Nerd Poker - Episode 21 - The Lost City

Episode Date: September 6, 2017

Now that our heroes have their own real estate on the evil island of Amynna, they're packing their bags full of dark weed and heading to the headquarters of the wood elves (WOOD ELVES?) to recruit them in their quest against the Demelith. Will Twee get some NPC's high? Will Tom take a wad of sentient sap to the face? Will Bodhi experience the same cruel fate as another of Brian's characters? Only time will tell.

Hey everyone, it's Brian, and Ken, and Dan, and Blaine. We love giving you somewhere to not think about the real world, but this week the real world has been really rough for some people, and they need more than a podcast. If you have anything you can donate to the people of Texas in the wake of Hurricane Harvey, we really want to encourage you to. If you haven't heard of them, we really like Team Rubicon, a nonprofit that turns combat veterans into crisis first responders. These guys are true warriors for good, and you can help them out by visiting and donating at TeamRubiconUSA.org. That's TeamRubicon.org. B-I-C-O-N dot org.

O-R-G. Org. Oh, thanks. We're also big fans of the Houston Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals. They're saving animals

all over the Houston area, and you can help them out by visiting and donating at HoustonSPCA.org. That's HoustonSPCA.org. How do you spell it? Org, Blaine? Uh, S-P-C-A. No. Thanks, guys. Now, here's our podcast. Hey, it's Brian Poussaint.

I used to have a podcast where I played Dungeons & Dragons with a bunch of my friends. I missed it, so I decided to make a new one. It's called Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker. It's myself, a couple of my buddies, Blank and Patch, Dan Telfer, Ken Daly, an occasional guest or two, and we're going to be playing in a new setting, my dining room. Each week you'll hear my wife, my son, my dogs, and we're going to be playing in a place that I love and playing the game that I've loved half my life, Dungeons & Dragons.

We've got fifth edition, and we're ready. So are you ready? Here's Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker. Hey, everybody. Straw's cheaper, grass is free. That's Brian Poussaint.

You're listening to Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker. Hi, friends. Hi, Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker. Hi, friends. Hi. Hey. Hi, Brian Poussaint. Ken Danblane. Episode 21.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. One, one, one, one. Yeah, episode 21. We did it. So one more and we're going to call it a night. Thank you to the following Patreon subscribers. Yeah, we're going to do that? Yeah, let's do it.

CN Eisenhammer. That's a great one. Cian Eisenhammer. Fantastic. Spelled C-E-A-N-N Eisenhammer. Hey, Cian. Thank you. Cian Eisenhammer. Fantastic. Thank you, Margaret Snow.

Margaret Snow. Good one. Thank you, Joe Moracle. Joe Moracle. It's a Moracle. Hello, there is spectacle. Joe Moracle. Oh, my God. Thank you, Kate.

Thanks, Joe, for having that name to make Blaine do that. Thank you, Cave Art on Facebook and Instagram. Thanks, Cave Art. Cave Art. K-A-V-E, art, one word. Cave Art. Thanks, Cave Art. Oh-A-V-E Art. One word. Cave Art. Thanks, Cave Art. Thank you. Phone notification for Brian

Posehn. Phone notification. Thank you, Anson Contreras. Anson Contreras. Happy days. Great name. Anson Williams directed an episode of Sequest DMV. Really? I was writing a sketch for Mad TV and it was an episode of Sequest DMV. Really? Yeah.

I was writing a sketch for MADtv, and it was going to be Sequest DMV, where they had to go. But I watched an episode. It was Anson Williams directed. Oh, okay. And Anson also argues with whatever side you're on, he's on the other side. He's very contrarious. Hey, Andrew. This is less than.

I didn't even hear Blaine's riff because I was loading mine up. Yeah, yeah. Hey, Brian. Welcome to my world. What happened? Who else? Let's do one more. Thank you. Diana Griffin. Diana Griffin.

Diana Griffin. Griffin Thanks Diana And also thank you to Elderwood Academy Oh yeah This is This is a beautiful sponsor you guys We got spellbooks Touch my tower Get the shaft

Tickle the tray I know Your dice It doesn't always have to be about It doesn't but What's shut? Tickle the tray. No. Your dice tower. Play with it. It doesn't always have to be about working. It doesn't, but it is cylindrical. It is, totally. I'll plug this thing specifically that I think anyone would want.

It's a dice tower that is very small but awesome looking. It's called a codex scroll, I think. And you plunk a dice and it makes this awesome ka-thunk noise. It goes here. Let me get it right in there. Right in the mic here. Let's pick the mic up. You gotta hear that shit. It goes crunch. It's gonna totally be worth it. Ready?

It's like quick. It goes Yeah, I like it. It's a nice tower. It's like quick. It goes... Yeah, I like it. It's a nice tower. It's delicious. Thank you, Elderwood Academy, for your delicious products. They're made of wood, handmade,

and they feel excellent in the palm of my hand, if you know what I'm saying. But yeah, mention us in the notes. Make them feel like we sent you. We're all using their stuff. Tell them on Twitter. I look around the table, and I see it everywhere. They sent everybody a spell book,

and I have seen everybody busting out their stuff every week. It's pretty. And Blaine's got his full of these. He's found a collection of translucent dice. You got your miniature out. Where's my miniature? He's got like a bucket of gems over there. Yeah, I love you best.

Yeah, where's your hex chest? He was somewhere around here. I'll find it. Is it under your butt like my remote control is always under my butt? Oh, yes. Here's your book. My guy's in there, though.

Anyway. Thanks, Elderwood Academy. Look them up on all your favorite social medias And websites and buy them for the nerd in your life Even if it's you Yeah buy them for yourself Treat yourself Yeah fuck everybody else

It's like you just experienced Labor Day Or maybe Labor Day is coming up Depending on when this drops Who the fuck knows Oh shit my white pants thing You shit your white pants thing. Oh, your white pants again, man. That's the only reason I wear them.

Yeah. They really show off the, uh, the stain. Hey guys, let's do this. Let's, let's play some,

uh, so you just got a house. Yeah. You were gifted this weird lady, a weird old lady. Yeah. You were gifted this from a weird old drow lady. I still don't trust her, even though she left. I trust her. I love her.

Zawin walked off into the mist saying she was going to go build a new house somewhere, and you guys were left with this little place. And we'll say you rested for the night. And as you awaken, you can roll one more time to search the house for a wondrous item. So bust out your 20s, boys.

