Nerd Poker - Episode 2 - Peppergreen

Episode Date: January 30, 2019

After having their lives thrown into stark relief by a terrible event, our adventurers learn to trust each other as they attempt to free themselves from their temporary prison. The more they escape, the more they learn about the world around them, which means... you guessed it... map time. The Cloddenheim continent's map is chock full of a thousand secrets. Thank you to Shaun Bryant, who went above and beyond illustrating a post-comet world ripe for many, many player notes.

Hey everybody, I'm Brian Pussain, Comedian, writer, actor, nerd. I've been playing D&D with my friends for a long time. I decided to do a new podcast where we play Dungeons & Dragons in my very own dining room. With my wife, kid, and my noisy dogs. So meet my friends Sarah, Kev, Dan, Blaine, Chris. Now it's time for another episode of Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker. Season three. Hey, everybody.

Right? Wrong. Yep, all of us. Wine. Hey, everybody. It's Brian Poussaint, right? No, no, you're not Brian. Oh, God. You're listening to Brian Poussain, right? No, you're not Brian. Oh, God.

You're listening to Brian Poussain's Nerd Poker. Season three, episode two. All my friends are here. Literally. Chris. Hi. Sarah. Hello.

Ken. Ken. Blaine. Hi. It's like a big show reunion. With his own microphone and headphones. Hi, everybody. It's Sam.

Sam. We'll make Sam need it. No, he'll do something this season. All right. He wants to, right? You want to? Yeah, I'd love to. By the way, we want all our listeners.

By now, he's probably better. He probably remembers the rules better than I have. I have to be told this a million times. Dip shits, look at the map. Dip shits, look at the map. I think we have great fan art that comes in for all the characters. I think this season,

I want to see some fan art for Sam. Oh, boy. I think that might exist. Yeah. I'm always interested to see what people think somebody's voice looks like. Preferably some slash drugs we get. Hey, you know what? I want to talk about a band.

Yeah, please. This week at Palladino's, we got Five Nights at Freddie Mercury's. It's all Queen covers performed by Rundown Animatronic Animal Jam Band from a defunct pizza place. Nice. That comes to us from Sir Arthur Crom Wellington III of Glennismore.

Wow. Oh, Glennismore. Nice. Don't forget Jerry. We won't. I saw some cool bands. Anybody else? Let's get down to what else you saw at Palladino's.

Oh, I saw Ronnie James Dion. Great 50s cover. I saw Aldo Nova Scotia. It's all Canadian Aldo Nova covers. I think Aldo Nova is from Canada. Well, now he's twice as from Canada. Also saw Millie Gino Vanilli. Pollyo Speedwagon.

It's a rock band. Say that one again. Pollyo Speedwagon. Pollyo. Pollyo Speedwagon. It's a rock band. Say that one again. Polio Speedwagon. Polio. Polio Speedwagon. They do all rock songs about string cheese. All right. And now you know who opened for them?

Who? Elton Skelton. What was that like? It's a very flamboyant red Skelton impersonator. Oh, okay. Yeah. Dressed like Donald Duck and did some silent clown stuff. I'm still cadittled.

Silent clown stuff. So you like mimes? Yeah. Well, not quite mimes. Some mimery? More like red skeleton, which is somewhere between clowning and mimes. In another region where babies go if they're not baptized. All right. in mimes in another region where babies go if they're not baptized. I'm going to see Cold Plaid.

It's a whiny British band doing the entire soundtrack of the Broadway musical Forever Plaid. Cold Plaid. Sorry, I made that up while Blaine was talking. It wasn't good. Gave me like an ice headache. Speaking of ice headache. Speaking of

ice headache, you guys are frozen. I am. I thought you were going to tell that Robbie Benson story. So you started off your adventure in an observatory in Clottenheim where you had been summoned by a gnomish inventor by the name of

Nibbendary Waxel Pezzlegig. Say that 20 times. Nibbendary Waxel Pezzlegig. Say that 20 times. Nibbond... No, don't. I didn't. I couldn't. You could say it once. Nibbonderry Waxel Pezzlegig, honorary Baron of Peppergreen, and yeah.

That sounds like a Primus song, the way you say it like that. Oh, Nibbonderry Waxel Pezzlegig is the honorary Baron of Peppergreen. He's the chief scientist of Pezzlegig, and so we call him Peppergreen. He's the honorary Baron of Pezzlegig. I just keep thinking pepper green sounds delicious. Like a hipster restaurant has like a special. Well, if it's any consolation, you may have been flash frozen somewhere on the countryside of pepper green. It's not really. Maybe you're trapped there forever in Pepper Green.

Who knows? But you're in a nice cave. A nice cave? Oh, good. But some of you have broken yourself off from the ceiling. Some of us have. I used my lightsaber. Dargthur Sturry, you broke yourself free. You had some. Yeah, Darg Thirstury, you broke yourself free.

Yep. You had some help, of course. Halcine, you broke yourself free. TikTok. Yep. Also broke yourself free. Dr. Uwud, you broke yourself out of that ceiling. You even tried to cast Thorn Whip, but it was no use.

Queep, your Aarakocra bird friend is still stuck in the ice. And I'm going to stay here forever. Up to his lower torso. He's still... There's a lot of fun new character names. This is some weird shit. I'm looking forward to both the nicknames and the mispronunciations for months to come.

Can I start off with another cantrip attempt to get the thorn whip my bird friend out of the ceiling? Roll a 20. I'm worried about the doctor's blood pressure. You should be worried about all sorts a 20. I'm worried about the doctor's blood pressure. You should be worried about all sorts of things. I'm not. I'm not worried about it at all.

You said that on purpose. You're a big boy. You wear big boy pants. Queep, he's just banging away at this ice around your lower torso. I'm strong. I can kick. Your thorn whip kind of clashes against the ice and doesn't seem to break any of the free. What think you want to do a strength check. I'm strong. I can kick. Your thorn whip kind of clashes against the ice and doesn't seem to break any of the free. What'd you get? 19.

I'm going to catch him. For fuck's sake. Do a dexterity check. This is athletics. I'll just quarter down. I should get ready to catch you and then you should fly right at the end. Do an athletics check. 20. You not only catch him

but as your new bird friend lands in your arms, Dr. Hood, the two of you have a very meaningful amount of eye contact. You're canonically in love now. I could have caught him if I wanted to. I could have caught him better than that. This reminds me of my wedding.

