Nerd Poker - Episode 20 - Evacuation Plan

Episode Date: June 5, 2019

Sarah is back, and just in time to steer Halcyne out of the airship wreckage with Dr. Uid and TikTok as all three must decide if it's worth waiting for their pal Queep to set down Dargthur and take turngs flying them down to the Time Boat. More drastic measures may be in order. Something seems to be approaching through the storm clouds, something much bigger than an aarakocra carrying his half-drow friend.

Hey everybody, I'm Brian Poussin, Comedian, writer, actor, nerd. I've been playing D&D with my friends for a long time. I decided to do a new podcast where we play Dungeons & Dragons in my very own dining room. With my wife, kid, and my noisy dogs. So meet my friends Sarah, Kev, Dan, Blaine, Chris. Now it's time for another episode of Brian Pussain's Nerd Poker. Season three. Hey, everybody.

Hey, everybody. All right, one more time. Let me laugh. Keep going, you fuck. Do the intros while I laugh. My laugh's that horrifying? Hey, everybody. I'm Brian Pussain, and you're listening to Brian Pussain's Nerd Poker. Do the intros while I laugh That's that horrifying Hey everybody I'm Brian Pessain and you're listening to

Brian Pessain's Nerd Poker Episode 20 of season 3 We did it My friends are here, all of them this week Look at that, this whole table Since Blaine's 10th birthday His stuff from Rhodes up Right by his head table. Yay! It's Blaine's 10th birthday. Stuff from Rhodes up right by his head.

My friend Chris is here. Hello. Sarah's back. Yay. Ken. Shockers. Dan. Hi, Brian. I like the way you did that. Blaine. I wished I was big. And at the end of the table,

wearing the Sarah Paulson sweatshirt, our friend Sam, everybody. Hi, everyone. What's up, buddy? I got it. So before I get to patrons, you have some people you want to thank. Yeah, well, we found out who gave us our...

This one-minute timer has already been used way more than our five-minute timer. Thank you, Rob LaDuke, our longtime Patreon supporter, who sent that to us because we whined. Thanks for your useful gift. Very classy-looking brass little timer. Yeah, thanks so much, buddy. Thanks for listening, and thanks for helping out.

It's both a gift and a hint. Yeah, exactly. Hey, Roach, do you want to say hi? Oh, yeah. Where's the on button for the PlayStation? What do you mean the on button for the PlayStation? I mean, like, I need to turn it on. On the controller. Oh, on the controller.

Yeah, you hit the PS button. Oh, the logo? Yeah. Hi, guys, I'm about to play Spider-Man on the PS4. Is that commercial? thanks wow we gotta hey with great power comes great responsibility that's a big he just shot a web advertiser he doesn't respect his dead uncle at all advertiser flip it flip it good so thanks rob leduc and who else brian oh yeah uh i got this here uh to brian ken dan blaine sarah chris and sam also roads since he kills the intros please and uh find enclosed 20 to fund further adventures help pay terry's divorce lawyer by romantic dinner for sour boy and mechanical man

see fanfic below since that's a thing now. That's going to be our next one off or sweet or sweet wedding. Hot Skittles. In all honesty, you guys are the best thing about my weeks. I can't tell you how much of an impact you constantly make on my mental health and outlook. I gladly give this to my comedy hero along with my monthly patron sub used eraser nipples.

That's his name. I've listened since Earwolf and when you went away, I re-listened five or six times to the entire catalog. So happy you're back. Enough of that. Here's an erotic haiku. Now, since it's you, you got to read the haiku.

It's me? It's in his TikTok voice is what I'm guessing. Nerd poker after dark. Oh, wow. Here we go. Oh, wait. Excuse me.

If I may borrow from Blaine a few episodes ago. And now it's time for Dick Talk with TikTok. TikTok gazed away. The Admiral takes his chin. A gentle kiss waits. This has been dick talk with tiktok back to you Dan

brought to you by Fritos beautiful love story thank you for all of that thanks for the laughs Kurt A. Joseph and then there's a PS can I read the PS PS Uncle Nick is my favorite Christmas movie yay

that was great I thought when he said he wanted to thank his comedy hero P.S. Uncle Nick is my favorite Christmas movie Yay Mine too I thought when he said he wanted to thank his comedy hero He was talking about me, I guess he was talking about you Brian I thought Uncle Nick was a die hard movie I wish Oh please use that joke very often A yabba dabba doo And thank you to Patreon supporters like david allison

thank you david allison thank you uh rosso the grosso yeah rosso thank you wastrel thank you thank you matt warley thank you master tortoise thank you and thank you the princeton perambulator

oh my god how about mavis thanks mavis mavis your fur's growing back Princeton Perambulator. Oh my God. How about Mavis? Thanks, Mavis. Thanks, Mavis. Your fur's growing back. She's like, wait, why are you talking to me? What's happening? Yeah, she's growing it back out. Before we get into what happened last time on Nerd Poker, we did a live show. I want to thank everybody who watched

live when we did the D&D live event. I can't tell Sarah and Blaine how much they were missed and how every five seconds we were like i watched most of it from my convalescence yes and so and uh yeah uh it was great it is so good to have you back and i want i read all of the chat so oh boy oh boy i was spying on everybody did you have many anonymous accounts you could kind of get conversations going back and forth and you know i guess because no one could kind of get conversations going back and forth? And you know, I guess

because no one died, we have to make it canon. And as long as we're making it canon, I thought we would get, for those who missed it, a recap from Sam. What happened on that live episode? Well, if you're just joining us last week, okay, here are my notes. Oh, I'm playing. This is terrifying.

By the way, he sat in for Blaine. Terry was in the big battle. Oh, the lights just went out. You would think a D&D Fest would have more tech nerds. We're in a mayoral race with Krampus. I don't trust a lot of people in this mayoral race. You guys remember when we killed that horse? Sister Briarlock seems like she has a plan.

I like it. Oh, everyone else doesn't like the plan. There's a portal opening. What is it with this game indoors? I think Chris is cheating. Oh, his phone says to add more points. We poked that woman and now she's on a wheel. Tick tock poked her as well and he failed.

