Nerd Poker - Episode 16 - Toasty!

Episode Date: August 1, 2017

The pyrotechnics just keep on comin' as the assault on Count Bariss' castle reaches its epic climax. There are not just damage rolls to be made, but also many, many charisma checks as the party confronts a special someone in sparkly armor. How many wombats with human faces will get cleaved in twain? Will anyone walk away from this encounter not-undead? Only time will tell.

Hey, it's Brian Possehn. I used to have a podcast where I played Dungeons & Dragons with a bunch of my friends. I missed it, so I decided to make a new one. It's called Brian Possehn's Nerd Poker. It's myself, a couple of my buddies, Blank and Patch, Dan Telfer, Ken Daly, an occasional guest or two, and we're gonna be playing in a new setting, my dining room. Each week you'll hear my wife, my son, my dogs, and we're gonna be playing in a place that I love and playing the game that I've loved half my

life, Dungeons & Dragons. We've got 5th edition and we're ready. So are you ready? Here's Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker. Hey everybody, it's Brian Poussaint and you're listening to episode 16 of Brian Poussain's Nerd Poker. Hey, friends. Hi, you. Hi, there. Ken.

Yeah. Dan. Yeah. Blaine. It's 16. It's beautiful, and it's yours. Episode 16. So we just finished 15 in real life.

IRL, right? No, it's BRB. Wait, where'd you go? Ken just left. Oh, he's back. Okay, I'm back. He did say RB. So, uh... BRB. What happened in 15? Wasn't she

mauled? A fucked up whale spider? Yeah. Yeah, so, so... We descended some stairs and then we... Some ladders and... We found a tunnel. We got to a throne room.

We were checking out a throne room. And you've been greeted in the throne room by Bistel the Magnificent. Yeah, and he's talking about his father. He wants to defend his father we're guessing is barris and everybody that barris creates uh calls him father that's what i'm guessing um and uh this guy uh just knocked back uh bode but you took some real healthy chunks out of them and um let's say you're still in combat.

I took seven points, yeah. Oh, yeah. So who's up next? Oh, and just for funsies, I'll also tell you, you have so far done 33 points of damage to this guy. Good. I think Ken's up, right? Ken is up. Let's get right into it

okay you are across from him yes just greased to the floor yes now I will grease is the floor is the floor I will cast a ray of sickness upon him. All right. He is going to roll against it. Arby's cadaver. I will say Bistel has a penalty to his wisdom and intelligence rolling saving throws, so this will be interesting. Yeah, he feels that real good so he starts eight and five points of poison damage so he turns to you as you as you shoot at him and he takes it right in the face gets it right in the face, gets it right in his eyes,

and he tries to jump at you as it hits him. He's got a greasy floor. Exactly. So he's got to roll his dex, let's say a difficulty of 13. He just barely gets out of the grease. But as he approaches you, he's going to roll another kind of save,

and he fails that. He falls on his chin as the sickness hits his stomach, and he pukes dead fish all over you. So he lands right in front of you and just about a metric ton of dead fish and lobster casings all over you. Jesus. Blaine, you're up.

Last time I mixed some bourbon and red lobster. Is that how you fuck Beyonce? Yeah. So he failed the save, yeah? Yeah. That means he's poisoned until the end of my next turn.

Okay. Does that mean I get damage each time? Can I shoot an arrow at his... May I shoot an arrow? I'm sorry. May I shoot an arrow? Please, at his may I shoot an arrow I'm sorry may I shoot an arrow please mother may I shoot an arrow please mother may I shoot an arrow at his eye

yes you may 14 that will what is your dex bonus my dex bonus is plus 5 great

so then you do make you hit him right in the eyeball What's in what's an arrow the eyeball that already got hit or a different eyeball the second is this other eyeball? Yeah, they both been here. Actually. I'm gonna the side of the room. You're on this is gonna be the same eyeball Okay, sure. Yeah, I'll just make sure it's popped. Well if you do Five more points of damage, this eyeball is toast. I'm trying to think. Is there an arrow?

I can look it up. Are they 1d6? Yeah. Six. Boom. 6-6. You blind son. The number of the hour. The number of the beast. 6-6". You blind son. The number of the eye. The number of the beast.

6'6". So his eye goes... And vomits fish all over Ken. Another couple of barracuda eyeballs splash across Ken's face. But you're up, Bodhi. Should I roll his damage again? Ken's face and you're up Bodhi no he's gonna take the same damage ever around from there any soft part on him your best yes as you said his AC was high as a trained barbarian you're looking at him and you're thinking he looks a little more exoskeletal on the legs. Oh, okay.

