Nerd Poker - Episode 18 - Deep in Misery's Halo

Episode Date: August 16, 2017

Their new gifts and burdens weighing on their backs, our heroes Bodhi, Twee, and Tom venture deeper into the windy mists that circle Misery's Finger. Their new friend they love to hate, Shmoo, also reaches out again to make contact. Will Dan stop saying "so- uh" a thousand times? Will Goggo get everyone killed by being a creep with a short attention span? Only time will tell.

Hey, it's Brian Possehn. I used to have a podcast where I played Dungeons & Dragons with a bunch of my friends. I missed it, so I decided to make a new one. It's called Brian Possehn's Nerd Poker. It's myself, a couple of my buddies, Blank and Patch, Dan Telfer, Ken Daly, an occasional guest or two, and we're gonna be playing in a new setting, my dining room. Each week you'll hear my wife, my son, my dogs, and we're gonna be playing in a place that I love and playing the game that I've loved half my

life, Dungeons & Dragons. We've got fifth edition and we're ready. So are you ready? Here's Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker. Hey everybody. Make sure we started where we thought we were. It's Brian Poussaint and you're listening to Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker. Episode 18. Hi Ken. Hi Brian. Hi Dan. Poker, episode 18. Hi, Ken.

Hi, Brian. Hi, Dan. Hi, Blaine. Hey. Hi, Brian. Hi, Dan. Hi, Ken. Hi, Silent Sam.

Oh, hi. Hi. He went, he went, Sam. You know what's really weird is I saw Sam in the mall the other day. I rarely see him. That is really weird. Did you recognize each other out of context? He's taller than I thought he would be.

He's right there at the end of the table, but I've never really seen a good look at him. He's like, you're like 6'8". You're like Comey. You're like James Comey. That's crazy. I was freaked out. I was like, I went to see Joe Jackson at the House of Blues.

You know, Joe Jackson. Great, I love Joe Jackson. You were really going out. Great, I love Joe Jackson. Is she really going out with him? Yeah. No, I asked you a fucking question. I was shocked. Is she really going to take him home tonight? Come on, Dan, I don't want

to do fucking Joe Jackson lyrics and try to tell you how tall he was. I got the time. I got the time. Yeah, you got the time. Tick, tick, tick it in your head. I was alarmed at how tall and thin he was. I thought he was going to be like a little short guy. Oh, yeah? And he was like six and a half feet tall, very thin,

big head. He was great. I mean, he did Look Sharp. They did the whole album. He had his original band. They did the whole Look Sharp album. It was great. But I was alarmed at how tall he was. Did they put a spotlight on his shoes at any point?

They were really nice they laced up the side. Look Sharp. But anyway that was that was that. This is my Joe Jackson story. He was very tall. You know who else

is a lot taller than I thought? And then we can get right into it. I'm right here. Vern Troyer. I was like who the fuck is that? He's gotta be like on the chargers

or something I thought you were like one of the borrowers oh my god the dude is like had like clouds around his head and you figured out

he was bigger and taller because you lifted him off the ground and tried to put him in your pocket and it just didn't work you know what

it was weird it was very esher-y I put him in my pocket but he was still so much bigger than I was I was alarmed at how much bigger he was still so much bigger than I was. I was alarmed at how much bigger he was than Joe Jackson.

There's a big problem with height perception. Yeah, it's... I got hit in the back of the head with a shovel. Now everything looks like I'm walking up steps. What happened in episode 17 is what I'm wondering. Before we get into that, I want to really quick... No, I'm serious. What happened in episode 17 Is what I'm wondering Before we get into that I want to really quick

No I'm serious What happened Oh I'll go You found out that I was in a relationship With your mother Just nine months

Before you were born What the hell Also I wanted to Matt doesn't check out I can't really What It occurred to me That in the old nerd poker

Is your phone What Nothing You would occasionally get Like letters from Oh yeah yeah fight. I can't really watch. It occurred to me that in the old nerd poker... Is your phone? What? Nothing. You would occasionally get letters from people who had paid money and we haven't really thanked specific people on Patreon yet who are... So I'm going to pull up some random people.

What if they don't want to be recognized? Call out some randos. I'm sure they're okay. i feel like they're okay because you could do first name and initial all right um but uh thank you uh matthew grenzicki thanks matthew thank you thank you justin jimfer. Thanks, Sarah. Thank you, Bee Trainer. Bee? Bee. Like B-E-A or Bee the Letter?

Like the letter B. Yeah, he's the first one. Bee. Fly, my bee. Not like Aunt Bee. Fly. Thank you, Dr. Rhinoceros. Pollinate those trees.

Thanks, Dr. Rhinoceros. Doc Rhino. Now, is he a medical doctor or a... Spiderman villain. Psychiatrist. Speaking of people who may not be using their real names, thank you El Toro

Satanico. Satanico. Oh, I get it. That was my given name. I actually changed it to Brian Poser. Satanic Bolnico-stein. Thank you, Wyatt Fuller. Thanks, Wyatt.

