Nerd Poker - Episode 26 - Cosmic Crunk

Episode Date: August 8, 2018

If you enjoyed Twee's drug trip to outer space last episode, the whole crew is now focused on getting to this strange being in the sky and figuring out how to stop the moon she's on from crashing. But no quest has ever challenged our party quite the way that "retrieving horses they already own" does. Special thanks to artist Dani Hartel for her drawing of Jnrei D'Nah, which thoroughly spooks the party this episode!

Hey everybody, I'm Brian Poussaint Comedian, writer, actor, nerd. I've been playing D&D with my friends for a long time. I decided to do a new podcast where we play Dungeons & Dragons in my very own dining room. With my wife, kid, and my noisy dogs. So meet my friends... Sarah Ken Sam

Lee Now it's time for another episode of Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker Season 2. Hey, everybody. Wow, that was some energy. Did you use all of it? Yeah, I'm done. It's Brian Poussaint. You're listening to Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker.

My friends are here. Hi, friends. Hi. Hi, Brian. Sarah, nerd poker. My friends are here. Hi, friends. Hi, Brian. Sarah, Ken, Dan, Blaine. Hi. And Sam. Hi, Sam. Hi, Sam.

And guess what? We've got Patreon people with names like Christopher DeStefano. Thanks, Chris. Eric Maughan. Thanks, Chris. Eric Maughan. Thanks, Eric. Todd Rollins. These are a bunch of human names. And get ready for some non-human names.

Thank you, Ninja Slippers. Hi, Ninja Slippers. I'm going to cut you in... whoops! And thank you, R2 Shih Tzu. And thank you, Pa Mommy's Weenus. What? I don't know. Okay.

Pa Mommy's Weenus. Pa Mommy's Weenus. Is that a reference to something you've done, Brian? You're soaking in it. Pa Mommy Weenus. You guys just did a little drug trip vision quest. You're all holed up in the town of tenchal and uh you decided you were gonna chew on some crazy tree bark from the moon or some shit uh that was summoned in a now collapsed college so now i'm just like yeah shuddering in a hotel

bathtub is that what's going on? Pretty much. So yeah, you woke up. Freaking out about the helicopters. Everything turned into helicopters. Yeah, you woke up and you were feeling real goofy. I'm going to go have an omelet. I guess we ended on a bit of a cliffhanger.

You just had your vision quest and communed with someone named Jin Radena. Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys. Yeah? Yes? Hold my hair. Horror. How much of this do you want to recall? I mean, you don't have to give everyone a play-by-play deliberately,

but I would say with Dessa in the room, Master Magnus, the unwilling lich, and Master Jendi, the other lich, and Master Jendi, the other wizard from the town of Gostel, you might want to choose your words carefully, but everyone is kind of gathered around Typha's like, hey, do you need like a little nip of the thing that bit you kind of

sitch? Do you need some hydration? How you doing? Water. Oh, God, yes! Why did I drink vitamin water? Can I have regular water, please? Sure, here's some water. Oh, God, thanks.

Why would I drink vitamin water? Yeah, what do you want to tell the company? It's the worst. What do you want to tell the company? This is a sigh. You think it's antioxidant, but it just tastes terrible, and it tastes in your mouth for hours. Tweet us bits for a while.

Guys, I went to this place. I went to another dimension. Another dimension. Another dimension. Yeah, I'm listening. I'm listening. I'm listening. I met this voice named Jen Radna.

It's Zenzurina, you guys. It's totally Zenzurina. Dessa's just turning bright pink right now What's your problem? She's gritting her teeth Are you jealous? Jealous much? I mean I guess you communed with something Congratulations

Hey watch this I'm going to take another piece of the bark And just shove it in my mouth Are you really? Yeah Constitution check. Wait, I got to give you a serious credit.

This is like... Seven. Tweeting. All right, so that's a five. Why? Happened right away. Do a wisdom check. I mean, it's actually probably good.

He should have more questions. 17. He can ask as he goes. All right, so you are going to retain a lot more sentience this time. 17, did you add your bonus? You get a plus two wisdom bonus. It's a 19.

Yeah, yeah. All right, so like an insane biker at a roadside bar who's trying to drink a whole bottle of tequila on a dare, you just sort of see me uh dematerializing my robe just falls to the floor yeah but you lean forward and you just shove this in your mouth and right before you black out you hear master jendy go you're a dumb motherfucker and then you just kind of like whatever you're not my real dad um so yeah i told you at the beginning i was just taking a half this time you feel dizzy uh you begin you took half of the first time yeah i told you at the beginning i was just taking a half this time you feel dizzy uh you

begin you took half of the first time yeah yeah just you know but but now you're taking yeah yeah uh and uh now you feel dizzy uh and you feel like it's because you decided to trip two times in a row and that that's gonna leave you and didn't have... Didn't have a cream soda? No, he didn't. Water only got you so far. However, this time things come into focus better. Okay. And after a little bit of nausea and vertigo that doesn't completely go away, you're able to blink some of the fogginess out of your eyes

and you see thick dust and gravel and weird tall mushroom groves growing out of the ground and uh you you look up and you see uh just a thick thick rich black sky okay that's good uh-huh hey uh look down and um you're wearing uh just a simple you know tunic that's it and uh sure great your your robe is gone and you don't have any magical items on you all right that's fine jen hey jen you hear uh in the distance some crunching hey hi it's me it's me, back. You think you see through the mushroom groves something kind of going like like a spider

monkey going between the groves. Okay. And then you hear a woo-woo. And it kind of hovers off one of them and it starts floating towards you. And you see this. I didn't think you'd get the role.

You see what appears to be a weird, creepy, magical drow child of some kind. It's got violet skin. Oh. That looks bad uh and uh she goes long time no see how you doing good thanks thanks for asking how you been i've been great i've been great you're here to help me out then huh made a good pitch last time uh i just came up here. I thought I left my phone up here.

I just was missing my phone. It seems like you want to hang out some more. Hey, I just was wondering if I wanted to send some friends up here, how would I get my friends up here? Well, that's tough. I mean, you could all, you know, vision quest it like you've been doing.

