Nerd Poker - Episode 28 - Pirate Pile On

Episode Date: July 30, 2019

Quite a fun little pickle the Ice Five have gotten themselves into. Dratlanna's war ship is about to attack the Thixxits, and here's the Time Boat just sitting on the dock. Hey, what's the worst that could happen? 

Hey everybody, it's time for us to do our drawing. Those who are on our $10 level, the Stargoyle tier for Patreon, get to be a part of a drawing where we send someone a swag bag full of cute little nerd poker swag bits and such, and Dungeons and Dragons junk. So the person who is... You're really selling it. I didn't mean it sarcastically.

I was trying to do a cute voice. Sometimes game-used things. Yeah. it's cooler than he makes it jack warren stuff jesus you guys can go don't fight guys all right uh green eyes congratulations green eyes uh i'm your your username is very mysterious um congrats yeah but thank you. You did it. Thanks, Green Eyes. Thank you. Thank you. Hey everybody, I'm Brian Poussin. Comedian, writer, actor, nerd.

I've been playing D&D with my friends for a long time. I decided to do a new podcast where we play Dungeons & Dragons in my very own dining room. With my wife, kid, and my noisy dogs. So meet my friends... Sarah Kev Dan Clay Chris I'm Brian Posehn. And you're listening to Brian Posehn's Nerd Poker, episode 28. It's warm in here. Let's jump in. My friends are here. And by warm in here, I mean in your ears.

My friends are here. Chris. Hello. Sarah. Hello. Ken. Whatever. Dan.

Hiya. Blaine. Thanks for being good. Keep rolling. Okay. And at the end of the table There's Sam Hi Hi Sam

Hi everyone Hi Hey fella Hi guys You gonna thank our Our Patreons maybe? I sure Give me a nanosecond

To your job Jesus Christ I'd like to be involved in it too Instead of you just jumping in Oh okay Yeah yeah Hey Brian I'm sorry about Dan

I'm glad someone's Brian, I'm sorry about Dan. I'm glad someone's sorry because I'm not. We're all going to die tonight anyway. Yeah. And in the game. President's racist. So I would like to thank Matt. Oh, that guy. Did Sam say that or you? Huh? I don't know.

America. I would like to thank Matt. Oh, that guy. Miller. Thank you, Matt. Oh, that guy. Did Sam say that or you? Huh? I don't know. It's America. I would like to thank Matt, oh, that guy, Miller. Thank you, Matt, oh, that guy. Oh, that guy. Oh, Matt Miller. Oh, that guy. Thank you, Cherp Erson. Cherp Erson.

Cherp. Cherp. Thanks, Cherp Erson. And thank you, two in the pink, one in the Ha Shinka. Oh, no. There you go. Turned it around. Double word score. Turned it around and made it worse.

Just in time for Nerd Poker. Oh, God. Uh-oh. The splintered walls of the Thixit Clan's barracks lie in pieces on the ground. of the Thixit clan's barracks lie in pieces on the ground. The former chamber that contained the mother brain, also known

to most... Mother brain? Mother brain. Is now in pieces. Flying, hovering over the ground. There is now a squishy, slimy

pink beholder. It blinks its giant eye, looking around madly, not sure seemingly where it is, but resembling the brain it once was. Its eye stalks, eyelids still adjusting to being real. It cocks its roly-poly floaty head to the right and to the left. You're all standing on the boat. Two of you are unconscious, having been dragged there, Dog, Thur, and Halcine.

You missed your saving throws when a wave of psychic damage hit everyone because you put the magic shard of god dreams in the brainy Brady Times water. Wow. I'm probably going to restart that shit.

Here we go. Good tape speed. Rolling 10 again with the tape speed. On three. One, two, three, go. In the distance, you hear the doom doom of the cannons as one of Dratlana's warships rips through one of the Thixit clan's now empty boats, all of the mind flayers having blinked out of existence

when the Elder Brain was made a beholder. You're standing or laying on the boat as a little fishy man sort of comes up from the stairs below. as a little fishy man sort of comes up from the stairs below. You recognize him as the guy who Gus first found when he flew towards the checkpoint. So. Who? He's this guy.

You may or may not remember him, but he's like this sort of creature from the Black Lagoon looking guy. You know, you met that one elf in a little hut. There's a few people you saw walking around who weren't Mind Flayers. Right. And it feels like maybe the Mind Flayers are gone, which were most of them. But there's a few maybe either pre-Mind Flayers

or just servants of the Thixit clan who've been wandering around. And he was just below deck in your boat. And he just kind of walks up and looks at all of you. Great. Is he surprised to see the brain floating there? He kind of, yeah, he looks past you. And about 100 feet away,

like, you know, it's a short gap in the dock. He can see it. He just sort of stares. And where am I? You're laying on the deck of the boat. Doctor, we should wake these two up. Can we do that? You have good berries.

Why don't you give it a shot? Kind of shake them. It's not working right away. Seems like it's going to take a minute. Not sure what's going on. Just's maybe going to take a minute. Not sure what's going on. Just by shaking him, nothing really happens.

How about a slap? Do a strength check. Uh-oh. I'm slapping Darkthor for the record, by the way. Of course. Because I'm a sour boy. Yep. That's a nine for you, Lemon Face.

Nah, just his big old half-drought face just kind of goes to the side. Nice try. He says in his sleepy time dream. What's the beholder doing? Why don't... Everybody who is awake, please do an insight check

I just lay here 17 21 what'd you get tiktok a thousand 21 I got a five okay yeah y'all kind of look over and it seems a little confused,

but it's snapping too pretty quick. Oops. Someone's dinging. Who's this? Who dinged? Turn off your goddamn phone. I don't use Apple products. I know.

