Nerd Poker - Episode 21 - Pool Party's Over (with Chris Tallman!)

Episode Date: July 4, 2018

Though Blaine is MIA for one more episode, Chris Tallman returns to steer the usually more passive character Typha! And the crew needs the extra help, as they are now trying to escape the deep underground feywild lake with a gigantic beast chasing them. Hopefully they won't get Twee killed in the process.

Hey everybody, I'm Brian Poussaint Comedian, writer, actor, nerd. I've been playing D&D with my friends for a long time. I decided to do a new podcast where we play Dungeons & Dragons in my very own dining room. With my wife, kid, and my noisy dogs. So meet my friends... Sarah Kev Sam

Lee Now it's time for another episode of Brian Pussain's Nerd Poker. Season 2. Hey, everybody. It's Brian Pussain, and you're listening to Brian Pussain's Nerd Poker. Episode 21. My friends are here. Hi, friends.

Hello! Sam, Ken, Dan. Yes. Filling in for Blaine. Again, we have Chris Dahlman. Hello. Thank you for having me. Thanks, buddy.

Thanks for being here. My pleasure. I don't even know where Blaine is. This is the vaguest. Is it Lucha Vivo? He did say it was stand-up, but I think he's on the road doing something. Oh, okay. I don't know what it is.

His manager doesn't know. He's on a walkabout-up, but I think he's on the road doing something. I don't know what it is. His manager doesn't know. He's on a walkabout. Yeah, that's weird. I'm married to Blaine Kipatch's manager. That's why I married her. I know where he is. He's not doing that. It's a private trip.

Let's not talk. Exactly. I know where he is, and I'm going to keep it a secret. You married Blaine's manager, so you could always get tickets to Blaine's shows? Yeah, that was my whole thing. Huh. There's probably an easier way to do that. Well, I asked Blaine, and he said no.

There isn't. He's very difficult. Oh, really? Yeah. Oh, I'm sorry about that. He would never give me tickets. Notoriously stingy with cops. I'll tell you probably what's happening.

She's pretty, too, and she's nice and funny. Your wife? Smart. Well, that's great. Yeah, so she's got other things going for her. But she's got that Blaine ticket hookup, though, right? Yeah, that was the key. Thank God.

Long con. It's going to pay off one of these days. Those tickets are hard to get. That beat the Geeks Tour. Him and Paul Goble, right? What happened to episode 20? Oh, let me thank a couple of these Patreon people first.

Last episode it was my turn to forget. Now it's your turn. We got to thank Or Let's do that first. Last episode, it was my turn to forget. Now it's your turn. Thank you. We've got to thank Orso's Butthole. Actually, I thought we would just do serious ones this episode

because we always do crazy ones. Thank you, Tim Omen. Thanks, Tim. Thank you, Jamie Yukin. Thank you. Thank you, Eric McDermott. Thanks, Eric. Thank you.

Thank you, Christopher Kyes. Thanks, Christopher. Thank you, Steve. Iott. Thanks, Eric. Thank you. Thank you, Christopher Kyes. Thanks, Christopher. Thank you, Steve. I already missed the crazy ones. Thanks, Jan Aniker. Thanks, Jan. Thanks, Jan. Thanks, Justin Yuda.

Turn it into public radio. Thank you. And thank you, Jackoff All Trades. Wait a minute. Now I'm behind this. Thanks, Jakov You guys were doing quite A little gambit

You were trying to retrieve the cloak of Zinzerina A dead evil god Trying to, I think we have We got that shit We leveled up, right? It is currently Glad I got that out of the way I just rolled a one. Yeah, roll those ones out, everybody.

So you're retrieving Zinzarina's cloak, and currently the cloak is floating over the water with a mage hand as Tom doggy paddles in place. You're all trying to get away from this large underwater thing. Bodhi really hacked the shit out of a couple of mer-eel cave things. But that created a bunch of

blood in the water, and it seems to have activated a giant-ass sea monster, which will be... We'll share an image of this bad boy on the internet, so I'll probably give... I'll give the Patreons an early image of this bad boy on the internet I should have just choked him out bloodlessly I'll give the Patreons an early glimpse of this guy

yeah right that's how you do it? you always just choke out? oh man choke out when possible have you watched Tom Lennon's dog hacks? on Instagram it's on Instagram right?

it's the dumbest slash funniest thing fucking ever Have you watched Tom Lennon's dog hacks on Instagram? It's on Instagram, right? Yeah, I know. It's great. It's the dumbest slash funniest thing fucking ever. He's so funny. I know. He should write a movie or something. So you guys have activated this. This thing is starting to glow phosphorescently beneath you. And everyone has done a decent job of putting some distance between it and them.

But you're still a reasonable distance from the shore, or what you could call the shore. You're, you know, a couple hundred feet away. Ooh, that's not good. But you're making, I mean, you would be making good time if not for the fact that you, Typha, look over your shoulder and see

this happening. Tom, you look down and you just see this giant shape in the water underneath you, filling most of your vision, starting to glow, and a deep rumbling hum is sort of resonating off the surface of the water. Can Twee get him out of the water? Yeah, can Twee get some people out? Twee, get him out of the water. There's the ambient noise from Colmar.

So can we do perception? Do we all know that he's, like, is it? I'm going to say, yeah, Typha, how do you want to communicate to the party that there's something? To see the dorsal fin breaking the water. I mean, you only gain, like, 20 feet past Tom. So you look over and you see this is happening, and how would you like to tell everybody?

I'd say, hey, the monster's coming There's blood in the water Shark, shark Shark But you feel like Pip it Shark, shark You feel like maybe you've got a second to gather yourselves

Before anything catastrophic happens Twee, get him out of the water He can't swim! So Twee was ahead of you, if you remember. He hears you guys pointing this out, and he kind of is already thinking it himself, and he kind of does a little mid-air twirl pivot and kind of goes past you guys. Almost makes it to Tom.

I don't like the almost. When this thing heaves itself up to the surface of the water. And Tom, you're kind of lifted up on your bum. So why don't you do, just for funsies, a little dexterity saving throw. Just to make sure nothing catastrophic happens. Oh, you do fantastic. Super good. That's an 8 plus 4.

