Nerd Poker - Episode 24 - Braining Men

Episode Date: July 3, 2019

Our heroes have hit a crossroads: do the Ice Five continue their journey south towards Dame Island and the mysterious Archmage of Vanzervale, or do they stop for a moment and talk to some seemingly not-that-evil mind flayers? In previous campaigns our cast was likely to murder anyone that looks at them funny, so could they possibly want to stop and commiserate with these incredibly creepy brain devourers? Answer: maybe! Sarah could not make it this episode or next, we beg your forgiveness.

Hey everybody, I'm Brian Poussin, Comedian, writer, actor, nerd. I've been playing D&D with my friends for a long time. I decided to do a new podcast where we play Dungeons & Dragons in my very own dining room. With my wife, kid, and my noisy dogs. So meet my friends Sarah, Kev, Dan, Blaine, Chris. Now it's time for another episode of Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker. Season three. Hey, everybody.

I'm Brian Poussaint, and you're listening to Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker. My son isn't here. He is at the premiere for Toy Story 4. With his new daddy. Hanging out with John Wick, his new daddy. We're down one friend this week. It's a sad house. No ladies in the house.

Sarah's not here. Sorry. Everybody. She's fine, by the way. She's fine. We just wanted to play. And she couldn't. My other friends are here, so

cheer up. Chris. Look, we wish she was here, okay? We wish she was here. Oh, yeah. Should we redo this? Oh, this is it? Oh, this is it. Chris. Hi. Ken. Do I make you happy? So happy.

Dan. I miss her. Dwayne. I love this shirtless rule you have. That's good. Let's get to wrestling. I'd like to thank a few Patreon supporters who will make this feel better. Yeah, yeah. Thank you, Dr.

Woosh. Woosh. Oh, he did try it. Thank you, The Skeletoragon Trail. What the hell? That's a portmanteau. We should start over. I'm just kidding. Thank you, Tim Tash.

Oh, delicious. And last but not least, thank you, the Golden Taint of Mr. Belvedere. Thank you, the Golden Taint of mr belvedere thank you the golden taint yeah i classic story love that story i've sat on my balls a couple times and i've sat on your balls a couple times yeah they're very comfortable i have a beanbag like well yeah they're like one of those beanbag chairs that look like Snorlax, except it's your balls. Do you have big balls?

I've got big balls. Well, this is what happens when Sarah's not here. Hey, everybody, let's get you caught up on where we left off, because we haven't played the main campaign in a couple of weeks. That's the main reason we're recording this. It's time for the main campaign. Tell us what's in front of us, too. Oh, you know,

we should definitely post photos of this. It's our Dwarven Forge. We have invested, ladies and gentlemen. They are not a sponsor. No. We bought out of pocket

with our Patreon money and other money. When you give me a $20 bill at a comedy club know that now you might be buying us uh miniatures and stuff from pass this around everybody this is hand painted it's beautiful uh texture tiles made it to make your little peoples feel real you guys it's the coolest shit like a week i don't know why this part of dnd i feel like we didn't do a lot of it well you had in our old games i'm gonna keep pressuring you guys to paint your delicious too pat and always had miniatures but none of us really did in our

old games miniatures you either need to paint your minis or get new minis and paint them if you don't like the texture because they they are starting to look very... Did you see it open by itself? I know. We didn't have walls and floors. No, that's what I mean. Because you'd have to make it yourself. Playing on grids is fun, but this is an extra level.

It's super cool. Yeah. I'll let you get in there. We're going to use this shit out of this. Hey, Dan, did you bring your What Happened last week voice? Yes, I did. Oh, good. No, your last week

voice. Oh, yeah. Last time on Nerd Poker, our heroes decided to sail south out of the North Sea. They had just gotten away from Havocula, a mutated dragon that demanded fealty and got some semi-treasure out of our party. You managed to deceive him enough that you were able to sail away with some of the cooler jazz that you found.

I really hate that guy. Dark Thirt really hates that guy. He is not only going to remember you for a while in an antagonistic fashion, but he may have an enemy for life in Halcyon who scared the piss out of him while she was rappelling down the side of a glacier. So you got away from him eventually, but he left some truck nuts stuck to the back of your boat. And he marked you. stuck to the back of your boat.

And he marked you. You're not sure if the extent of being marked by the dragon was those leathery pods he stuck to the back of your boat, but you did have them removed by a very friendly pirate clan you met

along the seaside. Acting as a sort of checkpoint between the open whirlpool that was magically created by the comet and the coastline, stopping all boats that go through, was a pirate clan known as the Thixit Clan, headed by Captain Snaginthus. he managed to give you guys a couple of cool little deals in that he accepted a bargain rate for your passage through. He used a large machine to pry the truck nuts off your boat and kill the cloakers they revealed themselves to be. And now you're just kind of hanging out with this seafaring mind flayer and

his mind flayer buddies. Except, I believe, for Dagthyr, who decided they were too gross and is beneath deck with Hoshinka, Junkle, and Fegmaw. That is what we left our heroes in. We'll go back to this other voice that is just me and my annoying nasally tones.

Welcome back. Yeah. You're just sort of hanging out talking to snag and thus dark you missed it there was this dude that just did the recap of our show did he seem like a real man wait a minute what did dan just reveal about himself i grow back my cancer-ridden testicle in powerful form, and then it goes away again. The guy you're talking to, you've been sort of caught up a little bit on what mind flayers are, and you were doing a lot of socializing with this guy, but Darkthor would have warned you. You're kind of away from the party right now,

but he would have told you guys, basically, here's the deal with mind flares some of you uh who uh maybe name blank apache and read all the books front to cover might know this already but mind flares battlefield earth reproduce um rather aggressively they they sometimes you know will be known to rip out brains and replace them with their own sort of brain spawn in order to reproduce kind of slowly transforming the former humanoid into a

mind flayer. So I can feel it kicking. You're kind of suspicious of this guy. We never said hi to Sam. Hi, Sam! Hi, everybody. Oh, my God. Sam was here. I almost left. Sorry, Sarah. This is through my rhythm.

