Nerd Poker - Episode 20 - Riddle of Cowardice

Episode Date: August 30, 2017

This week our adventurererers emerge from the mists and discover a little bit about themselves, as well as a small building that Dan may or may not have bullied them into exploring. Will our heroes learn a little too much about Jolly Ranchers? Will they learn too much about Goggo's fetishes? Only time will tell.

Hey everyone, it's Brian, and Ken, and Dan, and Blaine. We love giving you somewhere to not think about the real world, but this week the real world has been really rough for some people, and they need more than a podcast. If you have anything you can donate to the people of Texas in the wake of Hurricane Harvey, we really want to encourage you to. If you haven't heard of them, we really like Team Rubicon, a nonprofit that turns combat veterans into crisis first responders. These guys are true warriors for good, and you can help them out by visiting and donating at TeamRubiconUSA.org. That's TeamRubicon.org. B-I-C-O-N dot org.

O-R-G. Org. Oh, thanks. We're also big fans of the Houston Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals. They're saving animals

all over the Houston area, and you can help them out by visiting and donating at HoustonSPCA.org. That's HoustonSPCA.org. How do you spell it? Org, Blaine? Uh, S-P-C-A. No. Thanks, guys. Now, here's our podcast. Hey, it's Brian Poussaint.

I used to have a podcast where I played Dungeons & Dragons with a bunch of my friends. I missed it, so I decided to make a new one. It's called Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker. It's myself, a couple of my buddies, Blank and Patch, Dan Telfer, Ken Daly, an occasional guest or two, and we're going to be playing in a new setting, my dining room. Each week you'll hear my wife, my son, my dogs, and we're going to be playing in a place that I love and playing the game that I've loved half my life, Dungeons & Dragons.

We've got fifth edition, and we're ready. So are you ready? Here's Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker. Hey, everybody. It's Brian Poussaint, and you're listening to Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker. No. Thanks for making a funny face, Ken,

and making me laugh. That's Ken. Nope. Dan. Hi, it's me's me Dan And Blaine Hi I don't have a funny shirt on Oh I do My shirt's not funny it says Rush

I'm the only one wearing a cheap I guess I should have said I don't have anything on my shirt It's a dinosaur playing a game of Asteroids I don't have any tattoos Is this the new thing? I don't have tattoos I did my laundry the new thing? I don't have tattoos. I did my laundry today, and I got out an old shirt that I liked, and it was a little too dingy to wear, and it bummed me out

because I have to put it down. Plain black teacup. You put down a shirt today? You put down a shirt? Yeah. Is it a logo shirt? It's a shirt I got from Mary's Club in Portland. Did you gain half a pound?

Yeah, I tore the seams out. Yeah, I used to be a doctor about that. I got puffed out. I ate a cookie. You could cut out whatever was burning on it and save it. You ate a cookie. Just because you love it. I think I might just get a different shirt.

It's not the same one, though. Picture me in the Indian Ocean with it. Whoa. So it's like, you know, that Moe looking at the pictures of him with the crystal. Ah, I should have cheaped out on the shelves. Oh, no, it was him with the pickle jar. It was him with the hard-boiled eggs. That was the jar.

Oh, I didn't take more pictures. Nostalgic for eggs. Let's just do Simpsons quotes out of context for it. Tastes like burning. I bent my Kashuk creature. What? The planet Kashuk.

It's where the Wookiees are. I bent my Wookiee. Oh, God. See, it's not a funny joke. I don't make those It's too prequel-y for me Is that what it was? I've originally learned about that in like novel expanded universes

Not from prequels I don't do EU I believe that was originally in the Star Wars Holiday Special I don't know if they say Kashuk though You might pronounce it Kashik Or like Harvey Korman probably called it like Kashuk Maybe they just say it in Wookiee in the first half hour.

Oh, God, that first half hour of just pantomime. That's hard to watch. I challenge you to watch it. The first time anyone watches it is some kind of nerd endurance. It's a real Ludovico. I love young nerds that had no idea it

existed for a long time. Now everybody knows about it. There's a Star Wars thing I've never seen. It's great because Ludovico. I love young nerds that had no idea it existed for a long time. Now everybody knows about it. There's a Star Wars thing I've never seen. It's great because it's technically canon. Like George Lucas has said many times that he isn't a fan, but it counts as canon and everything, and it really happens. First appearance of Boba Fett. Yeah, where Boba Fett's in like white armor. Before the special editions.

He looks like a stormtrooper with like a red chunk. Before he was a clone with an accent. Yeah, before they redubbed him just to match Tamura Morrison. I think the thing that we learned in that special is it doesn't matter what galaxy you're in, what time it is, if it's now, if it's far, if it's long ago,

it's far away, Christ is there. They celebrate Life Day. And cocaine's a hell of a drug. Yeah, but you know, I'm just saying. Life is... He's risen, Brian. You understand.

They're wasted. Carrie Fisher. Carrie Fisher does not want to be there, and she's hammered. I know Peter. She wanted to be there eventually. Just like most holidays that I've been to There's always somebody Carrie Fisher in it

Anthony Daniels usually had a couple of groupies in that suit with him There's room in that faceplate Let's play a game but first I want to congratulate Oh yeah, congratulate some people And we made it to 1,000.

I'll stop stepping on you. Please step on me when I'm not telling jokes. That's the priority, as it were. Comedy podcast, if you're listening for Dungeons & Dragons. Gameplay, may I recommend you look at the dice that roll inside my rectum. But we reached 1,000 patrons. Oh, wait. Sorry.

Wrong setup. That's what that weird clattering noise is every time I go to the bathroom. That's what a lesser known H.P. Lovecraft noise is. Rectum, I thought you said King Kong's balls. Polyhedronum. Ladies and gentlemen, we have reached

1,000 Patreon supporters which makes us very grateful. We get to look at our Patreon page with no shame, but with excitement and joy as the number continues to tick up. We've got to think of some cool things to offer for when we hit 2,000 Patreons.

I'll blow everybody. Whoa! Just us. In this room. We'll do a live stream of me, Wayne, and Engineer Sam. It'll just be a lot of mouth noise. No one will ever hear this again.

