Nerd Poker - Episode 20 - Typha's Hour (with Chris Tallman!)

Episode Date: June 27, 2018

Though we are sadly without our dearest Blaine to steer Twee, Chris Tallman (a regular in our bonus episodes) makes the leap to the main campaign to play Typha, former NPC and Battle Cook. And just in time too, as the party will require Typha's legendary perception skills to retrieve Zinzerena's cloak from a mammoth monster in the underground lake. Special shout out to John Smith III aka Vox the Devil for his Tullchor monster art, and Colm O'Reilly for his fabulous ambient cave lake sounds.

Hey everybody, I'm Brian Poussaint Comedian, writer, actor, nerd. I've been playing D&D with my friends for a long time. I decided to do a new podcast where we play Dungeons & Dragons in my very own dining room. With my wife, kid, and my noisy dogs. So meet my friends... Sarah Ken Sam

Lee Now it's time for another episode of Brian Pussain's Nerd Poker Season 2. What's up, guys? It's Brian Pussain's Nerd Poker Episode 20 of Season 1. Season 2. Second I thought it was Season 1, but I'm flashbacks. The good old days. Wait, wait.

For flashbacks, if your kid likes Playmobil, get the Ghostbusters Playmobil stuff. They're really good. Okay. Cool. Thanks, buddy. See you guys later. See you, Rhodes. Peace out.

Rhodes Poussaint, ladies and gentlemen. Give him a round of applause. A lot of acid in fourth grade. Can you shut that? No, I'm in third grade. Second grade, then. Second grade, though. Second grade's with the flashbacks.

What's happening? Hey, everybody. Hiya, buddy. Hey. My friends, Sarah, Ken, Dan, no Blaine. Sitting in for Blaine, we have our friend from bonus episodes. You've never sat with us on a regular one like this, I don't think. I don't think so.

It's been a great honor. We have not had a guest on a regular episode since it restarted. Okay. No one? Yeah. Ooh. This is our first since we've been in Brian's house. A lot of randomness. And you're playing Blaine's character. Don't kill him.

No, he's not. I know he's not. But Chris Stallman. Hi, how are you? I systematically take out the knife and cut Blaine's throat. Okay. Blaine's going to roll to live. He did not get a livey number, so he's dead. Bye, everybody.

Man, what a great campaign that was. Let's go back and talk about our highlights. But who's he actually playing? Exactly. Sarah had the idea that, although I thought maybe he was just automatically going to play Tweet, what if we brought the NPCs into the equation? Because I did have stats for them, so I did have to kind of mess around on D&D

Beyond to get it in character sheet form, but ladies and gentlemen, today, Chris Tallman will be playing the part of Typha, the party cook slash fighter. He also made some R.O.'s stupid stuff. Shredded art.

We're going now though buddy we gotta move on to our show he's got some great shredded text forms alright cool I'm gonna shred the rest of these close the door shred it up

so part of getting this together for the level that is appropriate for Typha, that means there are all sorts of custom abilities that she hasn't chosen. But if we're going to have a player taken over, I think we've got to color in her background a little bit. And so you'll be playing her as a champion fighter. That's right.

And, you know, I'll work this in in a moment, but where we left things off, she had kind of been left behind a little bit, like farther back in this cavern everybody's in, and Tweed, we're just going to say, as driven by the Dungeon Master, is going to go float back and pick her up and bring her into the main action. You guys are on...

Oh, wait, before I even get into that, I need to thank a couple of patrons. Yeah, what about our listeners? Oh, my goodness. And we didn get into that, I need to thank a couple of people. Yeah, what about our listeners? Oh my goodness. And we didn't really do a summary. I was going to do a proper summary. I just kind of wanted to put it in a perspective for the listeners who might be like,

Typha? Now? Here? Yes. Thank you, Scum Guzzler. Thank you, Scum Guzzler. Thank you, Paul DeLabio. Paul DeLabio. Thank you, Scum Guzzler. Thank you, Scum Guzzler. Thank you, Paul DeLabio. Paul DeLabio. Thank you, Alice S. Thank you, Blaine

Chillon. I'm sorry, you were gonna? I said thanks, but I was swallowing water, as I said. Oh no, don't die. I'll try not to by hydrating. Thank you, Boy TRQ. Thanks, Boy. Thank you, CarmTRQ. Thanks, Boy.

Thank you, KarmBottomStock. Thanks, Karm. Thank you, TheBiggestBlackestD20. Real name. That's a real name. And thank you, BrothersMaxinator'sMuscleOverload. Don't know what that means, but I hope that inside joke was pleasurable for you to listen to. Makes me think of, who were those bodybuilder twins in the 80s? Oh, the Barbarian Brothers.

Yeah, the Barbarian Brothers. Not Hans and Franz. No. No, that would be a reference people would know. Oh, delightful. So you guys are separate from the plane of existence where most of the adventure has taken place so far. You phased into the Feywild

where an ancient magical artifact resides. The sort of major antagonist of this campaign is a dead evil goddess named Zinzarina. And you guys are trying to find her cloak. You found an old book that said that her cloak happened to be sort of imprisoned nearby, half in the Feywild. You went into the Feywild and you went deep up. Sorry, I was trying to like bury a coke burp there for a second.

That's what I thought. I thought you were going Ted Knight. You know, I tried to bury the burp under some Ted Knight action. Burp. Burp. Burp. I didn't gag on it like an air ball. Burp. Burp. Burp.

Oh, God. I'm going to trigger everyone at the table. We're going to start taking turns puking. No, no. No. God, that happened at Earwolf once where we all just did it really graphically. Is that horrible? No, stop.

We got complaints on that one. Oh, God, we got complaints on that one. You guys want to find this cloak. You went deep in this underground cave and you got past a few little guardians that were in the cave you you found this map meters written by a mysterious uh character named mori bori made this fey wild map

and you took her her map deep under uh ground uh you're following the trail of where you think the cloak went you think you manifested the cloak in a vertical chamber and it floated down into a river which continued into an underground lake. After answering some riddles. After answering a riddle. I wanted to take a moment to apologize when I listened back to the episode, how rude I was about not solving the riddle and just being like, this is a bullshit riddle.