And thank you, Cooper Murphy. Cooper. Coop. Thank you. Thanks, Cooper. Thanks, Cooper Murphy. Thanks, Cooper. So on our last NerdPoker.

No, seriously. Thanks, you guys. Yeah, seriously. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I mean, and all of you guys who are contributing. We'll do that again. Did you write all those names down

so you don't do them again next time? Nope. Just do all the same names every time. I feel like because we're actually reaching a really cool number of Patreons, 954 as we record this, the odds are low that I will randomly generate the same number of people,

but even if we do, who cares? And yeah, man, we're so close. To 1,000. So we're going to, when that happens. 999 and four-fifths. Brendan Small from Home Movies. Mostly known for Home Movies. Where he played Brendan.

And Largo. Largo Comedy Club and clubs and colleges around the country. He'll be here. And Fish Hooks. You may know him from the Jack in the Box on La Brea.

He does R&B Apocalypse. Is that what it is? R&B Apocalypse. Yeah,. He does R&B Apocalypse. Is that what it is? R&B Apocalypse. Yeah, I'm thinking R&B Apocalypse. He's going to do a guest appearance on a live Twitch stream, you guys. Or some other video streaming thing. We'll figure out that Patreons can easily access. Yeah, we might just do it on the Patreon account.

Yeah, the Patreon account has this thing you may have seen if you're already a Patreon called Crowdcast, which is way more like of a silly, like smaller deal than Twitch, but makes it a lot easier to just broadcast, especially for Patreon. And when we did a test, it was a heck of a lot less buggy. Yeah, yeah.

So I'm inclined to go with what works best for the people who are throwing us the bonus yeah exactly uh and then we're about to have uh we haven't even recorded august uh bonus episodes yet but those are coming up soon for our patreon listeners and everybody else uh yeah keep an eye out and uh who knows uh we could get Cher as a guest, you guys. Totally. That could happen. I heard she's a gamer. Sorry, my DM is taking over your whole table today, Brian. She mostly plays Warriors, so she and I got to figure something out.

Cher and I play a lot of Star Frontiers, but let's go back to the board because we're taking our fourth caller. You're going to go see Fariner. Give us a call. Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello. Hey. Hi. Sorry. You're number one. Oh, I would like to be number four. Oh, sorry. You're going to have to report to

the Disintegration Chamber. Please. So, on our last episode of NerdPoker, you guys departed Count Barriss' castle. You made sort of a deal with the vampire he is going to help you lay siege to the demolith once you increase your numbers so you took if i finally

printed out these maps that sean bryant made of this smaller area of amina and uh you made it about this far uh you're currently going through the southeast mountain pass you could have gone southwest or southeast you went southeast and you're in a thick greenish yellow fog you can't see you can't see too much

it must be close to P. Soup Anderson a couple of things worth remembering you guys are starting to get tired in lieu of resting you decided you wanted to go through a whole lot of geographical area and not stop to save time. So you've been going for about eight hours on very fast steeds with 20-foot-long stilt legs. Your butts are starting to get a little sore. We should go camping and take some Tylenol DDs.

But we can't see in front of us. You can't see in front of it. You've slowed down a little because of the fog. And also, you're really high off the ground. So as Tom suggested, you developed kind of a rope system between the three of you. So you're all connected. Gago currently can't see very well so he is perched on tom's shoulder and uh bode has a an armless legless mouthless noseless uh earless flesh bag strapped

to his back uh have we decided he's called shmoo no uh yeah let's call him shmoo but a listener wanted to remind us of how creepy a Barba Papa is. You guys weren't familiar with that, but it was like some weird foreign cartoon I saw in that. He's pink. Schmoo had a mustache. He's a bummer. Schmoo had, yeah, like a weird McDonald's manager mustache.

Oh, Jesus. You should lead with that. But, again, this guy has been trying to reach out to you guys telepathically from time to time. So far, yes. They tried me on Gmail. This is my name on Gmail.

Tom Barris did a Harlan Ellison job on this guy using him for spare necromancy parts. You're thinking eventually you might pick up enough of a wavelength to figure out what language he's trying to speak to you, but as of now you're kind of... Yeah, look at that. Look at those whiskers

on Shmoo. Imagine Shmoo with no mouth or legs. Shmoo from Pogo? I remember there was the new Shmoo review. It was on, I think it was ABC. Yes, 1979. Oh, there was the new shmoo review it was on i think it was abc yes 1979 oh there was a new shmoo review as well yeah it was i can't do the voice right now my i'm getting over a thing but it was uh very very high and annoying and it was just like this a group of faceless uh

crime solving teen assholes and then this thing that could change form. It's the new shmoo. The incredible new shmoo. The thing your parents liked. Here it is again. You don't know who it is. Here it is again. I think it came from Pogo, though. It was a Walt Kelly creation. Like the Jeep?