There's a skull in a chair like the Pope. Oh, I think we just killed our way home. Oh, tick tocks energy when he's on fire is insane there's a pile of teeth and bones coming for dark there i think sometimes terry's actions are being confused for cowardice um tick tell nope tick tock himself then poked the teeth mass uh i just realized our i just realized the Brian Pissain logo is the cover of the players handbook. It's been six years. You guys see that bird behind me. That baby so a lady in a bird, cuz there's really quick. If you weren't

there, there was a window behind us while we played and someone in a cake you like bird person costumes stared at Sam as if you knew exactly what our podcast is really close. She's on TRL every morning. It was it was the most TRL bird fetish moment there's ever been. Oh, now I'm a portal. Brian

smashed the skull and now there's bug swirling. It never ends with Dan. Oh, the bird is blind. Tick tock hit the skull with an arrow and defeated the skull. And then I ship myself. Yay. And last time. Thanks for listening.

Go. Our heroes went through the fallen airship. They found a treasure. And on the way back to the boat they scouted ahead via gus hearing giant wing beats upon the wind so they tried to stealthily approach the boat queep carrying his pal dogther they sniped at some weird ass smoky thing on the deck of their ship, hit it with one arrow as it turned around. It disappeared. And then they went below deck

to find a trail of blood leading them to Hoshinka standing over a wounded jonkel. They shut the door behind them only after Hoshinka insisted and realized too late they had been followed. A creature that looks like a series of eels stapled together

slid out from between cracks in the wooden planks that comprise the boat's below decks area, grabbed at them. Also a creature that rose from the icy slush upon the floor, comprised of what appeared to be water filled with pink flame, suddenly appeared on the other side. And the rest of our party is split. They're up still in the fallen observation fly-in machine.

That's where we last left our heroes. Um, and ahem, at the last of our moments in episode 19, I promised we would pick up, up in the ship ship because we spent like a solid 10, 15 minutes just on Queep and Darkthor descending towards the boat. So without any further ado, we cut back to Tick Tock, Helsene, and Dr. Uwud. You guys are in a compartment just inside a wooden door. You know, on the other side of this wooden door is a broken open part of this observatory ship and the path back to the boat. And just icy winds hundreds of feet above the North Seas.

And, yeah. Sounds cozy. And he's got these little leathery bat wings. I'm really worried about Terry. Terry got these little leathery bat wings i'm really worried about terry terry's got a little leathery i'm bringing you guys up to speed last time i saw terry's got leathery bat wings i see oh that happened so mid-conversation is what they just yeah just a little bit of canon just got snuck in there as well um i did miss the last episode so i genuinely have no idea what's going on so i'm gonna let

you guys take the lead here i don't really know what we should do very yeah it's uh we can't get down because queep is down there already we don't have enough rope although an idea did occur to me we don't have enough rope to get all the way down but we know that there's water we could create enough rope and then drop... To hang ourselves? Well, to drop down to the water. And so, who's got an amulet of water breathing, right? I do. But

plummeting from a great height to water... Well, we would make sure it's not a crazy height. Just an okay height? Yeah. I don't know. Send it. Like an Acapulco ledge dive. Not quite a cliff. That's like 100 feet.

Wasn't it like hundreds and hundreds of feet? Yeah. And we have how many? We have 200 feet of rope. Okay. I think. Assuming we have all the rope we used. How much rope do we have?

Would they be concerned about how long it had been since they'd been gone? Or is that like... They've been gone for about... I'm trying to do all the like, okay, so each round of combat is six seconds. It's like five, ten minutes. And the plan was for Queep to come back. But also, the last time we tried to get you up here, you guys were gone for three hours and didn't make it. Well. So we are kind of on a...

I've been doing keto, so I feel like... Why don't the three of you do a perception check and I will kind of give you a lay of the land. I'm assuming you would maybe want to even peek open through the door that's the exit. I got a 14. Okay. 21.

For perception? Damn, yeah. I got a 14. Okay. 21. For perception. Damn. Yeah. I got a 19. All right. So you do sort of remember back in the gear room, there were a few extra lengths of rope that were tied up. There was also a few seafaring, like life preserver type things and some objects that look like they may

have been designed to help you escape the ship. So there's like emergency supplies in the big gear room. You also, with that 21, think you hear like a, like you're really aware, Halcine, of all the gear noises. And it sounds like in the last few minutes, there's maybe even like new ticking noises. Okay. And you're familiar? could he fly down to

see what's happening or it's it's been a little while since he did a yeah let's say hey Gus I need a nest boss um sorry I called you sir before I got all mixed up you told me to call you boss would you like me to nervously bite at my own wings like a parrot would

if it pleases you, of course. I suppose it would bring resolution to the mistake I made. Very well. It's all right. No one's calling you

on it, buddy. He nervously bites his wings anyway as if to follow through on a promise. Hey, how far down from here to the boat? I believe it is

approximately 350 feet, sir. Okay. I'm sorry, boss. Don't call him, sir. He works for a living. So let's, you guys want to try and tie this stuff together?

It also occurs to me right before they went down, we heard giant creature noises. It could have been wings flapping. Yeah, but can't he fly down and see that everything's okay? Yeah, I'm just saying around here.

Hey, Sam. You heard a little noise that sounded something like this. This is what we heard? Basketball? It was a basketball game. It's in the half court. I call traveling.

So there's something else up here. A jug band? So maybe if we try and get down from here, it might be a good idea. I mean, yeah. I just was wondering if you... Okay. Yeah.

Sounds good. Let's tie all the ropes together. I just don't want to be dangling from a rope if there's a big thing flying. Yeah, you're right. Oh, it's for sure dangerous. Yeah, you're right about that. Are you calling me a coward?

No, no, no. I'm saying I'm just not sure what else we can do. No, you're right about that. Are you calling me a coward? No, no, no. I'm saying I'm just not sure what else we can do. No, you're right. We're going to be food at a certain point. Okay, well, can Gus fly down and see if Queep is on his way back up? Maybe Queep is flying back up right now and they'll just meet halfway.

Time to go for a scouting trip? Yeah, what do you see down there? Cool, I'm going to go fly out with my little wings. And then I'm going to go towards boat. Do you want me to go all the way to the boat? Yeah, well, I remember last time you stopped short because you saw the monsters. That's fine.

