Nerd Poker - Episode 28 - Churn Worms

Episode Date: August 22, 2018

The battlefield is only getting uglier as medium-sized serpent-dragons of the black chromatic variety start tunneling under the battlefield Tremors-style and swallowing horses. Orcs and kobolds pile onto our heroes in layer after layer. The gigantic dragon Storndor lands, and whoops, his armor class is higher than 20. Twee's quest to open a portal is being carefully timed, but will it even out as the battle gets bloodier? Will the crew resort to desperate measures? We welcome back Chris Tallman as Typha, and a special thanks to engineer Sam for turning the volume way down on the dragon roars.

Hey everybody, this is hard for me. A friend of the show and a friend of mine, she was going to be a guest on the show soon. She was a singer for the band Huntress and another band called Starbreakers and is all over my comedy metal record that I'm working on. Jill Janis is no longer with us. There's a memorial at the Rainbow Barn Grill in Los Angeles this Friday evening at 9 p.m. If you would like to pay tribute to her and stop by, say, we are here for Jill to enter the club to donate, which I'm doing.

I unfortunately will not be able to be at the rainbow, but donate to the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention at AFSP.org. And man, if you have friends that you know are suffering from depression and that kind of thing, uh, reach out to them, check in on him. That's all I got. Thanks. Kill the oafs, slay the oafs, destroy the oafs Kill the oafs, slay the oafs Hey everybody, I'm Brian Poussin. Comedian, writer, actor, nerd. I've been playing D&D with my friends for a long time.

I decided to do a new podcast where we play Dungeons & Dragons in my very own dining room. With my wife, kid, and my noisy dogs. So meet my friends... Sarah Ken, Blaine. Now it's time for another episode of Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker Season 2. Hey everybody, I'm Brian Poussaint. You're listening to Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker. Episode 28. Hi, friends. Hello. Sarah. No, Blaine.

Chris Tallman sitting in again for Blaine. That is something Blaine would do if he was here. Thanks for coming back, Chris. Thank you for having me. I'm excited to kill off this character. Yes. Let's do it. Price is last stand.

Yep. You guys are surrounded by several hundred kobolds, some medium-sized dragon worm serpents, some orcs that are buried under some of the kobolds and are probably still in fighting condition. You just don't know where they are right now because they've been swarmed. There's a chromatic dragon flying overhead, and

Tui is trying to make a second portal for you guys to teleport to. I hope that works out. Sounds like a fried egg fight. Oh, thank you, Tom. Sounds like a fried egg fight? Sounds like a fried egg fight. And if we're just

to take a quick glance through the comment order, and we will because the Patreons will be thanked in a special way for the second episode in a row, we are back to Typha, I believe. I'm going to, I would like to attack, but I unfortunately don't have much in the way of weaponry. You said there's all these people around. Can I do a perception and see if... Is there like an orc?

Yeah, roll a 20. I'm trying to find a dropped orc weapon rather than a kobold weapon. That plus my bonus. I have an 18. All right, so you don't see any decent dropped weapons. However, about a turn away, it would take

you a little quick jog. You noticed that the big guy, the big general guy. The guy who's going wilding. Who's frenzying near Tom and Bodhi. He's like 15 feet tall.

He's fucking enormous. But he's got extra weapons strapped to his back. Okay. So he's really distracted by combat. But you see some hilts sticking out of scabbards and straps on his back. Is it realistic to think that I could without crazy risk of damage? You'd have to definitely

thief that shit off of an active combatant. I think he's telling you because it's doable. I'm going to go do it. Okay, that's my plan. Cool. You would be leaving the horses to Master Magnus, who is on

one of the horse's backs just flailing around with a wand. I'm on my way over there. I would also just say to him, you're in charge of the horses. He goes, what? The horses. Okay. He actually puts his wand away and you get the impression he's glad to have a job that doesn't involve

attacking because he's not doing great at it. That's better for him. Don't forget about the crazy evil girl who's on one of the horses. He kind of just sneers at you and nods because he has a complicated history with the crazy evil girl. Yes.

You are up. Esmeralda. Do I see Typha looking like she wants? She's headed towards you guys. Yeah. She's headed towards you, Bodhi and Tom. You're a little closer than those two. Is there a way that I can roll?

Like Sarah heard this whole thing and knows that she needs a weapon. Is there a way that I can roll? Like Sarah heard this whole thing and knows that she needs a weapon. Is there a way that I can see if Esmeralda might realize or think? Because she has both a battle axe and a sword, so I think she might want to help out Typha. It's okay if no. Roll a 20 with a penalty of negative one for all the crowd roaring around you. It's the perception. 10? of negative one for all the crowd roaring around you it's the perception um 10 uh yeah you just you just see uh off to the side back where you came from that taifa is yelling something and master

magnus and making her way towards you and you notice she doesn't have a weapon in her hand um okay i don't have the um the stats for that green jewel sword. Can you tell me what it just is? Yeah, one sec. You know it has an additional magic effect. I know the water effect, but I just didn't know what the, like what is my, what's the damage or whatever, so I can compare it to what I have. All right.

This would be pre-Magic Effect. Sorry, I gotta pull this up on D&D Beyond. This is brought to you by a commercial that was one of my favorites growing up for a store called Doors Unlimited. And the motto went, Doors Unlimited,

Unlimited Doors. That's amazing. unlimited doors. This sword That's amazing. This sword does 1d8 plus 2 slashing damage. 1d8 plus 2 slashing. Great. So make a note of that on your sheet, would you please?