Let's get 20s. Ooh, a 15. What if I got a plus five for being awesome? Six. Rummaging through the cupboards and... Four. Oh, did I say four? I meant 20.

There's the 20. Again. You did what I did. Again Yeah that's amazing You guys need to take a vacation weekend here You need to take a vacation weekend Yeah why don't you Vacation on my mom's dick Yeah

That's the first time I've ever high-fived Correctly High-five weird Woo! Ow, my head! That's the first time I've ever high-fived correctly. Yeah, me too. High-five weird. You high-fived lame. Welcome to the world of high-fives. Did you look at my elbow? You've got to look at the elbow.

I just watched my last snap in half as you high-fived. Yeah, I really did hurt my hand. Fell asleep with my hand up the other day. That's the most torque he's ever felt on his wrist. Yeah, I think I fucking green- line fractured my entire clavicle. It was like Andre the Giant and Wallace Shawn high-fiving. It's like Richard Kiel punching a meringue. Rest in peace, Richard Kiel.

Make God laugh. That's a funny meringue we got over there. Oh, fuck. That's the best metaphor for a brittle substance I've ever heard someone pull. That was beautiful. When you pull back, there's still some of me holding on. It's still on my fork.

I got meringue all over me. Lemon filling. So we own a house Yeah and You don't find anything today But I was about to say You guys have been building up some teleportation spells So you've got some steeds Waiting for you outside

You could potentially find your way back here Without more than a couple days journey Depending on where your days take you. So yeah, you wake in, you go through the cupboards, you don't find anything particularly interesting, although there is junk everywhere. This lady's

been hoarding stuff for a few decades at least. Just for a second, I have to say this out loud just before I forget it. I hope we can get Mad TV back on the air so I can pitch the Jefferson's Starship. There we go. How's that theme song, Goblin?

I've already forgotten about it because I'm ashamed that I felt compelled to say it. Jefferson's Starship. It used to be the Jefferson's Airplane. First of allons. It used to be the Jefferson's Airplane. Right. And then they changed one.

First of all, say there used to be a Jefferson's TV show that some people might know. Yeah, it was the Jefferson's. So it's the Jefferson's Starship.

So it would be like, I guess it would be like George and Wheezy and Bentley and Grace Slick and Paul Kantner and Marty Ballin. And like on Enterprise, like a Star Trek parody too? You know, I think they would probably move on up to East Side Apartment in the Sky.

Oh, okay. Let's get it going. Hey, what you going to do today? The sun rises. A ray of radiant but cloudy light comes from somewhere. You're not sure where the sun is, but it glistens on Shmoo's featureless face through the window. Oh, my God. I forgot about Shmoo. He stares blankly. We spent all of episode 20.

He was silent for that whole episode. He's been wondering if he was going to be accidentally pulverized during your encounter with Zaywin. He doesn't have a penis or balls either, right? No, man. He's got nothing. Hey, who does? He's nothing. He's like an angel. Yeah, right?

So, uh, the continent angels spread out before you. Cherubs do. Do cherubs grow up to be angels? Cherubs never grow up. They're dead children forever. But they have penises.

No. Yeah, they have genitals. How do you know? Because I've seen them in sculptures and paintings. Those aren't photographs. That's not scientifically what a cherub is. Oh, but it's a representational image. They're anatomically correct humans. But they are

sexless. According to Van Halen, they smoke cigarettes. You are here on the map. Wu-Tang. Where this magnifying glass is. On the Wu-Tang symbol. For our Patreon subscribers, you know what the map looks like the Wu-Tang symbol. Yeah, yeah, yeah. For our Patreon subscribers,

you know what the map looks like. Wu-Tang Clan ain't nothing to fuck with. I don't know if you know that. There's a gap to the slight west where you could head into the forest and meet the wood elves. And there's also a baby gap a little farther down the west wing of the mall.

Next to the pet shop. I can't believe they still have a pet shop at this mall. I can't believe you still shop at the Baby Gap. You can't sell any pets at the store. He was buying pants for Patton. He's not even here. Baby Gap jokes.

Little fella. Take that. Oh, booze hammer. All right. Let's do it. Little fella. Take that. Oh, booze hammer. All right. Let's do it. You gonna head to the wood elves? Yeah, let's head over there.

Hey, statues, watch our house. They continue to be statues. Thank you, statues. The steeds kind of have been waiting outside. Thanks for the gumball, Popeye. Tom, your steed looks like he's Munched on a few squirrels And is looking healthier Good, I like that They lower themselves so you can hop aboard

Head to those woods Let's do it You march west and you go through The beginnings of the tree lines The ground becomes more earthy You start to smell moss. Everybody roll a perception check. Please. Difficulty of 18.

Got it. Perception check being a 20. Yes, sir. 19. 12. And then a 19. Blaine, you feel the ground beneath your steed quiver slightly. We're walking on moss? Hmm?

We're walking on moss? Mossy earth, yeah. Mossy earth. We're walking on moss. Are there rocks nearby anywhere? Yeah. Are there trees nearby? Yeah.

You're amongst trees now. Let's get to some rocks. Let's get to some rocks where we can see. I feel like this is going to be sandwormy. If we're not on rocks, we're going to be standing on something that's going to come rocks. Let's get to some rocks where we can see. I feel like this is going to be sandwormy. If we're not on rocks, we're going to be standing on something that's going to come out of the ground. You climb up on some rocks. Your steeds are pretty good and adept at climbing rocks. They're sort of built for mountain travel, so they clamber up on a boulder a little bit.

You're almost above the tree line. The trees aren't thick yet. Not quite above the tree line, though.'t thick yet not quite above the tree line though okay ground quivering right still quivering uh how long you want to wait find out uh is there a clear path of where we're going we break into more of a gallop you feel like you could sure yeah let's break into more of a try you guys i like your idea okay let's go let's do it roll another perception check everybody this time difficulty 15 this time boat you feel it to the ground shakes a little little heavier after you've been traveling for let's say five minutes yes we I feel it too something's underground.

I feel it too. All right. Not extremely, but I feel it. Do you guys feel something? You seem like you're reacting to some sort of feeling. That's not how Tom would say it. How would Tom say it? It really seems like you guys might be reacting to some sort of a thing. Tom, what happened to you?