Yeah, 18 plus 4. It's a 22. So you actually managed to kind of get up on a knee and do a little pose. Are you surfing this thing? A little Dorito. This glowing. You could have sworn it was brown, like a dark red a second ago. But now the flat part of this thing's head

is sort of lit up a pale blue. And you guys see this bright spray just fill your vision. Everybody's. Those of you who may be choosing

not to turn around at this point might have a second to turn away, but it kind of doesn't matter because your vision comes back, the flash is gone, but you all kind of look at your hands or your legs or whatever is visible, and you are covered in like a thin layer of phosphorescent slime. And as you guys kind of try to wipe it off your arms, you notice it's kind of stained your skin, this really bright glowing color.

And it doesn't hurt, but you feel like you've all been kind of lit up a little bit. Keep fucking swimming. Get out of here. Jesus Christ. Get out of here. That thing's as big as a giant cave. As you guys start taking off swimming, you hear even louder.

Yeah, we made it clear to the listener, like, we can't fight this thing. This thing is like the size of a whale. It's gigantic. As Tweed kind of wraps. Its mouth is the size of a whale. I would say Tui can drop the torch at this point. Since we're all lighting everything up. Yeah, he's kind of not focusing.

He kind of puts his arms under your armpits and starts to hoist you up. As he does it, yeah, you see the mage hand kind of like... Does it make those funny armpit farts? Because his hands are wet right and there's like a little little like spray of the of the water with the phosphorescent stuff so you just see this brightly lit like fart spray coming out of the armpit um and but yeah the mage hand kind of dips the torch in the water and type everything gets really dark uh for you except for

all the glowing skin yeah i mean all the ambient lights start from the torch is gone. And you see floating in the, like, kind of below the water but not moving are two humanoid shapes. You think the mermen that Bodhi had hacked up are now kind of, like, gravely wounded under the water. And they're lit up by this spray and you see this giant maw, it almost looks like a big crab claw, rocket up from the depths. It's like the size of a large boat and it just goes kakram over one of these guys. this guy botched his dick and so this guy you just see one of these dark gray eel men

get snapped in half hey guys it's eating and you just see phosphorescently lit body parts and intestines fly across the water as this giant maw just rips into this thing and drags half of his body underwater.

Guys are still swimming? Yeah! I'm floating. No. You're floating. Twee is doing an attempt to lift you out of the water. Can't quite get you out of the water. You're back in the type of position where the bottom's your... You kind of managed to get your feet kind of like kicked off of this

thing and into the water so you're no longer planting your feet on a giant monster um and you notice your rubber running you're trailing a little bit of phosphorescent glow in the water underneath you as your feet kind of dangle in the water but you're moving towards the rest of the party who are swimming for the opening. Yes. I'm assuming so when this thing broke the water. Right now, it's this flat part of the head is right where time was. Right, but did it cause the water towards the tunnel

to maybe swell in any way? A little bit, just a little bit, yeah. Something that Bodhi could body surf in? On what? Body surf. Like surf on this thing? No, right in. Oh, oh, oh.

Right away then. It's what tourists do at Hawaii when they don't have money to buy a surfboard or take a lesson. You want to ride the crest of one of the waves of this thing to try to gain some speed? Yes, exactly. Alright, do an athletics check. Difficulty of 15, and you get to do... But remember, that's one of the things that Bodhi... That was one of his early skills. You get a plus 8,

and then if you make this, you get to do a surf roll. I love the surf roll at Katsuya. It's really good. Oh, shit. So that's just... You get a nostril full of water as you tip forward and you try to ride the crest of the wave,

and nothing bad happens, but you lose some of your momentum. Right. But can I try again? I get two actions, right? Well, this is where everybody do an athletics check, please. As you're just trying to get some distance between you. I got a 27.

Athletics. Can I give her some of my 27? How did you get a 27? I got a 19. He's got an insane bonus on some of these. You're a 14 plus. Typha's got very stilted statistics. Because she was never meant to be played by a human.

I'm good, too. Tweet rolled a 20 on his athletics check, and you suddenly get yoinked a little bit out of the water. And you get a great grip on him. What the hey? What? And you guys all put a fair amount of distance as you see this great maw reach up again,

slam into this other guy. Weren't those guys his friends? I don't know. These guys just might be a part of an ecosystem that doesn't really talk to each other. And from deep, deep below the water, beyond any of your vision, you just see the maw shoot up again, clap onto a guy, break him in half again, and drag him underwater.

Cool. Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming. Do one more athletics check, unless you're going to do something besides swim or fly or hover. Can I get ahead for a second? Is that whatever tentacle thing? Is that long enough to reach us that

even if we get to do... Oh, absolutely. 100%. Yeah, just keep... Nine. 17. Like Ellen says in that fish movie. This is reminding me of Moana a little bit. The bioluminescent. Oh, right.

Did anybody break a 20? Let's see. This is athletics? Yes, sir. That's 20, right? 18. Yeah, plus 8. All right.

Roll one more 20 there, Brian. Oh, yeah, nice. Brian, you all of a sudden shoot ahead of everyone as you body surf on the small wave from this last kill. Cool. So you're getting a pretty far distance, but you also see something going up from the bottom of the lake. From where?

So deep, deep below you. Where last you saw the shredded corpse. So everybody do an athletic saving throw. Difficulty 12. Yep. 20. Plus my...

Oh, so... I'm over 22. All of a sudden, Tom, you notice the thing is aiming right for you and Tweet. This thing comes up and it just sort of very, very windily rushes past one of your arm and clocks Tweet. Oh, boy. Oh, man. Hey, Blaine. You're going to have to roll up another elf.

Doesn't he have, like, seven in his closet? He's only played elves, I think. He is an elf. Tui does not get crushed by it but he loses about half his hit points as you just see him get grazed by one of the teeth in this thing

and he goes spinning away from you pretty far distance and Tom you go sploosh straight down into the water and it is it's ma is kind of like going like like out of the water at this point

just going like crash crash looking for something to bite everybody do another athletics so um you got an 8 Sarah uh oh 13 Another athletics. So you got an eight, Sarah? I did. Uh-oh.