This is a dumb riddle. And like, first of all, I didn't know that Dan wrote, like I thought it was from a book, so I thought i could be freer with my scorn but i told dan i apologized because i was like it's classic me i was embarrassed and ashamed and therefore i lashed out in anger which is exactly what i listened to back i'm like oh i was really mad at myself for not getting it and i directed that anger outward and i'm sorry no you don't need to be sorry because um i think you know it's just my style as a dungeon master because where Sark liked to try to kill you guys all the time,

I like to just make you psychologically anxious. So that is what I turned up. I am the passive-aggressive dungeon master. So this will be fun. Oh, good. All right, great. Brian's trying to trigger me. That's only for four of us.

Listeners, me and Brian. I saw the trailer. Well, she read about it. And I saw the trailer, so. Oh, God. It's upsetting. Hey, go. Go check out Hereditary.

It's hereditary. It's hereditary-larious. Take your kids. Lock them up and keep them away from that movie. No, do not. Well, it's rated R, so if you take your kids to any R-rated movie, I'm kind of like... I mean, I feel bad that you just ruined that child's life, but it's also your fault as a parent.

Although by now the hype would have killed it and everybody thinks we're idiots. When I was in third grade, I went to a birthday party and the mom took us all to see The Color Purple. Oh my God. Anything come for me? Did she leave you at the theater or did she watch it too? Yeah, she took us to the theater,

bought us all tickets for The Color Purple. I don't know, maybe, yeah. She thought I was going to do it somehow. I had already seen Star Wars but my mom, it was my birthday and so I wanted all my friends to see the greatest movie ever made but it was sold

out so we saw The Deep instead. And so my mom just left us all off there. A bunch of 11 year old boys. The Deep, R-rated. Nick Nolte. And it's like they're hunting for heroin. And then there's...

Ampules. It's all about ampules. There's voodoo. There's voodoo. There's murder. So this is why you are how you are. Yeah, absolutely. It's like five easy pieces for drifters.

All right. So... Yeah, you... Oh,ters. All right. So, yeah. Oh, sorry. Go ahead. What were you saying? Don't worry about it. Were you going to tell us what your worst

or least favorite thing about the Wikipedia entry was? Yeah, but yes, but we shouldn't talk about the movie anymore. Okay, yeah. Let's move on. Fair.

Shouldn't we? When you got to the lake, the positions you guys sort of took, I believe you're sort of perched, Tom. You're kind of like near the mouth of the lake where the water is kind of flowing into it. Yes. Because you just, there's not a lot of places to hang out here. Oh, that's right.

And Bodhi, you are tied, no, you're bear-hugging one of the bits of pointy rock hanging from the ceiling, whatever those are called. Stalactite. I think, isn't it? We're not going to have this again. Ceiling and ground. Yeah, stalactite. One of the ceiling triangles.

Stalactite. You're bear-hugging it, Bodhi. And Esmeralda, you are with your water-breathing amulet kind of checking out. My what? Your water-breathing amulet? What did you think I said? You didn't say amulet.

You said amulet. You're water-breathing amulet. I didn't know. But it's like you're... Look, it's like I apologized, and then my body rejected it, and I needed to immediately lash out again. That was funny, because I didn't notice. But it's like you're, huh. Look, it's like I apologized, and then my body rejected it, and I needed to immediately lash out again. That was funny, because I didn't notice I did it,

but you looked at me like I knew I screwed the word up, so I went into this weird alternate world where everything was fine. Yeah, amulet. I'm sorry. I'm underwater. I did not have a deliberate stroke in the middle of that word. That was a mistake. So, yeah, she's breathing underwater,

and with some spells, you sort of lit the water up to kind of chase away some of the eels in the water that were reflecting a lot of the light back at you. But the lake is very deep and very clear, and as the eel sort of parked... Oh, and, you know, we'll say, too, really quick, just to tie back in the beginning of the narrative that I teased, you come floating in

with Twee, Typha. You land near the mouth of this... Hey, what's everybody doing in the water? Whoa. What's going on? Typha has had some caffeine in her... That's not how I expected her to talk.

Whip up some beignets or a little steak or something. She does keep trying to cook everything. She has been cooking a lot. You recently cooked up some grub burritos. You found some weird fairy grubs crawling around and turned them into big burritos and everyone but Esmeralda wanted one. We'll see about that.

I'm scared to eat anything in a day wild. Who knows? You know what? Things might happen. I mean, except for the worm that I ate, I guess. You did. She was given a worm by a creature from a very strange place.

Did you devein it first? You gotta devein that worm. She swallowed it whole. I swallowed it whole because they told me not even to put salt on it. That's poop, you know. You told me, in fact,

not to even put salt on it. Yeah, Typhus suggested that. You gave me ketchup, though. Don't listen to me. I don't know what I'm doing. Big, long piece of poop. Actually, she gave you fantasy ketchup, and you declined it. Well, I just ate it then.

Yeah. She had a raw worm from a strange, magical place. And that's what got us to where we are right now. Correct, which also involves you seeing a large, organic shape shifting. Everybody do a perception check, and I'll tell you how much you can see from where you are. All right. Because you can all see something with the eels parting.

17 plus a million. Great. You said perception? Yes. I got a nine plus seven, so I got a 16. Great. Well, yeah, suddenly her perception check is revealed to the world. Oh.

Seven. Oh, should I not say that? 28. Nine. No, now we all know she has a seven bonus. Guys, a nine plus seven are perception. 15 plus three. So you only rolled a nine, Esmeralda.

So everybody, you guys all see this thing floating around under the lake. Ignorance is bliss. Yeah. This thing is... Floating or swimming? Swimming. I mean, but it's not moving very fast. It is, however, one of the biggest organic beings you've ever seen.

But the map, Phil sort of gave away some of your things. The monsters, that is not necessarily what it looks like. This map was drawn by a strange, eccentric, feywild creature. So although everything on the map represents a real thing. Named Phil? No, Phil is the guy in real life who drew it. Dan did make a comment that we were taking it very literally. Yeah, you guys were, I think, enjoying it so much that you just were like.

That's how you use maps, right? The spirit of it. That's what a map's for. Yeah, my Thomas guide back when I used that. Here, I'm going to show you the map. We were trying to see if those were real things up here. Can we dig?

