Nerd Poker - Episode 25 - Quake Boss

Episode Date: July 10, 2019

The battle only gets more intense, and the Ice Five realize how even some dangerous mind flayers could to meet their doom down in this cavern. TikTok (aka Boss) does his best to protect Gus (aka Boss) from the bus-sized beast pinballing around the cavern, but there is more than one horror in the deep. Once again Halcyne is driven by the DM, but Sarah will be back soon.

Hey everybody, I'm Brian Poussin, Comedian, writer, actor, nerd. I've been playing D&D with my friends for a long time. I decided to do a new podcast where we play Dungeons & Dragons in my very own dining room. With my wife, kid, and my noisy dogs. So meet my friends Sarah, Kev, Dan, Blaine, Chris. Now it's time for another episode of Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker. Season three. Hey, everybody.

I'm Brian Poussaint, and you're listening to, wow. Chris really smiled at that. You're listening to Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker, episode 25. Just like episode 24, Sarah couldn't be with us tonight. But my other friends are here. I've got Chris. Hello. Ken.

Hi. Dan. Hey. Blaine. How's it going, eh? It's going pretty good, eh? Take off. What a beauty way to go.

And at the end of the table, we got Sam there. Hi, everybody. Hi, Sam. Hi, Sam. Want to hear about some Patreons that support us? Yeah, that's probably how we normally do this. We got a supporter that goes by CMDS. By the way, Sarah's fine, right?

She's still fine. That poor person cannot miss an episode now without people wondering. So there we are. There's the perfunctory. There's nothing actually wrong with Sarah. We're trying not to play when we're down somebody, but we're also trying to stay ahead

so we have episodes banked. That way, if more than one of us has, say, like an ill family member that we need to hang out with, it's not the end of the world, which has happened. Yeah. She's taking care of her entire family this evening. If you remember, there was an episode near the end of last campaign where like I think everyone at the table had the flu

and we were down somebody and it was like the second to last of the campaign, but we called it and we're like, let's take the holidays. I remember this, but I, we, I had to stop everybody from doing another episode. Everyone was like,

let's keep, yeah, yeah. Brian was like, keep going. I'm going to go. You didn't say, can I go take a nap?

You said you guys can let yourselves out. I'm real tired. Cause I've had diarrhea all day and my nose won't stop running. I just want to go to sleep. I remember that. I was like, I was like, no diarrhea coming out of your nose. Every orifice was flowing and I was just like, no, we're not doing the last episode of the campaign down to people while everyone is sick. This is stupid.

All the host is. Yeah. Well, while the person everyone's tuned into because his name is in the title. Sneezing poo. That is terrifyingly accurate. You've got to get that inoculation, Brian. You don't want to start sneezing poo again.

Speaking of sneezing poo, let me thank a couple more Patreon members. Thank you. You're terrible at segues. I don't know what you're talking about no thank you also misha thank you misha thank you misha josh joshua coughlin thanks joshua joshua thank you don't forget gerrymandering is still a very real problem thank you don't forget gerrymandering we saw him recently that that yeah we had business lunch yeah we sure did we were hanging out and

at a food truck and we saw jerry duggan yes it was delightful and finally if i'm driving a food car soon yay oh he'll be back jerry would play with us all the time but he's busy being a famous comic book writer yeah who's working his butt off yeah um and finally you guys finally thank you blackie green's wacky peen blackie green's wacky peen i love it brought to you by rock hard lemonade you can see why i kept coming back even though you guys were like we've moved on psychologically we don't need one more person to think and i'm like no no no wacky peen i will it sounds like a saturday morning kid show that you wouldn't want your kid to watch blackie green's wacky peen what the hell is that part of peewee's playhouse where paul rubin goes hey everybody we're gonna be well we should be this

puppet and you're like okay well let's not do that i know you were but what was i last time on nerd poker our heroes went into a cave to help out their new sort of friends, some mind flayers. Gus got the shit whooped out of him by something that blew out of the ground as you made it deep into the tunnel. It happens. You're in a big sort of open underground field in mid-combat, so weird as fuck episode for you to listen to if you don't know what's going on. I'm going to keep it real nice and brief. Up next in the combat order, you have Lixenrot,

one of your new friends. I wouldn't call him that. You wouldn't? Not with that name. Okay. Oh. But now, I know I'm putting you on the spot a little bit,

but if there was a different name that you would like him. I don't know the name is hard it's like a Harry Potter villain where you're like oh I wonder if that guy is going to be a bad guy with that terrible name Lickson Rot he's Lickson Rot

pretty fucking cool name some cool writer made up so Lickson Rot is going to run up and uh extend a hand this creature is going to do an intelligent saving throw it definitely failed it rolled a five and it has a negative four to intelligence so there you go it doesn't there you go. Who doesn't?