You seem like vision quests. You into this sort of thing? No. Well, you know you know vision quest it like you've been doing you seem like vision quests you into this sort of thing no well you know not not in a while all right where i'm from man i mean this is this is just the tip of the iceberg i mean you'd love it we do some fun stuff uh you want to bring friends up here i mean i guess you can bring friends up here i'd hate for you to strand them here or something that means it's real tricky traveling here. I mean, getting your rest, getting your physical forms here must be real hard, but I'm sure someone like you who knows magic and you got those wonderful

pointy ears. I'm sure someone like you, you could, you could manage your way up here. There's gotta be tricks. I mean, things are a little different these days around these parts. You know,

we got these towers. They're coming back. It's been a few, been a few centuries since we had towers, but they're back again. How are you building the towers? I didn't have to build them. You got these weird kids.

They're just making the towers come to me. It's wonderful. It's wonderful. There's just these towers all of a sudden. What are they going to do when they get up there? I mean, I don't know. I don't know. It's hard to remember.

It's been a long time. But I think what's going to happen is something crazy. So, I mean, you can visit. You can do whatever. I don't care. Whatever, whatever. But I got to tell you, I don't trust a lot of people. I feel like I can trust you.

Yeah. You came back here right away like you're not afraid of me. So many people are so careful around me. Not me. I'm not careful. No? No. It's not my thing. I'll make a deal with you. What's that sound? What's your deal? And she holds her hand out

and I'll show you her picture again. You notice her fingers are like claws there's something a little unnatural about it so she holds her hand out in this dark violet skin like hook horror kind of hand not like hook horror

but like no fingernails just long kind of grinch fingers except instead of furry pointy tufts they're claws and she says see this little claw just let me touch fingertips with you you won-hmm let me just let me touch fingertips with you you won't you won't feel a thing just let me touch it for one second and what you can do

is you can talk to me whenever you want without having to trip really yeah and uh is this gonna cost me anything is this gonna damage me is this to be some sort of weird conduit for you to get in here and fuck my friends up or what's the deal? Well, I mean it would be a conduit for me but I don't have any ulterior motives. I just want to be alive again. I don't know if

I don't know if I want to if I want this app. She said, I'll tell you what. You think I'll... You come visit me again sometime. What, in about 10 minutes? Yeah, sure. All right, cool.

She takes a second and hovers back a little bit. Again, she's floating like two, three feet off the ground. You realize she's small. She looks younger than Dessa. And she kind of just like, man, you seem real calm. What are you trying to do here? You're trying to destroy me?

No. You can't destroy me. Do you know how old I am? I'm very old. I'm older than your gods. I'm not afraid of you well you look great thank you yeah it's nice isn't it but uh yeah i'm not here to destroy you okay yeah where's my she holds her hand out she says all i'm saying man if you like to do

that you know a little bit of cha a little bit of fun times two mups this is gonna cut out the middle man that's all I'm saying that's all I'm saying I'll make you a deal you do this you'll never hear from me again unless you call out to me I'm not gonna show up

you know what let me talk to my wife she goes you're one of those huh You know what? Let me talk to my wife. She goes, you're one of those, huh? Yeah. All right. See you around, sucker. And you're back on the beanbag. Oh, my head.

Guys, guys, guys. She tried to sell me Verizon. Again, you've told nothing to the group yet. And so this time, when he goes out, the rest of you, Master Jendi and Master Magnus both just kind of like shake their heads. They're like your friend twee is really stupid um and um master jendy uh grabs the the magical uh rope that you've sort of bound to dessa with and straight up hauls her out of the room while dessa curses and screams and the three of you notice while he is still out like uh the jendy is just like no bones about it making sure dessa is not in the room when Tui comes back. And you don't even need to ask. It's just clear.

Like that was, that was too tense. And there needs to be more room to talk because Jendi is just pissed. And then Master Magnus tells you three, we need to talk to Tui before he does so many drugs he gets himself killed. So I don't know what you guys have planned here, but Tui seems off the hook. I don't really trust him anymore. And I don't know if he's got a death wish or what.

Who says this, Jendi? Magnus. Jendi seems to be on the same page, though. So both the wizards are kind of just like what the fuck is up with twee and then that's when twee snaps back after oh hey hi and master magnus is just like having fun man you don't know the half of it uh how much do you want to say with him in the room? Do you want to tell them everything? You know what?

I would just like... Can I have five minutes? Check my messages with my friends? All right. I get it. I could be some sort of servant, whatever. And he goes into the room where Jendi left. Guys, guys, guys, guys. So you catch him up. They get but then what uh what do you think what do you guys think so you tell us everything unless i mean i i for narrative purposes didn't

feel like kicking and then she wanted to touch my finger she had these like fingers that were like fingers but they were like nails but they weren't like fingers they were so creepy so she likes the fact that you're an elf you didn't do that. So she likes the fact that you're an elf. I think it's smart that you didn't do that. And she likes the fact that you're an elf. She likes the fact that I'm an elf. She has a thing for elves. I'm just trying to figure out if there's what she's talking about

with these towers. Like how we can get into these towers. Everybody roll an Arcana check. And when that conversation comes up, the DM might have your characters remember something unless you want to say something yourself. I assumed it was the towers from here, right? Yeah.

12. Did anybody with their bonus break a 20, basically? Oh, holy shit. I sure did. I got 21. Okay. So somehow Bodhi follows almost all of this logic. But you realize, yeah,

they're basically... What are you saying? Zinzerina, aka Jyn Radina, was like implying the other half of the tendrils existed where she was. Right. You all get a very strong sense that the planets attached to the moon

do these weird magical things. And it was Dessa's dumbass friends who did it for her. And Zinzerina doesn't even know why. And you do think that they are contracting somehow and drawing the moon into the planet. And I would say,

just because you got over a 20, that you would think, just for a second, just a little ember of an idea because you've already brought it up and it's on your mind. There's got to be a way to travel inside these things. Or to separate them. Inside these 10. So, you know.

Oh, okay. Gotcha. Now there's like these weird fungal. To use it like a glass elevator like we've been talking about. Exactly. Like you've been talking. You get the sense that that is indeed possible. Yeah, we want to send something up inside them and then just

sever them, probably. Okay. Something to kill Zinzerina and then send the moon away? Well, I think Zinzerina will just continue to exist. You know. The cloak. Something with the cloak. What do we do with the cloak?