The listener doesn't really get anything from it. Why are you taking that gun out and placing it on the table? Other than just knowing it happened. We've already got a bunch of bonus stuff that's not even on the Patreon website of what we're going to cook up for you guys. But once September ticks around, we're going to be paying this off Magnum style. And in the meantime, hey, thank you to some individual Patreon supporters, such as Jordy Licht.

Thanks, Jordy. Jordy Licht. Thank you, Jordy Licht. Thank you, Kaylee McPh you Jordy thank you Kaylee McPhail thank you Kaylee McPhail that's a great name

it is it's with a ph it's a cool kind of fail yeah it's very thank you Brittany Goldsmith she part of the McPhail army

thank you Brittany Goldsmith thanks Brittany thank you Tom Beers nice last name Tom thanks Tom Beers Beers

I'm assuming South African I'm just gonna go I'm just gonna start making assumptions Beers. Nice last name, Tom. Thanks, Tom. Beers. Beers. I'm assuming South African. I'm just going to go. I'm just going to start making assumptions about people. People are Southern. Go next. Thank you, Paige Branson. Boston.

Paige Branson, a fantastic illustrator. Favorite cocktail. Manhattan. You know, I remember going to Paige branson to see the osmonds because uh i tried to see yakov smirnoff but he was closed page did some uh season one nerd poker art if i'm not mistaken branson people come see no never mind let's do one more let's do one more Give me a number between 1 and 1015. 962. 666. The number of the beach.

Let's do 666. Thank you, Nancy Tomaszewski. Enjoy Satan, Nancy. Hail Satan, Nancy. Hail Nancy. Hail Satan and Nancy. Thanks, Nancy. What happened last time was you guys. Thanks, everybody, you guys.

Yeah, hey, thanks, everybody. Thanks for listening. Even if you're listening for free, thanks for just being here in the same old place. Thanks for having ears and not being an asshole. Thanks for having assholes and not being ears. Thanks for having those two extra assholes on the side of your head.

Oh, man. Man, imagine that. That'd be fucked up, man. I know a lot of nerds were shitting on Ed Sheerhan for being on Game of Thrones. I don't know. Did we talk about it

a couple weeks ago? Not on the air, but people made that mad. Oh, people were furious. About what? That guy, a very popular pretty boy in their dragon show. It's funny how you said pretty boy. He's a real pretty boy in their dragon show

it's funny how you said pretty boy he's a real pretty boy I don't think he's that overly handsome he's the red-headed dude that hangs out with Taylor Swift he looks like a nerdy guy that would win American Idol if you're the voice of an angel you're not overweight and you're under 30 you're pretty

wait and this was on Game of Thrones nobody stuck out to me not knowing who this is. So why was there a freak out? He sang good. Yeah, he sang in the episode. In the episode? Yeah.

Yeah. And he's a professional singer, so it made sense. Okay. What I have to add to it is I did not care when it happened. Yeah, I clearly didn't care because I didn't even notice it. I forgot he was in it. He stood out a little bit. Oh, I clearly didn't care because I didn't even notice it. I forgot he was in it. He stood out a little bit. Oh, I think that said Sheeran.

I had heard that he was in it because I know people were mad before it happened, of course. Some people don't have an attractive spouse. I don't get that angry anymore. I still have some nerd rage in me, but it's misdirected. me but it's it's misdirected but uh but so so anyway then today i'm where was i uh oh picking up my dogs uh as you'll see mavis and uh and uh licky oh yeah very licky's got they're always beautiful but they're extra pretty today they just came from the groomer i smell nice and they were playing this really shitty song that sounds like something, take a look at my body.

Do you like my body? I want to touch your body. I don't know. It's so bad. And they say body a lot. And it just sounds like bad R&B, but like Starbucks R&B, just coffee shop shitty. And what it really sounds like is like a bunch of producers were getting wasted

in a studio and somebody goes hey have you ever heard the worst uh song in the world uh that uh that fucking john mayer piece of shit um your body is a wonderland you know that one and they all listen to it and go yeah that's really shitty and then one guy goes i think i can beat it and that's how this song was made and so i've heard it in the last couple of months everywhere uh that's not my car stereo but like in you know when i walk outside and other people are listening to shitty music i hear it this is one of the songs they hear the most and so today i hey, to the girl working there, who is this, by the way? And she goes, oh, that's Ed Sheeran.

And now I fucking hate Ed Sheeran. I get it. I fucking hate him. That is the worst fucking song. The one I hate is Shawn Mendes. Oh, yeah. I was in an Uber, and I never even heard of him. He does that song, Stitches.

He's gonna kiss this. Stitches He kisses Stitches Sorry everybody I know we gotta do a show It's nerd related It came from Game of Thrones Originally dragons were involved Alright So you guys

We'll go five minutes over. I've had actually, speaking of which, I've had a lot of I hate Rachmaninoff. I've had a lot of people on Twitter get mad at me because I'll end, I'll be

like, I'll see the sign from our friend Sam over there that we've got five minutes left and I'll panic and I'll end the episode as soon as possible when it's like in the middle of combat. So I'm shitty DM part two you guys. I'm mini shitty DM. I'm still

figuring out the best way to both please you and piss you off in equal measure. So if I do it, it's on purpose. I'm trying to make you angry. Deal with it. What's the problem? Oh, you know.

Nobody wraps it up too quick. You'll be like 90% of the way into killing a monster, and no one knows if you're 90% or 10% of the way in, and I'll just end the episode. You've got to listen next week. It makes you excited to listen next week. I think what I need to do is I need to gouge people a little more. Yeah, okay. Like, you know, think what I need to do is I need to gouge people a little more. Yeah, okay.

Like, you know, like I either need to wrap it up appropriately or if I'm going to be a cliffhanger, I need to be like more done, done, done. More like here's me flicking you in the balls on purpose. So what happened in episode 19? I wasn't here for that one. No, you weren't. You slept. And then you woke up and it was episode 20.

