Nerd Poker - Episode 2 - Pillbug Shadows

Episode Date: April 27, 2017

Our adventurers have followed their new companion Lekyss the Dragonborn into the woods, only to encounter flickering shapes and a strange beast. Will they burn all the evil down? Only time will tell. For bonus episodes and to listen to all episodes a day early, subscribe at patreon.com/nerdpoker!

Hey, it's Brian Poussaint. I used to have a podcast where I played Dungeons & Dragons with a bunch of my friends. I missed it, so I decided to make a new one. It's called Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker. It's myself, a couple of my buddies, Blank and Patch, Dan Telfer, Ken Daly, an occasional guest or two, and we're going to be playing in a new setting, my dining room.

Each week you'll hear my wife, my son, my dogs, and we're going to be playing in a place that I love and playing the game that I've loved half my life, Dungeons & Dragons. We've got 5th edition and we're ready. So are you ready? Here's Brian Poussain's Nerd Poker. Play the music for our show opening. Play something. Are you going to remember this song?

Are you going to remember this song? Because you're going to have to play the exact song every single episode of the show. Okay, yeah. All right, you can remember that. I'm back. How about this? It's a different theme every show. Oh, a different theme every show. Okay, cool. Well, that's the first theme.

That was awesome. Thanks, buddy. That's actually what we would be on iTunes. Yes, it's going to be on iTunes. He just told his dad. His babysitter. Hey, everybody. It's Brian Poussaint.

You're listening to Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker. These are my friends, Ken, Blaine, and Dan. Hi, Brian., and Dan. Hi Brian! Hi Brian! And that's our new theme song I guess. That's our composer Rhodes Posse. Nice job buddy. He's a regular Mike Carpenter.

Yeah. Hee hee hee! Last week was our first episode We All met And Jim J. Bullock got male raped Hey That was a very special episode of that show

Can we cut that out? I feel horrible already I was just reading about the episode Where Where He got raped Monroe the the episode where where he got right very special yeah my large women right hey roads you back it's getting some legos bye buddy all right okay I'm going to go decorate. All right. Okay. Decorate the Lego table. Is that what they call it?

It's not in the room anymore. Oh, no. No, I don't feel so bad about that joke earlier. It's awesome that it's taking it in the face. Anyway. Anyway. Anyway. Anyway Anyway

Hey everybody Thank you for joining us in our sanctuary Against the evil universe Oh yeah So much has happened Since last we recorded For you guys We're probably already

In our bunkers hiding from North Korean missiles. Are you talking about when reality broke? When you listen to this show. Oh my goodness. Trying not to think about it. That's why. Thank you for the scotch, Brian. Yeah, that's what I was about to say.

You know, when I was in chemo, I was like... Let's thank McCarthy's Oregon Single Mall. I was looking forward to some scotch when I was sick, and I enjoyed it a great deal. Oh, nice. There's going to be so much scotch in my bunker for that first week. Is that what they're calling it? Oh, man, I've been through a whole bottle of Lagavulin already. Hi, everybody. Oh man, I've been through a whole bottle of Lagavulin already. Hi everybody, so welcome to our adventures in the Bay of Amina.

Our heroes have only just met, but already they are quite unsure. Yeah, what were our names again, you guys? I believe we have... We haven't played in a couple weeks in real life, so... Please say hello to the listener, Bodhi. Oh, I'm Bodhi. I don't really have a voice yet. I'll find out.

No, you'll figure it out. You're a barbarian half-orc. And how about you, Tom? The name's Tom DiRetto. I think Tom's found his voice. How could I forget Tom Doretto. Mm-hmm. I think Tom's found his voice. How could I forget Tom? Or Tom. And a very special Bard Elf,

would you like to introduce yourself, sir? I'm Twee. You're going to have to stand up for every... Yeah, you lead in the mic, too, because otherwise the dog lapping up water two rooms away would be louder than what you just did. Sorry, could I do that again?

What's your name? Twee. Now the old dog's clackety-clack. Hey, old man. He's so adorable. When we recorded at Airwolf, we didn't have a 13-year-old basset hound walking around. Here we do.

Oh, someone's better for it. It's like Pat Harrington. So our heroes Tweed, Tom, and Bodhi landed in this bay where they were hoping to find some fortune. And it turns out they seem to be displaced magically somehow. There's a bad mojo in the air. Everybody else who's here does not care for it. And so a lot of people are looking to get out of here. You guys thought you'd do a little exploring after hearing a crazy bard named Horo go on and on about... That's the guy that went crazy in his tent, right?

Yeah, yeah. He changed his hair off with a can or something. And then who were we following into the woods? We were following a dragonborn cleric who was here with

some soldiers. His name's Lekas. He's got the side of his face bashed in from a giant, so he's got a large, dysfunctional eyeball and a crooked jaw. But he looks like he's seen some shit, and he was feeling a little groggy. Is that what made his eyeball dysfunctional?

Yeah, yeah. Well, and getting punched in the face by a frost giant. I don't do it. So, but he's... He decided to go into the woods first because he was super drunk and feeling a little bold. And after he got into the woods, and you guys were already creeped out because there were some weird shadows cascading across the woods.

