Nerd Poker - Episode 27 - Elder Nightmares

Episode Date: October 25, 2017

Behold! Things escalate quickly in the mysterious mists, and two undead creatures emerge that are unlike anything our heroes have seen before. Will more brains get scooped out? Will the brand new army of elves get cut in half? Will Blaine have a good vampire slaying commercial? Only time will tell.

Hey, it's Brian Possehn. I used to have a podcast where I played Dungeons & Dragons with a bunch of my friends. I missed it, so I decided to make a new one. It's called Brian Possehn's Nerd Poker. It's myself, a couple of my buddies, Blank and Patch, Dan Telfer, Ken Daly, an occasional guest or two, and we're gonna be playing in a new setting, my dining room. Each week you'll hear my wife, my son, my dogs, and we're gonna be playing in a place that I love and playing the game that I've loved half my

life, Dungeons & Dragons. We've got fifth edition and we're ready. So are you ready? Here's Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker. Hey, everybody. It's Brian. You're listening to Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker. Episode 27. Yeah.

Three nines on top of each other. Ken D'Anglain. Ken is loopy. Yep. Hey. We've got some shit going down, but should we say hi to people first? Oh, my God. Hi, Dana Stocking, and thank you for being a Patreon subscriber.

Dana, hi. Every Dana stocking up me. Thank you, Christopher Ritter. Thanks, Christopher. Christopher Ritter. If this is the Christopher Ritter, this can't be the Christopher Ritter from Chicago's Lakeshore Theater. Is it the Christopher Ritter that makes all the lights that shine directly into my face

at the dentist office? Thank you, Lord Danish. Thanks, Lord Danish. Thank you. You are my God. Oh, oh. Okay. I pray to him every time

I eat at Danish. Lord Danish. You know what's really good over at the Lord Danish is the chili cheeseburger. Thank you, an amorphous cloud you know what's really good over at the Lord Danish is the chili cheeseburger thank you an amorphous cloud of bluish intoxicating vapor

that is one of our Patreon subscribers blueberry flavor an amorphous cloud of bluish intoxicating vapor thank you so much for subscribing to our Patreon feed and allowing us to if I could bluish vapor I would never leave the house.

Oh, man. I think I'm getting a couple of ribs removed so I can bluish my own vapor. Who doesn't look bluish? Space balls. Are they saying blue or blue worms? Watch out. All right, everybody. Yeah, you're in the middle of a very...

There's a lot of ball jokes in Spaceballs. Mostly. Because it's in the title. Mostly ball jokes. A lot of weenus jokes. When I was a kid and really enjoying that movie, I was like, I'm a little uncomfortable how much these strangers are talking about their genitals.

I showed it to Rhodes, and I think it might have been a little early. Too many balls? I've made a couple of mistakes. Is that where the ball you were shooting? I'm pretty good, usually, about movies. There's a lot of shit that he hasn't seen, you know, like, that are PGs.

Yes. The exercise. Well, yeah, a lot of, you know, like, even Jaws, like, some of the PGs back when we were kids are fucking hard. They would be an R now. Yeah. I remember there were a lot of, no, like even Jaws, like some of the PGs back when we were kids are fucking hard. They would be in R now. Yeah.

I remember there were a lot of like Bill Murray comedies with toplessness where I was like, oh. Oh, my God. You remember when you saw Meatballs? Oh, geez, I couldn't sleep for weeks. Yeah, it's a movie about kids at summer camp with. Are you ready for the summer? Yeah. But language and violence The rating was different

Like Goonies I think is even a little too much For an 8 year old Oh man Literally they're looking for the treasure Of a pirate named after a penis Yeah yeah But then the dead body shit Even Indy

Even Indy is a little intense For an 8 year old Temple of Doom is way too intense Jesus Even Indy. A dead body shit? Even Indy's a little intense for an eight-year-old. Oh, Temple of Doom. Yeah. Temple of Doom is way too intense. Jesus. Yeah.

But also just, not even for the heart ripping out, but the monkey brains. But when Temple of Doom came out, that was like my favorite because I was older. I liked Temple of Doom better when it came out because it was darker, just like how when I was getting older when Empire came out. Yeah. Temple of Doom hasn't aged that well though like i remember as a kid i loved it but now that yeah the monkey brains dinner comes across as super racist oh yeah there's a lot of shit it's like i mean short round come on god no time for uh a wokeness dr Dr. Jones. But anybody, if you play... Which one am I a voice in? I mean, I think I'm in Halo 2. Oh.

I do grunt voices. So if you're playing Halo 2, or if you used to, or if you remember a grunt yelling, hold on to your potatoes, that was because of me. That was me loving short rounds, so I had to throw that in there. It's in the game.

I heard it. You've probably heard it, too. Short Round was hilarious. There was this rumor that he was working at Daily Grill over in Studio City, and I went in, and it was not him. But it was Rufio. Whoever started that was racist. He was just some short round guy.

That's not the same. You guys are in the middle of a very crazy encounter. I know. I'm putting it off. I want to talk about nostalgia instead of getting killed. Yeah, so remember that time you got killed? Good old days.

You had four... A Marthamon. Four headless mind flayers came after you. Yuck. They had big metal spikes instead of heads, and they were, instead of eating brains, collecting them on their head spikes. Yuck.

One of them is grabbing you. No. You. Get off of me. That's right, Ken. It's getting Tom. If you do that, I'm going to cast a ray of sickness upon you. No. You. Get off of me. That's right, Ken. That's getting Tom. If you do that, I'm going to cast a ray of sickness upon you. Say it in Tom voice.