I let him catch me. You are all broke free. Everybody do a perception check, please. Alright. Can I ask a question? Maybe after your perception check. Why don't you do a perception check, and then I'll tell you what. You know what? Everybody, as long as you do a perception check, ask a question along with it,

so long as it's over 10, and tell me what the number is. Starting with you, Chris. What's your role, and what do you want to know? Keep on moving, my friend. I got an 8. With an 8, you notice, yes, you're in an do you roll and what do you want to know? Keep on moving, my friend I got an eight With an eight, you notice, yes, you're in an ice cave What do we have on us? With an ice cave, you notice more of this

Drippy noises I'm looking at us like, do we have gear on us? Do we have our weapons? Yes I got a 20 What do you want to know? Everybody's accounted for? Everyone in the way of these five is accounted for.

What about the other 19 people? And then what about our host? So with that 20, you look around. You don't recognize the host, but you do see what looks like two other forms stuck in the ice that are kind of blurry. They don't look like they're the right size to be Puzzle Gig, but you do see also a couple of what looks like suspended arms and legs in the ice ceiling, almost as if the Great Flash freezing kind of broke off a few limbs.

Does everybody else see this, or is it just... You can tell it to everyone else. Unless there's someone else with a 20. I rolled a 19. I sigh and go, hey, you guys. Hey, everybody, get ready for the best news.

Does it look like there's anybody savable? Any bodies? The two silhouettes that Dargthursies are pretty well embedded. They look like they're maybe 20 feet up in the sea. Okay, well I rolled, okay. What did you roll? I rolled a 13 and I wanted to ask,

does it feel like we were, like are we still in the room that we were in and it crashed somewhere? Like is that what it feels like? Like we kind of like- It's unclear. Okay. You don't see what it looks like,

anything that resembles the floor of the room you're in or the walls of the room you're in. Does it feel like we've been unconscious for a long time? What about the whiskey and the fruits and the meat? Do you see ice and earth? I rolled a 22. What the hell is going on? As a druid, you notice that the earth

seems like it might be of mountainous nature. So you feel like maybe you're near the observatory, but probably not in it. I do a prayer of healing for everybody. All right. Prayer of healing. Let's check in. Up to six creatures of your choice

that you can see within range. Each regain hit points equal to 2d8 plus my ability modifier. Nice. Has no effect on undead or constructs. I don't know if that counts. that you can see within range, each regain hit points equal to 2d8 plus my ability modifier. Has no effect on undead or constructs. I don't know if that counts, TikTok, as a construct? TikTok does receive healing the way a normal being does. It turns out. So actually it's 3d8, because it's third level.

Or no, I'm not gonna use the spell set. Yeah, it's not third level yet, right? Well, I'm third, but yeah, it's not. Yeah, the spell levels and your level are not the same. Now, here's a question. Does that heal me, too, if I'm one of the creatures? Yes. Okay.

We all get healed on that one. Ah, yeah, so she's going to roll 2d8, and you guys get this as you do. So everybody gets six pack. Hey, I am back up to fall. So I could fix some of that frost damage. And I would send it to the other, one of the two bodies that I see

to see if it helps anything. You don't really get a feeling it worked one way or the other. Now, now, you you had not sort of asked a question based on your perception check of 19 yet. You keep eagerly. My questions have been answered. And thank you for the healing. In addition to your questions, I'm just going to throw this out there because you all rolled so high. Here's some additional scene setting. The room's about 100 feet around circumference. The cave is kind of circular.

Are we in the center? Oblong oval in a way. You're near the center. In the northeast corner, there is a huddled figure that's motionless. You also notice there's some, it was hard to see at first, but in particular, Darthur, you notice there's white robes, four of them kind of scattered around on the floor,

just sort of folded up in piles. And yes, to the southwest, there is a cave tunnel out. Well, I think I would have sent the healing to the huddled figure. Magical torches. Did I see the huddled figure? Yeah, you would have seen it.

So I would have sent it that way. Anything that could be healed, I imagine would be healed. It's six, yeah, it's six things that I can see in my... It begins to stir a little bit. Okay, I go over and look at it. You head over and you see a being you've never seen the likes of before. It has six eyes on sort of an arachnid-like face with mandibles.

Oh, I take back the hill. Just kidding. What the ick? Wow. It's wearing what looks like plate mail. It has four arms, but they all look kind of mangled and bent out of place. It looks like it was mid-combat at one point recently, and it seems like maybe it wasn't even breathing until you cast that spell.

It's kind of looking at you now. Its eyes are open and its mandibles are kind of going like twitching on its face. Kind of like. Does it seem like not a good thing? Do a perception or no insight. Do an insight check. I'm going to knock an arrow. Load it up. Insight. I'm going to knock an arrow. Load it up.

Insight, I got a five. You've never seen anything like this before. I'm going to gently try to bind its wounds. Bind its wounds? It doesn't resist. But also, it looks like it's in really rough shape. Can I try to use my medicine skills to do what I can? Yeah, do a medicine check.

And while you roll that dice, yes, Darkthor, what were you going to ask? Well, I was just seeing I kind of got an answer. I was seeing if it was hostile at all. You're not sure unless you want to do an insight. Why don't you do an insight check and we'll get what Darkthor thinks because she rolled pretty low

on her insight. That one skill help? You have Remember. Oh, yeah. on her insight. She just kind of... That one skill help? You have... Remember. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Roll with advantage. I got an eight on that,

by the way, so it's not... No. You can't really place what you're doing, but it does look like maybe it's paralyzed. Paralyzed. 18.

Okay, so... Not only do you think you've never seen anything like this dark through on the surface world, but not only do you think you've never seen anything like this dark through on the surface world, but not underground in the underdark where creepy things like this usually even live. This looks like maybe

extra planar from another realm. Another time, another place. Maybe it came in on the comet. Do I get that? Do I get it? Is it panicky? Is it acting as injured as it looks?

It looks very injured. And even after it's been healed and bound, you're not sure how long it's got. Can I try to talk to it? Sure. Do you understand me? It kind of nods. And then it kind of gestures down a little bit.

I look down. I do a perception check. It's got its hand like this. It's not doing a horrible hand gesture, no. Its hands are all broken. What am I checking? What did you say? Perception.