That's why our text thread's fucked up, you weirdo Android. Oh, no, it's because of the Apple. Oh, well, that's right. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I'm not worried about it. It's not me. Stop having a good idea those two of you uh who who got a higher role uh dr uid and

yeah it looks like it's you're not sure what what's going on uh it it definitely is about to focus on something um do you want to focus on something. Do you want to focus on? You know what? You got over a 20. You notice there's something oddly clean about the explosion in the wall of the barracks. So where it broke it open,

it almost looks like there's little chunks of wood sort of floating near where the wall broke open. Floating midair or in the water? Mid-air. Well, that's weird. Hmm? What? Anyway, back to what were the players saying? There's wood floating in the air.

Should we... In the water? No, in the air. Around the breach in the wall of the barracks. So the barracks are... It's a simple wood building and when the walls blew out, it looked like the beholder had somehow punched it open.

Like the Kool-Aid man? Yeah, very much like the Kool-Aid man. Oh yeah. And right along the sort of edges of where it broke through, you just notice there's little chunks of splintered wood kind of floating along the wooden planks of the wall.

Is it like time-stopped? Does it seem? Great question. Is it floating like dust moats? Yes. But not falling. Right. So not moving in a direction away from the explosion,

just sitting there. Yeah. The hell? Ken had a good idea. The DM reacted to your... Oh, I'm unconscious. there. The hell? Ken had a good idea. The DM reacted to your... Oh, I'm unconscious. The time froze? Yeah, I know.

I just lay there dramatically. But I don't know what to do with that. The fish man starts walking towards the beholder. Fish man, stop. He's leaving the boat. I don't know. Might be in a time freeze. do a persuasion check oh boy a seven dan sweeps walking god damn hey stop all right

16 um he turns he keeps walking but he turns and looks at you kind of confused you see his head kind of cocked to the side where are you going hey stop he just kind of moves his mouth and no sound comes out just kind of doctor like a fish you think with your passive insight he may not speak what you're speaking right doctor the elder brain was dying. These creatures need living, other creatures to live, perhaps in somehow her being turned into the beholder. We know they're all connected. So all the mind flayers are there.

The last thing that we promised these people was, we'll give you this thing to fight Hoshinka. I mean, to fight Dratlana. Sorry, Hoshinka, did you piss yourself? That was not Hoshinka laughing. Oh, sorry., did you piss yourself? That was not Hashinka laughing. She doesn't laugh like a donkey. That's your dungeon master. Perhaps

we now have an ally against Dratlana. Does that make sense? I guess. While you two are talking, the Beholder kind of like, it's eye focuses on you guys. Do we need to say that? I don't know. I'm just trying to figure out Talking, you know, the beholder kind of like, its eye focuses on you guys. Do we need to say that? I don't know.

Yeah, I'm just trying to figure out what's about to happen to us. Well, I'm saying maybe- The boat's untied. You could adjust the sail. You're already slowly kind of drifting off the dock as the fish man hops over the gap. Yes, I go head away. Yes, at least let's

make it seem like we're gonna go help the Beholder attack Dratlanta. Right? The Beholder levels its eye on all of you. And yeah, you

you hear a voice very quietly in the three of your heads say, Thank you. It worked then. You're most welcome. Also, you notice Dratlana's boat has now for a while stopped firing its ballistas or cannons or whatever the strange projectiles are coming out of it, and it is very close to you.

It is gaining water on you very fast do you see the big boat coming it's already looking at the boat and okay once it said thank you it's clearly like it's gonna go take the fight to them perhaps let's get let's let's wake let's get the sail up sail up i. I'm still trying to wake these guys. Yeah, wake me up before you go. How are you going to try and wake them up? Smacking you in the face. I'm going solo.

Can I take a little time and relearn a spell here? No, this is not a time to relearn a spell. You rolled a really high strength check and it didn't wake up. What are you going to try with your spells? They're in some kind of magical spell right now. No, not right now. It seems like you might be about to get exploded.

Oh dear. The beholder kind of tilts away from you a little bit, but it moves very quickly. It floats towards your boat near the dock. Towards our boat. Okay. Your boat is now about 20 feet away

from the dock, and the beholder seems to be picking up speed as you pick up speed away from the dock, as if it is trying to get on your boat. Let's get the fudge out of here. What do you want to do? Go, go, go. We're trying to go. You're trying to speed the boat up? Yeah, let's go.

Do a survival check from the three of you, please. Now, because I'm proficient, do I get to roll with advantage? Yes. Thank you. I got a 13. 22. 19.

With those three together, you guys managed to get the sails up. They're new, so you needed to have two people get over a 15. And you figure out how to get the boat moving fast enough that the beholder slows down and just doesn't quite go fast enough to get on the boat. And it just kind of gives up

and starts floating now down the dock towards Dratlana's boat. Set atomic jets to full. Let's get the fuck. You notice the boat. Again, you can't see the sail. There's just this tall black cloud kind of hovering like an

upside down tornado on top of this boat and um you see about a dozen drow jump off the boat and start charging the beholder um as they do so they they all draw their swords and the beholders eye stalks stiffen out and all all of the drow attempt to keep charging, but... I'm glad I get to sleep through this, so I don't have any sort of mom issues. A little more than half of them drop to their knees and start screaming in pain as you sail away um as you just get out of distance you start to see arcs of what looks like green electricity flying off of it and you hear uh kinds of screams you never thought you'd hear. Deep guttural ones.

You think maybe you see the upper half of a drow get torn off and thrown into the ocean as you get a little too far to make out such details. Darkter's going to be sorry he missed that. Which way should we head? Where are you going, fraidy cats? Let's continue. With that survival check,

I'm guessing you didn't fall in the whirlpool or crash into the shore. I'm thinking further. We were kind of pointed to go south, down river. Yeah.

But we got to, even if it's just like to get out of sight and then pull over or drop anchored and stop, we got to wake these guys up. This is nuts. Well, they seem to be

in some kind of a, it's something more. Yeah. Hey, Darkthor and Halcine, can you do a constitution check for me sure oh my god i heard them 14. hey i went on the floor oh my god brian are you okay brian oh god brian b, are you okay? Brian. Oh, God. Brian.

Brian, are you okay? No, Brian. I'm back. Oh, good. Constitution. I was worried that you were going down into one of those descent holes. 18. Where they had the white hillbilly cave people that lived down there that evolved to live in the descent caves.