Holy shit. Tom, get a hold of yourself. Tom, Tom. Wake you? Holy shit. Tom, get a hold of yourself. Tom, Tom. Wake up, wake up, Tom, buddy. Tom, Tom. What happened to you, buddy? Oh, sorry. What happened?

That was weird. You didn't sound like yourself for a second there, buddy. I think you got testicular torsion. You ever get that shit checked out, man? You got to be careful. That'll kill you. Would you know if you had it? Does it hurt?

Yeah, it hurts real bad. It's when your testicle gets twisted up and your vas deferens are in danger of breaking circulation, man. You get some... It happened to Mr. Belvedere. You can get an aneurysm in your nards. It's true.

Oh. I sat on my balls. Oh yeah, it was Doug Benson's impression of Mr. Belvedere sitting on his balls. Which really happened. Yeah. It was in the news, actually. And then he was in a harness and they dropped him.

Doug also worked with the kid that was on that, or he lived with the kid that was on that show. Really, that was his roommate. And the guy came home and said, Hey, man, Doug's hanging out. And the guy comes home early. He goes, Why are you off the show? What happened? What's going on? And he goes, why are you off the show? What happened?

What's going on? And he goes, oh, whatever the actress is. What's the actress's name? Christopher Hewitt. Christopher Hewitt. By the way, no, all of us have never seen the show. Hewitt sat on his ball today. I've sat on my ball. And then Benson would go, oh.

Oh. Oh. Wesley. Wesley. The kid's name. Wesley but then the kid's name yeah Wesley but then they but then they had him flying

on an episode the next week and he was in a harness and he hit his balls no the thing broke and he fell and ran out of balls oh my god

he's poor kick his brick he was also the director and the producers. Really? Yeah, same actor. He's hilarious in the producers. Oh, wow. Oh, yeah, yeah.

Keep it. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, so. Sorry. Rhodes is listening to a YouTube video in the distance, and it was freaking me out. For a second, I I was like is someone singing jazz music?

it's a ghost so you keep going and you felt it again and suddenly I used to be about 20 yards in front of you you see an arrow go

into the ground alright 20 yards in front of you, you see an arrow go into the ground. Oh. All right. And immediately you guys are like, oh, elves. That's probably elves. But it's 20 yards in front of you, and you feel like that's like a pretty non-confrontational way of declaring their presence. Yeah, we'll say hi.

Okay. Hi, guys. How are you going to say hi? Why don't you get a little more specific about what you're doing exactly are you waving you're getting off your feet or hands up i don't like doing this but i'll yeah i'll wave you're pretty high up in the trees so they might not see you unless you dismount these sure these hey uh i've got this uh this katydid armor, and I've also got this... Well, we're going to see these guys, right? Yeah.

Yeah, but I've also got this cloak with the green leaf on it. Oh, yeah. I haven't really... 20. So I have that on. I just want to make sure that I'm sort of using that to figure out what it is. I'm trying to identify the stuff. You feel it playing with it that there's some sort of camouflage

like element to it. Okay, perfect. Perfect. Well then I'm going to hop off my little steed and kind of elf towards him a little bit. And really quick, I think the Katie did armor is the pauldrons of discs that Brian has. I think you guys have hide, but I think it's like

standard leather kind of hide. I think the exoskeletal thing is just something that brian's got because is he gonna oh is he wearing that okay yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah all right um cool so uh after you kind of much to bodie's dismay uh appear submissive for a moment a small party of wood elves pop out of the trees. Wood elves. Wood elves. How tall are they?

There's four of them. They're about five feet tall. They're pretty short. Okay. They're short elves. All right. So I'm... They're not handsome.

I'm a high elf. Lord of the Rings elf. I'm going to go say hi. They're kind of earthen, stout, but not too muscular. They've got henna on their faces. That's not weird. Yeah, yeah. Pink champagne on ice.

Okay. Henna on their faces. Henna. Pink champagne. Not henna. Henna. Hen. Hannah. Not Hannah. Hannah. Hannah Inc. That was one of the last funny Woody Allen movies.

Hannah on her faces. So I'm going to walk up to these guys. What kind of elf are you? Standard? Well, you know what? I said it before, but I'm going to say it again because I think it's very clever. I'm a high elf, so'm gonna go say hi they're immediately impressed that a high elf such as yourself would commiserate with the likes of them yeah and i don't want to i don't want to get all

blacky green about it but i do have a pretty high charisma i have a very high how high i mean not like blacky green high but i'm still like like, I'm still 18. Clear 18. They're speaking an ancient form of Elvish, and they're not speaking a common tongue, so you can tell right away that they're probably going to want to focus on talking to you.

Sure. Why don't you do me a solid? Tell me what you want to say to them, and we'll roll charisma, because this is your introductory paragraph. Hi, I'm Twee. These are some friends of mine. We mean you no harm. We're trying to get through the woods here.

We're trying to figure out what sort of danger lies beyond so that we can squelch it and get out of here. Why don't you roll a charisma. Difficulty eight. What's your bonus? What's your dice modifier in the bubble? Plus four. Excellent. So you just gotta roll a four

or higher. There's a four. Boy oh boy. So the front one nods to you and says Yeah, take it to moi. He does. It's very similar to yeah and says, you know, He does. It's very similar to yeah. Take it apart.

He says, my name is Devden. Welcome to these woods. We assume by squelch, you mean the demolice, which he pronounces. But you get the vibe that he's talking about a greater evil of some kind. Sure, yeah. He introduces his compatriots which are Hezhez, Gorels and Wevin.

Right. Sounds like my law firm. And what is this role brought to you by? Oh, this roll is brought to you by Home Depot for all your mispronunciation needs. No longer affiliated

with O-Fitchy Depot. O-Fitchy Depot. O-Fitchy Depot. Gurel's looks at you, Bodhihi and says what are you hiding nothing you have something there oh

well I think this says a lot about me one thing is I'm extreme I think this says a lot about me. One thing is I'm extreme, but the other thing, and this doesn't say that, but this says that when somebody asks for help, I'm going to help them. This guy was being, we thought, held captive in a castle. And as you can see, he's a mess. So we thought we'd help him out. So I'm carrying him around.

What do you mean carrying him around? I don't know at least that much. What do you have there? He's a... You're saying this all through twee, so they're kind of confused. They still don't see Shmoo until you present him.