This thing's dumb. It's going to take four... Most of us, actually. It's going to take a lot of psychic damage. This is speaking for myself. Big old dum-dum. No. Why won't anyone defend Brian against himself? Does anyone have a d8 handy? I can't find my d8

for some reason. Sweet. I got it. I gave him a D20. 1, 9, 15, 20 plus... Alright, so he does 24 points of psychic damage to this thing's asshole.

Gross. Specifically? And its legs start kicking violently after he lays this thing into this. Wait, it's got legs? Butt. Big fucking rhino legs. Oh, man.

I hope he doesn't know how to use them. I knew that was coming. Oh, that explains the cake. Up next, it's this guy's turn. He burrows underground and is gone. Which guy? The giant thing that burst out of the ground and knocked out Gus.

Oh, so now it's gone? It's underground. Okay. And there's a big pile of broken rock where it once was. Doctor, maybe a good barrier or two for Gus here? Let me see what I

could do. Damn! Seven. You're going to walk back to the group there, Doctor? Yeah, he's healing Gus. Hold on. I would say, as soon as he goes underground, things are very eerily quiet

and the ground continues to shake. Technically, Queep is next in the combat order. Hey, Queep. Yeah. What are you going to say or do considering everything's quiet? You're just going to kind of be frozen? What are you going to do? Yeah, I think I'm going to stay still.

You're going to hold your action, so to speak? Yeah, because I don't want to get anybody else killed. Snaginthus is going to hold back with you. Hi, Snaginthus. Hello, my friend. Dr. Ewitt, it is totally your turn now.

I'm staying put with this. You're going to do one of these? Yeah, I'm going to just sort of... I'm trying to figure out where this thing went is there a way to yeah you can do a um to perception check i would love to do that because i'm just the way it went into the ground and be able to like feel the vibrations are they going around or i'll try to do something like that. Okay. I'll let you roll this with advantage because you are a druid

and I would think you would know how to feel the ground for movement pretty well. So what's this check? Perception. Perception. So plus four is 26. Yeah. You feel like the violent vibrations beneath your feet

are only briefly in front of you before you can feel this thing wheeling around to the right. I'm kind of pointing to everybody where this thing is going. So is there any way... I hate to bring Dune into this. Is there any sort of like... I really would prefer you do the sandworms and Beetlejuice, but yeah, I'll allow it.

Well, there's... In Dune, they would be able to make it from sand to rock and be able to stand on the rocks and the worms would be able... This is a trope in Tremors as well. I prefer Dune because I read for fuck's sake. I love Dune. I'm totally on board. I did a joke earlier just so I could say Beetlejuice. I read because I like it.

It's just fundamental, Brian. Emphasis on fun and demental. Is there something that we could go to that this thing would not drill through like a stalactite? With that perception check,

you do think there is a large boulder in the middle of this field. It's about another 10 feet out towards where the rumbling is coming from. It's like if I did this. That's my aquafina. Okay. I'm kind of gesturing to everybody.

I'm doing a thing sort of pointing at the ground and pointing us to where it's going, and I'm going to start moving towards this rock. You're going to get on the rock? All right. So here's what I can do. I can smell what it's cooking. Like right there. Okay.

So you would be on it it which doesn't really work yeah yeah we'll stack them and maybe we actually just do that just do that that's all you need look at that love it all right all right you get up there and we're gonna take things to tiktok um i didn't mean to yell about the reading thing no it is fundamental i will thank fucking god someone said it make eye contact with hal seen and look down towards gus i know she stabilized him is Is there some kind of healing? Yeah. If I do that, that'll be the action, right? If you tell her to heal him, that won't count

as your action. You're just saying, please heal my friend. Okay. She has prayer of healing, but that would take a little while. You know what? Prayer of healing takes 10 minutes to do. We'll take care of it when we get to the rock. Okay.

I will sort of gently sort of football him, but like sort of with his wings around him. I want to make sure. Oh my God, the feels. Yeah. I want to make sure he's like safe. Take a breath. And then I uh sprint for the

for the rock do you have dash i can dash okay you're gonna need dash to get there i'm going to dash okay put you up here cool you can take gus gus in his little mini just hold on him over here for now do you put him where you like he's technically up there with you on the rock yeah and then that'll bring us to Halcine Halcine is gonna fall back

towards Queep and she is going to hold her action as well. Dark three rep. So he's not in the room anymore? No.

Well, he's underneath you, you think. And you and Lixenrod are both now kind of up there looking at where his butt went underground. I don't know what to do. Where are these guys? Up on the rock. We think that's the one place the monster can't hear us.

Oh, okay. Or break through underneath. It's safe-ish. I hope it doesn't... What should we do? Which we don't care. We can... Where's our one minute timer?

