Nerd Poker - Episode 24 - Claw of the Great Blue Green

Episode Date: September 27, 2017

They did it! Sort of! Warchild has been plugged into the nerve center of the lost city, but now the lost city's immune system has one more obstacle to throw at our heroes: an amalgam of treant guts and wood elves that wants to absorb our heroes into some kind of body parts co-op situation. Will our heroes think of a witty follow-up to "wood elves? WOOD ELVES?" And what exactly just happened to Goggo? Only time will tell.

Hey, it's Brian Possehn. I used to have a podcast where I played Dungeons & Dragons with a bunch of my friends. I missed it, so I decided to make a new one. It's called Brian Possehn's Nerd Poker. It's myself, a couple of my buddies, Blank and Patch, Dan Telfer, Ken Daly, an occasional guest or two, and we're gonna be playing in a new setting, my dining room. Each week you'll hear my wife, my son, my dogs, and we're gonna be playing in a place that I love and playing the game that I've loved half my

life, Dungeons & Dragons. We've got 5th edition and we're ready. So are you ready? Here's Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker. Hey everybody. It's Brian Poussaint and you're listening to Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker. Hi friends. Hello. Hi Brian Poussaint.er. Hi, friends. Hello. Hi, Brian Posain. Hey, you said hey, everybody. I'd like to point out

that straw's cheaper and grass is free. That's Blaine. Or is it? Ken is chuckling and Dan is grabbing a soda. I am. GNNS? I don't have time to say grabbing or soda. You kids and your acronyms.

It's episode 24, everybody. We did it. Yeah, it's the Kiefer episode. Yeah, we're doing this one in real time. I'm going to go drink too much and jump into a Christmas tree. My dad is going to reach up to grab a cup out of a cupboard

wearing a sweater and no underpants. So we're a couple of weeks ahead. Yeah, before we do that... Before we get too into shenanigans. Any gigs you want to plug, Blaine? Anything coming up in October? October 24th, I'm going to be at Vitello's where Robert Blake killed his wife with

a Wendy Liebman show which will be fantastic. Wendy's the best. She is underrated and overlooked. She's a goddamn delight also. Like, sweet, sweet lady. Super funny. I was so glad she did at midnight

in the last couple of weeks because that was overdue. She's like a... Good to see her on there. Great joke writer. Those shows are pretty... I've heard they're good. They're really good.

You know, I did a benefit for Marty Rackham's soccer team. Bruce Baum was there. It was Mike Rowe and Bruce Baum, all those guys. Old-timey comedians, everybody. Yeah, it was sepia-toned. Did you see The Hunger with David Bowie? Of course.

All the comics on the show were like David Bowie in The Hunger. But it was a blast. It's a great place to go too if you want to kill your wife and then go in and ask if you're hey, I think I left my gun in the booth and then use that as an alibi. It's allegedly a restaurant. I don't think it counts as allegedly if you're convicted.

I think that's a little different. You get to go out on the limb after that. He got allegedly convicted. I'm not saying I don't love Robert Blake. There's not a judge here. We can't say what happened. He killed his wife

or you can take that to the bank. Robert Blake listens to a lot of nerdy D&D podcasts. I bet a lot of people in prison do. Oh, shit.

I gotta tell you. We know for a fact some do. When I was working on it at midnight, they would do the podcast. They'd do the nurse podcast and Paul Williams was the guest one morning and I saw him and I went, Some do. When I was working on it at midnight, they would do the podcast. They'd do the nurse podcast.

And Paul Williams was the guest one morning, and I saw him, and I couldn't help myself. I said, oh, my God, you died on Beretta, and it really fucked me up. It was so good. He played Beretta's friend, and he got shot, and there was a death scene where he died with his eyes open while Beretta was going, don die on me don't die on me and it was it really affected me as a kid and he went that's what a great story but nobody ever remembers him for that. No not for that. People would probably do Muppets or Phantom of the Paradise. He was when I was growing up, and you too, you could not swing a dead cat

without seeing him on TV. He did guest spots on everything in the 70s. He wrote all the music. Yeah, he was a genius too. Paul Williams. Tiny enough that Patton could carry him in his pocket. He looks like

Udo Dirkschneider's dad. There's a great documentary that my friend Steven Kessler directed. I can't think of the name of it offhand. About him? Still alive, I think. He did Poptopia

I think back in 98 or 99. It was a big pop festival in LA. He did his first show in 26 years out of this place on the other side of 405. And he did the Rainbow Connection and people were openly weeping. Yeah, beautiful.

Fantastic. Yeah. Now we make sure if your song is in a Preparation H commercial that you get paid for it. That's not the only thing up my ass I get paid for. Anyway, Brian, take it. I've got some gigs coming up this fall and winter.

I'll be first week of October, San Antonio. I think it's called LOL's Comedy Club. Laughing out loud. I sure hope everybody laughs out loud there. I sure hope they don't just text that. a lot better than the laughing internally club over here the raffle my copter he's also appearing at uh uh hmh uh which is uh hold my hairs um and then i've got a couple of the heliums coming up. I'm in helium in Portland. I'm in Tacoma.

I'm in helium in Philly. All available. At the helium tank at Chuck E. Cheese, just huffing. All my dates. You can find them, you guys, on brianposain.com. Oh, thank God. Or org. Or gov.

You need to park all those. Someone's got brian thank God. Easy. Or org. Or gov. You need to park all those. Someone's got brianposain.gov. Hey, don't go to brianposain. Don't look for my tour. We went to brianposain.sex. Poussain. Oh, my God. Poussain.