Is that aggressive reproducing? Yeah, yeah. I know. Yeah, that's weird. So Captain Snaginthus is, yeah, friendlier than you might expect. And he's asking you guys if there's any more bartering you want to do. Can I do an insight check on him? On ye olde captain?

Yes. Oof. Well, it's probably not going to be the best. Okay, so that's a total of a nine, Dan. Yeah, you're not sure. Halcine's definitely not feeling this guy.

Okay. Halcine is like, yeah, these guys it's very thank you so much for your your kind uh your kindness but well we'll be on our way start the boat uh he says um well before you go i do have a proposition yes um we could fix up your boat quite a bit you know you know i think our boat is fine you already noted the cannons we're ship shape as is captain he tells you if if you could be convinced that they have enough equipment that they could uh upgrade it with the equivalent of like double

the hit points it currently has right now your boat has 34 of 50 hit points and an armor class of 10. He could get it up about twice as much and increase the armor class by 5. I can't hear this conversation. No, but he's offering all this. He's telling you, I can add

steel plating to your boat. I can replace the wood that was broken when you hit a glacier. As this is happening, I'm thinking telepathically to Gus, hey, relay all this to downstairs. So basically, listen to me,

then put it into Darth's head. So Darth knows what's up. Can mind flayers read minds? Obviously. They can flay them. Hey, Darth, they're doing insight check. Because they might be able to hear you talking to... That's true. That's a real good point.

Do we need our boat? Aren't we transferring the land pretty soon? Well, we're headed to Wizard Tower. Sail down the river, yeah. It's a little low, 11. Probably not, huh? I mean, you think it's possible. But this guy says, I would just say it would be if you could help us out.

There's a matter of some assistance we could use. If you could assist us with a... In what matter? What are they asking? Well, our mother brain that we brought up from underground. She, you know, she's not very well.

She's many thousands of years old, and she's traveled across many planes of existence, and she's basically dying. We are trying to live an honest existence, and it has required that we be rather weak

compared to normal people of our kind. We are not as aggressive, and it has made us you know, kind of in need of assistance. So... May I say, it is absolutely refreshing to see you like this. Oh, cool!

Thank you for saying something like that. Yes. But yes, you know, there is an artifact in a nearby cave. It's why we set up camp here. Yes, you can laugh. Of course, this might seem predictable in this sort of situation. Not predictable. I'm just looking at the next 12 hours, and it's not good for us.

Oh, okay. Keep going. Well, not good for us. Oh, okay. Keep going. Well, not good for you. I can read social cues as much as the next mind flayer. I understand. But yes, it's a matter of survival. If we could obtain

this artifact, we could keep the mother brain alive. But she may not have much longer. What's your artifact? Some sort of jar? No. I believe it is a shattered piece of something that contains the dreams of gods. Yeah, a jar. I guess.

Dream jar. Does that help? I don't know if there will be a container so much in the physical sense as in the psychic sense. Okay. Well, do you mind if we talk about this for a moment? He's fine with that.

Halseen also says, yeah, let's talk before we commit to it. Yeah, exactly. So you guys gonna head into the... Yeah, why don't we commit to anything. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Yes. So you guys going to head into the... Yeah, why don't we go downstairs for a minute? Okay. Hey, Gus.

Go below, Doug. Gus, just stay up here and really just watch. Okay, boss. Watch them. I will. I'll tell you what I see. I think they're going to do squiddy things. You probably got it, boss.

With their faces. Because they got the squids. Don't say that to them. I'm saying it to you telepathically. That's right. I'm sure they can't hear it. I hope it's not a Rachel slur. Whoops.

So you guys are down there and yeah. You're below deck. Hi. So we're looking at Dargoth there and we're looking at Halcine and going, I'm going to play some bumper pool. So Halcine says, hey, remember when I cast

Zone of Truth on Hoshinka to figure out if she was on the up and up? If they really want us to buy this whole thing, we could see if they would do that. If they'd be willing to. Sure. My concern is that as soon as they get this artifact, they're going to turn into jerks again.

Oh, it's going to make them powerful? Yeah. They're only being nice because they're without power. It's in the mind flayer's nature. Okay. So do we retrieve it and then... Why can't they do it without... Why do they need us?

They told you that they were too weak to do it themselves. So you could find out more if you want to go. We could go get the artifact and then do maybe not give it to them. I mean, we could. I mean, it's. It'd be nice to have the boat better, right? It'd be nice to have them. Sure.

Yeah. Other than that, that we don't owe them anything no halseed says she would definitely be into trying to just find out what this artifact is yeah let's get more information but but maybe if he would do uh this snag and this guy would do a zone of truth interrogation is the only way she would be willing to help. I think let's do that. I like it. So you're going to head back over there? Yeah. Halcine offers to this guy

after he comes up and greets you to cast Zone of Truth if he will not resist as proof. And he says, Okay! Sounds like a plan. Let's do it. So she casts Zone of truth and he doesn't

as far as you can tell resist but I'm going to roll a dice anyway I could go for a calzone of truth I'm not lying he didn't roll very high I'll say that okay so does she just walk us through it one more time what's up with your brain

what's up with the mother brain well we call it the mother brain because she is sort of the container of all our people's knowledge. Where is she right now? I would prefer not to say. Okay.