You're right. What else should I remind you guys? No Al Cap, actually. Oh. He was in Little Abner. Ah. There you go. Oh. So it was Pogo, yes. He was in Little Abner. Ah, that's what it was. Little Abner sucked.

God, what an unfailing piece of shit Little Abner was. The only thing that ever came out good, that came out of Little Abner was Frank and Ernest. I don't know that reference, so I'm going to get back into describing what you guys just encountered no it didn't come out of a comic strip I like I just wanted to kind of

fuck with somebody at home hey wait a minute sometimes I listen back to the episodes for uh like Andrew Dice Clay's wife is having an affair. That reminds me. Yeah, I miss Frank.

Frank, if you're out there. Pickery, pickery, dot, whoa. Siri does not have a number for you, Frank. That would have been great if Siri had started dictating his number to us over the air. How the hell did that even happen? I don't know.

That is so weird. Siri, what's wrong with you? Oh, so I was... Your Grindr profile for Kip and Dada is not bringing up any matches. Sometimes I'll listen back to the episode for edit points, and I'll notice that I don't understand one of blaine's references and so i will step on any possible laughs and he will like finish the sentence and i'll start talking like right away just like because my brain is on autopilot you know i

don't care about that if i cared about that i'd be dead all i'm really doing is also admitting how dumb I am. I was alive for a lot of his references, and I don't remember some. I'm going to try to get some Barry Bostwick stuff in tonight, if you guys are ready. Also some Jackson Bostwick. He played Captain Marvel, which're ready. There were some... Also some Jackson Bostwick. He played Captain Marvel. Shazam.

Oh, shit. Yeah. He's the first Brie Larson. Shazam. Different Captain Marvel. You know what's weird about Shazam is they never... Captain Marvel? Captain Marvel?

In the Motorhome on the TV show? In the Motorhome on the ABC TV show, yeah. I'd like to apologize to the listeners for how many times I've said so, uh, in the last five minutes. It's okay. I took a lot of shit for saying everything was weird when I described stuff. Oh, by the way, you know what's weird about Shazam? Is they never show him changing back into Gummer Pile. Oh, my god.

So, there were some spectral humans that you bumped into in this fog. Yes, that's right. You got the sense both that they were human, but also perhaps not completely corporeal. More human than human. More human than human.

That was a really good Rob Zombie impression, I gotta say. Really, really. God, did you ever hear the... I know he's a friend of the show, but they released the audio vocal track only of that song it's really great without the guitars it's just like he's going like yeah yeah sounds like a danzig's oh face so uh house by the way oh man i want to buy it i think it's it would be a teardown though wouldn't it's like 1.2 it looks like a cool house but it's a

total teardown but the land would be perfect it's a great location Mavis Mavis the last thing you guys did was Blaine played a little song called detect evil and well something interesting happens when you do that

blaine yes i end up sounding like jeff lynn from elo yep so uh what do you guys do no um when you when you ping off detect evil it sends sort of the waves out to all sides and above you don't really get anything in front of you, behind you, or to the sides, but right above your head, about 20 feet above your head, you feel some evil presences rushing by, sort of head on.

But within the span of just five seconds, you feel four or five just whoom, whoom we're like, we're in this area, right? Yes. Well, isn't that what we're, I mean, isn't that what's drawn there? These ghosts, like a, it looks like a river of ghosts, kind of. Yeah, although you just encountered. Connor isn't on my cool at all. I mean, in the map here.

Sean's our guy? Sean Bryant, yeah. Sean Bryant, it's such a great... It's so cool. All his art has been amazing. But it looks like, for the listeners, it looks like a little river of souls, right? Yeah, so you're not surprised?

Are we sort of like a little river band? What do you say? But you do think these might not be what you've been encountering on foot. You know, you managed to get your steeds. Your steeds were kind of outrunning these people reaching out to you, calling for you to help. That's right, right. But you feel like there's some other sort of evil spectral forms above you, but only like 20 feet above you. You can't see that far above you.

Is it a constant flow of them? Yeah. Just from the short ping of detect evil, you suddenly like... It's like a Saturn's ring of spirits. Yeah. And also, even though you're kind of up on these steeds... Or a river of souls.

You feel like you're kind of... You're kind of halving the distance between yourselves and these evil things shooting over by being up on these steeds. All right. Okay. Got it. Anyway, there we are defeating the vampires.

Now what happens? We were talking about taking a break anyway, right? You could. I mean, it was something that I just wanted to give you a sense of your stamina. Do you guys feel confident taking a nap in pea soup? Yeah, not exactly because I don't know if we're near any sort of... Hey, you know, I have a little thing called Liam and Tiny Hut.