That place is terrible. After about an hour, you guys managed to wake up. An hour? Remember I had that plus three. What'd I miss? Oh, well, that pink brain thing woke up and talked to us, thanked us. Oh, the mother brain? Yeah.

That's great. Mother brain. And then took off after the boat. How did the mother brain take off after the boat? It tried to kill... Well, it turned into a beholder. Oh, that was a key element. Oh, I guess you didn't see that part. No.

I didn't see that part. So guess what? Those blue things. No, no, no, no, no. What would have happened if we had touched it? Would you have been Dr. Beholder, Dr. Ood? have happened if we had touched it? Would you have been Dr. Beholder?

Dr. Ood? I don't know if it would have dispossessed whatever life form it was near like life force. That's nice that it thanked us though. Would you? Yeah. I will let all you guys do a Arcana check and if you have a proficiency you can do an advantage.

Okay. I have a plus five Arcana check. So, But that's still a 13. 13. I got a big fat three. 13! Woof. Nothing. Wow. Whiff. I mean, yeah, you definitely feel like there's

something weird. Combined, it's 39 though, all three of us. It seems a weird coincidence that there's a relationship to that chunk, that shard and another beholder. Who cares? Keep going. You're heading southeast.

Can we send the beholder after that dragon? I really thought we were going to get killed right away. What a nice beholder. No, it was coming to kill us. It's only because we dropped an anvil on the accelerator that we got the fuck out of touch. No, it was going to kill Drellana.

It was coming towards us. Yeah, but it's a thank you, right? I think it was, hey, thanks, as I eat your face. I'm a face eater now. That's what I think. You can really taste the thanks. Well, I guess we'll never know. Because we are never coming back here.

Okay, let's turn around and go back and see what the beholder would have done to us. Yeah, I mean, you'd have to go back and talk. Undo your running away to really know. You know if I'd been awake, I would have tried to talk to it, but I'm delighted that we're gone. Well, and you know if I painted a mini

and spent all that time on it, I was certainly anticipating you guys would be fighting it. So it's amusing to me. Fuck you. As you flee. Top shelf. Back of the closet. I'm going to ask another survival check

just to see how this sailing has gone. Well, if you remember, what we had was survival and a perception. I think I was perce perception he was i think i was perceiving he was survivaling i know everyone's eager to roll uh but yes bye mb maybe we'll see you again we're gonna see your painting we'll hear reports of your we might go to veils 21 14 for perception 16 okay that's uh 319 yeah so you managed to not crash as you lickety split away from the Thixit checkpoint. Yeah.

And you notice that Dratlana's boat does not seem to follow you. Whatever engagement they found at the Thixit checkpoint seemed enough for them. Big shocker. You also notice that your boat fucking rules now. Timeboat is reinforced with steel and an extra layer of wood on the hull.

The downside is it's gotten a little pokier. Your boat's gotten weighed down by sort of all the armor and weapons that are on it. It's pretty big-looking, but it's still relatively small. So you guys... Hey. Hi. Hi, Hey. Hi.

Bye Rose. If you wanted to say look up the rules on this boat, it is now equivalent to a small one on D&D Beyond called a keel boat. Can you spell that?

I sure can. K-E-E-L B-O-A-T. Boat. Like an even keel? Yeah. It's a little wider. I think keelboat from Disneyland. It's not there anymore.

And a little shorter than a typical keelboat. Was there something they didn't complete, I thought, last week? All they didn't do was fix the ballistas to the hull. So the ballistas could... They're just laying on there. And they might be pronounced ballistas. I don't know. I like ballistas.

You know, someone tried to tell me on the socials, and I think someone may have sent a Patreon to you, like the different ways to pronounce Bulette. And then I looked it up, and on D&D Beyond it says bullet. And I was like, well, Bulette's more fun more fun whatever but uh yeah there's the audio dictionary but they they were saying as a joke they did it yeah yeah it was like boulet because it's like french uh boulet um robert boulet it's it's it's fun to like look it up but then i'm like man all those there was not like a computer thing where you could like this shit up in the 80s.

This is why for a full year as a child, I said, get the gist of things, and my mom did not correct me because she thought it was charming. I was in my 20s before I pronounced mediocre the correct way. I thought it was mediocry. I confused the words chauffeur and coiffure.

Yikes. I can't read blaine a comedian who couldn't read you'll never mispronounce anything because you so yeah that's well there's yeah there's that but i can click on pictures you guys are on a keelboat keelboats uh are they awake huh are you're awake they woke up they made a constitution check about an hour ago and so i just really quickly want to give you some stats hold on to that thought mr tallman yeah uh but this boat has an armor class of 12 uh and it has a uh where is it where is it that's the no i'm sorry the hull i'm sorry. The hull. I'm sorry.

They break it down in D&D Beyond in whole sections of stuff. But the hull is an armor class of 15 and it's got A 15 or 12? The boat is an armor class of 12. The hull is 15. The helm of the ship

is 12. The hull has 100 hit points the helm has another 50 um so we should throw it at a dragon or something and it has more weapons than a typical keelboat you guys now have two ballastas and two cannons all the weight of all these cannonballs weapons you've got this improved sail all the steel steel reinforcement. It's a really solid ship, but it is not going to sail as fast as it used to. You are headed towards a river. So if you guys head south on this river, it's not as important to have a fast boat because you can't go that fast on a river without crashing into the sides of the river. You've got a fast boat.

There is that to keep in mind. If you guys wanted to head farther east, that's a little different kind of sailing. I totally ignored that joke. Chris, you're going to say. Sail away with me or live and die this way. Are we all still on board for going and talking

to the Doctor Wizard? The Super Wizard? Yes? Are we all still of a mind? Yes. Okay. Doctor Wizard. We should heal up. Were we?

Yeah, especially me. I'm sorry. It was a while since I had this conversation. Were we thinking the wizard might be the Tenebrous one? The arch, the arch, grand arch. You weren't sure. You kind of, that was a theory. It was a theory.

