Nerd Poker - Episode 25 - Army of Extremeness

Episode Date: October 4, 2017

After an exhausting battle inside the great tree, our heroes give a touching farewell to their gross but symbolic friend and begin to gather a mighty force to march across Amynna. With three paths before them, will they gather more allies or begin a great assault? What messages are being brought before them? Will the messenger get stomped on? Only time will tell.

Hey, it's Brian Possehn. I used to have a podcast where I played Dungeons & Dragons with a bunch of my friends. I missed it, so I decided to make a new one. It's called Brian Possehn's Nerd Poker. It's myself, a couple of my buddies, Blank and Patch, Dan Telfer, Ken Daly, an occasional guest or two, and we're gonna be playing in a new setting, my dining room. Each week you'll hear my wife, my son, my dogs, and we're gonna be playing in a place that I love and playing the game that I've loved half my

life, Dungeons & Dragons. We've got fifth edition, and we're ready. So are you ready? Here's Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker. Anyway, I was in Paris, friends. Hey, everybody. It's Brian Poussaint. You're listening to Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker, episode 25. Hello, friends. It's a hot 25, everybody. it's Brian Pessain you're listening to Brian Pessain's Nerd Poker episode

25 hello friends it's a hot 25 everybody Ken Dan Blaine Ken Dan Blaine what happened any Patreon patrons we want to say thank you to you know what it's funny you should say that

it's funny when I say a lot of things I know that's because you're a professional funny say? It's funny you should say that. It's funny when I say a lot of things. I know. That's because you're a professional funny sayer. It's what you do. I'd like to thank give a big old shout out to John Meager. Thanks, John Meager. Hey, John Meager. That's not meager at all. Thank you for listening. Oh my god, Ken.

Thank you, Luke Healy. Luke. Thank you. Eddie the Axe. Eddie the Axe Eddie the Axe Eddie the plus two Axe and also a or a guitar center employee

Micah Gardner Micah Gardner or Micah Gardner Micah Gardner I thought he had a comment thank you Micah and thank you Travis

Camo Travis Camo the clapper probably not Camo Camo is a really bad children's birthday clown that I hired one time hey come here we're gonna do we're gonna do a little I hired but no eye contact it was a little loud

family sleeping there's a second episode of an evening it's late and we ordered coffee through your dad blue playing I got high in my backyard allegedly jerked off in a Brian's place wait that's not your backyard I snorted you tell him hi when I'm snorting what's your mustache flaps in the breeze your mustache guys guys, you're ruining Thanksgiving. Well, you guys defeated a mini-boss. Oh, I was wondering. It's got to happen in episode 24.

Thank goodness. Oh, here it comes, the inflation. I like those mini-bosses because that way you don't feel so full. Do you guys ever hear the band, the mini-bosses? Oh, they're a fantastic band of punk metal kids who play covers to 80s 8-bit video game themes. Oh, they're a fantastic band of punk metal kids who play covers to 80s 8-bit video game themes.

Oh, okay. It's so good. They've been around for like 20 years. They're really great. That's a long time. Their Mega Man 2 cover is beautiful. So you defeated the sort of steward. What were you calling him?

I called him this off the air, but I'll go ahead and tell you guys. Excuse you, by the way. Thank you for excusing me. It's like the Philadelphia story. What do you say? What do you say? I don't know. Hi.

Fuck you. You defeated the claw of the great blue green. The great blue green being where the sentience of Morgothal, the lost city resides. Another plane of existence. Not unlike the Feywild, where a large sentient fey creature would sort of pass on its mind after some necromantic spells were cast on it.

So anyway, that made no sense to most people. Hey! We dispatched this mini-boss. You did. You defeated a pile of bones and bark that were summoned

by this giant hollowed-out treant that you had tried to take care of to make friends with wood elves to defeat the Demolith. Is there... Are there follow-up things that are happening? Are there anything else coming at us? Because I would like to... I wiped out a lot of spells.

You hear humming all around you. From inside the tree? From inside the tree. Because we fucked up some things. Some of the systems, right? Like, well, we hooked. You guys finished dispatching the claw of the great blue green, and you turn around and you see Wartrild is still bolt upright in his little nest.

I'm so happy we're calling him Wartrild. There are sputtering, glowing amber veins all around him that look like they're leaking everywhere. You guys did kind of a hack job getting him hooked up to this nervous system. And you might notice that it looks like the surgery wasn't quite complete. So there's that going on. However, his eyes are kind of bugging out a little bit. He doesn't look like he's necessarily in pain, but you've heard a couple of psychic blasts

come from his direction. The humming sounds different through the tunnel than it did before when you thought you set off some sort of internal trip alarm in Morgothal's immune system. Now it's, uh, it's got a little bit softer sound to it but yeah can we tie these vines off sure yeah absolutely let's tie these things up yeah uh you do you're down who's down hit points not a ton 14 and i got i've got a lot left but i'll take a heel if that's if you're offering i was gonna say should i was say, should I try to throw a heel on these things? Oh, maybe.

Yeah, I don't need one because we're not fighting anybody right now. I have a song of rest that we can hit later. Cool. We can do that. You can try and throw a heel on the intersection of him and the tree. Yeah. Sure. How's Gago doing?

Do it. Gago is still smacking up against the ceiling. He's not doing too great. What do we think happened to him? The psychic. When did it go? Oh, yeah. Fucked him up.

Yeah, the first scream by the beast. He's never been carried by us. He's always been free flying, right? Do we have some sort of thing we can put him in to get him to chill out? Wrap him in a binky? Like a bag of... Swaddle him? A bag of comfort holding?

Swaddle him in a bag of comfort holding? I don't know something What do you want to try? You tell me Can we gather him first of all Is he grabbable? Yeah after some fumbling One of you guys can probably Grab him in your hand

Put him in my pouch Yeah We have that little Just grab him in your hand. Okay. Put him in my pouch. Yeah, we have that little whiskey dropper we had from the beginning of the game. We don't have anything like that still. No, no. We don't have anything. I mean, no, you've still got the whiskey dropper, but you let him have it. So he's been drunk for like the last few days. Oh, maybe that's his thing.

