Nerd Poker - Episode 21 - Havoccula

Episode Date: June 12, 2019

It's been a mad dash back to the Time Boat, and now with the entire Ice Five is converging upon the boat in various states of battle damage. Once they're on board, there's a very special visitor who wants to have a word with our heroes.

Hey everybody, I'm Brian Poussin, Comedian, writer, actor, nerd. I've been playing D&D with my friends for a long time. I decided to do a new podcast where we play Dungeons & Dragons in my very own dining room. With my wife, kid, and my noisy dogs. So meet my friends Sarah, Kev, Dan, Blaine, Chris. Now it's time for another episode of Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker. Season 3. Hey, everybody.

I'm Brian Poussaint, and you're listening to Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker. Episode 21 of Season 3. My friends are here, all of them. Chris. Hello. Sarah. Hello here, all of them. Chris. Hello. Sarah. Hello. Ken.

Hiya. Dan. Hi. Dan. Hey. Dan. Hi, bubble. All right, I'll take it.

I don't know how you like it. Blame. It's weird that there's three Dans here. Yeah, I know. I like half of them. Sam's here at the end of the table. Hi, guys. Hey, Sam.

How are you? I'm good. Sarah Paulson. Spirit. She's here. People have no idea. From the silver screen, Sarah Paulson's here. Hey's here. People have no idea. From the silver screen, Sarah Paulson's here. Hey, everybody.

Jeff Goldblum. All right. Here's the show. What happened? Well, yeah. Do we have any Patreon friends? We sure do, Brian. I would like to thank Dolt Supreme of Puppies.

Thank you, Dolt Supreme of Puppies. Thank you, Dolt Supreme of Puppies. That's a reference to the extremely long lore dump I took in episode 18, I believe. That's just like a Dolt with guacamole and sour cream. Thank you, Brian Tatosky. Thank you, Brian Tatosky. Thank you, Brian. Thank you, Ace Bartender.

Thanks, Ace. Great and kiss. Thank you, Doobie Snacks. Doobie Snacks. Doobie Snacks. Doobie Snacks. I wonder what that's a reference to. Shaggy. Excuse me.

Speaking of Doobie Snacks. And thank you, Wasted Profit. Thank you, Wasted Profit. Let's all think about what we did with our tax returns. I saw Wasted Profit. I forget who they played with. Is it Profit PH or Profit F? F.

Oh, Wasted Profit. I thought it was just like Jesus after too much water. All right. It really does sound like a punk band from like 1983. Wasted Profit. Wasted Profit. Last time on Nerd Poker, we enjoyed the benefits of splitting the party,

as they say. I rushed into the microphone and began this recap much sooner than everyone was ready for. So here it comes. As I catch my breath and get meta to cover it. We spent last episode with the half of our party who were stuck up on the airship. They realized a dragon was approaching, tried to use

a fog and a rope and some moonbeams to keep a dragon from descending and I guess attacking the shit out of them. It had a few bumps in the road, but they somehow managed to get all the way down the rope.

Ending with, of course, Tick Tock getting close to the bottom. Halcine plunging into the icy waters. And Dr. Uid flying away like a green goddamn eagle. Back on the boat, dogs are Sturry and Queep are dealing with a very sticky situation, and I'm going to switch to my normal voice because this is getting tedious.

You guys are being confronted by a blister coil weird in a choker. Ha, ha, ha. Go back to the thing. Do it like Reverend Jim. You gave me acoustical dysmorphia that's worse. Choker. Go back to the thing. Do it. Do it like Reverend Jim. You gave me acoustical dysmorphia by criticizing my real voice.

I'm so shaming. I'm going to do this. I've realized that I have to get very stand up comedy here to do some of these great many things. No, don't be sorry. You guys doing so this guy. Oh, do you want to? Oh, no, I'm talking to those guys over there. Oh, don't be sorry. How are you guys doing? So this guy. Oh, do you want to? Oh, no. I'm talking to those guys over there.

Hi. Talk to your friends. I'll stop describing what's happening. As a stand-up, I was helping you. Oh, thank you. Oh, my God. Is it your birthday? Where are you from, sir?

Yes, and yes. Are you from here? You're from California. Do you like it here? I do. What part of California? This part, my living room, my dining room. Did you ever hear? Everyone from do. It's a part of California. This part my living in my dining room Jerry here. Everyone from the living

room walks like this. All right, so you're going to take that shit in the dining room. The choker a again is just like it's called a choker. It's called a choker because not only is it sort of amphibious looking boneless and it popped

out after being flat between the wooden slats it somehow slithered through the body of the boat after the door is open appears its hands are fanned out like a bunch of sort of spiked tentacles uh and then the blister coil weird suddenly appeared. This is made of sort of slushy ice and water with pink and orange flame inside of it. We're going to put dark sir here. Nope, sir. I don't like it. We're going to put

here and then I am going to get hey Blaine. What is Dan reaching into his bag and getting the NPC minis brought to us by why Dan brought to you by underpants. Keep your from directly touching your butthole with underpants and burp cola it'll make you sorry i thought i had one available at arby's oh i know where it is uh shoot to do uh i'm so sorry blaine can you do Another one I'm looking for my Minis in the wrong place

Like a nutty professor Sure thing Dan Lime fleshlight Oh no What Hey you can't tell me The fleshlight ones Have not been flying

Every time you do Fleshlight It's just a terrible image But don't you know By saying that We're now getting To get like A whole show's worth

No Yeah we're just Going to get freebies Going's worth of... No. We're just going to get freebies. Going to get some merch. And this flashlight isn't going to fuck itself. Jesus Christ. You know who hates flashlights? You know who hates flashlights? Goodwill.