I did not. I did not confirm that. Or would at least know it i think the the we left it at this person is so high up it seems crazy that they wouldn't have some sense of hey hello i get to have a mocktail oh nice oh cocktail oh is that a crane? It does. The beholder looks just like a crane. You're exactly right. Is that a crane?

I love you, buddy. Because it looks like a crane. Or is it Mike Wazowski crane? It's angry Mike Wazowski crane. Kids wear it. Nintendo 64, sure. I don't think he was born. Hey, everybody gets 15 points

with my spell. You're also getting to a point where there's not been much except for woods and sheer cliffs to your right and open ocean leading into the whirlpool of death to your left. So you sail for a while, and it's no civilization.

You occasionally see some animals kind of running around the tops of the cliffs, some trees, but you could rest, say, those of you who are not commanding the boat. So you could also drop anchor and rest. That's what I'm going to do. Yeah, let's do that. Okay. I think maybe, yeah, if you two specifically need to rest you need to drop anchor because you're keeping an eye out and steering the ship yeah but cool I've got like 35

hit points I need to regain so and after a while Hachinke comes up on deck and also says that where was it the fishy man go to his death probably no okay No, okay, well, he was not much of a conversationalist anyway, but I didn't even see him go. Oh, he went, oh, duh. He walked away towards the beholder.

Oh, okay. I would say you saw him walking towards the beholder. He didn't get killed. You think maybe you saw him pick up a spear or something to try to assist the beholder? Yeah. He's probably friends with him. Yeah. Her. Yeah.

Well, you'll be so excited to go back and find out. Yeah. First three-day weekend I get. It's coming up. Let's do a good old-fashioned, are you doing a watch if you're doing a long rest? Yeah. And if you're doing a long rest? Yep. And if you're doing a long rest

you're going to sleep B times a night away? I was just sleeping so I'll do a watch. Okay. There's spells you could learn and there are items you could attune yourselves to.

So keep that in mind please. You know what I would like to do is I would like to run some experiments on these insect gauntlets that I have. Cool. Because I've never tried them out and I didn't want to like... Do an Arcana check, boss.

Find out they were cursed. Oh, I just rolled a 20. What? Plus 5, plus 3, so 28. Alright, so that's ridiculous. You're definitely attuned to these claws all right so while you wear these claws uh you can burrow in the ground oh at a speed of 20 feet what

you can also tunnel through solid rock at a rate of one foot per round. What the hell? You can use the claw like a melee weapon. You have proficiency in it, and you deal 1d8 slashing damage per hit. Jeez. However, while wearing these claws, you cannot manipulate objects or cast spells. Ah. With basic components. objects or cast spells with basic

components. So if it's like a cantrip, that's fine. But if you're wearing them like a weapon, then you can't cast spells. Like not activated? They're too big. They're just these giant chitinous things. Dr. Wolverine. Yeah.

And this is, you know And this is based off an existing fancy item. All these things you got are inspired by existing fancy items, but there's other things to them that are spatial. And in particular, yeah, you can climb a... One more thing. You can climb a sheer cliff face

at a speed of 10 feet per round. Yes, you were saying. That's awesome. If we're all going around doing attuning and stuff when I'm done with my watch, I will do the same. But I'm watching right now, right? Yes, so let's do a perception check for you.

That was a pretty good mocktail, by the way, that Rhodes is drinking. Six. That seems like a real quiet break you got there a mist over the water relaxing yeah i think you see a deer up on top of the cliff prancing around um but you're gonna you're gonna study your thing yeah my uh dragon yeah let's get your yeah okay so am i supposed to do advantage,

or do I do the proficiency bonus? Do you have a proficiency? Then you get both. I get both advantage, and then I... Oh, I have not been doing that, so... I think, well, this is where I could get in trouble, but that was my understanding. So, 19. Hachi machi. so 19 hachimachi

so this is shield is going to make you immune to radiant damage also immediately after a creature hits you with a melee attack you can use a reaction to deal 3d6 radiant damage to that creature and you can cast the bane spell from the shield. It has a spell save DC of 17. Oh my god. I wish I could do a good Bane impression.

Damn it. Arnold Willis, get in here. I need to talk to you about your last... And there appears to be something after you've attuned yourself. You can't quite finish unlocking it. You think you need another study. But you feel as you trace the rune

on the front of the shield that there's some other secret. Unlock your secret shield. Whoa. Did that work? I would have you roll a persuasion check to be funny, but no. Open sesame.

Cool. I'm gonna adore that that was the riddle is that we just need to say open. Does anybody else, either you guys need to do it too, and I forget? Yes, I would like to look into my claw boots. All right.

Yeah, I remember you don't have to roll too high on this, but go ahead and roll because you've already tried to bring yourself to this. Well, that's a 20. Wow, here you go. Damn. You now have resistance to cold damage while wearing these boots. Nice. Cool. And you can ignore difficult terrain on

foot created by ice and snow. Ice and snow! I'm Quinn the Eskimo. Oh man, when he gets here. You can tolerate temperatures as low as negative 100 degrees Fahrenheit. Did you come

from the land of ice and snow? And you can hold your breath for up to half an hour wow that would have come in handy when I got crop dusted the other day at Bokido Moss Brian you were sleeping during that break right yes

are you waking up now are you going to attune yourself to the sword let's get that arcana roll for me I can do watch Are you waking up now? What? Are you going to attune yourself to the sword? Yeah. Let's get that Arcana roll for me. Okay, cool. I can do watch during this. Do the perception for me. Sure. Oof.

Arcana. It's an oof on that watch. 11. Man, I didn't kill anybody with two beholders. I'm a fucking... That deer's going to get all of us the deer grows eye stalks and descends upon the boat no

so more like the coward dice five oh damn more like the self-preservation Brian this runic sword is very fancy times you have a plus one bonus to attack and damage self-preservation. Brian, this runic sword is very fancy times. You have a plus one bonus to attack

and damage rolls that you make with this. Yeah, write this down. Plus what? Plus one bonus to attack and damage rolls. Additionally, once on each turn you can do one

of the following properties if you're holding the sword immediately after your attack you can enable a creature within 60 feet of you to use its reaction to make one weapon attack

so you can like gift an attack action to someone within 60 feet of you. One of my friends? Uh-huh. Or an NPC. Immediately after you take the dash action, which I know you've used before, you can give another creature within 60 feet of you

the opportunity to use its reaction to move up to the same speed. So you can speed someone up when you speed up. And the same thing with the dodge. If you use dodge. Okay. What would be the quickest way right now?

