Nerd Poker - Episode 29 - Broken Bloodlines

Episode Date: November 8, 2017

After making the long journey back to the dwarven city of Glorindan, our heroes have made an uncertain acquaintance with Grizma Greycragg, the last royal of the city. Though battle may pause, the social hostilities of Amynna continue as they make difficult negotiations for supplies with the queen and liberate her evil Great, Great, Great Grandfather. Will Bodhi be the only one to keep a cool head? Will Twee get to play a song in the ancient orchestra pit of Glorindan? Will Tom be haunted by his past? Only time will blah blah blah etc etc the pope's a nazi.

Hey, it's Brian Possehn. I used to have a podcast where I played Dungeons & Dragons with a bunch of my friends. I missed it, so I decided to make a new one. It's called Brian Possehn's Nerd Poker. It's myself, a couple of my buddies, Blank and Patch, Dan Telfer, Ken Daly, an occasional guest or two, and we're gonna be playing in a new setting, my dining room. Each week you'll hear my wife, my son, my dogs, and we're gonna be playing in a place that I love and playing the game that I've loved half my

life, Dungeons & Dragons. We've got fifth edition, and we're ready. So are you ready? Here's Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker. Hey, everybody. You're listening to Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker. I'm Brian Poussaint. Hey, friends. Hi, I'm a friend.

Oh, God. Ken, Dan, Blaine. Thing that dropped. Hi, people. By the way, remember to check out fucking Elderwood Economy slash Nerd Poker. Because they gave us cool stuff.

I don't know why I couldn't form any of those syllables just then. I'm starting to look up our patreon's on the website well so 29 people are listening to right yeah that's a lot of episodes yeah campaign oh my god I had one asshole remember we had sound issues listeners still remember yeah yeah yeah I always have sound issues? Listeners still remember when we had sound issues. I always have sound issues. I did a Twitter poll where I was like, how do you think this campaign is going to end?

And I thought I had three fun options for the poll. One guy replied to the tweet and was like, man, it's been fun, but it's got to end somehow. I mean, hurry up. It's gone on long enough. And I was like, this is the shortest campaign nerd poker has done still. What are you fucking...

Oh, man. What kind of... Maybe he doesn't know what D&D is. Piece of shit idiot. What? Pope's a Nazi. No, no, no. But yeah, I was like,

who plays D&D and is like, I hope this just is over. Jesus. Wrap it up. We've had about enough of these Star Wars. Star Wars. Thank you, C. Sean Longstreet. I saw Sean Longstreet.

Go, Sean Longstreet, go. Thank you, Beer Belly. Thanks, Beer Belly. Thank you you Beer Belly Thanks Beer Belly Thanks Brian Thanks Sean Trill Thanks Sean If you can't sleep Thank you A Folke

Thanks A Folke F O U L K E A Falkie Thanks Falkie And you know what I think we may have Already said this one But I just

It came up again In the randomizer And I just Thank you Skeletor's dick Skeletor's dick Is a bone If we haven't said

That one already I'm just extra grateful For Skeletor's dick Skeletor's dick I don't remember that And I would really Remember Skeletor's dick You can see

Skeletor's dick Ladies and gentlemen You can see Skeletor's dick. Ladies and gentlemen. You can see how my pelvis is wider to allow a child to pass through. This episode was brought to you by Skeletor's dick. Loyal subscriber since June. I wonder if Skeletor can suck his own dick. Probably this detaches, right? Yeah.

Detachable Skeletor's dick. Loyal subscriber since August. Detachable Skeletor dick. We're subscribers since August. Detachable Skeletor dick. He knows it's that Skeletor's dick. Wait, what? Hey, man, I'm going to need that back. I went to a party and I lost my Skeletor dick, so I... I lost my Skeletor dick in El Segundo.

Hey, I can't find my Skeletor dick. Can somebody call me? Somebody call me so I can at least... I think at least my ringer should be on. Find my Skeletor dick on your phone. What happens in episode 28? All right. Send this one here.

You guys encountered some obsidian dwarves that rose up out of the ground when you're trying to head to the city of Glorindon the the dwarven city and you met someone at the gates Queen Grisma queen of glora dub surviving surviving heir of Glorindonab. Surviving heir of Glorabdab. And she's welcoming you down to her shop. Granddaughter of Baris. Yeah, distant descendant of Count Baris, who, although appears much taller, appears much younger than Grisma,

is, in fact, her elder. She's walking you down the stairs. Bet that hurts. I haven't heard the last 12 things I've said. Yeah, she takes you down. Down, down, down.

You see there used to be some sort of common area there's some torches lit um everything is pretty clean but very empty you don't see any of these other dwarves that she was talking about you feel like you're sort of fastidious it's kind of like last man on earth of the the pilot episode where uh will forte is just walking around a mansion by himself. You just feel like you're kind of in this abandoned city that

the queen sort of has in front of the place. Where are the dwarves? Six people or whatever. She says they're deeper in the depths. Cool. They don't really come out much. They're all in their 300s. Oh, wow. They're all quite old.

