Nerd Poker - Episode 26 - Horrors in the Wastes

Episode Date: October 11, 2017

Kord has reached out to bless our heroes, who receive gifts that bend the rules of the universe. But it may be too late, as dark acolytes are hunting them, and they strike with the unforgiving fury of one of Brian's farts. Who are these dark horrors? Will Dan pop a vein in his head from being interrupted? Only time will tell.

Hey, it's Brian Possehn. I used to have a podcast where I played Dungeons & Dragons with a bunch of my friends. I missed it, so I decided to make a new one. It's called Brian Possehn's Nerd Poker. It's myself, a couple of my buddies, Blank and Patch, Dan Telfer, Ken Daly, an occasional guest or two, and we're gonna be playing in a new setting, my dining room. Each week you'll hear my wife, my son, my dogs, and we're gonna be playing in a place that I love and playing the game that I've loved half my

life, Dungeons & Dragons. We've got 5th edition and we're ready. So are you ready? Here's Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker. Hey everybody. This is going to be a bad one. I can feel it. Guys, right before we hit record, Brian decided he would roll out his new hit points off air.

I wanted to roll them now. We said we're going to roll them on and I've rolled fucking 12 five times out of eight rolls. And so I know. One new hit point. Everybody is level six now and we're about to go.

Hey everybody, it's Brian Poussin and you're listening to Brian Poussin's Nerd Poker. Hi, Brian Poussin. Hi, friends. Hi, friends. Hi, us. Ken. Hello, two-one-a. Dan Blaine.

You know what, you guys? It's good to see you. We're leveling up, and that's what I'm all mad about. I'll take it. Level up. I'll take it. Level up. I'll take it. Hey, why don't we thank some Patreons? What do you say? Okay.

First, I'd like to thank Ted Daughters. Hey, Ted. Thank you. Ted Daughters. Then I'd like to thank Galafayo. Galafayo. And then I would like to thank the Dice Reaper. Thanks, Califale. The Dice Reaper.

Thanks, Dice Reaper. Hey! You're dead! Hickory dickory die! And then we have a new... Hickory dickory dock! Your lifespan ran out! It's clock! Hey, I'm the Dice Reaper!

Little boy blue. He didn't roll a stain. Oh! We also got a cool Patreon message. Dice Reaper, why you gonna kill me? Why can't you hug me? From Dan Gallagher.

He says, hey guys, just want to say good day. Good day. Thank you for the awesome podcast I found nerd poker a few weeks ago and I've been loving it you've given me the inspiration I needed to finally at 32 start playing D&D we're making everybody play D&D

I found a Monday night group and started playing three weeks ago and I'm loving it as a small token of my appreciation I'm very happily now a Patreon supporter cheers again and keep up the good work. Dan, a.k.a. Aelwyn Harrow, the wood elf rogue assassin.

Or, I'm sorry, Ruge assassin. That's a completely different kettle of fish. Hey, that's great. Oh, no. Stop rolling. Why are you doing the high rolls

when it doesn't matter, you silly boy? Because that matters. I'm taking either one of those. I rolled two 10s. I'm going to take them both. 20. Plus my...

You don't need to roll two. You'll need to roll one. What are you doing? I've got to get my D8. All right. Anyway, please say Dan Gallagher 2. I'm going to do a little bit of sprinkle speech before you guys roll. What?

You're going to do what now? I'm going to catch everyone up on the story and tell them what's happening. Oh, anyway. I don't know why I called that sprinkle speech. I think because it's like the sprinkles on your level up Sunday is getting some story mixed up. Yabby. So you guys are amassing an army. Where's my long spoon?

You've got like an army. We do? Yeah, bro. Wait, should I roll my hit points? We're gonna do that in a second. Fucking slow your roll. So, uh, you've got... Are we taping? We are. Believe it or not. Forenmeyer and his wood elves are marching through the

mists with you. You're trying to get Count Barrus who has secluded himself. No, it's cool. Just talk over me. It's good for people love on iTunes. That's like their favorite comment. I love when you guys talk over each other.

It's so much better than the Adventure Zone where they respect each other. Exactly. It's what makes people want to play D&D. Adventure Zone doesn't make people want to play D&D. Adventure Zone doesn't make people want to play D&D. Adventure Zone. What is that? I don't know. I want somebody to take my picture with Count Barris next to the Batmobile.

Snort. This is the sound of my voice. This is the sound of your voice. Okay, Dana. So yeah, you guys are marching through the mist with a bunch of people. You're trying to get Count Barriss. You're trying to get the Lunar Elves. You're trying to march on the Demolith. Maybe somewhere War Child is slowly taking over the giant tree.

We hope. But time just stopped as you were being attacked. What? So the mist all of a sudden became still molecules of ghosts stopped in the air, so you don't see them anymore. They're no longer rushing past. You're no longer in a sand-colored fog. They're in the distance.

You see something rushing towards you. But also, three of the wood elves, the 17 wood elves you're with, have been knocked off their steeds. And one of them has disappeared entirely. Something blurry flew towards you to do this. But time just stopped. Because Kord, the god Kord, is pleased with what you have done with Warchild. He was helpless in one of Comberis' towers.