Where is it? Right there. Yeah. Off to the races this thing goes. What should I do with my action, guys? Either come up here. I mean, Halstein's falling back to them, so it looks like maybe there's going to be a group on the rock

or a group in the back. I think it's just more how you want to attack. Yeah, I'm going to fall back. Okay. Who's this? Oh, this is Lixenrot. Lixenrot. Lixenrot is going to cast Levitate,

and he is just going to kind of float to the other side. You would think that would be so he is evading a little bit. But yeah, he is now floating about two feet above the ground. Nice. And right about where you two were, this explodes out of the ground. Here comes a new friend. What? Oh, no.

Oh, it's a Bulette. Oh, no. It's a great Steve McQueen monster. I was thinking Bulette. Bulette. This thing is going to pass the same Volkswagen six times. It sees your friend

Lixenrot floating there. Oh no. I should talk to him sooner. Oh no. Bow, bow. Chicka-chicka.

Bow, bow, bow. So the moon is beautiful. He is going to fail his dexterity saving throw. The Bulette is going to jump. Oh, no. Jesus. And slam him into the wall. Is this the guy with the eye? Yeah, because the warforged

illithid. He is going to take 8 plus 12 bludgeoning damage plus 7 another 12 points of slashing

damage and he is going to fall prone to the ground And he is going to fall prone to the ground. Oh, no. Womp, womp. And that will bring us to Queep. Hi, Queep. I am going to fire my crossbow at it. Okay.

That's pretty armored up, huh? Yeah. Yikes. Yeah, it's like an armor elephant. You can try, but it's not going to lower the armor class just because you see a yummy armpit. Got it.

Shoot it in its eyeball armpit yeah go for the eyeballs 13 that's a miss sorry I would do that voice to you but 19 is right not to That is... So that's a hit, yeah? 19? That's a hit, yeah. You son of a bitch. And that is...

How much damage? 15 points. I'm sorry, 5 points of damage. Ooh, I liked 15. My math is all crazy today. Say 40. You gonna do anything else? I'm gonna fire another one.

Okay. Are you raging? No, but I have two attacks. Okay. Foof. Fix your diving paddle. Okay, that's a 19 again. That's another hit. Nice. And that's a 5. Damn. Alright, so chunk chunk right

into its belly. And I'm going to... A couple of bolts. Oh, I don't have another action, do I? No, you have a bonus action. I'll try to fly towards the rock. Okay. However far I can get. So you're going flat.

What sound do you make as you open your wings and begin to... Cock-a-doodle-doo. I don't think I want to make that sound, though. I will do it for you. Well, you do. I was like... I guess I don't want to attract attention. Quiet bird.

Fucking nerd bird. 5, 10, 15, 20, 25. So you're going to go that far. Opening a sunflower seed with his tongue and teeth. Bird nerd. Bird is the nerd. The reason I asked if you're raging is someone had recently brought up on the Patreon page. Remember, you're resistant to certain kinds of damage when you rage.

Oh, okay. That has not been coming up often enough to this particular rule knowledgeable fans liking. So I just want to keep you aware that is part of the benefit. Cool. Baby. And up next, we've got snagging this. So he is gonna go ahead and cast a little thing called Shocking Grasp.

Oh, yeah, that is good. Didn't they do Venus? He's gonna run up and just smack this guy. No, that was Bananarama. Oh, there's a cover. That is a miss. He can't get his hand on it, and so then he's going to back up to here.

Did he get it? No. He tried to cast, and it failed. Then we've got... A visitor. Let's take a pause. We're back. Thanks, Lakey. So Snaginthus has failed

a shocking grasp and he has backed up. You are up, Dr. Uwud. Okay. I'm up on the rock and that thing is in front of me. I'm going to do a... It's a wonderful night for a... moonbeam.

Yeah. Hell yeah. Throw a moonbeam on this guy. That's a spell attack, yeah? Yes. I'm okay! But the moonbeam is... Oh yes, please remind us. When a but the moon beam is oh yes please remind us when a silvery beam of pale light

shines down at 5 foot radius 40 foot high cylinder centered on a point within range till the spell ends dim light fills the cylinder creature enters the spells area on a turn or starts his turn there engulfed in ghostly flames that cause searing pain make a constitution saving throw 2d10 on a turn or starts his turn there engulfed in ghostly flames that cause searing pain.

Make a constitution saving throw. 2d10 on a failed save. Half as much on a successful one. All right, so he's going to get half because on his con save he rolled a 21. No! So 1d10. Mm-hmm. Seven.

All right, so he takes... And what kind of damage is this uh radiant damage this thing cuts into him and uh you hear just like crunching as it hits his armor oh so is it it's ineffective or it damages his armor? It sounds scary. It sounds crunchy. It sounds violent. Okay, good. That's good.

You'd feel pretty happy about this happening to the naughty boy. Crunch is good. Huh. Is that how Dr. Ewig thinks of it? As the naughty boy? I mean, I'm just narrating it in canon. There's nothing he can do to change this. Let's get this naughty boy.