That's what you want to do. If you do that, I'm going to cast a ray of sickness right upon you. I didn't want Vin Diesel to play, because I did used to, and then I've been not wanting him. But now I want him to play just to see him do. Make him do it for his character. Watch him watch you do. Make him do a Ken Bailey voice for his character.

Because he would not like you doing that. Yeah, probably not. But I'd love it. What was your character's name in Usual Suspects? What the hell was? I don't know. You don't know? Dr.

Kaiser Sosa. Bodhi. Something Bodhi. Something Bodhi. No, really? Ken was Kaiser Soze. The real Kaiser Soze. I was the translator for it. La, la, la.

No spoilers. I didn't see it yet. Let's see. I'm looking you up on IMDB, Ken. That one guy's a girl. I think it just says translator. The girl's a guy. In the script, I was Levi Bode or something.

Was that when Harry was Sally? Levi Bode? Here's the thing. I was at COP. Vader fucked the Skywalker's mom. I called in to translate because I could speak Hungarian. Oh, wow. Yep.

Our parallel conversations are giving people migraines. It's nice that they met each other. Anyone trying to follow a galaxy. Put one conversation in one channel and one in the other. Everyone who's listening listening his nose is bleeding right now right now it sounds like cubicle screaming

why can't you guys stop talking over each other let's play some D&D sounds like nine people trying to decide where to have breakfast in prim I don't know

I'll have whatever you want whatever you're thinking hey I'm gonna go try to find Vera I'll be back in a couple minutes. I want to finish the joke that I was doing over the parallel conversation, so let's just reverse. So it's Levi Bode do B-V-I-L-O-D-E is the name of Vin Diesel's character

when he is on the podcast. All right. It's a great, crazy song, too. I like it. I'm glad you liked where it was headed, because boy, oh, boy, that was a sweaty, sweaty delivery. Yeah, I'll take the B-V-I-L-O-D-E character. I like it. I'm glad you liked where it was headed because boy oh boy that was a sweaty delivery. Yeah I'll take the B-Vi-Lo-D character I don't know I'm happy with that.

No I want to hear you do a Vin Diesel impression of him doing an impression of you. I'm Ken Daly. I play D&D. Wow Vin that's really mean. That was pleasurable for no one.

What was that? Oh, somebody just kicked the door in. Brian, you want to get that? Hey, Brian. Yeah, sure. You know, you got to remember about the superhuman hearing thing that Vin Diesel has. Oh, shit. And his super speed.

So if you say anything bad about him, he shows up in your door. He's hearing. Kicks your door in. Let's play. There's two left of the four. One of them got incinerated. One of them got stomped. Let me introduce you to my friend Ray. Right as you're about to do that, you do see two forms coming.

Why did I have to? I just choked the microphone again. I'm sorry, listeners. Mic choker. One character is on the back of a horse. Yeah, that one's huge.

Pretty boring looking horse. But this guy... It's not necessary. Why are you shitting on the horse? Why are you horse shaming, Dan? You know what? The horse will shit on you. It's not as creepy as everything else going on right now. It is a mundane horse.

Okay. Speaking of which, I saw a turkey today, and they're creepy in person. Turkeys? Oh, right. Well, they're a bird with a featherless head, which never looks good. Never looks good. Vultures, turkeys. Yeah, man. They're too much in a featherless head, which never looks good. Never looks good. Vultures, turkeys. Yeah, man.

They're too much in common. Cassowaries. You know what else I saw that was unsettling in person was Fuzzy Zeller. That's because he's a racist. What? Not a white golfer all old people are even us

president fuzzy zeller so our cast ray of sickness don't you want to know who came out of the mist oh yeah I saw the account it's hard because we've been talking in circles there's a big guy a big figure

that's the other one I almost got to him It's hard because we've been talking in circles. There's a big guy. A big figure. That's the other one. I almost got to him. So this guy... Jesus Christ, it's loopy today. Let's just go. God, it hurts. I'm going to sit back. Go ahead.

No, I... Hello? Oh, it's young Bruce Willis. He's here to close your loopy. Hey, come out to the coast. We'll have some laughs. Sark? So, okay.

The guy in the horseback is a straight up mind flare. He's got a head. He's got a hood on. He's got a hood on He's wearing armor And his face tentacles Are flapping around Real intense Yikes

Would you guys roll an investigation check For me real quick Sure I'd love to Seven Three Tweet your investigation bonuses is plus three Tom yours is plus four So you guys just notice this guy's wearing black armor. That's all you really notice about him. It looks cool. I'm going to describe this next character while doing my best for the sake of focus and time not to notice that Brian is playing with his naked foot right now.

Gross. I'm playing with his other naked foot right now. No, stop it. Sorry. Hey, it's your house, bro. I'm playing with my fully clothed balls. Hey, is that armor black metal? Didn't even know it was.

It is. It is black scale metal. And the other form is very, very tall. It is about 20 feet tall. Whoa. It is wearing armor that doesn't even have a neck hole. It almost looks like it's locked over

its body. Like it's been placed over it. It's Ram Man. It is holding a large piece of rock that is dragging in the ground behind it. About 20 feet tall.

No head. Wow. How fast can we run? And you can't quite figure out what race it is based on your investigation rolls, but it looks like it can do some serious damage and is very heavily armored. And again, no head. Fuck. So, I'm going to, the action kind of can stall for a second here so you can decide what you want to do game plan wise. You've got basically a second where you can call out to each other about what the game plan is because you could keep attacking, but you definitely have some new bosses that have.