Okay, I will, yes. 1d8 plus 2 slashing. I'm going to toss it or I'm going to give it to Sypha so I don't have to roll. Sure. I'll take it uh it's a

long sword it's a jeweled green jeweled sword she's making her way towards you and uh all of a sudden you got this sucker in your hand taifa as we uh do now you actually can take a second attack if you want to do it do an action and i will okay and for my second attack i'm going to um throw this grain potion but my last remaining grain potion into the crowd of kobolds okay uh you uh pull back and toss it and i'm gonna say you're gonna do a roll let's make it a jungle let's say athletics roll your athletics for this to see if you can get it into a good crowd

is there any special type of area you want to hit whatever the most densely packed I guess area is because we're not exactly sure what it does some type of tar or sticky 11 great There it is. Because we're not exactly sure what it does. Some type of tar or sticky. Mm-hmm. 11. Great.

Okay. Did you add your bonus? Yeah. All right. So this thing lands, and it only hits like five of the kobolds. But as it lands, you hear this loud crack, like really just insane, lightning-level crack as it hits. And it sort of spiders out these long, thick green legs almost seem to reach out and try to grab at stuff. And a couple of them just like they get really thin, almost wire thin and just like look like they pierce a couple of the kobolds.

a couple of the kobolds, and then you hear another crack as it all slams together and you see like a catamari domicey like ball of just like this weird green muck that there's five kobolds stuck in. Cool. And they look like they're severely injured. So we don't know their names yet. It's funny you should say that. These dead kobolds are named

Voxige, Crittenden, Borer Wolfgang, These dead kobolds are named Votesege, Crittenden, Borer Wolfgang, Vymik Godhater, and Kemi Stanton. Kemi. That's awesome. Thanks, guys.

Excellent murdering. And that'll take us back to Tom what do I see what's going on right here you see what looks like a giant pile of cobalt is about to crash into you they're right in your face you think you're gonna

get hit by fewer than you would have if Master Jendi hadn't cast a spell against them but you are gonna get hit cast a fireball all right you're definitely gonna hit him i think i will nine nine nine damage yeah all right

so you kill one kobold named eric bojan shoots eric and then we're gonna go to just a kobold named eric it's really eric bojan shoots the kobold

he lived a long life he was an elder kobold well yeah is really. Eric Bojan shoots the kobold. He lived a long life. He was an elder kobold. Oh. Yeah, well. That's sad. He did some great things. Alright, you're up, Bodhi. He's a kobold. It's okay. Oh, is that

Dragon Neck still in front of me? Mm-hmm. And he's probably got an attack coming soon. Yeah, he lost his turn from getting critical in the face. Okay. So this turn is going to be a little more interesting for him. However, you rolled, well, you didn't roll high, but you're early in the combat order

because you and Tom initiated this sort of melee. I'm going to go again on this guy. Go for it. 20. Wait, natural? No. Okay, I got very excited again on this guy. Go for it. 20. Wait, natural? No. Okay, I got very excited again. Damn it.

Great, roll your damage. Oh, nice. Fuck, that's high. Is it over 15? Yeah, no, it is 15. 15 okay this thing is real fucked up good work cool uh big old uh uh i mean do you got an advantage on it but do another dex check before you can roll attack oh really yeah yeah you dodge out of some more acid blood flies past you. That's not super.

12? Great. Okay, hits? Yeah, and... Okay, 10. Damage. All right, so this guy crashes to the ground. Good.

He is toast. Go to sleep. Up next, we have this guy. Tom, rising out of the ground in front of you is another one of those dragons. Good. He roars at your face. Are these like the tremors? The creatures that we already talkedors creatures the ones that dug in

these are like long worm dragons they're over 50 feet long like in tremors so their bodies are somewhere up how long are the tremors creatures because I don't remember these things are really long and they're as wide as a bus so maybe they're kind of tremorsy

I'm just trying to get a visual but their bodies are still up there we saw them dig their heads Yeah. All right, so maybe they're kinda tremors-y. Okay. What were you saying? I was trying to get a visual. But their bodies are still up there. We saw them dig their heads there. Their back ends have gone all the way underground. Oh, they did, so they're underground. Okay, cool, okay. And this one's popping up in front of Tom.

Okay, gotcha. He rolled well against your AC. He rolled well against your AC. Oh, is this brought to you by fans of Greta Van Fleet? Come on, Posey. Don't be a dick. We heard what you said last episode. Tom, you take 17 points of damage as this thing grabs you and slams you against the ground

I'm going to use my uncanny dodge skill since I saw it coming did you? well you said I see before me a dragon come out of the ground well now I'm going to look up the rules you see it, but you didn't see it coming so much as

do do because it's not your turn, but it is, let's see, one attacker that you can see, yes. Hits you with attack, yes. You can use your reaction to have the damage against you. Okay, so you take half. However, you're still in the grip of one of its arms as it slams you.

And then a wave of kobolds hits both you and Bodhi. That's a hit. All right, so Tom a bunch of kobolds just sort of cover you and the worm and they try to stab at you and the worm they're attacking the worm too

no but they're like just scrambling just all over the fucking place and you take nine damage from their Spears as four of them stab you Brian the kobolds rolled a 20 against you okay so badass he doesn't care man fucking it's just a game you guys they're not your dad are they are they wait a minute could i talk to them for a minute

all right so you're covered in kobolds how to throw a baseball you feel your feet rock back and forth as there there is more pressure being applied to you from kobolds than there is ground under the flats of your feet and you take 21 points of damage as you have about 10 of these things stab you okay fucking kobold maybe the kobolds could take you to go see that Empire Strikes Back movie and you guys could just have some ice cream and talk about how great that movie was Esmeralda and Typha

don't get hit but you think you're gonna get hit next turn as you just see these things okay swarming one of the other dragon medium sized dragon comes bursting out of the ground dragon medium sized dragon comes bursting out of the ground next to the horses

oh great our precious horses I'm sure Mr. Magnus will be just fine although he's undead you just see one of the horses disappear as it slams its face into it and buries itself back in the ground.