They think they run the place, though, she says. She laughs. They're all men. And she thinks little of their stupid manly ways. Cracks a few feminist jokes. Mocks.

She says they've formed a sort of council uh she's refused to produce any more offspring as she thinks it is futile and she would like to end her line so uh they they all proposed marriage in an effort to continue the dwarf population and she refused and they are what's left and uh she sort of uh masterminded the idea they form a sort of Glornden council to keep themselves busy and imagine they have some sort of power so they will stop trying to marry her. So one of them is a powerful sorcerer, but the rest of them are... Are any of them psychotherapists?

No, but there's a postman, a leather worker, a tailor, a gem carver. They're all pretty boring guys in one sorcerer. Most of them are, by sheer luck, the surviving dwarves of the city. The rest died out well over a century ago. Jeez. Why did they die out? Just because... Why?

Did you see the obsidian outside? Yeah, what caused that, actually? There was a great battle in which most of her people did not survive. Who did they fight? A dragon. Oh, okay.

So he burned the ground. Those are tough. Yes. He had got it. Yes. And cursed it somehow, it seems. It was an undead dragon. Oh, neat.

It was a soldier in the Demolith's army who wanted to flush the dwarves out and succeeded. So the whole thing was rather fitting and full of hubris. And they were lured out by treasure. I bet you came up with that before someone else did. Undead Dragon. Huh? I bet you came up with the Undead Dragon idea before someone else did. Oh, before Game of

Thrones? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. This was written into the campaign well before that season. In fact, in fact, she tells you it's still out there somewhere oh shit

those are problematic well Gago says we actually encountered like a a drake thing a skeletal drake. Remember that shit? Yeah.

You mean the Italian rapper from Degrassi? No, that was Spike. No, Gago referenced that thing the first time you went through the mists that you destroyed. Yeah. And Griezmann says, oh, it's much bigger than that. That must have been one of its servants, though. You may have just barely

missed an encounter with it. Good. It has a whole nest in the mountains. Oh, shit. More stuff to worry about. But yeah, the Demolith wanted to wipe out the dwarven population, and for the most part, he succeeded.

He lured them all out and massacred them at the steps of Glorindon. I think you should get back to fucking and bring back this beautiful city you have. She laughs and says it's been quite some time since she was able to

bear children. I can't bear them in a restaurant, you know what I mean? Long since come to peace with the idea of ending her line. Was it Rocky Place? She says she's in

her 200s. Full of cobwebs and dead mice. Hey, one of them might be Stuart Little. Maybe they have a little family and they wear vests

and stuff. I just pictured Willard. So she leads you to... Fred Willard? Slash Ben. I know. Same thing. Yeah.

She leads you to a hall that you can tell used to be for music. There's a lot of chairs. There's sort of an acoustically complimentary theater. And you see that the theater pit is full of glittering items full of treasure and Once you and all the elves kind of stop in your tracks and make that very noise. Oh She turns on her heel and wheels around and says whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa Let's be clear

This is a shop and the only reason I let you down here is because I think I can take any of you very easily we know we're shopping so that's why I don't permit scruff like those drow in here losers

they think this city is a graveyard only sure it's a graveyard but there's still people here that call this city a home and it'll be a city and not a tomb until the last of us dies so what is it I can interest you in you know I'd like one of those vibrating chairs that they have at Brookstone that would be be great. I'm kidding. Do you have anything that is good to fight vampirism? She strokes her chin and says,

well, you're not here to kill Barriss, are you? No. He's still... I don't know. Barriss is going to help us. She laughs again and says, there's no way Barriss is leaving this city. The coward is worthless.

If you think he's going to help you, you've severely underestimated how much of a puss this guy is. Whoa. All right, well. Boy, this is going to be a great Christmas. Yeah, he said he would. Gago is definitely laughing at everything Grisma says,

and Grisma says, okay, okay, as long as you're not here to kill him, I would still defend him. Pile of trash that he is. It seems like you love him. I defend him with much regret. Part of me wished that he had died in his castle, but he came here, tail between his legs, defeated, weeping, begging for forgiveness.

Look, I get it. He's family. You love family, don't you? I love family. All my friends, they're family, too. Yeah? I don't got friends. What about enemies?

I got enemies. I got plenty of those. Yeah. But I like to, sometimes I like to make friends. What about enemies? I got enemies. I got plenty of those. Yeah. But I like to, sometimes I like to make friends. What about acquaintances? I make friends with them. Acquaintances, I don't really talk to them much. Roll a charisma check.

Anyone who wants vampire fighting gear. Six. Six. Six in the morning. Charisma is high what is it with the bonus twelve would you roll with your bonus

I got twelve would you roll Odie your charisma's got no bonus yeah I don't have shit six so she she sort of shrugs and says oh I think you three look powerful enough for vampire hunting.