13. Okay. So, Sarah, I'm going to need you to do another athletics saving throw difficulty 10 this time. Yeah. This time you made it? this time. Yeah. This time you made it? 23 total. Okay, so it doesn't collide with you, but everyone notices all of a sudden,

right about where the eyeballs used to be floating, they seem to rise out of the water and crack together like two giant coconuts next to you guys. And you manage to kind of like duck into the water and swim or fly out enough out of distance except for Esmeralda you get just an earful of this and it just kind of like is near enough to you as you're carrying Typha that you get knocked a little dizzy. So you do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do One more wisdom saving throw. Really? Wisdom?

Yep. You're not going to tell me what the difficulty is? Nope. Difficulty two. You're pretty good with that lack of a bonus. Fifteen. Oh, that's enough. Yay! She kind of slides low, but you realize your ears are ringing,

and the giant eyeball coconut's cracked way too close to you. And she can't see this because she's too dizzy. Typho, you can't see this because it way too close to you. And she can't see this because she's too dizzy. Typho, you can't see this because it's too close to you. But Twee sees this. Tom sees this. Bodhi sees this. You see these giant fucking tentacle things with what you thought were normal eyeballs, but now look like just boulders kind of lower back to the sides a little slowly.

And the maw is staying near the surface, but it kind of dips under the water like it's about to position itself to grab something that's been knocked silly. What are you going to do? Just keep swimming? All of us? Yeah.

I mean... I think so. Does anybody have... The ability to speak goblin? I don't know. This is so weird you would say that, because all of a sudden... It turns into Anne Goblin.

A friendly-looking goblin runs to the edge of the river. I am Mitchell the Fisher Goblin. But anything that could damage this thing? You haven't tried yet. Like electrical or... I know, like lightning or anything? I have lightning. Yes, I mean, I have stuff too but

I feel like that should be but is that gonna I think we should try what happens if lightning is probably electrocutes all of us I don't know that's what I'm asking is there a d is there dnd stuff for uh when uh is he shooting lightning over water or into water there's gotta be if there is your dungeon master is very aware of it oh I feel like we should try to get out and then yeah that's what I'm thinking which is crazy

yes it is you guys have defied a lot of things that I thought would happen with this adventure it's very delightful to me and then if we turn around

then we start the trying to electrocute everybody right uh cool well let's keep swimming you're just gonna keep booking it

just keep swimming get away everybody do going to keep booking in? Just keep swimming. Get away. Everybody do one more athletics check for the last stretch. 17. Seven. 17 also. Oh, 18. 19.

All right. Tweet. Haven't seen tweet in a while. Oh, that's right. He got it. Did he go in the same direction as us? Yeah. You guys make it to the lip.

Wait, wait, wait. Did we get a chance to try to go after him? I was knocked silly by the coconuts, but did we get our turn? No one. I mean, you guys, I guess I'll pause and maybe we'll retcon this a little bit. Was he propelled back? Yeah, he was propelled off kind of to the left of where you guys were. He got hit by the Maan.

So you can either go find Tui or go for the opening of this lake cave. I thought we had decided, but if it was unclear about Tui, I just want to make sure we are all aware Tui is not with you. So Tom's in the water. Tom's in the water swimming. Tui's in the corner. Tui's, as far as you can tell, you'd have to do like a pretty significant stop and check to find Twee.

Last you saw, he just kind of went, whew, whew. You saw this little brightly lit phosphorescent coated Twee kind of just spiral away and disappear at about water level. Is Gago down here? You think he waited at the, he kind of cowered it out. You haven't seen him in a while. He can fly, right? So he wouldn't be so. You'd have to call out for him and you're currently deaf.

Tui can fly. Gago. I thought Tui was flying at the time. Yeah, he was. He was, I just thought. You call out and you don't hear a response. Tui. All right.

You don't hear a response. I thought Gago and I were kind of pals. Would I know to call out for Gago? Gago, just for, just a quick, I know to call out for Gago? Gago, just for a quick... I think Bodhi would remember Gago very inconsistent. I know, but if anybody has bonded with Gago, it's me. Because when I've killed him, I've felt remorse. I'll tell you what. Do you want to be suave or sassy as you call out Gago?

Bodhi? What the fuck are you talking about? Suave or sassy as you call out Gago? Bodhi. What the fuck are you talking about? Suave or sassy? I've never been sassy in my life. Or suave. Do you want to be salty? Yeah, I'll be salty. Okay, roll a 20.

You just botched your intimidation. That was a 7. No, it wasn't a 1, it was a 7. Oh, so that's a that just uh oh you you just botched your intimidation that was an intimidation no it wasn't a it wasn't a one it was a seven but seven oh so that's a you got 11 okay uh you hear okay uh really louder though i would say i would i would do the loudest gago voice because you fly over there and look for twee i go look sure look, sure, man. I can't really see nothing yet, but I'll go fly around and shit, but what the fuck is that?

Don't worry about that thing. You still can't see Gago because of how small he is and how far away he must be because you're still like one stretch of swimming away from the opening and he's a tiny little dude, so you just assume he's gone off flying in Twee's direction direction are any of you going in that direction are you gonna keep moving i'm gonna keep moving do you want to drop i'm gonna keep it i'm responsible

for typho right now but if you drop me you can fly back for him if you want to i could but then what are you gonna do swim swim for dear fucking life how How close are they to getting... You know what? You can tell she's a little dizzy type of... So if you want to communicate something to her, you can. But I need you to tell us how you're doing. It would just be like slap, slap. I'd be like pulling her arms off of me.

Like, let go, let go, let go, let go. So what do you think about that? She seems to be very declaratively implying. Are you okay? Can you make it? She's giving you a thumbs up. I let her go and I hover. You go sploosh. And I swim to safety. Now where's the mage hand

with the robe? The cloak. Luckily Tom hasn't really been banged around enough to lose his concentration with his mage hand, but it's, you know, it's at risk this entire time. Yeah, you should not go back for blame. I can't.

No, you do have to. You're all aware. You're all, I would say, yeah, very hyper aware. He's got the baton. I think we're playing whatever because I'm not a jock, but whatever you would do with a rescue the flag or whatever. Capture the flag.