Oh, all right. Poussain. I loved Brian Poussain on Orange is the New Black. It's Poussain. Take cruise like that. Got no brainsaint Ted Cruz liked that We're recording We always record these a few weeks in advance But we're recording this the day after Ted Cruz Was caught for liking a porn video

And it will still tickle anybody It was all on Twitter Such a silly little porn I barely checked out the news today But I did catch that. It was a real treat. He's the guy who wanted to outlaw masturbation. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Boy, oh boy, it was such a cute, dumb little porn. Rubbing what out on 9-11? On 9-11, too. All I know is 9 in the pink, 11 in the stink. It was so sad because only one tower fell when he was done. Hey, this episode brought to you by Jenga.

Speaking of brought to you by, I would like to thank some Patreon supporters. Also, Pentagona. Thank you, Polar Bear Pants. Thanks, Polar Bear Pants. Thanks, Polar Bear Pants. Thank you, Eric Jessen. Eric Jessen. Thanks, Polar Bear Pants. Polar Bear Pants. Thanks, Polar Bear Pants. Thank you, Eric Jessen. Eric Jessen. Thanks, Eric.

Thank you. Los Pequeños Brazos. I'll say. Thank you for both of those. You take that back. Thank you, Chantel Zesko. Thanks, Chantel. And her sister, Fridge Poetry.

Thank you, Zombie Loyalist. Thanks, Zombie Loyalist. Thanks for being loyal. Thank you, Dick Trebuchet. Dick Trebuchet. Thanks, Dick. Which is a catapult for a penis. Yeah, because sometimes you need a little help.

There's no shame in it. Hey, if I could Dick Trebuchet, I'd never... That's what they had before buying Yakra. And thank you, Philip Robinson. Thank you very much, Philip Robinson. Thank you, Philip Robinson. Hollywood's Philip Robinson. Cuckoo-ca-choo, Philip Robinson.

For some reason, Jesus has an opinion. I can't believe you missed a Simon and Garfunkel reference. I remember being a teenager and hearing Mrs. Robinson and getting kind of into the song and being just an angry 14-year-old atheist. And then he gets to the Jesus loves you more and just going like, God damn it. Why does it have to be about this?

You know what that line is? That line is, he'd be nice to his mom, so he doesn't make his mom upset. Oh. That's precious. Hey, guys. What if we play Dungeons & Dragons about 55 minutes?

Let's do it. Oh, my God. That would be great, I think. Welcome to episode 24. And, um... Tick. Here we go. Tick, tick, tick, tick.

Uh, where's Mary Lynn Rice? Special guest, the Landers sisters. Greg Evagant. Mike Connors. For those who are tuning in for the first time, and who wouldn't? Tonight's episode 22. What are you trying to do?

Two figures up your ass. Just jump in on episode 24. You're smart. Our band of adventurers have landed in Amina, a dark, cursed land that seems to have been broken off from the rest of reality and some sort of a cataclysmic events. You are trying to destroy the major evil, uh, known as the demolition.

Uh, his name is major evil in the military only, sir. Here he is called the demolit, but you're recruiting some wood elves. You're in the woods and you're trying to, uh, you,

you guys, that's what i think of every time uh you gotta somehow get these wood elves in the sarlacc so it's like people say insurance insurance um boba fett so i think of the wood i joke myself yeah yeah well you guys uh why do you give me that look? You just flexed every muscle in your face at the same time. The wood eye joke. I remember it, but... It's at a dance and some girl has a wooden eye.

It's a very problematic joke to tell in the era. Oh, I see. Look at Blaine showing some restraint of all people. Is it racist or dirty? No, it's just insulting for people's afflictions. Oh, okay, okay. Oh, gotcha. The punchline is hair lip. Would I?

Fuck you, hair lip, or something like that? Yeah. Would you like to dance? Would I? Hair lip, hair lip. Oh, dear lord. It's a joke that teaches you that humans try to rise above themselves but are dragged back down by themselves. It teaches you that.

Even the afflicted are shitty people. It teaches you not to try to bother, just be yourself. I love a joke that teaches you a good moral lesson. That's why I watch a lot of Davy and Goliath. Like your rectum could kill you. It's true. It's good to know that. The elasticity wears out and it can form cancerous cells.

And your anus is like an old duffel bag and when you fart you just go I love that old duffel bag on the edge of our solar system. Are you talking about the Koiber belt? Oh, my God. Hey, Riff Machines.

So, yeah, you, in an effort to tackle the major antagonist, you tried to do the wood elves a favor. You were like, hey, guys, come attack the Demolith with us. And they were like like what if you helped us out because we are forced into a nomadic lifestyle by this big wandering haunted tree

so this thing is huge and a couple of scouts only a couple were like hey we have a plan we used to be able to go in this tree and live in a little city inside of it and use it like a moving fortress but we can't anymore it's you know it's been purging people through some sort of immune system and uh let's let's sneak up through the roots find the heart of this thing

and either kill it or pray or something you guys did something a little crazy uh you had your friend strapped to your back. His name is, I believe, Warchild Naishmu. Yes. And he was a leftover necromancy experiment that Bodhi saved from a vampire's tower. And you guys were like, what if we take that? It sounds funny when you say it like that. Yeah. Well, it's so much. You're going to make it weird.

I've already said this so much of this was hilarious to me because i was like i was like uh i was hoping something like this might happen but the fact that you guys went for it is just fucking bananas uh you guys usually do the wrong thing well right you guys usually the... You guys are agents of chaos. Yeah. But you guys delivered this helpless being into the heart of this giant thing and tried to perform an insane operation

where you removed sort of the last remaining organ of this semi-undead haunted tree ant thing with this crippled wizard kept immortal by necromancy. So I hope people liked the last episode. It was a little insane with all the ability rolls. I hope you enjoyed it also, yes. It was good to see Chrissy hook up with Larry

at the Regal Beagle. So what you've done is you've kind of gone, but it was good to see Chrissy hook up with Larry at the Regal Beagle. So what you've done is you've kind of gone, here's the map of all the random encounters. That looks like an anus. This is finally, right? Thank you. This was sort of the core of the Treant.