Helping himself. So you can try to give him some more booze, sure. Yeah, let him suck on that. Okay. He calms down a little bit when you get some booze in his lips, but he kind of knocks them out and just sort of passes out. Oh, that's good enough. Blaine, you're cradling some plastic.

What are you thinking? Yeah, I'm going to throw a cure wounds on the vines and such. Launch a roll for that, please. Do you want to put this in the middle? Yeah. 21. Great. that burns out your cure wounds and does a lot of good

getting the glowing splattering fluid from splattering quite so much all over the bed that he's sitting in. Cool. He still kind of looks like he's connecting to the internet. He's still kind of rocking back and forth. You hear a humming down the tunnel.

Haven't heard from Pendith and Vorkid, your wood elf pals, in a while. You heard someone cry out farther down the tunnel. Oh, right. So we think at least one of them might be dead. I think this creature probably got him, right?

Does there seem to be any overall change in the tree since we hooked War Child up to it? It's hard to tell. You're in a dark chamber and one of the benefits of all your guys' races is you can see well in the dark but the

light in here is so amber it kind of washes out the color spectrum and the tunnel is almost black because there's no natural light in it so everything's black and white or gray with splashes of amber you can't really tell can i ask uh do we know uh what else we were supposed to do beyond putting him on there no i mean you kind of improvised that solution. It was based off a... But are we leaving him here if we take off? Let me ask Sylvan

or whatever. I think that's what he speaks. Yeah, I mean, he speaks an ancient form of Elvish that's sort of... Sylvan and Elvish can both kind of hit enough where you can understand syllables. Just we do everything that needed to be done with you. You don't hear

any response. Oh my god, he's dead. Or he rolled badly. Or he's not. I rolled to see if the communication got across. What did you ask him? He's not dead, but it feels like you're you're lying to him

he's dead tom specifically tom's anyway yeah uh who's my friend what did you ask him i asked him if we did everything we needed to do we did everything we needed to do. That's another way of putting that. Do we do enough stuff? Do you need anything else from us? Do you need... Is the transfer complete? Oh, yeah. How about that?

Is the transfer complete? Brian, you get a warm feeling. Okay. In addition, when you get the feeling, the wound in your leg stings underneath your armor. Also, the shaving razor is cold.

Why? You don't know. Okay. Gotcha. The necrotic damage I took? Not specifically because it was necrotic, but something else weird happened. Where I got stabbed?

Where you got grabbed. It's close. It's a connection to the tree because it was tree damage. Okay. Am I growing any wood? Let me check.

I'm going to... You did pan that so well, it's almost like you didn't know you were singing. Let me move aside your merkin. Yeah, something feels like it might be going on in your leg. I'll say. It's underneath enough armor where you... Can you stop it?

Let me call Robert Klunk. You'd have to kind of do a shower check to really know for sure. The hum is persisting very softly and it's been after all the clamor of that attack and what was going on down the tunnel you feel like there's definitely a change in ambience it's so dark in this chamber you're still changes in latitudes changes in attitude all you guys are enjoying the quiet a little bit especially after the sound of goggle flapping against the ceiling is gone so you get the stillness still going on let's take a quick break sweet coffee break in the dreams can the dreams freddie you know what i like about coffee

after midnight is uh thinking about money We're going still It's all gold you guys Everything that comes out of our mouths is gold Yeah Anyway what do you guys want to talk about We're back Let's do this So yeah what you gonna do

Get the hell out of here already I'm tired of this place. Okay. You head down the tunnel, and you see... Is it a tunnel of fudge? Are we leaving Warchild? Yeah, he's probably in. Warchild is pretty much stitched into the fabric of Morgothal at this point.

You got a warm feeling when you tried to commune with him. By the way, I would like to just apologize to the listeners if you hear a lot of horrible crunching noises. I love to fondle the hell out of my mic stand. I would also like to apologize to any of the listeners if they hear any horrible crunching noises because I'm eating

a violet crumble. Okay. Yeah, you're heading down the tunnel. Well, I want to say goodbye to him Because I feel like we're not going to see him again right Probably Will you give him a kiss Will you kiss him

What do you want to say to War Child Will you kiss him Travel well my friend And stay extreme Nice I'm going gonna kiss him. You hear the quiet hum of

Morgathal's chambers. Okay, cool. I said my piece. So... I would like to... Oh, tweet? I'd like to step up and say, I'll be back when the week is new

and I'll have more ideas for you. You'll have things you want to talk about. I will too. Goodbye, war child. All right. All right. Let's head down the hall. Head down the hall.

That just cost us $12,000. You see a little bit of a mess as you head out. Is it that waitress that quit? I knew she was going to quit when we came in. One of the elves is trying to crawl towards you. Oh, dear. He seems like he can't move his legs. It's Pendith.

And yeah, he looks like he got crushed. Anything you can do to help this little guy? You see Vorkid a little farther down the tunnel. Vorkid dead? Yeah. He appears to be partially absorbed by the wall of the tunnel actually.

Looks like he may have taken a gash that basically cut him in half. Do I have any scrolls or necromancy potions that I could maybe lay on this guy? Because I would have to learn a... You can throw together a basic potion. No, no, he got that from

the house of the mysterious old drow. He's got some alchemy stuff. You can make a basic healing potion. That's all you can really do in a short amount of time. Whip one of these up in a turn, and then if I can buy some time, I can do a learn... Oh, you know what? I can do a...

It was in this game. Yeah, it was. We've done so much shit. They all smashed together. We'll know the... Yeah, you listeners, one thing we should... The danger rooms start to... We start to forget that they are danger rooms and that it wasn't continuity.

Well, of course you forget. You're already trying to pull the halberd out. Yeah, that's true. But we're... We've played a lot of D&D. Yeah, it's getting tricky to keep what what's canon what isn't we we actually been talking about the possibility me and blaine talked about this in the car ride over uh maybe doing a dnd module as like a concurrent plot line so like you guys aren't so much worried about

different gear and stuff like that so much as it's like two different stories that are going at the same time that might be fun to do. You listeners who aren't listening to the Patreon bonus episodes, this will all sound like gobbledygook. Those have been a lot of fun. So you should check them out. I, I think it's worth it.