Capture the flag, that thing. Where you're just trying to get the flag as far away from That's what jocks do, right? They hang out and play capture flags? They play rescue. And they kiss each other, too. Maybe the scene in Justice League where the Amazon warriors are

getting the Yes, Sarah. where the Amazon warriors are getting the... Yes, Sarah. I am yelling out to everybody like, save yourselves, get free, I'll get him. You hear Esmeralda go, save yourselves, get free, and you feel like she's having a hard time yelling it out,

but she's as focused as she can be as she sort of dizzily spins off and looks for Tweet. Copy that. Hey, you guys, I'm going to just ask you to do that athletics check you did that I retconned one more time except for Sarah. 23. Million. A million?

16. You did a bad flip. You guys all make it to the lip. Sarah, your ears are just ringing at a high pitch, and you actually see Gago flying and going like this, and Tui is floating there unconscious, head up. He's breathing, but he's unconscious in the water. Okay, so I grab him.

Do an athletics check, please. Sorry, Tui. Strength, this is strength. I forgot. I've got to follow my own rule here. Sorry, I'm going to do my best, Tui. He's little, though, right? He is.

This isn't as hard as it could be. But it still is not. I got 10. That's enough. That's just enough. I need a 10. No, I didn't, because that's with athletics. With strength, I did not. That's enough. That's just enough. I need a ten. No, I didn't because that's with athletics. With strength, I did not.

Oh, boo. So you get him like halfway out of the water, but you feel like you're going to have to like really yank. Okay, well, at least his head's out of the water. Yes. You don't feel like he's in immediate danger of drowning. And as soon as you grab him, you see Gago kind of like make a like, smirk and fly back towards the rest of the party. You guys.

I say, Gago, you absolute motherfucker. Get back here and help me. No, I'm serious. I'm going to try to intimidate him into coming back to help me. Great. Roll a 20, please. And then we'll cut back to everybody else. 20 plus five you see the thing just that was zipping away from you

stop dead and like very slowly turn around its head is bowed and you just see this sort of greasy black hair just kind of like instead of a face because its head is hung in shame and it just sort of its wings just beat it back towards you it's weird ass little moth wings and uh it sort of hovers there waiting for what it's supposed to do next there's a there's a bottle of something good in this for him but but i need him he perks up the shame disappears but i need his i need his eyes on what's going on and i gesture that I can't really hear so I need him to be my eyes. You see him kind of like mouth the word what and kind of shrug and he's just like

he's waiting for you to tell him what to really do. We're flying back. I need him to keep an eye on the thing so that I know when it might be coming up at me. He's flying we're flying. I'm going to be dragging Tui through the water. Use your brain man. He kind like shakes his head And he's like okay

So he starts just flying in a circle around you Kind of looking around That'll work Just look for the claw that's coming up From the depths of the ocean At the lip are we in the water Or we've gotten out of the water now You guys

You three roll a perception check. 25. Jesus. A bunch. 27. And have like a little cold cut tray for everybody. You didn't do that. All right.

So Bodhi, you just see two gigantic eyeballs floating out of the water, like a hundred feet apart. You two guys see two gigantic eyeballs floating about 100 feet apart on these sort of eye stalks sticking out of the water, except you two notice that they seem to have pivoted forward and are very focused on where Twee and Esmeralda and Gago are all slowly making their way towards you. They're all flying?

Mm-hmm. But I'm dragging him in the water. She's dragging him in the water, and they're not making the best speed yet. Fire to the eyeball. They look like they're maybe two turns away. I don't want to be clear of the water. Can I shout? I will shout fire to the eyeball.

Oh, but if you shot lightning above the water, it wouldn't be okay. It would be okay. Like, shoot it at the eyeball because the eyeball's out of the water. Yeah, I could do that. Yeah. You're going to shoot at the eyeball? Yeah. What are you going to shoot?

Witch blast. Witchy blast, let's see you do it, won't you please? Oh, yeah. Witch bolt, I believe. Witch bolt. Witchy blast, won't you do it? Witchy bolt. Make a ranged spell attack against a creature on a hit.

The target takes 1d12 lightning damage. That's the weirdest Charlie Daniels band song ever. No one liked that one. It made a saving throw. So sorry, buddy. You just see this thing go... Past it. Fucking asshole.

Can I shout to Esmeralda? It sees you coming! And Tom fucked up his spell! Hurry! Well, you know what? Let's actually go back a step. It's too far away. You don't think you can hit this thing with a wishbolt.

30 feet? Yep. It. It's too far away. You don't think you can hit this thing with a wishbolt. 30 feet? Yep. It is more than 30 feet away. All right. Okay. What about me? So. That's what I wanted to shoot was the water.

Yeah, you've got arms full of twee right now. And do a perception check with a penalty of two, please. Nine. So you do see that the eye of stalks are out of the water, and they're far away. Okay. So are you just going to keep trying to drag or hoist them up harder? What are you going to do?

I am, do yeah I'm gonna try to pull him up do another strength check then you know 12 all right so you get him out of the water there's a little little elf fella and his fancy pants robe and yeah he's it takes a lot of effort because he left his clothes on he didn't strip down like everybody else uh and you get him out of the water and you're just gonna now you're gonna just try to hover some more as fast as you can um yeah do i have a sense of what happens if you use the bone wand or something on a monster? It doesn't work, right?

You're not sure. I mean, you know this thing does some real nasty shit, but you also... They seem all very human. Well, you know enough about the wand that you think it would react very differently to this gargantuan monster beast than it would a humanoid. Okay. But you do have it sort of tucked away than it would a humanoid. But you do have it sort of

tucked away because it's a minor small item. It's not like a major weapon. You still need to kind of tell me if you're just going to try to do an action. No, I did. I just pulled him out of the water. That was my first thing and then I'm just going to be going. But then for your bonus type non-combat, your direction is... Because my hands are not free, so I can't cast a spell, right?

Correct. Okay, so I'm just going to go now. All right, so you guys see her kind of yank Tui out of the water and head towards you. What are you going to do? I'm going to remind you all at this point, you feel the cold cave air against your skin, and remember that you're not wearing armor.

I'll put my armor back on as I tell them to cook that thing. Can't they do lightning and shit like that? Tell them to cook it. Cook it! Cook that thing! It's far away. It's about 100 feet away. The eyeballs. We're out of the water now. But it's in water. Yeah, we're out of the water now.

