like there if you want to take it so we can go on up or we can go on up we're the ones writing our future

yeah I will remind you both the last campaigns there were entire cities you never visited I don't know but I like them so um if you're gonna head out you're gonna want a boat you're gonna head to the docks yeah we gotta yeah let's get a boat we're doing it talk to folks um there's a lot of half works and dwarves work in the docks um they're all friendly with

dark there so you have no problem just sort of figuring out the situation. There's not a lot of adventuring vessels. There's five main vessels that are sort of flat, uninteresting kind of industrial ships, and they're all very important for supplies. And they travel southeast. If you look around the map, they travel. Do I have a map I can show you so I don't need to point across the table? So...

It's pretty good. Poxus is their main port of trade. Sure. And all five of these boats are in staggered trips that avoid Hawbelly, go around to Poxus, and route things back and forth. There's very few boats because Thagas had,

uh, anything but the most basic supply ships destroyed. Uh, all, all pleasure ships are destroyed. There's just one, um, uh,

infested vessel sitting, uh, on the port. Infested? Yes. Uh, and you keep hearing about it and everyone just like, it's full of rats and other weird stuff.

It's filthy. It's owned by Vux. I don't know if you guys know Vux. One half-orc tells you, but he might be willing to scrape it off and give it to you if you want it. But it's infested. It's gross.

So you can head over. How big is it? I feel like Dr. Ewig can talk to those rats and get him out of there right if i could talk to the rats you've just imagine it uh vux used to vacation in haw belly and he gave this uh ship up and he tells you as much um he says he hasn't been on the boat in years because it is rotted and filled with just disgusting things. And he originally bought it off a cult. So he's worried it's actually

haunted. Is there no other option? But he says he will give it to you for free. We can pay some people to help us fix it up. I'm going to try to get the rats off myself. Yeah? Yeah. If I could do try to get the rats off myself. Yeah? Yeah. If I could do that,

I would never leave that. Well, it sounds like I'm making a little trip to the next room. A little animal handling. Where are you going? Are there props? What's happening? This reminds me of the time with... Put on your ponchos. It had to be rats. He's getting

minis. Minis of rats? I'm guessing. He's getting minis. Minis of rats? I'm guessing. That's my guess. He thought we'd hire a guy? I'm going to try to do it myself. What? Look at the boots.

He has an infested vessel. Brian, sit right back. You're about to hear a tale. Okay. About what? A tale of a fateful trip. Uh-huh. Tell me more. It started from a tropic port.

I'm listening. Aboard a tiny ship. It's not that tiny. So Vux walks you over. Well, I mean, tiny is relative. Big boat, really. Yeah.

It's the motion of the ocean. But it... A shower, not a grower. When you go over the sails what's on the front of it the sails are is that Clint Eastwood Dan we're trying to make jokes

oh excuse me no yeah tell me no Brian said no jokes I'm actually what is on what is at the front of it the sails are down when you go over

that's what it'll look like if you manage to get the the sails working I don't see a crow's nest it looked almost like a house along the dock the masthead Vux tells you is I don't see a crow's nest. It looked almost like a house along the dock. The masthead, Vux tells you,

is something the cult installed. He said that rather than mermaids, they were obsessed with blobfish, and so it's some sort of blobfish maiden. Let's get that off of there first thing. I cut it down. He says, that'll be a few strength checks, I think.

Bad luck. We need to get the right thing on the boat. Well, it's floating in the water. You'd have to definitely mount the vessel and get up to the front of the boat. Okay. So there's, he drags out a big wooden plank for you guys to get up there.

He says, so let me be clear. I got to go run the bar i don't wanna i i can't deal with the infestation it makes me sick it's why i won't go up how did how did it get so full of rats i mean disrepair i wasn't allowed to use it what do you mean you weren't so i guess wouldn't allow it it I just like didn't even think this was a free boat motherfucker. How did it get filled with rats? No I know but it's like

take a shit on over How did it get so bad is what it made. Disrepair you know and You can order grosser rats on Amazon. Gross?

Wasn't allowed to use it. You can order grosser rats? Okay so let's I think this will be a really fun montage scene so let's just hire

a bunch of men women to come scrub the boat. I was thinking that song of Revenge of the Nerds when they're cleaning up the house. Oh. It's that really bad. If you want to clean it off, it will cost you about 50 gold. What?

To get it into working order. That's still expending. You're bringing a free boat about 50 gold to get it into working order. That's still expending. You're bringing a free boat. How much would a boat cost? If you clean it up, the benefit would be that you know you could get strangers to board the boat

either as employees or guests. But in its current state, if you leave it filthy like some sort of frat house boat, no one's going to get on it. Socially, it's an obstacle right now. I think let's clean it up. Let's dance around with rags

and hoses and stuff. Scrub off the particles. If you want to hire anyone, hiring anyone will be five gold a day. And if you want to stock it with food, it will depend. It will either be...