So the body is probably softer. You fired me in his thorax. But he does look like he's got kind of like a spider fur all over his body. So you're not sure if there's more hard casing in there. Where is he? He's on the table he tried to jump the table to bite Ken's head off and he tripped and puked all over Ken but he's on his stomach with his legs kind of flailing around he's

trying to get back up but one of his legs is badly okay I'm gonna look for a soft spot and just stab all right I'm gonna say you because he is partially incapacitated you can use an action. You can do a perception check just to try and find a soft spot. So why don't you roll a 20 with a difficulty of 12? Okay. Roll the flower. What's your perception bonus?

Roll him, roll him, roll him. No, just a one. So, ten. So, yeah, you just look at him and you're like, yep, his body somewhere probably. You feel like maybe you could get in between carapace parts maybe? Like you can... Okay. But you're not 100% sure you found a soft spot.

Okay. I'm going to stab. Go, please. So, that's a 16 that'll do it Again, his armor class is 17. But with your bonus here, or did you use that with or without your but that was my bonus included Oh, well then unfortunately, oh wait, so but no, but I did I I rolled in 11 and then it's my strength bonus, right? Mm-hmm. Yes. He has a C of 17. Okay, so now

Yeah, you can't quite find purchase He Rolls a 19 and gets back on his feet and he is now straddling the table He is doesn't he can't do Are there any torches on the wall? Yes. And he's in Greece, right? He's coated in Greece. All right.

Well, I know what I'm going to do my next turn. Ken, you're up. You're going to jerk off the stalker, Channing? He takes another round of poison damage at this point. Sure. And that's it. Rain on your parade But I'm going to shoot a fireball down

Go ahead I don't need to kill him, I just want him dead Also, Didi Khan Jerk off to Didi Khan Didi Khan 1D10 She's like 80 now, probably Yeah, well, she wasn't always 80

Go for it He's going to try a saving throw. Jesus. He failed a saving throw. She played Frenchie, right? Okay. And then I'm

going to roll to see if he catches on fire. Choose another stop. Woo-hoo! choose another stuff your friend here his stomach is that like a Mortal Kombat noise Toasty Toasty the little head pops up and the game developer yells Toasty

and yeah the side of his head flickers and it starts to light up. It's the side where he had his good eye so he starts waving his head back and forth. Fucking spider wheel.

Blaine, you're up. Take that. I'm going to fly down I guess where his softest part of his head and just sort of sword him on it. Go for it.

Armor class 17, remember. Eight. Nope. But I have a minus two strength. That modifier does not help. All right. So your sword just kind of glances off of his head as he thrashes it around. I'm going to look to camera and go, next time I'm just going to shoot him with another arrow.

And then like, to everything, turn, turn, turn. Right before you attack Buddy, you notice Gago starts approaching. He's been hanging back, and he looks like he's thinking about doing something. What are you going to do, Gago? I was thinking I was going to make this guy even more sick. Okay, go ahead. He's like, you want to go first, bro? Sure. You go first, bro. Okay, go ahead right now. He said you want to go first, bro Sure you go first, bro. Okay. I got a fun. I do I'm gonna rage on him go for it

Attack number two Fucking worse than your greatsword just swings back and forth against his head and just kind of clang clang off of his armor. Gago. Clang clang clang. I thought you didn't like musicals. Gago on the other hand. I know them. That's why I hate them. Gago as this thing reels back.

I've been doing sketch comedy for 30 years. Oh, you call that a resume? Come on, whatever. So we know. comedy for 30 years. Oh, you call that a resume? Come on, whatever. Were you an extra in Kids in the Hall? What are you even talking about? This thing reels back and screams because now his whole head is starting to catch on fire, though.

At this point, Gago flies inside of its mouth. Uh-oh. Oh, Gago flies inside of its mouth. Uh-oh. Oh, Gago. Gago is a real asshole, you realize. I like him. You didn't used to. I know. I've come around. He's useful.

He's useful. Now that he's on our side mostly, I still don't trust him as far as I can throw him. You didn't invite him to fight with you before. He didn't want to go underground, basically. So when you took him underground, he chickened out. But now he's enjoying getting in some scraps. He all of a sudden starts gagging the monster.

Starts going, And you get the impression that perhaps Gago is trying to stab this thing in the uvula this thing attempts to focus the new dice tower does not like

the giant wizards of the coast 20 sighteds and he's unable to regain focus as he continues to gag on the fairy in his throat. I did that once. We were just talking about Rod's throat. That was 20 years ago. Hey, Dan, you got any more setups?