Let's just forget about it. Let's just like sidebar it. I don't know. Which one of you knew more than I did? Had it all figured out? Somebody figure it out. Yeah, I mean it seems like if our job is to stop the moon from crashing into the planet which you guys before you met me apparently knew was gonna happen then we just need to next step would be to look inside these

towers mm-hmm so everything from Blaine Have we covered everything that he learned? I think so. Unless Blaine thinks of something else that he thinks. Well, we were all listening. I'm just trying to. Yeah, but were you trying to get something out of her, especially that second time? I was trying to see if she was waiting for something

to connect to the moon, or if there was some way to get up to where she was that we could all confront her without having to bring her down. Do a straight up perception roll, please. And don't forget your bonus. These are valuable numbers. You have a very big perception bonus if I'm not mistaken.

9 plus 6, so 15. Great. So you piece together that she was far more interested in you than the towers. So that she can use me to go down through my crazy fingertip. You know what you got with that 15? She almost reminded you of like vampires you met or just otherworldly beings. So she wants to take them over.

You were reminded of all the rambling Dessa was doing. And you were like I feel like she's trying to make some kind of pact I don't know what it is but I would say you'd also kind of piece together like this is a dead god

or an exile and something feels you feel like you're still kind of like missing a piece of the puzzle as far as what the what's the deity sitch here uh let's get a monster magnet back in here okay and uh i'm gonna put my uh towel around me and uh i'm gonna take this drow globe and uh have him do a detect magic or a or an identify on it if I can. Well, you unfortunately sapped all his identifiers for the day,

but Jendi says she can help you out if you bring her, assuming you bring them all back in. Yeah? Yeah, yeah. Or just monster magnet. Let's do it. I also want to ask them where the nearest tower is. All right, so once everybody comes in there back in

yeah she casts identify on it and she says man, I don't know what to tell you other than this is a magical map of the moon and you have to spend more time with it. I mean, I guess if you study it you know, like

resting, studying, like patiently looking at stuff it will help but I this looks like it was designed by somebody who's maybe been there or observed it in a way that I've never observed it and you when you ask where the nearest town is they they say Gantham. If you guys head a little more east, you can get to Gantham, and that's not a bad idea because with that mercenary that we just bugged recently, we've increased the tension here with Dessa possessing somebody

and having them chew up a guard. That's increasing tension here. We don't really have a lot of time to hang out here in Tenshal. We might want to just, even if Gantham's got a giant horrifying thing growing out of it, we might want to skip town. Gantham's not a city we've been to, right? Correct. It's one of the colleges that got taken.

In the two weeks that you've been gone, yeah. So you think this is going to be sort of a nightmare college situation, but it's close. Well, that makes sense at least that we're going to a place we haven't been yet. And Dessa says, if you guys take me with you, I'll help you out. Shut up. Do you tell her shut up? No.

Hey, Tweed, do you want to talk to Des about what she experienced when she was talking to, maybe compared notes on the conversations you guys had? Yeah, I mean, how much do you want to play your, I want you to be specific what you say and don't say. Yeah, I'm not going to decide that for you. I just thought maybe you might want to, some conversations you had. I mean, she knows you had it. Why was she so jealous's so jealous very curious yeah like uh okay let's go into that uh uh the police room with the metal table all right i'll roll my sleeves up turn the chair around she goes what what what hey how was prom it was fine yeah yeah did uh uh did uh steve get off work early and pick

you up or did you walk over to steve's yeah he picked me up all right hey uh uh i went uh into exile with your friend jen and when you use that name she gets really pink she's she's not happy with it why you don't like me talking about you don't deserve to use that name ah why we're friends you don't you're not her friend we're total you're not looking out for her you're manipulating her you're gonna you're gonna try how can i manipulate you try and kill her or something you don't understand how can i kill her how can i kill her? How can I kill her or manipulate her? Roll a 20. What do you think she could do?

15. That's without your bonus? What, my perception? Persuasion. Or my persuasion. Plus six, so 21. She's a cosmic being from somewhere far, far you can't kill her sure she doesn't live in forms she lives in cycles she lives in time not in places who's telling you this dessa oh right i feel like i'm hanging out with my dealer. Yeah, she says you can't kill her.

But she doesn't want any of that. She doesn't want her current situation. She wants to be a god here again or a person here again. And if you don't give her what she wants, she's going to be this crazy, destructive god. And if you do give her what she wants, maybe she'll just be a person. How can we make her a person? You give her a material form, dumbass.

That's what she's been trying to do. Dumb fuck. Been trying to just give her a form so she'll just be a person and hang out and smoke weed. Yeah, but she wants to take somebody over. That doesn't... But that's because no one will give it. Why do you think she was Zinzerina, a drow goddess,

hundreds of years ago, murdering people because no one would give her a human form? Because all that she did was she got an invitation from Loth, an evil drow goddess. LOLs. And it didn't work. And by opening that gateway to a goddess coming to the earth, it didn't work because she got jealous and she banished her.

But if you just offer her physical form, she'll just goof around and smoke weed and shit. Yeah. Okay. Dummy. but if you just offer a physical form she'll just goof around and smoke weed and shit yeah okay dummy dumb fuck stupid half-orc motherfucker she's really i ain't afraid of you motherfucker you want to fucking go she's like looking way over the metal table I wouldn't mind if you injured her Looking past Tui and she's like I dare you to lay a finger on me Did Zinzerina lay a finger on you? I never got a clear enough vision

Sounds like Blaine did Sounds like Tui totally did He did it twice She is so pissed off right now Sounds like he had a really good time You're totally lowering Tui totally did. He did it twice. She is so pissed off right now. He sounds like a fan. Sounds like he had a really good time. Made sort of a connection. You're totally lowering the difficulty

of if you need to ask her any questions because of how pissed off she is right now. Is that good or bad? It depends if you're trying to get any more information out of her. She's very vulnerable. You can tell. What did she want you to do

in order to have this exchange? She wanted me to either be physically present You can tell. So what was, so what was, what did she want you to do to, in order to have this exchange? She wanted me to either be physically present with her in her, in her banishment or to get a clear enough vision where I can materialize in front of her. Ah, she doesn't have a very good wisdom stat. Oh,

okay. Explains the red hat. Moving on. Okay. Again, she's leaving herself wide open, but that's because you just pushed so many buttons in a row. So right now, if one of you says something

and rolls well, what else do we want to know? I know no one knows what to say. I don't know. Sarah, you're the smart one. Well, it seems like she was... Tui was going to get... I'm saying this at the table. I'm not listening. I'm not here. It seems like she was, Tui was going to get this. I'm saying this at the table, not in the,