Perfect. Yeah, you've been using that, actually. Yeah, we can sleep in there and nobody will fuck with us. No one can... No normal creature can see through it. Yeah, we might want to take shifts anyway, but we have

NPCs, right? You have two NPCs with you. No mouth. No mouth is good for nothing. Can he wiggle around? If you see something, he'll wiggle around on your back.

He does communicate, right? Yeah, telepathically. Oh, telepathically. But we don't understand his language. Right. Oh, that's right. It's perfect. And it's super whiny.

Yeah. It's not that fun to be around. How do you know it's whiny? All you've heard is like an echo of acknowledgement, and you're being pretty judgmental of old Schmoo here. Mm-hmm. I thought it was new Schmoo of old Schmoo here. Mm-hmm. I thought it was new Schmoo. New Schmoo review coming right at you.

Don't mind me. Hey, Blaine, what is Dan looking at? Shit, is he looking at a monster manual? Yeah. Damn it. What's Dan looking at a Monster Manual brought to you by? Oh, Lamps Minus. You need a...

That is such a valley rabbit. I don't think anywhere in the country there's a Lamps Plus, but I hope so. You need a lamp? Sorry about that. Lamps Minus. Do you drive by Lamps Plus on the way to my house? Is that how you got that? No, it was the only thing I could think of When you startled me into trying to think of something

I was actually My wife gets very upset Because whenever we drive by When I go, hey do we need anything from Lamps Plus? She hates it when I call it Lamp Spluss. I don't hate it. She also hates it when I call it Starb-Ux. All right, so...

Starb-Ux. What do you guys want to do? I want to go to Starb-Ux. I want to rock. We're going to keep traveling. I think we're going to cuddle up in the hut Is it hut time? Yeah, we got 8 hours in the hut

10 foot radius, a mobile dome of force 9 creatures of medium size or smaller can fit inside the dome How tall is the dome? It is a 10 foot radius, I guess it's like a sphere. The atmosphere inside the space, comfortable and dry.

Can't those dicks fold up their legs? Well, once you start talking about this with some certainty, they start to lower themselves to the ground. Their stilt legs kind of shrink down. Right. And you guys can hop off pretty simply. Okay. Also, when you do this, you uh they kind of perch up on two

legs and they do this kind of awkward thing you've seen before uh where they kind of like their deer legs kind of go up like this and then slowly uh their limbs kind of buckle and turn into more humanoid shape so it's almost like a human they're weird. But they've got like a hard deer skull-like head and big antlers still. All right, I get it. They're fucked. So they're like furry humanoid deer. Thanks.

Yeah. Thanks for all your help, you fucking weirdos. Take a nap. Is the soup any thinner down here? A little bit. There's kind of a very thin break, like six inches off the ground

where you can tell. You see more. Now that you're closer to the ground, it is like a wind that's blowing through. Blaine, are you going to try casting yeah great throw up a little uh little hut you notice when you do um the uh the the vapor gets trapped in there a little bit and it starts to sort of swirl in a, like,

like a little, it's almost like you broke off a piece of cotton candy and now it's starting to spin itself inside the hut. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Is there anybody that has anything that could get that out of there? No one has like a bag of holding or anything like that.

I have a protection from evil. Is that actually evil, this swirl? You don't think so. Okay. Blaine's not getting any kind of evil vibe off of it. There's something supernatural about this. It was the things above us that was pinging. Yes. Yeah, not this thing yeah blaine got the impression there was some sort of evil beings above right right okay why don't

we let that one do that and we i relearn the spell and cast it again cool um also i'll remind blaine that uh if you are resting uh if you if you study one of your scrolls the final countdown spell that count barris gave you uh it'll take yeah it'll take a couple more rests before you memorize it completely but you can mark this one off as uh part one of three towards learning the spell. Okay. Um, also while you're resting, uh, Tom.

Yes. Uh, I'm sorry, Tom. Yeah. What's going on? Uh, you,

you examine your gloves a little more and you get a little bit, your new fingerless gloves, you get a better sense of what you can do. And, uh, uh, you start do. And you start to learn. You start to remind yourself like there's a delayed reaction where you can actually do something with your hands in front of you. Put your hands behind your back and it looks like if you focus, you can make it look like your hands are still not behind your back kind of a thing. That's pretty cool.

All right. That's nice. The wisp doesn't do anything. So you guys, I don't know if you want to hit the hay, go to sleep, ask Gago to take first watch. If you trust him, if one of you guys wants to take first watch, ask Shmoo to take first watch. I'll take it. Cool. You guys, also

before you pass out, you get another before you sleep. You get another ping off Shmoo. Could everyone please do a wisdom check. Difficulty 15. So look at your modifier, add that.