It was a little creepy. Yeah, it's okay. So they know there's monsters and that they're with monsters. You're aware that there was at least two things on the deck of the boat, yeah. When Queep and everybody else got down there. In fact, they gave you a similar description of those two guys. upon reading more about special specifically pseudo dragon familiar

that mile we can sort of see i can see what he sees and we can communicate like that so he can do you want me to be sneaky boss yes okay off i go so roll a stealth and a perception form please sorry that took me so long to understand. No, this is confusing. Yeah, and it's hard to remember everything that happened last episode because it was like a solid two weeks ago. I also had brain surgeries. Only a guy can use it for another couple of weeks. I had brain surgery.

I will counter that with, have you even begun to read all the messages on the Patreon and the Facebook? Thank you so much to everybody who said nice stuff. People were very concerned. Now I'm back to everybody who said nice stuff. People were very concerned. Now I'm back and I'm a Cyberman. It's true. For stealth, a 16.

For perception, a natural one, but with the bonus, it's a 4. Oh, good God. Alright. So he makes a round. You know what? He flies around it. It is just like ice and wind and mist. So he comes back and he says... He doesn't have to come back.

He can talk to me. He talks and he says, Sir, I know this is my second scouting trip out here looking for stuff. And I'm kind of 0 for 2, like trying to tell you if there's a giant dragon out here. But, oh boy, I don't see nothing.

Okay, well... if you want i can keep patrolling definitely keep patrolling and just keep checking in with you know we'll assume no news is good news so you just speak up if you see something i will have you do a periodic perception check great so all right climbing it is yeah how much how much length of you are you guys going back to the gear room to get stuff yeah let, let's go get it all. Okay, so you go back there and... Are they still going to be open at this hour? Hal Seen's cousin works there, right?

Okay, then we can get an employee discount. You find when you walk in and you're looking at the gears, like let's say Brian's patio doors are the doors. You walk in to your left, there's a small desk and there's a pile of ropes.

There's another rope that's kind of wrapped around two steel hooks and there are just a few basic supplies. There's no rations or anything that you guys would really want. In fact, it looks like some of these things are meant to be magically enchanted or have been picked apart by previous people in this room.

It's been scavenged lightly but you find a lot of rope uh so the some of it you have to untie it's actually like attached to stuff it's not meant to be taken um but when you're done you have pardon me while i scroll way down on the quest log, scavengeable items, you manage to scrape up another 200 feet of rope. Great. Okay. And you would know that would be just about enough to get you down, but it's a little tricky because of the places you're going to have to try tying knots.

down, but it's a little tricky because of the places you're going to have to try tying knots. But Halcine, being a sailor, gets to roll an advantage on a survival check to tie the knots. But I am going to make her roll to tie the knots because this is some ad hoc business and it is only fair. Halcine, as a professional

sailor, what do you do with a drunken sailor? Is he asking me for real? Well, especially so early in the morning. Oh no, I have a weird feeling she literally doesn't know the song. You know that song? What do you do with a drunken sailor? What do you do with a drunken sailor?

What do you do with a drunken sailor early in the morning? Sarah has never looked more confused. This is like a Blaine reference. I definitely looked more confused. Maybe you knew it before. I know it's good, but the part they cut out was probably me discovering all kinds of fun stuff like that. I think I'm going to get that

surgery myself. Just kidding. Forget the 80s. Get some songs removed from your head, Blaine. It'll feel great. Oh my God, I got to get Stand By by Roman Holiday out of there. What is that song, though? What's it from? It's like a, what do you call it? A sea shanty. It's like one of those, it's been repurposed.

It was probably in like the Treasure Island movie. It's actually more of a here shanty. I'm begging you to roll the survival check. Ooh, nice. I'll give you triple advantage if survival check. Oh, nice. I'll give you triple advantage if you do it faster next time. Okay, well, I got 18 two times. Okay, well, and that's with your bonus? Oh, no, I get 21.

Hot damn. Yeah, you couldn't feel better about these nuts. You're like an animal. What do you do with a drunken sailor? That's a double twist and half hits. I will defer to Halcine of what to do with a drunken sailor. I think you name the stout after her is what happens. Tie some awesome knots.

You get about, it takes, you know, how many, sorry, I have to do math all of a sudden. You have to tie eight different knots, but you get it all in a pretty good shape within an hour or so. Eight ties. I'm living in the eight ties. That's for Brian. Because it takes an hour, please do a perception check. This is for us. That was a killing joke, Lane.

18. We're back, everybody. How far can you see through his eyes? How far? It doesn't say. Up to a mile, but I don't know what his vision is he has as far as special vision he has dark how far can he be from you and you because because with a normal familiar there is it's a pretty short distance anyone it says anyone else it's 100 feet with me

because i'm the guy it's a mile okay uh you you you see through his eyes clouds taking a sharp movement and parting as if wings are beating them away and he turns away as you see a dark shape in the clouds that is much larger than any of you combined. Dragon-like perhaps?

You get a pretty strong feeling that he caught a glimpse of a dragon. That's cool. Somewhere between here and the ship, just sort of in the clouds from that hbo show and uh he goes he goes oh boy uh-oh uh-oh boss coming in hot um i cast fog cloud on the rope length oh yeah um i will also let you do a oh yeah um i will also let you do a let's do a wisdom saving throw to see if you really got the rope all the way down before this perception check happened 15 yeah some of it is lower but it doesn't go the full length so you've got about 100 feet of the rope lowered when you get that wisdom saving throw uh

huh what did i just say 15 17 okay 60 feet of the rope is lowered uh before gus gives the uh coming in hot alert okay oh so it's like right there and he's come yeah he he's he's like sir i uh i'm coming in i'm coming in from the west i'm coming in from the west and you see from the right uh i'm reversing it for you he goes and he slams into your shoulder and uh uh hey sam can we uh get to the thing you you uh you hear a little bit of this action uh coming in so yeah is it You can leave that, Sam. Is it somebody drooling? Nope. It is the sound of wings beating.

Oh, I was hoping it was somebody drooling. Maybe it's Terry coming to save us? How big is the fog that you're casting? Can you remind me? You may have just told me, so sorry if I'm making you restate. I did not just tell you. Oh, what?

It's in your spell cards. Yes, I know. I just knew I'm going to get them right now. I saw you grab for them before I said it. I was just narratively covering the gap. I was definitely not trying to card-splain. Oh. Well, it's not that great.