I'm not listening. I'm not here. It seems like if she couldn't get a clear enough vision, Tui could have totally just let her take his body right then. Right. Because he was clear enough to her and she could see him enough. So yeah. So I don't,

but the problem here is that none of us know what exactly, other than stopping the only goal that we really have is to stop the moon from crashing and that so if that's our only goal and just setting aside all the zinzerina stuff you know right but we can't allow her to take a human form i think i shove a piece of bark in my mouth. I was about to say, you need to jump on board. Here's my towel. I'm a half. Dessa gets really flushed.

She's like, man, these people piss me off so much. I feel like they're really grilling me. I don't know what the point of this interrogation is, but I offered to help them. I don't know why they're being such a dick. And right as she's about to say something, you just reach across and grab the acorn thing that's still left.

How much of it do you break off? Like, whatever I saw him do it. All right, roll 20 twice. Any message for Zinzerina? That's all she gets. No, I'm asking her. You're not doing it in a voice though

you got any messages from Cesarina fuck these people up I hate them what was your first roll 13 so far great

alright so you won't you're gonna be in pretty good shape and then roll your wisdom I did 20 whoa is that with the bonus well oh with my bonus I don't know that I rolled my second you're going to be in pretty good shape and then roll your wisdom. I did 20.

Is there a wisdom bonus? With my bonus? I don't know that. You don't have a wisdom bonus. You have a 10. Still, holy shit! Cut to Tweet looking at camera going, by about that time, the Duke boys had had enough. So yeah, all of a sudden, you guys notice Esmeralda's eyes

go super black and creepy. And you did not, you just reached across. I thought it'd be funnier if I did it that way. But now I regret that we didn't talk about what I should ask. You rolled high on your constitution so you don't crack your jaw on the side of a furniture. But you guys do kind of notice her dramatically reach across, bite off half an acorn and smirk as she falls into a clump on the floor and her eyes get very black and glossed over you go through a wind tunnel all of a sudden and everything very

michelle gondry just flies by your vision um and bamf uh you are in what looks like a quarry with big uh sort of stalks of yellow mushroom fungus growing out of the ground. I look to the sky and I scan the horizon looking for... It looks like outer space and blackness. Right. And you just hear kind of whistling noises. Okay. I can't see any planets or stars in the sky at all.

Roll a 20. 15. Great. at all roll 20 great so you see you think you see in the distance one kind of like kind of looks like one of the towers just turn off your fucking series son of a this Cortana I'm sorry you have the Android the socks Isn't that the Microsoft? I don't know But they call it Cortana? Isn't that from Halo? They just call it Google

No, but for Microsoft phones they do call it Cortana They ripped off the Halo name Well no, it is Microsoft They own it It's Cortana's voice too Really? That's fucking cool It's like getting a Windows too Really? That's fucking cool Like in a Windows phone Oh my god listeners Brian just took his iPhone

And threw it in his pool That's crazy You see a tower in the distance You see a sort of fuzzy Thin thread in the distance I guess I'll start walking towards the tower Start walking You hear Off to your right.

Hello? You don't hear a response. Okay. I keep walking. All right. You feel like you're not getting much closer. It seems really far away. Is anybody out there?

You hear a... It feels like you hear like... Saw that one coming like some crunching noises maybe getting a little closer okay I just like absently like rub my ears you hear hello you're looking for something

look out Sandy dick oh no hi and you see Look out, Sandy Dick. Oh, no. Hi. And you see, did you get a good look at the image? No, I didn't see it before. All right, so you see what looks like a teenage violet drow with weird claw fingers and a strange robe. Claw feet?

Yeah, hovering above you. It's like 10 feet above you. This is higher than how Tui described it. She seems like she's adopting perhaps a little more of a predatory stance. I mean, we were buds. I know. I heard. Well, you didn't seem interested in her right away.

So she seems a little more coy. And she's like, what do you want? What are you looking for? What's going on here? I'm friends with Twee, who you met. He's still recovering. Where is he? Well, yeah, it was a tough trip.

It's a long journey up here. He's jet lagged. It's not that long. This is like an avatar-like representation call it like a an avatar like representation of where i really am you know this isn't you're not physically here right now oh well yeah you're inside your mind projecting as much of where i am as your brain can muster but it's only so much oh okay that makes sense that makes sense i guess i didn't really understand any of how that worked at all i mean you seem curious so i'm telling you. Yeah, I appreciate it. That's why I'm here.

I wanted to hear more about your deal. My deal is I'm just trying to be born again. You want to be born again into a body? Yeah, that sounds great. Ask her if she can get Eagles tickets. A body on our planet in our time? Yeah. Yeah.

Is that any particular reason now and not before? I'm just so bored up here. It's been a while. It has. It's been a long time. Yeah. I miss having, you know, like a game to play. You know what I'm saying?

Yeah. Games are fun. Yeah. Yeah. So do you have like a body preference or are you just sort of gonna wing it with whatever works i just feel like i have a connection more to certain bodies than others yeah bodies are weird they're they're they're these forms that just happen they're such wonderful coincidences and i just like when the coincidences line up just so

so what kind of coincidence coincidence have you found your body if i'd found my body i wouldn't be here oh i didn't know if there's something you had to do you know to make it happen i need someone here with me not like the way you are right now but i can help you get here right if you want me to help you get here i understand uh so you you need somebody to come here and then you can take their body take is a harsh word it's more of a partnership i'm looking for would they stay in it or are they just done when it's over no they would stay in it okay so it'd be a shared kind of situation yeah i would just like to share more of the wheel than most people are really willing to.

You know what I'm saying? It's just like everyone's got their own journey, and I have my own journey, and you have yours, and you've already had a journey, and I just want to express more than you will for like at least a little while. That makes sense. That makes sense. And what was great was like, you know, like I found this one person who seemed to not care about that part at all. Yeah.