Happy episode 20. That's a big number we are exiting some mists you guys just went through a mountain pass you took the spooky path as opposed to the scary path uh i was here you were you were here you made it good good but it was a super late recording and i was surprised we all stayed awake through it it was like 11 when we started oh yeah um and uh so you yeah you guys made it through a lot of wandering through the mists on your steeds that you borrowed from count barris which are sort of uh where reindeer uh and um yeah you made really good time you made it really far you only had to stop and sleep i think twice or maybe even once because you were just booking through this mountain pass you killed a specter you killed a a uh it's a drake skeleton it was some sort of it wasn't quite a dragon or a wyvern it was more serpentine it was yeah it was was more of a serpent with short legs than a dragon proper.

But it flew and then landed and chased. Yeah, it was a big old bus-sized skink that chased you through the fog for a while. A skink. But you ran from it for so long that by the time you finally fought it, you'd broken through the edge of the mist. And you're finally somewhere here along the edge near the forest of the wood elves got it move in take the shot you guys are trying to recruit a population of unknown size of wood elves to into helping you and what i want to do because you kind of bobbed and weaved through this mist a lot is uh roll the dice to see how far east or west you landed.

So I'm going to roll for how well they traveled, the steeds. So I'm going to do like a compass roll for them. Okay. And then I'm going to add up your three rolls, and that's going to be how far. On a 20? How close, yeah, how close you guys get to the, basically the closest to the wood elves.

Okay. The steeds are botched. So they got a one. So this is going to be completely dependent on your rolls. I got a nine. I got a 12. I'm rolling a 20. Yep.

A 12 and nine. What do I want? High? Yeah, high. When do you want it? Now. Nice. Yeah. Hi. When do you want it? Now. Nice. So you guys,

um, because the steeds got lost, you're going to go really far East, but you made it all the way out of the mist. You're not backed up. There's not much more journeying to do. So I'll point you, you kind of look back at the mist.

You can see the mountain and you're about here where the little magnifying glasses. Okay. Got it. Okay. Got it. You kind of look back at the mist. You can see the mountain. And you're about here where the little magnifying glass is. Okay. Got it. Okay. Got it. Kind of the bottom middle of the map. The wood elves, as was gestured to you by...

Wood elves. You know are sort of... Heronics. Breaking the trees. One of the lackeys of Comberis pointed to this map for you and said, Here's where you want to go for the wood elves. Yeah. The wood elves.

See this little break in the trees? You know that's where the best place to enter the forest is. You're just a little bit east of there. All righty. Can we rest? You might want to. You just got screwed up. Can you throw up your resting tent?

Yes, of course. Tianaman's tiny hut. course Tiananmen's tiny hut Yeah, Tiananmen's tiny hut It's a tent for the tank It's an unforgettable picture The strength of just one person Can really stop an entire empire, can't it? But yeah

You shared Tom? Yeah I'm sorry, Tom? Yeah, what's up? You shared a little bit of your blood with your steed, right? Yeah. I'm sorry, Tom? Yeah, what's up? You shared a little bit of your blood with your steed, right? Yeah, that's true. How do you feel about that?

I just want to hear Tom talk. I'm just trying to bait you into saying something about what I meant to. I feel good about it. I feel like we're really connected now. We're real close. All right, so. Like my steed is family. There you go.

That's what I was hoping and praying for. But yeah, he took a lot of damage, so he's grateful. And when you guys hop off your steeds, they actually start running around looking for meat. Can you heal them? They're not really interested. Oh, yeah, you probably can't because they're undead or something. Tui tried to heal one of them.

They're not undead. They're just weird. Tui tried to heal one of them, and it kind of didn't go that well. So you trust that when they sort of scamper around, they're just looking for a squirrel to bite in half, and they'll be fine. Sure. Life is just waiting for that perfect squirrel to gnaw on.

Because you know what? When you think about squirrels are just made of delicious nuts it tastes like delicious nuts yeah like if they're oh i love them you get the older ones that taste like hazelnuts i love flying and uh just having having hot nuts in your in your mouth warm nuts in your mouth. That's what I say. Eat them up for you. Yeah. Give them a good working in the back room.

Hey, that reminds me of your five guys. You guys ever work at a hot dog place? Does Brian have a five eyes bit? Five guys. Can I just say this in all seriousness? I saw that. Yeah, I tweeted it. On Sunday, my kid and I always go to Five Guys on Sunday.

And I was just sick of it. I was like, if I have another burger, I'm going to have nine heart attacks. Instead, I'll get a hot dog. That'll be better. I never had a hot dog at Five Guys. It was the best hot dog I've ever had in my life. It was fucking amazing. What was so great about it? It was just good.

Is it grilled? They cut it in half and grill it. Nice. Yeah, that's good. You've got to grill a hot dog. If you know how... half and grill it. Nice. Yeah, that's good. You've got to grill a hot dog. If you know how... Split and grill. If this makes sense, it's like if a Five Guys burger was a hot dog.

Right. That's how good it is. So they smashed it with their fists? Fucking amazing. Yeah. I'm a vegetarian. I can't imagine what you're talking about. The bread's delicious.

Yeah, the bun is delicious. It's a good quality, yeah. It's a fucking amazing quality burger there. Have you heard of Ripper? No. A Ripper. It's a good quality, yeah. It's a fucking amazing quality burger there. Have you heard of Ripper? No. A Ripper. It's a fried hot dog. Where do you get that?

There's a place called Fab's on Cedar or something. It's out here in the valley. Only in LA can you go from the subject of grilling meat to a place called Fab's. I'm going to live forever. It's a special kind of hot dog. You know what you got to do to that meat? You got to slap it on some red hot iron to get it all nice and toasted.

The real good place to do that is a place called Kitsipai. Kitsipai Grilled Meats. Well, if it was Portland, it would have some dumb pun or some kind of wordplay thing happening. Like grill these nuts? Yeah.

They'd probably be in food truck form. Like, I'm gonna let you finish, and they sell omelets. We heard that story. So why don't you guys plot out your rest? First, let me give you a quick description. You see there's almost a well-defined whipping around of the mists behind you. You can see where it starts now. You don't see anything in it except for the pile of drake bones that you left behind you.

There's definitely a forest on the horizon. You feel like it would only take maybe an hour on these steeds to get their tops. They could probably trot there even faster than that. And really far to the east, you think you see smoke from a chimney. Smoke of a distant chimney. To the east.