20. Not a natural 20. You see something. If you kind of follow its head nod down, what looks like a small cigarette box kind of stuck to its belt. Cool. Is it a translator? Does it seem to want me to take it?

Yes. Okay, so I take it. Uh-huh. It's a power rig. It's like nodding at it. What is it? Do I push a button? Do I open it?

It's like lean. As much as it can move its neck, it's leaning towards it Do I push a button Do I open it It's like lean As much as it can move It's leaning towards it I lean towards it When you lean towards it It kind of like Gets sucked into It's mandibles

And it's mandibles Act like little arms And kind of grip the box And you hear What sounds like A very weak voice Say Greetings

Hello Hi Death Soon Yours It looks like it Greetings. Hello. Hi. Death. Soon. Yours? It looks like it. Yes.

Is there anything I can do to help you? No. Where did you come from? Elsewhere. With what purpose? 405. Help. You. To help us? Yes. With what purpose? Help you. To help us?

Yes. With what? Pack. Look. Pack. Where is the pack? You see that it's got like a rucksack strapped to its back. You pop it open and you see there's some basic supplies in there. It looks like

there's maybe three days rations each for you. Kind of a lot of rations. You think maybe this wasn't originally meant for you but it's it's rations it's kind of offering up. And also you find a map which I am now going

to give to you. Where are we? Ice cave? No, I'm asking him. You're about to find out, in a sense. We're in Claudeheim, right? What's your name? We'll see.

Are we in... Where are we? Claudeheim? It says... When you ask what its name is, it says, Fizuela Kunkashindro. Okay, I gently hold one of Fizuella Kunkashindro's mandibles.

That's your name? It passes away. You see the light disappear from its eyes. These maps drawn by Sean Bryant. I send the brave spirit of Valkyr to support the thing. Do a religion check.

The results may seem passive, but I'm keeping track of such things. Thanks again, Sean. Sean, this is really great. So fucking cool. Sean Bryant, of course, an amazing animation concept artist. He did the maps for Amina. He's done

portraits of characters for us before. I'm now going to ask all of you to do a wisdom saving throw as your character gazes upon this map. Well, I rolled a 20 plus. Fuck yeah. 19. I mean, no big whoop.

I got a 10. Here's the deal. You need at least a 10. The saving throw is different. Modifier is different than your regular modifier. Yeah. Correct. 17. Did anyone roll under a 10? No, I rolled a 22.

Nice. Geez, all right, calm down. All right, some fun stuff's about to happen. You and what army? I recommend everyone get their pencils out too, because as you'll all notice, the only thing on this map... I got my pencil, give me something to write on the map so okay

anyone who got under a 10 would have needed a long rest to try another shot and would have been bewildered by the horror of seeing a familiar but alien looking map did anyone get between a 10 and a 15 show of hands between a 10 and a 15 Chris you get

the following knowledge. You recognize see I'm going to borrow your map, Bodhi. Northeast? Northwest, sorry. See how there's like some spikes coming out of the water? Yeah.

And some more spikes along a coast? Yes. You think that those spikes on the coast is right about where Mount Hook is and maybe where you are right now. You also recognize that big mountain to the east. And that is the Rusted Mountains. The Rusted Mountains. And the highest peak is Pandemonium's Fang.

This is all stuff you guys all... Great ski lift up there. I still have my lift tickets. You all knew this already. This is all stuff you would recognize, all of you, for getting a 10 and being able to look at this map. But you're able to recall it by looking

and in addition, you're realizing the world of Clottenheim seems to have changed significantly. Also, anyone who rolled over a 10 would recognize the continent of Clottenheim used to connect to another continent to the east, and it no longer does. Who got between a 15 and a 20?

Wait, is this Pandemonium's fame? Yes, that is Pandemonium's fame. If you got between a 15 and a 20, you get to learn one more location, and you also get to do an additional. I said it wrong. I did. Between a 15 and a 20, you two?

Yes. Okay, so both of you roll an additional history check. We heard you. Hey, Dark Thir. What? Once is enough. 15. Got it. Three for you.

Roll a 20. Roll a history check, Brian. We're doing math. I'm going to lose it if we don't roll soon. History check. Seven. All right. Dr. Uwud, you get to pick four more locations on the map that can either be you asking me based on your character's history

or just what you see on the map. Brian, you get to pick two for Darkthor. Two what? Two questions? Two locations. Okay. So yeah, look back and Blaine, why don't you cash yours in? I have a question about the large gentleman in this plane

here. I think I think I've heard something about this person, but it's driving me nuts. You realize that spot used to have a lot of villages in it, so you think to the east that spot looks curiously flat, and that being should not be there. There's no giants in that area. Perhaps all the people have turned into one giant person.

Where are we again, Blaine? Where the giant is on the map. Oh, that's where we are. No, no, we are the... We think we're spikies. We think we're what? Spikies up there. Yeah, we're down here. Oh, over here. By the coast. Okay. And that used to be an area called the Decimmon Hills. Back to the spiky coast. But you notice it's flat. It used to be called the decimals and now it is flat uh what else would you like to know that's flat uh who lives on the side sticking

with blaine let blaine catch he's got three more are these rivers still leading to civilization or what's going on if you want to use all three i can tell you what all three of those rivers are. Or you can pick a city instead. You know what I would like to... What's going on here in this central middle river? It's the meeting of the rivers. Is there still a city there? I remember going there with some friends. That is called Dame Island.

Oh, she's funny. How about these tiki necktie looking things down here in the southeast? That would be a series of lakes. I'll throw in all three for you. Lake Heretic and Lake Disciple are the two big ones. Hmm. And then

the series of lakes are called the Lakes of Worship. You recognize there's not usually strange floating rocks in that area. You got one more. One more, huh? Can I get it on gift certificate? You want to know where your hometown is?

Where is the old hometown? Silver Henny Woods are those little woods just to the west, right there, of where you think you're stuck. The Silver Henny Woods. Where all my stuff was. Brian, what you got? What do you want to learn?

You get two. Who lives in these castles? I can't tell you who, but I can tell you what the castle is. What are the castles? That island is called Hawbelly. That

castle is human nobles live there. It is the Hawfine royal family. Never mind, I'm sure they are. castle is human nobles live there. It is the Hoffine royal family. Are they dicks? Never mind. I'm sure they are. Hoffine royal family lives there on Hawbelly Island. And what's the deal with the other castle?

