Nerd Poker - Episode 17 - Pink Sparkle Pit

Episode Date: June 6, 2018

Determined to recover and destroy the cloak of a long-dead evil, the crew plunges into the depths of The Pit of the Second Sky. They have no idea what they'll find by following the mysterious feywild map, but they know there's probably not cuddly creatures ahead.

Hey everybody, I'm Brian Poussaint Comedian, writer, actor, nerd. I've been playing D&D with my friends for a long time. I decided to do a new podcast where we play Dungeons & Dragons in my very own dining room. With my wife, kid, and my noisy dogs. So meet my friends... Sarah Ken Sam

Lee Now it's time for another episode of Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker Season 2 Hey everybody, it's Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker. I'm Brian Poussaint. How are you? You're listening to

Episode 17. We've got my friends here. Sarah, Ken, Sam, and Blaine. Hey, is it too late to do a full-blown edge joke? For why? Oh, because we were just talking about you two during our break? Yes.

Go ahead. What do you got? That was it. Hey, listeners. I just want to say thanks to some Patreons named Glenn Sugden. Thank you, Glenn Sugden. Thanks, Glenn. Sugden right in. Thank you, Glenn Sugden. Thanks, Glenn. Thank you,

Ra298. Thanks, Ra2. Thanks, R2. Thank you, ThatKidTweeKilled. Too soon. Thank you. It's at least nice he's giving us money, though.

Thanks for killing me, Mr. Tweed. Thank you It's at least nice He's giving us money though Yeah Oh my gosh Thanks for killing me Mr. Tweety Here's my dollars We think to joke about that In the last episode There's a lot of Patreons Who are trying to get

Under Blaine's skin With this stuff Thank you Bob Dole's good arm Thank you See him left On the way to the other room. He was going to the bathroom.

Thank you, Lou of criticalhittattoo.com. Oh, nice. Cool. Enjoy your free commercial. Wow. It's not free. Thank you, Flyingfish33. Wait, so this tattoo company has a nerdy...

Criticalhittattoo.com. Nerdy tattoos? Yeah, now we're all going to look at that later. I am looking at it right now. There was a really nerdy tattoo TV show that was taped in Portland, of course. A reality show. Hello, Larry. I went so close to going up there and getting them to do something really nerdy.

Like a force ghost of my dog or something. My dog, Sally, who's the one here with us. That Critical Hit band that sent us shirts years ago That's one of my favorite shirts Of all time Nice Anybody else? Yeah

And thank you Most of all Sater M. Fartland Sater M. Fartland Sater M. Fartland Thanks Sater Best prices on Kia Hyundai and Dodge

Sater like S-A-T-Y-R Or like a Passover Sater? S-A-T-E-R Oh Night Is that Seder? S-A-T-E-R. Whoa. Oh. Night. Is that Passover? Is that how it's spelled? I don't know. Wait, it's... S-A-T-E-R. Night. M.

Fartland. What are you doing? I'm trying to understand what you're saying. Oh, yeah. You were laughing and looking at your iPad at the same time. S-A-T- the same time. Yeah. Look at the blade, man. S-A-T-Y-R. Night. A bad day city roller.

S-A-T-Y-R. Jesus. Night. Stop. Well, I'm rolling through the dungeon with my big burly friends. God, you old assholes. I know. Things are getting really...

How drunk are we? Not at all. You are. I used to go to a laundromat. Oh, the jukebox. We're talking about each other. I know. Ladies and gentlemen, this is a commercial for

podcasts that record with headphones. Yeah, Critical Hit Tattoo looks cool. I think it's a nice artwork. Where are they based? We should give them a proper plug if they're actually cool. I wish I knew. You should say on your website

where you are physically. I'm sure they do. It's powered by Squarespace. Oh, well, so they listen to lots of podcasts. Squarespace. Squarespace. Squarespace. Square.

Square. Square, Okay, we don't have to fill every pocket of silence with just a mile of bullshit. We sort of do that. I mean, we do,

but like, it turns out that Heaven got time for the pain. So, yeah, we go to Paris, France.

Oh, Nettie? You did see Nettie. You saw The Long Lost Love of Tom DiReto. You're in the Feywild. I'm still weirded out by it. You're on a mission to retrieve the cloak of Zinzerina and destroy it. It's New Jersey.

Looks like New Jersey. It's New Jersey is the tattoo place. Thank you for bringing closure to that. So much closure that I bet you're going to close your iPad. I got my character here. Okay, we'll go to the fucking character. Dan always starts out every episode very cranky Oh he's so angry There's no closure

Only Zool Yeah so your Long lost love is here Tom Doretto I know but still And she's very cranky with you because You don't want to go back home with her And so there's this... Oh, baby, I got things to do.

There's this cave that descends into a very secret, magical-looking place. Yeah. And to get there, you have to go through this very long tunnel. It looks like it's called the Pit of the Second Sky. And your friends are kind of telling you we should go, and you're kind of agreeing with them.

But she's... I gotta go, baby. That's what I gotta do. So she turns her back on you and starts walking off into the woods. Not into her house? This is like in What Dreams May Come. Spoiler. You're all dead. And you're all

Robin Williams. So... The car crash is crazy in that movie. What you're all Robin Williams. So. The car crash is crazy in that movie. What you doing? Going down. Going to the cave. All right, so. I'm going to cast a fly on myself. Okay. Yeah.

And should. Cast a whole person on that netty little stair. Is there any. I have a levitate spell. Is there some way. Should I, like, levitate our. Is there some way? Should I levitate our equipment down with us? If we need to. I don't know.

How does this thing look? First we're walking into the cave, right? And it's not going straight down right away, right? No. Yeah. So we don't need to fly yet. What's happening inside the cave? Yeah, what do we see?

Is it dark? I'd light a torch if it was. It is a bit dark. And so you light a torch and everything is suddenly quite illuminated. It's the middle of the day, but you look up at the sky and everything's sort of green. So it's hard to really get a sense of... It's a crazy place to fade away. If the day cycle is even...