You went through this tunnel. You broke through this wall. You got into this chamber. You replaced Shmoo here. Uh, and a giant creature had been alerted to your presence while you were outside and made its way down the tunnel. Somehow did something to your two scout friends who were guarding the tunnel, chased Gago back in here. And now he's meeting you at what you know to be the only exit.

I tried to make this map, this map not reflect any other options, but because this was a random tunnel you found and I made you roll to find it, I made you roll to see if there were blockages, there could be potentially, I feel like I should remind you, other ways out. This is a sheer chamber you're trapped in, made of wood.

It looks pretty sleek, but there was a hard wall to get in there might be another way out you don't really know but it's you know about uh 20 yards in radius it's it's relatively small and uh here's i did some sketches for you guys to sort of because you're in very close quarters yes uh so here's this very basic shmoo in a stump This is sort of what he looks like You know and Here is what is Coming down the tunnel at you

This guy Who is Sort of a bunch of wood elves Mushed together With a bunch of leaves and twigs Like a gummy elf That's bad. He's coming down the tunnel towards you now.

Is that his full body? His two arms and a torso? He's sort of infected with Morgothal, the Lost City's sort of wooden immune system. You encountered a couple of wood elves. You talked about it. Here's what you've done so far. This guy was lumbering down the tunnel.

Did somebody say lumber? Blaine hit him in the face with an acid wand. So he's taken some acid damage. Also, he hit you guys with a psychic scream that has Tom operating at a slight penalty. that has Tom operating at a slight penalty. Tom, you had told me you were talking about maybe trying some fairy fire out because we had decided via passing notes that it wouldn't spread.

And Tui, you were about to cast hold person. Arcade fire where I take everything way too seriously and there's too many people on stage? No, you're about to cast hold person on this guy. Oh, right, right, right. You're going to try. You were thinking about it. But because he's big, you know you're in for some kind of tussle,

and it's closed quarters, so you're not sure how much room you'll have to do. So I'm going to ask you guys to call your shots in this fight, because he'll be doing the same. And I will tell you if there's a penalty for what you're trying to do because there's going to be some really basic attacks you can do that might

have a damage penalty because you're not swinging hard if you're in the doorway. But once he gets in here... I'm swinging hard even if I'm not in the doorway, Dan. Well, the doorway's small. You had to build out to this doorway by hacking at wood. So until he's in the room, you are going to have only an overhand strike you can really do to hit him.

You can't do a simple impulsive slash with a slashing weapon. It was fireball, not fairy fire. I don't have fairy fire. Oh, I thought you had fairy fire because you were... It just lights, not Fairy Fire. I don't have Fairy Fire. Oh, I thought you had Fairy Fire because you were... It just lights shit up anyway, so I don't need that. I'm going to just do a double check. One thing... Unless it's something I didn't know about.

No, you're right. You have Infernal Legacy. So you can cast Hellish Rebuke. Was it Hellish Rebuke? Yes, they open for hellish rebuke for uh was it hellish rebuke yes they open for hellish rebuke yeah i believe so let me look up hellish rebuke fairy fire isn't that when uh uh they get rid of the roxy music vocalist oh jesus i can't believe it you point your finger and the creature that damaged you is momentarily surrounded by hellish flames. So he has to hit you.

And then he makes a dexterity saving throw and takes 2d10 fire damage on a failed save. So that, we decided, wouldn't catch fire. But he's got to smack you first. Did me, or he just cast that thing? He cast Psychic Scream. Okay. Sounds good.

I cast Psychic Scream. You cast Psychic Scream. Okay. Sounds good. I cast Psychic Scream. You cast Psychic Scream. We all cast Psychic Scream. A few other things listeners might find remotely interesting. Just sigh at your own joke. Now you know how we feel. This is why my wife doesn't sleep very well.

We're sighing at your jokes again. You kept me up all night. War Child appeared to connect to the Matrix. Sorry. So there was another sort of psychic shrill call as you think War Child connected to this tree somehow. You don't know how long it's going to take to get in effect, but I can tell you this much.

It'll at least be a round or two, if not a few dozen. I won't tell you which before he can do anything like, say, dissuade this pile of bones and bark from attacking you. Don't back off, War Child. Seriously. He could potentially assist you in this fight. Thanks, War Child. But you don't know.

He's been kind of offline slash connecting, making modem noises psychically. He's been a little non-communicative. Also, you kind of sloppily attached him. Blaine did a lot of the necromancy end of this, and he rolled like a fucking basket case. Oh, yeah, I was doing Dr. Nick rolls. Yeah, so Dr. Nick performed this particular operation,

and so the potion was perhaps not as effective as it could have been, and a lot of the smaller... Also, the breast implants are vertical instead of horizontal. Exactly. So, like, the smaller veins of treant sap that connected

the sort of heart of this thing were tied off poorly, kind of... He could perhaps use a little... You did a lot of healing on him, so he's okay, but the connection is still sort of jammed together. So that could potentially hinder him from helping you as fast, or

he might need more healing eventually. You're not sure. But anyway, there's immediate danger in front of you, and I now have your character sheets on D&D Beyond, Wizards of the Coastal online service. So I can tell you some of your skill roles that you could be doing. D&D Bed and D&D Bath.

But we did discover you guys could be making some much nicer skill roles for some stuff. I don't know if it'll help you in this boss fight, but let's do something we did not do last week. Let's roll to attack. Let's do... I thought she was on this time. Let's do, what do they call it, initiative. 14.