They were just willing to sort of give it all, let Jesus take the wheel. Yeah, which was super generous. And I tried to let her know that. And she was like grateful that I let her know that. And it seemed like we had an agreement. And I don't understand why you guys are showing up all of a sudden. It's fine,

but I'm just curious why it's you guys and not the people who I've been hanging out with. Cause you guys seem to have a lot of questions that are like a little, I mean, I'm not, yeah, I mean, I'm not trying to like say anything about those other people at all. It's just that

I think you, from what I understand, are very old, very wise, and seems like you'd probably want a body that had a little bit more curiosity built in. I see what you're saying. Yeah, yeah. It feels like that'd be a better fit.

But we're just trying to you know look i'm just a scholar i'm just interested in this stuff all right well i i'll tell you this much you know it's i'm very generous so i've heard that whoever yeah she goes oh thank you i'm glad the word is out i will give so much back i will let you drive sometimes. And when you drive, you'll be able to do things you could never do without me. Like what kind of things?

Well, what do you regret? That's a very personal question. Well, maybe we don't know each other well enough yet, but that's something that I could help you take care of. Do you think you could help me if I wanted to become a more powerful person in my world?

I mean, of course. Yeah. Yeah. Is that what you want? Yeah. Do you have any, I mean, Sarah came back weird. I'm just trying to um uh like what what is your agenda

once we get there i mean like once we go back to the world i mean i'll be perfectly honest with you if you were to get here it's not going to be as quiet as it is right for you right now I'm kind of like in real exile right now it's just you and me here and some basic visual representations of where I am if you were to actually come here I'm kind of being what they call tortured I'm kind of like being what they call guarded there's just all these bodies around me right now that are kind of like putting me through um I don't know how to put it just like like agony like kind of like i'm in this weird cosmic hell up here and i'm just trying to get out of this hell do you know what i'm saying and i don't want to i don't want to like have to

unleash it but there's like some real evil things up here like causing me violence and i would like to bring violence uh to them not you not your world but just enough to break free of that because i just can't take that anymore right that see that is the i mean that makes more sense than anything i've heard about you or any of this really up until this point because i have to i have to be honest that the word on the planet is that you are kind of maybe a little scary and that you may have sort of more nefarious motives than just wanting to live again. And I think that might be some of the hesitation that you've gotten,

maybe some of the reason that people haven't come back when they've said they would. And maybe all I need is a mortal mind to help steer me in the right direction. Like a compass. Yeah, that makes sense. If only someone would hand over a compass to me. I just feel so lost and confused up here.

If someone could just bring me a compass. And on that note. Tell me about Lolth. She goes, she's a drow goddess who controls everything. You'll never stop her. She's half of a spider and she lives underground. And then you come back into the room and your neck hurts really bad because you fell in a clump. But your dehydrated Typha walks over, offers you some acai berry.

Thank you. Hey, hey, hey, hey. That was a little rash. I thought you were the smart one. What the fuck was that? Well, I figured time was running short here with the whole moon crashing and the stuff. So then I filled them in on what happened. And yeah, you know, you...

Crazy, right? Including Dessa, by the way. I want to make sure dessa does really yeah yeah i want her to hear this too so uh when you tell dessa what happened she she gets even more huffy like you feel like she's gonna just have a heart attack and she's just like it's like i'm telling you i've been trying to tell you just trying to bring her a moral compass. That's all I'm trying to do. It seems very simple. She's willing to become mortal again. And part of why I had friends helping me was so like I would have,

I was going to have spells cast on me. So I would, I would not be able to cast spells on my own anymore. I would be like, I would be like completely harmless. I would be, I would be just like a null neutral form for her. But you guys are making this so... I mean, sure

I might have been helping an apocalypse death cult bring tendrils to the moon and crash it in the air, but that was an accident. That's because my friends had ulterior motives. It's not... Well, I, for one, found her very convincing. So now I think that maybe we should just let her

have a body really is what i say to dessa okay she says um and i say that body should be lenny kravitz she's like i know i haven't had the best luck but if if that's really how you feel if you want to just if you want to just uh let me have the other half of that thing you just tore in half. I feel like I could just give my... If I got lucky, if the timing was right. Is Dessa saying this? Dessa is saying this. Should we all just trip?

Well, she'll actually do the finger touchy touch. Roll a 20 dice brain pretty low what would it be for plus one for religion just a four static I want to hold on to that card though yeah

and she says look like I I just want to make this work I mean I don't know what we got to do what we got to do Master Magnus says do not give her more drugs no we're not going to give her more I'm against that too

he's like there might be another solution here but I do think if we're going to head to Gant them we should get the hell out of tenchal yeah let's do it and desa as you guys make it to the front door says I have to I have to go to the bathroom. Go ahead. When you guys let me go in the alley over here.

Go to the bathroom real quick. Can somebody go with her? Yeah, you're going. So can a lady please go with me? Oh, okay, I go with her. Either you or Jendi or Typha. Typha. Okay, so you go into the alley with her and um you know there's a there's like a sewer grate and uh some some stacked up wooden pallets and she says uh i'm

gonna just go behind these wooden pallets i don't think that's necessary just can you just all got the same parts she just kind of like you just uh can you just like look've all got the same parts. She just goes like... Can you just look away for a second? She just gets really like... She wants me to look away? No, I just pour out a little water. That usually helps. Okay. You see her move one of her arms up

and start spinning one of her fingers. Oh, I thought we had her... Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I tackle her. You've got her... Okay. Do an athletics check.

Hey, am I nearby? No. She's around the corner. No, but I said all three girls go. Oh, did you? I did. I missed that. Okay.

I would advise Tyson to go. All right. So I'm going to say we're going to do a quick retcon of what I thought was happening because that makes sense. And right, like you- Yeah, yeah. I'm sorry. I was looking at-

Typhoon Jendi. Yeah. So, okay. So all three of you, and I'm going to say that the other two were saying the same thing as you. I mean, they're like, yeah, no, no, no, but like whatever. And when you start pouring water, it's like... So, what'd you roll?