It should be called the crazy wild. Yeah. You feel like you could get and much like the map shows you could get down a little bit away just by climbing on these large purple crystals but uh things get a little beyond your vision almost as if the tunnel twists a little bit uh as you approach and you're not sure if it goes like more than 50 yards of climbing and before you'll need to fly so it's just a drop at a certain point? I mean, that's what it looks like.

You know what you see on the map, son. So keep investigating. I'm going to go down and scout it out. So I'm going to go... I'm going to fix a rope to myself. Okay. I'm going to go, I'm going to fix a rope to myself. Okay. I'm going to hook up a couple of ropes just in case it goes down super, super long.

And I'll be back in a flash. Typha walks over to you and says, I'm really good at actually securing stuff. I used to run the stables back in Tenat. If you want to let me secure this to some of the rocks here. I forgot Typha was with us, huh? She says, hey. Maybe it should be my noon today.

Hey Typha, I hope this doesn't sound weird in front of everybody from HR here, but tie me up. Alright, she says. And she says, by the way, there's a lot of weird animals. I don't know if you guys have looked around. There's a lot of weird wildlife running around here.

I'm just trying to catch some and cook it. She ties you off. And you're going to fly down? I am. Great. Great. So I'm going to say what your rope is about. Did we decide on the length of your rope, or is it standard D&D rope? I'm going to say what your rope is about. Did we decide on the length of your rope, or is it standard D&D rope? I'm going to say it's what?

I have... I'm going to say I have 50 feet of rope. Yeah, so you... I'm going to assume... I'm going to throw my 50 feet of hempen rope onto his, too. Okay. And attach it. And I mean, this...

You're all going to just sort of combine ropes? Yeah. This will just be a good gauge of how far. Yeah, you get 200 feet of rope. If you tie it all together, Typha helps you do it pretty quick. She does indeed seem to tie a good sturdy knot. As you float down, you figure out that it was like, let's say, stories mean the same thing because you got buildings in this world.

And you get about three stories down before the crystals sort of stop becoming so large and jagged and it becomes sort of sheer rock okay um and i'm gonna light a torch too just to kind of yeah uh you notice the farther down you go the louder some white noise gets you hear lots of just sort of uh sort of wind howling beneath you and uh you can't see the bottom when the rope runs out. It's feels. Oh, so you get to the bottom of the 200. It's sort of like a sheer vertical drop for as far as you can see, which is pretty far. I'm going to leave the end of the rope here.

And I'm going to keep going down. Okay. You make it pretty far, and I'm going to say get another 10 stories down before you realize, even with your elf eyes, you're about to lose sight of the rope above you, and it's still going sheer down. Dang. I'm going to keep going, going, going. Okay. Okay.

Do a Constitution saving throw. Difficulty 10. Save the Constitution. You got a negative two penalty to Constitution. I got a 10. Great. constitution you got negative two penalty to constitution i got 10 great uh you feel a little dizzy as you head down okay head down for what how long how many minutes i'm just gonna go till i get dizzy i'll say you get dizzy once you lose sight of the rope um it almost feels like um like i'm getting the bends or something yeah i'm gonna go

i'm gonna just drift start drifting back up okay um i'll say right as you like really do start to like feel like you would say have to roll the dice again you see that the tunnel does kind of curve slightly so you know you're not like in some sort of weird time loop or some shit but you make it so far down it's pretty clear that if someone were to fall they would die yeah okay noted there's there's very and and also so far down that like say you cast levitate on somebody uh just the sheer drop even if they kind of like what like six feet above the ground if if they didn't quite hit the ground, the whiplash would for sure be fierce. Okay. Gwen Stacy. It's just farther than most basic magic would make simple.

All right. So Tui heads back up. It takes you... How else do we get down there? I'll say you guys all notice it takes Tui like a solid half an hour to go on his little adventure. you guys all notice it takes twee like a solid half an hour to go on his little adventure and when he comes up i'd say you can report that like it's before there's a bend it's it's farther than it is the is tall the gospel mage tower was 30 stories what we should do probably is start one portal up here and then someone takes the um wand down to wherever it is and puts the other portal exit down there and then we can just portal our way down right but how does somebody get down there um well it seems like you could

have made it right if you just needed to have more rope and more yeah and you know we should say i we didn't recap this at the beginning of the last episode, but I sort of explained to you, you know, I gave you a table that showed how your portal stabs work. What? It's in the email. Oh, yeah. So, like, yeah, maybe you didn't see it, but, like, I...

Oh, that's cool. Brian noticed. Is it on the spreadsheet? No, but I pasted, like, a little table into the email so you can see, like, after a certain number of casts it will do blank so here i'll pull it up and i'll show it i'll pass my six it goes back to one but i have one so does that so it doesn't matter that they're still open

so okay why don't you feel free to pass this around but i got it i got it you got it okay okay so here you guys look at this this is just a refresher of how these stabs work so basically for a couple of casts it does create portals but then before you can do anything simple some powerful sort of uniting, destructive magic starts taking place. Right, but my question is, so I did one, two portals a long time ago, or not, you know, but a few days ago

in game time, or at least one day ago, back in the first town. So does... Thank you for making this fun for me, Sarah. Will you please do an Arcana check, difficulty 10? Yes.

What'd you roll? 16 total. Oh, yeah. So you figure out with some confidence that you think going to a different plane of existence would reset any magical items you have if they've got any sort of... So both of ours will work then.

Mm-hmm. You know enough about... There's a very specific kind of magic you have if they've got any sort of So both of ours will work then. You know enough about there's a very specific kind of magic that follows patterns and you're like, oh, that would not carry over to another plane of existence. What are you doing, Brian? Nothing. It kind of looked like you were making a pencil

have sex with the pipe, but that's fine. He's getting a really close look at it. What was it? My vision is terrible. It kind of looked like you were making a pencil have sex with the pipe, but that's fine. He's getting a really close look at it. My vision is terrible. How do we unportal? What do you mean unportal? Okay, so we set a portal, a second portal, travel from one to the next. Then we have to unportal the first one to create a next portal to keep traveling.