But let's say I'm going to use second level. So it's going to be a 40-foot radius centered on a point within range. And range is 120 feet so what i'm gonna do is i'm gonna set it um down 40 feet you know so that we're on that are you gonna pull the rope up so it's within the fog too no the bottom of the rope can dangle from the fog right i mean i don't or should we pull it up how how long do you say did you say it was 60 feet down there's only 60 feet so far oh no then it should be fine because what i'm going to do is i'm going to put um 30 feet down the rope okay i'm going to put a 40 foot radius cloud so that'll go okay 40 feet in

either direction okay right so yes yeah great so uh you you cover it with the fog and it's gonna go all the way up to you guys okay now I know Brian's put out a couple of 40-foot radius fog every now then yeah thanks Arby's means roast beef it's RB I'm gonna need you guys to do a dexterity savings row you sir they, sir. They got the meats. They got the meats. I want to know better. They got the meats. It's all together. Work in.

Play in. Day or night. Arby's has the beef that's right. Did you roll your saving throw before your Arby's commercial? Did I? No. Roll Dexterity saving throw, please. You might fall out of the sky.

Blaine died doing what he loved singing a commercial i got a 10 okay uh and when you got a seven yeah so uh all of a sudden the observatory takes a very violent um and uh as you guys try to brace yourselves uh you slip and fall uh you don't observatory takes a very violent and as you guys try to brace yourselves, you slip and fall. You don't fall off, but you are sliding down. Remember, we are at a 45 degree angle, so you're going down towards a jagged area.

And where's the rope in relation to my hurtling body? Allow me. You are. Can we clear these of anyone but the three? Yeah, sure. We're going to be Alcine. Where are you at? Where's your mini?

There. And then we got TikTok. Here. This is the lip of this thing. We'll just call this the wind, right? Here's the rope. I'm going to scoot the rope all the way over here because, like, here's the door. But now these guys are here and you are right about here.

Oh, okay. Sliding that way. That's the edge? Got it. Can I do the same thing as before? Tie an arrow? Like when Dr. Ud was going down a similar thing, shoot an arrow with a rope to land in front of her

so she can grab it? Yep. We're going to call this a... Before we just did it as an arrow shot. What am I sliding on? Yeah, let's just do an arrow shot. Bottom? No, what is the mid-shot?. Bottom? Okay. No, I mean, what is

the material? Splintered wood. Oh, ouch. Your bottom on splintered wood. It's roughly splintered, but this part of the ship has been broken off, so it's not a clean break. This has been smashed off through some sort of collision, probably from the comet.

What'd you roll there, there Chris I rolled a 25 Dan fuck yeah so you see an arrow with a rope attached to it how seeing go and stick next to you why don't you make a dexterity saving throw to grab it okay well we had all that rope right I don't know did we use all you had more than enough

okay so I'm going to let you have that as a 20 snagged grabbed grabbed, saved. Beautiful. However, as you grab it. And then the Sarlacc thing comes out and grabs her by the ankle. And I'm only going to put you that 15 feet away because the magnificent rolls that both of you made,

it was like you were prepared for this moment. You still feel the shaking continuing to happen. It feels almost as if this thing is grabbing onto the side and climbing towards you. Like from down here? Maybe like right here. Let's go down, right? Let's go. Okay, let's do it. Let's go.

Yeah, let's do it. Descend. I am going to need an athletics check from you three. This is gonna suck. I got a 16. I got a 14. 19. So you make it down

just past the fog. You get down about 80 feet. And as soon as you get out of the fog, you hear the... Almost right where you came from. So your upstairs neighbor, the likely dragon, is now right at the edge, you think.

Jeez. This is not good. Keep going. Everybody do another athletics check, please. Oh, that's a 20. 23. Oh, he's now standing on the ledge in there.

I'm not sure what it feels like. We're going to do something fun in a second. Will you take those minis off and I'll adjust accordingly? 14. So you're all in the teens? Are we about to see a mini that our Patreon listeners paid for? Maybe So we're going to call that vertical shaft

the tall iceberg that you guys are descending Hey, shut your vertical mouth You make it down about another 80 to 100 feet You guys are now almost halfway down Horrifying You see a face appear. A face?

Yes. And then shoulders. Oh, it's a demon of some sort. And then tentacles. No, it's not a demon. It's a thing. And then wings. Oh, it's a Cthulhu of some sort.

You see what looks like it used to... Yeah, this thing is really corrupted and strange looking. In the letter it said the giant's gut. Very large. I'm going to ask you three to do a history check. Go ahead. No.

Dan, I believe an eight will do the trick. I'm proficient though. Do I get an though do I get a 15 you absolutely get advantage if you're proficient yeah 100% what'd you get again please I got a 15 very dumb you recognize this looks like it used

to be a phone is that what happened a blue dragon on the young side, but its flesh looks rotted away, and it's got what looks like ice crystals bursting out of its face and neck. The tentacles are growing out of a place you've never seen before. You guys notice there is a sort of glowing golden light coming from the flesh between the

spines of its wings and there is bloody gore on the claws of its wings. And here it is. Wait, what? I can't wait to see this so I can tell you what I think it is. Flavor crystals and

Oh my God. Jeez Louise, Dan. He looks like he's at Not Scary Farm. He looks like a giant bat. Yeah, black light. So he is one of those ants with a fungus in it. He's looking at you and crawling down. You're about halfway down the road.

Maybe he's friendly. It's funny because I would not describe that as a face. You know when you're like a face appears? It's like more of a ball. It looks like its teeth are smashed in. Its jaw looks broken. Did you paint that thing? I sure did.

Oh, wow. And it's coming for you. With house paint? The wings are great. I mean, all of it's great, but the wings are great. Well, thanks, buddy. I make the colors weird.

It's beautiful. Just like Thagas, because it's corrupted by magic exclusive to the Dirt Poker season play. Does the lawyer make you say it like that? Everybody roll initiative,

please. Not me and Ken, right? Nope. We're busy dying in the boat. That's right. 21. I also got a 21. Holy moly.

Two blackjacks. Pay the got a 21. Holy moly. Two blackjacks. Pay the man. 15. You kind of don't want to be first, though. This initiative roll brought to you by All Stuff Oreos. Shoot your pancreas out your asshole. What? All Stuff Oreos. The dragon got a 28 out your asshole. What? All stuff Oreos.

