Nerd Poker - Episode 22 - Stabby Ascent

Episode Date: July 11, 2018

Don't worry, lovers of elves and commercials, Blaine is back! And these intrepid adventurers needs his help to get out of this creepy pit deep in the feywild. Here's to hoping that they don't encounter anything from those Guardian doors or you know, a Drow assassin clinging the walls waiting to stab them or anything.

Hey everybody, I'm Brian Poussaint Comedian, writer, actor, nerd. I've been playing D&D with my friends for a long time. I decided to do a new podcast where we play Dungeons & Dragons in my very own dining room. With my wife, kid, and my noisy dogs. So meet my friends... Sarah Ken Sam

Lee Now it's time for another episode of Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker. Season 2. Hey, everybody. Hey. It's Brian Poussaint, and you're listening to Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker. It's episode 22. Hi, friend.

Hello, Brian. Hi, Brian. First regular episode we've recorded here in a while. We got a little behind there. We've got Sarah, Ken, Dan, Blaine. Hey. Hi, everybody. Hi.

Should we thank some Patreons? Yeah, we should. All right. Everybody have a good Christmas. Oh, my God. That's the best Christmas ever. We haven't played a regular campaign episode in, I think, over a month. The 4th of July, my birthday, whatever, Hanukkah.

Oh, whatever, Ron Kovic's house. Hanukkah? Up. Hell on Earth happening, weather-wise. Oh, yeah. Oh, my God. Friday was a bummer. Shitty.

Let's thank some people, though. Heat dome. I'm going to pull up the old spreadsheet. It just takes a second. Here we go. Right before we turn on the mics, I'm gonna pull up the old spreadsheet It just takes a second Here we go Right before we turn on the mics I'm always like Let me pull up all the secret NPC stats And then I forget to pull up the Patreon The stats take down your pants

We all leveled up in case anybody cares Yeah if you're keeping track at home The fellas are all level 10 And Sarah's up to level 7 She's slowly catching up to everybody. I've never been level 10 before. No? I don't think so.

I don't think I've ever gotten this high. Never let you slash kill you off before then usually? You guys started at, you didn't start at level 1, right? We did. No. Oh, yeah, but we played longer. Yeah. They played a full campaign and that's why they got it right.

Oh, and the same characters, yeah. Yeah. No, yeah. I don't think we got anywhere near level 10. I'm going to change my stats. That's why they go right. Oh, and the same characters, yeah. Yeah. No, yeah, I don't think we got anywhere near level 10. I'm going to change my stats. That's why you're 7 and 10. I just want listeners to know that it's not women are treated differently

in the narrative. I make 70% of the experience points that Verbal makes. Me D2. Alright, here we go. Are you ready? No points for you, lady. I feel like we already thanked this one, but I don't remember, so I'm going to thank him again. Thank you, Merkin Von Sparrowqueef.

Thank you, Doreen McGiffey. Thanks, Doreen. Thank you, Tamlin Cinderhaven. Thanks, Tamlin. All right. I like that. Thank you, SnakeEyes's Unibrow. Thanks, SnakeEyes's.

Thank you, SoundWave's EjectButton. I don't know how to eat theserow. Thanks, Snake Eyes'. Thank you, Soundwave's Eject Button. I have an 80s toy that's going off. Thanks, Soundwave. Thank you, Alfred E. Newman's Third Testicle. Wow. Nice. It grew up. Thank you.

That's the boss he's talking about. What a neat ballsy. Thank you, Not A Creepy Weirdo. I bet someone's familiar, too. I bet that is a creepy weirdo. I bet someone's familiar, too. I bet that is a creepy weirdo. I bet it's not, Double Negative. 2018, wake up, Ken. Thank you, CummyDamDams.

Oh, no. And most of all, thank you, TheSassiest. Thanks, TheSassiest. Hey, I thought I was TheSassiest. So, I don't know. Maybe, is it TheSassiest. I'll say. Hey, I thought I was the sassiest. So I don't know. Maybe. Is it the S-A-S-s-iest? S-A-S?

Is that the Nazi? Scandinavian Airlines. Okay. No, it's S-A-S-S-iest. Fuck sake, Dan. Do you want that door closed or is it okay? Oh, yeah. We've got your patio door open.

If you can close it with magic. No, are you okay? Yeah, fine. Okay, cool. It's 117 degrees here. Yeah, let's keep it open. There's a slight chance in tonight's episode that a coyote could sneak into Brian's dining room.

Oh, totally. We'll hear him coming, though. Steal our engineer away into the night. There's a screen, right? They're afraid of nuns. Yeah, we can close that screen. Steal our engineer away into the night. There's a screen, right? They're afraid of humans. Yeah, we can close that screen. You don't want to have to punch fist size. I just remember that moth.

Why would you interrupt your podcast? My name is Wiley Coyote. Creatures come in here all the time. I remember that moth. It's haunted my dreams for like a half hour. Did you guys know that the last campaign, the little island of Amina was named after a giant moth? In real life. Oh, what? Which one? Yeah, there's a giant moth called an Amina was named after a giant moth in real life.

Which one? There's a giant moth called an Amina moth. What? An Amina moth. An Amina moth. When I was a little kid, we had a cat named Isabel. She was a brown Persian cat.

She was very beautiful. What a sad story. One night she was back on the back porch and she was meow, meow, meow, meow. We went out and looked and she had caught one of those big luna moths. Those big aqua giant weird moths that are the size of birds. She had caught it and brought it back to us.

She was very proud that she brought us a moth. A luna moth. Was it huge? A luna moth. A luna moth. You guys huge? Aluna Moth Aluna Moth you guys are in another dimension another dimension oh my god

you know what I find interesting about that is that that Beastie Boys song is like a solid 20 years beyond your usual music frame reference

well right but we all like it and it's hip hop but we all have this weird form of Tourette's where we have to yell at references no matter what

I know but I just appreciate as somebody who's of that era, I appreciate to hear a 90s. Someone of that era. Someone of that era. Someone of that era. Someone of that era. I knew as I said it was going to come out like a weird burn. It did.