Tell me if it's 15. It's definitely not one from Tom. I rolled a new nail. Yes. Plus three. Ooh. Four. Yep. uh yes plus three oh four yep uh bode you hear a voice from your back as you take this thing off and lay it on the ground um and it's clearly uh trying to say something in uh el, Elvish. Oh, you're not sure what it is, but you're like,

Oh, it's an elf. Damn it. Um, uh, you twee, uh, can't quite make out all of what it's saying because it's not a,

uh, a, a dialect of Elvish that you normally speak. Sure. But, uh, you can make out that it's thanking you, um, and that it hopes it can help you in the near speak. Sure. But you can make out that it's thanking you and that it hopes it can help you in the near future.

Wow. How could it help us? You want to ask that, Blaine? Yeah. It says it believes you're taking it to where it is from. Oh. Taking who? Where?

The wisp. This little wisp in our thing? Yeah, he's an elf. Oh, wait, what? Shmoo is an elf. He's speaking to us. Oh, that was the wisp. I'm sorry. I was passed out on the floor. The wisp is not communicating with you at all.

It's still kind of twirling in the middle. Like a dust devil. You have like a yellow dust devil stuck in the dome with you. I have no idea what happened. Yeah, you don't manage to catch anything. You're just communicating. I was communicating with him. You actually botched your wisdom roll, we'll say.

You just go to sleep. In the game and in real life. I'm with you, buddy. Isn't life just one big botched wisdom rule um but yeah uh blaine you feel like you can comfortably communicate with it though you're missing a few words here and there it seems to be able to hear what you say for the most part it doesn't have any ears but you think it must have some sort of ear bone underneath its skin where it can pick up vibrations and make out words like it, like some sort of auto lift.

Yes. Fuck. That's gross. I wish I hadn't, uh, put so much thought into this specific kind of necromancy that was going on in this game. But,

uh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Why? I appreciate its help. And I don't mind carrying it because it doesn't weigh much because it's just

a sack of meat. Where does it want to go? It says the woods you're headed for is its home. What else is in the woods? It says something along the lines

of more of me but in one piece. It also says... There's like a giant schmoo in the woods that you're a piece of. Like a goat of the woods. I think he was an elf

from this elf tribe that we're going to and then D dipshit did a comparison yeah did some experiments on him he also says something else that you don't understand what he's saying but he says there's also like a race around excuse me what who huh Excuse me? What, who, huh? Rarid. What the what? Okay, that's creepy. Alright, well let's we'll figure it out and if worse comes to worse, we'll kill him.

Who smooed the first hour? Whatever. Everybody's dead in five minutes. Four, three, two... You gonna unleash the fucking fury? Alright, well I'm gonna begin the hourly encounter roll

if you guys are gonna start resting and going on walks. Do you guys wanna split an encounter roll and we'll also get a rattlesnake roll? I'm just gonna get some edamame. One hour. I really like the cooked kind. Two hours.

How many hours are you going before you want to rest and wake somebody up? I'm good for three or four. Okay. Well, three or four. Four hours just went by. Nothing happens. Wake up. Somebody.

How's that erection? Are you going to wake up? Sure, I'll do it. Poop, poop, poop, poop. Five. Seven. Seven lands in the tent. Eaten by giraffes.

Nothing happens. Eight hours go by. The dome starts to flicker. All right. Wake up, you guys. What happened? Oh, man. What a drag. I didn't take a watch, but thanks for the sleep.

The two steeds kind of stand up, shake themselves off, hunch over. Their limbs kind of snap back into deer formation. What's the wisp doing? As soon as the dome disappears, the wisp just kind of

blows off into the rest of the fog. You don't really know. Perhaps it was a good friend that came and protected us from the tide. Somebody we killed. I think he was. He was flipping us off the whole time. Shall we continue?

Sure. So you hop up and the deer seem to understand where you want to go uh they extend their legs once the three of you uh do you uh put the ropes together again and you're still gonna do a lead and um seems the same tom had yeah peace seems the same uh tom you'd also suggested at some point singing a song so you can see each other easily uh that sounds like a good How would that go, Tom? Just what makes that little old ant think he can move that rubber tree plant and he wouldn't know

how it goes. And move the rubber tree plant but he's got high hopes. Come on. He's got high hopes. I love you. Oh, my God.

High apple pie in the sky. High hopes. So in the dream. That I don't know. So I don't know. Just shit my pants. All right. I just shit my pants. Are you just traveling? Anything you want to say? I'll sing along.

The hour goes by. Whoops, I did it again. Extreme. There it is. A retreat plan. That's Well, there it is. A retreat plan. That's sports, right? So you're making pretty good time again. You're not sure how far

you're getting, but the fog's not letting up. Also, you can tell just from the sound of the wind, the mountain is to your left. The big mountain. And there's more hills is to your left uh the big mountain and there's more hills to the left you feel like there might be more to the right also because you're in the mountains but for the most part the ground is is bumpy and rocky and and uh there's no vegetation

um it seems very arid. Hey, Rocky. But before you hit hour two, Mark, you get a really weird vibe. Everyone do a perception check. Okay. That doesn't seem high enough. Fourteen. Five. I did not make mine.