You carried him across the wastes. You saved his life. And Kord is a big fan of when the mighty look out for the weak. So he is stopping time to not just let you level up, but to bless the three of you in unique ways. So before we get to the fancy um, before we get to the, the, the fancy stuff,

here's a quick word from four loco. So all you guys chug a four loco and gives you your new hit points. Let's see what happens. Um, I feel like we need to save Brian for last because of all the chatter about what he's been doing. Uh, Hey,

uh, Hey Ken, you've, you've got your, your dice tray and you're, you, Ken, you've got your dice tray and you're shaking your dice fist the fastest. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah. Six. Not bad. Six out of eight. Your constitution modifier is three. Wait, what? Yeah, your constitution modifier is three so you add three to that six 6 you get 9 new hit points

Oh wait a minute 9 new 9 new hit points For my baby I don't know why I don't either Dan can I roll this is hurting the inside of my hands It's like when you eat that one cereal Here let me pull Brian Dan, can I roll? This is hurting the inside of my hands.

It's like when you eat that one cereal. Here, let me pull Brian. There you go. He wasn't paying attention to the cows. That was a two, and I have a constitution thing of plus nine. So, 46. I'm sorry, I'm really bad at Spanish alright hang on so you got 9 news

you're 47 now right no 35 you're 35 now no I had you as 38 before since we fixed your character so you're 47 now you can fix my character anytime I will thank you ma'am

especially since you've been knocking up everybody in the neighborhood. Every spring, goddammit. Tie up the bass. And Blaine, what did you roll? I rolled a 2. Oh, so you don't get shit. No, I don't. No, you've got a constitution modifier of minus 2.

I'll just, for the sake of fun, zonk that out and let you get two hit points. We'll say your constitution modifier, just because you've got terrible constitution, I won't say you can't get any new hit points. So you can have two new hit points, as opposed to zero, which I think might be implied. Because that's not fun. Zero?

Fuck Gary Gygax for doing that to me you know you know what the estate of gary guy yeah exactly it's the estate that did it to you gary gygax never would have stood for this i'm kidding please don't take my thumbs so yeah you're you're up from 20 because you only had 24 hit points give a brother a break 26 you're 26. You're 26 now, right? Or do you have 26? I had 26 before I fought. All right. Well, then I'll make sure you got 28 now. And here it goes.

Oh, did I say 26? I meant 42. Oh. Oh. Okay. These Jedi mind tricks are the greatest. High fives. To a fully worth.

All right. Here at Brian's house. In exchange for this announcement. Brian, you've got some loaded dice over there. Here goes a fucking three. There's no way this will go wrong. What is it? Six.

Hey, right down the middle. That's good. So that's six. It's not 12. Plus you have a modifier of plus two. I had to detail Dan's car to get 2 points you had 53 hit points

Brian it says 51 but we fixed your character so it should have been up to 53 now it's up to 6 plus is 8 so you're up to 61. I'm changing this on D&D Beyond because we've got all your characters uploaded there,

and this way I can look at your character sheets just in tabs as you fight. And now Kord speaks to you guys. Individually. Jack, Jack, Jack to Jack. You feel a strangeness

coursing through your veins. It's as if you have all become butt puppets. Not butt puppets butt puppets not butt puppets butt puppets I saw the butt puppets open for the red hot chili peppers

remember when those two guitarists from the butt puppets played with Nirvana in their unplugged special so yeah you feel as if your nerve endings now have puppet strings coursing through them. You feel as if something else is both controlling you and speaking to you. Is it Freddy Krueger?

All three of you, before you're granted your gift, have a chance to reach out to this higher power and ask for a specific kind of blessing. He has plans for the three of you, but he may be convinced to do something special if you so desire. This will probably not happen again during this campaign. So consider. We'll be right back with our life-changing decisions. I'm loving the magics.

You're loving the magics. Is that right, Tom? It doesn't sound like your normal speaking voice. Is this what it sounds like inside your head? I'm really loving the magics. So you want some kind of magical blessing? Yeah, I think so. I'm having fun with that stuff.

All right. So the God Chord looks over the magics you've been using, considers the gift he was going to give you. You are now, let's see. I was going to ask for Nas. What's that? Did you also ask Santa for knives? What was that? Did you also ask Santa for knives? What was that? Nas.

Nas? The rapper Nas? No, Nas, so I could go faster. And more furiously. Oh, like nitrous oxide. Nas. He wants a Nas tank. Okay, I see. Alright, well you get to take um

you because you've been using the spell ray of sickness you can now use that as a cantrip even though it's not technically a cantrip everybody loves ray of sickness so uh that is your gift from the god cord is. Thank you, Kord. Kord is letting you cheat with an extra cantrip. You're awesome, Kord. D&D aficionados will hate everything I'm doing here because this is all a god intervening and changing the rules. Hey, Tweet.

You got a Stephen King book. You got a god's attention. Anything special you'd like to ask of this power? I'm a simple elf with simple needs. Oh, I'm a simple elf. I think

nuclear corvette covered with lasers. You feel an instant rejection of your request. However, you're lucky in that Kord had plans for you. You have been dabbling in some of the dark arts lately. So he is going to extend the dark arts to two of your bardic powers that you've been using often. So your unseen servant and your mage hand now can increase their distance and can traverse to an alternate plane. So they can become...