The dragon got a 28. Is that what it makes you do or is it filled with like liquefied pancreas? That's the bonus. No, it's just like the sugar just makes your pancreas go, I give up. What's all of your passive perceptions? Passive perception? He's an ad man, not a doctor.

Minus 14. I'm also a doctor. 13. What's your passive perception, Uid? You'm also a doctor. 13. What's your passive perception, Ewad? You still playing, Blaine? Yeah. What's your passive perception? Oh, sorry. He smiled at me real big when I asked if he was still playing, and then he stared.

My passive perception is 14. We're messing over here. You think you see the beginnings of a smile on its face as it uses its turn to advance quickly on you with a to do it likes us douche. It closes the distance. It is now about fifty feet away. That'll tick tock. What's your decks? My decks is eighteen blain. What's your decks? My dex is 16.

Great. Tick tock. You're up. I'm assuming hell scenes at the bottom of the rope. Yeah. So I can't. I had one thought that I could dash just to get really moving down, but I can't slam in. So instead, as we're.

Can I fire an arrow as we are descending? Uh huh. That's what I will do. I will shoot an arrow at this sumbitch. And you're going to go, you can go 30 feet down, or you can do something to speed up. But it's going to be an athletics check in addition to this to try to move because you're on what we will call difficult terrain.

Copy that. What, a rope? I definitely wouldn't fire the arrow. Flying will end this. Yeah, you're three versus one on a dragon climbing down a rope several hundred feet above a frozen ocean guys well as long as we get kind of low close to the water we won't do an athletics check or no i'm sorry do do the attack first and then i'll increase the difficulty of the athletics check because you're

attacking or holding on to the road that i think we all want me to... Oh, now I rolled a one, Dan, on my attack. Roll a 100, please. Not necessary. Just roll that same one 100 times. 14. All right. So... You fart.

Tick-tock. You go... And the arrow just flies off to the side. Now do an athletics check. That's better. 14. You managed to hold on to the rope and you can, as long as how scene makes it down,

descend 30 or feet down the rope. You're up. I'm between these guys, right? Or am I? No, you're at the top. I'm at the top can i uh throw a moon

beam behind me nice hmm yes yes then i'm gonna throw a moon beam behind me can you remind our listeners what a moon beam does it's a spotlight of uh moon beam uh silvery beam of pale light shines down at a five foot radius 40foot high cylinder centered on a point within range until the spell ends. Dim light fills the cylinder. When a creature enters the spell's area for the first time on a turn or starts its turn there, it's engulfed in ghostly flames that cause searing pain

and must make a constitution saving throw. 2d10 radiant damage on a failed save or half as much on a successful one. All right. Sorry about my decades, guys. I could maybe do it in the 50s, gosh. What was the saving throw again? Can you remind me?

I'm sorry, I missed it. Oh, must make a constitution saving throw. Cool. He gets a... Like America, am I right? Yeah. What's your spell save, DC? My spell save, DC.

On your spell page. Of all the running gags we do. Might be on the back here. Oh, 14. Oh, he got a 15. Boo! Oh, is that bad? 11 plus 4.

Oh, is that bad? What's 4. Oh, is that bad? What's it say? Is it half damage? What is it? Half damage. Okay, so roll your damage. 2d10. Six.

So three. That's great. You do three points of damage. And alert him to my presence, which is great. That guy's in trouble now. Oh, my wife's poor teeth. He continues to smile as he descends. Oh, shit.

Halcine, you're up. Oh, wait, I'm sorry. Athletics check from Dr. Urid. That would be a 20. So I'm going to do a crazy backflip and then floss. Please dab also. Yes, Halcine, I apologize apologize i don't dab anymore i floss can he see us through the fog he's uh he's uh past the fog he's stuck his head and shoulders

out if you remember his dramatic entrance out of the i saw his face but here he's like at the top but we're in the middle of that's correct there's more this extends another hundred feet or so past he's like half down yeah this is the best I can do with a vertical grid. Okay. Can I cast a spell and be sliding down the rope at the same time? Absolutely. Okay. So I'm going to cast bless.

I am a generous dungeon master. I'm a generous cleric who's blessing my friends. Sweet spell right now. Cool. Remind us buses. Bless is forties voice. Please, Sarah.

I'm not even going to attempt that. No, it's you in your 40s. You're hearing it. So whenever a target makes an attack roll or saving throw before the spell ends, so they are my targets for this, they can roll a d4 and add the number roll to the attack or saving throw. So every time you're making an attack roll or saving throw, you get to add a d4. How many people can you cast it on?

Up to three at first level. Do you cast on yourself attack roll or saving throw, you get to add. How many people can you cast it on? Up to three at first level. Do you cast on yourself too? You know, it never says that, so let's assume, I think last time we said I could, but I don't know. Sweet.

I feel like I'm willing to, even if I'm wrong on this, we'll just say for this game, yeah. I think please allow it. I'll allow it. So that's what I'm doing and I'm descending.

Athletics. Yeah. It's not for checks though, which is kind of. Which is what you're doing. Yeah, I know. 15, 14. Roll a mathletics check. Okay.

Gee, that's weird. One of my jokes didn't work. He gains on you pretty quick as he... He's within about 20 feet now. My jokes didn't work. He gains on you pretty quick as he did. And he's within about 20 feet now. He's just smiling. And how far are we from the water at this point?

Because we're burning our way down there. You are 160 feet from the ground. Okay. The ground or the water? From a shelf of ice above the water. That's where the rope stops? There's like, there's like a little bit

of a flat chunk of ice underneath. As we're going, can we see, so more, the bottom of our rope has pooled there? Or is that just-

A little bit, but it's almost more slid to the side because of all the wind. Okay. Okay. So it's almost like the rope goes like this but if we got to that shelf in theory i could visuals for the audio sorry so if we're if i'm if i finish repelling to draw your rope on here yeah sure if you want if i finish repelling all the way to the shelf could i with rope in hand run and drag it to the next level down you know drag it towards the shelf, could I, with rope in hand, run and drag it to the next level down? You know, drag

it towards the cliff so we'd have more rope hanging down over? Yes. Okay. I'm trying to picture it. Got it. Alright. Alright. Very good. Dan sitting down, brought to you by No Ikea. Swedish

build-it- yourself. Cell phones. You're up to talk. I'm going to I guess we're still doing the regular thing. Okay, so I'll do another 30 unless I would scream to everybody. Let's just move. I don't know what D&D talk is for everybody dash, but that would be my thought is like, let's all fucking dash. How big is the shelf? There's a,

it looks like a, it sticks out about five feet. I asked because I have a destroy water situation. So I was trying to figure out if it was enough to, if I cast it at second level. It's a situation spell. Yeah. Like 20 gallons of, that would have to be second level, but. Yeah. In fact. Situation spell. Yeah, like 20 gallons of...