Zap the water! I'll use my spell. You're going to zap the water? You're going to witch bolt the water? It's not a cantrip. Are we all out of the water now. Zap the water! Yeah I'll use my spell. You're gonna zap the water? You're gonna Witch Bolt the water? I can- it's not a cantrip. Are we all out of the water? I have Shock and Grasp. Well, I'm gonna say you can take back the Witch Bolt because you before you cast it you would realize this thing is well out of range. So you can try it if you would rather do that than Shock and Grasp. It's up to you. Uh, I think so, which is more powerful. A Witch Bolt I think does a lot more damage powerful. I think Witch Bolt. Witch Bolt, I think, does a lot more damage. Bodhi, do you want to help lace up my armor?

I need an extra pair of hands here. Get my corset just so. Wait a minute. No, I'm going to use Shock and Grasp. You feel Bodhi's thick half-orc fingers lace up your corset. 2d8 versus 1d12. The air just left my body. Oh. I'm casting Shock grasp I'm doing a very

useless roll for the monster for what's about to happen Are you grasping the water? 2, 6 So 6 whole points of damage Four. Are you grasping the water? Two. Yeah. Six. So six whole points of damage. So you see as soon as you fire it into the water, the whole lake lights up with a giant pop.

And it's very loud. Like a like crack sound makes as the the lightning bolt kind of hits the water and it tries to arc its way through the water to this thing but it almost just looks like a shocking grasp of where they touches it right you're firing which bolt right I thought you were doing no yeah I just want to make sure you were rolling the right thing because if you only rolled I thought you were putting your hands in the water. No, no, yeah, I just wanted to make sure you were rolling the right thing, because if you only rolled... I thought you were putting your hands in the water and casting Witch Bolt. I'll do that, then.

Whatever works for you. No, no, no, it matters for the damage you just rolled. Well... Which one did you just roll damage for? Shotgun grass. Okay, then we'll retcon that slightly. It's not as big of an explosive bolt. But it does, you know,

the arc of it does kind of like a little teeny, it gets smaller as it reaches this thing. But you hit it with some electrical damage. This thing that has way more than six hit points. Are you sure you didn't double roll it? Maybe it only

has like 20 hit points, but you accidentally made it. Well, I mean, it has... I will say this. It's got... It's a very sensitive beast. It's got a couple of things on it that are very well armored. But... I can keep this

spell going. You can? Okay. I can keep my hands in the water each time I get 2d8 so you notice as the electricity hits this thing and as merall the just one turns worth gets closer to you uh by 30 feet uh it it does seem to quiver just a little bit when you hit it. And I would say do a perception check. Come on. The one time.

It seems to ever so slightly react to the lightning. That's good. Anybody else? Last chance before we're back to Esmeralda. No, I armor up after he... I'll help him with his buckles and such.

No, I'm good. A couple pairs of eyes on the thing. So you guys do that. They get clothed. Esmeralda, you see Gago just zip into your vision and start pointing furiously to your right.

Okay. Is there anywhere... So Tui's still out, not down. Is there anywhere for me to put him down that's not in the water briefly? You're still about 60 feet away from the shore. Because I have these spells too, but I can't cast them. Are you strong enough to wing them? Do a perception check. Go half the distance and just throw them.

19. You notice that some electricity is arcing in the water towards this thing. You also notice that there's something in the corner of your vision to the right that wasn't there before. What is it?

Floater. You turn your head to the right and you see that those two eyeball coconuts are rushing towards you. Kind of like the size of two buses. How far away are they? Okay, I'm going to try... One of them is kind of like moving fast and was already not that far away.

The other is kind of like reaching over like it's trying to catch up to the one that's close to you. I'm going to try to put Tui around my shoulders like a shawl. Put Tui around my shoulders like a shawl and cast... I already love this so much. This is amazing. And I'm going to allow you to roll for this based solely on how thin and ridiculous Tui is. And cast Witch Bolt no, Chromatic Orb

with Lightning into the water. Alright, so first please do a Strength check. Oh, well, this is where this whole planet is going to immediately fall apart. No, you got this. You got this. Oh, you know what? My Strength... I was using

this, but are these saving throws or are these checks? Which of... This is different, right? That's a bonus. That bonus still works for strength. But do you know what I mean? Like, if you're saying check... Yeah.

Sorry. This is a check, not a saving throw, yeah. Yeah, okay. So you get a plus two, not a plus five. I've been doing it right. Sorry about that. You've been doing it right. You're smarter than you gave a saving throw, yeah. So you get a plus two, not a plus five. Sorry about that. You've been doing it right. You're smarter than you gave yourself credit for, Sarah. Twelve.

Yeah, so you get them over your shoulders. And time for that chromatic orb. Jesus Christ. And you are choosing lightning damage, correct? Yes. I saw chromatic orb open for guar. And you are choosing lightning damage, correct? Yes. I saw Chromatic Orb open for Gwar. And I think Chromatic Orb is a ranged, like it's an attack, right?

But if I'm just shooting at the water, then it should be like an automatic hit, it feels like. Well, something's about to happen. Automatic enough. Roll 3d8. This is a first level spell though, right? Yeah. Then it's 3d8. Your buddy did a good job.

C-O-L-M, Colm O'Reilly. Thanks, Colm. 19 total. Gosh. Boy. So as you cast into the water, you feel like these things are right about to clap, and all of a sudden they fly backwards really fast to the point where you get hit by a big gust of wind as these things pull away from you.

And this thing shakes. The whole thing seems to quiver underwater. And the water seems to boil for some reason. Yay. As something seems to be ejecting itself out of this thing underwater. It does not seem... Everybody do a perception check. I got 12.

I don't know shit or think about things even. So you're not sure what's happening exactly, but the eyestalks are underwater and the water seems to be boiling. Great. Back to our crew on the shore. There's water rushing past your ankles as all of you are trying to keep, you know,

you don't have to roll for it, but you're trying to keep your footing because your feet are kind of in the water. There's no dry place to stand here. Once they make it back to shore, what's the plan? Do we just get the hell out of here? Yeah. So should we just hustle up? So are they not being electrocuted? No, because it's not arcing up past the, it's not arcing up the waterfall, really. I mean,

it seems like the best thing we can do is either be right at the edge to pull them or get right next to the exit to book out. Can you say that in the microphone for us. I'm keeping my hands in the water. Can you say that into the microphone for us? I'm keeping my hands in the water.