Hey, hey guys. Hey, why. Hey. Why don't we just go to Buca di Beppo and get a bunch of stuff? Let's split a bunch of stuff at the table. Well, there's three of us and it's more of a... But I don't want to drive into town. It's like a five to six person dinner

and there's only three of us. Oh, no. We got all the... What else? Let's do it. Yeah. Buca. Let's hit Buca. Buca. Forenmeyer, the bear, lets out a howl, and you realize he's trying to say something, but he's got bear vocal cords, and so it just comes out as a straight-up bear howl.

But he's taken back a little bit and is trying to shout something out to everyone. Does it sound like run away? No, it doesn't. It sounds like a like a battle cry some kind of battle cry more arrows get loose back everybody seems focused though on the two guys you've been attacking. You're not sure exactly why they're not attacking the other two except that they're heavily armored

and these guys you've been attacking have already taken some damage. Two down, two to go. And now there's two more. So you went from four to two to four again. What's behind us?

Should we... Open space behind you. Two wizards, a mind flayer on horseback, and some sort of giant headless thing in front of you. We did fight a giant tree. I mean, I don't mind fighting this guy,

but what's everybody else feeling? Vorenmeyer just did a battle cry of sorts. He seems like he's ready to fight. All right, let's jump on him then. He did see the things coming? None of you saw these things coming. I mean, the only reason you had any idea the shapes were coming is because Kord stopped

time to bless you. So you had a feeling that something else might be coming at you through the mists, but it took a few turns for them to show up. Does anybody else notice them? Oh, I mean, they all see now. Okay, good. I just wanted to make sure they weren't throwing up an illusion or something

that only we saw them. Yeah, what else can I tell you? I mean, you guys are make sure they weren't throwing up an illusion or something that only we saw them yeah what else can I tell you you guys are pretty sure arrows aren't going to pierce the armor of this big thing so that's going to be a bit of a challenge we're going to hit it with kill stuff you're definitely going to need to hit it with kill stuff

the guy in his back you're not 100% sure what's going on but he doesn't also look like a regular mind flayer. He looks almost more gaunt. He's a mounted mind flayer. He is mounted.

Is he on a dead horse, or is it an undead horse? It looks like he stole it from somewhere. There's a stark difference between the armor he is wearing and the mundaneness of the horse he is riding. Right, you said something about that earlier.

Let's kill everything. If it was an undead horse, I would kill it, but now I feel bad killing a regular horse. The horse doesn't look happy that this thing is riding it oh yeah it looks like it's there's too far to attack right now early yeah in fact he's gripping its mane with his hand in lieu of reins there's no saddle he's just kind of like yeah what were you saying back in him they arranged to attack uh yes however you're still being grappled I'm gonna shoot the grappler with my ray of sickness.

Well, unfortunately, you are third in the initiative. But I didn't get a turn last time. Oh, that's right. We did stop at you, didn't we? Okay, go for that ray of sickness. Go for that ray of sickness. I can't wait for this ray of sickness. It's going to be great, right?

Mm-hmm. Let's see what I... I forget how many. 2D8. Great. This ray of sickness brought to you by Poop Plantation. Don't go there. Unless you're German.

Then move in. Poop Plantation. And four. Eleven. Eleven. Eleven. Constitution saving throw. Well, I've got bad news.

For him, I hope. Well, he doesn't need to roll very high because he is undead, and he doesn't have a throat. So he manages to make his... He has a bonus versus constitution throws, though, because he is a custom monster that has no throat with which to throw up. He doesn't have a brain.

He is being steered, it seems. He's technically poisoned, but okay. He's technically poisoned? Yeah. It's his ability. Well, I'll tell you what. He's about as poisoned as an undead creature can be. And I'll say it's definitely bothering him that you did this,

but it did not take any damage. It just made him mad. Yeah. Oh, he's super pissed. Cool. Forenmeyer is your pal, though, and we're at the back end of initiative, so I want to hear what Brian's about to ask,

but before he does that, Forenmeyer grabs this guy by the legs and he does a bite attack oh yeah, he's a bear I bet it is because you seem too

excited and he does a lot of damage I bet it is because you seem too excited. And he does a lot of damage. He does about 20-some damage against this guy. And he is going to try to hang on to you, but... Yeah, no, he lets go. Okay, good. All of a sudden, you see the headless thing that's been clawing at your face just go because you're still up in your steed and he just

got yanked to ground level. Brian, what were you wondering about? Well, I have that magical rope that does necrotic damage. Where did you get that? Sounds like a big five purchase.

It's not in my danger room only. Because I have other shit up here that says danger room only. I remember giving that to you and I don't remember when I did it. Listeners? Oh man, somebody's... We got some gold pieces and a spell book

but would that all be danger room shit? No, because we've got another shit. You got some stuff when you looted a tower in Count Barriss' castle. I'm trying to remember. Yeah, I felt like that was a campaign thing. Yeah, that sounds like a campaign thing. Yeah, it... If not, we'll find out.

What do you want to do with that? Bad boy, bad boy. I'm just thinking I'm looking for something to fuck with Undead. A bunch of arrows get loosed on the guy who's been swinging a twee. Ooh, that's a lot of good ones. Clackety-clack.

Hey, Kenny, have you seen this? It's not an anthology. Maybe it is. Castle. No. Have you seen that? That's not out yet, is it? Not Castle Rock.