When you attack with the sword, you let someone near you within 60 feet quickest way right in there. I got it. Yeah. When you attack with the sword, you let someone near you within 60 feet do a weapon attack with its reaction. And you can do the same thing within 60 feet with dash and dodge. If you use it, you gift it to someone else. Cool. I love it.

Do I get anything for that cool halberd uh sure why don't you do an investigation check to watch this everybody 14 all right Yeah, it's a Halberd. Oh, yeah, just like you guys. I got an awesome one. Yeah. 1d10 slashing damage. Oh, yep, that's what it says. But it looks pretty expensive.

You think if you were to sell it, you could maybe fetch, I don't know, like 50 gold for it? Holy. So we all got good stuff, guys. Not just you. We all did. You also have a magical talking dragon friend. You son of a bitch. Hey, how is he? You want to check in with Gus? Yeah.

You want to go over his scales with your hands and check him for battle damage? Oh, well, I definitely like... So listen, pal. What's up, boss? Boss, I don't know if we can talk about this now, but... Yeah, I mean, are we doing this with our minds so your friends don't hear?

No, they can hear this. You can tell me secrets. I won't tell anybody. Keep it down in there. Gus, you gotta be quiet. Oh, okay. So I guess we kind of covered this last time. It sounds like maybe you were something,

a free-minded creature, and that witch did something to you. Uh-oh. I know. So, we'll set you free. Don't worry about it. I mean, eventually. Not today. We've got to figure out your story, too.

You were somebody before this, pal. One day you'll set me free? Well, I mean, in that we will find out where you were, One day you'll set me free? Well, I mean, in that we will find out where you were and maybe you'll want to go and have that adventure. I don't know. Maybe you'll want to stay with us. One day? I don't understand.

What's going on? So what am I right now? Do you want to stay with us or do you want to leave? I guess I'm having fun, boss. All right, boss. I'd like to just- But it's really weird how you said, one day I'd be free.

That's sure going to stick in my mind for a while. a minute wait a minute what do you want i don't maybe i said it the wrong way you sure said it in an interesting way they're all standing around here did i do it wrong how seen i think what he was trying to say what he was trying to say was that what's up lady boss you're free to go whenever you can just call her boss I think what he was trying to say What he was trying to say Was that You're free to go whenever you like You can just call her boss There's no reason to make a distinction of lady I think he's going to help you find your way

So one day That day could be today if you choose I could leave If you wanted to But I have to just call her boss Not lady boss In that Everyone is a boss, boss. Oh.

Oh, I like how you just even the playing field for me. Thank you. Yeah, you too. Everyone is a boss. I feel like I've almost got the handle of what you're saying, but it's almost like I got like a mental block that keeps me from completely understanding this free will thing. It's can i examine him like do an arcana check yes you may roll with advantage i got a 20 on my first roll balls and i have a plus four plus a plus three i guess

so 27 yeah i mean i if i am admonished on the internet so be it that's the way i know i know there's certain things where you're you're gonna uh just have to deal with it yeah you you you look him over um and just as a healer you can tell he has had a lot of things cast on him a lot of work a lot a lot of work done. You also notice that he has, like, scars, like, around the back of his head. Oh, jeez. And it does seem like, you know, there was a lot of weird things done to him. Is there anything I can do to, like, help clear it away?

Or, like, the spells? Do you think there's definitely spells you could cast to clear it away? If you wanted to try what you have, I can't promise anything based on that Arcana check would work for sure, but he definitely has some sort of memory wipe where he can't remember anything

before he was in service of the Temple of LaRue in Bozor. You're just like me, boss. Can I either try a healing method or pray to Valkyr to try to... Go for it. Reset him? Yeah. We're setting up the boat. That's why I'm slightly distracted.

And why it's noisy. Time boat. It's back. Hi, boat. We missed you. Is this a religion check? All right. What boat. It's back. Hi boat. We missed you. This is a religion check. All right. What'd you get?

16. And then is it religion or Arcana? You tell me. You get to choose. Oh. You said you'd like to, and I am allowing you to choose. Well, then I'm definitely choosing Arcana. So 16, 20.

So 23. Wow. That's religion you said? No, that was Arcana. Arcana. 20 so 23 wow that's religion you said no that was arcana arcana um you think that you don't know the perfect spell but that but that uh through valkor's wisdom and patience it is possible that one such as yourself could learn that spell okay i stroke his little head and I tell him we're going to make him better. Boss.

Do a persuasion check. Are you using your religion? Sorry. We're losing it. No, at least you're sorry. Is that you in the corner? Is that me in the corner? That's me in the spotlight. What was it? I was making an R.E.M. joke.

Thank you. This whole bit is oozing with precision. Wait, what did you... I completely lost the thread of what the fuck was happening. He's pleased. He says thank you. Thank you, boss. You're welcome. And yeah, you get the impression impression again just to for you and the

listeners he uh there's familiars and then there's pseudo dragon familiars and pseudo dragon familiars are not exclusive to this but when a pre-existing magical creature is a familiar it usually has free will and yes its free will has been stripped away somehow okay it does seem to have some sort of either teleportation or feywild bamfing ability that it's not in complete control of because of the word we got to figure out the word

yeah and rush fans by the way I was trying to think of a way to get to the lyrics of free will couldn't do it but there you go I believe that's a song. I believe if you want... Is that the song about the whale? If you want to completely

relearn spells and heal, you need to do one more round of someone on watch. Everyone rest. I'll do another round on watch. Okay.