To the southeast there, that little sort of port city. Oh, it's a port city. Yes. That is called Poxis. And you recognize that is another human city. Dark forest. It looks like a place I would like.

You hear a bzzz noise because you are out of map rolls on that one. So you two, what were your rolls? It's Mahdi's, 21 and 22. Yeah. You both get to learn three locations plus the history check. So go ahead and do a history check and you get additional location for each five on your roll. Brian doesn't have to talk for a while. I'm going to eat some hot tamales.

So you get to pick six locations, Sarah. And how many did you get? You get to pick five. What you want to know? Again I can you can just ask a question about your backstory or you can look at the visual and I can. That place down there is it's called Donkey Land. It is a an area that used to be halfling country. Let's go to Donkey Land, guys. It used to branch all the

way into the next continent. And so it's been shattered to the east, but you feel like those huts are probably halfling huts. It's gotten really expensive. Donkey Land. I used to go there for summers, but man. You got three more.

Let's do the rest of yours. Fast pass. Are these Prismola ramp mountain things? Northeast? That is Pocanon's Paradise, an icy waste that looks about the same way you left it. It was an icy waste before a comet hit Kladdenheim. I have a feeling Paradise is ironic. Before a comet hit Clottenheim.

I have a feeling paradise is ironic. This is all water around, I assume? You think? I think. I can't know. You feel like it's related to water? Okay. Used to be oceans. It might be ice.

Okay. It's all freezy up in here. Let's see. What else do we need to know? Two more. I mean, yeah. There's these two little towns down here. Sure. I have three more. Let's just... Sure.

The one to the left is called... That's actually... You already learned that from your friend over there. It's Poxus. I thought that was Poxus. Got it. This is Poxus. Wait. The one underneath...

Oh, you're right. Okay. So the one underneath that is... So that's along the Trident Coast down there. And that's called Kluss. It's going to be hard to listen to without a reference point. Send out the maps. That's why I'm like...

Maybe you can speed us up so we sound like Alvin and the Chipmunks for this part. Well, I think people will post it, right? Yeah, we're going will post it, right? Yeah, we're going to post this map so people can fill in their own. And, yeah, drawer on it, perhaps. Is there anything? Yeah, one more. Ask if there's a Paquito Maserati. There always is.

Can I ask about the cave we're in? We think that's Mount Hook, right? Yeah. You think right there is Mount Hook. What about... Did you get these two? There's... Now.

One of them's got a windmill. Yeah, I got that one. That's Klus. And then there's the Vandy Camps. The Vandy Camps. You want to know what the windmill one is? Yeah. That windmill one will sound perhaps...

Holland. Familiar to Sarah's character when you relate this back. It's a blue bog. Blue bog. Oh yeah, is it worth maybe saying where everybody's from on the map? I'll let you discuss in just one more turn. So Sarah now gets to spend...

You got a bunch. You might have more than you know what to do with. Yeah, I just feel like this can be so dull. I'll also... We'll say too, like, I mean, you can pocket this and ask me later if you really want to. Yeah maybe I'll save it for

Save all five? You have five right? Six I think. What's the town between Blue Bog and Kluss? The middle one is Devonshire. Well that's normal. But the people there all talk backwards.

Isn't there a big human port city that we haven't found? It's not called Poxus. It was called something else. Yeah. I can officially reveal that one if you like. So that one is Bozor, and it is just to the west of Silverhenny Woods. It's the one like southwest of Silverhenny. Bozor.

That's a pretty major city of humans. Bozor. I'm glad you said it because, frankly, it is central to a couple of your characters, and you would recognize it. And the stuff that's in the ocean like do these creatures look familiar to me uh why don't you uh all three of them have some

significance so why don't you just say what you want to know uh this downed ship you have a very strong suspicion that is meant to represent pezzle gig's failed attempt to uh get an arc off the ground oops um Pezzlegig's failed attempt to get an arc off the ground. That's the USS Oops.

And then this kind of narwhal-looking guy down here? That is a sea creature you have never seen before. Now, can I ask? So the reason this would blow our minds is because this is a map created of something that we think just happened, basically. You feel like this map was created since you've been frozen. And you all get that impression.

So time has clearly passed. I thought it might be from the future, but another way to look at it would be that we've just been asleep in ice for a long time. Yes. So now we're in the... Is this the plot of the movie Encino Man? Oh!

Not deliberately, but that's pretty hilarious because we're in Encino right now. Yes. Should we head down to the Galleria? So you got four left. Are you going to pocket them or are you going to? Yeah, I'll save them for now. Cool.

Make a note that you have four left because that way you can use it at any point in the adventure. Yeah. I did something really upsetting to my mechanic pencil. You know your sort of alien friend who has just passed away, also known as Fizuela Gunkashindro, is no more, but you've got some rations and a map. Hey, TikTok.

I am TikTok. You were knocked unconscious with all of us, right? Yes. Do you have some sort of hard drive? right? Yes. Do you have some sort of hard drive? I don't think we should discuss this in public. What? No, but

do you have some sort of can you remember things? Can you remember things even if you weren't conscious? I can normally when I sleep I'm not asleep. I was asleep.

I will allow you to do a wisdom check to see if you can figure out how much time has passed based on the nature of your intelligence. Have your robot fingernails grown? Can I help too? Because he helped you, I'll let you roll with advantage. Ooh, even better. Roll twice. I'll let him roll. I'll take the first one. What's your wisdom modifier?

It's zero, so it's a 13. I have a plus three. It doesn't matter. It goes to him because it's his action. Is there any sort of outside that we can see? You think years, but not a lifetime has passed. So it's been some time.

What was your question again, Blaine? I was a little distracted by the multitasking. I was going to say, is that we have no way of seeing outside right now? No, right now you're kind of like, it feels like you're in the middle of a glacier. Okay. Wow.

Although, again, there is a tunnel leading out that looks like magical torches, and there's still some white robes scattered around the ground. I'll investigate the robes. some white robes scattered around the ground. I'll investigate the robes. They, at first glance, appear to be white burlap robes that are sort of dyed white somehow with sort of what looks like five black fingers and no palm

as some sort of symbol on them when you turn them over. Can we do like arcana checks? Does anybody recognize it? Yes. Go. Anyone who has an arcana bonus over zero can roll an arcana check. I rolled a one and I have a plus one. I rolled a natural 20.