Oh, I just thought we'd do two. I just thought we'd get someone to get to the bottom. Okay, based on what you know of these, you can cast one portal, then you can cast a second portal. And you can make a third portal, but you can't pass through it anymore. It will eat you alive. Right. You have to cast a bunch more

times. Right. I got it. And then you can start over. I just thought we'd get someone to the destination, one person to the destination location through Levvitator Fly or whatnot, and then that person would open the other portal down there was my thought. Yeah. Yeah, pitch it to the party, not me. Hmm?

What? Tell these nerds that's what you want to do. Well, I did tell them, but didn't I? Yes. Yeah, so we'll set a portal portal and then we'll send Tweety down with the... With the staff. The staff.

And then once you get down to wherever our destination is... Will the two staffs work together or no? Well, Blaine didn't already get to the way bottom yet. No, no, no. So you've got two staffs. But if he's better prepared...

As far as you know, these staffs have nothing to do with each other except that they have similar abilities. So he has to use the same stab that we... Is Gago still with us? Yes. He can fly, right?

He probably can't carry a stab. No, but can you send him down to do some recon? Sure. Also, he's a fairy, right? He is. So he's probably... He says hello to us. Hey, buddy, can you head down below and see what's what?

I'm feeling a little thirsty. Jesus Christ. Yeah, I got something for you. Hello? Yep. It's Coke Cacciatore. Cacciatore Coke. And he's like, you want me to fly down this thing?

Yeah. All right, later, motherfuckers. And he just flies down the shaft. Hell yeah. About half an hour goesers. And he just flies down the shaft. Hell yeah. About half an hour goes by. He's a bad mother. Blaine, watch your mouth. Hey, I'm just talking about the shaft. Another half hour goes by. Uh, wow.

Another half hour goes by. Should have set up a communication. Should have set one of those baby monitor cameras down with him. Typha says, you guys want lunch? Sure. What did you cook?

I found some grubs. They've got wings, but they look like grubs. Buffalo Wild? Grubs got wings. Yeah, they're Buffalo Wild fake caterpillars. Oh. But yeah, she says, I think this might be safe protein.

You want to eat it? I feel like your little fairy friend's been down there a couple hours now. You got blue cheese to go with it? I have some goat cheese from the mage town of Gostel. That'll do. All right, so someone's going to have to go down after him now or what? She cooks up a meal. Who's eating the meal? Anybody? No, thanks. I've got some rations. All right. I don gonna have to go down after him now or what she she cooks up a meal is that who's eating the meal anybody no thanks i've got some rations all right i don't want to get yeah i'm gonna eat a cliff bar typhus eats it and just kind of rolls her eyes um what

are you doing now uh i was just saying what are we gonna send twee down after him or what's the plan are we gonna pray to cord from my papa portal uh all right so i'm gonna say at two hours um or what's the plan here? Are we going to... Pray to Kord for my friend. Pop a portal. Pop a portal. All right, so I'm going to say at two hours, you pray to Kord. I want you to do a religion roll difficulty of 18. That's a crunchy, that's spicy tuna on top.

Got it. I got 18. Oh, fuck yeah. He says, Hey, brother. How can I help you? Need one of my pythons here? No, just...

I'm busy shooting a porno. Just thinking about my friend Gago. I hope he has a safe return soon. We're kind of trying to figure this situation out here. Brother, your buddy's drunk. He'll be back soon. All right. He's just a little pokey because

you gave him a tug of your fire water, you know what I'm saying? It's probably really deep, too. It's real deep, brother. Ask him how deep it is. How deep is it? It's so deep, it's deeper than Andy Dick's butthole. And then you stop the communication.

What? How does he know Andy Dick? Because he's living in a world of fools. He's in that documentary. Court's in that. The Andy Doc? Everybody has an Andy Dick story. Yeah, so...

I think I've said mine before on here. Is there a documentary of Andy Dick stories? I have a couple No there is Oh is there? There's a documentary called Everybody Has an Andy Dick Story Oh I didn't know that

Yeah yeah And it's celebrities doing Andy Dick stories I have a very boring Andy Dick story One time we were in the same improv theater And he looked over at me peeing in a urinal And went And then he left I have a bunch of crazy ones

The least crazy is when he said We were doing the gong show together, and he goes, why haven't we ever made out? And I go, there's a bunch of reasons. And he's like, quiet. Another half hour goes by. Andy Dick's still on your couch. Andy Dick's still on your couch What's us waiting for Gaga brought to you by? You know, this waiting for Gaga brought to you by

Alpo Nova Heavy metal dog food, yeah Bark at the moon with Alpo Nova After a total of three hours move with Alpo Nova. Wow! Wow! Woof! After a total of three hours, Gago pops out. Hey, buddy.

What's up, guys? First of all, that tunnel is real fucking boop. But, uh, yeah. It eventually, you know. So it's an hour and a half deep. There's like a bend in it. Yeah.

It's like, I don't know, like 50 stories down there. I guess that's where Tree was or whatever. It's not real safe there. If you go a little bit farther, it does seem to level out enough where you could kind of climb around and shit. Oh, okay. Burrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr Oh, okay. Burr. Did you say that's where a tree was? Huh? Tree.

Tree. I'm sorry. That's my accent. I'm sorry. He also says both. I say milk. And pillow. Pillow?

And Washington. Pillow. Who the fuck says pillow? It drives me nuts. Chimbley. That's Midwest, man. Wheelbarrow. Turlet. I've got to go use the turlet? No, turlet is not. That's me nuts. Chimbley. That's Midwest, man. Wheelbarrow. Turlet.

I've got to go use the turlet? No, turlet is not. That's East Coast. I'm sorry. Santanol. I'm a weird pick for that. It's Baltimore. So, who says catsup?

Catsup? That's one, too. It's spelled that way. Yeah, but no one says that. Catsup. There's light coming out of the walls. That's what I was going to tell you before this. Light coming out of the walls? I'm sorry, I missed it.