I don't know if anything in my pit of treasure is treasure as much as what you've got on your backs. What about now? what about now she laughs and waits for you to ask for something else it looks like she has a lot of stuff in there yeah but that she's gonna either wait for you to be specific or okay you don't know if maybe the vampire question put her on her heels a little bit and you might want to keep it a little more simple. But it was maybe a touchy subject. Well, we could use any kind

of thing that would aid us in battle. Not even specifically vampires, but anything you could... She asks to see your weapons and right away looks at yours, Bodhi, and says I can't compete with this. This looks like some sort of holy weapon. Yeah, it is the Herald of Kelmar.

Someone put it out on, I forget if it was Patreon or Facebook. Someone said every time they hear Herald of Kelmar, they think it's the Herald of Kumar. I didn't even think of that. No, me neither. When I named the dumb thing. I'm going to take it to White Castle. There you go.

Yeah, she says she's got some sliders if you want some sliders. No, Tui and Tom, she says, what kind of weapons are you looking for? Powerful. She says, boy, you're being real vague. Your dreams seem real weak. You know what I'd like?

I'd like some magic arrows or a magic bow that helps me shoot people from a distance and kill them before they can get close enough to hurt. Roll a charisma check, please. I would like that, too.

You want to buy mine? I just have a proficiency. I have gloves. Specifically, you roll a charisma check to me. On my braces, that's what it was. A nine. With what? With my bonus. That's what it was. A nine. With what?

With my bonus. That's with your bonus? Yeah. She says, oh, well I can sell you a magic bow, sure. And she shows you a long bow. It's a plus one long bow. Plus one long bow. It's really nice. How much?

She says, oh, that'll be a hundred gold, please. We have a hundred gold lying around? Why don't you take a look? How much? She says, oh, that'll be 100 gold, please. Do we have 100 gold lying around? Why don't you take a look? Hopefully you've been keeping track. I wouldn't have introduced you to a shop if I hadn't known that you'd picked up things like gold bars and gems. You've definitely got stuff to barter with.

I do have some gems. I don't know if I have a lot of gold on me. I can load you some. Did you keep track of what kind of gem, or shall I just call it a... I had four gems that I had located during a treasure sweep. Okay. Any gold? I probably do, but I don't... I usually never carry more than ten on me.

She sees you take the four gems out and she can tell by the look on your face that you kind of don't know what you got there. And she says, oh, I'll trade you for one of those gems. Sure, that's worth about a hundred gold. Hmm. What a bunch of rubes.

What are they? Hmm? What, these gems? Yeah, we're getting ripped off. Which one of these gems do you like? You pick. Hmm. There was some way to know the real value. Can I Shazam these gems?

Huh? Can I Shazam these gems? No. Hey, you know what? I'm going to keep looking around a little bit. She says, all right. Well, off her stance, she sets it aside and looks to you, Tom, and says, what can I interest you in? I would like a better sword.

Okay. Here's my sword now. It is lame. Let me see your sheet. I want to see exactly what you're packing. It's a short sword. You've got standard 1d6 short sword. Great. Roll a charisma check, please.

Alright. But I award you a 16. She smiles and says, oh, absolutely. And she brings you a short sword that is a very long, fine blade, but it's got a light handle, and it's very needle-like. It's kind of like a, uh, uh, how do I put this? Like a short sword usually has a thinner blade cause it's meant for a swift

cuts. This has got very long, very thin, almost. It looks impossibly thin. Uh, and it's got a golden serpent on the handle. She says,

uh, what kind of gold do you, uh, think this is worth, young man? Young demon. What does that serpent do on the handle? It's part of the magic in it. I like it.

What do you think it's worth? You tell me. 75? 75 it is. How much gold do you have Tom I'm not saying as your dungeon master I think I'm allowed to know

94 yeah she doesn't know this you have 94 great so she happily hands it over for 75 I have 54 by the way 54 gold still not enough well you rolled real low on that charisma check, and she is a dealer.

So she looks at you, Bodhi, and says, again, I cannot do that sword, but I'm happy to help anything. Some sort of range weapon. Thinking bow, crossbow, something unique. Yeah, something unique. Roll a 20 she offers you a set of bolos where you can whip them over your head and throw them. She says I Be happy to sell you ten of these for

Their real big. I mean you can probably take down a pretty large thing. I saw you ten of these for 50 gold I've never used those before I don't know she says they work I'm not selling you trash nothing here is trash no they're not magical Mavis just came in to say hi everybody hi Mavis

by the way if you guys have seen the viral video of a squirrel trying to bury a nut in a dog that is the kind of dog Mavis is. And Mavis would let that squirrel do that. Oh, my God. Barney's mountain dogs are the fucking nicest animals in the world. Really good temperaments.

I know a guy who got arrested for trying to bury a nut in a dog. Oh, Jesus. Ken, you had to ruin this wonderful animal lover's moment. That's exactly what I brought into it. Did you see that movie, A Dog's Penis? Oh, my God. Don't listen to me. Nobody saw Lipstick.

Tell me, Bodhi, what do you think? The Queen's made you an offer. I guess I can get more gold later. Sure. Great. So she takes 50 of your gold and gives you 10 of these Bolo things that you could use to potentially smash somebody from a distance or trip them. They're going to do 1d4 damage and have a chance.