Seven. 14 7 10 alright this guy rolled an 8 so it's gonna be pile of bones is after Bodhi so it's gonna go tom bode monster twee that's really all we need okay all right hey tom what you what you gonna I'm going to shoot some fireballs to this guy.

Go for it. All right. Now, I'm going to do a little behind-the-scenes roll to see if anything catches, but I'll tell you, your aim is pretty good. You pretty much won't catch anything on fire, you think. Right. You think. No, nothing will catch on fire with us.

13. Sweet. He takes 13 damage. And he takes a big breath. He goes... Which is a problem. You are goes, which is probably you are up Bodie. How close is he? Um,

he is about, Hmm. Pretty close. Yeah. He's about 20 yards away and he's, he's lumbering pretty quick when he hits the doorway, he's going to have to squeeze through cause it's not a doorway. It's a,

it's a, it's a tiny little crack you made in the wood of this chamber to squeeze through. So he's gonna have to squeeze through because it's not a doorway it's a it's a it's a tiny little crack you made in the wood of this chamber to squeeze through so he's he's bigger we can see him coming towards us or now yeah you've all got dark vision um and uh he's filling the whole tunnel i don't really have he's coming coming at us, right? A range. I'll just get in there with him. Cool. I like the way that sounds. Or should we be looking for a way out?

Should I just be bashing on these walls, or should I try to fuck this guy up and then try to find our way out? I mean, how many hit points does this dude have? Is this going to be a big battle? He looks pretty nasty. Yeah.

I think he can look after, I think. Kind of want to catch him on fire, too. Well, I'm ready to throw a whole person on him. Okay. Yeah.

And my concern is the whole place catching on fire. Yeah. We're inside of. That's true. Yeah, that's true. That is the whole place catching on fire. Yeah. We're inside. That's true. Yeah, that's true.

Okay. I'm asking, passing notes about, you know, how, how's that? I'm doing a behind the scenes role. Every time you cast fireball and,

uh, you've got, you know, 5% chance basically of a possibility. So I'm going to hack at one of these limbs. It is. Maybe I can. Cool. Well, he's leading of his. Oh, maybe I can... Cool.

Well, he's leading with his fat arm, so there's one that's kind of presenting itself to you. Oh, I'll get him with a fat arm. You get a good chance of doing a vertical strike on his front arm, so you don't have to take a hip penalty to hack at an arm. Did you see Willie Nelson at Fat Arm Age? I'm going to rage, though. I am glad you're calling that.

I'm going to let your babies grow up to be arm wrestlers. I'll get that one fat arm and the other one will be normal. All right. IS. Oh, 15. That's a hit. Sure is. What's your plus two attack?

I could potentially check that myself. Well, it's a plus seven to hit, it looks like. Based on what I have. Oh, did you add to my strength? Yeah, because I had a 5. Yeah. It gets all calculated on the computer thing. Oh my god. I'm not to just turn into a commercial

whore, but boy oh boy do I like this website. Yeah, it's awesome. Yeah, well, and it's nice because if you guys log in, you can look at it. Are you talking about Breitbart.com? I can this website. Yeah, that's awesome. Yeah, well, and it's nice because if you guys log in, you can look at it. Are you talking about brightbart.com? I can dig it. Stormfront?

Are you talking about Stormfront? No, Blaine. This is going to be a short episode. I don't know if I told you guys, but I got hit really hard in the head with a shovel and now I'm right wing. All right. I'm right wing. All right. I'm not kidding.

I'm seriously a hardcore right wing. You know who's funny? Dennis Miller. I believe it's the funniest guy I've ever seen. 2D6 plus 4? How do you feel about Killer Bees? You mean the swarm of the comic? Killer Bees the comic is great he's still around I did a week with Killer Bees

B-E-A-Z save up he's sort of like a Willie Nelson if he was a comedian on Meth Down South and he was a very very funny guy I wouldn't want to follow him I did a show with him at Charlie Goodnight's in the 80s and he could not have been sweeter uh there you

go crushed he fucking crushed here's here's the killer bees thing you guys all know this but this is for our listeners that he would tell a joke in the beginning hey how you doing everybody hey here's a little joke and i get to the punch line and the crowd goes laughing he goes no no don't laugh save up and then you get quiet he tells another joke and I get to the punchline and the crowd goes laughing is no no don't laugh save up and they get quiet he tells another joke and they start to laugh the end no no don't laugh save up and they get all excited and then about a half an hour later he'll get no no no save up they go oh my god and then at the end of the show they carry him offstage on a litter like Pharaoh. It's true.

Savor! Fucking great guy. Killer bees. We would get really high and go to the mall so that we didn't have to hang out with the middle at the comedy condo. I found his tape at some truck stop on a cross-country road trip and he was hilarious. He's really funny. You gotta get yourself a nylon rope. Don't get nylon rope get yourself a chain

that's just annoying oh that is annoying while you're rolling i'm talking about nine other headliners i worked with in the 90s 11 great ron darian was pretty funny he He did a thing about... Is he dead yet? You see a couple of fingers fly off his elbow. Nice. Clatter on the ground. He's got hands and stuff sticking out of his arms. Yeah, I'll try and put...

I'm not the best illustrator, but I have fun with it. It's my frenzy that gets me the extra attack. Yeah, so you get to attack again. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Frenzy. Rage lets you frenzy and use a bonus action to attack. 13, right? Yeah.

Great. No, 15. Yeah. Great. So that's a lot of damage on his arm. No, that was just my action. Oh, then you hit it. Okay.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Then go ahead. I got excited. Yeah, 15 is too much. Is that a two? Yeah. God, this one's weird. These kind of arcane looking...