I got an eighteen. Tom, you realize you haven't seen Gago in a couple minutes. Gago. Gago? All of a sudden, you hear a screeching noise above you. Oh, Jesus.

And Gago appears very suddenly, as does the face and arms of a humanoid that is screeching loudly as it descends from the fog. Chasing Gago? Yes. Hmm. Okay. Chasing Gaga? Yes. Okay. Who's closest?

Or should we roll? Slightly closer to Tom, but this thing is storming down on all three of you. I think for the most part, you just feel like Gaga is leading this thing back to you on accident as he panics. Okay.

I'm going to try shooting a fireball at it. All right. We're back. I just like imagining Rodney Dangerfield in a pilot's helmet that says no respect on the front. It's me. I'm in wings whoa so uh yeah did i do this already do we talk or did i tell you about the norm mcdonald book did you read are you a norm fan no no oh you're not ed it's he's so funny but the book is amazing and one of the his last book he did, and one of my favorite parts is in it. And he goes, you know, I'll give you some Hollywood inside information,

you know, because I'm in Hollywood and I know these things. Rodney Dangerfield was very talented and very funny, but he got no respect. Not everybody knows this, but no one respected him. And's so and then you just you're reading it but you hear norm's voice in your head while you're it's so funny uh yeah when i was on last comic standing norm was the nicest of the three judges to me and he was like yeah you uh you do those comic book conventions or something there's like a market for what you do. Oh, that's nice. Sort of. Backhanded being normie.

No, I'm just talking until I'm away from you. Were you on when Roseanne was on there? Yes. Roseanne didn't understand what a metaphor was, and I had to actually explain to her in front of the audience while Anthony Jeselnik doubled over laughingly. A metaphor is when one idea

represents another idea when spoken literally. She's like, if you have to explain it, it's not funny. Oh, God. She's completely lost her mind. She didn't have anything to lose. I can think of something if you explain it, it's pretty funny. Oh, God. She's completely lost her mind. For years.

She didn't have anything to lose. I can think of something, if you explain it, it's pretty funny. Ask me what it is. What's that? Farting. Oh, it comes from digested food. So, you guys have some sort of spirit barreling down on you from straight up. Yep.

Screaming. I'm guessing it's a banshee. Is it like great swords? Yeah, fire bolts. And yeah, we're going to roll attack first, so before you shoot that fire bolt, let's get your initiative. Okay.

Twelve. Oh wait, what are we? Twenty? Yeah, yeah yeah yeah okay initialize initialize 8

alright let's see uh 12 as I was saying I got 12 also uh do you plus to your initiative I sure do

uh wait a minute I'm gonna give it to Tom Because he's slightly closer Do you have a plus to your initiative? I don't know You should put it on your sheet

If you do so this will not happen to you again I don't know I don't know Oh god I don't know God what if he just melted down right now I didn't know what I had I don't know. God, what if he just melted down right now? I didn't know what I had and I couldn't find it. So you fire off a fireball. Yeah.

And it goes against its face. And it takes some damage, but it does not get very distracted by your fireball. Oh, I got it. Damage. Damage. it takes some damage but it does not get very distracted by your fireball it takes less than 4 damage you're up Vody rage okay I'm mad about something you're up Vody rage okay I'm mad about something I'm gonna rage

I'm gonna rage or I'm gonna drink a bunch of Mickey's Big Mouths and listen to Van Halen either way either definition of raging what about the Jersey Scott definition Jersey Scott or? Which one?

Jersey Scott or Kill Sheep. That's to attack plus what? So that's 17. That's a hit. That's 19. Yeah, that's definitely a hit. Yeah. And then Plus that's 19. Yeah, that's definitely a hit. Yeah. Okay.

And then... Let's see here. Sorry, listeners. Trying to find my die. There we go. God damn it. Dirk's a jerk. What are my bonuses on that? So it's... I'm looking.

48 and 6. Nice. So... 11. And... Is that right? No. You don't roll again.

It's just... Yes, it's 11. 11 on that guy. Okay. But I get another attack. Yes. As you swing your sword through it, it takes some damage, but you notice your sword just kind of goes...

through it. Oh, so is it not even... I thought you said it was humanoid. You see arms and a face. Okay. But you slash over Tom's head as it descends towards him and as it passes through it.

Your sword doesn't slow down. Okay. Well, can I slash it again? Yes, you certainly can. So that's 14. Will that work on that one? Mm-hmm. Okay. Wait, 14 total? Yes, you certainly can. So that's 14. Will that work on that one? Mm-hmm.

Okay. Wait, 14 total? Yeah. Yep, that's a hit. Oh, yeah. Actually, it would be 16. Yeah. Yeah, really?

And then... How much damage? Seven. Okay. Same thing. Goes right through it. You feel as if you've done some damage, but oddly little resistance as your sword passes through it.