If you were to kill her, we would all be dead. That's not... It is a matter of just self-preservation. You don't need zone of truth for me to tell you that is not what we're interested in. But she's not here on the platform someplace, right? I congovern to you. She is somewhere

safe. She must be submerged in a fluid at all times or she will die. Like a contact lens. Or like Anne Melhomany. I also refer to her as a she, But she is genderless And she We call her she

As we're trying to Establish a new society For ourselves We are trying To not make the mistakes We have in the past I will admit that We are formerly

Not great people That's good Most of us Though With the exception of two There are 34 of us Who have only

joined the Sixth Hit Clan in the last five years and the way we assimilate new members is volunteer basis only we are attempting to survive as such and to do so requires a

slower transformation process and a lower amount of psychic power once we are finished transforming. But we contain the knowledge of dead races from other planes and wish for that knowledge not to die with us. Dead racists? Or dead races? Dead races.

I will suddenly have very good pronunciation for this particular context. Races. very good pronunciation for this particular context. Races. Is there any guarantee that you will stay that course of good if we help

you? It is our only intention. We have learned from almost dying off multiple times by facing extinction. So were you men who became these different types of illicits, or are you different old illicits that are now these new illicits? The old illicits are different in appearance. They are much taller, thinner, and contain much magic,

and they stay with the mother brain unless they must come out. The rest of us, I am an elf formerly of the Trident Coast. I remember little myself unless I commune with the mother brain of my former life. This is fascinating. Alright, well, tell us about this

artifact. Darktooth, you wanted to ask about that, right? If there's anything else I could do to convince you, Halcine's definitely wincing hard. She's not completely convinced. Well, while we have Zone Truth, do we want to find out what we're up against as well? So he tells you he doesn't really know a lot about this artifact, except that there have been rumors

about these things existing on your plane for a long time. there are whispers about it in the underdark the caves beneath the continent of cladenheim and that when they lived and were doing evil things they had not heard about this they did not hear about this until they had decided to stop aggressively uh sucking up and you know slurping up the delicious yummy brains for their own nefarious means. Right now, they're subsisting off of a nearby group of goblins in a cave who are warring with them. And they live off those brains. And they don't replace those brains.

They just eat them. And the only time they replace brains is... you don't want to eat your seed brains they like to replace a brain and like make them a another mind flare as if someone comes to them saying they want to forget who they were uh the artifact is they think about the size of a book they're not sure exactly what shape it will be but they don't think it will be a book because they believe it is a piece of the remnants of a God's dream. So they're not sure what it'll look like exactly, but it is guarded by some sort of humanoid and their pet that is using it definitely for evil purposes. The dream artifact. The dream artifact is definitely being being used to uh to do something

bad down there uh they they're hoping when they came here that they could find someone to help them but they're too weak they they've sent a few parties down there to try to get it and this beast that it controls it seems to be able to hear thoughts the way a mind flayer can kind of cops to that. But you guys couldn't tell what it was a mind beast. It's not exactly a mind beast. It's, it's something we've never encountered.

I believe it came from the donkey land area. I saw mine beast open for dead races at donkey. Yeah. Hey, yeah. Hey, who rescued who? He says he's not sure who the humanoid is, but her beast is something from Donkey Land that appears to snack on goblins and anyone else foolish enough to go down into this cave.

We should probably go introduce ourselves to her, right? That sounds like a decent cause. Now, while we're doing this, you'll be working on the boat? Oh. We will do our best, yes. Refresh my memory. Before these guys came in, what were we doing here where we are we were sailing we were about to go down the river to fight or not to fight but to try and find the the super wizard right but we got

because of the whirlpool this we kind of got pulled it's like a checkpoint yeah and they we kind of expect them to be pirates and they're kind of ending up being these more sort of right right more civilized friendly davy jones locker do Do we want to disrupt our mission of trying to find, aren't we still trying to find a baron for the dragon? Yeah, but we also. Is the dragon going to come try to kick our ass because now we're doing this mission if we do that? In theory, we'll have a better boat.

Yeah. Stagentus definitely raises an eyebrow during the dragon talk. He seems to know something. Oh, no, I'm talking... I'm not talking in front of this guy. I'm talking to friends. Oh, yeah. This isn't... He has his hand over his head.

That's Brian. Oh, among us. Oh, hi, Brian. This is basically just a little side thing. Before you guys go wander off, he does make one more offer, hi, Brian. This is basically just like a little side thing. Well, but before you guys go wander off, he does make one more offer, I will say. While the zone of truth is up, he wants to impart one more bit of sincerity.

He tells you if you're still not convinced, he's happy to introduce you to someone who came to them and wants to be indoctrinated into the Mind Flayers to prove that he's not some kind of slave. I see. So this is how scenes reservation housing thinks they're still. She's yeah.

Yeah. And that would, that would be something she's slightly concerned with. If that person is available, we would love to speak with them. So anyway, you can go as you were to your conversation. If you're trying to figure out just,

yeah, but this, I think this helps the boat and maybe gets us this artifact. Okay. We like doing nice things. And maybe we get to chop off a monster's head or something. Sure. Let's do it. Let's go.

All right. And I mean, yeah, I will also add on to this. He tells you all these sort of things he's willing to do. He's add weapons to the boat. It would be a significant upgrade. That would be worth more than the money you paid to get through. Great. So if it's all in the up and up, you guys would have a pretty nice ship.