But that's where we are now, yeah. The guy who drew it, Phil McDaniel, I gave him a detailed map of where all this stuff was. And I told him to take creative license with it because a Feywild being drew the map. And so he made it look, in his style, very silly. That's one of the reasons I asked him specifically.

It's amazing. But if you see, for instance, a bone that looks like it is a mile long, that doesn't necessarily mean there is a mile long bone in that exact place proportionally. I'm taking it for the sword. And I will say, you all above the water can tell that the monster that is underwater does not proportionally resemble the literal monster on your map but you think it's supposed to be represented there because it is you can see like pretty far in the lake and you have a hard time believing there could be another one of these in this particular lake somewhere you almost feel like this thing this thing is almost like

trapped in a bottle like this thing as big as this lake is this gigantic being couldn't possibly have another one of it in this lake right um you you all above the water notice it's um very pale with sort of brownish red streaks as your eyes kind of adjust. Typha, you see kind of the least because you're a human, so you've kind of got to have Tom help you with some of this.

I get real close to Tom. But it's pretty much all magical lighting here. I mean, you're so far underground, there's no, like there's only a little bit of phosphorescent sort of... The lighting in here is so magical.

Who's Tom? Tom DiRetto. Tom DiRetto. Oh, right. Tom. I forgot you were Tom. You. He sort of relays this to you, but as clear as the water is, you only have human eyes, and these three all have elf, half-orc,

and tiefling eyes. I thought your name was like Din or something. I was like, no, no, no. You're just writing that out now? I don't know. Tom Doretta was played by Din Viesel. So you guys see that, and then Esmeralda,

you underwater, you see just a little more detail with that role. You do notice it's got fins and some sort of like it's got fins and some sort of, some sort of like, uh, just it's, it's got bulk to it. That's kind of all you can, and it seems to be sort of pivoting slowly, kind of like roving around. Okay. So I'm just going to do a one quick scan of this area, looking for the cloak or whatever I see. And if I don't find anything, I'm going to pop back up again. Okay. So Esmeralda sort of tries to, so you're going to kind of just swim around like near.

Yeah. Cool. Do an athletics check difficulty 10. Is there any question like, do we need to alert her? It's very clear that she knows that that thing's in the water too, right? Not necessarily clear that you can, I mean, she dove in and you all see it. So you're all kind of like, well, she 17 all right so you're fine but as you swim i will say that you're perceptive enough to just notice oh i'm you know i'm wearing armor this is not easy to get around in the water

as much as i'm trying to uh what are the rest of you guys going to do while she patrols before she gets to do another perception check can Can any of us detect evil? I don't believe any of you have the detect evil spell. Do any of us see the cloak? Everybody. It's just in the water. With those perception checks, all that I can tell you is you think it's in the water somewhere.

And also you're all close enough to the mouth where the river sort of empties into the lake that you're sure that sort of little rocky cliff that Tom and Typha are at and Tui is still kind of hovering over there. We're sure it's not behind us. It's not there, yeah. And you all kind of like are able to kind of look up and down the river. You don't think it's behind you.

It's somewhere in this lake. Okay. For the purposes of Blaine not being here, should we not count on Tweed or can we, for example? I'll be driving Tweed for the most part. I'm maybe not going to check in every round of stuff, but I'll let you know if he does something. Can't he get over and look for the cloak?

Yeah, sure. Tweed says, alright. Am I out yet? I'm going to do a little scouting job here. Am I out of the water yet? No, he's going to take that little scouting job here. Am I out of the water yet? No. He's going to take that suggestion and fly around while you do that, so I'm just going to do a quick

perceptional. He rolled a 20, so he's going to notice some stuff in a minute. But Brian, what are you doing? You're bear-hugging the thing still. Do you want to be let down by Tweed before he goes? Well, no. There's no land, right? I mean, there's no place where I can stand solidly.

Not easily. You would have to kind of go back to the mouth a little bit. You're kind of hovering over the lake a little bit so you can see a little more. So it's kind of like a sewer pipe, I guess? The river where you are, yeah. I mean, it's a sheer wall. All around the lake, it's just sheer wall. You don't see any real outcroppings that you could stand on.

Cool. No, I'll stay here. Tom, are you going to hang out there with Typha? Yeah, I think for now. I don't really know. Two heads are better than one, don't you think, Tom? All right, so Tweed heads off and flies. Esmeralda, do another perception check.

14. 14. Okay. So you make it about, I'm going to say, 60 feet into the water before you feel like you just should go back and forth. And you notice that this big thing has like longer protuberances kind of coming off of it. Maybe. I will say that you're used to tentacles sort of coming off the center

and you think you see some sort of fins on the side of this thing and the tentacles almost look, the tentacle-like long protuberances are kind of coming off of what looks like should be its face. Not in the way you might expect. It just seems like a strange thing you've never seen before. It looks like there's kind of one long one, and you can't see where the end of it goes, and then there's two that almost look like they're floating side by side on either side of it.

And that's about it. You don't see the cloak. Okay. So I'm getting out of here. Okay. Tui flies back, and he gets up there about the same time you swim back, and he says,

Hey, so there's a cloak down there in the water, and the dungeon master is going to do a roll to see where the cloak is exactly on this chart. The cloak is wrapped around like a vent gill thing on that giant thing under the water.

So I think we gotta go pull it off of that thing. Twee says. Do you have like a talk to monsters spell? You know, I have this thing called tongues that I could cast. I could cast this thing called tongues. I don't have talk to animals, though.

I don't know if any of you guys have animal handling. I have a plus four to animal handling. I speak common. Does that help if I speak common to the creature? I have a Peko membership. It actually looks like Tui might have the highest bonus other than Typha. You're tied with him, actually, at plus four to animal handling. I can certainly go out and help.

You could try. Yeah. I should probably lose my chainmail. But he actually... Will tongues work? You'd have to leave heavy armor to get that close. You'd have to kind of strip down your skivvies. I guess I need somebody's help to unlace these tight things.

Is anybody standing with me? Typha turns to you, Tom, and says, Hey, I can't quite... Hey, well, you know, I'd be happy to help. Oh, the chemistry is just on fire today. Let me grab that lace there. Tweed looks away. I hold eye contact with Tweed the whole time.