There's phosphorescent stuff down there. You'll notice you're far, far, far down there. Like pink? Just as it's climbable. Yeah, there's pink and glowing. Why do you ask? We have a map. You do, I would say, courtesy of the experience points that Bodhi just earned

Notice that yes If the walls are glowing pink It would coincide with an area on the map Marked the binding place Now is this place Full of hard boiled eggs and cheese Or why is it the binding place So you would get the sense

Based on Gago's recon, that yes, you could tweet on with a staff, perhaps. Okay. But it would take him three hours. It would take him an hour and a half to get down. Hmm? Well, yeah, he is going to go about the same speed as Gago. I mean, it would take an hour and a half to get down.

Yeah, yeah, that's right. But he can jump right back where the staff is. Okay. Correct. Does the portal go both ways? Do we know? Yes. You do know it goes both ways.

Okay, so we're going to zoop a portal here. You zoop a portal? What was this? It goes zoop? It goes zoop? I don't know, what's the sound? I like it.

Zoop? I like zooping. Zoop a portal. It's a solid zoop. Sure. You hear the human voice of a human woman go, Zup, as a 10-foot-wide portal opens up at the opening of the cave. This is the weirdest staff I've ever seen. I want a shirt of somebody sticking out a portal and then Zup.

Yeah. So there's a portal, and it's just blue, and it doesn't look like it goes anywhere. So we give it to, I guess it was mine, so since I zooped, so I give it to Tweet. Zoop, zoopie, doop, zoopie, doop. All right. Hey, can I, I'm a little concerned about the pressure thing,

about getting busy and stuff. Actually getting the bends? So I'm, I think I'm going to put a little polymorph on myself, close up my ears, and like sort of make myself pressure resistant. Does that make sense? Wait, why is there a, I'm sorry, I missed that. There was a pressure thing? The first time he went down.

I heard he got dizzy. Yeah. But I didn't know it was a, are we sure there was a pressure thing or not just like him? Well, isn't that what you were indicating? Talk amongst yourselves. I have to look something up. Okay.

I'm just trying to, because I don't want to go down there and fuck it up for everyone. Well, also, if there is a pressure thing, which I missed earlier, then we definitely don't want to just pop out down there without a slew.

All it's going to do is zoop another portal and it can come right back. That's true. Yeah, but we don't want to get our blood start boiling immediately or whatever. Although. If we go instantly. If we go instantly, it might kill us.

So I didn't realize there was a pressure thing. I thought it was just he got dizzy because he was far away from the rope. Shit. I missed that part. No, he was. Blaine was saying he was far away from the rope. I missed that part. Blaine was saying that he was getting the bends. That's from depth. I thought he was talking about Radiohead.

It is their best record. I'm prepared for more questions. Is it pressure that causes the dizziness? I would say you got just a weird sense. You didn't know which way was up after a while. You've been without solid ground to plant your feet on. So it wasn't a presence.

It was just disorientation. Disorientation. Also, you felt like there could have been some subtle magics you didn't understand, but you don't think you were confused. His head wasn't going to explode. He wasn't having trouble breathing or anything like that. It could be the phosphorescent stuff, but Gago went down.

All right, down I go. All right. Wait, before he goes. I'm taking a very good look at where these guys are. So Twee's flying over the opening of the cave. He's about to descend. Hold on, one moment, one moment. He's holding the staff.

Do you guys have any type of walkie-talkie communication magics at all that I don't know about? You seem to have everything else. That would be good. Look at my handy-dandy things I have bag. Oh, yeah. What do they call that? The ear?

I mean, I think the only thing it would be is I could maybe write a note and have the dimension pop it up to you guys. I know, but there is a spell that I don't believe you guys have. Okay, just checking. I feel like we did in one of our old incarnations. All right, go in your hole. Go in your hole. Go in your hole.

Hey, Tweet, I would like to fast forward, but just in the interest of keeping it interesting. That's Harry Potter. Roll a 20. 13. All right, and. Roll a 20. 13. All right. And you have a perception bonus. I have a six.

Does that sound right? It's my wisdom, so... Yes. Okay, yeah. You head down. It takes a long time. And you don't feel dizzy for a while. you get to the bend and you're about to do a constitution check but before that happens you do notice there are definitely creatures on the

sheer walls this time like looking at me are they cute little glowing eyes yes cute little glowing eyes some not so cute glowing eyes but they're everywhere they're they're they range from squirrel size to spider size. Okay. And they just sort of scurry around in the dark. All right. Do a constitution check, please. Huh. 13.

You make it, but you do feel, again, queasy. You hit a bend, and it starts to spiral a little bit, but the walls are too sheer for you to stop, and you don't see any light yet. After it bends for a while more, roll your constitution one more time. Fourteen. Great. Fourteen.

You manage to not sort of reel from the sudden injection, but you pass through some sort of barrier, and all of a sudden, the walls are pink and glowing, and it looks like they're glowing pink above you, where you just came from, where it was pitch black. Hmm. Hmm. So you're probably in the binding place.

And I hear Sheena Easton? Yes. Is that correct? Yeah, there's a little Bluetooth speaker set up. Can he walk yet, or climb Okay. Yeah, there's a little Bluetooth speaker set up. Can he walk yet or climb yet? Yeah, the ground is sort of made of, it's not crystal, but it's like sparkling pink sand. A sandstone. It's like hard.

It's not loose sand. Sparkling pink sand. But you feel like you could plant your feet and you could turn an ankle. You could hurt yourself if you weren't careful. It's like a rocky beach kind of quality to it and it's it is still descending at a pretty steep rate but you could plant some feet here and so could other people okay uh i'm gonna go down to where i guess it's a little more level and secure and uh get this this portal thing hooked up right yeah you make it like another couple stories down and there's a little landing where you feel like

everyone could come through the portal. He has the map, right? I'm going to say you guys... Yeah, I mean, there's only one map and you would have given it to him. That makes sense. I won't criticize that.