So I can store my music on the cloud now. Because you've been using the cape of the mountebank once to great effect and you're able to rip an arm off of a giant beast he's going to let you use your own arms through another dimension and let them reappear through a tiny door so yeah yeah yeah so now if you want to exactly oh god exactly so your your mage hand can now uh almost too high for that appear a distance of 30 feet away from you, and your unseen servant can also go 30 feet. I am going to start fucking with people's ties. I'm going to start knocking people's hats off.

Shoelaces. Oh, man. Oh, my God. So, yeah, keep that in mind because that's definitely some fancy business. The only thing is you're going to be on a parallel plane, so there's a

random chance the Dungeon Master can roll his dice and something unusual will happen to your hand or your Unseen Servant in another dimension. Another dimension, another dimension, another dimension. Intergalactic. Planetary.

Hey, Bodhi. Yes. Kord, he's your god. Wait, so no Corvette covered with lasers? He says as soon as you can explain to him what a Corvette is in this particular fantasy universe, he'd be happy to procure. Or lasers, or covered. Actually, no, he does know what lasers are.

He's a big fan of astrophysics, and he's been following the Large Hadron Collider. Well, you know, a Corvette is technically a small warship. Small, fast-moving warship. Like the Millennium Falcon, perhaps. That's more of a freighter. Oh, if that's the case, next time you're in Miami, go ahead and just check out the Enterprise Rent-A-Car, and it'll be

just waiting right there for you. Oh, cool. Oh, right on. And I have a Dimension Door, right? Oh, no, he's taking that away. Hmm, interesting. No, no, no. He's not taking that away. Hmm, interesting. No, no, no. He's not taking it away. Bodhi, you been thinking?

Yes, Cord. Here, I'll actually go into it for you, Bodhi. Bodhi, I'm Cord. Yes, Cord. What do you ask of me? Yes, Kord. What do you ask of me? To guide me into battle in this quest that we're on.

I'm pretty strong and I'm pretty resilient, but I could be more resilient and more strong. I want to be extreme. You want what you have, but more extreme? Yes. Or I just want to be better in battle. I want to be faster and stronger and be able to take more damage. You no longer hear his voice, but you feel two things.

One, you feel the weight of your sword on your back grow. The burden on your back suddenly becomes heavier. Okay. And you also feel a four-sided dice appear in your hand that you may now roll for additional hit points. Oh, okay. But just four-sided. Yeah! Ding!

No, I saw what that happened. No, I know what I rolled. I'm going up. All right, so you now have

62 hit points as opposed to 61. Oh, there it is. There it is. Did you say fuck you to God? No. No, he's gone. He didn't hear it.

Fuck you to this fucking stupid dice. Plink. Nothing. All I know is I'm going to teleport to Miami soon. What? And I'm going to fucking show up with a corvette. Lasers, oh my god.

Once you unsheathe your sword, you may get more of a surprise. Brian. Oh, okay. But in the meantime, Kord's blessing leaves the three of you. And time speeds back up

again. And you see the three elves are still in the ground um and now you are you realize you are surrounded by four floating forms very tall very lanky wizard like things in black robes are floating just a foot off the ground around you. They apparently swept in very fast. They have long clawed dark

violet hands. That's terrible. I don't like the violet. Very specific color choice. And, you know, should the lore of this story ever become more, I'm about to say something real creepy, Rhodes. Hey, pal.

Rhodes just walked in, guys. You want to say hi to everybody, buddy, before you go to bed? Yeah. Hey, Rhodes. He's like, oh, no, I'm getting the heck out of here. And homage to Hugh Hefner. He's running around the house just wearing a robe. Yeah.

And he took a bunch of Viagra. I was about to say, it looks like he's going to let his fingernails grow really long. Fruit-flavored chewables. Oh, man, I totally OD'd on pals. So, yeah, these four wizard-looking dudes in the black robes, very tall, very lanky floating a foot off the ground long dark violet clawed hands and they don't have heads

they have long metal spikes where their heads would be sticking out of their robes What in the wide wide world One of them is holding the missing wooden elf in a clawed hand.

The missing wood elf? Okay. Who are these guys? You don't know, but... Are they combative? They're calls for attack formation. I suggest you gents roll for initiative. Do it. calls for attack formation. Oh, okay.

And I suggest you gents roll for initiative. All right. Seven. Fifteen. Fifteen. Can you roll off for me real quick, gents? Four. Oh, that's a twee all the way.

Hey, 420! Oh, that's a twee all the way. Hey, 420. Oh, man. How did that thing figure out my password? Oh, no, I said it on a podcast. Everybody knows it. My Amazon, my Chase account, and my other Ashley Madison thing. It's all, my password's 420.

What a stupid move on my part. It's also my PayPal, and what a stupid move on my part it's also my uh paypal and uh what's the other account i have is it spelled out or just 420 that was just 4 420 super simple but you have to know my login which is my name uh at uh hotmail.gov how's your Ashley Madison going? It's pretty good. I've met some women who cheat. I'm kidding. I'm not on as far as my wife knows. I'm going to have the Wood Elf Army go in the order they're in my spreadsheet.