All dogs go to University of Arizona. A chance to trip or entangle if you want them to. But the entangle would only last one turn tops. All dogs go to Lake Havasu entangled if you want to. But the entangle would only last one turn tops. Although it's going to be four gold pieces left. So ten bolas. What do I do? I notice anything cool

about my sword? Checking it out. Yeah, you get a look at your sword and as soon as you put it in your hand uh you feel uh there's definitely magic in this thing um it's gonna go ahead and be um it's a it's a it's a special custom sword that i cooked up for you so you might want to write this down yeah all. All right? This is going to work in a real fun way

that I think you're going to enjoy. All right. All right, because you rolled high, my son, and you took a deal. Oh, yeah. So this guy, when you roll your 20 to attack, if you get a success,

you're going to roll a four-sided dice. Okay? to attack, if you get a success, you're going to roll a four-sided dice. You get to roll another four-sided dice for every number on that four-sided dice. So if you roll a four, you get to roll so you can do up to

16 damage but it's kind of random it also it has a chance if you get a critical to cast a spell as it connects that will be a surprise.

So you'll want to keep track if you roll a 20 while swinging this thing, because I will say it will do a massive amount of damage if you roll a critical with this thing. So if it sounds like it could potentially go real low, because it could just do like one damage or something, it's because there is a chance to do a massive amount of damage. So thin blade, there's that to keep in mind. It's almost more of a dueling weapon.

So the roll for damage is a four-sided, but it can turn into 60, basically. And any given swing, it could do anything from 1d4 to 4d4 damage with a critical chance of a spell being cast out of it. Awesome. That's super cool. She looks to all three of you,

but in particular, Tui, who has not made a purchase yet, and says, anything else? Anything else? Do you have anything else not maybe bow related? Do you have anything magical lying around? bow related? Do you have anything like magical lying around? I don't know what I'm looking for It's full of magical

items but you gotta tell me what you want I'm not gonna tell you everything I have It's part of how I stay alive down here is not revealing everything You know I like to I like to stay quiet I like to stay quiet Do you have any shoes I could use?

Keep my feet warm and also help me sort of get around without drawing a lot of attention to myself. Roll a 20-sided charisma check, won't you? Nine. Not doing very good with this woman. She says, sure, I mean, I've got some shoes I'll sell you that'll add some stealth. And you take a look at what she's offering you, and it looks like you might get like a plus one stealth bonus to it. Yeah.

She offers it to you for 80 gold. Hmm. I'll take another of those gems off your hands. She's got some high prices here. Well, when you roll low, she sure does. Yeah, you know, I'm not... The better you roll, the higher the quality, and the lower the price.

But Twee's kind of rolling middle ground, so he's going to get some offers for magical stuff, the lower the price. Twee's kind of rolling middle ground, so he's going to get some offers for magical stuff, but he's not going to get them. Yeah, I'm not really feeling it. She's not really impressed with the question. She'll go one more round with you two guys. Oh, do you have any lockpicks? She says lockpicks. You're not going to use them on my Oh, do you have any lock picks?

She says, lock picks? You're not going to use them on my door, are you? And she laughs and says... After he shoved it open? She says, sure, sure. I've got lock picks. No need to barter at all. How many do you want? I'll take like 20.

She says she'll sell you 20 for like 10 gold. If you've got 10 gold laying around. I'll give like 20. She says she'll sell you 20 for like 10 gold. If you got 10 gold laying around. I'll give you five. Do a charisma check. Yeah. She says sure. All right. So you just got a big fucking pile of lock picks.

Yay. Bodhi, anything? Are you sure you don't have any other thing I could maybe fire at somebody? Oh, damn it. She says, why don't you get a little more specific this time, buddy? Okay. Before you roll that dice. Something that I could...

Got a long list of stuff. But I want to know what you want. I want to get something that suits you. I think a crossbow might be awesome. Oh! you want I want to I want to get something that suits you oh you have no charisma bonus so whatever the dice says your role 12 so she brings you out a crossbow and says it's got a real good chance to hit this one give it to you for 50 gold don't have it I have 44 she says hmm tell you what I'll let you have it you've been good you give me a lot of gold I like the girl then I'm out of gold so you've got a crossbow. She throws in 10 bolts.

Okay. Plus one chance to hit. All right. Let's earn some gold. I swore one of you had a gold bar. Maybe that was in a bonus episode. Yeah. But Tweed, she looks at you, and even though she's given you just as many chances as everyone else you still haven't bought anything off of her so she

goes last chance hmm i'm good nothing i'm good she kind of squints at you and says all right she goes over to the elves. They just stock up on basics. They find the whole experience to be a little uncomfortable, so they just buy some rations. She's got plenty, just old mushrooms dried up from her stores. Yeah, not pleasant, but everybody feels like they need some more rations because they could be marching across the continent.