Blame that's costing us so much. You're obsessed with royalties. No, it's your patience. I get it. It's costing your friendship. Yeah get it. What a friend. Lee shorts. Yeah, I mixed it up there. To feed all of you.

Love boat. Aneurysm. You can get out like a month's worth of food. What happened? That's real wood there. I didn't think you saw that. You can get a month's worth of food for about 100 gold for everyone. And it goes up a lot. Where? Whole Foods? It goes up more if you want

a chef to make good food, and it goes up even more if you have other stacks. Everything's so expensive. Well, the mechanical man was keeping track of all of our holder money. How much for the ship without the chocolate? It's being recorded, and we can leverage this onto Chris Tallman.

So seriously, let's... Darkthor's going to get some friends to... Maybe there's some favors people will... I love us. I thought they love us. What's the favor rate? Yeah, do a persuasion check. How about my slow motion car wash girlfriends?

Twelve. No, five gold there. Fifteen. Going out on the post-apocalyptic ocean. 15 persuasion. He only got to roll because he knows the locals. Here's the thing about the food, guys. I just had a flashback to our pre-recording game where we did get marooned out at sea

and all we had were coconuts. Holy shit. As your dungeon master. You mean coconuts? Yeah, we kept calling them coconuts by accident. As your dungeon master. You mean coconuts? Yeah, we kept calling them coconuts by accident. As your dungeon master, I highly recommend

you keep track of your days the way I will be. We lived this and it was bad news. This is how we started playing D&D. Both filled with coconuts. How about if Arthur

tries again? Come on, guys. We need a barrel of pickles for Jackie. I have a skill set. I mean, you can get guys you know, but with that role, you're not going gonna get it for less money because they just simply need to like uh like how do i put this you guys are town heroes and you could you could probably get

someone on here for free but not someone who needs to like work the docks yeah let's let's i feel like let's just pay these people these people have been under the thumb of an oppressive that's the other thing too let's just give the pay them a living wage sure uh get them to clean up the boat i'd like to i'd like to order a new doc yourselves for the cleanup you want a new master approved masthead is that what it's called valkyr approved you want to look more valkyrie well just there's something that's do what i did there something less blobfishy i'm sure you can Something less blobfishy. Sure, you can pop the blobfish head off if you want on the model too. I don't actually want to hurt the model.

But yeah, yeah, yeah. You can get whatever kind of mask head you want. I will say as you guys are cleaning up, two big questions come up from all... Because you're hiring townspeople now. First of all, people want to know what do you guys call yourselves? Guys, we get to have a game.

Talent Team Treasure Bears. Talent Team Treasure Bears. Because you're about to leave and they want to remember you by some sort of name. The Outfit. Oh, that's not bad. We're going to have to think on this. Tell them we need a night. This is very well.

And you might want to loop over. The Offset Boulanger. Yeah. gonna have to think on this tell them we need to a night to see very well and you might want to but some things may not be able to wait for mr tallman as sad as it is uh so dr ruud and the when i like it when when this ship was piloted by vux it another name, but that name doesn't suit it anymore. What would you guys want to call it? What are we calling the ship? We got to name the ship now. We got to name ourselves. There's a lot going on.

What are you looking at, you Vux? Go Vux yourself. Go Vux yourself. You're going to name your boat, go Vux yourself. Or how about Marco? Ask me if I give a Vux. No V uh if i give a vux no vux given yeah yeah no vux given that's pretty all right then no no i don't know

we're back excuse me it's one of my favorite words so what are we gonna call the boat yeah blast from the past how about dr fluid what floats speaking of tushy how about hocus tocus did we say tushy off the air so it just sounds like you just said speaking of tushy i of nowhere? I'm always talking about tushy. And we said no to the Terry Ferry, right? No, we did not. We didn't say that.

I didn't hear it pitched. By the way, one of the people cleaning up your boat, his name is Terry, and he was in the bar fight earlier, you recognize. Hey, Terry, what do you think of this boat? It's pretty good. I have some more opinions on it, but I just got to step over here for a minute and use the restroom. Yeah, what about something that alludes to our being out of time? You know what I mean?

Like out of time? Yeah, like out of time, blast from the past, like the Mariner's Revenge. Oh my God. How about Time Boat? Yes, I like Time Boat. Time Boat!

I love Time Boat. I think Time Boat just stuck. I love Time Boat. Do you have a Sharpie? Yes. Go get a Sharpie. Don't write it on there. You don't think we should write Timeboat on our boat?

I think we should write Timeboat on our boat. Is it HMS Timeboat? This is no longer your boat. SS Timeboat? I would write it on some tape and then put the tape on the boat. I would say Vux suggests you carve the name of your boat in the side. I don't think we've settled on Timeboat. The boat is ours, right?