But Dex wasn't on the back or whatever dumb shit. No, it was an empty horse. Okay. It was... How many horses were there? Eight. Tom, you lost your horse. Where? You should get your money back for these horses

underground in the tum tums of uh I call them the churn worms I only paid a gold bar for them no big deal those were the horses before these are the horses our second set of horses

I paid for all our horses down the road I paid for every horse horses down the road. These horses, yeah. I paid for every horse ever used in the game. Jendi's going to cast a spell. You see the main orc all of a sudden grab at his temple and flop onto his back as Jendi waves her hand. Nice. Tom, you're up.

All right. As you begin to deal with the fact that you are absolutely covered in kobolds, Tom, you hear a great roaring in the sky closer than before. All right. Is that, what's it, black door? Storm door. Storm door.

All right, I'm going to attack the. You hear. Ow. Ow. Oh, my. Sorry, people sitting at your desk Or in your car I'm sorry for my friends but not the listeners Jogging around the lake or whatever the fuck

On their stationary bike If you just fell onto the floor of bally's We'll put a warning right in the front of the description of this episode This is warning Dan is a huge acoustic asshole In this episode I am going to Sneak attack The dragon just to add some damage I am going to sneak attack the dragon

just to add some damage how can you sneak attack a dragon? it's time to look up the rules for sneak attack let's return, you can deal an extra 5d6 damage to one creature you hit with an attack with finesse or a ranged weapon if you have advantage on the attack

you could not have less advantage on an attack also, this enemy is currently obscured by on the attack or if I have advantage on the attack. You could not have less advantage on an attack. Also, this enemy is currently obscured by kobolds. You don't need advantage on the attack or else another enemy of the target is within five feet of it. You're not within five feet of a dragon. I thought it was on me.

The one in the sky? Oh, the one that grabs. Your worm. You don't have advantage because it's grabbing you. I mean, there's no way to have advantage on something that's grabbing you. I'm just going to attack you. Go for it. Roll your 20.

Roll your 20 and beat a 12. I'm using my super sword. Great. That's certainly a hit. Roll for your damage. What is my damage against? D6. Now we're going to look up here.

Finally, he has to look at his paper sheet, ladies and gentlemen. I'm trying to make it easier. Sorry. No, thank you. I'm teasing you because I can, not because I enjoy it. Do you guys all use that app, that D&D Beyond app? That's what I've been using. He just got me to. You have to be connected to the internet.

It's cool, but I think if you could use it offline, right? But the sheets that you can make with it are awesome. It's hard for us to use here because we can't use our phones. Right. Yeah, I mean, we could try using them again. Listeners, we just sort of reinforced our cords to try to resist some digital interference because we had a run of

episodes where you just heard that. Well, Ken's been using it. He has, and I haven't heard anything. It's just hard to navigate. I think our system's better now. I also keep it up. Yeah, it's just hard to navigate. I think our system's better now. I also keep it up. Great, babe. So if it's a critical hit. I blew the verb at you.

So gross. That's revenge for the horrible mic scream that I made. This isn't a crit. Thank you for doing that to him. Whatever parts per million of what was in your innards is in my nostrils now. Yes, please keep talking while I cry. And I said great babe.

There was some Chinese food. I don't know what the regular damage is. If it's a critical hit, I roll a 20. That's a classic D&D move. Was that General Tso's chicken? Yeah, did you get that? Yeah, did you get that Chinese mustard? yeah. Did you get that Chinese mustard? Say it one more time, Ken.

I was literally crying from the disgusting food. This is the super cool needle sword that you came up with. So if it's a critical hit, I roll a 20 and that many. Did you get a 20 with your bonus? Yes.

Well, then there we go. Okay, excellent. Critical is 20. Yes. Well, then there we go. Okay. Excellent. Critical is 20. Your bonus counts towards a critical? For this specific weapon, it does, yeah. Because it's about how pure the strike is. It's a homebrew weapon.

It's like cheating. Anybody start Castle Rock on Hulu? I really want to watch it. I'm excited for it. I started. Is it good? I like it. I'm in. I mean, I was in just because it's called Castle Rock.

Me too. That's why I feel like I'm more excited about that. You'll dig it. Great. I didn't watch Mr. Mercedes, but I read all those books. But I want to watch that somewhere, too. There's more than one Mr. Mercedes book? 23. There's three. Oh, I didn't know that. Well, there I want to watch that somewhere too. There's more than one Mr. Mercedes book? 23.

There's three. Oh, I didn't know that. Well, there's a series. Yeah, yeah. They're not called all Mr. Mercedes, but it's the same characters. Yeah, yeah. Well, yeah. Spoiler. You're able to pierce through this thing's ribs.

Another guy. With this white hot beam of light just kind of shoots in there with your sword, and you see it just coursing through the blade. However, you get splashed with two damage of acid as blood sprays out of this thing because it's still on top of you and there's no, no way to dodge when something's bleeding on you and grabbing you at the same time.

But you, you screwed it up real. Yeah, exactly. You're just in a blood rapture. You're up Bodhi. Oh, and by the way, by the time this episode airs, you'll be able to pre-order

my book. Oh, yay! At places where you would do that. I will... Well, no, there's like... Well, my publisher said don't push everybody towards Amazon, that there's a bunch of other great places for people to use. And people still use Barnes & Noble. It'll be

there in pre-sale. Buy them in all of those places. Buy a bunch of them. You can read it on a nook. Isn't that a thing? Sure. Or a cubby. Is it my turn again? He means the digital device.