And she says, all right. Shall I take you to see the coward? Do we have enough rations for ourselves? Oh, you've got plenty, yeah. You're really well stocked. You've stocked up with the wood elves, and I'm saying that they're not even spending a ton of gold on it. You guys are set unless you lose your your supplies at this point you've got at least a couple weeks worth of stuff in your stores you were in a healthy part of the woods uh so there's a lot of food there yeah she says

shall i take you to the card or do you have any other business in gloren Do you have any magnifying glasses? She says, are you serious? What do you mean magnifying glasses? Like a glass of magnification. For long seeing? Or for close up? For close seeing. Tiny things.

She said she kind of closed up shop. thought we had two rows oh you know no yeah it was your so if you want to roll a charisma check you convince her to reopen the shop yeah give a shot what's your bonus for six she raises an eyebrow and says well let me see what I have. Roll one more time. See how good her offer is. Oh, shit. All right. So she says, oh, just wait, just wait, just wait.

She brings back this little tiny thing that looks like a scarab, a bright metallic scarab with... It's got like a silver metallicness to it, but also like a hues of blue and um she hands it to you you open it by kind of sliding the wings apart and it's it looks like a magnifying glass but she says that'll tell you if something's got magic properties as well as

give you a closer look if you like love Love it. That'll be 100 gold. Oh, I don't have 100 gold. I'd be willing to make a trade. All right, what do you like? Oh, treasure. Something I can sell. Well... Excuse me.

I've got a short sword on me. What do you think? It's just a chair, guys. Does it have any magical properties? No, it's just a good old short sword. Cool. Roll a charisma check, and I'll tell you right now it's going to be a difficulty 10, so right down the middle.

Boom. She says sold. You smell like a dog. You rolled high originally. She brought you a real good item. She wanted to make the sale. We'll consider that a

critical success. That's the scarab of far-seeing. You can see something's aura. You're not sure how the colors are going to, of the auras are going to line up magic wise, but you feel like you can play a decoding game over time.

If you, if you want to test it out. So anytime you want to test it out, just say the word and I'll tell you what color aura things have. Okay. Um, and yeah, uh, huh. Do you take it out and look? Yeah. aura things have. And yeah. What color aura does she have? Do you take it out and look?

She herself does not have an aura. Whoa. But her armor has a pale green aura. And as does her war hammer that she has strapped to her back right now. She says, yeah, do you want to go see the coward?

Do you have any other business in the world? Yes, let's go see the coward. So she... His name is Barris. And he's a friend of mine. She says, oh, Barris, if you must. Barris, if you must. So she walks you out of the library orchestra pit area.

Nothing. out of the library orchestra pit area. Nothing. And you go down a long, narrow hall into what looks like a wine cellar. Down a long, narrow hall. Very dark. It's pitch black. And you see there's some whiskey casks.

There's one torch near the bottom of the stairs, but then the cellar kind of expands out into the darkness, and she says, I'm kind of listening to him talk. He's been doing a lot of crying lately, so I'm just going to head up the stairs. I assume if he's your friend, you're not afraid of him, so I'm just going to leave you to it.

You just let Grisma know it. You just, uh, you let Grisma know if you need anything from her, and I'll see you when you're done. She heads up the stairs, and you see, uh... Thank you, Grisma! You've been a wonderful host. Uh,

you see, uh, far, after she leaves, far down in the cellar, two very pale red lights light up in the dark. Uh, those are right there. Eyes. Yeah.

And, and you guys, uh, do you think it's her? No, no, not her in the dark. And,

um, you guys realize, Oh, you've got dark seeing, but we are not really able to see through this darkness. The elves are kind of smooshed together in the

stairwell, and they just, ooh, I would love that. Thank you. Dangling me a black cherry soda. Goddamn right. Dr. Brown. Dr. Brown's good. Dr. Brown. Forenmeier says he'll since 1869.

Nice. High five. Hell yeah. 69. Vorenmeier says he'll speak for the elves and sends the rest of them up to wait with charisma. Vorenmeier hangs out with you three and says um yeah it uh looks like your friend's hiding in some magical darkness i don't

know why he's not talking uh what do you want to do hey barris we've missed you um the the glowing red eyes closer, but you still don't hear anything. Is there a filter we could use to get rid of the red eye? I'm going to look through the magnifying glass. Hmm? I'm going to look through the magnifying glass. So you open up the scarab and look through the magnifying glass, and sure enough, you see a dark red form in the shadows you can't figure out

what it is it's only a silhouette it's humanoid and it's it's it's about Bodhi's height it's real tall is that how tall he was yeah okay all right yeah okay so it's fake yeah he was a he was a Yeah. Oh, okay. Oh, right. Yeah, he was kind of in a fake form. Yeah, he was a magically heightened dwarf. He basically looked like a Goliath. All right, let's go

over to... It's us, Barriss. He inches a little closer. Don't be shy. And he says, What do you want with me? Have you forgotten us? No.

You sent us on a mission. Did you succeed? Kind of, so far. I see you have an elf with you. Yes. What do you want from me? Why are we whispering? Yeah, you have to come with us to finish this.

He backs into the shadows as if afraid. What happened to you? He doesn't answer. You're not acting like you used to. Last time you saw him, he was in gleaming armor. Yeah. Yeah, he's lost some confidence. What happened?