Tweed takes out a cigarette and lights up. That beautiful back. Okay, so is anyone... Do you want to try to swim closer to this thing? You do have the amulet. No, I want to get out of here. You want to just leave the chamber? Well, I want to leave the water.

I think I said that. Okay, you're climbing out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because I don't think that's a good idea. Thank you for helping me remember. Well, I just didn't want to be misunderstood

because I definitely want to get out. Okay, yeah. You feel like if any of you guys, just common sense, helping me remember. Well, I just didn't want to be misunderstood because I definitely want to get out. Okay. Yeah, you feel like if any of you guys, just common sense, if you spent more than one turn in the water, you would get exhausted without taking off armor. Oh, right.

Okay. I'm kind of giving you a little bit of a freebie there, too, just because in some ways, you should just immediately sink to the bottom. But you've all got Levitate available via Twee, so I'm just, for the sake of storytelling, not making a big deal about it. It makes sense.

I think I would probably bring my dagger, but that would be about it, right? Sure. Where are you going to put it? In my teeth? Cool. She's got a fantasy sports bra, and she can just stick it in her back strap. I'm like a goddamn frog man.

Bodhi's going to go in the water when it's his turn, too. Okay. Well, I mean, you guys aren't in combat right now, so I mean, turns are relative if you guys want to talk about your plan of action here. Typho goes in the water. Bodhi goes in the water. So the twee and Typho are going to go try to talk to it? The shark is in the water.

It's not clear exactly what you guys wanted to do. That's what I thought. Yeah, like he's going to try to use tongues and you're going to try to use animal handling? Yeah. Does this seem like a horrible idea? No. No.

All right. No, because my first instinct is to just waste the thing and not even talk to it, but I'm probably wrong. Well, we've been talking to a lot of other weird creatures, right? Trying to distract it while this is going on. Hey, one question. Did the tentacles look like the worm face thing at all?

No. Okay. Just wanted to make sure there wasn't a connection. No, the worm face thing that you saw looked like it was an assemblage of worms in a humanoid form, and this looks like it is some sort of weird giant, uh, just aquatic creature.

Okay. Uh, so I should probably, I should probably, cause I'm in the water. I should think about trying to grab the thing. How deep underwater is the cloak? Uh,

you feel like you'd have to go, um, pretty deep. I mean, you'd have to go like 40 feet underwater. I have a water breathing amulet go pretty deep. I mean, you'd have to go like 40 feet underwater. I have a water-breathing amulet. She does. I mean, so you guys could all try to tread water above

and maybe try to take turns going down. But without the water-breathing amulet, I'm not sure any of you would think it would be easy to get down there. Who's got good athletics? I have an amulet, too. Is it a water-breathing amulet? How about if I try? i'm you does it look like hers you have a you have an amulet yeah but i don't know it doesn't look like hers it looks different okay you turn it over in your hand and

you're like that's a special amulet yeah great can typhoon make some amulets? She can. Do you want to ask her, too? Okay, so is Tweed going to talk to the thing or try to talk before we start? Tweed says, you know what? I could. Do you guys want me to take the amulet down there? I can give it a shot, I guess. I think that makes the most sense. At least start that way.

I think his first instinct would be he would do some sort of floating over the water since he can't. Right. He doesn't have to go down there, right? Can he try to talk to it? Yeah, he says if you want. Let's do that. If you guys want to swim out there, I'll float over the water and try to talk to it. Let's do it.

All right. So he tries to do like a little sort of, and we'll double that up. He tries to do like a little custom combination of casting tongues and just communing with the animal over the water by like getting its attention and kind of mimicking the noises he hears. So this seems like a good time, since you guys are in the middle of the lake

to kick some ambient music in here. Oh, oh hello. This ambient noise brought to you by Colm O'Reilly of Chicago, Illinois. So you guys start floating, start floating, uh, over there on the water while Tweed floats over and he just starts making some sort of, like, mmm, like, weird whale kind of, like, mmm, noises. And, um,

this thing does kind of, like, turn and slowly, like, move closer. It was a lot better than Blaine on my son's Casio. Remember that? I do. I do.

And as it gets closer, you see the thing much closer. Oh, no. Now, is this a similar kind of drawing where we shouldn't expect that this actually represents? You'll see some little black spots floating above its head. That is how big you are proportionately to this. Oh, man. What is that?

That is called a tulture, and that art is by this guy, Fox the Devil, also known as John Smith, a fan of the podcast, artist. Wow, that's really cool stuff, man. Plays video games with me and Ron Funges. Cool guy. Jeez. Yeah.

So where on this would the cloak be? It is in the side there, kind of stuck in one of those big gill vents. Oh, man. Okay. kind of stuck in one of those big gill vents. Oh, man. Okay.

Well, the good news is that it looks like it only has one mouth type thing. Yeah. I mean, you see this thing floating deep beneath it, just sort of like near the bottom of its reach. Yeah, but that thing could cover all that space. Yeah. Well, I just, yes, but it doesn't have like 30 tentacles to come apart. Right, but that thing could cover all that space. Yes, but it doesn't have like, you know, 30 tentacles to come apart. That's true. It does seem to be moving very slowly.

Very slowly. A big fat shrimp with a mouth a long way away. After it gets closer, it just seems to be observing you carefully from its eyes, which are floating off in the distance in two different directions. Alright.

You think the gills are still a decent dive down. All it's really done is put the gills within diving distance for the amulet. So you could spot it at this point. And only one of us has that, right? The amulet? Yeah.

But that ability. And again, I should be fair. You guys have some unidentified magical amulets. You don't know what they do. I do. I think Tom should put them all on. I'm happy to dive down if you want it to be me. Typh is half undressed, so it should also be her.

I'm more than willing to do it. I've got animal handling and athletics. I have athletics but not animal handling, so. I don't know if animal handling is going to. Yeah, I feel like we've got to just. What if we each go towards one eye? Well, one of us goes to one eye, one of us goes to another eye. To keep those eyes distracted.