Spencer doesn't want it back? Vux doesn't want it back. Timeboat. No, but the guy, it's not really from Vux. It's really from our prop friend. I think it's really from our prop friend, Spencer, yeah. Right. Did he say we could have it?

Yeah. Are you sure? Timeboat. Maybe we'll write Sharpie on there after I confirm, but I'm pretty sure. Timeboat. He said, oh, give a fuck if you write anything. He never said that. He never said write Sharpie on there after I confirm, but I'm pretty sure about he said, oh, give a fuck. If you write anything, he never said that.

He never said anything about writing on it, but he did. He did make a blobfish helmet at my request. So if we call it bill, yeah, for short, what about beefy Dave? I don't know.

Reefy Dave. Time boat. Time boat. Time boat Dave. All right. Well, we don't have to paint it yet. No, but Fox just goes, I time boat.

All right. It sounds like a good name to me. Sounds like a joke name. It certainly sounds like a joke name, sure, but that's what about 40% of all boats got anyway. That's true, actually. Yeah. Yeah, like the codfather.

So what about the rats? You guys managed to pay enough people with that hundred gold that they're no i wanted to do it this whole time but you wanted all yourself yeah i'm gonna play the loot i'm gonna play the song uh at closing time and then i'm gonna use i'm gonna use my animal hand like make an animal i'm gonna use my handle to leave make an animal hand like i'm gonna use my handle i like to get them to leave make an animal so you just get him to go home yeah get the fuck up talking about that time you don't have to leave a lot of

those guys are here a lot of those rats are gonna get sad have your last drink and we call the boat the cat in the fiddle and i'll play that song uh by extreme get the funk out all right make your goddamn check I won't play that one Brian's been holding his dice over the tower for half an hour

watch me oh boom Brian will you please now sing closing time no do you like you have to you have to you have to at least make up the words to the beat of the song as best you can.

I'll hum it to rats. All right, do it. Because they wouldn't understand the lyrics anyway. So what are the rats here? Do it. We had a good start. Do it, Poseidon. A one.

A one. I'm laughing. You get it. Finish up your potion or mead. What's your bonus to animal handling? Stop it. Five. And I got a,

I got a 25. So, so as you play this song that is out of time from another dimension, if you will, I don't even, I made it up. The rats all come from below deck and begin to slow dance their way down the plank and onto the,

onto the dock where Vux collects them in a barrel. I love that. A barrel of rats. All right. I'm going to look at Darkthrow. I'm going to go, you just saved me a palimony payment. High five.

I don't know what that joke means. Neither do I. I have to ask my lawyer. TikTok says, shall we head north? I volunteer to ask my lawyer. Tick tock. Says, shall we head North? I volunteer to be the anchor. You can throw me in the water.

Just kidding, but I'll lift it up because I'm strong. Okay. All right. So a hundred gold to fix it up. And then I just, I'm trying to keep track. Yeah.

A hundred gold. And then how much for the food? I just did that shit for free though y'all actually I think it was 50 gold to fix and I think it was 100 gold for 30 days

worth of food okay so we got 30 days what if I get hungry at night and then it's five gold a day per staff member you would know

that TikTok offers to be navigator based on what you two specifically know you have as needs. You do not have a cook, so a lot of your food's gonna be dry, salted, ration-type stuff unless you hire a cook.

No, we don't need a cook. It'll just be boring food, but it'll be well-preserved. I'm not trying to sell you on a chef. I'm just letting you know. And then you're gonna want I'm not trying to sell you on a chef I'm just letting you know and then you're going to want either to

build or hire protection for your boat this is a vacation vessel and you might be headed into hostile territory and I would say you two would know that we go back to the chef thing sure we had a lot of luck with an NPC who also was our cook last time

and then wound up not being an NPC. But maybe we could use... Are you saying you want to hire an actor? Well, Hasina has eaten all types of ship food and is fine with oat cuisine or salted fish. She loves that ship food. Whatever you want. I was just thinking out loud Just thinking out loud

So how many people Do we really need An omelette chef You need a His assistant Assistant You would think that you There are

There are two roles That are most sorely empty And that is A chef and a weapons master empty and that is a chef and a weapons. That's where D a chef and a weapons master. Yeah, can we mount some kind of armaments on here to like a harpoon? You would

need to pay extra to either see fire build cannons. I like that. I think we should hire a chef who's also a weaponer. So he has like a you know, he has like a samurai sword, you know, like samurai delicatessen, except for real. He has a samurai sword. Like samurai delicatessen, except for real. There's a smith in town

who can supply you with refurbished cannons. You can only get two on this boat. The cannons are going to cost 100 gold each to be fitted and have enough cannonballs where you won't really run out.

Okay, let's load them with balls and let's get going. Alright. Are you going to hire anyone to run them or are you guys going to be willing to make survival checks and various other checks to fire the cannons at enemies? We're not hiring mercenaries at this point, right?