Oh, my goodness. Hey, Blue Mii. All right. Good, good, good, good. So you go to Paris, France. Get a million dollars. All of a sudden, the door that this guy ripped off its hinges

starts flooding with little wombats with human faces. Yuck. And about 20 of these things rush in the room. flooding with little wombats with human faces. And about 20 of these things rush in the room. And they are all screaming this high-pitched childlike scream. Oh, God, it was like that time the busboys sang Happy Birthday to Me at Cheesecake Factory. What do you guys want to do? Was it the actual band, the busboys, from 48 Hours?

It was Mars Day and most of the time. 20 of them have just entered the room. The fuck? I could tell they were... The boys are back in town. Are they little tiny things? The boys are back in town. That's not as good as the...

They all are furry. There's no leathery ones. Is that good? Was that good or bad? Only I really know, Ken. Is this guy dead, though? No, not yet. He's howling and on fire, and he's gagging because Gago is stabbing him in the throat.

And then how many of these would all 20 um jesus christ that's the sound that uh bistel is making and his uh throat is being shredded um they all uh start swarming towards you down a bunch down a bunch of soda? I don't care. Do you ignore them? No. I guess I'm turning my attention on them. You've all got to turn to figure out what to do as these things start to form

a cloud in Bodhi's direction. Right. They're all about the size of a chihuahua, but fat. 20 fat chihuahu but fat 20 fat chihuahuas 25 chihuahuas with human faces gross I'm gonna start and they're all kicking and stabbing kicking and stabbing sweet crying I'm moving on them back at our tube you think if you time it right you can hit maybe half of them at once.

I'm going to try to do that. Here's what I want you to do. That was almost Foster Brooks. I stumbled over one of the words and it made it sound weird. I'm going to try to do that. I'm going to try to do that.

With an armor class of 10. I am learning to try to do that. Roll to attack. I'm going to try to do that. With an armor class of 10. You're not Starman, are you? I am learning to talk. Roll to attack with armor class of 10, and then roll a 10 to see how many you hit. Say it again? Roll to attack an armor class of 10, and then roll a 10 to see how many you hit.

Okay. Oh, man. I'm rolling shit tonight. So that's one attack. You got one more. Yeah. Boom. Okay, so roll a 10 and see how many of these little fellas you hit.

Just one of them. A 10-sided. Yep. That's what's in. a ten sided yep okay roll damage all these guys are gonna you just rolled a five so five of these guys are about to take the same damage that you roll from my sword so

six plus I'm not raging So it's two to the second. Six plus... Well, I'm not raging, so it's eight. So you basically cut five of these things in half. Yay. And the other 15 continue to scream as they run back out the door. Bad idea, bad idea. And as these things are cut... Let's finish this spider dick.

...in half on the floor. Spider whale dick or whatever. Well, he's only got four legs. As they're cut in half on the floor, they all turn into wombats with wombat faces. I'm sorry? Human faces disappear. Oh, yeah.

Now I feel bad for them. Not really. Just wombats. Just trying to make ends meet. Just trying to make wombs bats. Just working a shift. Bistel is dying. Should we just leave him alone and let him die?

What if I shit in his blowhole? He's on fire. You'd probably get a hemorrhoid. That's too bad. Butt hair's on fire. Alright, I'm not going to shit in his blowhole. You can try. butt hairs on fire.

Alright, I'm not going to shit in his blowhole. You can try. He does present his blowhole to you. Then I will. If I can, I will. What are you going to say? I'm not going to shit in his blowhole. He weeps softly as your anus produces.

And I say, goodnight to you, sir. And he chokes quietly on your feces that didn't just happen I'm surprised you said I'm surprised you could that you could crimp one off while you were under so much stress also you can't even do it if you take 30 in the stall and somebody comes in take 34 points in fire damage as you attempt to shit in his blowhole. Do you snake the blowhole? No, if you just wait a turn he dies. He just burns it and

slumps over. He's shitting his blowhole. We could all shit in his blowhole now. We all got the image. Where's the challenge of shitting in a dead thing's blowhole? Where's the fun? It's as easy as shitting in a dead thing's blowhole. Where's the fun? It's as easy as shitting in blowholes.

As he dies, you all feel a tingle as you reach level five. So that's going to be fun. I just have a medicated dandruff shampoo spell. But

someone else walks into the room. Is it a man of distinction real it is live wire uh a seven foot tall man enters the room he's he's wearing a sort of bright metal armor um and he has long hair and a long beard and a big square jaw, and he says, what have you done? Who are you? Well, I shit in your son's blowhole for A. It's the worst promposal ever. Who are you?