So I plant this portal down here. That's my walkie-talkie. We probably should have talked about this before he went down there. You probably. So you wave the staff? Well, I'm trying to... You would have told me how to work this thing, right? Yeah, I'll give it to you.

Oh, yeah, yeah. He knows. You just gotta zoop it. We'll take some of the just sort of general crosstalk that was happening about it and translate it into your adventure as explained. So you wave it at like a wall and you guys all notice the portal turns from sort of blue to you see glowing pink and rock and twee on the other side of this okay i bust through like the cool guys guys guys guys guys guys guys guys and it took him almost two hours uh calculations i

follow um typha sort of cleans up the little uh skillet she had going over a small fire and crams a couple of grubs down her throat and hops through the portal you guys all see her on a landing and it's sheer going down for a little bit you gonna head down? yeah

everybody do an athletics check difficulty 10 please 17 Yeah. Yes. Everybody do an athletics check difficulty 10, please. I'm still flying. 17. Pass. 13. Pass. What do I got to get? 10.

Typha passes. Yep. And you get pretty far down, and then you notice it continues kind of sheer again. You might need some help, but not too far. It's like a pit that's about two stories deep. And then it goes up a little bit. And you look at the map and you're like, oh, there is a fork here that resembles a little bit what I am seeing. We think this goes to the Chamber of Forgiveness.

I think if you go up in this other fork, it will head to the Chamber of Forgiveness. If you go down, it's towards the Three Guardians. What do you think, guys? Should we go to the Chamber of Forgiveness. If you go down, it's towards the Three Guardians. What do you think, guys? Should we go to the Chamber of Forgiveness or the Three Guardians? Let's check out the Chamber of Forgiveness. That sounds nicer. What time are the shows at the Chamber of Forgiveness? We could probably, I mean... 7, 8, and 11. Let's get a fast

pass for the other ones. Oh, yeah, yeah. Fast pass for the Three Guardians makes sense. We can also go Single Rider. Chamber of Forgiveness? Yes. Yeah, you, yeah. Fast pass for the three guardians makes sense. You're not supposed to go single rider. Chain of forgiveness? Yes? Yeah, you know what? I'll do a thing. I'm still flying.

I'll kind of go up with a rope. The only way you can think that you would be able to get up there is to either, yeah, like spelunk with some ropeage or get Twee to carry you guys across this expanse because you have to kind of go across a gap. Well, thankfully I can use my hover amulet that I have. Oh,

fuck. I've been waiting to hover for so many years. You guys notice Esmeralda puts an amulet on and she begins to float above the ground. Well, how about that? Does my amulet look like the same amulet? No.

We never figured that out. It's magic, but you don't know what it does. No, you didn't figure it out. You told me to try it out. Why didn't we do that? Because nobody has identified, so we needed to find someone. Yeah, you would have had to ask someone back at the college. I did, but then I didn't.

The only time you asked someone back at the college, they were newly undead and having a panic attack, so they weren't in the mood. I pick up someone. Sure. Typha, I guess. Typha probably weighs less than everyone else. And you manage to float across.

You can get just to the edge. You've got to kind of pull yourself up. I'll say it's an automatic success athletics check, but you can just hoist people across. Okay. So you get across, and everybody do another athletics check if you're going to hike up this little bend. Yep.

Over tens? Ten. Okay. I do it. Great. And you get up, and there is all of a sudden a very smooth sort of rectangular tunnel ahead of you. And a door at the end of it that looks...

It's a wooden door. It looks like it's made of wood. Check for traps. Do an investigation check. Difficulty 18. Holy shit. I did real good. Yes, there is a trap on the doorknob.

Disarm. Great. Do a sleight of hand check. Difficulty 10. Yep. Great. All of a sudden, you hear a clink, clink, clink, clink, and it sounds like nine little clinks around the outside of this doorknob

occur. And it is loose, and you can turn it. The old nine clink trap opening the door. So, you go inside, and there is a large, square, stone room. It is very

dark. Everyone can sort of see, and you've got a torch. Doesn't glow? Doesn't glow in here? It's dark. Other than your torch. And you see in the middle of the room an altar and there's something on it. Hmm.

The room is about 50 feet back. I fill my pouch with sand. It's hard to see in the beginning, but once you get closer, you see there is, in the middle of the altar, a skeleton with an axe planted in it.

Where is the axe planted? In the middle of the room, in the middle of the skeleton, like right in the vertebra. And the skeleton's kind of draped backwards over the altar. Someone was killed on this altar. It was trying to steal that axe.

Is there something on the altar, or is that what's on the altar? It looks like the axe cleaved right into it, and the axe was left inside the body. But, I mean, was the person reaching for something, or is the person what's on the altar? Was there anything else on the altar other than the body and the axe? I'm going to start with Sarah's question. It looks like the body was hit in combat. It looks like they were maybe trying to escape the blow, and they failed.

And it looks like the weapon was left in the altar in a hurry. There's armor hanging off. It's very light, very old leather armor, sort of in tatters and decayed. Anything else around the room? No. Anything unusual about the walls or floors? Not at first glance. You can check super carefully.

I'd like to check super carefully. Sweet. Let's do an insight check. I've got a 20. Anyone who wants to look? Anyone? No. I got a 12. What does it have to be 20 oh shit i got a one that's a no nope does that mean i shit on something what about typha

there's nothing at all unusual about typha rolled a 20 oh i knew it um she says uh i feel like there's some buttons in these walls. You know what I'm talking about, buttons? Yeah, I know what a button is. Look real close. There's so much dust on this wall. I got it that time. Well, you don't get to do it twice, Don.

Well, you said look again. Well, she's being not so literal. But everyone sees it, is the point. Because she wins, she shares the knowledge. Mommy, Daddy, stop. Shut the fuck up. Now I'm taking mommy's side against you,

child. But, yeah, she's like, there's some sort of strange hidden button over here, there's one over here.

Dust off the wall and see what's going on. Sure, you dust off the wall and you see there's a button to your left when you're facing from the doorway to your right and one on the opposite side.