Yeah, it takes you a second to read them because they're in Fanto the Wisp so eight yep a couple more elbow fingers fly off alright so he also gets to do two attacks

and he can currently only reach you Bodhi so fuck you Russell gets to do two attacks, and he can currently only reach you, Bodhi. Fuck you. Let's see. It's a rush, right? Yeah, man. And what is that?

Time on the watch says it's time to rock and roll. That's an uno botch. He just rolled a botch. Yay! Kill yourself. Rhymes with TikToking. Can't wait to see this big roll. Kill yourself. He rolled a

70. Oh, nice. Are you trying to suggest something to him? No, it's an old SOD song. Oh, nice. Are you trying to suggest something to him? No, it's an old SOD song. Oh, okay. What is this? Hey, Blaine, if you don't mind, what is this monstrosity botch brought to us by? This monstrosity botch brought to you by IKEA After Dark.

Get your blidge on. Clean up, I'll gnorf oh god I'm gonna bookcase Ikea after dark back to you Dan he takes a swipe at your throat Bodhi

and he slips and falls on his chin good doesn't seem to take any damage but it might take him Falls on his chin. Good. Oh, my bottom. My bottom is big. Doesn't seem to take any damage, but it might cost him his second turn there. That's enough. His bonus action. Way to wipe him out.

Twee, you're up. Let's take a bow, boys. I was throwing a hold person on him, right? I believe you were going to try. Oh, hold person. I thought you were saying earlier you were going to throw a whole person on him. You were saying old person. Yeah, I'm going to throw an old person on him.

Agnes. What, huh? Why are you doing? Why are you throwing me at that thing? You know what? If I have a cashew, I'll be, oh, my God, it catches the particles catching my diverticulitis pockets. Oh, my God. If I ate cashews, I'd be in the hospital for a month.

How's that? Dude, do I need cashews, I'd be in the hospital for a month. How's that, dude? Do I need to roll any pluses for that? No. He fails his wisdom saving throw. Dumb dick. I'm going to throw a dumb person at him. Let's see. So this is going to last until you blink out or 60 seconds

so what you guys gonna do like a challenge uh all of a sudden you see you see this uh this big beast of a thing he's already biting the gravel and trying to scramble back up he kind of just like locks up and he's kind of rocking back and forth a little bit he's taking up the whole tunnel still like you could maybe try to scramble over his back but maybe only twee would fit Bodhi you should do that thing

where you do it Thanksgiving where you just carve him up I'm going to let Tom decide first since we're still technically in combat. This doesn't take us out of it. I was also thinking we could climb over him and attack him from behind. If you know what I mean. I'm turning the five-minute timer to represent the one minute.

Well, it is his birthday. What are you going to do, Tom? Is there really room to scramble over him? Only Tweed could fit over him. Never mind then. Fireball in the face. fit over him. Ah, never mind then. Firebolt in the face. Go for it. Yeah, please do.

Pa-boom! Tell me how much you take, sir. Six. Six right in the facha. The walls do not catch on fire when you do that. Bodhi, what are you going to do? Rage. You're already raging.

Oh, okay. But take your first swing, won't you? Continue. Our engineer decided to listen to some Vuvuzela sounds on his phone. some Vuvuzela sounds on his phone? I went to the World Cup in 2012 in South Africa, Johannesburg.

Really? Yeah, Dave Anthony did shit his pants. Every time that sound went off. Everywhere we went There were signs that said Please refrain from blowing your Vuvuzela indoors And also don't shit your pants

Yeah Because that's what happens when you live in a country Where people understand what the word refrain means Roll to I'm not going to make you roll to attack It's an automatic hit Roll a 20 and make sure you don't botch Holy cow it's an automatic hit

Well well well Oh ding dang I will give you the crit and you know he's laying there it almost So roll for damage, and we'll do a little x2 on that Come on. Big money, big money. No whammies. No whammies. Noonan.

Noonan. What is that? Literally, yeah, nine times two is 18, right? It sure is. That's it. The way it is in math. And then, do I get another swing? Maths. I know I do. Swing dose.

18. Time. 11 plus. Got it. That's a hit, I'm assuming? Mm-hmm. Oh, yeah, nice. yeah nice oh boy what was that one uh you don't get to double this one well no so eight plus four is 12. says you

you guys have done massive damage to this guy already. Also, not that one. I'm going to roll the crit table real quick. I really hate him. I keep looking at the picture of him, and I just keep thinking about him dying and how good I'll feel inside. So in addition to that, Senor Crit Table says...

It's a nice drawing there. Yeah, it's pretty good. Again, I'm not a... I'm very self-conscious about my drawing skills. I think you guys are drawing skills. You can draw. He takes an additional point of damage just because of the crit table. I can never do a free hand growing up.

I can draw. I can sculpt. I can draw things I looked at. Like I could look at a Porsche when I was a kid and draw it. Porsche or Porsche. Or whatever it is. You know, a car, Porsche or whatever. Or whatever it is. You know, car, Porsche or whatever. You know Porsche.

Ferrari, Porsche. I drew cars from Car and Driver and Road and Track as a kid, and then I drew Spider-Man. But from the comics, I'd have to look at Spider-Man and Batman. Actually, it was just Brock Yates with a Spider-Man costume. I couldn't just draw a panel out of my head. Right. You know what I mean?

I had to look at something, and then I could do a fair version. Oh, man. You guys all had How to Draw Comics the Marvel Way, right? Bring me pictures of Spider-Man driving a box dress at Nexus. Sam had it. That was the best book ever. Oh, it's great. I bought it for myself.