I am the governor. What do you want? You've slain my children. Yeah, well, they're shitty children. What do you mean, shitty? Where's your kids? They were unpleasant. I bet your kids are real bad at crayon drawings.

Let's see them. We're looking for... This is the guy, right? Governor Barris? Is it Governor Barris? drawings let's see him we're looking for uh this is the guy right i mean governor barris is it governor barris he calls himself uh the governor because he governs the other vampires got it oh i see but he is he is uh the count of this area he is the local royalty he and he he brags that he's given eternal life to these creatures in an attempt for them to experience what's left of the universe

you guys distract them while I run for my life well this is what we wanted this is the guy we were looking for so have you come to slay me or do you have some other purpose or are you have some other purpose? Or are you just murderers?

Purpose. Trying to restore the land to its former state. I have murdered none today. How many have you murdered? Well, counting them. That's a good question. It's like six. Six? Some more.

There was some we pushed over. A couple were manslaughter. What time of the day is it right now? Are you counting from noon or from midnight? Time is eternal here. That is why I gift infinite life. There is no o'clock. O'clock.

God, I hate this guy. He pulls a sword out of his sheath, and you get a really weird vibe off this guy. You don't think he was a human before he was a vampire. There's something weird about this guy. He's got not like an elven quality, but like not normal. Do we think we're outranked here? I mean, is he?

He's only seven feet tall. He's very tall. He's very broad shoulders. He's built like Dwayne Johnson. He's got a face on the back of his neck? Oh, Dwayne the Rock Johnson. Just regular Dwayne Johnson. Dwayne Johnson when he had the fanny pack and the fade.

18-year-old Dwayne Johnson. Break me in half. in the fade. 18-year-old Dwayne Johnson. Well? Well? Well. Gago? Yeah? He flies out of the thing's mouth.

I had some real fun in there, man. Good. Flying this guy's mouth. It was embarrassing about that. He's like, oh shit. It's Count He's like Oh shit It's Count Barris Go get his autograph I don't want to sound stupid

I want to look like a fanboy What do we do guys I didn't expect him to just walk in I thought we were going to just walk in. He didn't think much of us wanted to return the... I thought we were going to sneak up on him. Wanting to return the land to its former state? I think when his son ripped the door off the throne room, some attention was drawn.

Right, okay. Anybody else in the room? He doesn't have anybody guarding him. He just walked in on his own. After... Why did I come in here again? own after after he he sort of once once a bunch of the wombat people ran out the door he came in okay yeah he's in the doorway he's right here there's a big dead orca spider laying on the table. Where's his blowhole? Pointed upwards towards heaven.

Well, what do we say? For Glennismore and just run out? I think we're going to have a big fight here. I don't think he... But why did he ask what our purpose is? That's why I'm saying... You've come into my home. What is it you want?

We're here to bring the land back to its former splendor. This land has fallen into darkness for some time. Yeah, I know. What would you do to make it better? We're trying to get rid of the darkness. Would you free me from my curse? Sure. How do we do that?

Well, you'd have to slay the Demolith. We thought we would at some point, but... Do you... Is the Demolith at work today or is it home? The Demolith has a castle in the western continent. It's guarded by another one of the vampires. Do you want to be freed from your curse? I didn't think such a thing was possible

until someone broke into my home, slayed my children, and told me they wanted to bring light to this land. Well, that's what we're all about, my friend. We are willing to help you if you want to work with us. Really high charisma. My charisma's huge.

18 plus 6, bonus. His charisma's 19. No, no, no, no, 19. He walks up to the throne And sits on it And he keeps holding his sword And stares at you And he says Very well

I will help you slay the Demolus Let's do this Sorry about your creatures. We thought we were, anyway. He tells you some interesting stuff. Mm-hmm. He had sort of taken charge when the Demolith left the earthly plane.