And you guys all have night vision, but even with the night vision it's very dark and uh your your view is obscured by all the thin trees that uh luckus walked between and uh yeah he he didn't make it all that far before he got tackled to the ground and uh i believe you guys were about to check out because uh he was on the ground going, fuck, ah, fuck. Oh, we were sure he got tackled. He got tackled for sure. Yeah. It's dark, but how did we see him lit?

How was he lit? I think he had a torch that lit up his own breath. And then did we see it go out when he got tackled? He dropped it. It might still be on the ground. You guys can still see pretty good. You're a party gifted with pretty great night vision race-wise. None of you are blind

even though it's 1 in the morning. But you... Do we... Oh, okay. Go ahead. You're a good 40 yards away from the action. You can catch up pretty quick. Do we see what tackled him? can we see what looks

like it looks like what appears to be a giant pill bug that descended from the trees oh yeah I'm out creeps yeah pill bugs yeah how Do we just see the one? Yeah, you just see one, although there are a lot of strange vertical shadows still going across. How many trees are there? Lots. How close to the... They're thick but thin. They're like birches.

Could we run through the forest if we had to? There's undergrowth and vines and stuff. Do a quick jog, and you can't sprint. All right. Not a lot of brush, but a lot of trees. Like hundreds? Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is a small wood.

Okay. You want to avoid this thing? If you remember... Potentially, each one could have one of these buds in it. Right. We could be fighting a bunch of them. If you have your map, you are currently right here in the triangle of these woods.

Kind of checking out. What's that town? Well, there's not really a town there. No, the bay is informally called Siddha. There were some merchants and such. Right, right. And the townspeople have bailed. We don't know where.

Well, there's a small settlement that was know where or well there's no longer a sign of the settlement right they died or they right ran away they moved to Canada or trade great time to move to Canada visas to Australia but especially was like sorry you are barred it is realized he has a musical instrument that he could be fucking with the entire episode. I'm not kidding. But what I think you guys should do is a little thing called Roll for Initiative.

So why don't we bust our first initiative out of the game, of the campaign, and see how we land. Ten. Initiatives. Twenty, yeah, yeah. shit we got a 20 hey stinky britches roll your 20 20 oh I guess McCarthy's bottle apparently. Ken, you blew it! I know. All 20 is off the whiskey bottle. Try it, try it, though. Do it, do it, do it. That would be so weird. Was that a six?

Yeah. Cool, let's do, since Brian rolled his 21st, let's do a counterclockwise from Brian. Okay. So what you gonna do? I'd say in one turn you can get right to the action. You just gonna sprint forward? Yeah, I'm one turn you can get right to the action. You're just gonna sprint forward. Yeah, I'm gonna defend this guy with my greatsword.

He's still alive? Yeah, you can hear Lekas cursing while he's tussling. This thing is huge, it's like bigger than a car. But he's a very squat dragonborn who looks like he's armored enough to be able to tussle for a little while. And he's just punching it in the face. He hasn't gotten a good shot in with his weapon yet. He's got a big old hammer. Yeah, there's four of us. Okay.

Yeah, I'm running in to help him. It's kind of a pill bug. Cool. Well, why don't you roll the attack haha that doesn't work that's the last time I'll roll off the bottle oh. That's worse. What was that? Nothing. I'm sticking with the two.

All right. So you break into this little makeshift clearing because a couple of trees have been knocked over. Pardon me. And, yeah, this thing is like a gunmetal gray pill bug, but it's really kind of dark, kind of matte gray, kind of slimy looking almost. Sort of like an AMG Mercedes. Is it a pill bug? You can't tell how much of its armor it is. It could be squishy, but it's got moss and gravel all stuck to it. Okay, I want to find out if it's squishy.

Because it's trying to kill this guy, right? Yeah, you just took a swing at it and it just kind of nicked off the side. It doesn't feel like as strong armor as you'd be worried about. Okay. But it's definitely a large armored animal. Okay. Blaine, why don't you

tell us what you're going to do? I am going to do. I am going to draw my short sword. I'm sorry, real quick question. In five, is there an action thing that you

can do if you do miss? Is there something you can do in it? Isn't there? Let's take a quick look. Sorry to interrupt, Brian. Oh, no, that's okay. I just want to make sure that we get all these five rules in. Hey, Blaine, why don't you tell us what this encounter is brought to us by?

Oh, this encounter is brought to you by the new Mac Junior. It's a big Mac that's only half the size. Also, the Mac Deluxe, I think is the name Mac Junior. It's a big Mac that's only half the size. Also, the Mac Deluxe, I think is the name of it. It's a big Mac made out of two quarter-pounder things. And also, try the new Micro Mac. It's about

half the size of a slider, and you can lose it in your car. Micro Mac. This is the... Sorry, I was trying not to fart when you told me not to. You told me to do that.

Wow. Your fart sounds like Casio. Yeah, I wish. Sorry, I've been... What's your dexterity, Brian? Sorry I've been the IFA. Yeah. What's your dexterity, Brian? Eleven. Okay, I think you might be out of luck. I don't know about another follow-up attack you can do. We can research this more.