We'll walk into the kids' room every once in a while. It wasn't so much I mentioned as a burn as I chose not to put the brakes on what I felt would be a burn. So yeah, you guys are... That's after the gramophone. In the Feywild, a dimension that runs parallel to your normal material plane, and you're deep in a cavern.

Bottom of a waterfall. You got a portal open where you just tried to skip some rapids. You're at the bottom of a waterfall. And you've still got that Feywild map that you grabbed from your Quaggoth friend. Oh, there it is.

Blaine's got it. I've got it. I've got the map. You're right at the bottom of that waterfall where it starts to angle up. And Tom just noticed, way up that shaft, clinging to a wall, is what appears to be a drow assassin. He's a bad

mother. A drow assassin is staring down at you a drow assassin. He's a bad mother. A drow assassin is staring down at you from many stories above. And you see just a cold vapor puff of air. Not because they're vaping. Wait, did we know it was an assassin? That might be the first reference. I'm kind of throwing Tom a bone here because I meant to say it sort of last time,

but I wanted to give you guys a little bit of suspense. How far up is he? I'm talking about... It's really hard for Tom to see. It's like at the edge of his vision. It's, you know, like... Does Tom have the best vision of all of us? I have a pretty good vision.

He just made the perception roll. Oh, right. And I'll say, just as your eyes kind of focus on it and you gather enough visually to say that looks like someone in dark assassin's garb. Uh-oh. It looks like a drow.

And you see the water vapor kind of puff out of their mouth. They disappear. Great. Perfect timing. They just kind of go... Do we all know this now? Tom, you want to tell us? What do you want to editorialize? Some kind of a dark

drow up there, guys. Cool thing. Very helpful. Drive up there, guys. Cool thing. Very helpful. Also, also, also, also he disappeared. And when it disappeared, it made a little sound like... So, did we all hear that? Vaguely. You didn't get a sound effects board, did you?

Made a little sound like... Did you hear the David Lee Roth isolated vocals effect. I'm sorry. What I meant to say was it made a little sound like... this. It's the same sound.

It's pretty quiet. It was far away, though. Smarty craft work. I really wish they had two points. You're all covered in phosphorescent slime. The Tultur, the big underwater monster, kind of slimed you to mark you and make it easier to attack and eat you.

Tom's kind of got sunburned suntan lines because he got a lot of that stuff on his armor, which then got acid burned away. You're bare-chested right now, Tom. I'll say. Your bare chest doesn't have any phosphorescent slime on it, but the rest of you guys are all kind of glowing. Like a plastic Jesus.

Hard to hide. Esmeralda saved Tui from the rapids. She did. And then slipped. And then you guys saved her and Tui. When a giant maw Thanks by the way for saving me. Unconscious. She went to go find you and yanked you out of the water and kept you

from being eaten. Me and Gago got you to safety. Gago helped too. He did. It's true. Although she intimidated the fuck out of him to make him do it. Gago was kind of a little a little asshole. I super need new armor. Oh yeah, you're armorless. You're taking an armor class penalty now.

Minus two, I would say. Yeah, minus two, because you just had to toss it. It was bubbling. Yeah. So, what you guys gonna do? You got kind of a breather, but you know there might be an assassin nearby. Chase a drow assassin. Well, I think we want to go up as much as we can, right? you guys gonna do you got kind of a breather but you know there might be an assassin nearby chase a drow assassin well i think we want to go up as much as we can right that's where he's

selling uh twee you come to uh taifa put some smelling salts under your nostrils and uh as you come to you just feel like a wreck huh what oh my god god guys. I had the weirdest dream. Yeah, what happened? I was in, like, my apartment, but it wasn't my apartment. It was, like, a mall, but it was, like, an apartment. And then, like, these llamas showed up, and the head of the llamas was Sting. He was riding the llamas, but he was also a llama, but it was Sting. And then I was... Was Lorenzo llamas?

No, no. It was Sting. The, like, llamas, like, the animals. And then Sting was And then I... Was Lorenzo Llamas there? No, no! Sting! Like, Llamas like the animals. And then Sting was the Llamas. And then the guy... Oh, man! And then I had a dream that this clock was going off. Uh-huh.

And I... Oh, man! What's going on? Oh! I could let that riff go forever because I was extremely distracted by Sarah and Ken looking at the D&D Beyond app. Because from here, you're so animatedly flipping through it.

It was like you're playing Fortnite on it or something. It was like a scene from Miracle Worker. It did look like that. I was trying to not. And I was yes-anding Blaine like we ran a morning zoo show. Seriously, there was another part. Yeah?

I was in this, and I had this I had like this house and this house was like a mall and the mall had like these fountains and the fountains had these fish and it kept going you're late you're late

I was like what is going on why are you how can you I mean you're like in a waterfall because they would talk to me in this waterfall and then I woke up hey Blaine

do a perception check huh Blaine's accent really came out in that dream telling I had to... I know, all of a sudden I realized he's from Virginia. He's not from Virginia. I forgot that I'm from Portugal. No, he sounded very like he was from Philadelphia to me.

Straight from the wire. Yeah, from Balmore. No, I'm from Dallastown, Pennsylvania. Do you need a 20-point? You spent some time in Baltimore, hon, right? It's a very similar It's a very similar You've never heard the Baltimore accent.

I can't do that. Wayne does not have a 20 to do his perception roll. He's digging around like a dope. You just say hon a lot. Yeah, that's what I did. 11. You realize that riff went on too long. Oh, man.

That's me. I'm going to smoke nine cigarettes and be on stage for four hours. You feel like there's some more stuff missing from your pockets from your time floating around. Like my acid wand? You feel like you lost some gold and maybe some other small items. You're not sure. All right. You need to do a long rest to really go through all your stuff all right i'm gonna uh i'm gonna try to go back to sleep pick up where i left

off you guys i was at the dentist but it was at a pet shop i mean i think we all need to stay awake and get the hell out of here with our evil cloak right yeah yep typha recovered for you a ridiculous artifact you now have uh the cloak of a dead god and it hurts to touch. It almost made Typha go crazy when she made physical contact with it. And she relays this to you guys. And there's currently a mage hand.