Holy fudge. I got a 24. Triple f from mackinac island i want to be smarter uh tiktok you recognize that these robes are um of some sort of uh cult or religious order or some sort of magical group um they all they're by seeing more than one of them, you think there were multiple ones here. Dr. Uwud, you figure out that this alien was probably in combat with four things, and although it didn't win, it may have killed all of them,

and they were some sort of being that dissipated after they were defeated. Magical in nature. The spider alien? The spider alien looks like it wiped these guys out. What is the spider alien wearing specifically now? Now that we know to look at this robe. It looks like a very light sort of steel plate mail.

It's all bent and warped. It looks like it's got burn marks on it. They look very buried. It looks like it would take a long time and a lot of effort to unearth. Is anybody sort of a heat miser? I have a flame blade, but I think it would probably take too long to get up.

I was going to ask, I assume that our years-long Rip Van Winkling counts as a long rest, because I did cast a spell. Because you thought out you needed the healing. I mean, you took that frost damage the same way. Although you are magically frozen i mean you took damage damage if you needed to relearn spells since you were in the observatory sure that's what i meant i just meant i cast a spell went on tiktok so much time has passed i'll throw you that bone yeah yeah yeah so much time

however it didn't feel very restful you've got i get you've got uh cranks in your neck where you didn't know you had neck. That sounded worse than I thought. I think we have to assume everybody else in here is dead. I think we need to move to that hallway. It would be nice to know if your master

is... Do a medicine check. What's frozen in there? Need to do a medicine check? I'd say based on another roll you did, you feel pretty confident that you don't see him. They're not gnomish sized. You feel like they're either dead or you would need significant magic to

thaw your way up into this thing like you guys don't possess. So let's start exploring. Were we all right by each other when this happened? Yes. And is there where we all thought out? Were we all more or less in the same area?

It's not clear. But I mean, we all kind of... Do an intelligence check. Nobody was on the other side of the room or anything like that. Fourteen. I feel like you were blown out of the Ark somehow

and frozen just midair. Weird. And we landed here? You froze sort of midair in a wave of magic. Yeah, it seems like the comet froze everything. But why are we in a room? Is this the plot of the movie Frozen? This cave seems artificially created.

Like, are we in storage? Ice age? You guys have now had your bearings enough. You feel like this room may have been created to excavate you. Yeah, I was going to say, does the spider have, did he have like a tool or anything that he might have used to be excavating us that we could then use on these other bodies? No.

The only thing he had was that backpack and that sort of vocal translation box. I gently close his eyelids. All six of them. Takes a lot to get through all six of them. Is there anything else? Let's strip the body. Anything on there?

What? Get that translator. No. Does one of them flutter back open comedically? It's just him giving him his dignity in death. Let's wad him up in a paper towel and flush him. Do a perception check.

That's a bad four. Sorry, six. All you get are some bent pieces of armor that don't look like they'd fit you. I'm going to check this place out. Let's get out of here. I don't want to be in this room anymore. I'm cold. So you head towards cause I don't, I don't want to be in this room anymore. I'm cold.

So you head towards the tunnel. We keep the only real way out. We keep that translator box. You're going to grab it. Yes. Throw that in your inventory and make a note, please. That's a good one. You, um, you start heading down this tunnel and it, uh, it has a sharp turn to the right and we got the rations and everything, right? Everybody rated the right. And we got the rations and everything, right? Everybody rated the rations. Shark turn to the right. Shark turn to the right like, we'll call it

15 degrees, like you hard right. Uh-huh. I take it. Alright. The magical torches seem to be extinguished here. It's all dark ahead. But that's the only way we can go.

Correct. Unless we turn back. I have dark. I can see in the dark. I'm taking the backpack and the four robes. Someone lead me. So your TikTok is loading up. I'm just making sure. Do these robes more or less fit these people?

Yes. Why did you guys put these robes on? I don't know. Well, let's... Do't you guys put these robes on i don't know well do i detect magic on these rubs uh no they're they're not magical because here it's 50 50 do we have to pay for them when we check out oh let's put them in your suitcase dr don't even worry about it done you are in the security camera while this is happening. We either run into people who are also wearing these robes, in which case we're in disguise,

or we run into plate people, in which case we can... But you're here, and you're a giant mechanical man. You and I are very hard to disguise. Yeah. He's got beautiful image. Thank you. You're welcome. 50-50, we're approaching his friend, which I think is good. If people think it's a bad idea, just forget it.

Let's keep moving. I think it's an interesting idea. I think nobody excitedly tosses them on, but they all hear you say it and kind of stare at you for a while. I'll take one of those ribs. I'm putting it on because it's cold. I take one.

You guys are all a little chilly. Oh, so Dr. Wood is putting one on. Interesting. What happens to him? Does he die? You make it about... Are you scared to put on a bright color? It's weird, right? What if somebody looks at you, Darkther?

What if somebody asks you a question? What if you have to talk about your feelings, Darkther? You descend in the dark down this tunnel. It feels like the side of a frozen mountainside. And it goes about 600 feet. And then it forks in two directions, both of which seem to go into the pitch black. One to the right, one to the left.

I take the rope, but I ball it up. You're putting wrinkles in it? I just ball it up and carry it in my hands. Okay. Has anybody got any navigational abilities or anything? I have some, but not in this context. Direction sense? Well, to help us figure out which way to go.

Can I pray? Yes. Do a religion check. Eight. Yeah, you just can't quite seem to get an answer. You know, I have... God's not listening. I have nature and survival. Would I be able to tell if there were current... You mean like as proficiencies?

As proficiencies. If I were to be able to detect air currents or smells or changes in temperature... Pick one. Do nature. I have survival.. Pick one. Do nature. I have survival. Yeah, I'll do nature. Roll with advantage. That's twice.

Roll the second time and take the higher number. 11 and 8. So 11, 16. You feel like you could get real sick by sticking around in this ice cave too long. There's probably a lot of unfrozen bacteria. There's probably maybe other things that could have unthawed

in here, but that's about all you get. Maybe tie the robes over your face like a mask. You're still at this intersection. Left or right, guys? I'll do survival just to help. Same thing, air currents, path. Okay. That's a 20.

And remember, I have natural explorer, I think would help us. Yeah, okay. So you, TikTok, you detect scent of decay from the left. It's a very faint scent of rot and mold. It's probably more of us on the left. Maybe if this is an excavation, maybe that's the medicine. Maybe that's the morgue.