So there's three buttons. Colored, anything? They're stone and they're perfect ovals. And they're about the size of the palm of your hand, but they're perfect ovals. Any ideas? Can I do Arcana or anything? Sure. Do an Arcana check difficulty 15. Is that for

all of us also? No. I'm not sure. No. Maybe we each need to press the button at the same time. It's about teamwork. Anybody? I got a 10. You don't notice anything unusual about the buttons.

Do you want to try pressing the button at the same time? Sure. Oh boy. Are you guys down for that? Three of you line up. Do you push the button at the same time? I have a mage hand. I'm going to use it to press it from a distance. Okay.

You extend a mage hand just as you two are going to push with your bare hands. I will also extend a mage hand. You don you extend a mage hand just as you two are going to push with your bare hands? I will also extend a mage hand. You don't have a mage hand, do you? I do.

Okay. It doesn't go as far as his. Well, it's quite far. I guess I just poke mine with a stick. I don't know. No, I just push it with my hand.

That's fine. Okay. You are all relieved that none of you are murdered when you push the button. It also does not necessarily appear you needed to do it at the same time,

but that was very cute. Thank you. As you push all three, a rock that looked like it was just sort of uniform across the whole room suddenly sort of rolls forward and inside there is just empty chests full of old rusty swords.

Where? just empty chests full of old rusty swords. Weird. Empty chests of old rusty swords. Where's this? These are a few of my favorites. Anything unusual about the swords? Yeah, sure.

Everybody do an investigation check difficulty 10. They're rusty, I'll tell you that much. I got a one. 17. Okay. That's a no. 21.

What do you get, Tom? 10. I rolled a 20 and got an M plus. Cool. Most of you realize that these swords are caked in old blood

ew there's old viscera these are used weapons wow heavily used weapons and they look like they were sort of tossed in here should we check out the other rooms? do you know anything in like legend

or myth of the Feywild about the chamber of forgiveness? I'm from the Feywild so do you know anythinggiveness? Well, yeah, I mean, I'm from the Feywild originally. Yes, so do you know anything about the Chamber of Forgiveness or what's going on here maybe? I don't know what the fuck forgiveness as a word even means. That doesn't compute. Have you heard about the Pit of the Second Sky though?

Do you know what a zoop is? All pops and buzzes from here, man. But I would say this room looks like a pretty clear altar of sacrifice to me. Sure. I think something happens if you spill blood on that altar. I'm pretty into this shit, so. Well, you want us to cut your finger and try it out? Fuck no, you killed me like nine times already, man.

How many fucking negative hit point situations are you going to put me in? All right. Bodhi cuts himself over the thing. Clumsy. Oh, yeah? Yeah. Tell me how you do it. Just lightly with just enough to drip onto it it like a couple of drops yeah and you're

gonna use what your sword like just the tip of it yeah yeah so uh a couple of drops hit it and as soon as it hits it you hear a in the whole room just feels like it's humming and it's magical and it feels like a little bit of dust shakes off all the walls. And it keeps going. Is someone going to come out with a sword now? You don't notice anything else. We got a bottle of your blood, dude. There's nothing else happening?

It's like you're four loco. Five minutes goes by and it keeps going. It's just humming. We turn it on. Do we see anything else in this room? No. Okay. Is anything out in the hallway

where we came from look different? Not yet. Forgiveness. Did we turn something on? Yeah, I think so. It's continuing to hum. Might need to try

a little more blood or something? Or maybe we just, we did it and then we need to keep going? Could be. Don't know Oh

No I was going to say maybe you needed to use one of the Swords that was there but I guess it already worked So Give yourself tetanus Oh shit yeah I didn't even think of that Uh What happens if Let's say I cut and put some blood on there too

How much? Just a couple drops like he did It's a little louder Oh I think he's saying That needs to be a lot of blood Oh gago But it's still just You look at gago and you're like

He doesn't hold much more blood than we already put on Does Cookie have any kind of... Cookie? Cookie the clown from Bozo's Circus? No, Cookie the chef. Typha. Yeah, Typha the cook-y.

I guess she doesn't have any. Yeah, I thought she didn't have any. I have some raw meat in my pack we could try, but I drain the blood out for the most part. Too bad Ned knows. Throw it on there. Let's see. Yeah? Yeah.

All right. So she tosses some meat on there and it gets louder. Toss a wedge salad on there and some onions. Well, she takes out a knife and she starts cutting it and she's like, I don't know, that much louder? Maybe it's my imagination. I don't know.

Where's Ned when you need him, right? Why can't there be an evil character? A shitty NPC that we can stab. Oh, yeah. Maybe we've got to go get something from the upstairs. Oh, what about Neddy? Oh, my God. I was just kidding, guys.

He took you seriously, though, because it's that kind of campaign, I guess. I definitely wasn't being serious. Do we want to go get an animal, or does everyone want to try to put a little of their blood in? Again, teamwork. I don't think we have enough blood between us. Between all of us, though? If they need a person's blood,

and there's seven of us, or? If they need a person's blood and there's seven of us or however many. A seventh of our blood. Typha says she's in. Sure, I'll do it. Yeah. All right, so you all throw a few more drops in there. And just as the last of you does it, and even Gago kind of just flicks a little spatter.

Thank you, Gago. That's all right. I'm drunk. I don't feel this shit. And as you realize everyone has contributed, let's say the last flick comes from Typha,

all of a sudden you hear some noisy animal-like howls coming from the chamber. The chamber's entrance back down the tunnel. Back where the pink and glowing is. Like happy howls? Oh, the three guardians. It sounds sort of just wild and chaotic and hungry. Maybe we loosed the guardians.

I hope so. All right. Well, whatever we did, we did it. Should we close the door? Wait in here? If you close... Do you? Does Tom run over to the door and just close it? I said, should we close the door?

I think we should go out and see what's happening. Hey, Gago, can you fly out there and just let us know what's going on in the tunnel part? Yeah, but I mean, this is some high-risk shit. You got me more of that fucking part of juice? Yeah, dude. Thanks, brother. So he takes another swig and flies out there and flies back and says, there's some shit down in that tunnel.