It would essentially be hiring a mercenary. We should hire one of the crew guy, right? Yeah, Hoshinka can't really help you with any of the needs of this boat. So we're going to hire a chef and maybe one multitasking person to like help crew this ship, right? And then they can sometimes fire cannons.

Sure. What do you think? You want to find another battle chef like Typha from the last game? No, no, we want one chef and one other person. sure what do you think you want to find another battle chef like typho from the last okay so you would think that your best bet to find somebody to be a weapon master would be to just hang out at vux's uh bar and find just the right person at the right time uh and you think your best bet for a chef is to visit one of the uh food shop restaurant type places in town and just ask for somebody to close up shop and come with?

Let's get an iron chef. Let's do both. Let's go to the bar and kick the door open. Any chefs in here? We're looking for a saucier. You get the feeling from your first night

hanging out at the bar that you're not going to probably find a chef here it's mostly sailors hanging out here no we're not looking for a chef at the bar I'm mostly just responding to a joke with silliness what if we have a chili cook off that was my deadpan response so

but right now you're looking for a weapon master so we can have that chili cook off in just a minute but for the sake of guiding narrative, you guys hang out and you find after a few hours, you get what looks like somebody, the folks are chatting up to be a weapons master, somebody who has operated cannons on the sea before. Is that scene doing any drinking or?

I don't know. It's always, on the sea before. Is Halcine doing any drinking? I don't know. Always. There is now a keg behind the bar carved into it, Halcine stout. Oh, yeah. Hey, you guys never even tasted my stout. It's kind of offensive. I'll try some.

I'll have some. Constitution checks from both of you. Oh, shit. That was the... Ha-ha! Do it! Do your constitution check! Do your constitution check! Do your constitution check!

I thought it was like a special homebrew. Darkthor forgot and took a sip. So did I. Damn it. Did I really? Sixteen. What do I have to roll? Constitution. Queep takes a gulp and gets a little blurry-eyed but doesn't pass out. What about Darkthor? When you slam your tanker

down on the bar, Vux goes run the whole bar cheers. What'd you get six dark third? You black out. You take one sip and the fermented whale fat just goes straight to your brain and you just cross your eyes and land on the floor. Damn it.

After a couple hours, you wake up and the rest of these guys have found. Is there a mirror anywhere near? Not in the bar. No, no one wants to look at themselves in this place. It was a bathroom. Sure. Or is there a little silverware

silverware that I can look at my reflection? I want to see if they drew dicks on me. Do a perception. I did do a perception check do a perception check even talking about uh 12 uh yeah you see what looks like a phallic blue ink outline on your forehead i gave him a tramp stamp dick and he can't see it there's another one I rub it off

you don't see it in mine there's a half-orc woman who you guys figure out has worked cannons before is she in a black dress half-orc woman in a black dress you fucking idiot what

I was trying to get a feel for it. I love when I get to work them out. All your dumb jokes should be puzzles. Answer me these questions three. Pink lady in blank. Hello? Fegmaw. Fegmaw?

Fegmaw, yeah. Fegmaw? Fegmaw. Can I call you Feg? I prefer maw if we have to shorten it. Thanks. But she says, yeah, I can work a cannon for you. Great.

Five gold a day just like your DM told you earlier would be anyone staff keep it simple how does she know her DM she turns to the camera sorry things got meta there for a second and you guys have a few options you can either get

you know someone who works at a restaurant an inn or a sort of specialty food shop if that's one thing you want for your chef. I think we want someone who's worked on a boat before, right? Ideally. Knows how to work with what they got. No, a landlubber who knows nothing but churros.

The only person who's been on a boat before works at the cheese and nut shop. I'll say. So they are used to the fermenting process and various other long-term food preservation. And their name is Jonkel. Jonkel. They work at Jonkel's Cheese and Nut. And Jonkel is willing to close up his shop.

He is a halfling. oh nice yeah he he says when you approach jonko he says yeah you know i haven't been on the sea in a while but uh i can keep you guys pretty well fed you know just just give me basic supplies and i can make it pretty close to home uh It's played by Steve Buscemi. Yeah. Cool. Check out Ghost World, you guys. It's on Criterion Classics now. Thanks.

Shut the fuck up, Tommy. Oh, man. All right. Okay, John Goodman. So here's my question. Are any of these people going to be fat enough to eat when we're at sea for three months I mean ma's got a more muscle than all of you except for Kweep she looks like she can handle herself pretty pretty well and maybe all I needed to know no further questions are so you guys are

gonna head north it sounds like on the sea yep great uh i'm gonna have you guys do every day of travel uh we're just gonna talk about what the plan is so are you guys going to try to stop at all before you head to the north sea you know it's going to take you uh at least five days to clear the North Coast. So if you want to just make a beeline without stopping, we can skip certain narrative aspects, and I will have you roll to see if you have a sort of random encounter or a narrative encounter if you get a certain thing happening.