Wood Elf! So they're going to be a fairly uh routine order you guys uh it's going to be twee bode tom um the three of the four wizards rolled really low at their initiative so i'm going to have them go last uh but one of them rolled a 20 so i'm going to have him go after we. That was perfect. I was like, is this part going to be loud enough for everybody to hear, or is it going to be just loud enough for Ken to hear? And it was just loud enough for Ken to hear.

Oh, no. It was like a low rumbling. It sounded like Mavis was walking to the table. There's a storm front coming. The pressure is low. God. Lord. Lord.

My nose is stuffed up. All right. You were just blessed by a god. So I'm going to give the three of you advantage. So here's how this is going to work. You get to roll twice for your attack and take the high roll. Woo. And you're fighting some mean mothers, so this might be useful.

So first up, we have Tweet. Oh, one more thing. There's kind of a lot going on, and I hope at no point I'm giving you either too much story or too many people, but there's like over 20 active characters right now. Right. I was going to comment on that. There's a lot going on. So I'm going to try to autopilot.

I tried to set up some autopilot for the wood guys. Our listeners are probably a lot smarter than me, so they're following. And I'm going to just try to focus on letting that... We're still inside that tree, right? Nope. But one thing I do want to remind you, because right now the mists have sort of reshrouded the surrounding area.

You can see these wizards fine, but I want to say the three of you guys remember, before the mists reappeared, you saw in the distance there were shapes rushing towards you. Oh, yeah, yeah. So there's not just these four. Oh, I thought these were the shapes. There's four on you and at least two more... Of the

same shit? Of... You don't know. It was too far away. But there's at least two more shapes coming. And who else is fighting along with us? Anybody else fighting? Vorenmeyer and... Who's Vorenmeyer again? Vorenmeyer's the lead druid of the wood elves. Oh, okay. How many wood elves have died?

None have died. One is in a claw. I mean, there's a 17 total that four of my recruited. Those guys are all good for fighting. They're all in. Yeah, and I mean, they're in attack formation. They're trying to go on the defensive. A bunch of them are drawing arrows. Let's fuck these guys up.

Yeah. All right, everybody. Totally. Twee, you're Right. Everybody. Totally. Tweet your up. Uh, extreme. I'm going to use my little, uh,

my little hand thing. Uh, my little unseen servant. Yes, sir. Uh, uh, I'm going to have him,

uh, I'm going to have, can I, now I can make my hand appear behind somebody, right? I'm going to have my hand... They're close enough that you can do this, too. Like I said, you have 30-foot distance.

They're right at the edge of that. So I'm going to grab one of the... My hand is going to appear above one of these guys' spikes. I'm going to ask, is it the one who's got a wood elf in his claws, or is it one of the free-handed three of wizards? I'm gonna say it's the wood elf, the guy with the wood elf in his claws. Okay. And I'm gonna have the hand jerk the spike backwards really, really quick.

To sort of like, just sort of to yank him backwards as if he had a ponytail and he would just... Is this your mage hand or unseen servant? Do you have a crush on him? This is the mage hand. Okay, one second. And then I'm gonna do something else. Okay.

Okay. I'm gonna have you roll... He has a strength score of one. So to pull this off, you need to roll a 20. A 20? Yeah, to really do some. You can do that again, Latrey. Oh, yay.

Like that? Goddamn, why couldn't you roll for me earlier? I know. I'm going to yank the guys. Oh, yay. Like that? God damn it. Why couldn't you roll for me earlier? I know. I'm going to yank the guy. I'm going to yank the guy. I'm going to sort of yoink his head back a little. I just wanted to say, that was an amazing dice roll.

Yeah, that was awesome. It was pretty to watch. I'm sorry, Brian, about how jealous you are of his dice rolling abilities. What do you say I'm halfway to Vegas. I mean, in a good way. He is going to try to resist. He's going to, you know, do it. Yeah, he doesn't hit it.

So out of nowhere, a hand grabs a spike, yanks him back, and he drops the wood elf. The wood elf is stunned, though, and he hits the ground, unable to get back up. Okay. But he's dropped. He is dropped. So he is the one that got a 20. He's going to retaliate somehow.

No, I don't need to roll a 20. Is there any way that I can squeeze off another cantrip in this round or no? Squeeze off? Let me see. People don't say pinch enough. I'm going to pinch off some magic missiles. Yeah, I'm going to go home and crimp off a length

of dirty spine in the form of a thunderbolt. Pinch my vestigial tail and plop it in the toilet. I don't think you can do another spell with your bonus action. Bonus action.

It's not a spell though it's a cantrip I'm just saying I mean I did roll a pretty cool 20 pretty cool you guys should have seen it man

yeah it was amazing let's take a look at that clip alright cantrips is a bonus action it's a great clip let's watch it

in slow motion do we have any other angles on it let's watch it in slow motion. Do we have any other angles on it? Let's watch it from another angle. Let's watch it in German. Cantonese. Is it Caesar here? Yeah. Cantonese.