Did your, what are they, brothers, cousins? The other vampires? You hear weak. You're weak? So weak. Can we heal you? What do you need? Blood.

Hungry. Yeah. Hmm. Shit. Let's take up a collection. Of our blood? Yeah. He's not going to drink it directly from our bodies. Let's take up a collection Of our blood? Yeah He's not going to drink it directly from our bodies

Okay I'm just going to fill his skin With some of our blood And then do you have any alcohol? No I'm going to get light headed and get drunk There's What is there four of us now?

So this is a four. Guy goes fluttering around and says, Hey, I'm not used to being the smartest one in the group. Yeah. I really feel like you guys are dumbasses right now. You know there's a dead drow, like, not that far away, right? Oh, yeah. I like giving of myself to my friends. dumbasses right now. You know there's a dead drow, like, not that far away, right? I like giving of myself to my friends.

But alright. We'll go get the drow. We'll be right back. Not the show. The guys. The eyes back up and disappear. Alright, we're bringing you something. You head up. Grisma laughs

and says, Oh, you're taking away my scarecrow, you know. That was going to keep the drow away for quite some time. You have two left. Actually, no. They got pulled down under the rock. But she doesn't really care.

She actually tells you as you drag the corpse inside Glorindon that she trades with the drow sometimes. Just the ones that are nicer dressed. She doesn't like the scruffy looking ones. Well, I hope this will help you out. Check your judgment. You poor little weak little guy.

She says she trades with drow and high elves. Sometimes the high elves actually make it all the way to her. I don't know. You drag this corpse down into the cellar She trades with drow and high elves. Sometimes the high elves actually make it all the way to her. You drag this corpse down into the cellar. And what do you just toss it in the... Slide it over to him. You see a tall hooded figure approach the edge of the darkness. It looks like it's just wearing rags. It's got very long long gaunt looking fingers

it grabs the body and drags it into the shadows and you hear some very horrible crunching noises and slobbering noises and squishing I'm actually pretty good at doing horrible noises so

ASMR fans make sure to turn up the volume on your iphones and car stereos right now um so uh jesus uh i thought I sounded bad. I'll be outside. After a solid two minutes of that, you hear a. And. Then we just hear the Guy Fieri music play. The hood lifts up and you see two fiery red eyes where there were very dim ones. Hi, you guys. i feel much better now

no that was count on the legda oh right all right got my counts mixed up barris uh stands upright he walks out of the shadows he takes his hood off he still doesn't look like he's in great shape and he says thank. That was delicious. Thanks. I think her name was Arby. He says, I suffered a great defeat at my castle. You got beefs?

Arby's. Oh. I just had a real nice roast drow there. Thank you. You want me to come with you? Is that what's happening? Yes. You want me to come with you? Is that what's happening? Yes. I was willing to come with you before,

but you should know my army is gone. I only have hidden helpers now. They're no better than messengers. Yeah, but you're powerful, so come with us. I'd be happy to try, but you'll have only me. Perhaps one of my assistants, if we can find them. I don't know if we'll be so lucky, but... He tells you,

Count Zelor, Count Diendel, and Count Fenzen all met at his castle. It took them mere moments to figure out something was askew and that they were being lied to because of their blood. And they immediately laid waste to the castle. His soldiers were unprepared

for the three versus one scenario. Did they have fun snorkeling the castle? They sure did. And it is now smote upon the mountain. There's not really much left. And so, yeah, he says he'll join you, but you're really only adding one soldier to your ranks.

You've got some good intel, though. We could use it. He says, very well. I'll see if my great-great-granddaughter might loan me some nicer clothes. I'm wearing what you might call potato sacks at the moment. You say this potato sack? She's got some nice stuff in the store. Yeah, he tells you when he showed up,

he was basically just wearing scraps of broken armor, and he was near death. So she took real good care of you. She basically threw him in the cellar and told him he was welcome to stay as long as he wanted, as long as he never bothered her. These daughters are sociopaths.

Is your daughter, she... You got a real lawful good vibe from her. And if she clashed with you, perhaps it was you were a little on the chaotic side uh not because she's evil uh and uh count bears has got a real lawful evil vibe so you can see why maybe he doesn't get along with his relative very well so um yeah he uh he goes upstairs and um grisma uh is gonna actually do a charisma check charisma charisma uh she doesn't panic but she's horrified she has not seen count bariss in any form other than a

scrawny ghoul basically so now that there is this 8 foot tall warrior in front of her that she knows somewhere inside is a dwarf she grimaces and

braces herself as if she could be attacked when you come up from the cellar stairway. Good. And Barriss kind of, even though he's very tall and very muscular, kind of looks at you guys and says, so some talk about maybe hooking me up with some armor or weapons or...

Yeah, well, let's talk to your descendant. Yeah, your granddaughter seems to have a nice stockpile here. She says, I've got some protect from the undead items if you gentlemen are interested.

Sounds good. Not sure he could use it without catching on fire. No, he could not use it. Oh, yeah, he is. He's a vampire. She makes it pretty clear you guys would have to roll a really high charisma check to do any more trading with her. So if anyone wants to make a 20 difficulty... I will try.