It's real loud out there. It's fucked up. I don't know what it is. I came back. I almost peed my tunic. Pee your tunic, you said. It's just loud? Yeah, there's like multiple things farther down the tunnel. Like underneath us. Yeah, like's like multiple things farther down the tunnel. Like underneath us.

Yeah, like three of them maybe? I can't count. Like at all. In general? Yeah, but a tunnel's good to... How wide are these tunnels? It's like 20 feet circle

Okay Going down Should we go back up the portal And wait outside And see if they pop out And find them there That could be Better

Yeah See if they pop out of the portal Or like If they follow us Maybe like leave some trails I mean they don't seem That far away Yeah

Like I feel like If I wasn't such a, like a chicken shit, and I for sure am, but like I might have been able to visually see what's right there. Is my hover still working? Yes. Okay, so I'm just going to hover out there

and then hover back. Okay, so you hover out there and you get to the edge and you feel like you could possibly make eye contact with something if you look over it. I look over it. There is what looks like a large crystal spider

just right underneath the thing, and it locks eyes with you, and it starts climbing up really fast. Huh? I mean, no. I mean, you do feel like you have a deep connection to it, but it might involve you being ingested somehow. Okay. Crystal spider, everybody.

How big? Cool. It's like car size. It's like the size of a Lexus. I believe in crystal spider because I believe in me. You only see one right away. It's big enough that you can't really see past it. But when it locks eyes with you, it's mandibles.

It's little crystal mandibles stop moving. And even though its mandibles are no longer moving, you hear more howling noises behind it. Okay, so I'm going to cast Witch Bolt at it. All right. I saw Witch Bolt open for a huntress once saving throw roll for damage I don't I haven't I don't think I've got 12 okay thanks make a range spell attack against creature.

On hit, target takes 1d12 lightning damage. There you go. Seven. What level spell slot is this? Whatever the low, I mean. Is it one? Yeah. Seven.

So, okay. It says plus four, though, on my thing. Attack bonus, I guess. Okay. But that's not damage, right? That's just my attack bonus? guess okay so uh but that's not damage right that's just my attack bonus so that's why i don't so you you lean over the side and you uh you cast a bolt of lightning right where do you where are you casting this why don't you call this shot for us at the spider's face so it kind of smacks it right underneath its eyes and above the mandibles and rips a hole in its sort of crystal-y face.

And more just sort of crystal-like mandibles kind of pull themselves out of the opening. And it just looks like there's a lot more mouth where there used to be. It kind of reels backwards in pain. backwards in pain but it looks also like it's doing some sort of I don't know regeneration or at least it's weird head guts are poking out of it and spiking out but it's got more face than it did a second ago okay well it says that on each of my turns for the duration I can use my action to deal 1d 12 automatically okay so you're gonna hit it with another bolt? Yeah, I guess so. Go for it.

That's not bad. No, that's fantastic. That's a fun spell. But it looks like next time it's a ranged attack that I have to roll for. Six. So same sort of thing happens. It reels back

as if it really hates what you did to it. But as opposed to having a clear face, it now just seems to have a bunch of legs sticking out of its face. And it's starting to crawl at you faster. Okay, I yell, I forgive you. Maybe that's what we have to do. Because it's a chamber of forgiveness.

Maybe that's what we have to do with the chamber of forgiveness. It starts coming up over the edge and it's going to attack you if you don't move. Hover back to the room? And I only give you this chance because you did say you were going to hover right back after peeking over the edge. So you're going to head back?

Now I hover back, yeah. You get to the doorway, and it's now over the edge, and it's charging. Hey, what did you see? Was it something cool? Was it neat stuff out there? Crystal spider, crystal spider, crystal spider. As you get to the doorway, you notice pretty clearly this thing will not

fit through the door. Cool. That's good. Bottle neck attack. Everybody get inside the room and shoot at the open doorway. When the spider gets here. I'm going to wait

and stab at it. Well, he's not going to make it through the door, right? So we have to use a ranged. So you pass through the door? Yeah. All right. As you get through the door, right? So you pass through the door? Yeah. All right.

As you get through the door, it slams into the doorway behind you, and it breaks apart and starts flowing through the door. Ew. Oh. Attack it. Attack it. There are now just a bunch of crystal spiders. It looks like about 20 of them headed towards all of you.

That's awful. Oh, so it broke into many smaller spiders yeah are they on the ground where are they uh there are about five on the ground and five on either side of the wall and it's still kind of breaking apart because there's a large mass on the other side of the door all. Everybody roll for initiative, please. Yes. Five. Just FYI, if it hadn't locked eyes with me, I would have not attacked it. 17.

14. 17. Oh, plus my initiative. 19. Say it again, everybody. Five. Tom, I have five. I missed everyone else because it was too close.

17. I'm slow. 14. Thank you. 19. Thank you. Thank you slow. 14. 19. Thank you. Thank you, Typha. Can I use this thing on it?

These are too weird to affect like a crystal spider. Yeah, I'm worried about that thing too. Hey, you guys. Yeah. You know, one thing I love about living in Hollywood is I run into a lot of celebrities. I still get a thrill out of meeting famous people. And you know who I met the other day? You know who?

I met... Roll a dice for me while you do this. Bob Undies, the CEO of MeUndies. And let me tell you what, you guys. Are we going to lose a future sponsor right now? I've never had a more comfortable conversation. I'm telling you guys, have a conversation with Bob Undies for a month.

It's going to change the way you have conversations. Just try it. Four. Alright, so... It all paid off. Esmeralda, you're up first. Huh. Okay, I guess I'm

battle axing the nearest spider. Go for it. Roll to attack. With my bonus 17. Alright, that's a hit. And You know, while she's rolling, you guys, you also Bonus 17. All right, that's a hit. And... You know what?

She's rolling, you guys. You know who else I ran into at the Beverly Connection the other day? There's no way I would know. Mack Weldon. Oh, of... East Coast Weldons? Yeah, well, he has...