Yeah, I'll look into it I when I did that thing recently with guys I thought that there was a I'll take a little let me take a break I'll make sure you didn't miss out on any cool but I don't think so when you're taking on a short sword I'm taking out didn't miss out on any ass-whipping. Cool. But I don't think so. Blaine, you're taking out a short sword? I'm taking out a short sword, but I'm just kind of going to stand around and see what's going to happen before I plunge into anything because... So Twee's just going to try to find... Yeah, I'm going to make sure that I'm not going to get killed first.

I'm not. Alright, Tom, what you got in store for us? I'm going with the short bow. I'm going to shoot an arrow. Please do. Why don't you tell us what happens when you give that a shot? Roll a 10. Alright, that's a hit.

So then it's a d6. I'm going to do this. 1d6. I rolled a 10. All right, that's a hit. So then it's a d6. I believe it is. 1d6. I rolled a 6. All right, your arrow hits the height of this thing. Uh-huh. And you're still about, let's say, did you try to get a little closer or did you stay a distance?

A little bit, but I'm trying to stay a safe distance. All right, you know you hit it, but you don't notice a reaction from where you are. All right. This thing does not acknowledge any of you. It is staying on top of Lekas. Wow. Jerk. It's probably hungry, you guys.

It's little front legs, which, by the way, you can't really get an eye on the legs. The legs seem like they're moving too fast. They're like flailing around like little ribbons. And you can't quite get a visual lock on them, but it starts slapping him in the face. And he's going, ah, ah, damn it, damn it. That's gross. It's like when Andy Serkis got eaten by the grubs in King Kong. I freak out about it when I think about it.

That's the worst. And he gets a nice couple of real hits against this Dragonborn's face. Oh, dear. Does not look pleasant, what's happening to him. Want to give this another shot there, Bodhi? Yeah, for sure. How do you want to hit this guy? I was going to Instagram our game.

Oh, well, you know. Let's see. Right now, you are in the clear. You're the only one real close with Blackass. No miss. You can hack at it. Two-arm overhead. Just try to go right at the middle of it.

Sweet. Split it in half if I can. Okay. That's the idea. We'll see what Mr. Dice does. Oh, 19. Oh, that is certainly a hit. I'll take it. All right, tweet. That's not Rhodes. That's Blaine over there. Rhodes is handed over. His Casio. His bard duties. All right, so that's a hit why don't you

roll for damage roll for some damage what is my sword yeah you got a great sword yeah why do I not have it written right in that shot I don't know

that's a mistake yeah I'm a real jerk Blaine what is me looking up my great sword damage brought to you by looking for Brian's great damage brought to you by Looking for a Brian's great source brought to you by Ikea when you need to get diarrhea from meatballs

Ikea is there for you also a great place to crash if you're homeless and nowhere to hide the cabinet Ikea Yeah! Oh, shit! Yeah, there you go. Nice. That's called box scars. Wow. Do I have anything added to that? Let's see.

You have a plus two strength. I don't have anything written down on that. Anything, Ken, on that? No, that's pretty good damage already. Yeah, again, let's do a quick refresher during the break, and we'll see if you're missing anything. Yeah, but we're level one. You're level one? Yeah, yeah, we're starting.

Good news is you'll get some experience right after this encounter. Cool. Yeah, so you thwack right into it and it feels like, yeah, you do 12 damage and

it feels like wet leather. The sword goes into this thing and just rips a big gash right in its armor. And what looks

like more little legs. Bodhi loudly grunts. Because he's extreme. I don't know if we've talked about this. I want everybody to know Bodhi is extreme. No E at the beginning of that word, right? Bodhi.

He's extreme. Extreme? Yeah, no. Ax-treme. Ax-treme, maybe. Yeah, he's ax-treme. You mean like Alpine Rush or like Cool Blast? Yeah, like total, yeah. Snowboards and hang glides. Yeah, like surf.

Where's Axe Body Spray? Yeah, has a friend named Johnny Utah. Has a friend named Johnny Utah. Inspiration for my dumb shit. Bodhi, got it. I mean, classic shit is what I mean. Classic dumb shit. Some of my favorite shit.

Anyway, so Bodhi's extreme. Okay. He goes, I was waiting to hear that grunt. Yeah, yeah. So after Bodhi grunts, he notices he's cut a foot-long gash in the side of this thing. Yay. And what looks like little legs, little ribbony legs start sticking out of the gash and fluttering around. Ew.

Yeah, it looks like something's spilling out of it, not unlike guts, but they're active. Are they babies? You can't tell, but if you... Is it like a clover field that's like our size? You would get an organic sort of baby vibe from it if not for the fact that it's legs already looked a little supernatural. Ew, gross.

I hate it. What basically looked like legs slash intestines stick out of the gash and start flapping in your face. Not quite hitting you but pretty close. Hey Tweed, what'd you think? Well, I don't have another action, right?

Not yet. And this guy is still, this thing is still shredding our friend? Although now he's kind of looking at Bodhi. Like, why'd you gotta do that, bro?