And the people that have joined, I'm pretty happy about it. Yeah. I've had a lot of fun coming up with one-off adventures for you guys and cooking up weird, get episodes a day early, but, but also,

yeah, pretty amazing. So to you guys, it sounds like we're 25 hours in, but if you've been listening to the bonus episodes, we're like 40, 50 some hours of playing since we've restarted the podcast. Uh,

a lot of D andD we've been playing. So many Ds. All of them. You lay this potion on Pendeth and he loses consciousness, but he seems to have healed a bit. But it takes him out of shock and the adrenaline washes away

and he succumbs to rest. So if you want, you guys could try to carry him out of here sure i will there you go uh you notice when you get to the end of the tunnel everything is much more still you don't hear as much of the echoing that's good and uh you still hear kind of a soft hum but there's it doesn't sound like there's monkeys and locusts everywhere it's only it sounds a little more like being on an airbus yeah exactly so uh you got a pretty easy walk back to the opening you get there there's no signs of this symbiote sap that was a forming and attacking you and tentacles uh um and um let's see tom hell yeah uh guess guess who just rolled a 20 a certain vampiric steed that has

shared a blood connection with you you get a ping in your head and um you look down the tunnel and far far below you see some some movement and you feel like you know in your heart that it's one of the steeds. You notice, as you're sort of judging the three of you guys getting out of here, that it doesn't appear Morgothal's moving anymore. He was in a steady sort of ka-thump, ka-thump, and you felt it as you were traveling. But he seems to be standing still. That's interesting. You going to keep heading out?

Yeah, let's head out to our slide. I assume Pendeth is probably over your shoulder, Bodhi. Yeah. You guys, I'm not going to make it too difficult for you. I could make you roll a dex check and see if you die on your way out of the boss fight. We'll see you get on your steeds uh what you gonna do you're underneath morgothal right now uh head back to the uh ready for uh wood elf yeah back to the world. All right. So you head back and...

Yes, I would. You notice it's very dark. You look over your shoulder and you see Morgothal is indeed very still. His face is unmoving. He's no sign of movement from him. Is he dead? It's unclear. You think perhaps the dial

up is taking quite a while. He's a pretty massive creature. And you did kind of like hack his nervous system and plugged in a 150 year old wizard. So in theory

something catastrophically good could be happening, but it might take a long time for those neurons. I'm sort of tracking it. It's like Freaky Friday with Terry Shivo. Some time passing based on how much you hooked them up and how well. Oh, my God. Oh, dear Lord.

That would be better than the Lindsay Lohan version. Just a little more action. So you leave Warchild behind and head to the wood elf encampment. Yeah, we'll talk to them about what happened. It's still very dark out. Whatever kind of cycle you get with this cosmos and the sky behind the clouds, it's not particularly bright. As you get closer to the and the sky behind the clouds. It's not particularly bright. As you get closer to the wood elf encampment,

a scout comes out to meet you, thanks you profusely. I get some tree foils and pecan sandies. He introduces himself as Varzo. Oh, him. It's just Varzo.

Oh, Varzo. And he says, there's actually a messenger here for you. Interesting. Where at? Candy ground for Varzo. So, if you head back, you get back

and a bunch of the elves are surrounding a gross Toad-like creature with a human face We know who he's from He's got a little cape Get a picture of me with daddy Well met, old creepy friend Your old pal Torzo the Phantasmal

So he's not just creepy He's got a little velvet cape. And he says, hello! It is I again! Torzo! Do you remember me? Yep. Look at your face. Do you remember me?

He says he has I have news both good and bad. Which would you fare to hear first? The bad. It's the bad news. Okay, sure. Hey, is he my secretary right there?

I'm fucking her. What? What's the good news? My father is in hiding. This is the bad news. I heard the bad news first. You just said good news. No, no, bad news first.

Bad news first. Oh, okay. Count Barriss has gone into hiding. They tell your character to take the volume down just a tad. Which was the good news? Wait a minute. Okay, this is the bad news. Not that low. This is the bad news. Okay. Somewhere in the middle.

Okay. Yes. Roll to split the difference. I'm splitting the difference. Alright. Sorry, I'm not a professional voiceover actor. So what do we do? What's the bad news? My father consulted with his brothers

and attempted to obfuscate that he had betrayed them, but it was of no use. They saw through his rouse. Roos? Roos? Rouse? Ronda Roosie? Roos-owls?

The Rouse-o brothers. Remember, whatever happened to her? Oh, right. She got kicked in the head. So, uh, he had to go into hiding. He's currently hiding from his brothers. He survived the encounter, but they are none too pleased, and they are tracking you

as I speak. Oh, shit. Oh, the other vamps. Yeah. Yes. Where is he hiding? Can you lead us there? Does he have a low jack?

We can probably trace him a low jack. Perhaps we should discuss further. Shall I give you the good news first? Yes. Sure. We have word from your friend, Lekas. Oh, Lekas, that guy. He has conversed with the Lunar Elves

and has found some moderate success. Oh, cool. All right, that's good. Should we go to Lekas? Anything else? You guys kind of have three choices in front of you. This is all the message he really has from Lekas, that he has made some sort of successful parlay

with the Lunar Elves to make up for the fact that you set their home on fire. So there's that. There's also a lot of slaying to do. Count Barriss is in hiding somewhere, and you think Torzo might know where. And you could proceed to the Demolith. You know where the Demolith is. He's in the marshes. I'm not ready for that.

What's Barriss going to tell us? Barriss is just going to send us back on the Demolith. You know where the Demolith is. He's in the marshes. What's Barriss going to tell us? Barriss is just going to send us back on the same mission. I would like to talk to the Wood Elves and find out more about what we've done with this tree, big tree. If there's a chance that we can use the big tree to our advantage.

While you've been talking to Torzo, the leader of the Wood Elves comes on over. Hi the leader of the wood elves comes on over. Hi, leader of the wood elves. Forenmeyer comes over. Forenmeyer. Thank you. I mean.

And yeah, he says that he could not have believed in a thousand years that you would successfully stop Morgothal, let alone not have to cut his heart out and simply kill him. He believes... I didn't even know I could do that. Yeah, we told you it'd be cool. He tells you that, you know, this is a very powerful wizard that you stuck in here. And, you know, he thinks that Fel Gwynn, also known as War Child, should be able to steer Morgothal at some point.