Yes. Yes, farther that way. Oh, we don't want to go that way. No, we want to go in here. Unless you want to see the smoke of the chimney. I don't care. That's what this podcast is like as a dungeon master. It's like, okay, how do I get a fun, compartmentalized, one-hour adventure,

a longer adventure, and also some things that I can write a bunch about that you'll completely ignore. Well, no, maybe we should check it out. That's no pressure. I'm definitely not a whiny DM. I just want to make it clear. What are you guys? This whole island you can just fuck around on.

There's all sorts of weird mini bosses hiding around. It's kind of like where Crash Bandicoot lives. You can kind of like, if you can unlock the god mode, you can just walk away. Well, we are going to heal first. Yeah, we're going to find a place to bed down. I know Tom took a beating from the specter. He's got some necrotic damage. He's got to rest up.

I'm down. Oh, I'm down quite a bit. Yeah, you also's got some necrotic damage. He's got to rest up. Oh, I'm down quite a bit. Yeah, you also got fucked up by the Drake. Yeah, let's heal. You did an amazing backflip onto the back of that thing's neck last episode. There was some crazy dice rolling. I re-listened to 19 this morning and

you guys encountered a hook horror type monster that double botched Brian rolled like 420s in the episode it was nuts 420 get it no I don't get it it's a lot of 20s

oh take it away boys 29 points down so let's find a spot. Blaine, if you rest, you can also study. You've got a special spell that you're slowly winning. I've got the Song of Rest

and I've also got the Song of Frigerating. It's two little songs that help you sleep. You notice when you throw up the hut that the steeds don't join you, but they're still sort of in visual range. They're not like one way or anything. Yeah, I can't expect them to join us.

Sorry, I'm looking up the... Oh, you know, I do have a cure wounds. Let me look up my cure wounds. And yeah, you can study your final countdown custom spell. You've also got a... I think I may have mentioned this already, but that's like my favorite thing of Arrested Development is Will Arnett and his

magic shows that start with the final countdown. So... 5d8. Go for it. I found an old bag of all my colored dice. Yeah, those are beautiful. I found an old bag of all my colored dice. Yeah, those are beautiful. I love translucent dice.

Eight. Wait. Fifteen. Twenty-one. There you go. Jack. Twenty-one points for Brian. I'm going to look up the Song of Rest.

So it's going to take a while. I can't read. Cool. You've also got a spell you haven't even peeked at that's a strange language where if you were to sit and study it for a while you might be able to crack what it is exactly hit hit jesus christ all three of you well you know what i i put too much into this adventure so i'm just gonna keep reminding you of all the dull things in your back pocket you've each got a book that you haven't cracked open that you stole from Count Barriss' castle.

I have the eagle book. Yes. You need someone to crack it. You have no idea what's going on in the spell book. You take one look at it and your eyes cross. I have a warlock spell too. I have a spell book. What spell book do you have

I'm going to say here it is I can't read it you guys are going to have to take like 8 hours of non-healing rest to go through all your stuff if you really want to study it you know I'm not down too many hit points so I'm going to heal these guys up and then just start relearning all my spells

and I'll tackle all this stuff cool hey Tom what's on your t-shirt up and then just start relearning all my spells and I'll tackle all this stuff cool hey Tom what's on your t-shirt that's a chop top what's he from this right a Texas Chainsaw 2 yeah is that your favorite Texas Chainsaw that is truly my favorite yeah Bill Moseley's great. Taking a hangover with a lighter, eating his scabs on his head. Yeah, he's crazy. He's got some cool shit.

You know, we got some backstory for Tom, but we don't have a lot for Bodie or Tweed. Hey, Bodie, where are you from exactly? I hate you. You're extreme, and you're like a surfer kind of. Are you from Colorado? Are you from a beach town? I feel like he's a half orc, kind of just hangs out in caves on the beach

and just goes spearfishing and robs banks. I don't know what it's called, but when you're doing something exciting, I like the way that feels. Do you ever hurt yourself? I like to do things that make my excitement that I'm feeling feel good from running and jumping and hitting and flying and surfing. So you're a squirrel.

I think they might even have a special gland for that inside. Yeah, there's got to be because it feels like when you're really excited your body feels even better. Are you talking about an erection? That's not quite what I'm... It's an extreme feeling. I can't tell if Blaine is trying to clear his throat

to gather attention or no, he's just clearing his throat okay good but now that I have your attention is it like the feeling when you're doing the do? yeah adrenaline yes Blaine I don't know if you guys have ever heard a little thing I'm working on here

what are you working on? Gilligan the skipper, too. A millionaire. It's a song of nostalgia. And his wife. The movie star. And the rest. Oh, rest.

Brian, you get another point. And Ken, you get three points. Yay. That was my song of rest. Brian, you get another point. And Ken, you get three points. Yay. That was my song of rest. Thank you for that. And the rest. You want to take a peek at these books and make the time tick for it?

Yeah, I'd love to. So you realize Tom's book is a spell of enchantment. And if you were to say spend a few uh resting periods on a weapon you feel like you specifically blaine might be able to imbue uh somebody's weapon with some fire damage but you might have to, like, borrow a weapon for, like, a while. Okay. The other two are books on poison.

So, like, what, Brett Michaels stuff? Is it, like, Tool Academy stuff? One's, like, a beginner's level alchemy book on poison. One of them's, like, intermediate. And you feel like if you study the beginners one, you could create just with some basic ingredients that you gather uh sort of like i told i told uh my own pastiche uh way of dealing

with gathering materials and stuff like that so i told him like if he's ever in a populated area uh he could gather materials for more lockpicks you could just kind of break some things apart and make lockpicks you feel like you kind of break some things apart and make lockpicks. You feel like you could break apart some leaves and some forest elements and put together some basic poisons. And the other one, you feel like, oh, you might be able to put it on a weapon, same as the fire.