Oh, yeah. Oh, every kid should have How to Draw Comics the Marvel Way. It's the best book in the world. I could draw Timmy the Turtle because I was looking at Timmy the Turtle. But if I had to draw it in my head, no fucking way. I've done a couple of projects where I've tried to be an illustrator. Because I used to freelance illustrate, where I tried to be a professional, though. I'll be writing a pilot and be like, oh, here's a sketch.

Every single time my illustration has been up to corporate standards, someone has felt a need to like qualify how bad the art is like i've i've pitched a book with illustrations and i had to hire an illustrator because my even my literary agent would be like yeah and you know those like shitty drawings we would replace those with like really good why are you talking about it like but i did those um but. But yeah, so I rolled something behind the scenes. Tom, you notice Gago seems to be in some kind of weird frenzy. You think maybe he didn't fare too well during that psychic scream a ways back, and he's kind of smacking against the ceiling. He looks like a trapped

moth. He's kind of like in a corner of the chamber banging his head on the walls and moving too fast to really see the expression on his face. Calm down, Gago. It doesn't respond. I can't collect him and just... You can try, but I mean

it'll expend whatever time is left on this hold person. I don't care. Back up, Gogo. Seriously. And then we're going to do a roll for another thing that you might not notice is happening. Okay, so you hear a humming coming from your old pal Warchild behind you. I'm going to give you guys one more round,

and then something else is going to happen. I'm attacking. The beast is still twitching on the floor. Why don't you tell me how you're attacking, Tom? With a big knife. Roll to not botch, please. All right. That's a not botch. Roll for damage.

Three. A little tweak. A little three. You're up, Bodhi. Roll to not botch, please. You're stillhi. Roll the not botch, please. You're still raging. Roll the not botch. Excellent. Roll to hit.

Nine. Great. Roll for your second attack. It's not a botch. It's a hit. 12. Great. You're up, Tui. Oh, this hold person is still going on

right you feel like he's starting to make eye contact with you and this might be your last chance oh uh his eye contact right I'm going to uh go up and I'm going to put my acid wand in the eye that's contacting me and just sort of shoot him in the eye with my

acid wand Jesus alright let me look that damage up really quick just sort of shoot him in the eye with my acid wand. Jesus. All right. Let me look that damage up really quick. What would that be brought to you by? Triple Xbox. Yeah.

Parappa the rapper. Roll 2d6, please. He's going to do a quick saving throw attempt. I don't think he can do anything. It doesn't matter. Sorry, I'm just trying to think on my feet there, and I was sitting down. I had him do a saving throw with a penalty, and he failed it.

Hey, what's that? That's boxcars, isn't it? Oh, my goodness gracious. Six, six. So his whole face just kind of flays off. You notice Sputnik. He had kind of dark gray skin with sort of birch-like patches of bark

on it. What if he's a friend? The whole face just sort of evaporates all of a sudden. He was coming aggressive. He wasn't coming, hey guys do you need help getting out of here? Fash. He wakes up and starts roaring.

He reaches out for you. Let's see who he reaches for. Shall we? One's a reroll. It's a reroll. He reaches for Tom. Tom, make a dex saving throw for me, please. I'm uncanny dodging.

Your uncanny dodging? Okay. My dex roll is good too. Oh, sweet. Yeah, that roll should be enough. Yeah, you slip out of there at the last possible second. He is going to, with his second attack, reach for Bodhi, and he botches fucking again. I've had so many monsters botch against you guys, it's a bit disappointing. Not for us. Doesn't bother me at all. And this time...

Yeah, he just kind of... He just whiffs. He just kind of goes... You're up, Bodhi. I only get three rages, right? I raged three times. Yeah. So this wouldn't be.

But I still hit. What was it? What'd you roll? 19. Yeah, that's it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Eight. All right. eight all right tweet what you're gonna do fella uh i just wandered that guy's face off right yeah and he's still alive oh he sure is

okay right yeah and he's still alive oh he sure is okay uh i'm gonna put the wand into his mouth and do it again keep in mind he's mobile now and he will have a chance to uh stop you okay Okay. Or not. He does. He stops me. He swats it out of his face. Ow. My dad did that to me once when I had a cigarette.

Hey, Tweet, why don't you roll a deck saving throw, please? 19. He takes a swing at you and misses. He's going to try for you one more time. Ready? Sure. Yep, that's a grab. What's your saving throw?

Roll. For grabbing? What, with dexterity? Yeah. I have an 18 with a plus 5. Okay, so you're using your... Let's see. Your save is a plus eight. So roll to save, please.

Oh, that's a no. All right, so he grabs hold of your leg as you try to fly away. And let's see. He's going to try something on you the second his hand makes contact. Doesn't work, but you can definitely feel he's got a good grip. You're up, Tom.

Shoot an arrow into his person. Go for it. 14. What's your bonus for that? I got plus two damage on the arrow. That's damage, though. Do you have a plus two attack with it? Do you have a proficiency?

I do. That might not be a hit. Plus two proficiency, yes. Okay, so that's a hit roll for damage please great you're up Bodhi my god this guy's a lot of hit points huh right uh-huh I'm tempted to tell you how much damage you've done. It's a lot.

Let's just say physical damage alone has been 86. 11. Is that a hit? No, that's not a hit. Damn it. You're up, Twee. He's got your leg. Okay.

I'm going to do a little thing called a wham bamf thank you mamp and uh is everybody on one side of this guy sure yes you're all um let me bust the map out real quick uh it is pretty simple he's acting like a plug for the chamber. So, you guys are here, and he is like where the big X is. Okay. Alright. Good. So tell me how you're bamfing. I'm going to... You're going to mount a banquet? I'm going to pop up behind these guys.

I don't want to get in the way of you guys attacking. But I'm going to appear behind my friends and start working on a little soup that I've been experimenting with in my dorm room. Okay. So you can cast Dimension Door. When you use it, it can't be used again until next dawn. You leave behind a cloud of smoke.