14. I mean, 14 total. Right as you tackle her, you get a... Jendi and Typha both don't know what to do. You're the only one tackling her. You hear a little... above your head, and you see this black form kind of

hovering and you knock her to the ground and you look over your shoulder and you see what looks like a black bird just flapping its wings. What do you do? It's her familiar, right?

Yeah, a raven. What are they doing? it's her familiar right yeah a raven um what are they doing that's so familiar uh they're like oh shit and uh jendy is reaching for what looks like a wand on her belt and taifa is reaching for something in her bag one okay so i i call out to the rest of the guys like i'm like she called a familiar and then uh what do you guys do you hear from the alley? She called us? I come running around. All right, you guys come around and Before You can get there. The the Raven is like already like shooting off in the sky, um, I cast

It's gonna get like a solid 40 feet away before you can cast. So it's gotta be a spell that's got that kind of distance. Okay. You are pinning her to the ground, so it's not as simple as just using another action in the same round. What's she doing? She's probably sending a message to somebody, but we killed her stupid friend, so...

Um, okay, I cast, um... probably sending a message to somebody but we killed her stupid friends so um okay i cast um melf's acid arrow at the crow oh hell yeah what acid arrow melf's a classic melf's yeah it's a dnd it is i love it uh okay elves like to fuck only because it has a 90 foot range so yeah yeah it's a really good one so um on hit, target takes 44 acid damage immediately. And 2d4 acid. You should obliterate the crow. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a melf.

A mom elf I'd like to fuck. It's a mom elf. Don't ruin Melf's acid arrow. I'm afraid it made a saving throw. What? The crow made a saving throw? Raven? Whatever. I'll cast an made a saving throw. What? The crow made a saving throw? Raven? Whatever.

I'll cast an Eldritch Blast at it. Go for it. I wanted that to work. I know. What a disappointing beginning to my first to second level spell. Well, you see this acid bolt kind of materialize in purple flame and just kind of zaps right under this thing's wing. And miss a bird.

Yeah. I mean, it's anticlimactic. I know. I know. All right. So this has also got amazing. What did you roll? I hit it for five.

It did not make a saving throw. So the Eldritch Blast hits it, and it does not die, but you fucking beat the shit out of this thing. I'm firing a crossbow bolt at it right after that. Okay. Roll 20. Yep. It's a hit roll for damage you know when Brian's rolling up dice like this, it sure is powerful thirsty rolling. That's when I reach for a cold frosty bottle of BF Goodwater.

I can't hear you because Blaine's bit so loud in the microphone. What did you say? I was wondering if I have a plus on my crossbow. It doesn't look like oh no i'm afraid not just a two okay so it's not it you see this thing look like it's got a broken wing kind of like go fire another one be of good water that's good water that one that hits two right uh 13. Oh, seven on that. Okay. Okay.

So you see this thing go out of the sky finally, and Dessa is extra pissed off. Good. Did I kill your bird? It just goes like this. Hmm. On the next side-eye! Maybe it's time that she found out some of the secrets.

Jendi goes to try to tie her arm up again and can't get a hold of her. When you went to go cast your spell, you just kind of like left her pinned but unrestrained enough. Her arms were getting kind of free and I have rope.

Okay. However you hear another above you guys and a different kind of black form appears this time. What is it? It looks like sort of like a tear in space. It just looks like a sort of like hollow black emptiness

with wings and like a body in the middle of it. It's not quite a raven. It's almost like you can see like outer space in it. Where's that place we want to go? Don't know the other town we want to head to? Gantham? Gantham. Yeah. Bodhi's sick of this kid's

shit. And he just knocks her out. Okay. I just hit Dessa pretty hard in the head. Roll a strength check. Welcome to my world. Jesus Christ. Yeah, she loses a tooth

as you just crunch her. You guys notice, and especially you, Esmeralda, this thing that looks like a bat made of a tear in space and time is just kind of hovering, and it looks like it's hovering kind of over your shoulder towards the brick cobblestone wall

right next to you in the alley. When he knocks her out, it doesn't do anything to the phone? Doesn't disappear? No. Can you dispel magic on that, or what? Yeah. Do you still have it, or did you spend your dispel magic that you have you did use to spell magic yeah yeah yes I did I didn't if I was a cantrip can I can I look at my little drow orb and see if there's any like little sparks or lights

or not helping you right now I'm getting away looking a lot like a map right now i'm getting away from this thing okay close to me how close is it it's like six inches over your shoulder oh like like it it appeared like right over you and now it's kind of like if i move is it moving with me uh no but it does look like it's almost like an animal like moving towards this wall behind you let Let's just get out of here. I feel like we should do something about this thing. You see it kind of land against the wall and start to disappear. I swing my green sword at it with the water stuff. We'll say it disappeared.

All right, roll a 20. It's Starglo. Nine. What's your strength bonus, though? Um, my strength bonus is two. Oh, okay. That's a hit. So, uh, you're going to want to roll...

Yeah, I don't know what this sword does. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's, uh, based off of this. Hey, uh, what's this, uh, stat check brought to you when I get home after a long day in the Jeep there's only one thing that I I can think of as a bill mouthful good water Good water. BF good water.

That's good water. Please roll 2d6. BF good water. No longer associated with BFF good water. Five total. All right. So you get this strange charge as you hit um so you do five damage but also the for just a second as your sword connects with this thing it turns uh shiny black and you're not sure what that means but it gets shiny and black as the sword just

goes clank right into the wall right where this thing is and uh this thing kind of like buzzes and pulls out of the wall and starts to fly over your head again it looks like a bat made of a tear in space you see just blackness in this shape like it feels like we shouldn't let that thing escape right yeah i'm gonna hack at it great roll a 20 you're not 20 all right 16 all right that is a hit cool roll your damage please it's fire damage you know that because it's Harold account oh that's right you've pressed your thumb against a little pin and all of a sudden the blood sacrifice has ignited fire and the Herald of Kilmer Do I recognize what this is my arcana

Do an arcana check that I'll pay off when he's done telling me the damage Great so as you stick your sword in this thing, it almost looks like your sword is just like continuing instead of stabbing it. And the flames, as they go through the shape, fill the whole shape for a second. And for a second, it looks like this thing is just bursting into flame.

And when you pull your sword out of it, it goes over the city wall. Oh, so it leaves. 16 was my arcana. Really fast. Okay. After it's been hit with a couple of sword hits. You realize this is a different kind of familiar.