How you present, you hold him out like a baby? Yeah, yeah. Baba to Vishnu to Jabba to Hut. They all draw their bows and arrows. To Deitoa. To Deitoa. And say, what have you done?

They say, to you, Tui, what have you done to this elf? Oh, no. Is it an elf? They know it's an elf. They say, what have you done to this elf? We didn't do this. I'm saving the guy. They all failed basically a perception

check so they're horrified they tell them they're experiencing active horror at the sight of him and so they're kind of in shock mode yeah we found this guy he's in very bad shape we're taking care of him as best we can we We couldn't just leave him there. So he's coming with us. We're trying to give him a better life. Yeah, we're just trying to. Charisma difficulty 10 for Tui. All right.

I botched my charisma check. Oh, man. Can I try too? I have a high charisma. We'll say that, yeah, Tom and Bodhi, you can roll, but it's going to be higher difficulty. I got a 20. It's like body language and translation.

I just rolled a 20. It wasn't in the tray. 13. I was going to say difficult. What's your charisma, though? 10. Do you have a dice modifier? No, that's blank for 10.

What can you give me, Tom? Let's roll that dice. All right. This is my charisma. Yeah. I was 15. You're right, but I rolled it right when you were saying. What's your charisma, though?

18 with a 6 bonus. 6 bonus? Yeah. Well, well, well. They notice something about what you're about to say, which is, what do you say, Tom? I'm going... No, no, what do you say?

We're trying to save this guy. We're trying to help him. He's in real bad shape. Yeah. And then I go over and I help him. He's in real bad shape. And then I go over and I stroke him. They're on high alert, but one of them

lowers his bow, gets a better look, says, give him to me. Okay, sure. Tell them that we've talked to him we've communicated telepathically he can speak

I go to my mind to touch my brain two of them hear you say that and nod to each other and look at him you guys all roll your perception real quick difficulty of 10 tell Shmoo to talk to them uh 7 difficulty of 10 tell Shmoo to talk to them

uh 7 Tui you hear I made it so all three of you hear a whisper that sounds you know placating Tui you can hear in your head that Shmoo is saying

yes yes it is me Fel Gwyn and uh he does not call himself Shmoo saying uh yes yes uh it is me fell gwynn and uh he does not call himself shmoo uh or baba papa which i still think is so fucking creepy but barbapapa is like barbapapa is a really weird So, they do take him. Take good care of him. Well, they're staying there and they're talking amongst each other. You understand that they're saying some very emotional things, but they're kind of trying to whisper amongst each other. I laid 26 points of healing on Shmoo on the way out.

Oh, interesting. All right, let me rethink something really quick. Have we tried that before? No. Didn't even occur to me. I bet you one of our listeners Was like try healing him you assholes Nothing physical In appearance changes about him

But When you do it He notices The elves notice Does he kind of coo He would have also gotten Anytime I did a song of rest he would have gotten a 1d6

Stargoyle People miss Stargoyle People tweet Stargoyle One of the elves notices this and keeps a very close eye He's sort of magically observing and he says

some horrible spells have been cast on our friend Felgwyn here. I met him once when I was a boy. He's a very ancient wizard amongst our people. He appears to have had some sort of necromancy cast upon him that will curse him, that will make him live forever. But in this horrible state we we've been speaking and we're not sure we should allow him to continue to live what did you intend for him just to return him here well we thought you were gonna take care of him so i thought we'd give him a little boost on the way out hey if you guys need drugs

i have drugs a huge bag of drugs um you guys need to make like necromancy stuff i'm serious i got all kinds of shit dude i'm holding so tight i have uh i have bailey tempted to make you do a charisma roll just to offer them some weed because you basically have weed in your bag seriously i have a greyhawk Thunderfuck. They're really stressed out right now. They'll fuck you up. Do you for real want to offer them a little bit of... Seriously, I have all these crazy herbs.

Let me pull up a spreadsheet of what was actually in them. Okay, hang on. I'm looking at the herbs and you've got some basically a marijuana I'm telling you dude

I have a pipe my uncle made it's from an old surfboard and it hangs around my neck you can offer them a pipe if you want to roll for it no I was just going to give them the drug so that they could make necromancy drugs to work on this dude roll a charisma

difficulty 12. My neck pipe. It's extreme. 4 plus 4, I didn't make it. They don't know what to do. They kind of look at you like, alright, but they take it. There's my 20. They take it, but they're not

more encouraged by it. They say, well, we're going to take him back to meet with the chieftain. We're not sure what morally we should do with him. Whatever snaps your carrot there, Mother Teresa. He's basically an elder, but religiously, we don't like to deal with necromancy. Are you like elf scientists or something? Our people are proud that they have resisted the necromancy of this land

and that we're a rather pure sanctuary against the evil, and this is something of an abomination. So you need an acid wand to the face kind of a thing instead of mercy or healing for this guy. We were thinking something a little more quick and painless than an acid wand to the face. It looks like he's already endured a few of those. Well.

I don't feel good about this. We'll keep him. Yeah, I'll keep carrying him. What does the guy feel about it? This is also our friend's son. keep him yeah well i'll keep carrying him what is that what is that you're gonna yeah what does the guy feel about it have we this is also our friends our friend's son he he's you get definitely just a vibe he's trying not to talk because he thinks he's being listened to by everyone but get the vibe he doesn't want to die yeah our friend uh that we're we're here, you know, enlisting your help. He's the one who wanted us, or, you know,

who sent us to you so we could kill off the Demolith. And this is his son. So I'm keeping him. I'm looking after him. Roll a charisma check, difficulty eight. after him. Roll a charisma check, difficulty 8. So they understand, they take a look at your steeds and they go, okay, well, if he's your burden

to bear, then you can continue to take him. I'm a big guy, it doesn't... But we recommend you meet with our chieftain regardless. He may be able to help you further in whatever sort of dark mission you have ahead of you. Alright. They take you deeper into the woods if you accept their offer.

Sure, I'm gonna spark up this big blunt I rolled for their chief. Suddenly you realize you've got blunt supplies. And they do offer you a wooden pipe if you prefer to use a wooden pipe. I knew one of these dudes would have a pipe on.