Okay, one more time in Tom's voice. I'm keeping my hands in the water. And you guys are going to book it up? Yeah. I don't know. If he's staying there, my instinct is actually to stay with him and kind of watch his back, like family.

Tom, do a dexterity saving throw. Difficulty 15. That's a 3. Alright. You do have a decent dex bonus, I believe. Yes. Oh hey, what's our website

where all our shirts are? You're asking me? I know why. We didn't do an ad earlier. We didn't do an ad. NearMintMerch.com. Yeah, there's actually a Bodhi shirt available now. Slash Nerd Poker, yeah.

As drawn by Sean Bryant. Yeah, it's fucking awesome. Available in three colors, blood red, gray, and black. Mm-hmm. Fucking awesome. Available in three colors, blood red, gray, and black. Tom, you take 12 points of damage as you realize the water seems to be made of acid all of a sudden. Oh, shit.

And your hands feel numb. Oof. Okay. So knock the little 12 off that HP This is just a not to retcon anything But which bowl which is what he used Or did he use shock and grab No he went with shock and grab and put his hands in the water

Yeah that's exactly why we did this But thank you for keeping track Cause we had to retcon Cause I thought he did which bowl Yeah I get it Alright Sarah will you please do an athletic stroke

excuse me 24 you managed to keep a real good grip on tweet as you fly half of the remaining distance back to the shore. What you guys going to do? Tom, you keeping your hands in that water? Don't think so. All right, you go zoop.

Yeah, if he pulls his hands out, shouldn't we just get close to the exit? Maybe. Yeah. Yeah, let's get close to the exit. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Let's get close to the exit. Okay. So we're ready to get to the exit. So you kind of just gather up and it looks like Esmeralda's doing a very solid job of

floating closer and she should be here any second. Okay, cool. Anything else? Should we cut back to Esmeralda? Put my armor back on. All right. Finally, Tom put some pants on. Hey, Esmeralda? Put my armor back on. All right. Finally, Tom puts some pants on. Hey, Esmeralda.

It's too bad. What are you going to do? I mean, I'm still flying. The water is boiling. Yes. Is there a path to fly that makes it less likely that we would drop directly into the water if we fell? Do a perception check, please. This doesn't usually go well, but...

Three. I mean, there's sharp rocks kind of sticking out near the shore a little bit. Yeah, I guess we just keep going. I'm going to hope for the best. All right, do a dexterity saving throw, please. 14. Great. So you see he's been kind of floating over here.

You see Gago kind of like point and go, and you manage to kind of like turn to the side as the maw kind of shoots out of the water past you and it hovers in the air. One more athletics check, please. 16. And, uh, you managed to make it to the shore just as the maw crashes into the water behind you. Nice. Everybody, please do a dexterity saving throw.

Difficulty of 15. I failed. I got it. Typha, you take nine points of damage. Esmeralda, you take six points of damage. Twelve. You failed, Tom. Yeah.

You take... Oh, for the love of God. I'm dropping dice everywhere. It's a circus. I just made it, by the way. Tom, you take eight points of damage as you all get hit with a big splash of water that burns your skin.

Fucker. This is good for your pores, guys. Blackheads can right out. Did anybody, uh, remind me, who got more than ten points of damage just now? Anybody? I got nine. You got nine? What did you just get?

I don't know, I just... Let me find the dice. I think, uh... I have 11 as my last dice roll. Uh, Tom... Yeah, yeah. Your armor is bubbling. Nice.

So you're going to go chuck it? Yeah. So you dispatch your armor and you get farther up the river and take a quick breather. And Tui's still unconscious. Did I get my armor? This thing is...

Do a... Wouldn't we grab that for her to sort of yeah they would they have it yeah yeah yeah they wouldn't leave that shit they had so much time to dick around up there after they got their own armor on especially these two who weren't casting spells in the water you're fine we didn't dick if that's what you mean no but you actually i felt like there was a kind of a romantic moment between i don't know if this will hold canon wise i don't know bode's got his hands all over me i mean bode was just let's just say uncharacteristically friendly to typha i don't know about that it felt like i mean the way you helped her get dressed all right i mean it was like a it was a it was a quiet gesture i feel like he was not dressing me with his eyes. I feel like he was keeping me undressed.

He kept smelling your head, though. That's what Brian said. So we'll say nothing really happened between Typha and Bodhi, but Typha, if there's something you want to say right now. Oh, my God. You know, I just put my finger to his lips and go, naughty, naughty. So you guys make it. I hack his head off.

You make it pretty far. Her head. I forgot. You get a good jog up the river, and then the water turns into sort of rapids. And, you know, because only one of you can hover, Esmeralda, like you guys are all kind of stuck. Because if you go any farther, you think you'll lose your footing. The water is, there's no real shallow enough part of this underground river

where you can continue to stomp upstream without falling down. And Tui is not waking up. Can we use the portal to get us farther? Oh, yeah. Because the first two worked okay, right? Because we used one upstairs and then one to get down. I don't know where we are on portals. Well, we closed the last round.

Oh, okay. And also there's two different portal ones. You have two portal staffs, both of which, as far as you know, are inactive. Real quick, catch them up. Chris, they've acquired a couple of stabs that seem to be able to create a series of portals. Seems like now would be a good time to test one of those out. We need an exit portal somewhere. Well, if we can see far enough, if the issue is that we can't move through the stream,

we can do a portal to portal just to get farther up. Is that possible? We'd need to be able to see it, obviously, or aim for it. Alright. So tell me what you're going to try to do physically with the staff to cast this. Open portal near us.

Real close? Like, are you going to do it over the water, in the water, or against the wall of the cave? Against the wall of the cave. Okay. You were about to say something, Brian? No, no. All right, so he waves his staff. As far as my eye can see.

And, yeah, just kind of, what opens up there, right next to you, like within a couple of feet, and then you're trying to just go way up the river. As far as I can see on the wall. No, we're trying to go back up, right? Yeah, right now, if I may borrow your math real quick, Brian, you guys feel like you're only, like, there-ish. But we're trying to go there.