They won't take them. They won't take any of your flashlights. It's a whole section. I brought a whole car full once. Here's a bunch of old mugs. Here's a bunch of old VHS tapes. any of your flesh. It's a whole section. I brought a whole car full once. Here's a bunch of old mugs. Here's a bunch of old VHS tapes. None of these fit. I hate references of it, and then I encourage it.

You know what I did with mine to make it more fun is I put a chip of the Micro Machines guy's voice in it. Oh, Jesus, Blaine. Just with googly eyes on the top is fun. Hey, do you remember Kugel, Ken? Kugel? Here comes Kugel with the coo-coo-koogly eyes. You remember that?

No. It was back, it must have been in the 70s, because I was in third, no, fourth grade, and it was America's first attempt at putting peanut butter and jelly in the same jar. Oh, yeah, I do. Remember that? Yes. It wasn't called Kugel, though,

because my friend Jody makes a noodle Kugel that is delicious. No, it's K-O-O-G-L-E. Jewish. Wait, what is a Kugel? Kugel? Kugel? What is a Kugel, then? A Kugel?

That's an exercise. Oh, okay. Why'd you look right at me when you said that? I wonder. He's looking at me. Yeah, he knows what it is. He's looking through you

right at me. He's going to do them too. Thank you, Brian. Those are Kegels and there was a restaurant in Lancaster, Pennsylvania. I'm going to bore you while Dan's looking through

his bag of monsters over there. Impossible. Brian, you saw a bag of monsters there. A very fancy... Yeah, I saw a bag of monsters there. A very fancy... Yeah, I saw a bag of monsters. There's a fancy seafood restaurant in Lancaster, Pennsylvania when I was growing up.

Okay. It was one of those places... Home of Sesame Place. Yes. And it was the kind of place where you dress up and you go there once a year or something. And we went there once and my mother got horrible, horrible food poisoning. Just like horrible food poisoning. And they were very apologetic about it.

Both ends? Oh, yeah. Oh, man. She had shit coming out of her ears. Very cool. And she puked out of her nose a couple of times. It was delicious. But they were very apologetic and very polite about it.

And they said, please come back and we'll treat your entire family to a dinner. It'll be fantastic. So we went back a few months later and we're all your entire family to a to a dinner it'll be fantastic so we went back i you know a few months later and we're all dressed up nice great restaurant and uh my mom takes the last bite of her crab cake huge blow fly under it oh it's the last time we ever went anyway it's a also an exercise that helps you keep you from uh how did this how did we get to here from where we were? Because we were talking

about Kugel. Marijuana. And then Sam said Kegel and I says pronounced Kegel and then it reminded me of this restaurant called Kegel's. Ah, Kegel's.

I missed the thread. So was the peanut butter and jelly stuff, was that like striped in the jar, right? It was kind of striped in the jar and then they had

different variations. They would have blueberry, peanut butter, and stuff like that. I thought it was called like Goobers or stuff like that I remember that or something I do remember that

yeah maybe it was an east coast west coast thing that doesn't exist now it was shit very mid 70s who got shot what happened

Google shot Goobers they were at they were at Peterson's Auto Museum oh man it was really terrible that was because

a cool dangled Goober out of a balcony by his ankles. And which one got shot in Vegas? Hellman's? I think it was Jif, wasn't it? Yeah, Jif got shot in Vegas. Hit it. I would like to apologize. I can't recommend enough.

We're just doing the East Coast, West Coast peanut butter. Yeah, like, I... That's all. I thought it'd be... Hey, you're in peanut pan territory, man. Get out of here, Skippy. I can't rest the controls back. I guess we're just going to crash this out of the side of a mountain.

Do it. We now have initiative to roll, so could you two, just you two. Blaine's ready to go. Sorry, Eagle. You're still a few turns away. Here comes Eagle. Although, we should state,

are you flying to the boat or are you helping your friends? I am sort of circling back to see what's going on with these guys. I can't do anything in Eagle form. Well, you can do Eagle things. Don't let Dan make you feel guilty because you could probably do as much helping them.

You know what? You can soar. Gus is around there somewhere, too. He can fly like an eagle to the sea. But you guys surpassed the time that they spent on the boat, so at a certain point, I could start factoring him in were he to fly to the boat. I think he maybe should at some point fly to the boat.

All right. But we're going to, I think, have to cut back and forth. Kweep, what'd you get? Big fat seven. Brian, what'd you get? For what? Initiative. Brian, what'd you get? For what? With Stark through initiative. Oh, okay.

Yeah. 20. Better. 20. Plus your bonus or that is your bonus? That's including my bonus. Nice. Good job.

Thanks. Chris is the best. Good night, everybody. Trying to be supportive. Keep everybody up. Thanks. Chris is the best. Good night, everybody. Trying to be supportive. Keep everybody up. Okay. Dark three, you're up. Who's behind us? Who are the NPCs in here?

That's Hoshinka. I can't tell you how satisfying it is to spend a great deal of time putting the npcs you're going to use often into a special bag uh and then leaving that bag at home uh but not being able to figure it out until you've gone through all your goddamn hundred monsters that are in your separate backpack divided into other sections well shit uh that standing one that standing drarowas Hashinka the bully wug tipped over or it's a grung it's a jungle bully wug is supposed to be jonkel his leg is bleeding out

and the dwarf turned over is Fegma the half orc who is not unconscious well I will do what is Is there any advantage to Faerie Fire up close?

Not really, right? It's more of a range. No, it's not range at all. I thought it really was a range thing. Faerie Fire enables you to get advantage on all attacks on something. It's glorious. I'm going to just pull it up real quick. Fairy Fire enables you to get advantage on all attacks on something. Right, okay.