Roll a perception. But given the chance, I will use Free Will. At this point, we're, yeah. Let's get out of the way for a second. I will choose a path

that's clear. For sure. 17. Sorry, I hurt myself. That's all right. To the southeast, you see something moving in the water in the distance. Uh-oh. It's a few hundred feet away.

It's very small. My eyes grew heavy and my sight grew dim. You want to go take a look at that? Sure. But don't get too close. We're taking looks. We're not touching. Just looking. Okay. Do you want me to be careful so I can't see me? Yes. Roll a stealth

check for boss. We'll do a stealth and then a perception. I went to Palladino's the other night. Oh, you did? Who did you see at Palladino's? Geddy Lee Watanabe. His stealth, unfortunately, was just a 9. He was great in Revenge of the Nerf Herders. Perception, 19.

He does kind of have a hard time getting close enough to get a good look and just as he gets close enough he startles the thing you see what look like about a foot and a half long eye stalks two of them sticking out of the water oh they're like kind of telescopic uh and um oh it's another one of those goddamn they're kind of looking around and um when they lock eyes on gus they go under the water um and and gus can see this sort of glowing jellyfish like thing back up gliding under he comes back we fought one of these fuckers before, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's under the boat?

No, it's now gliding away from Timeboat. Okay, good. And it doesn't look familiar. It does not look familiar. The ice talks made me think of those frog things that jumped up on the boat. Can we set him smaller? It seemed like the size of a large wolf or something as opposed to those things you think of those frog things that jumped up on the boat can we send them smaller it seemed um

like the size of a large wolf or something as opposed to those things which were big enough to swallow you yeah why a wolf in the water it's a water wolf oh it seems like a standard beast size it seemed like a beholder size i almost i almost said dog and that was a wolf is more fantasy uh say again i just i missed it because i was looking up a rule but is it does it look a beholder size no okay smaller smaller than a boat yeah you know wolf i didn't know how a wolf compares to a beholder i guess uh yeah i mean it's it's it's gus sized maybe a little bigger than gus can we um do something to set up these ballistas yeah you see in the floor on deck, there's

some spots where they were maybe going to bolt them solid. They're sitting on the back of the boat like this, but they were going to put them near the front of the boat, sort of on either side of the front. And there's like some metal pegs. Can we bolt them?

You can try. Yeah, can we try and install them? Those are the cannons. The cannons are on wheels. The ballistas, you can mount on the front of your boat. So cannons we could actually use right now, right? Without doing anything? If we needed to, yeah. You could roll one over and fire it. I just want to have, you know, everything.

Why don't we have a ballista in the front and a ballista in the back? Do we still have that lady on board with us? Hoshinka? Oh no, Fegmama the weapons master you sure do what does she think uh she takes a look at everything and says uh yeah you know uh I guess we

could go against I could take these pegs out it might take me a day to like get these things secure I put them wherever you want though should we fire where do you think we should put them yeah I mean I think it's pretty sensible to put them both in the front, because then you're in attack position. You're flying your

boat right at something. Or if there's an animal in front of you, you can just spear these things. Doesn't that leave us vulnerable on the stern? The cannons can wheel wherever you want. This is a real weaponized boat now. Alright. Well, let's do that, then. Put them on the front, I think. can wheel wherever you want this is a real weaponized boat now all right all right well

let's do that then put them on the front i think okay so there it'll only take her an hour to finish if you want her to have them both fix the front but yeah they'd be on either side they'd be sort of like on the ground on the flat on the yeah yeah yeah like that pointing right exactly i've got you yeah all right that way that way you can start to curve away from something and still hit it because they're out like that. Do it. All right. So, yep.

It only takes her an hour and you guys are now rested. Just to be clear, you're not attacking the weird jellyfish thing. I don't think so. Okay. And he got a good look at it. It has weird eye stocks and it's a weird jellyfish. It's another... Does Gus recognize it? I don't know what that was.

I guess not. It looked magical, though. Oh, I think you're right. Wolf size. Weird way to describe it, wolf size. I don't know who would be that weird. It's bigger than me. That's all I said.

Isn't that just like wolf on spaghetti? All right. So are you guys going to pull up anchor and head southeast? Am I correct? Are you heading down the river towards the wizard? Yeah. Yes. Are we up to see the wizard?

Yeah. Do we know? Yeah. No, I'm thinking we should have talked to this thing. Damn it. Sorry. Can I say a perfect, I think with the proficiency, just so we know for the future, I'm pretty sure these numbers already include the proficiency bonus.

Got it. On your proficiency, so you don't also add the, if you're using the D&D. You rolled high, so I don't think it would have changed either of the rolls. For everybody else. I don't know about it. I don't see anything about advantage, but I'll take it anytime you offer it. All right. Very nice.

So you guys, yeah, if you're heading down the river, it's going to take you at least another day of sailing once you pull up anchor. All right, we're into this. Let's do it. All right, let's get another perception and survival roll. It takes me a day. Snort.

Nine for perception. Wooort. Nine for perception. Woof. That's bad. Do a survival roll for me, Brian. I'm about to. I call them Cinnabons. 22. Damn.

So at the very last second, you manage to dodge a shipwreck that's kind of sticking up shipwreck out of the water uh you totally didn't see it but at the very last second darkthor is able to steer the boat to the west and then steer it back away from the whirlpool yeah well he he your watch had a low roll so it got lost in the mists but you yeah with the survival check you managed to keep the boat from- Well, thank God. There, you've got your mom's pirate eyes in you. You really-

Get my mom out of it. I'm not saying you really handle the boat. Thanks. Pirate eyes. They're watching you. I feel like Brian got pretty saucy there. You're not sour at all. You're salty. I was going Brian got pretty saucy there. You're not sour at all. You're salty.

I was going to say he was sour. Sweet and sour. On the seas. Sounds delicious. Sweet and sour? Too many tastes at once. Yeah. And you get down. Sorry, still rolling. But it's nighttime again as you approach

the mouth of the river. I miss the beholder. You can go back. No one's ever said that. Beholdy. One thing you guys rarely do is go back. So that's always- You guys generally plow forward or run away.