You eventually, I would assume, want to get all the way back up here. Yeah, I thought we had to go like this. And I'll say, too, because the rapids sort of come with an incline, you can't see very far up the tunnel, Tom. But as far as you can. You feel like as far as you can is still in rapids. If we wake up Tweed, can he carry us? You wouldn't have done the first one?

Are you sure? If we couldn't see a place past the rapids, it doesn't make any sense. Well, let me just say that you're still hovering right you know you could take the staff farther up the river yourself that was actually a dm thing that you've just given us because no none of us no i think i think esmeralda would know i think esmeralda would know like you could at least fly the fuck up you could try to i mean you don't know a lot about your hover spell right now but you feel like you can negotiate over the water pretty close to at least the waterfall. It's pretty cool that you did not call me

directly dumb, because I absolutely was foolish of me. It's just starting to become an incline. It's hard to see around this bench. No, I get it. You're doing this in a nice way, but the truth is that I fucked up. Wow. It was dumb of me.

Sarah, I would never say that out loud. However, the private message word that every other player in this game has to talk shit about you will be very active later this evening. Yeah, the group text that doesn't include Sarah. Cool. Well, you can find another ride home. It's called Stick to Sarah. Wait, wait, no. I forgot you're my ride home, Sarah.

Wait, I forget. Yeah, so you think you can pretty easily hover up the river like half a know, like half a mile. I'm gonna absolutely go as far as I can and maybe even back up to the... So, you guys all see Esmeralda take the step... Are you not retconning the first opening? Yeah, yeah. Because that's where everyone would get into this. First I'll be there.

So you guys just see a blue opening, rip open in space and time, just like along the wall and she kind of starts to float out of vision. Oh, before I leave, I say, if we're still within in space and time just like along the wall and she kind of starts to float out of vision oh before i leave i say um if we're still within yelling distance i'll yell and you guys can put something through something non-organic or something that is not us to test it and i'll yell back to you if it works before we actually go through it right so you can tell them that but how they respond specifically is difficult because your ears are still full of my pitch.

You just see a bunch of Charlie Brown trombone grown-ups. You can actually just yell directly through the hole. Really? Does sound travel through the portal? I think she would at least think to try it. You've honestly... I never think that's how portals work. You haven't experimented with it too much, but you've all traveled as a group through one,

and I think you would all know to try it. Well, once again, I guess we're just going to talk about Toma. You are learning a lot of lessons tonight. No, I'm just, you know. Your character's smarter than you. No, it's just that there's a lot going on, and I want to make sure that we all remember what happened a month ago last time we played.

So why don't you do a perception check, and I'll tell you what you see, Sarah, as you split from the party. Um, 12. The ambient noise is getting a little hard. It's starting to make weird noises now. There's a dog in there. I don't like it.

That's that heffalump that we left back there. Uh, what'd you roll? 12. Alright, so pardon me while I transition where'd the noise go uh well at this point i would need to uh run a different noise i don't have ready but it's just loud crashing at this point it's it's loud loud loud splashing you see there is a rocky outcropping um i'm gonna you left twee with those guys, right? Yes. He's propped up against Bodhi or over Bodhi's shoulder. Bodhi, how would you pose Tui if you had to handle

his unconscious body? I would fireman's carry him. He's doing what you did earlier, except he's larger, so it doesn't look quite as fashionable. Fox boa. Give him some boulders. What? Give him some boulders. What? Give him some boulders. I don't get it.

It's going to be an over-the-shoulder boulder. Oh my god. Oh, here's a shamwow for that sweaty joke you just made. Holy crap. You see there's a rocky outcropping enough for the whole party to sit on, but then it

becomes sort of a vertical shaft. And as you sort of test out your hover power, you're having a hard time really going much more up this waterfall. Is the shaft where we came down? Yeah, but it's a waterfall that goes very high and you just don't think you can. Can I see at the top of it so that I can? There's kind of a bend in the waterfall too. Like you can,

you can see very high up this waterfall and you think maybe even most of the way but not all the way can we mountaineer our way up you feel like you could definitely use this staff to create a portal and get everyone sitting on this rocky outcropping however do an intelligence check 14. You put it together that some dangerous stuff happens with these portals, and you'd have to be very careful with where you place the portal in relation to this rocky outcropping, or everyone might get shredded or sucked in. Well, I know.

That's why I remember, though, that the last time the first two worked, it was the third one that should have been a shredder, right? Mm-hmm. No? That's not what happened? It's not that the third one should have been... It was closed. Right. The third one starts

sucking stuff in, and then the fourth time starts pushing it out. We thought that the first two worked fine. Yes. Worked as they had before. I see what you're saying. Based on the intelligence check, you know that that the first two worked fine. Yes. Worked as they had before. Yes, but I would say... I see what you're saying. Based on the intelligence check, you know that doing a third swipe,

you might want to be far away. I got it. Once we want to close it, we have to go through a couple of bad ones to get there, and stuff starts sucking in and blowing out. And again, based on the intelligence check, Esmeralda definitely remembers

that she might want to wake up, like Tween, maybe try to get everybody up the shaft or something before she swings the staff. Yes, I got it. Yeah. So, you going to do it? Even Sarah got that one. Yes.

Great. Cool. So, I'm talking through the portal and be like, this feels real dumb. Can you guys hear me through here? First, you wave the staff. And in a human voice, everyone hears, zoop. And a second portal opens up and it's as if

Esmeralda is right next to you. You see a waterfall. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And she says that. Hey. Oh, hi. Okay, so you want to throw something through just to make sure? Sure. I will

throw something through. How about some meat? Because then I feel like it would be good to know what the portal does to meat if it's something bad. What kind of meat do you want to... Do you want to maybe grab some meat from your backpack? Yep, just some rucksack meat. Standard rucksack meat. You can just chuck it through? Yeah.

Seems fine. Yeah, seems fine. Come on through. Everybody do a dexterity check. Do a golden tan. Oh, you aced the shit out of that one. Dex? Yeah. You just rolled a one, didn't you? I know I did, but...