And he says that the Demolith struck a deal with Mananan McLeer. Mananan McLeer told this land and all of its inhabitants that he would spare it from the the end of the world but they would only have a limited time and the demolits said uh if you allow me to bring infinite numbers of people here my minions will grant them infinite life i love them and they will continue to enjoy your land and reluctantly mononym Monon and McLear agreed. And so the Demoliths struck a deal with Monon and McLear that basically slaves would continually be shipped to this land

and provided to the vampires. And Barriss' deal is he thought all animals deserved sentience and to appreciate what was left of the universe. So he provided necromancy that allowed even the lesser creatures of amina human consciousness and that's why they all had faces and uh-huh some of them uh more human consciousness and others the ones with the heads of animals uh had uh lesser intelligence um and merely part of a human consciousness and he had to borrow the sentience of many humans but he believes he's a good judge of character and knows which animals

deserve their sentience more than humans he also says many of these sentiences were borrowed from elves which he despises and he looks at you tweet and apologizes but he has a long burned a whole shoe he says he has a long history with the lunar elves in the lands just west of here that makes him disgusted well I think those are the guys guys made mad I gotta be honest moon elves, those lunar elves can suck my dick off. He says things have changed a lot. Yeah, my dick's gone. Long before he was turned into a vampire some hundreds of years ago,

he used to be a knight of good alignment. And he regrets many of his dark choices. These elves used to be evil, and since they have parted ways with their god, they have become less evil. So he says, it's up to you who you choose to side with, but if you have the strength and the interest

in freeing this entire land it's the first he certainly has not heard anything so ambitious from those granola crunching pieces of shit off in the woods yeah don't get me started on those gm pos flip-flops are not shoes he says he's invited emissaries to discuss the future of Amina and every time the meetings have broken down in bloodshed. He has no interest in dealing with these elves anymore.

Perhaps in the future you can rule or at least reside in peace. He thinks you're going to need an army to take the Demolith's castle. The Demolith's castle is in the swamp, um, uh,

to the, the Southwest, not far from the docks actually where you came in, but the swamp is guarded by monsters and, um, undead army, uh, that he is unaware of the exact size,

none of the other vampires, but the one who helps guard the Demolith, know exactly what is there because they're not allowed. The Demolith's assistant vampire would come to meetings at the other vampire castles. But what's his name? What's that vampire's name? That vampire's name is Count Fenzen.

And he lives in... Can I see the map real quick? I keep forgetting the name of this. It's the Marshes of Goldoos, and Count Fenzen is very quiet, very deadpan, dry. No one knows that much about Count Fenzen, but he's a sort of ambassador to the Demolith.

He thinks there is hope for the armies. He says he has heard the elves to the southeast are more palatable. There is a small but less confrontational population of wood elves to the southeast. And just south of Misery's Finger, there are actually a small population of drow. And you can attempt to convert them to your side as well though if you don't like evil those drow are most certainly evil and will have to be bribed most likely to uh okay unite against gold uh he says he has gold too um he has never bothered with the drow for they're on the other

side of the mountains and he has enough uh on his plate dealing with the lunar elves but um he thinks you know with with actual warriors who have some sort of skill he might be able to uh convince the drought to have a battle of strength or something like that and they're they're very proudful people he also says there are there's an equally small population of only like 50 or so uh highborn elves in the mountains to the north but he uh he finds them a little disgusting and he's not sure he wants to do it they're hoity-toity let's go let's go for the the the ones that we think uh yeah let's try to enlist some uh list an army yeah um he he tells you also he doesn't think the drows are he thinks the odds of you converting another vampire are not good um there are uh there's not just Count Fenzen, but there's Count Dindle,

a very egotistical vampire in the mountains to the northwest, and Count Zelor, whose castle is on an island to the northeast. Andor and Zelor. Dindle, Zelor, and Fenzen are the other three surviving vampires. And he thinks... They're all just bad, bad. Yeah, he says, you know, one thing he has going for him as a vampire is he has always lived in Amina. These others are travelers who have found their way here.

But he was once a dwarf who lived here. That's why he had all the dwarf books. Yeah, but through necromancy he has made himself uh of larger stature that's a little self-hating cool they're little people um well see i had a feeling about this guy um all right so kind of glad we didn't try to kill him and get murdered by him. Yeah, exactly. I assumed you were going to try to kill him.

Or that he would kill you. I had such an insane plan. What was his AC? I'll use it on the next one. It's great. His AC... If it works, it's going to be spectacular. It's high.

He's high. He had a very, very high AC. Okay, well, that's going to be spectacular. That's high. He's high. He had a very, very high AC. Okay, well, that's good when he's fighting the Shedheads. He's wearing nice armor, so he has a natural 16 plus some armor. So, yeah, he said, take your pick. He suggests there's the Wood Elves, the Drow, or the Highborne. take your pick he suggests there's the wood elves the drow or the highborn the highborn will have more powerful spells but are going to be the most prideful of the three they're also likely to be of uh good alignment that could be working for you there are the drow who are guaranteed to be

evil but are the second most prideful um they are the largest in number. And then there are the wood elves who are chaotic good, but also small in number, but maybe the easiest to get on your side. I fear the draw might be turned. Okay. And we'll lose them all and they'll turn on us. I think the high elves will sell us to someone. Yeah.