But over to the right, it smells clean. If I pause, it's mostly because I'm looking up your new names to remind me of what to call you, so I don't call you Twee or Cody. I'm Queep. Darkthroat, you get the sense that when he talks about the stink, that, yeah, just get away from that. You just don't want to be near the death because that's not an active challenge. That is undead or disease okay so we're going right

cool uh you guys head right and um you hear a howling noise just like not your sense trigger uh the howling uh as as you get closer sounds less and less like a being and more like wind. Oh, okay. You guys head around a few more corners. I just thought my background might help with this. It's true. It might. If there's big gusts of wind coming up, should we get ready?

Should we lash ourselves together? You see sunlight. I think this is outside. What does outside look like now? There's other people, so I think there's probably something outside. Everybody do a charisma saving throw, please. All right, then.

Not a good shit 19 12 8 um sorry not me 16 you're you're all okay except for tiktok uh so

uh you see what looks like uh you're in the mountains uh and when you peek out you see sort of similar mountains to what you remembered seeing outside the window of your carriage as you approached Mount Hook but there are additional spires of ice. There's a lot more scenery to look at except in one direction the northeast. You look out at what used to be more mountain range and pepper green and pepper green has been replaced with what looks like um a chunky glacier ridden ocean with uh lightning fast icy winds and fog just sort of blowing in little mini

funnels uh it's not pleasant to look at and t Tick Tock, when you sort of fix your eyes there, you're flooded with all the pleasant and warm images you had inside the observatory as you spent your first sentient hours with Puzzle Gig. And you sort of turn off and clunk to the side. You guys notice him just sort of look like a flip is switched. And in addition to him kind of like clunking the side, you see some what looks like wooden and rock armor appear on him as if he is in a defensive mode and he kind of thuds against the side of the exit of the icy cave. Everybody do a perception check except for TikTok, please. 20.

19. Nice. 23, really. 22. You guys got some fucking perception rolls up the ass today. 16. You all notice there is a pretty clear dirt path that looks like it's got some sort of

magic flare uh that's now burned out kind of embedded in the ice wall so if you head off to the right you'll kind of wind down the side of this mountain and if you're careful you won't slip off the side of the mountain and die so we have to carry can i try to help tick tock yeah um you guys without much effort if two of you can take him you don't have to do TikTok. Can I try to help TikTok? Yeah. You guys, without much effort, if two of you can take him, you don't have to do a roll to lift him up, but he is immobile. Can I try to wake him up, though? Sure. Do a medicine check.

Now do a carpentry check. 19. Yeah. You managed to prod him enough in the head that his eyes sort of blink awake. Hey, it's okay. It's okay. Everything is gone. It looks very different. Everything is gone. Hey, you know what? Not us. Not these friends.

When I went away to school and I came back to my old hometown, things had changed. And I thought they'd change for the worse. But things have to change. They have to change, TikTok. This is just more than I was thinking. You get a weird sense that he's actually speaking truth and not doing like a joke.

What did you do with Dr. Ewan? Listen, I was a professor at Half Elf University. The old one-two. Give me old one-two, one- two one two you i had everything i had tenure i had students i had an office i had a parking space for my horse a beautiful apartment with a view of things a syllabus tenure did i mention tenure a couple times All those things are gone now, too. They were gone before the comet hit, TikTok. Grow up. Time marches on.

Maybe you focus on time because your name is TikTok. Well, my name is Dr. Uid, and I focus on the U and the I and the D. Now, let's brush ourselves off because my feet are freezing I get up Frostbite feels like burning for a few minutes and my toes are burning It's not a good sign I'm sorry everybody

I'm okay You guys head down the path Yes Along the side of the mountain Yes Everybody do a dex check for me please Sure Whoops

Tell me if you get Sam do a dex check for me, please. Sure. Tell me if you get... Sam, do a dex check. Under a 10. 11. Under 10. 15. Can I take Sam's roll? Ken has lost his dice in his dice turn.

Under 10. I got a 9. Sam and I both got 9s. Sam? You rolled a nine? Thank you. All right. So first of all, the ability to hear yourself suddenly disappears off the side of the mountain. No.

So as you guys are walking around TikTok, you sort of become swept up in the horrible vision off to us. And you just sort of land on your ass and start sliding down the path. And, Queep, you go to catch him and the same thing happens to you. So the two of you slide fast down this path. Ooh, romancing the stone, Queep! You two do a dexterity saving throw

to see if you're able to slow down at all. I got a six. Wow. Wow. Nine. Both of you just go, you kind of reach like Mach 1 of sliding down an icy slope.

Can I try to fly? We're advancing the stone. I'm gonna try to run after him. They've disappeared around the bend, so you can chase after him, but. Guys, come on. Is this the movie cool running the two of you take

six points of bludgeoning damage as you crash you land against a boulder and as you sort of come to you realize you are next to what looks like a small camp there is a

tent with a white flag planted next to it. Just a white flag. And an extinguished campfire. Extinguished. And the rest of you guys pretty quickly are able to catch up to them. Does the white flag match the robes? The robes have black fingers?

No. This could be the spider plate. Nothing about it matches the robes, other than the color white. In fact, the white here looks like the fabric was originally white, and in the robes, they look almost like they were dyed white. Bleached. Bleached, yes. And nobody's still here, right?

You haven't looked inside the tent? Let's look around. Can we stealth it? Let's rummage. I'll stealth it. You haven't looked inside the tent? Let's look around. Can we stealth it? That's rummage. I'll stealth it. Who wants to look in the tent? You just slid into town, into the tent town. I mean, yeah, you made some noise, that's for sure.

I'm going to take my quarterstaff and open the... Do a stealth check. If you want to be unseen. 16... 19. So you... 16, 19. So you... You manage to kind of like poke it up and you feel like

these guys were lucky and maybe the sound of them crashing into the boulder was masked by the winds over the horrible sort of icy wastes to the northeast and you see a sleeping gnome. All bundled up in a sleeping bag and some blankets.

Is it him? He does not look familiar. Am I getting a magic vibe on this guy? No. Alright. That's just you though. You're the only one looking right now.

Do we see anything else around? Do something else. He might wake up. You don't know. Is it only one tent? It's one tent. It looks like it could have fit more than one person, but he only sees one person. Could I investigate the fire? How long has it been out?