You appear in a similar cloud. And I also yell, ta-da! Does it say anything about soup in there? No, I'm just trying to read up on the smell real quick. How about the half sandwich? You're in close quarters. I want to make sure I get the dimensions of this right. You're exactly... New York style or smell real quick. About the half sandwich. You're in close quarters. I want to make sure I get the dimensions of this right. Are you exactly the New York style or LA, that half a sandwich?

You know, I think I'm going to go with New York style. Even though I just get an extra order of bread, and then I take the extra meat off, and I get sandwiches. Do you want slaw or fries? What do you want with that? You know what? I'm going to do slaw. Okay, great. I'm trying to stay away from the fries? You know what? I'm going to do slaw. Okay, great.

I'm trying to stay away from the fries. Anything to drink? I get it. Too much fries. Can I do a Dr. Brown's cream soda, please? Sure. Do you have any Mexican Cokes? Sure, we have Mexican Cokes.

Do you have any Venezuelan Mr. Pips? I'm trying to figure out. You're being grabbed while teleporting, so I'm just trying to figure out what I should do about the molecules pressed up tight against your molecules. They'd probably just leave a nice handprint in my deluxe suede boots. I think I'm going to have him do a saving throw with relatively simple difficulty. But just see if there's a chance something horrible will happen to him when you teleport out of his hand.

Okay. You're taking it with it. Uh-oh. Okay. Take your hand with it. Uh-oh. Okay. Is this your watch? So, you guys see Twee. He tried to sort of fly away.

This thing grabbed his leg. He does a beautiful Dracula swaff with his cape and disappears in a puff of brimstone reappearing behind you. And you notice when he disappears in smoke, the monster screams. You turn to look at Twee, and he has appeared behind you in another puff of smoke, along with the arm that was grabbing onto him, which thuds to the ground with a loud wooden clunk. So he's missing an arm.

He is missing an arm. It takes a huge chunk of damage. You know what you should do? Pick his arm up and beat him to death with it. Okay. Well, there's a specific reason that you'll see in a second for why I did a bunch of rolls for this. So it's his turn also.

And get more damage just using a sword than just hitting him with his own arm. He – He shoved it up his ass when he's dead or something. That's true. I mean, it's all for the photo. Trace's dick with the hand. Trace's his own dick with his own hand. Roll a dex for me carve his arm out and run down the

splash mountain get our pictures taken you've got uncanny dodge but let's see you let's see you try to what's happening you ruin it for the do another Dex roll please so he takes a swipe at you again. Tui, roll a dex saving throw for me, please. A dex saving throw. You heard him. Yeah. Eight, and my dexterity is 18, and I have a plus

five. You actually, yeah, you just barely escape as the arm that teleported with you springs to life and takes a swipe at your leg. Oh, Jesus. You are up, Tom. Let's see. I'm going to do another behind-the-scenes roll.

Okay. I'm going to shoot another arrow at him. I dare you. It's a hit. And another, well, I hit something. Okay, seven. Great. You're up, Bodhi.

All right. Twing. And by the way, you were shooting an arrow at the most of him, right? Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Hmm. Huh.

All right, well, I'm just going to hack at him. Go for it. Hack at you. We're just going to do the halberd. You can't halberd. Danger room only. Arcade mode. Custom weapon.

This is the ninth time you've tried to use it in a regular episode. It's like a recurrent. We're going to have to do like a buzzer noise. I'm going to put it over here. He's going to have to buy a halberd is what he's going to have to do. I'm going to put danger room. Yeah, I know. We've got to take you to the town square and buy your ass a...

Halberd. Danger room only. No, we got to take you to the town square and buy your ass a... A, uh... Halberd. Danger room only. Halberd? Halberd! Every time you try to use it, I'll go... Everybody's heard. Halberd is a word. Okay, here we go.

Yep. 20. Ooh, yeah. Okay, roll for damage. But it's not great. Not a natural. No, no. No, no, no. No, yeah. Okay. Roll for damage. But it's not great. Not a natural. No, no. No, no, no.

No, guys. Sorry. No, not match. Sorry, listeners. And then... So what's the THX now? Seven. I'm mad about how much damage you're doing.

THX is me doing math 3 3 plus 2 plus 2 Let me see 7 I'm conjuring up an unseen servant

How do you know? While I have special glasses on I'm conjuring up an unseen servant. Okay. And my unseen... How do you know? Well, I have special glasses on. Oh, cool. That I kept from my eclipse. So I can look directly at the unseen servant and see him. I pop an unseen servant up behind the gentleman that we're fighting. And I have the unseen servant get on all fours

like he's pretending to be a horse, directly behind the gentleman that we're fighting. And I tell my other friends that I can actually see. Is this guy like a frat guy, this unseen servant? Maybe back up a little bit. Is he snickering while he's doing it? Is your unseen servant's name Bluto? Yeah, he's going to do an impression of a zit.

And then he's going to sneak up onto the girl's dorm lawn with his white socks. Okay. Sounds great. Anyway, so Bodhi, I would think, hey, wrap it up and back up. This guy has a turn before these guys can act on it, though. He's up next. Yeah, whatever. A turn for the best, I hope.

So, Bodhi, do a dex check, please. Bodhi, do a dex check. Not a dex check. A dex check. Okay. He grabs Dexter. Whoops. Okay. If you want my body, baby. He grabs hold of your leg. You think I'm sexy.

Come on, baby. He loves grabbing legs, especially now that he is hunched over minus an arm. I have a plus on that, so. Huh? What's your plus, though? Two. Yeah, he's got you, though. Okay.