Your ship does look dinky. I mean, time boats cute now, but it looks like it used to be for a guy to take summer. If these creatures do what they say they'll do. That would be great. Yeah. And he seems to understand that they have a bad reputation and he's trying to, what about this guy? I'm going to,

I'm going to say, because this is story-based and Sarah's not here. I'm saying I'm looking, she can go, Hal seen can go off and meet him on her own. Or you guys can say, I'll say, I'm like,

what else do you need from this guy? I feel like we would, she would put him, let her meet him. She would ask every question. She would get it to her satisfaction. So Halcine, does anyone want to go with her? Or do you want to just have her go off and she'll come back?

Sure, let's go. Whatever's easiest. Let's all talk to the guy. So they lead you to this little hut nearby. Where this fairy thread bearer. Doctor, if anything goes crazy, I'll kill them all sounds good cool uh now you're talking huh talking tick tock that fucking joke it's so dumb you uh you're introduced uh to a middle-aged elf a sun elf who is sitting quietly in this hut by himself his name is uh kekix and uh yeah he says what do you want to know why are you doing this I don't want to know who I am or what I've seen.

You're not one of those German people that wants to have a cannibal eat his dick, are you? No, nothing like that. Alright, good. I know what you're talking about. You freak me out! That's crazy. That's crazy. Remember that old story? Anyway.

That it? Go to Paris, France. Well, so long we're just in our previous experience this transformation is an act of violence

it's a violation this is a new thing for us and we're trying to learn and be supportive I've seen them go through it they put you under

you kind of go into like a transformation coma before they start doing anything weird and will you remain your own version of this i mean barely my head's gonna look different my skin's gonna look different i'll have kind of like a similar size but uh consciousness it's it'll it'll its essence will be stored away from me as an identity and my identity will become forfeit, I guess.

And that's what you're looking for. Oh, yeah. And why do you want to do this? What did you do? Bad things. Such as? Well. Popcorn eating gif. That's so funny. Hang on a second. i'm gonna pull up his uh so yeah he tells you that he used to uh be a citizen of the uh sun elf city of vendaria

uh and play there this is where halstein's father is from. So funny. I was thinking the same. And while he lived there, they were sieged by, and he points to you. He said, your people. What do you call them? Terry? The machines? Oh, no.

No. You know, this guy's trying to get his kids back, by the way. At least it's not Florence and the machines. Kekix is like, yeah like yeah you know there is this guy terry who's been asking to join the mind flares and we keep trying to tell him like it's it's i went to paladinos and i saw florence henderson in the machine yeah i'll tell you what they have wessonality google it sorry let's see where was i when I was talking about my horrible dark lore secrets?

Where were we? So you know... Your people laid siege. Or you are of the place where... I don't know her. What are you talking... She wouldn't admit. No, okay, no.

She would kind of be like... I'm just trying to put you back in where you are. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But he's like... What are you doing? You just playing with your mini? Ken's like fingering his mini and it very distracting tell me about it sorry for that tone paul why are you calling my penis a mini no i just see his hand is like draped over his tower and

he's like doing this like it's like i miss you and me both but sarah would be glaring at us and the game would be moving she'd be like guys you can talk dirty while i'm here uh but you are talking to this guy and he says all the stuff yeah he points you and says you know your people laid siege to you call the machines the machines yes right and we were told by the vendarianendarian society that we could protect ourselves if we participated in something called necromancy. And they taught us some spells that would allow our people to manipulate the dead in order to ward off the machines. And I did some things with this that I'm not proud of, and I wish to forget. Why do you trust these mind flayers?

I've seen what they can do, and that's what I want. Does it make you feel better to know that you'll be part of something? Maybe somehow making reprimandation? Yeah, exactly, exactly. Exactly. It's trying to... Making amends? Yeah. These guys, they have a use for me.

I don't really have a use for me. What's their use for you? Trying to keep the knowledge of their previous people that they've absorbed going, I guess. And cleaning up, I'm sure. I mean, it's gross. I'll be collecting goblin brains basically in a wheelbarrow. My

ex-wife used to collect beanie babies and they turned out to be worthless. Kellick is his name? Kellicks. Kellicks. Kek-ex. Kek-ex. Skrillex is he still popular at skrillex popular enough all right well can we do dead mouse or are we

gonna get sued by disney and marshmallows the new guy but he's like yeah you know pretty much all the the backstory i've got is right your elbow super dark so if you want to hear more real bummer stuff comedy asking questions i feel like this is enough to tilt the scales for halcyon yeah halcyon's definitely yeah like let's just leave this hut right uh just keep us in mind as you are part of this greater whatever brain that it is that we were here to help and perhaps someday sure why you have service to each other again. If you want to tell me your Instagram handle I'll follow you and keep up with you guys. Well right now it's Ice5 but we're probably going to change it. That's what you've been saying

for like 10 episodes I hear. We'll get there. Okay. I like Ice5. Oh maybe it is Ice5. You are known as Ice5 in at least one major town so it's sticking to your faces, at least. Whether you like it or not.

Ice 5, baby. Ice J5, because there's already an Ice 5 with the guild. As you walk away from the hut, Halcyon would say, I can confirm via Sarah text, that Halcyon would say, what was it exactly? She would say, well, it exactly? She would say, well, I feel like I am now responsible for these people and whether they turn out to be evil or not.

At the very least, I am motivated by that. Great. Cool. Let's go hunting. Let's find the artifact. Well, you are led to a cave about half a mile away.

Who's leading us? This is going to be Captain Snaginthus, and this guy... Every time. This guy... I'm sorry. It's a fantastic name. Who is really tall. He's also an illithid.