It's glorious. So I'm going to just pull it up real quick. And I can only cast on one object at a time? It's a 60-foot radius, I thought. 20-foot cube. 20-foot cube. Oh, it is. You could nail both these guys. All right, well, that's what I'm going to do.

All right, so both of them are going to do a, I believe it's a dexterity saving throw to try to not get outlined in this. So first of all, the blister coil weird is going to roll his. Yeah. It's 60. He gets a plus three. It's a nine.

What's your spell save DC. Where would that, I bet he totally missed it. Spell page. Give me your sheet. I will look it up. Plain. Dan, looking at this, brought to you by Straw.

Build yourself the softest house in town. Flammable. Blow-awayable. Straw. Here's the thing. You can't build a house of straw in Los Angeles. Hey guys. Hey.

Hey, we're back. Oh, who's that? So it only hits the blister coil weird. But the blister coil weird is now outlined in what color light would you like? Blue, green, violet are your options? Green. Great. So pale green light is shining and filling the area.

Any attack you get on it, it has advantage and he cannot go invisible now. Cool. Yes. Great. Both of us get advantage. Yeah. Huh?

Do we both get advantage? Oh yeah. Yeah. So he's outlined in green light and you would know from the way he materialized, he can sort of go into like a pile of water and be very hard to see that water would now not be blended in with the the melted sleet that is all over the inside of this corridor so you would see the water mass

that is this blister coil weird even if he tried to dematerialize so you could if he tried to escape into a puddle you could just stab the puddle okay cool stab the puddle and that's your turn all right i know you're like uh you can move if you want well yeah i'll take a bonus away from the other guy oh no he's right there right yeah oh i'll stay where if you leave the immediate area he will get to take a swing at you unless you have disengaged but if i do yeah because he's right in your face who bad guy blister coil weird the guy you just very fired right oh so if i leave yeah it's called

opportunity attack if you are i stayed nothing correct okay cool i'll stay but if you run away from a guy who's in your face he gets to take a swing at you right uh which means the dragon chose not to take a swing at you when he was right in your face uh so that'll bring us there to yes that was a note to sarah on the previous episode did he choose to or was he too afraid? That made me have to do a thoughtful tuck my chin in and look like Mitch McConnell face. Oh, God. I have a weak chin.

I apologize to everyone who has to look at my horrible face. So then up next is self-deprecating. That dude looks like a Muppet that they went, nah, that'll scare everybody. Put some felt on it quick. Next up is Hoshinka. So Hoshinka is going to go ahead and cast

Dan, looking this up, brought to you by Styx. Build yourself a getaway with Styx. Guaranteed wolf proof. Oh. She's not going to be able to cast that. I thought you were going for the band. So she is going to cast...

It is the band. Better than Kansas. Stix. Cast a lightning spell. I'm Kilroy. Kilroy. Kilroy. I'm the choker.

You know what? I'm Kill Roy! Kill Roy! Kill Roy! On the choker. Tomo. You know what? I had too much time on my hands as a 45, and it was actually pretty cool. I like that song. Tomo. He's going to do a strength saving throw. Nice.

Fail. 21, so it doesn't work. Sky's going to get zapped by lightning, but you see there is more to the spell, and he manages to... The choker, the little tentacle boy, braces himself, and nothing additional happens.

Tentacle boy. Tentacle boy. So that is going to take us around to the choker. The choker is going to try to grab you, Queep. Mm-hmm. Don't let him hurt your beautiful plumage. Stay off of me. Ooh, that is a seven.

So he tries to get you with that and he's with one arm and he misses. Here comes his multi-attack. That is a 22. So he is going to with those sort of spiky tentacle hands grab you

and do five points of damage. Did you say ten tickle hands? He grabs you from behind. What? Ten tickle hands. Ooh, the suction cups.

He grabs you from behind and he is going to slide most of his body into the wall and pin you with your back against the wall. What a dick. More of an eel. You're grappled, by the way. So you will have to try to break free on your turn, which is now.

All right. What is it? Strength? Mm-hmm. Try to break. 19. Yep. All right.

So you managed to break free. Yeah. So pop yourself forward a little bit there if you want. Uh-huh. Just a little bit. Just a little bit, not a full square. But that is your action. You can move. Can I begin my frenzy yet?

Oh, yeah. I shall. So does that give me a bonus action yet? Although, wait, does frenzy take an action? That's a good question. Don't know. Oh, my gosh. And once it's been asked, it can't be unasked.

So frenzy. Go into a Frenzy when you rage. If you do so. What level is Frenzy? I always get two or three. Are you sure you have Frenzy? I trust you if you say yes. We're level four.

I'm pretty sure, yeah. Yeah, it's third level. Okay. To me it's an option, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, so Frenzy um it's a bonus it's when you rage so so i can use a melee as a as a bonus attack okay go for it all right so i will attack yes do it oh wait you can use your bonus action

to rage. But then you don't have a second bonus action to make the attack. Just now? Yes. Okay. So you can be raging and frenzying as your bonus action. Okay. So, yeah. So no attack. Sorry to be a rules lawyer, but I was anyway.

So here comes Blistercoil Weird. He is briefly excited that he can go after Queep, who is restrained, and then he is no longer excited. You know what gets me briefly excited is underpants. Dark, he tries to swing his arm at you and misses. You are up. Okay. How far away is he?

He's right in your face. Okay. Then I will... You see twirling water. I will slash. Like plasma filled with flame. I will slash and pierce at him. Sweet.