Terrific. He doesn't know when. This guy's got so many names. However, Forenmeyer does know that this is a complex magic. He knows that Fel Gwynwyn was true of heart and thinks he will aid you in whatever way he can once he takes control of Mothafucka. I like that. We got a big tree to fight for us.

I like it. And it's more than a tree. This is like a living mountain. This could be potentially a great boon that you guys have hooked up for yourselves. Felgwyn Shmi Warchild. And Fornmeyer tells you a few more things. He says, finally my nomadic people great boon that you guys have hooked up for yourselves. Seligwin, me, war child. And Vornmeyer

tells you a few more things. He says, finally my nomadic people can settle into a life of change of some kind. We're still uncomfortable in this land of a minute. It's a very unnatural land. Great REM album too. Nomadic people.

So he thinks that he'll be able to muster his forces and assist you. He thinks, whereas previously only two of his scouts were able to go with you to Morgothal, he thinks you could muster at least a dozen of his best warriors. Yeah, about those scouts. But he wants to know what you want to do. He tells you you could stay with them forever, really, if you wanted. Oh, my goodness.

Like those twins at the hotel. But he's overheard the conversation with Torzo and is curious how you'll proceed. Can I get a dog suit to blow me? Done and done. Where's your dog suit?

People have suffered for generations under the rule of the Demolith, and he says they are itching for progress. They would happily march to the marshes of Gulduz with you, to the hiding of Count Barras, to this fellow Lekas he has heard tell of wherever you like. How do you feel about working with lunar elves?

He takes a deep sigh, and he says, have you met these lunar elves? We did. They're kind of weird. They're more than weird. They used to be some of the most foul creatures in Amina. But the Demolith kneecapped their evil powers. They used to be true demons on Earth.

They were fallen elves who worshipped a moon god that gave them terrible powers. And he thinks that perhaps it might seem superstitious to you, but praying to this God may have helped bring about the Demolith. However, once the Demolith took over being a selfish creature, the Demolith blocked out the moon, severed them from their God, and they receded away from their evil ways.

They retained many of their evil features, such as carnivorous teeth, but they, as spooky as they are, their evil ways. They retain many of their evil features such as carnivorous teeth but as spooky as they are, there may be redeemable qualities about them now. This is good news. But he says he doesn't trust them.

In the future, lighten them up. Most of them have glowing pupil-less eyes, sharp teeth, and creepy blue glowing skin. They're friends with fairies such as your Gago friend there. Oh, Gago. How's Gago doing?

They used to be taller, thinner, and devour wood elves for lunch several hundred years ago. Yeah, that was my twenties. Let's hope they're cured of that. Maybe we can work together separately. He thinks his people, his warriors Would be happy to travel with you

To meet with the Lunar Elves But he thought you should know These guys used to be bad news It's good to know Should we not work with them? No, I'm thinking that maybe we can Lekas successfully parlayed Lekas sent tell that

No, I understand that Lekas is parlayed. Lekas sent tell that he was very bad. No, I understand that. But I like if these guys are saying they're bad news. So if he can arrange something. Yeah. So let's try and bring these people together. Yeah, these guys aren't opposed to working with these. No, they'll give it a shot. Okay, cool.

Especially after you've swayed them with the conquering of Morgothal. Yeah. You know, Morgothal will help punch things through. Eventually, they think Morgothal could do. You know, Morgothal helped punch things through. Eventually, they think Morgothal could do it. They said the thing that his people were most afraid of, and the reason that they had not done anything themselves, is the Marshes of Gul'duz. There's a castle that is half sunken in the middle of the marshes

where the headquarters of the Demolith are, and they didn't really have the resources to take on a half sunken castle. They're not water breathing elves. They're, they're, they're, they're not good at just coping with evil because they're kind of sticklers for nature.

That happens every time I get a room on air D and D, but now that you have a potential marching fortress that could assault the castle directly, he, he was like, I already have visions of this Morgothal mashup creature you've created

punching through the walls of the fortress. I like your thinking. Air D&D is a great app. I'm already thinking. You go to any town and you find out where there's a game yeah I love it but then

a lot of games could end in murder Torzo has been sort of twitching at your feet the whole time listening in and he pipes up lets you know that Count Barris hides in shame he is displeased with his lot in life

and where it has led him. He requires not assistance. However, if you were to seek him out, he might march with you. Of course. We'll get all the freaky deacons together. Big, freaky, crazy army. He tells you you could travel back basically the way you

came. Anybody got any dragons? I have a giant balloon shaped like the noid he gets kind of sheepish um avoid the balloon shaped like the noid god you did you guys remember when the how much of like merchandise for the noid was out when that was but like there's a noid in the spot it was kind of annoying it's like noid candy yeah i'll be allowed the spot game was pretty gooded in the spot. It was kind of annoying. It was like annoyed candy. Yeah, I'll be honest. The spot game was pretty good. The seven-up spot Nintendo game.

You know what? Spuds fucking wiped them all out. Yeah. Can't stand up to Spuds. He was the original party animal. So do you guys want Torzo to be there? Do you want him to tell you where Barris is? What do you want from Torzo at this point? Well, what's the easiest way?

Do we go to him? He says back the way you came. He hopped through the mists himself. Right, but are these... Oh, we don't want to go through the mists again. He says it's the fastest way back to Count Barriss. Well, can't he get Barriss to come to us? Because which way are we going on this battle?

Across the way. He's twitching more and more. He says, I could, but as I said, there are vampires hunting for both myself and you. Well, right. So then we want to go out and look for bears. But if we go out with a full wood elf army, we're safer.

I'll do whatever the consensus is. If they're coming to find us, can't we just wait? We can't wait. He thinks that... He keeps looking over his shoulder. He thinks there could be a vampire following him here.

We need to have more power and more hit points before we can giant these guys these more dukes because it's a bunch of end bosses together yeah lecus or baris three oh morgathal morgathal yeah i mean there's not much you can do with him he's just gonna be booting bosses right so well no it is this is three different vamps so So, you know of three. Yeah, you've defeated a couple of them.