He's wearing a hood also and you think you see just weird armor underneath um one of his eyes has a red glow and hey Thathofrath what's up with your buddy oh his name is Lixenrot what do you wish to know about Lixenrot is Lixenrot is it he's wish to know about Lixenrot? Is Lixenrot, is it, he's like you? Yes. So to speak. And he's going to help us? He's here for protection and just to make sure

that we are both safe for each other. Oh, because of us. I got it. Okay. He's here to protect me from you and I'm here to protect him. I understand. That actually makes sense to me also you know there's goblins around and sure it's hard to kill goblins sometimes if there's a bunch of the right whoa whoa whoa don't work blue oh these guys these are some real goblins if you

see these guys i remember a summer mcdonald land know, it's actually been to our benefit. There's so many of them that we can kill them and eat their brains and not feel bad about it. You know. Okay. Some things. Oh, too much information? Excuse me.

I'm just saying sometimes you keep things inside for your, what do you call your group? Boundaries? Oh, Fix-It Clan. Yeah, some things are just for the Fix-Its. So I was getting comfortable. We haven't had an adventurer help us with the cave yet, your group boundaries oh fix it clan yeah some things are just for the thick sits i'm so i was getting comfortable we ever had an adventurer help us with the cave yet so i've got very excited it is fun we are having fun i could tell by the way you look very skeptically about the

mind slayer mission you've accepted it's all shady that's a good word for it uh licks and rot the whole time is just sort of like staring back and forth amongst you as you talk without saying anything. Did you used to be a dwarf? By the way, he's like seven feet tall. He looks at you and says, no. Okay. What happened to your eye? I have one illicit eye and one of my original eyes. Cool.

Is there a way to determine what the original eye is from? Are you asking the dungeon master or are you asking him to his face? I'm asking the dungeon master. Do an insight check. Good call, Blaine. Let me see. 22. It looks real familiar.

Familiar how? You kind of blink and you look at TikTok and you look back at him and you go, oh, fuck. Oh, is it a machine? You think he maybe used to be a Warforged. Are you saying that out loud? Oh, I have 400 questions

for you. Everybody take a seat. I'm going to do a little, huh? Huh? Whoa. Whoa. everybody take a seat I'm gonna I'm gonna do a little huh but he's too shy to say so hush hush I do I well just pass me a note if you like me so that's the two guys you're walking with what song was that's was that? That's Kajagooga. I thought so, and I couldn't believe it was happening. Yeah, me neither.

It's just my early onset dementia. By the way, I'll establish this too. Hoshinka would have said she would rather stay on the boat. Do you guys have any problem with that? That's Coolio. Okay. That's one fighter you don't have with you.

Enjoy. Well, here's what she can tell you as you part uh she will try to speed up some of the repairs and additions to the boat while you guys are okay great hey here's here's a quick question for the dungeon master you said that we were heading for a cave and at this point you're more than halfway there through all the talking so so we've left this out the sea outpost where the boat yeah you're going, you're more than halfway there through all the talking. So we've left this sea outpost where the boat is being fixed. Yeah, you're going inland. You're going west.

And we were on their boat or something? You're in some little foothills at the base of what looks like a shattered mountain range. Okay. All right. And how far away will we have to travel to get back to the boat? How far out is that? You're like half a mile. So we can see it sort of like you can see the

oil rigs off the Santa Barbara coast? You can't see because there's too many hills. You're kind of going in little mini canyons between stuff. Kind of here-ish? Exactly. Okay. All right.

On the other side of Mount Hook interesting and i assume hashinker will supervise and make sure they do everything sure sure sure i'm just i'm mostly telling you so next time you get in a fight you're not like where's our extra guy helping us cool so okay we'll ask anyway okay just curious uh it takes you a little bit longer just a little bit but you get to this cave uh the rocks leading up to it are still kind of like covered in snow but you can tell it's not ice it's like a rock formation here um just to be clear this is you know pretty far north so in addition to the fact that there seems to be some sort of magical snow everywhere you're in an area that's not too far from a chillier part of cladenheim um

doctor you are proficient in the as a hunter am i if i'm not isn't that right he's like a outdoorsy ranger guy he is a ranger yeah he's a gloom stalker ranger do you want to lead us through this one sure you know what what a great thing that podcast listeners ask about once in a while let's establish yeah the order so these boys these nice boys are gonna well you don't you don't like snagging this and licks and rot you don't trust him let's get your running order and what i'm going to do is i'm actually going to take away some of our beautiful rather dead that's one of my favorite... Tom Stoppard plays? Tom Stoppard plays.

Bless you, Blaine, for knowing what reference we were both doing. Sometimes I only know half of it. Ain't that the... If I could know half of it, I'd never leave the house. All right, so yeah, I'm going to get some of these guys out of here. And we're just going to do like a basic... So the cave entrance is large. As you approach, you notice

there is a makeshift graveyard. There's like a small sort of sacred looking place. Best kind of graveyard. I don't want to be buried in a makeshift cemetery. Maybe we could send

Gus ahead to scout. Does that sound like a good idea? Sure. Sure. You're going to send Gus down into the cave. Will you do me a favor and make your running order with your minis? I'm going to grab an extra for Hoshinka. Hoshinka's mini

actually we'll use as well it's the front here yeah that's how wide it is flank oh that's a good idea okay you guys want to hang back there a couple of real bravos sure will be be bravo how seen is there to you somewhere no no how seen i'm getting uh no how scenes on the boat oh i'm gonna let how seen be with you that way it's easy to pick up the action great um but she would i would think be near the front of the of the group like maybe behind you guys. Sure. So that's, we're going that way or this way? You put Darkthrow in the front and you went to the edge

of this stuff, which is a little awkward. So I'm going to go ahead and... We'll just scoot it. More road, look at that. We'll just do this whole thing. Cool. Really is neat. Look at that.