Yeah, if there's highlights or whatever. Yeah. But yeah, I think we're going straight there. But what I will have happen. encounter if you get a certain thing yeah there's highlights or whatever uh yeah so uh but yeah i think we're going straight there but what i will have happen right is the admiral will do a survival check and the navigator will do a perception check don't you have um a plus now to survival yeah uh i would be uh assuming one of you might want to do navigation while TikTok is out although TikTok I think would be well suited for it when he is back

yeah well he's here TikTok's here so he should be rolling navigation he can I just thought it might be more fun if one of you guys wants to roll for TikTok I'll do my survival roll with my amulet I don't want that responsibility do you hear me Dan? no I was reading Chris Tall reading uh chris tallman

who loves timeboat he's telling us in text message form cool say it again i'll do my survival role with my uh amulet that i just acquired great uh and i'm looking up uh tiktok sheet if you guys want to make him the uh navigator i just assume when you want to roll for him, yeah? Sure. Low roll. Uh-oh. But it's still low. It's an 11. Great. So that's going to determine how interesting an encounter will be

based off this perception check, which will determine whether it blindsides you. TikTok's perception bonus. No, that's not right. It's the 13. That's what I got. He has a plus two, but also he is

shoot, what is it called? he got a feat for this see why don't one of you guys be navigator because I feel like tick tock has a feat that's good for being navigator but it's just going to complicate it somebody with somebody with a good perception bonus

I have a plus three to perception great and they rolled Plus three to perception. Great. And I rolled three. All right. You guys notice your first day that something keeps trying to grab the sides of your boats. As you guys are sailing north, there's some sort of weird creature that seems to be swimming alongside your boat. And it's like slapping tentacles against it, but it hasn't quite pulled it off yet.

Am I familiar with what it might be? Do a nature check. 16 plus 17? Seems like it's amphibian in nature. I know animals. I know the sea. Some sort of strange sea salamander that you've heard of but you can't quite place.

I got an 18 with a little perception. What kind of salamander are we talking about? A big green one. Like a human size? Bigger. Bigger like a humanoid, bigger, bigger, like, like a bigger than the ship, bigger. No, good. No problem.

Day two. Let's get a survival and a perception. Fourteen. Twenty. You notice they're not attacking the ship as much, almost as if they noticed that you noticed them, but they are swimming a little farther alongside the ship. There's two now.

Hmm. You notice, Dargther, that the seas ahead are getting quite colder and there is a mist ahead. Okay. Am I concerned? Yeah, I would be. About the mist? It could be icebergs.

Okay. Let's do day three, you guys. 23. Great. Holy shit, same thing. Nice. Yep. All right, so you guys are...

You're safe from attack at the moment. You don't think these things are going to salt the boat, but you do think you should do something proactive about these things that are tailing you. You feel like... You talk to Ma, and she she's like i think we ought to you know fire the cannons at these fuckers and get them off get them off our backs what do you say admiral uh we have a we have a ton of can or uh cannonballs right yeah okay i i have done that

you have 100 cannonballs which is just sort of my infinity number. Are they right up? Yeah, we have some more. We have our own things. Yeah, let's cast this. They are pretty far out. They're at a distance where the cannons might be the most effective. They're coming up against the ship. They were, but they noticed that they were being noticed, and they're keeping a distance of about 150 feet off either side of the boat. Ah, shit.

Port and starboard, if you will. Is there any way to communicate with them? 150 feet off either side of the boat. Ah, shit. Okay. Port and starboard, if you will. Is there any way to communicate with them? Like talk or sing or make... For you and you alone. Like are you saying if you could talk to the animals? Yeah, just imagine it. You can try, yeah. I'm going to say that'll be a animal handling check sir

which you have you have that you have a proficiency in that 19 plus 6 jesus christ 25 57 uh you call out and at first nothing and then this um this sort of dark rumble fires uh through the water. And all you really understand is that these things are here to eat and they want to climb on the boat and they're not interested in leaving. Hmm. Eat, huh?

Hmm. Like flesh, human flesh eating or half elf flesh eating. I mean, the sound of your voice seems to be making them hungry. Let's throw up some poison food. Can I try?

I like that thrown a poison food. No animal handling. I have it at this point. I would say Dr. Ud would advise you talking to them more

is going to only make them hungrier. Okay, so poison treats. Again, Ma is suggesting firing the cannons at these things. You could try throwing at poison treats, sure, but that's going to be a medicine check.

Let's try cannon, I guess, and see. I have a plus one to medicine. I have a poison spray, too. I have a plus five to medicine. There you go. Make some poison treats. I have a plus five to medicine. There you go. Make some poison treats. Is that what we want to start with?

I don't know. Do we have oil? Yes. You can set the ocean on fire? Yes. We can shoot flaming harpoons at them. Yeah. But then they just have to die. You do not have a harpoon gun that would get a harpoon.