You can head back towards the beholder. No. You can go towards the river. River, we're committing, huh? We're definitely going towards the river. So it's nighttime. Are you going to make a nighttime trip? Mm-hmm. Yes, head for the river.

Well, you've got dark vision, don't you, Darkther? Yes. It's in your name. Mm-hmm. All right. We certainly do. Are the rest of you going to sleep while you... I would like to attune to uh the magic long knife that i

have okay let's get in our play you remember more details about it because all i have is magic long knife yep let's get in our can of check yo cool okay so now i'm no not to add quite so much to my proficiency here. Oh, well, that was terrible. Eight. You should add your proficiency a third time. Yeah, I mean, you definitely... Well, holy shit, I just looked up and saw something. Wow.

I just gave him a very angry look. Dear listener, don't do what I did The real knives were in Sarah's eyes everybody Thaumaturgy Dear Side Eye Magazine Halcine's eyes contain the flames of a thousand suns as she tells you to

back the fuck up Backed You're not sure, you feel like you gotta study it again but you're definitely getting there Are you resting um backed you're not sure you feel like you gotta study it again but you're definitely getting there you're getting there great are you resting or are you going to

again everyone gonna try to stay up all night to sail through this thing let's just sail through right nobody needs to rest do we to get a night's sleep

we can take shifts if we want yeah we can take shifts to rest I mean we don't have to uh let's see them perception checks from whoever's

I'm sorry up doing watch I'll be up to watch. Yeah. And I'll do four people volunteered and rolled to do watch. Let's do it. All right. How seen does it for 15?

Yeah. Uh, you think you see tents with people walking around them a little ways into show little ways into shore. As you guys start sailing inland, uh, they're on both sides. Hmm. Guys, I think I see tents. Most of them are asleep. Two tents.

Should I wake them up? You can tell TikTok. DM, should I wake them up? What do you think? TikTok, I see tents. Do you think we should wake everybody up? Yes. So we wake everyone up.

What is it? I was sleeping. There's tents, there's people, there's civilization. It's a nice dream. I was really hoping we were going to get like a queep snore. Cracked corn dreams? Or queep? Queep's cracked corn dreams.

How many tents? How many people? It looks like there are hundreds of tents. Oh, wow. On both sides. On both sides. But they're like a half. Do they see us? Not half, a quarter mile in.

Do they look familiar? Do they see us? Are there any? Everybody do a perception check. Guards or anything? Does Dr. Ud recognize these people of the land? Do a perception check, fella. I don't recognize it.

13. 21. 18. 18. TikTok is the only one. They're pretty far away, but you see the familiar gate. With my dark vision, too? He also has... Okay. Yeah, it's's but he had to get you needed a 20

oh okay gotcha you needed a 20 all right uh they're far away to be clear yes they're a quarter mile away you can tell the familiar uh like body posture of gnomes any blue crystals or anything sticking out? Too far away. That's like the new thing. Guards? Are they covered in crystals? But from where are their tents? Is our boat visible?

You feel like you can see some that are near and they maybe have scoped you out, but they're not coming out to meet you or anything. So we can just sail through? They don't care. Sail past? scoped you out, but they're not coming out to meet you or anything. So we can just sail through?

They don't care. How close is this to whatever mountain we're heading towards? You're headed towards an island called Dame Island. Hilarious. I'm actually going to have... You're all up.

Let's have Hal seen and Queep. You're the only two who are allowed to do this because you're all up let's have Hal seen and you're the only two who are allowed to do this because you're from nearby geographically I'm going to have you do a foggy memory check so if you remember this is a wisdom plus charisma

minus two so add your wisdom and charisma bonuses and then subtract two sometimes that will mean a negative number but that's what's hard about remembering. Right. Oh. Well, it gives me an eight plus, but I got rolled a one, so.

I got a minus one. No, I mean a minus one to my 10. Okay, so you got a nine. What was your total? One plus eight, so nine. You both rolled nines. Yeah, so Queep a nine. What was your total? One plus eight, so nine. You both rolled nines. Yeah. So, Queep, you have rarely been outside the Rusted Mountains

and your homeland, which we've talked about recently. But, yeah, you're like, I think I might have passed by dame island whenever i i try to recall if i flew nearby or hired a boat there it's just hard to place those days before the comet hit i just can't quite do it uh and hal seen you're like oh i've definitely been to dame island very briefly it's it's up river from blue bog where i used to live, but I can't, I don't remember where the good dock is or what's going on with Dame Island. But I would say you clearly enough can remember

you live in Blue Bog or lived 10 years ago in Blue Bog, which is southeast down the river of Dame Island. And, Queep, you definitely remember your homeland. I left my map book at home, which I'm at a bit of a disadvantage. No, it's different. This is a different map? This is my homeland map.

Yeah, Ken has... Oh. So Ken, your homeland is east of Dame Island. You remember that much. The Rusted Mountains. Yeah, he's in sort of the western edge. His people are sort of like in the western edge of

there. Alright, so we're just going to hit this island, right? Yeah. Okay. It's going to take a couple days downriver. Well, then let's keep sailing, I guess. Great, let's get we're gonna not do anything about the gnomes what do you want to do to them not at the moment

all right hey tiktok do an insight check for me in the site 19. It occurs to you that the land of Peppergreen used to be solid ground, rolling hills, green fields, all where the giant deadly whirlpool now is. And these may be gnomish refugees from Peppergreen.

Ooh. So they would, if they don't know the Baron, they might also know Gexwick? It's possible. Gexwick waswick was of course the gnome you guys were sort of rescued from he's the guy who was in charge of like the the ice yes i will mention that to them this could be more friends but we do we want help a A gnome? The gnomes, yes. Yeah. All help is good, I think. You got a gnome?

Oh, boy. Physical bit? Hold on. Hold on, you guys. I'm getting a phone call. I gotta take this. Hello? Oh, hey, hi. Uh-huh. Yeah, he did say that.

Uh-huh. Oh, okay. Should I tell him? Okay. Hello? Sorry. Hello? Sorry, we're getting swatted.