Oh, I see. I like it. I like it a lot. Also, you feel like now that you've figured out what these books are, they're written in a form of Elvishish so that's sort of how you figured out you could probably teach tom you're not sure you could teach bodhi but uh what do you mean let's teach i don't need to be taught now uh both of you guys could probably learn anything from these books under the right tutelage but that's how much i think amongst between the three of you you could probably learn anything from these books under the right tutelage but that's how much

i think amongst between the three of you you could start learning this stuff having looked over your character sheets i like it i like it cool so you've got a little library of stuff where if you were to say hole up uh you could probably start accruing a lot of knowledge and I'm going to say while you do that you just do some basic healing you can gain another let's say two hit points you can gain more if you sleep if you sleep you can get rid of

your necrotic damage I'm going to lay down for a minute like four more cool if you sleep for eight hours you'll both be fine yeah my hut is here for a while so full of farts though well I'll say if you've gone through

all the healing and in the time it took you to read those books your hut would have dissipated but I'll also assume that you didn't really need to use it until it's time to sleep. Okay. Because there's no sign of major... You're in a clearing, but there's, you know... Okay.

What do goggles fart smell like? My goggles smell like centipede carapaces because that's what I just ate, bro. Yeah. You get the exoskeleton, you make kind of like a hard shell taco and then you get some of like the squishy parts and you mash them up with your fingers and you put them in.

No, no, no. This is what evil fairies eat, man. Nope. Glad I asked. Don't like it. Evil fairies eat some cool shit, man. We're good foragers. I am nothing but cliff bars. I'm more of a lunar bar

kind of guy. You know what I'm saying? I like the minty ones. The blueberry ones. Lunar bars are the shit, man. They're like real for bros, you know? I only take them on flights. You guys gonna sleep? Is that the sleepy?

Yeah, I'm sleeping right now. All right. The hut pops. Nothing happens. What? Nothing happens. Nothing. You rolled a one for encounters.

That means you're safe. So we're back to normal? You're all back to normal health. You do notice there is no more smoke coming from what looked like a chimney. Oh, we could have gotten there when there was smoke. Maybe that means that whoever's there is not there anymore and we can sneak

in and go through their underpants you do think you see a hut now that you've had time to look at the horizon let's head over there pizza or sunglass it is the opposite direction of the wood elves that's okay get back

how far away is it we're strapping young man it's like a 10 minute walk oh jesus christ hey let's swing by the car so I can put this stuff in the car wrapping, young man. It's like a 10-minute walk. Oh, shit. Oh, Jesus Christ. How can we not go there? Hey, let's swing by the car so I can put this stuff in the car. Okay, I put all our extra

stuff in the car. Don't forget to mark in your Apple Maps where you parked. You know, I take a picture of my space. Oh, that's good. What floor are you on? No, just the space. Oh. No identifying features whatsoever. As you get closer, you see what looks like four strange statues. Oh, my God.

Maybe this was a mistake. These better not be Confederate statues, because I don't feel like talking about current events. The ground is still really gravelly and rocky. You're not close enough to the woods. You've got to kind of go down a slight decline to get to the more foresty area. to kind of go down a slight decline to get to the more foresty area.

How about the decline of the United States? Am I... Come on, can I get a little... It's not going to even be current when people listen to this. Yeah, it'll all be dead. No, it'll be like... When we recorded this, Gerald Ford has just been sworn in.

That was insane. He's tweeted about all the corn dogs that he hid in his orifices. Stop saying stuff you're going to make me mark for editing later, Brent. So this hut was partially obscured by a boulder along the mountains. And that's why you weren't sure what it was at first from a distance. As you get closer, you see these weird statues and What do they look like? Are they humanoid? No, they're four dwarves

in armor. So humanoid but small. Humanoid but small. Smaller than you guys. But big statues? Yeah, they look Big statues of small people? The statues are, what do you call it? To scale? They're real size.

So it's a Bob's Big Boy. One to one. And they're all facing the direction of the hut. Bob's Big Boy. That's weird. Oh, and they've all got little plaid overalls on them. No, no. They're all in different poses.

And they're facing the hut. And if you look beyond the hut, it looks like what might have been a much larger statue hewn into part of the rock that's sort of fallen apart over the years. You're not sure what it is. It almost looks like a statue of a giant that had been chipped away over time. Okay. And as you get closer to the hut, you see an old, drowish woman sort of milling about. Funny she didn't seem

drowish. Classic space ball bit, you guys. Have fun storming the castle. A drow woman, huh? Yeah. Just kind of puttering around, poking at the gravel with a stick. Some sort of spell.

I'm just hoping she didn't turn these dwarves into stone. Yeah. Since they're facing the hut that's what it feels like to me so I'm not going to look at her you're not going to look at her are you going to keep progressing towards her or are you going to

get the hell out of Dodge what do you think you hear her humming something to herself Are you going to get the hell out of Dodge? What are we doing? What do you think? You hear her humming something to herself. She's sort of still on the other side of a boulder. You just kind of saw her taking a few steps in your sight line before going back behind it. I'm going to... I'm going to go away, little girl. And now you can't see me.

All of a sudden, Tui goes and disappears. I wish I had thought of that. I'm going to... I'm still going to kind of... I'm going to try to make my way around to see if I can see this. Yeah, we'll keep our eyes closed. Because if she's got basilisk powers and she's not like looking at me I don't think they would

she can't focus on something if it's invisible it's X invisibility and then I'm fucked so let's get this over with so you gonna get closer or are you gonna fly over yeah I won't be shy sure enough you get closer and you see her cock her head up in your direction

cock? yeah and you see her cock her head up in your direction. Cock? Okay. Yeah. Alright. She just kind of looks past you. She doesn't look right at you. She goes back to what she was doing. Pokes around with her stick. Keeps humming something to herself.

I don't like anything about this. Just want to go. Can I keep moving away to kind of back towards her hut to look around her yard and stuff? Yeah, it's a really simple hut. You notice she's got a small garden. She's kind of cultivated some earth under the rock. She looks like someone has chipped away at it to create a fertile ground around it. The garden plants

look strangely healthy compared to all the other foliage you've seen here. She's got a wheelbarrow. She's got some simple tools leaned up against her house. There's no sign of anyone else being around. You don't see any kind of weapons,

skeletons, nothing like that cauldron weird vibe is do i have a bad vibe about this uh am i getting an evil sense you do not necessarily get an evil vibe but you there's something uh magical about it for sure well she's a drow. So she's got innate magical stuff. Yeah. She's a bit of a witch. You notice also as you hover around, she looks real old. She's going to eat one of us and get young. That's how this always works. Every time I see one of these old drow ladies, she eats one of us and she gets young.