You did not buy a harpoon. You have crossbows and such. Two cannons. Yeah. You do not have a harpoon gun that would get a harpoon. You did not buy a harpoon. You have two cannons. They also have to dive under. We have two cans. I feel like fire is not for a sea-based creature. You could set a cannonball on fire if you wanted to. They can just go in the water, right?

So what's the point? That's why I say we throw the poison treats yeah i'm fine to uh uh jonkel doesn't have that good of a medicine bonus he's not really good at poisoning food but he does say this seems like you'd maybe want to throw a few days meat over and then have it poisoned who wants to try poisoning i have a poison spray i could just coat it with poison okay oh nice poison poison poison medicine bonus well he sounds like he can he just has poison to try poisoning. I have a poison spray. I could just coat it with poison. Okay. Oh, nice. Poison, poison, poison, poison. Well, he sounds like he just has poison available magically

that he can toss in there. Spell it out. All right. So this is going to be another animal handling check. Goggles, everyone. Jonko gives you guys, remember, you had a 30-day supply of food. You burned two days at sea, and you're about to take two more days worth of food and chuck them over each side of the boat and do your animal handling

check whoever's tossing. I believe it's doctor who would brian's rolling dice anyway, so let's maybe stop for a second and who's actually it's fun to roll dice. 18 and 6. All right. So it attracts the attention of one of them. You throw it over the starboard side, and this thing swims top speed and gobbles it up, and it seems to very quickly just go far underwater. The other one seems angry. It sort of swims back and forth and you get the impression,

you see it's looking for the other one. It swims around the other side of the boat at about 100 feet distance, like deliberately far away from you, goes and disappears underwater in the same basic area the other one disappeared, comes back, and it is now chasing the back of your boat, getting closer.

You see a large green form behind your boat. How far? About 30 feet before you can stop and do something. I cast Thunderwave. We're going to need a bigger, faster boat. Tell us how Thunderwave sounds. A wave of thunderous force sweeps out

from each creature. Oh wait, not thunder wave, I'm sorry. I meant to say I cast bliss. No, it was very similar, but not. Shatter? Giant salamander killer.

Shatter's similar. Is it shatter? That's the sound one. Oh, yeah. No, the... Oh, yeah. You said 60 feet, right? Yep. Okay, yeah. It's shatter.

30. Yeah, but I mean within... Okay. Yeah, so shatter. Should do me. A sudden loud ringing noise painfully intense erupts from a point

within... of your choice within range. Each creature in a 10-foot radius sphere centered center that point must make a constitution saving through the wit the wit doesn't matter all right here comes the constitution saving why did we not do the oil earlier we could do it now it's close dive under oh right yeah still yeah also right now you're like a sort of initiating combat,

so whatever happens now is going to... You can do things like that, but it'll have to do it on a turn. It fails its saving throw. Okay. Good. Saving throw brought to you by Forks. That's a cool... Pick up food.

Put it in your mouth. Don't touch it. Forks. Oh, and I'm going to get Hashinka's mini. She's going to help you. It only did 10 damage. That's something. That's something.

Success, success, success. What was it? How much damage? 10 points of damage. I really like our new prop. It's awesome. Yeah, it's pretty cool you mean the time boat

throw Hashinka on the back of the boat Hashinka part of living or that alright so it's a Bond theme there's a loud

Jesus shink bang in the water where you cast and for a moment the giant green blob dips underneath the waves you feel like maybe you scared it off and then after a moment of silence there is

an explosion of water as it erupts towards the back of the boat. Time for everybody to roll for initiative. Cannon it, cannon it. 20. Plus. Yikes guys

What the hell is that By the way here comes this little boy Oh no 24 Alright you got 24 What'd you get Queep 4 What'd you get Halcine

18 What'd you get, Helsene? 18. Bringing up the rear. What'd you get, Uwud? 23. It's a monster. Hey, who's got that amulet of water breathing going on? 24. Why? You want me to get in there?

No, I'm just saying somebody's got an amulet of water breathing in case somebody gets pulled in. So whoever gets pulled in, make sure you got the amulet. Grab it on the way. Yeah. Oh, getting grabbed. Give me a little help. This search for stuff brought to you by spoons.

Perfect for soup or other liquid that you can't pick up with your hands. Spoons. Keeps liquid in one place for your mouth. Doctor pulls out his lute and goes, dude. You're up first, Doctor. I'm going to

cast a little thing called I'm going to cast a little thing called... I'm going to look at the sky and say, it's a wonderful night for a moonbeam. And then Van Morrison is going to start playing and everybody's going to leave. I'll probably just go to the parking lot and have a cigarette. What do you do, Darkthor? I don't have range weapons on me.