I'm reading a discussion about whether or not you can do this. Now who's the ding dong? Consensus seems to be that would overpower you too much if you could do a cantrip with your bonus action. Okay. So you could still try to do something else with your bonus action in addition to casting Mage Hand, but not a spell or a cantrip. Okay.

All right. Then I'm just going to... I think I've done enough by yoinking this guy and making him drop an elf it was a pretty fucking sweet move I was gonna light up his robes with a little fire that would have been fireball

I wanted to go right up the skirt actually I will have him roll a 20 so he grabs the wood elf he hasn't lifted him off the ground yet but he plants a hand roll a 20. So he grabs the wood elf. He hasn't lifted him off the ground yet, but he plants a hand on the one that he just dropped.

He flies down. Bodhi, you're up. Have you and Brian ever been to the Bodhi Twee? Yes. As you do this, by the way... I gather from my Tom of Maine stuff. You see a few of the elves, as you move to strike, are drawing their arrows back.

They're going to launch about the same time. They're all focused on this guy who is grabbing at their friend. I like it. So I'm going to rage and I get four now. Yes, sir. Four rages per day. Yeah. Fifteen

plus seven, twenty. Are you swinging at the grabby one? Yeah, the closest. Are you sure? Yeah, one? Yeah, the closest. Uh. Oh, sure. Yeah, he's not really the closest. Well, the grabby one. The grabby one?

Okay. You can get up there. Um. That is a hit. Please roll for damage. Why do I have fucking white room in my head because uh he was saying the thing about the what black curtains or something oh maybe yeah because i had it in my head too because we're It's not even my era. 7 plus 4. 11. Great.

That's a good sign. What happened? Sam, what are you doing? Silly boy. Tom, you're up. No, you get more attacks. I'm watching tentacle porn over there again. Keep attacking you.

Rage it. Majestic barbarian. Rage it. Extremely rage you. Nothing. What was it? It would be 11. That's not a hit.

These guys, you need to beat a 15 to hit them. You were saying we have a bonus on this attack? No, he gets... Because he's raging, he gets to attack again. Oh, what happens when I drew my sword, though? I just drew it. Oh, that's right. Okay, so we need to stop for a second. So you do one blind.

First of all, you get to swing two more times. Oh, wow. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You are now holding a plus one greatsword as opposed to a regular greatsword. It is not the same. I wish everybody could see my smile. I don't smile enough.

Strangers tell me that on the streets all the time. Hey, sweetheart, give me a smile. I'm like, okay. Okay. It's this one dude, but anyway. A lot prettier with a smile on your face. This great sword is not only plus one, it's got two special things about it

that you notice after you've swung it. First of all, it's got a little name that Kord has communicated to you. What's its name? It is the Herald of Kelmar. Kelmar is Kord's own great sword, and this is the Hald of Kelmar. K-E-L-M-A-R.

Also, you realize right after you swing, you've been kind of like gripping it weird. Under your thumb, kind of like your thumb is resting on it safely, there is a tiny little pin that is pointy. What does that do? You feel like maybe if you go ahead and just prick your thumb on this Yeah, okay, I do.

So, as you do it, you offer a tiny blood sacrifice to Kord. And the Herald of Komar lights up in flame. Oh, where are the boys at Kord? You see a line

of your blood shoot up the side of the sword and flame follows it. Wow. Yes. Like that dude in Game of Thrones this year. Swing two more times, Brian. Alright. That's a six plus... So that's...

The Herald of Kilmar whiffs. That's a 13. That's not a hit? No. Oh, you said 15. Yeah. Yeah, that'll hit. Cool. Roll for for damage won't you Where's my black one you just wrote all your dice for

Black six-sided Fucking ding dong doodle. Oh, yeah, that's the satanic looking one Yeah, that's the satanic looking one. Alright. It's black. That's what makes it satanic. Right on and it came up high for me. Oh, nice. That's another 11.

I did a sacrifice. Plus 4. 15. Great, and you do another 2 points of flame damage against this flame flamage as you do

this he unsuccessfully tries god damn it so many people this fucking Jerry Lewis Tom Petty I know there's a third one that just happened somebody we just said him Jerry Lewis, Tom Petty. It's because we're getting older. I know, I know.

There's a third one that just happened. Somebody we just said him. Money Hall. Yeah, Money Hall, yeah. A guy that a lot of bad dungeons were named after. It's fucked up. I said to my wife today, if anybody in Rush, I'm not even going to say it,

but Rush, I will be inconsolable. not even going to say it, but Rush, I will be inconsolable. Why would you? But I know. Now you've guaranteed that Geddy Lee is going to. I didn't say Geddy. So you guys are a little bit younger than Petty, man.

Oh my God, I just got an Amber Alert for Geddy Lee. Oh, you fucker. An Amber Alert. Oh my God. I just got an Amber Alert for Geddy Lee. Oh, you fucker. An Amber Alert. I just want to point out he didn't say he died. Be on the lookout for a gleaming red bar cheddar. With Oregon plates.

So yeah, this guy tries to swat the Herald of Kelmar away and fails. You are up, Tom. Yeah. Oh, no, you get it one more time. That's right, you whiffed and then you did it. Oh, yeah.