I believe Tom's holding it so no one has to make physical contact with it. And you're hoping the fact that you're in the Feywild allows your mage hand to last just a little longer than usual because you're not sure how safe it is for this thing to make contact with anything physical it seems very dangerous um particularly because uh typha tells you when she saw it underwater and i relayed this to chris tallman thanks again chris tallman for driving

typha last couple episodes but when i told uh this, I wanted to make sure you all knew. It didn't look like it was wet when it was underwater. It looked like it was possessing different physics than your average cloak. So you can all tell from looking at it. It's got crystals on it that don't look like it's made of any mineral you've ever seen before. And it doesn't flow from the cave and the waterfall winds the way other things flow through the air. Okay. Yeah, it seems very unusual.

And you do all feel as if there is a ticking clock, as if there is an assassin slowly approaching you. So the way that we were going to get out of here has to be the way that we got in, right? Which is we're going to have to portal. Someone has to create a portal at the very top, I assume, unless we can all levitate somehow all the way up oh well if we did that then we might escape the sky and he he'll have

to turn around and come up after us that's what yeah i just figured we might as well try to get out of here out of the feywild in general there's no reason to hang out right yeah um, do a perception check. All righty. You get to know some extended stuff if you're over 15 and a little stuff if you're over 10. 8 plus 11, 19. Okay, so it occurs two things. Nope. 14. This assassin, where you saw it,

you would feel compelled to tell everyone this assassin is between you and the exit. Okay. And you also remember as... I don't know if you meant for Esmeralda to say this necessarily, but when it comes up whether or not there's any reason to stay here, you do remember that Nettie is somewhere in the woods up on the surface. I just meant to get up to the top.

And you said the assassin disappeared, right? Yeah. So he's not between us and the exit. He's unknown. You know what? Let's have Tom do one more perception roll for this. We're going to take a step backwards. Dan, just tell us what you want to tell us.

Oh, man. He's going to get 11 anyway. You know it went. It didn't just disappear. It deliberately disappeared. Yeah, okay. It's hiding, you think. I'm giving you that much knowledge even though it's super far away because you are

an arcane trickster rogue and it looked like it implied some kind of obfuscation. And he rolled a fucking 30. Yeah. It applied some sort of stealth magic to hide from you. Okay. Well, so we just used...

We have two different portal staffs. So we just used the one... And one of them's running to portals right next to you. Right, so we don't want to use that one because that's going to... Probably want to put some distance before you give it a few swings.

But the other one we could use if someone wants to take it. I'm trying to figure out the staff myself. One of you guys is going to have to go. We weren't talking to you, Gaga. Why don't you set my date? What?

So with the other staff. Guys, we are on Thursdays at 8. Try to keep it together. So we should do one of the because how long does a port do we know how long it lasts no you don't you haven't had any time issues with it other than when it's like pulling things in like a vacuum it seems like to

just accumulate a lot does tweeze nap count as a rest does he get his spells back when he like can he levitate and stuff? You would have to do a true long rest where the goal for everybody is to rest. We would have to do a tiny hut thing.

He can fly. He can just fly at will? Using his Dossalute, I believe. He realized when he played it on the way down that he seems to be able to extend like, extend his flight for longer than usual in the Feywild, so you feel like you can get up and down this shaft with that,

but you know doing that you'd have to get past this assassin. I mean, it seems like that would be the best bet would be to, if anyone has any... Why doesn't one of us, sorry to interrupt, but why don't one of us portal up past the assassin and come behind him? I think because we have to see beyond, and we don't know where he is now, right? We have to see where we're shooting the portal to.

But if we just send Blaine up, like rocketing up, and we give him some defensive stuff, then maybe he can just get up there as soon as he can. I was just unconscious. Who wants a DM freebie? Who wants a DM freebie? Sure. You've never tried casting a portal from the staff more than a few feet in front of you.

Right. Okay. But we weren't going to. Technically. We weren't going to. We're going to do one here, and then he would take it up and do the other one up there. No, but we could technically point it and cast it on a wall way far away and get there from here. Yes, that's what we...

I think is what we're saying. That's what we did. That's what we were going to do when we were going up the rapids. But we can't point it all the way down in the cave. Right now you've hit basically another part of a triangle. So we're like so far down. Right. Now you've gone as far as one portal series could take you.

You'd have to do it again. Right. So anyway, yeah. You can cast one here and then one is about as high up as the assassin was. It would basically take you to where the assassin was last. But couldn't we cast one here, give it to Blaine and whoever he can carry, and he can just shoot up as fast as possible? I'll go up and fight this guy.

Okay. Yeah, you can do that. I have a levitate spell too if you want me to levitate stuff or I can bring people up with me. Yeah, maybe you should bring one person at least with you. A fighter. Does that make sense to everybody? And then hopefully the

portal lasts long enough. We don't know for sure. Yeah, I'll go. Do you want to go? I'm fine to wait if someone else wants to go. I'm fine to wait if someone else wants to go. Yeah. I do have a little armor deficiency. Oh, you have armor. I have a middle seat and I have a couple of rose.

I'll go. You could go in. We should have a good fighter at top and bottom. So if you go with Blaine, you can protect him and fight on the way up. And I can stay here in case. All right. Sounds good. Cool.

Well, the time limit I gave you guys is out, so let's get down to business. Blaine, you cast Levitate on Bodhi, right? So it's easier to bring him up? It sure is. All right, so you guys head up, and I'm going to ask you to... Hey, Bodhi, what's that like? It's like being underwater, isn't it?

It's a portal, right? Well, that's the thing. One portal has two... One staff has two portals running and you're gonna use a clean staff basically right so um you're gonna give it to him to take all the way up right so he can even get like past the corner so like if i can borrow the map again and show you what i'm talking about um he's gonna cast one have a pen out or something he's like a pointer. One of those pencils.