Roll that attack. I'm about to. Putting down paper is hard. Yeah, I know. Trump doesn't seem to have a problem making for the New York Times. He's always putting down that paper. Oh, I regret clapping for that. I didn't see where that was going.

Roll your attack. You didn't know that the demonian turned me into a maggot dude. You have an advantage to unwish it. Oh, because a fairy fire Billy. Hello, that didn't get stuck on the side there. Yeah, it was cocked. I was on the floor. That's on the floor. I made that happen with my brain. I remember 2019 when I asked a dog to attack this guy. Creepy carry. That's a...

What's your plus to hit with that weapon? That's the higher number. Oh, that's a 20. Sweet. Nice. Roll a 20. Sweet. Nice. Roll your damage. Okay. E-T-T.

Four and eight. Great. On that, and then 20 okay it's another hit yeah and then let's see a natural 20 no I wish the easy way to keep me appraised of such things is of course to say natural 20 and then a second number. So everyone please do that if you ever roll a natural 20. Oh, I totally will. The word natural makes it much easier for us all to know

how beautiful it is. Another six on that guy. Alright. So you're hacking at this thing and it definitely feels like he is... There's no bonus to it, it's just advantage on the hits. Correct. But you're definitely glad as you hack into him that you're doing two successful hits.

That's great. Here comes Hashinka. So she is gonna... Here she comes. Here comes Hashinka. She's a demon. The end. I always wanted...

You know how Sprite and Chim Chim would always hide in the trunk of the Mach 5? And they would poke their head out every now and then to see where they were? Did they ever do that when he was underwater? Just kill his little brother in a monkey. He could have just opened it one time and they were just both dead. Yeah, there's no release on the inside of that trunk. You see how... It's horrible. It's like a refrigerator.

Open this door. Oh. And run away. What is she doing? Wave her hand and clench her fist. Where are we? The magic castle? Catch. And a stone bowl

floats around the corner and smashes into the blister coil weird's head. A stone bowl, did you say? Take that. She's got telekinesis. I guess. Ate the bowl. Maybe she's making guacamole fresh at his table. A Caesar salad would be nice. Ate the bowl. Maybe she's making guacamole fresh at his table.

Oh. And does a whole lot of damage. You see this thing just sort of top speed hit its face, slow down, and then kind of go thunk out the back of its head and drop and hit the ground. Like she moved it through its head? Yeah. Cool.

Wow. Bowl slinging. like she moved it through its head cool the choker is going to try to yank you into the wall again that was a weird roll that was a 20 so that's a hit you're grappled again and he's going to do another five points of damage to you

and as you are yanked flat against this wall again he's also going to try to grab you with his other hand so he's mean he's really mean that time it doesn't work though good is he grabbing creep from behind again so so you just

dark through see just a tentacle sticking out of the wall and holding against it creep you're up I will try to free my dad see it Dark through C, just a tentacle sticking out of the wall and holding a queep against it. Queep, you're up. I will try to free myself. Yeah, see it. Do I have advantage, I guess?

Nope. Okay. You're held fast, it looks like. The blister coil weird is now up. And it's going to go ahead and try to punch dark through in the face 24 to hit it's gonna hit you in the face for four points of damage all right those are your favorite points dark through your up I am going to hack and slash at this well Pearson slash

okay advantage oh yeah the same thing twice so that's an 18 on both. That's two hits. Okay.

Oh, no, no. That's an 18 on the first one. And then I'll... Damage. Yeah, I'll roll damage first. You should try using a bowl. Apparently that's very effective. I think he uses a jewel now.

Six points piercing. Okay. Roll your other weapon. That's a 21 plus, and I'll roll again. That's a hit, yeah. Oh, yeah, and then that one's a 24. Yeah, it's either a hit or a crit nothing in between throw your damage

hit it or quit that's with an r ken you and i are warging weird right nine on that one think about someone who gives a shit next time so you just you just see uh a creep dark, just make a salad out of this blister coil.

Nice. How would you like this to look as it runs out of the ability to hold itself in a form? Oh, uh... What did I say the other night, the other game? Was it something about salad?

I said soup sauce. How are you preparing this soup, Darkthor? the other night at the other game. Was it something about salad? I said soup sauce. Oh, yeah, soup sauce. How are you preparing this soup, Darkthor? Tell us and then say your wonderful catchphrase. Let me see what... Do a chowder joke? No. Bisk?

You should do a joke before I just say it's over and he's dead. So I hit him. What does he look like? He is water that is sort of taken a golem-like form, and there is flame inside of it. I got nothing. Cool.

He explodes in a splatter of stuff that we waited too long to hear. I imagine Darkthir took a beat and said, yeah, I got nothing. Ashinka's going to try and cut you free? Yes. Darkthor said it, not Brian. Oh, sorry. I said it in character. Killing something wouldn't be the time to make a funny remark.

Darkthor pulls his sword back, stares for a long time, and says, I got nothing. That's what I'm saying. That's right. This thing's hand gets cut off, and the rest of its body just limp, kind of The sword back stares for a long time and says, I got nothing in this kill. That's what I'm saying. That's right. All right. This thing's hand gets cut off, and the rest of its body just limp,

kind of splats. It's dead. You are free. Nice. Cool. All right. Let's get the fuck out of here. We're friends.

I wish we would have fought those guys. I see them right above us. I believe they were trying to drag Jonkel into the water. Fegma was also attacked and knocked unconscious when the sail hit her in the back of the head. So I laid her body down and we snuck down here and I tried to cast a magic lock on the door. Have we heard Helsing good talk before?