I was thinking the other one with the... Go ahead. Well, there's this one called Slasher that's on... Oh, I don't know about that at all. I think it's on Netflix now. I was watching it, and they just did one run of it, and then there's a new series coming out. But what I watched was really cool.

What's that creepypasta? There's a creepypasta show. Oh, I don't really cool. What's that creepypasta? It's like, um... Hmm? There's a creepypasta show. Oh, I don't know. I heard about that. It's about a kid's show that only the kids can see. Oh, weird. It's creepy, yeah.

There's also a creepypasta show. It's just Guy Fieri taking a shower. Okay, so... Sorry, Fieri. Bunch of stuff just happened. Yeah. Eight arrows thunk into the Mind Flayer that was going after you a minute ago, Tweet,

and he just flops to the ground. Oh, okay. So one of them's down, and you feel the tide turn... This is only three. ...a little bit in your favor. You make Christmas a lot easier. Well one of them's down, and you feel the tide turn a little bit in your favor. This is only three. Well, that's three down. And the fourth one, as you see Vorenmeier shake his head back and forth,

you realize the fourth isn't looking good. He's in the teeth of a giant bear and is being whipped back and forth. The downside, the two new enemies are still looking pretty pretty pretty. Well, yeah, nobody's tagged them yet. No, and they're both using their round to do some stuff. So the armored guy on the horse

just makes a loud gurgling sound and cocks his head back. And you think this might be what a mind flayer does in lieu of laughing. Look away. None of you speak undercommon, do you? Nope. Okay. Well, he says something in a strange language. And

the big guy, the giant bus on two legs, plants both of his feet hard in the dirt and cocks his club arm back. Tweed,weet your up. I'm going to

fly down behind the guy on the horse and I have a little spell called web and I'm going to web his entire head down. And I'll just face tentacles and eyes and tentacles and face and tentacles and eyes and tentacles and face and tentacles and eyes and tentacles.

Etc. So. I conjure Dexterity saving throw is about to happen. He only gets a plus one. Ooh. He fails.

So all of a sudden, his head is covered in webs, and you completely take the wind out of his cocky moment of laughing. Oh, good. Bodhi, I know you're in the middle of checking Spotify for new pink songs. No, I'm looking for more Bodhi quotes. Oh, good. Bodhi, I know you're in the middle of checking Spotify for new pink songs. No, I'm looking for more Bodhi quotes. Oh, okay. I think it's time for you to invent some Bodhi quotes. Little hand says it's time to rock and roll.

All right, Bodhi, what are you going to do? Big hand says four. Show us rock and roll. Yes. Which of the three guys are you going after? The one who's in the bare mouth, the big armored dude who's cocking his arm back, or the guy on the horse? Yeah, the big armored dude. I'm going to try to knock his arm off.

I'm going to say he's really big. You're going for the attack arm? Yeah. What part? What's he got in his hand? A rock club? Yeah, like a long rock. in his hand? A rock club? Yeah, like a long rock. Is his hand armored?

His hand isn't armored, right? He's wearing armor. You size up his arm. It's not armored, but it's really thick. I want to cleave at his hand. Try to knock his hand off. All right. It's kind of farish away

so you're using your bonus action I'm going to say to steer your steed over to his hand. You get two attacks. You'll take the 17? 17, yeah. Oh, nice.

Damn. 14. 19. Great, and that's just the first attack, right? No, that was the second. Oh, okay. Just a 6. Okay. So I have a 14 and a 6. attack right no that was the second okay just a six okay so you hack at his his hand a couple of times it doesn't really owe any fire damage though mm-hmm okay

mm-hmm you get to each and you're definitely hurting it good it good the elves notice what you're doing and they decide to follow your lead as far as who to focus on for the most part so I'm just gonna I did a number randomizer you guys are gonna have to just trust me on this one that I'm basically rolling computer dice I just want to speed this up a little bit and yeah he takes more damage in his arm doesn't stop his arm but you see six arrows just land his attack iron a couple of them charge. You're really distracting me with your jerk-off motion. I really hope this is a good dice roll.

He's warming up the die. Vorenmayer tries to bite in half and doesn't quite do it. This guy's still incapacitated. Then a couple of guys are going to go after the mind flayer on a horse.

And they both swing and attack and miss. But they like that you've done that and tried to take advantage of it. All right. Tom, finally, at long last. I'm going to jerk off on him. Do it. Oh, okay. Firebolt.

Go for it. Ten. And this is which guy? And four. Big guy. Fourbolt. Go for it. 10. And this is which guy? And four. Big guy. 14. Great. I got a regular old 10-4 gun, buddy.

Keep your shiny side up and your greasy side down. All right. Come back. Please. I'm talking to my wife. Come back. Big guy Do you remember

Super Mario Brothers? No What was that? I didn't see Batman vs. Super Mario Brothers There's a third tier antagonist In Super Mario Brothers called Bob-omb This guy looks like If you took a bus flipped it up

on its back like that tall and then it was the the dimensions of a bob-omb except instead of two big oval eyeballs in the middle it's just armor uh he uh uh whips up the rock and uh gets quite a fancy little strength modifier. And he plunks it down. First of all, we're going to roll. Let's just roll. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is this one.

He hits only one elf, and it's not you. And does... It's not an elf. Can somebody lend me two six-sideds? Yes. I ran out of six-sideds. That's not good. One more, one more.