How many are left? What's good is they're out of their homes. Right, but they're pissed. There's an island castle to the northeast run by Count zellor there is a mountain castle to the northwest run by count dyandel and uh

or i think i pronounced it dindle at one point um and then uh the keeper of uh the demoliths uh little little castle in the marshes is Count Fenzen. So there's three. Is Fenzen the most powerful? He has the best breath. He says Barriss is the most powerful, but the three of them overwhelmed Barriss. Right, and Barriss was on our side. Yes.

Well. Fenzen is definitely the one he fears the most. Let's go get him. Fenzen. No, let's go get Barriss and then we've got a wizard. The three of them are all out on patrol. They have left their castles and are now hunting.

Yeah, that's good. I like that. I hate going back through the mist, but maybe it won't take us two episodes to do it. Is there a fast way to get back through the mist? Well, you did take the spooky way out and he said it relatively same amount of time is the scary way do you know anything about this the castle in the hills of hope he says uh who are you asking actually they're different people might have different

info on that you can ask everybody what else a wood elfer so fore, Vorenmeyer tells you... A great restaurant is only beer and wine. That is an abandoned monastery that humans used to live in. He knows little of it. It used to connect to an adjacent island that humans had settled first. Set up shop there, maybe. Well, you do also have a home near the edge of the mist that was gifted to you. That's true. A timeshare on Rehoboth Beach. They peek over your shoulder at this map,

the one given you by Count Barris, and remind you there is this path through the mountains that you didn't take, if you thought that might be more interesting. However, there are a lot of skeletons on the map there. You know, I've always wondered what would happen if I had chosen the path not taken. I think, you know, now's the chance for us to really

get a second chance. Count Barriss is in the dwarven city that you had left. So he's hiding in his former home that he abandoned some hundreds of years ago. See, I feel like we can go back, get Barriss, talk to Lekas and the

lunar elves. Maybe I'll meet some more. Let's go through the mist though and not the other place. Because we still need time for this tree to turn on. I promise you not the exact same thing will happen if you go through the mist. I wasn't saying that.

I wasn't doubting it. But no one here knows how to make the mists safer. Can we just... No, no, we can't. Do you want to go around? Do you want to go to the cliff? No, I was going to say if we could cross just straight up through Elven territory.

Oh, can we? Now that we've got elves on our side, can we... Is there a shortcut? You could. It would take a little, maybe like a day longer. But if you were to go through the west, you could head almost back towards Count Amalegda's castle, avoid the mountains completely, and head right back towards count amalegda's castle avoid the mountains completely and head right back into elven territory the way you did the first time

but it's still a few days traveling it's still like going uh going around the great lakes to get from indiana to michigan the west side of michigan i don't know what you're saying you're trying to go to the upper peninsula through wisconsin lake brian a lake is a giant pond you do know what surfing is right yeah boaty so is that what you want to try you want maybe i don't know what are you thinking blaine i mean tweet uh i'm thinking maybe we should, if we have a couple of days, are we... Relatively speaking, it would take a couple of days to get there.

Should we... It's like two days north this way, two days north this way, three and a half days along. Well, let's just, let's go, let's go the quickest way there. Before we go, let's like, let's camp out. Let's do a tiny hut.

I'll relearn all my spells. We'll throw some heals on these guys. We can get back up. Heal up this elf we're carrying. Come with us. Maybe bring some more elves with us. Maybe walk over some health and hit the checkpoint. Okay. Where do you

want to heal exactly? Because Vornmeyer tells you he can stay in the city, but he looks like he wants to have a chat about these vampires hunting you. Are you attracting them? What are you doing? What's going on with these vampires? Are you bringing vampires to my doorstep? We don't know.

You don't know? You're not trying to? Okay. He says he can't fit all of his warriors in a Leomond's tiny hut. Can I mention that I didn't say I was going to let them all in my town?

Okay. Well, where are you going to go? Because they say they'll wait. They'll follow you. But you might want to find somewhere to heal and rest up for a full day other than town. Okay. Okay. Because they would want to be sitting ducks. I understand.

Okay. Well, let's get out of town. Let's see if we can get up to San Luis Obispo at least. Also, would they feel safer maybe loading into the giant tree? Just grab Bakersfield and taking a rest. Hit the flying J. That's Bakersfield and take a rest. Hit the flying J. That's not a bad idea. He says, it's not a bad idea. He's a bud.

I'm going to grab that guy. And riff. Anyway, I've never drank that much Bactine in my life. Morgothal is a great idea. He wonders if you'd be accompanying them. He's just curious. Where are you guys going? He wants to make sure he can meet up with you as soon as you're ready to travel.

We're going to heal up in a safe area to keep you safe. All right. And where will we meet up? Should we meet up up north? I'm making you guys plot this out because there are three vampires hunting you, and it's going to affect what happens next, where you crash for the night. We should. We also, just so they know, we've beaten vampires before.

We're not that afraid of them. Right. This is three of them together. We've beaten them separately. You beat one while he slept. Yeah. Now of them. Right. This is three of them together. We've eaten them separately. You beat one while he slept. Yeah. Now I know. Exactly.

Thoroughly and soundly. Here's my theory. Three vampires attacking us would be like three adults in Las Vegas trying to figure out where to have breakfast. I think they would be so obsessed with trying to get their own plan going that we would just be able to go in and go to the buffet and eat without them. I think we need Paris for sure. While we're talking, one of the scouts says they saw something pass across the moon to the north.

Oh, meat. They saw something pass across the moon to the north. Oh, me. Not the moon, but the sky. The light in the sky. What? There was a dark shape to the north. Let's head to Barriss,

because I think he will have advice for how to defeat the other vampires. Apologies to anyone who was really into the role-playing aspect of this one. Forgot there was no moon. Let's run for a bit before we get out of town. He says one of the scouts can probably track you. If you want to go sleep separately, they'll meet you in eight hours.

Let's do that. We're heading north? We're heading to Barris, yes? Yeah. Okay. Quickest ways through the mist. That's fine. You could potentially go the other path.

I still feel like I haven't gotten a sense of which way you're going to go. No, we're going to go. We decided mist, but quickest route, right? Yeah. Yep. All right. A couple of hours. You make it out.

You notice the ground is no longer shaking beneath you as it once was. You get to the edge of the forest. You start heading towards the mist. You see off to the east the path that took you back to the house. The mist is immediately to your north. The trees are getting sparser. Keep going. Into the mist or are you going to rest up?