One of those nerd pencils. I got a pen. So like you can see about this high up. Is that where you want to put the second one? Or are you going to try and send Blaine so high that he can get like way up here? Yeah, we're going to try. He's going to try to open the portal on the surface, I thought. Okay.

And you're down here. Yeah. So you're going to try and open one, and then the second one up here. That was the... Unless people think... have a better idea or something that... Okay. Sounds good. Okay. I also have a backup if this doesn't work.

A plan B? I have dimension door spells, and I can just come back down if I need to. He does... He did... I have a dimension door spell, and I have a cape that allows me to dimension door. While you're thinking about this plan, I have a cape that allows me to Dimension War. While you're thinking about this plan, I'm saying you're right about to go up, I'm going to give you one last prep roll where you can think of something, Blaine.

Sure. We do an Arcana check, difficulty 20. 11. What's your Arcana bonus though? Don't you get a nice one? My Arcana bonus is my Intelligence, which is a plus 2. Nope, you get a special Arc. My Arcana bonus is my Intelligence, which is a plus two. Nope.

You get a special Arcana bonus. Look closer. You get plus six, buddy. Get a little closer. Still doesn't get him there, right? What? Who?

Can I try? I have an Arcana bonus. You sure do. Same difficulty. I have a Tex Arcana bonus. It helps me get these beers from Texas all the way to that NASCAR race.

21 total? I saw this riff come up all the way across the country. Hey, Blaine. Esmeralda just realized something from her Elder Tonight training that you're going to find extremely important.

Sorry. Grape ape. Dimension Door is not going to work the same in the Feywild. You're 100% sure of it, Esmeralda. Okay. Okay. Dan just told me that.

You don't know what that means? Sarah didn't know that mean that but could be good could be bad could be weird makes make sense um but yeah I'll take it thank you what your arcana check out so thanks for the heads up you grab Bodhi you cast levitate on you start shooting up how dark is it? It's very dark, but the only person I got a torch. who is at a disadvantage with that is Typha,

who's staying at the bottom of the waterfall. All you guys have enough darkvision where the darkness is not bothering you at all. Okay, cool. Maybe I wouldn't light it. I will say, you are glowing, too. Right, okay. All of you guys, with the slight exception of wouldn't light it yeah i would i will say you're glowing too right okay you you you are a big all

of you guys uh with the slight exception of uh gago and tom because his torso is a little unlit uh you're all lit up like christmas trees um so uh you make it all the way up to where you saw the assassin and nothing happens. Keep going without stopping? There's no like... We can't see any evidence of anything. There's nothing. Do an investigation check. And I won't tell you the difficulty until you tell me your roll.

Okay, so you get a plus four Blaine. 17. With an intelligence, which is a plus 2. No, and your investigation which is plus 4. You get a bigger bonus for investigation than 21. Great.

What do you get, Bodhi? 7. You get a plus 0 I think for investigation. You're going to have to rely on Tweet for this one. A little smarty pants over there. Thanks, Blaine. Watch me on Simon

and Simon and Simon this weekend. Without wanting to stop, you look around and look at the rocks and you do see there's pretty heavy dew marks from all the splashing water because this is kind of like a bend in the rapids and the waterfall.

And it looks like there's some spots on the wall where something has wiped away the very careful little marks of dew. So you think something has been clinging to this wall. Like right next to where you are. Okay.

Any tracks up down? Yes, actually. Okay, cool. You see tracks going up. any tracks up down yes actually okay cool you see tracks going up alright great hey I'm invisible now can I do that alright does my invisibility at this level

encompass Bodhi here no it doesn't encompass Bodhi but it does work for the glowing slime okay I'm just going to I'm just going to make sure that nobody can see me No, it doesn't encompass Bodhi, but it does work for the glowing slime. Okay. I'm just going to make sure that nobody can see me. We're going to keep going. Bodhi is now floating and glowing.

All right. I'm going to ask both of you guys to do a dexterity saving throw. Actually, let me double check this. What the heck was that? Construction. It sounds like your son's building a small fort. Yep, that'll be a dexterity saving throw. You get advantage.

Remember, you get danger sense. So you get to roll a second time, Brian. You get danger sense. So you get to roll a second time, Brian. Take the higher number. Cool. It's not athletics. It's decks. It's decks. I got a four plus five, which is a nine.

What was your inevitable high roll? Eight. All right. Well, you got the lower roll. So this is happening to Brian. Guess what? What? All of a sudden, there are arms grabbing you from behind. Uh-huh.

What are you going to do? Flip him. Why don't you three roll initiative? Eleven. Thirteen. Why don't you three roll initiative? 11. 13. 15. Guys, the midterms are coming up.

There's a lot of important issues, but remember, vote no on Roe v. Waite. You're reaching behind you to try to flip them uh the first thing you're gonna need is an athletics check uh-huh you're gonna like that uh and this is gonna be difficulty oh 20. ha ha fucking yes 13 plus 7 okay so you reach back and with great difficulty you feel their arms press against your throat they're still trying to keep around your throat as you do it. You just see an assassin, a drow assassin, just face-to-face with you, and you've got it right like this. Okay.

It's a woman. Okay. What? And their hands are, like, around your neck. Right. What are you going to do? Throw her to the ground and stomp on her. There's kind of

a vertical shaft underneath you. He's floating in the air. He's a bad vertical motherfucker. All right. This is going to be an athletics check

difficulty of 20 again. No. All right. Their turn. Ro ain't missing you. Ro ain't missing you. Ro ain't missing you at all. So if they try to choke you out, it doesn't work. And then they punch you in the face for two damage.

All right. Now I'm pissed. Blaine, you're up. He's getting punched, by you just you just see a drow assassin suddenly appear on brian's back he pulls back rips them in front of him and they're like upside down like locked eyes with them and they're just like punching him in the face one hand on his throat one fist in his face, while Brian is just trying to get them off of his neck. Can I use my

mage hand to gouge his eyes? You can try. I'm going to use my mage hand to gouge his eyes. It's a dirty move, but... It's a she. This will be an Arcana check, difficulty 15. Arcana check, difficulty 15. Arcana check, difficulty 15.