They smoke a lot of weed in the woods. More like the weeds. After a few minutes you head up into the trees. You ever go to the Muir Weeds up north of Marin? They've got a a rope staircase that you can head up up the side of a tree they've got little

huts built up and the trees get taller and taller as you head up this it's like you know like a rope bridge that kind of spirals around a tree why don't you all roll a perception check for me difficulty eight nine I have a plus one I roll for Bodhi you feel the ground shake and you realize it's that vibration again that you felt

in the ground earlier. Which we still don't know what it was the first time. I have to find out what that is. Do you guys know? Do I have their attention still? Sure. I just felt a rumbling. Do you know what that is? There's a...

Ah, yes. That is, unfortunately, the lost city of Morgothal. What? Our chieftain should tell you more about that. Okay. Here he comes, everybody. Should we be worried? Perhaps.

Okay. It depends what your intentions are. So you head up and you are introduced to the chief attendant. His name is Forenmeyer.

He welcomes you. Forenmeyer! And he actually takes a look at Shmoo and thanks you for bearing the burden. He says Shmoo is actually about

150 years old. He should have died some 30 years ago, but has been kept alive. Just from old age, he should have died some 30 years ago. The lifespan of his people is about 120 at longest. This is not

who we expected to see here today. That is for certain. If you wish to carry him, I suggest you continue to listen to him. He probably knows a lot about Amina and could actually give you some advice on where to go. What is your ultimate mission?

To destroy the evil, I hear? Yeah. Wouldn't you like it like that? Wouldn't you like to see the land the way it used to be? We would certainly like it like that. We understand that as long as we have been in a darkened land, that some greater evil has actually been culminating of late the land has gotten darker and darker and we think there is some sort of greater spell that

is being cast well you've heard of the demolith yes the demolith resides all over uh but we believe he has some sort of uh headquarters in the marshes of goldews. Oh, okay. Off to the west. I also heard he has a Halloween headquarters in El Segundo. Near the docks. So, quick refresher. You guys are about here. Okay. Here's the Marshes of Gulduz. Here's the docks you first landed on.

Oh, okay. So, you kind of came here, went to count on the Legnus Castle, went through the mountains. Did we never go? We never went in there when we first started? No that pill bug creature where did we see the guy dying yeah where did we saw yeah you saw a lot of dark shit over here this is where you saw horo disembowel himself all on the edge of the marsh oh it wasn't inside you didn't go far enough into the trees to see what was in there and it turns out there's marshes on the other side of some trees okay who wants to join us uh your bravest uh men he says um we're actually bracing ourselves

for a coming attack uh we would spare some people but we're actually who's attacking you um well we are about to let I should have let you finish I'm sorry it's alright Kanye we understand when I hear about fighting in a big sentence it's punishable by death

well when I hear about fighting I want to hear more it's punishable by by Bungie we're about to be attacked by Morgothal the lost city how many of them

are there what are the numbers here what are we talking about Morgothal. And why do we hate him? I'll let you go. Start speaking. When I stop speaking, you start speaking.

As soon as I'm done, you tell me why and how many and what we need to do. And who do I kill? Go. The lost city of Morgothal. There used to be tree ants here. There used to be a population of trees, but they could no longer survive once the land became evil.

And in an effort to preserve one, one sacrificed its life. These are tree people, sentient trees. One sacrificed its life in order to preserve some magic within itself. Unfortunately, we were dabbling in magics we didn't understand, and we did end up putting a bit of a curse on this tree ant. It got bigger and bigger, grew too fast, and we tried to do a lot of things with it um but eventually we realized it

could no longer speak and it was just sort of walking around but it was hollow inside and so we tried to build within it and we built a walking city within this giant walking tree so for for quite some time we were safe there. We used it as a sort of fort, this giant sort of walking tree. Yeah, there was a couple hundred of us in there. But eventually, it started fighting us out of itself. It started to realize we were some sort of infection. And it produced a sort of evil spell that began to purge us. There are still some elves trapped inside, possibly.

We're not sure, but there was a great purge some 50 years ago when Morgothal became sort of in antibacterial mode when his immune system, his dark immune system kicked in and began to purge elves from his body. We had to retreat. There were large insects inside of him, a sort of sentient slime that chased us out. And we are no longer able to inhabit Morgothal,

but he still paces the woods. And that's why you need the AT. That is the, the shaking you felt beneath your feet is Morgothal who is, is very, very tall, the size of a mountain. And he paces around and,

and once every year he approaches our encampment, tries to find us and exterminate us. And we have to move and protect our young okay oh so we and you were going to fight him this time within within the next few days he's probably going to arrive at this and are you and you plan to move or you plan to fight him this time we're we have to keep moving there's no way to defeat him that we know of or do we set up a piece of fishing line across a couple of other giant trees and trip him put a little bell

yell timber there are some amongst us who would like to fight and one thing we have considered is if we could break inside somehow through his defenses we could find the elves and perhaps the elves that are trapped inside of him

are still alive and they might know a way to take control of Morgothal again. Huh. Wait, so how do we do that? What was it? I missed the first part. Do we have a plan?

We have to get inside. We just have to get inside. Morgothal, his original asset was he was a walking fort that would pace in a giant circle. Exactly, I get that, yeah. fort that would pace in a giant circle. Exactly, I get that. He doesn't pace in a circle anymore, he attacks.

But we hope that some way we could tame him again and make him docile again if we could break inside and learn if there's some sort of secret to mastering him again. Are there weak spots of him or anything like that? We do have some scouts that have some opinions on this. Okay, well, we'd be willing to help you. Hey, buddy, it's past your bedtime, pal. Hey, Dad. Yeah. I want you to come and kiss me in bed.

Okay, well, we're going to take a break, you guys. Bye, everyone. Bye, Rhodes. We're back. Hey, hey, hey. I had to go be cute with my son. Him coming in here and asking for a good night was my favorite thing ever. I got suckered into reading a book.

Yeah, Dianetics. It's an anarchist cookbook. Yeah, anarchist cookbook. What are you doing, buddy? Just getting a couple beers Okay Alright Oh yeah

Okay You really gotta get to bed buddy Okay Alright I love you buddy he's doing spider-man when he says bye everyone and hi everyone oh nice like from civil war i like that new spider-man he's all right homecoming was a great movie. We already saw it twice as a family. Let's get back in. Great.

So you guys were just chatting with Fornmeyer of... Fornmeyer! Of the Wood Elves. Right. And, yeah, you were learning about Morgothal, the walking city. Oh, yeah. How did they think we could get in? So he brings you to meet some scouts.