Thank you. Oh, Jesus. And he does 8, 10, uh, uh, okay, hang on. I gotta do maths. 10,

21, plus to do maths. 10. 21 plus he does 29 points of damage. Jesus. To who? On Rue McClanahan. He does 29 points

of damage to uh Lanewin. Oh, Lanewin. That was my favorite. He does 29 points of damage to Lainawin. Oh, Lainawin. That was my favorite. And he's kind of mostly just intestines at this point. The guy who's webbed in the head is not happy about it. Sure.

He tries to pull it off and fails. He's still wrestling with webbing on his head. That's good. Webbing on. You are up, Twee. All right. Well, then I'm going to light up the web on his head. A la peanut butter sandwiches.

Firebolt him. Firebolt the flaming web. Firebolt the flaming web. Sorry, what's a... 2D10. At this point. Ooh. 19. No, no, no, no. No, no, no, 19. Ooh. Uh, 19.

No, no, no, no. No, no, no, 19. Sweet. So, uh, you toast this guy. The webbing kind of catches fire. It blows in the breeze. It's real, real ugly. So this guy's, the web that's encased in this guy's head is all... His head's basically on fire at this point. Yeah.

Boaty, you're up. Um, okay, cool. I'm gonna... Do I have one left? How many... Have I raged three times? Yes. Okay. So, um... Stick with that, right?

Uh-huh. Stick with what works now oh you got a you got a crit now what are you what part of the the big guy are you attacking his hand I want to cut his fucking hands holding this I mean that's his big weapon so fuck him okay I mean i'm going just drop your sword and fuck him um no so that'd be weird uh let me bust out the crit table and please roll 100 sir okay would you would you please yeah i'll do that i'll roll 100 watch me you're gonna watch me one You gonna watch me roll? Hot dirt. Alright.

Watch me roll this shit. Yeah. I'm gonna watch the shit out of you roll this shit. Fucking watch it. Fucking watch it you roll. Oh shit. Oh my god. That's a 90 right? Yeah.

Alright. This is gonna be the prettiest of all the crits. Out of 20. So roll for damage, please. Yeah. 16. Okay. So we're going to double that. Yeah. 16. Okay.

So we're going to double that. So this one attack does 32 points of damage. You hit him right in the top of the wrist. Good. Okay. So that's the first thing that happens. There goes his tennis game. The second thing that you notice happens,

basically on the crit table, this is the following combination. Wound, disarm, stuck, and confused. So his hand springs open and the club flops to the ground.

Yay. That's the disarm. wound is uh he uh you see a little tendon just kind of go and uh there's a there's a rip where you see muscle tissue okay in the back of his giant wrist uh it starts twitching um he starts waving the hand around like he can't find the club anymore, but he really wants it. So this arm longer than you is just going, like, kind of waving around like a wiffle bat, making a noise. Can he not see? And then he puts a knee down on the ground trying to find his balance. Oh, he's protesting.

Roll an investigation check. Just you. Because you're up close and personal. I'm going to give you a free investigation. Great. So you get the sense this is probably some kind of ogre that has been decapitated. Oh, okay. And is attacking.

So he's undead, right? Yeah, and you get... So by piecing this together, you think this might be a vampire on the horse, and these are his servants. Oh, okay. His deal is he may like to not have minions with heads. Okay. Hey, guys.

Let's kill the fucker on the horse. All right. I'm game. Yeah, I'm going to refocus my attack. He's a family man. I will say, yeah. What can I do? Can I get the club away from this?

Am I big enough to carry the club? You take a look at the club on the ground, and you don't think there's any way you could pick it up. God, that guy's this strong, huh? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm pretty fucking strong. He has a natural strength that is over 20. I'm a 19. No, no, no, no. He's a natural strength that is over 20. I'm a 19. He's an ogre.

Yeah. This guy is, again, supernatural. He's got a lot of things against him. He's got a basically a He's got like a one

in several of his categories but his strength is very high did I do two attacks just now though or did I just do one yeah you get one more you could do one more attack but you get to pick if it's the vampire

or do you think I should try to take this guy even more out of commission? Well, if we take out the vampire, I'll probably fuck the other guy up. So, yeah. Up to you. Hmm.

Yeah, this guy kind of feels like... I think you fucked up his attacking orb pretty good. You think at the very least Yeah, this guy kind of feels like... I think he fucked up his attacking arm pretty good. Yeah. You think at the very least this ogre is going to be a hazard. You don't know what he's going to do attack-wise. I'll say all you guys have the common sense, once Bodhi shouts out what's going on, to go,

oh, the vampire is probably controlling all of them. Where's Fortenberry, dude? out what's going on to go oh like the vampire is probably controlling all of them um hey uh hey Fort buried once once you get this information tweet do an arcana check for me please to know you definitely this whole thing piques your interest a little bit based off what you've been learning about necromancy. Okay. I'm going to take my attack at the guy on the horse. Go for it. He's still got flaming web and he can't see.

So you've got maybe one more round of a unique opportunity to catch him unaware. Okay, cool. Yeah, I'm going to try to do something. That one. Yep. That's a hit. Nine.

Cool. So Flaming Sword hits him right in the midsection, and he realizes that this is not going the way he thought it would. So he's going to react before you get a chance, Tom, to hop back into the action. Okay. Oh, okay. Flaming.

He suddenly turns uh in circles he's he sort of pivots on this horse and starts doing a weird spin and you're like oh this is some spooky vampire uh lich type shit um foreign mire uh bites down hard and that last lich with the metal spike the mind flare lich thing that i put together uh

gets just snapped in half uh he drops it on the ground um unfortunately at this point the the headless ogre snapped in half. He drops it on the ground. Unfortunately, at this point, the headless ogre is really distracting to your little mini army, and everyone's kind of focused on him because he's now swinging his hands around

trying to find his club, and everybody's trying to duck under it. So most of the guys, and I'm going to again do the computer roll to try and speed this up. Most of the guys, and I'm going to again do the computer roll to try and speed this up, they attack him and do a bunch of damage, but you're kind of alone with the vampire at this point.