He's the CEO of that Mack Weldon underwear company. He shoved me into an escalator and told me to quit saying shit about his company. Oh, okay. Random. Tom, a spider jumps on your arm. Ow. Yipe.

Gulp. And a bunch of crystals go into your arm and do seven points of damage. It's weird. Every time I do crystal, I get spiders on me. Twee, you're up. So, when these things get hit,

they explode into more spiders, right? Does that seem to be... Yeah, although hopefully at some point that's not true. Do you want to look at what just happened to the spider that she killed? Would you like to use your bonus action to observe? I would like to kind of see, yeah. Do an investigation check, please. What's your number?

My investigation is a plus three and i rolled a 10 so you notice it kind of collapses into a pile of pink dust but it's kind of bouncing like the pile of dust is kind of like like almost like it's uh sitting on top of a speaker and you notice that it's there's still a humming noise all around you. Is it... You still have two attack moves, but you've used your bonus action. Oh, do you know what? The sound crystallizes these creatures. Maybe the more sound there is.

Or different frequencies of sound. It's like those... I can't remember the name of the patterns, but when you adjust frequencies and put sand on a speaker, it changes patterns. So if maybe there's more blood, these things create different creatures,

or if the frequency's different, there's different things coming at us. Shattered high frequency might shatter them. Yeah, so maybe all we need is blood and we can meet Cher. All we need is blood. Are you meet Cher. Oh, we need blood. Are you going to fight him? Or are you going to do something else with your combat action?

My combat action? I guess I'm going to... The thing's coming at us. Right now there's 15 through the doorway. You know what? I'm going to... Uh-oh. I'm going to kill a kid.

Is there a kid around? No. The nearest Chuck E. Cheese is 10 miles away. I mean, we can't... Oh, sorry. You know what? I think I'm just going to

hit it with a firebolt. See if I can... All right. Roll for damage. Stop some stuff. I'm going to save. hit it with a firebolt see if i can roll for damage stop some stuff let me save nine 14. all right so if i split that up uh you you managed to um kind of scuff

a few of them but two of them explode in a dust kind of scuff a few of them, but two of them explode in the dust. Same sort of thing. They're just kind of pulsing on the ground. Just kick the dust around as we're moving. Boaty, you're up. Who's right in front of me?

I wish I had... There are... 12 spiders in front of you. Some on the wall, some on the ground Well I'm going to stomp on the ones in front of me Okay, roll to attack That'd be a 14

That's a hit What do you roll to stomp? Let's see That that would be an unarmed strike. That is a... It's five damage, bludgeoning it looks like. Oh, so you don't roll. No, but with your strength bonus, so you manage to crunch one under your foot and do a bunch of powder. So it goes...

Cool. Next action, I would do tragedy, the same thing. Assuming that you are raging then? Yeah. Go for it. That's a 12. Is that it? Yep.

And another one goes crunch, crunch. Okay, cool. And that is your Yep. And another one goes crunch crunch. Okay, cool. And that is your turn. Yeah. Up next will be, for Tom, both Gago and Typha will go. And before either of them can go, 15 more spiders come through the doorway. So there are now 25 spiders in the room, and it looks like there's still sort of a mass of crystals on the other side of the doorway kind of puking these things into the room.

Oh, I didn't take my second attack. I forgot. Too late now? No, I understand. I'm just reminding you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No I didn't take my second attack I forgot. Uh too late now. I know I understand I'm just running. Yeah yeah yeah. Can I yell something? Um. Stay out of here you spiders. Yes. Portal! Uh and um before anyone else. Yeah we got another one. Just go go uh this one jumps on you twee uh and crystals uh kind of shoot into your stomach and do six points of damage

uh there's like a large sort of face hugger sized uh crystal spider on your stomach trying to get inside your guts. Gordo! How can we get past the portal? Just run. They're little spiders, right? Gago flies to the back of the chamber in a panic. He is not even trying to fight.

Typha tries to stab one and misses. And Tom, you're up. I cast Grease. Okay. I'm going to grab in front of the guy pouring in. Okay. I forgot how much you love to grease everything. Splatters all over the place.

You look like you may have bought like a second or two from these things slipping around, but that's it. Do we have a torch? We have a torch, right? Yeah, I have one. it. Do we have a torch? We have a torch, right? Yeah, I have one. And it looks like Esmeralda is up.

Okay, so is anything actually physically blocking the door, or is it just like a lot of little guys coming in now? Yes, it looks like at least half, if not more, of the large beasts that chased you here is still breaking apart and turning into smaller spiders that are flying through the doorway okay i put more i put more blood on the altar yeah yeah this is my first thing that i'm gonna do yeah how

much blood are you aiming for wait don't we think the bloods withdrew them maybe but then but then uh twee's theory was that maybe we need more. At this point, we gotta do something, and I figure I can distract them, and at least I'm screaming, pull! You guys can run. It's a sacrifice chamber. Do an Arcana, as you

cut yourself, Arcana check difficulty of 15. I already put my dice away. I know. It's getting ready to wrap this episode up. I'm telling you, Bob Undies, best conversation I've had. Just really breathable, comfortable.

You're not sure how much blood is wise to put on the altar. So you tell me on a scale of 1 to ten don't even roll a dice scale one to ten how close to passing out do you want to go with uh putting blood on this altar um halfway like a five yeah so uh do a medicine i'm also screaming portal do a all over. Do a medicine roll difficulty of 10. Why does she keep yelling, pour it all over? 19. You don't hit a vein as you cut your arm, and blood starts pouring out,

and we'll go ahead and find out what happens next time. Thanks for listening, guys. Follow us on Patreon. BrianPersane.com Not a ton of shows this summer, but check them out there. Thanks for listening.

Thanks, guys. Thanks for listening to another episode of Nerd Poker. You can follow us at patreon.com slash nerdpoker, and you get bonus episodes from there. And you can also send us anything at P.O. Box 16069, Encino, California, 91416. Thanks for listening.