You guys want some ice? Nice. Do you want any ice? We heard. Tell the dog. Tell the dog there's ice on the floor she'll get it uh you guys go and meet the scouts the scouts are named pendith and vorkid and uh they tell you yes um this thing you know walks on two great legs but underneath it is a trunk

like you'd find on any treant. It's earthen. It drags along the ground. There's roots. And you can climb up, and they think between the roots, there are some holes between the knots where the dark sap still drips. And although poisonous and potentially, you know, sentient and grappling in nature, you can navigate around this sap. What is this sap like?

The sap is like... Like a symbiote? Yeah, it's a symbiote. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It can take forms and attack us. Venom makes him very happy. But if we can navigate around it and get up into the roots, we think we can get to the hollow

part of the city and okay let's let's uh do you guys want to help these guys do this yeah yeah yeah sounds fun but oh the thing we were talking about during the break is is uh The thing we were talking about during the break is already MIA. They're already out? Yeah. I was trying to get a Super Nintendo. Well, now I'm going to have to spend $100 more on Amazon.

Wouldn't it be great if... That's why it sells out. I miss when Nintendo made enough consoles for everyone to play. That's the weirdest part about being an adult is seeing the same... The best part is when you're a parent that you can buy it for your kid and you can get them every game system

that exists. You can't find them. I've been trying to find a Nintendo Switch for like a year. When everybody's asleep, you can run around in your underwear and play video games. That's true. But I'm too tired to do that. When I come home from playing with you guys, I usually play Darkest Dungeon for a little while. I don't know.

Oh, man. It's so great. Is that the Diablo stuff? Top-down dungeon crawler? No. It's so great. Is that the Diablo stuff? Top-down dungeon crawler? No, it's a side-to-side 2D dungeon crawler, though, and it's got a lot of Lovecraftian kind of monsters in it. You basically inherit this new... This isn't new.

You inherit this mansion, and you can bring mercenaries in. It's all D&D-ish, but you try to raid this mansion that's possessed by demons, and it's got dungeons underneath it. And like the coast is covered in like fish monsters and you just,

as you exterminate things, you find treasure. It's so great. It's, it's only like 20 bucks. Uh, can't recommend it enough. Darkest dungeon.

If, uh, Mike Drucker actually introduced me to it. Uh, former bonus episode star, Mike Drucker, nerd poker friend. Uh Former bonus episode star, Mike Drucker. Nerd poker friend. Time to head out, I think.

Yeah, I mean, we probably can't get into this with the next couple of minutes left on the show. What do we have left? We've got like another 10, 15 minutes, I think. Do we? Yeah, you've got 15 minutes. So Pendith and Vorkit are excited that you guys actually want to go and do this because they're the two that are interested. Everyone else is kind of, you know, used to a nomadic lifestyle.

But these two guys have been, you know, scouting the danger zone around Morgothal. And they're like, okay, let's go. Let's go now. So you head towards the shaking and it's not long before you sense a shadow above the tree lines and the ground starts shaking in a regular rhythm. Is there anything else we can use against this guy too? Against the tree? Any kind of spells against him? Yeah, use against this guy, too? Against the three? Any kind of spells against him, yeah, because he's turned, right?

Now would be a good time to look at all of your guys' skills. So I know you don't have any nature stuff, but keep in mind this is sort of a cross between a giant monster and a golem. A giant monster and a golem. So there's all sorts of magics at work here that you have not encountered before. What about the old setting the tree on fire? That's worked for me before. You're low on oil. You've set so much on fire that you'd probably need to restock. I got oil from that old lady.

As far as you know. As far as I know. She didn't have a lot of pyrotechnics in her house, I will say that. She was more of a herbalist. Trying to think of what else I got on this guy. Oh, I have those three books, too. Yeah, you've got books that you actually recently found out were containing enchantment spells.

You've also, if you've got any acrobatic skills, you know you're about to be climbing some giant roots that are dragging along the ground. This guy's a body in motion. So there's going to be something. And an athletics bonus. Yeah, keep an eye on that i have a fly spell that may come in extraordinarily handy uh hey i also have a scroll that says final countdown and you have done three rounds of resting at this point so you've got

this new spell uh and just as a refresher it's going to actually take three rounds of combat to cast this it's basically you're playing a song for three rounds and then the final note of the song you cast an eldritch spell inside your target uh so this will do some some sort of internal damage. Okay. And we'll take three rounds to cast. And what are you going to do with your steeds? I assume you guys have been riding them to this point? Yeah. Okay. They probably won't be able to go up

in a Morgothal with you. This is going to require some climbing. So you can tell them what to do and they have human level intelligence. Yeah, just have them ride up alongside so you can jump in and jump on. And then trail us. You want them to follow Morgothal or stay nearby.

Yeah. They're sort of at attention waiting for mission orders. Yeah. attention waiting for mission orders. So, Pendeth and Vorkit are kind of running alongside you guys and as you get closer just for funsies why don't you just do a quick perception check

for me, gentlemen. Do they have any other strategies? Should we immobilize it? Well, they tell you there's about 150 wood elves back at the encampment you just came from. And there could be just as many inside, more or less. We don't know if when Morgothal's immune system kicked in, he completely decimated the numbers and there's only 10 or 15 elves left inside. We don't know if he wiped them all out. We don't know if they've actually been giving birth and multiplying it's been a while so

uh we could find anything inside morgothal we're not sure but we do know that uh looking at the roots it appears the old passageways are intact to some degree, but we will have to climb up to find out. Uh, and they're only, they're only giving us two scouts. Only two scouts were interested. Everyone else preferred to defend the nomads as they try. These two guys have been interested in a while and have a plan.

Um, what were your perception checks? Gents? Uh, I had a 15 15 i had a nine i also had it well it's plus plus your intelligence yes yes plus uh nine so between the trees you get a good glimpse of morgothal he has uh something of a bizarre jack-o'-lantern face he has has three caves in the front of his mountain, two eye holes and a mouth hole, and they're enormous.

This thing is the size of a mountain, and he's very slowly stomping towards where you came from. The map is not quite to scale. But he is high, high above the treetops. Stomping through the woods. Your mounts start approaching cautiously the center. They're not sure how to navigate under this guy. They're a little confused.