That would have to be second level, but... Yeah, do it. Come on, what could it hurt? Dan is getting more stuff out of his bag, everybody. Getting water pieces. Oh, that's the actual physical shelf. Yeah. Cool.

I feel like it's too much, right? 20 gallons is not that much water it's like a third of those i've got two sitting out i could grab a third one and you could make a third one but i was gonna try to get rid of the ice so that we could just keep going straight you know i'm saying like that won't work it seems like it's too much what's the distance on it uh 30 feet yeah you're not close enough you You'd have to do it on the way down. Yeah, that's what I figured. But it's not going to work anyway.

Then I just want to know that now. Well, I mean, you could erase one of these if you wanted to go straight in the water. If you erase the one right beneath the rope, that would work, right? Yeah, that's it. Okay. All right, well, as we get closer, then.

Okay, so we're still deciding. Is there some, I don't know, in our language, can I scream to everybody, dash, so we can still deciding is there some i don't know in our language can i scream to everybody dash so we can get further away from this guy yes that's what i would i would say let's everybody dash now and start dashing okay what is dashing that's just going extra fast well basically it's trading in your attack for just you would use your action to potentially double your speed. Right. But I'm going to have you do an athletics check at disadvantage if you're doing this. Oh, Christ.

Now, this dragon is just flying, not on the rope. Correct. He is digging his claws into the sheer face of this iceberg. He's climbing down after us. Oh. But he's not flying. Nope. Hmm.

His wings are kind of tucked up on his back what a jerk yeah what a typical dragon although he wasn't sure what to expect when he came out of the fog so they were extended for a second and then he like because he because he thought he might have to fly okay so he's just he's crawling straight down the cliff face like like a cat down my leg yep okay you got it okay got it. Okay. And can I cast something right now or where are we in the line? TikTok still hasn't taken his action. Because I'm trying to get us all. I'm going to set the timer. Can we all start dashing or do people?

Yeah. I'm either going to attack and move 30 or we should all move 60. My instinct is we should get as close to the ground as possible. All right. So roll athletics with disadvantage. All right. But you know what I can do? If you're committing to doing this together.

I'm not going to do it. You're not going to dash? That's what I mean. She's beneath me. That's what I'm trying to say. We all have to be on the same page. He can go around me, right? On the road? He'll have to do acrobatics.

Well, he already is. Yeah, okay. So doing acrobatics? To get around Helsing. Okay, so I'll do that first. All right. Oh, that's a natural 20. So 24.

You managed to zip down, reach around Halcine, point your other hand underneath Halcine. I'm like, let's go. What was your athletics check, Sailor? Athletics, it was not good. It was eight. You kind of speed up and you go, and you realize you don't have much of an existing grip,

and you realize free fall is beginning to take over. Can I not fall as a bonus action? Is that a thing? Nope, your turn's over. Dr. Wood, you're up. I go like this. You see him do a magnificent hand over hand

to get past Halcine on the rope. And as soon as he gets underneath her, the rope is, it's in his hands, but he can't grab it. It's going too fast. And I'm coming down fast on Halcine. Uh-huh. You want to get around Halcine?

Acrobatics check. I'm trying to hold the stand. 18. All right. So you get around Halcine. Let's see that athletics check. Well, actually, are you trying to catch up to him on the rope?

Or what are you trying to do? I'm just trying to get around him, get around her. And once I can grab this thing, which is a 16, my athletics check. With disadvantage? What was the disadvantage?

If you're trying to speed, if you're trying to do double speed but i don't know what you're doing exactly well i just did the acrobatics thing where i grabbed the rope again so continue what you were going to do now that you see your buddy is free falling as i'm going to try to just slide down as fast as i can and roll roll that athletics check a second time and you have to take the lower number. That was the 14. Okay. So, yeah, you almost catch up to him, but he's sped up because he lost control.

Okay. Is that my turn? He is about, TikTok, five feet out of reach if you were going like this. That is Dr. E It was entire turn. How seen you're up. Both of these goofballs are now beneath you. Okay. I'm going to cast gust of wind at the smiling face thing.

Uh-huh. It is a dragon. All right. I'm not going to, I mean, etymology, etymologically, etymologically.

I tried to get fancy sounding and boy, it didn't go great. Etymomaly. Oh, my God. He's covered in soybeans and salt. So I'm going to cast Gust of Wind. That'd be good. I could go for some Etymomaly. That means that a line of strong wind, 60 feet long and 10 feet wide,

will blast from me in a direction I choose. Guess what direction I choose. Each creature that starts a turn in the line must succeed on a strength saving throw. So that's the first thing that it has to do. That seems like a spell you could also use to land. I was wondering that too. 14, what did it need?

Spell save DC. 13. Although, does my bless affect this is it a spell attack does it does bless spell attacks because this is a spell attack um well it's attack so yeah right for sure yeah okay sorry everybody listening if you disagree um we'll hear about it start a petition and rewrite it so he fails yeah because it's not a spell attack though it's a because spell attack would be me attacking him not uh but you are attacking him no it's a he has to have he has a saving throw right a strength saving throw specifically oh

yeah that's not that's not the same never Okay. So he made his strength saving throw? Yes. Okay, that's fine. He doesn't get pushed away, but he must spend two feet of movement for every one foot that it wants to move. So you've halved his speed. Correct. Nice.

That's great. That is because he was right about to be on top of you. Give us kisses. Yeah. So you said before I could also be descending and casting a spell, so I guess I would also be doing that then.

So roll your athletics check, please. Yikes. Four. You also begin to free fall and you knock into Dr. Uid. Dr. Uid, please do a dexterity saving throw. Oh, God.