Yes. You botched? No, I didn't. Cool, Bodhi botched. Yeah, you haven't rolled yet. Is it my turn? It sure is, and there's a dead worm on the ground in front of you. But I'm kind of overtaken by these dipshits, right? Yeah, they're all over you.

All right. Well, my first move. You've got a thin coating of kobolds on you. all over you. You've got a thin coating of cobalt on you. I'm going to try to shake them off before I slash. Sweet. That will be

an athletics check. Difficulty will vary. You tell me what your athletics roll is. I'll tell you how many you can shake off or what percentage of them you can shake off. 14. many you can shake off okay or what percentage of them you can shake off uh 14 cool that is pretty good uh you get like your upper torso off but they're still clinging to your legs okay you get two more now i'm gonna slash great at the ones at my legs great actually stabby slashy great stabby slashy time oh

this is not good roll a 100. i know how it works i know it's yeah Roll a 100. I know how it works. I know. It's, yeah. You just got a critical. You just think of the happy times. 52.

52 is not bad at all. I shit my pants forever. Which is looking only like about another minute. Yeah. I have a lot of, I'm going to last. Oh, good. I'm going going to last you guys might all die but I'll still be swinging till I die

I'll be the last man standing you ping your sword off of a kobold's armor and it hits you in the leg for one damage it's no big deal at all I didn't think it was alright bro we're on the same team but still I'm the good kind of bro though All right, bro. We're on the same team, but still.

No, everyone's a little... I'm the good kind of bro, though. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm like Greg Barrett when he drank. Is that good? Yeah, in a fight, he was awesome. I was going to say, he's infamous for that, though. Yeah, yeah. Watching him punch people on the streets of San Francisco was incredible.

Me and Tom Rhodes were both like, that is the best thing I've ever seen. Because these dudes were fucking with us and Barron just turned into drunk Superman. The Incredible Hulk of San Francisco. Yeah, yeah. Wow. That's a 20.

Matt? No. Okay. Roll for your damage. You'll be a backhand slash. Is that what you're kind of doing here? Nine. Okay. Roll for your damage. It'll be a backhand slash. Is that what you're kind of doing here? Nine on, yeah. All right, so you take out two more kobolds

by the name of Joel Aspirin Cakes and just Dave. Just Dave. All right. One more attack, I believe, right? that no that was you you you yeah you shook loose botch attack yep all right so that brings us to attack jandy is going to attack the butt of the dragon that ate a horse i'm gonna write that show i was. I was just going to say,

that's my favorite Chris Van Dusen book. Magnus is guiding the horses closer to the portal. He's trying to herd them. Girls read Chris Van Dusen? I don't know who that is. Did we miss a turn, or was it just because we were set so far back? I wrote some great kids' books.

Check them out. It's just because you were set back, they hadn't hit you. I didn't skip you guys. You are in fact up. I had to do like a... I made up a running order that put Magnus and Jendi ahead of you

so it feels lopsided. You are up. Typha. I guess now that I have my sword, is there combat? Am I about to be swarmed? You sure are. My only question is,

you know Typha by the night. Would Typha get... Only a little bit. You've embodied Typha. But would she... At this moment, knowing we're about to be swarmed, would she be like,

oh shit, for the good of everybody, is it time to get this dipshit wizard girl in here to do something? It's either she's going to die or I'm going to set her free and hopefully she does the right thing. Oh, shit. I think that you, Chris Tallman, even though you're merely a guest, it would please me greatly if you made the human choice of what to do.

I would say Typha would be conflicted. In her hand, she has a powerful magical sword that was recently identified as containing the power of a sea god. Oh, a Typha foon. Oh, then I have to kill people. Fucking nerd. Yeah, you're right. I know who Poseidon is.

No, then Typha's going to finally live out her dream. I believe it's Umbri. Is that what it was? I don't know. Umberley. Umberley. Typha's finally going to live out her dream and be a soldier and wail on these fuckers. Yes.

I do think Typha would consider freeing Dessa. She is a fan of the underdog. She ran an inn in an impoverished corner of a city and so she would empathize but underdog yeah this is very disenfranchisingly but sword no i think i think i think go swing at fuckers how close am i to one of these dragon like the for example the dragon that's hitting tom How close am I to one of these dragons? Like, for example, the dragon that's hitting Tom.

You are kind of a turn away from it. You'd have to run over there. Okay, then I guess I would be... There's going to be a wave of kobolds hitting you this turn regardless. All right, then I'll swing away at as many goddamn... Roll a 20-sided dice and some stuff is going to happen. I guess it would be... If I'm calling it as a long sword my regular with my regular would be a bonus for that I got a 13 okay that's a hit so

what roll a d8 and add two for total okay as you, you only hit one kobold with the sword. You hit a kobold by the name of Turgid Girth. That is somebody who actually gave us their D&D character's name. you see springing out of your sword what looks like an extension of the sword made of solid ice that just like cuts all the way through it and hits another target why don't you go ahead

and roll a 2d6 please roll 2 total of 8 great and so you just knock the head off of a second one. Nice. And you have discovered a spell that comes with this sword. Guys, it's an ice blade. Yes.

The sword basically doubles in length and does 2d6 additional damage either to the same target or an additional target. In this particular case, there's one right on top of... They kind of have to be smushed together for it to hit a second target. Muzzle top. Yes. And also, I believe when that happens,

the person who's turn it is next, Esmeralda, you would kind of go, yeah, that's my sword. You're welcome. Sisters are doing it for themselves. You do get a second attack, I believe. Oh, yeah. Sweet. Then I'll do that again. Try and chop off as many fuckers

as I can. That would be a 14. Great. That's a hit. That's five with the d8. And then another seven in the ice damage. Oh, great.