Okay, well, I'm just learning about it. It's episode 25. There's so much. Every character is like an onion. We're just peeling back the layers. Naughty. Naughty Bulette. You like that, don't you, Bulette? It goes Oh, it does like it. Take that damage.

Tick tock, you're up. Yeah, you like that damage, don't you, Bulette? I wish there that damage. Tick tock, you're up. Yeah, you like that damage. Don't you do that. I wish there was something I could do to help. But Gus, so I will. I guess I'll lay him at my feet and fire off a couple more arrows. That is 17. That's a hit. Cool.

Nine points of damage. And on this one, I'm going to fire it up and make it a bursting arrow. Tell us about that bursting arrow, please. As soon as the arrow hits, I'm shooting it on this side. It normally explodes. Otherwise, the damage would explode and it could hurt other people, but I don't want to this side. Normally it explodes. Otherwise the damage would explode

and it could hurt other people, but I don't want to do that. Sure. So it's adding another 2d6 of force damage. Okay. So that's nine more points of damage. Damn, boy. It's like a little grenade arrow. Take that. Yeah, and you guys all see the whole cavern light up as this exploding arrow

smashes into the side of this guy. And then I'll just fire one more arrow. I wish you would. There you go. It's a 27, damn. That sure is a hit. Okay, so that's another 12. So I shoot that arrow in the explodey hole.

The hole you made with the grenade? Mm-hmm. All right. And how much damage did you just say was that one? That was 12 more. Great. Yeah, I mean, you are firing, firing, firing at this motherfucker. And it's Halcine's turn.

She is going to cast Inflict Wounds. This check brought to you by spaghetti tfs spaghettios that are down to fuck franco-american yeah i didn't even ask but thanks i was looking up spells and holy shit thanks for keeping it moving she does a lot of damage she thinks but this thing doesn't grunt as much as when it got hit by the moonbeam and what spell did she do inflict wounds it didn't seem to do the same kind of magic

she seems disappointed as she causes inflict wounds thinking it's just going to rip this thing up and it just kind of braces itself Dargther you're up I just going to rip this thing up and it just kind of braces itself. Dargther, you're up. I'm going to cast Hail of Thorns. Yes, here it comes.

Tell us what Hail of Thorns looks like, Brian. So I cast it, and then I have to hit with a ranged weapon. So I would fire my longbow at it. And what happens is the spell creates a rain of thorns that sprout from my ranged weapon or ammunition in addition to the normal effect of the attack, the target of the attack and each creature within 5 feet of it

have to make a dexterity saving throw. A creature takes 1d10 piercing damage on a failed save or half as much damage on a successful one. And then by since I'm 5th level, it's 1d10 for

each level after 2nd. So deck saving throw? Yeah. Ooh, it got a 3. So, first of all, here's a spell card with Hail of Thorns so you don't have to keep looking it up. Cool. Thank you. So, first of all, here's a spell card with Halo Thorns so you don't have to keep looking it up. Cool. Thank you. Brian,

if any of you need a spell card, just let me know and I'll yank it out for you. Yes, that's my card, Blaine. Oh my god. Is that your card? Hard to believe you guys had never met before. No, never met. Had never had time to work anything out? Nothing up his sleeve.

Oh my God. Press your wallet? No. That's not my wallet, but that's my card inside the... I take off my shirt. Your nipple ring. That's not my shirt. What?

This got interesting. Cool. So roll your damage,rian uh anybody got some tens sure do here's a d10 for you here's one for you also all right yeah i think that's, oh, yeah. Let's see. What you got, baby? What you got, baby? Brian Added Up brought to you by Sourdough Toast Crunch.

Feeling like sourdough toast? Feeling like sourdough toast crunch. Like 26. Nice. Which is which? So they explode into this thing and it almost shudders as you cause these to pierce its hide

it doesn't like you who's is this one the orange one is that Ken's maybe damn oh yeah cool hey Brian and then what happens Damn. Oh, yeah. Cool. Hey, Brian. And then what happens?

You had your arrow damage? Yeah, yeah. Okay. Oh, no. I mean, that was just, I had one. Did it say the beginning of its turn? What is the continuation of damage? What does it say?

The next time. The next time. The next time. It says... Next time you hit a creature with a range of 5 and a tag... So, okay. In addition... How long does it last? Up to a minute.

Okay. So, a couple more rounds. So I can continue to fire on it and it'll cast. Uh-huh. Yeah. Oh, cool. Same thing with Moonbeam. Yeah, Moonbeam is going to continue to just like slam into this thing. You guys were all

slamming it. I love slam. Licks and Rots gonna This is really gonna look good on my Denny's employee evaluation. Who is? Licks and Rots. Yeah, he's going to attempt to get up, but he is currently being pinned by this thing, so things are not looking solid.

Just roll up in a ball. We rolled a two against this thing's ten, so he stays pinned. This thing is going to attempt to bite Licks and Rots. That's a hit. And it is going to do a whole bunch of damage, you guys.