Oh, is there any kind of cover? Well, we're going to use this thing. This thing is invisible. You're going to go sleep in the house? I think so. Great. Can vamps detect this thing? It's a great question.

So you head over there. Nothing looks like it has been molested. You get inside and if you like Tui you can stock back up in your little greenhouse closet and you guys can ransack the house again looking for a wondrous item

oh yeah I'll do it if anyone so each day you get to do one attempt to find a wondrous item in this old drow hoarder's house. If you hit a 20,

you find a wondrous item. If you don't, you find a bunch of junk. You find some dead cats and TV guides. Correct. That's herds. 16. I have a bonus. So you can roll again when you wake up. guides. Sixteen.

You can roll again when you wake up. Three. That's a twenty, right? Nope. Want to roll a fancy dice? Want to roll this guy? Oh, sure. Ian Gerstel's wireframe, 3D printed. Can you read it.

Can you read it? 16. Bull. All right. Wow, let me see. That's beautiful. So that's your attempt for the day. Yeah, go ahead and fondle that guy.

What was I trying to get? If you hit a 20, you could... Oh, just a 20. I have a wondrous item table that you could randomly dip into. Right, right. So as soon as you're all done running second house, you get a little tired, you feel like you might want to rest up

if you're going to do it. Hey, you guys. You wake up. Brian, you've healed your damage, but your leg is still tingly. Something's going on there. What do I think is going on there? You know, I have some necromancy kind of a...

I have a book that I can check. I'm going to see if I can maybe whip up some little recipe. Maybe some lemon chicken. And rub it on his leg. Maybe some rice pudding. Are you going to rub it on his naked leg? Well, I'm going to try

to lay a little necro whammy on this leg and see if I can do some healing. Maybe combine it with a little... Webnecromancy.com. I guess I'm trying to prompt you. Are you going to look at the skin on his leg? I'm going to look at the skin on his leg. Okay.

As you help his pants off, you do notice that there is sort of a flaky gray quality to the skin where he got grabbed okay I'm going to

I'm going to do a cure wounds on it and I'm also going to see if I can maybe whip something up in my head where I combine my knowledge of necromancy and use some of these herbs and things

that I've found. Notice the cure wounds does nothing. He's already got full hit points. Skin doesn't change. Why don't you roll 100? What do you have in... Let's see. You've got... Where's twee? I have medicine. You've got... Where's Twee?

I have medicine. You have plus eight to medicine. That's amazing. Now that we've fixed everybody's proficiencies, because he's a bard, he gets ridiculous skill bonuses for the college. Were people losing their shit that you hadn't fixed our proficiencies yet yes oh they were well people kept asking like why don't you

do more skill roles since you're doing so many ability roles right and that's when i was like looking into dnd beyond noticing how many proficiency bonuses fifth edition gives you yeah it's crazy like how powerful i think yeah i mean i just tried to throw a boss at you and you just whip the shit out of them i can uh i have a proficiency in making a perfect omelet flip it's like a little detail but it makes a big difference so um i would say the difficulty normally of of uh finding something in the book based on your on your knowledge and not really being a warlock or somebody specializing in necromancy would be pretty high. So let's say that's a base of something over 80, but now they'll say something over 40 because you've got a really high base.

How about 91? You find some very specific information in this book on page 91 you think his leg has got a little bit of a curse on it the only way to reverse it would be to find the

specific spells that the forest the wood elves had cast on Morgothal in the first place. Oh, well, they'll know what they are. Maybe. You do recall them not remembering how to reverse the curse when you were talking about what to do about Morgothal. Can we monitor it?

I mean, can we? Yeah, of course. Does it seem like it's spreading? No. Okay. No. Okay. No. And you think you may have your friend War Child to thank for that. I'm not having bad feelings.

It's not like a symbiote. I don't want to do a dance sequence. Not yet, but also you haven't slept yet. Oh, okay. I thought we had slept. Have you slept? I just slept. I just slept. We just did.

Okay. Well, you had some weird dreams last night, Bodhi. Okay. When you were asleep, it like sting was a llama, but you could still tell it was sting. No, but there was a smell of... I was humming Roxy in the whole time.

There's a smell of sulfur. And you dreamt that you were... Oh, that's not good. You were buried under a rustling sound. And you couldn't see. It was like being underwater, but not. I don't like it. I had some bad dreams, you guys. Oh, no.

You know what, though? You would call it bad so much as disconcerting. We were sitting downstairs, and you walked downstairs in your bathrobe, went over to the refrigerator. We asked you what you were doing. You didn't say anything. And then you ate my pillow and said it was a giant marshmallow. It felt like in the movie Abyss, where he realized he could breathe underwater.

Did you shit in a tuba? Yes. Oh, or did he realize something in his dream? He's not sure what he... Because he was asleep when it happened. Brian just missed all of this because he was riffing, by the way. What?

You sort of came to an unconscious realization. Of what? You're not sure. I was telling people who were listening that it felt like in the abyss when he realizes he can breathe underwater. Oh, yeah. While you were asleep.

You can breathe in dirt or something. I don't know. Almost like you realize you can commune with dirt. Am I undead? Not as far as you and Tweed can tell. Not as far as Dr. Tweed. I am a doctor, you know.

Dr. Tweed. Hi, everybody. Sorry. Ask me anything. I'll give you free legal advice on the Nerd Poker website. Why don't you guys rifle through some items again and see if anything happens.

All righty. Come on, 20. Come on, 20. Come on, 20. 18. Oh. Hey, can I roll that, 20. Come on, 20. 18. Oh. Hey, can I roll that cool one? Absolutely, you can.

Oh, I should have rolled the cool one. 13. That's a 20, right? Fuck. Brian? 11. Oh, man. We've rolled at least like 10 times at this point in this house.

Oh, that hit the pencil. 11. It's this fucking dice. Gago wakes up. Oh, hello, Gago. He starts going through some shit, doesn't find anything. What's going on? How you doing?