But Pendeth and Vorkid motion for you to follow them and uh they dart between the roots that are dragging along the ground they're all each the size of a tree uh themselves and they find one near the old entrance up into the city grab a hold and start climbing up. Follow them. Why don't you guys all roll your decks or acrobatics? Does he look like that or creepier?

He actually looks a lot like that. That's pretty good. His mouth hole's bigger than his eye holes, I'll say that. Otherwise, you've got a very startling drawing. What a beautiful little picture you drew for us. I'm going to fly, Robin, fly. Yeah, Brian, have you taken a peek at the old map

of Sean Bryan's interpretation? Oh, it was right there. Okay, that's the guy. Yeah, yeah. Oh, I had seen it. It was burned into my subconscious, like close encounters. Like when you're playing a defender machine that you could tell used to be a Ms. Pac-Man machine?

You're flying though, right, Tui? Yeah, I just start flying. You fly up and you're going to just hover and follow the scouts? I'm going to say you don't have to roll for that. But they're going to do just a quick they've got great decks, but they're going to... They've got great what?

Great decks! They've got sweet decks! Look at those decks. Ten plus a four bonus. Ten plus a four bonus. Is that your decks or your athletics? My decks. Great.

You grab on just fine. How about you, Bodhi? Why don't you give us a little roll on your athletics or decks? Oh, shit. I got a four plus on that. But that is a fail. It's an automatic. Yeah, you needed a ten.

Can I try to grab him if I see? Well, first roll a six-sided, please, Bodhi. All right. Just a three. Shmoo is okay. But you hit the ground and take three. You were jumping off the steed, which is about 20 feet off the ground. Did it look cool?

Oh, yeah. It was super extreme. When I rolled off, did I land like... Yeah, you twisted your hips and then you did like a really ineffectual shrug. Everybody could tell you were hurt, but you were actually really good. You landed on your coccyx,

as is the tradition. You sprained your coccyx. Okay. You're going to need to... Can I try again? Yeah, so you run to catch up. This time it is a difficulty of eight because you're closer to the ground are you kidding me uh again you miss um so here's

what's gonna happen you don't technically lose everybody but um everyone is going farther up the route okay you're starting to get separated a little bit. You get another chance. You rolled the wrong dice. You rolled the wrong dice. Roll your 20. This time it's a difficulty 8 again. But I didn't take any hit points. No, no hit points.

You just kind of scooted up the route and fell on your butt. God damn it. Don't get a 1 again. Yeah. That would be amazing. 8. Yeah, it's a difficulty eight. Yeah, you grab on.

Okay, cool. Jesus. Sorry, guys. Wait up. Brothers. Hey, where's Bodhi? They rolled to check in, and they noticed, and they held up. So the party didn't get separated, but it was close.

Cool. One more round, and they would have kept going. Somebody yelled at the tree to slow down. One more one. Yeah, or just a two. You were really cutting it close. But you get farther up into the root system and suddenly there's enough writhing roots

underneath you that it feels like you're in a pulsating, darkened room. That's hot um you know you have to what was that tom i'm sorry that's hot uh i wanted you to sound like paris hilton from like 10 years ago i know exactly uh and so that's hot ew uh i don't it's kind of getting aroused by that i wasn't happy with it it. As you get higher up and things get darker, you start to feel some stickiness in the roots. Sorry, guys.

Sap. Probably sap. Oh, yeah, it's sap. I don't want to get trapped in amber in here. It's that symbiotic sap. Keep it off you. Remember to... I'm trying to keep it off.

How do we keep it off of us? Keep the sap off of us. I don't know. How it off. How do we keep it off of us? Keep the sap off of us. I don't know. How about a torch? Do we have torches? Ooh, okay. That's how we get the sap off.

Ring a bell. So... It works in Spider-Man 3. You do a lot of climbing. You stay focused. You're hovering nearby, trying to dodge the root system that's sort of wiggling around you

and staying in a pocket of air. And after a while, you start to see some light shining from above. You're not sure how it's lit. Ken and I just yawned at the same time. Completely hollow. But yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yawn twins. You guys are yawn twins. I didn't say that. I just said we yawned at the same time. Yawn twins. Everyone, please roll a 20 and just tell me the number. I'm said we yawned at the same time. Yawn twins. Everyone, please roll a 20 and just tell me the number. I'm not a yawn twin. Nine.

Ten. Twenty. So you're getting close enough where you can see where there's a gap in the roots and you know you're about, say, two stories away from getting into a lit area when all of a sudden Tom, your right hand

gets stuck. And you can't quite pull it out. What do you want to do? Can I use my fingers of dexterity to... You can try. Roll either a

sleight of hand or a dex, whichever your bonus is higher for. That's a success. So you manage by trying to work your special gloves, your fingerless ones that you manage to get it out. But as you do that

My ass falls off. No, something kind of doesn't do any damage but it slaps you across the face. Do a dex check. It's dark. You succeed but you all notice and

one, both of the scouts notice there's something forming on the root in front of Tom's face. It's getting larger, much like Leon. It's a Trinus. I'm going to light a torch my next turn.

Why don't we all roll for initiative? Okay. One. It's time to get my one out. Two. Oh, dear. Two.

Two there. I'm going to stop using this one. We're going after whatever it is. I'm going to do that again. we're going after whatever it is uh maybe one's good I'm first one so that was 16

but it doesn't count hey what is uh us uh rolling dice brought to you by Blaine uh Panda Express. I gotta be honest, you guys. I don't know a lot about Chinese food,

but I did stay at a Panda Express last night. You stayed at a Panda Express last night? Panda Express. Panda Express. All right, so we're gonna go on the two scouts, then Tui, Bodhi, Tom, and then the symbiote so to speak

I didn't originally think of it as a symbiote but now that Brian said it all I'm thinking is this is the venom of tree sap tree-ness tree-ness is a weird way to put it so the scout to your guys' right Pendeth sees what's going on, takes out a long knife

swings it at this guy go Pendeth, sees what's going on takes out a long knife swings it at this guy Go Pendeth! and slashes it taking a big old chunk out of it Yay, Pendeth! The other scout jumps over succeeds in jumping over and he

swings and misses You are up twee And what exactly is happening? swings and misses. You are up twee. Twee! And what exactly is happening? You see what looks like the belly of a spider with arms reaching towards

Tom's face. One of the arms got lopped off. Is it this syrupy thing? It looks like syrupy fingers are reaching like a face hugger towards Tom. I'm going to do a cloud of daggers at this thing. Oh, Jesus. Great.