Not me. So I think, here's the of us and she gets young. Not me. Here's the thing. I say we eat her. Oh. Okay. She smells good. She's kind of like a cedar sandalwood kind of smell. That's a good smell. That's good. I have plus one keels.

Not necessarily like a food smell. She doesn't smell filthy. Smells like a nice men's cologne. She looks clean, well-kept. Her house looks clean and well-kept. Okay. But it's very isolated. You feel like you found a hermit of some kind.

I'll go killer, Ken. I don't know what a killer... Oh, okay, I won't. All right, let's see. You already decided to kill her. Tui, you notice she's starting to make her way back the way she came. So she will soon be in eyesight of these two again. So unless something changes, she will be capable of just looking at these two.

We'll shift. I'm hiding. Well, you don't know that. You two don't know. You have to make a choice to hide beforehand. I'm hiding. Well, you don't know that. You two don't know. You have to make a choice to hide beforehand. I'm going. I want to leave. You want to leave? Okay, so you can mumble that to Bodhi.

Let's wait for the other guy. Rhodes is letting it be known how he feels about the situation So they're kind of waiting for you, Twee Yeah, where's Twee? I'm going to Try to follow this lady A little bit, kind of trailer

She goes to the other side of the big boulder The boulder is bigger than the house it's just you know looks like something might have fallen off the mountain a long time ago she kind of peeks around as if expecting to see bodie and tom and she kind of chuckles to herself and shrugs she uh looks up in your direction Not right at you And says what are you boys up to What are you up to

Oh uh Sorry lady my friend's frisbee Went on your roof I need to get our frisbee off your roof Are you looking for something We're just travelers We're just travelers. Yeah, we're travelers. We're traveling away.

Are you sheepishly leaving your hiding spot? We saw smoke coming from your place earlier, and so we thought we'd say hello, but if we're bothering you, we'll head another way. Her voice changed. Hi, Rhodes. Hey, buddy. You got some gummy bears? Gummy bears. Oh, wow. Her voice changed. Hi, Rhodes. Hey, buddy. You got some gummy bears?

Gummy bears. Oh, wow. Look at those. Oh, those are the ones that you drink. Oh, is there like... Yeah, they're like the little gummy root beers. Oh, I love the gummy root beers. Oh, wow. Like those old wax bottles? What? Yeah, I like that. But it's all edible? Right.

It's like a big... Cherry Coke. Rhodes, these guys just found an old lady and you walked in on me doing an old lady voice. Do you want to hear? Okay. Before it gets scary. Hi, I'm an old lady. He acted like it was pretty scary.

Is that creepy? No. No, he's not scared. what if we told you that they were in our area what's that one orange because i have one you can't eat candy around your dad it's gonna happen oh i love poppin boba right but is that like it looks like looks like a pill. Yeah. Well, it's supposed to be like a soda can. Newfangled candies. And then it gooshes. Oh, God. Nine microdots.

Did it goosh? So, she introduces herself as Zawin. And she says, well, if you're travelers, there's

not much I can do for you. This is my little plot of land. I hope you don't go too far east. There's a warrior group of drow over there. You want to be careful if you head east much farther. Okay. Thank you. Thanks.

Let's exit stage east. Before you leave. No. Back to the woods. See you later. There is something that I think you might find interesting. La, la, la. What?

Uh-oh. Here's where we find out she has needs. The evil of this place cannot touch me, for I have been here a very long time. And if you notice, this was the site of a great battle. Those four warriors you walked past, they once fought a great monster here. Oh, okay.

Is it the figure behind your house? Yes. The large figure behind my house was once a great monster that they battled. And when this place was taken over by the gods that be, it suddenly made them stone. If you can tell me a riddle about the four dwarves over there, I might be able to give you something from before their time. Tell you a riddle or answer a riddle? Answer a riddle. You don't have to write a riddle. Yeah.

I don't want to have to have a robo in the afternoon. This is not a union day TV on Saturday. Is there a price if we don't answer it correctly? No, nothing like that. We're going to get turned to stone. I don't answer it correctly? No, no. Nothing like that. We're going to get turned to stone. I don't know.

We don't really have time to answer riddles. Right? Yeah. I got to be honest. We're supposed to be at the Galleria right now. We're going to head out front and see if our Uber's... Very well, very well. I should tell you that

the statues have seen you at this point. If you've walked past them, they had their backs to you, and now they're facing you, so they've all seen you, and I'm not sure they'll let you go so easily. All right, well, let's try. But if we answer the riddle, we can pass them? Yes. Just a riddle We can pass them? Yes Just a riddle

It's the only thing I really have to offer my visitors Sorry Whose idea was it to come over here? I think it was mine I think the guilty shot I'll take a shot at the riddle Okay go I'm not that smart

So you walk over to the statues And she follows you over there and says, if you can tell me which of these dwarves is the most cowardly in order and guess the order correctly. The three? That's all I ask. The four. So can you describe each of them to me?

Yes, I will. One of the dwarves is in a fighter's stance. They're all facing the cliffs where the monster used to be. One of the dwarves is giving it the middle finger. One of the dwarves has his back to the monster a little bit. He's kind of looking over his shoulder and he has something clutched in his hands. And the other is

on top of something, facing the cliff side, but also covering something. So it's not the guy in the fighting stance. It's not the flip-off guy, or the guy flipping at the bird. Okay, I would say the back to the guy or the guy flipping at the bird. Okay, I would say the back to the thing

is the most cowardly. Yeah. The one covering something is the next most cowardly. Yeah. The I can't decide the fighting stance

or the middle finger is the most cowardly. I would say the Well, the fighting stance the guy could be the fighting stance is next and then the middle finger is the least cowardly say that again one more time

the one with the back is this your final answer yes the back facing is the most cowardly. The one hunched over covering something is the... Before you answer, have you examined them carefully? What is the one covering something? What is it covering?