I'm going to thunder wave him. I'm sorry? I'm just going to kind of go, uh, we're gonna wait for the dog to leave I'm going to shut that door

Sorry Can you shut it The big dog's sleeping next to me Whoop There it is And that's my Thunder wave Sorry Dan's closing a sliding door

Yeah Whoop there it is Is that the Oh that's the little dog I just rolled a little thunder wave A wave of thunderous force sweeps out From me Each creature in a 15 foot cube originating from me

Must make a constitution saving throw. On a failed save, creature takes 2d8 thunder damage and is pushed 10 feet away from me. On a successful save, the creature takes half as much damage and isn't pushed. Unsecured objects are completely within the area of my effect or automatically pushed 10 feet away from me. Smell emits a thunderous boom audible 300 feet. Sounds to me like Lekas and Bodhi at the very least need to roll to not get thunder waved in the face. Yeah, I'm just going to try to blow everybody off of everybody. That's my plan.

Alright. What do I need to do? Sorry, I was writing down what I need to do. I think it was sort of an automatic thing, right? Sorry. It's this constitution roll. Oh. Right? Versus the... Versus your constitution. So lower than...

Deep. Yep. Excellence. You're good. Connect. Just to me Oh and uh Lekas is good too Uh let's see about this big Piece of shit

Oh he certainly did not Ha ha Yeah Rolling a 17 was not good Uh So that's a 2d8 I'm guessing Yeah yeah yeah A 2d8, I'm guessing. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

2d8. Roll them eights. I'm gonna grab another eight, sorry, pardon me. Oh, here's a nice one. I got one. Eleven. Jesus. You guys are whooping this guy's dick.

Yeah, we're doing alright. Now I'm gonna aim this dick. Yeah, we're doing all right. All right. Now we're going to aim this dick. Yeah, he takes a big shot and he slaps off of Lekas against some trees and his legs all start flipping up in the air. He's kind of off balance now. And it almost looks as if

the shadows are trying to pull him back up. They kind of align over him a little bit. All the little vertical shadows that have been kind of dancing against the trees sort of gather around the pill bug

as he tries to get back on his legs. And help him? Yeah! It seems so. That seems really unfortunate. Hey, uh, uh, uh. What's up there, Tweet Tweet? Sorry, no, I'm just thinking about something. I'm just, uh, uh, uh... What's up there? Tweet tweet? Sorry, no, I'm just thinking about something.

I'm just, uh... I'm going to sheave my sword and I'm going to pull off my short bow. Do I have a short bow or a long bow? Sorry. I have a... You know, I have a short bow going. And I'm going to get an arrow ready, knock one, and get ready to fire one up into the trees

if I need to. Sounds good. I'm going to shoot another arrow at the hillbilly. Please do. An eight. Great. That's a hit. Oh, good.

Barely. And a six. Damn. Damn. Alright, so this guy starts getting pulled up into the trees. Okay. By the shadows. He does, however... Yeah, that's not happening, is there?

start spilling out some shadows from his big wound that Bodhi gave him. And it looks like smoky tar is coming out of his skin and hitting the ground. And yeah, an unforeseen force lifts

him up and he starts spraying this stuff at you guys. So... Is this stuff hurt? Roll your decks and tell me if you get out of the way of this shit. Okay. Yeah. How you doing?

You're far away. I'm far away. you're far away far away uh you're far away i'm very far away yeah i didn't get close to any of these things uh yeah like i said so okay you guys managed to get out of there um and this thing tries to make a retreat through the woods. It's floating about, say, just six feet off the ground, and it's kind of bashing against the trees, trying to get deeper into the woods. And the legs are just... Flailing around. Flailing around. And more of this smoky tar stuff is spilling out of it

as it's kind of floating away. And does the tar stuff start to lay on the ground, or does it... It dissipates like a fog or a mist.'s just not shit no no babies living shit sir no babies but you definitely get a really magical vibe off of what came out of it that doesn't seem right what do you do I'm gonna fire an arrow into it can I fire an arrow into it. Can I fire an arrow into it? I'm sorry, pardon me. I'm going to fire an arrow into it. I'll take that 20. I'll give it to you.

Yeah, I'll take the 20. Apologize. Hey, what are arrows doing these days? One D6. One D6? Yes, sir. How about a six? One D6. One D6? Yes, sir. How about a six? Yeah, that works.

Damn. All right, well, you nail this thing, and you hear a horrible screechy noise come from it, although it continues to make its way farther in the woods. Okay. What about the rest of you guys? What are you doing? Lachis looks like he's about to go run after it. He's pissed now. Yeah, he's very emboldened. And the trees are ignoring him?

So far, it's the only one, right? Yeah, only one so far, but it's pretty dark in those woods. Yeah, I don't like the trees grabbing him. Yeah, I don't like the trees grabbing him. Yeah, let's... Should we wait a bit and see what happens to Lycus? Or should we...

He gets up and starts running after him. He's bumping against the trees but he's giving a good job after this. And they're not grabbing him or anything. Not yet, no. This guy is losing my interest. Yeah, we barely talked to the guy. Yeah, it's like an hour into the woods

where there's shit dangling down from the trees. Huh. I said we bravely went away. He's about ten yards away from you. Hey, you okay? You okay on your own there? You guys don't want to get this shit?

We're thinking about it. We almost got him. He's running away like a puss. Yeah, there's got to be more, right? There's probably like thousands more in the woods. How far are we from these two woods? I'm thinking the woods are the problem. Much more than the pill bug.