Tom, you're up. Fire bolt the vampire. Go for it. Alright, that's a cantor, man. Yeah. Six. Ten. Alright, so fire thuds into him.

Twee, you're up I'm going to cloud of daggers around this guy's flaming head he is now spinning so the cloud of daggers will also be spinning so there's a lot of spinning going on with daggers

there is a plus one difficulty so you have to beat a 16 if you're doing an attack that involves any kind of aim. Okay. I'll let you roll, but you're gonna take a...

How many dice are you rolling? This is 44. I'm going to say... I'm just hoping it's going to cut some tentacles off. You've got to cut the high dice. So you lose a three, but you rolled really high. Yeah, so six. Cool. Eight six or eight.

Some of the daggers just go through the blur and go off into the mist, but you do manage to do a solid amount of damage on them. He is starting to grow. He's looking taller.

Bodhi, you're up. Which guy's getting taller? The ogre? The vamp. Oh, the vamp. Okay, well, I'm attacking him. Go for it. You're going to take a plus two penalty

if you're trying to hit him while he's still spinning. Yep, you still got it. Go while he's still spinning. Yep. Yep, you still got it. Go for damn-dams. Dammers? Damn-dams. Damnity damn-dams. 14.

Nice. But, excuse me. Oh, it's excited. Oh, boy, that burp was gross. Chunky! You want to roll for another attack? You going to swing at him again? Smells like California pizza kitchen.

Do I get another attack? Oh no, that's right. You spent your rage. Yeah, I think so. I'm going to say because you're rolling advantage, you're not exhausted by all this rage. But yeah, so he now is gonna do

his thing. The bright side is Foreignmire's paying attention. He unfortunately rolled a 20 again. So he's done with his transformation. He stopped spinning and he is now... Wonder Woman?

He is now a mass of tentacles. It looks like if you took a bunch of dry spaghetti out of the box in your fist, just tall tentacles, like a celery stalk with just, you know, tendrils on either end, sitting on top of this horse. The horse...

The horse... Oh, that's not good. The horse... The horse... Oh, that's not good. The horse gets broken in half as he starts absorbing the flesh of this horse. And he manages to... He's gonna heal

from the horse he's devouring. I don't like him. He only gets to do this one dice per turn but he gets two points back not much you're up Tui I'm going to cast a hold person on him

I think he gets a wisdom save okay by the way there's crumpled armor on the ground now. Oh, good. This transformation cost him his armor. Good. Fuck him. Okay, so I'm doing a hold person on him.

Great. Go for it. That's it. He has to roll saving throw. And he fails. Ah. So he's held. Yes. I've cast Hold Spaghetti

on him. How long does that last? One turn, in this case. I mean, you're dealing with a vampire mind flayer. So he's also transformed into a monstrosity aberration type thing.

He has a mouth, right? But he cannot scream. You can't see it. Yeah, it's in there someplace. Wilford Brimley has one, but you can't see it. But is there sort of a face? He is a pile of just tendrils. You don't see anything.

I mean, something underneath the tentacles just chewed up a bunch of this horse. But it's facing down. Like this. Imagine my arm is a bunch of tentacles sitting up straight and somewhere in here on the horse is just sucking it up. And maybe up here. This is what he looks like. How tall is he?

He's got a mouth down here and a butthole up there. He's about your height now. He's like eight feet, just kind of like sucking up horse. Logging loose and full of my action. Hey, Sam, can you get a picture of me doing this so I can post it later? This is for the kids. This is what this piece of shit looks like. What was that, Brian? My tibia when I fell off my bike.

What was your question? When'sibia when I fell off my bike What was your question? When's my turn? Am I on him? Yeah, because Tweed just went, right? Yeah, you're up Wait, no, wait Shit, yes, you're up I'm not going to stab him I want to tear at him With my gauntlets

Of ogre power I want to just I'd with my gauntlets of ogre power. I wanna just, I'd love to reach into his face and just pull. All right, well you get a plus seven to hit with this. So give it a shot. A five, it's a 12. No, that's enough oh good you grab a hold of them and uh now do yeah what do i roll do because you just got one in each hand and you're just trying to pull them apart yeah

um he's he's very he's held together by eldritch magic not typical stuff so this is gonna get real interesting if you roll high on a strength check okay I have to roll another roll is just roll a straight up strength check I want to see how high you can get cuz something weird is gonna happen if you just try to pull them 17 okay so you grab hold of two of his tendrils just try to rip and they peel off like string cheese and just fly behind you

okay and he's a little smaller now and two tendrils just flap behind you he takes damage I'm gonna of not say how much damage just type it in here but uh these things just sort of flap around on the ground good um yeah yeah yeah and then here comes his attempt to get out because he is okay so he he definitely manages to break out of the whole person he's not gonna get to attack but he's yeah he's this is that was the only round he's gonna um you're up tom uh while you decide what to do i'm gonna calculate the damage

that uh mr mr uh ogre face is anyone close to him or he's he's like we're facing him off oh hang on i just accidentally accidentally when's a stranger things season two later this month right this is fun time for Halloween I think they tried to time it yeah yeah Matthew Matthew Modine's still dead, right? Spoiler. I'm interested. You decide what to do yet? Yes. What are you going to do?