Are there stuff like... You said we didn't have a harpoon, right? Correct. You have two cannons and... The cannons are off on the side. They're mounted on starboard import. They're both facing up. right? Correct. You have two cannons and they're mounted on starboard and port. They're both facing up. Originally, both of these things were swimming about 100 feet out on either side and now he's

Can we move it loose? Can we bring a cannon around? You can roll a strength check with advantage to help Ma drag it back or let her do it on her own. Help. Can I do more than one action? No, right? Correct.

Did this thing make it save against my moonbeam? All right. When did you cast moonbeam? When he was talking about... Yeah, my Van Morrison joke. I did not hear you cast that. I was completely checked out. He said moonbeam. when he was talking about yeah my Van Morrison joke I did not hear you cast

I was completely checked out we're going to have to make that wait for combat order because I didn't hear it okay sure um I was going to cast darkness on that uh no

he's 23 he's 23. He's 24. TikTok also got 24. Wow. Do we have another person? Did we hire another person besides the chef and the... No. No, just two. Okay, just two.

What's the holdup? What's happening? He's working out what he's going to do. Our NPC is morsel and hors d'oeuvre. I'm going to cast darkness, but I'm going to say let's get the cannon back here out loud. All right. Will you put Ma up there?

She's going to just be... So put her between the two ropes. On whichever side Darkthor's on, I guess the other one, because she's hauling a cannon back. So she's going to be attempting... It's going to take her basically two turns to get the cannon to the back

yeah and I cast darkness at its face like at its eyes you would know as a sailor if you cast darkness while the ship is moving it's going to disappear over pretty quick you can't have the darkness stick to the boat.

The dark there doesn't really have anything to... You don't have a ranged weapon? I don't on this list. No, I don't think you had one. Alright. I would say you do think

this thing could potentially be in physical range soon. Or melee range. Throw a cannonball at it. Again, the cannon will get to the back of the boat faster if you run back and help her. Oh, wait. They do have daggers. Throwing daggers?

Yeah. You could throw a dagger at that shit. Just speed up the cannon. help with the cannon yeah okay well that's that seems like the best thing to do so I go back and help my king you can bring her halfway and put dark so next to her sorry so wishy-washy no worries we should use this sometimes the the timer yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like a five minute timer. We need a quicker one. Yeah, we need like a 30 second timer.

30 second timer that's like gothic like this. This thing's so fucking cool. 50 timers with people being like, please God, yes. No, put a dragon on him though. TikTok is going to fire an arrow at this motherfucker. Oh, that'll be a hit. So you see

Tick Tock loose an arrow. He does seven points of damage against this face. Dr. Uid, you're up. My previous comment stands about the moonbeam Let's cast it and tell the audience how it sounds, so what is

the flavor text on this sweet baby? Silvery beam of pale light shines down at a five foot radius forty foot high cylinder centered on a point within range until the spell ends. Dim light fills the cylinder when a creature enters the spill area for the first time on a turn or starts to turn there. It's engulfed in ghostly flames that cause searing pain like my marriage and

must make a constitution saving throw like my marriage takes 2d 10 radiant damage on a what's your spell save DC. He got a 16 14. So he does it mean he evades it? What does it say again? I guess that means he evades it. If he half as much damage, okay, so I failed to roll your damage and he takes half. He's sloshing around in the water so fast that he manages to roll out of the way. Nine. All right, so he's going to take five points.

All right, so it is his turn. He is going to haul himself up on deck and try to knock back Dr. Uwud. Hmm. So interesting. on deck and try to knock back Dr. Uwud. Interesting. That is a 24. Is that a hit? Is it?

Yup. Alright. He knocks you back. You take 10 points of bludgeoning damage. Yep. Is he still on deck? Yeah. Yeah. So now he gets

about halfway to you and Ma on your cannon. He is now here. Jesus. I hate it he's also he's always peeing my hand too going to try to bite Dr. Uwud

he gets to with this? uh huh he's very large he gets to be an asshole uh 26 Jesus jeez He's very large. He gets to be an asshole. 26. Jesus. Jeez. Jeez.

23 points of piercing damage. It's Dr. Urid. You all right alright buddy? You still standing? I'm gonna need some good berries Are you conscious? Yeah I'm okay I'm being cool about it

Halcine you're up Okay I'm gonna cast Gust of Wind Okay A line Cause I'm right here Uh huh A line of strong wind

60 feet long And 10 feet wide Blasts from any direction you choose. Each creature that starts to turn on the line must exceed a strength saving throw. Be pushed 15 feet away from you in a direction following the line. Okay.

Yeah. Hopefully that. He rolled a one, natural one. He gets a plus six to his strength, but that does not matter. Natural one is a natural one, motherfucker. He plus six to his strength but that does not matter natural one's a natural one motherfucker so he's getting pushed where um he gets pushed um 15 feet away from me and then within the so i assume that means off is there a size limit does it say anything about

creatures bigger than you or anything like that um no it's just a strength saving throw this is a huge monstrosity should it be well it's a line of strong wind, 60 feet long and 10 feet wide. Oh, well, sassafras. Any creature in the line must spend two feet of movement for every one foot it moves while moving closer to you. And he gets knocked back. So he's back in the ocean, if I'm not mistaken. Yeah, I think.