Oh, hello, guys. You feel okay? Nah, man, doesn't find anything. What's going on? How you doing? You feel okay? Nah, man. I feel like shit. What do you need? Some more whiskey? Fucking booze, yeah, bro. Thank God. I've never felt more sober in my life. Jesus Lord. What are you worried about? You were bashing into the wall

like a moth. Well, that, man. I don't like fucking psychic screams you're still trying to roll your meanwhile bode fast forward 73 days and uh finally finds we've been here for 100 days a ring of holy shit flabbity blue he hasn't gotten a single 20. Didn't count. We almost got kicked out of multiple times. Have you been with us when we've done the happy birthday thing where we sing happy birthday

and then we do ha? Were you with us the time we were in New York and a bunch of us wouldn't stop doing it in this bar and finally this Irish bartender just had enough of us and was screaming, you guys don't stop doing it in this bar. And finally, this Irish bartender just had enough of us and was screaming, like, you guys don't stop it. You're getting the fuck out of here.

But we were doing, ah, like you're about to start a happy birthday. And we'd do it every couple of minutes. That and the fucking New Year's countdowns. It would be like lots of us doing, ah. It's watching people react to that noise is fantastic. Yeah, yeah. People look around. Everybody, huh?

Even if they know it's coming. So you guys are just kind of going through some shit, walking around. You look out the window, and you think you see something moving in the distance beyond the stone dwarven statues that watch guard over the house. Some fucking vampires and shit.

That's John Cusack with a boombox, isn't it? Step outside and you see it's the wood elves. They're afraid to walk any closer because of the statues. Oh, yeah. Can we turn those statues off? Not that you know of. Don't walk past those statues. They protect us. They'll mess you up.

They're our friends. Oh, they say. Okay. Yeah. There's just a couple of scouts. We'll check the Barrises, right? Yeah, they say they've tracked you to the house, and they're ready to travel. All right, guys. It's going to be exciting.

It's going to be a fun trip. I'm going to go find Barris. You guys got a lot of beef jerky? They say Torzo was quite cowardly, and actually we uh he started trotting off towards the uh through the mist without you yeah torzo's an idiot did we uh reload what are we doing on like rations and all that uh so you found some meager rations in this house okay but you know the wood elves rationed up they've got they've got some rations you guys are actually doing pretty good

you've done you've been call DoorDash DoorDash by the way I hope they become a sponsor

I'm gonna do something to make them a sponsor or just keep saying your name every episode because

DoorDash I just discovered it I got a couple of what if let's say you had a craving for your name every episode because I just discovered it. I got a couple of... What if, let's say, you had a craving for a chicken deluxe taco from Del Taco? I don't think they have that

on DoorDash, but there are other food apps. They've got Taco Bell. No, but I... Starbucks now? Sure. food apps well they've got uh taco bell taco bell but uh no but i also have muso and frank starbucks now yeah sure delivered the we were in the middle you guys of doing the first episode episode 24 and uh we decided we wanted some starbucks we ordered it and uh 30 minutes later it was here it's fucking it's amazing it's the future it's it's everything well i just tweeted it then we'll see what happens it's like would you say don't tell doordash we like them

i said we were only able to record our nerd poker pot episode tonight because you brought us lattes thanks guys it's like having a food replicator. Oh, it is. But a slave. I used it at 1 a.m. last night for Taco Bell. A food replicator that now has your address. Because say what you will about Taco Bell, but Taco Bell at 1 a.m., like right after you thought of it, it's fucking amazing. And you don't have to get in your car. Those are some precious.

It's beautiful. It just happens. 12 times processed beans. I want to eat this, and then it happens. Yeah. It's amazing shit. It's George Jetson shit. Did you see that movie with Bruce Willis, Chalupur?

Chalupur? That was where he just keeps going back in time to go to Taco Bell. Foreclose. He had to go back and close his cell. Seriously, DoorDash. And it sounds like Jordache. it's the food you want to eat better realize as you get on your steeds and look

at the wood elves that they're all on reindeer mounts and something about their reindeer mounts looks a little familiar and you realize you are on undead versions, undead, moroized versions of what they are writing.

Got it. Uh, further, furthering, uh, your hypothesis that count Barris has perhaps raided the wood elves for their wizards, their steeds.

Yeah. What did they think of this guy? They, are they a fan of him no oh they're not but they find it very interesting that you walked away from an encounter

with him without clashing swords yeah just talk to the guy do they like him less than the lunar elves they think these are dire times you've hooked up with alliances the most amenable amenable so no game of thrones spoiler they tell you they can't they

just don't know uh like they think anything could be possible with count barris they're they have low expectations but high hopes and the lunar elves are more worried lunar elves they said they're open to talking to wood elves but the lunar elves are more worried lunar elves won't like that. They said they're open to talking to wood elves but the lunar elves are sort of notorious for being set in their ways. That'll be the diciest as far as they're concerned.

So you guys head north into the mist and really quick I'm going to just do an inventory. You are with 17 wood elves. Oh, nice. Mixture of rangers and druids, mostly ranger hunter types. Oh, so we have some, yeah, nice. You feel like a little more bold heading through the uh the mists well i like uh yeah however

you realize pretty quick uh that who's uh these guys it's hard to see right away so you you immediately improvise the rope system again does bode like have an idea like uh who looks like the toughest guy amongst them and no seriously like uh is there another big guy uh do i yeah yeah do i am i i'm looking at the rangers too he's into bears if you know what i mean he's shooting what who has like long range who has like a crossbow what yeah there's one there's one ranger who's got long black hair and uh really broad shoulders and a bunch of tribal tattoos up and down his arm. I just, I tell him. Aye, aye, aye, aye, aye, aye.

You know what? What do you say? Was it then the ranger hit you right in the face? I just want this brother to know that I'm happy he's joining us in this mission. happy he's joining us in this uh this mission he uh he nods at you and uh asks uh tell me barbarian do you pray to a god yeah i do he says well cord guides me cord yeah that is a barbarian's god we've heard of this cord uh he uh he tells you that he, you know, finds it interesting that he should be on a quest with a half-orc such as yourself.

I'm also half-not-orc. Maybe you try being not racist. He says, oh, douché, as you accuse him of subtle racism. Did you say douche as you accuse him of subtle racism did you say douche he goes hey because you zinged him yeah and you all as you march in the mist feel a tense tingle in the back of your neck you're not sure if it's because uh it's the danger and difficult uh uh what's what's it called the seeing in front of you space yeah you can't see that far or if it's because uh visibility maybe yeah or or perhaps you've... Visibility? Good one, Brian. Oh, God. I've had such a fucking day, you guys.