Okay. As she dives down. Fair enough. Do you think maybe Tui should start talking first just to kind of let people know we're friendly, we're friendly. He's like, alright. And then I'll do like a gentle, like not trying to hide it, I'll just kind of swim towards it and see what happens.

Like it hasn't attacked us yet. Correct. So he kind of goes, mmm. We're here to help. Doesn't seem to react at all, it just seems to be observing you. And Twee says, yeah, I think it knows I'm trying to communicate, but I'm not sure I'm getting much across other than, hey, I'm trying to communicate. It just'm not sure I'm getting much across other than, hey, I'm trying to communicate.

It just sort of hears noises. Right. It's kind of tough here. Well, here's the thing. It's so deep underwater that if it turns into a fight, we're not really going to be able to do anything. Yeah, drown before anything happens. Yeah. I should swim for it.

I should at least go try this. Go try and grab the thing. Sure. Otherwise we're just not doing it. Right. So let's say that we made a plan and let's distract the eyes. I'll go to one eye. Or go to the other way.

So I give Typha the amulet. Okay. I'm going to say... And I've stripped down the amulet. Okay. I'm going to say... And I've stripped down, by the way. Alright. I think it is time for Stripped Bodhi and Stripped Tom to do a little performance

roll. So you guys tread water over there and it is time to see how the distraction goes for the left and the right eyeball. Would you roll with your bonus, buddy? To what? You got a plus five performance bonus. Would you roll?

Two. That's not great. Would you get there, Bodhi? It's a giant eye. What do I have for performance? You have a plus zero to performance. Really? Yeah. It's a shame it's not athletics.

That's right. Insight. Oh. Oh, boy. Alright, so you guys kind of tread water by this eyeball and the eyeball's pupil is this sort of just massive slit that seems to just be waving back and forth

without even really fixing on you, almost as if you're, like, planked into it. Like, it's just like... Okay. And off goes Typha. Oh, gosh. I hope you guys really didn't get too attached to this character. So, oh, she's a fan favorite.

People all the time are, like, tweeting at the account, like, when is Typha's moment going to come?. Oh, she's a fan favorite. People all the time are tweeting at the account like, when is Typha's moment going to come? I feel like something's happening here. She's been sort of plucked out of NPC, non-player character obscurity and become a pivotal person who notices everything

that the characters would otherwise not. She does. She makes pancakes. She makes burritos. She makes omelets. And what do you... So she starts swimming down towards these gill vents. I think I'm just going to go straight for the gill vent and try and get that. Do a perception check

please. Tell me what you get. I got a 12 plus a 7, so it's a 19. Beautiful. You gave the amulet to the right person. As you float down, you notice there seems to be a whole ecosystem of fish and larger fish and other creatures living

on this thing. There's like large, gangly-legged crabs crawling in and out of those gill vents and fish swimming in and out of it. And you notice there's not like you notice kind of oddly, there's not like water rushing in and out of it. And you notice there's not like, you notice kind of oddly, there's not like water rushing in and out of the vents.

It's almost as if the vents serve some other kind of purpose for this creature. You would expect it, based on that roll, for it to be one of its like breathing apparatus to get oxygen out of the water or some fantasy oxygen. Right. And it's just not, there's not a lot of current. It's almost like completely still water in these vents that all these creatures are kind of coming in and out of.

So it's just more like portals rather than it is. Yeah, it's almost like just an opening between two rocks. And as you get closer, you get, you know, halfway there and you think you see below you. They haven't... Here. It's getting better. They haven't noticed you yet but there are at least two if not more.

It's hard for you to see with your human eyes but you see like humanoid sized shapes kind of bigger than anything else you see in the vents kind of like moving back and forth it's a little bit lower than the vents

this thing has a whole ecosystem correct there's some bigger stuff a little bit out of eyesight where is the cloak? It's just stuck in one of those vents. It is. It's stuck like right

in the middle of one of them. Like at the top of one of the vents probably. No, not at the top. Like barely attached even.

No. Alright, go for it. Go get it. Go get it. Alright, do a stealth check. Ooh, good. I got a 16 plus two so it's an 18. Oh, hell yeah.

Okay, so you make it to this vent, and you don't think uh, as far as you know, you haven't drawn any attention. From the monster city? Good. Yeah. And as you approach, you see this really

fucked up cloak. Like, cool fucked up, like insane cloak. It's got this collar that looks like it's almost got just shimmering glass feathers sticking off of it, almost kind of like a boa built into it. Cool. And then it's like the most colorful thing in the water this like purple kind of velvet look to it and you're like this is rick flair's yeah you're like you're like this thing looks ridiculous underwater like this thing should be in tatters but it almost looks too perfect to be underwater it seems like it's sort of resisting absorbing any water okay

what do you do am i close enough to grab that thing yes i grabbed that thing no i'm just pausing like do i put it on or do i make a break i think i just try and make a break for it how do yeah what is this cloak what do i know about this cloak you don't know a lot about this cloak um but it's an evil goddess's cloak yeah. Yeah, it is an evil dead goddess's cloak that was trapped halfway between reality and the Feywild. That was so dangerous they had to trap it. Ancient wizards hid it.

Putting it on would not be what would be at the top of my brain. Alright, so I'm just going to get the hell out of the dungeon. Swim, swim, swim. As soon as you put your hands on it, something happens. Yep, something awesome. I teleport safety. Do a charisma saving throw that's gonna be a roll your 20 and you're gonna add your charisma modifier to that sucker which is a plus one you're rolling some hot ass guys very

lucky this character should very sure be inside of a crash so as soon as you touch it all of a sudden you feel like you're being thrown back in the water, just dozens and dozens of feet. You feel water rushing through your throat. You can't see. You just see a blur of white in your eyes, and you feel like you're just being dragged through rocks for a second, and then you blink and everything's fine.

And it doesn't hurt but you like you're like and you're still holding the cloak but uh you feel like you just barely like were able to steal your consciousness and not lose your mind picking this thing up so it's still attached to the monster no it's in your hands okay but as you as you float there, you're kind of like, oh, jeez, I don't know if I want to hold on to this thing that long. I got lucky grabbing this thing. I got super lucky, but can I go up with it? And the longer I hold on to it, the more of these saving throws I'm going to have to make. It's a distinct possibility, you think.