Okay. Hmm. They're clearly enchanted magic bad, magic woods. He gets another ten yards away. He's like, come on, come on! He's swinging. He's just inches away from being able to hit it.

He's catching up to it. It's up to you. Go follow slowly. Kill the hell out of that thing. Yeah, I'm kind of checking it out But not committing completely I'm cheering them on My sword is still unsheathed

Cool Well you guys let him get A solid like 15-20 yards down Head start on you And all of a sudden Lekka starts going again. Shit! Ah, no!

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no! But this time you don't see anything. I light a torch and he doesn't... Does he still have a torch? No, he left it on the ground where he got jumped. Oh. So you can pick it up if you want. I'm gonna grab it. I'm gonna grab it. Go for it.

And toss it towards him. Yeah, toss it towards him and see if it illuminates anything around him. As you throw it, you notice it looks like a bunch of little bugs are flying at us. Oh, little bugs. Like how little? Like fist-sized. Yuck. That ain't little. That ain't little.

Swarmish. It'd be great if we were German, but... You get a good sense of the size of them when the torch ricochets off a tree, and you get kind of an underneath lit shot of his head and all these little things are coming at him. Don't like it.

You see, what do you guess, maybe like 20 of them? One of us things are coming at him. Don't like it. You see, what do you guess, maybe like 20 of them? Uh. One of us yell for him to come back or get out of there. Uh. He goes shit, shit, shit. And you see he does

start making his way back to you. Okay. Um. Once he's close enough, you realize he's being attacked by fairies. Oh. A bunch of jet black fairies, jet black wings, are trying to bite

his face off and pull off his eyeball. His big offensive looking... Black fairy woods. Story of my life. He's doing a pretty good job of swatting these things away, but there are like 20 of these things, and they're coming at him like bees.

We can help him with that. He's kind of blindly running out of the woods at this point. All right. You can, you know, try to jump on his shoulder and grab one of these things and throw it to the ground. You can hack at him. I'm going to hack at him. Go for it.

If he's close to me yet, I don't know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's running past you at this point. He's headed back to the clearing to the southeast. I'm going to short sword. Sword. Twelve. I'm just attacking one of them.

It's fine. Let's do another edit point. Alright, we're back. And, yeah, you just took... Black fairies are flying around. Black fairies. Black fairies. Wherever I go, he goes.

Black fairies. Black fairies. Black fairies, wherever I go, he goes. Black fairies, black fairies. Black fairies and me. Black fairies and me like to get dragged up a tree. So Tom took his dagger out and cut a couple of these things in half, right? A sword, yeah. A sword, got it. And, yeah, you got a short sword. I have daggers, too, but I a short sword. I have daggers too,

but I use my sword because it's more damage. Uh, Lycus seems to be kind of ridding himself of these things, but he's

very bitter about the experience. You can tell he's got some blue balls from the battle. Uh, so he gets, he gets like two of them himself.

Some of them kind of peel off, and he realizes they're retreating, and he grabs one of the fairies, and instead of killing it, he just punches it in the face repeatedly until it stops moving. And then he's very careful not to kill it. He puts it in a bag. Okay.

You can sell it. Yeah, I think that's the idea Friend why did you do that Why did I do what Why did you put that little weird fairy in there I want to talk to this piece of shit Okay what do you hope to I want to find out where the fuck we are

My ship's supposed to pick us up tomorrow That thing doesn't show up I don't want to find out where the fuck we are And you think this fairy might know that? I don't know man, maybe That's extreme man You seem like a pretty extreme kind of guy I'm totally extreme

You wanna go get piercings later? Extreme! You're not gonna get those weird ear gauges are you? Those are pretty extreme They are And he's a half-orc, so he could probably get like two

in one ear look. I've got the backs of my knees pierced. I show blame my ear. You mean like this? And I've already got one in there. And I'm going to

show him that I have a neck bolt like Frankenstein. I got it at Piercing Pagoda at the Elf Mall. And I have a tattoo that says

Melchor. Of course you do. Lekas, who's been punched in the face and deformed for the rest of his life,

seems a little bored by your display of external... You're pretty cool, right? Yeah, you guys are real cool.

Everybody roll perception check. Is that a 20 sign? Yes, sir. I got a three. We were going to roll under something, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I just want to hear what you got. I got a two.

And I have a plus one of my perception, which is a wisdom. Roll under what? We're going to say... Is it your wisdom? It's your wisdom, right? Yeah, yeah. I rolled over. All right, so you keep showing off your ear gauges.

And Lekas keeps talking to you about him. However, Tom and Tui, you notice that some distance away, walking into the forest is your old friend, Horo. Oh, the weird bard dude that shaved his head? Walking into the forest alone and muttering to himself. Hey, lunatic. Do I see him now once he says lunatic? Yeah, absolutely. You turn and see him.

What's going on? Ding dong? Does he see us? Nope, he's ignoring you completely. Hello? And he crosses into the woods. Do you guys do anything? Yeah, shadow him. Alright. Takes you, let's say,

just a couple of turns To catch up to him Without catching his attention And he doesn't notice you at all He starts taking off his clothes Does he seem like He's already nutty So he's like in a trance kind of thing Yeah, absolutely

Why's that guy taking his garbs off That's extreme. I don't know, but you want to keep watching? Yeah, the guy's fucking crazy. I'm drunk. I'll watch a guy strip naked in the woods, and I don't give a shit. Hmm. Friend.