So let's go with the wood elves. Yeah. Wood elves? Wood elves? Hair lips. He says he will provide anything you need in the way of mounted steeds. With human faces? But, yeah, he says...

And he has a bit of an army himself, doesn't he? He does. He does. He says he only has a few requests if he is to loan you anything. Okay. One, there will be no more bloodshed amongst his children. He understands

your mission required you to shed blood here today and he has lost many children before so he is willing to make a sacrifice in the name of change. But he says that if there's any further bloodshed he will

dispose of any idea of hope that he sees in you. He says he wants something in return. He says, you have taken my finger today by robbing me of my children. I want something from you that you have not already stolen from my stores. The fidget spinner. Give him the fidget spinner. This is amazing. Look at it go.

Hopefully, peace in the land will be, will go some ways towards getting something from us. But we'll figure something out. And what's the name of the guy that left us? Oh, Lekas. Lekas. We should see if Lekas is on board with this idea.

Yeah. Because it goes with his alignment, I think. He says you could either... He says, where is this? Where is this where is this like us he took off he was a little disappointed with our behavior but but we're trying to do better where where did he take off where is he where he went he left he left after he left after the uh the elf fire elf fire yeah the uh

The elf fire. Elf fire. Yeah, we... Those elves you don't like, we kind of burn their territory. I like you even more. If he is with the elves, I am not interested in visiting those elves. I'll send a messenger, but I can't guarantee that Lekas will hear any message. Okay. You're welcome to go find him yourself,

but I would like to send you some steeds and let us head to the southeast to talk to these wood elves. Sure, let's recruit. So he's very wary of you, but he gets off his throne and he walks out into the courtyard. All of his subjects are just quivering messes. he's very wary of you, but he gets off his throne and he walks out into the courtyard. All of his subjects are just quivering messes. They're fucking terrified of you guys.

Um, and, um, yeah, there's a, there's a few of them wear capes, but mostly it's just human faces on little animals. Uh,

it's just really fucking gross. Um, I have a question. Yeah. Who rescued who? Um, some, really fucking great I have a question yeah who rescued who some giant Katie did praying mantis looking things with human faces fly over the wall towards count Barris they're like they're ten feet tall there they look horrible the drawbridge comes down and some they look like reindeer with stilt legs they're not they're not the same as the smaller deer that you encountered earlier they look more grandiose they've got giant antlers but they're still dark gray they have haunted

looking eyes and they're like 20 feet tall and he tells tells you, I see one amongst you can fly. I think you should have no problem mounting these beasts. They will carry you to the southeast in times much faster than your feet could carry you. Yeah, with those legs. I mean, think about it. Yeah, they're a big stride. All right. Let's ride on down.

I might throw up on this thing while I'm on it. Oh, yeah. We got to get you cleaned up. Oh, yeah. I'm covered in fish barf. Gago thinks all of this is fucking hilarious. And he's just laughing and laughing. Barris kind of grimaces.

I mean, he's like, what? You would bring this clown with you? What is this? He's actually been pretty helpful. He's all right. You'd be surprised. Ugh. Yeah, I know.

He helped us kill your kid. I'm sorry. He goes, what's that? Nothing. He helped us with some things we did, he said. Great. So he reckons that within three days on these steeds, you'll most likely need to rest for you do not have the eternal life

that your steeds do. Heal up. Rest, heal, learn spells. I'd like to, while I'm resting, study this warlock. Delia. Oh, the cape? this warlock Delia oh the Cape I can the warlock spell I've got a he was showing me I gotta cure wounds I've got a song of run down seven your your cape allows you one extra action per encounter so you can pick a turn to spend an extra action it encounter. So you can pick a turn

to spend an extra action. It can't be every turn. Got it. But once per encounter, you can have one extra action. And this can be a combat action. Cool. Awesome. So I'll wear the cape and then

can I study the warlock spell without learning it or is that learning it to determine what this war the warlock spell he found you go over it and realize that it is it is a tome of dimensional door. So it does something very similar to what Twee's Cape of the Mountebank does. Got it. So it would take you a long time to study because it's not your area, but you could eventually learn the same spell that Blaine has. Okay, got it. Interesting.

Got it. Interesting. As you leave, Count Barris tells you that these three steeds that you're borrowing are sentient. They will not speak, they can't speak the common tongue, but they will understand

it as fluently as a humanoid creature would. So, if you need anything of them, talk to them. They will only, he says, yeah,

they'll react in the simple way you might expect a horse could if it understood English, but in no way will they attempt to communicate to you. They have simple needs and will only require modest sacrifices in the way of blood that you will not notice. They will not take it from you. They will take it from simple creatures of the forest. Ew.