Roll for damage, please. Let me look at the cloud of daggers really quickly. Hey, while he's doing this, Tom, why don't you roll a dex check? Will do. You've got to dodge a cloud of daggers. Eight plus four.

That's a success. You're okay. I was worried for a moment. We're doing some close quarters stuff, so I just got to make everybody do some checks. What's my halberd of the Dwarven Prince? Halberd of the Dwarven Prince is for arcade mode. That is Patreon only. So this is a fun little

commercial to listen to our bonus episodes. You won that when fighting the cult of the Eel Thane. It's a 2D12. Remember when next we play a bonus episode to bust that shit out against the boss.

10D4. Great. Why don't you roll that up for us, Tui? I hope we get 40. That would be great. I'd like to get 40. Maybe more than 4th. So, Tui clangs on his

DOS loot. And holy mackerel, that looks fun. 13, 16. and holy mackerel that looks fun 13 16 and do it again 20 23 31

34 all the arms of this thing lop off. All right. And it sort of disappears. That was my plan, you guys. I recommend you head right up that route. Yeah, let's go.

Hustle, hustle, hustle. Run, run, run, run. Oh, and you know what? While we move past, I'm going to fire a firebolt up into it just to sort of cauterize it and make sure there's just to hurt it a little more on the way out. Ooh, interesting. Would you please just for the fuck of it, roll a six sided for me.

One. So it does something. It goes poof hiss and you, it hits the sides of the opening and you're not sure what happened exactly, but, uh, you keep heading up, you keep heading up and, uh, It goes poof hiss and it hits the sides of the opening and you're not sure what happened exactly. But you keep heading up, you keep heading up. And Pendith manages to get up there first. He waves for you guys.

Everyone do a quick dex acro difficulty of 10. Good, 16 plus 4. All right, Dwight, I'm flying, I'm flying yeah you're fine what is it? decks are acrobatics oh so you rolled a 2 yep

so 4 okay god damn it do this is so you try to pull yourself through the pulse Okay. Damn it. Do... This is... So you try to pull yourself through the pulsating opening and your hands just can't quite stay on the edge of it

as you try to kick your legs up. So you slip a little bit. Roll a dex check. Difficulty eight. Dex check. Difficulty 8. You slide down about 10 feet and your hand grips onto the root. Do another

attempt to get up there. Difficulty 10. 9, right? Yeah. One second. uh nine right yeah one second uh you get another shot so uh doing you you uh roll um difficulty eight ones too uh okay yes So you grab a hold on You get closer Try again to flip through this hole And something's gonna happen What are you doing down there?

No Why do I keep rolling no numbers for that one? I know So this time Some dark sap starts to appear around the lip of this thing. Roll a 20 to grab on difficulty eight again. So you're fine. You don't slide down to the depths yet,

but I'm going to roll for how many hit points this guy has do i see this yes so all of you notice a large black slimy mass uh take the form of just like a hand not a literal hand but it's you know tendrils and they start arcing towards the opening They go up and down into the pit as if reaching to grab Bodhi. What do you guys want to do? I'm heading down, flying down at full speed to grab him. Roll a dex check. You've got speed on your side, so I'll let you do this before we roll for combat. But roll difficulty.

We're trying to grab him and lift him up, and he's a beast, so let's say difficulty 12. Yep, 19. Alright, so you get him and you start pulling him up, and this guy, before anyone can do anything, swings and misses

on you. I never had an attack. Huh? Should I have an attack now or no? No, before anything, because he tries to do a speed move and get past it. And I'll say you get it back out of the opening with Bodhi and he swings at you as you come out of the

anus of the tree. You're inside Morgothal now, all of you. You can roll to attack this black hand now, everybody alright oh, a 17 you know what, I was just gonna firebolt it how about you, Bodhi,. You know what? I was just going to firebolt it.

How about you, Bodhi? Where are you at? I'm not yet. Not yet. 20, actually. Oh, shit. Well, it's not natural. That got to 20.

Still, that's slightly higher. So as you're dropped on the ground, you're able to pull your sword back. What are you going to do with that sword? I'm going to go for some limbs. Do it. Yeah. Oh, so roll 2d6? Yes.

I'm not raging, so. Okay. Good to know. I didn't say I was. I didn't hear you say you was. Nope, so I'm not. Four. And then will I get a...

No undead bonus for this one. No, but I get a regular plus two on that. Okay, so that's a six. Yeah. You'll lop a finger finger off and there's at least nine more of these things. It's particularly interested in you. Tui, you

are up. You gonna do the firebolt? I just did the firebolt, yeah. Ten. Kadoosh, Kadoosh. The thing chars and wiggles and slows its attack. But it is still looking at Bodhi like it wants revenge for him getting inside. We're over. Should we call it?

Or should we try to... How many minutes are we? We're about ten over. Well, this thing looks real mad at you, Bodhi. Gee willikers. I shot an arrow and I never got my... Oh, you did? Yeah. Well, Tom,

why don't you roll for damage real quick? I rolled a six. You rolled a six. And then I have a plus two. Cthunk. Off goes another finger. Is there like a mass to it? It seems to be coming out of the gaps in the wood.

You guys look around and you appear to be at the basin of a miniature jungle. There's big pillars of wood all around you that arc over you and twisting and you see... Can we just get away from him or do we have to kill him? You're in a giant vertical shaft. We can get past it, yeah. It's still pretty close

quarters. You don't know if you can get away without bobbing and weaving between giant root systems. But do we have to kill this thing to get away? Not necessarily. You could just retreat. Are you cool if I just let you go?

What do you mean? What? I got him out of there, right? You're out. You're fine. You let him go and he swung. Right. Yeah, I wasn't still hanging from you. Are we calling for a retreat or are we fighting as we

end this episode? Let's fight him. Let's fuck him up. Let's call it. Sweet. Thanks, guys. Thanks, you. Thanks for listening, everybody. Episode 21 of Brian Fassane's Nerd Poker.

Bang, bang. Night night. Thanks for listening to another episode of Nerd Poker. You can follow us at patreon.com slash nerdpoker and you get bonus episodes from there. And you can also send us anything at P.O. Box

16069 Encino, California 91416. Thanks for listening.