Tui, you are up. Oh, wait. What do I have that's plus two damage to undead here? Oh, yeah Oh yeah yeah yeah your pauldrons. You're right, that does do a little more damage. But

it doesn't slow your sword down as it goes through. No I know. Thanks for reminding me. That's four more points that you're going to do to this guy. Blaine, you're up. I'm going to do also a firebolt on it. Cool. No big deal.

Nothing to see here. Sorry. But damn. You should have looked this up while I was... Cool. This thing... Read any good books, guys? The D&D Player's Handbook. this thing any good books guys okay 2d10 says 20. That's it.

Sweet. So that fireball hits it a lot harder, and it gets knocked back a little ways away from you, Tom. And it is up gago what is that thing i don't know man but uh i was just trying to scout for you guys that's all i was doing man

what the fuck oh man you know i don't i don't usually tell people this, but I just peed all over my pants. Like, a lot. And I'm not going to wash them. I'm not going to change them. No, man, it's fairy pee. It's great. It smells really

kind of fragrant. You ever had fairy pee, man? It's like a natural cologne. I think that's a fragrance at Hot Topic. It sounds like a Japanese vitamin beverage. Oh, do you got a connection at Hot Topic. It sounds like a Japanese vitamin beverage. Oh, do you got a connection on Hot Topic? Can you help me sell this shit?

I want to get a... I want to start, you know, what do they call it when you sell stuff like at a certain rate at like a shop? I forget. Consignment? Yeah! I want to get like a consignment from a fairy play. You know what I'm saying? This guy knows small business.

He says as the spirit reaches for Tom. Ouch. So he has no idea what this thing is. No, he has no fucking clue. What the fuck is this shit? I'm going to need you.

What's your AC? A million You sure wish Remember you recently got some new armor That gave you a plus one Yeah so twelve Well sadly this is a hit Please do a constitution check

Difficulty ten Sixteen Eight Plus 16 8 plus 9 always so time for something not so fun to happen

oh no Joy Behar how many points you got? Oh Jesus what is this fucking thing 26 You take 16 points of damage and

your maximum hit points are temporarily reduced by 10. What? So he's dead? No, he just took some necrotic damage. Oh, okay. That's not necrotic damage. You are up, Tom.

That should be a ban, though. Oh, fuck. I should be a band though. Fuck, I'm going to cast a Thunder Wave. Thunder. Give it a shot. At that fucking thing. Okay, what's the damage? What's Thunder Wave brought to us by Blaine?

If you'd be so kind. U.S. Leggy. We run more than most people do by 9 a.m.S. Leggy. We run more than most people do by 9 a.m. Join the Leggy. It's like the Army, but more about logs. Jesus Christ. Oh my god. Thunderwave! Thunderwave.

Thunderwave. Thunderwave. Wave of Thunder's force sweeps out from you. On a failed save, creature takes 2d8 thunder damage. Push 10 feet away. Go for it. On a successful save, creature takes half as much damage and is not pushed. Okay. Get him.

Oh, I just cast. Okay. Oh, so damage. Mm-hmm. He fails his resist. Not that much of it. Seven. Four.

He takes less than that in damage. Hey, Twee. Hey, Bodhi. Please do a dexterity check. Difficulty 15. Both of us? Oh, yeah. The guy next to you just did a thunder wave. First pointing at the thing.

It goes all over the place. Oh, really? Yeah, I made mine. You made it? Yeah. How about you? No. Okay, Bodhi. Nine.

Roll a six-sided. One. Okay, so you take one point of damage as you fall off your steed and land on the ground. Great, thanks, Ken. Just kidding. Tom did it, not me. You are now out of melee range

from this beast that is coming after Tom. Okay. You're up, though. It's your turn. It all happens fast enough that you don't lose a turn. You fall a pretty... But I'm out of range. Yeah.

So I can't fight him. What do you want to do with your turn, though? Not sure what I can do. I would try to get back up on top of the steam. Yeah, it'll take the turn for it to lower itself down to your height so you can hop back on it, but it starts. Tui, what do you want to do? I'm going to sing a little song.

It goes a little something like this. Oh, Lord, protect me from evil. That goes on like that for a while. It's very catchy. Anyway, I'm protected from evil. Sounds good. Good. Can I do something else like

run for my life or anything like that? You could start to if you want to you know what while i'm singing that song i'm gonna try to get myself away and uh into some sort of range where i can cast some things without hurting people okay sounds good that's definitely within your rights with your terms uh what you gonna do tom uh this thing takes a swipe. Well, you know, I should tell you what it does because it did just roll to attack you. One of its arms passes through you. Yeah.

Right through your chest. And I'm going to roll that one again. You don't want what just happened outside of my track. And you take another four points of damage. Damn it. Who can heal him? I have a little healing thing. It's mostly sexual, though.