Well, since... My baby. I'm going to poison spray this guy. You're going to poison poison bury this guy. What? Oh, I don't know. When you guys don't touch Apple

and whatever you do. Actually, I'm going to say Bodhi was too busy fucking with his sword to take full advantage of his advantage. Roll 220s

and take the higher attack dice. It's a spell. It's a cantrip. Oh, what are you going to Huh? What did I do? You have advantage

so now when you are attacking you can roll two 20s and keep the higher attack number. Oh. Why didn't I do that the last time? Because we both forgot. That's what I was asking. I remember you said

something. I didn't remember what it was. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, so I'm going to poison spray this biznock. Try it. Is that why I got to roll four times, though? No. You rolled three times. Two?

Okay. Six. And I should have let you roll two dice three times. What was that? Eight. Eight, okay. So this guy Troublemaker. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay. So this guy... Troublemaker. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So he gets hit with a bunch of acid and a bunch of arrows come flying at him. And only one of them hits. And does a nice chunk of damage, but then he manages to try one more thing. Yeah, he floats out of melee range with this guy in his hand. You beat up his robes real good.

He's got all sorts of acid tatters and scorch marks. But he's got this guy off the ground. One of them comes at a twee. Look out, twee. Hey, tree. what's your AC? What's your AC? You know, I never saw it. You actually have really good AC.

It's 16. Oh, you just thought it was just okay? Yeah. People love it. I'm wrong, I guess. What's that? No, you're probably right. It.

I didn't see it. That was 11, right? Hmm? I have 16 by the time people listen to this I'm cuz your armor I think but I'm still like okay it's been out four weeks already so but there's got to be but another reason your AC is that high shining busy awesome no that's what you keep asking Shining Basin Universal was awesome Shining what? You keep asking for that but I gave that to Brian I have a green leaf cloak Cool Oh it's that plus the cape of the mountebank

Plus you're wearing special armor So And I have boots of running for my life Great Alright so running for my life great um all right so he is going to uh try to grapple you how close is he um he's flying towards you uh you were close you know to nobody in particular you were you're on your steed still um But he saw where that hand was cast from.

There's a picture of Stimpy. I didn't remember Stimpy having such little tiny arms. He still does. Gee, Red. You're so fucking funny. He doesn't quite make it. He rolled a 15, but one of them just flew at you.

Another one goes for Tom. Mrs. Tom. And another one goes for one of the elves that is incapacitated on the ground. Look out, elf. Incapacitated. Elves that is incapacitated on the ground. Look out, elf. Incapacitated? Whoa!

Doesn't lift him off the ground yet, but gets to him and places hands on him. Forenmeyer hops off his steed and begins some sort of transformative process. He is turning into some other kind of creature. Weird. Some sort of attack. Weird yet cool.

So he is summoning some sort of supernatural strength in an attempt to engage in more efficient combat. Bodhi, you are up. I'm sorry, Twee. Twee, Twee, Tweehi you are up or i'm sorry twee twee twee twee you're up uh now who what exactly who's close four headless wizards one of one of them's on the ground grabbing an incapacitated elf one of them's up in the air with an incapacitated elf a third one just tried to grapple you and is right in your face. And a fourth one is he's like trying to grab at Tom, but he's farther away. So you couldn't get to him in melee combat. Okay, I'm going to try to sidestep this guy while I'm fire bolting him. Okay.

Go for it. Yeah, I'm just going to try to get his rubs on fire. Great. I'm not out to set his rubs on fire. I'm kidding about that. I am setting out to set him on fire. With a 14. That'll do.

He gets blasted and reels backwards. And at this point, I'm going up, up, and away in my beautiful balloon. And I'm flying around. He does, however... The fifth dimension, the fifth dimension, the fifth dimension, the fifth dimension. He does have magic resistance, though, so he has advantage on his saving throw, and he manages to take less damage than he

normally would. What an asshole. Yes. Kill him. Bodhi, it's time for you to swing your fancy thing. Rage. Thank you for raging. That's good. Yep, that'll do. That'll do that'll do pig that'll do 17 plus

seven right oh yeah that's a hit for sure which one you going for the one you've been swinging at yeah um he is he is like really high up in the air so there's an added difficulty that you made but if you're swinging at that dude... I'm going to slice it as undercarriage. Yeah, you're definitely slicing it undercarriage. Cut his nuts off. Nuts! Yeah.

Six, ten. Great. And then go again. Two more? Yes, sir. and then go again two more yes sir nine plus seven yeah that's it right yes that'll do yeah that's 16 yeah uh 11 yep and one more

yeah yeah that'll stick again yep all right one of his legs at the calf gets hacked off oh i didn't do this and goes spinning. Another ten. Yeah, so he's he doesn't make a sound as you he's got no head, but his leg goes flying behind you as you take a shot. Any other advantage? Oh, and does he take any

flame damage? He's down really low. He's bloody. Stick your finger up your butt. Pull it out, wipe it clean. It smells like gasoline. It might only take a finger up his butt to kill him. The thing is, he's... I've got just that finger.