They will basically graze from birds and such. While you rest they will keep guard of whatever encampment you have. They will feast on small tree creatures. Nice. It's a deal.

Yeah. All right, let's go. Cool. I need to find my map really quick. Can we take a mini break? Yeah, let's take a mini break. And we're back. So in the little break we took, everyone started to hit level five.

I think maybe next episode we'll really make sure we've got it nailed down, but these guys have gotten themselves some extra hit points. Blaine, did you roll for that yet? I did. I got myself an extra seven. That's fantastic for you because you are the most squishy. I'm very squishy. I got another.

Roll five and a little plus two with the modifier. There we go. I got another 12. And I said this during the break, but I'll say it again. Very surprised that you did not attack Count Barriss. You basically pledged you were going to for three episodes. He just soared and you were like, well, only because we didn't uh

sneak up on him the way we did these other uh these other vamps and i just felt like uh maybe it was a we bit off a little more than we could i picked out a little guy we would have lost a guy picked out a figurine for count barris in case we really got into this shit so we could just have him like walk up to you and be like well he's gonna get into this shit so we can just have him walk up to you and be like well he's going to get into this shit. But now that we have this other mission I'm kind of glad I didn't kill him. He's going to be very helpful.

I think he's going to be very useful. Our only mission was we were just going to kill all these vampires. We didn't know what the end game of that was. So now we're doing it with the help of this guy. were just gonna kill all these vampires we didn't yeah you know what the end game of that was yeah and i mean earlier from like from yeah gago that demolith was the ultimate bad guy but now now that we know where he is examined the stick shift on the bulldozer and found another gago told us where did gago know where the demo was the whole time? He had a feeling the Demolith was somewhere in the swamp, but because he doesn't have a physical form,

he doesn't really even know. He just thought the Demolith was everywhere. Right, yeah, that's what he said to us. And in a way, he might be. He always was vague about it. He said that... He tells you a little bit about the Demolith, and he says...

Who, Gago? Yeah. Okay. He says, He tells you a little bit about the Demolith. And he says... Who, Gago? Yeah. Okay. He says, all I really know that might be helpful to you guys is, you know, like, Demolith's got something that ties him to the physical realm. He used to be a vampire. So it's a little different than like a typical, like, lick. He's not like a lick. Or lich, or what? How do you pronounce that shit? I think it's a little different than like a typical like lick he's not like a lick or lich

or what how do you pronounce that shit i think it's a lich who's not a typical one because he wasn't just like a wizard he was like a vampire wizard so like he he's got something in that castle uh something in that castle that ties him the physical realm but i don't know if he's in the castle so much as he's everywhere the dude made a deal with if it's true what Count Barriss said and he literally made a deal with a god I can't even tell you how powerful this fucker might be

yeah well that's what we're taking in army so you guys have to kind of choose now so you just are leaving Count Barriss's castle you have to get down here if you want to recruit these elves there is a mountain range that immediately divides your path so you could try to cut through the mountain range which might take a long time be really dangerous,

and it would still take you past Misery's Finger and the Drowing Campus. What do you think we should do with his steeds? What about them? What does Barriss think his steeds can handle best? He says they can take you through the mountains, but because they're literal mountains, places they can take you through the mountains, but because they're literal mountains, you will encounter things that would want to live in dangerous mountains. You might find your path slowed because the steeds will still have to... Even though their legs are built

for mountain terrain, they'll have to weave between the mountains and it won't be as the crow flies okay um the other way you can go he said you can go the way you came here also you can follow the mountains along the lunar elven territory and instead of going back to count on malek this castle cut southeast let's do that dude you're not concerned about the lunar elves You're not concerned about the Lunar Elves? It's become hostile. Right. Navajo territory or Apache territory.

Maybe we'll run into Lekas again. Yeah. We could tell the Lunar Elves that were Oh well They're dark so They're not happy with us But they're not happy with us Right no I know that And they were already assholes According to Barris

Yeah I'm not scared of them I'm not scared of them I was way off mic but hmm what do you think Tui what do you think Tui

high road or low road high road is going to take a little bit longer and might run into some creatures we haven't run into before or low road takes us

right into lunarar Elves. Let's take the high road. Through the mountains? Yeah, why not? We drove up the five. Let's go back to 101. Barriss actually nods and says, in the end, that may be a wise choice, just because he fucking hates those

Lunar Elves so much. Is he coming with us? just because he fucking hates those lunar elves so much. I have a feeling we get it. Is he coming with us? No, he's going to stay in his castle. He has repairs to do. He has children to bury. Oh, sorry. Oh.