So you just cleaved another kobold in half. Great. By the name of Lord McUnicorn. You're up, Esmeralda. Okay, so first I'm going to use my special war magic abilities, which let me do a cantrip and then a weapon attack. Excellent. That's my bonus action.

So I'm going to do, can I see the tremors? What are they called? Sidewind. Churnworms? Churnworms. I got it now. It's in here. Churnworms.

Can I see a churnworm? Yes, you can. There is one wrestling tom not that far away. It would take you a turn to get over there if you were to get in melee range. And is that the only one I can see? Yeah, it's about 20 feet away. One of them's dead. One of them's underground.

Or its butt is like starting to go. And then what else is there? The big orcs? What's going on with them? The big orc is on his back, buried in kobolds, and you can kind of see his form swing from side to side, so he's still alive, but he is... And wasn't he grabbing his head?

Didn't he sort of like... Master Jendi cast some kind of spell on him that knocked him to the ground. Okay, I'm going to cast Frostbite on the worm that Tom is wrestling with. Okay. So that causes a numbing frost to form on one creature that you can see within range.

Target must make a constitution saving throw. It did not make the saving throw, so. So, and it takes 2d6. That's pretty good. At my level. For a spell that's like frostbite, it sounds like you might just, you know, get a tingly finger. It's pretty good. At my level. For a spell that's like Frostbite, it sounds like you might just get a tingly finger. It's pretty good damage.

Yeah. Yeah, I mean, it only took five. That's not great. It's a cantrip. It'll hurt. Yeah. It's fine. Cast that shit, it will.

Does it keep freezing? All right, so what's the other spell? Well, the other advantage of it, but this doesn't matter for him, is that it would have disadvantage on its next weapon attack role oh okay it's unarmed i was looking for something that had a weapon but um so and now i'm going to um who's within range um you see just kobolds and a worm but you do remember there is stuff sort of buried under the waves of kobolds that are rushing at you which are going to hit like right after i'm gonna then i'm just

gonna crossbow attack um the the worm again great go for it oh um 11 great Is that a hit? Nope. Okay. So it just sort of lands between kobolds. It just goes into the ground. That's disappointing. Tis. Tis indeed.

So now we're going to add a lot of NPC attacks to the mix. The NPC attacks are brought to you by Paladinos, number one spot for tribute bands in the Valley. This weekend we have Sanaria Claws, Sublime Christmas Tribute Band, and Pinkerton Tuscadero, Weezer, and Happy Days. Go fuck yourself, Paladinos.

Bodhi, you are re-buried in kobolds. They just flow over you again and your upper torso and head are now being clung to by tiny little lizard people uh-huh uh they don't manage to hit you but you're buried tom same thing uh typha hello uh you see an orc all of a sudden um that is pissed off and swinging wildly you think it's one of the ones that sort of decided to attack the kobolds and it just barely misses you but it is like right next to you just sort of like waving it sort of trying to get kobolds off of it got it uh esmeralda you are less lucky uh an orcc who is the last remaining pissed off enthralled orc

appears in front of you and hits you with a heavy axe. So we're going to roll that damage. I saw a heavy axe open for Crocus. How was it? I'm going to Crocus here in a second. You take 13 points of damage. Oh. Jeez.

Crocus is named after a flower. Mm-hmm. What flower? Plants it in your shoulder. Oh. But it's going to attack again. This song was an ACDC sound alike. That is definitely a hit unless you have...

Your armor class is lower than 23, right? Fuck you. The class is lower than 23, right? Fuck you. You take another 15 points of damage. Jesus Christ. Hits you in the gut. It's still alive.

And then... How many minutes till... Dragon reappears. That whiskey's looking good, though. And bites a horse in half. Oh, dear. What? Could it be Tom's horse again? It's a hit.

What are you doing to your penis? Fixing it. He's got to wind it once a day. Typha and Esmeralda, He's got to wind it once a day. Typha and Esmeralda, you see Bodhi and Tom not only get buried, but completely like another layer of kobolds flop over both of them. You just see a sort of mound of kobolds where Bodhi was a second ago. I feel like it fills in.

And you just see the head and the tail of the worm thrashing around in the midsection where Tom is being grabbed is now heavily buried. I want to do damage to Brian, but he left the room in disgust. Tom, you're hit. Four, nine, 11, 16. Never forget. 21. Who's in? Who's not in?

You take 24 points of damage from Spears. Jesus. Brian. No. I can't. I wish. What? He's rolling up all this damage for you. You take 32 damage from Cobalt Spears as you are completely buried in these fuckers. Oh, Bodhi did?

Bodhi did. How much did? I took 21. You took 21. Tom, you're up. You're having a little trouble moving your arms and legs, and you feel like you're going to take a penalty to your swings. Then I'm going to cast a spell, I think.

Let's see. Is it stop war? Do you have the stop war spell? Stop war. No more war. Jesus Christ. There was no specific. spell I will make you roll a perception check I'll straight up tell you there Oh, is that all? What is that case? Jesus. That's gonna cast. Shocking grasp. All right.

Ooh, that's good. Maybe drive him off me. They fail their saving throw, so. So that is, that's only current state, because it was 2d8, but I don't know where they killed him. Smells amazing in here right now. Doesn't it? Yeah. It's like bourbon.

You can finish the bottle. I won't be drinking any. What? I'm kind of late. Oh, you won't want to let me drink after what I do to you guys. Seems like you made a decision before this started. I'm the DD. You got to drink. Okay.