Yes, it's just that you do not remember anything your DM does performance wise because it does not impress you. That's not true. She'll be your mirror. As soon as someone... She didn't have an accent when we found her in the tunnel. Yes, that is correct.

She's like Madonna. Yes, that is right. I decided to start dating a french guy richie uh so that is why this is happening uh you are not madonna john annis overheard that in the 80s in boston at a a mall right Some woman was yelling at her daughter while she was coming out of a dressing room. You are not Madonna. That always made me.

So yeah, these things suddenly appeared on the deck of the ship while you guys were gone and they've been hiding below deck for about eight hours.

Junkle's wound is bound, but he is in and out of consciousness. Should we go over? He apparently tried to get up and make some food and passed out in the hallway right before you guys picked a lock and came down. Thanks for the effort. Can we heal him?

Who can heal him? I have no healing. Sure. Let's see. Halcyon or Doctor Who. Go do it in a snap. Sure. Can we get up on the deck?

Let's get up on the deck and see what's going on. Cut to us there. Cut back to you guys. Let's go up on the deck let's get up on the deck and see what's going on there what's back to you guys let's go up to the deck uh hey uh since these two have effectively taken themselves out of initiative order uh except for the fact that i'm tracking it tick tock you are now alone on the rope looking up at a dragon cool why don't you roll an athletics check to try to rappel down these last 60 feet of the rope athletics you say that's a 10 uh cool uh you just barely managed to make it down this dragon is being held back by this gust of wind for a moment but as hal seen hits the water the gust suddenly stops i should probably hit that water then.

You're going to go swim? Oh yeah. I'll push off hard. Seeing what Halseen did, I do it backwards. The boat is about 50 foot distance out. So you're going to try to swim in the icy water straight to the boat? Yeah. What are you doing,

Halseen? I'm definitely booking it for the boat. I'll be clocking her, too. So both of you guys do an athletics check. This is going to be with disadvantage because you are in icy water. I'm going to eat a salmon. Is anybody on our boat deck? Not yet.

So with disadvantage, then I have a five. I got a nine with disadvantage. You guys can't quite close it. You get about halfway there, and you're going to both have to do a constitution saving throw. Cool. We still have our bonus for that? Correct.

You got your bless going. Oh, nice. So 21. Damn. What am I rolling? Constitution saving throw. With that one out of you. Eight. Alright, so you, TikTok, are going to

take... TikTok take. 2d6 plus 4 damage. Blarf. How much? 13 points of damage. Cold damage, unless you have resistance to cold damage. I don't believe I got some cold damage. I have poison and...

Yeah, Warforged has some benefits that I'm sure I will realize when it's too late. Well, I don't think it's cold. Anyway, mark your damage. Dr. Uid, you soar over what you can clearly see are your two friends splashing water, and you see the dragon kind of like watch it all happen and stop. He unfolds his wings and begins flying towards the boat.

You make it to the boat before these guys can swim to it. What do you do? So they're safely going to make it to the boat. You actually can't tell. It looks like it is unclear if they will make it to the boat. Is there any way I can go and get some of the uh uh the rope in my talons and fly it out so that i could fly over them it will not reach both to them and the boat it is securely fastened hundreds of feet up okay and i can't undo those crazy uh drunken

sailor knots as a bird yeah no survival check with disadvantage if you want to try and untie enough knots to drag a rope and get it to them no yeah you just fumble with this rope but it was but you to do that are not flying salmon you're not going to fly the boat then you're so now you're back at the cliff face uh no i'm gonna head to the boat no you oh okay okay yeah yeah i'm gonna go up and i'll try to do that and then when i don't do that i'll So now you're back at the cliff face. No, I'm going to head to the boat. No, you. Oh, okay. Okay. Yeah. Yeah.

I'm going to go up and I'll try to do that. And then when I don't do that, I'll head for the boat. I'm saying you went to the boat. Did you? Did he say he went to the boat? Someone back me up here. No, I went to the rope. I was going to go to one of the one of the knots in the road.

And I will let you do that first and use your movement to give up and fly towards the boat if you want. Okay, I will do that. Okay. You get about a little more than halfway there. movement to give up and fly towards the boat if you want okay i will do that okay uh you get about a little more than halfway there that'll bring us to

hal seen uh nope tick tock uh you're about 25 feet from the boat and there's no clear way to get up on it so i am now going to bring our boat out if you if you can uh get this out of here completely we do not currently need to know what it looks like below deck copy dan get the boat brought to you by bricks cave that fucking wolf's head in with a brick and rebuild your house with straw. Bricks.

I told you straw was a good investment. Put one of you here and one of you... It's a great soft house. It's great. Don't smoke in it. Doctor. Also, don't let horses near it. Doctor.

Or weather. Dan continuing to set this up, brought to you by Pie Quill, the nighttime sniffling, sneezing, coughing head, stuffy head fever so you can eat pie medicine. What are you doing, TikTok? I'm going to swim to the boat, making sure Halcine gets there,

and once we're both there, I will, I guess, try and climb up. Is there an anchor chain around here somewhere? Yes, the anchor the anchor is this side okay that's what i would do where gus is okay the port you're gonna try to climb up the chain what making sure hal seen's there yeah no she's not there okay that's what i i'm my my job at this point is to get me and hal seen to the boat so that's what i would spend if you're gonna make a movement you have to make a choice you can't do both you have to either go to

the boat or to hal seen i see that he's struggling, right? Because he just took damage. Yes. So I'm like, oh, I got it. I got it. Okay. So I start swimming towards the anchor. Athletics a disadvantage.