That's what's a good fairy to death. What to make of you. I mean, the fairy, yeah, that's exactly, man. That's going to be pretty funny when the fairy starts attacking a naked bard in the woods. Is it happening? I give it like five seconds, man. All right, let's keep watching. All right, let's give it five seconds.

All right, you do. And he takes out, as he pulls his leggings off, a large knife that had been tucked away in his pant legs. And he plunges it into his own abdomen. Way to go. Whoa. Yuck. Lekas kind of grunts to himself and says, yeah, man, I'm never really into this shit no more.

It's kind of a bummer. I'm going to get the fuck out of here. Is it like a... What? Is it like a... What is the deal with Zach or something? Is it a wound that is going to bring death upon him soon? He hunches over. His back is to you right now. How deep did he go?

He went pretty deep. It looks like he went to the hill to the six inch knife. Oh, yeah. And you can see he's tugging up. Ugh. Like he's trying... He's trying to get traction up his ribcage

with the knife. The guy stabbed himself. I wish you guys would be taking this more seriously. So he's sepulchering over there. Yeah. There's nothing I'm going to do to stop him. The guys are nuts. Yeah, it looks like he's kind of a lost cause.

You know what? I think it might be a good idea to sort of start looking around to see if there's anything up in the trees that are coming to get this guy. Like maybe he's sacrificing himself to some sort of... It's darker because you're not as close to him. But you do think you see some of the vertical

shadows kind of gathering around him when they're gathered around the pill bug. Okay. And those... Do those look the same as what turned out to be fairies? Or is that what they are? No, actually. No, they don't. That sucks.

Yeah. So, vertical shadows. What do you guys think? And yeah, these vertical shadows seem like there's almost like long legs going up into the trees from the ground that you can't see. So they're not the pill bugs. It's something else. Yeah, it's not the pill bugs, but it's something that was there for the pill bugs.

As opposed to the tree? They look almost as if they're so tall they almost look like they're coming from the treetops. But they are shadows. They are intangible. They are walking sticks. Is there a wraith vibe coming off of these things?

Like a Like an evil mist Or is there any sort of tangibility Do you have any occult Or specialties in the necromancy era? I have some Ian Astbury solo stuff Different cult

Hey you know what I'm going to do? What are you going to do? I'm going to fire a firebolt up into these goddamn black clouds. Yeah, do it. I approve. Yeah, that's about it. I hurl a mode of fire at a creature or object within range.

I'm going to make a ranged spell attack against the target, and if it does, the target takes 1d10 of fire damage and Anything that's flammable is gonna light up And we're gonna call this target within range the sort of gathering of shadows above this this guy Horo. Yeah I'm a little nervous about these What am I doing? Is this an attack roll? Yeah, it's an attack roll. How about a 10?

Does that count, do you think? I mean, I am just sort of firing up into a shadowed area. Okay. Okay. Let's see. Your... Your... Your Your I shouldn't do this Your firebolt hits a tree

And lights a tree on fire But you hear a very strange noise When it hits the tree You hear what almost sounds like Someone blowing randomly into a pan flute. And a sort of weird kind of like

noise. Trees are alive? Trees are alive, right? You hit one tree and it's on fire. About, let's say, 20 feet above the ground. Now, the light of the fire, does that make it easier to see the tall black shadows? They're still there.

They're in starker contrast, and they're still collecting around this guy who's now halfway up his ribcage with the knife. Do they seem more solid or more tangible? More contrast. So, like, they're taking him over or something? Yeah, it almost looks like they're taking him over or something? Yeah, it almost looks like they're collecting him. That's a great way to put it. I would say

Let us not get collected. Yeah. Let's collect ourselves. Bodhi thinks this is pretty extreme. What is an extreme, Bodhi? BO.

Yeah. Sleeping is an extreme. Boring things. Everybody roll your perception again. Whoops. Whoops. Thirteen. Is that under? Under your whiz?

Oh, my whiz? Yeah, fourteen. I'm under mine. We're all under. You notice a small group of soldiers outside the woods near where the encampment is have gathered to watch what's happening. You notice a small group of soldiers outside the woods near where the encampment is have gathered to watch what's happening because they heard the sounds of fighting.

And they're all just sort of standing dumbstruck at the fire in the trees. They're not sure what to do yet, but you've got their attention. How do you like that shit, soldier dudes? So what are you going to do? Well, there's nothing we can do. This guy's dead, and he's getting taken away by these weird... Yeah. What's Lekas?

Is he roaring to go somewhere, or what? Yeah, where is Lekas? He's out of the woods, kind of trying to get his bearings. He was shaken by being attacked. Oh, did he go back to where the other guys are now? No, he didn't go back to where the other guys are, but he didn't follow you after dumb shit. Alright, well let's get over here then.