No, I'm... Some days I can't remember my name. Or the word for a name. Without going too much into it, I... Sometimes I can't remember things that I want to say. Today I spent so much time on the phone with my college going over shit from 17 years ago. I had a camera up my pee hole this morning.

Blaine's camera up his pee hole. I don't know if any of your listeners have tried that before. I have, and it is. It's not pleasant. My doctor, when he did it, he told me, hey, you got a lot of scar tissue up in here. Hopefully this camera will flatten it out a little bit. The weirdest thing is that he used it to look at something in his butthole.

They put a camera in his pee hole and then shoved his penis up his butthole. It seems like there's an easier way to do that. Hey, if I could shove a camera up my pee hole and shove that up my butthole, I'd never leave that. I just said we're number one and gave us a thumbs up. So as I was saying... Sam just gave us a number one and a

thumbs up. He really likes what we're doing. He loved the little penis up the butthole thing. I'm always looking for a way to get the penis up the butthole thing. Pee-hole, pee-hole, talk. I'm always looking for a way to get the penis up the butthole in a comedy routine, and I did it. Yeah, you could just yell, freeze. As you're going through, you get that weird tingling sensation

in the back of your neck, and you don't know if it's because of visibility or the fact that you guys all just hit level 6 which is a really fun level. Those of you who have played 5th edition before know that opens up some delightful business. Holy crap.

Level 6, by the way, is just level 4 with two fingers up your ass. As you hit level 6, some... We need a girl to play with us again. This game has gotten... After I just did the old pee hole up the bottle. I've been telling you guys.

Because we're always on best behavior when we have it. I think we should, no exaggeration, get a lady to come in here and guest during one of our normal events. I need Sarah to be sitting across from me. We should have Sarah come in. Sarah Guzzardo, not Sarah Silverman. I'd get dirtier if Silverman was here. Let's get Guzzardo in here for a normal

adventure for one of the non-patron episodes. Wait, she wants to play again. Well, I just sent her the fifth edition book stuff. Oh, you did? Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's welcome to take a look and build a character if you want to call in the cavalry on the fart jokes. Unless it's a pig when she's she's welcome to take a look and build a character if you want to call in the cavalry

so a couple of things also light fewer farts well you know that's true but but he he when he does do it he does it through his pants as opposed to exposing his naked butthole like he does when it's just us bros he learned everything he learned he knows from robert wool god i hate when i have to look at your fucking butt. Maybe get a DoorDash to come in here and light your butt. DoorDash look. Okay, I want to see what I can get

through because we're at about an hour. I want to squeeze in a couple of extra little things before. I got to go pick up my quality eyeglasses. You guys all just dinged. And it was for quite a bit of heroism because that Morgothal business was not just a fight, but you busted out some major shit. So while you're marching,

all of a sudden it appears as if the mist comes to a halt and the particles of it begin to float in the air and suddenly you can see almost a mile ahead of you uh and it becomes very clear as the molecules of the mist freeze you see not just a path through the mist, but shapes of things moving through the mist. Wait a minute, this is Stephen King's mist. Dan's waving his arms, by the way. In the distance. So you realize also as you look around, the wood elves you're with have frozen in place.

Time has stopped. Oh, for real, or are they scared? Yes. Time has stopped. And who do we think did this? You're not sure until Oh, these fucking...

Until one of the shapes flies at you fast. Yup. And then let's do uh suddenly three of the half the man i used to be are not shadow hanging over me off of their steeds and one of them uh disappears entirely uh so Disappears entirely. So you notice... Man up, we got vampires incoming.

Although time has appeared to have stopped, there are three elves frozen on the ground staring up at the sky and one has gone missing from its steed. Okay. And we're going to go ahead and leave it at that for next time, you guys. Wow, you guys. Cliffhanger on episode 25. So see you next week to hear us die.

My dice trace is I'm going to live forever, Bodie. You can't have Bodie killing vampires flying at us. Anything you want to plug, Blaine, Dan, Ken? Keep an eye on my Twitter feed, nerds. I'm going to be at Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf with an iguana for about four hours on Thursday if you want to come by and look at me and then tweet that you can't believe

there's a dude at Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf with an iguana. Oh, I had this cool thing happen on Twitter where someone said, hey, Dan, you mentioned Dungeons and Dragons for kids and tell me the rules. And I was like, hey Dan, you mentioned Dungeons and Dragons for kids and tell me the rules and I was like, hey, working trying to tell D&D they should

let me write a book about it and stuff and Dungeons and Dragons tweeted back saying yeah, we're working on it. If you want to keep doing that on Twitter I wouldn't be opposed to it you guys, if you've got kids under 12 and you want them to play

D&D with dialogue options in place of possible violence, jazz. We have talked about doing this too. Hopefully we'll do a Nerd Poker with kids playing. We would love to have my daughters who've played

with Rhodes. Teach Rhodes and maybe get another kid or two in here. Yeah, we know a lot of comedians with kids. We know some kids. Yeah. How about Ricky Schroeder? He's a kid. It's Rick now, and he doesn't look like being called a kid.

Oh, okay. Yeah, that's something we want to do soon. It's just been hard enough getting these episodes and then our bonus ones. But we want to get them. Maybe during winter break or something. Yeah, that's a good idea. That'd be fun because they give your kids while they're on vacation something they can listen to without all the potty language cool uh i know that sounds like it's far off but it really isn't the shit zips by um i've got gigs uh coming up. Places I like going. I've got Portland coming up. I've got Philly coming up.

Both Heliums. And January, I've got Chicago, DeKalb, a bunch of there's through fall and winter I'm pretty busy again. So I took a summer off. I barely performed during the summer.

But I'm back to hitting the road. So brianpassine.com for those. Thanks for listening, guys. Bye, friends. Bye. Bye, you guys. Thanks for listening to another episode of Nerd Poker. You can follow us at patreon.com slash nerdpoker.

And you get bonus episodes from there. another episode of Nerd Poker. You can follow us at patreon.com slash nerdpoker, and you get bonus episodes from there. And you can also send us anything at P.O. Box 16069 Encino, California, 91416. Thanks for listening. You're a master