Arcana check. That's an 8 plus... What's my Arcana? It's a plus 6. Arcana bonus is a plus 6. 14. All right. So roll a 1d4.

That's the one with four sides, right? One! So they take one point of damage, and the main chain just kind of goes right in their face, and they don't really flinch. Bodhi, you're up. Frenzy. Alright, what are you going to do with that frenzy? Okay. Slasher with the Herald of Kelmar.

All right. That's 16 on the first one. Okay. They scoot to the side of your Void. And that one's a lot lower. Yep, you miss again. Yep yeah you just can't you just can't connect it three right I'm frenzy mm-hmm that's a hit it's 18 plus what you don't know what their armor class 25 I yeah

that is a hit that is okay cold throw for damage Blaine, what is me rolling for damage brought to you by? Oh, this rolling for damage is brought to you by Denny's. Hey, do you need to pee? I got to pee. Denny's. Hey, do you need to pee? I gotta pee. Denny's. Ten. Alright.

That's a lot of damage. So, you managed to slash her across. That sounds like the worst commercial jingle. That's a lot of damage. Slash her across the gut. Minus! You got a lot of damage. And she's gonna have some fun with you now. Yep, that's a critical.

She pulls out a sword. Are we hearing anything down at the bottom of the shaft? Any screams? I know. I unfortunately have to put pause on you guys. P-A-U-S-E. Brian, you take 14 points of damage as they pull out something that looks like a long katana-like knife

and stab you right in the stomach. Oh. That's the drought, right? Yeah, it was a drought. And, Blaine, you just see a big sword come out and just, like, harikari right into his gut. And just one? Right now there's just one and she's swinging again.

And she twists it for eight more points of damage. eight more points of damage. All right. And then she disappears. Gone down the shaft. Just like that. Remember in Mad Men when the guy, when that woman,

was it a guy or a woman that fell down the shaft? And everybody was like, that's how Don Draper's going to die, falling down that shaft. Remember that? And then Donald Trump. Brian, you see her disappear before you feel the pain going in your stomach. And then all of a sudden you just feel something get yanked out of your gut. As if the sword is invisible and being pulled out of your gut and you just sort of feel your intestines separate

as they just narrowly missed the blade. Luckily you'll still be able to shit tonight without a bag but it was a close call. I had my intestines separated a couple of weeks ago. Let me tell you what. Gentlemen, you're taken out of combat temporarily.

Please do a perception roll. 14. What'd you get, Brian? 18. Oh, okay. So 17. Oh, great. Okay.

You think you hear somewhere nearby, just like a... But that's it. Okay. You know she's nearby. All sound effects lead to hereditary clicks. All right. What you gentlemen going to do? What you gentlemen going to do?

Mavis came in. Hi, baby. Can I zero in on where that sound came from? Yep. Do an investigation check. Your bonus, according to the online version I have for investigation is plus

four. Seventeen. Okay. Yeah. You feel like she is somewhere in the wall above you she went back up okay okay oh good

well then I'm going to send a thunder wave that way can I do that you sure can let me check out the Thunderwave damage here. You know, I remember the first time I used the Thunderwave. It was crazy. We went to one of those go-kart tracks,

and we were racing these people. I don't know where they were from. I think they were from Maryland. And, oh, my God. We need to get Blaine the spell card, so that's what I'm wearing. Anyway, I sent out a Thunder Wave and fuck those people.

Thunder Wave is a 15 foot square. They keyed my Odyssey. 15 foot cube, I think. Wait, wait, wait. They're going to do a saving throw. They certainly didn't make that. Alright, roll 2d8. It's 2d8.

There's one of the eight. Here's 2d8. Oh, three. That's a good one. That's a good one. You see her shake back. It's opposite day, right? She shakes back into vision.

She doesn't fall off the wall. All of a sudden, you just see her pop about 15 feet above you, clinging to the wall, and she's angrily staring at you. But you can see her, right, Bodhi? Yes. Yeah, you can both see her. She, however, doesn't see you, Blaine. Oh, right, I'm invisible.

Yeah, and she was not... Hey, can I out myself and say that if Thunderwave is an attack, that would get rid of my invisibility? Am I still levitating? I am, right? Say that again, Blaine. There's something really specific I'm listening for here. Can you out yourself because... Because I attacked, but I was invisible, but Thunderwave is an attack, so I'd be visible. That's true. You would be visible now.

Alright. Can I be wearing a towel? What the? Are you going to do anything yet? Yeah. I'm going to drift towards the wall, and then I'm going to use the wall to push off to

fly at her with my next attack. Okay. Done. And then you say, burp, Charlie, burp. Because he's floating around. You're first. You're back in combat, same order. What are you going to do?

You're in striking distance. I'm going to push off the wall and fly at her with the barrel to Gilmore. You just barely get to keep your frenzy because of how little time uh yeah it's a damage 25 yeah okay uh nine all right so you would just slash across here can you go for the next attack oh yeah yeah 9 alright so you just slash across can you go for the next attack 17

that's a miss roll one more time for a frenzy oh my god I should have kept the 11 that's a 16 is that hit? nope really? Oh my god! I should have kept the 11. That's a 16. Is that hit? Nope.

Really? Yep. Fuck. She jumps back on you. Succeeds. She is now grabbing you by the shoulders from the front. She's not trying that choke hold from behind thing this time. not trying that choke hold from behind thing this time and she uh pulls something out of a little pouch in her bag and you can't quite see what it is but it makes that noise and uh you're being attacked by a morning zoo get a weird little stinging feeling in your old wound and take

another six don't want to work points just want to bang on my drum all day. How are things looking out there on the bypass? How many points did I take? You take six damage. And then she disappears again. Alright. You feel really bad in your tum tums. Okay.

Do an investigation check. Investigation. It's just an 11. All right. You feel like she did something different this time when she stabbed you. All right. I'm still going to kill her. All right.