He's got some Airbnb people coming in at the end of the week. Something bad happened? Oh. Did somebody kill him? Oh. something bad happened oh did somebody kill oh uh as you as you're right about to leave he he mentions the other vampires wanted to meet in another week to discuss uh what had been going on they first wanted after they discovered the remains of uh count dengal and uh count amalegda they decided to retreat to their castles

and fortify themselves against your possible attack. After a week had passed, they were going to meet again and discuss the future of Amina without some of their number anymore. So he says you have a few days before the other vampires want to come speak or send messengers to him.

But after, you know, he says he doesn't know he can deceive the other vampires. They have the same sire. The Demolith gave them all eternal life at some point or another, and they may be able to sense deception from him should he try to lie to them. Does that seem like maybe a good time for an ambush? He raises an eyebrow and says, well, if your intention is to kill my brothers, then perhaps yes.

Would you kill them in my castle? Don't know when the meeting's happening. It would be a few days. If you wanted to cancel your plans, you could stay in my castle until they send word, but I think we should play it casual and not try to rush things, or they might sense

something as askew he says that he thinks it would be very difficult for him to lie they're uh they're deceitful by nature all of them and for him to try to send any kind of false message would be difficult he has to play things as close to honest as possible and only withhold the most basic of information. He thinks he can lure them to his castle, but beyond that, once they're face-to-face, they will know something is going on. Well, something is going on no matter what. So they will either prepare for an attack at home

or we can somehow lessen their numbers ahead of time to try to weaken them. Well, you've already lessened their numbers. Sure. There used to be two that you took out. Yeah. And they want to meet about what now?

To discuss the future now that two of the accounts have been slain. Got it. How many days? That was three or four days. But we had... Could we get down to these other elves and get back here? He thinks by the time you make it to the wood elves,

three days will have passed and you'll have one more day before he has to break some sort of news to his brothers. God, I don't know what to do. Should we call it? Yeah. I mean, we could take a couple of real life weeks for you guys to think about what to do, but it's not going to make it any easier.

I suggest right before we call it, we make a choice. Are you going to try to plot out an ambush on these last three uncooperative vampires or which, again, are very powerful when they're not asleep. Right. So you'd have to think of how you would even coax them. How are we going to fight three of them, too, when we were scared of one? Exactly. When we were scared of bears.

He throws you a few more bits of advice. He says, Count Dangle, the one that you slayed in Amalekda's courtyard, the one who took a wolf form, was the weakest of all the vampires. Oh, okay. He was the one most prone to bloodlust, the one who killed the most often. All of them had been attempting to adapt to a more civilized age in the wake of the apocalypse. And were attempting to take on slaves that they would slowly drain of blood create blood rituals with only semi-sentient

blood bags. And Dangle didn't go easy, right? No, Dangle did not go easy. I mean, you luckily got him in a sleeper hold and sort of tackled him. We should just go to the Demolith, or I mean, go to get these guys. Unless the army.

He nods and says, yeah. I mean, go to get these guys. Unless the army. Yep. He nods and says, yeah, I mean, he really does. He thinks what you decided a moment ago might have been best. Seek out the wood elves and take the path through the mountains. All right, that's what we'll do. And then if those guys come and call our bluff and figure us out or whatever, then make the same guys out. He says when his brothers contact him, what he will attempt to do to Stahl

is say his castle was attacked by you, but he survived and he is not ready to meet because he is burying his children. All right. Cool. But he can't guarantee that they won't come looking for him and try to get more information. All right. Let's try that. Great. So you guys head south

to the mountains. And if they do come, he can feel out if there's any possibility of them also turning against... Well, I don't know about that. Yeah, he says he is bound by blood to not murder his brothers.

He would be willing to betray them should it mean some sort of redemption. They could also team up, but I don't think they will. Yeah, for some sweet beef jerky and Mountain Dew. I get it. Let's get our wood off army. Cool, yeah.

Let's go. And we will discuss that adventure on our next episode. Thanks for listening. Thank you next episode. Thanks for listening. Thank you very much. Thanks everyone. Thanks for listening to another episode of nerd poker. You can follow us at patrion.com slash nerd poker, and you get bonus episodes from there.

And you can also, uh, send us anything at P.O. Box one six zero six nine and Sino, California, anything at P.O. Box 16069 Encino, California 91416. Thanks for listening.