Where's Lixenrot? Is that the guy on the ground? Yeah. Things got shuffled a little bit, but it basically looks like this right now. Oh, no. It's on him. It's a lot of noises you're going to hear now. I don't like this thing.

These rolls brought to you by Basic Six. Basic Four with two fingers up your ass. Stays crunchy even in milk. Part of this battle is breakfast. Basic six. So this thing bends forward towards its paw.

Thank God you didn't say folds five. It clamps its jaws around Lickson Rot's head and pulls its head straight out of its neck waves its head back and forth and just like gulps its head down so he's okay? Queep you're up

yeah I'm gonna rage that's one response and then I'm going to swing the old great axe it's a fun mini that just got beheaded everybody great axe this fucker it's a really cool mini

so that is 23 to attack it sure is a hit. I'd like to see what happens as a result. Where's my 12? I don't know why I turned into Gus to respond. There it is.

Eight. I'm going to do it again. Okay. You chop its to do it again. Okay. You chop its axe into its bottom. Your axe into its bottom. That was not as good. What was that roll? That was a six. That's a miss. I'm going to get out of the way.

Okay. Are you going to back up? If I can fly further, I will fly away. Were you flying while you attacked it? You came around about 15 feet, so I think you've only got another... Let's see. How far can you fly? 60 feet? I'm looking to see, because I know it's different for flying

than it is for walking. Creep can go... 35 feet. Yep. No, that's my walking speed. Sorry. I should figure out my flying speed. Your flying speed's the same, if I'm not mistaken. Oh, son of a beasting.

At least I'll be up in the air. We must look like ants from up there. You guys are so adorable right now. Yeah, I'm going to do a quick search. Hang on a second. Hey, what is this flying speed for Eric Okra check brought to you by? Oh, you know, hey, Brian. Yeah.

Do you know I went to Palladino's over the weekend? You don't say. They have a breakfast special down there. No way. Yeah. I saw Cheap Tricks. And I saw I'ma Let You you finish the uh kanye west tribute breakfast that's fantastic i used to do that joke that there was a food truck oh i'm gonna let you

finish in portland where they would have such a thing. A food truck? Yeah. Based on Kanye West? Yeah, because there was one called Friday, I'm in Love, and it made me so happy. They have eggs benedicts. The thing I really like is how it just cuts off the Taylor Swift food truck in traffic.

Oh, yeah. That poor thing gets no respect. I hope she's okay. That truck. I think she'll be okay. I think she'll be all right. Desperately trying to come up with a Rodney Dangerfield truck joke. All right, so...

Because of the no respect. respect snagging this casts confusion um i thought snagging this got his head ripped off no that's licks and rot licks and rot oh okay so common mistake that was a voldemort it's like bill paxton bill pullman this thing is now confused. That'll make a good Freaky Friday. That was Eli and Sleazebaggino. Alright. This creature uses all its movement to move in a random direction this turn. What a weirdo. Dr. Uid, you're up.

He's gone random. I'm still doing the... The moonbeam is still going. Okay. Can I just roll for that? The spell attack, right? Yes. That's another two. Not a big deal.

Can I do a whip attack from here? How far am I? You're pretty far away. All right. Then I'm just going to stay put. Do you have to roll again for the moon beam? It just keeps going. It just keeps going as long as... It you have to roll again for the moonbeam? It just keeps going. It goes up to a minute.

But does it do a dex check to try to get out of it? It can... If it rolls another constitution saving throw. Yeah, it rolled a 23. Yeah, so that was just the... Okay, so it got one point of damage. Beep. Yeah, so that was just the... Okay, so it got one point of damage.

Beep. However, it does seem violent as it scrapes against its hide. Okay, good. If it's 2d10 and you half it, I was just rolling one die, so I roll another one in.

Do an insight check. No, I don't. What'd you get? Three. No, you don't pick it up. But you're doing damage, I'll just say that. Okay. That'll bring us to TikTok.

I will fire two more arrows. There's nothing else to do. Okay. So that's a 19? That's certainly a hit. Cool. I will...

So first it's... So that's six points from the arrow. I'm going to make this one another... Same thing. Another grenade arrow. Okay. That's another six points. And I'll shoot

a second time. Yeah, that's a 25. Wow, alright. So, suck right into a soft spot. So that's 12. So I'm just shooting that second arrow right into a soft spot. Eight and four, so that's twelve. So I'm just shooting that second arrow

straight into those grenade holes. Yeah, as the arrow lands, you think it's looking pretty rough. You're really starting to chip at this thing. Feels real good. You guys shoot it with more grenades! Hey, Dr. Uid and TikTok, I need both of you guys to do a perception check.

Go ahead. 22. 23. You guys both hear cries of rage coming from behind you in the cavern. Uh-oh. When you say cries, cries of like what? You hear an angry, guttural, humanoid scream. I look at the doctor and I go, she's coming, right?