Isn't it fucking just like... No genuinely very 1970s to me i don't think we had cool shit like that back then well you you didn't have minis right till like the late 80s that was a big thing i'm trying to remember when my friends first started collecting but it definitely wasn't when i first started playing in like junior high it was until like i was in high school that people had these things right 80s yeah people would modify their military minis oh right all right so as you guys start heading into the cave and past the little graveyard uh there's a couple really early on like sheer drop-offs and this is where um captain snag and this would warn you and say we don't usually make it very far before we feel we are being listened to so i'm going to briefly stop using my connection to the mother brain this is a gesture of trust i

hope you understand but this also requires licks and rotten eye to whisper to each other out loud we are going to cease tele communication so to speak okay but i don't think anybody should do a lot of whispering right now what if i did a stage whisper it's like a normal whisper but and sort of deliberately loud for theatrical purposes please don't say Sato Voce in this voice. Just speaking asides. Don't do it. And I'm going to do the funny thing that Benny Hill would do if I had a pie in my face

where I wipe the spit off my face. Wipe the spit off your face. You hit a couple of small cliffs that are like six feet high where you've got to kind of stop and climb down them. And you start heading towards a part of the cave where it twists a little bit. At one point, you pass a sort of side thing

where they tell you there's a river in there. And then they stop and put a hand up and they point and you see there's a skull laying on the ground and the skull um there's there's only like are the ridge of the upper jaw and like the nose and you can just see just like shattered like bone fragments everywhere on the ground and kind of even like dust smashed across a rock and there is a hole in the ground that's kind of caved in a little bit so you can't like go in it but it looks like something emerged or went into the ground here what's the uh what do they have to tell us about the cemetery?

They would have told you before you went down here. That's from members of the Thixit clan who attempted to come down here. Their remains were brought to the surface. They wouldn't tell you that here. Because now they're trying to go like... Finger to lips shushies. Shushies? Does anybody have like animal handling or anything like that? I'm wondering

if anybody would be good to take a look at that hole or just maybe from a distance kind of figure out what type of creature we're dealing with. I'm a druid. I can handle animals. I handled my ex-girlfriend's cat for a couple of weeks.

I do. Oh. Yeah. So you want to do an animal handling check to see if you recognize it? Uh huh. Doctor what is that? You know what I'm going to say this is you know what your animal handling is if you're interacting with an animal you can do a nature check.

But animal handling is really just going to like if you see a rat run by. Oh well animal handling is really just going to, like if you see a rat run by. Well, animal handling is what I have my wisdom bonus in. Unfortunately, nothing here really applies to animal handling. Okay. Halcine, are you a nature sort of lover? Well, the Dungeon Master can look up my stats, and I can tell you.

Just one moment. What's a Dungeon Master? I don't know. About three pounds. Hit it. and I can tell you. Just one moment. What's a dungeon master? I don't know. About three pounds. Hit it. Am I right? Same as downtown. So we're talking nature, nature, nature, nature, nature.

She is not great at nature. Nobody has it as a proficiency. Terry, how are you? I'll give it a shot. I have a plus two in it. I have no plus. I have a three. Can I give it a shot? Doctor, plus two in it is there anything i have no plus i have a three can i give it a yeah a shot doctor what is that i rolled a one that's a four is is this where

i trip down a hole and get my bones crushed trip and trip and trip trip it up and down uh yeah i blew that pretty hard but i was thinking about that damn cat. The thing caught my arm once. Doctor, what's your nature bonus? It's low. One. But animal handler. You guys can all do a nature check. I will do a nature check. It's tough.

I have a 10. Oh, actually. I'm rolling. 19. Something about it feels strange to you. It just looks like it left a body. You kind of look, and it doesn't look like this thing was picked clean for meat. It just looks like a head was smashed, and then maybe some smaller animals came.

So it looks like an animal skull or a human? Humanoid skull. Humanoid skull. But like there's no creature sitting in that hole right now. Nope. And there's like a sharp right turn after this too. So whatever it is, is big. Well, yeah, it definitely filled this hallway.

You're in a hallway that is about the size of brian's dining room all right well if anybody wants to do a bless or anything now's the time you've been going down a hallway about this big for a while other than the side chamber with the river the river hal seen would be happy to cast bless is there a is do you think the river hooks up with the uh with this hallway after the turn or is it a different direction no he says he doesn't it's possible the river connects with this tunnel far below the illithids have been where they've been able to go but they've never seen it connect again this is a he hasn't talked in a while and he's he's reluctant to speak so he at

this point is kind of just like because he's nervous we're about to get yeah yeah he's him and his buddy are kind of staying in the back of the party doing this a lot okay so no one's come back let's send gus around the corner let's stay here oh there you go gus yeah boss listen boss real quiet like real sneaky sneaky like. How are you talking to Gus by the way? In my brain. While you're talking I'm doing an insight check. Oh this thing can read lines.

I'm sorry. This will be perception. My perception or Gus's perception? Yours. Oh I actually have good perception. So 11. Yeah while you're talking to me, you just hear a... And Gus is like, yeah, boss. I looked back at the earlier...

So weird. What is he talking? I don't hear anything. You don't hear that. Hear what, boss? He says in your head, nice and cheerily. What did I just hear? What was that?