What are you guys gonna do? You're kind of semi-out of combat again. She's disappeared. Can I... I kind of know where she was, right? Do another investigation check. If I can figure out where she is... With an 11... Investigation...

Intelligence... 13? Nope. uh, uh, investigation, intelligence, uh, 13. Nope. All right. You lost her. She's a fucker. She was right above us,

right? Right behind him. She was, she was above last time. Okay. Uh, I'm going to throw up. Both get one more turn each and then you're out of combat and you get exhausted from using your frenzy. Okay. If you don't find her this round, can I use your frenzy for a while? I got to throw up. You both get one more turn each, and then you're out of combat, and you get exhausted from using your frenzy. Okay.

If you don't find her this round. Can I use your frenzy for a while? I got to go downtown. Yes. Pick up some stuff. Hey, I'm going to throw a web up. Go for it. We still just don't hear anything happening.

The rushing water now. Yeah, not fair. Not fun. So up and around goes my web. All right. Do a... I want to just really quick do a... Try and decide what...

We're going to call this a... I think this might be like silly string on triple wires. We're going to call this another perception roll. You get a really great bonus for this. You get a plus six, but roll a 20, please. 15 plus six, 21 Alright, she's webbed You see her She shakes it off

It didn't really connect But it was enough that she got pulled out of her hiding spot So you see her She's another 20 feet above It looked like she was trying to run away this time Groovy Can you see her, Bodhi? Yeah, I'm going to push off again at her.

Alright. You're up in the comment order again. That's 24. Alright. That one hits. Yep. Roll for damage. That's a Captain Underpants thing. It's also Dom DeLuise So she takes

10 more points of damage And you And you get that You get that But before you swing the second time You take 3 points of damage in your stomach As you realize she left something in your stomach The last time she stabbed you.

A calling card of sorts. I'm a rogue comic. Do you know how many times I've fucking had diarrhea? So you rolled a brutal critical. So let's get into it. Don't I have a really brutal critical?

There's something. All right, yeah. I got it. Okay, so... You roll an additional weapon die for the damage. So whatever you normally roll, you get to throw another dice in there for your damage. And then we're still going to double it.

Jesus Christ. Oh, yeah. that's a strong roll uh it's a 14 times two right yeah you just did 28 points of damage so uh not bad blaine you see he hacks at her once and then he hacks at her again. And she just goes spinning and falls down the shaft. Oh, great. You guys see a drow go... And go crunch right next to you. Did I kill her? Oh, good. You think so.

From your point of view, you killed her. You guys... She's dead. You guys so? From your point of view, you killed her. You guys see a very still drow on the ground. It looks like her back is broken. Okay, roll her over to look at her. She dead?

Do an investigation check. Ah! Can you ask us some stuff about passwords and stuff before she dies? Hang on. So you got a nine? Is that with your bonus? Yeah. Okay.

First I got to do her fall damage that I calculated, and it's not pretty. All right. She's breathing very slightly. Her eyes are closed. I grab... Can I ask Typha for her smelling salts? Yeah, she hands them over. Okay.

First, I tie up her legs and arms like I hog tie her. Do a medicine check. Hey, you guys. If you need me to light her up Let me know Six As you do it You hear a snap noise And you don't think you killed her

But you think you did some more damage Which I'm calculating Oh well That's why paramedics always put this head screws on You get a feeling She's bleeding out really fast. There's just wounds all over her body. What are you doing here?

Are you asking her in a way that would frighten her or in a way that would appease her? Different difficulties for each that I'm not going to tell you. But you get your bonuses. I tell her. No, I'm actually going to tell her. But you get your bonuses. I tell her, no, I'm actually going to tell her, I'm going to be like, I'm going to be like, why are you attacking us? We have her cloak, and we were bringing it to be freed.

Oh, interesting tech. She's dying, so I just... But you're going to kind of like persuade her? Yeah, I'm going to try to be like... Okay, roll a 20 and add your persuasion. One. I think I just broke her back again with my words. You get a plus two.

Yeah, so I got a three total. Is that a double negative for you? I did roll a one. She just kind of blinks at you and you feel like you missed an opportunity, but you've got one more round before she's dead. You're imitating. I'm going to intimidate her.

All right. Tell us what you're doing here. Roll 20. It's pretty intimidating. I'll tell her. Roll 20 and then I want to see some real intimidation. This girl is going to be fucking nuts even if you get a small number

what the fuck your dice tower my dice disappeared you've got dice constipation dice constipation hey hickory dickory doc I'll be out in a minute that's an 8 plus that's over a 20 doc. I'll be out in a minute.

That's an 8 plus. That's over a 20. What did you say again? What are you doing here? She says I know you're trying to stop us but it's too late.

We'll help her no matter what. Alright, you both took a turn this round. You both got one more round, you think, and then she's dead. Is there a curb nearby? You don't know. You already dealt. You got to kill her. You gonna ask her anything again, or are you just going to fucking execute her?

What are you going to do? Because you can try and roll again to persuade or intimidate. Yeah, I mean, that went great. But you've lost the logic train. Yeah, I don't think I can now say the other thing. Yeah. I don't think I can now say the other thing. I tell her that we're... I say...

We're going to destroy her and all of you and everything you stand for. And I'm sorry you're going to miss it. And then I kill her. Girl! Oh my God. No, I want to watch her face while I... Cool.

Do a perception roll. Instagram it. Total gram. Boomerang. Yeah, do a perception roll. No. I mean, I'm bad at that. You didn't get a good number off of that roll?

No, I didn't. Okay. You don't really you don't read anything into her facial expression i pretend i do except that she looks yeah for the gram you're like she looks pissed yeah i got it uh and how do you execute her um okay oh did you have one okay so i guess i intimidated her as well okay i i oh that's oh yeah you're gonna try and sneak in before she gets okay so i'm raising raising my hand to swing my battle axe down on her face, but then I see that Tom wants to...