I rolled a two. Yeah, that's just a two. Did I help this guy um so uh you guys all make it through the portal and you kind of manage you can't get your your whole bodies on there you all kind of have to sit on this rocky outcropping and as you pass through the portal uh you just feel twee kind of slip off your shoulders oh no and you hear a splash behind you. I gotta grab him. I gotta go back. Using my dexterity

I try to grab him. Alright. Do a dexterity check. Difficulty 15. Because I was super dexterous coming through. Dexterity 15 check. You can almost reach him.

Can I grab him? Dexterity check difficulty 15. 14! Nope. All of you are sitting on this rocky outcropping and you're reaching through the portal. But Tui is behind Bodhi. He's fireman.

Wait, with my danger sense though, can't I do that helps me with Dex? That's right, you get advantage. Oh my god, you get to roll one more time. Yes, that's what I'm saying. So as he begins to slip off your shoulders, this happens. That would be... It's Dex or athletics.

You wish it was Athletics. I know I do. Try to will it in a happening. All right, so... Sorry, this is the dickiest thing I could say. It was 15. Yeah. I'm four short.

Yeah, so... Oh, fuck. Yeah, just Bodhi kind of like goes, whoa, whoa, whoa, and like sees it happening and reaches. And we all go, whoa, whoa, whoa. And you see the elf just kind of splash. I'll say because you have hover, you would reach too.

Yeah, well, I give someone the staff, and then I just am going to grab them. Roll a 20, roll a 20. You get, I would say, like a plus three bonus because you've got hover going. So 19 total. You get him. Everyone tell

Blaine how much I literally carried him through this episode. He almost went floating into an acid lake. And yeah, do one more dex check. Can we wake him up? Oh, that one was not good. What was it? Was it under a 10?

Do I still get the plus? Yes. Yeah, you're hovering. Still yes. It's under a 10? Yes, it is. So you're being pulled farther away as he's rushing down the river and you're trying to yank him out of the water. It's a Buster Keaton movie now.

It's like each person's going to come back through the portal and get dragged down. Because it's rapids. I mean, the water is flowing really hard, and he was in it. So his cape is just getting caught up in the flow of the water as you're trying to tug at him. I'm going to throw, unwind the rope and throw a rope to the dudes up there. Great. Dexterity check.

Difficulty 10. Do I get a plus 3? No. Not for throwing rope. Hovering doesn't help you throw a rope. It just helps you reach. Nineteen. So you guys all see very clearly she's got her rope and she tosses it.

I'm grabbing for it. Bodhi grabs it. Bodhi, do a strength check difficulty of ten. Oh, dear. Wait. I was also grabbing at the rope. You do get a pretty decent bonus, but you just rolled what's called the lowest number possible. Wait. I was also grabbing at the rope. You do get a pretty decent bonus, but you just rolled what's called the lowest number possible.

No, I know. It was strengthened just at eight. I mean, you grabbed it, no problem, but it just kind of like, and they're pulling. Can I help him? You can try, but what's just happened is time has passed, so we have to have Esmeralda do another dexterity saving throw this time. Difficulty of 10.

Sorry. Hey, I mean, you're trying some tricky shit. I've got to be real. 18. This time you right yourself, and you're able to kind of like reach and pull yourself a little bit. Bodhi, why don't you just do one more strength, strength, difficulty 10? Yep.

So you get all pulled through, and you're on a rocky outcropping now. Jesus Christ. Bodhi. That was harder than the monster. You manage to kind of prop Twee's unconscious body up on this rocky outcropping, and you see the little portal leading to another part of the river in front of you where the rapids are a little quieter but intense enough to yank on everybody.

And you just sort of are like, oh shit. There's a big vertical shaft ahead. Everybody do a perception check. Watch your mouth. I'm just talking about a big vertical shaft. 19. What is this?

Dex or? Just a good old-fashioned perception check with a secret amount of stuff happening. 30. You really have a 30, too. That's insane. I'm perceiving it in another dimension. So anybody who got above a 20 got to see this. Another dimension.

Is it just? I got a 19. Another dimension. Just in? Yeah. And him? Me. And, you know, by the way, Gago followed you the whole way, and he's quietly kind of hovering nearby. Tom, as everybody's kind of trying to get a grasp of their surroundings

and everyone's kind of going through their bags, Typha, you're about to notice something, but really quick I just thought of something kind of obvious. Will you do a quick wisdom check? 19 plus 23. You kind of instinctually just stick your hand in the bag that you have full of supplies and immediately go, oh, of course.

And your hand comes out without even you thinking about it, and you're holding smelling salts. Great. I wake him up. Cool. So you start administering the smelling salts, and he kind of starts to wake up. As Tom, you look up, and way, way up, way, way up the vertical shaft,

just where the waterfall kind of bends out of vision. Yeah, up there. You see what looks like a drow clinging to the wall and staring at you. What the fuck is that? Just kind of clinging to the wall and not moving. Who's that? Do we remember? You see a little puff of vapor just out of its mouth.

Vaping drow. It's just staring at you. All right. About 200 feet straight up and just staring at you. There's a vaping drow up ahead. And we'll stop there. That was episode 21.

That was a lot of fun thanks Chris for filling in for Blaine well Blaine not filling in but yeah being the extra person in our party Typha's great I highly recommend this character

yay thanks everybody yeah once again please check out the new Bodhi shirts that's great we should do like a proper thing to stick in the episode before this cool and of course there's the regular nerd poker design we have

dice bags coming up again new ones right yeah we're never done them for this show we didn't the old show we did we're getting some samples of dice bags so we get you the coolest ones we're working with near mint near mint merch dot com is that

near mint merch dot com slash nerd poker they've been great I love the shirts they're doing yeah we found those guys through Rick Remender

they're super good I forget I think they go in big boy sizes right I know at least I sure do yeah yeah yeah they're ready for nerds

this is a D&D podcast. I want to shout out again to John Smith who drew the picture of the monster and shout out to Calma Riley who gave us the ambience. Yeah, thanks, Calma. That was great. Thanks, everybody.

Bye. Thanks for listening to another episode of NerdP nerd poker you can follow us at patreon.com slash nerd poker and you get bonus episodes from there and you can also uh send us anything at p.o box one six zero six nine encino california nine one four one. Thanks for listening.