How far from it? Can we see this happening at all? No. I mean, you see that she has approached the gills, and that's about it. I mean, you've got good enough eyesight that you can see that deep, but the water's clear, but you can't kind of see anything beyond that. If I see her coming back, I would head towards her. Who else has a Blaine has hold person, right?

You can't do that with items You can't hold items A mage hand And it was holding the torch It probably still is Well he has to know that you need help But if you got it up a little higher Back to you Do another stealth check.

Come on, man. These rolls have been so great. Why do we want to jinx it now? Alright, I got an 11 plus a 2. It's a 13. Which is a really sweet roll. Yeah, you You

You You're going to have to beat this roll if you don't. You, you, you, uh, you're going to have to beat this roll if you don't. Um, so you, uh, you feel like you're just being tailed by something. Mm-hmm. You want to roll another 20 for perception and tell me what you get with your, your, your famous perception bonus? I got a 19.

I got a 26. So I, I can, I can. So not only do you get a feeling, you, around and you see what, you don't know how to describe it because you've never seen it before, but I think it would occur to Typha that, oh, like some mermaids are chasing me. You can't see well enough, but something's swimming towards you like a humanoid fish shape. And then you see there's another one.

And you're like, oh, boy. I'm swimming athletics check please It turns out that the moments are actually scrawn. So one of these things you see moving faster than the other as you turn your head back to the surface and make it, they don't beat you there. But as you break out of the water holding this cloak, you get the distinct feeling that something followed you up. Right behind me?

I'm heading towards her. None of you guys know what's happening. You just see her. We don't see the water. Yeah, we don't see her break the water. Okay. You guys are a reasonable distance away at either of these eyes, so you're swimming towards her.

What are the rest of you guys doing? Tui is just sort of flying there with a torch. She just broke the water. Tui should grab it out of her hand. Well, he should use Mage Hand. He's like, alright, but I'm going to have to toss this torch. Toss it to me.

There's magical twinkling lights and stuff? Tweef starts flying towards you and he hands you the torch. It's going to take him sort of another round. Okay. As he does that, I think... He could get you the torch. It's going to take him sort of another round. Okay. As he does that, I think... He could get me the torch.

Oh. Mage hand. Cast it. Let's retcon that real quick. Do you want him to keep holding the torch as Tom would, I think, remember sooner than that? Sure, sure. Yeah, yeah.

Cool. Your character remembers faster. And in the meantime, we're all going to do a little thing called rolling for initiative. Oh, God. I got a five. Are these mermen like cabin in the woods mermen?

You don't see them yet. You just know something's coming. I had a 14 plus. Although it's currently passive, the big guy is coming. I have a 16. I'm screaming. There's mermaids. They're coming.

There's crabmen. They're coming. Everything's coming. There's a whole ecosystem after me. What did everyone but Brian get? I was six. Four. I got a five. Oh, plus my initiative, right?

So six total. What'd you get? Five. Five? Okay, I'm going to roll a tweed. Gross. How dare you. My stupid joke.

Don't ever. Okay. First up is the big guy, and he doesn't do anything, because he's just checking everything out right now. Next up is Tui. Tui. Tui says he kind of just floats around with his torch that he still has

in his mage hand that he's decided not to give to Bodhi to keep Bodhi's hands legendarily free. We did not really establish, by the way, what weapons you guys were taking, but I'm assuming you took Herald of Kelmar and nothing else. Yes. And which weapon

did you take, Tom? My fancy sword. The long needle-like one? Yeah. And which, you have a bunch of spare weapons, because you've been sort of hoarding stuff that you haven't figured out yet. Yeah, I also have spells, so I think I would be probably just in the water with

a basic weapon? Probably with my light crossbow and then just a... Just a light crossbow. Yeah, and then my spells. Yeah, you only get one weapon without any straps on your back to weigh you down. And she swims with armor. She can do whatever she wants. So Tweed just does a quick little float around with the Mage Hand Torch and says, Hey, there's like two things swimming up right underneath Typha.

They're either going to get her or she's got to get them. But one of them is, I think, about to hit her. Maybe they want to talk. I said get me out of here. Bodhi, you're next. I'm sorry, but did the mage hand... Did he cast mage hand? He wants to.

Oh, he's going to in this turn. Got it, okay. Depending on how this turn goes in his choice. I'm swimming towards Typha. Okay, so you catch up to Typha, but that's your action because you were a bit away, and they're not in combat range yet. I don't get more than one?

You can see that, like, ten feet underwater, there's something rushing towards Typha as you get to her. Well, it pisses me off. You can even say that I'm enraged. Boney rages! I will say you can you have the ability to sort of position yourself at this point

how do you want to kind of help Typhon out here anyway in particular are you just going to be like ready to swing well I'm going to kind of try to get between her and them that's the clarity I was looking for sir thank you very much. Tom and Esmeralda, you both got a six, I believe.

Yeah. Why don't you do a quick roll-off for me? Just roll a 20. With bonus? 13. 16. All right, so Esmeralda, you are next. Okay, so the first thing I'm going to do

is because I remember that magic's been working, like our magical items are working weird sometimes, I'm going to put on my hover amulet and see, it's only supposed to work once a day, but since time is weird, I'm going to put it on and just see if it works. You pop up out of the water and start floating

like a foot above the water. I love the farewell, man. And I'll say you've got your other amulets with you. That's acceptable. Okay. And then from where I am right now, what do I see? I see Typha out of the water. I see.

No? She's not out of the water. I mean, she's broken the surface, but she's still kind of treading water. Her head is out of the water. Do a perception check. Seven. Okay. Yeah, I mean, you see these things flying up towards her that look like mermen.

They don't look like a typical merman in that they don't have hair. They don't have normal features that kind of look normal features. I'm just going to go. I'm going to just hover to her and try to pull her up out of the water. Okay. Do a strength check. So half elf floats over to you.

Athletics or strength? You're doing a deadlift. This is strength. And wait. Okay, so yeah, you get her like pulls more out of the water, but not like with your hover. You're not able to kind of hoist her completely. Does it help if I do that thing like I'm running?