That's her. Who? The humanoid that controls the- Remember it was a, we know it's a her and her beast. Yeah. And now that we are dealing blows. So yeah, you agree with that?

I do agree with that. Should we get off the rock and maybe It turns up unfortunately for you nerds on the this is happening right after before Halcine's turn. We have a rock conversation. So right now we're like, oh, she's coming.

Yeah, exactly. That's just. When you say we hear the scream, does it sound like it's approaching? Yes. Yes, indeed. But I will say, if you could call out and warn everybody. Just be like, she's coming. So Halcine is going to.

Luke, we got company. So put the plastic out on the couch. Halcine is going to... Luke, we got company. So, put the plastic out on the couch. Like an Italian grandmother in Philadelphia. Like a French onion dip? Oh, that'd be nice.

Some chips. Alright, Halcine casts Shatter. She does... 15 points of thunder damage against this guy. She is going to back up against this wall a little bit

near Snagathus to try to get her bearings and be ready for what's coming. Dargthor, you're up. Okay. I am going to shoot it again with the longbow. Cool. It's looking at you.

Its eyes are kind of lolling around. 16. Is that a hit? Nope. Afraid not. Boom. Okay. And you have a second attack. Now that's even lower. Okay, so I'll be you.

This Bulette is uh gonna try it's gonna move randomly so i'm gonna roll a dice to determine which direction it's going to angrily jump and dive with its mouth open and its claws uh bared all right so it is going to go back towards the rock um towards the rock. That's a par for the course. Yeah, of course. That sounds about right.

Yeah. Need you guys on the rock to do a dexterity saving throw as it smashes its face into the rock. 17. What you got, TikTok? 10. All right. Are you holding Gus or did you lay Gus TikTok? 10. All right. Are you holding Gus or did you lay Gus down?

I lay Gus at my feet. Okay. Like a cocky idiot. He stays on the rock, but you're going to go flying off. Cool. You take three points of damage. Okay. But you are now prone on the ground behind the rock

Kweep you're up how far is it right there mm-hmm okay I'm gonna chop it some more bonk bonk on the head. Yeah, exactly. Roll. And do you say anything Battle Cry-wise? Kalaka you. Yeah. I had a friend that went there. That's a 13.

13? That is a miss. It really was. I will try again. All right. 20. Not natural. That was a miss. It really was. I will try again. 20. Not natural. That was a hit though. Kalaka me.

Kalaka you. Kalaka you. Kalaka everybody. I have Kalaka. Oh. A whole 3 points of damage. And I'm going to get away. Try to going to get away. Try to get to

Tick Tock. He's going to get an attack of opportunity against you as you fly away. Is that fine with you? Sure. He's going to try to bite you as you and he's going to get you might need to remind me of your armor class because he just

rolled a 23 hits. remind me of your armor class because he just rolled a 16. 23 to hit. You should tell him it's a 24. It's a 27. Yeah. No. Alright, so he is going to do I'm sorry, that's the wrong dice. 15 plus 24

you guys watching Black Mirror new season no I don't like Black Mirror people don't like it you don't like it I think it's boring it's like what if Twilight Zone really loved itself you take 33 points

of piercing damage as this bites your legs I think I have resistance to piercing this is piercing yeah do you I think so okay so you take half Dan hates Black Mirror do you see what happened

I love three episodes of Black Mirror and I got real sleepy during another five. Yeah. So it's half? Great. Yes. So you take 16 points of piercing damage.

All righty. And you can get behind the rock, and you're not protecting? Yay. I'm protecting you, TikTok. Thank you. Your friend the robot. Your 13 points of piercing damage is Post Malone. He's got those ear gauges, doesn't he?

I don't even know what I do. He has the face tattoos. I don't know if he has the ear gauges. Some mosquito will not get off me. That's just my jokes. All right. Snagentus is unhappy about his friend being decapitated.

But he's okay. Lick, spittle. Lick, spittle. A couple of good berries. Lick, spot. What's his name? Lick, spittle. Lick, spittle. Spigle.

Kicks in a rut. Licks in a rut. Spigot. Licks a rut. I have so many questions to ask him. I have bad news about his ability to answer your questions. It'll just be a couple. All right, he's going to attempt to cast sleep on this guy. Oh, I like that. That would be...

I hope that works. This roll brought to you by Southwest After Dark. Ask for a seat in the sexit row. Flight attendants, prepare for the D. The sexit row. Alright.

The Bulette does not react. And Snaginthus looks very frustrated. Hopefully he's sleepwalking. Snaginthus. Snaginthus cries out I think this thing is

immune to things. Oh. Now you tell us. Thanks for nothing. I didn't know until I did that. You're very, very mean, Dr. Uwud. You're up. I'm going to jump down from this rock or scamper down safely, and I'm going to brace myself for whatever is coming down

the hall at us. Don't you still do moonbeam damage? Has it been more than a minute? No. It's just going to sort of follow and refocus. It's like a spotlight coming down.