This is just darker magic. So, yeah. I am going to now bind Dessa. Okay uh so she can't do any more spells uh as you do that you see a crack of red lightning overhead you put a hood over her head um and they say let's go we should just go uh jendy says the way she got here from the royal keep when she brought back the drugs was she took a tunnel through the wall. So let's go tunnel through the wall and just get out of town. Okay.

So you guys book it. It's raining a little bit. You get out of town and there's woods in front of you. You know, Gantham is in the other side of these woods. It's going to probably take you like a full day and a half of hiking without horses. If you want, you can try and pick your horses back up at the city gates, but the guards will see you. I don't even know if I

still have my ticket. What do we care about the guards seeing us? Well, we can't go with Dessa, but everybody else can just get the horses, right? I think we should try to get the horses. Yeah. Hey, I'm invisible. I'm getting the horses. You're going to... While horses. Yeah. Hey, I'm invisible. I'm getting the horses. You're going to...

Yeah. All right. While he goes and does that, you feel over your shoulder, Bodhi, Dessa's starting to come to a little bit. I knock her head into a tree. What?

Roll a strength check. Don't knock it off. Like Jason. No, not violently Oh okay Just shut the fuck up I'm sick of it She gets

She settles down But you hear under the hood You're in trouble now You hear A low rumble and you see not Twee who's going to fetch the horses you see a little shape

in the woods kind of marching towards you kind of okay just going to investigate just going to wait for Twee to show up how far is it? it's about 100 yards into the woods.

Tweed, you get... That's walking towards us? You see four horses tied up. They're in a stable. They're down a little hallway full of hay and stuff, and there are two guards in front of the stable. Hey, you say. Yeah.

Hmm. Straw on the ground. So two guards, and what are they wearing Hmm. Straw on the ground. So two guards. What are they wearing? Plate armor. Plate armor. Do they look badass? They have big swords?

They're pretty badass, yeah. Like magical swords and stuff like that? Yeah. Okay. I'm going to hit him with a fireball. All right. I thought he went invisible to try to get them. Yeah, I just felt like he them a giant plume of flame

smacks into these guys roll for damage what's a fireball do? I'm sorry I forget he sends people on fire hey bunch of damage while he looks up the damage for his fireball

you guys see what looks like a little kobold marching towards you. And as he gets closer, Typha goes, It's that motherfucker. Do you remember? It's that motherfucker, Yondu. Who came to Tinat

and he threatened us. Oh, oh, oh. I forgot that kobolds look like lizards. It's the guy who was threatening war with the dragon. One type it was fighting with when we met her. But he was a total pussy, right? It's the Herald of Storndor. That little motherfucker

is here to announce that the kobolds are declaring war on Pentel. We don't have time for this shit, so... We've got a lot of things going on. This little guy waddles up to you guys and goes... This is so tricky because it's like, what's the plot? What's the subplot?

I don't even know. Do we stay here and fight this dragon? Typha takes out a large omelet pan and just crushes this thing's skull. Good. And says, well, that's a little simpler. Tui, what did you roll for damage? 31. I was going to split him in half with the two guards uh run away screaming they're

heavily armored but they were not ready for an invisible force to hit them with flame right now with a fireball okay good yeah uh they look like they're gonna probably come to their senses in a second because they're probably well trained but they were not ready for invisible fire so they just they squeal and they kind of run like 20 feet away, but they're not looking at the stable at all. They're just panicking for a second. Okay, cool. So I'm going to go in and I'm going to jump on my horse.

I'm going to grab the reins of the other horses behind me. I'm going to go, yeah, whoa, I'm going to do some Western type stuff. And then we're going to, you're going to cue some Brad Paisley, and then I'm going to come riding through the hay, and as I leave the stable, I'm going to set the hay on fire behind me with some fire bolts. Do a performance check difficulty 20. We don't have Brad Paisley.

This devil went down to Georgia, okay? I'd rather have Pepsi. Seven. What's your performance bonus? I'd rather have Pepsi. Seven. What's your performance bonus? Seven with a performance, sorry. I have to keep checking this because I couldn't print it out today. Plus 12. Oh, no.

So, 19. Roll a four-sided dice, and that is how many horses you get. Okay. By the way, I was at Comic-Con. I'd like to thank whoever yelled black and green. One. You just get some real butterfingers cast in that spell,

and as you cast it, you get all the horses out of the stable. She's hot, butterfingers. The rest of the... You get all the horses out of the stable. She's hot, but her fingers. The rest of the... That is the top one dumbest joke I've ever heard in my life. As you cast the spell and move your hands around to set the stables on fire,

the other horse's reins slip through. And because it's raining and there's creepy magic lightning, they just run off into the woods. And the soldiers see you on the horse and go What are you? What the fuck? You could have just asked for your horse back. Aren't these your horses?

Why are you stealing them? Hey, use it or lose it. They go This guy's a real weirdo. Did you only get one? Did he get all four? What an asshole. He lost all the horses

but one. By the way, I'm in a towel. Right, right. So you guys see Twee. I'm going to bring the horse back. I don't even need a horse.

So whoever wants the horse can have it. He comes flying in with a horse on reins and kind of pointing at it proudly like good job who wants a horse all right so what are you gonna do how are you gonna take advantage of this horse and the fact that you currently have a party of eight okay I'm going to get horses. We need them to get to the town, right?

Yeah. So what do you say? Sorry, guys, my friend. Yes, I go back. All right. Go back. I go back. There's two guards,

and they've both got their chest plates off because they're severely burned from this fireball. He's tripping. He tripped twice today. The leather straps are broken on their armor. They're like, wait, these are your horses, right?

Yes. Our guy has gone rogue. He took some weird pill to try to sleep and it made him crazy. Are you sure he's not just controlled by an uncontrollable chaotic force? No, he's a good guy. He needs a good night's sleep.

Okay, okay. I'm in the kitchen making crepes. I just rolled to make crepes. Look, I bind their wounds, and I'm trying to just get our horses. I'll make you a deal. We won't call the city guards on you, but what else could you possibly want from us? You've already thrown your own horses into the

forest. I don't know what to tell you. Unfortunately, I do need horses, though. So I wanted to see if there's any that I could just buy for me right now. I mean, the price is high because you could not be...