Roll that damage. You need it here. All right. So you... 11 alright so you plus 8 to hit or plus 8 plus 8 to hit it's what? so 11 you're not saying your thoughts out loud

11? sorry ok so you just looked at me for an extended period of time. I need numbers. 11, great. You kill... To an honorable death. Cheers. You guys kill...

Tom, you kill Dathymek Jobin and Mike Moy. Mike Moy. Also, a layer of kobolds gets shaken off of you you're currently being aggroed by 15 kobolds at this point you're up Odie

alright I'm gonna mindless rage I think now I already was frenzing but but I'm going to shake again first. Or not shake, but just kind of... Shimmy? Cocoa pop. They're all over me, right?

I'm trying to think of the best way to kind of... What he would do. I mean, I know what I kind of what he would do um i mean i know what i think about you it is best roman reigns he just fucking um you know freezes arms and then just kind of flails them and then also but you know sounds like a strength check is coming yeah let's do a straight up strength check see if any of you get movement back. Yeah. 25. Yeah, you beat a 28.

Okay, so your arms are suddenly free enough where you won't take a penalty for your next move. Okay. Then I'm going to use... Of which you have two left. My gauntlets and just start smacking little heads together and swinging around just to kind of free clear some space with the second action okay uh oh no it's like first right because was that a total action yet when i just raised my arms it was all right so yeah cool That's a 19.

Great, okay. So I'll say you get two heads together. Roll for unarmed damage. All right, what do I roll for that? I don't even know. That'd be a do-do-do-ba-doo. Bludgeoning damage. Bludgeoning damage.

On a hit, unarmed strike deals bludgeoning damage equal a hit unarmed strike deals bludgeoning damage equal to plus one your strength I can't hear myself talk plus one your strength so you do nine damage so you pop two heads

against each other like a couple of zits you got one more I'm trying to get away Like how do I Also the two that you killed were named Buchoco and Hellraiser from Heaven I'm gonna like

I'm trying to think of If slashing does more To get but I'm just gonna try to do like a forward roll. Okay. Just roll over these guys that are right in front of me so that I can maybe get my feet back under me. Athletics check difficulty 20. Oh, okay.

You're covered. Yes. Hell yeah. All right, great. You get completely free and land on top of a bunch of these things, but there's like a three-foot padding of just kobolds under you as you do the roll. Okay, cool. You've bought yourself a little bit of time.

Cool. Here comes some more stuff. A bonus movement. Just try to get a little space. Yeah, a little space. I keep moving. There's no space. I mean, you can point yourself towards the portal and run.

Yeah, yeah. That's what I'm trying to do. As you do that, you notice it's still blue. All right. All right. Up next is Jendi, and she is trying to clear some space for you guys to get back to the main party and what horses are left.

And she kind of splashes some kobolds away. Um, Magnus is huddling closer, uh, to the portal. Um, and then you guys here, everybody take off your headphones.

Uh, as, uh, Sarah looked really angry that I did that. without that i'm scared for our listeners for this episode i'm gonna ask uh sam if he can uh not listen with headphones uh when he does the edits i will listen with headphones and i'll say can you turn the volume way down um i don't know it was way more sensitive than i thought it would be. I feel bad about that. Why'd you do it the second time? That's my question.

It's a valid question. Here's what I'm learning. I'm really bad with microphones. Way worse than I thought I was. Or, glass half full, you're really strong with microphones. No, but like... You haven't been dealing with them for very long,

right? You're new to having a microphone in front of you. Stand-up comedian. Weekend mic technique class. God damn. I'm going to try and forget how annoyed I am with that. So, yeah.

All kobolds leave. I guess what I was trying to do was present the exaggerated scenario of there is now a black chromatic dragon that you are all going to have to do a dexterity saving throw for. Jesus Christ. Bodhi, you, of of course have danger sense, so you get advantage on this, which I am going to give you because you freed yourself up.

Everybody please do a dexterity saving throw. What is the number? You're going to have to beat an 18. Typha got an 8. I got a 12. Did not do it. 20. Oh, wait.

14. But still. So no, no. And did you get it? 15 plus. Yeah, I have a high plus on my director. Why am I so sloppy with the microphones saving throw modifier is different than different than just your plus though

right I thought it wasn't I thought it was a dex check that was a straight up athletics check I thought no you can get a bonus to your saving oh my god this is I would think it would be athletics athletics check, I thought. No? If it's athletic sometimes. You can get a bonus to your saving... Oh, my God. I would think it would be

athletic. It's just my air conditioner telling me to fuck off. It just woke up to do that? Yeah. I mean, no. Your saving throw is your plus unless you have another bonus to it. That's what I meant.

It can be different than your... It can be, yeah. Okay. So yes. So it's you two that didn't. Jendi also did not make it. Gago also did not make it. Gago.

So everybody took a bunch of acid damage as the sky is filled with a dragon. The clouds part just enough that you see this enormous form of, you know, like a castle courtyard-sized dragon appear and belch green acid all over the battlefield, taking out a huge number of the kobolds, finishing off the worm that you were wrestling, Tom, which takes a splash damage that you do not have to take um but you take uh 21 acid damage um and so uh uh you just sort of don't see gago anymore

that gago's hiding you don't know i hope he's hiding? Or he's hiding. Or he dissolved. You don't know? I hope he's hiding. You do not know. Gago? Silence. How's Master Magnus and the horses? Still pretty calm?

Still pretty safe? The horses made their saving throw. I let them roll as a group, and they got lucky. Jendi is real, real worse for wear. She got hit by a huge splash, and she shrieks. She's not dead, but she's in rough shape. Here's a big roll.