I'm just going to keep it on the Bulette. Roll your damage. That is a three. All right. But yeah, I just want to brace myself for whatever's coming down the pike. Yeah. Got it. Tick tock.

I assume you'll get to your feet. I get to my feet. Can I grab Gus? Yes. Okay. I'll take your action note again i'll like reach up there and okay yeah so i will square him away in my jacket um yeah i'm not gonna let go of him again so i guess i will join these guys and just being ready never gonna give you up. All right. So. Oh, can I hand my berries to Queep?

I had berries. I had seven berries in my hand. Yeah, you did cast that. So you're gonna give those to Queep? Yeah. I'm gonna throw them at you like M&Ms. Roll your health heals. Roll my heals. He's healing you with good berries.

He gets seven. Yes, but I was considering giving them to Gus you can give Gus 1 just to wake him up alright I'll take 6 and give Gus 1 thank you this is now going to be they're kind of sweaty they were in my hand

I was really tense entering combat I'm going to need to be someone... They're kind of sweaty. They were in my hand. I was really tense. Entering combat. I'm going to need roll a dex save for Queep, Tick Tock, Dr. Ewit, and Gus. I've got Gus tucked into me now.

Can that... You'll be his dex save. Yeah, he's like... Roll your dex save, please. 19. 16. 10. All right, so you guys, you two, managed to

roll out of the way as a wall of ice. Ooh. If you can adjust the minis for me, I can't quite reach it, but it's going to hit Queep. What the fuck is happening here? You see, rising out of the darkness, what looks like an old hag in tattered robes, stalking her way up out of the depths.

She has a very tall crooked wooden staff and she has long claw-like fingers a desiccated undead looking face uh and her limbs are gangly they look almost fey-like um queep you are going to take um you are going to take uh 30 points of cold damage let's see if I have any kind of

I don't think I resist that is this your natural bird armor yeah no so what 30 you said? That's a lot. Yep, 30 cold. Good lord.

Seems like it's too much. Seems a bit much. Yeah, you have resistance to bludgeoning, piercing, and slashing from non-magical weapons. I know. So you're reducing them sweet HPs. Yep. Are you in the negative or are you still awake? I'm still alive.

All right. So can you scoot your guys to the side one way or the other? Yeah. So. That wall of ice is like flush up against the rock so it could attempt to hit all three of you. And so she is like way back in this corner. This is where we've got a pretty big battlefield at

this point uh hal seen sees what is happening and is going to attempt to run up to this thing or i'm sorry no she's gonna toss a javelin at it interesting ah but it's going to miss she's gonna go damn it wait no hmm now she would have done this instead now she would have done this instead hmm wondering if I should retcon something because I'm controlling her character

no I think it's too late she did it okay so she checked a javelin she would never throw a javelin you don't think so? never it's too bad she tried she would have gone for a ranged attack I think dark three you uh i'm

gonna do that i'm gonna fire a longbow okay i'd like to see you try uh 24 i'd like to see you try you little bitch wait what 24 that's a hit the first one cool does his thorn thing still count? Yes, it still does. Nice. The crunch of a thousand dice. 13, 16. 27. What? If you could cinematically describe what you would like to see were you to attack one of these things from behind with a hail of thorns and an arrow, what would you like this see were you to attack one of these things from behind with a hail of thorns and

an arrow. What would you like this thing to look like? Butthole, butthole, butthole. I just light up his butthole and and Butthole attack. Does it just explode from the inside? At first the anal tissue becomes

inflamed as it gets hit with the many thorns and then it begins to bulge and expand and as it begins to form a dozen hemorrhoids they all burst at once and it's anal tissue explodes outwards creating

a fountain of blood and soft pinkness that explodes backwards and it absolutely just splatters and soft pinkness that explodes backwards. And shit, there's shit too. And it absolutely just splatters against Darthur as its insides and entrails go flying towards him.

Like a Tex Avery cartoon where the cigarette explodes. Yeah, except it's a Bulette anus. TikTok looks at Darthur and goes, you remember that was her pet, right? She's coming right now. That was her emotional support anus.

It killed the... Don't touch me, I'm working. It made an ass of itself. What a prolapse in judgment that was. Dan Topher can't breathe. Creep, you're up. Oh, my God. How far away is this hag?

She's about 20 feet away. Kayla Thorns is a motherfucker if it works. Should we reset this? I guess we can. How much time do we have left? Move it. We are at 50 5-0 minutes. We're going to keep going without adjusting.