Is there any way to do him? I'm going to shoot something at him. It might have a little splash damage. I don't want to hurt anybody. Okay. Is it Axe Body Spray? No. Because that'll hurt a lot of people. Go for it.

I don't think you've got to... The only thing is, Bodhi's going to get hit by this. Well, I don't want to hit him. Okay. That's why I was asking if anyone was close. Only him, yeah. But I thought that was a given since he just ripped it Stendral's way. I'll just Firebolt.

Is there any way? You can't do it this turn. You'd have to. I mean, you could try to wind up for it next turn. I like my Firebolt. All right. Seven. All right.

As you hit him with the firebolt, you notice the vamp is not dead. He's not making any cries of noise or nothing, but you hear a thud behind you, and you realize the living bus just tipped over. You think he might be toast oh good he got he is he is a fucking hedgehog of arrows yeah like he's he he got lit up yeah um you could see um forenmeyer turned over to him and and had pried apart some of his armor and some guys were stabbing and opening in the armor. You guys have been left alone dealing with the vamp, but in the meantime, 17 guys managed to take down an ogre.

Well, 16. RIP Lena Wynn. So this fella is going to reach. RIP Lena Wynn. So, uh... This fella... Um... Is gonna reach for... Well, here, let's just... Let's do a good old... This is the vampire in his transformed form.

And he's gonna pick his target, uh... Via dice roll. Uh, he's going after... Oh, Twee. So, uh... Hey, Twee. Mm-hmm. He misses you. going after Tui. So, hey, Tui. He misses you.

Aw, tell him I miss him, too. Also, you're up. Oh. Final countdown? They're great. I'm going to do a little death from above. I'm going to drop down into range, and I'm going to acid wand the top of his head. Please do.

There's a 20. Oh, yeah. So I'm going to acid wand the top of both of his heads. Well, his bottom head is a little taking some damage. Good. What's the damage on that? Let's see. What is it?

15, 12 sides, right? Yeah. I mean, it's Acid Splash. It's the spell that the wand is. It is 1d6 acid damage. Does it change it after 5? At 5th level, it's 2d6.

So do 2d6 for me, please. Twice. He's going to try to do his dex saving throw, but he's got very bad dex in this form. Oh, shit! Why don't you throw an extra dice in there? Because he just botched his saving throw. Nice.

Sure, why not? Eight. Those are so pretty. He's got good dice. They look like candy. I'm going to choke on some later. All right. It was a 20, though, right?

So you get to go up the end or no? Or you double it? Oh, it's double damage, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So eight twice is twenty-nine. Alright. I told you, I'm just no good at biology. Damn, you sucked at Spanish.

He has some weaknesses in his form, but one of his strengths in this form is he's got two heads. So, here goes the other half of him. Gross. That is gonna be... Which one? I gotta pick one of you sorry alright that's gonna be

Tui again so you get a tendril wrapped around a leg and let's see that's going to do 10 damage you realize this tendril

has dozens of little dozens of little hooks in it and it is ripping apart your legs armor or whatever padding you have in your pants is just getting shredded by this thing and it is ripping apart your legs armor. Or whatever padding you have in your pants is just getting shredded by this thing. And yeah, he's got a grip on you. You probably don't want to stay in that grip for very long.

Bodhi, you're up. So Blaine doesn't have a hold on the guy anymore, but he's not, is he trying to Blaine just sprayed it with a bunch of acid, its top half got fucked up, and its bottom half grabbed him. Weird. I'm gonna go back to the sword, and I'm gonna fire sword him again. Great. Chop it.

Extremely. I just chopped at him. Choppy chop. Boop. Nope. Mmm. Boop boop. Swink. Just a ten. I just chopped at him choppy job Swing Everybody wants to giant bone. Yeah, everyone wants to attack that low it doesn't they're all just trying to surround This vamp now. They can't really get a clear shot in with you two around him, and he's grabbing Tui. The top half that got acid sprayed is not happy with Tui, and it grabs a hold of him also. Leave Tui alone.

Leave my friend alone. And that'll be 11 points of damage. How are you doing there, Twee? I'm really not doing well. So it's got both of Twee's legs and is whipping him around. Are you close to being down? I'm down. I'm down pretty low.

Oh, shit. What do we do? Twee is up. I'm going to Dim dimension door out of here. Go for it. Bam. All right. Roll a 20.

If it's over five, you're going to take one tentacle with you. If it's over 10, you're going to take one tentacle with you if it's over 10 you're gonna take two tentacles with you that's good each tentacle you do is gonna cause damage one so you make it out but both of its tentacles uh just kind of pop off of you so that's a good botch. Yeah, you weren't really botching it. That was a little custom roll just to see if teleportation does damage because that is not included in the rulebook.

Trust me, I looked it up because you recently did this versus another boss. There's not a lot of bamfing with boss limbs in the Dungeon Master's Guide. But I definitely... Yeah, tell that to little Stephen at the Christmas party. They should put it in there.

Because the situation occurs. What we lack in not talking over each other we make up for in weirdness. What was that? Fun weirdness. So, yeah, yeah, yeah. Next up we have,

I believe Tom the Bodhi? Tom okay yeah Bodhi just took a swing and a miss who can I turn to okay Vampire is gonna get a I gotta stick with the fireballs it's working slowly but surely

tap I gotta stick with the fire bolts. It's working. I know. Slowly but surely. Ten? Wait a minute. Oh yeah. Seventeen. Jesus. Yeah. Alright, so something wonderful happens.