Calamine lotion. You guys want this to be over a 10? It wasn't. But we wanted it to be. No, but you do hear Joop and the portal suddenly has a little elf head

poking out and says, hey guys, what'd I miss? Oh, Jesus. I think I would immediately scream. Run to the portal. I think I would say portal because I don't want to give our enemies any kind of... I would say like blue open, blue door or something okay uh as you say that uh two other

things happen uh in the running order before it is your guys's turns again um twee pops his head back out and goes oh okay uh and about a dozen kobold spill immediately through the portal because they're just that close and there's that goddamn many of them like just roaches they're everywhere also storm door crashes to the ground uh this is the role you did not want him to uh land and he is uh he is on top of uh tom and bodie who are the farthest away from the portal. So you guys feel like there's a strong chance he'll be able to hit you with physical force before you can get to the portal. You all notice he will not fit through the portal.

I think that would occur to everyone immediately. You're like, oh, that's a relief. But it's one turn away from, uh, from Typhon Esmeralda and, uh, two turns away from Bodhi and Tom. Um,

I already asked this about the orcs. Do I have a sense of what a bone wand would do to a sentient dragon? You have a sense it would do something. Okay. But you don't know what, unless you do a check. Can I do a check? would do something. Okay. But you don't know what unless you do a check. Can I do a check? Mm-hmm.

Okay. How far away is the portal? What is it? Arcana? Mm-hmm. Arcana, yeah. So 10. You think it would do an exaggerated form as long as it didn't make its savings row.

Okay. Is it my turn yet? It is Typha's turn, then your turn. So the dragon's on them. I feel like she would, especially now going to bed, I feel like she would charge to try and help them get out rather than run away. Okay.

So I feel like like is she closer she's not is she where am i you're closer to the portal than you then you are to the dragon but you're about equidistant between tom and bodhi and on one side of the portal to the other could we hear me like can i shout to him while i charge at the dragon yeah i would say to him get them out of here okay roll a um just a persuasion check i'm just trying to decide if the volume gets to a tweet right uh it's a three uh you don't really feel like you could shout over the chaos it's too much roaring dragon i feel like i feel like i have to go at the dragon okay um can i get the dragon or is it do i have to go at the dragon. Okay. Can I get to the dragon or do I have to slash fuckers? You can use one of your actions to get to it.

You can just sprint towards the dragon. That's what I'll do. Great. Roll a 20. 19. Alright. That's without your bonus? No, that's with your strength bonus? That's with the bonus. Alright, so you just clank your sword right off this thing's face. It goes,

bang. Uh, I have an action surge that I, I'd like to use now and I can do one more action. I'd like to attack one more time. All right. Roll 20. That was less.

That was 15. Pang. All right. You're up Esmeralda. that was less that was 15 paying all right you're up Esmeralda bone wand I'm terrified because some of these are not going to be good even if I know and you know what I think I told you this I've been meaning to take photos of all the cards because I gave

you the only yes you're holding you're holding this special arcana bullshit. So you have to roll a dice for an effect, right? Isn't it like... Well, I don't know how... I believe it's eight. There's ten.

Ten? Okay. So you roll a ten-sided dice to see what effect, random effect, the bone wand is going to cast. They have to make a saving throw or start for the effects. Yeah. Well, Stormdoor failed his saving throw. So this is going to get interesting.

Could get, there are some that we don't want, actually want him to be cursed with this. Cause it is supposed to be for humans. And so for a dragon, it might be kind of awesome. So here we go. We'll just see what happens.

I guess. Do you just pick one at random? No, I have to roll a 10 sided die. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Four. Read us what four says on the front

and the back. Reflection curse. For seven days, the wielder of the wand can see through the target's eyes at will. Oh, shit. In addition, the target must make a wisdom saving throw of 10 each time they attempt to do anything that requires concentration. Oh, okay.

If they fail the roll, their task is complicated by their vision falling out of sync with their other senses. That's not bad. That's actually fantastic. For me. So here's what happens you cast that and oh dear god he really didn't do that good so um all of a sudden he's blinking and he can't see and he's just roaring and flailing around uh you as he's flailing around get a piercing headache that doesn't cause any damage but your vision is just blurry for a second

as you realize you're able to see through this thing's eyes if you concentrate. It says at will. Yeah, I can do it. Yeah, if you concentrate. So it's like just a moment, just as you sort of sync up with the fucking dragon. And that's your turn.

Cool. That brings us back to the top of the order tom you're up i'm running to the portal sweet do a um you're gonna first start with a dexterity saving throw to just get out of this pile that you're under so is that athletics or is that just it's a dex saving throw to see if you get so you don't disengage. That just means you're going to suffer a penalty trying to run. Okay. So roll again, and this will be athletics.

That's plus 14. So you make it like two feet closer to the portal. Okay. You're really having a rough go. And can I use a dash as a bonus action? Mm-hmm. All right, go for it. Not much better.

You get like two more feet. You are just being, there's 30 of these things clinging to you. Bodhi, you're up. I'm free from them, right? Yeah, you did a fucking tuck and roll. You're however right in front of a very angry dragon. All right, but he see me really so no he can't he's blind i'm dodging him and and darting for the and i'm gonna sprint for the portal yeah as hard as i go for it roll 20 this

is uh dex to make sure you don't get wrapped up uh that's and you get to do an advantage you roll again that's a 14 so you managed to get through a little bit now do an athletics check 19 you make it halfway to the portal so you're kind of like up on Typha do I get another movement? yes Great. You make it halfway to the portal. So you're kind of like up on Typha and... Do I get another movement or no?