Wrap your legs around me. Sure. Now you're kicking up a ton of motion at the top of the surface of the water. Okay, but then as my bonus action, now that she's hanging off of me, sort of, I'm just going to motor her away. You can start to, but your bonus action was you putting an amulet on. Oh. Oh, well, okay.

I thought that was my main action and then everything... Your main action was lifting. Got it. Okay. And we're not in combat just yet, but we've got to do orders because there's incoming... Got it. Tom. Mage hand, grab the cloak.

Great. So you cast your mage hand and just plucked right out of your hands, Typha. Oh, Tom, you're saving! Troop! Tom, me! Up into the tides Typha. I'm like, oh, Tom, you're saving! Tom, me! Tom! Tom, I'm in the water still! I'm coming for you.

Just getting you clear of the cloak. Hey, Typha. I'm going to need you to do a wisdom saving throw. It's a plus four because you are wise as fuck that's not good all right so um you feel a pair of hands grab one of your legs if you take five points of It feels as if your skin is on fire. Whoa. What hit points are you starting with there? 101.

Oh, wow. I'm fifth level. Holy crap. Tui is up. Why does Typha have five times as many hit points as I do? That's a great question. I don't know. I don't know. Because you didn't roll them.

Depends on the class and stuff. No, my hit point max is 34. How many? Wait, you're... You know what? Give me that. You know what happened? I put your hit points in manually, and then it...

Give me your... I put your hit points in manually, and then when I leveled you up, it added double, I think. Oh, I think that's a good idea. I think we should probably... No. I mean, that's a lot for fifth level. Yeah, you have way too many hit points.

Don't you love those pancakes? Oh, I do. I only half heard you say what the total was, so I didn't know when I took the paper from you just now how high it actually... This is fucking... This is obscene how many... It's like more than I have.

This is because I was rushing it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm going to make empanadas later on, guys. I love those. Yeah, those are really good. You're supposed to have 56 hit points, so... That's still a lot for a fifth level. Still a lot, guys. I love those. You're supposed to have 56 hit points. That's still a lot. Still a lot, yeah.

It's pretty good, but that's... Yeah, yeah, yeah. Resubtract that, please. Hold on to him. Okay, I'm done. Tweed tries to stab at the thing that's grabbing you. He succeeds.

Tui tries to stab at the thing that's grabbing you. He succeeds. This thing lets go of you as Tui sinks his weapon into this thing's arm, and it sort of recoils really quickly. However, there's another one right behind it. I'm sure that's it. And you manage to kick your legs away from it as you see two more pale gray arms just reach out of the water and grab at your legs.

Bodhi, you're up. I'm slashing at the closest one. Great. That's 19 on that one. Nice. I like this ambient. I do too. It's very evocative.

Thank you again, Colm O'Reilly. Colm O'Reilly was in a theater company with me back in Chicago called Theater Oobluck, and he made this ambient noise for a play. Oobluck of the Bartholomew? Yeah, Bartholomew and Oobluck. That's what the theater company was named after. I don't know what's being discussed right now. Dr. Seuss

My buddy Colm O'Reilly who made this So uh Yeah I know exactly what's being discussed That's uh 13 on that one So you lay into this thing And two things happen at the same time

Uh You see your Yeah well I get two more actions too right So you lay into this thing, and two things happen at the same time. You see your... Yeah, well, I get two more actions too, right? Right, but as your sword hits it for the first time, you connect with the midsection of this humanoid size being lifted out of the water a little bit. Good. And you see this pale gray... It looks kind of like a merman, except it has no eyes,

and it has kind of catfish whiskers coming off of its face, and a couple more sort of like whiskery things sticking off of it. Like an Aquaman. It looks kind of like, yeah, like if the shape of the water fish was only gray and not quite so colorful. Do I want to fuck it in a bathtub? It has no eyes. Like that movie.

It doesn't have a cloaca or whatever. If you're a non-speaking factory worker. No eyes. It has no eyes. It's just like a sheer face. And the other thing that happens is you have to do a little quick charisma saving throw. Sixteen. The hilt of your

sword feels hot as you plunge it into this guy's torso. So does the blade, so fuck him. Yep. What are you going to do with your next attack? I have a fire blade. Nice. I'm going to slash again.

Cool. I will say you're not sure if the flame is working too much. Well, underwater, yeah, yeah. I'm still. Yeah, it's splashing around too much for it to really stay that is a 16 on the second one all right is that a hit yeah oh absolutely this Brian picking up his dice roll is brought to you by... With his feet.

Bidohoney! Boy, I sure don't like those fillings in my teeth. Bidohoney! Ten. All right. On that second one. So this thing goes flying backwards out of melee range, and you're going to do one more charisma saving throw.

Okay. As you hack at it again. Probably no. Nope. You take two points of damage as you feel sharp pains in your hand through your sword. And it feels ouchy as you see this thing fly back

and it kind of does like a... It feels ouchy? It feels ouchy as you see this thing fly back, and it kind of does like a... It feels ouchy? It feels ouchy in your finger dendrites as this thing goes flopping backwards in the water and kind of spins around underwater in a swirl of dark gray blood. Mm-hmm. Is there another one close by? Because that one swam out of range.

There is, but you'd have to frenzy, which could cause exhaustion. If you wanted a third attack. But I thought I had a third attack. If you frenzy. And you're in water. Yeah, okay. You're going to frenzy? No.

We'll keep it clean. All right. I'm in frenzy. Esmeralda, you're up. Oh, I am? I guess I'm going to try again to lift Typha further out of the water. Got it. Twelve.

With your strength? I mean, you can hold her pretty good. You can't really get her more out of the water unless you get a higher strength check than that. All right, you don't have to say it like that. I'm trying to be that sexy. I'm just trying to be informative. You can continue to try to move in a direction though. I think you said you were going to try to drag her.

I was going to try to motor her around just with her dragging in the water. You're going to head back towards the mouth? Yeah. I would assume that's the only place you know. Just direction wise. Alright, so you guys see her doing that? Tom? What is in range of his enemy?

What is it? There's something still grabbing at her legs. All right, I'm going to cast Eldritch Blast. Yeah. Go for it. Roll. Roll. 16.

I don't need to look it up, it's here. Yeah, I'm pulling it up right now. It's 1d10 force damage if this thing... I think it's just... It does not fail its saving throw. So you don't do any damage. It didn't fail?