Wait, wait, wait. Well, she said times two. That's all you're going to say? All right, and so your battle axe just comes crushing down on her. That is a Vin Diesel like whip Vin Diesel like whip as you execute her you feel like she was already deep into the negatives with her hit points

and all you really did was smite her against the rocks but you definitely you had the final act in her life. Yeah, I used the Amaro filter. The what? No.

You killed her. You killed her. You executed her. Across the rocks. Let's put some blood blood go across and drip down the waterfall rocks. What are you going to do? These guys got some time to fight her,

so I'll give you a chance to examine her or whatever you want to do. Yeah, let's go through her, rifle her belongings. Great. Both of you just do an investigation check, please. Just roll a 20 and add your bonuses. You get a plus four time,

and Esmeralda, you get a... What the double... What'd you get? I have now rolled a one, a two, a three, and a 4 in a row. Just keep rolling. You'll get there eventually. Is that true?

That's awesome. You have sequential dice. That's a good way to find out. What did you roll? 19. With your bonus or without? With my bonus. You're not sure

if she had a bigger weapon it looks like she's got some kind of sheath that uh a weapon was in that maybe she dropped it when she fell down you can't find it at the moment i mean who knows it might have washed away it might be on rocks nearby you're not sure but she's got a little uh little pouches and she's got like um this sort of like leather cuirass and the bottom of it fans out and it's got this sort of leather cuirass and the bottom of it fans out and it's got pockets in it. You find three little burrs. They look like almost

giant tick, what do you call them? Tiddlywinks. They're very sharp. You're not sure what the deal with those is. Shurikens kind of? They're kind of like shurikens but they're round. They've got points. Or shurikens? They're more like burrs. They're like burrs? They're kind of like shurikens but they're round Or shurikens They're more like burrs

They're not flat And then you find a note in drow Ah Spider tracer What does it say? Great question Do either of you know tongues? Do either of you speak drow?

I got some kind of language How far are we from this? Way far away You saw the assassin go Do either of you speak drow? I got some kind of language. How far are we from this? I can't. Way far away. You saw the assassin go tumbling down the waterfall. Should we go down? We should head down, right? Follow the body?

They should come to us, but we're trying to get out of here. I forgot what you were doing. Yeah, I think they forgot what they were doing. We're trying to escape. We're trying to go up. Okay. What are we hanging around for? Let's get out of here.

As far as you know, she was dead when she left your vision, so you don't think they're in danger. I went back into Vitello's to see if I had left my gun in the booth. Oh, God. Can you do a song of healing? Yes. Do a song of healing. song of healing yes you sung a healing he'll be there with some some things that will heal for you he'll be there that's all i got

sorry it's very hot today we're in in a heat dome. Yeah, we are. All right. How many points did I get back from that? Roll for it. I think it's... When you guys don't remember what any of your stuff does, it just means that I am extra dumb. Hi, my name is Blaine Kapat from Nerd Poker.

Listen, sometimes I say stuff that isn't funny. But you know what? I like to cop to it. And tonight's one of those times. That little riff on that Motown thing was pretty bad. I'll admit it. But you know what? That's part of what makes me not that funny.

Own it up to when something isn't funny. Back to you, Brian Posey from Brian Posey's Nerd Poker. Thanks. Roll 1D8. Who? Him or me? Blaine. Nope. Six. Alright. So what level spell is it?

One or two? Which one? Healing. Oh, two. Two? Okay. That's eight points of damage you get back. Brian? Cool. And then you take another three points

of damage as you feel something in your stomach gnaw at you again. Yeah. Something's still stuck in there. I took her belted patch thing. Great. There's still stuck in there. I took her belted patch thing. Great. There's three things in there. Well, I'm going to get against a wall and try to investigate what's got stuck in me.

Roll a 20. You're going to do a medicine check, buddy. Why do I call you buddy? I don't have medicine. You have a negative one to medicine so five there's a physical object in your abdomen oh really okay well I'm gonna try to pull it out

my doctor left his watch in my urethra once that's gonna be another medicine check and this time it's gonna be a difficulty of 15 and you know it's gonna be hard yeah it might be a bad idea. And there's a chance you can succeed and cause damage. Fuck. Who could help me that knows what the hell they're doing?

I have a guess, but I'm going to really quick do a scan. Just Typha? My medicine's a plus three. Yes. Typh is good, but Twee, you perk up, and you remember you've actually learned a lot, especially from your experience trying to help the lost city of Morgothal in the last campaign when you kind of wove that elf into a dead treant.

Morgothal, Morgothal. So you realize you have a huge bonus to medicine all of a sudden and you see Bodhi leaning against the wall and you're like, I should maybe help him out with that. I'm going to go over and kind of like stand behind him in a very

Donald Sutherland way and give him a lot of advice and good vibes. Roll a 20. Nine. You get a plus 10 to that. 26? No.

And then you look at his abdomen and you find what looks like a burr, like a round tiddlywink fist-sized object. I've seen one of them. It's underneath Bodhi's mail and it's like in his flesh it's underneath there and you think you can get it out you think

you got the skills to pay those bills and you can tell just from the way he's wincing from having it in there that he's going to take damage when you pull it out do you prepare him for this inevitability? Hey, Bodhi, who's that lady I saw you with? What lady?

Four. Four plus, okay, so that's a 14. Bodhi, do a constitution saving throw. Six plus two is eight. 8 roll 1d6 you take 6 points of damage as he unsuccessfully attempts to yank the ball of spikes

out of your stomach what is a tiddlywink? I thought they were like little round discs it's like playing jacks you know like those little is it jacks? You know, like those little... Yeah. Is it jacks? It looks like both of you, because you're looking at two different versions of it up and down the waterfall. I think I just don't know what

Tilly... I thought Tilly Winks were like little discs. Maybe I'm thinking of Shrinky Dicks. It's like a round steel pine cone is in Bodhi's abdomen right now. Okay. Can I cast Yule Gibbons and have him come in and eat it? Many parts are edible. Oh my god.