You look closer, and he's covering what looks like another smaller statue. You can't quite make it out but it looks like it has you think you see like a leg. Like a baby? Another leg underneath it. So maybe he's not. And then the one with the back to the

statue, what's he holding? It looks like some piece of jewelry is in his hand. Oh, so he's the most cowardly Yeah But then it's still hard between Protecting someone I think is the least cowardly So what are

Details about the one that's The middle finger You notice the one Extending his middle finger Has no weapons on him Okay And the fighting stance?

Just looks like a badass fucking dwarf. Okay, so I revised two. One with the back is the most cowardly. The fighting stance is the next

cowardly. fighting stance is the next next cowardly okay hang on a second back fighting stance middle finger protecting is that your final answer that's my final answer

you're correct congratulations thanks for the help. She says, this is no longer my home. It is yours for the plundering. I will be on my way. I've lived here for far too long. You'll notice there are things in my hut. You may take whatever you wish, but know that it belongs to me, and that if ever I find you, I may ask for a favor.

I will not ask for an evil favor, for I am not evil, but I have lived here longer than anyone else, and the evil gods here cannot touch me. Seems fair. Cool. Thank you. Thanks.

Let's check out the house. I'm putting my acid wand away. So you head into the house. Yeah. My old lady pulled the rug out from under her spell was ready. Oh, I should have taped that down. You notice this house is full of tools. There's tons of tiny little tools. Well, now it is.

Three really big phalluses. Three dorks, if you will. And in addition to that, many flint and steel. Okay. You notice a cache of just little mechanical parts you feel like you could make, as I may have just precluded, like at least 20 lockpicks. Oh, yeah. Out of just the basic wiring that you find in here.

You find a lot of jewelry, very small jewelry, but you get a magical vibe off of it. Okay. And so you'd have to probably get it identified. Figure out each thing, yeah. But you feel like if you put it on, strange things might happen. I would suggest, however, getting it identified because it's kind of a crapshoot. It's a big pile.

however getting it identified because it's kind of a crapshoot it's a big pile and because of the general magical vibe off of it you can't quite tell what is magical and what isn't you feel like you might put some stuff on and nothing will happen you might put it seems like she's been hoarding okay so you also find one um uh particularly odd thing. Um, there is, uh, one corner, uh, that seems to have just plants in it. Um, one corner of the hut has, uh, sort of like a, it looks like a, an open closet. There's no door on it. And inside there is, uh, some sort of magical fire in a candle it's very weird candle and there is sort of a a tree uh like a like a tiered tower inside that's like six feet tall and each tier has a bunch of strange herbs in it does any of you have any kind of herbalism specialty

I don't but uh I'm gonna see if I recognize anything from that book I read yeah based on the book you you think you find a lot of basic alchemy stuff you think you could probably make in addition to a basic poison, a basic necromancy potion that could potentially raise the dead. Oh, wow. That's sort of an intermediate potion. You'd think you'd have to use a whole lot of the supplies here. You'd really have to fill a duffel bag full of everything. But you feel like, oh, I might be able to raise the dead with a potion.

Is there anything here we can use to carry some of this stuff? Or do we have something that... Okay, so that's the basics you guys see. If you want to hunt for more in this house, you're each going to have to roll. Yeah, let's spend a little time in here. We can also lock it up and leave. It's our little place. She's gifted this house to you.

This is, for all intents and purposes, somewhere you can make your home base. But yeah, you've got to roll a 20. Do those statues guard the house, regardless of who's there? If we left the house and somebody showed up. Last you saw, this woman was headed

north into the mists. You could potentially go try to find her. Hey, lady! What happens if we leave the house? We're okay. As far as you know. We didn't ask a lot of questions before you went inside. I mean,

try to hunt her down. Let me go after her. Roll a, let's say, intelligence. Alright. You get a plus five bonus. Let's say it's a difficulty of 15.

17. 17. Beautiful. You see her in the distance. You shout after her. You see her turn around. You're going to jog over there? What do you want to ask her? Do the statues protect the house?

They do. When you're gone? They do. They'll protect you as well. Do I need to know the alarm code or anything? Well, you're the one who answered my riddles. You're the one who had the patience. One of them had the patience to listen to the Dungeon Master guilt trip him into going over.

So I'll give him some credit. You in particular, if you're under threat and they can see with their eyes they will attack. Okay. Cool. They have to walk past the statues and be within eyeline of them. And then my friends, they just won't be protected? They're not endangered? They'll be protected if you're protected.

Okay, got it. Thanks for the house. Of course, of course. Where are you going, by the way? Well, I'm off to build a new home. Okay, sounds good. You can take all the time I like. I'm not in any danger. Enjoy.

Thank you. Just thinking. Okay, I'm going to put my acid wand away. If you don't have any more questions about her, she's going to just head north. Hope to see you again someday. Return the favor.

She heads north and... You come back in and I've got all her underwear on my head. Oh, God. Why don't we do some... So you guys all probably have different stuff you want to look for I know Blaine wants to find a nice sports bra maybe some Victoria's Secret with like a lace

kind of am I getting a magical vibe off of any of the stuff in the mirror but why don't you guys let's just say for the next day or so you get a 120 roll for just looting this place, just digging around hardcore.

And if any of you get a 20, you'll find something special, but otherwise you'll just find more of the same. All right. Five. Can we add to our roll? Nope, just roll a 20. You've got to knock it out of the park.

It's a home run or nothing every day. Use that special die. Go on. Six. Oh, it was a wiggly one. Not this time. You do feel like... I'm going to keep rolling until I get one

and then say that was the roll. Blaine, you feel like because you just got those books, you could potentially upkeep this little greenhouse that she has in the corner? Okay. You could potentially keep it from little greenhouse that she has in the corner. Okay. You could potentially keep it from depleting itself and destroying it.

But yeah. It should be interesting. God damn it. I can't believe I got it on the second one. What do you guys want to do next? Do you want to camp out here and rest again?

I'm going to sleep. I haven't slept yet. I'm going to rest. Take watch. Gago is kind of upset. He really thought he was going to get to fight some stone dwarves or something. Sorry, Gago. You know, life sucks that way. You'll fight something soon. Don't worry.