Disadvantage. Why, Dan, you scamp. Athletics? Yeah. And if you fail this, you only get half the distance. You can make it all the way, but you still have to do a constitution saving throw. Okay. So you can go half the distance. You can make it all the way, but you still have to do a constitution saving throw. Okay. So you can go where Gus is.

And do I have a d4 to that? Am I still blessed? Yes. 17, 21. Great. So you're going to take half damage. You're only going to take four points of cold damage. Got it.

Halcine, you're going to take half damage. You're only going to take four points of cold damage. Got it. Hal seen you're up. Um, okay. So I'm swimming as fast as I can. Athletics with disadvantage. So annoying. And you're going to the anchor chain for, um,

yeah. All right. So you're going to, you can go 15 feet, which is like three bases of your guy, yeah. And you do a constitution saving throw with your bless. Seven. All right, so that means you're going to take

21 points of cold damage as you slow down and the cold finally hits your synapses and sends you into shock. You're going to have increased DC trying to get to the chain at this point. I mean, I'm almost unconscious. Yep. That brings us to Dr. Uwud. You're flying like right above Halcyon right now can I get some rope off the

something off of the thing I'm going to grab some rope in my talons and I'm going to fly over Halcyon and lower the rope to her and I don't know if she's going to be able to pull but then I'll fly the other end of the rope back to the boat you're going to have to do a survival check with disadvantage because you're trying to tie knots as a bird.

18 minus what was the survival? 22. Jesus. Yep. You managed to with your little bird feet tie a knot and lower it to how seen it is like five feet in front of you right here. So bird power. It, so you know, even if you have a terrible swim, you'll reach it.

And if you do a good athletics check next turn, you'll be able to hoist yourself up. Tick tock. You're up. You're the chain is in your grasp. I chain and as I chain, I'm thinking to God chain is not a verb. So can you help me out with what I think you thought that's what you meant, but I also wasn't sure if it was BDSM. Just chain it up.

You get it. Thanks. While I'm doing that, I'm thinking to Gus, like, get on the boat. Get help. We're freezing out here. Road 20. This is what? Athletics?

11. We're going to have to warm these guys up so get ready to set the boat on fire halfway up the chain great halfway to Halcine

do we hear anything from inside no I cast I use a shape water cantrip okay

to push me five feet yes using the flow of water you're instantly at the rope yeah

that's awesome do an athletics check and if you if you beat a 15 you. You're instantly at the rope. Yeah. That's awesome. Do an athletics check. And if you beat a 15, you get all the way up the rope. He had a hat. 11. Oh, wait. No, 11.

So you're halfway up. Constitution saving throw as you pull yourself out of the water. Pip it. Actually, no. You know what? I'm going to give it to you because at the end of your turn, you're out of the water. It's just like TikTok. Then we're going to have...

I believe it's Dr. Uy again. I feel like I've said a thousand times. Apologies to all the listeners. That's all right. Is there... Now, I'm on the boat, I guess, and they're safely making their way up to the... You're flying kind of right over where you dropped the rope.

Okay. I'm going to go shit on a windshield and then land. Where? I will... It's not you. Right there. In front of the boat? Yeah.

Cool. And then I'm'm gonna awkwardly badly cgi back into myself tick tock you're sending gus to the door pixels i don't know where i yes i'm gus circles ahead and is like i don't i don't see him boss knock on the door okay

uh you guys here at the hatch behind you yeah okay there's a disturbance outside. Would you please help our friends? Yeah, let's go. So Darkthor and Queep, you burst out of the doors. You see Dr. Uid posing at the figurehead of the boat for some reason. He's my guy.

I'm doing the Mario Luigi. Da-da-da-da! Oh, there. Is that it? No. That's Ashinka. Can I just get da, da. Oh, there. Is that it? No. That's Oshinka. Can I just get an athletics check from TikTok? Sure.

And from HowlScene. Do you see my guideline? Yeah, he's right here. Dark here's right here. Oh, there he is. All you have to do is beat a 10. Nope. Can't quite get up the rope.

That's Bodhi. My hands are like frozen. Is my laptop set I don't understand what you're asking for music is the cord ready for my laptop to make music one second let's please cut this out because this is way more awkward than I was expecting yes it is

thank you boss I'll put Ashinka back here you gents here. I didn't make it though, right? I did not make it. No, but you're going to be right like three feet. You're getting there. As I get to mine, I'm saying to them, get her, get her, get her.

I'm trying to... Okay. So you're all in that pose as this guy is going to come in. Oh, shit. Right here. Why next to me? And he's perching just on the edge of the boat and smiling as he watches you climb up the last three feet with an insulting look on his face, a piteous, condescending look.

Identify yourself, monster. So again, it looks like his entire body is corrupted by this ice, and his jaw is knocked to the side. He hasn't spoken yet. And you notice when you call that out, tick tock, he locks eyes with you and he starts turning his head upwards without breaking eye contact.

So you just hear these horrible like ice, like bone noises as he stretches his neck and you just see the tissue kind of break open between the chunks of ice that are growing out of him and there's this little bit of fleshy tissue

between that are kind of like like spreading apart like a wound and suddenly it looks like a little mouth and he does one final like not locking his are not unlocking his eyes from your glance look and he just kind of like breaks his neck up and the mouth starts whispering very quietly you have been inside the magic egg. Bring me the gnomish one, and I will let you live.

I'm afraid the gnomish one is already gone. I know the magic one. I know the gnomish one. My watchers have seen the gnomish one. My watchers have seen the gnomish one. I know he is here. He's here? Bring him to me.

Alright. You know more than we do. Don't tell him that. That's the only thing keeping us alive. You see his eyes grow wide. I am very wise indeed. Very wise. Mechanical man.