We're going to get three letters. He did his best. He made a terrible roll and you took damage as he tried to yank it out. But you get a sense that Tui knows what he's doing. He just had some bad luck. So. What do you want to do from here? bad luck. So, uh,

what do you, what do you, what do you want to do from here? Uh, sorry about pulling the thing out of your abdomen. I'll wait for him to do it again. You're gonna try it again. I'm going to try it again.

Right. Uh, as you, as you prepare to do it again, uh, Brian, you take another three points of damage. Is he down way low?

He's going up and down. Cause way low? He's going up and down because you healed him. He's now suffered a lot of the pain back again. Ten. That's a success. You yank it out. You're going to just this time, instead of a d6, can you roll a d4?

Sure. This is the exit pain. great so you take another two points of damage but now you're free of this thing that was gnawing away at your guts okay hey i found this mad ball uh you're gonna head back up yeah all right so um we're gonna do one final roll a lot of yelling and dog barking in this episode i know it's because we're recording to do one final roll for you guys. There's a lot of yelling and dog barking in this episode. I know, it's because we're recording a little earlier than usual. So there's like doorbell ringing. Full on family.

My wife yelling at my son to take a bath. Street full of kids playing in a hydrant. All right. Do a stealth check, you two. You're trying to get up to the top of the tunnel. And this is going to take you an hour and a half. And this is just going to see 20 where we leave the cliffhanger.

It's a very good roll. 10. And your bonus is a 9 so you just rolled a 19. You guys have amazing stealth and over the course of the next two hours

you see tons of weird like everything from uh like little little worm bug sized creatures writhing on the walls to like large gopher sized creatures kind of like looking for those creatures uh clinging to the walls crawling around you go past the guardian doors and you make it to the top you two guys it's a long way to the top I know that's why it takes you a couple hours and you guys make it past the pit of the second sky

and as you hit the surface you get a little uncomfortable you realize you're still in the Feywild you realize you've made it out of the pit but you're still not home so to speak you two are with Typha and Gago and this corpse of an assassin

I'm going to give you do you make us a hut somewhere and a portal window and a portal window are you guys opening the portal right away now that you're up top oh you hadn't said that they They might have just left.

Can you? I'm still a little dazed from being almost dead. So you know how the portals work better than I do, right? Sure. I open it. Great. You guys, a long time goes by by and you realize it's probably okay You got a really good feeling doing up there. You got a really good feeling from the fact that an assassin

That was basically gutted like tumble down and smash when you feel like they're taking care of business up there whatever Trouble they might encounter if that was the only one You also don't see any signs of anything for the next two hours I'll let you do one more before they do. I'll say you'll probably want to search the assassin a little bit more. Just because so much time has gone by, I think

the curiosity might get the better of you. If you like, you can search the body one more time. Cavity search. Touch the dead body more, Dan, if you insist. No. I would think two hours go by. You can do whatever you want.

Do a mold check. Do whatever you want, but as your DM, I'll tell you, this is one option that is definitely... I'm going for it. I'm doing it. Go for it. Perception. 16.

Great. Are you doing anything? Are you just letting... I'll check it out, too. Let your old psycho over there... I've got no healing. There's nothing really we can do other than this. I think he's suggesting

this is something worth doing. Yeah, totally. I'm going in the cavities. Looking between the toes. Million. What'd you roll? 29. Jesus, fuck. Okay, so Esmeralda

As you rifle through You find a very curious Map It doesn't make a ton of sense It's got a lot of blobs on it There's no like dots marking it But you recognize that there are a series of patterns And there are locations on it

There's no language written on it either Can I try to use my wits To decipher it? Perhaps next episode. What did I see? You find hidden underneath one of her sleeves a spring-loaded device of some kind that you feel like she's expended something

that was in it, but you suspect that it could fire off a small knife. So, it's one of the things I got stabbed with. I like it. I'll take that shit. Is it one size fits all? Yes.

At least close enough. I mean, drows are a bit smaller. Is it one size fits me? You think you could get it around your arm. All right, good. And then as you finish kind of looting this broken body, you hear a human voice go, Zoop,

and a portal opens up next to the portal that was previously just sort of a blank spot. I can't believe you didn't put Zoop on the soundboard. I really wish I had. I can't believe you didn't put Joop on the soundboard. I really wish I had. And you know what? Your voice just going in Joop. I think we established that it was a human woman saying Joop because I think the joke started from Sarah. So I wish I'd found-

Is that why it's human woman in your head? Because I'm the first. I said Joop and you guys all laughed at me. It's hilarious. I'm kind of like trying to do a callback of your joke. Joop. The human woman. Yeah.

I need to get someone else I know to do the sound effect and have it ready so I can just scare you with it out of nowhere. All of a sudden you just hear zoop. Can you say zhandwich? But the portals reunite you as we end the episode. Hi guys. How is everybody? What's going on? I run slow through the portal.

I grate them with my arms wide open. Who's up for a tiny hut? Me. Let's get out of the Feywild. Next episode, I guess. Next episode, we shall try to escape the Feywild. What will it be like? Who knows?

Patreon. Yeah, check out our Patreon. This episode's going up soon. It goes up tonight. If you're in San Diego I will be at Comic Con on that Thursday night

do you happen to remember the name of the theater I'm at? I do the Casbah I'm at the Casbah Derek Sheen, I will have two guest sets from my friends Derek Sheen and our lovely Dungeon Master that I'm staring at right now.

He won't look at me. He said lovely and I didn't want to look at you. He's giving gentle stare into his eyes. It's going to be a funny Comic Con type show to go to. Even if you don't like comicals.

If anyone is listening to this tonight. BrianPosain.com. On Patreon. If this is, if you're listening to this on Tuesday and you live in LA, I'm doing a show at UCB Tuesday night. Put your hands together. And there's t-shirts and stuff too.

Go to near mintmerch.com slash nerd poker, or just look at our recent tweets and you'll see links. You can buy three different shirts and it's a good time. Cool. Thanks, you guys. Bye. Thanks for listening to another episode of Nerd Poker. You can follow us at patreon.com slash

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