Looks like it's been out for over... A couple hours, but not much longer than that. Let's all get in the tent. And then when he wakes up we'll all be in there and then he'll go huh it'll be like a funny take only um only dr uid has gotten eyes on this gnome i'm gonna he does not recommend does he look like an older version of our gnome no uh do a stealth check though no i'm waking him up you're waking him up? Yeah. He goes, oh. Hello. Oh, oh, it worked.

Oh, thank goodness. Oh, you're awake. He looks outside the tent and TikTok, you do recognize him. Who's this? He is one of the servants. His name is Gexwick. Gexwick. He's one of the lower level guys.

He looks a little older. How much older? Do a perception check. That's an 11. Yeah, I mean, he's older. He's not like an elderly person, but he was a little... But like gnome-wise, how long did gnome last?

Yeah, how old are you? How long has it been? He's like, oh, oh, oh, tick-tock, there's a lot of questions. You've been gone for a long time yeah you how long oh you've been gone about well geez i guess about 10 years okay that could be worse why is there a dead spider 10 year why is everybody always talking about my tender there's gonna be a lot of rules uh the the dead spider guy uh his name his, I call him Fizzy. There's a lot of those guys around

these days. Are they good or bad? Pretty good, actually. They eat a lot of insects? No, I mean the resemblance of spiders kind of ends at the same. They got six limbs and six eyes. They're not like eight.

They're not like arachnids or nothing. I get like, I'm not trying to be pedantic TikTok. I think not like eight. They're not like arachnids or nothing. I'm not trying to be pedantic, TikTok. I think you like being pedantic. I mean, look, we're in frozen wastes. Can you tell us what happened, please, and what's been going on? It worked.

Yeah, so there was a comet that got summoned by what we call now the Tenebrous one. He is some sort of, well, I don't know what to a comet that got summoned by what we call now the Tenebrous One. He is some sort of, well, I don't know what to say. He's an evil wizard. He's trying to claim, well, he successfully

claimed Clottenheim for himself at this point. It's a little harder to get around, but the Tenebrous One is what we call him. No one's really seen him that I know of. A warlock or a wizard? His real name.

His real name is, I don't know what his real name is. Let's call him Gary. I tried to piece together whatever I could by asking around and traveling a little bit, but I've mostly for the last 10 years been trying to find people i recognized up on the mountain where's your boss um i've been hoping that the baron would be one of the people i unearthed unfortunately uh you know i kind of dug that tunnel um and uh the tenebrous one sent some of his acolytes in there and i had to have fizizzy go in there to try to clear it out, but it sounds like Fizzy didn't

make it. You went to sleep while your friend went to kill people? What else am I going to do? I'm like a little servant dude. I can't fight. But you went to sleep. Well, he did kill them. I worked for over 24 hours trying to get you

guys out of there. How did you get us out? I have some excavation tools. He shows you. He's got a pack, and there's what looks like a pickaxe, but it's clearly got some sort of fire enchantment. Can you keep freeing people? Yes. Yes.

I can either stay here and keep trying to free people if you think it's safe to go back in there. Or I can escort you back down the mountain. You can try to go back by yourselves. Go back to where? Well, the world's pretty different. If I had to recommend anywhere, I would try to head to Bozor. That's the nearest city.

It's the only city I've been to since the comet hit. It's pretty hard to get around. A lot of the roads are iced over. There's just, it's winter everywhere now. There's definitely more magic tunnels underneath the ground than there used to be between the cities. So maybe if you get to Bozor, you can find a quicker way to get to other cities than just going through the icy wastes underground. But yeah, that's the best recommendation I got. I mean, it's going to be at least, you know,

if you find a ride of some kind of transport, it's harder to find horses these days. Is there transport underground? Not that I know of. But there are tunnels. I mean, I would basically walk for like two weeks to get to Bozor, and it's pretty dangerous. I know tunnels.

What's that? I'm versed in tunnels. Great. Sing us a verse. About tunnels. That's not what I meant. How do you know about tunnels? Jesus Christ.

How do you know about Jesus Christ? jesus christ she would look at him and um do a history check jesus christ told you about tunnels 22 uh you notice he's got long gray hair anything else you want to talk about as far as what you look like or shall i just straight up tell her what your racial background is as a reminder we did but like yeah but like for her character i mean okay i mean you he's a drow and i think you would know that my mother lived in tunnels i'm half tunnel people also you know he he has the kind of equipment on him where you would believe that he knows how to like my father raised me i've been looking for my mother for a long time, so I've been in many tunnels

around our lands looking for her. I love the concept of tunnel people. Yeah, tunnel people. I'm not going to say this in the game, but it sounds like your mother was looking for a lot of tunnels. You're leaving Gexwick here to die. My mother is a very beautiful woman and very powerful and very smart.

Oh, really powerful? Do you think she could help us out? A bunch of chuds. I mean, it seems as though the world's got through kind of a big deal. Maybe we should go. I haven't seen my mother in a long time. I've been looking for her. Remember when I said that a second ago?

It's been a long two weeks. You're a robot. It seems like you would remember things better. You're an asshole. You're a robot. You're really perceptive. I start walking towards Bozar. Okay. Gexwick says his farewells and he gives

you a bit of advice. He says when you get to the bottom of the mountain path, there is a small valley kind of off the path you said you could take the path directly west towards silverhenny woods and bozor or you could head into the valley and if you truly are an underground type you could try to go through the valley and suss around and see if you can find an entrance to a tunnel do you have any like furs or jackets or anything for us yeah so he offers each of you a fur coat.

He looks like he's got sort of a stockpile of stuff in case he was able to unfreeze people. So he gives each of you a heavy fur coat that will protect you. I throw red paint on all of them. Yeah, I mean, it looks like bison fur. It looks really thick and hardy, and it's got leather underneath it. It's got hoods. Forget it, darling.

Just give me Park Avenue. I will say. It's a dark one. You guys look around, and you see a lot of white and sort of crystal blue on the ground, and you know that these sort of heavy fur capes, if you will, will make you stick out against the ice a little bit. That would just pop out at you right away. You suddenly, you know, just using your passive perception,

just kind of look at each other and go, oh yeah, yeah, we look like... Targets. Yeah. Can we spray paint ourselves? I mean, Gexwick kind of shrugs and says he's sorry that he doesn't have a way that he can help you camouflage more. But none of you certainly have white paint on you unless I'm forgetting something.