What do you mean our horses got thrown into the forest? He let them all run away. He decided to jailbreak horses that belonged to him and that no one would try to stop him from... So they're just randomly running around? He lost them in the attempt to cinematically break them out of the stable.

Group. I could fly and go try to grab them they're like what do you got we got horses but what do you got I like hold up the dagger with the blue aura dagger to them and I'm like this is an extremely valuable magical dagger we'll give you two horses

for it also dagger we'll give you two horses for it great um also the guard immediately snatches it okay i need um one of the guards how many more horses do i need well there's eight your party you can probably throw dessa over the back of a horse with somebody else because she's we um and then twee can fly okay i'll be right But he can only fly for 10 minutes at a time outside of the Feywild. I say to them, wait here. I'm going to be right back.

Don't tell anyone, don't move because what I'm going to come back with you're going to be real psyched about. They're like, no, I'm right. Okay, so I go back with those two horses. She shows up with two more horses. You've increased your horse count to three. Then I take one of their weird treasure chests that they're

carting around in their pockets at all times. I just get something from one of them. A gem or something, I guess. What do you guys have? She's robbing you. Esmeralda has come demanding funds. You can have one of their random treasure chests.

I know. I'm talking to them. I'm just saying. I didn't create this situation. And we gave already bought horses for the 10 times what they were worth. All the effort you put into just spending all your money on these. It's so funny to me. I'll trade you my plus one towel of concealing. Oh, yeah. These are the same horses I spent like a gold brick on.

Yeah. Jesus Christ. Yeah. That was a real smart purchase. We definitely budgeted well. Everyone yelled at me for budgeting and then... Did we chip them? We could probably just find them later.

What time are we outside? You want to go back to those guys and I'll fucking stab them for my gold brick? Okay. So I'm getting it. We're getting... It's a long travel back to those hobgoblins. What are you getting?

They're fucking dead. Remind me. Look, they gave me two horses for the dagger, so let's just get some... Yeah, I don't need a horse. This is just silly. Extremely silly. I have no gold, so I can't...

What is that? Let me look at your inventory. Here we go. 14 gold I'll give you. All right, so he gives you 14 gold. What is that, one horse? Not even. Do you have like a gem?

Brian has things. I don't know what he wants to confess that he has. Brian, can you just give us something so we can get some horses and get to this tentacle town? I'm not going to give up a gem. I already feel like a fucking idiot For getting rid of the gold pieces You tried to throw gold bricks They're gold pieces, they're worth a lot Yeah, I'm not saying

That's fine, but do you have like a We have so many weapons We have so many scavenged things Alright, I guff, okay So you go back No one's giving me anything, I guff I go back, I'm like I will give you, how many horses do I need? Four?

You have three horses. So I need five more. You need like two more for basically Bodhi and Tom or Jendi. Otherwise people have to double up. I'm like, look, I'm going to give you these two potions, offensive potions they're extremely powerful and um for four horses okay this is a deal that you are not going to find especially at this time of the apocalypse so they're like all right i'll tell you what. You can take the horses, but what we're going to throw in

is a big old tall glass of go fuck yourself. Get the fuck out of here because we're going to be in trouble for giving away these city guard horses. Does that mean they're giving me the horses? They've broken eye contact and they're waving their middle fingers behind them. So I take the horses.

All right, so she comes back with the horses you guys need. They seem to have been impressed with the potion part. They looked it over and were like, all right, we get that this is the real deal. Blaine, I feel like there's something you want to say. Yeah, I sort of snuck into the stable when you were talking to them, and I'm up on a horse. I'm going to try to sneak it out the back.

Okay, do a stealth check. I'm up on a horse. I'm going to try to sneak it out the back. Okay. Do a stealth check. I brought back horses for everyone. 16. All right. You now have enough horses where Blaine could ride a horse and not have to fly.

If I don't lame his horse on purpose. That was the longest way to steal and buy things you already had that probably has ever happened in the history of Thunderdry Dragons. I'm sure everyone really enjoyed listening to that. I'm not going to take any responsibility for what went wrong there. We have horses. We're going.

As you start riding off, first of all, you think you see in the distance some kobolds, like a lot of kobolds. And you think you hear above you a roaring noise. Oh, good. So it could be a black chromatic dragon. Cool. And you hear Dessa say something under the hood on the horse behind you, Bodhi. What is she saying? She's trying to get your attention. What is she saying? Something under the hood on the horse behind you, Bodhi.

She's trying to get your attention. What is she saying? She's saying, Hey. Hey. Hey. I guide my horse towards a tree. So it conks her head. I just wanted to tell you something.

That's the worst bait I've ever heard. She's trying to tell you something. Uh-huh. Don't you want to know what I did? No, I don't. What if it's important? Don't you want to know what I did? Dude.

They're going to come for you. I hate her so much. So that's a no? You're gonna let it be a cliffhanger? Yeah. Alright, that'll do everybody. Thanks for listening. Episode 26.

Next is 27. That's how it works. Math. Oh my god. Follow us on Patreon. What? I just like to think now that this podcast is, we're just educational. We're just teaching people to count one by one.

How to buy horses. How not to buy horses. Take this podcast, if you're in high school and you're in an econ class, take it to your economics teacher and be like, this is how not to run a budget. This is how not to pay your monthly bills. It's not real money, dipshit.

This is how not to pick up your... You already made me feel bad about spending the gold brick three episodes ago. Whatever the fuck. I know, but then you went Captain Whimsy Chaos Balls. Oh, yeah. Lut Blaine.

I'm not going to let Blaine do anything. Alright. Whimsy Chaos Balls is a great... That's a great picture. Maybe someone's saying bye. I'd be twee because there's already a Whimsy Chaos Balls registered with the guild. It's been in these two episodes hanging out. Breathe in the microphone for us. Thanks, everybody. I'd be tweet because there's already a whimsy chaos balls registered with the guild.

Thanks everybody. Thanks for listening to another episode of nerd poker. You can follow us at patrion.com slash nerd poker and you get bonus episodes from there. And you can also send us anything at P.O. Box 16069 in Cino, California, 91416. Thanks for listening.