You don't know. Can I do a perception check? I heard it, right? No, only TikTok heard this. Did I hear it or did I brain hear it? Your brain heard it when you communicated to him. Buddy, I think, boss, can you hear them the way I brain hear it? You brain heard it when you communicated to him. Buddy, I think... Boss, can you hear them

the way I can hear them? Are you going crazy? You're on the frequency of the sky. I'm on the frequency. Boss, we can't talk. Kenneth, what is it? Boss. Gus, go.

Go look around the corner and come back. He gives you a big thumbs up with his little hands and he flies around the corner and come back he gives you a big thumbs up with his little hands and he flies around the corner 30 seconds goes by can you see through his eyes but that means telepathy

he comes back and he says real whisper he goes I didn't go very far but there's a big room coming up, and I got scared. Do you want me to go in the big room? No, stay here, boss.

Okay. So I turn to them, big room, right around the corner. You haven't encountered anything like what he describes, but he tells you coming up there's essentially a wide open underground field with stalactites and lime deposits. Cool. Let's sneak up there. Let's stealth it up and go in there.

Let's get some stealth checks from everybody. Okay. I will roll for Halcine and the two NPCs. They all did great. I got a 17. Thank you. I got a 17. Thank you. I got a 24.

The Stealth Check brought to you by teeth. Smiling, chewing, chattering teeth. Get them in your head. I've never lost more hearing from a rock concert as I just did from my headphone. Hey Brian, did I just see... A six, but that's with a roll what? A one.

You rolled a one on your stealth check. Did you drop your cymbals on a cellophane bag full of celery? Sure. Did you step on a jalopy horn? Awoooga. You got a zonk horn? Oh no, my comb and paper.

I farted right through my comb and paper. Around the corner. Froggy went according. And no, you go around the corner. There's fudge made here. No, just milk. And then milk. So you come around the corner and right as you're about to hit the big opening yeah you just have a little moment of like

where your feet kind of flintstone it up on some bat guano and um yeah you know you kick a rock and it goes into the middle of the clearing and then all you guys feel great under your feet as the ground vibrates from beneath the ground mm-hmm oh it's like a death worm like tremors so you you all freeze. Yeah, freeze. We're frozen. Oh, no. I'm not going to do any loud ads. Okay, don't scream into the microphone. Dan is setting up more floor

in front of the minis. He's turning the whole way into a room. He's also pulling his penis out. Why would you say that? Oh, it's a cross. Now I have to answer what's an upside down cross. What is penis?

This D&D game is so metal. Why are we whispering still? Oh, yeah, because the thing is going to hear it. All right, so you're all huddled up. Why are you talking so loud? Dan, the thing's going to hear you. Let right, so you're all huddled up. Why are you talking so loud? Dan, the thing's going to hear you. Let me just do that. That looks better.

It's closer to where you're at. This is like watching Barney Rubble play Tetris. Hey, Fred, don't move. There's something on the ground. What you guys going to do? What age would you have to be to get both those references well in my case 53 and so right past where these walls are it really opens up but back here it's even more narrow and i will represent that by doing this

oh dear and so when you say opens up we can our dark vision can't see the edge of it no you can see with dark vision that this is really big and there's a couple of spots it's difficult to tell from where you currently are but there's a couple of spots that look like it could be the next way you want to go there's a couple options but it's big open and you guys are all still kind of frozen where you heard the rumble under your feet. Are we frozen too? Electric. Yeah. Anna and Elsa Alou.

Do you guys want to do a little test? Sure. So I'll look at Gus and say, like, way over there. Knock a stone. Get out of there. Let's call the thing over there. Knock a stone. Get out of there. Let's like, let's call the thing over there.

Okay. Do a deception check for, uh, your, your little friend here. No, I'm telling him what he knows what I'm doing. You're rolling for him. Oh, I see. 13. I'm not sure what his bonus on deception would be. Hey, uh, Blaine, while I look up a pseudo-dragon's charisma bonus, what is it brought to us by? Oh, I've got his charisma bonus. It's nothing. Oh. So it's a

13. But you know what? If you have something in the can, Blaine... Well, Dan, I have to say... I don't want to blue balls our listeners here. It's okay. A baby fell out of a window. A baby? Yeah uh we thought that her head would be split but fortune was with her that morning she fell in a barrel of shit

shit grow a baby in it wow i thought for sure we were going to hear about shaving cream. Yeah, that's weird. That one took a real twist. Shaving cream. He kind of carefully flies out about 100 feet. He looks for like a rock that he can kind of swat. Mm-hmm.

And it goes like... And it goes like And he waits And you all wait Nothing happens You're gonna fly right back right Yeah So it's It's right below us

30 seconds go by He starts flying back towards you It's right below us. 30 seconds go by. He starts flying back towards you. And then the ground rips open. Darn it. I'm going to need everybody to roll your initiative. 19. He never received a receipt or a bag.

Yeah. 13. All right. I got a six. I got a six. Oh, fun. Yeah. I got an 18.

Charlie Brown got a rock. I got a 13. Thanks, Sam. Why Venmo you or what do I have? Lixenrot has a nine. Snagenthus has a four. Yep. And this thing is going to roll in just one second.

Is he the squirrel? I wish I hadn't blown that commercial. That would be really handy right now, wouldn't it? Yeah, it would. Have you been to Palladino's lately, Blaine? You know what? I tried to get down to Palladino's last weekend. They were having a jazz night. I couldn't get there, but I think 1.26 kilometers Davis was playing.

1.26 kilometers, Davis was playing. But I really, there's a line around the door, I think. Everybody bought their stuff from Ticketmaster of Puppets. Because they thought it was going to be a big overpriced metal night. Huh. Yeah. That's a rough one. It was pretty rough.