Yes. But we both know the truth about that, don't we? Tell me. I don't think so. What's your name? I am the Gnomish One. What's your name? I am Havocula of the North Sea.

While I'm talking to him, I'm hoping everybody else is getting in place. Mm-hmm. From whom do you hail? You are pirates, no. We are pirates of the past from a long forgotten time. He cocks his head like even more to the side and there are more loud crunching noises.

Gross. I don't understand. Nor do we. From whose pirate clan do you hail? We are from a new clan of our own. We are the Ice Five. But I must warn you, we're not locked in on it. Specifically, Halcine had issues

but that's fine you didn't like it oh yeah that's fair we're all not locked in I just want you to be clear when you're telling the story later at the moment they were the ice five we're not locked in on it

I have ocula of the North Sea. Hello, Avocula. Command you bring me the gnomish one from below your vessel's deck at once, or I will rip the floor open and produce him myself. I see. Well then, can we go downstairs for a moment to find him?

He waits for you to do so. All right. Everybody, let's go downstairs. Who's the gnomish one? I don't know. The Baron, right? I think so. You guys are going to all head below deck?

I don't really want to trap myself under the deck. No. Who's heading below deck with TikTok? Let's just walk over here, here then we don't have to go down just huddle up well we're just like we need to give us a minute yeah we just have to make it look as long as you make it look normal it's fine like everybody just nod and smile i cast prayer of healing by the way because i don't want to die sure sure um that will cover anybody who needs it yes Let me see what I'm going to do. What is this? You know what?

Has there been any bands at Palladino's lately, Blaine? Is there, huh? Who? Have you been to Palladino's lately? I got so high up in my vocal register, it stopped becoming words. You know, I went on And Night, and it was Jerry Lewis in the news and Huey Lewis in the

the, and I left like five minutes into Jerry Lewis. I had to work. Just eight. Sorry. Eight points of health are regained by the entire party. Thank you. Perfect.

Thank you. So you're all huddled up. I assume you're just sort of in a circle Friday Night Lights style at the doors. So we need to tell him we need to go back in. I do not understand.

I think he thinks we're looking for the, or he's looking for the Baron. Do an insight check, everybody. This seems like you all want to do that. Oh, I did see a tribe called Cher. 21. Is that insight you said? Yes, sir.

I botched it. Oh, okay. Suddenly you guys all see Dr. U had planned his head firmly between his ass cheeks. What did you roll, Brian? 18. Beautiful. At least it's warm. Brian, Darkthor puts together that yes, he definitely is looking for the Baron. roll, Brian? 18. At least it's warm. Brian, Dargthur puts

together that yes, he definitely is looking for the Baron. Wait, I had 21. Halseen figures out that when he says his watchers know the gnomish one is on deck, there is a chance that he is referring to the wounded jonkel and has mistaken

jonkel for the Baron. Oh, let's give him jonkel. Let's bring him up and show him that it's not. No, Oh, let's give him Jonkel. Let's bring him up and show him that it's not. No, no, let's just say it is. I will also say with the 21 and the 18 and you guys just huddling up, you surmise that he's convinced he's on here for some reason. So even if he's not convinced it's Jonkel,

he's not going to leave easily. Yeah, and more importantly, don't we need to kill this guy right now? I don't know. He said he went in, he saw us go in the bubble, right? So he knows that the gnomish one is in the bubble.

So we can just say like, look, we, we are also looking for him. So we'll partner with you and we'll go back inside the bubble. I'll buy us some time to. So try to figure something out. So we can climb up this rope again?

He can fly us up there. That's true. Yeah, he can all ride on his back. So I tray you. Now is the time. What will you do? You lead us off. Must I pry free the little terror myself?

We believe we can help you. You have seen a little one, but we believe it is different than the little one you search for. Show me. So. All right. Yeah, Houshinka, why don't you go get,

what's his name johncle johncle however you search for the haushinka is no problem with it she nods and just starts going below we also search for the one you search for perhaps we can be of service to one another so haushinka produces jonkel and the dragon hauls itself across the deck of your boat picks jonkel up by his unconscious head and presses him up against his eye sure um we've we've a little too long yeah just kind of like is turning his head over in front of his eye it's a cubic zirconia and then drops him gentle

let's have jonkel do is this when the dragon apologizes for messing up our boat so he just falls to the thud and Havocula says my watchers were mistaken what is your

compromise? Perhaps you can bring us back up there and we can search for the Baron. That is who you search for, yes? Yes. Perhaps we can, because we are of smaller size, examine the magic egg.

He walks up to you. Do a persuasion check. examine the magic egg. He walks up to you. Do a persuasion check. A crystal blue one. It's an 11. Wait, do I have this? No, that's persuasion. How many crystal blue persuasion jokes have I done? Like nine?

I keep forgetting if I've done it before. Tonight? Do a strength saving throw, which I do believe you get to use your bless for. I think the bless is probably over. It's like a minute. Is it? No, the minute is the minutes past Sarah. Why would you an eleven all of a sudden his hand crack grabs you and he

pulls you close. Ouch you take six points of damage. And he says, tell me everything inside and I will tell you if you are worth living. Everything inside now? What did you find in the egg I know you spent? There were many magical

items, some of which were buried under trash, which we could not find, but we believe there were signs that the Baron has been there. Do a persuasion check again. God damn it. I make a, like a,

I don't think so, guy's face at everybody else behind the dragon's back two deck saving throw please i should not be talking uh 13 uh you see the havacula dragon throw tiktok to the side tiktok you go 40 feet and slide to a stop near the front of the boat. But cool, right? Yeah. Cool. And it says,

who will tell me what you really found in the egg? I have only 10 hit points, guys. I'm happy to talk, but I'm just letting you know. You don't want to get picked up by the dragon? Guy has horrible bedside manner.