Yeah, retreat. Cool, as you turn away you notice something real fucked up is happening. What? To this guy. Oh, the guy that's being overtaken by the dark. Do you want to take one last look? Sure. What do I see? You see rather suddenly he slices up quickly through the rest of his ribcage,

and his skin kind of flops down like clothing would. That's weird. And he has disappeared. You see a dark mass where he was for a moment that then shoots up into the tree line. Wow. That was cool. Was that extreme? Well, did you say it was weird?

You said it was weird, right? Extremely weird. Yeah, it was almost like he turned into some shadow and shed his skin at the last second. So it's like a forest full of skin-shed shadows. You got a real bad vibe. Yeah, I do. So the trees and something, the forest kills you,

and then it takes your essence, and your essence forms these black things. Is there unrest in the forest kills you and then it takes your essence and your essence forms these black things. Is there unrest in the forest? There's trouble with the trees? Hey, careful. What you say about this company is what you say about society. But the maples want more sunlight

and the oaks resist their fleas. Lekas comes over and says... I think that's right. Any Rush fans want to call me on that he says hey I think we woke everybody up

yeah I think maybe they'll sell us some more booze not a bad idea let's go drink I think we go get some more drink

and see if we can wake this fairy up and talk to this fucking thing alright I want to find out if they know anything about the forest yeah let's wake wake this fairy up and talk to this fucking thing. Alright. I want to find out if they know anything about the forest. Yeah, let's wake this fucking fairy up.

Do we have to pay for Rush if I'm just trying to figure it out on the keyboard? I don't think so. What if it's like brown bar cheddar? So, great. So, you head back to the bar. Whiskey's on the house everybody's excited because you're the first action

can I get a martini and rossi assi spumante say yes we have champagne martini and rossi assi spumante Budweiser margarita lights are on sale listeners of the old show,

if you were wondering if Blaine was going to have newer references, the answer is what the fuck were you thinking? There were more Teeny Rossy commercials

in the 80s. I'm still sad that Dick Godier died. Yeah. It was pretty cool. His father's name was on it. We lost Mary Tyler Moore last week. We lost somebody. Well, last year. His father's name was Harvey. We lost Mary Tyler Moore last week.

We lost so many people. Well, last year. Jesus. John, I heard. Last time we recorded, especially, yeah. The better part of human civilization took themselves out before Donald Trump was inaugurated. All right, so you head back to the tent. Yeah, drinks are in the house.

Great. And Lekas starts poking this thing. He ties it down to the house. Great. And Lekka starts poking this thing. He ties it down to the bar. He gets he gets the bar to give him some hammer and nails

and he makes like a little kind of like twine torture thing set up where he's not not literally being tortured

but his arms and legs are bound. Right. And step to the the little slab of wood that they're using to guard her. Where am I now?

We're out of the forest. You're inside the tent. Yeah, we're in the barn. Yeah, it's a cheap little bar that's gotten thrown together by these merchants. I forgot that I had dark vision. That would have helped us in that forest because I could have seen even more,

so what was going on up on the top of the trees. Yeah, still everything looked dim because of how dark it was. I really wouldn't have seen anything. No, the trees obscured everything, but you definitely got the sense that this was a crowded forest. How daytime it was when we were in there.

One morning. Yeah. But for me, areas of darkness are only lightly obscured as far as I'm concerned. So the creature... The tree cover made it tough and the shadows were magical.

I can't discern color in darkness. I can only see shades of gray. How many shades of gray do you think you could see? Fifty. Can you show a wider? Like 50 plus, maybe. Well, I think Tui and Tom, because they're an elf and a tiefling, are in the same position as you. I think all three of you guys have night vision. Okay, cool.

And you did see everything. Right, right. As clearly as you could. I'm just learning this character. Yeah. So what do we get? Are we hearing anything out of the fairy? Fairy starts waking up.

And Lex is like Alright motherfucker Why do you Why do you come after me And he's like Stay out of my woods You piece of shit Stay out of my woods You piece of shit

Jesus Christ These two again Get some nerve Um And uh Lex He's He's had more than

His fill of whiskey At this point He's a dragonborn But he's been drinking All day he's had more than his fill of whiskey at this point. He's a dragonborn but he's been drinking all day. So he seems like he's not really doing any fun thoughtful interrogating. He's just kind of like, motherfucker I'm gonna send you back

to the woods in a fucking stretcher. Just like nonsense. He says a couple of things like, you know, where did everybody go? What happened to the settlement? But the fairy's not really responding right away. Can we take a quick break? Yeah, let's take a break. I'm going to say goodnight to the little fella.

Go for it. And we're back. All right. And we're back. Alright, so you guys want to take a crack at interrogating this little fairy guy? Yeah. Yeah. Alright, he's definitely creepy looking. He's got fangs. He's jet black.

He's wearing a little loincloth. And he's pissed at Lekas messing with him Tom Lekas? no Lekas not Lekas Lekas the professor what are we asking him?

where did everybody go? is that sure what do we hope to get from him? and as soon as you start talking Lekas grabs his

whiskey and just kind of backs off and lets you take over. And you start just kind of mumbling to himself. Ferry says, I ain't telling you. I'm sorry, that's more Lekas' voice. He goes, I don't tell you.

I'm going to put a finger on his chest and press. I ain't afraid of no cops. And say, what's the story in the forest? It's my forest, man. Press it harder. It's my forest. You can't take this away from me. Manon can't take this away from me.