No. I refuse. Okay, so this is all going to be a big tumble tumble party now, I think, because I rolled a four with my wall is seven. Yeah, you got to meet yet some really good roles coming up before this to talk to a dexterity saving throw. No problem. Was that a saving throw that he just rolled? Did he remember to add his D4? Did you roll your one D4 on top of it? Oh, yeah, you should add your D4.

I have not been adding mine, by the way. I don't know if that helps. I forgot. The only saving throw is not checks. I know it might only be a no plus one, but... Plus a three, so 7-10. 10? Yeah.

Okay, you managed to actually brace yourself. Hal seen you slamming him. you get to do a dexterity saving throw to try to grab thank you for that bless good bless there you go so yeah so 16 plus I remember 20 Brian now roll one

not grabbing a rope yeah sorry actually 22 now roll what a one character to. Okay, so you take I'm trying to remember what order everybody is in. Doctor Doctor Uid is

I'm in the middle now middle now. You take two points of damage as Hal seen bops into you. Okay, when she loses control, but you both managed to regrab the rope. Unfortunately, I tick tack tac you see them collide um they're now about even with your fingers okay just almost because of the the them going like uh what do you call it like a ball like like pool

ball pool pool cue balls okay yeah they've kind of bucked down've kind of yeah um so you're gonna all you're like oh god um but you the rope is free fall in your hands the dragon is now going to attempt to push through and reach halcyon i don't think he should um halcyon you suddenly

see a dragon's face right up against you as it uses its action to double its speed and cancel because it's been doubling its speed the whole time and it was going to catch it but it only had 20 feet so uh it uh you see its face it is yeah it is it is like right in your face. How high am I from the ice shelf? You guys are now. A hundred and ten feet above the ice. I'm not even there.

Ken and Kweep have a fight waiting for them to. This is delightful. So that brings us to tick tock uh all right so i can grab the rope is that an option it is but the dc is getting rough so my other thought is i have these two hand axes could i yes chomp them into the ice to try and stop my descent that's that so it would be an individual attack for each one um We're going to call this a survival check. Okay. Or no, this is a strength because you're able to grab it,

but you've got to be able to brace yourself as the full weight of your body falling. Strength check or strength saving throw? Digs in your axe. Check. Check. And then can I add a d4 to that? Oh, wait.

No, this is a saving throw because it's sort of being done to you by gravity. I'll give you advantage on it. Give advantage. Okay. But do I get to add her blessing to it? Yes. Okay.

So I get advantage. I'll roll that again. That's much better. And I'll add that. That didn't go in the thing. Okay. So it's 20. It's a check or a saving throw?

Saving throw. So it's a total of 25. Wow. All right. You 25. Wow. All right. You stop. You're about five feet under them. You look up as you plant both your hand axes in, and you see five feet above you,

Halcine and Dr. Uwud. Halcine is on top, and she is face to face with the dragon. Jesus Christ. I'm assuming that's my action, right? Uh-huh. I'm not holding on to the rope, right? I'm going to hold on to my axis?

Correct. Fuck, okay. I guess the next step would be... Something to think about. Hey, Dr. Ewig, you're up. I guess I'm going to have to keep going down the rope because uh because you're off the rope now right i'm just gonna keep you can sail past him if you want i gotta go sorry i'll come back for you are you gonna dash it i think so yeah all right so

you're using your actual double speed uh let's do that athletics check with disadvantage that's how i do all my athletics checks you should see him do sit-ups in the morning yeah you wouldn't uh 11 plus 3 is 14 plus 1 is 15. great okay so uh you managed to sail past tick tock you are now about a hundred and no no not a hundred you you you finish uh you break the hundred so you're now oh god why won't math work you said we were at 110 before right right so you're at about 50 feet above the highest shelf that's's good. Yeah, it's very good. Halcyon, you're up. It is just like broken jaw, cock to the side,

grinning, horrible glowing gold in its eyes. Somebody help her. Who else is right there? Are you already gone, TikTok? I've already gone. Yeah, it's my turn. So I guess I'm just gonna try to um slide down very fast great um and the gust of wind should still be going so okay athletics

with disadvantage oh oh is that a 20 and a two no what's with the three uh five total uh oh my god this is uh do a dexterity saving throw as you lose the rope nice so that's that's yeah net plus so that's 25 good news is you get to 60 feet above sea level. Oh, sea level now? I'm sorry. 60 feet above the shelf. The sea.

There's ocean right under that shelf. Right. Bad news. Dr. Ud, please do a dexterity saving throw as Halcine slams in your head. Oh, God. I thought he was at 50 feet. You get to add the D4.

Yeah, she caught up to him and hit him in the head. Does he get to add the blast to that? Yes. So you get to add the D4. She caught up to him and hit him in the head. Does he get to add the blast to that? Yes. So you get to add a D4 to that plane. 14, 17. Great. You managed to brace yourself. You take another, we'll say, just another two points of damage

as you get hit in the head again. Yeah. By goofy-ass Helsene. Yeah, this head. Who seems, honestly, to be enjoying cracking you in the head uh all right excuse me while i just single-handedly fight this dragon up here and then maybe slide down and bonk you in the head uh and he once again uh he this he's losing a little bit of ground on you though because of how far you fell so he's now 10 feet away but he's like shaking his head smiling I smile at him and I make flames

dance in my eyes with my thaumaturgy I know it's not your turn and this is sorry I know you can't no it's fine do you want to drag it dies do an intimidation check yeah this is for fun why would I not do that

20 I feel like I feel like this deserves it will you roll 100 too? yes come on when you make exceptions for shit you got to treat it right so great

love it 80 what? all right let me I haven't used it in a long time I have a crit table so hold on

let me pull that up hey Blaine what was this crit table brought to us by? oh you know I don't think we have any sponsors. I was busy this weekend. I went to Palladino's.

Oh, my God. Were there any good bands there? Yeah, I saw A Dog's Journey. And they were great. Their encore was Lovin', Pettin', Sniffin'. There was not a dry nose in the house. There was a bunch of great bands, too, with him. REO Chuckwagon, Old Dirty Yeller, Joe Cocker Spaniels, Flea.

Well, he was there because he was playing with Clifford the Big Red Hot Chili Peppers. Terrific. Dear Jesus. Okay, so. Okay, I'll be now thanks blaine sure thank god i had that ready you you look you you lock eyes with him and flames dance in your eyes and you know exactly what you're doing you've done this to intimidate people before and though he is plowing ahead and grinning and shaking his head, suddenly you see him recognize the change in your eyes. And for some reason, deep, deep in his soul, he is shaken.