Maybe we'll readjust next game. I will shoot a crossbow. She walks just tell her 15. She walks, just tell her 15. It just sails past her. Son of a... I gotta

fly behind the rock. Fair enough. Yeah, don't blame you. I gotta protect my jingles. Protect your jingle jangles uh snagging this can barely see what's happening so he is going to attempt to do something to help his

friend and it won't work and he's gonna get real fucking sad as he hunches over uh dr ued you're up is it create neck i I mean, yeah. He's definitely like... Actually, let me see. Does he... No, I mean, we're talking some Revivify shit that he does not have and no one in your party has. He's just sort of seeing what has been done.

I'm going to cast protection from energy on myself, which is one of my new spells. Cool. I am resistant to one damage type of my choice, acid, cold, fire, lightning, or thunder. I think I'm going to pick cold.

And I'm going to, as I do that, I'm going to do a little Indiana Jones thing where the thorn whip comes out, and I'm going to do a little Indiana Jones thing where the thorn whip comes out, and I'm going to get ready to fuck some shit up. Cool. Very cool. Great. Do you want to move at all?

He fell back. Yeah, Queep totally flew to the other side of that rock out of visual range. Do you want to move any? Am I still behind this ice wall? You're not really behind it. You scooted to the side. It's next to you.

It's not protecting you or hiding you at all. Yeah, it smashed like that. Oh, okay. It was flush against the rock. I'm going to, yeah, I'll sort of try to fall behind the rock a little bit. But I got the whip out and I'm protecting myself. Adjust your mini accordingly so you're taking cover. Alright. TikTok, you're up.

By the way, emerging from the depths, you guys see this. Hag! Oh, her arms are weird. It's like, I like her. It's Mama Duke. She's a dick. Yeah, what you doing there?

I will fire a couple arrows while I fall. But actually, before I do that, I want to get one of those good berries into Gus's mouth. Just so he's at least awake. I think it's just one. I think it is. One berry equals one hit point. He's up to a hit point. While he's awake, I'm going to

travel back and fall back with these guys. Can I still shoot? Can I still attack? How much are you moving it would be to where with the doctor okay so he's taking a picture with the mini right now fucking posing so let's put her back where she is i apologize egg selfie she's here uh actually no she's like over there so float her i guess but i would go like one, two, three. Okay. But you do not have an action. I don't think you've already used it to heal your pseudo friends. So while I'm falling back and giving that to him, I'm thinking to him,

you need to get back. You need to like, you don't leave, but get out of here. Cool. Could somebody help me with my cart? I think this parking lot is going to need a person. This is actually my smoke break right now, ma'am.

That's going to kill you, that smoking. Yeah, that's what they keep telling me, but I just love them. My grandson is vaping now, and whenever he breathes, it sounds like a Saab Turbo. All right, I'm putting my earbuds back. So she is going to take her staff, may I, Brian? Oh, boy. And ride upon it, flying through the air. Like a witch.

She is going to be right about here. And she is going to cast Cone of Cold on Dr. Uwud and Tick Tock. Good golly. So this is going to be a Constitution saving throw from each of you. But I have

protection and resistance. So you're going to take half damage if you miss the saving throw? Okay. If you make it, you will, I believe, not take damage. Constitution? Constitution saving throw, please. 20. 12.

All right, so you make it. You're going to resist. However, Tick Tock, you are taking some cold damage. Do you want some NyQuil? Yeah. You taking another picture there, Ken? You want my finger in there for

scale, Ken? Would that help? You're going to take 26 points of cold damage. That's a lot. 26, you say? Yes, sir. Yeah. You awake? Yes.

These things are powerful. Not that it's any of your business, Dan. And there, I think we're going to pause. Until next time. Hey, Sam, Sam. Hi, guys. All right. Episode 25.

Okay. I'm up to date. Thanks, Dan. The monster is out of the ground. It looks like something from the Savage Land and the X-Men comics. Queep's going to shoot out its eye during the break. Everyone talked about how nice Keanu Reeves is, and it really made me feel good inside.

I love him so much. Doctor Who is going to moonbeam. TikTok's using arrows. Dark Throat's using range weapons. We're just poking this thing. And it ripped off somebody's head. And it smashed into the rocks and knocked us down. If TikTok is hurt, I will kill myself.

An ice wall just popped up, and with it, a creepy lady, and Dark Thir blew up something anus first, and oh shit, this woman is a witch. Thank you, Sam. Hey, Sam. And also, just like sincerely, I just want to see the reaction in your eyes when I say this. This weird witch of ice did like almost frost tick tock to death.

I don't care for this. I'll quit right now. This can be our last show, man. Keep pushing me. Thanks to our Patreon sponsors always. And thanks to our other listeners. Thanks for listening.

Thanks for listening. Inflatable. Thanks for listening. Thanks for listening. Thanks for listening to another episode of Nerd Poker. You can follow us at patreon.com slash nerdpoker, and you get bonus episodes from there. And you can also send us anything at P.O. Box 16069, Encino, California, 91416. Thanks for listening.