Is it an evil forest? I heard about Manon before. Manon's not evil, man. He's Manon. You seem like a dark fairy. Well, you look evil, man. You'd Manon despair you. You seem like a dark fairy. Yeah, I'm pretty badass. I guess evil is... Are you extreme?

What's that quote, guys? I was going to say, I guess evil is sort of subjective. Man, shut the fuck up. Yeah, I'm extreme as hell, man. I skateboard, I do parkour and shit. subjective Extreme as hell man. I skateboard I do parkour and shit a parkour fairy, huh? My island too bad for you guys losing their world and shut out your fuck this fairy's a little troll. How long you been here? Man, I'm 350 years old, man.

And you've always been here, huh? Yeah, man. This is my turf. Who do you share the forest with? I share the forest with whoever I feel like sharing the forest with, man. But what other creatures are in the forest? I don't care, man. The Demolith, man.

I don't care about the Demolith. Demolith, huh? Yeah, man. What do we know about the Demolith? I don't know. What do you know about the Demolith? I don't know nothing. Wow. You guys think they're great just because they're taking over this little island? mouth them.

You guys think they're great just because they're taking over this little island? You won't be here long, man. Why don't we get him drunk? Oh, yeah. Hey, can I ask him something? Yeah, sure. What's with those black things in the trees? Man, I already told you.

I ain't afraid of no demolith. Demolith. I mean, is it solid? My shit's a real solid, man. I got lots of fiber every day. I just have the littlest, tiniest shit. Adorable. Just looking through the monster's manual.

Under the D's. What? I don't know. So, what happened to our world? We don't know about whatever you're talking about. Oh, shit. You don't even know. What happened? What's? We don't know about whatever you're talking about. Oh, shit. You don't even know. What happened?

What's your name, fairy? What? What's your name, fairy? Gago? Gago? Gago, the fairy. Lady Gago? I don't get that reference.

I don't either. He's always leaving. He's always saying, Gago, Gago. I can't get that reference. I don't either. He's always leaving. He's always saying, I'm too young to know that reference. I can't stay, I go. I'm Gago the Oath. The Oath? Yeah, man.

Gago's been around for millennia. So Gago are you dicks? Way longer than this devil is bullshit. I'm older than your whole world. So you saw what happened to our world? No man I didn't see it But I don't need to see it

It's gone So the Demolich is what Took over that guy That was stabbing himself He said Demolich And You're not You're not 100% sure

but yeah you get the impression that there's something in the woods called the Demolith Demolith? Yeah. Okay. Oh, Lith! Well in my book not Bodhi's book by the way I just happen to be glancing at her book

but I guess it's useless. Oh, you know what he might, yeah, there's a chance he's mispronoun way. I just happen to be glancing at our book, but I guess it's useless. Oh, you know what? Yeah, there's a chance he's mispronouncing it. Oh, okay. Okay. Or he plays Final Fantasy. I feel like I've heard of them before. Are they tiny undead?

I don't know. What do we think happened to that guy? I mean... He got absorbed in some way. And we weren't close enough to see what was actually left of him when it disappeared. Right. Can we go back to the woods and check out where he was?

So it seems like the woods drove him crazy, drove him to kill himself. He was already crazy, I think. Well, right. But the woods... Oh, before he got to the woods you think it's good before well before we met him he was he was heading crazy right but wasn't he already inspired by the woods because he had already been out here it's like before you're right yeah come handle the demo of man who can Can you handle a devil? Yeah, man, I can handle that shit. How do you fight

him? You don't fight that shit, man. You don't exist on the same planet as your bitch ass. Alright. Interesting. What are we at time-wise on this? We're about a good time to wrap up the episode, I think. Yeah. Hey, uh,

shout out. What if we gave him, I kind of like the idea of maybe plying him. It's a great idea. Do you like, yeah. What do you like to drink? What do you imbibe, my friend? I'm doing some forest.

That's been fermented longer. Pruno. He likes pruno. What a weird coincidence. Not a bad idea. I think we should save it for next time but yeah I wanted to say thank you to Loot Crate

we don't have an official deal with them yet but they're sending us shit again thanks Loot Crate thanks Loot Crate and thanks for listening guys I'm excited for these to be up I don't know when they're going to be up

very soon well if you're listening to them they're up yeah it's exciting for us thanks for listening guys thanks bye hey thanks for listening to Brian Poussin's Nerd Poker.

You can follow us on Facebook and Twitter at Nerd Poker Podcast. Our new P.O. Box is Nerd Poker P.O. Box 16069 Encino, California 91416. Anything you want to send us comes right to me and I'll share it with the guys we also have a Patreon account patreon.com slash nerdpoker

p-a-t-r-e-o-n dot com slash nerdpoker and there if you join us there you can get monthly bonus episodes for supporting us there. As you may have noticed, we have some mic problems in these first couple episodes.

I just had one mic in my dining room as we got a producer involved. We figured we really need a second mic. So that gets resolved. But I still want to present you the first eight episodes the way we recorded them but just know uh sometimes we'll be off mic one or one or two of us might be off mic

thanks again for listening guys couldn't do it without you The God God Master