There was something they did to make those robes white. Yeah, those robes are white. Is there some sort of bleach? Oh, let's put the robe over the top of the fur. You can try that. Let's do that. Four of us. All right.

So you guys sort of. So yeah, TikTok can't, but. That's okay. I look like Ed Esner in a t-shirt. There's a bunch of half out the robes are big enough that you're kind of able to fix them on top of the furs and it doesn't completely block out

just the heavy and thick fur on it but it significantly changes how much of a target does TikTok need a fur? because he's made of wood, right? I don't need one I think right away he realizes you don't need one but you are know shit he he i think right away realizes you don't need but you are offered one he has enough if you wanted one you just wouldn't be able to put a

white robe over it because there's only four of those i don't need that i'm wondering more about like is my own because i'm wearing i'm in stone now right so color you can lower that if you want by the way yeah lower your armor i mean mean, you're wearing a velveteen suit. I'll go back. I don't know if you forgot about that, but you are sort of dressed like a children's book bunny. Am I green? I picture it being pine

green, but everything here is white. Yeah. So if I take that off and go down to your skivvies, is there trees and stuff like that around? Yeah. No, there's nothing. Not where you are right now. and go down to... To your skivvies? Is there trees and stuff like that? Around? Yeah. No.

There's nothing. Not where you are right now. Maybe eventually. What is the terrain? Let's go hang out by those phone poles till the cops leave. The terrain is snow and little bits of dirt where it looks like

Gexwick has tried to shuffle his feet and create paths and maybe even magically knock some snow aside. Okay. Well, we just got to stay low and keep moving. All right.

So you guys head down the path. Um, after a few hours of travel, you get pretty tired, but you get down to the bottom, uh, where this Valley is, uh, as we're traveling, what's everybody's background here. Like as far as what do we, what does everybody here do? I would say TikTok. Maybe you'd say it in your voice to encourage them to share a little more. I have a question. I look for bad people and I bring them to good people and I get money for them. I'm a bounty hunter.

Can you fight? Oh, yeah. All right. Do you have magic? Some. I want more. I have magic. I don't want it,

but I have it. Oh. You down there, cuckoo bird. What can you do? I can fight. You can protect us. What weapon do you carry, by the way, Queep? Battleaxe.

You take a look at him and not only is he perhaps up there with the tallest members of your party, but he looks like a bruiser. Alright. It's not nice to ask a lady, but I'm afraid I must. It's not? I'd never heard that one

before and I went to finishing school. That's true i uh i travel i adventure and um i also look for bad people i don't take them to good people i usually just try to you seem like a thief on my own no i do this all in the name of my god, Valkyr. Oh, a thief god. He's a cheerful sort, generally. But like me, he doesn't... Oh my goodness. Mavis just tripped over a bunch of cords and running around the room.

Hey, big doves. He's like a storm god. I'm very familiar with the sea. It's a passion of mine. You can see I'm a little sunburned. Oh, am I still? No, I'm not sunburned anymore. I've been trapped in ice.

Did the ice trapping heal my sunburn or no? No, not really. So it's still there? Yeah. I had just been on a long voyage, just a pleasure cruise, really. I mean, you guys all feel a little chafed by that ice. I think you're looking forward to your first chance to sleep somewhere dry. So yeah, no, you're all a little chafed from the ice.

You feel like you maybe need some rest. It feels like it's been a rough ordeal, and you get to the bottom of this path. Has my skin looked better? Your skin's looked way better than it does right now. I mean, all of you are a little red in the cheek. There's a lot of dry skin. You could use some lotion. Not me.

Except for you. Except for TikTok. Made of mostly wooden stone. So you head down to the bottom of this path. I try to moisturize with some animal fat from the rations. Roll a medicine check. I'm going down to just the wood right now because of noise.

Thirteen. I feel like you moisturized decently with some air. I pulled up some carpet on TikTok and he was all hardwood underneath. So you're in a valley now. You could head west or you can sort of head north a little farther and look

where the snow and ice is sort of naturally cleared at the base of the mountain and see if you can sort of head north a little farther and look where the snow and ice is sort of naturally cleared at the base of the mountain and see if you can find a cave if you like, if that is the choice you'd like to make instead. Are you ready to go spelunking, Sour Boy? Sour Boy? It's stuck. No, it didn't.

You shouldn't call me that. His master called you Sourboy, so now TikTok remembers. Right. I'm ready, yeah. Do a perception check. Me? Yeah. You're kind of leading the hunt for a cave.

Oh, yeah. 15. You think you see what looks like a rocky base of a mountain? Or do you think there might be a cave about a half a mile north? About a half a mile up here. Well done. And we'll call it there, you guys. Thanks. up here. Well done. And we'll call it there, you guys. Not really.

Well done. Thanks for listening. Follow us on Patreon. Thank you to Gexwick, which is one of our Patreon members. Threw that name in the hat. Gexwick is their name on YouTube. New tour dates at Brianfussing.com. And my book, Nerdy Forever.

Forever Nerdy. Same thing. Second edition, my team. Thanks for listening. Thanks for listening to another episode of Nerd Poker. You can follow us at patreon.com slash nerd poker and you get bonus episodes from there and you can also uh send us anything at p.o box one six zero six nine encino california nine one four one six thanks for listening I remember I was talking to my friend Columbo. What was that like?

And he went, I'm begging your pardon, but you're going to talk about doing the voices. I don't think anybody's going to remember this one. It was real in and out there. You had him for half a second, then you didn't. Yeah, it kind of... I used to be able to do Robin Hitchcock for like one sentence.

Ooh. Yeah. That was the only impression that I could ever do. And it went a little something. I'm definitely not trying to pull it out now. I'll workshop it. Robin Williams doing Alfred. Robin Hitchcock?

Yeah. Robin Hitchcock. I don't even know what an impression of him would be. The musician. Yeah. He has a very singular what an impression of him would be. The musician. Yeah. He has a very singular voice. He really does. He's very, very Sid Barrett-y.

And it goes a little something. Barrett sounded like. Can I do my Robin Hitchcock impression? Yeah. Hey, I don't get no respect. I'm Robin Hitchcock. Whoa, hey, no respect. Fucking idiot.