Why does it smell like gasoline when you wipe it clean? It should smell not like gasoline. It should smell like poop. Yeah, I guess. Yeah, it should still smell like poop. Well, if you wipe it clean, it depends. How clean are you going to wipe it? I mean, yeah. not orgasm like poop yeah I guess yeah it should still smell like poop so this guy's well if you wipe it clean depends

how clean are you gonna wipe it I mean yeah plus when this is made you didn't really have hand sanitizer or anything why did I try to interrupt this beautiful story

that you're telling excuse me so this wizard who's got he's real screwed up wizard he one leg

one leg missing but he's floating. He sticks two of his fingers up this elf's nostrils. What the? And rips the top half of his head off. Jesus. grabs his grabs his brain out of his skull and sticks it on the metal

spike where his head should be. That's terrible. What a weird thing to do. That's horrible. So when he does this Can I double rage? You're really bad. I'm gonna just

wasn't sure we'd get to this these are pretty tough guys how are we doing on time Sam? we are at 47 minutes ok cool so a few of the elves

react in horror and miss a turn most of them try to fire off another volley of arrows. He gets hit with one. He doesn't die, but he's not looking great. The thing is that when he

spikes the brain, he starts to try to float off back in the direction he came from. Tom, you're up. More poison on him. He also drops the corpse of the wood elf and it thunks to the ground.

Oh. Alright, I'm poison spraying him some more. Go for it. Eight. Eight, sixteen. Sixteen poisons on him. So he resists a couple points of that damage. 16 poisons on him so he

resists a couple points of that damage doesn't quite die and Forenmeyer did he put the brain on the spike just to spite the guy yeah I'm not following that does he get something from it

so how do I put this Or did it... Yeah, I'm not following that. Does he get something from it? It's just a weird thing to do. So, how do I put this? Can you guys... Do any of you guys... Give me your Arcana numbers. Oh, is he pulling something from it? I have an Arcana. How many points do you have in your Arcana?

Oh, you know what? I know this. I have your digital sheets. So many points do you have in your Arcana? Oh, you know what? I know this. I have your digital sheets. 25. No, you don't have a 25. I have a 100. Bodhi, you have a 0, it looks like. It says 1 here, but it's my intelligence. Tui, you have a plus 5.

No. Tom, you have a plus 4. You guys both roll a 20. Real quick. We're stopping time. I'm giving you a bonus observation. Tweet, you realize you've heard of this kind of behavior before.

Do I have to spray the curtains to keep them off the curtains on the couch? If it wasn't for the fact that they don't seem to have heads, you'd think that these were mind flayers. I had a mind flayer vibe going on. Yeah. And then when the brains came out, I'm like, there's definitely got to be a mind flayer. Yeah, yeah.

Because the purple hands were a little tip off. I'm sorry, the violet hands. You're not sure where their heads went, but that's the vibe you're getting. Yuck. Big ol' yucko. I'd sure like to stab one and kill this guy, finally. Vorenmeyer appears to have taken the shape of a ten-foot-tall bear. Of course he did.

His clothes have fallen to the ground in shreds. He tackles the wizard mind flayer thing that is grabbing one of his friends on the ground. Hopefully you can prevent forest flayers. He just barely gets to do some damage.

Barely with his bonus. Barely. He does seven points to that fella. Kill him to death. The other guys still are moving in. Hey, Tweet, here comes your friend. Is he barely legal by any way Barely legal what

One of them just botched Attacking you Tui Okay I like that The bad guys have botched A lot in this campaign I like that He rolls a 76 On the botch table In this campaign. I like that. So we're going to go. I'm a fan of the bad guy botch. He rolls a 76 on the botch table.

Oh, shit. So what's this rolling brought to you by, Blaine? This rolling is brought to you by Perfect Strangers Breakfast Cereal with little marshmallow Mark Lynn bakers. Bronson pinch. Oh, that's part of this balanced breakfast. Perfect Stranger's breakfast cereal. Back to you, Brian.

He takes a swing at you and your steed bucks backwards and manages to just rip into his arm with one of its antlers. And causes massive damage to his arm. Okay, so he fucked that up. One of them goes after you, Tom. He does not botch. What's your AC? I'm looking it up.

Plus one? Because I got the high arm. Your AC is 14 at the end of the day. He rolled a 14. So I have bad news. No. He's trying to grab you.

And he does. Ew. Get off me. Kiss him. Good news is his kiss is going to be next turn. He does. Ew. Get off me. Kiss him. Let go. Good news is his kiss is going to be next turn. That's on my list. But yeah.

Turn off the lights. One more guy. He has to roll. Oh my god. he botched. Okay. Those dice suck, Dan. 79. I love that tower, though. They speak botchy.

The tower makes even a botch seem delicious. I have no need for a protocol droid. What did I do? I have a big dinner party this weekend. I have to learn how to ballroom dance and my wife's going to know I've been taking that money she's been giving me for lessons and using it to get my truck fixed.