Yes. Yes. Is this... What was it? What was I rolling? Athletics. Okay, that's a 12. All right. So you get to the portal, but not through it. Okay,

cool. Okay, good. And you're like trying to swipe kobolds away because they're filling the portal. Just trying to see what happens if they go through it like a bunch of dumb motherfuckers. Yeah.

Magnus gets three horses through the portal and he goes through also. Jendi tries to get through the portal, but he goes through also. Jendi tries to get through the portal, but she only gets as close as you, Bodhi. Ouch. Ouch. Dead air. Brought to you by Mavis. Hi Mavis.

Hi. Tom, you take 17 points of damage. You get stabbed a bunch. Are you conscious? Are you a bear or a dog? Are you a teddy bear or a dog? Do they have the damage thing? I think you can only do is it Uncanny Dodge once a dog? You're a teddy bear or a dog? Do they have the damage thing again?

I think you can only do... Isn't Uncanny Dodge once a day? No, but we'll see. Am I close to Jendi? Bo, do you take 13 points of damage? He doesn't care. I'm starting to care. Oh, really?

You are close. You are close to Jendi, but everyone's sort of collapsing back towards... Except for Typha so far. to care. You are close to Jendi. Everyone's sort of collapsing back towards except for Typha so far. Typha, you take 25 points of damage. That's a ridiculous amount. Yeah.

Are you dead? I'm good. I've always cared. Let me put it that way. These are just kobold spears. They're all stabbing you in the back because you just swung at the dragon. Esmeralda, you take 14 points of damage as they all stab at you. And the medium-sized dragon bursts out of the ground and starts roaring in your face as well, Typha,

coming to the defense of Stormdoor. You are up, Typha. I want to get Tom free and moving to the door, so can I swipe? Is he close? Use one of your two actions

to run to him. He's close-ish. But he's at the door. Yeah, but he's moved a little bit away. You've two actions to run to him. He's close-ish. But he's at the door. He's moved a little bit away. You've got to run over to him. Either get guys off of him so he can run. Do a strength check. I got an 18. All right.

You get him up. He's loose. Let's go. I'm ready. And then do a... If you can do an athletics check, I'll let you guys move a little closer. If you can make an athletics check of 18.

I got a 15. Nope. So you kind of try to wiggle free a little bit more, but you don't close the distance. It's not your turn yet. Can I do a... I have a thing as a bonus action called Second Wind. As a bonus action

I can give myself some hit points back. I'd like to do that as well. Okay. So I got 16 back. Nice. Damn. I've got my second wind. Esmeralda, you're up. That's a good thing.

Yeah, it's very good. So just to be clear. Would you call it a Billy Joel spell? Why? Don't forget your second wind. I don't know that. Jandy's almost dead and not in yet. Is that a deep cut?

They're almost in. Who else is not? Who's not? The people who are farthest from the portal are typhon tom everyone else is kind of huddled up to it right now um okay um would i be able to with an action like get people through is that or yeah okay so i'm there's enough chaos where, yeah,

that's not blocked off. There's like two or three cobalts that are between you and the portal that you'd have to step over. But okay. So I'm going to, I guess I'm going to try to do that with my action, which is get Jendi through. Yeah.

And then my bonus action, I'm going to do a second wind also. Cause I'm almost unconscious. Do it. Okay. almost unconscious. Do it. Sarah's Roll is brought to you by Palladinos.

How much hit points did you get? They're our favorite sponsor of this show. Next week we have Misfits of Science. It's Misfits and Thomas Dolby tribute band. Misfits of Science! Alright, Typh and Tom, do a dexterity saving throw, please. And Thomas Dolby, tribute band. Misfits of science. All right. Typh and Tom, do a dexterity saving throw, please.

Nine. 20. All right. So bad news for Tom. Was it athletics or which? It was dexterity. Sorry. Bad news for Tom this week at the Encino Playhouse.

You take 11 points of acid damage as Stormdoor nails you in the back with a spray of acid. Now are you conscious? And you're up, Tom. Dashing away. Okay. Do a check. Dashing away. Okay. Do a check. This is athletics. 17.

All right, you're halfway there. You got one more. Living on a prayer. Yeah, yeah. Extra action. And 20. Tom, you practically faceplant as you get through the portal

so Typha uh you are all that is uh far away at this point I'm okay with that

come on but I think we have to pause it I think that's it we're we're well over an hour I think we're gonna leave it as a

cliffhanger really we can't try to get Typha through the portal well I mean, up next is in the running order is

people who are on the other side of the portal. So it's really, you know, we can do stuff or we can. Do you guys have any ideas of one last

thing you want to try to do while you're on the other side of the portal that you can try to help her? How far away is she from me? Yeah, that's what I'm doing.

She is 15 feet away from the portal. Okay. Bell rock me. I throw my hempen rope. I try to lasso. Great. Do an athletics check. All right.

Yeah, it would be 15. All right. What did you want me to do? You do an athletics check. Now, when it says one, what does that mean? It means a hempen rope lands at your feet as you reach for it and miss with both hands. And that. And that will be where we pause it.

Damn it. I tried. I tried. I tried. I mean, there's a chance she could die for it, but other stuff is unfortunately going to happen before she gets another one. I don't think so. Brian's not worried.

Can you play again? Sure. Okay, cool. You never know. You should just play all the time. That was episode 28, right? Yeah. Thanks for listening nail biter thanks for listening to

another episode of Nerd Poker you can follow us at patreon.com slash nerd poker and you get bonus episodes from there and you can also send us anything at P.O. Box 16069 Encino, California, 91416.

Thanks for listening.