It made its saving throw. So this thing just kind of does a little spin in the water around it. Hmm. You look cool. Ty, figure it out. We're going back to land, right? You're trying. There's nothing I can do.

Is that thing attacking me still? Oh, yeah. Your legs are in danger. Oh, then I swipe at it with my dagger. Great. Roll to attack. Ooh, guys, I got a sweet, sweet three. And now let's see. I have plus 27, so that's a 30. No, I, I got a sweet, sweet three. And now let's see.

I have plus 27, so that's a 30. No, I have plus six. That's a miss, so you stab at the arms that are reaching up at your calves and it just kind of flails. I shriek at it. How's that sound? You mother!

Yeah, don't wake up, Rhodes, but I appreciate the effort you put into that regardless. He's okay. One of these guys, you don't see. The first, the guy that Bodhi has been hacking at, you don't see what he's doing. You just see like a swirl of just like, it looks like ink, right?

Because of his dark blood just filling the water. The one that's still going after Typha. Why don't you just do a little charisma saving throw, buddy? Ooh, 17 plus one, that's an 18. All right, so this thing grabs firmly a hold of your leg, and it feels hot to the touch. And for now, it just has two leathery wet hands just gripping really tightly.

Like sensually? No. Are we like moving through the water now like a weird train? Yes, I would assume at this point. Like what? Hot mermaid. I'm clawing desperately at Ezra. It just looks like a little bit ridiculous.

The big thing. Like a water skiing ridiculous. The big thing underwater, the Tulture, as I have named it, is following you. No. Sure. It seems very curious as to what's going on. I think this thing's chill. You're all... It's going to run out of depth eventually, so it would be better to get away from it.

And next up is Tui. Head to the shallow end of the pool. He tries to stab at the thing that's still trying to grab your legs and misses. Bodhi, you're up. Okay. I'm swimming after that one that's chasing me. The one that's still on her. Okay, go ahead and roll to attack.

I'm swimming after that one that's chasing me. The one that's still on her? Yeah. Okay, go ahead and roll to attack. That's a hit. 21. Yeah, yeah. You still got to get that natural 20. I want to see that brutal critical.

Me too. So, are we at 11 on that one? Yeah. Great. So, he takes a significant amount of damage. Why don't you try that again? So we have 11 on that one. Great. So he takes a significant amount of damage. Why don't you try that again? Yeah. 18. Jesus.

Yeah. Yeah, this one goes flying backwards too, and you guys, for an ever so small window, feel like you don't see hands immediately grabbing at anybody. And I'm not burning, so that's a good sign. No, and his arms just kind of off of your leg for a second as he kind of goes flapping underwater out of visual range. And you guys see sort of what's becoming like a larger mass of blood

sort of over the head of the big guy. Let's swim towards Shallow Inn, like Ken was saying. I'm going to need... I'm trying to look at the different things we got going here. Okay. Really quick, Tweed's going to just do a little... Tweed just kind of zips away from the water. Says, hey guys, I'm gonna just try and light a path for you.

Make sure we can get to the edge of the cave alright. And... Esmeralda, can you please do an athletics check? What you've always wanted. 21 total. Holy shit. Would you please do an athletics check? I think I could probably just jump on her.

Oh, I got it. You wish. I got a 14 plus a 6, so that's a 12. All right. So, yeah, you guys just together managed to just hold on to each other really tightly. Like I said, a water skiing pyramid. Yeah. Yeah, and though you wanted to jump on her, I'm assuming piggyback

is what you meant. I'll climb on her like a baby monkey. I have no problem. You can't quite pull yourself all the way out of the water, but you manage to get no traction or no friction on the surface. And you guys make it a good like 40 feet. Just like down.

Hey, you two do an athletics check. Okay. Oh no. What'd you get? The good number. You're number one. You're number one. I guess I have a bonus.

How do you trip while swimming? How do you do that? I just did I don't know Nine Yeah, what was it? I get a plus eight Okay, cool

I got two And you're just trying to book it, right? Yeah, so 17 So you guys all You get into a nice rhythm With your swimming You two are floating Tweezed, flying

Lighting a path You just can't seem to find your rhythm, Tom. You're doing your best. Your arms and your legs are kicking. And then everybody do a little perception check, please. That I got. Five. 19.

Or no, 23. I got a 19. I don't perceive anything. So, Bodie, you're just so proud of yourself for the swimming. You can't wait to tell Mom and Dad about your great swim lesson that you're having. Bodie was a surfer. Typha, you look over your shoulder, and you notice the same thing Tom notices as he looks underneath him. You feel like the blood is just sort of spreading from those two

fish men and you feel like it's spread I want to say 30 feet underground underwater kind of like a significant distance underwater like it's just sort of permeated a little deeply in the water and all of a sudden slowly but surely you hear this muffled and this phosphorescent pale blue glow appears on the back of the big guy

and we'll leave it at that uh oh dinner time that was episode 20. Thanks to our listeners. Thanks to our Patreon followers. BrianPassane.com for tour

dates. Anything else? Anybody else wants to plug? When's the Mad Issue 3 come out? Mad Issue 3 I don't think comes out until August. 2 is currently out. Please buy my magazine. And Takis, like get those spicy little Takis things.

Those are really good. Try to go buy some Takis. T-A-K-I-S. They're really good. Have you had them? Yeah, I have. There's a burger that, what's that metal? Gorilla Mall?

Yeah, Gorilla Mall does a burger with Takis on it. Oh, that must be new. So if you don't get them where you live, like if you live in the Midwest Mall does a burger with Takis on it. Oh, that must be new. Yeah. So if you don't get them where you live, like if you live in the Midwest and they don't have Takis, just go on eBay and get some Takis, please. Cool. I don't know what the fuck you're talking about.

I mean, they are good, but I don't know why we're doing this. I haven't had them in a while. I like to use them as a straw to drink nacho cheese through. Oh, Jesus. All right, we're done. Thanks for listening. Thanks for listening to another episode of Nerd Poker. You can follow us at patreon.com slash nerdpoker, and you get bonus episodes from there.

And you can also send us anything at P.O. Box 16069 Encino, California 91416 Thanks for listening.