I couldn't believe I had a ten. You torch this thing and it just sort of... The whole thing turns to ash and blows away with the ghosts. Wow. And you're left with a pile of crumpled vampire armor, a mutilated horse, a dead pile of headless ogre, a bunch of fucked up mind flayers that they turned to dust as well. They were obviously some kind of thralls

of this guy. That's all good. Fornmeyer de-bears himself, grabs his armor and went... Was I on the mic enough? De-Bears.

Thank you, George Wendt. Odenkirk wrote that, I believe. Oh, really? Oh, that's right. He was one of the guys, wasn't he? He sure was. Oh, God. But, you know, and it was also Super Chicago. Oh, God. Oh, I know. That was very popular in. Oh, God. Oh, I know. Yeah.

That was very popular in my hometown. Bobby. So, Tweed, what are your hit points at? I'm just curious. What were they at before that dice roll, too? I was down to seven. Jeez Louise. You just got back up to what is that?

Yeah, yeah. 21. 21. Total. By the way, Gago did not fuck with this fight. Oh, Gago. Where the fuck is Gago, Ben?

What's his fucking problem? He, we're going to give it to him when he gets back. He's been really fucked up. He had a weird episode. Yeah, that's right. A few episodes ago,

he got hit with a psychic attack and he does not have very high intelligence. Really? Yeah. With Gago. He's just been kind of hiding, trying to avoid conflict. Come back, Gago. Or close.

But you've got to stop fighting vampires. It's freaking me out. Well, tell them to stop trying to kill us. As Vorenmeyer puts his armor back on and definitely takes his time with it, he's enjoying just being the naked leader who doesn't give a shit. He's a hippie, you know, these guys, these elves.

He's still, yeah, he's an elf again, but he's still a bear. Do you know what I mean? So he tells you he believes that was Count Zelor, who lives in the castle. That's one of the guys. Mm-hmm. Yeah, you took out one of the main vamps. Well done. he says with one caveat

Count Zellor is a mind flayer and the legend of Count Zellor goes a little something like this once was a count named Zellor his butt was a real big fat smell-or there was a count named Zellor. His butt was a real big fat smell-or. There was a clutch of these mind flayers that came up out of the underdark.

With my golfing friend Fuzzy Zellor. So a long, long, long time ago, these guys came out. Oh my God, you guys are interrupting. Jesus fuck. We have a special kind of Tourette's. Oh god. With Actazol. I've had biopsies that were less distracting than this.

So, yeah, it's it goes like this. So he thinks that those headless mind flayers used to be part of the same clutch as Count Zellor. Count Zellor beheaded his former hive mates, whatever you want to call them. He was controlling his... Because usually a mind flayer is like a nest.

There's like a community of them that function as one. And they have an elder brain that sort of guides them all that is sort of like uh the the thing and he says so you've you've clearly killed the lead mind flayer that is count zellor but they're likely back at the castle is still an elder brain that is perhaps as much Count Zellor as this mind flare. It doesn't have much mobility. It is likely rooted to the castle. Which castle was it?

It is way up here. Oh, the way I want it. So unless you want to go hunt it down. Ah, fuck it. I don't want to go. But yeah, yeah. It's a long distance. Fuck you.

You basically killed half of Count Zellar. Whatever the next task at hand is first. Well, the goal, I believe, is still to head up to meet the exiled Count Barriss. Right. He's in his former dwarven city. Our old buddy. So you guys start heading north through the mist. Cool.

How much time are we looking at? We're right at the edge of our time. Right up, you're going to head up to the dwarven city and meet your friend Comberis, provided you don't have any more run-ins with vamps. That would be an episode 28, I'm guessing. I would say that maybe this would be a good time to do a little Leomund's tiny hut and rest up.

Oh, yeah. Is Blaine back? Twee's healed up enough to function. All right, well, let's heal up. Yeah, I'm still going to take a couple of half days. You've barely got pants anymore, though. I don't think I took any hits. You've healed back most of the skin on your legs,

but your pants are kind of mostly gone at this point. Hey, man. I don't think I took any hits. You've healed back most of the skin on your legs, but your pants are kind of mostly gone at this point. Hey, man. My pants are gone. Story of my life. So, and, yeah, you guys, you're down another vampire.

Very good. I like it. Guys, we're doing it. That was fun. As always, check BrianPoussain.com for my stand-up dates

and I also tweet in Facebook about them. Well, I don't. Oh, and you guys

have been cool. My old pal Johnny Kropp handles all my web stuff now. That guy. Nice.

He was like my high school buddy who was in computer class with me, and I failed computer class. And that's what Johnny does for a living. That's like when MC Hammer brought up all his friends for his entourage. I'm a lot like MC Hammer. I mean, there's just so many parallels between you. Especially in the pants area. Oh, yeah, yeah.

My genie pants. You are also too legit to quit. Hey, hey. Farting. Whoa, he really did it. It's true. He can't stop farting. Hey, you know, he's sitting on a white chair, too. That's not a did it. It's true. He can't stop farting. Hey, you know...

He's sitting on a white chair, too. That's not a white chair. Not for long. Hey, if we're looking for new sponsors, can I get LensCrafters? Because I can't see through my glasses. Thanks for listening to another episode of NerdPoker. You can follow us at patreon.com slash nerdpoker

and you get bonus episodes from there. And you can also send us anything at P.O. Box 16069 Encino, California 91416. Thanks for listening. You're not done