Brian, that really took the wind out of your sails. Are you okay? No, I was lining one up, and then, yeah. Well, I was upset that I missed Chick Korean, which was a jazz tribute to Margaret Cho. Oh, wow. So you see something gigantic burst out of the ground. It is much bigger than all of you.

And it slams into Gus. Uh-oh. And Gus... It bursts out from beneath us like that. Flying through the air right about here and hits Gus. Gus disappears for a moment. Uh-oh. Okay.

And he reappears on the ground, injured. Uh-oh. And this thing slams back into the ground and starts digging. What the fuck? You see this giant, what looks like a silvery almost reptilian back end just shaking as it digs itself arrow shoot back into the ground um up first we've got dr uid uh i guess i will where is it in relation to us, Dan? Is it way the hell out here? Uh-huh.

It's like here. Just off the board. It's going to be a biggie. Its butt is like right there. And how far away is the butt? 5, 10, 15, 20, 25, 30, 35, 40 About 40, 45 feet away There's really nothing I have ranged wise that I can get to

You can run 30 feet and do something Run 30 feet and try to whip it and maybe kind of Whip it good Oh good Yeah, give it a shot 4 Whip it good. Oh, good. Yeah, give it a shot.

Four. So you run at it and try to whip it, and it just goes like clack off of its hide. Okay. It looks really thick, like T-H-I-C-C thick. Oh, okay. That's pretty hot. Is it thirsty? It's got a big butt. TikTok, you're up. I cannot lie.

I think it's thirsty. Also, I'm putting him. Ken, can you move me? I'd like to try and get to Gus. How many is that? You can get to Gus. Okay, yeah, I'd like to get to Gus. I want to fire... Halcine's up next, by

the way, so if you need her to do Spare the Dying on, you would know that. Is he out? He looks fucked up really bad. But is he awake? No. Okay, so he's out.

Okay. Yeah, I will fire two arrows. Roll to attack, buddy. Great. So the first one is 17. I thought it was a moth in my face. Excuse me, Brian. I think I just scared you.

I just started going like this and it looked like I had no fucking clue what I was doing. 16? 17. That's a hit. Cool. So that's 8 and 4. So that's a hit cool so that's 8 and 4 so that's 12 piercing and I'm going to do the second arrow

okay shit that's probably going to be 12 it goes black off of its side do we not have a mini for this thing that we're you're just seeing its butt at the moment. How big is it?

It's taken up. It's like 10 feet wide. Okay. Can I, as a bonus action, scoop up Gus? So he's in my arm? Okay. I think I used all my movement to get there. If I have any movement remaining remaining I would start to retreat

but I don't think that I do alright so you have 5, 10, 15, 20, 25 you have 5 feedback you can pull I'll pull it back and say hang on Voss he goes Halcine will run up and cast Spare the Dying.

Thanks. Then we will have Darkthor. I think I'm going to cast Fairy Fire on it. Ooh. So Darkthor's going to hit this thing with Fairy Fire, so it's going to do a dexterity saving throw

to attempt not to be bathed in light, though it'll make it easier to hit. What's your spell Fire, so it's going to do a dexterity saving throw to attempt not to be bathed in light that will make it easier to hit. What's your spell save DC, Dark Thur? Where would that be? It's, I believe, in the bottom of your sheet. It should be at the top of your spell sheet. Top of your spell, oh, second page of it? I mean, he did just roll an 18 so this is important

what would it be it's up by your spells tippy top of your spell sheet speaking of spells do you see those 8 kids all came tied for the spelling bee 8 plus his proficiency plus your wisdom modifier

so 8 plus whatever your proficiency is probably 3 because it's like me so it's 11 plus whatever so 11 plus his wisdom modifier. So eight plus whatever your proficiency is. Probably three because it's like me. So it's eleven plus whatever. So eleven plus his wisdom modifier. Eleven plus wisdom modifier is four. So fifteen. It's tough but he rolled an eighteen. So he manages to wiggle away

before it doesn't take. Shit. Alright. I only got one action though, right? Afraid so. And on that note, I believe we are going

to pause, everybody. And we're going to pick it up next time on Nerd. Well, so we're not pausing. We're ending the episode.

We're going to pause combat. Pause for a week. Okay. Sam. Oh, boy. This is a rough one. Episode 24. All right. I was poop boy. This is a rough one. Episode 24.

All right. I was pooping. What is happening? What is this talk of assimilating? We're headed into a cave to talk to someone. I can't believe everyone is saying mind beast, and Blaine hasn't said mind of Mencia beast. Man, some of these days I can't just get a foothold in this game.

What is happening right now? Why did I poop during Dan's recap? Oh, mind flares. They're in this game. I don't what is happening right now. Why did I poop during dance recap? Oh, mind flares. They're doing the absorbing. I got this. Wait, are we giving them our brains? I am so high.

Why is did you used to be a dwarf so funny to me? Oh shit, magic snow. Let's do this. There's a skull. There's a skull and a hole in the ground And we're going to a cave The ground is moving We almost heard that shaving cream song There's some sort of silver surfer Burrowing around and Arthur is using

Fairy fire Nice That is right Story checks out Thanks Funny shit as always Nailed it Thanks everybody Thanks. Funny shit as always. Nailed it? Yep.

Thanks everybody. Thanks to our Patreon sponsors and all that. And thanks for listening. Thanks for listening to another episode of Nerd Poker. You can follow us at patreon.com slash nerdpoker and you get bonus episodes from there. And you can also send us anything at P.O. Box 16069 in Ceno, California, 91416.

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