He rolled good. So... We never strengthened my perception. What did I get to add to my perception? Your perception is now plus two. Okay. What else did I get? Your biggest bonus after we figured out all your stuff is right now your athletics is plus seven.

Okay. You have plus three to intimidation. Pretty good. Plus two to animal handling, survival. your stuff is right now your athletics is plus seven okay yeah plus three to intimidation pretty good plus two to animal handling survival perception but uh yeah so he's got your leg um all right time for a Constitution saving throw, Bodhi. Yeah, I think America could use a Constitution saving throw. You killed Brian, oh no. Brian has to do a Constitution saving throw against your joke.

All right, well, Brian edits his page leading up to the saving throw. I made mine. You're fine. You don't have to do one. Oh, okay. I was going to try to get you to do a commercial while Brian is playing with his character sheet. What's my athletics? Seven?

You're at? I think a seven. Yes. Wow. Yeah. All that surfing. I get it you guys I get a real rush from surfing it's a so high that you roll roll roll constitution saving throw I don't have my real glasses tonight so I keep going oh okay I can't even my real glasses tonight, so that's why I have to keep going. Oh, okay.

I can't even see it from here. You make the saving throw, but he still got you by the leg. Okay. You're up, Tweed. No, no, no, you're not up. You went last. Now it's Tom. I'm sorry.

That was his attack. Tom, you're up. I'm casting Array of Sickness upon him. Okay. A la Yoshinoya sandwiches. He makes a saving throw. Fucker. Bodhi?

I'm gonna try to hit him. Wasn't I supposed to get out of the way for Blaine? Blaine was definitely setting something up. But you got grabbed. It's no big deal. I'm gonna hack it. The. It's no big deal. I'm going to hack it. The arm that's grabbing. Okay.

Nine plus seven, so 18. That's a hit. Yeah, that's a hit. yeah 10 cool not bad uh you can't quite get the arm off you but uh he gets a giant how many damn hit points is a lot uh it's like done 60 on him or. He's got a big gash in his arm now that's bleeding out. And you see little vines trying to reach out and put his arm back together. It's still got a couple of claws in it. You definitely think you're fucking this guy up.

Tweed, before you go, the arm takes another swing at you. It's sort of skittering around the ground at your feet, trying to grab at you again, and it misses. Okay. You're up. I'm going to do a little thing called Cloud of Daggers. Okay. And Cloud of Daggers around this thing

and try to get him to release Bodhi. Okay, this is tight enough where Bodhi's going to have to do a dex check to dodge the daggers while he's being held in position. Okay, it's centered on a point I choose within range, so I can maybe...

You can try, but he's still going to have to roll to dodge the dagger cloud. So it's 44, 64. Okay. Hey, Ken, what's this me looking for stuff brought to you by? This is brought to you by McDelivery, available on Uber. Leave your dice down when you roll.

Boss baby driver, don't watch it. your dice down when you roll. And also, Boss Baby Driver. Don't watch it. It's not what you think. Six, nine, sweet. Twelve, eighteen, twenty. So how much is that total? Twenty? That's twenty.

All right. Brian, roll a dex saving throw, please. Alright. You know what? You can roll People are gonna kill me for this. Yeah, you can roll your athletics or dex to dodge.

So that is a to dodge. So, that is a success. You get out of the way of his cloud. Oh, daggers. This guy squeezes your leg, Bodhi, and you feel a really gross sensation

through your armor. He does 14 points of necrotic damage to your leg. Jesus. Tom, you're up. I'm going to... You're going to have to rest to heal this. Yeah.

Poison spray. All right. Let's see how much it does. That's 2D 1205. 7. 7. 14. seven seven 14 so as you cast poison spray on this guy uh his neck snaps so like it hits him in the face he kind of does like a gulp howl and the back of his head just kind of bangs against his back, and he kind of falls down. His arm releases Bodhi.

How did that happen? How did she do that? He just sprayed poison. He sprayed poison to death. But it was enough? He was getting there, yeah. Oh, cool. The arm, however, is still skittering around on the ground behind you, Bodhi,

as you realize it's your turn to take a swing at something. Somebody doing ash on it? Yeah, I'll hack at it at the arm. Go for it. Doesn't have very good AC. But it's spry. That's a 14. That's a hit roll for damage tell me what you're doing with your sword as you do this okay well we'll say you definitely got it yeah right on the shoulder joint uh that's uh five five damage yeah all right so you get your sword stuck in it real good and uh it kind of just stops moving okay good

so uh that's it you guys call it yeah yeah uh we're gonna have to figure out how to get out of here next time yeah yeah gago is still kind of banging around. Yeah, we got the five-minute warning about five or more ago, but I wanted to let you guys. Hour two, hour three? Yeah. Even with the cuts. Do you need some stuff to cut?

I can do some stuff for you to cut. No. Are you sure? I got such cuttable stuff. That guy in Sacramento? Oh, God stuff What was that guy's name? I can't remember I totally remember But Dwyer?

Yeah That was episode 24 you guys Yeah and you're gonna definitely have some interesting stuff Now that you've killed this This thing This giant beast yeah we can't wait to see what happens and get out of here

gotta climb out of this ant what's the name of this ant Morgothal the lost city or Morgothal as his friends call him Morgothal the fucking asshole is what I call him he just sent a big old white blood cell and you smushed it good alright thanks for listening everybody thanks people thank you to call him. He just sent a big old white blood cell and he smushed it good. All right.

Thanks for listening, everybody. Thanks, people. Thank you. Thanks for listening to another episode of Nerd Poker. You can follow us at patreon.com slash nerd poker and you get bonus episodes from there. and you get bonus episodes from there. And you can also send us anything at P.O. Box 16069 in Ceno, California, 91416. Thanks for listening. you