Hello? It's 6 o'clock in the morning your boat is sailing down the river past uh quarter mile away tents full of gnomes um i i mean i from the map that i have the it said the archmage of van der veil was out in these like this area here right that's right that's why i thought we were going isn't that i thought that's where we were going to oh okay i thought dame island had come up i i was trying to go here yeah i thought we were going here because that we were sort of told okay that's why superman cool so that we were going where the domes are anyway was our plan okay yeah the to the east there are gnomes on either way but there's you definitely would be passing through gnomes and you're far enough down river now where yeah it's kind of a line about what you thought the

why don't we set anchor and talk to the gnomes yeah see if we can get like a cheeseburger and a gnome sure great who are you going to leave on the boat you've got a small pile of NPCs as usual

why don't we send the cook no I'm kidding why don't we go are you? No, I'm kidding. Why don't we go? Are you going to bring the cook? No. Does he want to come? He's like, well, I could. I don't know. You're taking Hoshinka and you're leaving Jonklin.

We're going to bring Hoshinka and leave everybody else. So you set anchor. There's a, you easily find. Our table's ready. TGI Fridays. everybody else so you set anchor there's a you easily find tables ready hello oh pgi fridays you guys managed to find yeah an easy point to just sort of get the boat a little bit east of the middle of the river but there's no dock or anything so you just have to try to not crash and drop anchor in the river um well that's good yeah uh you kind of wade across the river a little bit. You don't have a boat to take to the shore. And yeah, what, start walking towards the encampment, is that?

Yes. Are you trying to be sneaky, or are you just kind of going? Great. Hello. So you walk a little ways before a couple of gnomish guards run up to you. Hello, we are friends of the Baron. What? The Baron of Peppergreen.

Do a charisma check. Oh, boy. You almost summoned Fonzie there. Sorry, you caught me off guard with your very TikToki and confidence. charisma check. Oh boy. You almost summoned Fonzie there. Sorry. You caught me off guard with your very TikToki and confidence. Three. You caught them off guard too.

They go. It's a very Sir Richard. It was shades of Jerry. Hail Jerry. The Baron of Pepper Green is dead. It's one of my favorite XTC songs Right That goes along with what we were saying You're friends of a dead man

Do you want a medal? Do you want a trophy? I feel like TikTok would not like this Yeah, I'm very much like How much do you like your nose? Do an intimidation check bet he likes it i wish bodhi was here 13. uh they both um take a defensive stance and lower the spears that they're carrying and point them in your direction well you're the one who was it? What is your business here? We're protecting the

encampment from people like you. What encampment? We don't know anything about it. We saw your tents and thought we were seeing friends. They kind of gesture with their heads over their shoulder. And at this point, you are close. You see, there's clearly

refugee tents like you thought. Did you flee? Where did you flee from? Peppermint? They just kind of squint suspiciously. We've been gone a long time. We need some catching up. Can you help us out, please?

Do a persuasion check. Sure. A long, lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely time. 19. What was the question specifically just we've been gone a long time we're trying to get caught up on what's happening here yeah and we mean no harm we're just asking

pepper green is no more it's government is no more it's patron rich people like the baron are no more we're just trying to get by and establish some kind of civilization. We get raided by goblins all the time. Oh, do you? I pull out the goblin ear.

We get raided by Dratlana all the time. I pull out the goblin ear necklace, and I'm like, not a fan of goblins. Yeah. And Dratlana might not be a problem anymore. Do a charisma check. A great way to be allies is to be a cocksucker, by the way. I'm in the middle of charming these guys. Okay, that's exactly...

She does a charisma. You got to do an intimidation with that cocksucker comment. That's... Who do you say that to? I didn't even hear what you said. What are the guards? Twelve. Twelve. They charge TikTok with their spears and on that note

let's pause the action I wish everybody could see that face I don't like that at all hey TikTok this is for the camera yeah remember at the last episode when you said

Dan fucked us it was the same face i really thought we were gonna die well let's hear what uh sam thought yeah what do you think did you think we were gonna die oh i took some detailed notes guys wake me up before you go is of course a reference from the wham song looks like we're making a run for the boat the fuck is a drow uh the descent that's's what I am. Oh, nice. The descent is an indie horror movie released in 2005. Someone a teamed up time boat with some steel.

It's very funny to me when we rest plane has claws. The term mocktail first appeared in an issue of food service marketing in 1979. I think Sarah got some sort of shield and Conrad Blaine played Philip Drummond on different strokes. Yeah, sure did.

Ken got magic bird boots, I think. Okay, so Gus is our slave, right? There's something in the water in front of the boat. We move some cannons around. I don't understand Blaine's Wolf on Spaghetti reference. Congrats, you beat me. It's very

funny to me when somebody in the group is shitty to someone else for no reason as a testament to your gameplay. I generally didn't know you could go back in a direction you've already been I just looked at up now. You looked up the you could play as a dry. I thought you had to just keep moving forward because of how you guys play never got back. Can you go back? Oh absolutely. In fact, back? Oh, absolutely. In fact, this is really quick aside.

I have notes for like what will happen after everyone leaves. The time is. Yeah. Yeah. That's great. We're coming up on a bunch of tents over on Dame Island near Blue Bog. Wait, if this is near Ken's homeland, is there a bird island nearby? We're going to talk to some gnomes.

Oh, great. They're dicks. Why is everyone shady to us? Nice. True every word. Episode 28. Thanks, Sam. Thanks, you guys. That was a fun one, buddy. Thanks for

listening and follow us on Patreon. For July we have a couple of cool things where we played. Should I say it? Oh, yeah. Absolutely. It'll be too late. they'll have already heard it yeah so you wow my favorite part hey listeners we love you but please go suck a thorny demon dick bye thanks for listening to another episode of nerd poker You can follow us at patreon.com slash nerdpoker, and you get bonus episodes from there.

And you can also send us anything at P.O. Box 16069, Encino, California, 91416. Thanks for listening. 28-29. Rolling. Got tape speed. Taping speeding.