Give it a shot. She's not dealing with you, Tom. But that's nine. Plus that. 19. Oh. What's your bonus? That's with my bonus.

Oh, god damn it. So close. See if you can roll a nat 20. Not 20. Forn Meyer is going to give it a shot, because he didn't really buy much, but he sees the giant naked-ish vampire and kind of goes, nope.

And Vorenmeyer then turns to Gago and goes, look, you little maggot. Do something. You're useless. And Gago goes, all right. All right. Hello, buddy. Come on. She shakes her head says I'm not selling anything to you for that monster but it's for the greater good

she says I'll tell you what there's an old barracks deeper into the city. I can't make any promises. There might be something there that'll fit this idiot. But you're welcome to go scavenging if you want. Yeah, let's go try. So you guys head back out of the area by the top of the cellar, back into the main hall. All the elves are kind of hanging out there.

Charisma gives you directions to head deeper into the city. There's a pretty obvious main street that goes through this place. Everything's clean but abandoned. You head down some stairs. You realize you have no idea where those other elderly dwarves are. We'll find them, hopefully. But you only have to travel for a few minutes

before you hit the barracks. Why don't you guys do an investigation check? So check out your investigation. I've got your investigation modifiers. Tom, you have a plus four.. Tom, you have a plus four. Bodhi, you have a plus zero. Twee, you have a plus three. So just tell me what your numbers are, and I'll tell you what you...

All three of you will find something. 14? Without the modifier, so 17. Oh, excellent. I got a 17. You too? Great. 12. Beautiful. fire so 17 oh excellent I got a 17 you too great 12 beautiful okay so you find some decent boots Tom that'll fit this this whole my friend Barrett yeah armored boots but Blaine you find find a really, really, really big sword.

It doesn't look special, but it looks like something that a really stout dwarf would have to wield, and Barriss picks it up. It looks kind of like a butter knife in his hand, but he's like, this'll do. And Bodhi, you find a real nice chest plate that he can throw on. None of it's too special, but he's no longer vulnerable.

He no longer looks like a pauper wizard. He looks like a proper warrior. Thank God we've armed and armored this vampire. Good job, guys. We'll not come back to bite us in the ass and leave fang prints. So shall we fast forward a little bit? Yeah. leave fang print so shall we fast forward a little bit so you guys want to go see before you assault the demolith or maybe i don't know if you want to do any more recruiting you but you

definitely want to try and meet up with lekis in the lunar elf forest right you got you got the message that he had made peace with them yes and you might be able to increase your numbers a little bit so you guys head west across the waste and um it's a little difficult uh because the way you came means passing count barris's castle so it's it's pretty rocky but you guys don't really have any trouble there's some mountain paths you can follow. You're not like walking at a 90 degree angle on the mountains. So all the elves make it. Yeah. You're kind of going through, uh, this pass.

Oh, it's, it's not too bad, but you got to exit this way. Okay. So you pass the castle and sure enough, it looks like somebody, um,

took an ice cream cone, turned it upside down, punched it and set it on fire. That's what's left of Count Barriss' castle. It looks seriously fucked up. Like, it got sieged like a motherfucker. And you realize, oh, like, yeah, there are two other vampires out there,

and you have no idea what kind of troops they have. Vorenmeyer reminds you count zellor was only half defeated you defeated his warrior half but there's still a mind flayer brain in his castle and possibly siblings so there could still be headless mind flayers floating around right looking for you as well as other members of his army. You technically have not just met the mind flayers with no heads, but also a giant ogre that was armored and wielding a huge stone club. So there could be all sorts of monstrosities in the hills and forests looking for you.

And he brings this up because the castle looks like some very large creatures were crushing it. There's no way that only humanoids could knock a castle down the way this was. It was a pretty big castle. Count Barrus used to be the fanciest of the vampires, the most dandy. And that very, very tall tower

that you once found all that astronomy equipment in is 20 stories disappeared. Just smushed. That was a fairly recent loss for him, right? Oh, yeah. Count Barris is averting his eyes. He's trying not to look at it, and he's keeping his eyes on the road and no comment.

Foreign Meyer is telling you all of this, and he's not responding. You really fucked up your voice, huh? Count Beres looks at you. Brian laughed, not Bodhi. Yeah, wordlessly, Tom. Back off, War Child. Says nothing, just kind of stares a little hard.

Sees if you'll break eye contact first. Sorry. War Child. first or child but because you're saying it in Vin Diesel's voice he kind of I've just stayed what I saw so everybody really quick do a perception check would you please tweet you've got a plus five with a movie five plus zero I rolled an ampersand you got a plus nine time oh you rolled a fucking ampersand oh oh this is real fun what What's about to happen. Oh buddy. Okay. So that worked out so perfectly as you're marching through the, the mountain pass. Uh,

you notice something interesting. Count Barris decides he didn't like your comment, Tom, and he's going to ride his, uh, his, his bare steed from, uh,

the dead elf that was coming along with you, uh, in front of you. Um, he's gonna pull a little power move and as he does it, you, uh, you, you notice a little something on the chest plate that he's wearing on the back. that he's wearing on the back. There's some kind of insignia very deliberately welded into the metal. It looks like this. Uh-huh.