I look at the dragon. Is anyone going to do anything? No, I'll say we found no one in the egg. Hey. But we're willing to go search for you. We're offering you help, so, you know. I find your lack of details nauseating. I know you spent a sunup and sundown within the egg.

I know you spent a sunup and sundown within the egg. If you are telling me you saw only the abyss, I will show you an abyss. We had to rest. We spent an episode resting. Yeah, we were pretty much crashed out in there uh so Havocula flies up he grabs

the top of your sail no and begins raking his claws as he flies very slowly in a hover down uh and causes massive damage against your rear sail I cast command oh wait shoot can I?

I cast command on him and I Tell us how command works according to your card please. You speak one word command to a creature you can see within range. He must succeed on a wisdom saving throw or follow the command on his next turn. It has no effect if he is undead which I was unsure.

Doesn't understand your language or if it's directly harmful to it. He rolled a seven. I say, relax. Relax. He looks at you and he smiles and at about a tenth of the

speed starts ripping very slowly, his smile growing as he finishes ripping the sail open. You get a sense that he feels really good about his chances here. And he finishes tearing the sail in half. Well, now I'm getting mad. The outer edges of the sail are still connected. We had a whole montage where we put that sail together.

You think with some effort you could repair it, but he has given you... Stark just kicked all those rats off this boat? At least a day's worth of healthy, uninterrupted work as a team to try to repair that sail. He slams back on the deck and says... So he's now here?

Yeah. What do we have to gain by lying to you? Can I have some good berries? Yes. He says... I know lies. I enjoy lies. You enjoy lies.

You give me nothing. Oh my God. I fucking hate this dude so much. Can we kill him? Do you know where he is? I don't think we can. I know you have found something. Give it to me or I will take something else.

What are you looking for? He should be feeling very chill right now. Like he had an Ativan or something. You guys are pretty clear he's angry that you have not been able to produce the Baron. If you don't just give him

some sort of failure tax either by flesh or by treasure And if you don't just give him some sort of failure tax, either by flesh or by treasure, he is going to keep destroying the boat or you. I pull out the executioner's axe and say, this thing is magical. We found it there, but I don't know what it is. If you want something from the Baron's treasury, take this.

I have no use for your cursed objects. Well, I can't help that. That's what... You're looking for some sort of proof here. Take this thing. This was up there. Do a wisdom saving throw. At least we know it's cursed. Why do I have to keep doing saving... No, I don't get a

blessing. Oh, that's all over. It's an eight, Dan. As you say, take this. You say involuntarily sex that I actually really like and you place it back on your back. I don't like this at all. What do you mean?

You guys all get the impression that the axe he just tried to offer up is indeed cursed and he is unable to part with it. Oh, well, that's fun uh six six and he just popped out some good berries so okay six good berries so if you guys want in the middle of this you know thing yeah as uh as as you pop those good berries out, the wings begin beating again, and he raises up towards your second sail.

Sir, can you please just take a moment? You want something. We want something. Doesn't it make sense for us to work together? If you destroy our boat, how are we going to be able to help you? It will give you time to sink. No, we'll sink into the sea and die.

How selfish and rude you are. I was going to say the same thing about you. It's kind of funny because I feel like we're on the same page. Persuasion check with disadvantage. Isn't he relaxed? Shouldn't it be advantage? Yeah, doesn't he have like a like a big thick white robe on with a towel around his neck oh my god i say wait i have proficiency in persuasion so

does that negate my actually it does you get to take the first roll it was seven plus three so ten a big smile again crosses his broken jaw. God, I hate this guy. I hate him so much. He cracks his neck back into place so the mouth in his stretched neck flesh is completely hidden behind chunks of jagged ice. And that's where we will end the episode.

Oh, this motherfucker. Hey, Sam, what do you think happened today? I'd be happy to tell you if you're just joining us. Here's my notes for episode 21. Kugels. Peanut Butter Gang Wars is very fun. Blister Choreo Weird is such a good name. Oh, shit.

I forgot about Mitch McConnell's face. The tentacle hands got creep. If he's hurt, I swear to God, I'll kill myself. Brian Slashin. We're cutting hands off and we're free. Uh, the tentacle hands got queep. If he's hurt, I swear to God, I'll kill myself. Uh, Brian's slashing. We're cutting hands off and we're free. Uh, casting bless sounds like something at a reggae show. Uh, Blaine's bird flying towards

the boat, uh, with a rope when his bird claws tick tock and Sarah are thinking or climbing up the anchor chain birds saving the day. Uh, I really like Gus. Uh, oh shit, that dragon is back and he's very smug. Oh, he's gross. Oh, he has a neck mouth. We're looking

for a bubble gnome and I think we're going to try and bargain with the neck dragon and neck dragon ripped our sale. This dude sucks. Let's thank our Patreon listeners and our other listeners. Thanks, guys. Thank you. Thank you so much. Promotional consideration for this attack by Dr. Wolf's Pig Poison.

Thanks, Blaine. Thanks for listening to another episode of Nerd Poker. You can follow us at patreon.com slash nerdpoker, and you get bonus episodes from there. And you can also send us anything at P.O. Box one six zero six nine Encino, California, nine one four one six.

Thanks for listening. You know, guys, I know the episode's over but I just want to tell you I've tried that pig poison and it's great. I've killed three pigs and they were real shitty pigs. Always that goddamn flute and the dancing.

You know, I don't eat meat and it's because animals have feelings and that's why I resent a lot of animals and want them dead.