The guy being attacked by Vornmeyer tries to claw back at him. You've got to help me, guys. If my wife finds out about the money in the truck, I'm fucked. I'm so fucked. I'm like capital fucked. He actually gets his head crushed by Vornmeyer as Vornmeyer in the truck. I'm fucked. I'm so fucked. Like capital fucked. And he actually gets his head crushed

by Ford Meyer as Ford Meyer shifts his weight and just smashes in his chest cavity. So massive. Can he barely breathe? Oh my god. One of the funniest things I've ever seen in my life

was in the Comedians of Comedy documentary when you guys are at the restaurant making fucking barely jokes oh my god Bear Force One I've been barrelized in a wheelchair

yeah he took massive damage when he got stomped he's just crippled. He's on the ground, just kind of like twitching. So that's one dead. Good. You are up, Twee. I'm going to sing a little song.

Yeah, what's the song called? Tweet. Flying over you. Flying over you. Look at me. Hey, check it out. You have a pretty voice. It's like a voice of an angel.

Do you want to do anything with your bonus action? Am I above these guys? One of them's really high. Don't shit on us. You can get above one. At least, no, you can get above the two that have been attacking you and Tom, but one of them is, like, flying away. He's almost out of visual range with a brain on his spike.

With a brain on his spike. That's weird. So do I have a clear shot at any of these guys without any splash damage from my friends? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That guy you could definitely hit without splash damage. The guy flying away? Do I feel like he's going to come back? If you hit, well, here's the thing.

He's bloodied. So like he might not be able to take a ton of damage. Good. He's been hit by almost everybody. Lost a leg. Get him. Bring him down. Okay, then I'm going to use my brand new fireball on him.

Why don't you? Use a little brand new fireball. Roll for damage, please. you roll for damage please we'll see if he resists enough to stay alive 86 cheese Jeez Louise 8 Those level 6 fireballs sure are fun All of a sudden The scrawny little elf that you've come to know As Twee explodes In a bolt of napalm There is nothing left of this thing.

I'm going to turn around and do the, I like it. Buy that for a dollar. His 70-odd hit points evaporate into nothing. All right. I like that. Let me write this down. Fireball spell. Unfortunately, it's not a cantrip.

Yeah, I know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's barely a cantrip. Blah, blah, blah. Bodhi. We're going to make people sick. All right. Oh, he excels.

Alright. I'm still raging, by the way. You sure are. Oh, wait. Who's left? You're gonna wait. You're gonna wait real good. There's two guys left. One of them was just attacking Tui. One of them was just attacking Tom.

Is the guy attacking Tui, is he flying? Yeah, he's like under Tui right now. Kind of like... Oh, okay. He looks like what he would love to do when you're done is grab Tui by the legs. Okay. I'm going to go after him.

My legs are just going to... Oh, they're totally dangling like Kermit in a green screen shot. Yep. Barf. All right. in a green screen shot. Alright. Roll for dammy. Oh, nice. Oh, Jesus. Okay. So that's 10 plus

2 fire. Plus another 4 on my raging. So that's 16. Yep. So, whack! Into his butt. Yep.

Let's see what else you got. Oh, hey, you're supposed to be rolling two 20s at a time, Phil. Oh, okay. Jesus. I bet you want the 19. Yeah, I'll take the 19. Roll for damage. Oh, nice.

Again. Fuck. So you just wail on this guy. What was that? 16 again. 16 again. Yeah, yeah. And then roll one more.

Come on, big. Big number. We're at an hour. Come on, big number. We're at an hour. Let's take a 20. That'd be nice. Nope. Well, that one's a 9 plus my 7. 16 stick?

Yep. All right. I'll take it. Plus the fire. Yeah. Dude, I'm just... Jeez. Yeah. Dude. I'm just, geez.

Yeah, I've been doing some damage. A little Moulinane fucking rip his robes up. He turns on you. I thought you meant turns you on.

And he's unable to get his claws into you. Cool, should we We're right at an hour. You want to do an hour? Turns you on. And he's unable to get his claws into you. Cool. Should we... We're right at an hour. You want to do another action? One more guy gets to attack.

Sure. So there's one that has him in his hands. Ouch. Yeah. He doesn't quite manage to get his hand in your nose. You're able to... He rolled real low on a strength check. So you don't even have to do a saving throw,

but he's definitely clawing at your face. I'm looking at him. As you realize that is happening, two figures emerge from the mists um and david geffen and jim bacchus what a weird one one of them is um jim bacchus doing here one of them is on the the back of a horse and one of them is extremely large larger than Bodhi, larger than any of you, larger than Fornmeyer the bear. Very, very large form comes into view. And we will find out.

It's not the big blue drummer for the Cure Poral Bunion, is it? What they look like next episode. Okay. What number are we on, by the way? This was episode 26, yeah. 26. So thanks for listening, everybody. Thanks for supporting us.

You're terrific. Yeah. Thanks for being awesome. Do you have stuff you need to plug? This is going to go up next week. Yeah. Just go to brianfacine.com. I've got end of Octoberober i'm in portland

this one goes up next week oh okay yeah so uh come see me in portland at helium and i've got uh all the favorites coming up i'm in austin the start of the next year i'm in uh tacoma coming up. Bunch of good ones. Thanks for listening. Thanks for listening to another episode of Nerd Poker. You can follow us at patreon.com slash nerdpoker, and you get bonus episodes from there. And you can also send us anything at P.O. Box 16069

Encino, California 91416 Thanks for listening.