And he actually loses another 10 feet as he scrambles backwards in surprise. He immediately checks himself and scowl wrecks himself yeah he um he onyxes it up although he is not a black dragon but wrong is it onyx is uh is slammed let the boys be boys yes chickadee check yourself before you wreck yourself who's that dos effects oh damn it 90seties rap. So cube also. Hey cashiers, check yourself before you cashiers wreck yourself. It's a lot easier, but yeah, he's mad

now. Game recognizes game and he and tick tock is up. All right. Can I get back onto the rope and start yes dashing down to it behind my pals? Yes. Athletics. Yes, but you cannot do a speed because you're using your action to yank your axis out of the ice going down.

You're just going down athletics. So roll that you think I'd remember. Twenty three. Great. You make it. So you're 80 feet above the ice shelf. Dr. Would rep.

I'm still down on the rope, right? I'm just going to keep going. Okay, that's it. You're going to keep going. Okay. That's it. You're going to potentially hit the ice shelf. So do a athletics check with disadvantage. How about a one?

Well, what's your bonus? It doesn't matter. Natural one sucks ass. So you are going to now need to do a dexterity saving throw as you slam into the ice shelf you the the rope completely slips from your hand and you are going to 60 feet of free fall is a couple of it's like it's you know third floor office building roof uh okay well i rolled a 19 oh okay so you're to take half damage. I'm going to do... Can I do something?

Yes, as I prep the damage. I was going to turn into a bird. What? How long have you been able to do that? Fuck yeah. What do you have to roll to do this? This whole time? You didn't tell Sam?

I can change. Okay. What kind of bird? An eagle. I think I can change into like... Suddenly Dr. Ewood turns into an eagle. A green eagle. I feel like this could have been so...

Wow. Flies under the feet. Guys, at the far end of the table, Sam just came to life. The reason I didn't turn into a bird was because I don't think I'm strong enough to carry anyone and I didn't want to be by myself.

That's really sweet. I didn't want to be by myself. That's really sweet. I didn't want to leave anybody behind as I weave my way around you on the way down a rope and say goodbye. Awesome. So that'll bring us to Halcine. Cool reveal, though. Okay, so he's a bird.

You guys, these damage dice, they're all warm for Halcine. What are you doing? So he's been safe this whole time. So he's a bird. He's a bird too. This guy, I know, but he's not here. This guy is, in relation to the ice shelf, he's there.

He's on the ice shelf. No, I'm above you. Yeah, no, that's what I'm saying. I'm below him, right? So he's not on the ice shelf. No, I'm not. This is where I'm confused. He's above you now, yes.

I'm sorry. Because you fell. He's 20 feet above you. He had to brace himself when he free fell with his axe. And how far am I from the shelf? 60. 60 feet. And is my gust of wind still going?

Yes. Okay. And how wide is the ice shelf? Pretty big. I mean, it looks like it goes in sort of a circle. And there's a lip that goes at least 40 feet in either direction. I guess my question is, if i direct the gust of wind at the wall thus blowing myself out on the rope away from the wall would i be able to like

american ninja warrior like then leap off of the rope and miss the ice shelf and land in the water yes i'm gonna do it okay this sounds like a straight up acrobatics check let's kick ass fucking extreme well it's gonna be funny what about the d4 do you get to add to that it's a check not yeah um so that's a uh what'd you say acrobatics it's an eight okay so you don't pull it off uh time for constitution saving throw as you land in the water oh i was trying to land in the water so uh yeah but but you're comfortably but you belly flop into the water yeah i did it one of those ones online where everybody around you goes oh mom watch mom mom watch mom mom it's 60 feet so it's not like you're gonna take like

yeah but you know it's 17 so it looks awkward as hell you just kind of like end up turning upside down as you hit the water and uh you don't take any damage when you hit it right away you brace yourself you're ready i have a water breathing amulet on yeah and you're ready but um oh dear lord it feels like knives it feels if i may uh like pinhead from hellraiser and uh it's not funny when i say it but uh the the fact that you're in this water immediately just raises an alarm in your head like this is not just about holding your breath but it is deadly deadly and on note, I think we are going to have to pick up on the boat next episode. This is what happens when we split the party. I'm sorry, guys, but I wanted to.

That's all right. Hey, Sam, what do you think happened during episode 20 there? Well, if you're just joining us, these are my notes. All right. Episode 20. This is a lot of talking about rope. We hear some big flapping wings. It's not good.

17 minutes in, still talking rope. There's some serious wind and fog going on, and something big is climbing towards us. Oh, that something big is a goddamn tentacle dragon. We're casting moonbeams and blasts and mathletics. 39 minutes in, nobody's made a push and rope joke, which is surprising. There's a shelf of ice below us and we're gonna dash towards it

tick tock is losing his grip i swear to god if he's hurt i'll kill myself we're casting wind and falling down the rope the dragon is right in sarah's face like she's at a club in hollywood tick tock tick tock is trying to save himself by using his axes. I cannot believe nobody's made a Stallone and Cliffhanger reference. Everybody's continually falling down this rope. Blaine is a bird. Sarah's going to flip and do some extreme shit. She did and landed in the pain water.

Nice job. It's called La Croix. Hey, Brian and Ken, what do you think happened this episode? That. Sounds good. Thanks to our Patreon sponsors and also to

our listeners, our other listeners. Thanks for listening. And our viewers a couple weeks ago. Oh, yeah. We're going to do more of that. We're talking about figuring out some way. Also our feelers, smellers, and tasters. Everybody wants to see us. It's only 10 times the tech preparation.

That's all. I'll be at Flappers in June if you're in the LA area. Headlining all weekend. I'm on that website. You can figure it out. I'm closing up all the dress barns on the East Coast. That was you? The dress barn competitor, Frock Bucket.

Oh, man, Frock Bucket was my English professor. Thanks for listening. Thanks for listening to another episode of Nerd Poker. You can follow us at patreon.com slash nerdpoker, and you get bonus episodes from there. patreon.com slash nerdpoker and you get bonus episodes from there and you can also send us anything at

P.O. Box 16069 Encino, California 91416 Thanks for listening.