Idiot. Okay, is it my turn? Yeah, get away. Yeah, I'm going to try to get you gonna which direction you're gonna go right now you see twee galloping away in the fog and below you you can see

Bodhi motioning for his steed to lower itself and it's lowering itself to him I'll go after twee go after tweee. Go after Twee? Yeah. Sounds good. Before you go, Bodhi,

Gago pulls his knives out and goes for this guy. And he does a bunch of little stabby stabs at its face. Get him.

Get him, Gago. And does one point of damage. You're up, Bodhi. Nice try, Gago. That'll do, Gago. That'll do. I'm going to rage again. I believe you're still raging, right? Yeah, yeah, you're not re-raging you're just letting me know

you're getting back up in the range as this thing lifts you up your steed has used it's turn to rise 15 sweet that is a hit 17 okay

come on uh 9 uh as you swing your sword through it it uh screeches and turns its attention away from tom and looks at you twee what you gonna do?

Oh, you get another swing. You get another swing. Get it in there. Holding pattern please, Tweed. Yeah, you gotta redo that one. Ooh. Much better. Go for damage

damge. But it's definitely looking at you now. Kill it. Re-kill it. Much better. Go for damage damge. But it's definitely looking at you now. Kill it. Re-kill it. That did better than that one. Is that a four? Yeah, eight. And that's with the undead bonus?

Oh, ten. Oh, great. Roll to resist. Another two on that last one. He fails to resist, so he takes a little extra damage. Uh-huh, fuck you. Tui, you are now up. Get him, Tui.

Would I be able to throw a hold person on this thing? Using what? My hold person spell. Oh. Good question. I'm going to look that up. I thought it would be nice to hold this thing like a person.

And then, you know, I don't know if we want to tickle it or make it like tell it embarrassing stories about when it was a baby in front of its girlfriend or if we want to I don't know frame it for embezzlement.

I think you should hold it till you both break down and cry. You are not sure. Okay. Well, I'm going to throw a whole person on it and just see what happens. Nothing happens. Oh, god damn it. I could have held somebody with that. All right. god damn it i could have held somebody with that all right um it howls at you bode reaches out with its arms and as it swipes your steed gallops to the side and it manages to miss you uh tom you are up thanks steed i i don't know if i'm in range to shoot an arrow at it uh i'm gonna say based on

how far twee went off and how you followed him you are about 20 feet away oh hold on go for it No. It passes through the foggy space between his arms and neck where his chest should be doing zero damage. Oh.

I hate this fucker. Gago. Get him, Gago. Alright. Here we go again. Gago again. Gago goes to stab this thing's face again. Half a point.

Thanks for nothing. I'm just going to get this foam out of here so I stop fumbling with my dice. Oops. Oh, shit. Sorry. Gago stabs it and grabs at its face.

Oh, good. When he does it. You are up, Bodhi. How many points did he throw on it? He did three points after a resist attempt. Okay. I'm going to stab it. Go for it. 18 plus. That's a hit.

Yeah. And seven. and seven that's a good one thirteen as you swing your sword through it you hear a strange

chattering noise as it disappears into the fog good eat it that's probably an hour right it is an hour disappears into the fog. Good. Eat it. That's probably an hour, right? It is an hour. Well, let's call episode 18.

You got any dates? Nothing to plug. I'm... Well, this is airing... Oh, yeah, this is soon. No, nothing for August. September, I'm all over Canada. Winnipeg, I got Kamloops, and I got Toronto.

JFL in Toronto, which will be super fun. JFL 42. Yeah, I did it two years ago, and that was one of the most fun shows I've done up there ever. Well, Toronto audiences are smart. They're amazing. Plus, Geddy Lee lives there. I'm going to see him this time.

Hey, hey, hey. What'd you say about his company is what you say about society. I would never say anything about his company, Blaine. All right, say, catch the mystery. I know I got it. I totally caught the mystery. Catch the mystery. I know.

I got it. I totally caught the mystery. I think I have a show in September. You think? No, I know I do, but I'm trying to figure it out. Where is it? In the backs of halls? In the high school halls? Conforma be cast out.

Oh, yeah. I'm going to be doing Jen Kirkman's show. Two favorite songs in life that you're quoting. I think, yeah, sometime in September I'll tweet about it. But Jen Kirkman's show at the Improv Lab in LA. I don't know if you heard that under Blaine's references. Subdivisions.

Thanks for listening. subdivisions. Alright, uh... Thanks for listening. Whee! Doggy! Shiny. I'm gonna be at the Great Wolf Lodge. Look for me on the water slides.

Thanks for listening, guys. Thanks for listening to another episode of Nerd Poker. You can follow us at patreon.com slash nerdpoker and you get bonus episodes from there. And you can also send us anything at P.O. Box one six zero six nine Encino, California, nine one four one six. Thanks for listening. You're a bastard