Yeah. Well, it's not his. He got it from the barracks of the city that he was born in. Gosh. I might have to go back and find out where that armor came from. Why? Would you please make sure you say this in Tom's voice? I think this is very important

It's kind of important to me Is it Betty's? Well, no But it's the mark of the assassin Who had the mark of the assassin? The killer Oh It's on his armor That's who killed Natty? Who had the mark of the assassin? The killed hook. Oh. It's on his armor.

That's who killed Natty? Yeah. Or Letty? Letty. Letty, Letty. Letty, Letty. Letty, Letty, Letty, Letty. Oh, that person that was important to you.

Yes. Oh. My lady. Oh, this is probably affecting you very deeply. Yes, I'm upset about it. Everyone's still marching. Comberis isn't overhearing this yet. Okay.

So. And just to kind of bring this, because I feel like Tom would know this. Yeah. This armor, when you found it, all three of you look like it was a part of originally the army that guarded the city the dwarf city mm-hmm you think this might be some sort of sigil for the city of Glorinden. So the answers to the question of who did this to your friend are in the city.

What a clue! Or whoever the soldiers were that were guarding the city. Or the one specific guy in the armor? Whoever ran the city? Whoever the royal family of the city was.

It's not a mark. It's an actual sigil put on the armor. When you saw the mark, you knew it was from the assassin to be a sort of message. Right. But on the armor, it's like a deliberate part of the armor. It looks like an official house sigil. Are this from the Dwarf City? Mm-hmm.

Uh... Does Barriss know anything about this armor? This mark? Do you want to ask him? Yeah. Hey, Barriss. What do you know about that mark? That mark? Oh, that's the royal mark. That's the Grey Crag sigil. Oh, that's the royal mark. That's the

Grey Crag sigil. My family is Grey Crag. Who's left of your family? Just you? Myself and my great-great-granddaughter. Grisma. Oh, her. I ruled before she did.

I abandoned my city. I gotta work on this. So, you run through your head what that means exactly. What, but is there... Count Barris was the ruler of that city about six, 700 years ago. Okay. Grisma is about 200 some years old,

has been the only of her line for at least a hundred years. Yeah. And you don't know what year you arrived because of the way time slips when you approach Amina. Huh. Hmm. Yeah. Well, I do know it's one of those two, though.

Yeah. Or maybe someone in between You're not sure Was there someone in between? How you want to ask Count Barris Was there someone in between? What do you mean? You and Eti Griselda

From when I ruled the city to when she did? Yeah Oh perhaps I stopped paying attention to when she did? Yeah. Oh, perhaps. I stopped paying attention to their nonsense after I abandoned them. I did send the dragon to destroy their city, I don't mind saying. It was a necessary thing.

That's interesting. He sent a dragon to destroy his... Well, I had to gut the population. It was an order from the Demolith. Count Fenzin told me we, you know... I was the only native to Aminah. I had to...

I had to break my connection to the mortal land. Well, I think... He still has no idea your backstory No, I know I don't want him to know it Oh, then I won't say anything No, don't tell me Let's just keep going

and see what happens Yeah Yeah It's probably about that time It sure is about that time I would think that it would be a good time for some sad Bruce Banner music to come up as you're sort of

walking and thinking and thinking and walking and walking and walking and thinking and thinking. You approach the edge of the mountains and you even find the clearing where you had a standoff with the lunar elves and you see the blackened

remains of a forest that we set on fire a few days ago good time um uh as you approach the woods you notice um not very shy at all there's a bunch of uh fairies that look a lot like Gago fluttering around. Are they wearing boots? No. Are they dancing with a dwarf? No. Okay.

Maybe Brian would jump in on that one. Oh, is that a reference? Yeah, it's a reference from a little band called Sha Na Na. Oh. Well, for fuck's sake, I apologize to all you Sha Na Na fans. No, it's from Black Sabbath. The fairies are all giggling.

They're all high-fiving. Gago goes and says hi to a few of them. He's like, that's my clan, yo. Oh, yay. That's all we need. He said, don't worry, they're cool, they're cool. Are they cool like you?

Yeah. They're not going to help us or nothing, but they're not going to attack you. They'd love to attack people, so we're cool. That's good. We'll end this adventure with you traveling deeper into the wood in search of the lunar elves.

Episode 30 next. Oh, episode 30 will be a real wham-dango. Yep. We're going to watch the odometer turn over. All right. Thanks for listening. Thank you. Check out brianfossain.com.

And where can people look up what you're up to Dan keep an eye on my social media feed I probably

have announced it at this point already but thanks guys bye thank you thanks for listening

to another episode of nerd poker you can follow us at patreon.com slash nerdpoker, and you get bonus episodes from there. And you can also send us anything at P.O. Box 16069 Encino, California, 91416. Thanks for listening. you