So its duration is up to one minute. Okay, well, this is definitely long enough so you can if i would as a bonus action at the end on each of my turns before the spell ends i can change the direction in which the line's going from me okay cool if he tries to come back around i can turn and it will still be well right now you get to place him back in the water yeah so i'm throwing him back i assume you would enjoy the satisfaction of removing him from your boat. So he is down, but right there indeed. And stay off.

Did, did tick tock attack? Oh, he did. He hit it in the face with an arrow. Yeah. Beautiful. All right.

So, uh, that is going to take us to, if I am not mistaken, Maw is going to help you move the cannon the rest of the way. If you want to put the cannon right at the edge, you can move Maw and Dark Thurd to the lip right there, and the cannon will be on that plank yeah right kind of where that right between

them um how about we represent the cannon with a skittle so uh if you just sweet we're almost done but it'll be it'd be funny to put a skittle cannon i want to eat it i wish there was a skittle cannon if that thing get oh noittle cannon. If that thing gets in that thing's mouth, it's really going to go Oh my god, it's hot! It's mildly spicy and somewhat tropical. It's a weird chemical thing to it.

Alright, so Hoshinka is going to swing at it. It is in melee range now because it is like half

reaching up trying not to be knocked down. It gets knocked down. But it gets up again. It drinks a whiskey. So she got a 15 and it's AC is 14 that's a hit that hit brought to you by bushes what a trees just too much. Try Bush. Bush will make her shrubs. She does 19 points of slashing damage. Nice.

Indeed. Alright, so, Queep, you're up. I will chop this thing. Is it in melee range? Yeah, you gotta scoot Queep up. You gotta put him right where the cannon is. By the skittle.

Queep and Hoshinka are both crowding around the Skittle, I guess. It's getting crowded up here. It is getting crowded. I don't want to break off anyone's hair. You guys don't mind. I'll go up here. I'll take a photo of everybody before we break so we remember how the arrangement is.

Yeah, I did. 14. Jesus, it sounded like an earthquake. Plus 5. 19. That is definitely a hit. Sounded like that black hole that they took a picture of hit the table there when you rolled that.

That thing must weigh a ton. That black hole. How can a hole weigh so much nine all these questions and more will be answered so you bust out your axe and just wail across one of its eye

stalks and it's got a little like multi eye stalk going on who amongst you's got a decent passive perception? TikToks is merely a 12. Anybody?

13. Can anybody beat a 15? No. Where's passive perception at then? Bottom left. Bottom left, top number. Okay. 13.

I got a 14. All right. Well, unfortunately, none of you noticed this in time. But coming up from the front of the boat. All right. Fuck. It's this friend. Oh, God.

And there we will take a break. How could there be two of such things? Son of a bitch. We got one of them and he went under the boat. They're lovebirds. Ugh. I will say he's taken some poison damage. The poisoned one. Alright.

That'll be episode 16 when we get to battle these two fucking giant green dicks, right? Hey Sam, what do you think happened for this episode? I think I have a pretty good grasp of this one. Alright.

The episode opens. Here are my notes. Wait, are we the mayor? Oh shit, there's a boat. Now we're stalking the boat. Now we're talking about the boat. A lot of this game is like Oregon Trail. We talked for 10 minutes off air and still went with timeboat.

We sang to some rats. We're looking for boat staff and drinking the beer that knocked Halcyon out. We met some people named Ma and Jonkel, and we're off. And already something is slapping the side of the boat. We're figuring out how to hurt them. I think Blaine just said he has hands that make poison because this game rules. We fed one and the other one is pissed off. And now we're routinely shooting at it and poking it and making it more mad.

And it's up on the boat. We got it off the boat. Now there's another one on the front of the boat. Yeah, pretty much. That was it. Yeah, you nailed it it this game is the best episode 15 season 3 uh thanks for listening uh thanks for supporting us on uh patreon if you do and if you don't please check it out there's a bunch of uh cool incentives

um money for college. Yeah. No, just thanks, you guys. That's it. Thanks for listening to another episode of Nerd Poker. You can follow us at patreon.com slash nerdpoker, and you get bonus episodes from there. And you can also, uh,

send us anything at P.O. Box one six zero six nine. And Sino, California, nine one four one six. Thanks for listening. Hi, this is Brian Poussain. You're listening to Brian Poussain's Nerd Poker.

It's me, Brian Poussain. All right, your friends are here. Sarah? Hi. Ken? Hi. Dan? Hi. hi ken hi dan hi blaine hi it's me sarah i'm missing chris blaine you just supposed to say your own name oh your own name are you ready that got really complicated when brian refused to say hi as sarah i thought that was clearly