What about that monster on the cliff? What do you think would happen if I just poked it with my dagger a little bit? I think you should leave it alone. Alright, but it's stone, so probably nothing will happen. It'll just be a fun thing I can tell my grandkids I poked a giant monster. Hey, would you rather just

have some of your little whiskey that you like? You got some whiskey? Yeah, you've got that. Well, that thing from Mary Lou. I just feel so warm all of a sudden. What if I dig through

her cupboards and see if she's got some of the good shit? Some of that single malt? You guys like single malt? I don't like double malt. That's just plain. You have that little dark fairy drink that you like. It's not technically whiskey, but that. Yeah, you guys actually bought that for me.

Usually I drink some fermented dark fairy shit. But that's like west coast of Minna. Do you know what I mean? We're like east coast of Minna now. We did so much traveling, I'm not even like... I have some Mike Will and some Jolly Ranchers. I was about to say, man, I was reading a thing about perp drank today. I'm not a little mad. I got some NyQuil and some Jolly Ranchers. I was about to say, man. I was reading a thing about perp drank today.

I was like, you know what? I really want to get addicted to perp drank. It sounds like the greatest drink of all time. What is that? It looks like it tastes like a flaming moe. Scissorup. What is it? What, man?

It's like Robitussin. It's codeine cough syrup with Jolly Ranchers in it. It's crazy little Wayne shit. What? It's what little Wayne shit. What? It's what poor people drink, man. Yeah. It's cough syrup and Jolly Ranchers. Fucking wake up, dad.

2017. Yeah, man. It's like in prison. Jolly Ranchers, you use it for your alcohol. You melt it down and put it in your hair to give yourself a cool haircut. You can turn Jolly Ranchers into a shank and stab somebody. The other thing kids are doing

is they take a tampon and they soak it in Captain Morgan's and then they shove it up their ass with a Kit Kat. That's not true. That is for real, man. Hand to God. Swear to fucking God. Kill me dead if it's not true. Oh, that is for real, man. Hand to God. Swear to fucking God.

Kill me dead if it's not true. Every word that's true. The other one sounds true. Did you guys ever butt chug? Butt chug in rules. You absorb alcohol so much faster through your rectal cavity. It's true. The tissue there is really easily permeated by alcohol. The other thing is when you take a Q-tip

and you soak it in rubbing alcohol and then you dip that in Nutella right up the pee hole. It's called a caramel Dukakis. I call that Grandpa's Mystery Finger.

I think it's a regional thing. That's exactly one of those. It's like how people sometimes they say milk. Like they pronounce milk with an E. Yeah, like when they say both. Pella or both. Both. Or Eleanor's instead of Illinois. I've never heard both.

Both. I hear that. I think it's both. Like instead of both. Or you know how it's okay to fuck your first cousin? What? Both. You guys.

Both your first cousins. In Baltimore, it was Miro instead of Mirror. Chimbley. And a wheelbarrow. What's Chimbley? And water. Chimney. Sandy Claws would come down to Chimbley.

What? Baltimore's got a radio. Do you know the dumbest people in Baltimore? Santa Claus would come down to Chimbley. What? Santa Claus coming down to Chimbley. It's a voice that can take the pain off your car. Chimbley. See where I'm from, that's what you call passing a kidney stone. That's not the right letters. Santa Claus coming down to Chimbley.

Santa Claus would come down to Chimbley, and then he'd look in the mirror, and he'd go, Oh, my God. I got to lose some weight because I'm going down oh, my God. I got to lose some weight because I'm going down the ocean this summer. I got to get some suntan. Hello, world. Hello, world.

Suntan lotion. Or suntan oil. Oh, thanks, though. What is it a mixture of? It's like a Philadelphia thing. But it comes from some other language. You can play with language before you go to bed. It's a little...

Come out, world. It's a little... I guess I'm like Dutch or something. I think it's Dutch, because I know that where I grew up, I'm Pennsylvania Dutch a little bit. But it's a Philadelphia... You guys still talking? I just said goodbye to my son and sent him off to college. Oh my gosh. Congratulations. We've been playing this one for a long time.

Yeah. You're growing up just like me. Oh, my God. Casting a cradle in a silver spoon. I hear the Ugly Kid Joe version every time. Every time he goes, hey, do you want to wrestle? And I go, not right now. And then I'm like, ah, okay.

Because I start to hear the Ugly Kid Joe. Yeah, not even the original version. The shitty early 90s one. You know, I'd love to, Dad, if I could find the time. As I died in a rest home, I thought I should have paid more attention to my kid. Should have paid

attention to my kid. As my plane was flying into a mountain, that's when I realized my son was just like me. And I'll never see him pee. I just peed

my pants. Now I'm hitting the mountain. Now I'm dying on the mountain. I sure miss my son. I fucked up. The song is done. And Harry Chapin was brilliant.

Cows on the cradle on the service barrel. Little barbler and a man on the moon. How many minutes are left? We're in an hour. We're going to give them bonus. I think they got enough.

More than enough. Unless you are in five. We're running, coming home, son of Dundee. What are we at? Oh, we're in an hour. We'll be together then. About five over. You know you have a good time.

It was a fun one. And we padded out the end a couple minutes, too, by trying to figure out how long we had done. But we found some stuff. We got a house, guys. Yeah. Come on, knock on our door. And I didn't.

I didn't. I say we flipped this house. I didn't stab a drow. I didn't. Try to get some water out. And there's Mavis. Look how pretty she looks today. She's extra fluffy, isn't she?

Nervous. Yeah. Yeah, that's a good cooking tip, by the way, before we leave. It's a great way to keep noodles from sticking together. A lot of people put olive oil in there when you're doing pasta. Just a tablespoon of conditioner. Usually like Paul Mitchell is pretty good. You're getting some Jolly Ranchers.

No, but that would be a good idea. Some conditioner and some Jolly Ranchers. That's crazy shit. I guess that's it. That's a bunch of new stuff, maybe. Okay. Thanks for listening. And there's Ernie.

Clackety, clack, clack. I'm old. Thanks for listening, you guys. See you in episode 21. We're going to do it right now. Hey, everybody. It's episode 21. Thanks for listening to another episode of Nerd Poker. You can follow us at patreon.com slash nerdpoker.

And you get bonus episodes from there. And you can also send us anything at P.O. Box 16069 Encino, California 91416 Thanks for listening.